I Don't Know Who You Think I Am

by JudgmentisForbidden

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Human, Alternate Universe, Comedy
Length: 9418

Scootaloo returns to Ponyville with a man who will destroy their world. But is she there to help him or destroy him?

Scootaloo returns to Ponyville after missing for nearly five months, and not only does she have her cutie mark but she can fly. Though there's something very strange about her, not the least of which being a magical necklace and a strange mark on her neck–she was adopted by an extremely powerful and mysterious man named Zander Sanchez. The eponymous man has arrived in Equestria, bringing with him visions of conquest, power, and grandeur with no intent to leave empty-handed. With the end of Equestria looming around the corner, the lives of Scootaloo, her friends, and all those around her are about to change forever.

Gore tag minor and applied to future chapters; Rated Teen for language, sexual themes/reference, alcohol and drug use, and violence.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-02-04 18:15:41 UTC

Hell or Glory and Everything in Between

Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom sat in the Cutie Mark Crusader clubhouse, looking at each mournfully. It had been almost four months since Scootaloo disappeared and nopony seemed to know where she was, or what happened to her. One day, while trying to find their cutie marks, she simply vanished without a trace. The pony who seemed the most broken up about the Pegasus filly's loss wasn't her friends, but in fact her own hero Rainbow Dash. She'd gone looking for Scootaloo quite some time ago, but then also went missing. When she did return, however, she wasn't the same. Rainbow wasn't her usual adventurous, athletic, high-spirited self anymore, but spent most of her time at home, not talking to anypony and simply staring up at the clouds. She'd always brush off anypony who tried to ask her anything about it, but it also seemed that, following Scootaloo's absence, there had been quite a few more storms than there normally were with black lightning of all things.

"What do we do now, Apple Bloom," Sweetie Belle asked. "How can we be the Cutie Mark Crusaders without Scootaloo?" Apple Bloom shrugged, looking on the verge of tears. The clouds started rolling in again, thunder far off in the distance.

"Maybe we should head inside, Sweetie Belle," she said. "There's another storm comin' in." Sweetie Belle frowned; it just didn't seem right to give up, but there wasn't a whole else that they could do. Celestia only knew where Scootaloo was or if she'd ever come back. Or worse, if she'd even be the same when she did.

Twilight watched the black lightning outside, laying in a heap of books on the floor. The unicorn had checked through every single book in the library multiple times, and even gone through everything in the Canterlot library just as much with less luck finding out why the storms were happening or how to stop them them when she started. Even Zecora didn't have much information. All that she knew was that they'd started around the same time Scootaloo disappeared. She finally just returned all the books to their shelves and retired to bed, hoping in vain that something would come to her in her dreams. The very next day, however, much to everypony's surprise, something very astounding happened. A bright orange Pegasus fully flew just over the horizon, her mauve mane and tail were much longer now and even had a sparkling shown to them. Most surprising of all was the large broadsword and kite shield on the pegasus's flank. That, however, wasn't nearly as strange as the mark on the right side of her neck or the gem necklace. Fittingly enough, Rainbow Dash was the first one to greet the long lost Pegasus pony who'd looked up to her for years. Rainbow Dash flew faster than ever, embracing Scootaloo as the two lowered to the ground. Rainbow neither noticed not questioned the filly's new appearence, but was too overcome by joy at her return.

"Scootaloo, you're home," Rainbow said, tears in her eyes. "I can't believe that your finally home!" the filly hugged her back, equally happy to see the rainbow-maned pony again.

"Guess what, Rainbow Dash? Not only can I fly now, but I got my cutie mark too!"

"That's so awesome, kid."

"Rainbow Dash, as much fun as it is seeing you again after all this time, do you think that I could see my friends too?" Rainbow Dash, forcing every fiber of her body in order to will it, released her grip on the filly, flying around with her. Her friends were just as happy for Scootaloo, though seeming lukewarm at best compared to Rainbow Dash's welcome.

"Scootaloo, we missed you so much," Sweetie Belle said.

"Where were you this whole time," Apple Bloom asked.

"And where'd you get that necklace?" Scootaloo looked down at the necklace.

"Oh this! Well, it was a sword; it's really complicated. Look, maybe I should start from the very beginning. It was about, what was if here, four maybe five months, right?"

"You might you don't know," Sweetie Belle asked.

"It's been kind of a while and I'm getting to that. Anyway, I don't know how I got there, but I was take recruited by Mr. Sanchez, and he trained me to fight. I rose up through the ranks, became the leader of a mercenary group, and was even adopted, hence the mark. The necklace is actually quite an interesting story behind it. Let me just show you." she transformed into a large dragon, reverting a nearby tree into a newborn sprout, and reverting it back and returning to her normal body. "It's pretty exhausting, so just bear with me. It's called the Sword of Wishes, I don't know all the details but it has the power to grant the user's greatest wish, hence immense magical  power. My cutie mark and flying just sorta happened in the intervening time. It's bit more complicated than that but I just felt that hitting the most important stuff was easier."

Standing just on the tip of the very highest point of Canterlot castle, an olive alicorn with dark brown hair, his long wings outstretched and his large long pointed horn glowing with bright white energy. He looked out at the clearing black lightning clouds slowly dispersing. Prince Blueblood looked up at the figure.

"Who are you? I demand that you remove yourself from my castle forthwith." the alicorn didn't move, he simply glanced at the pompous but ultimately insignificant specimen on the balcony below.

"There's no earthly way of knowing, which direction we are going," he responded, not facing Blueblood. "There's no knowing where they're rowing, or which way the river's flowing." The prince looked back at him with confusion.

"Excuse me?" the alicorn ignored him and continued, now facing him with his dark green eyes turned to the unicorn in distaste.

"Is it raining? Is it snowing? Is a hurricane a-blowing?!" he leapt down from the tower and landed in front of the prince, his expression degrading further and further to scorn then anger, the prince backed to the railing. "Not a speck of light is showing, so the danger must be growing! Is the ghastly reaper mowing?!? YES!!" he hoisted Blueblood up over the railing dangling him over the drop. "Are the fires of Hell a-glowing?! The danger must be growing BECAUSE THE GODDAMN ROWERS KEPT ON ROWING!! AND THEY CERTAINLY ARE NOT SHOWING ANY SIGNS THAT THEY...ARE...SLOWING!!!!" With all his might and the force of a gale wind, he threw the Prince off the tower and landed with blunt and brutal trauma dead center in the square. A dusty brown earth pony in a dark green wool cap looked at the now unmoving corpse of Blueblood, turning his gaze to the olive alicorn.

"Overkill much, dad," Charlie asked. He nodded, clearing his throat and turning to him.

"I think I might've gone too overboard with that, Charlie. Have you seen Lacey Alexis?"

"She's still around the castle with Katie,"Charlie explained. "I sorta came in when you were shouting at him and he kissed the pavement at Mach 1. Is Skylar back yet?"

"She said she had some things she had to deal with 'back home.'" he looked at his hooves in frustration. "It's so hard to air quote without fingers. Charlie, go see how Uncle Thom, Grandpa, and Uncle Xekkyl are doing underground." Charlie gave a half-hearted look at his father.

"Dad, I'm 13. Besides, anyone above the age of 6 can tell that you and Xekkyl are basically the same person but with a can of black spray paint and a closet ripped out of Hot Topic. C'mon, dad, I was poor, but that doesn't mean I wasn't stupid enough to read or use the library computers. Explain to me exactly why we're horses?"

"Ponies, actually; horses are a bit bigger. I suppose that it's simply the universe's interpretation of us as beings not of this universe, thus we take on the likeness of the most common species. It's complex, but you'll get used to it if you've gone through it as many times as I have." he transformed into a tall well-built man roughly in his early thirties with short dark hair. He clenched and unclenched his fists reflexively, before finally sighing.

"I'm glad that our powers are in tact, and that I have hands, but I miss having a tail now; kinda a weird phantom limb thing now. The wings too, I can't tell you how long I've wanted wings. The horn..." he stopped in mid-sentence. "Well, you're 13; I'm sure you know where that's going. Go find Katie, I have drinking to do."

Twilight had noticed that the black lightning storms had finally cleared up, Rainbow Dash having come out of her could home must've meant that Scootaloo was back even though she still didn't fully understand why they'd started when she left. Spike suddenly got her attention, coughing up a new scroll. However, his one didn't have the princess's formal seal. Instead, it was a scriptural S on the wax seal. She opened it and held it in front of her.

"To whom it may concern, I have taken siege to your palace and am now assimilating your world as I write. You will be glad to know that this world shall be under a new, more deserving regime than its former, weaker 'goddess' Best wishes to you and all others, His Royal Majesty King Zander T. Sanchez the First, Creator and Ruler of the Dream Realm. Dictated but not read." Twilight ripped the letter in half, Spike scanning the two halves at his feet.

"Twilight, what are you going to do," he asked skeptically.

"I'm going to stop this Zander Sanchez before he destroys Equestria and does who-even-knows to the Princesses. You stay here, it might be too dangerous." she left to find her friends, knowing that they could think up a plan to stop this.

Scootaloo explained to them all the fantastic adventures she went on, all her battles, and all the friends and does alike she'd encountered, delighted that they enjoyed her stories.

"Guys," she finally said. "I know that this is gonna sound really stupid, but how would you like to come with me?"

"What," they said in shock.

"But ya just got back," Apple Bloom protested.

"Don't you like it here in Ponyville with us," Sweetie Belle added.

"I've always wanted something more out of this. Now, with Zander, the sky doesn't even have to be the limit anymore. For any of us! Think about it, girls, I'd have never gotten my cutie mark if I didn't wind up in the Omniverse. We can became faster, stronger, succeed in something much greater than any of us--mostly you two--can possibly imagine. I promise you absolutely nothing will happen to you; Pinkie Pie promise." she did the gestures that went along with the bizarre ritual. "Zander says that the word of a Sanchez is the most unbreakable bound there is. What do you say?" the two shuffled away, huddling and whispering to each other before trotting back.

"Scootaloo," Apple Bloom said, the Pegasus nodding in anticipation. "We accept." they high-hooved in celebration of their agreement.

"Cutie Mark Crusader Best Friends Forever!" Sweetie Belle was the first to say anything, the three sitting around for several minutes.

"Well, now what?" Scootaloo tapped a hoof on her chin several times in deep, contemplative thought before an epiphany struck.

"Wait here. I'll be right back in a second." she extended her wings, which were now much larger and flew off. She made it just outside of town before she finally realized that she hadn't actually followed her family and instead immediately went back to her friends. "This could take forever." she looked down at the crystal necklace, glowing with magical energy. "Oh, duh. I don't  need to know where they are." she teleported away, appearing just outside the ballroom of Canterlot Castle. Compared to Sanchez Palace, it was noticeably smaller but no less breathtaking, but then Diana had described the Golden Palace of Seltoria to be quite magnificent.  She looked in, noticing a light pink, red maned freckled earth pony with large green eyes looking begrudgingly at an overhead flying purple alicorn with a long black mane.

"Check it out, Katie," she said. "I can fly! With wings and everything."

"You could do that anyway," she protested.

"And I can use magic."

"Lacey Alexis, you could already use magic. Besides I thought you hated using magic, and just focused on weapons and fighting." Lacey Alexis rolled her eyes, hovering in front of her little sister.

"You're just jealous because I have wings, and a horn, and you have neither." Katie blushed angrily, beginning to glow. "Ooh, I'm shaking. Don't try to possess me again; you might fly into a wall like every other time." Katie's body turned ethereal and entered Lacey Alexis's body, before suddenly regaining solidity and soaring into a wall. Before she could hit the ground, Lacey Alexis caught her with her magic and gently set her back down. "C'mon, your my little sister and one of my best friends."

"Aww, Lacey," Katie said.

"Besides, do you know how long Dad would ground me for if you got hurt? I mean, I got stuff planned this whole month." Katie's expression immediately deadpanned.

"Oh, you really know just what to say, sis."

"and so will you when you're my age," Lacey Alexis said condescendingly, patting Katie on the head. "Sky, you can come in. I can sense your aura from here, kid." Scootaloo entered. "Y'know, you're a great assassin, but you're not fooling your own big sister. What's up?"

"I kinda wanted to ask dad something. Where is he?"

"He said something about 'breaking in his new horn' and I think I know what that means," she said, crossing her arms. "Though, given the sparing amount of boys, I imagine Collin would need to be on a leash. Just check the master bedroom."

"Thanks. Before I go, you wouldn't mind a couple friends staying with me for a while, right?" Lacey Alexis waved her hoof nonchalantly.

"Kid, if there your friends, they've got to cool." Scootaloo smiled warmly.

A trio of very tall alicorns stood in the center of a tunnel, burrowing deeper and deeper until finally hitting a glowing mass of energy.

"Whoa," the dark one said. His horn was cracked and his black mane was slicked back, and his long wings were pointed at the tips and jagged. His thin lips curled back into a sharp-toothed grin. He reverted to a tall and muscularly-built man with shredding dark eyes in a suit of black armor and heavy dark iron gloves. The armor and gloves coursed with dark energy, his smile only growing wider. The other two stopped digging. "You just never get tired of seeing the very core of a universe. It's almost transcendent, humbling if you will; it would be if I could even feel humility." the oldest of the three transformed back into a similar man with long grey hair and soft dark green eyes, showing the years of hard work and suffering but beauty throughout his years.

"So, this is a universe's core," he asked.

"That's right, pops," the third alicorn said.

"I'm kinda new at this whole thing, Thom. Divine power, eternal life, dimensional travel, indestructibility, insurmountable wealth, let's you see you die for four millennia and just jump right back into life." the man growled.

"General, Thomas, if you're done with your Gilmore Girls bullshit, let's just divide up this world between Allies. I have a schedule to keep, souls to sell, deals to make."

"Christy has it covered, Xekkyl," Thom said. "Why don't you go back up and take a break; smoke, drink, take a woman, eat someone, whatever the hell you do to unwind. Zander said that he would give us a signal." Zander walked down the tunnel, twirling a long silver cane with a small white ball of light on the end wearing a tall white top hat with a black brim and a black rose in the brim.

"Ladies. Zander is a bit...occupied, so therefore he sent a clone to carry out a message to you."

"Then, what's with the hat and cane," Xekkyl asked.

"This was simply for me. Now then, he told me to notify you gentlemen that we may begin universal absorption within exactly one week, this universe's time. Don't want to arose suspicion, do we?"

"What the fuck are you talking about," Xekkyl demanded. "Anything they could throw at us, anything any universe can throw at us, has never been any more harmful than a fly. Why should we care if the insignificant little afterbirths arise suspicion?!?"

"It's about secrecy, Xekkyl. You were Zander Sanchez at some point, just because you have a different name and an L on your neck." Xekkyl's fists clenched, the energy surging around  his gauntlets before finally his fists unclenched.

"One week, this universe. So much as a second later, I will assimilate the core myself and  I will take this universe for the Nightmare Realm." the clone nodded.

"I shall relay your demand to Zander, said that he was going to be gone on an...errand of sorts. He didn't disclose information, and requested that I don't speak of it as it was erased from my mind. I may be a clone created mere moments ago, but I do have all of Zander's thoughts, memories, and feelings; perfectly undetected, and identical to the real thing."

"That's amazing. I can do the same thing, right," Timothy asked. Thom nodded. "Alright, later Zander's clone." the clone evaporated, and the other three teleported away.

Twilight continued to go through everything in vain to find some scrap of information, but found nothing about anything, her friends had given up by now but she decided to continue searching. An olive alicorn teleported in, shapeshifting into his humanoid form. He looked over her shoulder, scanning over the book and looking over the stacks.

"So, what exactly are you trying to find," he asked. Twilight didn't turn to face whoever was behind her, too deep into her search to ask any questions.

"I'm looking for any information regarding Zander Sanchez." he smirked.

"Well, c'mon, it can't be that hard. I'm the biggest celebrity ever known, ruler and creator of the most powerful universe in All Known Existence, I'm a Sanchez, and what am I forgetting? Oh yes, that teeny tiny little fact that I'm king of the gods. Or, y'know, you could try my Facebook page. Google, Twitter, YouTube, Tumblr, Reddit, whatever that last one is; I'm all over the place." the unicorn was beginning to question him, and what he was actually saying, a lot of it sounding very curious.

"What do you mean," she asked, turning only to see nopony there. "Get ahold of yourself, Twilight. You're just a little paranoid."

"Or you could look right in front of you." she turned back around to see Zander, standing right in front of her. He bowed low to the ground, placing his hands in his pockets. Twilight's eyes widened in amazement at the sight of the strange man before her. Zander merely gave a modest smile at seeing Twilight's reaction; being a reality-bending immortal Ancient God, a unicorn wasn't the most fantastic and mind-blowing he'd seen that day. "It's nice to meet you too, Twilight Sparkle."

Nopony Wants to Hear You Sing About Tragedy

"What are you doing here," Twilight demanded. "What have you done with Princess Celestia?" he smiled, pulling out a large silver flask and taking a swig.

"Simple, she's gone," he said flatly. "As for the other question, I wanted a new world; yours came up, and, as they say, Reliqua amittitur in tempore. She is no longer here." he finished with another swig.

"What are you saying," she asked, growing increasing frustrated. She could tell that Zander was taking great joy in her anger.

"I'm not understanding what you need me to elaborate on. She is now mine." his hand glowed light green energy and his short dark hair began flowing with intense magical energy albeit briefly. He snapped his fingers and the sun lowered to indicate the time more clearly; it had been dusk for almost two hours now. Twilight tensed up in rage, here eyes tearing up. She was at a complete and total loss for words or even any sort of movement and paralyzed with so many strong emotions and Zander simply continuing on. "I must admit, I always do enjoy the taste of power even one as weak as this. Her body was not very useful to me after I took her power, her strength, even her soul." he smirked, seeing Twilight only get angrier. "I have no use for a paper weight nor that worthless nephew of hers; doubt that guards would even come to him. I've passed things of greater authority than that slug." he took another swig, shaking the flask experimentally and frowning. Twilight's eyes narrowed, getting ready to charge at him but he simply lifted her telekinetically. "I can tell exactly what you think of me; it's rare that I read a mind just as advanced as mine, and your magical arsenal is quite impressive though I know that you wouldn't take up an offer for more advanced training by someone you perceive to be evil. I do not wish to conquer your world, in fact I want it for myself."

"Then why not take it," Twilight asked. Her curiosity of the man who killed her mentor had overtaken even her anger for him. "Why this world?" Zander smiled.

"I am Jack's sense of self-satisfaction. You, I assume, must be the cat, watching a fish swimming back and forth in its bowl and curious of how to catch it." he cleared his throat, taking the last swig of his flask. "It's really hard to keep that up, y'know. Listen, I'm a connoisseur of sorts, having been given or simply taking everything I got. So, I spend my immortal days simply going through universe to universe and judging them. Some I conquer, some I pillage, some I destroy, and I've gone to places where I do all three. You'd be amazed at how three thousand-plus years and divine power and insurmountable wealth gets pretty boring after a while. Anyway, you can't stop me because there's no point. Within one week, this world will be a new territory and you and your friends will be protected by all costs from anyone with a knife, anyone with an addiction, or any long-legged beasties that go bump in the night. I don't want to fight you, but I will oblige if you escalate."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because only you can see or hear me and I feel it best to establish that, though I am not a threat, I can be your worst nightmares brought to reality. Besides, I'm an old man; someone needs to listen to my ramblings. I'll be around, and don't forget what I said. Wouldn't want to have to hurt such a pretty face." he teleported Twilight away with a snap of his fingers, and pulled out a brass flask shaking it experimentally before unscrewing the cap and taking a swig. He turned to see Scootaloo looking up at him. "Yes?"

"I was looking everywhere for you, daddy," she crossed her front hooves in frustration. He sighed and knelt down next to her.

"What is it, Skylar? Can't you just loot the treasury or go bother your sister?" her pouting expression didn't change or show any sign of shifting, before Zander eventually just gave up. "Alright, angel, what is it?" Scootaloo uncrossed her front hooves and took a deep breath.

"Daddy, I wanted to ask you if I could bring some friends back home with us because they really want to come with and I don't want be separated from my best friends forever and ever as long as I was when I became your apprentice," she said in a single breath, panting afterwards till she got her second wind. "So, daddy, can I tell them they can come with us?" she concluded with the largest pleading eyes and best puppy dog expression she could make, noticing it worked for her sister Bridgette and even moreso for her little cousin Betty; in fact, Scootaloo even took full advantage of her ability to cry on cue by tearing up for added effect. "Please daddy." Zander had only been half paying attention to most of her charade and had just finished off the last drops of his second flask.

"Well okay, fine," he said faking defeat, immediately getting a tight hug from Scootaloo. "But, you have to get me something strong." Scootaloo released her grip and teleported a large old glass bottle filled to the brim with dark amber liquid and a black label written in a bizarre language. "That outta do it." he took the glass bottle, ripping out the cork and taking a long swig and shuttering with pleasure.

"So, can we take them back with us or not?" he nodded absently, and motioned her away. Scootaloo squealed and flew away.

"I'm a good father." he took a long deep swig from the bottle. "I don't know where he got this from, but I'm glad he got it."

A young Pegasus pony with a lilac coat and long chestnut brown hair, and a large pair of pitch-black wings flew down from the clouds. She finally stopped and landed just outside a large white castle. She groaned in frustration, looking up at the black wings.

"These wings are so unreliable," she moaned. "Why can't I just use my own wings? Stupid universe." Xekkyl teleported to a balcony, stretching his legs and arms and the armor groaning and the surging energy realigning and rearranging across his body. Her wings stretched and she flew up to the balcony, hovering in front of him. Xekkyl turned, suddenly noticing the girl in front of him. She smiled brightly, brushing her mane to one side and revealing the scriptural L on her neck. "Hi daddy. How long before you come back home?" he sighed, telekinetically moving her onto the balcony next to him, placing his hand on her head as she transformed into a young girl with large raven wings. "I got my wings back!"

"Christy, try to focus, honey," Xekkyl said, snapping his fingers. "I have exactly one week, this world's time. This world will be ours soon." Christy rolled her eyes, crossing her arms.

"Whatever. Where's Skylar?"

"Why should I care? Did you take care of my business?" she nodded. "Good, I suppose that some of my more personal matters can be taken care of. Lacey Alexis is in the throne room; feel free to explore this backwater shack all you want." he soon teleports away, leaving Christy to explore the castle on her own.

Scootaloo finally flew back to the clubhouse, smiling brightly as her two best friends crowded around her.

"Well, do we get to go or not," Sweetie Belle asked eagerly. Scootaloo nodded and all three fillies squealed excitedly as Scootaloo teleported the three of them to the castle, only to end up in a throne room with a girl with long black hair and a lacy funereal dress sitting casually in Celestia's throne with her legs draped over the arm of the throne and texting, chuckling at the occasional response. She briefly looked up to see the Cutie Mark Crusaders, her expression not very moved.

"Hi Lacey Alexis, these are my friends Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom." they waved to her, before Lacey Alexis turned back to her phone and nodded absently. "Where's daddy?"

"North tower with Uncle Thom." she looked at the reviewed text and chuckled a bit. "Heh, slut; when Tyler finds out, he is going to flip the hell out. I'd give anything to see how that goes down." she sent another text, chuckling at the response as the three left.

"So, she's yer sister," Apple Bloom asked. Scootaloo nodded.

"That's Lacey Alexis," Scootaloo explained. "She's smart, she's from the future, she's really strong, and this one time she headshot a guy from 350 feet with a handgun." Lacey Alexis looked down at her phone, reading the number.

"What," she asked. "Kelly, Kelly calm down. For Creator's sake, it's not like you...well, just tell her to quit being such a pussy. Bones heal, eventually. Kelly, you're overreacting. If Charlie cheated on me, I wouldn't break his legs and shoot his dog in front of him. Well, that's a good point, but at least I'm honest about it." there was a knock at the door. "One sec, Florence Nightingale. It's open! Where were we? I think about the part you castrated him." a young girl with sparkling light purple hair dropped in from a glowing symbol on the ceiling in a dark red jacket and pale green shirt. A little girl in a glittery lilac T-shirt and short light brown hair, with the same dark amber eyes as her big sister. "I'll call you back, Kel."

"Hey Lacey, my parents told me to watch Pixie for the day and she insisted on coming with me to hang with you."

"Well, this is the longest I've seen Pixie sit still for? Did you drug her or something?"

"Nope, just turns out I'm really good at this whole 'magic' thing. Y'know, being a Critona I've seen some weird places, but I don't think I've ever seen one as strange as everyone being replaced with horses."

"Ponies, actually," Lacey Alexis corrected her. "They're too small to be horses." Pixie finally managed to move and started bouncing off the walls and talking as fast as she could possibly comprehend.

"I wanna see the ponies, Moxie," she whined. "Can I? Can I? Can I? I'll be extra good. Are there griffins? And dragons? And bunnies? And I'd this like the universe where everything was made of cotton candy? I bet it's even better than that!" before Pixie could go rushing off, Moxie waved her wand and trapped Pixie in an invisible box, which Pixie tried to escape from by ramming against the walls.

"Slow down there, half-pint. Mom said I have to watch you, and I honestly don't care." Pixie started thrashing around in the invisible box, inaudibly screaming and throwing a tantrum. "See, Lace. Told you I was good at this whole magic thing." Pixie started soundlessly sobbing inside the invisible box, Moxie simply pretending to ignore her. Pixie continued her sobbing until her tears eventually filled the box and released her still sobbing at Moxie's boots. She groaned in exasperation.

"Fine, Pixie," she said finally. "You can go look around. Just stop whining and sobbing; you're giving me a headache." Pixie's charade immediately ended, as she beamed and hugged her sister. "Just go with Charlie or something."

"Charlie's here?!" Lacey Alexis nodded and Pixie flew off, pausing in mid dash only briefly passing the Cutie Mark Crusaders. "Hi Skylar, bye Skylar, bye Skylar's friends."

"Hi Pixie," Scootaloo said. "How's Moxie?" the hyperactive little girl had already bolted halfway down the hall and turned the corner before turning and going in the other direction. Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle looked back at Scootaloo. "I only know her indirectly through Lacey Alexis. Our sisters hang out a lot."

Twilight sat on the library floor with her friends, explaining what happened last night and how Zander 'killed' Princess Celestia and took over Equestria.

"The Elements won't work on him, so how can we possibly stop him? Rainbow Dash, do you have any ideas?" the blue Pegasus shook her head clear.

"Well, come to think of it, Sweetie Belle has been gone ever since Scootaloo returned from wherever she left to. Plus, she came back with that absolutely ravishing necklace.

"We could always try asking him why he's here," Fluttershy said, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Ooh, we could throw him a big party and bake him an extra special cake. We could all hide in it and spy on him. I can go get my spy suit right now."

"Pinkie, that's a brilliant idea," Twilight said.

"Well, of course it is. Who doesn't like a party?"

"Not that part," Twilight said. "The part about spying on him. Pinkie Pie, do you think you could go to Canterlot and see what he's up to?"

"Sure I can, Twilight," the pink mare said. Twilight hesitated slightly.

"On second thought, why don't I come with Rainbow Dash," Twilight said finally. "We'll go to the castle and see what Zander Sanchez is planning, the rest of you scout around for anypony who might have information." Twilight teleported them all to Canterlot, the teams splitting up and going their respective ways.

Charlie, still in his pony form, trotted alongside a small bright pink filly with short brown hair and spiked hooves. Her dark brown eyes kept wandering down to her feet, as she unknowingly flicked her tail in thought.

"Charlie, why did the rest of us get horns, wings, both, or neither, and yet I get spiked hooves? I don't know what that's supposed to mean? I mean, the Map was vague about this place but, by the Law of Transdimensional Transmogrification, I should be a unicorn. I think. Charlie, are you even listening?" Charlie snapped back and turned to her.

"Sorry, Marcy. I told you I didn't want to go poking around this place. There's a lot of stuff and people here we don't understand, so it's best we try to blend in as best as we can." Marcy crossed her front hooves.

"Daddy said that you had to come with me. I'm almost 10-years-old and he still treats me like a baby."

"Well, dad does really stretch his immortality and divine regeneration by drinking his half his body weight a day. It's amazing he can even remember his own name, let alone how old you are. Plus, you were lost for nearly 30 years, Omniverse time; dad just doesn't want to let go of his shy little girl, even though you didn't come back as the same Marcy who left."

"What's that supposed to mean," she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, when you first came back, you couldn't even say two words to anyone without dad or Lacey pushing you into it, even though you could throw a guy twice your size to the moon with one hand and destroy a planet with your magical powers." Marcy blushed.

"Aww, Charlie. That's so sweet."

"Now, you're a lot more outgoing and mature, but dad probably just doesn't want to let you go. I might not know that, but I did watch a lot of movies and some tropes just seem to crop up a lot more often than you'd think." Marcy smiled.

"That still doesn't explain why I have spikes on my feet, hooves, whatever. Can I just use my own body?"

"It'd seem a bit conspicuous, don't you think?" Marcy blew a stray lock of hair out of face in annoyance.

"Charlie, we're Sanchezes. We come from a large, extensive, and very powerful family of gods, demigods, superhumans, angels, demons, and several other human and non-human species and walk through dimensions like it's nothing. Daddy, on his own, has conquered and even destroyed entire solar systems for sport. Finally, we have S's magically burned onto our necks to symbolize our allegiance and familial bonds. Everything about us is conspicuous." Charlie nodded finally.

"Fair enough." unlike most of his adopted family, Charlie was a bit quicker to admitting when he was bested, even if it was by his own 9-year-old little sister. Marcy suddenly transformed into a little girl in a short dark red dress that ended just above her knees and jeans. Her hair and eyes remained the same, though she obviously lost her tail and spikes. "What about me?" Marcy sighed and focused on him, muttering under her breath as he transformed into a boy in a ratty jacket and slight torn dark olive shirt and ripped jeans. Charlie pulled a white ring out of his jacket pocket and put it on. "At least with the White Power Ring, I'll be able to keep my body." despite this, he reverted back to his pony body.

"You forgot to activate it," March said coyly. He leered at her. Two ponies passed by, looking in disgust at them. Both of them were unicorns, sweaters tied around their necks and draped over their back casually.

"Oh my, Canterlot really has lost its luster if such gutter trash is allowed to wander into our town."

"Oh, indeed," the second one concurred. "I mean, what has this place become if we let in such riff-raff?"

"You wanna watch what you say, douchebag," Charlie said, Marcy trying to keep him calm.

"Excuse me," the first pony asked. "I believe that you should know your place."

"I'm a Sanchez, and so's my sister," he shot back. "So, you can start apologizing and kissing my feet or you can do it while picking up your teeth."

"Charlie, these dime-store backwater swill aren't worth getting your hands dirty over," Marcy said. The two ponies gasped.

"You were any sort of civilized gentlemen, you would know how to raise your sister to be a more proper young lady." Marcy's hand enveloped in flames as one of them started trotting off, Marcy punched the mare in jaw. Other ponies around the square turned and took immediate notice of this. The other unicorn rushed to her side, staring at Charlie in discontent. "You can start by showing her not to act like a common street thug." Charlie reverted to his human form, replacing the ring on his finger as it glowed a bright white light.

"Alright, class is in session. What'd ya say, Marc? Let's teach these hicks how to respect authority." the two cracked their knuckles simultaneously, Marcy forming a mace from her right hand.

Our Lawyers Made us Change the Name of This Chapter so we Wouldn't Get Sued

Rarity, Applejack, and Fluttershy overheard the fight and rushed over to it, seeing a large group of ponies gathering towards it.

"What in tarnation is goin' on," Applejack asked. One mare stopped and turned to them.

"There's some huge fight going on right now," she said. "I heard it's getting pretty rough." the three followed the mare to see the two unicorns, horribly bruised and coughing blood while two figures stood over them.

"Y'see," Charlie said. "Now you made all these nice people get so worked up, just because you don't have any class. You're not even worth the dirt you live in." the two responded with unintelligible gurgling, spitting out teeth and blood before apologizing desperately.

"Now, I believe you owe my brother something," Marcy said, crossing her arms. The two dragged their bodies over to his feet and kissed his shoes, licking the stray blood from the leather before he motioned them to stop.

"Show's over, everyone," he announced. "Nothing to see here; just go about your business." the crowd slowly dispersed, murmuring amongst themselves while Charlie and Marcy left. Rarity, Applejack, and Fluttershy were in pursuit of them before the two stopped and turned to face them. "Listen, it's nice that you came all this way, but I'm afraid we won't be signing autographs."

"What did you do to them," Rarity demanded. She did recognize the two, if only briefly as the two ponies who ended up giving her a hard time during her visit to Canterlot, but she still didn't see how they would deserve a punishment that harsh.

"Whoa, whoa, you might wanna cool down, sweetheart," Charlie said. "I'll admit, it's not often that I bust out like that, I'm not that kind of guy. Then, I'm a Sanchez.” He said this before he and Marcy revealed the same scriptural S on their necks as Scootaloo. “I'm not gonna just take shit lying down. Wow, I'm sorry; this is a really bad first impression, totally my fault. Let's start over, I'm Charlie Sanchez, and this is my little sister."

"Marcella, but everyone calls me Marcy for short," she chimed in. The others were unfazed by their casual attitude, given nearly beating two ponies into a coma not five minutes before. Fluttershy, however, seemed all for doing anything that didn't involve two people who could each mangle a pony in just a few minutes.

"Look, they tried to start something, we taught 'em a lesson. You're not exactly solving a Rubix cube with both hands behind your back...or I suppose hooves, if most of you are ponies. I think I might've seen a zebra on the way here, but I don't know what direction that's supposed to go in."

"Y’all think ya c'n just—" Applejack started before Rarity spoke.

"Applejack, let Fluttershy speak." Fluttershy shook her head fiercely before Rarity pushed her in front of them. "It's alright, dear; go on now."

"Umm...well, w-we'd like to askyouafewquestions," she blurted out, shutting her eyes tightly and bracing herself. "I-if that's okay."

"Sure, whatever," Charlie said, sliding his hands in his pockets; out of nowhere, a little girl with short light brown hair teleported in and tackled Charlie, skipping around him.

"Yay! I found you, Charlie. I looked all over the castle for you, and you weren't even there, but Katie said you went for a walk with Marcy so I found you." before she could continue any further, Marcy telekinetically pulled the hyperactive little girl off of Charlie. She looked at Pixie and she suddenly went silent, though still continued to move her lips while no noise came out.

"This is Pixie Stardust, by the way. She's not with us, she's just my big sister's friend Moxie's little sister. Everyone calls her Pixie because she's really small and always seems like she ate a whole box of Pixi Stix." Pixie rushed over to the three, mutely squealing and gushing over the three of them with quickening pace. “Marcy, maybe you should get her out of here before she explodes or something.” Marcy teleported Pixie away with a snap of her fingers, turning to the three once more. “Okay, ask away.” Before they could speak, Marcy’s pocket buzzed briefly and she pulled out her phone checking the message. She tugged at the end of Charlie’s sleeve and he read over the text himself. "Listen, we gotta go. Catch you later." the two teleported away in a flash of bright light.

Zander sat in his personally constructed throne, drinking out of a wine bottle and tossing the empty bottle out of the open window. His brother Thom and Xekkyl doing the same with theirs.

"Guys, there's no other way to say this," he started. "Should I bring back sacrifices? I kinda feel like they're long overdue for a comeback."

"I am 110% behind you on that, man," Xekkyl said overly excited. "You're finally making good decisions. Fuck yes!"

"I don't mean human sacrifice, dumbass," Zander said bitterly. "I think we already know your stance on that."

"I don't see why not," Thom said. "There's just something so personal and generous about sacrifices that you can't simply get from prayer and worship alone. Go for it; as your right-hand man, I say go."

"Bro, you have got to just fucking do something!"

"Xekkyl, are you on something?"

"Monster kicks fucking ass, man. Spike that shit with some vodka, it's like an explosion!" he slammed his black armored fist straight through the solid stone wall. "I've just never been this AWAKE!" he finally collapsed on the floor. "Okay, maybe once." there was a knock at the door.

"It's open," Thom called. The door opened and the three fillies entered the circular stone room. "Skylar, these must be your friends. Sorry about the decor, we're not planning on staying so why bother redecorating right?"

"Skylar, it's so good to see you again," Zander said, hugging her before both brothers reverted to their pony forms. "It warms all three of my hearts."

"Hi daddy, these are my best friends Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle." the two stared at him in amazement, mesmerized by the mysterious man before them. "This is my Uncle Thom and passed out on the floor is my Uncle Xekkyl. He's usually a lot more violent and active."

"You two seem really familiar," he said. "Never mind. So Skylar, you wanted to ask me something?"

"Oh, right," Scootaloo said blushing lightly, "Daddy, can they come with us back home?"

"Of course, princess," he said. "You two come back to this castle in, let's see, four days 6 pm sharp. Don't pack too heavy, and just remember that you can always visit Skylar when this place is seized."

"Seized," Apple Bloom asked.

"You'll understand when we get there. Skylar?" she saluted him, leading the other two outside.

"Why did he call you Skylar," Sweetie Belle asked.

"There's a time for everything," Scootaloo explained. "This isn't the time. I'll tell you everything, but you gotta trust me on this."

Charlie and Marcy teleported into the tower, in front of Timothy.

"We got your text, grandpa," Marcy said. "On a related note, ever think of using AutoCorrect?"

"I've been dead for millennia and I'm texting with hooves," he retorted, lifting his front leg in front of her. "You could cut me some slack here. I've been in four wars, and I'm still trying to figure out what this whole immortality thing is about. 2014 is a very complicating year, like somehow 4,115 is the new 2,780. I don't even know if that's supposed to be a good thing!" he sighed in exasperation, collapsing back in his chair.

"Well, look at it this way, grandpa," Charlie said optimistically. "By next year, we'll have self-lacing shoes, hover boards, flying cars, and alternative fuels." Timothy stared back at his grandson in confusion, but Marcy stopped him before he could speak.

"Just let him have this," she said. "We all have dreams." he nodded, clearing his throat and taking the last swig of a bottle of aged wine. "So what's this about another kingdom?" Timothy scratched the back of his head before transforming back his human body.

"Ah, yes! That's right. There's another place, but far out of the way, but we should probably make sure we have absolutely no resistance on any sides. That's how it worked in the wars."

"This is a real place, too," Marcy asked skeptically, crossing her arms. "Not just some wild goose chase or something to keep us out of the way while the grown-ups get all the fun?" he shook his head.

"The library said something about a Crystal Empire, and if your dad finds, don't you think he'll want a piece of that?" Marcy imagined an entire crystal empire briefly, lighting up and squealing at the thought. "You sure we couldn't get the boy with short hair? Sure he'd probably do it."

"Grandpa, Freddy couldn't have come, remember," Marcy reminded him. "He's dealing with some important business in the Magical World, and it was strictly requested that at least one of us deal with it." Marcy sighed, her boyfriend away in Hex Castle, probably being taught some new powers that King Fabian would simply hand-wave an excuse at when questioned like she 'wasn't ready' or 'too young' to control it. Charlie's conversation with their grandfather seemed like a distant blur as she realized just how far into her own thoughts she was.

"Did you get all that, Marcy," Charlie asked. She nodded absently. "You seemed kinda spaced out for a minute. I could explain it a bit."

"I got it, Charlie," she snapped. "I am a lieutenant, after all. You don't have to treat me like I'm three." Charlie stepped back a bit defensively.

"Okay, Marc. I'm sorry. Can we get going to this Crystal Empire?"

"Be back by dinner," Timothy said absently before taking a nap. The two teleported away again, ending up in a frozen tundra, seeing a glowing dome just a few miles in the distance.

"Listen Charlie, I didn't mean to yell at you like that," Marcy started.

"You don't need to apologize," Charlie said casually. "You're my little sister, and family isn't just holding hands under a rainbow and singing songs. Hell, I kinda think it breaks the monotony a bit." Marcy smiled back at him, a small red bird perching on her shoulder and flapping its wings. As the bird did this, the two began feeling much warmer and stopped succumbing to the cold. "I'm really glad that it just so happens my little sister has a fire familiar." he hugged her and the two trudged along.

"We'll probably need to step it up if we want to get there and back in time," Marcy said. The Phoenix grew to about the size of a small boat, the two getting on its back and flying over to the dome.

Twilight looked around at the shattered stained glass windows and torn carpet of the throne room. Celestia's stone throne had been smashed to pieces and there was speckling of blood sparsely across the room showing that the Princess did put up quite a fight but it was obvious that she lost...badly.

"This Zander's got to be pretty tough to beat Princess Celestia this badly," Rainbow Dash remarked, unknowingly twisting the knife in Twilight's heart even harder. "Twilight?" The unicorn tried to hold back tears of both pain and anger, rubbing her eyes.

"Twilight, are you feeling okay," Pinkie asked, seeing obvious concern in her friend's expression. Twilight nodded, trying to collect herself.

"I'm fine, Pinkie Pie," she said briefly. "Let's just look around."

"Well, don't strain yourselves, ladies," Zander's voice echoed mockingly.

"Did you hear that," Twilight asked. Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie exchanged looks at Twilight and shook their heads. "I could've sworn I heard something."

"That's because you still can," Zander laughed. Twilight spun around, searching for the origin of his voice.

"Where are you," Twilight demanded, the two ponies sharing a look of concern. "Can't you hear it too?" they shook their heads.

"Now I can see what Celestia wanted in you," his echo said. "It wasn't just your looks, your brain, your talent, it was your firecracker personality. I love a hot ticket with a feisty attitude; got something going under the hood and really fun to play with." he chuckled at his own joke.

"I've had enough," Twilight shouted.

"That's what she said," Zander retorted. "Then, a couple drinks later and a positive pregnancy test, she's says the kid's mine. Bitch, please; I'm not that fertile. Sorry, I ramble." he teleported in from the shadows, hovering in the air just behind then before landing. Rainbow and Pinkie both saw the same dark maned olive alicorn in front of them as Twilight coming to the realization that Twilight wasn't crazy. "You rang? Y'know, at first I thought it was kinda...mmm weird that I'd have an olive coat, being Greek and all, but I kinda like it now." Twilight fired a powerful bolt of purple magic, just barely missing his head. "Like I said, feisty. Listen toots, I was throwing down empires that would make this place look like a suburban backyard while your dad was still working up the balls to ask out your mom to the senior prom. You're way too far out of your league to even give me a paper cut, but I wouldn't be a gentlemen if I didn't accept your offer to rumble." he cracked his neck as Rainbow Dash joined in with Twilght, rushing at him at top speed before he simply grabbed her by the tail with his magic and threw her into a pillar. Pinkie rushed at him before he simply threw her into Rainbow. "I think I like your friends." Twilight fired a barrage of magical energy at him, though the bolts hit he didn't seem very phased. "That's just adorable! My turn? Okay, how's this?" his horn glowed and he tore a massive rip in the floor of the castle, the smell of brimstone and sulphur filling the room as a massive claw pulled out a giant horned beast from the depths of the abyss, engulfed in fire and roared, causing the very walls to shake. "And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy; in short, you're fucked." Twilight stood staring up at the beast in fear, finally just cowering as it spread its massive wings in triumph.

"Alright, I give up," Twilight said sobbing. "Victory is yours." he smirked.

"I knew you'd say that. Alright, Big Red, pack it up." the demon glowered down at him. "You heard me Tall, Dark, and Fugly."

"Fuckin' what," he said. "Dude, do you have any idea how long I had to climb out of there? A century; I know I'm a demon and that's nothing, but it wasn't fucking easy. I missed my nieces' bat mitzvah for this, Zander."

"Not my problem, dickless. You go back in that chasm or I'll make you; never thought I'd have this conversation today. Go on, you've used up your time here and now you're just pissing me off." the demon growled, making silent remarks under his breath as he descended back to his nightmarish plane. "Don't think I didn't hear that," Zander called down to him. As the hole closed, he reverted back to his humanoid form of a dark tan man with short black hair and a worn sleeveless army jacket. He snapped his fingers and the three all sat in a line in front of him.

"What the buck was all that about," Rainbow demanded. "Was this just an act?!" he shook his head, chuckling a bit.

"No, no, not an act. I'm just a touch deft in my right ear. Trust to speak with a bit more annunciation next time, hm? For you see, the time has come to talk of many things: of shoes and ships and sealing wax--of...wait a second. I lost my train of thought again; one second." he pulled out a book, paging through it before finally just looking down from it. "What am I doing again? Oh right, right, now I remember. Look, I tried to explain this very clearly. I'm usually not this scatterbrained, or whiffed. Having the Princess's memories are seriously fucking with me here. Oh, the things she had planned for you, Twilight!"

"What sort of--" Twilght started before Zander cut in again.

"Twilight, please." he cleared his throat, and exhaled deeply. "Alright, I'm back on track again. Anyway, I explained that there wasn't a need to interfere. I have no malicious intent for your world, in fact I kinda like this place. Not this castle, mind you. I've had outhouses more comforting and better smelling. This whole providence, though. Very nice and rustic, almost like a summer home I had once but the plague set in and having as trees full of rats and bloated pustule-ridden bodies all over the place and the lingering of scent of carrion does kinda kill the mood. It was so unpleasant, too; like the set of a German porno for necrophiliacs." he slapped himself. "Muscle spasm; I am drifty today. Anyway, long ramble short, I'm not hear to cause anyone any harm."

"He's telling the truth," a voice on the other side of the room said. The three turned to see the last pony that they expected to see here, a small filly emerging from the shadows as she finally looked up and smiled brightly at them from a distance. It was Scootaloo, her wings propelling her into Zander's open arms as the two embraced.

"So, what have you been up to the rest of the day, sweetie," he asked in a rather uncharacteristically cheery and fatherly tone.

"Nothing too important," she said, flicking her mane out of her eyes. "Just tying up a few loose ends, daddy." the three were completely flabbergasted, especially Rainbow Dash.

"Daddy," they all repeated in shock.

"Again," Zander repeated, still carrying Scootaloo. "Touch deft in my right ear."