Discord’s Lament
~BlackRoseRaven
Well, who do we have here? Friends? Foes? Oh, it’s all the same to me, though: I have plenty of both and yet none of any at all. But that’s the way chaos works, you see… one moment it’s all roses and wine, the next it’s brambles and swine… but you have to remember, not by any design… just like how I never meant for this all to rhyme! Ha!
Oh, wipe that look off your face, I know you want to laugh along with me. Or sing-along, but I’ve never exactly had the most flattering voice for that sort of thing, really… I’m better suited for laughing maniacally and sultry manipulation, it’s a very sexy voice, but I suppose you can judge that for yourself right now, can’t you? But… I digress, and you’ll have to excuse me, I suppose I haven’t exactly done the best job of introducing myself. Blame my short attention span… that’s why I like things to move all the time, that’s why I love to see chaos and enjoy all my quick and efficient little pranks. I feel sorry for everyone who doesn’t have infinite power, you know, when I’m not laughing at them… and perhaps just the tiniest smidgen of jealousy for the ones who can go through the long and arduous process of setting up the perfect prank, planning in out hours, maybe days in advance. I’ve never been a ‘planning’ sort, just a… roll with the most fun solution sort.
Yes, stop your whining, I know I’m missing the point again. You try and focus for five minutes when you’re made of chaos, though, I dare you. It’s a lot harder than it looks, mostly because it’s so fun to just roll with the way you feel at the moment. But if you’re going to be so insistent on hearing me say it, even when you should obviously know just who I am, my name is Discord, and my job is sewing chaos throughout Equestria. Well. It was, until that nasty piece of work Celestia decided one day, hey, I don’t like that guy, let’s turn him to stone for all of forever, doesn’t that sound like a hoot?
Celestia’s a nasty piece of work. At least I never killed any of you dumb ponies, I just had some fun with you all. Why, I’ve even saved some of your lives from those ugly, nasty things that roam around the wilds… in the old days, you just would not believe the kinds of freaks and monsters that bounced around during the day and all throughout the night, far, far more terrifying than me, I assure you. Tyrant Wyrms, ick. No sense of fun or dignity whatsoever. Just. A very well-developed sense of taste with a particular fondness for ponies. Raw, baked, boiled in a stew, juiced… now that’s evil. As well as very, very gross. But I guess once Celestia finished her work booting the big mean monsters out of Equestria she decided I must have been a threat to what she was trying to establish, so here she comes to ruin my entire stupid life with her stupid Elements of Harmony and her nasty-tempered sister. Also, note to self: never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever make fun of their dead brother. Admittedly it was a pretty low blow even coming from me but she said some darn hurtful things, and well, I guess my mouth has a way of running before my brain can catch up sometimes.
Then there was Luna, too. Personally, I thought trying to lighten the mood with a few jokes was great; hell, for a little while, we had a great dialogue going! I would say something epic and villainous, she would spout back something heroic, Celestia would just get madder and madder at the both of us, it was just a great time. So you know. I thought I’d play a little joke on her, and well, turns out these silly ponies can be a little… oh… sensitive… about their manes and tails. She’s lucky I didn’t just steal her horn away! Well. Okay. My power isn’t unlimited and… besides, it wasn’t her horn that kicked me in the freaking face. It was her stupid hooves that kicked me right in the freaking mouth, and did it ever hurt.
At first I thought it would be fun, you know? That’s why I wasn’t trying too hard to fight them, I thought, ‘hey, it’s those two pony heroines, they look like they want to play with little ol’ me!’ and we had a pretty good clash going on… but you know, I’m no good at telling stories. Stories are boring… what? You want to hear anyway? Well, what a delight! Finally, someone who appreciates me… but I bet in that case, you’ll appreciate my artistic talent and wit even more, now, just tilt your head up… that’s good, good, you see my handsome face? You see these deep soulful eyes? Oh no, you can trust me… well, no. No. You probably shouldn’t trust me entirely, okay, that was a big fat lie and I can’t even keep a straight face saying it. Still, though… you came all this way out here to talk to me, and you may have noticed that my current state is oh… shall we say… less than mobile? As a matter of fact, I’m starting to wonder how we’re talking at all: maybe you’re just another symptom of chaos and my deluded mind, maybe these crazy swirly eyes of mine are seeing just another figment of my imagination, maybe I’m real and you’re not… maybe you’re real and I’m not! Ha! Wouldn’t that be meta!
Well, either way, you’re still listening, and you seem perfectly fine with the fact one of us here is a few chickens short of a rooster… or a few feathers short of a chicken coop? A few… something… short of… something else. You know what, I can’t always be a mastermind, so stop giving me that look, it’s hard work doing this twenty-four-seven. Just… look over there, and with a snap of my fingers we’re-
“-having such fun now!” Discord crowed, spreading his mismatched arms as he grinned widely, lion’s paw and eagle’s talon flexing before he meditatively dropped his bearded chin in his hands, and his bushy eyebrows quirked, muttering: “But it’s still missing something…”
He grinned, his fangs glinting, his gray-brown, goat-like features gleeful as his ears flicked, red, sharp little irises narrowing in his yellow eyes as he hopped backwards, saying eagerly: “Of course, there’s a good enough start!”
His brown, long body straightened, rearing back on a stubby, green-scaled dragon’s claw and a chestnut pony’s hoof as his long, red draconic tail flicked. His small, mismatched blue-feathered and darker leather wings fluttering a bit as he gestured easily towards the sheep he had balanced in a careful pyramid out in this wide, empty, and otherwise-boring field, and a moment later an old pony in a rocking chair appeared on top of the highest sheep, making it whimper loudly as the pony rocked calmly back and forth, slowly knitting a sweater from a ball of wool in her lap. “I ‘herd’ it’s all about economics! It’ll make for a hell of a ‘yarn!’ I can’t tell if it’s ‘wooly’ the truth!”
Discord threw his head back and laughed loudly, then he sighed and reached up to stroke a single tear from his eye, flicking this off to the side, and it exploded in a sizzle of fireworks after touching the ground, turning the grass around it into flowers that sprung open and vomited out several birds as he grinned over at this… then grumbled and slumped his shoulders, throwing his head back to look up at the sky and complaining: “I’m bored now. I forget why I came out here in the first place but I’m fairly sure I had a reason that sounded good at the time. Or at least, it didn’t make much sense and sounded like fun. Or did it make a lot of sense but still sounded like fun?”
He paused, then leaned sideways… and onto the shoulders of another Discord that appeared in midair, except this one was smoking a pipe and had a monocle on, and it said in a serious voice: “I really think you should stop talking to yourself, son, that’s a sign of insanity.”
“Oh, but really, who’s not a little insane these days?” Discord replied to his copy easily, and then he leaned to the other side and grasped the shoulder of another copy of himself that appeared, except this one wore a bonnet upon its head. “What do you think, mother?”
“Oh, you know how I worry about you!” it replied in a strangled falsetto, kneading its paw and talon together rapidly. “My poor little boy needs to take such better care of himself!”
And with that, the bonnet-Discord flicked his hands out, creating a green sweater with a large red ‘D’ over it that it shoved promptly over Discord’s head and onto his body, and Discord flailed wildly, making the two copies of himself puff into smoke before he looked musingly down at the sweater… then winced when a voice asked coldly behind him: “Art thou done with thy silly games, Discord?”
“Oh, who do we have… why, if it isn’t Celestia!” Discord spun around, grinning widely at the sight of the immense pony, as well as… “And Luna, well, isn’t this a delight!”
He rubbed his hands together gleefully, grinning at the two as his eyes glinted out of his face, studying them eagerly: tall, imperious Celestia, her rainbow mane and tail floating silently out behind her, glimmering and ethereal… and her ivory body was covered in heavy golden armor that glowed softly and strangely, runes and ancient symbols glimmering along the massive full plate armor that adorned her frame from hoof-to-head, a circle around her head and her long white horn standing tall and proud from the winged unicorn’s skull. Her amethyst eyes all but glowed out of her cold features as her hooves tested the ground, broad wings flicking once before furling safely back against her sides… the only part of her body left truly unprotected by the heavy golden armor. “A little… overdressed for this weather, aren’t you?”
As Discord spoke, he gestured upwards… and a light, twinkling snow began to fall, the incarnation of chaos looking upwards thoughtfully as he muttered: “Perhaps I spoke too soon. Oh well, that’s what happens when everything’s in chaos.”
“Release thy grasp upon those innocents thou has at thy mercy.” Luna ordered, stepping forwards… and Discord’s eyes turned to her musingly, looking slowly over the dark blue pony with her light blue bangs that fell over her eyes, even with most of her mane safely hidden beneath her dark navy helm. Dragon leather and lightweight protective metal plating covered her frame, not nearly the full, massive armor that guarded Celestia, but more than ample protection for the pony, as her straight tail flicked behind her… and her cyan eyes narrowed dangerously, even as a slight grin spread over her face. “Or art thou going to make me release thy grip?”
“Oh, you’re feisty. I like that.” Discord tilted his body girlishly, pointing at her with one hand and positioning the other under his chin as he winked, then he simply gestured backwards with a grin in return, and both snow and sheep were blasted into the air by a wave of force as the elderly pony was thrown out of her chair even as she continued to calmly knit, flipping several times before vanishing in a puff of smoke.
The rocking chair, meanwhile, flipped several times, then crashed to the ground… and Discord threw himself back in this, putting his talon and paw behind his head with a wide grin as the snow around them turned to gumdrops that fell to the fields and bounced around as sheep fled in all directions, even as they began to turn all assortment of colors. “There you go, sent on their way with a little fashion update, just because I’m such a nice guy at heart. But tell me, what has humble little me done to deserve a visit from the legendary heroes of Equestria? Ooh, wait, let me guess, you’re inviting me to your birthday party!”
He threw his arms open, and there was a flash of fireworks as streamers and confetti hailed down all around them, Luna looking back and forth blankly as Celestia only gritted her teeth, before she said coldly: “We are here to put a stop to thine evils, Discord, and end thy reign of tyranny over Equestria-”
“Yes, that’s me! Discord, King of Equestria, ruling with an iron fist!” Discord flung himself out of the rocking chair, raising his talon with a grin… and then staring at the fact it had transformed into a metal gauntlet, yelping and immediately shaking his arm wildly out before managing to fling the metal glove away, brushing distastefully at his talon a moment later as Luna snorted laughter… then winced and cleared her throat at the glare Celestia gave her. “Oh please, Celestia, if you rule something, then that means you control it. To control something, means that there has to be some kind of order in place. Me? I’m just chaos. I wander around, causing a little mayhem and a lot of mischief, but it’s all in good fun!”
“Thy leaves entire villages and cities in torpid states of disharmony and disrepair, and thy leaves a trail of… of discord wherever thou travels!” Celestia said darkly… and then her eyes widened as Discord winked at her and vanished before he reappeared with an arm wrapped companionably around her shoulders, leaning over her with a cheerful expression.
“That’s my name, Celestia, and it’s not a misnomer. I’m not called ‘Discord’ for nothing…” He paused meditatively… then winced when Celestia yanked away from him before she lashed her horn towards him, making him flail and leap backwards at the last moment before vanishing in a puff of smoke, only to reappear with his hands on his hips and a large gash ripped in his sweater. “Hey! Manners!”
“Thou art evil, and thou must be stopped. For the sake of everypony across Equestria.” Celestia said quietly, her horn glowing with golden light, and Discord sighed at this and grabbed at his forehead with a vexed expression.
Then he glowered at her moodily as he let his arms drop, gesturing outwards and saying mildly: “Oh yes, that’s me… awful and evil and horrible. So okay. I cause a few minor little teensy-tiny problems here and there, I accept that. And I enjoy my jokes and mischief maybe a little too much, and I thrive off pure, undiluted chaos… but honestly, this whole disharmony deal, is… more of a side-effect. It’s not my fault ponies are jerks to each other just because I happen to play a funny little joke on them.”
Luna grimaced at this, saying dryly: “Oh, yes, Discord, like when thou warped the unicorn mages of Canterlot and made them all believe they wert but chickens, clucking around and plucking up feed from the dirt.” She paused, then added meditatively: “Not that it was without merit.”
“Sister.” Celestia gritted her teeth, but Luna only shrugged innocently, even as Discord threw his head back and laughed, clapping his hands together. “Do not encourage the monster!”
“Monster? Monster!” Discord leapt up as he ripped his sweater off and tossed it aside with a grin, curling his mismatched upper limbs forwards into claws and grinning widely at them as his eyes glowed brightly, beginning to ripple in dark, dull rainbows of color… and then grimacing when Celestia only continued to glare at him and Luna simply made a face. “Oh, not going to make this easy on either of us, are you?”
“Now where would the fun be in that?” Luna retorted, setting herself with a slight grin, and Discord huffed as his eyes returned to normal before he stroked thoughtfully at his beard as the smaller winged unicorn leaned forwards. “Unless thou art scared, that is.”
“You dare the mighty Discord to battle, is that it?” Discord retorted, and then he grinned as he flicked his talon to the side, an oversized sword appearing in this in a burst of smoke before he snapped the thin double-edged blade sharply back and forth through the air, then pointed it towards them with a wink. “Still so confident, little miss moonshine?”
“If anything, I am made all the more eager, foul foe!” Luna retorted, but her eyes glinted with not just battle-lust, but what seemed like actual entertainment as Celestia’s teeth loudly ground together in frustration. “Will thou dare bring thy steel against my might? For I need no such cheap toys to vanquish thee, and am glad to prove such!”
“Sister, what did I just say?” Celestia glared over at Luna, breathing slowly before she looked up coldly, but before she could open her mouth, Discord simply flicked his wrist with a wink and a rope appeared, violently wrapping itself several times around her muzzle and snapping her jaws shut, Luna staring in both disbelief… and what was very obviously repressed laughter.
“Oh, hush, Celestia, we’re just having a little fun.” Discord tossed the silver greatsword into the air, letting it flip easily over his head before it fell point-down and landed in the ground on his other side, grinning as he leaned on the pommel of the huge sword with his leonine limb and absently rubbed his fingers together, adding easily: “But so confident, little Luna? And what if I did what all the evil people are supposed to do and started cheating?”
Luna, however, only smiled and stepped forwards as Celestia growled and tore the ropes off her muzzle with a hoof, her teeth grinding together loudly again as the smaller winged unicorn replied easily: “’Twould not be any treachery on thy own part, Discord, when we have not established the rules of the battle… and nor would I wish to steal any handicaps from thee if thou art so terrified of being heartily beaten by a female and the youngest here.”
“Oh, and her arrow strikes home into my heart!” Discord cried theatrically, grabbing at his chest before he flopped backwards as a bouquet of flowers appeared in his hands, and then a coffin burst up around him, the lid appearing above and slamming loudly down into place. A moment later, a bolt of pink lightning shot down from the skies, striking the casket with a blinding flash that made both Celestia and Luna wince… before they both stared at the sight of the Draconequus now cheerfully toasting marshmallows over the blue fires consuming the coffin, saying in a pleased voice: “I have to say, this is far more fun than I thought it would be. But what’s a battle of so-called ‘good’ and ‘evil’ without the tasty quips, right?”
Luna began to open her mouth, and Celestia stormed forwards and then stomped a hoof against the ground, and the earth shattered open in front of her, releasing a massive blast of water that blasted out over Discord and left him staring aghast at her, dripping wet, still sitting on the small stool but with the coffin torn to nothing but ugly, broken timbers, the end of the broken stick slowly falling from his paw. “Enough games, Discord! Thou art chaos, nothing more than another piece of the dark disease that has fallen over Equestria, and I am not about to allow mine own self to be drawn in by thy endless prattle and party tricks… do not think that I will hesitate to blast thou asunder merely because thou does not raise thyself to the fight like the Wyrms or the other terrors I have faced!”
Discord grumbled under breath, snapping his fingers… and the hair over his body puffed out as he was instantly dried off before he reached up and slowly dragged his hands across his face, smoothing his fur out as he muttered: “And yet, Celestia, you’ve left me for the very last, the bitter end. And yet you’ve waited all this time before finally coming to ‘destroy me in the name of harmony…’ tens, if not hundreds of years, no? I have trouble recalling just when you were born… I’m not sure if it’s because no one here was ever born per se, or if it’s because when all you care about is the now, past and future tend not to hold much meaning… but I do know it’s been a long time, because oh, let’s see, oh yes. Discord doesn’t kill and eat ponies.”
He gnashed his teeth together loudly a few times, and Celestia narrowed her eyes, retorting: “What thou feasts upon is their sanity, Discord. And thou takes pleasure in their pain… it is not something sister and I can merely overlook. We have gathered weapons against thee… and we are protected against thy machinations and dark powers. Surrender peacefully and I promise to show you mercy in a quick end.”
Luna frowned a little at this, and Discord snorted before he leaned to the side, his head phasing out of existence before it reappeared beside Luna, whispering loudly in her ear: “Are you really sure I’m the one playing the evil role here?”
Celestia snarled as Luna winced away, and then the ivory equine reared back, her horn glowing as she shouted: “Enough games, Discord!”
There was a blinding flash from her horn, and Discord yelped in pain as his head vanished from the spot as if violently-shoved through a doorway, the Draconequus staggering and pinwheeling his arms before he tumbled backwards and fell, rolling a few times before crashing into a dazed sprawl. He cursed under his breath and grabbed at his head, then looked up with a glare as Luna laughed but Celestia continued to only look at him coldly, muttering: “That wasn’t very nice at all, Celestia. And furthermore, Luna, I’m the one who’s supposed to be laughing at the expense of others, not the other way around.”
“’Tis not so nice, is it, impish creature?” the winged unicorn asked teasingly, leaning towards him as Discord sulked a little before he floated into the air, body twisting like liquid as he hovered upwards and crossed his arms beneath his head, eyes narrowing slightly. “Perhaps there is a lesson to be learned here for thee, and thou may yet skip a beating!”
“Oh, right, because the Dragon Slayer seems so anxious to stop and have a nice little chat.” Discord said drolly, pointing a finger accusingly towards Celestia, and then he reared back, crossing his legs as he put his hands behind his head and grinned teasingly, his eyes half-lidding as sat back in thin air and floated slowly backwards. “I have to wonder, though, are you only in such good humor because you haven’t been the butt of any jokes yourself lately, little miss moonshine?”
And with that, Discord grinned as he pointed at her with both mismatched hands, kicking his legs backwards even as he kept his ankles crossed, floating backwards as his wings fluttered and his tail flicked, body curving in an awkward J as Luna blinked… then gritted her teeth and looked up in shock as her helm popped off her head, her mane and tail fluffing backwards before transforming into messy, multicolored streamers with ribbons and flowers tied all throughout the velvety material as they twisted and froze into a wild assortment of shapes.
Luna froze in place as Discord threw his head back and laughed… and as he cackled, he was joined by countless monotone ponies that puffed into existence all around the pair, Celestia setting herself but Luna only flinching, then turning scarlet as they all pointed and laughed at her, the air around them darkening as spotlights shone down from above and brightly lit Luna as Discord said gleefully: “Now who’s laughing at who, little miss moon-”
Discord leaned slightly forwards as he spoke, opening his eyes… and looking dumbly forwards for a moment before Luna threw herself forwards with a raw yell, pouncing on top of him and slamming her front hooves and head into his body, the Draconequus barely managing to tilt himself just enough to avoid being gored by her horn as he wheezed and crashed into his back, skidding along the ground on his back before Luna kicked off him and twisted herself gracefully as she seized him by the neck with her front limbs.
Her horn glowed, adding telekinetic wrath to the attack as Discord’s arms flailed uselessly at the air before she spun around with a roar, yanking the creature high into the air before slamming him savagely down onto his back with both physical and telekinetic might, his body whiplashing comically like a towel as his limbs spasmed outwards before Luna dropped him and leapt backwards, spinning around… and as the male began to straighten, groaning and glaring at her, she brought both hooves back before slamming them squarely into his mouth just as he began to open it.
His head rocked back, and Discord howled in agony as the multitude of ephemeral ponies all winced and covered their eyes, letting out hisses of pain as blood and one of the Draconequus’s fangs was sent flying from his mouth, the incarnation of chaos throwing himself backwards and flopping around in a way that would have been comical were he not in such obvious agony, rolling back and forth with yells and whimpers and curses in a strangled voice as Luna stepped back a bit before Celestia strode forwards.
With only a short bow of her head, there was a golden pulse of light from her horn before the monotone ponies all vanished and Luna’s mane and tail returned to normal, the latter flopping over her face in a messy tangle as she grumbled a bit before blowing at it irritably as Celestia said coldly: “Discord, enough games-”
“What the hell are you talking about, games, you psychotic crowbait? Oh by Loki I think you… you kicked my tooth out! You kicked my freaking tooth out!” Discord spat a flurry of curses under his breath as he clutches his muzzle, wincing and slowly sitting up as he glared at them, tears of pain making his eyes gleam all the more balefully at them, and yet his posture was less than fearsome and more childish than anything else. “Oh you… you jerks! And I’m the monster? I’m the bad guy? I’m the evil one here?”
Celestia only continued to glare down at Discord, but Luna winced a bit as she shook her head quickly out, blushing a bit as she said awkwardly: “Well, thou… attacked me…”
“Attacked you? Attacked you! I… played a prank on you that was only slightly spiteful and vengeful and you… you… oh by all the chaos in the world you busted my face!” Discord yelled in return in frustration, and then he winced and skittered rapidly backwards when Celestia stepped forwards to nudge her sister firmly with a hoof, Luna grimacing and shooting her a wince that was embarrassed, apologetic, and irritated all at once. “Oh what do you look so mad about, sunshine, you’re not the one with a broken face and I haven’t even… even…”
Discord wheezed and then leaned to the side, cursing again before he sat back on his rump, crossing his legs as he swayed awkwardly on the spot, resting his paw on a knee as he raised a finger of his talon, muttering: “Okay… just… need to sit down for a minute… give me a minute, okay… oh hell that stings like… like… elephants!”
With that, the Draconequus snapped his fingers with a growl, and a moment later a ring of enormous, glaring elephants surrounded them… but Celestia simply snarled in return and snapped her head upwards as her horn gave another bright pulse, a shockwave of golden flames exploding through the air around her and Luna. The expanding ring of fire struck into Discord with enough force to send him flying backwards with a yelp of shock, scorched and wincing, while the elephants were completely incinerated by the savage attack, Celestia stomping a hoof down and shouting: “Enough games and nonsense, Discord!”
The incarnation of chaos flopped heavily onto his stomach with a groan, one hand still clutching his muzzle as his body smoked lightly… and then he grimaced and straightened slowly, finally letting his hand drop away as he patted ashes off himself that floated slowly upwards instead of down as he muttered: “You really are no fun at all, Celestia. What crawled into your butt and died? It wasn’t your brother was it?”
Both Luna and Celestia stiffened at mention of this, and Discord winced before he grinned weakly, showing off the gap in his jaws as both winged unicorns slowly narrowed their eyes, a snarl spreading over Luna’s features as Celestia’s eyes glowed with her anger, and the Draconequus said weakly: “I. Just a minor slip of the tongue?”
Luna barreled forwards, and Discord winced as he leapt out of the way, vanishing from the spot and reappearing across the field… but Celestia snapped her horn upwards with a snarl, and a terrible blast of lightning ripped down from the skies, Discord staggering out of the way as the ground where he had been standing a moment before exploded… and then he looked to the side too little, too late, to see Luna in mid-flight, her rear legs already twisting up towards him before her feet smashed into his head…
And it was torn from his shoulders as his body popped like a balloon, whizzing loudly into the air and shooting wildly back and forth as his head landed and cracked open like an egg, a puff of sparks rising into the air from this as Luna and Celestia both looked sharply back and forth… and then glared upwards to see Discord hiding behind a pink, cotton candy cloud, the Draconequus peering over this and snapping: “What is the problem with you two? For one thing, this makes it very hard for me to work… and for another, it really hurts! What have I done to hurt you?”
Celestia’s horn began to glow as both she and Luna lunged up into the air, and Discord winced before snapping his fingers, vanishing from the spot as the pink, fluffy cloud transformed into a massive, rectangular pink block, levitating for a moment before it dropped through the air towards the two… and Celestia winced, veering sharply around this as Luna simply corkscrewed her body with a snarl, becoming a whirl of blue light that tore through the substance and ripped out the other side… then Luna cursed as she reformed, smeared with pink goo that stuck in long strings across her body and armor as she said incredulously: “’Tis some kind of candy floss?”
Then she stared, jaw dropping, as Discord appeared beside her with a lecherous grin, slowly stroking a finger up her side before he winked at her as he suckled it off the eagle talon, saying kindly: “Thanks for the sugar, babe.”
He threw his head back to laugh as he began to fall backwards… and then golden chains lashed tightly around the Draconequus, binding his arms to his sides and fizzling violently as he squawked before he was lashed savagely downwards, slamming face-first into the ground as his entire body stiffened like a board, vibrating violently before he toppled onto his back with a loud whimper of pain, looking stupidly up to see Celestia slowly settling to her hooves some twenty feet away as she said quietly: “No games, Discord. And this time, no running away.”
“Oh, right, because…” He stopped, grimaced as he tested the chains, then gritted his teeth as they fizzled painfully against him before Celestia smiled coldly… and the incarnation of chaos cursed under his breath before he shouted: “No fair, Celestia! Where’s all the fun if you’re neutralizing my powers? Why… that’s cheating! Cheating is my job, Celestia, mine, not yours, sunflower, didn’t you get the memo?”
Luna landed with a grimace, her body glowing for a moment as blue light travelled along her frame, the candy floss stuck to her going up in smoke… and Discord cursed as he struggled, then glared at her, opening his mouth… before his eyes widened as he realized what had given Celestia the ability to block his chaos. He gritted his teeth at the sight of the beautiful tiara now settled proudly above her coronet, inset with a star-shaped, amethyst gem… and to either side of it, smaller stones that glowed with different colors, Discord muttering: “Oh, you sly, ruthless bird-horse. Wow, I just mean, wow, Celestia, for a sun so bright you’re really damn dim, too… either that, or you actually mean-”
“I do.” Celestia said quietly, even as Luna frowned a bit, and then the ivory equine ordered: “Call on thine own three Elements, sister, ‘twill block Discord’s foul chaotic influence and allow us to neutralize him.”
“Oh Celestia, darling, don’t push me into a corner. You should never, ever, try and put chaos in a corner.” Discord said almost sweetly, and then he gritted his teeth and shouted: “Because you really don’t want to see me angry, little girl!”
With that, he leapt to his feet, snarling as he flicked his head up, enormous, black metal spheres and huge pyramids of stone forming in the air and crashing down towards the two as Celestia winced and snapped her head upwards, a barrier of golden light appearing above her that deflected several of the massive weights while Luna leapt back and forth, nimbler on her hooves as she began to charge towards Discord… and then he gritted his teeth, eyes narrowing, and a wall of rock shot out of the ground just in front of Luna, the female smashing into this with a grunt before she looked up in shock before a heavy cube of black steel crashed down on top of her, then melted rapidly down around the winged unicorn, sealing her between molten metal and solid earth.
Celestia, meanwhile, had been buried beneath countless weights that were all now pulsing faintly, Discord grinning at her… then staring as the hill of spheres, pyramids, and a variety of more-comical but equally-heavy objects trembled violently… and then Celestia straightened with a roar, wings snapping out as a blast of force emanated from her body, knocking Discord back to a sitting position as his jaw dropped open with a horrified gape before he stared dumbly upwards as many of the massive objects that had been knocked flying floated for a moment in the air, sizzling with golden energy… and then he winced as Celestia’s eyes flashed, and one-by-one, they began to hurtle back towards him.
The Draconequus, however, scrambled out of the way of the first metal sphere, then tripped over his own tail with a wince and crashed to the ground, a pyramid grazing past his head before he winced at the sight of a heavy black boulder, shouting: “Feathers!”
And, a moment later, the steel sphere began nothing but a ball of white feathers that smacked into him and burst apart, before he howled at the next objects: “Pillows! Fish! Candy!”
A metallic pyramid transformed into several dozen enormous, pony-shaped pillows that sent up explosions of feathers, and then Discord yelled and cursed as the next heavy object transformed into an enormous ball of wet and flopping fishes of all shape and size that smacked against him and crashed down in the growing mess around the male, before he stared as the last boulder became peppermints and gumdrops and other harder candies… and they fell in a surprisingly-painful rain that peppered the Draconequus’s frame, making him yell and curse and flail wildly beneath the downpour before he grumbled as he stuck his head out of the tall mound of candies, pillows, fish, and feathers, spitting gumdrops and white fluff out of his jaws… and then wincing as a massive battering ram of stone shot towards his head, mumbling: “Mommy.”
It smashed into him, sending him flying backwards with a yell as the mound of objects he had been buried beneath splashed outwards in all directions, splattering all around him as he crashed senselessly onto his back, skidding away with a wheeze… and then he winced as the cap of molten metal he’d trapped Luna beneath exploded, the dark-sapphire winged unicorn lunging upwards with a snarl into the air, three differently-colored gemstones inset into a collar now cinched tight around her neck as the Draconequus remarked in a morbid voice: “Well, my day’s about to get worse.”
And a moment later, Luna crashed down on top of him with all four hooves, slamming her feet into him and making him gargle as he coughed blood… then wheezed loudly and winced a bit, arms still bound tightly to his sides by the golden chains, grinning weakly as he lay on his back as energy sparked over him and wincing when Luna slowly lowered her horn towards his throat as it glowed blue, his neck immediately shrinking itself down as much as possible into his own body like a turtle as he mumbled: “Okay, you win. You proved your point. Please stop hurting me, even my pain is in pain right now.”
Luna hesitated… then she stepped slowly off him, Discord giving a sigh of relief… and then looking down in surprise as thick vines burst up from the ground beneath his feet, wrapping rapidly around his draconic tail and lower limb to bind them into place as larger brambles snapped upwards around his neck, choking him and pinning him down as he gargled and then howled: “Oh come on, what do you want, a peace treaty?”
And with that, he glared upwards, a large scroll of parchment puffing into existence above his head before a quill appeared, and Discord’s tongue flopped out of his jaws as he concentrated, the quill rapidly signing his name before the scroll spun around… and without bothering to look, Celestia simply flicked her horn, and the parchment was incinerated as Discord winced a little and said lamely: “Funny, you… not being the scholarly type, I always thought-”
“Be silent. Luna, concentrate, and let us finish the monster off.” Celestia said curtly, and Luna winced as she stepped back a bit before the ivory equine glared at her, snapping: “Quick, we have little time! The beast will recover his strength if we wait!”
“’Tis no Tyrant Wyrm, no savage monster, Celestia, I… do not believe this is the correct course of action.” Luna said nervously, and then she winced a bit as her older sister glared at her angrily. “Sleipnir always spoke of honor in mercy-”
“And I shall not permit his sacrifice in the mountains to go in vain! We retrieved the Elements of Harmony to defeat Discord and protect Equestria, did we not? Wilt thou put thy brother’s death to shame by refusing to use the weapons we have gathered against the foe who has plagued Equestria for countless years?” Celestia shouted, setting herself… and Luna grimaced a bit, looking apprehensively towards Discord as he looked at her pleadingly.
At the same time, however, he was fidgeting carefully, both lion’s paw and eagle’s talon tightly grasping the same link of the golden chain behind his back, testing it, pulling on it, slowly applying more pressure and chaotic corruption to the small area… and then he grinned brightly as the chains suddenly, simply fizzled completely out of being as the single link snapped and he rose his paw and twiddled his fingers at them, saying cheerfully: “Tata, girls!”
Discord vanished from the spot, the vines collapsing uselessly… and a moment later, he reappeared with a loud pop on the road more than a kilometer away, wheezing and falling to his knees, grabbing them tightly as he gritted his teeth and leaned forwards. For a moment, he shuddered, playful demeanor fading as he drooped, entire body aching and drained from the combination of complex, focused exertions of his powers as well as the beating he had taken… and then he trembled a bit as a shadow fell over him, shaking his head weakly and slowly looking up to see Celestia standing silently in front of him… and then he swallowed thickly, looking weakly over his shoulder to see Luna behind him. “H-How…”
“Easy, Discord. Thou hast not been travelling in this part of Equestria for long as yet… true, there are signs of chaos all around us, but they are small things, more caused by thine unnatural influence than actual exertions of thy power.” Celestia said quietly, looking down at him darkly. “That made it very easy to follow thee.”
“Okay, you caught me. Game over, I lose.” Discord muttered, sitting back tiredly and grinning up at her weakly… and then he swallowed thickly when Celestia leaned forwards, her horn beginning to glow. “C-Celestia… hey, now, I surrendered…”
He winced, scrabbling backwards… then cursed and looked over his shoulder at Luna, who also had her head lowered, pity in her eyes even as her expression was cold, the gemstones around her neck beginning to glow… and Discord gritted his teeth, lunging to his feet, but then he gasped and grabbed at himself as harmonious energy sizzled through the air around them, blocking his chaotic influence and powers as he looked back and forth, then stared at Celestia and yelled desperately: “Wait, stop! Don’t do this, you… you beat me, I’ll go back to Ginnungagap, even Niflheim, just stop!”
But there was no mercy in Celestia’s eyes, no pity on her face as she stepped forwards, both her horn and Luna’s flashing as multicolored rays erupted from them, smashing into either side of Discord… and he screamed, back arching for a moment before he clenched his eyes shut, paw grasping at his own body as he threw his eagle talon up with a broken laugh, howling: “Don’t I even get a final bow?”
But before he could even open his eyes, before he could even close his jaws, there was another flash of light… and then Luna stared in horror as Discord toppled forwards, petrified in stone in his final pose as if he had been about to launch the last song of some great, tragic opera… and Celestia’s eyes slowly opened, looking calmly, icily down at the frozen figure before she walked forwards and rose a hoof.
“Sister, no!” Luna shouted, looking horrified… and Celestia looked up, almost expressionless, almost calculating, as Luna whispered: “Isn’t this bad enough?”
For a few moments, the two only looked at each other… and then Celestia’s eyes roved downwards, and the ivory equine nodded slowly as she lowered her hoof, but all the same, Luna shivered at the look on her sister’s face as the enormous winged unicorn said softly: “Perhaps I have a better use for him, anyway.”
Oh, yes. Did you see that coming? Do you see why I’m so bitter about you evil little ponies now? I mean, how would you like it if one day, you’re just doing your job, just doing the one little thing you’re programmed to do and not even really harming anyone… and then poof. All of a sudden, some crazy chick obsessed with law and order comes along and turns you to stone after roundly beating the crud out of you? It was not a good day. Not a good day at all… and none of the days since then have been exactly bright and chipper.
I’m chaos incarnate, I am… Discord, bringer of disharmony between ponies, blah-blah-blah. Still. I never started any wars, I never even started any feuds… all I did was play some pranks, indulge in a little chaos, mess up a village or two every now and then. It was all in good fun, after escaping that big cosmic waste dump I slunk my way out of.
Hey. Wipe that look off your face, I mean it. Pity, sympathy, empathy? That’s for losers, just like… hope, and happiness, and friendships. Like putting faith in someone, when you know that everything comes down to the rules of chaos anyway… and you know what that means? That there are no rules. But it’s not like that means I play games the way some nasty jerks do, like Celestia… where the winner takes all, and if you try and beat the house, the house petrifies you. Oh sure, maybe I cheat a little here and there… but I much prefer a little guile, a little cunning, a little twisting things around… not raw bludgeoning with hoof and horn.
And those who actually outmaneuver me or beat me? Oh, I admire them, honestly… well, first I pick on them a little more to get my frustrations out, then I admire them, because all I do is bring out a person’s inner discord… that’s where they got my name from. All I do is draw out what already exists, bring it to the surface. It usually goes away by itself after a little while, unless they’re heavily exposed to my chaotic influence… but I only do that to those few ponies who really poke my buttons for one reason or another.
So the people who beat me, well. They’re just beating themselves and hell, let’s face it, I obviously can’t even manage that feat for how witty and powerful I am. Sure, I can mess with every pony’s magic, I can slink my way through the deepest trenches and the highest skies, I can very easily slide through the tightest locks and breach the heaviest security but… myself? Oh hell no, I don’t want to see what goes on inside here… I’m afraid of what I might see.
I… I didn’t just say that, all you heard was ‘Discord is by far the best, with his sense of style and handsomeness matched only by his rapier wit and incredible strength.’ Repeat it now. I said say it! Did you say it out loud, though, you need to say it out loud! Did you say it? Good. Now repeat it one more time to really drill the message home.
Oh it was just a joke I’m not going to actually use this drill on you. There, it’s gone, see? Crybaby. Besides, it’s not me you have to worry about, it’s Celestia. Celestia is bad for Equestria, with her heroic façade and her love of order and her utter hatred for anything with the smallest smidgen of darkness or chaos. No I’m not just saying that because she turned me to stone, what the hell are you talking about? Were you not watching that? Did you not see that look in her eyes? Ask yourself, is this really a pony I would want to make angry for any reason… is this really a pony who I can trust in a position of absolute power? No, I already tried to hypnotize you, you aren’t getting that chill from me. Yes, I tried to hypnotize you. Why the hell are you so surprised? I’m bored. I’m chaos. I wanted to see if it would work, that’s all. Oh. Don’t be such a huffy, sensitive little thing.
What was I going to make you do? Well. Do you want the truth or a lie? Either way you’re getting a lie, you know. No, I don’t mean that I’m going to lie about lying to you, I mean I’m going to lie to you whether or not you ask for the truth or a… you know what? Go away. Okay, okay, okay, I’m sorry, don’t go away yet, fine, I apologize. Excuse me for lacking in social graces, it’s been forever since anything’s tried to hold a conversation with me that wasn’t actually just with themselves.
But you know what the hardest thing is about being chaos though? The mood swings. The mood swings… I mean, here we are. Laughing, having a good time, enjoying ourselves with old memories, and all of a sudden I’m feeling… huh. What’s the word for it… depressed? Hopeless? Lost? Maybe a little of all of the above. No, no it doesn’t have anything to do with that… those times are gone now, long past, and… and they don’t matter anymore. Fine, though, you want the truth?
I would have made you break this accursed statue. Sure, it contains all of my essence… all of my life. But in the name of Loki, for most of the last thousand years I’ve been in here alone, sometimes able to hear only vague whispers from outside, every now and then aware of a presence, like sometimes how you just know there’s someone standing outside your door even when you’re sitting all alone in a lonely, empty room… do you know what it’s like? I go up and down in waves of madness, euphoria, and despair, and I’m unable to exert the slightest bit of my power, the slightest bit of chaos. It’s all building up inside me… and the closest to freedom I’ve ever come is managing to slip into the discordant dreams of some poor unicorn in the grips of a nightmare, and all that managed to do was make me feel tired and cranky.
And I can feel it all getting worse. Caging chaos… forcing chaos to stay quiet and still and trapped, well, let’s just say it hasn’t had very pretty effects. Even as I feel this awful imprisonment weakening around me, as I struggle against it, knowing that just the right boost will free me of my shackles, I know it’s too late for me, too. Once I probably would have lasted forever, had I never been thrown in here… but a thousand years of being trapped in stone has weakened me. When I get out of here, I want to throw one last big huzzah, because dammit, I will break free of this… and then, after I screw everything up for nasty little Celestia, I’ll let myself fade the rest of the way out of existence. I know, great goals, right? But I’m chaos. Goals, plans… ain’t too big on either of those things, really. I just have some vague ideas in mind that I want to roll with. So yeah, bring it on… either break me or set me free, but either way, it won’t be long before I fade away to nothing now. All this chaos has been kept inside, turned inside against myself, for too long…
But every joke has a punchline… and you know what mine is? Oh it’s an awfully good one… something you’d never guess at. I want to bring chaos to Equestria, I want to break Celestia’s rule… to save it. I want to wake the citizenry up, and I want to show miss solar flare that a little chaos doesn’t have to be all bad, in my own way, of course. Well, okay. Mostly I want to take horrible revenge in my own weird and dignified way for doing this to me, but… I… I don’t want anyone to die. Heck, I don’t want them to even suffer. Well. Maybe a little, a smidge, a tiny bit, but my kind of suffering, not… the kind that I know, I know, I know with all my deep and dark and yes-it’s-really-there little heart is going to come if… if things continue down the path they’ve begun.
Oh, I feel it in my bones. Darkness is on the rise in Equestria, there are things here that will challenge the lives of every little pony. And challenge is cool, and pranks are great, and hey, who can do without pain in their lives, seriously? But actual endless torment like the kind they serve up in Helheim? Yeah, I’m gonna have to say pass to that. Why? Well, you obviously don’t know what Hell is like, buddy. Furthermore, it’s very hard to make ponies laugh, cry, argue, or even admire my genius wit when they’re all dead and rotting in the stomach of some horrible monster, and you know, if there’s no one around to admire how handsome I am… what’s the point of putting on my makeup in the morning?
Call me what you will, but… these little ponies are too fun to play with to actually kill. No, when I get out of here, I’ll just distract Celestia somehow, then mess up Equestria and hopefully start waking up a few ponies. Or… I’ll die before I get a chance, one or the other. I’m not going to be too picky, since… I don’t like to think I’m actually trying to go out of my way to do something purely for the benefit of others and all. Really this is all selfishness. Somehow. Ugh. Stop giving me that look, I already said sympathy is for losers.
Now I’m just feeling grouchy. So I’ll tell you what, little pony. Have… here, take this. Oh hold out your damn hoof before I shove this up your nose! There. Was that so hard? Okay, take it. See? And it’s not stealing your soul or anything. Seriously, it’s not that… that was a… what the hell would I do with a pony’s soul? Eat it? That’s even more gross than eating their flesh like those… Loki’s sake, I’m going to take it back if you’re going to keep being a little jerk about this, now pick it up and… thank you. Yes, you’re welcome. You’re very welcome, in fact.
What is it? What the hell do you think it is? What does it look like, close your… yes, close your damn eyes and look at it. Right now. No, it makes perfect sense. Just do what I asked you to!
…
Exactly. That’s exactly what it is. See, it makes absolute sense, you just had to actually try it instead of whining ‘Discord, Discord, but-but-but!’ That… is exactly what it is. Or maybe, that’s exactly what it could be. Anything you want it to be. Everything you wish it could be… and sometimes, very rarely, when there’s no other choice… it’s just exactly what you need. Mostly, though, it’ll be a little of one and a little of the other, so… be careful with it. It’s kind of important to me and I don’t usually give stuff to ponies. It’s a lot more fun to steal it from them, but… sometimes chaos is better when you enjoy it a little with someone.
Now, I’m getting tired. Tired of playing nice, and tired of being nice, and… tired, to put it simply. So get out of here. Take your little trinket, and go back home, preferably the same way you came in… or a different way, I actually don’t care as long as you leave me in peace. Sometimes I just say things to sound cool, I admit it. Now… scuttle off, whatever you are, whoever you are. There’s work to be done.
Oh, right, just do me one little favor, and take care of that little, tiny thing I gave you. Yes, keep it held tight, do you feel it? Not too cold, not too hot, just right… it fits perfectly in your grip, but that’s only for now. Some days, I’m sure it’ll be too big, other days, too tiny, some days it might not even exist and maybe there’ll come long nights when it’s all you got and more important than the entirety of everything to you. What do you mean, it’s different now? Of course it’s different now… but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t what it was before, or make it any less important, either. It’s different, and yet it’s the same, it’s what it’s always been, it’s always there, most people… just lose it at some point, but I’m giving you mine. It’s the one thing I got plenty of to spare, see. So take it, and say thank you. You’re welcome.
Well duh, of course I’m not going to flat out spell out for you what it is, and why the hell’s a ‘proper name’ for something so important anyway? Where would be the fun in that? Figure it out yourself, it’s really not that hard if you shove your face into it. No, I meant what I said, go on, shove your face into it… yes, I was just curious whether or not you’d actually try to. Now get lost. And take your riddle with you, seriously, it’s the most important thing in the world to me so you better take damn good care of it, even if there’s always more where it came from and I’m never going to run out, and I tended to always share it with the world every day I was free. Didn’t I already tell you what it was? Well, sort of. Did you tell me what it was? Kind of. Are you leaving? You better be leaving, that’s my question and answer to you. Now get!
Nope, time’s up. Aloha, pal. And with a single snap of my fingers…
If this shadow has offended, know but this and all is mended… ‘twas nothing more than a midsummer night’s dream.
