Gamblers and Drunkards
--or--
The Cutie Mark Crusaders go to Las Pegasus
Original concept written and edited by Shanenator
Special effects courtesy of Michael Bay
Preread by Carpe Diem
*****
“Are you sure this is a good idea, Scootaloo?” the nervous voice of a certain white unicorn filly petulantly inquired.
Said pegasus in question simply scoffed and tossed her head before affixing Sweetie Belle with a confident gaze. “Of course this is a good idea! It’s a totally AWESOME idea! Look, it says RIGHT HERE in the ‘Great and Powerful Book of 101 Magic Tricks’ that this trick is a classic! All the good magicians do it! How are we supposed to get our Cutie Marks in magic if we can’t even do the classics??”
Sweetie Belle gulped before relenting. “O-ok then…i-if you’re sure this is safe…”
A certain bow-wearing filly piped up. “O’ course it’s safe! Th’ book’s got a picture an’ everythin’! Don’t y’all worry ‘bout a thing Sweetie Belle, we know what we’re doin’.”
Sweetie Belle gulped again and looked down. She was currently lying inside of a wooden purple box on a table, complete with gaudy crescent moon and star decorations. Her head stuck out of one side and her hind legs dangled out of the other. Her cheeky pegasus friend stood on her left, wearing a silly magician’s hat and cape that matched the patterns on the box. To her right was Apple Bloom, who for some reason had been convinced to wear a rather revealing pink dress complete with a tutu. Strange, she didn’t quite remember that discussion.
As if Apple Bloom was reading her mind, she spoke up. “Scoots, why do Ah gotta wear this frou-frou thing again??”
Scootaloo rolled her eyes in frustration. “Because Bloom, it says RIGHT HERE in the book that every good magician needs a glamorous assistant! C’mon you guys, weren’t you paying attention at all? I read the whole book last night, I know what I’m doing, ok??”
Apple Bloom snickered. “Ohhh did ya? That would explain why y’all looked like ya seen the Olden Pony or somethin’ this mornin’.”
Scootaloo harrumphed loudly but said no more. Reaching beneath the table, she pulled out a large hacksaw, its blade gleaming malevolently in the midday sun. “Enough talk! Let’s get crusading! Ready Apple Bloom?”
“Ready!”
“Ready Sweetie Belle?”
Sweetie Belle gulped again but nodded. “R-r-ready…”
“Ok then, let’s do this!” Scootaloo winked at Sweetie Belle as Apple Bloom grabbed the other side of the hacksaw in her mouth and the two of them started to cut through the wooden box. “Just sit back and relax, Sweetie Belle. It’s all in the sleight of hoof! Says so in the book.”
Sweetie Belle closed her eyes and tried not to think about what could happen, instead listening to the tell-tale, albeit soothing, sound of a saw hacking through wood. Scootaloo and Apple Bloom were her best friends in the whole, wide world! She could trust them! …Right?
Suddenly, there was a sharp pain in her abdomen, and her eyes shot wide open.
“Aaaggh! That hurts, that hurts!!”
“Oh Celestia! Scoots, what’s goin’ on? Why is there so much blood??”
“Stop it, stop it, stop cutting!!”
“I-I don’t know Apple Bloom! We did everything by the book!”
“We gotta do somethin’! She’s bleedin’ all over the place!”
“H-hang on Sweetie Belle, we’ll get help!”
“AAAAAAIIIIIII—”
*****
“—IIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!”
Sweetie Belle jolted awake and sat bolt upright in bed, her eyes huge and her pupils shrunk to the size of pinpricks. Staring straight ahead of her, the only sound audible in the room was her ragged breathing as she tried to calm herself down. It was just a dream…it was just a dream…
Subconsciously, Sweetie reached a hoof down to feel her stomach. Still in one piece. No massive cuts or injuries. Releasing a sigh of relief, Sweetie Belle wiped the cold sweat from her forehead. She had been having some pretty crazy dreams recently. It didn’t help that Scootaloo’s wild plans kept getting stranger and more dangerous. Why couldn’t they ever do something she suggested, like pillow testing or flower sniffing?
But then again, Scootaloo did have a reason for being so reckless. Sweetie Belle and her two best friends had been trying for months to get their Cutie Marks, but no matter what nothing worked! It was like they were destined to be ‘Blank Flanks’ forever! With every passing day, the feeling that the three fillies had tried everything, and without success, grew stronger and stronger.
Suddenly, Sweetie’s bedroom door opened and her older sister Rarity poked her head in. “Sweetie dear, is something the matter? I thought I heard screaming from downstairs. Are you alright?”
Sweetie Belle had jumped at the sudden noise, but quickly sighed in relief as she answered. “Yeah, I’m fine sis. Just another bad dream.” She paused for a moment and took a quick sniff of the air. Was that…what she thought it was? “Hey sis, is that…pancakes I smell?”
At that, Rarity’s face broke into a wide grin. “But of course it is! I wanted to treat my dear sister whom I love so much to a wonderful breakfast before our big trip! Now come along, while it’s still hot! I have to get back to packing…”
“Yay!!” Sweetie Belle squeaked adorably, clamoring out of her bed and practically stampeding down the stairs.
*****
Mere moments later, Sweetie Belle was seated at the kitchen table happily munching down some of Rarity’s delicious pancakes. Her mind drifted to her friends, and what they had planned for today. As they did every day during summer vacation, they would be meeting at the clubhouse to discuss their daily plans. But given the recent trend of things, they would probably spend an hour or two arguing over what to do before deciding on some reckless and totally-not-safe scheme to get their Cutie Marks. Sweetie Belle sighed. What did it take to get one’s Cutie Mark??
Her thoughts were interrupted as Rarity skidded into the kitchen and began frantically searching the various cupboards and drawers. “Hmm, let’s see now…do I pack ten brushes, four scarves, three hats, eight bottles of shampoo, and seven dresses or twelve brushes, two scarves, four hats, ten bottles of shampoo, and six dresses? Oooh, decisions, decisions!!”
Sweetie Belle gave her sister a confused look. “Rarity, since when do you look for any of those things in the kitchen?”
Rarity started and whirled around to face her sister before she remembered that there was indeed supposed to be another pony in the house. “Oh yes, well. I keep brushes stashed all over the Boutique in case of brush emergency.”
Sweetie Belle stared at her sister. “Brush emergency?” she asked in a deadpan voice.
“But of course! What if I’m having a simply DREADFUL mane day, and a very important client just so happens to walk in the front door, hm? Why, that would simply be the. Worst. Possible! THING!!”
Sweetie’s unimpressed stare lingered. “Well, it’s important to me,” Rarity continued, pawing at her mane with a forehoof as she was wont to do. “Let’s just say it’s a little trick I picked up from my dear friend Pinkie Pie.”
As if speaking of her friends suddenly jarred her memory concerning the urgency of their schedule, her eyes widened and she hastened out of the room, cries of “oh no! There simply isn’t enough time!!” echoing in her wake.
Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes and sighed again. That was another thing: her sister and her friends were going on a weeklong trip to Las Pegasus. It sounded like a really fun place, and she had been most upset to learn she couldn’t come along. She would miss her sister, but at least there would be one positive thing concerning this whole trip. Since her parents were still touring the Far Neighst, she would get to spend an entire week with Apple Bloom on the farm. That will be fun, it’ll be like one big sleepover!!
Upon finishing her breakfast, Sweetie Belle carefully washed her dishes and set them aside to dry. Exiting the kitchen, her eyes widened as they beheld an absolute MOUNTAIN of bags piled in the main room. Suddenly, Rarity’s voice emanated from…somewhere.
“Oh, Sweetie Belle there you are! Finished with breakfast?”
Not taking her eyes off the perilously stacked luggage Sweetie replied, “yeah, thanks for the pancakes, sis. They were really good.”
“Oh it was no problem at all dear! Just my way of adding a little extra goodbye for my dear sister. Whom I love very much.” Rarity’s head suddenly poked out of the pile of luggage, and she daintily stepped out. “I suppose you’re off to see your friends now, hmm?”
Sweetie nodded. “Yep! Another day of crusading awaits!” She reached forward to accept her older sister’s hug. “I’m gonna miss you, sis…”
“I’ll miss you too, but I’m sure we’re both going to have lots of fun. Besides! It’s only a week. What could possibly happen? We’ll be seeing each other again before we know it! Now run along Sweetie Belle, I’m sure your friends are waiting.”
Sweetie Belle reluctantly pulled away and headed for the door. “Bye sis! Have a fun trip!”
“I will! You be a proper lady at Apple Bloom’s!” Rarity called as the door opened.
Sweetie rolled her eyes once again. “I will! Bye!” And with that, she headed out into the bright sunshine.
*****
“There you are, Sweetie Belle! What took you so long? I’ve been waiting ages for you two to show up!”
Sweetie Belle stepped into the clubhouse to find a rather exasperated pegasus filly giving her the evil eye. “Sorry, Scoots. I was saying goodbye to Rarity. She and her friends are going to Las Pegasus for a week.”
Scootaloo looked thoughtful for a moment. “Oh, is that this week? My bad, I forgot about that. But hey, that means we have a whole week to goof around without any adults! This will be totally AWESOME!! I’ve got a whole bunch of ideas we should try out…” her voice petered off and she looked behind Sweetie Belle with an inquisitive glare. “Hey, where’s Apple Bloom?”
“Right here,” a certain familiar drawl answered. Not a moment later, Apple Bloom herself entered the clubhouse.
Scootaloo heaved a relieved sigh. “Finally! Tied up saying goodbye to Applejack?”
“Y’all could say that. Now what’s this ‘bout new ideas?”
“Oh, yeah! I’ve been doing some reading recently, and with the adults gone for a week we can try out some truly radical stunts! Like sky diving and downhill skiing and cliff jumping and tight-rope walking and deep-sea diving and…”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa! Scoots, Ah don’t think we’re qualified ta do any o’ that. Not ta mention we don’t have th’ right equi…eka…stuff. We need ta think of somethin’ simpler.”
“Aw, I suppose you’re right…” Scootaloo rubbed her chin in thought for a moment or two before her face lit up. “Ah-ha! I saw a book in the library the other day about magic tricks! There was this really cool one where a magician cuts another pony in half, and then puts them back together! How totally AWESOME is that??”
“NO!!!” Sweetie Belle screamed, the sudden urgency in her voice prompting both of her friends to give her funny looks.
“Uhh…somethin’ wrong Sweetie Belle? You seem rather…uh, distre…distur…upset.”
Sweetie Belle looked from one confused face to the other, debating what exactly to say. “Uhh…let’s just say that I have a REALLY bad feeling about this one. That may or may not be due to a dream I had last night. But I’m serious: no magic.”
Her friends looked put out, but allowed the subject to drop. “Well, shoot,” Scootaloo piped up. “You guys shot down all my good ideas. I’m out.”
“What, ya run out o’ books?” Scootaloo started at that statement and shot Apple Bloom a glare. “Say, Scoots…Ah didn’t take ya ta be a bookworm, why ya spendin’ so much time at th’ library recently?”
“Uhh…n-no reason, I just…y’know…I’m trying to come up with ideas! We’ve tried so much and still don’t have our Cutie Marks! I figured a little extra research wouldn’t hurt, that’s all,” Scootaloo answered, a slight blush on her face.
“Uh-huh, sure,” Sweetie Belle chimed in, reveling in the sight of their normally brash friend backpedaling. “Well regardless, I don’t have any ideas either. We’ve tried everything it seems. It’s impossible to get a Cutie Mark! Why does life have to be so…so…ironic??”
“Sweetie Belle, Ah’m not sure that word means what ya think it does.”
“Oh, don’t you start,” Sweetie Belle huffed, crossing her forelegs in annoyance.
Apple Bloom smirked but did not pursue the issue. “Ah wish we could go along with Applejack an’ her friends. Ah overheard her talkin’ earlier ‘bout adult things like ‘gambling’ and ‘drinking’ and ‘exotic dancing’ that y’all can do in Las Pegasus. Ah don’t think we’ve tried any o’ those.”
“Yeah,” Scootaloo added sadly. “Maybe that’s what we’re destined to be good at after all. Aw man, we’re gonna be Blank Flanks until we’re adults!” she lamented pathetically.
Suddenly, Sweetie Belle looked thoughtful. “Hang on girls, I’ve got an idea! Maybe we can tag along after all…”
*****
A loud hissing of steam and the creaking of rusty wheels signaled the arrival of another train at Las Pegasus Central Station. The doors slid open and a certain group of mares stepped out.
“Wow…Ah been ta Manehatten an’ all, but this here’s somethin’ else…” Applejack said in awe, her gaze casting over the brilliant flashing lights, tall buildings, and neon signs that were commonplace in Las Pegasus.
“Isn’t it simply amazing darling? I’ve read all about it of course, but I’ve never had the opportunity to explore such an amazing locale myself. Oooh, this is going to be smashing!!” Rarity said excitedly, clopping her hooves together as her overlarge hat swayed on her head.
“OMIGOSH! Look at that fountain over there! And OMIGOSH! That building is so shiny! And OMIGOSH!! These ponies look like they’re ready to PAAAARTYY!”
Her friends giggled good-naturedly at Pinkie’s antics before Twilight, naturally, took charge. “Alright, girls! I’ve got our week all planned out, and right now I thought we should go check out the biggest casino in town. What do you all say, ready to go?”
“Aw, yeah! Now that’s what I call a good time!”
“Um…yes, that sounds okay…”
“Party time, here we come!!”
“Sounds jest fine ta me, sugarcube.”
Rarity was just about to chorus her assent when one of the bellboys cleared his throat behind her. “Um, excuse me, Miss Rarity? What would you like us to do with your…um, luggage?”
Rarity looked behind her to see a multitude of bags piled on top of a trolley with two exhausted-looking bellboys panting nearby. “Oh, just take it to our hotel room, dear. And do be careful, I need everything in those bags you know.”
The bellboy resisted the urge to roll his eyes and bowed smartly. “Of course, madam. It will be waiting for you when you return.”
“Thank you so kindly gents. Alright then girls, off we go!” And with that, the six mares headed off down the street, eager to let the good times roll. The bellboys, meanwhile, pushed and heaved against the towering pile of luggage, slowly rolling it towards the hotel.
Unseen by either the older mares or the bellboys, one of the bags unzipped itself from the inside, and three small fillies hopped out. “Wow! This place is so totally AWESOME!!” Scootaloo said excitedly once they were a good distance away from the bellboys.
“Yeah, it sure is somethin’…” Apple Bloom said in awe, the many lights of the city reflecting off of her huge eyes.
“C’mon girls!” Sweetie Belle squeaked excitedly. “We’ve got to stick to the plan! Let’s go find Rarity and the others. I think they went that way!”
“Cutie Mark Crusaders Sister Stalkers!! YAY!!”
And with that, the three fillies galloped off in the direction the six mares had left in.
*****
Las Pegasus sure was something. It was awfully crowded too, but thankfully Rarity and her friends stood out like a pink-and-yellow tree in an apple orchard thanks to a certain bouncing ball of pink energy. Slinking through the crowds largely unnoticed, the three fillies paused as the adults stopped in front of a massive building that simply glowed from the amount of lights on it. Each of the six mares presented some sort of card thing to the two burly, well-dressed stallions at the door, and one by one they filed inside.
Once the mares were out of sight, the three fillies crept forward and hesitantly approached the front doors. One of the tuxedoed, sunglasses-wearing earth ponies spotted them and stepped in front of the door. “Ahem. Sorry girls, but I can’t let you in here. Adults only.”
“Awwww…” the three of them chorused. “For real?” Apple Bloom added.
“Afraid so. Trust me girls, you don’t want anything to do with this place until you’re older. MUCH older. So run along now.”
The three fillies had one more trick up their sleeves, however. Each of them turning their cuteness factors up to maximum, the trio affixed the two stallions with their strongest puppy-eyes yet.
The stallion simply smiled and tapped his sunglasses. “Sorry girls, but that’s why we wear these babies. Anti-cuteness sunglasses, they’re standard issue now. Come back in five years or so.”
The three fillies sighed and dejectedly headed off. “Well, that was a bust,” Scootaloo muttered under her breath. “We’re never gonna get our Cutie Marks now!!”
“Yeah,” Sweetie Belle added dejectedly. “We might as well go home.”
“Oh, c’mon now. That ain’t th’ crusadin’ spirit! We gotta get in there! All we need is a plan,” Apple Bloom said forcefully.
“What’s the point?” Scootaloo asked, frowning. “You heard the guy, we don’t want anything to do with that place.”
“He was just sayin’ that! Ah bet ponies get their Cutie Marks all th’ time in such places! It’s probably just some secret that they try ta guard. We have ta try, we have ta! What have we got to lose? What could possibly go wrong??”
The other two girls looked thoughtful and Apple Bloom pressed her point further. “We’ve come too far ta turn back now. Y’all know how many times we’ve tried an’ failed ta get our Cutie Marks. This could be our big chance. Ah never knew you girls ta turn down a challenge before…”
That sold them. Their expressions hardened into masks of determination, and Scootaloo spoke up. “Alright we’re in. But we still have to deal with the guards…”
Apple Bloom’s face creased in a devious smile. “Chin up girls, Ah know how we can get in. Sweetie Belle, ya brought yer allowance, right?”
Sweetie Belle grinned. “Yup! What do you have in mind?”
Apple Bloom rubbed her forehooves together mischievously as the three fillies huddled together. “It’s simple. All we gotta do is get them sunglasses off an’ disguise our flanks an’ we’ll be home free. We’re gonna need three trenchcoats an’ a camera…”
*****
Three tan trenchcoats and an old-fashioned camera later, the three fillies once again stood in front of the massive, glittering building. The stallions guarding the doors noticed their approach and smiled as they shook their heads. “Picked up some accessories, did you?”
“Sure did!” Apple Bloom said happily. “Long story, but it was loads o’ fun. We also got this neat-o camera so we can remember our trip. We’ve been retracin’ our steps ever since, so here we are! Whaddaya say, one quick picture fer us? Pleaaaase??”
The stallions glanced at each other, but failed to suppress their grins. “Oh, very well. One picture.”
“Yay!!” the three fillies chanted adorably. Scootaloo and Apple Bloom ran over to stand next to the stallions while Sweetie Belle readied the camera.
“Say cheese!!”
“CHEEEESE!!” Scootaloo and Apple Bloom said excitedly. The two stallions, their faces as deadpan as ever, did not react. However, they both blinked their eyes right as the camera flashed. Despite wearing sunglasses, bright flashes could potentially impair one’s vision. It was standard operating procedure.
And it would be their fatal mistake.
Quick as a flash, Scootaloo and Apple Bloom jumped up and snatched the sunglasses off of the stallions’ faces. “Hey! You give that…back…” One of the stallions turned and got a faceful of Apple Bloom’s puppy-eyes. He immediately felt his heart begin to melt.
“Urk…Broad…do something…” However, the other stallion was experiencing a similar fate at Scootaloo’s hooves, and he was powerless to help his friend. Somehow, the first stallion wrenched his gaze away from an adorable Apple Bloom, but oh how cruel fate can be. His eyes fell upon Sweetie Belle, still holding the camera and making the most adorable face yet. That was it, he was finished.
The two stallions groaned simultaneously and collapsed in a heap, gurgling incoherently. The three fillies shared a quick high-hoof. Apple Bloom relieved the closest stallion of a spare pair of sunglasses and tossed them to Sweetie Belle. “Well, girls. Looks like these guys…” she put on the sunglasses. “…Are D’AWWWn for.”
Inexplicably, a group of drunk ponies across the street suddenly shouted “YEEEAAAAHHH!!” The three fillies shared a confused glance before stepping through the grand double doors.
*****
Casinos always attracted strange ponies, and since this was the biggest and best casino in Las Pegasus that statement held true even more so. Still, in all his days of greeting guests that walked through those glamorous double doors, Cobalt Shine had never seen this before. Coincidentally, what happened to be the two-hundredth group to enter that night appeared to be three fillies wearing tan trenchcoats, sunglasses, and smug smiles. One of them had a camera draped around her neck.
Stepping forward, he cleared his throat. “Ahem! Welcome to Royals’ Hotel and Casino! However, I must inquire…you seem a bit, ah, young to be admitted to a casino…”
Apple Bloom immediately locked a fiery gaze onto him. “Geez, give us midgets a hard time some more why don’cha?? We got carded at th’ door fer pony’s sake! So if you’ll EXCUSE us, we’re gonna go get our…Ah mean, have a good time.” She turned around and winked at her friends, who in turn were doing their best not to crack up at the face of utter shock and horror the blue unicorn wore.
“Oh…I…erm, please, do excuse my intrusion, I did not mean to pry! Of course the bouncers would have let you through with proper identification. Well in that case, congratulations! You are the two-hundredth group to step through those doors tonight! Please accept a drink, courtesy of the house.” As he spoke, a serving pony stepped forward with three cocktails on a tray.
“Well, thanks!” Apple Bloom said, sounding surprised. She swiped one of the drinks from the tray and her friends did the same. “’Bout time somepony showed some respect. Thanks, mister! C’mon girls, let’s go explore!” The three fillies bounded off into the casino, sipping their drinks appreciatively. Nonetheless, Cobalt Shine couldn’t shake the feeling that something was…off about them. It was time to go have a chat with the door staff…
*****
“Boy, these drinks are great! I wonder what’s in them?” Scootaloo asked as they walked through the casino’s main room, marveling at the sheer amount of bright lights, strange noises, and happy ponies.
“Ah dunno, but it sure ain’t anythin’ Ah’ve ever tasted before. It’s good though. Nice ‘n fruity.”
“Sooo, what do you guys want to try first?” Sweetie Belle asked cautiously, looking around at the various activities ponies were currently engaging in.
“Hey, look over there! They have an arcade here! AWESOME!!” Scootaloo shouted excitedly, bounding over to a room full of what appeared to be arcade machines. Sure enough, the bright flashing consoles and electronic beeping sounds seemed quite promising.
“Hey, Scoots! Wait fer us!”
*****
Shining Star was NOT having a good day. Her coltfriend left her for another mare, her boss docked her pay, and the taxpony showed up on her doorstep demanding money. So where does a mare in Las Pegasus go to drown her sorrows? The casinos of course! But to top everything off, Shining Star was about two hundred bits down at the slot machines. The SLOT MACHINES. She was usually great at these things! She often walked out of the room several hundred bits richer. Why couldn’t she play today??
She chalked it up to stress. With a depressed sigh, she slid another bit into the machine and watched the symbols whiz tantalizingly before her eyes. Carefully watching the large red sevens, she pulled the lever. Sure enough, the leftmost wheel stopped on the seven. But that was always the easiest one. She pulled again. The center wheel slowly ground to a halt, stopping on the second red seven.
Shining Star’s breathing accelerated. This could be it! This could be the round where she finally turns things around! Staring intently at the last wheel through an alcohol-induced haze, she pulled the lever a final time. Slowly, ever so slowly the wheel began to grind to a halt…there! The seven was heading into the spot! It was going to stop on the seven!!
Shining Star’s heart soared, but before she could even shout in celebration a bright red skull flashed on the screen and cackled maniacally. The wheel started to spin again, this time stopping on a picture of a golden bit.
Her eye twitched. Sighing in frustration, she downed her tenth beer and chucked it in the general direction of the trash can. Looking angrily about the room, her expression turned to one of surprise at what she saw next. What appeared to be three young trenchcoat-wearing sunglasses-donning fillies were staring at the machines with interest and talking animatedly among themselves. “Hmph. Midgets these days,” she harrumphed bad-naturedly to herself. However, she couldn’t help but eavesdrop a bit on their strange conversation.
“Huh. I’ve never seen this game before, what do you suppose it is?” the orange one asked her friends.
“Ah dunno. Just give it a try an’ see what it does,” the yellow one said.
“Okay then. Can I have a bit, Sweetie?”
“Sure!” The little white one handed her friend a single gold coin. The orange filly popped the bit in and watched as the wheels began to spin.
“Ooooohh,” the three said in unison. They watched the wheels spin for a few moments before giving each other confused looks.
“Okay…so is something supposed to happen now?” the orange one inquired, the impatience clear in her voice.
“Hey Scoots, what do ya suppose this here lever does?”
“Oh, I didn’t see that. Here, let me try.” The orange one grabbed the lever and yanked on it. With a soft *ding* the leftmost wheel slowly ground to a stop, a picture of a pair of cherries on the screen. “Well, that was a bust.”
“No it wasn’t Scoots, look! The three wheels all have different symbols on them. I think you’re supposed to pull the lever three times and match the symbols to win,” the white one explained.
“Ohhhh…” her two friends echoed in understanding.
Oh, this was going to be good. Shining Star was thankful for this new source of entertainment. A bunch of first-time newbies trying their hooves at the slot machines? They were going to lose a TON of money. This would certainly make her feel better. Cracking open another beer, Shining Star settled back to watch the show.
The orange one pulled the lever two more times, and all three of the symbols came up different. “Aw ponyfeathers, I lost! Gimme another bit Sweetie.” Her second attempt ended just like the first. So did the third. On her fourth however, she managed to match up three cherry symbols.
“Alright, I finally won!!”
“Great job Scoots! …What happens now Ah wonder?”
As if in response, three bits came tumbling out of the machine. The fillies’ eyes went wide. “Oh cool! You get money for winning! AWESOME!!” the orange one enthused.
But five tries later, ‘Scoots’ hadn’t managed a single match. Shining Star was beside herself! She was grateful the three midgets were facing away from her, otherwise they would’ve surely noticed her convulsions of silent laughter. Her grin grew wider as the yellow one spoke up.
“Here Scoots, lemme try. Ah’ll bet with all th’ ‘psychic powers’ practice Ah did on th’ farm that one time, this’ll be easy as pie! Three bits please, Sweetie Belle. Watch the master, girls.”
Striding confidently over to the machines, the yellow one put one bit into three different slots, sending three sets of wheels spinning. Shining Star let out a guffaw of laughter. It was too much! Three slots at once, she’s GOT to be kidding!!
“See girls, it’s all ‘bout what feels right. Ya just gotta pull it when ya think th’ time is right. Like now!” she said excitedly, yanking the middle lever. “And now! And now! Now, now, now and now!” As Apple Bloom leaped about the machines, pulling the levers at random, Shining Star fell off her seat in laughter. Thankfully, the *ding*s of the machines and the cheers of her friends concealed her raucous laughter.
“All right Apple Bloom, you did it!!” a squeaky voice enthused. Wait a second…did what??
Shining Star turned around and her eyes nearly bugged out of her head. All three. ALL THREE MACHINES had a flashing trio of bright red sevens on their displays. What…? How could…? She didn’t…WHAT???
The fillies’ cheering was interrupted by the sound of clinking coins and a slight rumbling sound. Suddenly, without warning, all three machines literally started to spew gold coins across the room, pinging off of the fillies and the opposite wall. The fillies screamed in a mix of terror and delight as they were engulfed by a veritable tidal wave of gold coins and swept off of their hooves, impacting the opposite wall with a trio of dull *thud*s.
Once the machines finally stopped spewing gold coins, the three fillies poked their heads out of the pile of bits, their eyes rolling in their heads. *Ptoo!!* Scootaloo spit out a mouthful of bits and turned to address Apple Bloom. “Holy horseapples, Apple Bloom! I think you broke the machines, but now we’re totally rich! AWESOME!!”
Apple Bloom hit the side of her head to eject a few coins from her right ear before answering. “Well, Ah suppose Ah did. Ah’m just too psychic!”
“Oooooh,” her friends chanted in awe. Shining Star, for her part, lost her jaw in the pile of gold coins. It was all she could do to stay conscious while staring at the mound of gold a trio of hapless midgets managed to win. That must’ve been a thousand bits! She hardly even registered when a staff member came to investigate the disturbance and ‘Apple Bloom’ asked for a sack to store their gold. The staff member had simply rolled his eyes and gone to complete their request. He’d seen stranger things in this casino.
After the ‘midgets’ had gathered up their gold and moved on, Shining Star finally came to. “Oh what the hell do I have to lose…” she mumbled as she slid another bit into the machine. Not even looking as the wheels spun, she yanked the lever whenever it ‘felt’ right. After the third pull, the machine emitted a series of loud dinging and whirring noises. Spinning around with a face of delight, Shining Star withheld the glorious sight of…three cherries. Her face fell as three bits clattered into the prize dish.
Shining Star beat her face repeatedly against the machine.
*****
“I can’t believe it, Apple Bloom! We’re totally rich now! Let’s go spend it however we please, it’ll be totally AWESOME!” Scootaloo cheered excitedly.
“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS CANTERLOT SNOBS!! YAY!!”
“So how should we spend the money first?” Sweetie Belle asked as the three fillies walked through the main room, the massive bag of bits dragging behind her. The constant clanking and jingling drew the attention of several nearby ponies, who took on expressions of either shock or jealousy but said nothing.
“How ‘bout one o’ these game tables? There’s an empty one right there!”
The three fillies seated themselves around a poker table and Apple Bloom grabbed the deck of cards. “So who’s up fer a round of ‘Go Fish’?”
“No, no, no Apple Bloom, we’re supposed to be playing Poker.”
“What? Is that a rule or somethin’, Sweetie Belle? We can play whatever we want!”
“No, look! It says so right here: ‘How to Play Poker’!”
“Alright fine, we’ll play Poker. I suppose the rules are written somewhere too?” Scootaloo asked with a sneer. Apple Bloom chuckled.
“As a matter of fact, they’re right here!”
Apple Bloom and Scootaloo’s eyes shot open as they stared at the little box printed on the table. Sure enough, ‘Rules of Poker’ was written clear as day. “Well Ah’ll be…”
“Fine, fine, you win this round Sweetie Belle. So how do we play?”
Sweetie Belle smirked victoriously. “It’s quite simple, really. Here Apple Bloom, give me the cards…”
*****
Night Wish strolled through the casino confidently, weaving his way in and out of the poker tables. He was a bit of a standout in the sea of ponies, his blood-red tuxedo matching perfectly with his jet-black coat and deep purple mane. As he walked, he caught the eyes of several amateur poker players who quickly looked away, hoping he hadn’t noticed them. As they should. He wasn’t Equestria’s best poker player for nothing.
As he walked, he overheard a particularly strange conversation emanating from one of the tables. “Well, shoot. Looks like we tied. AGAIN. Are ya sure this is how it’s supposed ta go, Sweetie Belle?”
“Of course I am! I guess I’m not shuffling the deck very well. Here, let’s try again…”
Night Wish looked to the table in question, and beheld an even stranger group of poker players. There were three trenchcoat-wearing sunglasses-donning midgets seated around a poker table, looking rather bored. One of them had a camera slung around her neck. Night Wish also noticed several empty glasses at the table, suggesting that the trio had a bit to drink.
Ponies who couldn’t shuffle the deck? Check. Tied every game? Check. Looking bored? Check. Slightly inebriated? Check.
Easy money? Score.
Night Wish smoothly glided over to the poker table and took a seat. “Good evening, ladies! I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation about your issues with poker. Please, allow me to shuffle the deck, I think you will find the results to be more…satisfactory.”
The three fillies looked up, surprised, and regarded him with a hint of caution before their faces split into wide smiles. “Well sure! About time somepony else joined, it was pretty boring with just the three of us. Here you go!” the smiling white filly said as she handed the deck over. Night Wish picked up the deck in his magic and deftly shuffled it three times. He could easily stack the deck if he wished, but what was the fun in that? As a professional, he should take every opportunity to hone his skills.
“So why’d you join our table, mister?” the orange one inquired while he shuffled, a look of suspicion still lingering on her face.
Night Wish smiled innocently. “Why, I just happened to overhear your difficulties! I’m a rather…avid poker player myself, and it pained me so to hear a group of fine young ladies not receiving proper enjoyment from my personal favorite pastime! So I just thought I’d…lend a hoof.”
The filly nodded, clearly satisfied by that answer. His face a picture of confidence, Night Wish swiftly dealt each of the four ponies five cards and set the deck in the middle of the table before examining his own hand. Four diamonds and that ruffian Jack of Clubs. Hmm…no potential for straights, no opportunity for pairs, but there was a fairly decent chance for a flush.
Scanning around the table, Night Wish noted the other three players’ bored expressions. They looked thoroughly unimpressed with their cards. Heh, amateurs. He could read them like open books. “I assume you are all acquainted with the rules, then?” he asked innocently, an easy smile gracing his features.
“Yep,” they chorused in a bored voice.
“…Well ladies first! Any of you wish to draw more cards?”
“Nope,” they chorused yet again.
Night Wish paused for a moment. They were all dealt good hands? With those bored expressions? Either they were worse than he thought or they had very good poker faces. Night Wish considered his options. There was a sizable pot on the table, but judging by the sack of gold behind them they probably didn’t care much for it. Hence, they haven’t yet folded. He didn’t have anything yet, but there was no harm in trying for the flush, right?
“Very well then. I will take one more card,” he said, discarding the jack. He levitated his sixth card to his hand…yes!! The Queen of Diamonds, perfect! The cards do indeed favor me… Now holding a flush, Night Wish debated whether or not to raise the pot. Given that the fillies were still looking bored out of their skulls, they were either all holding Royal Flushes or all holding nothing. But if that was the case, surely they would’ve picked up more cards? However, they had apparently been tying every game, implying that they always had nothing. Perhaps they didn’t understand the rules after all, but were so intoxicated they believed they did?
Night Wish decided to test the waters. Get a feel for these players. “All right, then. I would like to bet one hundred bits on this hand,” he said, sliding a pile of gold to the center of the table. Time to see if they would check or fold.
The fillies stared at the pile, still with those same bored expressions, before the yellow one shrugged. “Sure, why th’ hay not? ‘Bout time we got a bit more excitement from this game.” The others nodded in agreement, and they each reached down to the bag to grab a hundred more bits.
Night Wish’s eyebrows raised ever so slightly. They went for it? Clearly this trio of drunken mishaps were the worst poker players ever! Easy money, indeed. Reaching out, Night Wish swiped a drink from a nearby tray. “Well then, let’s lay down our hands! I have a simple flush, nothing much but hopefully enough.” Smiling victoriously, Night Wish closed his eyes and drank deeply from his glass.
“Aw, man! We win again! This game is so boring, it’s not fun to win EVERY game. Totally NOT awesome,” Night Wish heard the voice of the orange one say, accompanied by the sound of bits sliding off the table and clinking into the bag. Ahhh…sweet victory…
Wait, ‘win again’?
The stallions’ eyes shot open and he looked at the cards the fillies had laid down. His heart nearly stopped at what he saw.
All three hands were exactly the same. And they were all FIVE ACES. Night Wish’s brain shut down temporarily as he tried to process what exactly had just happened. He had dealt the damn cards!! They were all a bunch of lousy cheaters!
Unfortunately, having one’s brain shut down mid-drink isn’t exactly the best idea, and a particularly cheeky ice cube decided to screw the laws of physics and lodge itself in Night Wish’s throat. Several rooms away, Pinkie slapped herself twice and her spine accordioned.
Night Wish gagged, his eyes going wide as his airflow was suddenly cut off. With a muffled cry he fell off his seat to the ground, clutching at his throat as his face flushed bright red. Somehow, despite still being partially shut down and severely deprived of air, his brain managed to overhear the fillies’ continued conversation:
“Man, this game sucks. Not even the new guy could change things up.”
“Yeah, Ah have ta agree. Let’s go try somethin’ else. You game, Sweetie Belle?”
“Lead the way, Apple Bloom!”
As Night Wish slowly asphyxiated on the floor, his last thoughts were about the irony of the situation. He could see the headlines now: ‘World-Class Poker Player Bested by Cheating Scoundrels and Chokes on Ice Cube.’ Worst. Death. Ever.
Mercifully, the ice cube finally relented to the laws of physics and melted in his throat, allowing Night Wish to breathe again. Gasping gratefully for air, he pulled himself back up to the table to give those cheaters a piece of his mind. But they were gone. Disappeared into thin air. Despite Night Wish’s best attempts, he couldn’t spot the munchkins among the crowd. One of the perks of being small, he supposed.
Grinding his teeth together in frustration, he muttered under his breath: “time to go have a little chat with security…”
*****
Scootaloo happily slurped her fourth cocktail, sighing appreciatively as she finished it off. “Thanks for buying us another round of drinks, Sweetie Belle…” she said, slurring her words slightly.
“No problem, Scoots. My pleasure.” The tiny white unicorn’s speech was also getting sloppy. “Hey, do either of you guys feel a little funny?”
“A little, yeah,” Apple Bloom responded. “Dunno what it is really. It feels kinda good though. What about you Scoots?”
“Y’know…now that you mention it…I do feel a little, I dunno, wobbly. Like I just rode a merry-go-round too many times. Everything looks kinda fuzzy. You feel fuzzy, Sweetie Belle?”
“Yeah, that’s a good word. Fuzzy. Dizzy, uncoordinated, detached, tingly, slovenly, and woozy. Those are all good words too.”
“Well ain’t y’all a dictionary,” Apple Bloom ribbed good-naturedly. The fillies laughed heartily before settling into a comfortable silence.
“What were we talking about again?” Scootaloo asked.
“Ah have no idea,” Apple Bloom replied. Another companionable silence.
“So what do you guys want to do now?” Sweetie Belle inquired. A third silence.
Apple Bloom looked thoughtful for a moment before speaking up. “Ya know…this place seems like it’s full o’ activities best done alone…maybe we should all split up fer a spell. That way we can get th’ most crusadin’ in. Meet ya back here in thirty?”
In their inebriated states, the logic of Apple Bloom’s plan was simply infallible. “Sounds good to me!” Scootaloo replied excitedly. “I’ll catch you slowpokes later!” And with that, she was off like a bullet.
“Here Apple Bloom, you take the bits, I’ll go pull a Featherweight and see if I can’t get my Cutie Mark in photography!”
“Sounds good, Sweetie Belle! You go practice your photo…feeta…takin’ all them pictures.”
“I will! Later!”
“Bye!”
*****
Scootaloo zipped through the crowds, looking for something fun. Unfortunately, all she could find was more bars (awesome), arcade machines that gave you money (SO awesome), and lame game tables (not awesome). Pushing her way through a pair of double doors, she entered another room.
This room appeared to be exactly the same as the one she just left: more ponies sitting around tables playing card games. But as she looked, she noticed something different. The tables weren’t circular like before, and each one of them had a very official-looking pony seated at them. She shrugged and decided to check it out.
She hopped onto an empty seat at one of the tables, and the other four ponies as well as the official-looking one affixed her with confused stares. “What? You never seen a midget before??” she inquired gruffly. The surrounding ponies’ expressions turned apologetic and they politely looked away. Scootaloo nodded and then addressed the official pony. “So what game is this?”
“This is Blackjack, ma’am. Two bits to enter.”
“Oh, ok. Least it’s not poker, that game is boring. How do I play?” Scootaloo asked as she set two bits on the table.
“The rules are right there, miss.”
Scootaloo looked down, and sure enough the rules were once again printed neatly on the table. “Oh, so they are. You guys sure are good about that.” Her purple eyes quickly scanned the box before they lit up in understanding. “Ohhh, you want your cards to add up to twenty-one! Okay, sounds easy enough. I’m in! This is gonna be so AWESOME!”
“Yes, quite,” the stallion muttered as he began to deal the cards. Upon receiving her cards Scootaloo flipped the face-down one over so she could look at them both. After all, she wasn’t psychic like Apple Bloom. She actually needed her cards to be face-up to see what they were! Silly stallions.
The dealer was about to say something about how one card is supposed to be hidden before he decided against it and simply shut up. She was having a good time, why interrupt that? “Ma’am, you have the first turn. Hit or pass?” he said, addressing the pony on the opposite side of the table.
Scootaloo, meanwhile, was in her own little world. She was staring intently at her cards like she had never seen them before. They were actually quite pretty, now that she thought about it. She had the eight of spades and the six of clubs, and was perfectly content to just stare at the intricate shapes printed on the card. She had not yet noticed that the number of shapes corresponded to the number of the card, and that some symbols pointed up and some pointed down. It was all rather clever, really.
Scootaloo’s world was brusquely interrupted by a confident voice to her right. “Hit me.”
The stallion stared confidently at the card held in the dealer’s magic. If it was any face card, he would have twenty-one…but suddenly, his world was nothing but inky blackness and golden stars. Somepony had just punched him in the face!! He heard the gasps and shrieks of the ponies around him and struggled to regain his composure.
“Ow!! What the hay was that for?” he inquired angrily, his vision finally recovering to the point where he could glare at the little orange pegasus.
Said pegasus simply shrugged. “You said ‘hit me,’ so I did. I did think it was kinda weird but I figured it was best to just be polite.” The surrounding ponies gawked at this response.
“‘Hit me’ means I want another card, you bloody buffoon!!” the pony sputtered angrily.
Scootaloo rubbed the back of her head and smiled sheepishly. “Oops, sorry! Won’t happen again, I promise!”
“It better not,” the stallion grumbled, rubbing his sore nose and looking pointedly at the nearest security guard.
Scootaloo’s attention was once again interrupted by the dealer. “Hit or pass for you, ma’am?”
Scootaloo focused on her cards again. What did she have? She had an eight and a six, and eight plus six was…eleven, right? Yeah, eleven! Only ten points to win! “Hit me!” she said confidently, and the dealer flipped a queen onto her hand.
“Yesss!! Twenty-one! I did it! So AWESOME!!”
All of the ponies at the table stared at her as though she’d grown a second head. “Err, no ma’am, you didn’t. Eight plus six is fourteen, not eleven. You have twenty-four. You busted,” the dealer explained as he claimed her bits.
Scootaloo ceased her celebrating and looked at her cards. Sure enough, he was right. “Oh…oh yeah, I suppose you’re right…” she looked thoughtful for another moment or two before scrunching up her face in disgust. “Meh. This game uses math, and math sucks. I’m out. Later!”
“Have a good evening, ma’am,” the dealer said as she walked off, barely suppressing an eye roll. The stallion who had been punched was beckoning wildly at the tuxedoed, sunglasses-wearing stallion, who finally walked over to see what was the matter.
“What is it, sir?”
“This young lady punched me!!” the stallion whined, beckoning to the seat beside him.
“Who, me??” inquired an extremely bewildered mare who had just sat down at the table.
The stallion blinked stupidly before hurriedly correcting himself. “No, not her! The little orange munchkin! I demand she be thrown at once, such ruffians do not belong among civilized society!”
“I’m on it, sir,” the tuxedoed, sunglasses-wearing earth pony said as he began to walk away. Touching a hoof to his ear, he spoke. “This is Cold Shoulder. We’ve got another complaint against the orange one. These midgets have got to go.”
*****
Sweetie Belle happily meandered through the crowds in the main room, snapping photos as she went. Despite the multitude of bewildered or offended looks she received, Sweetie Belle punctuated each flash with a happy statement.
“That one was great!”
“Looking good, there!”
“Haha, that was a funny one!”
Sweetie stopped snapping photos for a second to grab a passing cocktail and quench her thirst. She would have to ask Rarity what kind of fruit juice this was, because it was good. Suddenly, her eyes fell on a rotating table with a bunch of ponies standing around it.
Inexplicably, a lit light bulb suddenly appeared over Sweetie Belle’s head, causing several unfortunate guests who witnessed the event to suddenly choke on ice cubes. Pinkie’s back began to play the polka.
What better way to take a bunch of photos than to jump on that table? Sweetie Belle excitedly galloped over to it and leaped into the air.
“Wheeee!!!”
*****
Apple Bloom weaved and bobbed her way through the crowd, watching and listening intently for anything of interest, the bag of bits jingling merrily as it was dragged along. Almost as though fate itself were watching, something of interest did indeed meander into her awareness. She paused to pick up a particularly perplexing pronouncement:
“It is lovely weather we are having, isn’t it?” Apple Bloom pushed past a pair of posh ponies to perceive a position purporting to her problem. The speaker, one particularly suave stallion, was talking to another particularly suave stallion.
“Indeed. It has been quite lovely, I do hope the weather continues,” the second stallion replied.
“If such weather continues, we are certainly in for a lovely summer.”
Apple Bloom grinned mischievously and snagged a passing drink before sauntering over to the two stallions. Pressing up against the first one, she whispered: “so y’all are spy ponies too, huh?”
The two stallions looked down at her with expressions of carefully concealed concern. The first one asked, “are we really that obvious?”
“Nah. Ah just have an ear fer such things. We tried ta be secret agents a while back, but it didn’t work out too good. Don’t y’all worry none, yer secret’s safe with me,” she said with a wink.
“We would certainly appreciate that, miss…”
“Name’s Apple Bloom. Ah live out in Ponyville.” She slurped her drink appreciatively and leaned on the bag of bits in an easy-going manner.
“Double-oh six. Pleased to make your acquaintance. You know what that means, right?”
“Course Ah do. It means yer an actual secret agent. Ah don’t think Double-oh two hundred and thirty-four impresses nopony.”
The stallions’ eyebrows raised by a millimeter but they didn’t comment on it. “Well miss Bloom, I’ll be sure to contact you if ever I am in need of your services.” At that moment, a serving pony walked up to the duo with a pair of margaritas on a tray. The stallion took one look at the drink and said, “flaming.” Sure enough, the serving mare levitated a lighter and set the drink ablaze.
Apple Bloom ‘oooh’ed quietly, her mouth in the shape of a perfect ‘O.’ Now that was fancy! She’d have to remember that one. “Well, Ah won’t waste no more o’ yer time. See ya later!” she said happily as she trotted off.
“Until next time, miss Bloom,” the first stallion said, raising his glass to acknowledge her.
Apple Bloom finished her drink and sighed appreciatively. She’d have to ask Applejack what kind of juice they served here, because it was good. Unbeknownst to her, however, there was a tuxedoed, sunglasses-wearing stallion watching her from the corner as she headed to the bar.
“This is Nightingale. I’ve got her…”
*****
Scootaloo was seated at the bar, happily chugging her sixth AWESOME drink. She’d have to ask Rainbow Dash what kind of juice they served here, because it was good. Suddenly, her happy reverie was interrupted by an exclamation of “there’s the orange midget! Grab her!!”
Scootaloo looked around wildly at the mention of ‘orange midget’ to see several large, tuxedoed, sunglasses-wearing stallions rushing her. Panicking, she did what any normal drunk pony would do under extreme stress: whip her scooter and helmet out of hammerspace. Pinkie’s neck cricked and her bowels convulsed. Slamming the helmet onto her head, she mounted her scooter and quickly buzzed off. The security ponies paused their chase for a moment to wonder where the hay she got the scooter from, but quickly resumed the pursuit of their quarry with cries of “after her!!”
Scootaloo cheered excitedly as she careened through the room, weaving between tables and panicking casino guests. Now this was the way to have fun! Totally AWESOME style!! Scootaloo whizzed through another pair of double doors and finally, FINALLY found the dance floor.
The ballroom was huge, and very elaborately decorated. As far as the eye could see, there were fancy art sculptures, priceless marble columns, and smartly dressed ponies. In the back there was a massive and beautiful grand piano with a very handsome stallion playing a romantic waltz. And to top it all off, the piano was situated right next to a beautiful indoor fountain adorned with a magnificent ice sculpture centerpiece.
Suffice to say, the room was in no way prepared for the storm that was barreling down on it.
Scootaloo whizzed down the flight of stairs and careened into the crowd of ponies, knocking several unfortunate guests out of the way. Partially this was because the crowd was not expecting a trenchcoat-wearing sunglasses-donning midget on a scooter to come crashing through the dance floor, but mostly it was because Scootaloo was now driving drunk and was actually swerving into ponies accidentally as they attempted to step aside.
As she zoomed to the far side of the room, almost every door leading into it crashed open and admitted at least one tuxedoed, sunglasses-wearing stallion. She was getting surrounded, and fast. Suddenly, her eyes alit on her saving grace, something that was so totally awesome it brought a tear to her eye. The grand piano had its top open, and to her it looked just like a marvelous, shiny black ramp. This was gonna be AWESOME!! Scootaloo whooped in excitement and beat her wings even more frantically. Foot by foot, she grew closer and closer to her goal.
Stay on target…
At the sound of her cry, the piano pony whirled about with an expression of bewilderment on his face. An expression that quickly turned to one of fear. Emitting an impeccably well-practiced Wilhelm scream, the pony dived to the side to relative safety.
Stay on target…
Out of the corners of her eyes, Scootaloo became aware of several tuxedoed, sunglasses-wearing stallions closing in on her. They had her surrounded, and were beginning to tighten the noose.
Stay on target…
As Scootaloo continued to weave uncertainly closer to the piano, one of the security ponies called out: “give up midget! We have you surrounded, you have nowhere to go!!”
Suddenly, Twilight’s voice echoed in Scootaloo’s mind. “Use the AWESOME, Scootaloo…”
Whooping like a madmare, Scootaloo ollied onto the piano, barreled up the top, and flew into the air. “Totally AWESHOME!!” she exclaimed as she soared above the heads of the security ponies, who were simply gaping in awe at the sheer awesomeness of the spectacle.
Unfortunately, conservation of momentum still applies to objects such as pianos, and the force Scootaloo exerted on the piano using it as a ramp caused it to roll forward on its gilded wheels and begin to crash down the small flight of stairs leading to the fountain. Three of the tuxedoed, sunglasses-wearing stallions, confused by the strange noise, turned around just in time to have a grand piano smash into them. With a unified dismal cry, all three were swept off their hooves and carried towards the fountain.
With a heart-rending sound reminiscent of someone playing all of the piano’s keys at once and an almighty *CRASH!!* the piano and the three stallions slammed into the small wall surrounding the fountain and flipped into the water. Inexplicably, the piano suddenly exploded, sending flaming shards of wood and ivory soaring through the air.
One particularly large piece crashed into the ice sculpture, and gravity celebrated its field day. The ice sculpture teetered to the side before falling completely over, colliding with a precious marble column as it did so and smashing into tiny crystalline bits.
What followed was a phenomenon modern scientists frequently refer to as the ‘Domino Effect.’ The falling pillar sparked a chain reaction, its fall impacting a nearby statue, which in turn impacted another column, and so on and so forth causing an absolute genocide of priceless treasures and artistic artifacts. Ponies screamed in terror and ran around in confusion as their world blew up around them. Cries of “the horror!!” echoed from several locations.
Scootaloo, completely oblivious to the absolute mayhem she had just induced, laughed uproariously at her totally AWESOME stunt and barreled into the main room to find her friends.
*****
Apple Bloom hopped up into her seat at the bar, bag of bits in hoof. All of this aimless crusading sure did work up a pony’s thirst. The bartender walked over and eyed the trenchcoat-wearing sunglasses-donning pony critically. “Aren’t you a little young to be drinking?” she questioned.
Apple Bloom rolled her eyes and fixed the bartender with a spiteful glare. “Ain’t you ponies ever sheen midgets afore? It’s jusht downright shameful th’ way we’ve been treated tanite. Yer friendsh at th’ door ain’t shtoopid, ya know.”
The bartender mare hurried to redeem herself. “My sincerest apologies, ma’am. Truthfully, we don’t see many ponies like yourself. What can I get for you?”
Apple Bloom smirked. “Thatsh more like it. Ah’ll have whatever them fanshee boys are havin’,” she said, indicating the particularly suave ponies from before.
“One margarita coming right up.” Mere moments later, the bartender returned with her drink. “How would you like it?”
Apple Bloom smiled deviously as she thought back to previous events. “Flamin’,” she said coyly. The bartender rolled her eyes but lit the drink on fire nonetheless.
“Here you go,” she said as she handed Apple Bloom her drink. “Enjoy.”
Unfortunately, little Apple Bloom didn’t know that you aren’t supposed to drink from the glass while it was still burning. What followed was a completely predictable reaction given the circumstances, as well as an entirely coincidental chain of events.
“YOWCH!!” Apple Bloom shouted in alarm as the fire singed her lips. Jumping in pain, she accidentally released her hold on her drink and sent it flying through the air. Gravity continued to party hard, and the glass smashed into the floor behind the bar, immediately setting the carpet ablaze. The bartender scurried over to investigate the cause of the commotion and screeched in dismay.
“You fool! What have you done??”
“Don’t y’all worry none! Ah’ll handle thish!!” Apple Bloom declared thickly as she clambered over the bar. Well, perhaps ‘tumbled’ is a better term. In her heavily inebriated state, Apple Bloom only managed to throw herself over the bar before gravity continued its rampage and sent her sprawling to the ground with a dull *thud*, a muffled ‘oof’ following as the bag of bits landed on top of her. In classic drunken logic, she refused to let that bag of bits out of her sight. They were…her preciousss….
Standing up shakily, her eyes rolling around in her head, Apple Bloom shook herself off and began to puzzle out the problem at hoof. She failed to notice either the bartender trying to feebly stomp out the flames or the tuxedoed, sunglasses-wearing pony approaching her from behind. What she DID notice, however, was the bright red fire extinguisher located oh so conveniently behind the bar. It was as if the author got really lazy and decided to make everything overly convenient and totally unbelievable. “Perfect!” she exclaimed happily as she grabbed it.
Now how did these things work again? Shake well, right? Yeah, that was it. Apple Bloom shook the fire extinguisher fiercely to prepare it for use, and then craned her neck to read the instructions tag. As she did so, she just so happened to lean on the release valve. Also, it just so happened that this fire extinguisher had already been used so the tab was already pulled. She also just so happened to be facing away from the fire, and the bag of bits just so happened to be sitting right behind her.
“AAAAAGH!!” Apple Bloom screamed in surprise as the fire extinguisher suddenly jammed itself into her stomach, propelling her backwards as it forcefully expelled all the extra gases built up from the unnecessary shaking. The blast of air and chemicals that erupted from the nozzle just so happened to slam into Nightingale, who was so close to apprehending the troublesome yellow trenchcoat-wearing sunglasses-donning munchkin, and sent him careening into the opposite wall with a scream of dismay.
As Apple Bloom continued to rocket backwards, she also just so happened to barrel straight into the poor bartender, knocking her out cold as the fire extinguisher collided with her head with a soft metallic *DONG*. The resulting sound was not unlike that generated by having one’s face flattened by a cast-iron frying pan. She also just so happened to put out the fire as she flew by.
Continuing to scream and prove to any innocent bystanders that fire extinguisher propulsion was indeed feasible as well as finally telling off gravity as the bag of bits somehow miraculously stayed affixed to her back, Apple Bloom smashed through the wall and tumbled into a vacant hallway, the now-empty fire extinguisher and bag of bits clattering to the ground beside her. Standing up woozily, she called: “yer welcome!!” before stumbling down the hallway in search of something else fun to do.
*****
*FLASH!* *FLASH!* *FLASH!*
“Oh Celestia!!”
“Aaah, the burn!!”
“MY EYES!!!”
Sweetie Belle was currently seated upon one of those weird spinning tables, taking pictures as fast as her little hoof could press the button. The resulting maelstrom of blinding flashes sent several ponies staggering dazedly away from the table, and the immediate surrounding area could only be described as a site of mass chaos.
“Wheeee! Round and round and round I go! Whosh picture I take, even I don’t know!! Hahahaha!!” Sweetie Belle laughed adorably as she continued to spin, taking pictures at sporadic intervals.
What she failed to notice, however, was the circle of tuxedoed, sunglasses-wearing stallions surrounding her that were slowly converging on the table. “This is Nameless Grunt, we’ve got the white one. Moving in now.” He signaled to his partners, Ratta Tatta and Zoey Bat, that it was time to make their move.
As Sweetie Belle continued to spin right round, the pony in charge of the game table struggled to his feet and managed to address her. “Young lady, I am TRYING to run a game table here! If you would be so kind, would you please get off of there?!”
Sweetie Belle looked down at him with a confused expression, which quickly turned apologetic. “Oh! I’m shorry I didn’t realize. Shore thang, mister!” she said thickly, hopping down from the table. As her hooves hit the ground, the security ponies moved in, leaping through the air to catch their target.
Unfortunately, what the security ponies failed to realize was that not only was Sweetie Belle now well and truly drunk, she was also extremely dizzy. The combination of these two circumstances caused Sweetie Belle to stagger about erratically and completely unpredictably as she tried to get her bearings. As she slowly weaved and bobbed her way through the crowd of dazed and panicked ponies, she was completely oblivious to the series of ‘oof’s and dull thuds resulting from several stallions slamming into the ground and tables around her.
“Whoooaaa, whooaaa…Prinshess, shtop the world I wanna get off…” she slurred as her vision continued to waver and blur and she only barely managed to stay on her hooves. Behind her, a trail of groaning and unconscious stallions lay on the floor.
There was an orange blur, and Sweetie Belle emitted a muffled yelp as she was suddenly swept off of her hooves. Finally getting a bearing on her surroundings, Sweetie Belle looked around to find that she was now on the back of Scootaloo’s scooter, whizzing through the game room as pandemonium ensued around them.
“Shcoots! Sho good ta shee ya…where didja get yer shcooter?”
Scootaloo paused thoughtfully before answering, “I honeshtly don’t remember. But it wash probably totally AWESHOME!!”
“Yeah!!” Sweetie Belle happily agreed. As the dynamic duo whizzed past the doorways leading into the Blackjack room, they were surprised to see a veritable torrent of ponies streaming out of the doors. Looking inside, the two fillies could see a smoky haze had covered the room, and a bunch of ponies wearing masks were beating everypony up.
“What the hay ish going on in there?” Sweetie Belle asked thickly.
“I dunno. Wanna go check it out?” Scootaloo inquired, a mischievous glint in her eye.
“Nah. C’mon, letsh go find Apple Bloom!”
*****
“Stop right there, criminal scum!! We have you surrounded!”
Apple Bloom was actually in rather dire need of finding at the moment. She was currently surrounded by three tuxedoed, sunglasses-wearing stallions who were steadily creeping closer to her. She pitifully huddled close to the bag of bits she had faithfully dragged along with her and closed her eyes, waiting for the end. Suddenly, there was an orange-and-white blur, and she found herself swept off of her hooves. Coincidentally, that was when the three stallions just so happened to decide to jump her.
There was a resounding *BONK* sound, not unlike that of several coconuts being banged together as the three stallions collided headfirst in midair before sinking to the ground, groaning in agony. The three fillies laughed uproariously and barreled away from the crime scene.
“CUTIE MARK CRUSHADERS CRIMINAL SHCUM!! YAY!!”
“Phew!” Apple Bloom exclaimed, wiping her forehead with her spare forehoof. The other still faithfully had a lock on the trusty bag of bits. “Thanksh fer th’ save, girlsh! Ah shore owe ya one.”
“No problem, Bloom!” Scootaloo responded happily. “Where to neksht, huh?”
“Hmmm…” Apple Bloom thought this quandary over carefully. “Well, we done plenty o’ drinkin’ an’ shome gamblin’…Ah reckon itsh time ta find th’ exo…eksa…shpecial danshin’.”
“Shounds good ta me!” Sweetie Belle agreed enthusiastically.
“Yeah! But…where do we go?” Scootaloo inquired hesitantly.
Apple Bloom scanned the room, her eyes alighting on a conveniently located sign they were currently zooming past, courtesy of the author’s continued laziness. “There! That shign shays…ow-dee-torr-ee-um. Letsh try there!”
“CUTIE MARK CRUSHADERS FEARLESH EKSHPLORERS!! YAY!!” the three shouted in unison as they careened through another set of double doors into a vacant hallway.
*****
Apple Bloom slowly pushed the door open, and the three fillies stepped out onto what appeared to be a large stage. As they rounded the curtains, their eyes widened at what was quite possibly the strangest thing they’d seen all night.
Currently on stage were six mares dressed in skimpy black lacy outfits dancing nonsensically on stage. They also appeared to be gymnasts, judging by how they hung off of those poles. The audience consisted of several stallions, who were busy whistling, cat-calling, shouting obscenities, drinking, and throwing money at the stage. It was very odd indeed.
Apple Bloom snickered at the ridiculous sight. “Hehehe, look at thosh maresh makin’ total foalsh of themshelves! Shnap a picture, Shweetie Belle, thatsh one fer th’ books!” Sweetie Belle, also trying to restrain her laughter at the ridiculous scene, raised the camera and snapped a picture.
As the camera flashed, the entire mood in the room changed instantaneously. The music that had been playing screeched to a halt with a squeaky sound. The six mares turned to the source of the light and their eyes practically bugged out of their head.
“A-apple Bloom??” a worried voice called.
“Sweetie Belle??” a shocked voice exclaimed.
“Squirt?” a remarkably emotionless voice deadpanned.
The other three reactions were a bit less subtle. “Um…uh…”
“Ohdearohdearohdearohdear….”
“Heeheeheehee!!”
As if sensing the change in atmosphere, the stallions in the audience simultaneously ‘oooh’ed as they caught on to the unmistakable tone of the room: busted!! For their part, the fillies’ expressions turned from snickers to expressions of pure shock as they registered who exactly it was on stage.
The entire room was silent. Sweetie Belle slowly lowered the camera from her face, revealing an expression of shock mirroring her comrades’. A stallion in the audience had a heart attack from how cute it was. The mares and fillies continued to stare at each other in silence. One could literally hear the scars being carved into the young fillies’ brains. Inexplicably, Sweetie Belle suddenly dropped the camera and it burst into flames, slowly melting away into nothingness.
Apple Bloom took it upon herself to sum up the situation in one neat little package:
“Nnnnope.”
And with that, the trenchcoat-wearing sunglasses-donning ‘midget’ turned right around and headed for the door. Her two friends followed suit. As they reached the doors, Apple Bloom walked straight into the center bar with a muffled “ouch!”
Angrily, she began to kick the pole, eager to punish it for its insolence. Her two friends quickly joined in. Once the pole had been given a severe thrashing, they quickly re-mounted the scooter and headed back to the main room, determined to never speak of this again.
*****
The three fillies barreled back into the main room only to be confronted by a veritable wall of tuxedoed, sunglasses-wearing security ponies. There must have been a hundred of them! “Oh no! New problem, girlsh!” Scootaloo exclaimed worriedly as they steadily drew closer to the waiting stallions.
Suddenly, Sweetie Belle spoke up. “Apple Bloom! Bag of bitsh, front and shenter!” Not hesitating in the slightest, Apple Bloom flipped the bag of bits onto the front of the scooter. Now equipped with a rather potent battering ram, the fillies smashed through the wall of stallions, sending several flying through the air.
Unfortunately, the impact of the stallions with the bulging sack expelled several bits from the bag, which clattered tantalizingly against the tiled floor. Seeing the loose change, every pony in the vicinity immediately went hog-wild, screaming and jostling each other to get their hooves on the golden coins.
Suddenly, Scootaloo got a brilliant idea. “Shweetie Belle! Apple Bloom! Shtart throwing the money!” The two fillies caught on and complied, throwing armfuls of bits high into the air as Scootaloo continued to weave between tables, frenzied guests, and security ponies that were currently in the process of being trampled.
As the bits hit the floor the main room of Royals’ Hotel and Casino descended into utter hysteria.
“CUTIE MARK CRUSHADERS ELEMENTSH OF GENEROSHITY!! YAY!!”
*****
Two fresh-faced rookie tuxedoed, sunglasses-wearing stallions stepped into the main room, responding to an ‘all-hands-on-deck’ emergency call. Their eyes widened as they beheld the scene of absolute chaos. But they were Herp and Derp, the best security ponies in the building and they were more than ready to apprehend the wrongdoers!
Wading through the mayhem, the two stallions tried to take stock of the situation. Suddenly, an enraged stallion wearing a blood-red tuxedo accosted them, grabbing them by their ties and shaking them fiercely. “What is the meaning of this?? I asked you boys to throw the midgets out ages ago! What is going on? Why is this happening?” he vociferously demanded.
“I don’t know sir,” Herp responded. “We’re trying to figure that out right now.”
“We just don’t know what went wrong!” Derp added, worriedly scanning the sea of chaos.
As if on cue, the midgets suddenly whizzed past on their scooter, a trail of bits clinking in their wake. The three stallions’ eyes went wide as a slowly escalating rumbling noise reached their ears. Turning around, they shouted in dismay at the stampede of crazed casino guests barreling towards them. Their shouts continued as they were swept off of their hooves and carried away by the veritable tidal wave of ponies.
Before Herp and Derp could properly process what had just happened, they were both violently ejected from the crowd and slammed against a wall, their eyes spinning in their sockets. Shaking their heads, they tried their best to follow the group of midgets that were still rocketing around the room, driving the situation further and further into chaos. Gravity, still sore over being told off earlier, saw this mass hysteria and promptly ragequit the scene. With physics no longer in proper play, a nearby pillar inexplicably teetered to the side and crashed on top of poor Herp and Derp.
Night Wish, for his part, was still being thrown about the room like a ragdoll or sack of bits.
“Curse you midgets! And your little camera too!!” he screamed in a pure rage as he was engulfed by the teeming mass of ponies.
*****
“Shcoots! We’re runnin’ outta bitsh, an’ them shecurity poniesh don’t look too happy. Everythin’ hash been a total busht here, Ah think itsh time ta shkip!”
“Right-o, Apple Bloom! Freedom, here we coooooome!!” Scootaloo proclaimed excitedly as the trio barreled towards the intricate double doors. The pony from earlier, Cobalt Shine, saw them approach and hurriedly threw upon the doors. He breathed a sigh of relief as the trio of troublemakers shot by and he swiftly slammed the doors closed behind them.
“Alright everypony, they’re gone!” he cheerily exclaimed. Or at least, he tried to. The words never came due to the fact that he was blown off of his feet by the monstrous explosion.
*****
“CUTIE MARK CRUSHADERS CASHINO CRASHERS!! YAY!!”
The Cutie Mark Crusaders zoomed out of the casino, skidding across the cobblestone plaza before finally screeching to a halt. The three tired, drunken fillies tumbled off of the too-small scooter and fell to the ground, rolling about in hysterics. Their antics escalated as a sudden explosion sounded from the building behind them. Looking up into the sky, they all saw what appeared to be a porta-potty rocket ship blast through the roof and hurtle towards the heavens, obviously containing an individual who clearly did not wish to live on this planet anymore.
Under normal circumstances, the young fillies would have taken pause to question the irrationality of such an occurrence, but in their current state it was just additional fuel to feed the flames of their laughter. Finally, their snorts subsided and Scootaloo spoke up. “Hey girslh, guesh what?” There was a definite smirk on her face.
“What?” her two friends chorused.
“I shwiped us shome more of thosh AWESHOME drinksh on the way out!” she said excitedly, holding out three more cocktails.
“Shweet!”
“Aweshome!” Her two friends happily accepted the glasses and the three fillies shared a toast. All three of them then proceeded to chug the drinks down, belch in contentment, and toss the empty glasses lazily behind them and out of the scene. An explosion, a Wilhelm scream, and a muffled cry of ‘my leg!!’ echoed across the courtyard.
The three fillies sighed again in contentment and looked back at the casino. There was definitely audible screaming emanating from the doorway. The two unfortunate tuxedoed, sunglasses-wearing stallions from before were still lying on the ground gurgling incoherently. Overdoses on cuteness are serious business.
The three fillies frowned as they contemplated the night’s events. On an unspoken queue, each of them removed their trenchcoats and checked their flanks. There was a unanimous “awwww…” as they each were greeted by a shiny but monocolor butt. Their thoughtful reverie was brusquely interrupted by a sharp voice.
“Girls!!” The three fillies all turned to see a familiar purple unicorn standing in the doorway. Her mane was frazzled and her eyes were slightly bloodshot but what the fillies mostly noticed most was the stern gaze she was affixing them with. Or at least, that’s what they would’ve noticed under normal circumstances.
As it was, they responded with a happy “Twilight!!”
Said unicorn mare trotted hurriedly over to them, intent on giving them a good scolding. “Girls, what in Equestria happened in there? The place is a madhouse! What did you do??” Her words were slurred slightly as well, but the serious undertone couldn’t be missed.
The three fillies exchanged confused glances before Apple Bloom responded. “I dunno, we didn’t do nothin’.”
“Yeah!” Sweetie Belle piped up. “It washnt ush who were leaping through da air like maniacsh…blame thosh shilly shtallionsh.”
“But what exactly were you doing here? We told you to stay in Ponyville!” Twilight inquired, exasperation edging into her voice.
“Well we followed ya o’ course! We were crusadin’!” Apple Bloom chimed in happily.
“Yeah!” Scootaloo exclaimed. “It wash totally AWESHOME!!” Suddenly her gaze shifted from happy to awed as she stared at her hoof. “Woah…hehehe, my hoof looksh weird…hehehe…”
Twilight looked very concerned at this. “Girls…you didn’t have anything to drink, did you?”
“Oh yeah we did!” Scootaloo proudly proclaimed. “They were sherving thish AWESHOME juish, it wash really tashty. I think I had like sheven or eight of em…”
Twilight’s eyes went wide and she had to resist the urge to facehoof. “Oh, dear…” she grumbled yet again.
“Ya know, Twilight…” Scootaloo said uncertainly as she sidled up to the unicorn mare, looking up at her with those big eyes of hers. “Ya sheem like a really naish pony. Rainbow Dash is cool and all, but she’s like a big shishter, y’know? You, on the other hand, yer really shmart and kind and talented and…y’know…pretty. Yer a shpecial pony, Twilight. I jest wanted ta tell ya that…”
Twilight stared down at the little filly, completely uncertain of what to say next. “Um…thanks? Although, I don’t think you’re quite aware of what you’re saying Scootaloo…” Her words fell on deaf ears, however. The filly in question was now collapsed on the cobblestones, snoring complacently. Turning her gaze to the other two fillies, she saw that they too were also passed out and snoring quietly. They were so adorable Twilight almost forgot to be angry with them.
Almost.
As if the author suddenly decided to get lazy yet again and hand Twilight the script, the full magnitude of what exactly the troublesome trio had caused tonight hit Twilight like a sackful of bits. The fillies had, in one night, managed to follow them to Las Pegasus, subdue the bouncers at the door, win roughly one thousand bits at the slot machines, get totally wasted off cocktails of all things (geez they haven’t even had shots yet), con a world-class poker player, magic a scooter out of nowhere (and send Pinkie’s health insurance premiums through the roof), destroy a grand piano and several priceless artifacts, send several tuxedoed, sunglasses-wearing stallions to the hospital with various injuries (as well as several other unfortunate casino guests), burn several ponies’ retinas, scar themselves for life (if they even remembered anything), given away said one thousand bits, caused countless inexplicable explosions, sent gravity into a hissy fit that was currently destroying the universe as they knew it, prompting Celestia and Luna to go on an epic quest across time and space to get gravity to stop being such a big baby (pro tip: ice cream works wonders), driven the casino out of business for months, and the least likeliest of them had just confessed her fillyhood crush to her. Wow. She needed another drink.
Naturally, she would remember none of this in the morning. Thus, the author gets off scot-free and is fortunately not sacked. Those about to disobey orders and sack the author have been sacked.
Her mind barely able to process the influx of information and rationalize how three little fillies managed to cause all of the aforementioned events to take place, Twilight summarized the reaction that any normal pony or person would have regarding the situation quite nicely given the circumstances.
“What…just happened?”
Author's Note
The author got bored that’s what. No ponies, pianos, or cameras were harmed in the making of this ~~film~~ story. Also, Michael Bay says he helped (don’t sue plzkthx).
I have never actually been to a casino or partaken of alcohol, so if any of this contradicts your personal experiences feel free to make a scene about it if you wish but I’m just gonna respond with ‘it’s Equestria, they do things differently.’ Or 'I do what I want.' Or some other smart-ass remark.
I hope you all enjoyed my first foray into MLP comedy. I tried to keep it short and one-shotty, I really did, but yeah…I’m bad at that. Thanks a bunch for taking the time to read this, if indeed you did so. Don’t forget to leave a thumb and comment, I don’t care what kind! Have a very Merry Christmas (or to all of you deprived folk who don’t celebrate Christmas: Happy Holidays) and a Happy New Year!!
Cheers!
Shanenator
