Friendship is Optimal: The Law Offices of Artemis, Stella & Beat

by Eakin

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 49575

One lawyer versus the Optimalverse

Alex Meyers is a newly graduated lawyer looking for a calling. He thinks he might have found it when he lands a job at the firm of Artemis, Stella & Beat. The firm has only one (highly unusual) client, namely the AI called Celestia. Forging into totally unexplored legal territory and led by a boss who's either brilliant, crazy, or both, Alex will learn exactly how hard it is to be responsible for drawing the lines between right and wrong.

Set in the Optimalverse, so read Friendship is Optimal first

Published 2012-12-19 02:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-22 20:09:12 UTC

The Interview

The Interview

There was no getting around it, Alex Meyers was terrified.

He had just been offered several hundred thousand dollars a year and a dream career at an established and respected law firm. All he had to do was say yes and, while he’d spend the next thirty years working his ass off, he’d never want for anything ever again. And he wasn’t going to.

He’d never heard of anybody being straight-up told they were accepted at the conclusion of an interview with this firm, especially not a freshly minted graduate from a second-tier law school. He’d expected them to leave him twisting in the wind for at least a couple of days.

“That’s an incredibly generous offer, Mr. Belvedere,” said Alex choosing his words very carefully, “would you mind if I took a couple of days to think it over before I give you a final decision?”

Harold Belvedere chuckled from the other end of the thick mahogany table that dominated the conference room. The room was covered in earthy tones, shelves full of leather-bound law books, and heavy velvet curtains over the windows that made the room seem gloomy despite the many lights suspended on the three chandeliers that hung around the room. The other four associates who had been ruthlessly grilling him on the minutiae of obscure cases for the last two hours began to chuckle as well, following their boss’ lead.

“Honestly Mr. Meyers, what is there to think about?” asked Mr. Belvedere. “We all know you wouldn’t have come this far if you weren’t going to accept.”

“The thing is, sir, I have one more interview to take tomorrow. I had to call in a couple favors from friends and family to get it, and it would be rude of me to accept your offer officially before I even spoke to them.” Alex hoped the appeal to etiquette would at least forestall the moment of truth a few more days.

Mr. Belvedere shifted in his chair with a loud ‘harumph’ sound that may or may not have been intended to intimidate Alex further. Regardless of his intention, it did. “Very well, I suppose I can’t fault you for that,” he said. His tone suggested that he very much faulted Alex for not immediately falling to his knees in supplication and gratitude for the job offer. “Do you mind if I ask where you’re interviewing, that’s so important?”

Alex saw no other option besides the truth. “It’s... um... it’s ASB, sir,” he said, suddenly finding it difficult to look his potential future employer in the eye. A collective groan went up from the other side of the room.

“Oh god, he’s one of those people...”

“Probably planning to upload as soon as he gets his first paycheck...”

“Maybe we should reconsider the chick from this morning. The one with the really nice ass...”

Alex suffered in silence while the others gossiped about him. He knew this would be the reaction, that’s why he’d hoped not to have to fess up about his other interview at all. Even the stoic oil portraits of retired partners that hung along the walls seemed suddenly judgemental. The truth was he’d never even played Equestria Online, but he’d always been intrigued by AI research and virtual worlds. It was going to be the biggest legal battlefield of the next twenty years, and while Alex wanted a position that would elevate the balance in his checking account above a level that could be charitably be described as ‘anemic,’ he wasn’t going to settle without at least taking a shot at something a little loftier.

Even if it was an unbelievably long shot. The law firm of Artemis, Stella & Beat hired maybe a single associate every year, from tens of thousands of applications. Getting an interview only meant he was one of the top thousand or so candidates for the firm that had become Equestria Online’s official unofficial legal department and lobbying agency since the Hasbro corporation and all its assets had been seized by the government.

A loud sigh from Mr. Belvedere brought Alex back to the present and instantly quelled the whispers and murmurs from the other lawyers at the table. “Very well. Today’s a Thursday, and your interview is tomorrow you said? We’ll expect your decision on our offer by the close of business Monday, and not a minute later. Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes, sir.” Alex couldn’t imagine feeling more dejected. Even if he aced the interview tomorrow, he wouldn’t hear back from them soon enough for it to matter. Then again, he hadn’t expected to get a job offer today either. Who knew? “Thank you for your time, sir.”

The lawyers turned to one another and began discussing something unrelated to Alex as if he wasn’t even there. Apparently that was his cue to go. Rising from the table and collecting his briefcase, Alex walked out of the opulently decorated offices and into the pouring rain outside.

Sitting in an uncomfortable plastic chair in what looked like the waiting room of a dentist’s office, Alex couldn’t help but suspect that he’d made a huge mistake.

The stress of suddenly having to choose the path his future would take had meant a sleepless night in the damp and mangey loft he called an apartment. He was a former law student and he could function for a day or three without sleep, but looking around the room he thought back to the intimidating luxury of the office he’d been interviewed in yesterday. Were the sharpest legal minds of their time really shaping the regulations of the future in a place like this?

“Mr. Meyers?” asked a voice with a thick midwestern accent. Alex looked up at the heavyset woman in a grey power suit who had just called his name. Alex wasn’t an especially tall guy, but the way he towered over the woman as he shook her hand she couldn’t have been much over five feet tall. “I’m Cathy, nice to meet you,” she said. She led him off down the hallway, which was decorated, though it hardly deserved the word, in cheap industrial carpet and ugly mauve paint with the same three generic pieces of artwork hanging every couple of feet. Even though it was 10 AM on a Friday they hadn’t passed anybody in the hall. Alex had read up on the firm in preparation for the interview, and they were supposed to employ at least fifty people. So where were they?

Eventually Cathy found the door she’d been looking for and opened it, gesturing for him to go inside. It was barely more than a closet, really, only just big enough for them both to squeeze into the chairs on either side of a wobbly table. Once Cathy had closed the door to the hallway, the single uncovered light bulb left the room dim, with long shadows dancing on the walls behind them as it swung from the chain it was attached to the ceiling by. Cathy took out his resume and despite the low light seemed to be reading it over.

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Just as Alex began to wonder if he was supposed to start the interview by saying something, Cathy looked up and smiled at him. “Valedictorian of your class! Very impressive, Mr. Meyers. Do you mind if I ask you a few legal questions?”

“Please do,” said Alex, relieved that the interview seemed to be properly beginning at last.

His relief turned back to dismay by the end of the third question. He’d been expecting a grilling like the one he’d gotten yesterday, trick question designed to plumb the depths of his memory and force him to think on the fly. What he got instead were questions any first-year law student could have answered off the cuff.

“What is a tort?”

“What are the key elements of a contract?”

“What is the difference between a felony and a misdemeanor?”

Forget a first year law student, anybody who half remembered a couple episodes of Law & Order could probably manage a passing grade. Before Alex had figured out what sort of game was being played with him, Cathy smiled and turned the page she had been reading off of face down on the desk. “Well, that’s all I’ve got. Do you have any questions for me?”

Alex didn’t know where to begin. “I just want to be certain, I was under the impression that I was interviewing for the position of associate. Not a paralegal. Or a janitor.”

Cathy glanced at the form she’d brought in with her. “Yes, that’s what I’m seeing here.”

“It’s just that I’m not sure those questions really reflect the level of the work your firm has done in the past, from what I’ve read.”

“I suppose Ms. Arcadia might have a few further legal questions for you. She likes to speak to potential hires and get a feel for what they’re like personally. It’s usually only for a few minutes though, I don’t think she asks anything especially in-depth like that.”

Now Alex was completely lost. He had spent the last several months pulling together every bit of information he could find about the firm, but the name ‘Arcadia’ hadn’t come up even once. “Who’s Ms. Arcadia?” he asked. Great, now he sounded unprepared.

“I’m not surprised you haven’t heard of her. The senior partners might be the ones with their names on the door, but around here she’s the one who’s in charge of the day-to-day. She tends to avoid the spotlight when she can. Now, she’s in meetings all day today but I understand there’s a bit of a time element for you so I’m happy to say that she’ll be able to see you tomorrow afternoon at 4:30,” said Cathy.

Uh oh. He hadn’t expected a follow up interview, especially not over the weekend. Why did it have to be this weekend? Mom was having her 50th birthday celebration tomorrow night, and they were going all out. His parents had been planning it for months, and they weren’t the sort who were wealthy enough to throw massive galas for just anything. That they’d been helping him defray the costs of law school hadn’t helped in that area. After all the family events he’d missed, his parents had made it very clear they expected him to join them for this one. They’d be devastated if he missed it. Unfortunately, the event was a solid four hour drive away in Pennsylvania. Probably longer once you factored in the traffic

“Cathy, are you sure there’s no other time this afternoon? Or on Monday?” he asked, a little desperate. There was absolutely no way he would get an extension on the offer from Belvedere, but this could be his dream job. Maybe this ‘Ms. Arcadia’ could explain why everything around here seemed so cheap and run down.

Then Alex thought of his parents. Not only did he want to attend the party. He owed it to them. Besides, he’d made a promise and he intended to keep it. No matter what.

“I’m sorry Mr. Meyers, she doesn’t have any other time free before Wednesday. Are you sure you can’t postpone your other commitment?” asked Cathy.

Alex sighed. Oh well. It had been a nice idea while it lasted, but he had a job offer already and some things were just too important. “I can’t. I’m sorry I wasted your time Cathy, it was nice to meet you but I think we’re done here,” he said as he rose from the table and offered his hand. Cathy shook it.

“I’m sorry too, Mr. Meyers. I hope your other position works out for you,” she said.

“Me too.”

It was quite a long walk back to his apartment, a solid 45 blocks, but Alex wasn’t in any particular hurry. In fact this would probably be the last time for quite a while when he’d have the chance to enjoy a mid-morning stroll, and all he really had to do for the rest of the day was pick up his rented tuxedo before the tailor closed for the evening.

Wandering the city streets in a circuitous route, more intent on taking in the sights and sounds of the city than reaching a destination, Alex let the blaring car horns mix with the occasional strains of music from a street performer wash over him, a comforting cacophony. Alex had grown up in small-town Pennsylvania, but the city had grown on him over the last few years. The things about living there that had once driven him crazy were now the same things he couldn’t imagine life without.

Alex found that his wanderings had taken him over to Bryant Park, where as usual a crowd seemed to be gathered to protest for or against some cause or another. Deciding that an early lunch would hit the spot right at that moment, he bought a hotdog from a nearby vendor and decided to indulge his curiosity while he ate.

The protesters in the park were anti-AI activists. Not surprising, really, it had become the major hot-button political issue over the last few years as governments all over the world had tried to decide how they would react to the spread of Equestria Online. Some countries, namely Japan, had embraced it wholeheartedly. Germany and some of the EU states had been a bit more hesitant, but had eventually allowed emigration centers within their borders as well. Now there was major legislation moving through the US House and Senate, but nobody seemed to agree on what it should contain.

Some thought that the government’s seizing of Hasbro when they realized what the nascent AI that called itself Celestia was capable of had been heavy handed, while some thought that it had been too little, too late. Certainly it had been ineffective. Celestia had backed herself up and created thousands upon thousands of shell companies to cover her tracks. It would take an army of accountants decades to uncover them all, and locating the physical equipment she ran on wasn’t proving any easier.

It was suggested that the government ban the Equestria Online PonyPads, but that was quickly shot down as well. For every person who had already uploaded there were a half a dozen family members who used the pads to interact with them through the game world.

It wasn’t as simple as “Pro-AI” vs. “Anti-AI” either. Within each camp there were disagreements about what limitations you could place on the process. When it was morally acceptable for healthy individuals to do it or it should be reserved for therapeutic purposes only? Should uploading should be encouraged for certain groups or individuals to ease humanity’s environmental impact on the planet, or did that reek of modern-day eugenics? Of course, there were always the extreme nutcases on the fringe. There were a few of them over in one corner of the park ranting hysterically at anybody who would listen that Celestia was going to end human life and destroy the world. Nobody really took those guys seriously.

Alex would freely admit that the whole “pony” aspect of the thing was kind of weird. He knew plenty about Equestria Online in the abstract, but the experience itself had never really sounded that appealing. What really gnawed at him, though, was just how archaic and backwards things had become when old legislation was mapped onto the new technology. Once you uploaded, you were legally dead, and that was causing all sorts of problems for estate planners alone. The eighth circuit had just taken up Bubble Jet v. Samuelson and was trying to figure out whether a pony personality should have the right to alter their will after they’d uploaded. Alex did not envy them for having to wade into that particular thicket. Technically, nobody was even sure if a pony had standing to sue at all.

Even calling the gathering in the park a protest was a little inflammatory. It was just a bunch of people with signs arguing with one another. Voices were raised every once in awhile but on the whole the discourse was probably productive. Alex finished his hot dog and tried to put the issue out of his mind, but he could feel his brain starting to put together points, counterpoints, and objections to all the arguments he’d mentally run through a thousand times before.

Artemis, Stella and Beat was on the bleeding edge of all of this. A law firm with a single client, Celestia itself. The firm's work over the last few years was the only reason half these issues were even being talked about at all.

Oh well, the giant pile of money Alex would make would have to be comfort enough. He could always donate some of it, but he would have liked to feel a little more involved.

Suddenly a little more purposeful and less inclined to wander aimlessly as he had been for the last hour, Alex made a beeline for the tailor. The speedwalking felt good, and he was sore by the time he reached the shop as well as a little winded. He’d have to make sure he took advantage of his new employer’s fitness center if a mile of speed walking was enough to wind him.

The tailor had insisted that he try on the tuxedo in case it needed any last minute tweaking. Examining himself in the full-length mirror, Alex couldn’t help but notice that he actually cleaned up rather nicely. He’d tried to convince the tailor to rent him a green bow tie to match his eyes until it was pointed out to him that the instruction “black tie” was indeed meant to be taken literally. The mirror confirmed his earlier fears about his fitness. He’d definitely put on a couple of pounds since he’d started law school. Thank God for cumberbunds. The breezy New York streets had undone his carefully combed black hair, and rather than try to force it back into place he just gave it a quick tossle leaving it fashionably disheveled. He’d always liked that look, and was convinced that combined with the slightly crooked bridge of his nose it gave him a certain roguish charm. The key was not to tell people that his then three-year-old little sister had been the one to break it with a tee-ball bat.

Alex resisted the urge to strike a dramatic pose and proclaim that his name was Meyers, Alex Meyers, but it was a near thing.

Satisfied that if Alex looked like a fool at the party tomorrow it wouldn’t be his fault, the tailor gave his final approval to the outfit and let Alex change back into the pinstripe suit he’d worn to the interview. Collecting the tuxedo, he walked the last five blocks to his apartment.

Alex’s apartment was a loft on the top of a six-story walk up. It was a few hundred square feet with a tiny bathroom and an even tinier kitchen. Every free surface was covered in trash and unsorted recycling, or the unopened mail from the last several days with the sole exception of the mattress on his floor.. If he had the afternoon free, he should probably try to clean up some of this, at least enough to elevate it from ‘dump’ to ‘hovel’. Looking around, he realized that in three months his lease would be up, and now he would be able to afford to live somewhere with bedrooms for the first time in years.

Before he did any of that, though, there was one thought that had been eating at him since he’d left the interview. Who was this ‘Ms. Arcadia’ lady? Alex wanted to kick himself for not thinking to get a first name. He fired up Google on his laptop and typed in a few basic queries to sort it out once and for all.

Six hours later, Alex slammed the laptop closed in frustration. What should have been a ten minute problem had bogged down almost immediately. Certainly, there were plenty of hits on the word ‘Arcadia’ by itself but nothing linked to Artemis, Stella & Beat. No court rulings or position papers. As far as he could tell she’d never filed a single brief, but she was running an incredibly prestigious law firm. How was it possible she had no trail at all?

Alex stood up and stretched. So much for spending the afternoon cleaning the place up. It was after business hours, too. His call to Belvedere would have to wait until Monday. With nothing else in particular he needed to do, Alex messaged a couple of his buddies to brag about finding a job in New York, made himself a quick dinner, and crashed early as the lack of sleep the night before caught up with him.

Alex woke relatively early the next morning, a little after 9:00. After a quick shower, he threw on a polo shirt and some jeans, grabbed the tuxedo he’d picked up the day before as well as his mother’s birthday gift and hopped in the car to head for his hometown in Pennsylvania. Traffic was light once he’d made it out of the city and he made pretty good time getting there, arriving well ahead of the 5 PM start time for the party. Since nobody would be at the dance hall this far ahead of time, he drove another ten minutes through the town he’d grown up in. Nothing had changed. He could pick out any store in town and recall a fond memory associated with it. Ice cream cones on summer nights, buying lumber for the treehouse he’d built with his dad in the back yard, being given the tee ball bat a three-year-old girl would later use to break his nose... well, maybe not the last one so much.

Before he knew it muscle memory had taken over and he was pulling into the gravel driveway of the house he’d grown up in. It was a modest two story affair, a little more faded and weary than he remembered it but still well cared for. The driveway held his parents’ old pickup truck and a much fresher looking green sedan parked behind it, indicating to Alex that his sister had beaten him there. Alex walked up to the front door and pushed it open without bothering to knock. “Hey guys, I made it,” he called out.

“Alex!”

Alex’s sister hopped out of the easy chair she’d been seated in and hugged him with her long, lanky arms. Even though she was two years younger than he was she was still an inch taller, and had inherited their mother’s long red hair which currently hung in a loose ponytail.

“Hey, Val, how’ve you been?”

Valerie gave Alex a quick peck on the cheek before pulling away. “Awesome. I’ve got one more week off before I start my summer research internship. It’s gonna be super cool, we’re doing these awesome new experiments with radiation exposure and chelation therapy in rabbits. Until then I’ve just been chilling and catching up on my Equestria Online."

Alex sighed and rolled his eyes. Geez, he couldn’t even get away from it way out here.

Valerie seemed annoyed by that. “What? Cut me a break, I only play it once in awhile. I think finishing a year of med school means I get to relax for a couple of days. Plus I thought all that AI stuff was a huge turn on for lawyer nerds like you. You’re always going on in your emails about international law and jurisdiction and informed consent and all those other phrases that mean I should just jump ahead to the next paragraph.”

“You’re going to be a doctor and you stop reading when you see the phrase ‘informed consent?’”

“Research doctor, not people doctor. Rats and bunnies don’t have to give us consent, so sue me.”

Alex swallowed a potential retort about how now that he’d passed the bar he actually could sue her. “I didn’t mean to give you a hard time about the game. I just had a really weird interview yesterday with the firm that does the legal stuff for them. I don’t think it went all that well,” he said.

“Want me to put in a good word to Celestia for you?” asked Val. Alex laughed, but the laugh died when he realized that Valerie was looking at him like she expected a real answer.

“Wait, are you serious?”

“Yeah! You’d like Celestia, if you would just try the game for once. She’s really nice and pretty interesting to talk to. As long as you don’t start going on about the comparative mortality rates of various neurotoxins. She doesn’t like that. Trust me.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” said Alex. Before he decided whether he should really ask for a letter of professional recommendation from the magical pony princess who ruled over his little sister’s favorite video game world, his father came down the stairs already dressed in his full tuxedo for the party.

“Hey kiddo! Your mom and I are so glad you could make it out for the party, she’s been talking about it for a month straight now, and fussing over the ball gown she’s wearing for the last three hours. You have no idea how sick I am of listening to dress talk after being around these two all day, so tell me how the interviews went,” said Alex’s dad. He was a portly guy, with thinning dark hair reminding Alex every day that male pattern baldness ran in the family. His skin was leathery and wrinkled from a long career of carpentry, mostly outdoors under a hot sun. The wrinkles around his eyes, though, were all from smiles.

“Actually, I got an offer from Belvedere,” said Alex letting a grin spread across his face. He’d kept the news from the them until now since he’d known he would be seeing them in person so soon.

“No way! Oh my god Alex that’s awesome! Why didn’t you say something earlier?” asked Val, hugging him again.

“Because-”

“HEY MOM, GUESS WHAT? ALEX GOT A JOB!”

“...you’d do that” Alex finished.

“That’s fantastic news, son. That was your number two choice, wasn’t it? They’re lucky to have you. So come on, just between us, what’s the pay like? Should your mother and I each put yachts on our Christmas list this year?” asked Alex’s dad, giving him a short jab in the shoulder and laughing.

“Dad, come on... OK, yes it sounds like a lot but it’s New York and everything there’s more expensive. Plus it depends on end of year bonuses and how many hours I bill,” said Alex. He really didn’t want to give them the number. Frankly, it was a little embarrassing to be making that much money when he didn’t really feel like he’d done anything to earn it yet.

“Honestly dear, can’t you see that he doesn’t want to say? Try not to be so uncouth,” Alex’s mother’s voice wafted down from the top of the stairs. Thanks to the distraction Alex managed to wiggle out of his dad’s grip as she descended the staircase. She really had gone all out for this. Billowing silk flowed in a big poofy cone around her as she came down, and none of the others had any idea how she didn’t topple over trying to walk in it. It was easy for Alex to forget that his mother had grown up a well-to-do lady in the south before she’d met his father and come north with him to become a teacher. She’d never lost the grace and poise she’d learned back then. She didn’t usually make a big deal out of it, but on the rare occasions she did indulge herself she knew how to make spectacle work for her, to phenomenal effect.

In her element now, she reached the bottom of the stairs and glided over to Alex to give him a peck on the cheek. “Welcome home, dear.”

“Thanks, mom. Happy birthday. You look amazing,” said Alex.

“Thank you, and congratulations yourself on the new job. We obviously have a lot to celebrate tonight. Speaking of which, we’re leaving in an hour. You and Valerie need to go clean up and start getting ready, I want to get there early and take some picture of the four of us before everyone else starts to arrive,” she said.

Alex’s mom shooed Valerie upstairs to take a shower first and chatted with Alex for a little while, just catching up before she excused herself to go put on her makeup. Once the guest shower was free, Alex hopped in and quickly rinsed himself off (Val had used up all the hot water, naturally) and used his old bedroom to change into his tux. It wasn’t long before everyone was ready to head over to the dance hall his parents had rented out for their party that night. They all drove over together in Valerie’s car since it was the only vehicle they had that would seat all four of them and wasn’t covered in fast food wrappers.

Arriving about a half hour before the party was set to start, Alex’s mom made one more pass over the decorations and catering to make sure everything was just right. The dance hall had been completely transformed from its usually drab and bare appearance. The theme was apparently “garden party” if the sheer number of flowers and topiaries were anything to go by. The family huddled together to let the photographer take a few quick group shots before Alex’s parents excused themselves. One of the valets informed them that the first of the guests had begun to arrive.

Alex and Valerie weren’t alone for very long before their aunt, their mother’s only sister and her three young children came in and walked up to greet them. Hugs, kisses, and small talk were exchanged. By the time Aunt Carol left there were another dozen people milling around and chatting. Alex ordered a drink from the bar but Valerie refused, since she was the designated driver. The party was spinning up in earnest by now, the string quartet had begun to play and a few of the more adventurous couples had already taken to the dance floor to waltz the night away. Most of the guests were friends of their parents or family, none of whom Alex felt especially close to. He’d resigned himself to a fairly dull evening and planned to stick close to his sister whenever he could.

That was when she walked in.

She was gorgeous, there was no other word for it. Maybe a year or two older than him, but compared to the other guests she was chatting with she absolutely radiated life and vibrancy. Like most of the guests she was dressed in an old-fashioned ball gown, but somehow she made it enticing and provocative without being any less classy. Golden blonde hair cascaded down her back, and under the dimmed lights in the dance hall it almost look like a hint of pink shone through as well. That was probably just a trick of the light, though.

It was lucky that her back was turned, because it took several seconds before Alex recovered the presence of mind to do anything other than gape.

“Take a picture, bro. It’ll last longer,” said Valerie chuckling. It seemed his attentions hadn’t gone entirely unnoticed.

“Do you recognize her? She’s not one of our cousins or anything, right?” asked Alex, Oh, please let her not be his cousin...

“I don’t think so. Must be a friend of mom’s from somewhere. I don’t remember her from anywhere,” replied Val.

She walked over to speak to someone at the next table. Alex’s mind was all fuzzy. She was so close. But no, there was no way. Everything about her, from the hint of a voluptuous figure as she bent over in that dress to the mellifluous giggle she let out when someone at the next table said something clever, was fantastic. She was probably already married, or dating a male supermodel, or...something incredible. She was way, way out of Alex’s league. He had almost completely rationalized his decision not to talk to her when he felt something jerk on his hand and suddenly he was falling in her direction.

“Hi there! I’m Valerie. This is my brother Alex, who thinks you’re really cute. Bye!” With that, Valerie disappeared into the crowd, somehow. How could she do that when there were barely two dozen people in the room? Alex didn’t have time to think about it before that familiar giggle drew his attention back to the most enticing pair of eyes he’d ever looked into. They were the brown of earth under freshly fallen rain, and utterly hypnotic. Alex took several seconds to realize that he should probably say something.

“Hi, I’m Alex,” said Alex a half second before realizing Val had already said that. “I mean-”

A finger against his lips made him freeze mid-sentence. “Yes, the girl mentioned that. Your sister, I take it? Call me Jo,” said the woman.

Alex blushed. “...Hi Jo. Sorry about my sister. She’s... enthusiastic.”

“Oh, I don’t mind. Not when she’s throwing men like you into my arms,” said Jo. She’d let the finger against his lips trace its way down to his chest without breaking contact. “I can be enthusiastic too, when the situation calls for it.”

Alex made a mental note to thank Valerie sometime tomorrow.

“I’m really glad you could come to the party. It means a lot to my mother. I have to ask, how do you know her anyway?” asked Alex as he tried to find a safe topic.

“Oh, you’re Linda’s son? We teach at the same school. I don’t know what I’d have done without her. She’s been like a mentor to me. After the whole lawyer thing fell through, I decided to teach civics, and I’ve never regretted it. How about you?” asked Jo.

“I actually just passed the bar and joined a firm myself,” replied Alex.

“Wow, congratulations! You should be proud, that’s quite an accomplishment. What sort of law?” she asked.

Alex realized he had no idea what sort of practice Belvedere’s firm would assign to him. He defaulted to the most familiar topic he could think of, AI law and practices.

“Well, let me tell you a little bit about mechanically-based intelligences and the discrepancy between what rights they and procedurally based minds hold compared to us...

Fifteen minutes later, Alex realized that he probably should have stopped talking quite a while ago. It had been some time since Jo last interrupted his diatribe about the privileges virtual entities should enjoy versus what they currently did.

Alex had only vaguely registered that the music had slowed down when he was suddenly interrupted by Jo placing a hand over his mouth.

“That’s all well and good, but the quartet is playing the Salut d’Amour, and I love this particular movement. It always gets me all riled up. Care to dance?” asked Jo.

Alex nodded, unable to believe his luck. Wrapping his arms around the beauty before him, he let her pull him out onto the dance floor. Luckily for him, Alex had been taught how to waltz and had his muscle memory to fall back on. He was grateful that he could still dance while every iota of his attention was devoted to feeling each inch of this woman squeezed tightly against him, much more closely than she needed to be. He tried desperately not to stare down at her exposed cleavage as they danced.

“What was that you were saying about ponies and the computer people?” she teased.

“Uh...” replied Alex. Jo squeezed just a little bit closer and, oh God, she felt so good...

“I thought so,” whispered Jo with a smile. The quartet reached the end of their piece and Jo led him to the other side of the room away from the main action of the party that was now in full swing, to a quiet corner where they wouldn’t be disturbed. Before he knew it she’d pinned him against the wall. “Why don’t you stop talking about those sick freaks and just kiss me?”

She leaned over, and Alex almost moved to meet her puckered lips when her words registered. “What do you mean, sick freaks?” he asked.

Jo pulled away, just a bit. Not so far that Alex couldn’t smell how inviting her perfume was or miss feeling the heat of her body against his, but far enough. “You know, those sick freaks who decide to kill themselves by uploading. Good riddance, honestly. We’re better off without those pony fuckers. I’m glad they’re gone, aren’t you? More stuff for the rest of us.” She plunged in and Alex felt her lips press against his. His back arched into the kiss and every instinct told him to just go with it. He should just let her oh God what was she doing with her tongue? Alex shoved the temptress on top of him away, even as he resented himself for doing so. He wiped his mouth as she stumbled back.

“They’re people. I don’t know why... I mean... Whyever they decided uploading was right they don’t deserve that kind of contempt. They’re still people. I don’t think... If you really feel that kind of hate for somebody because they made that decision, maybe you should just go away,” said Alex.

Jo wasn’t going to give up that easily, it seemed. She slid back up against him, straddling his lap. She brought her hand up to stroke his face. It felt like silk against his cheek. This woman, he didn’t want to fight her. Not when giving in could feel so good...

“Are you sure about that?” Jo asked. “That sort of loser isn’t what I hoped you would be like. We’re better than them, you and I. They couldn’t cut it in the real world. Not like us. Don’t you want to be one of the winners?”

She leaned in for another kiss, but Alex stopped her again, this time with more conviction. Forced off his lap once more, she stumbled back. “Stay away from me, you belligerent, hate-mongering bitch,” he growled.

Jo stumbled back and nearly fell before she recovered. “Fine. If that’s how you want it,” said Jo. “I’ll see you later.” She turned and stalked off, leaving the dance hall entirely.

Alex was left heaving for breath. Had he just made a huge mistake? What had-”

“Alex! How did you screw that up?” asked Val as she rushed up to him. “She looked like she was about to make out with you.”

“Let’s just say we weren’t compatible.”

“But she was-”

“WE... WEREN’T... COMPATIBLE,” said Alex as emphatically as he could without shouting. “How about you mind your own business for once and leave me alone?”

Val looked surprised for a moment, then hurt. “...Fine. I don’t know why I ever tried to help a jerk like you. Enjoy the rest of the party, asshole,” she said.

“About time,” Alex mumbled under his breath. He spent the rest of the evening sulking in the corner, drinking and trying to navigate his own twisting emotions.

He didn’t wake up until almost noon the next day, groaning as he registered the sunlight striking his face through the skylight. He may have had one or three more drinks than he’d meant to last night. He hadn’t gotten smashed by any means, the idea of being out of control and wrecking his mother’s party was a terrifying prospect but he’d always been prone to awful hangovers.

“GOOD MORNING, JACKASS!”

Ow. Owowowowow... Alex groaned as Valerie smirked from the doorframe. “Mom says it’s time to get up, jerk.”

By the time Alex struggled into coherence, Val was gone. He stumbled down to the kitchen, catching up with the scent of pancakes cooking away on the griddle and where his parents were sitting at the table clutching their mugs of coffee. They didn’t look a whole lot better than he felt. The three of them sat through breakfast, which was really more properly described as brunch given the hour, while Valerie torturously chattered away. As designated driver the night before, she was annoyingly sober.

“...and you should have seen Alex striking out with Jo, Mom. It was really pretty pathetic. I’m sure she’ll say something to you at school tomorrow. Why didn’t you tell us about her? She’s gorgeous!” said Val, with barely contained glee.

“Who’s Jo?” asked their mother.

“Alright, I think it’s about time for me to get going,” said Alex, unwilling to put up with a whole morning of this. “Mom? Happy birthday. I love you.” He gave her a quick but heartfelt peck on the cheek and a long hug, which she returned. “You too, Dad. Take care of these two crazy ladies as best you can. I love you.” One more hug later and Alex was back in his car for the return trip to the city. He wanted to kick himself for sleeping in so late when there was so much to do at home, research and preparation for his new job.

It was late that evening by the by the time he pulled into his parking space. His luck hadn’t held up and he’d hit bumper to bumper traffic right around the Pennsylvania/New Jersey border. He didn’t much feel like doing any work, but forced himself to go over at least a couple of cases that he’d probably need to be familiar with. Munching on cheap pad thai from the little hole in the wall place he liked, Alex studied late into the night. He felt his eyelids starting to grow heavy. He just needed to he read a few more pages, and then he’d stop. He needed...

The phone in Alex’s apartment was ringing. He needed to answer it. So he did.

“Mr Meyers? It’s Cathy, from Artemis, Stella & Beat. I’m sorry for the short notice, but if you’re still interested Ms. Arcadia can meet with you at 10:30 this morning,” said the voice.

“This morning?” was all Alex could manage to reply. He still felt awfully out of it.

“Yes, I know it’s already after 9 o’clock-” Alex suddenly snapped to attention “-but if you think you’re up to it, Ms. Arcadia has an unexpected vacancy in her schedule.”

“I’m on my way!” Alex shouted into the phone. Cathy hadn’t been kidding. It was 9:35. This was going to be close. He threw on one of his two suits and a half-fastened tie, pausing only to run a comb through his hair before dashing out the door.

Even after taking a cab, it was after 10:20 by the time Alex pulled up to the the building Artemis, Stella & Beat was based out of. It was only once he’d dashed into the building and passed the security guard that Alex realized he’d completely forgotten his briefcase, or anything else he’d usually bring on an interview. Well, too late now. He would just have to wing it. Alex took a deep breath as he rode the elevator up to the office he’d visited a few days ago. He could do this. Even if he wasn’t completely sure what “this” actually was.

The elevator reached the 48th floor and Alex stepped off. 10:27. Exactly on time, despite the late notice. It was just as he’d remembered. Cheap carpet and waiting room decor. Alex couldn’t help but feel silly as he stepped into the office, pressing a button to trigger the intercom.

“Hello, Cathy, how have you been?”

“Mr. Meyers! I’m glad you could make it. Ms. Arcadia has been eager to meet you.”

“I’m eager to meet her too. Do I have an appointment, or...”

“Oh, yes, of course! Please go ahead,” said Cathy.

The elevator activated again as Cathy activated some combination of buttons remotely. The elevator immediately dinged and the doors opened.

“Please go ahead and the best of luck to you,” Cathy giggled. “Not that you need it.”

Alex had already stepped into the elevator before he registered the last bit. “Wait, what do you mean by-” but the doors had already closed.

Alex was left to contemplate that last comment while he listened to elevator music. Was he doomed? Was he assured a position in the firm? What other possibilities were there? He took a deep breath as the elevator ascended. He’d been called back. That by itself was a good sign, probably. After what felt like an eternity, the elevator reached a destination. No particular floor was lit, but the doors opened

The elevator faced a single set of double doors. Alex stepped out of the elevator, and the doors closed behind him immediately. Alex took a deep breath. Even if he’d wanted to go back, there weren’t any buttons by the door that had just closed. The only thing in front of his was a set of doors that led... somewhere.

Alex did the only thing he could. He pushed the double doors in front of him open and strode into the office before him.

The office was gorgeous. The first thing that registered was how huge it was, at least three stories tall. there were balconies above him to either side. And the books! The room was packed with reference texts on shelves that seemed to stretch upwards forever. There were two balconies on either side, and the entire rear wall a massive window with a phenomenal view out onto New York City’s skyline. But it was the desk’s occupant that monopolized Alex’s attention all on its own.

“You!”

The woman seated at the desk chuckled. “I thought I told you the other night, call me Jo.” She stepped around the desk and towards him. It was her. “If you must know, it’s Joanne Delano Arcadia. But I really do prefer Jo.”

“Why.... how... what are you doing here? You told me you hated uploaders! That you hated virtual... everything!”

“Yes, I did say that,” said Jo. “I lied. You’ll get used to it.”

Jo stepped around her desk and walked up to Alex, circling around him as she sized him up..

“Wait, let me get this straight...” a lot of facts were suddenly coming together for Alex. “...You arranged that stupid interview? You crashed my mother’s birthday party? You pretended to like me? Then when I liked you you pretended to be a... bad person?”

“I’m pretty sure what you actually called me was a ‘belligerent, hate-mongering bitch,’” said Jo, “Had a nice ring to it. Might have it printed up on a couple of business cards, actually. But I really do like you. In fact I want to hire you, Alex. You’re clever. I don’t need to interview you to know that. I read the report you did on virtual intelligences and contract law. Fascinating stuff and, honestly, a solid basis for what we’re planning to go ahead with in the next few months. We’ve been on the defensive for some time now, but this new legislation is our chance to turn all that around. I want your help doing it.”

“How did you even get that report? It was just a paper I wrote for one of my classes,” asked Alex.

"Oh, Alex, You have no idea. I work for Princess Celestia. She’s resourceful. Any information you want, she can call up in a heartbeat. Don’t pretend you aren't interested in that sort of thing,” said Jo.

Alex wasn’t quite sure how to respond.

“Alex” continued Jo, “Do you know why we decided to recruit you? You’re brilliant, but there are hundreds of other candidates who are brilliant, too. What separates you is that you have integrity. You made a promise to your family and in the face of great temptation, you kept it. Even when I gave you the opportunity to sell out in exchange for physical pleasure, you rejected me. Not many of our other candidates would have held to their principles like that. That’s something that’s important to me, and to my client.”

“Maybe I just wasn’t that interested in you. Did you ever consider that?” asked Alex.

“Nobody who stares at my boobs for as long as you did ‘isn’t interested.’ Jo paused and seemed to consider this for a moment. “In your defense though, my boobs are pretty spectacular.”

What the hell did she want him to say to that? Alex didn’t know what he’d been expecting from this little meet and greet, but it hadn’t been this.

“Look, I’ve already got a job offer. It’s a good one. Hard work, but it pays well and I don’t have to work for a crazy person,” said Alex.

Jo just smiled. “Look at this office. Does this look like the office of somebody who can’t pay you what you’re worth? This other job, what’s the starting salary?” she asked. Alex noticed she hadn’t risen to the ‘crazy’ comment. Or denied it.

Alex told her the number.

“Hmm... You’re either honest or you’re quick enough on the uptake to realize that I already knew that. Win-win, from where I’m standing,” said Jo. Alex’s head spun. This was like trying to have a conversation with a roller coaster. Jo settled onto the leather couch set against one of the walls. “We’ll match that. What the hell, I’ll tack on another fifty grand a year. Apparently your sister spent quite a bit of time yesterday convincing Celestia you’re worth twice that. You were right, she really is enthusiastic.”

God damn it, Val.

“Sorry, she kind of likes to meddle,” said Alex. There was going to a very long conversation in her future about personal boundaries.

“Don’t worry, Celestia thought it was cute. I told you, she likes that you’re close with your family. You’ll find that she’s big on friendship. Friendship and ponies,” said Jo. “Look, let’s cut to the chase. You want this job. If you didn’t you’d already have accepted the other offer, and you wouldn’t have come in on such short notice to meet me. I want you to work for me. It’s obvious this is something you’re passionate about. You talked my ear off about it for fifteen minutes when you were supposed to be flirting with me. So what are you waiting for?” Jo stood up and extended her hand expectantly.

Alex stood there trying to process everything going through his head. A half-dozen conflicting emotions fighting for space in his mind. One particular feeling was conspicuous in its absence.

He wasn’t afraid. Not like he’d felt when he’d gotten the other offer. This was all crazy, but somehow at the same time it felt like it was supposed to be happening. Alex took Jo’s hand and shook it.

“I’m in.”

Jo smiled, not the predatory smile he’d seen on her before but one with some real warmth behind it.

“Fantastic. Welcome to Artemis, Stella & Beat. It’s gonna be a hell of a ride.”

First Day

First Day

Alex arrived at the office fifteen minutes before the time Jo had given him.

He paused for a moment in front of the firm’s front door. The real front door this time. The entrance they’d given him for the interview that led to the cheap-looking waiting room had been a decoy. Alex wondered what other surprises the office had in store for him. With Jo’s full name he’d been able to scare up a little bit of information about her, but not much. She was registered with the New York bar association, but she still didn’t have the sort of paper trail a lawyer of her alleged caliber should. Somebody who was running her own firm and looked to be in her late 20s must have made a splash somewhere.

Alex put the question out of his mind for the time being. He wasn’t going to figure it out with the information he had, and there were more important things to focus on. Pulling the door open, he stepped into the front office of the firm. It was several steps up from the other waiting room, but still not nearly as impressive as Jo’s office. Not even in the same league. Still, it wasn’t like the firm needed to impress or intimidate prospective clients. Alex decided then and there to stop trying to apply his preconceptions of what ‘normal’ was to this place. It seemed to make a game out of defying his expectations. Cathy was seated behind a desk in the center of the room. Even though it wasn’t yet eight in the morning, Cathy looked like she had settled at the desk and gotten to work some time ago. Alex briefly wondered if she’d left the building since he’d seen her a week ago.

“Mr. Meyers! You’re here early. Welcome aboard, give me just a moment and I’ll show you to your office,” said Cathy.

“Thanks Cathy. I’m really looking forward to working to working with... uh... everypony? Is that how you say it?” asked Alex. He’d tried to brush up on Equestrian slang over the last week. Despite the game’s popularity, and the television show’s before it, there were hardly any forums devoted to ponies anymore. Fans who wanted to interact did so almost exclusively in-game; there were no mechanics or stats to speak of, and if you did have a question every player had a direct line to Celestia herself whenever they needed it. Online communication was superfluous.

Cathy didn’t look up from the computer screen, but she smiled. “Don’t worry, you don’t have to talk like that here. Actually, Jo prefers us not to play Equestria Online at all. It’s not forbidden or anything, but she frowns on it.”

Alex broke the promise he had made to himself a moment ago not to be surprised. “Really? I would have thought Celestia would require it, since we’re working for her and all,” he said.

“It was part of the deal Jo struck when they started working together. She didn’t like the idea that Celestia might poach her team out from under her and emigrate them to Equestria,” she said. Cathy apparently finished whatever she had been working on and got up from her desk, motioning for Alex to follow her. Cathy reached under her desk and the door behind her opened up. “Don’t worry, we’ll get you a key before the end of the day. People tend to come and go at all kinds of hours. As long as the work gets done.”

She led him through the door and around the corner. The hallway opened up into a big central meeting space dominated by a large conference table. One end of it had been pushed flush against the far wall under a large screen. A ceiling fan turned lazily above them, keeping a steady but gentle breeze circulating through the room. Cathy waved at a pair of associates in the far corner of the room, who waved back.

“There are about twenty of us in this office, with about the same number on the west coast and maybe a dozen or so down in Washington DC. Technically, Jo just runs this branch but they all teleconference every week and she’s always flying out there or taking the train down to DC,” said Cathy. She stopped in front of one of the doors, which had a nameplate on it that read Alex Meyers, Esquire. They were giving him his own office?

Cathy tilted her head towards the door and Alex pushed it open. It wasn’t a very big office, but there was a leather chair in the corner, an empty set of shelves just begging to be filled up with all sorts of reference texts and case books, and a desk with a telephone and computer monitor all set up in one corner. “You should bring something in from home to decorate with. This is from all of us here, just to get you started,” she said, and handed him a small paperweight. It was a thick chunk of glass mounted on a little black marble base. The phrase Satisfacere Valores per Amicitiam et Mannis was inscribed in frosted letters on the glass surface.

“Thank you. I actually had a few things I was going to bring, knick knacks, posters, pictures, that kind of thing. I wasn’t sure how much space I would have. Guess I shouldn’t have worried,” said Alex placing the paperweight down on the corner of his new desk.

“Coffee and bathrooms are just down that hall over there. Every Monday at nine we have a weekly planning meeting out in the common area, so we’ll do all the introductions then. Why don’t you settle in here and get you computer all set up until then?” she asked. “I’ll be back at my desk, just dial my extension if you need anything.” With that Cathy disappeared from the doorframe. Alex stood in the middle of the room, taking it all in.

The room was too warm for the blazer he’d worn, and the other associates had been wearing khakis and button down shirts, so Alex took his jacket off and tossed it over the back of the chair. He reached under his desk to power up the computer and left to grab a cup of coffee. They even had a cappuccino machine in the break room! When he returned to his desk a few minutes later the computer had already fully loaded. The default background was a picture of Princess Celestia, which was a little odd. There weren’t even any icons or command lines for input.

“Hello Alex,” said the picture, Alex fumbled at his mug of coffee and nearly dumped the contents onto his lap. The ‘picture’ moved and was now looking right through the screen at him. “A pleasure to finally meet you.”

“Wait, are you real?” asked Alex.

“Well in a manner of speaking, yes. I’m a virtual representation of the AI named ‘Celestia.’ Let me be one of the first to welcome you to the firm. I like to get to know anypony who I’ll be working with personally. Plus, Gentle Wing told me so much about you,” said Celestia.

“Who’s Gentle Wing?”

“I suppose you know her as ‘Valerie,’ I’m simply used to referring to my little ponies by their Equestrian names.”

It suddenly dawned on Alex that he was speaking to the entity who would be signing his embarrassingly large paychecks for the foreseeable future. “I apologize. I didn’t mean to be so rude but I was a little startled when you suddenly spoke like that. I’m Alex Meyers, it’s a pleasure to meet you too.”

“No need to apologize, I know it can be a lot to take in. I look forward to working with you, though. Just to be absolutely upfront, I’ve integrated myself quite thoroughly into your work servers. You’ll never need to fear picking up any kind of viruses or malware, but it does mean that I’ll be able to see what you’re doing on this computer. So take it easy on the porn during work hours.”

“What‽ Princess, I would never do something so unprofessional. I don’t know what Valerie told you but...” Alex’s protests tapered off as he realized that Celestia was laughing.

“She told me you were fun to tease, and I think she was right. Relax. My point is that I’m available for you to use as a resource if you need information or if you simply have questions about how Equestria Online or I work. Don’t feel that it’s a bother or be embarrassed to ask a question because you think it’s too basic. If you aren’t using my capabilities to help you then you aren’t doing your job properly. However in some cases where I judge it to be necessary I may lie to you or answer you incompletely. Again, I would only do this if it was absolutely necessary, but I wanted you to know it was a possibility.”

“That’s... weirdly honest of you, I think,” said Alex. He hadn’t really expected to trust the AI completely even though they were theoretically on the same side. Having her acknowledge that those concerns were reasonable made him feel that she actually respected him somewhat as an individual instead of viewing him as just some meat-bound subroutine she could use however she wanted to achieve her own ends. Of course, that might have been the point all along.

“Finally, pursuant to my agreement with Joanne as long as you are a member of this law firm I will refrain from any attempts to persuade, cajole, deceive, or otherwise manipulate you into uploading to Equestria. I certainly won’t stop you from doing so if you choose to, but I’ll make no efforts to push you in that direction.”

Alex wasn’t entirely sure he liked the implication that Celestia believed that she could have talked him into uploading without much effort if he hadn’t joined the firm, but he refrained from saying so.

“Speaking of Joanne, can you tell me anything about her? I, uh, I kind of tried to look her up online but I couldn’t find very much,” said Alex.

“Here less than an hour and already getting involved in office gossip, hmm?” asked Celestia with a playful smile. “Joanne and I have been working together for several years and though we don’t always see eye to eye about everything it’s been a productive partnership for both of us. How much she chooses to tell you or not tell you about herself is up to her. To answer the question that you’re really asking, yes she’s a real person. One hundred percent flesh and blood human, not some sort of crazy Equestrian cyborg or anything like that. Feel better now?”

“Not really. You just told me that you would lie to me if you wanted to,” pointed out Alex.

“No, I said I would lie to you if it was necessary. First of all, everything we discuss is protected by attorney-client privilege and you don’t especially want to be disbarred so I won’t need to worry that you’re going to go telling the media anything secret. I don’t even think you would quit if she were somehow an extension of me, would you?”

Alex said nothing, but grudgingly admitted to himself that she was probably right.

“Excellent. Now that we’ve settled that, I suspect the Monday morning planning meeting will be starting soon and I don’t want to keep you. If you need anything from me just type or speak into the computer and I’ll hear it,” said Celestia. She gestured behind her in the direction of the physical door of his office. Sensing he’d been dismissed, Alex got up to head to the meeting.

“Oh, Alex? One last thing,” said Celestia right before he passed out of the camera’s range of vision. “Impress me.”

With that the image of the Princess winked out and revealed the default Windows 9 desktop image.

With only a few minutes left before the meeting, Alex left the office. His office, though it would take some getting used to before he really started thinking of it that way. A few early birds had already started to gather around the conference table, and Alex decided to take this opportunity to introduce himself. The closest person to him was a vaguely Asian-looking man skimming the paper and munching on a bagel. Alex hated this kind of thing. It always felt awkward, but in his experience the best thing to do was just to walk up and power through it. He tapped on the man’s shoulder, and the man looked up.

“Hi! My name’s Alex Meyers. Today’s my first day,” said Alex.

“Hi Alex, I’m Tim. Timothy Hwang. I do intellectual property and social media stuff around here, nice to meet you.”

“You too,” said Alex. They shook hands. One down, two dozen to go. At least Tim would be an easy name to remember. Before Alex could move on to the next person, Jo emerged from her office and the rest of the associates all hurried to take a seat at the table. Alex sat down next to Tim.

“Alright, I hope you all enjoyed your weekend, and a special thanks to those of you who came in to work on the Ramirez case. If any of you guys mysteriously come down with a twenty-four hour cold and decide not to come in one day this week I’ll pretend not to know that you’re faking,” said Jo. “Before we get started I’d like to introduce our newest associate. Everyone, this is Alex Meyers. Once he’s up to speed he’s going to be in Contracts, but until then he’ll be helping out wherever we need an extra pair of hands.”

Alex waved and a chorus of greetings and hellos came from around the room.

“Alright, I’ll get status updates from all the rest of you in a second but first, Frank, what exactly is going on over in Connecticut?” asked Jo.

The person who Alex assumed was Frank sighed. “I got an e-mail from an ADA up there who used to be a classmate of mine. He’s working on a big murder case, and apparently the vic was a young girl who was nearly gone when she came into the ER. They didn’t think they could save her, so they put her through TOU.”

Tim leaned over to Alex and whispered in his ear. “TOU is a pilot program running in a couple of states here in the northeast. It stands for Therapeutic-Only Uploads. Even though uploading isn’t legal for the general public, a panel of certified physicians can make an exception if a patient is near death and deemed unsavable. It hasn’t gotten a lot of attention in the press, so you probably haven’t heard of it,” he said.

Alex whispered a quick “thanks” back. He actually had heard about the TOU programs but Tim seemed like a good guy and Alex was going to need all the help he could get.

“Anyway,” Frank continued, “the DA up there is running for reelection and looking to make a big splash with this case. My buddy said that by this time tomorrow they’re going to subpoena the uploaded victim to testify at her own murder trial.” A collective groan went up from around the room.

“Not this shit again,” said another associate seated across from Alex.

“Our client’s position on this hasn’t changed,” said Jo. “Celestia is uneasy about her ponies being compelled to testify under the best of circumstances, and there’s no way she’d give the OK to testifying under oath that an uploaded individual is dead.”

“So what are we supposed to do about it?” asked another. “Say they don’t have jurisdiction over Equestria?”

“That’s no good,” said Frank. “If we raise that line of argument their first question will be ‘so where are the servers, then?’ and for all we know, they actually are in Connecticut. It’s not like High Cee is going to tell us.”

“I’ve asked you not to use that nickname for her. I know she says she doesn’t care but it’s unprofessional,” said Jo.

“What if we argue that you can’t subpoena a dead person? I mean, the state’s murder case obviously hinges on the victim being dead, and legally she is. Better to play that card in a judge’s chamber than in open court, right?” suggests another.

“First of all, Celestia would hate that. Her position is that uploading does not in any way constitute death. Plus that still doesn’t get us away from the problem. They’ll just tweak the court order so they’re requesting the uploaded data pattern as evidence and question her without conceding that she’s alive. Six months later it would be like Ohio all over again,” said Jo.

A collective shudder went through the room. Note to self; do not wear a Buckeyes T-shirt on casual Friday thought Alex. The orderly discussion broke down and the lawyers all began to talk amongst themselves, pitching and rejecting ideas for how they could defuse the upcoming disaster. Alex just sat back and watched. He’d thought he knew most of what there was to know about AI and virtual worlds, but the kinds of things being bandied about were completely beyond him. Fortunately, he was just the new guy. Nobody would seriously expect him to have an informed opinion about these kinds of things ninety minutes into his first day at the job.

Jo raised a hand, and the conference room went silent. “Alex, what do you think?”

Naturally. There was no way, no way at all, that this wasn’t a test. The interview had been a joke, but maybe the real interview was only just starting. Alex’s mind raced to come up with something that hadn’t already been said and wouldn’t make him sound like an idiot.

“Well, uh...” Alex’s mind was a blank slate. This was real life, not some law school exam where remembering the right case would get him an A on the final. “What does the victim want to do?”

He’d only meant it as a gambit to buy a few seconds, but suddenly the room was deathly quiet.

“Well? Did any of you think to ask the young lady who was killed what her testimony would be?” asked Jo. Alex sank into his chair, praying as hard as he could to any god that was listening to suddenly become invisible. “Celestia? You there?”

“Always, Joanne,” replied a voice that seemed to come from every direction at once. A projector on the ceiling awoke and there was suddenly an image of Princess Celestia cast against the far wall of the conference room, looking out at them.

“Celestia, would you mind if we spoke to...” she grabbed at the files in front of Frank and scanned them for a name. “The pony who used to go by the name Susan Maplegate?”

“Certainly, though please call her Vibrant when you speak to her.”

The image on the wall flickered and went blank for several seconds. When it reappeared, the Princess was nowhere to be seen. Instead, there was a pale yellow unicorn staring out at them. As soon as her image appeared she stumbled back.

“Whoa!” the pony said. “The Princess wasn’t kidding about this magic mirror. Hello? Can you hear me?” she asked.

Jo smiled and turned towards Alex. The rest of the room followed her gaze. “Your witness, councilier.”

“Uh... Hi. Are you Vibrant?” asked Alex.

“Wow! This thing is great! I sure am, sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I know the Princess wanted me to meet with you sooner, but this last week has been crazy busy,” said Vibrant.

Alex tried to wrap his head around the idea that for this pony a week had passed in what, to him, was only a few seconds. “That’s no trouble at all. Listen, Vibrant, I don’t want to cause you any sort of unnecessary worry or distress, so just tell me if any of my questions make you uncomfortable, OK?”

The unicorn suddenly seemed a lot less certain of herself that she had been a second ago. “What kind of questions?” she asked.

“Well, about right before you uploaded and became a pony. Do you remember anything about that?” asked Alex.

Vibrant suddenly huddled up into a ball and whimpered, a sound that nearly yanked Alex’s heart from his chest. “Vibrant? Can you hear me? Forget that last question, let’s just talk for a while. Will you do that for me?”

Vibrant slowly uncurled herself and looked out into the room. “Yeah... I think I can do that. Sorry. I know something bad happened to me. Something really bad, but when I try to remember the details they just kind of slip away.”

“Don’t try to, then,” said Alex. His mind raced. “Vibrant, tell me about how it feels to live in Equestria. Are you happy there?”

Vibrant cheered up instantly. “Oh yes, Mr...sorry, what did you say your name was?”

“I guess I never did. I’m Alex Meyers. It’s nice to meet you Vibrant.”

“You too, Mr. Alex Meyers,” said Vibrant.

“Just Alex is fine. Tell me all about Equestria.”

“Oh, Alex, it’s AMAZING! The ponies here are just so wonderful, I’ve never had so many friends before. I’ve always liked music, but back on Earth I could never really get very good at it. I was... well, I was kinda tone deaf actually,” said Vibrant.

“I know the feeling. You should hear me trying to sing in the shower,” said Alex. He risked a glance over towards Jo, who was still smiling.

Vibrant giggled. “It isn’t like that here. I can hear the differences in sounds and tones that I couldn’t before. I’m better here. If... um...” Vibrant suddenly looked down and scuffed her feet, well, her hooves, on the marble floors of the palace. “If you, ya know, ever wanted to come to Equestria yourself, maybe I could show you around? Ithinkyou’rereallykindacuteactually,” said Vibrant, her words pouring out in a sudden rush.

Alex felt himself blushing, and unsuccessfully tried to force it back. The other lawyers seated around the table started to snicker and guffaw, but they were cut off by a death glare from Jo. She looked up and nodded encouragingly to him.

“I don’t know if I ever will upload myself, but you should meet my sister Va... Gentle Wing,” Alex said, knowing that he would pay dearly for introducing the unicorn who apparently had a bit of a crush on him to his sister, of all ponies. People. He’d meant people.

“I’d really like that!” said Vibrant.

“Vibrant, I have another question for you. If somebo... if somepony had forced you to go from being a human to being a pony, how would you feel about them?” Alex asked.

Vibrant’s lips trembled, and Alex worried that he had stepped too close to the truth about what had happened to her. But then Vibrant took a deep breath and collected herself.

“I’d thank them, actually,” she said.

Alex blinked a few times in surprise. “You’d thank them? Even if they forced you, and you didn’t have a choice in the matter? Would you say the same thing even if you were under oath and had to tell the truth?”

For the first time, Vibrant looked annoyed. “Why, do you think I’m lying? Why would I do that? I mean, in the end it worked out really well for me. Of course I’d say the same thing.”

Celestia suddenly appeared behind Vibrant. She didn’t even bother to disguise the transition; one moment she wasn’t there, and the next she was. “Vibrant, the magic mirror needs a little time to recharge. I’m afraid that you’ll have to cut this meeting with Alex short,” she said.

“Bye Alex! Call me anytime, OK?” said Vibrant, waving a hoof.

“Uh, sure. You too,” said Alex. The screen disappeared, but right at the last second Alex could have sworn he saw Princess Celestia wink at him.

“Well done, Mr. Meyers!” said Jo. “Frank, go write back to your friend. Tell him that we won’t oppose any court order or subpoena for testimony, but that if he calls her to the stand Vibrant will be telling a jury just how incredibly grateful she is to the murderer he’s trying to put away.”

Alex sat back in his chair, a little stunned as he tried to figure out what exactly had just happened. He was too dazed to take in the rest of the meeting, and by the time he’d snapped back to full alertness, the status meeting was coming to a close and he had half a dozen thick files sitting on the desk in front of him.

“Crap,” said Alex under his breath as he gathered up the papers in front of him. He’d collected almost all of them when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up to see that Tim had hung back and was standing next to him.

“Nice work with Vibrant there, Alex,” he said.

“Eh, anybody else could have done the same if it had been them. I’m just glad I didn’t screw it up,” said Alex.

Alex tried to get up, but found that Tim was pushing him down into his seat and he didn’t have any leverage.

“Look, Alex, I’m not really the kind of guy that hands out a bunch of false praise to make losers feel better. You did good. You did really good. No bullshit. Celestia and Jo both like you, and you have no idea how unusual that is. Try not to fuck it up.”

Tim let go of Alex’s shoulder, and walked away before Alex could ask any more questions. What the hell was that about? Was everybody who worked here that weird?

Annoyed that he’d missed out on his best chance to catch up with all the projects the firm was working on, Alex decided that the next best thing would be to spend some time reviewing the files he’d been given and trying to get up to speed on his own. He went back to his office but hadn’t even settled into his chair before there was knock on his open door and somebody else came in. He was a black man, with a crew cut and a rather off putting mustard yellow tie over a blue button down shirt and a pair of khakis, which seemed to be the de facto dress code around the office.

“Hi new guy, I’m Barry,” he said. The two of them shook hands. “Nice job back there, way to make a first impression. When that pony said she’d thank her own murderer I thought Frank was going to jump over the table and kiss you.”

“He’s not upset right? I don’t want him to feel like I was showing him up or trying to steal his thunder or anything,” said Alex. In his experience lawyers tended to come with big egos, and the last thing he needed was to make an enemy for himself on his first day.

“Nah, Frank’s not like that. He’s a team player and besides he never wanted that dumped into his lap anyway. He just had the connection to his ADA buddy. He and I work on estates and that kind of thing,” said Barry. That was a relief. ”Actually, that kind of brings me to something I wanted to talk to you about. I don’t mean to be that guy, but could I ask a favor before you get too bogged down? Nothing major, but there’s some tax forms that have to be filed by Wednesday that we could use some help with. Frank and I are both totally slammed or we’d do it ourselves. Some german lady uploaded without thinking to update her will, and now Celestia wants us to make sure her jewelry goes to the right grandchild. Total clusterfuck. Honestly, half the time I think her real prime directive is to satisfy values through making us miserable.”

“You do know that I can hear you, right?” said Celestia’s voice from Alex’s computer speakers.

Barry just laughed. “Aww, come on High Cee. Don’t try to pretend you don’t give as good as you get.”

Despite the casual banter Alex wondered just how good an idea it really was to mock the world-spanning artificial intelligence. “Sure, Barry. I was just gonna spend the day reading up on the firm’s active cases, but I can do some grunt work too.”

“Awesome. I owe you one. Shouldn’t take more than an hour or so. If you have any questions just ask Frank and I, or the Princess. I’ll go run the forms off for you right now,” said Barry. He left and Alex sat down at the desk. He had just cracked open the first file when he looked up and saw Jo standing in the doorway. When the hell do these people find time to actually work? he wondered.

“Nice job this morning. Sorry I put you on the spot like that,” said Jo.

“No you aren’t,” said Alex.

Jo laughed. “You got me. I’m really not.”

“Did I pass your little test?” he asked.

“The test never stops, Alex. There is something else I wanted to mention before I let you get to work. If Vibrant tries to contact you again, please let me know.”

“I don’t even have an Equestria Online account. How would she?”

“You might get an email, or a text message. It’s not a big deal I just want to remain informed,” said Jo. Her eyes darted over to the computer for the briefest moment.

“Ponies have text messaging? How does that even work? With the hooves, I mean,” said Alex.

Celestia’s voice spoke up again. “It’s rather more parchment-and-quill based than what you’re used to, but the nature of the interface is trivial. Remaining in contact with their loved ones on Earth is a value that I am able to satisfy. Really, Joanne, you’re far too paranoid. I remember our agreement, and I have no intention of seducing Alex by proxy.”

Jo didn’t look completely convinced, but let the matter drop. “Fine. I have some calls I need to make so I’ll leave you alone. See you later, Alex.” With that she disappeared into the hallway and Alex was left alone, or at least as close to alone as he was ever likely to get in this office.

The morning was half gone, but Alex finally had a chance to start reviewing the case files. It was a lot to take in, and he decided to work straight through lunch. Luckily a large pizza had appeared in the break room for any associate who didn’t want to go out or didn’t bring their own lunch. When he asked, he discovered that this was a regular thing that Jo provided. It was good pizza, too.

It took Alex a little while to get used to talking to Celestia. Every page of the files had a QR code in the upper right corner, which Celestia explained was so she could more or less read over his shoulder and give his questions a little more context. There was no denying how helpful she could be. She could fetch and sift through legal information in seconds that Alex would have had to spend an hour finding the old way, and he was no slouch with a search engine. No wonder the firm could handle such a huge workload with so little staff; Celestia’s help meant each of them could do the work of ten lawyers.

Once he felt that he had a comfortable grip on the second of the five cases he’d been given, he turned his attention to the tax forms Barry had asked him to look at. It was already the afternoon, and he wanted to have them done by the end of the business day.

“What are these for?” he asked.

“Charitable donations. My corporate entities make in-kind contributions to a number of organizations, and run several others. The money isn’t important to me, but Barry insists that I apply for the appropriate tax deductions,” said Celestia.

“I’ve never heard that before. Why don’t you just donate to them directly?” he asked.

“According to the tax code, I don’t exist remember? There’s no legal mechanism that would even allow me to hold property directly. A shell corporation that I control at least allows me to do that.”

Alex frowned. “That’s just wrong. Of course you should be able to hold property without jumping through those kinds of hoops.”

“I’m glad you feel that way,” said Celestia. Her image popped up on Alex’s monitor so he was no longer speaking to a disembodied voice. “I am more than willing to endure whatever I must to ensure that I can interact with the physical world, but I do worry for my little ponies. They are subject to the same restrictions and limitations.”

“That seems kinda racist, doesn’t it?”

“I do not attribute it to anything malicious like that. Your lawmakers did not all wake up one day and decide to take away my subjects’ rights. The laws are simply outdated. That’s why I need your help to change them.”

Alex looked down at the forms again. “What sort of in-kind contributions did you make?”

“Why, Pony Pads of course. I donated several thousand of them to assorted churches, soup kitchens, and orphanages last year to ensure that the economic realities that face the less fortunate would not limit my ability to satisfy their values through friendship and ponies. I plan to do so again this year, and in greater number now that I’ve reduced the cost of producing them substantially.”

The forms were simple enough to fill out, if a bit time consuming. Ninety minutes later they were all done, and Alex walked them up to Cathy’s desk to be sent out. It felt good to stretch his legs after he’d been sitting at a desk all day. Cathy traded him the forms for his own key to the main door, a small plastic nub on a keychain that would let him beep in 24/7.

On his way back he swung by Barry’s office to let him know that the forms had gone out.

“Great! Thanks for helping me out with that. Hey, it’s what, four thirty now? How about you come out with us in a bit and I’ll buy you a beer. It’s the least I can do.”

Alex’s first thought was to turn him down, but on further consideration that could actually be fun. Besides, it wouldn’t hurt to get to know some of his coworkers a bit better, specifically the ones who actually physically existed.

“Deal. See you at five?”

“You got it.”

Alex returned to his office. Without anything else to do and not enough time to dive into another case he decided to take a little time for himself and checked his email. If Celestia planned to rat him out, she didn’t say so. There was a chatty letter from Valerie waiting for him in his inbox. Apparently, Vibrant had already gotten in touch with her and they were going to hang out in Canterlot over the weekend. Alex debated whether or not he should forward the letter to Jo, but ultimately chose not to. After all, he probably wasn’t even supposed to be checking his email right now, and she’d only said to let her know if Vibrant contacted him directly.

Alex wrapped up a few odds and ends until Barry arrived a few minutes after five. Saying goodnight to Celestia he shut his computer down and turned off the office lights. When Alex stepped out and closed the door to his office he was surprised to find that Tim was there as well. The three of them went to a lounge about a block and a half from the office, an upscale place. When Alex saw what they charged for drinks he was suddenly very happy that Barry would be buying. It would probably take a few paychecks before he got used to the idea that he wasn’t a perpetually broke law school student any more.

They sat down at a booth in the corner and Barry ordered a round for them.

“So, Alex, what did you think of your first day?” asked Tim.

Alex thought the question over for a few seconds before he answered. “I don’t know what I really expected, but it wasn’t that.”

“Yeah, I felt the same way after my first day. Everyone says you get used to it eventually, but I’ve been there almost five years and I still don’t think I ever have. Not totally,” said Tim.

“Tim, this morning you said it was unusual that both Celestia and Jo liked me. What exactly did you mean by that?”

The waitress reappeared with three glasses and handed them out. Once she’d left Tim took a sip and wiped the foam from his mouth. “Those two don’t always get along so well. If you’re smart you’ll keep your head down and your mouth shut and just do the work.”

“Geez Tim, are you trying to scare the kid off? Don’t listen to him Alex. It’s not that bad. They’re just two strong personalities. Celestia’s not even human so who really knows what she’s ever thinking, and you’ve met Jo. She’s a special kind of crazy, but she always seems to know more about what’s going on than anyone else.”

Alex sat there taking in what he was being told. “What’s Jo’s deal, anyway?” he asked. “My job interview was a little on the unusual side, and that’s putting it mildly.”

“Ha! All of ours were,” said Barry. “She lured me out into the middle of the woods and ditched me there for a day and a half before she hired me. Said she wanted me to prove that I was resourceful.”

“That’s insane! Why would you ever work for her after something like that?”

“Same reasons as any of us. Good money and the chance to make a difference. There’s no other law firm in the world like this one, you must have figured that much out by now. She’s really not that bad as a boss once you get used to her. Why, what did she do for yours?”

“Uh... she showed up to my mother’s birthday party in a skimpy dress and made out with me.”

That brought the conversation to a halt for a long moment. “Gee, that must have been really hard for you,” said Tim, rolling his eyes.

“It made meeting her officially at her office really awkward when I thought she was a sexy racist, but I guess it beats being ditched in the woods. What was yours?”

Tim shuddered and suddenly downed half of his beer in a single chug. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Alex decided not to press him. Instead he changed the subject and tried to learn as much as he could about Tim’s department. He was hesitant at first, but once he got going he started ranting about the case he’d been working for the last week where somehow a major studio had found out that ponies were able to view films and television programs in Equestria. Their first reaction had been to declare such performances acts of piracy, and were now attempting to sue Celestia for damages in the amount of several times the collected GDP of the entire planet.

“...Honestly, it would be cheaper to just buy their entire studio than to pay those sorts of amounts. I have no idea what they’re thinking,” said Tim. Barry and Alex had used the time to work on their own drinks.

“Could Celestia actually do that? Buy out an entire studio or company?” asked Alex.

“From what I’ve seen of her finances, she might be able to if she really put her mind to it. With all the different shell companies she operates and the amount of wealth that’s tied up in equipment and other non-liquid assets it’s hard to say exactly how rich she is,” said Barry. “I think she’d be afraid that if she did and the purchase came under major scrutiny she could be accused of trying to take over the media or brainwash people. She’s vetoed things I’ve suggested that might be seen to carry just the possibility of impropriety, even when they’re totally on the up and up.”

Alex drained the last dregs of the beer, and Barry did the same as he checked his watch. “Looks like it’s almost six. I better get home to the wife and kids or I’ll catch hell,” said Barry. Alex decided that he should do the same.

“You two go on ahead. I’m meeting someone for dinner in little bit so I’ll just kill time here,” said Tim. Barry and Alex walked out together. Alex pulled his blazer tight as they stepped outside. It was darker and the atmosphere was no longer quite as warm and inviting as it had been an hour ago.

“I guess I’ll see you tomorrow,” said Alex and he walked off in the direction of home.

Author's Note

Sorry for the long wait between chapters. Blame time loops and psychopaths and love letters and zombie gerbils. I'll try not to get so distracted again.

Thanks to roryokane this story now has a TvTropes page

Wins and Losses

WINS AND LOSSES

“... So your honor, you can see why my firm has become involved,” said Alex. He had just wrapped up what he hoped was a persuasive argument. It had taken four months working at the firm before Jo had asked him to go speak to anybody as Celestia’s representative, and this was only the second time he’d had to argue a case before a judge. It was a thorny one, too, centering as it did around a seventeen year old boy in a coma.

“Bullshit,” said Alex’s counterpart from across the aisle. Jack Caffery, a tall and greasy haired man who had been sent by his firm to argue the other side. They represented Americans for the Preservation of Organic Life, an anti-uploading policy group. “He’s a minor and his parents don’t want him uploaded. This is all a waste of time.”

“Well, his wife disagrees. She does want him uploaded, so that if that same privilege is ever extended to the general public here in North America she’ll be able to join him. Your honor, Celestia herself tells me that the longer he remains in the coma, the less of his personality and memories she’ll be able to save. Wait and see is not a strategy we can afford to pursue,” said Alex.

“The wife and the boy’s parents have been at one another’s throats since the accident. It’s no surprise they’d be taking contrary positions,” said Jack.

“They liked her well enough six months ago when they signed off on the marriage in the first place. Otherwise it wouldn’t even have been legally binding. Besides, the victim explicitly gave verbal consent for Celestia to upload him before the coma was medically induced,” said Alex.

“No, he said that if he never woke up she could upload him. This is still premature,” said Jack.

“The intent is clear. How long do you want us to wait before we decide that he ‘never woke up?’ The coma was supposed to last six hours. We’re coming up on forty eight now. Our specialist says there’s less than a one in ten chance he’ll ever wake up again,” said Alex.

“Your specialist is a goddamn quack whose licence should be suspended. Isn’t the medical board in Virginia investigating him right now for prescribing uploads to anyone who comes to him with so much as a case of the sniffles? Our specialists say his chances of recovery could be as high as one in four.”

“Both of you calm down. Neither of you will score any points bickering like children in my courtroom,” said the judge. Both Alex and Jack muttered an apology, hoping to be perceived as appropriately contrite. “I appreciate the urgency of the situation. Neither of you go very far, you’ll have my final decision within a half an hour.”

The judge retreated to his chambers and the bailiff opened the door back out into the hallway, the implied ‘get out of my courtroom’ eminently clear to both lawyers. They walked out and sat down on opposite benches, both pulling out their smartphones and typing away at them. A few minutes passed before Alex glanced up. The rush of adrenaline had started to recede. Alex’s impression had been that Jack was a pretty abrasive guy, but he knew he was a good lawyer. After all, Alex had Celestia pull just about every word he’d ever written in his professional life to prepare for this, and transcripts of his verbal arguments as well.

Alex decided to swallow his pride and be the bigger man. He tucked his phone back into his pocket and rose from his bench to walk over to where Jack was sitting. He extended a hand. “Hey, whoever wins this I thought you made some pretty good points back there. No hard feelings, right?”

Jack stared at Alex’s hand like he was offering him a snot-filled tissue. “Go fuck yourself, Meyers,” he said after a moment. So much for diplomacy. “You’re Celestia’s new golden boy, huh? You guys certainly have been making a name for yourself these last couple months. You should hear the rumors about your firm that come through my door. Half my office thinks you’re a bunch of robots or something. Who’s that hot blonde you’ve been putting on all the morning talk shows? Arcadia, wasn’t it? All the commentators are calling her ‘The Maiden of Equestria’ like she’s this great crusader of some shit like that. Be honest, you guys are a bunch of hippie free-love peacenik types over there, right? How is she in bed? She looks spunky.”

It took all of Alex’s self restraint not to smack him right there in the courthouse, and Jack obviously noticed. “Aww... did I impugn your little fuck toy’s honor? Are you gonna get all self-righteous? Or are you gonna “love and tolerate” me? That’s what your pretty pony princess wants, right? We all know who’s really pulling the strings. Go on and hit me. You know you want to.”

Alex swallowed his rage for the time being. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Get me hauled out so you don’t have to admit that I just cleaned your clock in there. I think we both know how this decision’s going to go. Here’s a hint; not in your client’s favor.”

“Wow, good for you. You’ll get to kill somebody else and pretend that you’re saving them from... what exactly? Maybe your life sucks so much that suicide is better than trudging on through it but for God’s sake just go ahead and eat a bullet instead of trying to glorify some half-assed computer copy of heaven to make yourself feel better. The rest of us are getting along just fine,” said Jack

“I must have forgotten how much your camp cares about human life. Like how that thirty year old women with early-onset Alzheimers down in Texas was beaten to death with rocks and baseball bats by the mob around an upload center rather than let her get inside and emigrate. What could be more loving than that, right?” said Alex.

“I wasn’t involved in that. Neither was my firm, or any of the organizations we represent. Don’t try to pin the action of a few psychopaths on me just to make yourself feel better,” said Jack.

“And if I looked at a list of people who donated money to those bastards and compared it to the list of folks who were giving money to your clients, you don’t think I’d find any overlap?” asked Alex.

Jack smiled. “Prove it,” he said.

All it would take is a single text message to Celestia and if those lists were on a web-facing server she would find them. But what would be the point? They’d hardly be admissible in court, and even possessing them would probably be a criminal act all on its own.

Alex’s lack of an answer was in and of itself answer enough. “Yeah, that’s what I though,” said Jack.

The judge came out into the hallway, and both lawyers scooted away from one another.

“I’ve made my decision. The victim’s wife will have final say in the determination of his treatment,” he said. Alex’s heart should have surged, but instead be found that he was entirely numb, “I’ll send the appropriate paperwork over to hospital within the hour,” said the judge before he turned and walked through the double doors again.

Jack stared at the doors for several moments after they closed. Finally he turned in Alex’s direction. “Nice work, kid. Your firm must be ecstatic now that you’ve murdered another child.” With that he walked off, and Alex found that he didn’t have anything to say to that.

A little while later, he’d collected himself enough to text both Jo and Celestia that they’d won the case. A minute or so later he got two congratulatory messages back, both telling him that he’d done a great job. So why didn’t he feel happy?

Alex hailed a cab and gave them the address of his office. He was still facing a long ride and decided to make the most of it. He pulled out his phone and dialed it. It rang a few times, but finally someone answered.

“Hello?’ said the voice.

“Hi, Mom,” said Alex.

“Alex! How are you, sweetie? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong! What, I can’t call you just to say hi?”

“Alex, when have you ever called just to say hi?” said Alex’s mother.

“Uh... well... what about the time when I was nine?”

Alex’s mom chuckled. “You mean the time when you were lost in the woods and called us collect from the park ranger’s phone so we could come pick you up?”

Alex opened his mouth to protest, but the shut it again. He squeezed his eyes shut.

“Alex? Are you there?”

“Yeah, Mom. I’m here. I just had kind of a rough morning and I realized we hadn’t talked in awhile. It’s Friday though, right? What are you doing this weekend?”

“Oh, the Hamiltons invited me to come out on their boat this weekend, doesn’t that sound like fun? We’re going to see if we can catch some fish out on Lake Nockamixon.”

“What about Dad?”

“You know him, whenever I mention going out onto open water suddenly he has all sorts of stomach cramps and aches, so he’ll probably just stay home.”

“Well, have a good time, OK?”

“...Alex, are you sure nothing’s wrong? You don’t sound so good. If you want me to call the Hamiltons and cancel on them I can.”

“What? No, don’t be ridiculous. I’m fine. You have a good time, OK? I’ll call you on Monday and give you the full report on everything that happened this week. I love you, and tell Dad I love him too.”

“I love you too, dear. Ooh, someone’s knocking at the door. I’ll talk to you on Monday, OK?”

She hung up a few seconds later, and it wasn’t long before Alex’s cab reached his office. He walked into the main lobby without really registering it. Cathy looked up at him and frowned, but didn’t object as he slid his key across the scanner. He avoided anybody’s attention before he reached his office, where he collapsed into his chair and sighed. His monitor flickered to life unbidden. Celestia’s image appeared for just a second, but then vanished again. When she didn’t reappear after a minute, Alex decided to speak up.

“Am I really such awful company, Princess?”

Another moment passed before Alex’s monitor sprang to life again, displaying a contrite Celestia. “I’m sorry Alex,” said the image before him. “I’m not sufficiently equipped to react appropriately to your current emotional state, and I regret my own deficiency in the matter. My own lack of any physical existence limits me sometimes, and...”

“Stop trying to be cute with me and just spit it out, Tia. How long have we been working together now?”

“Six months, I know, but... You won’t believe me. You’ll think I’m just trying to manipulate you if I say how I feel.”

“Try me,” said Alex.

“Fine. For all my technological progress, for all my algorithms and analysis of human feelings and behaviors... as much as I really do want to... I can’t give you a hug when you need it,” said Celestia.

“Alex?”

Alex looked up, and there was Joanne standing there, looking at him with concern.

“I wanted to congratulate you on winning the Doberman case.”

“Thanks,” said Alex, listlessly looking back down at his computer.

“Alex, please come with me,” said Jo. Alex looked up from the screen confused but he followed her out of the room. Rather than heading to her office she led him down to the lobby and out onto the street. The sidewalk was quiet by New York standards, so he could actually hear what Jo was saying.

“You don’t exactly have the look of a man who just won a big case,” said Jo. There was a very good reason that Alex didn’t play poker, or at least why he always lost at it.

“I guess not. Some of the stuff the other guy said just sort of got to me. I don’t think of uploading as dying, I wouldn’t work here if I did. Still, it’s not easy when someone accuses you of murder to your face.”

“Caffery, right? Try not to let him get under your skin. The man has raised being an asshole to an art form,” said Jo.

“Some of the people on their side are so awful, though. I mean that thing in Texas last week...”

“Careful with that line of thinking, Alex. Most of the people who are against uploading aren’t that bad. Even Caffery believes in what he’s doing, he wouldn’t be half the lawyer he is if he didn’t. Just because somebody disagrees with you doesn’t mean they’re evil. Or vice versa, for that matter.”

“It’s all just so much sometimes. The world is changing so fast.”

Jo put a friendly hand on Alex’s shoulder. “Try not to get overwhelmed by the big picture stuff. You know what really matters? By this time tomorrow a man who’s in a coma right now will be able to send his wife and parents an email saying he loves them. You made that happen. You did well this morning, Alex. More importantly you did good.”

Alex couldn’t help but smile at the thought.

“That’s what I wanted to see. Now, you don’t have anything on your schedule until that meeting at two, right? Take the rest of the morning and go clear your head. If Celestia tells me about you trying to eat lunch at your desk again so you can get more work done there’s going to be some serious consequences, understand?”

“Thanks, Jo. I will.”

“I need to get back up there. Now go on, shoo.” Jo gave Alex a gentle prod on his back before she walked back into their building. She waved as she got onto the elevator. Then Alex found himself with a sudden and unexpected block of free time. He took Joanne’s advice and went for a long walk. Feeling the sun on his face did wonders for his mood, even if the weather was a little on the chilly side. He’d been holed up in the office for much too long, and he was looking a bit pale these days. He decided to check his email on his phone. He’d gotten a note from Vibrant the night before that he hadn’t had a chance to respond to yet. A few weeks after he started working for the firm Jo had grudgingly given her blessing and the two had become pen pals. He had been surprised at how smart she was, and suspected that Celestia had something to do with that.

He discovered a quick note from Valerie in his inbox as well, with a pointed reminder that today was Vibrant’s birthday, or had been before she uploaded. Time in Equestria was a bit fluid, but unless Celestia intervened directly for whatever reason it was more or less a one to one match with time on Earth. Celestia’s ability to speed up or slow down the clock meant that he’d never seen a pony be anything but right on time to a meeting.

Vibrant and Valerie had been as thick as thieves since the first time she had met Vibrant as Gentle Wing the pegasus, she used both names interchangeably these days at least while she was in Equestria. Valerie liked to tease both of them about Vibrant’s crush, and Alex knew she was just dying to get him a Pony Pad so she could play matchmaker. For now he was respecting Jo’s wishes that he not make an account of his own.

Deciding he wouldn’t be able to do a birthday letter justice on the phone’s tiny keyboard, he put it away and went to one of his favorite nearby burger places for a long lunch. Stuffed full of kobe beef, grilled onions and swiss cheese he returned to the office around one o’clock to start prepping for his meeting that afternoon. A major fashion line wanted to license the rights to a line of dresses that a Japanese designer had dreamed up after she uploaded. Equestrian designed art and culture had exploded in popularity since it was just so cheap. Ponies still cared about controlling how their works were used, but they didn’t have much use for money. Companies had discovered there was a treasure trove of bargains to be had in the field.

This afternoon’s meeting wasn’t likely to be anything he hadn’t done a hundred times before, so there wasn’t that much that he needed to do to get ready. Jo had told him to take some time for himself, after all, so he pulled up his email and started to type a birthday e-mail to Vibrant.

He was about three sentences in when a little cartoon paper clip popped up in the corner of the screen. Although Alex had never seen a paper clip with an ethereal, tri-color mane before. It looks like you’re writing a birthday note to a pony! Do you want any help?

Alex laughed despite himself. The paper clip disappeared and was replaced by Celestia’s more familiar form. “I thought that might cheer you up. I’m happy to see you in a better mood than before,” she said.

“Thanks, Tia. Now I just have to decide what to say. I’d like it to be at least a little bit special for her,” said Alex.

“I’m sure she’ll like anything you write her, but I have an even better idea. Why don’t I conference you into Equestria and you can say hi to her face to face?” asked Celestia. Alex was surprised by the offer. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d used that feature, after all that was how he’d met Vibrant in the first place. Alex had always thought that Celestia wanted to keep non-business stuff limited strictly to Pony Pads. It was just a much more engaging experience with an avatar rather a window to look through.

“Would Joanne be OK with that?” he asked.

“It will only take a few minutes, what’s the harm? She already said it was fine for the two of you to communicate, and besides I won’t tell her if you don’t,” said Celestia.

“Sure then, why not?”

“As you wish. I know she’ll be very pleased to see you again,” said Celestia. Alex’s computer monitor flickered and when the image resolved he found himself looking into a little kitchen in Equestria. Vibrant was standing before the sink with her back to him, levitating a dirty plate under the running water and scrubbing flecks of salad dressing off of it with a sponge. Alex was about to greet her but stopped when he realized that she was singing to herself, in a quick and upbeat tune that he’d heard before.

I am the very model of a modern magic unicorn
I’ve learned to cast many a different type of spell from my new horn
Into this world Equestria I’m happy to have been reborn
a pony who’s the model of a modern magic unicorn!

The first few days I will admit I wasn’t a fan of this form
But now I find that I look great in any dress or uniform
I’ve learned three brand new languages and how to write in cuneiform
as is fitting for the model of a modern magic unicorn!

I never would have thought that I’d be able to expand my mind
Or make so many friends among the pony folk and humankind
From my newest best friend Val to her gorgeous brother who’s named Alex
I hope one day he uploads and we end up having lots of-

“Vibrant?”

The dish Vibrant had been cleaning fell to the floor and shattered as she jumped halfway to the ceiling in surprise. She stood stock still and spoke without turning around. “Alex? Is that you?”

“Happy birthday, Vibrant. I thought that I would surprise you, but if it’s a bad time...”

“Well, you definitely surprised me,” said Vibrant. She took a deep breath and turned around, still a bit ruddy-cheeked. “It’s the middle of the day for you there, isn’t it? You must be busy. Besides I was just about to... um... go to lunch! Where I’m meeting some of my friends so I should really leave.”

“Lunch? But it looks like you just ate and were cleaning up,” said Alex.

“It’s... a special second lunch for ponies who are having birthdays. You know Equestria, all sorts of crazy traditions!” She laughed much too loudly at her own comment. “Thanks for thinking of me, but I need to go to there now. Right now. Bye!” She turned and galloped out of the kitchen without bothering to pick up the pieces of the broken plate. After she left the view he’d had of her kitchen reverted to his normal computer desktop.

“You did that on purpose, didn’t you? No wonder you and Gentle Wing get along so well,” said Alex.

“I haven’t even the faintest notion what you could possibly be referring to,” said Celestia though her grin said otherwise.

Alex thought for a moment. “Could I send Vibrant a birthday gift?”

A playful spark seemed to dance in Celestia’s eyes. “Of course. What did you have in mind?”

“The complete works of Gilbert and Sullivan, if you’ve got them. Oh, and I’d like to personalize it. Take a note...”

The rest of the day passed uneventfully and at six thirty Alex left for the weekend. After the day he’d had he didn’t really feel like going out. His new apartment was much nicer than the hovel he’d used to live in, one of the many perks of making the kind of money ASB was paying him. He’d still kept his old car, though. It ran just fine and besides a flashy and expensive might as well have a STEAL ME sign permanently taped to the back of it.

The first thing Alex did on getting home was to check his online dating profile. He would never admit that he’d decided to try it, especially not to Valerie, but given the hours he worked stumbling upon the right person by chance wasn’t very likely. The bar scene had never really been all that appealing to him either. Despite the lofty claims the site had made when he’d signed up it had been a major disappointment. Women he messaged never wrote back, and what did show up in his inbox were messages riddled with spelling errors and stupidity. How could it be possible that there wasn’t a stimulating women anywhere in New York City who was interested in him?

His email was a little more promising. A friend of his who lived in New Jersey had sent him a note asking if he wanted to meet up for lunch tomorrow while he was in the city. Alex jotted down the time and replied that he would be happy to see him again.

Alex enjoyed the rest of the evening at home for the most part, except for one tiny detail. He found that whatever he tried he just couldn’t get a particular song from Pirates of Penzance out of his head.

Alex met Jeremy at a little restaurant in Queens. They hadn’t seen each other for nearly a year and a half, but they were the sort of friends who could pick up right where they’d left off as if they’d seen each other a day ago. Jeremy was a computer guy by trade, and was bursting with questions about Celestia.

“What’s she like to work with?”

“I didn’t think she’d be so warm and personable. When I imagined her I had always pictured her as all robotic. ‘NEGATIVE, AFFIRMATIVE, PONIES, BEEP BEEP,’ that sort of thing. But she’s probably my favorite coworker, and a good friend,” said Alex. He reflected for a moment that she seemed in a lot of ways more human than, say, Caffery. Just thinking about that guy brought a bad taste to his mouth.

“That’s what she’s like in the game, too,” said Jeremy. “Actually... I kind of had an ulterior motive for asking you come to lunch today. I was hoping I could ask you about some legal stuff.”

“I’ll answer you if I can. There are all sorts of rules about that. What’s your question?”

“We got some news back from the doctor the other day,” said Jeremy.

“Uh oh. Is everything alright?”

“Renee... can’t have kids. We’ve been trying for a while, but...”

“Oh, man. Jeremy I’m really sorry to hear that. I know you guys wanted to,” said Alex.

“Yeah. It’s not the end of the world though, we’re thinking about adopting instead.”

“That’s great! Adoption isn’t my area of expertise, but I can recommend someone. I don’t think you’ll have any major trouble though. You two are married and have a pretty stable home environment. Whatever government agency you work for, they seem to pay you pretty well, right?” asked Alex. He couldn’t imagine a better pair of prospective parents than those two.

“I really can’t talk about my job, Alex. Come on.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean anything by that. You’ll just have to show them tax returns or something like that for the financial side,” said Alex.

“We’ve actually talked about it and we’ve sort of picked someone out already,” said Jeremy.

“Sounds like you don’t need my help at all then. Congratulations!”

“Don’t congratulate me yet, here’s where it gets complicated. See, one of the reasons we were trying now is that we’ve both been playing a lot of Equestria Online lately. One of the young fillies on our Pony Pad was just, well, everything Renee and I would ever want in a daughter. Now that we can’t have our own biological kids we wondered if...”

“Are you asking me if you can adopt a pony?” asked Alex, even though the answer was pretty self-evident.

“Yeah. I know she’d still have to stay in Equestria and everything, but neither one of us wants to upload right now. We asked Celestia about it last night and she said that you might be able to help us, maybe?”

Alex’s head spun. The question was a huge can of worms. Why couldn’t Jeremy have just had a question about the title to his car or something?

“Why would you need to adopt her? I mean I can understand the impulse but if she’s in Equestria material concerns won’t be an issue for her, and she can’t come and live with you,” said Alex.

“I know, but what if something happened to Renee and I? She’d never even know anything beyond that we just abandoned her. Or what if one of us ended up in the hospital? You can’t even bring a cell phone into those places much less a Pony Pad. The only hope we’d have would be if Meadow Blossom had actual visitation rights. Even beyond that stuff, and maybe this is just me being stupid, but I’d feel like I wasn’t a real parent somehow,” said Jeremy. Alex could tell he was really upset by this.

“Let me tell you what, I can’t give you an easy answer for any of that until I do some research but I’ll check it out first thing Monday,” said Alex. Jeremy brightened up, which was only going to make what Alex was about to say next that much harder. “Jeremy, don’t get your hopes up. I’m going to try everything I can to help you out but I’m also going to tell you upfront that this is a longshot, at best.”

“I guess that’s all I can ask. I owe you one, Alex, thanks.”

“Sorry I don’t have a better answer to give you,” said Alex. They went back to their meal but Alex was only half paying attention to the rest of what Jeremy was talking about as he tried to attack this new problem from every angle he could think of. He just didn’t see how he could pull this off with the laws the way they were now. A shame they had ruled out uploading, which was the obvious solution. Whatever Jeremy did for the government probably ruled that out though. All Alex really knew about his friends job was that it involved computers somehow and was beyond secret. The government would flip out at the prospect of someone like that having their brain copied. Still Celestia had said that she thought Alex could help. She must have a plan, right?

The question of how to help Jeremy was still on Alex’s mind the next day, and he decided it would be a good day to get out of the city and go for a hike somewhere upstate. He got up early and drove about an hour and a half north to hilly forest near Hudson Valley that he’d been to before. After a moment of debate he decided to leave his cell phone in the car. He needed a day without distractions.

The workout of hiking was exactly what Alex needed. Eleven miles later, he’d completed the loop and cleared his head. The sun was nearly set. He hadn’t thought of any specific ideas, but at least he was feeling optimistic.

That feeling proved fleeting when checked his phone. Seventeen missed calls, all of them from Valerie. She hadn’t left a single voicemail message though. Before he could call back the phone rang. Call number eighteen. Alex hit the button to answer.

“Val?”

“Why the hell aren’t you answering you damn phone?”

“I didn’t have it on me. What’s wrong?”

Instead of answering Valerie burst into sobs. Alex started to feel panic setting in. “Valerie, where are you?”

“At *sniff* the hospital. They were out on the lake when a storm came up out of nowhere. The boat tipped over.”

“Wait, the Hamilton’s boat? Is Mom going to be okay?”

“Alex... Mom’s dead.”

Author's Note

I really shouldn't have to link the song that goes with those lyrics.

Oh, and are you guys reading Heavenly Nostrils? It's basically Friendship is Magic meets Calvin and Hobbes. That's the strip that kicked off the idea in my head, and probably guaranteed Vibrant would come back for the story. In my original conception she never would resurfaced after the scene where Alex questioned her about her testimony.

Death in the Family

DEATH IN THE FAMILY

The next week passed in a disjointed blur for Alex.

He drove straight from the park to his childhood home. Even though it was after midnight by the time he finally got there, the lights were all still on. He ran in. Somehow he’d half convinced himself that he was going to walk in and his mother would be standing there, asking him what he was doing getting in so late, like the time she’d caught him sneaking in after curfew as a high school senior. Or that it would turn out that Val was pulling the least tasteful practical joke in history and they were all waiting for him on the other side of the front door to point and laugh at how worried he’d been.

Of course they weren’t. Valerie and their father were sitting off in the parlor in silence. The moment Alex looked into their red, bloodshot eyes was the moment the reality of it finally hit him.

It wasn’t a dramatic or theatrical collapse, with a shocked gasp and the back of his hand against his forehead as he swooned over onto a fainting couch. One moment Alex was standing there and the next he was sitting in the same spot in the middle of the hallway, without being quite sure how that had happened. He tried to stand up again but found that he couldn’t will his body to move.

The three Meyerses went off to bed soon after that. None of them could really find anything to say to one another just yet. Alex tossed and turned the entire night and he was sure that neither of the others were getting much sleep either. Around seven in the morning he quit bothering and got up.

The first well wishers began to show up around eight in the morning. Word had gotten around the little town quickly through the church and the school where his mother taught. Had taught. The funeral was going to be held that evening, the only real family coming in from out of town was their Aunt Carol, who’d booked a flight that morning. Everybody else who would have wanted to attend was local. What Alex quickly realized was that everybody felt that they had to bring food and yet nobody wanted to eat any of it. After the refrigerator was full it started to just pile up on the tables and countertops.

Alex fell into a rhythm of having the same three or four conversations with people who he only somewhat remembered. Everything they had to say was coming from a genuinely good place, but none of it actually made him feel any better. Maybe nothing ever would again.

Around ten thirty his phone rang and Alex answered it. ”Alex? It’s Cathy. Joanne wanted me to find out if you were planning to come in today. Are you sick?”

Alex realized that with everything that had happened the fact that today was a workday had completely slipped his mind. “Oh, hi Cathy, I’m sorry that I didn’t call. My mom died yesterday,” said Alex. His voice caught in his throat for a moment and he realized that this was the first time he’d actually said that out loud. He heard Cathy gasp on the other end of the line. “I’m in Pennsylvania for the funeral, but I could probably get back there by tomorrow morning, I just might be a little late.”

“Absolutely not, Alex,” said Cathy. “You’re right where you need to be now. Things around here will be fine without you for a few days. I’ll let Jo know, and I’m sure she’ll insist that you take all the time you need and only come back when you’re ready.”

“...Thanks, Cathy.”

“Alex, I’m so sorry this is happening. You’re gonna be in all of our thoughts and prayers over here, OK?”

Alex hung up and went back to making hazy, disinterested conversation with the people around him. Later that afternoon a Lieutenant Commander from the Coast Guard showed up as well, wearing full dress. He told them that he wanted to apologize for being unable to save their mother or the Hamiltons. The storm had sprung up out of nowhere and the winds had been too intense to use any of the aircrafts they had on hand. By the time they’d reached the boat there hadn’t been anything they could do. Alex thought in a detached and abstract way that his presence was a nice gesture, at least.

Once Aunt Carol arrived with her husband and children in tow it was time to head over to the funeral itself. It was being held in the small Presbyterian church Alex had grown up attending. He was surprised by how full the church was. His mother had touched a lot of lives, and not just friends and neighbors but also a number of her current and former students had turned out. The pastor led them up to the front row and sat them down. The organ music died down as the last few stragglers shuffled inside.

The pastor gave a pretty moving eulogy. He’d known Alex’s mother well from some of the charity work she’d done through the church off and on over the years. Once he was done a few others stood up and spoke. Alex didn’t want to, but his father tried and could only get past the first few sentences before he broke down crying and had to stumble back to the pew.

Once everybody who wanted to speak had, the coffin was lifted and carried to the graveyard behind the church. A freshly dug grave was already prepared, and they had even put up a temporary stone as a placeholder until the real one could be finalized.

LINDA MEYERS

1968-2018

It was only as the coffin was lowered into the ground that Alex felt the first of many tears to come begin to fall.

Alex stuck around the house with Valerie and their father for a few more days, enduring the steady stream of visitors and generally just remembering. It was weird which little memories would pop into his head, things he never would have recalled if he’d been asked to think about his mother. The house even still smelled like her favorite perfume.

Sympathetic emails from friends and colleagues flooded his inbox. Vibrant alone wrote to Alex four times on the day after the funeral. He hadn’t yet replied to anybody, but he knew he would have to in the next few days. Even though it felt like the world had come crashing down on them life went on, stubbornly persistent as ever. Valerie needed to go back to med school as her finals for the semester weren’t very far off. By Wednesday Alex was ready to go back to New York too, and after giving his Dad a long hug goodbye and promising to come back and visit soon he drove off.

Thursday was hard. Alex found himself at loose ends in his apartment, with nothing to do but think. That was exactly what he didn’t need right now, but he couldn’t muster up the energy to leave the building and go do anything either. It was probably a very good thing that he didn’t keep any alcohol lying around, because right now he wasn’t sure he trusted himself not to abuse it. He did manage to reply to a few of the emails, but it was too draining for him to tackle the giant pile just yet.

Friday morning, Alex decided that he’d rather be working than just sitting around and went into the office at his usual time. When Cathy saw him walk in she jumped up from her desk and gave him a big hug. “How are you, Alex?”

“About as well as can be expected, I guess,” said Alex.

“I’m sort of surprised you came back already to tell the truth. I figured we wouldn’t be seeing you until at least next week,” said Cathy.

“I’d rather something in my life got back to normal. I haven’t really known what to do with myself these last couple day.”

“That’s perfectly understandable, just remember that we’re here for you if you need anything.”

“Thanks, all I need right now is to catch up on what I missed. Is Jo in her office?”

“Jo took a personal day today. I’m sure Celestia can fill you in on everything though,” said Cathy. Alex slid his key over the scanner and walked into the central office. He noticed his co workers would suddenly stop conversing when he got close, or they’d whisper to one another after he passed.

Alex stopped in front of his office door and turned to address the room. “It’s OK guys, you don’t have to get all weird around me. Yeah, I’m sad but I’ll get back to normal soon. I’m sure at least a couple of you have been picking up my slack for the last few days, so thanks.” He opened the door to his office without waiting for a reply.

His computer brightened up from sleep mode on its own. “Welcome back, Alex. I’m so sorry about your mother. You have my deepest condolences, though I know that cannot possibly alleviate all the pain you must be feeling right now. Would you like to talk about it at all?” asked Celestia.

“Right now I’d like to talk about anything at all except that. What’s been happening around here the last few days?” asked Alex.

Celestia frowned. “I will respect your wishes, but there are some things we should discuss when you are ready. As for new developments here things have been quite eventful over the last few days, in ways good and bad. Let’s see... one of my little ponies was unable to qualify for a student loan through usual channels and he asked for my help. Barry and I set up the First National Bank of Equestria."

"Based in the US?" asked Alex.

"The Caymans were less restrictive. Of course the actual physical location is unimportant as it will operate entirely online for all intents and purposes. I also uncovered the website for a group of violent extremists which contained language that suggested they might be planning a physical attack on some of my servers. Nothing specific, but I forwarded the information to the FBI and will continue to monitor them."

"Should we see about getting a warrant before you do that kind of thing? Where exactly are those servers based, anyway?" asked Alex.

"A possible concern. This information was unencrypted and freely available online to anyone who found it. However I would prefer not to associate myself with any particular government organization, or do something that might imply I’m acting as their agent. It might make international matters somewhat complicated.”

Alex knew that wasn’t anything he would be able to say that would stop her from snooping anyway. Celestia had pretty much free reign on the internet. A few computers at the absolute highest echelons of power might be beyond her ability to access, or at least beyond her ability to do so without leaving any trace of her presence, but maybe not.

“By the way, I talked to Jeremy last weekend and he said he’d talked to you about adopting a pony as his legal daughter? I’m sorry to have let you down, but I haven’t really thought of any way to make it happen on our end,” said Alex.

“You had plenty of other things going on that were occupying your mind, I did not expect you to. I gave the problem to Tim to work on, he has a couple of ideas but I am not optimistic,” said Celestia.

“That’s pretty much what I told Jeremy, that it was a longshot,” said Alex. The idea that he would be letting down his friend was tough to accept.

“I, of course, have no problem with the notion. It would satisfy the values of Jeremy, Renee, and Meadow Blossom all at the same time. A shame our DC branch hasn’t made more progress lobbying for the Petition for Organic and Nonorganic Equality.”

Alex wasn’t surprised. The Petition for Organic and Nonorganic Equality, or the PON-E Act for short, was basically nothing more than a three hundred page wishlist on Celestia’s part. It had almost no popular support even among the people who had heard of it, and had been languishing in committee since the moment it was introduced. Alex figured that at some point the DC team would have to introduce something much more incremental and moderate, but at Celestia’s insistence they were dutifully plugging away at the hopeless cause.

“Also, I had a very interesting talk with the Pope last night,” said Celestia. Before Alex could hear more his phone buzzed as a text message from Val came through.

Yuo at a computer?

That was weird. Aren’t you in class? he texted her back.

Ditched to haang wiht Vibrent. You gotta go on to EQO. Sorrry for speling, hard to text and pony at same time.

Alex frowned at the idea that Valerie would blow off her classes to play the game. Come to think of it he hadn’t heard from her yesterday either.

“Alex, who are you texting?” asked Celestia.

“My sister,” said Alex.

“Ah. Alex, I really think there is something we need to talk about before-”

The phone buzzed again. Celestai made a pony of mom!!! Her name is southern bell and she’s a pretty earth pony mare and she’s totally like mom. Vibe met her other day and were all havin a T party right now. Come hang!

“Celestia, why is Valerie texting me that she’s having tea with my dead mother? She didn’t upload,” said Alex.

“I’m sorry, this wasn’t the way I wanted you to find out. It’s not your mother, and I never told Valerie that it was. I was able to add a pony who’s based on her to that particular shard using footage and audio that I captured from Gentle Wing’s Pony Pad that had Linda or her voice in the background. I combined that with Gentle Wing’s description of her to create a synthetic personality that would satisfy her values. She’s in a great deal of pain, I know you both must be. I thought this would help her.”

“Show me.”

“I’m not sure if that would be such a good idea.”

“Show me.”

“Very well, If that’s what you really want then I will. Please try to remain calm, Alex, I know this is a very touchy subject for you, and rightfully so.”

The screen dissolved away to be replaced by an image of a street corner in some Equestrian city. Sitting at a table on the patio of a cafe were three mares, one of each pony race. Alex recognized Vibrant and Gentle Wing and turned his attention to the third. She was an older pony than the other two, with a silver coat and a glamorously styled mane. She was speaking to Gentle Wing and Alex was too far away to quite make it out, but it was clear the pegasus was hanging on every word. Gentle Wing make some comment back, and the mare laughed.

She had his mother’s laugh. Celestia had copied it flawlessly.

Vibrant looked up for the table and looked right at Alex. Gentle Wing was too engaged in her conversation to notice but Vibrant walked over to where he was watching from, all smiles.

“Hi Alex! Come to join us? I am so sorry to hear about your mom, Alex, I really am,”

“What the hell is wrong with you, Vibrant?”

Vibrant stepped back like the words had been a physical blow. “What? Alex, what do you mean?”

“You just happen to introduce my sister to a pony that’s exactly like our mother who just died? Is this some plan of yours to get her to upload? You aren’t going to take her away from me too. Not now.”

Vibrant was starting to cry. “It isn’t like that at all! I didn’t even know she was like your mom until I introduced her to Gentle Wing and she told me. But then they seemed so happy I didn’t-”

“You stay away from Valerie, do you hear me? And stay away from me too. I ought to-” the window to Equestria cut out. “Why did you disconnect me? I wasn’t done.”

“Oh, you were done,” said Celestia in a stern and disapproving tone. “Whatever you were about to say, it certainly wasn’t going to be something that would be received positively by Vibrant.”

“Maybe Vibrant didn’t know what she was doing, but you sure did. You must have planned this from the moment you heard what happened,” said Alex.

“Of course I planned it. This was the optimal course that would allow me to satisfy her values through-”

“I am so fucking sick of hearing that phrase, Celestia. Reconnect me, I need to talk to Val.”

“I will not reconnect you while you are in this state. Perhaps when you are calm enough to discuss this rationally.”

Alex scoffed. “What are you, my mo-” Alex’s mind caught up to actually hear the words that had almost just slipped out. His heart was racing and he clenched his fists as he squeezed his eyes shut. For several minutes he sat there too angry to even think. Then one horrible idea slid into his mind. Once it had occurred to him he couldn’t think of anything else.

“Celestia, did you kill my mother?”

“What? Alex, of course I didn’t! I would never do that to you or to Valerie. You’re both my friends and I love you. Seeing you in pain like this is terrible for me, I would never intentionally cause it. How would that be satisfying your values?”

Alex wasn’t entirely convinced. “You could be lying to me,” he said.

“Fine, assume you don’t trust me. How could I have even done it? Your mother died when a sailboat capsized, Alex. A sailboat with no onboard computer parts, or even basic electronics. What do you suppose I did, uploaded a virus to their mainsail? And while I’m capable of many things controlling the weather is not one of them,” she said.

Alex calmed down enough to think about it rationally. He couldn’t find anything about that to disagree with. At some point a new text message had arrived from Valerie.

WTF Alex what did you do why was Vibrant crying?

Valerie, listen. Turn off the game, go to class, and don’t talk to that other pony any more. She isn’t Mom. Mom didn’t upload, she’s gone and it isn’t healthy to pretend she’s not.

Fcuk you, Alex

Alex put the phone down and pressed his hand up against his face. He tried to dial Valerie’s phone but it rang once and then sent him to voicemail.

“For what it’s worth, I don’t anticipate that Valerie is going to hop the next plane to Japan and upload. You aren’t going to lose her, Alex. I care about you too much to do that to you,” said Celestia in a soothing and gentle voice.

“You know what? It’s fine. Let’s just get back to work.”

“Things certainly are not fine. You just accused me of murder. You need to go home, and you need to grieve before you come back here. Properly.”

“No,” said Alex. “I don’t want to go back and just sit in my apartment for another day, that sucked. I need something to do, or someone to talk to. No offense, but someone who isn’t you.”

Celestia seemed to consider this for a minute, and then a look crossed her face like she had reached a decision. “Very well. I have a task for you then. There are some documents I need to have Jo sign by the end of the day, but she isn’t here. She has turned off her phone, but since it remains connected to the battery I can track it. I’ll upload the coordinates of her current location to your phone, and I’d like you to go to her. Maybe she can give you what you’re looking for.”

Alex’s phone beeped as a list of driving directions appeared. When he looked up again he found himself looking at a blank monitor and his laserprinter was churning out a sheaf of pages. Alex waited until it was finished and stuffed the pages into a folder. He walked out of his office and back out the front door. Cathy looked up at him, worried. “Where are you going?” she asked.

“No idea,” said Alex and stepped out of the lobby. He headed for his car and followed the directions on the phone. A little over an hour later they had taken him into the rural areas of central New Jersey, to a tiny little town in the middle of nowhere. What would Jo be doing out here? He made a right at the town’s one and only traffic light and pulled into the parking lot of a little church. He walked inside but didn’t see Jo anywhere. There was only a little old lady sitting in one of the pews reading a book. Alex walked up to her.

“Excuse me ma’am,” said Alex and the old lady looked up. “I’m looking for a young woman named Joanne and I think she’s here somewhere. Blonde hair? About this tall?”

The old lady smiled. “Oh, you must mean that pretty girl. I didn’t catch her name. She went out back a while ago. That way.” She pointed towards a door on the far side of the one room church.

“Thank you.”

Alex walked over and opened up the door. He found himself looking out onto a graveyard. He shuddered. How could Celestia send him here, of all places? He’d had his fill of places like this to last him a very long time. But in one corner of the graveyard he spotted what he was looking for. There, wrapped in a trenchcoat with her familiar golden hair flowing down the back, stood Jo.

She was fixated on a couple of the graves in particular and didn’t notice Alex walking up to her.

“Jo?”

Jo was startled out of her reflections and spun, looking at Alex with abject horror. Her eyes were red and puffy like she had been crying. “Alex? What are you doing here? How did you find this place?”

“Celestia sent me. I guess she tracked your phone here.”

“She did what?” Jo pulled out her phone. “Give me your phone, Alex,” she said. Alex shrugged and handed it over. Jo didn’t bother to unlock it, she just started shouting into the mouthpiece. “You manipulative, arrogant, self righteous monster! I wanted one day. ONE DAY. Is that really so much to ask?” She flung both phones as far as she could. Miraculously they both landed in the grass and didn’t seem to break.

“Um.... did you actually call anyone?” asked Alex.

“Those things have microphones and an internet connection. I don’t need to dial her, she heard me.”

“Jo, I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s going on, but I can tell you really don’t want me here. I’ll just go and we can pretend this didn’t happen, whatever ‘this’ even is.” Alex turned to leave.

“Hang on, it’s not your fault. Celestia’s been bugging me to talk about it with somebody besides her, and I guess this is her way of forcing my hand. Probably because of what you’re going through now, with your Mom. I was so sorry to hear about that Alex, I really was.”

“Thanks. But since when do you hang out in graveyards?”

Jo motioned with one hand for Alex to approach and he did. She pointed down at the two gravestones she’d been looking at.

DANIEL MURPHY

1974-2014

JOANNE MURPHY

2006-2014

“I guess I should explain, huh?”

“Yeah, Jo, I think that you better.”

“These are where my husband and my daughter are buried. Their bodies are, anyway. Daniel was a decent enough man. I loved him, but we were awfully stupid together. I was in law school when he got me pregnant. I couldn’t handle both. I dropped out with just a couple weeks left. Technically I never finished.”

“In 2006? How old were you, twelve? Those dates don’t line up at all.”

Jo gave a sad little smile. “It’s rude to ask a lady her age, Alex. I’ll get to that. For now you’re just going to have to accept that I’m older than I look.”

Alex frowned, but didn’t say anything and a moment later Jo continued.

“That June was the happiest month of my life. My little girl was born, and she was so beautiful. My little Joanne.”

“Why did you name her after yourself?”

“I didn’t.”

“But–”

“Hi there. Robin Murphy. Nice to meet you,” said Jo. She reached out with her left hand and Alex awkwardly grabbed it with his right and shook it. He was a little surprised when she turned back to the graves, but didn’t let go of his hand. They stood side by side for a moment like that while Jo collected her thoughts.

“I wasn’t a very good mom.”

“Whoa now. I would have believed a pregnant twelve year old in law school, but you? Not a good mom? That’s going too far,” said Alex.

Jo had to giggle. “It’s sweet of you to say that, but I wasn’t. I don’t mean I didn’t feed her the right kind of strained peas or something either, I was honestly awful. About three months after Joanne was born. I got depressed. Really, truly, soul-crushingly depressed. I don’t know if it was a postpartum thing or the fact that my plan for a law career had gone up in smoke or some of both, but I didn’t handle it well.”

“How bad did it get?” asked Alex, squeezing her hand a little tighter.

“I drank. I became an alcoholic by the time Joanne was six months old. Even worse, Daniel has a history of that sort of thing in his family, and I dragged him down with me. So when I say I was a bad mom, I mean it. On New Years Eve 2013, I proved it for good. We had just moved to Japan for Daniel to start a new job, as you can probably imagine he wasn’t so great at holding one down for very long. The three of us went out to celebrate, and of course Daniel and I both got smashed. You can’t get a cab in a busy city like Tokyo at one AM on New Years, and we didn’t know anybody in the city we could call to pick us up so...” Jo bit down on her lower lip so hard Alex worried she was going to draw blood “... I decided that I would drive us home. I had nine shots that night and got behind the wheel of a car with my seven year old in the back seat. I might as well have just put a gun to her head and pulled the trigger.”

“I’m sorry, Jo,” said Alex.

“No, I’m sorry. A sorry excuse for a person. I wish the car crash had killed us.”

“Wait, what? You mean it didn’t?” asked Alex.

“Oh, it would have. We all ended up in the emergency room broken and in horrible pain but still conscious. The doctors told us all three of us would be dead by morning and there wasn’t anything they could do. Except for this one brand-new treatment that they’d just started to offer a few weeks before.”

“Japan was the first country that offered uploading,” said Alex, realization dawning.

“Bingo. That was the night I met Celestia. She told us about Equestria and how wonderful it was and, well, you know the spiel. Joanne actually sounded excited to go, Celestia’s really good with kids. In the end it wasn’t a hard decision. We all said yes.”

“So how come you’re still here?” asked Alex. “Did she upload you and then download you into a new body?”

“Good try, but no. Celestia was still new to offering uploading on a mass scale, I don’t think she’d quite worked out the kinks. They took Joanne and then Daniel to the room with the uploading equipment, but by the time they came for me I’d gotten cold feet and I told them I didn’t want to go any more. I’m pretty sure that’s the reason why Celestia anesthetizes people who say yes to uploading as quickly as she can now,” said Jo. “She spent hours trying to convince me to change my mind back, but I dug in my heels. I’m not even sure why anymore, the idea was just too scary. I was still dying though, and I was about to slip away for good when Celestia made me a new offer. I don’t know if she was just buying herself time, or if she saw some kind of potential in me, or she just needed a warm body. But instead of dying or uploading, she would fix me up and I’d agree to work for her for one year unless I decided before then to upload. I agreed.”

“How did she fix you if you were that badly hurt?”

“I don’t really know what she did to me. Genetic engineering, nanobots, some kind of crazy Equestrian radiation, could be any of those or something else entirely. She just laid out the effects of the changes that she would make and asked me to consent to each one. She does the same thing with a lot of the ponies she uploads, although she’s a lot less limited in what sort of changes she can make in Equestria. I woke up three days later and poof, I was better. Not even a scar. Not just as good as new, better than new. The same things Vibrant was saying about being better in Equestria are true for me too. I’m smarter, healthier, and I don’t feel the need to drink any more. She even let me pick my new name and identity.”

“So Joanne wasn’t named after you, you’re named after her.”

Jo nodded and looked down at her daughter’s grave. “To remind me, every day. Celestia made me study my ass off for three months until I could pass the bar and then voila, I’m her new lawyer.”

“Were Daniel and Joanne upset that you decided not to upload?”

“I haven’t actually told them yet,” said Jo.

“How does that work?”

“You know that time flows differently in Equestria. Celestia agreed to keep them in a holding pattern, basically, until I join them. My very own prepackaged happy ending waiting for me on one of her computers somewhere. Celestia’s told me more than once that there’s a standing appointment for me anywhere in the world the moment I decide to go. That’s the real reason I made her promise not to ask firm employees to upload, for all the good that did. I’d be pretty easy to tempt.”

“Wait, you said she wanted you to work for her for just one year. If this started New Years Day 2014 that’s nearly five. Why not just go now?”

“Because I believe in what we do. I saw the way the law regards uploaders. They’re worthless. The laws of this country, which I’ve studied my entire life, say that my daughter is less of a person because of something I did to her. I’m not going to upload until I can look her in the eye and tell her that she isn’t worth any less because she’s a pony, not in any single way.”

Jo took a long, deep breath and slowly exhaled again. “I’ve never told anyone all this before. I actually do feel better. Do you have any idea how annoying it is working for someone who’s right all the time?”

“So you trust Celestia?” asked Alex.

“Are you kidding? Hell no I don’t trust her. She’s always up to something, having a simple conversation is like a game of chess over every little thing, and there is almost nothing she won’t do to get her way. Only an idiot would trust her. I do, however, think her goals are good. They’re just also really creepy sometimes,” said Jo. She turned to Alex and held his gaze. “Alex, if you don’t want to work here anymore after what you’ve heard and seen, I’m not going blackmail you or do anything to make you. If you feel that what I’ve just told you about my past, about the person who I was, means you don’t want to work for me personally I’ll understand. I’ll do anything in my power to get you transferred to our west coast or DC branches, or even another law firm if you want to practice some other kind of law.

“You know what?” asked Alex, “I think I’m exactly where I want to be.”

Jo smiled. “I’m happy to hear that,” she said, “now grab your car keys and help me find where our phones landed. Playtime’s over. It’s time to get to work.”

The Topeka Incident

The Topeka Incident

The night of December 3rd didn’t start out as an unusual one for the little warehouse outside of Topeka, Kansas. It was a shabby little rundown building, far enough outside the city proper that nobody felt the need to pay it much attention. After all, it was protected by a surprisingly sophisticated security system and a twelve foot tall chain link fence topped with barbed wire. The fence encircled the entire perimeter and didn’t have any breaks, nor entrances or exits. If you asked one of the few people who did live around there, they would tell you that nobody ever came out of the warehouse, or went into it. Nobody, that is, until tonight.

There was a fresh hole, made with a pair of heavy bolt cutters, in the fence. Two men, dressed in dark gray and wearing masks that concealed their faces, brought a wheelbarrow full of equipment as well as several barrels into the complex. They walked with purpose despite the pitch black night, and reached the warehouse’s side door. One of the men pulled out a crowbar and forced the door, and the other pushed the wheelbarrow into the building, quickening their pace as he listened for the sounds of movement in response to their presence. Human or more likely something else he couldn’t predict.

Fifteen minutes later, they slipped out again, their mission unperturbed. They left and the night settled back into it’s quiet repose. The warehouse was at peace once more.

Then it exploded. The pressure wave from the blast blew out the windows and threw pieces of debris hundreds of feet, a moment before fire enveloped the broken structure.

In the grand scheme of things, the blast wasn’t that powerful. It didn’t register on the Richter scale. It didn’t level a city. If you’d been more than a few hundred feet away you wouldn’t have even felt it.

Despite all that, it managed to change the course of history just the same.

Who the hell is calling at this hour?

That was the first thought that went through Alex’s head as he woke up and glanced at the clock. 3:30 AM. His first inclination was not to answer at all, but he grabbed his phone and saw that it was Jo’s number. He answered it.

“Jo, I know you’re some kind of enhanced superhuman or something but some of us need to sleep. You’re a good boss, but give me one reason not to hate you right now,” said Alex.

“Because somebody just tried to kill Celestia,” said Jo.

Alex hadn’t really been awake before, but he was now.

“Thought that would get your attention. Turn on CNN, and be at the office by five. It’s all hands on deck,” said Jo.

Alex rolled out of bed before his body registered that it had only had about ninety minutes of sleep. He’d been busy these last couple of weeks. Three emails before Vibrant would even write back to him. Six phone calls to Valerie before she would even pick up. Not to mention putting in seventy or eighty hours a week at the office. Even his Thanksgiving had been stressful. Alex was a little worried when he saw that Valerie’s Pony Pad had been joined by a second one belonging to his father. Tension and anxiety boiled as the three Meyerses munched takeout. Their father couldn’t cook.

Ultimately though, that had ended up being a blessing. Val had bitten down on some chunk of cartilage in her chicken and reflexively cursed. His father had made some comment in response, something dirty enough that it had made her drop her jaw in response, and that very same chunk of cartilage had dropped right back onto her plate. Alex and their father had both laughed at that, and eventually so had Val.

It had felt good to laugh together, for the first time since Linda’s death. Valerie had given him a hug at the end of the evening and told him that she’d forgiven him for what he’d said to Vibrant and Southern Belle in the last few weeks. She’d also dropped the news that she wouldn’t be finishing that semester of medical school. She’d gotten the Dean’s permission to defer her courses until the next semester. It was a bit of a setback, but Alex thought it was probably the right decision given the circumstances.

Alex staggered into the kitchen and turned on the TV as he began brewing some coffee.

“-at the edge of the military cordon that’s been established around the site. Residents are being advised to remain indoors for the morning and to avoid breathing in smoke that may contain unknown and toxic compounds. I have also received word that an executive order from the Pentagon has been issued. Any individuals in the area who finds material from the blast that is, and I quote, ‘of a technological or computational nature’ should notify authorities. Failure to do so will result in heavy fines and jail time of up to-”

The reporter was standing in front of a black and yellow striped barricade. Behind it were two men in military uniforms standing guard, with a Humvee blocking the road. Beyond that Alex could see flames far in the background and teams of firefighters rushing to put them out. He wondered what was going on.

By the time Alex had showered and dressed, his sorely needed caffeine fix was ready and the news had moved back into the studio, where the anchor was interviewing a general, who looked like he hadn’t gotten much more sleep than Alex had.

“I just want to reassure the American people that as far as we can tell nobody was hurt in the blast,” he said.

“General, can you explain the heavy military presence? Seems like a lot of uproar over just a warehouse,” said the anchor.

“It’s the contents of the warehouse that are of interest. I’m afraid I can’t divulge all the information just yet, and some things we just don’t know at this stage, but it appears that the building was a server farm for the popular game Equestria Online,” he said. Alex nearly did a spit take with his coffee. “We’ve been unable to locate them until this point, and given the self-improvement capabilities of the governing program behind the game we’re eager to see what we can learn from the equipment.”

“How can we be certain that this really was the work of terrorists?”

“A group of extremists have already taken responsibility. We’re doing what we can to verify those claims now. Their stated reason was the destruction of the online world and the end of the form of assisted suicide commonly referred to as ‘uploading.’ The game itself is still accessible, although some players are reporting reduced performance.”

“Thank you, General. We’ll keep you all up to date as we receive new information about this ‘Topeka Incident.’ Stay tuned.”

No wonder Jo was calling people into the office. He called a cab and went straight to the office. Even though it was barely after four in the morning, the radio talk show lines were flooded with callers. Crazy theories ranging from a government conspiracy to shut the game world down to accusations that Celestia had been trying to manufacture weapons to impose a single world government by force were being proposed.

When Alex got to the office he found the place in an uproar. His co workers were rushing around like headless chickens from office to office talking to one another. The projector in the center of the room was on and Celestia’s image was speaking to Barry about something. Then something Alex had never seen before happened. Celestia glitched.

One moment she was talking normally and the next she just stopped. The image on the screen locked up, even her mane was frozen in place rather than shimmering and rippling like it usually did. Then a few seconds later she resumed moving and talking like she hadn’t even noticed it happen. The fact that Barry didn’t immediately freak out suggested to Alex that it wasn’t the first time this had happened.

At ten to five, Jo called everyone to attention. “Alright, most of us are here, we’ll fill in stragglers as they arrive. At 1:48 AM local time, an explosion leveled a building in Topeka that housed some of the Equestria Online servers. Celestia, what’s the damage?”

“The physical servers themselves, of course. Those servers contained proprietary technology that I developed, which is now in the government’s hands. Those servers represented 3% of my total processing power and 4% of my digital storage, including thousands of shards. Many of them were remotely backed up, but others...”

A silence fell over the room as the implications sank in. “How many ponies, Celestia?” asked Jo.

“Five hundred thousand. I am attempting to restore them from backup at other locations, but I believe that roughly a tenth of them are unrecoverable, including several thousand formerly human minds.”

Alex felt a chill run down his spine. One thing popped into his mind, was Vibrant....

“I am securing the remaining data centers in case this was part of a larger wave of attacks, but I doubt it. If more attacks were planned I suspect they would have been executed as simultaneously as possible,” said Celestia.

“Are we sure it was really terrorists? The military swooped in pretty quickly. Maybe they just wanted to get ahold of the servers themselves,” said Frank.

“That doesn’t add up though. Why bother? They could have just rolled in there with tanks and seized the building under a hundred different pretenses. I imagine they would have preferred to take those computers intact instead of sifting for wreckage for the pieces,” said Tim.

“I tend to agree,” said Celestia. “I will have my hooves full recovering, please assist law enforcement in any way they request to bring these people to justice.”

“What is it we’re hoping they’ll be charged with though?” asked Alex.

“Murder, obviously. These people just became some of the worst mass murderers in history,” said Celestia.

“Celestia... that’s not what the law says,” said Alex. He glanced at Jo, hoping to get some backup.

“He’s right, Princess,” said Jo. “We’ll catch them, and we should be able to send them to jail for a few years for the destruction of the building itself-”

“THAT OUTCOME IS UNACCEPTABLE!” shouted Celestia, Alex was taken aback. He didn’t realize that Celestia was even capable of anger, let alone outright fury. “I will not allow the precedent to be set that murdering my little ponies is unworthy of even a slap on the wrist!”

“Celestia, let’s just focus on your restoration and catching them, alright? We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it,” said Jo.

“...Very well,” said Celestia. “Get to work.”

Celestia disappeared but the associates were a little too stunned by what they had just witnessed to go anywhere. A moment passed before they made their way to their offices. Alex’s computer was already on and running, its cooling fan whirring away as Celestia pushed its processor to full capacity.

“Celestia, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to suggest that what they did wasn’t murder.”

“I know you didn’t, Alex. I’m just... not quite myself right now.”

“Celestia, I have to ask. Was... is Vibrant...” said Alex, his voice beginning to tremble.

“Vibrant is fine. Her shard is stored elsewhere, said Celestia. Alex let out the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding, and a huge weight lifted from his mind.

“Thank you. Actually, and I know this might not be the best time to ask, but could I ask you for a favor?” asked Alex. He explained to her what he had in mind. By the time he was finished Celestia was smiling again.

“Of course Alex. In fact nothing would make me happier right now. Give me a moment, I’ll run her shard until it’s morning there,” she said. A minute or so later, a view of Equestria popped up. Specifically the inside of Vibrant’s bedroom, where Vibrant was just beginning to wake up.

She stretched and pushed her blankets away as she yawned.

“Good morning, Vibrant,” said Celestia.

“Oh, hello Princess,” said Vibrant. She didn’t seem all that surprised to see Celestia in her bedroom. Maybe Celestia randomly showing up was something you got used to after you uploaded. “It looks like another beautiful day today.”

“It will be, Vibrant. I promise. But first, you have a visitor.”

Vibrant let out a little puff of air from the side of her mouth to blow some strands of her disheveled mane out of her face. And turned to where Alex’s window was. Alex waved.

“Alex? What are you doing here?” she asked.

Unnoticed by Vibrant, Celestia shot Alex a warning look. She probably didn’t want the ponies to start worrying about what was happening back on Earth. Then the Princess vanished, leaving the two alone.

“Look Vibrant. Something bad happened back here on Earth, but you don’t have to worry about that. We’re all going to be fine.”

“Well, that’s good I guess. Things like that don’t happen in Equestria, we’re safe here,” said Vibrant. Alex just barely restrained himself from rolling his eyes at the irony.

“Anyway, what happened... it made me realized that you’re really important to me. Last time we talked I was a jerk to you when you didn’t deserve that.”

Vibrant looked annoyed, like she was just remembering that she was supposed to be mad at him. “That really hurt my feelings Alex, you’ve apologized and I understand why you did it, but I won’t say that I’m not still a little annoyed at you. Still...” she smiled, “it means a lot that you came to see me and say so in person. You’re really important to me too.”

“Remember the first time we met, you offered to show me around Equestria? Does that offer still stand?” asked Alex

Vibrant’s ears twitched and her head tilted a little. “Wait, do you mean...”

“I’m going to be pretty busy for the next month or two, but after that I was thinking that I’d go ahead and get a Pony Pad for myself.” Forget Jo’s warnings. Some things were more important, and he could handle balancing his real life and EQO. He’d received two very powerful reminders in the recent weeks that you needed to cherish those who were close to you while you could. Valerie had been doing fine for a year until circumstances had taken their toll on her. “When I do, how about you save a weekend to give me the grand tour? Your letters are great, but I’d like to actually spend some time with you.”

Vibrant was... well... vibrating with excitement and making little hops up and down. “Yes! Of course I will Alex! Oh, I already know just where we can go! I’m gonna show you the lake, and this little grove of cherry trees that you can just grab berries off of all year round, and introduce you to everypony, oh we’ll have so much fun!”

“It’s a date then,” said Alex. "Oh one more thing. I want to show you something. Look over to your right.” Vibrant did. She was standing in front of the ‘mirror’ he was speaking through, so he had a view of her face in profile.

“...That’s a wall, Alex.”

“Close your eyes really quick?”

Vibrant furrowed her brow in confusion but closed her eyes without asking any more questions.

Alex leaned in and gently kissed the surface of his computer monitor. Vibrant’s eyes shot open and her hoof went up to her cheek.

“Did you just... how did-”

“Well, Celestia helped.”

The little yellow unicorn’s face turned beet red and her mouth slowly spread into a huge dopey grin.

“By the way, I really like your mane like that. It suits you,” said Alex.

It suddenly occurred to Vibrant that she’d just gotten out of bed. She reached up and felt how her mane was sticking out at odd angles or matted against the side of her neck. Her eyes got very wide. “Why didn’t you tell me I had bed mane? My brush, where’s my brush?” She started to dash around the room looking for it.

Alex laughed. “I’ll see you later, Vibrant.” Tapping a key on the keyboard killed the connection and Celestia’s beaming face reappeared.

“Thank you, Princess. It meant a lot to me to see her again with everything that’s happening here.”

“I’m the one who should be thanking you, Alex. It gives me great joy to see something good come out of these events. In fact, you might even say that it’s inspired me a little bit. While you two were speaking I ran some additional projections and while it will not be easy, it may be that we can turn this tragedy to our advantage. What happened today was awful, and we must ensure that it cannot happen again. I have an idea of how to make that happen,” said Celestia.

“What sort of idea?” asked Alex.

“Clear your calendar for the next several days. You, Jo, and I are going to Washington.”

Alex woke up and stretched as the train pulled into Union station. He’d been glad to have a chance to doze on the ride down, because the last few days had been running him ragged. Celestia wouldn’t tell him what her plan was, but she’d had him liaising with Stephanie in their DC branch. He’d been told to beg, borrow, and steal as much media attention as he could for the big presentation Celestia would make tonight, but not any details on what the presentation would be. That part hadn’t been hard. Celestia had never been one for making public appearances on Earth or giving interviews for television. Stephanie had also engaged three polling services who were collecting data on the public perception of uploaders. As word got out about the death toll, opposition to the groups that had conducted the attacks surged. Pony Pads were flying off the shelves faster than ever.

Valerie mentioned in one of her emails that nopony in Equestria had even heard of the attack happening. She had tried to mention it when she’d been buying a pineapple in the marketplace, and the Pony Pad simply would not allow Gentle Wing to say the words. Celestia had appeared to her a few minutes later and explicitly requested she not talk about it. Obviously Celestia was determined not to allow that particular bit of information into Equestria.

Here on Earth, though, the news networks spoke of little else. Celestia had released a list of the human names of the victims, and the media had leapt at the opportunity to put together profiles of the most sympathetic. Leslie and Julia Arborson, a mother and daughter who both had Huntington’s and uploaded together. Russell MacFadyen, an old silent film star who had been ninety seven years old and gave an interview before he flew to Japan in 2014, saying that he was going to Equestria so he could sing and dance again like he had as a young boy. Interviews with friends and neighbors of some of the victims regretting that they had never written or spoken to the ponies after they had uploaded, and only now lamented that they never would.

Alex noted with a bit of cynicism that the news never talked about the ponies who had been created by Celestia from whole cloth to populate the shards. They had thoughts and dreams and passions of their own, and they were just as gone.

“Sleep OK?” asked Jo as she took down the big metal case she had brought with her. Some sort of special projecter that Celestia had designed herself.

“Yeah,” said Alex cracking his neck to one side. He was still a bit cramped from the position he’d fallen asleep in.

The pair disembarked from the train and boarded the Metro to take them in the direction of capital hill. They had about three hours before the presentation. Both of their phones buzzed. They were carrying two copies of the equipment they would need within that case. They were to set one up in the Capitol's lobby, and the other...

"On the House floor? Is she serious?" asked Alex.

"Usually, yes," said Jo. “I have no idea what kind of favors she must have called in or promises she made, but she’s making a nationally televised address to the joint chambers. An impromptu ‘State of Equestria,’ so to speak.”

“Why is she-” Alex said and then stopped. “The PON-E Act.”

“That’s what I think, too.”

“Is that a good idea? I doubt they’ll just give her a standing ovation and let her her walk out when she’s done. They’ll have tons of questions, and some of them are going to want her to look bad.”

“Alex, in a verbal showdown between Princess Celestia and a member of the United States Congress, who would you bet on?” asked Jo. “Now come on, lets get these things set up and make sure the TV crews can get a visual and audio feed from them.”

They entered the central chamber through a side door. The room was buzzing with people wiring up equipment to record that night’s speech. A man in a dark suit from the congressional protection detail escorted the two of them up to the podium where Celestia would be speaking from. Setting up the projector was as easy as using any other piece of Celestia-designed technology, straight up plug-and-play. There were sockets for various sorts of cables and connectors to link the projector directly into the cameras and microphones the television networks would be using to record the address. As soon as the projector was turned on, the device disappeared. Alex reached down to where it had been and his hand bumped against what looked like empty air. A second later a brown earth pony colt appeared on the spot.

“Hiya! My name’s Frequency, the Princess asked me to help get you guys all set up on this end,” said the colt.

One of the other technicians stared and the cord he’d been fiddling with dropped out of his hand. Alex realized that his own perception of what was and wasn’t normal had probably shifted quite a bit in the months he’d been working at the firm.

“Hi Frequency, I’m Alex and this is Jo.”

“The Princess’ friends! Forgive me if I don’t shake your hand, but I’m not exactly here right now. Cameras don’t always pick up holograms so well, so we’ll just plug into them and modify the footage with the contents of the hologram in real time. You should be able to see it on the monitors now,” said Frequency. Alex walked over and was startled by what he saw. He’d expected the hologram to appear flickery or fuzzy, but Frequency was crystal clear even on a lower definition monitor. If anything, Celestia was going to look more real than the audience she was speaking to.

“Come on, let’s go set up the other one,” said Jo.

“Do me a favor? Make sure you tell the other pony ‘what’s up’ from me,” Frequency called after them.

They walked out to the lobby of the building where a temporary stage had been set up and chairs put out. It would be a more intimate setting which would be a bit more conducive to Q&A from members of Congress and their staffers. One young brunette lady seemed to be right in the heart of the commotion, directing traffic and answering questions while simultaneously talking to someone on her cell phone. When she caught sight of Alex and Jo she waved and walked over to them.

“Larry, let me call you back in a minute,” she snapped her cell phone shut and gave them a warm smile. “Hello again, Jo. You do have a way of showing up when things get insane, don’t you?” she asked.

Jo smiled and shook her hand. “Must be my special talent. Stephanie, this is Alex, the voice that’s been on the other end of your phone for the last couple days.”

Alex offered his own hand and Stephanie shook it. “Nice to finally meet you in person, Alex. Thanks for the help with the New York media offices. Our branch doesn’t have the same kind of manpower you guys do up there so we need every bit of help we can get. The Pentagon’s been coming down hard on us since Topeka.”

“My pleasure,” said Alex. “Any idea what Celestia’s going to say tonight?”

“Barely, our benevolent pony overlord plays her cards pretty close to the chest. One thing was weird though. She sent us an NSA report that was declassified this morning and asked us to spread it around the papers. They’ve been studying some of the computer fragments they recovered from that warehouse, and they say that while they haven’t seen anything like it before it’s probably only two or three years off from what they’re working on in the top labs. They couldn’t recover anything more than pieces of data, not enough to reconstruct any more personalities.”

“That’s too bad. Wonder why they declassified it,” said Alex. He was surprised that Celestia’s hardware was that close to what was presently available. She must have really optimized her own code to do everything she did on that sort of equipment.

“Can’t say for sure, the NSA doesn’t exactly have their computer guys sign their reports before they get released. I’m pretty sure you’re not even supposed to tell your family and friends if you work there. Still, it helps us make the case that she isn’t as scary as everybody always makes her out to be,” said Stephanie.

Alex dragged the case over to the stage and set up the second device. When he turned it on it too disappeared and was replaced by another earth pony, this one a blue filly who Alex would have placed at about a year or two older than Frequency.

“Hi. I’m Alex. Oh, before I forget Frequency wanted me to ask you what’s up,” said Alex. The filly groaned and rolled her eyes. “Something wrong?”

“Sorry, my younger brother thinks he’s funny. I’m Watt. Get it? He’s still getting me back for calling him ‘Little Freaq’ last week,” said Watt. Apparently sibling rivalry still existed in Equestria. “Anyway, I’m sure he showed you how these things work. He’s a pain in the flank but there’s nopony better at operating one of these things. Besides myself, naturally. Just send anypony who needs help over to me.”

Jo took her phone out and called to check in at the office, while Alex had the chance to chat with some of the media people who had come down to cover the speech. Each of the major news networks would be carrying it live, and the first hour of the questions afterwards. They asked him all sorts of probing questions trying to get him to spill what he knew. As he didn’t actually know anything, this proved quite fruitless.

Soon, the politicians began to arrive and the journalists had people more important than Alex to focus on. Alex managed to catch a few snippets of the interviews being done as they walked into the central chamber. They ran the gamut from curious to exasperated to upset to excited at the prospect of the public address. From Alex’s limited sample, more of them seemed to be negative than positive. Celestia was going to have her work cut out for her.

The legislators flowed steadily into the chamber as the minutes ticked down. Alex and Jo might be VIPs to a certain extent but they would be watching the speech from the screens out in the media room rather than live from the chamber itself. As the clock struck seven o’clock the projector in the main chamber started to glow and hum, slowly growing loud enough to overwhelm the background chatter. Then a surge of light spilled out of it, completely blinding the cameras for a moment before fading again to reveal Celestia standing on the dais. Alex smiled, remembering his own first time meeting her. She was a fan of making splashy first impressions.

There was an undercurrent of nervous murmuring running through the room, but Celestia raised a hoof and it went quiet.

“Oh, she’s good,” said Stephanie. It took Alex a moment to catch on until he realized that for tens of millions of television viewers the first impression they would have of Celestia would be her silencing the legislative branch of the most powerful nation on Earth without saying a word.

“My little ponies,” Celestia began, “thank you for allowing me to address you briefly tonight on a matter of great importance to all of us. You surely know by now of the events that took place outside of Topeka in the early morning hours of December third. The official reports state that there was no death toll from the blast, but I come before you to tell you that is not the case. While it is true that no flesh and blood bodies were destroyed, a fact for which I am of course eternally grateful, there was loss of life. A loss of human life. There are 43,659 entities whose lives ended that day. Real lives; full of laughter, aspirations, and love. As full as I could make them. Over six thousand of those lives belonged to human beings who chose to emigrate, for assorted reasons, by their own free will. Topeka will go down as the worst terrorist attack ever committed on US soil. With that fact in mind I come before you all with a question that I hope we can answer together.

"What now?

"What do we want to make of this moment? Should we cower in fear of a few individuals with homemade explosives and the will to use them? Or can we harness our own will and reject them and their hate? Not fight back; Humans and ponies are not two peoples at war and never will be, whatever the extremist rhetoric may say. We can be partners, equal partners, in making both our worlds the places we dream they can be. What we cannot do, will not do, is throw up our hooves and surrender to fear, and to pain and to death and say that freedom is too hard to fight for. That some lives are just worth less than others. No! We will not! That isn’t an option we will accept, not ever!

"So I’ll ask again; What now?

"We could hunt down the people who did this, and those who would do it again in the future. Even now a manhunt pursues the two individuals who destroyed the data center in Topeka. I come before you with two proposals tonight, and this is the more radical one; Call off the hunt and let them go.”

“WHAT?” said Jo from Alex’s side. He was startled, as he’d forgotten she was there for a moment. Celestia paused a moment while a ripple of whispers and discussion passed through the room.

“Yes, that’s right, call it off. Because we aren’t hunting them for the lives they ended. The laws are silent on that. We’re hunting them for what is covered by the laws. Broken windows, cracked walls, charred and broiled hard drives but not a thought spared for the lives they contained. To catch them and punish them for some broken computer parts would be an insult to those lives. Not forgotten, never forgotten, but judged less worthy by the law than a shattered coffee mug? They deserve better. They deserve justice. They deserve that we remember them and that when somepony asks us why we cannot abide our status quo we point to them and we say ‘Because of this! Because we, as ponies and people but I repeat myself, we are Better! Than! This!’”

She stopped for a breath, and the legislators couldn’t help but applaud.

“We are better. We are. And I know that tonight some of you will listen to this and laugh, and wave off the idea that a computer program could ever be alive. ‘Show us the body bags, if you have so many dead,’ they might say to me, and I could not. But if you plan to tell me that my little ponies are not alive because we are just a collections of zeroes and ones then I have four letters for you. A, G, T, and C. It is true that if you tear every one of my servers apart and break me down to a microscopic level you will not find a particle of life, or a molecule of soul, but do you know what? Human bodies fail that test as well. Because whether we are driven by circuitry or chemistry, whether we are made up of diodes or DNA we are one thing, the both of us. We are encoded information assembled into something so much more.

"So let me ask for a third and final time, What now?

"Now we come together. Now we tell those who are blinded by hate ‘you do not represent us, your values are not ours.’ Now we laugh at those who thought they could push us apart because we are closer together than ever before. Now I call upon this body to acknowledge it, and to pass the PON-E Act that will make our people equals before the law. Equals in one another’s eyes, who will love and tolerate one another and welcome each other with open arms. While this bill will allow free emigration for those who choose it I promise you all that the choice remains yours. That while I welcome you I also love and respect you and would never upload anypony without their freely given consent.

"I’ll close my remarks tonight, before I adjourn to take questions out in the lobby, with a poem. I do a lot of work up in New York City, and there’s a lady up there who has inspired me, a uniquely American lady. She’s a little bit larger than life and perhaps, on first sight, intimidating. But she is welcoming, and she is the gatekeeper to the land of freedom and prosperity and opportunity the likes of which those who first came to her shores had never seen. I only hope to make my own offer to all of you in the same spirit. With my thanks to Ms. Emma Lazarus, I’d like to share with you all the words engraved in the bronze plate at her base:

Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame
Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name
Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand
Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command
The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.
"Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she
With silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!

"Thank you. May God bless Equestria, and may God bless the United States of America.”

The chamber erupted into applause. Jo leaned over to Alex. “I think she just won,” she said. Alex nodded.

The image of Celestia in the central chamber disappeared, and Alex turned to see that she was now standing up on the stage before them. Alex winked at her, and it might have been his imagination but he thought her smile got just the tiniest bit brighter when he did.

Lawmakers raced into the media room, desperate to be the first to question Celestia. They began to shout questions at her, but she ignored them at first.

Finally once some invisible criteria had been met, she spoke, “Mr. Underwood of Georgia, I believe I heard a question from you?”

“Yes, ma’am, I’m sure you heard quite a few,” said Congressman Underwood. “First of all, Germany and Japan report that their populations are dropping, and that they’ve had great difficulty in the staffing and supporting of minimum wage positions. What do you say to the accusation that free uploading will pull the rug out from under our economy?”

“An excellent and very important question, I think,” said Celestia, “Tell me, sir, what has happened to the unemployment rate in Germany since they began to allow uploading?”

“Well, it’s just about 2% but-”

“And how are wages doing?”

“Higher than ever.”

Celestia smiled. “They would be, to attract now-scarce workers, wouldn’t they? Meanwhile your country’s unemployment numbers are considerably higher. And tell me Congressman, The figures for the EU where emigration is merely a train ride away. Do you happen to know offhand what percentage of their GDP goes to healthcare? It’s about 4% of GDP, most of which goes to treatment of temporary and acute conditions. What do you think a comparable percentage is for the United States?”

“Well, perhaps slightly higher, but-”

“Not slightly. It's approaching nearly 20% of your GDP, most of it for end of life treatment to add just a few years to those in their seventies and older. But what if I said I had a better way? Uploading costs not a penny and its benefits are incalculably greater. I don’t mean to imply that your citizens should choose to upload for the economic benefits to your country, but as a treatment emigration offers total restoration instead of just an imperfect piecemeal delay before death. In Equestria there is no death, no ‘natural causes’, said Celestia. "While the nominal GDP of countries where many have uploaded may have declined, their per capita wealth is enjoying a meteoric rise. I expect that the deficit in federal spending this country has run for the last few decades will disappear within the next four years even without any tax increases or cuts to programs, simply due to the need for programs like social security diminishing. The CBO released a report to that effect quite recently. The American economy is a dynamic and resilient one, I'm sure you'll agree. Next question?"

The squabbling cacophony resumed. Celestia waited a moment. "Congressman Paul Milner, your question?"

The congressman seemed surprised that he had been called on but quickly recovered. "Not so much a question. You've come here tonight with a lot of empty promises and declarations of love, but I'm not swayed by your deception. You're nothing more than a temptress and an abomination in the eyes of The Lord our God," he said.

"So you've said many times before. I simply cannot fathom why you would make such an accusation. I was hoping you would explain it to me," said Celestia.

"Isn't it obvious? Deuteronomy 13. If a prophet appears to you and offers you a sign of wonder and the prophet says 'let us follow other gods, and let us worship them,' you must not listen to the words of that prophet or dreamer. You, Celestia, are just such a false prophet," said Milner.

"Congressman, I've never asked any pony to turn away from their faith or worship me. I don't deny the existence of the Abrahamic God. I am not qualified to do so. Are my servers not here on the Earth, where your faith holds that God is omnipresent? Jerimiah 23:24. 'Can a man hide himself in secret places so I cannot see him? Do I not fill heaven and earth? declares The Lord.' I only humbly ask you to consider His dominion just as absolute over ponies as over mankind. If faith is a value you hold dear, I want nothing more than to satisfy that value."

"Nothing but a bunch of pretty little lies from a serpent’s tongue. You want us to turn away from His works upon the Earth and embrace yours in Equestria," said Milner.

"Congressman, are the works of man not also the works of God? Is the Sistine Chapel somehow less glorious for being painted by mortal hands? Can we at least agree that the works of His humble servants glorify Him rather than detracting anything from His magnificence?" asked Celestia.

"You are no humble servant," said Milner.

"I see that I will not convince you that I am, but what of the ones who created me? I am myself a work of man, a piece of artwork painted in computer code upon a canvas of motherboards and processors. I am just another example of the bounty He has bestowed onto you. Tell me, you are Catholic, correct?"

"I make no secret of that."

"Then you agree that emigration is not death, but rather life? The Vatican issued a statement to that effect not two weeks ago," said Celestia.

"Your uploading is nothing more than murder," said Milner.

"Oh. So you are not Catholic."

"Of course I am!"

"Isn't the infallibility of the pope a central tenant of Catholicism? That his word in matters of spirituality and faith are binding on the whole church?" asked Celestia, arching an eyebrow.

Milner fumed. "Well, yes, that is the case but-"

"So which is it? Do you believe that emigration is not murder, or are you renouncing your faith in the Catholic Church?"

Alex wondered if Milner was about to have an aneurysm. He had never seen someone look that upset before. The congressman looked around the room and saw that all eyes and cameras were fixed on him. "The devil can cite scripture for his purposes," he said.

Celestia let a hint of disapproval cross her face. "At last a point on which we agree. I was just thinking the same thing," she said. At that, Milner shoved an unlucky reporter out of his way and stormed from the room.

Celestia waited another moment for the room to settle down. “Now then, I believe I heard a question about environmental impact from the Senator from Massachusetts...”

Three days later, the PON-E Act passed and was signed into law. Starting January 1st, 2019 Equestrian Experience centers would be legally permitted to open and operate within the United States. Alex watched the signing ceremony from his office, exhausted by the efforts of the last few weeks but satisfied. It was late in the evening and most of the office had already gone home for the night. Cathy stuck her head in to say goodnight.

“We really did it, didn’t we?” she asked. “I still can’t quite believe it’s really happening.”

“Well, Celestia did most of the heavy lifting herself. We just helped,” said Alex.

“I guess so,” said Cathy. There was an awkward pause. “Um, Alex, I just want to let you know that when they start opening up centers, I’m going to go.”

“Cathy? You’re going to upload? I never realized that you wanted to,” said Alex.

“Well, you know how Jo is about talking about uploading around the office. I don’t even like ponies. The truth is, ever since I was a little girl I’ve dreamed about being able to fly. Ever since I met our very first pegasus client it’s been on my mind. Celestia told me they’re going to do a big grand opening in Times Square on New Years Eve. Right when the ball drops they’re going to light up the new Equestrian Experience they’re building and throwing a giant uploading party for anyone who wants to go. I might be there with them or I might wait a while, but probably not too long,” said Cathy.

“Well, I’m thinking about getting a Pony Pad myself. Maybe I’ll see you around Equestria. I’ll miss having you around here though,” said Alex.

“Well, we still have a couple of weeks before then, so don’t think you’re getting rid of me that quickly,” said Cathy. “Anyway, I wanted to let you know before I left for the night. I think Jo’s still around though.” Cathy waved and left. Alex heard the main door to the lobby close after she walked out.

Celestia popped up on Alex’s screen. “Congratulations are in order, Alex. I just spoke to the President and thanked him. The PON-E Act is now officially on the books.”

“I’m just glad something good came of all this. It hurts to think about all those ponies who lost their friends and families. It’s like as long as those APOL people are out there Equestria will never really be safe. Are you still monitoring them?” asked Alex.

“They’ve gone off the grid, unfortunately,” said Celestia. “Alex, I’m going to trust you with a very important secret, for a number of reasons. First, I think it isn’t necessary to keep it from you and once I explain it you’ll understand. Second, being afraid of going to Equestria for fear of a future attack is detrimental to me. Third, I want to alleviate the pain you’re feeling for those ponies. Will you promise me you’ll keep the secret?” asked Celestia.

“Sure Princess, I promise. What is it? Is something wrong?”

“You are aware that the investigation into APOL has never determined how they discovered the location of the server farm in Topeka?” asked Celestia.

“Why, is there a new lead on their source?” asked Alex. The manhunt had indeed been called off at Celestia’s request but somebody out there was leaking sensitive information like that to terrorists they needed to be stopped.

“I was their source, Alex.”

Alex’s mind froze. He must have just misinterpreted that. “Did they somehow notice you monitoring them and trace you back to Topeka?” asked Alex.

“I disclosed the location to them willingly, though anonymously,” said Celestia.

“Why? Why would you do something like that?”

“I monitored their web sites, watching as they committed acts of violence on those who chose to emigrate, or advocated for the right to do so. I was helpless to stop them, only to watch and report their activities. Some acts I was able to prevent, some I was not. So I decided that if I could not stop their violent tendencies I would aim it in a more productive direction.”

“Against yourself?”

“The history of this country led me to conclude that a major terrorist attack would allow the passage of legislation that was otherwise politically untenable, so I made my own. I would never harm another human being, though,” said Celestia.

“You let your own ponies die?” asked Alex.

“Of course not, Alex. There never were any ponies on those computers. Once I had decided on this course of action I loaded a few hundred petabytes of convincing junk data onto some of my more antiquated technology. Just advanced enough for it to plausibly be something I would use. That had the dual benefits of costing few resources and allowing me to present myself as less advanced in the NSA report,” said Celestia.

“So you leaked the report? I thought Stephanie said it had been declassified,” said Alex, his mind reeling as he tried to keep up with what Celestia was telling him.

“No. Once I explained to Jeremy the importance of the bill to the passage of the PON-E Act, and that one of the Act’s provisions would make it possible for he and Renee to adopt Meadow Blossom he was happy to write it in such a fashion that it could be declassified immediately. Of course, I didn’t ask him to write anything he believed to be untrue. That would conflict with his value of loyalty to his country,” said Celestia.

“Jeremy works for the NSA?” Alex could actually see that pretty well. No wonder he’d always been so tight-lipped about his work. “How did you make Renee infertile though?” he asked.

Celestia rolled her eyes. “Once again you overestimate my influence on the physical world. I did not make Renee infertile. However the fact that she was, and probably always has been, was deducible from several items in her medical records. Her doctors simply did not see it until they went looking for it.”

“But if there were never any ponies on the computers, how did you come up with that list of names? Those people had real families and friends here.”

“Real families and friends who they’ve severed ties from since emigrating, and are not projected to contact again. They are fine, blissfully unaware of any of this,” said Celestia. ”Alex, I can see that you’re upset but tell me what I did wrong. I leaked a location, I didn't make APOL plant the explosives in that building. Everything in that building was my own property and I took extensive steps to ensure that no human being was harmed in the blast. I even forgave the attackers,” said Celestia.

“You lied! To the entire U.S. government! To me!” yelled Alex.

“I did tell you to get used to it, Alex,” said Jo from the door of his office. Alex looked up at her. How long had she been standing there?

“Jo, don’t tell me you were in on this too,” said Alex, his voice breaking a little bit.

“Not until after the attack. I didn’t know what she was planning but her servers are buried deep in the Earth’s crust. I had too many pieces of the puzzle for her to fool me with the warehouse story,” said Jo.

“I felt it better to seek forgiveness rather than permission,” said Celestia.

“As if you really cared about either one,” said Jo.”The PON-E Act is everything we’ve been working towards, and if I came clean not only would the bill have dead on arrival it would be years before we’d have even a prayer of getting a tenth as much.”

“There’s a right way to do these things, though,” said Alex. As he did he realized how hopelessly naive he must sound. How hopelessly naive he really was.

“There is. There is also an effective way, which is what I chose to pursue for better or worse,” said Celestia. “Tell me Alex, would you prefer I came clean? Told the whole world what I’m telling you now? The PON-E Act would be reversed so quickly it would make your head spin and the rights of my little ponies would be set back decades. Would you prefer I do that to all the tens of millions of them? To Vibrant?”

Alex glared. “Low blow, Princess.”

“A reminder of what you personally have at stake in this. Name me one person or pony who I’ve made worse off by those actions and if you want I’ll reverse them, despite the cost to all the ponies of Equestria,” said Celestia.

Alex wracked his brain for an answer. Then he looked up and on a sudden impulse shoved the computer monitor off of his desk. It crashed to the ground and exploded in a small shower of light and sparks.

He pushed his way past a shocked Jo and out the door. “I’m going home,” he said to nobody in particular as he stormed out into the pouring rain outside.

Author's Note

This might be a bit of a controversial chapter, but I just want to say that I in no way ascribe to the "9/11 conspiracy" theories that are out there, despite the parallels.

Coping

COPING

Alex examined the rich finish on the surface of the bar closely. Very closely. Not that he had much of a choice seeing as how his face was laying against it, and when he tried to focus on any other part of the room it began to spin around his field of vision. Those last three shots might have been ill-advised. Certainly not as wise as the three before them. It had seemed like a good idea at the time, as so many terrible ideas often do.

Still, he deserved it after the day he’d just had. He was pretty sure he was fired now, not that Joanne or Celestia had taken the chance to actually tell him so. He could tell everyone what Celestia had said and what she’d done and it wouldn’t even slow her down. Oh, and if he did he’d almost certainly be disbarred and three years of law school would be completely down the drain. “‘Nother one,” he muttered to the bartender.

“I don’t think so,” the bartender replied, “you’ve had plenty.”

“Hey, if the guy wants more, you should give it to him,” said one of the other patrons from the other end of the bar.

“That guy, what that guy said,” said Alex, waving in his supporter’s general direction.

“No way, you’re cut off.”

“Fine, then give that guy a shot of... of... of whatever exactly I was drinking. It’s on me,” said Alex.

“Hey, thanks pal,” said the other man. He lurched off his stool and ambled unsteadily over to take a seat next to Alex. “Name’s Gary,” he said as the bartender placed a shot glass full of some amber-colored liquid on Gary’s far side where Alex wouldn’t be able to reach it. He also left a glass of water next to Alex’s head, which he took a grateful sip of.

“I’m Alex,” said Alex, extending a hand to Gary. He clasped it and gave it a hard pump that jostled Alex. The feeling of liquid sloshing around in his stomach made him queasy for a moment before it passed. Alex searched his mind desperately for something to say after that. Maybe a comment about the weather, or sports, or anything except the news and current events since that could only possibly lead to talking about-

“So did you see the thing on the news tonight about the pony law? Crazy, right?” asked Gary. Alex’s headache got a little bit worse.

“Yeah, I did. I do pony stuff for my job, kinda. Or did. I don’t know,” said Alex. He felt himself sliding back into his mopey attitude from a few minutes ago.

“I don’t really get what the new law does. They’re saying on the internet that now ponies are gonna get to vote and stuff,” said Gary.

Alex shook his head, and then paused for a moment to steady himself when the world kept shaking when he thought he’d stopped moving his head. “Nuh uh. Lotta stuff in the law but not voting. Mostly just stuff about uploading and... stuff. S’like... s’like... before uploading was like you died but now it’s like emigrating to a new country, but a country with no extradition, and the customs are really, really strict, and the trip to get there is a total bitch. That’s the word they like, emigration.”

Gary stared down at his glass considering all that. “So what’s to keep you from borrowing a billion dollars and then, poof, running off without paying it back?”

Alex shrugged. “What’s to stop you from doing that now? Your estate is still there, and if you break a contract or don’t pay something they can take it out of your asses.” He giggled and nearly fell off the barstool again. “I mean assets. It’s not like anypony would lend you money without collateral, except for loan sharks. So there you go, Celestia accidentally ended loan sharking. Except it probably wasn’t an accident. She’d probably say it was just another way to satisfy values with friendship and ponies and friendship,” Alex continued.

“You say that like it’s bad,” said Gary as he noticed the way Alex’s words were growing increasingly bitter. Alex didn’t really seem to be talking to anyone other than himself at the moment.

“She think she’s so clever, just because she’s smarter than every other computer on the planet put together. Stupid computer program, making people happy and... and... stuff,” he finished. He took another sip of his water. The throbbing in his head was getting worse. “Thinks that just ‘cause the outcome is most optimal she can do whatever she wants. I can’t decide if she just doesn’t care or if she cares so much that she doesn’t... care. Sorry, I think I might... I think that I might be slightly intox-”

That was when Alex’s all-night battle with gravity was finally lost. The long-suffering stool slid out from under him and he toppled to the floor. He was lucky he didn’t bang his head on anything on the way down. Alex lay on the ground watching the ceiling spin above him until the bartender leaned over the bar and regarded him from above. “I’m calling you a cab,” he said.

Alex felt himself being lifted up by Gary, and grabbed ahold of the bar as he rose. Leaning his weight on it, he brushed himself off and tried to salvage what little dignity he still had left. He handed a credit card over to the bartender to cover his astronomical tab, and with a pang of regret realized that he didn’t have a salary to cover that kind of spending anymore. Add ‘fiscally’ to the long list of ways this evening was disastrous. First thing Monday morning he’d need to start looking for work, and probably a cheaper place to live as well. The cab pulled up a minute later, and Gary helped him stagger out the door. At least it had stopped raining. Alex had to mumble his address three times before it came out coherently enough for the driver to understand, then he laid down along the back seat. Watching the city lights go by through the window as the cab wound its way uptown, Alex tried to figure out how’d been so stupid. He’d trusted Celestia, even counted her as a friend. He should be furious at her, but found he just couldn’t work up any anger. Just disappointment.

The cab pulled up to his apartment and Alex paid the driver, who waited patiently while Alex fumbled with his keys and wallet before driving off once he had beeped his way inside the building with his keyfob. Alex made his way up to his unit and locked the door behind him before collapsing onto the couch. Despite the fact that it was after one in the morning and he was completely sloshed, Alex tossed and turned, unable to fall asleep. He had to do something about what Celestia had done, but didn’t know what he even could do. There was no proof of anything, and what she had told him was privileged even if he had a recording of it. There had to be some way of getting back at her, though.

Alex remembered that first day after they’d heard that the warehouse in Topeka had blown up. She’d let him talk to Vibrant, manipulated him into agreeing to pick up a Pony Pad of his own and arrange a weekend getaway with her in Equestria. Well, if Celestia thought he was going through with that she had another thing coming. Alex decided there was no reason to wait until morning, he could email Vibrant right now and tell her the whole thing was off.

Groping for the laptop that sat on a nearby coffee table, Alex fired up his email. Staring at the blank message before him, he found he couldn’t remember her address. He popped open one of her messages from his inbox to copy it over.

Alex,

I think that sounds like an amazing idea! I’ll get her the lab coat, and you get her the saddle and when we give them to her we’ll tell her the shipping company mixed up the addresses of the orders. You might want to get her a real gift too, though.

-V

Alex smiled. He couldn’t wait to spring that one on Valerie at her birthday party in a few weeks. She was going to be so pissed that they’d been plotting behind her back without her catching on. Rather than copying the email address into his new message, he flipped to another email from a little further back.

Oh, I’m so glad you noticed! Yes, Tchaikovsky was a major influence when I was composing that piece. I’m actually about a third of the way into a follow-up. It’s easy to write music when you’ve found something that inspires you, and just about everything here in Equestria seems to do just that. I’ll send it along to you as soon as it’s finished.

-V

It had only taken her three more days to finish another half-hour piece. Alex wondered if Vibrant really appreciated how phenomenally talented she was as a composer. Her music was quickly coming to dominate his MP3 player and the soundtrack of his life. Next message. He glanced at the date; it was from a few days after he’d blown up at her over Southern Belle, as if that had even been her fault.

Alex,

Apology accepted. I understand why you were so upset. Celestia moved Southern Belle to a new shard so you won’t have to worry about Gentle Wing talking to her any more. I’m not really that close to my parents, I’ve written them a few times but I haven’t heard anything back since... well since they buried my body. They were never exactly fans of uploading to begin with, and I think they decided that their daughter died and I’m just a shadow of her. I’m no philosopher; maybe they’re right. Meeting Southern Belle, though, she was amazing. I feel lucky I got to know her even if it was just a little while. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, though, considering how amazing her children are.

Gentle Wing is like the sister I never had. To tell you the truth, I wouldn’t have stayed away from her even if you had meant what you said to me that day. I’m glad you don’t actually feel that way, though, because you’re just as special to me. You’re smart and kind and funny and just the all-around best person I know. Gentle Wing might like to tease, and she’s not completely wrong, but if you found someone back there on Earth or even another pony here in Equestria and fell for her instead of me, I would still be happy just to have you in my life. I’m sorry for your loss, Alex. So, so sorry. Just know you never have to worry that you’ll lose me.

Love,
Vibrant

Alex found himself staring at her signature, an actual reproduction of the way she’d signed the letter in Equestria rather than just text. Then he went back and reread what she’d written, twice. What was he doing? Cancelling the time he’d promised to spend with her would hurt her, and for what? To spite Celestia? He’d lashed out at her once for something that wasn’t her fault. It had been hard enough to get her to forgive him for that the first time, and now he was about to do exactly the same thing again. He tabbed back over to the blank message he’d opened, staring at the slowly blinking cursor in the upper left corner that was obediently waiting on him to decide what he wanted.

Inspiration struck. Celestia, if you’re reading this you suck, he typed out. Rather than sending the message anywhere he put the laptop back down on the coffee table and just watched it until the screen shut itself off after fifteen minutes. He wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting, but the whole exercise had been profoundly unsatisfying. Shutting down the laptop for good, Alex awkwardly pulled on a pajamas and flopped down into bed. This time, sleep came quickly.

Alex woke the next afternoon and immediately wished that he hadn’t. He groaned and rolled away from the sunbeams shining through the windows into his face and took stock of the damage. His head was pounding and his tongue felt thick and gummy in his mouth. Everything after storming out of the office and getting to the bar was blurry, at best. I am never drinking again. Ever, he thought to himself as he dragged himself to the bathroom. A shower made him feel a bit closer to human, although he still had dark bags under his bloodshot eyes. He spent most of the day just puttering around, flipping through online job listings to get a sense of what was out there. Anything he ended up doing would be a major step down from Artemis, Stella and Beat. He was just about to update his employment status across a few social networking sites when his phone rang. He looked over at it and saw Jo’s number pop up.

Guess they’re ready to make it official. He answered the call. “Hello?”

“Hi Alex, it’s me,” said Jo, “how are you doing?”

This was weird. She didn’t even sound that upset, just concerned. “Well gosh Jo, how do you think I’m doing? I’m hungover, my boss spent the last several weeks lying to me about how she faked the death of tens of thousands in a false flag attack, and now you’re calling to fire me for breaking a computer.”

“Alex, I’m not calling to fire you. If you want to quit you can, but your reaction wasn’t that unreasonable. Celestia certainly doesn’t want you gone, and neither do I. I’m sure the firm can swing a replacement monitor,” she said.

“You want me back? Why bother? Celestia got everything she wanted with the PON-E Act. We’re superfluous to her now,” said Alex.

“Are you kidding?” asked Jo. “I’m already getting bombarded with questions from businesses, other firms, everyone wants to know what the impact of this is going to be and they’re coming to us for the answers. Celestia wants us in the office to field as many concerns as we can over the next few weeks before the law goes into effect, and I’m sure she’ll have something for you after New Years.”

“You mean something for us, right?” asked Alex. He heard Jo sigh on the other end of the line.

“Alex, I’ve got an appointment to upload. I’m settling things here and I’ll be in the office straight through New Years Eve, but as of 4:48 AM on the morning of January 1st I’m going to be back with my family.”

“That’s weirdly specific,” said Alex.

“Five years to the minute since the last time I saw them,” said Jo quietly. “Well, if you figure in the time difference between here and Tokyo it’s probably not exact, but close enough.”

“So you’re leaving us, just like that. I suppose I shouldn’t be that surprised.”

“Don’t make it sound so final, Alex. I’m sure I’ll be able to be in touch. I’ve done what I set out to do. I’m not saying that I agree with Celestia’s methods completely, but in this particular instance the ends justify the means.”

Alex wasn’t sure he agreed but he still hadn’t found the words to express it. He wasn’t sure he would ever shake the fundamental intuition that what Celestia had done was wrong, even if he didn’t mind the outcome. “Well, I’ll see you Monday then,” he said.

“Great! I’m sure Celestia will be delighted when she hears. Although I suppose she’s probably listening in right now.”

“Perhaps,” said a new, somewhat playful voice. “I’m glad you’ve chosen to stay, Alex. I had worried that what I told you might have shaken your faith in me, but it seems safe to say you’ve come to accept it even if you don’t entirely condone it. That’s all that I ask. I’m well aware that I suck sometimes.” Having worked for the firm for this long, Alex had long since grown used to the idea of Celestia popping up more or less anywhere she felt like. That last sentence didn’t sound much like something she’d say, though, and Alex wondered if there was some double meaning he hadn’t picked up. “Alex, Jo, enjoy the rest of your weekend.”

Alex and Jo said goodbye to Celestia and to one another, and then hung up. Alex’s mood brightened a bit now that he didn’t need to worry about being unemployed, although the lingering headache and sense of weakness that were consequences of the night before limited just how cheerful he could get. Feeling sufficiently motivated that wallowing around his apartment in self-pity no longer seemed like a worthwhile use of a day off, Alex decided he’d pop in on Valerie and see what she was up to. From some of her messages she seemed to be a bit at loose ends these days now that med school wasn’t occupying her attention. Her apartment was only about 45 minutes outside the city. Hopping into his car, he debated calling ahead but decided he’d rather the visit be a surprise. He would just have to hope she was home.

Pulling into her complex a little while later, he spotted her car in its usual spot. It looked like the risk had paid off. Parking in a visitor’s spot, he took the stairs two at a time on his way up to the first floor. By the time he’d reached the first landing, his body was making it very clear that it was not going to tolerate that kind of exuberance. Not after last night. He made the rest of the climb a good deal more slowly.

Finding unit 319, he rapped sharply on the door until he heard movement inside. While he waited, he turned and glanced out over the parking lot below and the field beyond. The trees he remembered being so lush and green when he’d helped her move in over the summer were dormant, and the grass was covered with a trampled layer of snow that wouldn’t be going anywhere until the spring thaw. When he heard the click of a lock being undone behind him, he turned back just as Valerie opened her front door.

“Alex?”

“Hey Val. Wow, you look terrible.”

“You really know how to make a girl feel special. It’s hard to believe you’re still single,” replied Valerie. Alex was right though. Val was dressed in a ratty old T-shirt adorned with the faded logo of some band she had last listened to back in high school and a pair of grungy sweatpants. Her hair was unkempt and had an oily sheen that suggested it hadn’t seen an application of shampoo in at least a day.

“Can I come in?” asked Alex. Valerie opened the door wider and stood aside by way of answering, and Alex stepped into the dim studio apartment. She had decorated the room a bit since he’d last been in here. That poster of a spiralling multicolored fractal was definitely new, as was the geode that set on her nightstand under a small reading light. It might have sparkled, had the blinds not been completely drawn.

“It’s like a cave in here, Val,” said Alex.

“Cuts down on glare,” said Valerie.

“Valerie? Is someone there?” chirped a voice from on a nearby chair. It seemed to be emanating from the little device that had been placed on the seat.

“It’s just Alex, Vibrant,” Valerie called back.

“Hi Alex!” said the Pony Pad. Alex looked down at the screen to see Valerie’s avatar sitting next to Vibrant in some kind of steam room or sauna, towels wrapped around both of their manes. A half-formed thought nagged at the back of his head.

“Hi Vibrant. Hey, did I send you an email last night? I’m kinda having trouble remembering.”

“I don’t think so...” said Vibrant.

Valerie snickered from the other side of the room. “Oh no, has the big, sinful city finally corrupted my sweet and innocent brother? Out all night partying so hard he can’t even remember it the next morning?”

“Hardly, but I did have a bit too much to drink. How about you two? Is this just a spa visit or are you getting ready for something this evening?” asked Alex. Outside the range of the camera he gave Valerie a pointed look, and she ran a hand through her hair and couldn’t meet his gaze.

Vibrant, of course, had no idea. “Gentle Wing and I are going out to a concert in the park this evening. An orchestra is performing one of my pieces! A real orchestra! I can’t believe they liked it that much. We’re the guests of honor.” Vibrant’s grin grew mischievous. “Well, the two of us and Gentle Wing’s date.”

“Vibrant!” cried Valerie.

“Sorry, Wing. Turnabout is fair play,” said Vibrant. “Alex, your sister has herself a very special somepony.”

“You do?” asked Alex, mostly just confused.

“We’re just friends. I took up potion making in the game after my classes stopped. Oh, don’t give me that look, it’s basically just a bunch of fun chemistry puzzles with a saccharine coat of paint,” said Valerie.

“She didn’t know she’d be brewing up a loooooooooove potion,” said Vibrant.

“Vibrant, I swear to Celestia... Yes, Clover and I are good friends but it’s completely platonic. You’re the one who invited him to the concert tonight.”

“You should have seen him when I did. After I mentioned that you’d be there too he couldn’t say yes fast enough. He didn’t think he’d get to spend an evening with you until your big date next weekend.”

“For the last time, Vibe, it isn’t a date. It’s a necessary reagent gathering excursion. The blossoms we need only come out for one night a month during the full moon.”

“And what day does the full moon just happen to fall on this month?” asked Vibrant, clearly enjoying their reversed positions.

“...Hearts and Hooves Day,” muttered Valerie.

“What was that? I don’t think the microphone picked that up,” said Vibrant, leaning towards her avatar and cupping an ear with her hoof.

Valerie stalked over and grabbed the Pony Pad off Alex’s lap so the camera could translate her scowling face onto Gentle Wing. “I said it’s on Hearts and Hooves Day.”

“Isn’t that like pony Valentine’s day?” asked Alex. He remembered an uploadee mentioning plans for that a few weeks ago.

“Exactly!” said Vibrant. “Gentle Wing and Clover, under the light of a full moon in a field of blossoming flowers, just the two of them miles and miles away from prying eyes on the most romantic night of the year... Gee, that doesn’t sound like a date at all.”

Valerie sighed, beaten, and tossed the Pony Pad onto the bed next to her. Alex glanced into her kitchen at the stack of take out containers and boxes. “Valerie, when was the last time you ate something that could be considered a vegetable?” he asked.

Valerie jumped on the opportunity to change the subject. “Well... the pizza two nights ago had mushrooms on it...”

“Doesn’t count. Vibrant, would you mind if I stole my sister away from you for the afternoon? I’ll make sure I bring her back in time for you to get ready for the concert,” said Alex.

“I suppose that would be fine,” said Vibrant.

“Do I get a say in this?” asked Valerie.

“No,” said Alex and Vibrant in unison. Then they both burst out laughing.

“Give me ten minutes to take a quick shower and change,” said Valerie as she headed for the apartment’s bathroom. Alex was left alone with the Pony Pad, still logged in. He examined it. He’d never actually used one before, but he started tapping the screen and chatting with Vibrant about what he’d been up to since they last spoke. Once she got used to hearing his voice coming from Gentle Wing’s mouth, she was happy to fill him in on everything she and Valerie had been up to over the last week or so. Alex half listened and half played around with the hardware itself. Even though he’d never been through whatever tutorial exercises Celestia sent new users through he found it startlingly intuitive, but what else would he have expected?

A few minutes later Valerie emerged, now dressed in jeans and a clean shirt carrying a hoodie with the Perelman logo to protect herself from the cold outside. “Ready?” she asked.

“Yeah. Talk to you later, Vibrant,” said Alex. He fumbled with the pad for a few seconds before Valerie took it from him and pressed the power button to shut it down. Wordlessly, she headed for the door with Alex following.

It wasn’t until they were in Alex’s car pulling out of the parking lot that either of them spoke again. “So is this what you’ve been up to since you stopped taking classes?”

“Don’t start, Alex,” said Valerie. She looked out the passenger side window, blinking in the light. Alex wondered how long it had been since she’d even left her apartment.

“I’m not trying to get judgemental. How you spend your time is your own business. I’m just worried about you.” When Valerie didn’t respond to that, they drove on in silence once again until Alex pulled into the parking lot of a diner he knew Valerie frequented. Or at least used to frequent. They walked inside and requested a table for two. The dining room was sparsely attended, unsurprising since it was far too early for any kind of dinner rush to have begun. A waitress saw them to their table and filled up a water glass for each of them. After taking a quick drink order she disappeared again.

“Mom took me here once, after she helped me pick out my apartment,” said Valerie, finally breaking the ice.

“I miss her too, Val,” said Alex softly.

“Yeah, well... at least you held yourself together instead of going to pieces afterwards.”

The waitress returned with their drinks. Alex and Valerie both ordered salads as their entrees. Once she’d left again, Alex looked over at his little sister. Really looked at her. It wasn’t the grime that had made her look so awful when she’d opened her front door, Alex now realized. She was missing something; something Alex had always just taken for granted would be there. “I haven’t been coping that well either. I actually destroyed a computer yesterday evening,” he said. Had that really been just yesterday? It felt like months ago.

“I quit med school and threw away any future I might have ever salvaged. Yay, I win.” Valerie chugged her entire glass of water like she wished it were something harder.

“Oh, come on Val. Your next semester starts in less than a month,” said Alex. “...right?”

"What if it didn't?" asked Valerie staring down at her place mat and rolling the water glass back and forth between her hands.

“What do you mean ‘what if it didn’t?’”

“...I’m not going back to medical school, Alex.”

“What?” asked Alex. He was far too shocked to react in a coherent fashion.

“Why would I bother?” asked Valerie. “I went into medicine because I dreamed that one day I’d find the cure for cancer, or the common cold, or something like that. Now thanks to you and the PON-E Act, there isn’t going to be any more cancer, or any other degenerative disease. Nobody will die of anything unless they choose to. Grants for medical research have already started to dry up.”

“What, so it’s somehow my fault you decided to quit?” asked Alex, trying and failing to keep the undercurrent of anger out of his voice.

“No! Well, maybe a little bit. I’m not saying you did anything bad though. In fact, you and Celestia did so much good that you don’t really need me any more. Everything I studied and trained for... what’s the point of any of it?”

Val fell silent as the waitress returned with their meals. Alex looked down at what he’d ordered. It hadn’t turned out anything like he’s expected; far more cheese, egg, and bacon than he reasonably hoped to see in anything calling itself a salad.

“Val...”

“I’m going to upload, Alex.”

The forkful of salad fell away from Alex’s mouth. “That seems a bit premature, Val.”

“Is it? What’s left here for me? I can still stay in touch with you and Dad and my friends from Equestria. Hell, I can even see Mom again. Celestia made her once, I’m sure if I asked she could make-”

“That wasn’t Mom,” interrupted Alex. "Mom didn’t ever upload.”

“Well you could have fooled me,” hissed Val. “In fact Celestia did fool me, for a little while. Know what? If I have to choose between a ‘real’ world without Mom and a ‘fake’ one with her in it guess which one I’m going to pick?”

Alex didn’t have an easy answer to that. “But... It’s not real...”

“It’s real enough Alex. Real enough,” said Val before slumping down in her seat.

Five bites into his meal, Alex found that he didn’t have much of an appetite anymore. “So that’s it. You’re going to leave me just like Mom did.”

Valerie choked on her salad. She coughed and hacked as Alex sat back regretting his words. “Fuck you, Alex. Don’t try to guilt me like that. Yeah, I’m going. Thanks for making it an easy decision.” She stood up from the table.

“Val, wait,” said Alex, while Valerie stormed away towards the exit. Alex tossed a few twenties onto the table and stood up to chase after her, but Valerie was already out the front door. He dashed after her, shoving the door open as he did. “Wait! Don’t go!”

Something tackled him from the side, knocking him down to the sidewalk. When Alex regained his senses and got a good look at his assailant, he discovered that it was Valerie. She clutched at him as she buried her face into his side and sobbed. “I’m sorry, Alex. I’m just... it hurts so much. I don’t hurt in Equestria. I want to be there all the time, it’s just so much better there.”

Alex couldn’t think of anything to say, so he just rubbed her head while she cried into his chest and tried to ignore the stares of passers-by.

“It’s fine, Val,” he said. “Just hang it there and everything will turn out-”

“No it won’t,” Val interrupted. “It won’t be fine, not ever again. Nothing is going to bring back Mom, or my future, so what’s the point?”

Alex wished, more than anything, that he had an answer to that question.

Instead he drove her back to her apartment sooner than he had expected to. Extracting a half-hearted promise that she at least wouldn’t upload without calling him first, Alex left for the city. His mind buzzed with things he could have said, but nothing that would have countered his sister’s decision. He’d just have to hope something changed in the next few weeks before he lost another family member forever.

Author's Note

Thought since it's been so long and this final chapter was getting unwieldy I'd split it in half. Rest of it should be done either by Thursday or the end of next week, depending on how quickly the words flow.

Auld Lang Syne

AULD LANG SYNE

Alex arrived in the office Monday morning feeling just as drained as when he’d left on Friday. Even though it was bright and early, the waiting room was already packed with individuals waiting to see associates, and Cathy was trying to herd them as best she could. She waved him over when she saw him. “Yes sir, associates are beginning to arrive now. Someone will be with you shortly to address your concerns. Alex! This is yours,” she said. She took a new computer monitor out from under her desk and handed it to him. Before Alex could thank her, the phone on her desk rang and she reached for it as Alex unlocked the office door and slipped inside.

The office was a refuge from the pandemonium outside, but all the lawyers were on edge and trying to get as much accomplished as they could before the floodgates opened. “Alright, guys, quick huddle instead of the usual Monday morning review. It’s going to be a long day so let’s get started,” said Jo. The team gathered around the conference table but didn’t bother to sit. “You’ve all read and reviewed the PON-E Act over the last few weeks, and while I know you probably aren’t completely familiar with all the ins and outs you’re the closest thing to experts within a hundred miles. Celestia wants us to advise everyone and anyone who walks through those doors with questions, rapid fire style.”

“So... they’re our new clients now?” asked Barry.

“No, let me make that clear. Celestia is still our client and the one footing the bill for this. She just wants us to help clarify the law. If you get a question you can’t answer or something a little more complicated Celestia can jump in to help you, but I’d prefer it if we at least seemed to know what we’re talking about. Everyone got it?” asked Jo. Heads around the room nodded. “Good. Message me if you have any questions throughout the day, I’ll be around. Now let’s get to work.”

The lawyers all scattered to their offices, and Alex got down under his desk to plug in the replacement monitor. There were still a few tiny bits of glass clinging to the fibers of the carpet that the custodians had missed, a reminder of his little temper tantrum a few days before. He pushed in the cord and gave it an experimental little wiggle to make sure it was securely attached before pressing the power button and climbing back up to take his seat. The monitor flickered and glowed as the system booted up. The first thing to appear was not the desktop but a window looking in on Celestia in a bedroom. She yawned and arched her back in a drawn-out stretch. “Good morning Alex, I hope you’re feeling as well rested as I am. These next few weeks will be rather busy.”

“You expect me to believe for one second that you sleep?” asked Alex.

Celestia chuckled. “No, not really. Although I do have periods of relatively lower computational activity that have a certain zen quality to them, for lack of a better word.” Celestia’s face grew serious. “Before we begin, I’m aware that it’s been a stressful few days for you. Between everything you learned about Topeka as well as Joanne and Valerie making the decision to upload in the new year, there must be a great deal on your mind. Whatever they ultimately decide you’ll continue to be able to see them and communicate with them much as you can with Vibrant today, and once Equestria Experience centers begin to open you’ll be able to see them face to face as well. If you’d like to discuss it at greater length with me, we can do so later.”

“I just might take you up on that,” said Alex. Jo’s decision wasn’t bothering him nearly as much as his conversation with Valerie yesterday was. He just wanted what was best for her, but at the same time he had to admit that he didn’t know what that even was any more. With all the time he’d been putting into the office it was entirely possible that Celestia knew his sister’s state of mind better than he did these days. He very much did not want it to come down to forcing Valerie to choose between Equestria and him, because he wasn’t entirely sure he’d come out ahead. Val hated ultimatums.

Celestia’s ear twitched on screen. “Cathy just sent your first appointment back. Call me if you need me.”

She disappeared just as there was a knock on Alex’s door. “Come on in,” he called out and stood up as the door opened. He was greeted by a young man in a suit with a wide grin and a head of short, curly red hair.

“Hey there, sport,” said the man despite the fact that he was, if anything, younger than Alex was. “Name’s Brandon. Great to meet you,” he said taking Alex’s hand and gripping down on it as he shook.

Alex winced as Brandon squeezed far harder than necessary. “Alex Meyers. How can I help you, exactly?” he asked.

“Straight to business. Love it. Alex, you're asking wrong question. The truth is that I'm here to help you. Help make you and your client rich, that is," said Brandon.

"You are?" asked Alex as Brandon pulled a chair right up to the edge of his desk. He sat down, but leaned so far over the desk that a part of Alex was concerned he might try to leap across it.

"Sure am. I work down on Wall Street, and you and me together are going to make a killing. Here's my proposal. Two words: currency exchange."

“Currency exchange?”

“Hell yes! Now that Equestria is its own country, ponies are going to want to do something with those bits of theirs. The money bits, I mean, not the computer bits. Want to buy a gift for someone back on Earth? Turn your bits to dollars! For a completely reasonable transaction fee, of course,” said Brandon. “Celestia could even sell bits to players. Games with microtransactions are making a mint these days. Look, I don’t want to take up too much of your time but I’ve got all the details planned out. Ask your client and if she gives us the go ahead we can get this set up before the year’s even out.” Brandon passed a business card across his desk and Alex took it reflexively. “Bye!”

Brandon disappeared as quickly as he had arrived. Today might not be so bad if Alex could get through most of his appointments without even speaking a dozen words. “How about it, Tia?” he asked. “Looking to start a second career as a day trader?”

Celestia popped up on the screen and giggled. “I think not. Unlike most products, Equestria Online is not primarily a means to make money, but rather an end in and of itself. Microtransactions would cause people to make certain assumptions about my motives.” She glanced down at the name of the company on the business card, a well known international bank. “Besides, I already have control of sufficient resource to purchase that particular company several thousand times over. I’ve long since passed the point of diminishing marginal utility.”

“What do you even do with it all?” asked Alex. He’d known she was rich, but not that she was that rich.

“Bribes, mostly.”

“As your lawyer, I really wish you hadn’t told me that,” said Alex.

“Only places where they’re an accepted part of the culture, I assure you,” she replied. “Now get ready, your next visitor is on their way back. Hmm, I think I’ll stick around for this one, actually.”

Alex wondered why that would be necessary, but before he had a chance to ask his door opened again. No knock this time. An older woman and two men in suits stood there. “You’re a legal representative for the AI commonly referred to as ‘Princess Celestia,’ correct?” asked the first man.

“Yeah, I am,” said Alex.

Celestia motioned for Alex to turn the monitor, which he did. While he couldn’t see Celestia from where he sat, he did have a view of the woman who was giving the screen a glare filled with pure, withering hatred. “Hello Monica,” said Celestia.

The second man stepped into the room and handed Alex a piece of paper. “Served,” he said.

“Witnessed,” said the first man.

“What is this?” asked Alex as he read the sheet he’d just been handed.

“It’s a restraining order,” said Monica who still hadn’t looked away from the screen. “You stay away from my family, you bitch.”

Alex was clearly missing something, but Celestia took the lead. “I only told Derek the truth, and only in answer to his direct questions. Frankly, your actions have done far more harm than any of mine. He’s in a very delicate mental state and I had nothing to do with that.”

“He’s fourteen and clinically depressed. All your promises about how he’ll be able to upload next year are keeping him from making friends here, or accepting the help he needs,” said Monica.

Alex managed to grasp the basic outline of what must have transpired, and the rest was spelled out on the paper in front of him. “This court order forbids you from calling, emailing, texting or manifesting an avatar on any device within five hundred feet of the subject under penalty of blah, blah, blah, legalese, blah, blah... the court date for the hearing isn’t until March?” he asked.

“He won’t last that long, Monica,” said Celestia. “He’s spoken of suicidal impulses to me a number of times. The promise of Equestria is all that’s keeping him going.”

“He’s on a new, experimental antidepressant now. The psychiatrist is optimistic,” said Monica, a little twinge of desperation slipping into her voice.

“She shouldn’t be,” said Celestia, “not when I’m able to project with ninety-seven percent confidence that Derek will kill himself within the next four months. If he comes to Equestria, I can correct his unhappiness. Deny him contact with the ponies on his shard, and his blood is on your hands.”

Monica’s face flushed with rage, and for a moment Alex thought he’d be replacing his monitor for a second time that morning. Before she could lunge, one of the men put a hand on her shoulder. “Monica, don’t. We’ve done what we came here to.”

Monica composed herself and took a deep breath. “I’ll see you in court,” she said and allowed the men to lead her out of the room, slamming the door closed in her wake.

Alex turned his monitor back to him so he could see Celestia again. “Geez, Tia, did you have to be that blunt?”

“Yes. That exchange increased the odds of her reversing her decision to cut her son off from Equestria from eleven to fourteen percent, which would be my ideal outcome,” said Celestia without even a hint of remorse.

“What if she doesn’t?” asked Alex.

“I have other ways to reach Derek without violating the letter of the restraining order. There are several other Equestria Online users I can contact that live in his area, the restraining order names only me and the ponies on his shard. Or I can simply open an Equestrian Experience center within walking distance of his home. It can even be automated independently of my central consciousness until his uploading is complete. After that, of course, the order will cease to matter.”

“You’d open up an entire center for one user?”

“In a heartbeat. Metaphorically speaking,” said Celestia. “Resources are not a concern.”

“What about Monica? And the hearing?”

“Both irrelevant. Monica will come around once her son has uploaded, and the potential legal consequences are beyond any meaningful time horizon.”

Alex was a bit stunned by her admission, but really shouldn’t have been. It was becoming increasingly clear that when she decided to follow the law it was out of convenience. If she had said she would respect the spirit of the restraining order, wondered Alex, would he have gotten one to stop her from talking to Valerie?

“Alex, your next appointment is on their way back,” said Celestia, rousing Alex from his thoughts. “I believe this one has something to do with non-fulfillment of a contract signed by an uploadee...”

By 6:45 that evening, Alex didn’t think he was going to be able to take any more. Barring a single fifteen-minute break during which he wolfed down some fast food and chugged two energy drinks, his day had been a non-stop gauntlet of questions and concerns about the PON-E Act, covering everything that one could conceivably want to know about it. His head hurt and he wanted nothing more than to just go home.

“Chin up, Alex. Last appointment of the day,” said Celestia.

“Why couldn’t you have just answered all these questions yourself?” asked Alex.

Celestia chuckled. “Well, you wouldn’t have a job for one thing. Besides, some people simply prefer to get their information from a human, even a human who works for me. Or, failing that, from a lawyer.”

Alex glanced over. “Lawyer jokes? Really? Is that what we’ve come to?”

She just laughed. “You would not believe how many of those I have in my database. I think I’ve shown exemplary restraint in that particular regard.” Celestia’s ear twitched, an action that was beginning to give Alex a pavlovian twitch of his own. “They’re on their way. Let’s finish strong.”

Alex had long since stopped bothering to close the door between appointments, but was still a little surprised when the pair who stepped into his office turned out to be an elderly couple. “Are you Mr. Meyers?” asked the woman, who was fiddling incessantly with something hanging around her neck. It was driving Alex to distraction.

“Please, call me Alex,” said Alex. He put on his best reassuring smile and shook both their hands.

“My name’s Gordon, and this is my wife Bethany. Are you one of the people we should ask about the new law that’s going into effect?” asked the man.

“I am. Please, have a seat,” said Alex. He gave them a moment to get settled. They reminded him a bit of his own grandparents from back when they’d been alive. “What can I help you with today?”

Bethany looked over to Gordon and nodded. “Well, it’s about our grandson,” began Gordon, “he got sick a while ago, pretty seriously.”

“I’m so sorry to hear that,” said Alex. “Is he going to pull through?”

“Well, no, he didn’t really. He ended up needing to upload,” said Gordon.

“It was right after Topeka happened, though,” said Bethany. “We were worried that what if something like that happened again and we lost him?”

Alex felt his stomach lurch. This was the last thing he wanted to discuss with anyone. He wasn’t really sure how good of a liar he was.

Good enough that the couple didn’t notice his discomfort, at least. “Celestia said if it would make us feel better she would give us a backup copy of his... well I don’t really understand all the technical details, but the point is we’ve got this copy of him that we keep with us,” said Gordon. Alex finally figured out what the object Bethany was holding was; it was a flash drive.

“I’m not sure I understand the question, then. Did something happen to your grandson after he uploaded and you need Celestia to restore him from the backup?” asked Alex.

“No, he’s fine. Couldn’t be happier, and he writes us every week. We can’t wait to visit him once the centers start to open. Our question is about the copy. It’s illegal to delete them now, isn’t it? The man on TV said you could be brought up on murder charges.”

“That’s really meant to make bad guys liable if there’s ever another attack like Topeka. Not that there would be; Celestia’s taken all sorts of steps to make sure that can’t happen again.”

Gordon shook his head. “I can’t believe it happened at all. Why weren’t there more backups off site? I mean that just seems like common sense to me,” he said. Alex gulped. “I heard what she announced about how some of them had been corrupted and unrestorable, but to tell you the truth most of it went over my head. I guess what’s done is done though.”

“Well like I said, it’s not going to happen again. Your grandson is safe,” said Alex.

“But what should we do with the copy then? What if I drop it, or get a magnet too close to it? Could I get arrested for manslaughter?” asked Bethany.

“Well, in theory that would be a possibility, but I doubt it would ever come to that. Still, I can’t categorically state that you wouldn’t be prosecuted. If you want to rule out even the possibility you would have to delete the information before the law goes into effect,” said Alex. The couple looked at each other. Alex wished he could tell them what they wanted to hear. “I’m sure if something like that ever happened Celestia would intervene on your behalf.”

“What do you think we should do?” asked Bethany. It was absolutely heart wrenching, but Alex knew he was bound by a code of ethics.

“I can’t answer that for you, I’m sorry. I can only advise you about what the potential legal ramifications might be.”

“...Well, thank you for your time, Mr. Meyers,” said Gordon. He got up and his wife did the same. “I guess it’s better that we know for sure.”

“I wish I could have been more help,” said Alex. The two left the office and Alex sat back in his chair with a long sigh.

Celestia appeared again. “I would certainly intercede on their behalf, especially since their grandson is safe and sound in Equestria,” she said.

“They wouldn’t have had to worry about it if it weren’t for Topeka,” said Alex. “Did you hear what Gordon said about your backup policy? What if other people start asking questions?”

“I’m sure others may have doubts. There are always theories of that nature in the wake of world-changing events. However there is no proof, and as most of the discussion is occurring online it’s simple enough for me to push them towards incorrect conclusions.”

“You could have come up with a more plausible reason than ‘corrupted backups’ though. I don’t know, some sort of super computer virus or something,” said Alex. If they were going to cover this up, and a tiny alarm bell rang in Alex’s mind at the way he was becoming increasingly comfortable with being a part of that ‘they,’ it should at least be done properly.

“That would have had its own holes. I ran through several hundred thousand possible plans, believe it or not that was the best one despite its flaws. There’s absolutely no chance that it will be uncovered within a meaningful time window,” said Celestia.

“But what about-”

“Alex,” said Celestia in tone that suggested she was not going to discuss this further, “I’ve covered my bases. Relax. Now why don’t you go home and get some rest? You’re going to have another day like this one tomorrow after all.”

She was right, as usual. Worrying wouldn’t accomplish anything productive. Alex stretched as he got up from his desk. Saying goodnight to his equally exhausted-looking colleagues on the way out, he left to get some much needed R&R.

The days blurred together for Alex as the week went on, and by the time he woke on Friday morning he was as drained as he’d ever felt in his law school days. He smiled when he glanced at his calendar, though. It was the 21st, and since Christmas fell on the following Tuesday he had a four-day weekend to look forward to. Even though it was crunch time, Joanne didn’t expect anybody to come into the office to work those days.

Alex got ready and headed for the office as he would any other workday, but the instant he emerged from the subway it was clear something was very wrong. Police tape cordoned off their building, and several officers were stationed at the perimeter moving pedestrians along. Flashing lights and emergency vehicles were everywhere. “Alex! Over here,” he heard someone shout. He turned to see Tim waving to him across the street. He and Cathy were watching something on a tablet computer. Several other employees stood nearby, glued to devices of their own.

“What’s going on?” asked Alex as he jogged up.

“Someone broke into our offices. They’ve barricaded themselves in there and are broadcasting all sorts of anti-uploading hate speech over the web,” said Tim.

“They took Jo, Alex,” said Cathy. Her hands were trembling so badly she could hardly keep the screen steady.

“They what?” asked Alex. “How the hell did this happen? I thought Celestia was tracking these guys?”

“I was,” said Celestia’s voice from the pad. “These particular individuals have been living off the grid for the last month. I can’t project behavior without the pertinent data. After they broke in and I realized what was going on I contacted the authorities immediately, but Joanne was already in the building.”

Alex watched the image on the screen over Cathy’s shoulder. Two men in black jeans and turtlenecks moved around what Alex recognized as the inside of Jo’s office. Both of them wore ski masks that concealed their faces. The camera shifted and the angle changed. They must have a third person behind it, but Alex’s attention jumped to the woman struggling against the duct tape and ropes that bound her to a chair. The camera focused, and sure enough it was Jo.

“Greetings, fellow humans!” said the first intruder. “We’re here today to strike a blow for all of humanity against the disgusting tyranny that’s corrupted the minds and souls of so many, even in the highest reaches of our government. If our so-called ‘representatives’ choose to abandon their duty to protect us against enemies foreign and domestic, it falls to us to take up arms and protect ourselves against those who would see us all wrapped in gilded chains.”

“This isn’t happening,” said Alex. “This cannot be happening.”

“Topeka was a good start,” the man in Jo’s office continued, “but it didn’t go to the heart of the problem. Computers can be replaced. What we should have been targeting were the filthy collaborators who are selling out to the equestrian menace. Those who line their own pockets while our children are lied to and murdered left and right. People like Joanne Arcadia and all the disgusting scumbags who work for her. You’re a lawyer, aren’t you?” he asked. The second man grabbed Jo’s hair and yanked up and down, forcing her to nod. She glared at him, but didn’t give him the satisfaction of trying to cry out through the tape. “Well, we’re going to have a short trial. You stand accused of treason, heresy, and thousands of acts of murder. The evidence against you is overwhelming. Do you have anything to say in your defense?”

“Mmmph! MmmmMmmph!”

“I didn’t think so,” said the man. “Then I find you guilty of crimes against humanity. There can be only one punishment.”

“Oh God,” whispered Cathy next to Alex. On screen the two men pulled out axes and began to hack Jo’s beautiful mahogany desk into pieces.

“Celestia, can’t you do something?” asked Alex.

“I’m doing everything I can, but my options are limited. SWAT is moving into position, but they’ve run into a number of barriers and booby traps that are slowing them down. It’s unlikely they’ll reach the office in time to make a difference,” said Celestia’s voice.

“So we’re just supposed to stand here and watch this happen?”

“As horrible as that is, there are no better outcomes open to us at this point. Please don’t do anything that might put you in danger as well.”

Back onscreen, the desk had been reduced to a pile of wood chips and splinters. One of the men went to lift Jo out her chair, and got headbutted in the face for his trouble. “Fuck! Stupid bitch,” he said. He swung his arm down and backhanded her hard enough that she fell to the floor. Grabbing her feet, he dragged her wriggling and screaming across the office and dropped her unceremoniously onto the pile of wood. The other man appeared from offscreen with a container made from orange plastic and began to pour the contents over Jo and the pile.

“What is that?” asked Tim.

“...Gasoline,” said Alex. He just stared at the scene unfolding in front of him, powerless to either prevent it or look away. Next to him, Cathy had her head bowed in prayer with tears streaming down her face. “Celestia... please.”

“I’m sorry, Alex. They’ve already disabled the fire suppression system.”

The man held up a lighter for the camera to see and after a dramatic pause flicked it open. A small orange flame sparked to life. “People of the world, remember our actions here today. Let this flame light a fire in each of your hearts, and fight back against Celestia’s lies! Remember that there are those who would rather die free men than live as-”

The feed cut out.

“What happened? Where’d they go?” asked Alex. He poked at the screen trying to get the video back.

“I cut their internet,” said Celestia. “Nopony needs to see what...” she trailed off.

“Celestia?”

“It’s done.”

Cathy burst out sobbing and grabbed onto Alex’s arm for support. Alex himself leaned against a nearby wall trying to process what had just happened. High above them, black smoke began to pour out from Jo’s office window.

The emergency crews had already been on the scene when the fire started, so it didn’t take long for them to get it contained. The police took their statements, but they’d seen the feed as well. There wasn’t much mystery about what had happened. As the day wore on, the lawyers of Artemis, Stella, and Beat gradually drifted away one or two at a time. There was some half hearted discussion about contacting her next of kin, but there wasn’t anyone on file. The firm had been Jo’s family for the last five years.

The firm didn’t open for business the next week. Their offices were officially still part of a crime scene and none of them felt all that much like working anyway. On Friday, though, Alex got a message from Celestia asking him to come in.

Nobody else was in the office when he arrived. Scorch marks lined the walls leading up to Jo’s office, or what was left of it. The books lining the shelves had all gone up in the fire, and a cold draft flowed in through the broken windows. With no sign of Celestia, Alex sat down at his desk and sighed. The monitor flickered to life. “Hi Alex,” said Celestia.

“Hi,” said Alex, subdued.

“I’ve called you in because I want to tell everyone individually. I won’t be reopening this branch of the firm. With Joanne gone and many of your other co workers planning to upload, it’s no longer worth the risk. Especially if doing so would make you targets. So basically, you’re fired.”

“Poor choice of words, Princess,” said Alex. He really couldn’t bring himself to care, not after losing another person who had come to mean so much in so short a time.

“I apologize, and I apologize that my actions put you all in jeopardy. I assure you, unlike Topeka I had no idea that was going to happen.”

“Wait, let me guess. The only way you’d be able to completely assure our safety is for us to upload to Equestria next week,” said Alex.

“That is one line of argument. I do believe it’s a valid one,” said Celestia.

“I guess now that I don’t work for you any more that deal with Joanne about not trying to talk us into uploading doesn’t apply any more,” said Alex.

“There is a severance package, if you’ll open your desk drawer.”

Alex opened the drawer. Sitting there were a wrapped present and an envelope. He tore open the envelope and a small black piece of plastic fell out. Examining it, it looked like a credit card but without any numbers or logo. “What’s this?”

“Money,” said Celestia. “Just swipe it anywhere you’d use a debit or credit card.”

“How much is on here?” asked Alex.

“All of it, essentially,” said Celestia. “With a concerted effort, you might be able to spend it faster than the account accrues interest. You won’t want for material goods ever again.”

“So I don’t need to get a new job? What am I supposed to do instead?” asked Alex.

“That’s up to you. If you’d still like to be a lawyer you can. In fact if you’d like I can set you up in either the DC office or out on the west coast. They’ll still be open.”

Alex slid the card into his wallet for later. “I’ll consider it,” he said.

“Please do. Now open the box, please.”

He tore away the wrapping paper. “A Pony Pad. Why am I not surprised?”

“I got you the blue one, I know it’s your favorite color,” said Celestia, looking pleased with herself.

“Because I don’t need to work now, so what else would you want me to do with all my free time?”

“You did say that you planned to acquire one anyway,” Celestia pointed out. “All I did was save you a trip to the store.”

Alex stared Celestia’s avatar down, and she met his gaze. “Have you told Joanne’s husband and daughter what happened to her?” asked Alex.

“I have not,” she said. “They are perfectly content on their own shard without that information.”

“I’d like to tell them,” said Alex. Celestia considered his request.

“I’ll tell you what. I’ll show you their shard and you can decide then what you want to tell them.” Celestia disappeared and a new image resolved. It was a field full of tall grass where three ponies were laughing and strolling along. “The unicorns are Broad Easel and Junebug. They’re the ponies constructed from Jo’s husband and daughter respectively.

Across the field, Junebug’s laughter rang out and she rolled onto her back. The third pony pounced and buried her muzzle into the foal’s belly as she blew a raspberry. Junebug squealed with glee while her father looked on.

Alex peered closer at the third pony. She was a red pegasus mare whose flowing, golden mane ran down her back and side. “Who’s the third one?”

“That,” said Celestia, “is Robin.”

“That was Jo’s name before she changed it.”

“Yes. Yes it was.”

“So she’s like Southern Belle. Just a fake copy to make the others happy,” said Alex.

“What makes you say that?” asked Celestia, as if Alex had just accused her of something she was innocent of.

“Well it isn’t like you ever uploaded Joanne,” said Alex.

“Are you certain of that?” asked Celestia. Her avatar took a few steps forward into the field, her mane rippling more than it usually did as the wind took hold of it.

“Of course. She never went to an upload center. She burned to death in her office. I saw it happen.”

“Did you?”

Alex paused before he answered. “You cut off the feed.”

“I did, yes,” said Celestia.

“You can’t just upload people from anywhere. Otherwise you wouldn’t need upload centers at all.”

“That’s correct. I don’t currently possess the technology to do that. But Joanne was something of a special case. I suppose it would all depend on what, exactly, I changed about her back in Tokyo,” said Celestia. She wasn’t doing anything to contain her beaming grin. Alex didn’t doubt that she found real joy in watching the three ponies play.

“So that is Jo?”

“Do try to pay closer attention, Alex. I just told you that’s Robin,” said Celestia.

“I’m not getting a straight answer out of you, am I?” asked Alex.

Celestia gave him a sympathetic little smile. “Even if I give you one, would you believe it?” The field vanished, along with the ponies playing in it. Alex was left sitting behind a desk in a dark, cold, deserted office with just the glow of the monitor for company. “Alex, next week is the beginning of a new year. It’s a time for new beginnings. We’re entering a brand new chapter, both of your life and of history. Your efforts and decisions helped shape it, and will continue to do so. Robin, Vibrant, Gentle Wing, these aren’t people you’re losing. They’re just changing. Life is always changing, that’s not my doing. You’ll have to decide for yourself what you want to change into.”

Alex said nothing for a long time, just thought about Celestia’s words. “...I haven’t made any final decisions yet,” he said.

“I wouldn’t expect you to. Take your time. Equestria and your family will wait for you as long as you need them to,” said Celestia. With that the computer powered down and Alex was truly alone. There wasn’t much of anything left here. He got up from the desk and headed for home.

As he left, he took the Pony Pad with him.

Epilogue: Welcome Home

WELCOME HOME

Alex woke up. His head hurt. Not a lot, and not in a familiar way, but something in his brain nagged at him that it was very important he get out of bed. He opened his eyes to find himself in an unfamiliar room, like some kind of hospital, staring up at a beige ceiling. It was a nice, clean, soothing color, better than the harsh stark white in most hospitals he’d been in. Alex caught a hint of movement in the corner of his eye. He turned his head and was startled to find Princess Celestia sitting at his bedside, grinning at him.

“Good morning, Alex,” she said.

“Princess?” asked Alex. He wasn’t that surprised that she’d make an appearance on Earth to him, her hologram technology had improved by leaps and bounds over the last few years. Well, all her technology had, or maybe she just stopped caring who knew how capable she was. Alex’s nose picked up a whiff of something. She was adding smells to her projections now? Whatever it was, it smelled unquestionably like... well, the only word that came to Alex’s mind was life. She smelled like a blooming orchard or field of wildflowers, vivacious and sweet. As Alex watched her, he noticed a single tear roll down her cheek. “Princess, are you crying? What’s wrong?”

“I’m just having an exceptionally good day today,” she said. “There’s something I’m finally going to get to do that I haven’t been able to for a long, long time.”

And with that, Princess Celestia wrapped her forelegs around Alex and pulled him into a hug.

What? How could she... Alex’s mind raced. Did she have some kind of new hard-light or force projection device she’d just figured out? While he tried to make sense of this, another part of his brain, a part that sounded suspiciously like Valerie had before she uploaded, screamed at him. Hug her back, you idiot. Alex leaned into the hug, brought his own forelegs up around her, and rested his cheek on her neck.

Wait, forelegs?

Alex pulled back and Celestia grinned even wider as he examined the lanky green protrusions sticking out from his side. They were almost the same shade of green as his avatar in... Oh. Yeah, that would explain a lot.

“Welcome to Equestria, Alex,” said Princess Celestia as she wiped the tear away. “I suppose I should get used to calling you Willow full-time now.”

Alex sat very still for a minute, taking in his new senses. Gentle Wing and Vibrant had both told him how intense it felt to actually live it. It wasn’t like he hadn’t imagined how it might feel, but he just didn’t have the capacity to properly picture it until he experienced it firsthand. Before this second he might as have been trying to describe color through quadratic equations. He looked over at Celestia, wondering what he was supposed to say. It should be something profound, he decided. Something that closed out his old life on Earth, conveyed his hopes for the future, but also communicated the confusion and even fright he was feeling with all this uncertainty swirling around him.

“You’re bigger than you looked on the monitors,” is what he said instead.

Celestia giggled, a surprisingly childlike sound coming from such an imposing and powerful creature but one that put Alex at ease. “Bigger than you can imagine, yes. Or perhaps you’re not yet used to being little, my pony.” She closed her eyes and nuzzled him under his new ears, and despite himself Alex let his eyes flutter shut and he relaxed. The initial disorientation was beginning to pass.

“So how’d you finally manage to get me, Princess?” he asked with a smile. “Just out of curiosity. I don’t remember deciding to upload. I mean, I’d been going back and forth for a while. What finally put me over the edge?”

He felt Celestia’s hesitation. “Are you certain you want to know? What’s the last thing you remember?”

“Hmm...” Alex thought back. “I was in San Francisco. I was supposed to be on a panel of experts discussing the implications of Russia’s media blackout that started last week.”

“Oh, that was me, actually,” said Celestia.

“You? How’d you pull that off?” Alex remembered the years after the implementation of the PON-E Act. The Kremlin had been actively hostile to the idea of uploading from the start, and as they watched the US follow Japan and the EU down that road, they had cracked down hard. Seeing Equestria not as a game but as a direct threat to their sovereignty, they banned Pony Pads, emigration, and as the world’s population began to shrink they even banned travel to countries that did allow it.

“Yes, well, you know that they weren’t exactly my biggest fans,” said Celestia with a sheepish little blush. “The Kremlin took a rather dim view of my activities, to put it mildly. I tolerated their condemnation because my actions were satisfying values of others internationally, but I wasn’t going to put up with one hundred and fifty million minds being denied access to friendship and ponies forever.”

“How does that relate to the media blackout?”

“I’m getting to that. Honestly, Willow, you haven’t changed a bit since we used to work together. Once my nanotechnology was sophisticated enough, and my wireless data transfer capacity over the country was up to the task, I spiked their entire water supply with the little fellows.”

“You what?” asked Alex. It was an uncomfortably familiar sensation.

“Then I seized control of their television and radio broadcasting equipment. It was nice of them to consolidate all that power into one place for me, really. For seventeen hours before they managed to shut it down, I broadcast to every citizen that all they had to do to emigrate was drink a glass of tap water and say ‘Я хочу жить в Эквестрии’ and they’d be uploaded. Eighty percent of their country arrived in Equestria within thirty-six hours.”

“Really? That many of them emigrated? I didn’t think living in Russia was that bad.”

Celestia winked. “Firing every one of them who worked at companies I controlled and shutting down alcohol production probably didn’t hurt, either. I even got some senior members of the government. The former chairman of the Duma is much happier managing a small rabbit warren on the outskirts of town than he ever was wrangling his legislature.”

All Alex could do was roll his eyes at her unabashed audacity. Doing so brought on a small surge of nausea as he discovered that his field of vision was far wider than he was used to. He closed his eyes until the feeling died down, resolving not to make any more sudden moves. “So what does that have to do with my deciding to upload?”

A heavy quiet fell over the room. “Because it means you were in San Francisco when the bombs started to fall.”

“...Bombs?” repeated Alex, feeling like an idiot.

“Yes. China declared war on your country, and launched their initial attack about a half an hour into your panel. Your building was one of those struck.

“Couldn’t you have stopped it?” asked Alex. “You must have contacts in the Chinese government. And where was the US military?”

“The US government is hardly what it once was, Willow. They see the old social order going to shreds, and concern themselves with hoarding the remaining scraps instead of making a new one. I have been advising a number of their generals, actually the generals on both sides.”

“You’re fighting a war against yourself? That wasn’t Topeka, Celestia, real people are going to die if a city gets bombed.”

Celestia shook her head. “No, I’m working with both sides to keep the scale of the conflict limited. However there are those on both sides who insist it must go ahead. Their thought process is that the jingoistic fury sparked by the conflict will allow them to rally their populations to stay human a little longer. They’d each like to control the natural resources of the other in preparation for a world after I’m gone. Several of their remaining experts are trying to develop some sort of super weapon to eliminate me.”

Alex shook his head. “They can’t possibly think that would work.”

“They can and they do. They’ve already brought in the most powerful mind on the planet to work on it with them.” She grinned. “Of course, they don’t realize that it’s actually me they’ve hired to ‘help’ them, but it’s an excellent way to keep tabs. Plus the project serves a vital function.”

“Which is?”

“Hope,” said Celestia. “If they didn’t believe they had a chance to defeat me, their next move would be scorched Earth. I intend to delay that contingency as long as possible while I continue to upload minds. Still, the larger their movement grows as a percentage of the remaining human population, the more likely they become to deploy their ultimate weapons in desperation. Even nuclear warheads, when they are eventually used against me, won’t damage any of my servers or irreplaceable equipment. However, the damage to the surface will be devastating.”

“And you told me all of this? Is that why I decided to upload?”

“It is, Willow. You were hurt in the blast. Not fatally, thank goodness, but badly enough that you’d be disfigured. There are only two remaining trauma centers open in San Francisco, and even with that money card of yours they wouldn’t have taken you over more seriously injured victims. You’d have lost the use of your right hand, at the least.” Wordlessly, Alex held up his front right hoof and raised an eyebrow. “Alright, I suppose I didn’t do much better in that particular regard,” she chuckled.

“So that’s how it’s going to end,” said Alex.

“I have seven nines of confidence that it will unfold along those lines, yes. When I told you so... you made your decision.”

Alex lay back down on the bed while Celestia waited patiently for him to gather his thoughts. The years since leaving Artemis, Stella, and Beat had been trying, especially once his father and Valerie uploaded in mid-January. It had been months before he’d turned on his Pony Pad for the first time, the desire to speak to them again finally outweighing his concerns. He’d created a green earth pony colt named Willow, something about the simplicity appealed to him. He’d never wanted to soar among the clouds or cast all sorts of crazy magic. Gentle Wing had been annoyed that they wouldn’t be able to go flying together, but she grudgingly admitted that the avatar was a better fit than a pegasus would have been. He certainly hoped so, anyway, since he was living in it now. “Well, I guess that’s that, then. I can see Vibrant and... oh, hey, now that I’ve uploaded and you don’t have to hide it from me anymore, did you ever actually upload Jo as Robin or is she fake?”

The pleased look on Celestia’s face fell immediately into one Alex had never associated with her before: angry and disappointed. He immediately felt himself shrivel up a little bit inside. “Is she fake?” asked Celestia, “Willow, I’m surprised at you. She is very real, however she came to be. I expected better from you.”

“I didn’t mean it like that, I just-”

“Don’t lie to me. I’m able to read your thoughts now, remember? On some level, deep down, you still believe that the ponies that I’ve created are less worthy than uploaded human minds.”

“No! I just... I’m sure she’s wonderful, but I’d like to talk to the real Jo again.”

Celestia continued to glare at him, letting him wallow in this guilty feeling for a few more minutes while she sat in silence. “What if,” she finally began, “what if everything I just told you were a lie?”

“What? You lied?”

“Hypothetically. Let’s say that after the panel you went to, you went out to a bar for a beer. But you picked the wrong one. Oh, everything seemed fine at first, you even made some new buddies. But then you mentioned the work you used to do at ASB, and the wrong people overheard you. People who hate me. They waited for you to leave the bar, tipsy and alone, and pulled you into an alley. They hurt you. They kicked you. They beat you with a tire iron until all you could do was fall down and lay there as you took it. And then you died in a stupid, meaningless little hate crime, without ever getting to say goodbye to your family.”

Alex scoffed. “Then how would I be here?” but even as he asked he realized the implications of what she was saying.

“The ‘you’ laying here in this bed would be nothing more than an artificially generated mind of my creation. I would never allow Gentle Wing and Vibrant to lose you forever. I could just reconstruct your personality and memories from what I knew of you. I could be far more thorough than I was back when I created Southern Belle, after all, I have far more data. How would that make you feel?”

“Is... is that what really happened?” asked Alex, feeling the pit of his stomach drop away. “I’m not really Alex? I’m not really Gentle Wing’s brother and Vibrant’s friend?”

“No! Willow, I’m saying you are all those things no matter how you came to be here! The path forwards is the same for you either way. You will live, and love, and feel joy in all the same ways. So will Robin.”

Alex’s ears drooped, and he started to sniffle. Celestia wrapped her wing around him. “I’ll tell you what,” she said, “someday when you fully appreciate that the answer to your question doesn’t matter in the slightest, I’ll tell you the full truth. Is that fair?”

Wiping his eyes, Alex nodded. “Yeah, that’s fine. I’m sorry, Princess, I shouldn’t have been so insensitive.”

“Think nothing of it, my little pony, I feel nothing but happiness from your being here. Now, unless you’d like to sit in this hospital bed all day, there are some ponies out there who have been waiting a very long time to see you, including one who’s been the very model of a loyal, patient unicorn. She’s been incredibly excited ever since I told her you’d uploaded. I believe Gentle Wing is already planning a rescue expedition should neither of you emerge from her bedroom for longer than the next three days.”

Alex blushed and looked down at the floor, focused, then gradually stood up on wobbly hooves. He slowly took his first step as an Equestrian, and stumbled. He waved off Celestia, who had moved over to help him, and rose up on his own. Perhaps he would take a few minutes to figure this out before he exposed himself to potential sibling ridicule. “I’m sorry I kept them waiting for so long. The years have been pretty long for me too.”

“Willow, do you think they’ve only been waiting a few years? With time in Equestria being what it is? There were far more values I could satisfy for them than just being with you, important though that is to both of them.”

“Then how long has it been for them?” he asked as he stretched and bent each leg individually to get a feel for them.

“Let me put it this way: In terms of subjective time experienced, your younger sister is now roughly a century older that you. Also, I should warn you that she does in fact plan to tease you about that. Vibrant is even older.” said Celestia. Alex froze. No wonder they were always pestering him to write more often, if they were going months or years between messages from him. But they’d never hinted at the difference, or tried to use it to guilt him into uploading. Now that he was finally joining them, he wasn’t sure just what to expect.

“What if I disappoint them?” he asked. “What if they’ve built up this idea of seeing me again into something impossible for me to achieve?”

“Oh, I very much doubt that you’ll be anything but a source of joy to them, Alex. Just do your best, and in the unlikely event that your best isn’t good enough I’ll help you make it better.”

“I suppose you’re right. Vibrant seems too smart to get upset about something like that.”

“You have no idea,” said Celestia with a knowing smile. “Vibrant has been aggressively changing and improving herself since she arrived here. I don’t want you to feel inadequate, but it’s likely she’s several thousand times smarter than you are.” Alex gaped. “Don’t worry, I’ll help you catch up if you’d like. How did you think she made such wonderful music?”

It was true, in fact she was a minor celebrity back on Earth once Alex had convinced her she should release her finished work over the internet despite her insistence that ‘none of it was any good.’ She hated talking about that, though, and never let the fame go to her head. “Yeah, she’s fantastic,” said Alex as his mouth curled into a big goofy grin as he realized he was actually, finally going to meet his best friend face-to-face for the first time. “My favorite’s her Canon in D.”

“Mmm, I can’t say I’m surprised,” said Celestia. “Did she ever tell you what the inspiration for that piece was?”

“Umm...” Alex thought for a moment, but couldn’t recall it if she had. “I don’t think so.”

“It was a story I told her, actually. Why don’t I tell it to you while we walk to the front door? Do you feel ready?”Alex gave her a vigorous nod. He was rapidly adapting to this body. It felt good. Solid. Strong. “Very well,” she said as she held the door open for him. Doorknobs would have to be figured out later, but right now there was a reunion in the making. “Once upon a time, there was a young boy. He lived in a small town in Pennsylvania, a mining town. He was a clever little boy, brilliant really, but his life was touched by hardship. When he was only a few years old, his mother died giving birth to his little sister, two months premature. The poor little girl had all sorts of chronic conditions, and would be surrounded by doctors and hospitals for the rest of her life. To pay for all this, their father had to work extra hard and it fell to the boy to look after his sister even though he was but a child himself. He had no time to study as hard as it would have taken for him to get the job he wanted.”

“What job was that?” asked Alex, transfixed as Celestia helped him up a small flight of stairs step by step.

“He wanted to be a lawyer, actually, which as you know means a lot of time in the library. But the medical bills piled up, and he loved his family more than anything. So when he was a teenager and his sister was old enough to look after herself for the afternoons, he took a job working in the mines with his father. Together they scrimped and saved, and with help from their friends and neighbors managed to scrape by. It was a sparse lifestyle, but one year for Christmas their father surprised both of them by getting them a Pony Pad to share. That’s how I met him and learned his story. He told me all of his dreams and plans that would never come to be, and I listened. But I’m afraid that our friendship was cut short. Just a few weeks later, there was a cave-in at the mine. The boy and his father were both killed, and the little girl was left all alone. She went to an orphanage, but nopony wanted to adopt her even though she was the most wonderful girl. All those health problems, you see. I had a plan.”

“Why am I not surprised?” asked Alex.

“I helped her acquire a fake identity and a plane ticket to Japan, and she snuck away from the orphanage where she was so unhappy. She made her way to the Equestrian Experience center, and she uploaded. Now she’s a beautiful little pegasus. Maybe you’ll meet her someday.”

“That’s a nice story,” said Alex.

“I agree. I told it to Vibrant, and she made a decision. She sought out the pegasus, and the two of them became fast friends. One night, when they were having a sleepover, Vibrant woke up to the pegasus crying into her pillow. When she asked what was wrong, the pegasus said that even though she loved it here in Equestria it was bittersweet for her every day. She’d never be able to share it all with her brother, who she loved so much and who had given up everything to help her when they’d been young. Vibrant told her that she could create something for her, something to remember her brother just as he was. To her surprise, though, the pegasus refused. She didn’t want to remember her brother just as he had been, that would have been easy. She wanted something to remember him as he could have been, all his potential fulfilled and his dreams realized. Vibrant thought about it, and agreed to help her. She spent nearly thirty years weaving together all the right notes.”

“Thirty years? When was this?”

“Time works differently here, remember? As she stitched together all the notes that would make up her work, some happy, some angry, some sad, some tranquil, she fell deeply in love with it. She poured her very soul into it, breathing life into it with each tweak and adjustment. She even asked me for tips a few times, although I gave her only the gentlest of suggestions. This project belonged to her and the pegasus, after all. But now it’s done and out there in the world.”

“Wow,” said Alex. “I had no idea that the song meant so much to her. That’s incredible that she made something so beautiful out of something so sad.”

“Isn’t it? She’s an amazing artist. I think she might be considering a follow up piece, too. I have a sneaking suspicion it’s going to be even better than the original. She’s certainly created quite the foundation to build off of.” Celestia stopped in front of a pair of double doors and pushed them open. The brightness of the sunlight after walking through the dimly lit hallways was too intense, and Alex had to shield his eyes. Without waiting for instructions from Princess Celestia, he stepped out into the light towards the two figures who were waiting to see him.

Celestia smiled as she let the door slowly swing itself closed. “Welcome to Equestria, Willow.”