The Great Mighty Cooch

by Chuckward

Rating: mature
Tags: Lyra, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Sex, Random
Length: 1465

Lyra's "hen house" destroys Ponyville.

I believe it was Shakespeare who said "A horse's cooch is the path to destruction".

It wasn't.

Published 2012-12-17 11:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-17 11:20:01 UTC

No Baby Gaps Were Harmed During The Making of This Fiction!

No Baby Gaps Were Harmed During The Making of This Fiction!

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING FANFICTION CONTAINS FIFTY-STORY TALL VAGINAS! PROCEED WITH CAUTION!
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Lyra the unicorn was sitting at her table, staring intently at a large pineapple. Her eyes analyzed every spine, prick, and bruise that made up the pineapple's outer layer. She gazed at the lush, green leaves that stuck out of the top of the sweet fruit. Lyra was ready, she closed her eyes and channeled magic into her horn. As her horn began to glow, a mint green aura surrounded the pineapple, and the fruit in question began to stretch and squash, until eight spindly legs jutted out from the bottom of the pineapple.

The pineapple scuttled around on the table, wobbling with every step. It jumped off of the table and onto the linoleum floor, then it ran out of the kitchen, passing BonBon who had been watching Lyra from the doorway.

"Lyra, you're never going to get them to tap dance," said a bemused BonBon, she had observed all of Lyra's earlier attempts at creating tap dancing spider pineapples, and like Lyra she had originally loved the idea, declaring it to be the best idea in the history of ponykind. Not only would pineapples be delicious, now they'd be able to walk, and even better, they'd be able to dance. Unlike Lyra however, BonBon's faith in the idea had faltered after about the thirtieth try.

"I'll get it," replied Lyra," I just need to practice more."

"Lyra, you've made literally no progress since your first try, what makes you think you can do it now?"

"What is wrong with you BonBon? You're acting seriously out of character."

"I can't act out of character, I'm a background pony, making me exploitable, so shut up."

"Well I guess if Merriweather can turn half of Ponyville into complete dicks just to advance the plot, and make it int an actual episode, then this stupid fanfiction can make one pony mean just to write a story where my va-"

"SHHH," interrupted BonBon," spoilers."

"Like any of the readers even care!" yelled Lyra," You're my sexy time partner, it says so in every erotic fanfiction!"

BonBon facehoofed.

"Lyra, if you bring up anymore internet related things then this story will go from just breaking the fourth wall to full on meta, is that what you want?"

Lyra's ears flattened,and she lowered her eyes to the ground.

"You're right BonBon, I'm sorry," Lyra said softly.

BonBon trotted over to Lyra, and placed a hoof on her shoulder.

"Hey, it's okay, you were angry."

"Oh Bonny Poo, I love it when your personality changes for no good reason."

"Me too, although I might have MPD, it would explain why my voice keeps changing. I'm going to get a psychiatrist tomorrow, but in the meantime why don't you go see Twilight Sparkle, that crazy sciencehead probably has some way of helping you make dancing pineapples."

"Great idea BonBon!" Lyra exclaimed. Lyra kissed BonBon on the cheek and dashed out of her extremely generic looking house. She galloped through Ponyville, dodging ponies left and right. After about five minutes of sprinting Lyra made it to the tree-house. She paused to catch her breath, as the long sprint had left her exhausted, and knocked on the door with her hoof.

An extremely haggard looking Twilight Sparkle opened the door, only to have Lyra rush into her home, knocking her onto the ground in the process.

"Lyra, what is it? I'm very tired, I've been up all night studying some pointless thing, it was probably stamp collecting or something boring like that. Quite frankly the only reason I study so much is because I have only seven friends. So make this quick damn it."

Lyra was shocked at how totally in character Twilight Sparkle was being, but she regained her composure and asked Twilight for help.

"Tap dancing pineapples eh?" said Twilight, bringing a hoof to her chin," that is THE GREATEST IDEA IN THE HISTORY OF EQUESTRIA! Lyra, I would be honored to help you achieve this amazing feat of magic!"

So Twilight and Lyra studied the mechanics of dancing fruit all through the afternoon and well into the night. As with anything, giving the pineapples legs and brains was the easiest part, but getting them to dance was proving to be difficult.
Eventually however they figured out a spell that was almost guaranteed to work.

Twilight pointed her horn at a large, sexy pineapple.

"One small step for mare, one giant leap for ponykind," Twilight said as she fired a pulse of magic into the fruit in front of her.

The second the magical bolt disappeared into the pineapple it began to smoke and sputter. It's color changed to a reddish hue as it slowly expanded. Eventually, the pineapple became so large that it exploded, showering Lyra's vagina with pineapple juice.

As science will tell you, once a pony's vagina is coated in pineapple juice, some weird ass shit will happen. Such was the case of Lyra's vagina. It started slowly, her vagina growing a few inches every second, then, before they knew it, Lyra's vagina was fifty stories tall.

Lyra's vagina then grew legs and started stepping on buildings, queefing happily as it squashed homes as well as families.

"Jane, stop this crazy thing!" screamed Lyra as her vagina ravaged the countryside.

Twilight Sparkle for her part, was doing everything in her power to stop that crazy thing, firing magical blast after magical blast at the colossal cunt. Her magic wasn't having any effect, so she decided to try and reason with Lyra's vagina.

"Giant vagina!" Screamed Twilight Sparkle," why are you destroying Ponyville?"

Lyra's vagina stared down at Twilight( or at least it probably did, it was hard to tell because vagina's don't have eyes. Twilight was very surprised when it began to sing( vaginas can't talk either in case you didn't know).

"I am, The Great Mighty Cooch,

and I'm gonna pour menstrual blood on you.

Gallons of femjizz from my fifty story slit.

How about some watersport you whore?"

The enormous baby gap laughed at its own crudely worded song, and then continued to destroy Ponyville.

Twilight Sparkle activated her Anchorman powers.

"ELEMENTS OF HARMONY, ASSSSSEEEEMMMBLLLEEE!" she screamed, her voice fanning out across the entirety of Ponyville. Within moments, the entire ensemble of elements had congregated into the middle of Ponyville," girls, I'm sure you've noticed the gargantuan gigi that's crushing our town under its labia. Now, I've tried to destroy this thing myself, and I wasn't able to. Since I'm the only useful member of the mane six our last option is The Elements of Harmony."

So they all activated their super jewelery( which they wear at all times because they're sick of not having the elements on hand whenever situations such as this arise) and a giant rainbow tampon appeared in the sky.

"Super Elemental Tampon Blast!!!" they all screamed in unison, firing the colossal cunt-plug at the powerful panty monster. The super tampon collided with the vagina and soaked up all of the pineapple juice.

Without the pineapple juice, the Supersized slit was no longer able to retain it's massive stature, and it shrank back down to normal vagina size.

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Six months after the incident with the giant vagina, Ponyville managed to rebuild, with only a minor crippling depression this time. Rarity died of AIDS, Lyra and BonBon got married in Massachusetts, and they all lived happily ever after.

The End.

Author's Note

I bet you thought that was awful, well if you don't hate me right now I can always make a holocaust joke or two.

I'd just like to let you know that you just read a My Little Pony fanfiction about an enormous homicidal vagina.

I'm well aware of the fact that Rita breaks the composition of the story, but it made me laugh my ass off, so I'm keeping her there.

So, originally in this story the word "vagina" was used in both of the descriptions.
Apparently this is not allowed. Why? Probably some bullshit thing about the children who might see it.
Regardless, I agree. No one should ever be allowed to say the word vagina ever again! Vagina is a word that invokes fear in the hearts of those with vaginaphobia. Please, join me in taking a stand to remove the word "vagina" and anything having to do with vagina from this entire site. I'm sick of seeing vagina everywhere I go. I dream of a vaginaless world, where vaginas have been removed from society, and I no longer have to deal with vaginas.
Help me remove vaginas from everywhere by joining the group. Vaginas Are Gross Intolerable Nasty Abominations.
vagina