Tentacles of Love

Lenny never wanted to go to Equestria. Pastel ponies were for little girls and druggy vagrants living under bridges. But then, Lenny never wanted to be a nightmarish monster with fleshy brown tentacles either.

He was a good citizen, obeyed all the traffic laws and never complained when the TSA showed up to search him. Heck, he even got his compulsory vaccinations ahead of schedule! But Lenny just couldn’t afford the new tax increases. Already stretched between bills and the exorbitant rent on his shack, he could barely afford food let alone paying the walking taxes on time.

So he was registered for the experimental mutation plan. Sure it doesn’t sound that bad a deal, free rations and a place to sleep as long you agree to be injected with mostly harmless experimental serums once a week. The other patients were mostly sane, also. But once again, he drew the short straw.

Only three weeks into the program, Lenny had an allergic reaction to the intravenous toothpaste and mutated into the seven-foot two-dozen-eyed freak he was today. Disqualified from the program, he got placed in a reservation and had to make coathangers all day. It was still a living.

But then he couldn’t afford upkeep on his Horrific Monstrosity permit and the government deported him off the planet to Equestria via dimensional portal, just like a common murderer.

As far as Lenny was concerned, life is a bitch.

Lenny is sweeping up all the cake crumbs on the Sugarcube Corner floor, but it’s slow going even with his seven tentacles. Cake crumbs are belligerent and the trickiest of all crumbs so he has to keep resweeping the same few over and over. He squints six crimson eyes in frustration, giving his best effort.

This job is all he has, he can’t risk getting fired. The Cakes were the only ones willing to hire him, and even so only at the behest of Pinkie Pie. Everyone else was either afraid or disgusted, giving him awkward stares. They didn’t trust the abomination and it wasn’t long before rumors surfaced of him eating foals. Which was ridiculous because none had ever gone missing and he hated kids. Even kidnapping them to eat wasn’t worth the hassle.

“Heya there, Spookyface!” Pinkie pops out in front of him.

Screeching an unnatural shriek, Lenny leaps back, dropping the dustpan. The crumbs quickly scatter.

“You just about gave me heart attack,” he complains in his abyssal voice.

Pinkie giggles, wiping blood from her ears. “Don’t be so wimpy, you should be used to it by now.”

“Well I’m not, I have a delicate heart,” he says, regardless of the fact it is twice as strong as a human’s.

She pats his hairy leg. “There, there, I’m sorry. I’m just so excited about today!”

Lenny goes back to sweeping. “Why, what’s going on today?”

“Oh right, how silly of me! I never told you, today we’re having a party at Twilight’s library!”

“Oh. Well, that’s nice to hear. I hope you have fun at it, parties are your favorite.”

The pink pony bounces excitedly. “Not just me, I want you to come too! You’ll love it and this would be a good chance for the girls to get to know you better! It’ll be great! So will ya come?”

“Aww, I don’t know . . .”

Pinkie frowns. “C’mon, pretty please? Parties are a ton of fun, especially when you got all your best friends!”

He worked his strange mouth into a smile at the compliment. “Maybe . . .”

“Oh Lenny, you just hafta!”

His multitude of oculi stare at all directions in thought. He was really only Pinkie’s friend, even the other elements still distrusted him. And parties actually made him nervous and sweaty. But he didn’t want to refuse her or she might not like him either and then he’ll have nobody again. Lenny doesn’t want to be completely alone in this strange world.

“Okay, I’ll go,” he said.

Even before Lenny had mutated, he’d never really been loved. The other boys had no time for his awkwardness and complained that he had the stench of potatoes. In gym, he got footballs thrown at his head. The teachers tried to inconspicuously exclude him from lessons and the janitor taught him about eating paste.

His parents weren’t much better, often avoiding him as much as possible. In fact if he were compelled to reflect on his childhood, Lenny would say he’d more or less raised himself. Potty trained himself at seven, learned to read at nine, finally figured out the toaster at thirteen. No, his parents hadn’t been much help at all, always visiting friends and too cheap to even get a babysitter. So his childhood was largely long nights of Balto marathons, popsicles, and trying on his mother’s pantyhose.

In his teen years, Lenny thought maybe the girls had it better and went through a transexual phase. He’d show up at school in blouses, with earrings and faint eyeliner. He tried to ingratiate himself in their cliques and fit in. At first he thought it had worked. They let him chat in the halls about dresses with them and pass notes about which boy was the hottest, even not tattling when he used the girl’s restroom. He thought about becoming a cheerleader.

But then Lenny found out they’d all been just laughing at him and seeing how far he would go. It was a joke to them. They put photos of him in a dress on the internet with his real name. He got threatening phone calls and his parents found out. One of the girls said he’d been blackmailing her and Lenny got expelled.

Lenny decided being a girl was nothing but a fool’s game.

But now it doesn’t matter anyway. Nobody with scabrous hairy skin and corpulent monster eyes would ever be considered a pretty girl. That’s what he thinks to himself as he looks in the mirror.

One benefit of being a giant gross mutant is that he has eyes all around his head. Or perhaps it’s a misfortune, since now he can see how fat and veiny his butt is.

He tries not to think of it, distracting himself by choosing a bow tie for the party.

The government didn’t allow him to bring any possessions with him, and he wasn’t in the habit of wearing clothes anymore anyway. Custom tailoring was out of the question and underwear had little point when he had a retractable penis. But Pinkie had given him some bow ties when he’d told her how he missed pants. A small consolation since nothing else would fit his enormous frame.

He sits down on his little cot, careful not to break it, deciding on the red striped bow. He puts the other three back on their shelf. Lenny keeps all his precious few possessions on that wall shelf because the basement floor is constantly moist. His secretions don’t help.

The Cakes were nice enough to let him live in their basement under Sugarcube Corner as long as he works hard. They also said it was kind of fitting and he couldn’t really argue with that. The basement is mostly sanitary and the single light bulb isn’t a bother for his adaptive vision. He’s also recently taken a liking to the taste of spiders and his tentacle arms are great for catching them. He chews them like gum.

Sometimes Lenny worries he’s losing his humanity. But he doesn’t like to think about that.