The man from the woodsby JimbobChaptersThe drunk in the fieldthe sober in the woodsThe man of the castleThe scrounger in the castleThe Man and the NightmareThe Man and the PrincessThe new (and only) Man in townThe new (and only) Man in town part twoThe Man and the partyWake-up in the morningThe drunk in the field"Owww" I cracked my eye open and saw a glorious ray of sunlight shining all over my face. Wait did I say glorious? I meant hellish, definitely hellish. Admittedly that maybe the hangover talking but until I've returned to my normal state of mind the sun is now hellish. Opening my eyes with a little more caution this time I slowly grew accustomed to the incredibly bright light filtering directly in my eye. Now where am I? "A field?" I was mildly surprised, I say mildly because to be blunt I had woken up hungover in some much more awkward areas. Like when I woke up in the caveman exhibit in the museum.... Naked. What can I say, Jack Daniels makes me do weird shit. I pulled my phone out and tried calling one of my friends to see what had happened last night and hopefully get a ride home. I sat-up and a half-drunk bottle of Jack fell off my chest. "This is your fault" I shamed the bottle, I hope it feels terrible about itself now. I dialed one of my friends numbers and... Busy signal, ok I'll try calling Ray, Busy Signal, John then, busy signal, ummm Todd? Busy signal. Fine! I'll call the cops, annndddddd busy signal. Okay well I just use the GPS annnnd no signal...... "Ok this is bad, maybe if I retrace my steps I can get back to the bar or a road even. Yeah that's the best idea I've had all day" picking up the bottle of Jack (No sense in letting it go to waste) I began the search for a road or village or just about anything that resembled civilization. After what seemed like a few hours worth of walking I saw a small outline of a village in the distance. "Huzzah! I hath found the land of milk and honey!" Okay maybe I had started talking to myself, no shame in that and perhaps I preferred to speak like 1800's nobleman, slight amount of shame there. But still civilization! I mean I was worried I was going to have to keep walking like some kind of wandering salesman and let's face it a half empty bottle of Jack was not going to raking in the big bucks for me. And another thing what is that purple thing walking towards me? I stopped and looked at the strange purple...... Thing moving towards me from the town.... What the hell are you purple thing? Maybe I should hide? A quick look around assured me that unless the grass suddenly shifted to looking like gray hoodies I was basically fucked in the hiding department . "Go now grass do my bidding!" refusing my superior call for it to change the grass stay a vibrant green. "You'll get yours" I said while shaking my fist at the grass "Whaaat are you doing?" A slurred voice from my side asked "Threatening the gr-" I turned to look towards the voice and found a chest high technicolor horse, and oh god what fresh hell is this? "Why of all places I wandered into would it be a furry convention?" Drunk horse looked at me confused "What's a furry?" I glared at the horse "You are" "No I'm a pony!" she stated proudly while point a hoof towards herself...... how the hell is it bending like that? "No you're a furry!" "Pony!" "Furry!" "Pony!" she said while glaring at me, how did she move her eyes unless..... "Jack why have you betrayed me!?" I screamed dropping to my knees. Now bear with me here because shit's about to get weird; there was a purple drunk pony talking in front of me and only one logical answer. "Those assholes Roofy'd me!" The pony on the other hand ignored my outburst and focused completely on the mission of every drunk known to man, find more booze? "Waz that?" she said pointing, or hooving, towards the bottle in my hand. Don't talk to the delusions Alex you'll only make them stronger! "The bane of my existence." Dammit Alex you had one job, one! "Oh I love that stuff!" She proceeded to swipe the bottle out of my hands and began to drink it while walking back towards the small town. My brain went offline and I fell back into the grass talking to myself "A talking purple horse just stole my Jack" I proceeded to laugh my ass off until I was gasping for breath. Either this was one of the best highs I've ever had or..... No that's not possible. Giggling to myself I decided to sleep this one off and hopefully when I woke up I would be passed out on the bar floor, that'd be nice. Sleep engulfed me in moments. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "Umm Mister could you wake up?" Something was jabbing me in the sides repeatedly "See that's that hairless monkey I told you about" a voice slurred "No no no no no, please tell me I'm not in horseland still" I opened my eye and saw a sky blue eye staring back. "Ahh!" I yelled while scrambling back, while the owner of the eye fell back laughing like we had just played a fun game. "Who are you!?" I half yelled half gasped. The horse that woke me up was bright pink with slightly darker curly pink hair and big sky blue eyes, why were their eyes so big? "I'm Pinkie Pie" She said while literally bouncing up and down. It was kinda creepy for her to be smiling that big, I mean I her teeth are almost touching her ears for god's sake! "Who are you?" Ahh very clever delusion trying to get me to submerge myself into this world even more. I won't fall for that I'm too sma- "I'm Alex Johnson" Dammit brain! Work with me here! The pink horse ignored my grumbles about giving myself a frontal lobotomy if my brain didn't step in line and proceeded to try and talk me to death, at least that's what I assume she was trying to do. "That's a weird name, is it a diamond dog name? Are you a shaved diamond dog? Unless you're not a shaved diamond dog and actually a pony that has a curse to become a were money at night I bet that's it isn't it?!" My brain physically hurt trying to keep up with her. "Umm no I'm a human, and I wa- Hey! Wait a second you took my Jack!" I yelled pointing at the purple horse "Oh this" she slurred while pulling out an almost empty bottle of Jack "Here you can have it, it wasn't that good" She tossed it into my hands. "Gee thanks" I grumbled looking at the little alcohol I had left. The pink one had stopped jumping and was now sitting down with a puzzled look on her face "But I thought humans were just an old pony's tale." "Yeah sure why not" I shrugged my shoulders, let the delusion think whatever she wanted. I stood up and looked around; the sun was just beginning to set and there was a forest to the right of the village. "So not that this hasn't been fun or anything but I'm going to need to wake up now so I think I'll wander... Into that dank looking forest so good luck with the whole illusion fueled by my drug addled brain thing you have going." I said while walking towards the forest and waving towards the two strange horses. "Bye Mister Alex Johnson!" The pinkie one yelled while bouncing up and down the purple one was less enthusiastic "Next time bring better booze!" "I'm hoping there won't be a next time." I muttered, I looked at the forest hopefully I would 'pass out' somewhere in here and wake up in the somewhat saner world that didn't include talking horses. Still though for talking horses they weren't that bad "Ah well here goes nothing" I said with a smile as I entered the forest. Author's Note Evening Guys and Gals please let me know what you think and anything you think I can improve on Also: I desperately need an editor (or several) I am god awful with grammar. the sober in the woods"You are by far the worst wolf I have ever seen" I said in a haughty voice while sticking my nose in the air. "I mean at least the horses had the decency to be made of flesh and blood but you! Oh no flesh and blood wasn't good enough for you so you decided to be made of wood." The wolf, in his defense, continued to growl and try to circle around me, which I was having none of. He wasn't exactly friendly looking, well unless you could get past the whole foaming at the mouth and growling menacingly at me. But other than that he was a real pal maybe we could go drinking together, oh wait never mind a horse already drank most my booze, well maybe he can go away while I try to wake the hell up. "Hey here's an idea Wolfie why don't you go that way and I go this way and then you can tell your kids how you didn't get your ass kicked by me." his increase in growling did nothing to comfort me. "Right so here the deal wolf and OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT!" I yelled pointing behind him and imagine my surprise when it worked. I bolted back through the trees and basically towards anything that looked like a wolf would have problems getting over. A howl warbled from behind and was quickly echo'd by several other howls. 'So this may be bad' I heard several pairs of feet running behind me and unfortunately gaining. 'Why did I think running from wolves was a good idea? Why am I even worried this is all a drugged up illusions.' This idea did nothing to slow my feet as I moved out of the woods and into a small clearing. A small clearing I didn't recognize cursing what god that was on duty today I ran towards the edge of the clearing and saw 'A fucking cliff!? Dammit all to hell!' I turned and started running a little too close to the edge for comfort however I was somewhat pleased to see a wolf that had pounced towards me had taken a sudden and unfortunate plunge to the bottom of the ravine. "Sucks to be you!" the snarls right on my heels put a bit of pep in my step as I neared the edge of the clearing and 'Is that a bridge, oh holy frijoles it is' a quick turn and I was in a position to run across the bridge and hopefully loss the wolves, wolves are scared of bridges, right? I quickly made my way across the bridge ignoring the voice in my head that said 'Hey bro you should totally look down right now'. I nearly collapsed once I was on the opposite side, I was apparently not made for running from deadly predators. I looked back and saw the wolves glaring at me from the opposite side of the bridge. "Ha-ha-gasp what's the matter-gasp afraid of a heights?" as if to spite me the closest wolf took a tentative step onto the bridge "Oh" I said quietly, I swear the wolf was smirking as he slowly made his way across the bridge. "Right plan B then" I frantically began to search the ground "Show me a sharp rock!" I spotted a rock that would do exactly what I need. I scooped the rock up and turned back to the bridge, the wolves were about half way across the bridge now and were whining in anticipation. 'I really don't want to be dinner' I thought as I began cutting away at the rope holding up the bridge with my somewhat pointy rock. "You dirty son of a wh-" *SNAP* "Yes!" the bridge leaned drastically to the side momentarily stalling the wolves, who then proceeded to haul ass towards me. "Ok rope now would be a really great time to-" *SNAP* "I am succes!" a ridiculous grin plastered my face as I lay down still gasping for breath. Somewhere in the back of my mind I wondered why the sky looked so.... Dank, I mean there were stars but they were dim and hazy at best. But most of me was still riding the high of escaping the wooden wolves. How many people can say they had done that? After catching my breath I rolled over on my stomach and picked myself up, to say I was unprepared for what I saw was the understatement of the day. 'Why the in the blue fuck is there a goddamn castle in the middle of the woods?' well castle is an overstatement it's more like a dilapidated castle, or a castle in ruins which ever sounds better, I suppose. So I suppose I could' A: check out the creepy looking castle Or B: spend my night in the woods with wolves. A howl sounded from behind me "I have always wanted to explore a castle" XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "This castle has definitely seen better days" I muttered as I moved down a corridor, I saw a large metal door on the right. I grabbed the handle "By the power of Ra I command you to open." the door stubbornly refused the power of Ra and stayed locked "Fine fuck you to door, I'll find a better door that likes me for who I am" continuing door the hall I found a room with a door ajar. "We have a winner!" I slide inside and jumped for joy when I saw what was inside. A bed, a freaking huge bed and the windows were still intact and there weren't any monstrosities trying to jump me and well it was probably the most normal thing I had seen all day. I moved towards the bed and running jump onto the bed. *POMF* A cloud of dust shot up around me, and yet I continued my timeless tradition of not giving a fuck and slowly began my to fall into a deep sleep. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I woke to the sound of birds, I slowly looked around and saw thick stone walls as well as familiar stained glass windows surrounding me. "I'm beginning to think this may not be a drug induced haze" Goddamit Author's Note Well I'll admit I wasn't expecting such a positive reaction so thanks to everyone that favorites and if you did please like! Thanks Grim out! The man of the castle"This is the worst idea I've had all day." Then again it was still early and so far this day is just promising to be filled with mis-fortune. I looked down at my splayed out hand, and the rock in my other hand, the theory was that the pain of me smashing the rock into my hand would finally wake me up and get me out of crazy land. I closed my eyes and raised the rock up. "Ok here we go. 3,2 and 1" I slammed the rock onto the back of my hand. "OWW!" I let go of the rock and pulled my hand back towards me rubbing it slowly. I cracked open my eyes "No, nononononono." I was still here, the bed was just as dusty , the walls still wrinkled by time, and the windows still glaring with sunlight. Which means. "It can't be real! It's not! I refuse to believe it!" How could a place like this be real? It's impossible! Horses don't talk, wolves aren't made out of wood, and i can't be here! I wrapped my hands around my head. "Please no, oh god please." I want to go home. I have friends, I have a family, and a job. Please god send me home. I slowly wrapped myself into a ball, silently begging anything that would listen to send me back home. Tears began to run down my face as reality slowly sank in. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I don't know how long I stayed like that. The sun had all but set when my stomach made itself known. I couldn't recall the last time I had actually eaten something, probably at the bar before it happened. I slowly made my way to my feet, I felt different like empty different if that made sense. I had no one and had been tossed out of my world for reasons unknown to me. Was I some game to the gods? A universal mistake? Had I drunk myself to death and this was god's twisted afterlife? I didn't know and I didn't care, whatever had happened it must be reversible, it has to be. I would get home if it killed me, I don't care what it takes I will get home. But if I want to get home then I need to stay alive and to do that I need food. But go out into the woods at night would be suicide if last night was anything to judge by. So I guess that leaves trying to scrounge things from around the castle, I doubted anything was here but I was determined to find something. Wandering the castles in the dark was no different tonight than it had been last night, lots of stumbling and cursing. The castle's layout was strange and even I could see that it had very little in the way of tactical checkpoints, mostly just winding hallways with dilapidated beams half-fallen through the roof. Staggering around the castle proved to be quite annoying, as just about every door I found was either locked or blocked by rubble. Grumbling to myself I came to a large set of bronze color doors. I pressed my shoulder into the door and felt it give ever so slightly. "Come on you bitch." I gave a massive shove and the door finally gave into the pressure and creaked open. A fleeting moment of satisfaction flew through me before quickly being snuffed by the memories of where I was. I entered the room and saw what appeared to be the main entrance to the castle. In the center of the room was a pedestal with several spheres made of rocks on it. Oh what scratch that spheres of rocks with carvings of gems on them. "Useless hunk of rock" I glowered at the spheres before moving towards a stairway nearly hidden by rubble. I crawled through a small opening at near the top of the rubble and made my way up the staircase. I didn't know where I was going I was just hoping to find something edible. I came out in a huge room, the room may have been grandiose at one point but years of neglect had left it in a state of ruin. The back half of the roof had been torn away, the windows all shattered, a half decayed carpet leading the way to a small uprising of stairs. 'Maybe this was the throne room?' it seemed logical, the long walk to the end of the room would be perfect for the king to stare down his nose at his subjects. Ignoring the very empty and useless room I turned to the windows to see if I was surrounded by the woods or if I had some grassland nearby. A quick peek outside told me that I was in fact surrounded by wood, but something was wrong with the trees they were all in.... A line? 'Trees don't grow in lines unless they're planted, and most people plant trees for...' I looked into the branches of the trees and saw the glistening skin of a blood red apple shining in the moonlight. I quickly began to brush the glass out of the window pane wanting to waste no time trying to find a door to the outside in this maze of a castle. A quick hop through and I was in a rather large garden. I scanned the area for more of those wooden beasts and slowly made my way to the tree, a quick jump and scamper later I was sitting rather comfortably in one of the higher branches of the tree. I quickly grabbed one of the apples and tore into it like a starving man. Several apples later my hunger had ebbed away to a dull throb. I could live with this and there appear to be some other edible fruits in the nearby area. Wanting to get a better look of the area I slowly lowered myself down and began to move around the gardens. I spotted several different plants I could use; tomatoes, pears, apples, and some carrots I think. I was about to move back into the castle when a reflection of light caught my eye. I turned quickly thinking I had seen the reflection of light on something's eyes, when I saw a small hut nestled nearly against the castle. I slowly began to slink towards it attempting to stay low in the grass, the hut in question was covered in a tangle of vines and grass. After a few minutes of searching I found a small door covered in vines, a quick shove later and I found myself in a small cramped room. Many different kinds of tools lay in there most covered in a heavy layer of rust and grime. I quickly began to sort through the tools looking for anything that could help me survive or at least offer some protection from the wildlife. A ray of moonlight caught on a small patch of dull metal. I carefully pushed several rusted tools off the metal and soon found something that would not only protect me from wildlife but also prove an invaluable tool. For the first time that day a small ghost of a smile found its way to my face. I grabbed the tool and made my way back to the castle stopping only once to face the dark woods and offer a warning "Look out wolvies, get too close and I may just go Gordon Freeman on your ass." Special Thanks to chaos_trotter and Lego2112 for Prereading/Editing! Author's Note Glad too see people enjoying this story The scrounger in the castleI jerked up out of the bed falling onto the cold stone ground, shreds of my dreams swam around my head before reality erased them. Shaking my head I stood up and grabbed the crowbar I had left lying near the bed, after all I had plans for the day. Originally I wanted to go back to that horse town but the more I thought about it the more I realized that I had no idea where that town was. Running for your life doesn't really give you much time to take note of the surroundings, plus I had kinda knocked down the bridge and didn't know an easy way to get back across the chasm. And I don't think I can jump it...... Without a ramp But lacking a ramp I decided to make camp here in the castle, at least for the time being. So today I would be using my new found tool to hopefully open up the locked doors in the castle. And if I'm really lucky I'll actually find something useful in one of these rooms, like swords or more tools or if I'm really lucky a portal gun...... Kinda doubting the portal gun thing. Mostly because this place is medieval at best, seriously there were fucking candles everywhere, well that and who in their right mind still lives in castles in this day and age? Of course this world has talking horse so fuck logic. Stepping into the hall I picked my first victim, an aging wooden door that had several tendrils of moss growing along its surface. "Ok how hard can this really be?" I muttered as I maneuvered the crowbar in the crack between the door and the wall "I mean they do this stuff on TV all the time." I pushed my weight against the crowbar, and slowly the wood began to groan and snap. With a grunt of effort I gave a powerful shove and was rewarded with a loud snap and the door swinging open. With a smile on my face I entered the room "Let's see what's behind door number one" A quick look around the room did not look promising, a half rotted table sagged against a wall while some ratty carpet had been all but destroyed by time. A quick look through the cupboards and cabinets in the room only provided me with more moth eaten cloth, probably linens by the look of it. And that's about it so first room is a bust. "The rest of the rooms better have something worthwhile in them." I grumbled as I continued down the hall. Several doors later I came to the conclusion that this castle had nothing of value left in it. I made my way back to the gardens where I helped myself to a lunch of apples and some carrots. I decided to spend the rest of the day wandering around the gardens to take stock of what I had in the way of resources. I found a small well nearly hidden by in by a thicket of berry bushes. I brought the bucket up from the bottom and was pleasantly surprised to find crystal clear water. Unfortunately that was the only good find for me, what I had originally thought would be enough food for several weeks quickly proved to be maybe enough for a week. And to make it worse I had found several half eaten heads of cabbage closer to the edge of the wood. So if the wildlife and I kept eating the food I had what? Five or six days of food left? So I could either learn to hunt with nothing but a crowbar and some smelly clothes, or I could try to find a way past the cliffs and get back to the horse town. Sighing I made mental plans to get back to the horse town and hopefully not be an experiment or the subject of a vivisection. Muttering angrily I headed back inside and back to the room I had claimed for myself, where I quickly fell asleep. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "This is not right" The sky was still dark, now I'm no expert in this new horse land but every day the sun had gone down and come back up the next day. Except today it didn't the moon was still high in the sky and my watch said it should be about noon-ish, not say my watch is right but I mean....... It was dark when I went to sleep and it is still dark sooooo. Well maybe the horse world was in the middle of an apocalypse or something, judging by how my luck has been lately that seems most likely. Oh and I would probably be the first one to die A roar echoed from the forest across the gorge. "The fuck is that? Do they have fucking lions here?" Unpleasant imagines of me being mauled via giant lions flashed through my mind. "Note to self; Don't get mauled by giant lions, or wolves." Yeah that should take care of it, a quick glance outside the window confirmed that it was still in fact night and that there were horses on the opposite side of the gorge. "Wait what!?" Oh god I've been tracked here, I'm going to be dissected. Carefully peering over the window sill I watched the horses talk to each other and Ohmygodtheycanfly A light blue horse with what I will describe as pride parade hair fucking flew over the gorge while nonchalantly picking up the rope of the bridge I had so carefully destroyed and went to re-tie them. Wait where did those horses come from? Several horses in some kind of military uniform flew over to the blue one and talked to it about something. Blue horse is going to tie off the bridge and...... Horses are apparently made of a dark blue mist........... The more you know.jpg "I fucking hate this place." The horses moved across the bridge and started heading towards the castle. I grabbed my crowbar and began to make my way towards the main entrance. "I am not going quietly in to the night I'm afraid." I smirked, these horses will not be taking me without a fight. Author's Note Hey guys hope you enjoyed Also Merry Christmas! The Man and the Nightmare"I am beginning to think that these horses aren't here to capture me" I mumbled as I watched the five- no wait six the yellow one is hiding behind the orange one, horses messing around with the stone spheres in the main hall. Well, good for the horses maybe I can go back to my room and call it a day or night or whatever. Oh wait two of the horses are taking the spheres to the purple one with a horn....... You know what? I am not even surprised anymore. Wait why are the other horses leaving? What is that purple one doing with the stones? I was so intrigued with what the horse was doing I didn't even notice the blue mist curling up behind me until it gave me a shove, ejecting me from my hiding space and right in front of the purple unicorn thing. "Oh shit" "AHHHHHHHH" Little known fact horses can scream, loud. Recoiling from the horse I tried to make it back to my hiding spot until the wind began to whip around me, as the stone spheres were lifted up in a blue mist tornado. It was actually cool until it disappeared along with the purple unicorn. That's when fate chose to fuck me over, the rest of the horse ran in frantically yelling "Twilight!" Which is all fine and dandy until they saw me, and narrowed their eyes. I swear the blue one even snorted steam "Oh all of my fuck this" I jumped up and made a mad dash for the stairs all too aware of the sound of hooves behind me. "Where's our friend!?" I think that was the blue one, not really stopping to ask after all I was kind of busy trying to run up the stairs and escape from the horses. Exiting the stairs I was once again in the throne room except there was a purple unicorn charging a rather large black winged unicorn thing. The purple one disappeared in a flash of well, purple and the black one kept charging right towards me and well, what your first instinct when something is charging you? I swung batter style at the black horse's head *CRACK* "Oh that's gotta hurt" I mumbled as the black horses, completely unprepared for a side assault, tumbled to the side. The other horses behind me had stopped and were staring at the now prone black horse "You just hit The Nightmare" the blue one mumbled in awe "Is that a good or bad thing?" I asked while the black horse slowly regained it footing, it horn-thing was glowing a deep indigo blue, why do things on horses even glow? *ZAP* I went flying across the room as what felt like a bolt of lightning struck my side. "GAH!" my limbs began to spaz out as electricity flowed through my body. Eventually I came to a stop against the far wall of the room. "Well that hurt like hell" I grunted while trying to stand up while my now jelly-like legs refused to obey me. Which was probably just as well because the black horse was stalking towards me with hate burning in its eyes. "You peasant! You dare harm the all-powerful Nightmare!? You shall pay the ultimate price" the black horse seemed completely oblivious to the group hug the other horses were having behind it but hey whatever good for the colorful horses. "I don't suppose saying sorry will, ummm I don't know maybe stop your quest to have my head mounted on a pike?" I asked the horse who literally growled. "Horses dont growl! Learn your place in the animal kingdom!" Mouth shut-up it's trying to kill us "Nightmare!" Oh look it the purple one is wearing a crown thing, good on the purple one. And now all the horses are floating and the purple one's eyes have turned completely white, well, great now they're possessed. Hopefully they're not into blood sacrifices. Oh and the purple one mentioned something about 'the power of friendship' I think, I was trying not to pass out and there was a flying rainbow....... I think........ Maybe I did pass out. There was a flash of white as the rainbow hit the black horse, a giant Shockwave shot through the room. "Trippy" I promptly passed out. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "What do you think it is?" Something poked me in the arm eliciting a groan from me. "Oh it's that hairless monkey thing I was telling you girls about" That bubbly voice sounds familiar. "I thought you were just making that up" Another poke to the ribs convinced me that I should open up my eyes. "I instantly regret this decision." I groaned as the light blinded me. There were several gasps "It can talk!" and several other variations were heard echoing around the room. "Of course it can Sillies, its name it Mr. Alex Johnson!" Oh god I recognize that voice, it the pink one probably back to try and talk me to death again. Slowly opening my eyes I saw that I was in fact surrounded by colorful horses. And my brain shut down, I mean complete offline mode. The purple one walked forward "Umm Hello there Mr. Alex Johnson, my name is Twilight Sparkle." I continued to sit there like a vegetable as the purple one extends her hoof for a handshake I presume. After several awkward seconds she slowly lowered her hoof and sheepishly moved back in line with the other horses. 'Brain do something we look like idiots here!' "Umm hello" Good job brain we look slightly less retarded now. The horses jaws had hit the floor, well not the pink one she was just smiling and..... bouncing..... is that normal here? "Hello Mr. Alex Johnson, I'm Pinkie Pie but you already know that since we met outside the Everfree forest when Berry Punch stole your bottle!" shes still bouncing "Excuse me for one moment" I said while covering my mouth with my hand "MMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" my muffled scream made the horse jump back a bit, I uncovered my mouth and heaved out a sigh "Sorry about that, really hard to get used to talking horses." "Ponies" "Huh?" the purple one seemed a bit peeved "We're ponies, not horses" "Of course you are" I sighed as a very tall looking hors- pony stood up in the back of the room. It looked very regal with a crown and everything. It had a horn and wings, but the most intersting feature about the pony was the flowing hair, now all the ponies had weird hair but this one's hair was freaking moving. Like by itself. No seriously. "Twilight how is our guest?" she had a very motherly(?) voice, it fit her very well I guess "It appears to be fine Princess" Princess, as in royalty? Should I be begging for my life right now? Okay mouth time to lay on the charm! "So is she a horse?" Why mouth!? WHHHYYYY!? The Man and the PrincessSilence. Silence reigned in the throne room. The six or so hor-no- ponies in front of me were staring at me jaws touching the ground. The big white one with the cool hair was looking at me with an unreadable expression. I was making my peace with God and apologizing for all the time I woke my friends up with fireworks........ And water........ And maybe physical harm. Hold on maybe I can salvage this situation "So I assume you're not a horse then....... Good for you" Mouth you've ruined us. A tinkling laugh erupted from behind the white one and a slightly smaller indigo pony made a show of covering her mouth with her hoof. Then the white one began to snort, then giggle before finally breaking down into full blown laughing. The six in front of my turned to face the big ones obviously in shock. The laughter finally petered out and the white one resumed a regal air about her. "No, to answer your question I am not a horse, the better question is what are you?" She said with a smile on her face "Now, hypothetically speaking, if I said 'human' per say you wouldn't feel the need to smote me or anything would you?" "Smote?" "Yes, smote or smite or kill, or bludgeon to death with a rather large rock, or any combination thereof" Oh look it the yellow one passed out. "I can safely say that I have no intentions of smiting you" Good news then "Oh well in that case I am in fact human, and my name is Alex" "Pleasure to meet you Alex, I am Princess Celestia, and this is my sister Luna, Princess of the night." Ponies have really weird titles, then again it does sound pretty intimidating...... Maybe I should start introducing myself as Alex the bloodbringer. "So you two are like royalty then right?" she nodded "So should I bow or offer my hand as a sacrifice or what?" "Well what do you for your royalty?" "Funny story actually, we don't have royalty. We vote for a president and congress and shit, well in my country at least" Luna- I think that's her name- spoke up "Then who raise the sun and moon for you?" My brain is full of wat "Gravity..... That's like it's one job, well besides making drunks fall and shit" well I think it's gravity...... Should have paid more attention in class "But that's impossible, how does your planet not get suck into the sun then." Witty response go! "Fucking miracle man, they just like to happen. But seriously no idea." The purple one's eye twitch, wait her names like Twilight or something right? Yea Twilight it is "So your planet just hangs there in space?" "Yep" "Without getting pulled into the sun?" "Yep" my butts getting numb "That's impossible" "Said the talking indigo pony" I muttered "What?" "I said no it's not, raise the sun is impossible." Celestia smirked "No I do it on a rather daily basis." "Pics or it didn't happen." She looked confused "What does that mean?" Twilight's hair curled "Nothing it just..... Nevermind." Then the purple one snapped "What's going on!? What's a human?! Why's it here!? What's a president!? And what do you mean his planet!?" Celestia smiled, while I scooted away from the panting pony. Huh, I rhymed, I'm going to hate it here. "Well Twilight" Nailed it " You lasted longer than I expected" I frowned "Well could you warn me next time, I thought she was exploding or something" She shook her head and continued to smile "Ah your majesty, is that thing safe?" I said my name orange pony! "Ah your majesty, does that orange pony know my name is Alex? I thought I had announced it" I grumped, Celestia rolled her eyes while the orange one glared at me. "Ma name is Applejack" She has a southern drawl.... Is that even possible? "See was that so hard? Nice to meet you Applejack, I'm Alex" hey the yellow one woke up, and another thing what's up with the ridiculous color schemes these ponies have going on? I mean the blue one's hair is a freakin rainbow! "So then Alex are y'all safe?" Am I safe? "Good question, I have absolutely NO IDEA!" I smiled "What do ya mean?" "Well you see, so far I have been in this wonderful place for like three days or so, wasn't really counting since I thought it was all a drug induced haze! I even told Pink one there that" Pink one in question was currently murdering a pastry I think, yet she still found a way to correct me. "It's Pinkie silly!" "Right Pinkie, so anyway then I went into the woods, got chased by some wooden wolves, hide in the castle, ran away from you ponies and hit a black one on the head. Oh! And I got zapped in the chest."I said pointing to a hole burnt in the side of my shirt. "So it's safe to say that this is NOT a normal situation for me and I'm really freaking out on the inside so I might be dangerous." The oran- No Applejack looked confused by my answer, "Um well thanks for being honest?" "Sure why not?" "It sounds like you have been through a lot" I turned back to Celestia "Does it? Maybe, I don't really know. Is it normal to get chased by wooden wolves?" "No it is not, nor is it normal to get 'Zapped'." "Oh alright" Silence re-took the the room. Question's began to bubble up in my head, the most prevalent being "So what happens now?" "Well that's the question isn't it? The real question is what would you like to do? You could stay here if you wish, I could also arrange for you to stay nearby, tell me what would you prefer for me to do?" A small flame of hope spluttered to life in my chest "Can you send me home?" Author's Note Thanks for all the support! The new (and only) Man in town"You want to go home?" Celestia asked "Yes, just send me home" The little flicker of hope in my chest was growing steadily stronger "Very well, you said you hail from a different planet correct?" "Yeah it's called Earth" "Why do you not return the same way you got here?" a frown crossed my face "I don't know how I got here" I mumbled "You don't know?" "No I just kinda woke up in a field" I thought I had explained this "With no recollection of how you got here?" I shook my head, as a frown formed on Celestia's face "And I assume you have no idea where your planet is in correlation to Equestria, do you?" "I hadn't even heard of a planet capable of sustaining life let alone one called Equestria." The frown deepened and the small flame of hope is my chest quickly flickered out. "You can't send me home can you?" "Not immediately, I'm afraid." Notcing the liking going out in my eyes Celestia quickly continued "However given time we might be able to figure out how to get you back." She said with a small smile "How much time" Her smile faltered "I do not know, but I assure you we shall do everything in our power to return you to your world" I nodded, not exactly happy but not despairing, still a small frown persistent in my face. "So what do we do with me then?" Twilight lifted her leg in the air, which in itself was some kind of insult to physics. "Uhh princess he could stay in Ponyville." I flinched at the terrible pun that seemed to be the norm here. "Why would I want to stay there?" The name alone was almost enough to drive me away "Umm well it's nearby, really friendly, kinda small and you already know someponies living there!" She finished with a big smile. I thought about it and to be completely honest it didn't sound that bad. I was still skittish around these ponies, I was unsure of how I would react to large crowds of them and well these ponies didn't seem so bad. "Well..... I guess that could work" Twilight beamed, while Pinkie jumped up and down while talking about some party or something. "In that case I suppose we'll have to get you somewhere to live then won't we?" Celestia was smiling "But perhaps you should meet the rest of your new 'neighbors', hmm?" Celestia said while motioning to the other unknown ponies in the room. The white pony stepped forward "Hello darling, my name is Rarity, local Fashionista" She sounded very high-class, stuck her hoof out while looking to the side. 'Does she want me to kiss it?' deciding to be particularly obtuse I grabbed her hoof and shook it rapidly "Nice to meet you Rarity" I said as she slowly stumbled away, as the blue rainbow haired one flew up. "I'm Rainbow dash number one flying in Equestria!" She stated as she hovered eye to eye with my "The pleasure's mine I'm sure" I replied with just a hint of sarcasm that she seemed to miss. I think that's all of them, oh no wait the Oran- Applejack is pushing a yellow ball with pink hair towards me. Is this a peace offering or something? "Come'on Fluttershy say hello" Applejack said, a pair of teal-ish eyes popped out from under the hair "Hello" she squeaked before shooting back behind Applejack. "And I'm Pinkie!" A pink blob attached to my back announced "This is like the third time you introduced yourself to me" she frowned "But everypony else was doing it" she whined as I lifted her off my back. "Fine, fine. Can we go now?" I asked Celestia who smiled "Certainly follow me." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I trudged along behind the group still somewhat upset about being stuck here, unfortunately Pinkie didn't seem to like that "Come on mister grumpy cheer up!" Pinkie reached up and forced my face into an oversized smile before it slumped back into a frown. "Pinkie darling why don't you give Mr. Alex some space" Rarity pulled Pinkie back-up with the rest of the group, allowing me to continue to sulk. 'Could be worse' I chuckled at the thought 'Yeah I could've landed in the resident evil world and gotten lost in one of their plot holes' I snorted, right as a pair of Pink hooves wrapped around my head. "Hey he's not grumpy anymore!" Pink pony on my head "AAAAHHH!" I yelled as I began to run in circles "WHEEEE!" "Get her off me!" I screamed while the other ponies stared at us in awe or in Rainbow's case falling to the ground laughing. After several minutes of me running around screaming and Pinkie cackling like a madwoman ( or madpony) "Fine-pant you-pant win." Little wanna-be headcrab had a vice like grip, I should probably turn in my man card seeing as I had just been overpowered by a pink pony. "Do it again!" She giggled "Nooooo, get off my head" I groaned as I desperately tried to force Pinkie off of my head to which she giggled. Celestia cleared her throat "Pinkie perhaps you should get off our guest, we are nearly there." "Awwww" She whined as dropped off my head and landed with a bounce next to me. "So Mr. Alex do you like cake?" What is with this pony?! "Sure, I guess" She furrowed her brow "Can you teach me some alien cakes?" "I'm afraid not" "Aww why not?" She whined "Because reasons" the idea of pro-longed social interactions with the ponies was not one that was appealing to me. I was planning on holing up where-ever I could until the Princess could send me home. Then hopefully I would forget this entire thing or repress it...... Meh either one would work. Celestia spoke up "Alright Alex we suggest you prepare yourself for this" we walked out of the forest and into a clearing with a town on the horizon. "Meeting an entire town of colorful ponies? What could possibly-MUH!" Pinkie shoved her hoof in my mouth "Don't say that!" I spat her hoof out "Gross that was on the ground." The new (and only) Man in town part twoI stood there fidgeting with my watch. "Alex will you calm down?" Twilight was getting annoyed with my fidgeting "I am calm! You calm down!" I stated a little too fast while still fidgeting with my watch. I continued to blather on trying to keep my mind of the upcoming situation "I mean you're not the one being introduced to entirely new species, I think I've earned a right to be nervous" I had always had a bit of stage fright, not that I made an idiot of myself in front of people but the capacity to be judged by some many people for just a few words scared me. And the fact that the Princesses had lead us straight to the town hall for a meeting about me really wasn't helping. I heard a stomping of hooves coming from behind the curtain I was currently standing behind, well more like hiding. "And here's our guest" I heard Celestia say "That's your cue" Twilight whispered while pushing me towards the curtain. My legs locked up "Ok I don't think I can do this" I said desperately "Don't worry you'll be fine, the ponies here are really friendly" she said while still shoving me towards the curtain "No wait please!" too late, she shoved me onto the stage. Momentarily blinded by the bright lights I shielded my eyes before looking at the crowd. An inaudible whimper escapes my mouth; so many ponies, so much color. So many eyes, so quiet. Carefully stepping towards the mic, with Celestia and Luna looking on with kind eyes, I made my move "H-Hello" I said weakly, silence greeted me 'You fucked it up, should've said something better should've-' "Hello" A child's voice answered me. I looked into the crowd and saw a small white unicorn with a pink and mulberry colored mane waving at me. Another voice said hello, then another and another until the whole room was filled with hellos. A relieved smile broke across my face, I hadn't fucked it up! I wasn't feared! And best of all I wasn't being hunted! "Perhaps you should introduce yourself?" Celestia mumbled while just barely moving her lips, as the last of the hellos withered off, I returned to the mic. "My name is Alex, I'm a human, and uh I'm not really from around here" I smiled sheepishly while several ponies raised their hooves. I looked over at Celestia who nodded encouragingly, I pointed at a gray mare with blond hair and swiveled golden eyes. "Umm yes you?" "Do hew-mans have muffins?" she asked perplexed "Um yes we do" she seemed very pleased with the answer and sat down. I pointed at another pony this time it was a stallion with pine green fur and dark blue hair. "Yes?" "What do humans eat?" I fumbled a bit for a answer, part of me had already made the connection that ponies don't eat meat and probably aren't the best of friends with carnivores. Cleverly worded lie go! "Oh a human will eat just about anything, within reason of course" ha! Eluded it "What about meat?" I spluttered, was this pony trying to cause problems for me? No, he just looked curious. More clever lies! "There have been some documented cases of it" Like McDonald's commercials. A ripple went through the crowd, they didn't seemed scared maybe just...... Nervous? Yeah nervous. The small unicorn that said hello raised her hoof, smiling I pointed to her "What's your question Miss?" She giggled slightly at the 'Miss' part "What's your Cutie Mark?" I blanked; What the blue fuck is a Cutie Mark? I turned to Celestia for some help "A Cutie Mark is a special mark that tells ponies what their special skill is, like mine which is the sun for raising the sun" She said gently. "I just thought those were tattoos" I mumbled filing this information away for future questioning I turned back to the crowd "Umm well I don't have one." A Shockwave of gasps rolled through the crowd, as I got looks filled with strangely enough pity. The little white unicorn spoke up "But how do you know what your special skill is?" She asks with big puppy dog eyes 'HNNNNNNGGG' "Humans just tend to do what they like or what they're good at, if they're lucky" "Oh, that's weird" "It's normal where I'm from" I was about to answer another question when Celestia interrupted me "Don't worry my little ponies there will be plenty of time to ask him questions later, but for now I think he could use some rest" Sensing Celestia regaining control of the crowd I waved to the ponies while walking behind the curtain. I was surprised at the amount of hoof stomping I got. I collapsed into a chair as soon as I was backstage. Twilight walked- or is it trotted?- up to me "See that wasn't so bad" She said with a smile "For you maybe! I just met an entire towns worth of people in like a half hour, and I'm completely alien to them. Did you hear some of those questions?" Twilight frowned "The questions they asked might have been common knowledge for you, but for us ponies you're something new to be investigated and documented." There was a fire burning in her eye's and nervousness in mine "Could you not talk about me like I'm a science experiment?" "Oh sorry it's just.... There's some much to learn! A new species with a new culture and new technology!" Her eye's lit up again "You really dig science-y stuff don't you?" She looked confused "What's not to like?" "Math, big words, genetic manipulation that splice gives scorpions wings." "Flying scorpions?" "Where!?" I joked, while she just looked at me like I was an idiot. A fanfare of stomping was heard and Celestia and Luna walked backstage. "Well I'd say that went well, would you?" Celestia asked me "Better than I thought it would, I figured that I'd be chased back into the forest" Luna looked slightly offended by that statement "Why would though be chased into the forest?" "It's what humans would've done" and then we would have bombed the forest and then quarantined the forest to try to figure out what exactly it was that we had bombed. "That doesn't sound very friendly" Yeah as a whole I was describe the human race as not friendly "It's not, but I digest-"Twilight interrupted me "Digress" "Bless you, so now what?" Twilight was looking at me like she couldn't decide to be confused or annoyed. Celestia smirked "Now it is time to, as Pinkie says" A blur of Pink shot out of a paint can "PARRTTY!" I fell back in my chair and scooted back into the wall "How the hell did she fit in there!?" The Man and the partyI was walking across the town with the ponies. Huh never thought I'd say that..... Well at least not when I'm sober. I had put as many ponies in between me and Pinkie after she had bluntly broke the laws of physics, it didn't help that she was bouncing instead of walking. Unfortunately the space between us hadn't affected her ability to question me "So Alex do you like parties?" "Some" I mumbled, I really didn't want to go to this party. It seemed too much like the ponies were celebrating the fact that I had been trapped here, even though I knew they were celebrating the defeat of Nightmare. Oh and did I mention Princess Luna was the Nightmare? No? Well she was, I found out when she apologized for zapping me with magic........... Apparently they have that here.......... No really. They even showed me when they lifted me up with it. It was weird as shit So anyway she apologized I said 'Blah blah blah whatever blah blah I totally hit you in the face with a crowbar blah blah' and were cool now which seemed to surprise her, but as previously mentioned whatever. "What's your favorite kind of cupcake?" It's been like this since we left the town hall, and didn't she already ask me about cake? "Uhhh Pineapple upside down cake" Pineapples are the bomb yo. "Yeah those are pretty good but I think chocolate is better." I snorted "Right, sure" her eye narrowed "Are you saying that chocolate isn't the best cake?">Implying "No, I would never say that" You could cut the sarcasm with a knife, seriously if she didn't get it than she- "Okie dokie lokie" She hopped ahead of us towards a large tree leaving a gaping me, a confused unicorn and two giggling princesses "Ho- bu- I was being sarcastic!" She didn't hear me "I'm afraid my little ponies aren't quite as versed in sarcasm as you appear to be." I frowned at Celestia "That's the only language I speak!" She giggled while Twilight looked confused "I thought you spoke Equestrian" "No I speak English! So do you, in fact until further notice everyone here speaks English because if I hear one more pony pun I'm moving back into the forest!" Twilight frowned " You mean everypony" "Right which way to the forest?" I said while walking away from the group "Wait! Come back!" Twilight freaked out like I really was going to go back to the forest "I was being sarcastic, again" "Oh" I shook my head smiling lightly "So Princess what now?" "Well I think we shall head over for the festivities before showing your new home" "New home....?" I mumbled "Did we not tell you? I had thought I had mentioned you living here" "But a house? You don't even know me! I could be a killer for all you know and you just offer me a house?!" This must be a joke no one just gives away a house "We feel that you can be trusted, and if not well we shall deal with it " The sun seemed to dim for a moment and Celestia eye's took on a sinister appearance and then it was gone just as quickly as it came. Creepy "Beside it's the least we can do for someone that had been stranded on a planet they don't recognize, anypony would do it." I don't know about that, I mean not to insult humans but we were kinda what's the word? Xenophobic? I think that's it. "It's just weird, you ponies seem pretty care free, I mean if an alien showed up on earth some of us would try and kill it, some of us would negotiate with it, and some of us just wouldn't care. Or maybe we would just dissected it." Guess it depends on who gotten their hands on the alien first. "Why would they dissect a being they know nothing about?" I shrugged "To learn about, learn what it's weak too, see if it's anything special really, but then again I could be wrong about the whole dissecting thing, humans have never met another sentient species" "Until you" I nodded "Until me" then it hit me; I was representing the human race, and so far I hadn't shown their royalty any respect and had been sarcastic to their subjects and hit a Princess in the FACE....... I might be the worst ambassador in the history of forever. Then again I was probably doing better most people would have if they had met talking ponies. And I'm hungry what do ponies even eat? Grass and stuff right? Pinkie had mentioned cake..... Pretty sure that's not a part of a balanced pony meal. "I'm sorry but what do ponies even eat?" Twilight spoke up "Oh we eat all kinds of things like fruits, flowers, vegetables, hay, candy, and lots of other stuff. What do humans eat?" "Vegetables, fruits, candy, meat, soda, and just about anything unhealthy" I hope that by hiding meat in the middle she would overlook it "You eat meat?" or not apparently, oh well in for a penny... "Yeah it is an everyday thing for humans." Celestia frowned "I thought you said that humans rarely ate meat." I smirked "No I said 'There have been documented cases' if that's the way you took it then" I shrugged while Celestia scowled "I would prefer if you do not withhold information from us in the future." "I technically didn't lie, I simply didn't want to cause the town to freak out about an omnivore living here" I may not know much about ponies but I knew that they didn't eat meat. "So why didn't you tell us?" Twilight looked quite confused "Say you wake up one day in a village of talking flowers, do you really want to tell them that you eat flowers and have them think you're a monster?" "No" She looked disturbed by the notion. "Yeah well I don't want ponies thinking I'm a monster, oh and I don't plan on eating any ponies. Too stringy" I smirked while paled. How the fuck does that work? She's covered in fur! "Being sarcastic again not going to eat you" I groaned, "Oh I knew that" Yeah sure you did "I believe we're here" I looked up at a massive tree with a door in the side. A steady stream of music could be heard coming out of several windows "Somebody lives here?" Twilight nodded "Somepony, and that somepony is me" "You live in a tree?" "Yep" "And that's normal here?" "Uh-huh" I will never get used to this place. Twilight lead me inside XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Let me start off by saying; Pony Parties are weird, really fucking weird. It all started off cool enough I was raiding the snack bar and being introduced to ponies via Pinkie. So anyway half-way through the party Pinkie decides I should play pin the tail on the pony, yeah I know pony puns, after several half-baked excuses I was blindfolded and spun around several times thanks to Rainbow Dash. I move forward listening to the instructions being yelled at me from Pinkie until I finally planted the tail on the wall, I missed horribly. Many hours later the party was still going in full swing several of the ponies had apparently eaten salt, which confused the fuck out of me at first until Celestia explained that salt was like booze. Except it only worked on ponies. Anyway one drunken Rainbow Dash seemed to think it would be a great idea to salt the punch. Pure fucking chaos, seriously have you ever seen a drunken unicorn attempt to juggle books? It's both hilarious and horrifying mostly because I had to dodge several books, and a drunken Pinkie that had jumped into the mix. About this time Celestia figured it would probably be a good time to get me to my new home since she figured that this party was about to take a nose dive to debauchery. I didn't complain, there were already several passed out ponies draped over furniture and some of which were covered in vomit. Anyway they were leading me to my house "So Alex what do you think about our kingdom?" Celestia asked "Seems nice, kinda eighteen hundreds but nice." She smiled "I am glad you think so" The rest of the trip went in silence. They lead me out of the middle of town and closer to the outskirts similar to suburbs. They stopped in front of a two story house with a white picket fence surrounding a large front yard. The yard was overgrown and vines were slowly creeping up the side of the chimney. Luna smiled "What does tho think?" "You are just giving me this?" My mouth was hanging open. I was used to living in an apartment! This place was huge! "Yes, we hope you find this to your liking." "It's freaking AWESOME!" I shouted. They smiled genuinely pleased "We are glad you like it, now go get some rest" Celestia said pushing towards the door "We need to go ensure our subjects don't hurt themselves." The began to walk back towards the giant tree. I shook my head smiling as I went inside. Wake-up in the morningI woke up by myself, It was surprisingly nice just to lie in bed for a while doing nothing. At least that's what I did until I heard someo-no wait somepony knocking on the door. I sighed and slid out of bed, I looked at my dirty clothes and realized that they were the only clothes that I had. I guess I could toga it but...... Ah fuck it I'd rather wear dirty clothes that a toga. I went downstairs trying not to get angry with the increasing knocking at my door. I opened it "Yes?" I said in a crisp tone "Alex!" Pinkie seemed no only way to chipper than anyone had any right to be but also a complete contrast to the grumpy looking unicorn next to her. "Pinkie, Twilight what brings you to my humble abode." And why does Twilight look like she was hit by a large city bus? "I'm here to give you and Twilight the tour of Ponyville!" Pinkie happy nature seemed to be unfazed by Twilight's dour mood. "Yes, well I afraid..." Come on brain think of a clever lie " That I must ......" I hadn't even had my morning coffee yet how could I expect to think of a believable lie? Then a thought hit me, why lie when I could tell the truth? "Sorry Pinkie but I haven't had breakfast yet, maybe later?" She just kept smiling before wrapping for foreleg around my waist and pulling me out of the house while somehow shutting my door. "That's alright silly we'll get some breakfast at Sugarcube corner." With my only excuse gone and my mind struggling to grasp what a 'Sugarcube Corner' was I was easily herded onto the street along with a grumpy looking unicorn. "Hey ya Twilight why do you look like death warmed over?" She muttered darkly and ignored me "Oh she just a little bit of a grumpy Gus because she drank too much and has a headache" Pinkie volunteered, so she was hungover got it....excepted didn't Pinkie drink last night too? "So if she's hungover why aren't you?" Pinkie paused and scratched her head with her foreleg which looked like an affront to gravity itself before saying "What's a hangover?" I blinked "You've never had a hangover?" she smiled and started walking done the street, me and Twilight in tow "Nopey dopey!" I frowned confused, she had definitely had enough booze, or salt I guess to leave her hungover..... unless ponies can handle their liquor and recreational drugs a helluva lot better than humans. And another why was Twilight on this tour she definetly had no interest in being here "So why is Twilight here again?" "Pinkie wouldn't let me 'Waste such a fantastic day' sleeping in" Now I'm no expert on glares but Twilight's glare o'death was seriously impressive being beaten only by my mothers patented 'I'm using your full name now, fear for your very being' glare. "Yeah but why are you on the tour?" "I just moved here" I was surprised "Really? You get along with your other friends so well I would have guess that you had known them for years." She smiled slightly "Nope, just met them a few days ago but.... you ever met someone and felt like you've known them forever?" I nodded me and my buddy Ray were like that, we had met at some bar. I forget the exact reasoning behind it but we were both trying to impress this girl by how many shots we could do. By shot seven the girl had left and we were laughing like idiots. I miss Ray "Yeah I know the feeling." I said somberly, She nodded "It's like that" Made sense I suppose friends were weird like that "Come-on you silly fillies we still have a whole town to explore!" Pinkie exclaimed while attempting to climb my back "Firstly; I'm not Mount Everest so why do you insist on always trying to climb me? Secondly; I'm not a filly I'm not even a pony I am a male human." I deadpanned, Pinkie continued to climb up on to my shoulders "But it's fun to climb things! And it's easier to rhyme with filly than male human!" I tried to shrug but the action was impaired by the pink pony. Pinkie began to list of names of ponies I half-remembered and their occupation while pointing at the house they lived in. Twilight seemed to be paying some attention while I was trying to figure out if the ponies had electricity or not. It sounded like a simple yes or no question right? I wish, the ponies had the weirdest gaps in technology that I had seen, they had refrigerators but no obvious power plugs for them, I had seen DJ equipment last night but no TV's it was just weird. Plus I was kinda hoping that if they had electricity I could figure out how to charge my phone. I missed human music already, and why is Pinkie so light? I thought ponies were supposed to be heavy. "And Lyra and Bon Bon live over there" She jerked slight in one direction while pointing at a two-story house. "Lyra play music and Bon Bon makes candy!" at least I tuned in for the important part; Food. And then I noticed something " You know for a alien carrying a pony on his shoulders we sure aren't getting as many stares as I thought we would" I commented "Oh course not silly Princess Celestia said you're nice" "So just because Celestia said I'm Nice I can do weird stuff and nobody blinks an eye?" Twilight intervened "Princess Celestia mentioned that you are likely to have unusually habits and hobbies that may seem strange but that we should respect." "That was nice of her." I wonder what that will let me get away with, It's basically diplomatic immunity. Pinkie let out a loud gasp "Quickly my steed this way!" She said while jerking me towards a large gingerbread looking building. "Ack! Stop! Hair is not a lead!"
The drunk in the field"Owww" I cracked my eye open and saw a glorious ray of sunlight shining all over my face. Wait did I say glorious? I meant hellish, definitely hellish. Admittedly that maybe the hangover talking but until I've returned to my normal state of mind the sun is now hellish. Opening my eyes with a little more caution this time I slowly grew accustomed to the incredibly bright light filtering directly in my eye. Now where am I? "A field?" I was mildly surprised, I say mildly because to be blunt I had woken up hungover in some much more awkward areas. Like when I woke up in the caveman exhibit in the museum.... Naked. What can I say, Jack Daniels makes me do weird shit. I pulled my phone out and tried calling one of my friends to see what had happened last night and hopefully get a ride home. I sat-up and a half-drunk bottle of Jack fell off my chest. "This is your fault" I shamed the bottle, I hope it feels terrible about itself now. I dialed one of my friends numbers and... Busy signal, ok I'll try calling Ray, Busy Signal, John then, busy signal, ummm Todd? Busy signal. Fine! I'll call the cops, annndddddd busy signal. Okay well I just use the GPS annnnd no signal...... "Ok this is bad, maybe if I retrace my steps I can get back to the bar or a road even. Yeah that's the best idea I've had all day" picking up the bottle of Jack (No sense in letting it go to waste) I began the search for a road or village or just about anything that resembled civilization. After what seemed like a few hours worth of walking I saw a small outline of a village in the distance. "Huzzah! I hath found the land of milk and honey!" Okay maybe I had started talking to myself, no shame in that and perhaps I preferred to speak like 1800's nobleman, slight amount of shame there. But still civilization! I mean I was worried I was going to have to keep walking like some kind of wandering salesman and let's face it a half empty bottle of Jack was not going to raking in the big bucks for me. And another thing what is that purple thing walking towards me? I stopped and looked at the strange purple...... Thing moving towards me from the town.... What the hell are you purple thing? Maybe I should hide? A quick look around assured me that unless the grass suddenly shifted to looking like gray hoodies I was basically fucked in the hiding department . "Go now grass do my bidding!" refusing my superior call for it to change the grass stay a vibrant green. "You'll get yours" I said while shaking my fist at the grass "Whaaat are you doing?" A slurred voice from my side asked "Threatening the gr-" I turned to look towards the voice and found a chest high technicolor horse, and oh god what fresh hell is this? "Why of all places I wandered into would it be a furry convention?" Drunk horse looked at me confused "What's a furry?" I glared at the horse "You are" "No I'm a pony!" she stated proudly while point a hoof towards herself...... how the hell is it bending like that? "No you're a furry!" "Pony!" "Furry!" "Pony!" she said while glaring at me, how did she move her eyes unless..... "Jack why have you betrayed me!?" I screamed dropping to my knees. Now bear with me here because shit's about to get weird; there was a purple drunk pony talking in front of me and only one logical answer. "Those assholes Roofy'd me!" The pony on the other hand ignored my outburst and focused completely on the mission of every drunk known to man, find more booze? "Waz that?" she said pointing, or hooving, towards the bottle in my hand. Don't talk to the delusions Alex you'll only make them stronger! "The bane of my existence." Dammit Alex you had one job, one! "Oh I love that stuff!" She proceeded to swipe the bottle out of my hands and began to drink it while walking back towards the small town. My brain went offline and I fell back into the grass talking to myself "A talking purple horse just stole my Jack" I proceeded to laugh my ass off until I was gasping for breath. Either this was one of the best highs I've ever had or..... No that's not possible. Giggling to myself I decided to sleep this one off and hopefully when I woke up I would be passed out on the bar floor, that'd be nice. Sleep engulfed me in moments. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "Umm Mister could you wake up?" Something was jabbing me in the sides repeatedly "See that's that hairless monkey I told you about" a voice slurred "No no no no no, please tell me I'm not in horseland still" I opened my eye and saw a sky blue eye staring back. "Ahh!" I yelled while scrambling back, while the owner of the eye fell back laughing like we had just played a fun game. "Who are you!?" I half yelled half gasped. The horse that woke me up was bright pink with slightly darker curly pink hair and big sky blue eyes, why were their eyes so big? "I'm Pinkie Pie" She said while literally bouncing up and down. It was kinda creepy for her to be smiling that big, I mean I her teeth are almost touching her ears for god's sake! "Who are you?" Ahh very clever delusion trying to get me to submerge myself into this world even more. I won't fall for that I'm too sma- "I'm Alex Johnson" Dammit brain! Work with me here! The pink horse ignored my grumbles about giving myself a frontal lobotomy if my brain didn't step in line and proceeded to try and talk me to death, at least that's what I assume she was trying to do. "That's a weird name, is it a diamond dog name? Are you a shaved diamond dog? Unless you're not a shaved diamond dog and actually a pony that has a curse to become a were money at night I bet that's it isn't it?!" My brain physically hurt trying to keep up with her. "Umm no I'm a human, and I wa- Hey! Wait a second you took my Jack!" I yelled pointing at the purple horse "Oh this" she slurred while pulling out an almost empty bottle of Jack "Here you can have it, it wasn't that good" She tossed it into my hands. "Gee thanks" I grumbled looking at the little alcohol I had left. The pink one had stopped jumping and was now sitting down with a puzzled look on her face "But I thought humans were just an old pony's tale." "Yeah sure why not" I shrugged my shoulders, let the delusion think whatever she wanted. I stood up and looked around; the sun was just beginning to set and there was a forest to the right of the village. "So not that this hasn't been fun or anything but I'm going to need to wake up now so I think I'll wander... Into that dank looking forest so good luck with the whole illusion fueled by my drug addled brain thing you have going." I said while walking towards the forest and waving towards the two strange horses. "Bye Mister Alex Johnson!" The pinkie one yelled while bouncing up and down the purple one was less enthusiastic "Next time bring better booze!" "I'm hoping there won't be a next time." I muttered, I looked at the forest hopefully I would 'pass out' somewhere in here and wake up in the somewhat saner world that didn't include talking horses. Still though for talking horses they weren't that bad "Ah well here goes nothing" I said with a smile as I entered the forest. Author's Note Evening Guys and Gals please let me know what you think and anything you think I can improve on Also: I desperately need an editor (or several) I am god awful with grammar.
the sober in the woods"You are by far the worst wolf I have ever seen" I said in a haughty voice while sticking my nose in the air. "I mean at least the horses had the decency to be made of flesh and blood but you! Oh no flesh and blood wasn't good enough for you so you decided to be made of wood." The wolf, in his defense, continued to growl and try to circle around me, which I was having none of. He wasn't exactly friendly looking, well unless you could get past the whole foaming at the mouth and growling menacingly at me. But other than that he was a real pal maybe we could go drinking together, oh wait never mind a horse already drank most my booze, well maybe he can go away while I try to wake the hell up. "Hey here's an idea Wolfie why don't you go that way and I go this way and then you can tell your kids how you didn't get your ass kicked by me." his increase in growling did nothing to comfort me. "Right so here the deal wolf and OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT!" I yelled pointing behind him and imagine my surprise when it worked. I bolted back through the trees and basically towards anything that looked like a wolf would have problems getting over. A howl warbled from behind and was quickly echo'd by several other howls. 'So this may be bad' I heard several pairs of feet running behind me and unfortunately gaining. 'Why did I think running from wolves was a good idea? Why am I even worried this is all a drugged up illusions.' This idea did nothing to slow my feet as I moved out of the woods and into a small clearing. A small clearing I didn't recognize cursing what god that was on duty today I ran towards the edge of the clearing and saw 'A fucking cliff!? Dammit all to hell!' I turned and started running a little too close to the edge for comfort however I was somewhat pleased to see a wolf that had pounced towards me had taken a sudden and unfortunate plunge to the bottom of the ravine. "Sucks to be you!" the snarls right on my heels put a bit of pep in my step as I neared the edge of the clearing and 'Is that a bridge, oh holy frijoles it is' a quick turn and I was in a position to run across the bridge and hopefully loss the wolves, wolves are scared of bridges, right? I quickly made my way across the bridge ignoring the voice in my head that said 'Hey bro you should totally look down right now'. I nearly collapsed once I was on the opposite side, I was apparently not made for running from deadly predators. I looked back and saw the wolves glaring at me from the opposite side of the bridge. "Ha-ha-gasp what's the matter-gasp afraid of a heights?" as if to spite me the closest wolf took a tentative step onto the bridge "Oh" I said quietly, I swear the wolf was smirking as he slowly made his way across the bridge. "Right plan B then" I frantically began to search the ground "Show me a sharp rock!" I spotted a rock that would do exactly what I need. I scooped the rock up and turned back to the bridge, the wolves were about half way across the bridge now and were whining in anticipation. 'I really don't want to be dinner' I thought as I began cutting away at the rope holding up the bridge with my somewhat pointy rock. "You dirty son of a wh-" *SNAP* "Yes!" the bridge leaned drastically to the side momentarily stalling the wolves, who then proceeded to haul ass towards me. "Ok rope now would be a really great time to-" *SNAP* "I am succes!" a ridiculous grin plastered my face as I lay down still gasping for breath. Somewhere in the back of my mind I wondered why the sky looked so.... Dank, I mean there were stars but they were dim and hazy at best. But most of me was still riding the high of escaping the wooden wolves. How many people can say they had done that? After catching my breath I rolled over on my stomach and picked myself up, to say I was unprepared for what I saw was the understatement of the day. 'Why the in the blue fuck is there a goddamn castle in the middle of the woods?' well castle is an overstatement it's more like a dilapidated castle, or a castle in ruins which ever sounds better, I suppose. So I suppose I could' A: check out the creepy looking castle Or B: spend my night in the woods with wolves. A howl sounded from behind me "I have always wanted to explore a castle" XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "This castle has definitely seen better days" I muttered as I moved down a corridor, I saw a large metal door on the right. I grabbed the handle "By the power of Ra I command you to open." the door stubbornly refused the power of Ra and stayed locked "Fine fuck you to door, I'll find a better door that likes me for who I am" continuing door the hall I found a room with a door ajar. "We have a winner!" I slide inside and jumped for joy when I saw what was inside. A bed, a freaking huge bed and the windows were still intact and there weren't any monstrosities trying to jump me and well it was probably the most normal thing I had seen all day. I moved towards the bed and running jump onto the bed. *POMF* A cloud of dust shot up around me, and yet I continued my timeless tradition of not giving a fuck and slowly began my to fall into a deep sleep. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I woke to the sound of birds, I slowly looked around and saw thick stone walls as well as familiar stained glass windows surrounding me. "I'm beginning to think this may not be a drug induced haze" Goddamit Author's Note Well I'll admit I wasn't expecting such a positive reaction so thanks to everyone that favorites and if you did please like! Thanks Grim out!
The man of the castle"This is the worst idea I've had all day." Then again it was still early and so far this day is just promising to be filled with mis-fortune. I looked down at my splayed out hand, and the rock in my other hand, the theory was that the pain of me smashing the rock into my hand would finally wake me up and get me out of crazy land. I closed my eyes and raised the rock up. "Ok here we go. 3,2 and 1" I slammed the rock onto the back of my hand. "OWW!" I let go of the rock and pulled my hand back towards me rubbing it slowly. I cracked open my eyes "No, nononononono." I was still here, the bed was just as dusty , the walls still wrinkled by time, and the windows still glaring with sunlight. Which means. "It can't be real! It's not! I refuse to believe it!" How could a place like this be real? It's impossible! Horses don't talk, wolves aren't made out of wood, and i can't be here! I wrapped my hands around my head. "Please no, oh god please." I want to go home. I have friends, I have a family, and a job. Please god send me home. I slowly wrapped myself into a ball, silently begging anything that would listen to send me back home. Tears began to run down my face as reality slowly sank in. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I don't know how long I stayed like that. The sun had all but set when my stomach made itself known. I couldn't recall the last time I had actually eaten something, probably at the bar before it happened. I slowly made my way to my feet, I felt different like empty different if that made sense. I had no one and had been tossed out of my world for reasons unknown to me. Was I some game to the gods? A universal mistake? Had I drunk myself to death and this was god's twisted afterlife? I didn't know and I didn't care, whatever had happened it must be reversible, it has to be. I would get home if it killed me, I don't care what it takes I will get home. But if I want to get home then I need to stay alive and to do that I need food. But go out into the woods at night would be suicide if last night was anything to judge by. So I guess that leaves trying to scrounge things from around the castle, I doubted anything was here but I was determined to find something. Wandering the castles in the dark was no different tonight than it had been last night, lots of stumbling and cursing. The castle's layout was strange and even I could see that it had very little in the way of tactical checkpoints, mostly just winding hallways with dilapidated beams half-fallen through the roof. Staggering around the castle proved to be quite annoying, as just about every door I found was either locked or blocked by rubble. Grumbling to myself I came to a large set of bronze color doors. I pressed my shoulder into the door and felt it give ever so slightly. "Come on you bitch." I gave a massive shove and the door finally gave into the pressure and creaked open. A fleeting moment of satisfaction flew through me before quickly being snuffed by the memories of where I was. I entered the room and saw what appeared to be the main entrance to the castle. In the center of the room was a pedestal with several spheres made of rocks on it. Oh what scratch that spheres of rocks with carvings of gems on them. "Useless hunk of rock" I glowered at the spheres before moving towards a stairway nearly hidden by rubble. I crawled through a small opening at near the top of the rubble and made my way up the staircase. I didn't know where I was going I was just hoping to find something edible. I came out in a huge room, the room may have been grandiose at one point but years of neglect had left it in a state of ruin. The back half of the roof had been torn away, the windows all shattered, a half decayed carpet leading the way to a small uprising of stairs. 'Maybe this was the throne room?' it seemed logical, the long walk to the end of the room would be perfect for the king to stare down his nose at his subjects. Ignoring the very empty and useless room I turned to the windows to see if I was surrounded by the woods or if I had some grassland nearby. A quick peek outside told me that I was in fact surrounded by wood, but something was wrong with the trees they were all in.... A line? 'Trees don't grow in lines unless they're planted, and most people plant trees for...' I looked into the branches of the trees and saw the glistening skin of a blood red apple shining in the moonlight. I quickly began to brush the glass out of the window pane wanting to waste no time trying to find a door to the outside in this maze of a castle. A quick hop through and I was in a rather large garden. I scanned the area for more of those wooden beasts and slowly made my way to the tree, a quick jump and scamper later I was sitting rather comfortably in one of the higher branches of the tree. I quickly grabbed one of the apples and tore into it like a starving man. Several apples later my hunger had ebbed away to a dull throb. I could live with this and there appear to be some other edible fruits in the nearby area. Wanting to get a better look of the area I slowly lowered myself down and began to move around the gardens. I spotted several different plants I could use; tomatoes, pears, apples, and some carrots I think. I was about to move back into the castle when a reflection of light caught my eye. I turned quickly thinking I had seen the reflection of light on something's eyes, when I saw a small hut nestled nearly against the castle. I slowly began to slink towards it attempting to stay low in the grass, the hut in question was covered in a tangle of vines and grass. After a few minutes of searching I found a small door covered in vines, a quick shove later and I found myself in a small cramped room. Many different kinds of tools lay in there most covered in a heavy layer of rust and grime. I quickly began to sort through the tools looking for anything that could help me survive or at least offer some protection from the wildlife. A ray of moonlight caught on a small patch of dull metal. I carefully pushed several rusted tools off the metal and soon found something that would not only protect me from wildlife but also prove an invaluable tool. For the first time that day a small ghost of a smile found its way to my face. I grabbed the tool and made my way back to the castle stopping only once to face the dark woods and offer a warning "Look out wolvies, get too close and I may just go Gordon Freeman on your ass." Special Thanks to chaos_trotter and Lego2112 for Prereading/Editing! Author's Note Glad too see people enjoying this story
The scrounger in the castleI jerked up out of the bed falling onto the cold stone ground, shreds of my dreams swam around my head before reality erased them. Shaking my head I stood up and grabbed the crowbar I had left lying near the bed, after all I had plans for the day. Originally I wanted to go back to that horse town but the more I thought about it the more I realized that I had no idea where that town was. Running for your life doesn't really give you much time to take note of the surroundings, plus I had kinda knocked down the bridge and didn't know an easy way to get back across the chasm. And I don't think I can jump it...... Without a ramp But lacking a ramp I decided to make camp here in the castle, at least for the time being. So today I would be using my new found tool to hopefully open up the locked doors in the castle. And if I'm really lucky I'll actually find something useful in one of these rooms, like swords or more tools or if I'm really lucky a portal gun...... Kinda doubting the portal gun thing. Mostly because this place is medieval at best, seriously there were fucking candles everywhere, well that and who in their right mind still lives in castles in this day and age? Of course this world has talking horse so fuck logic. Stepping into the hall I picked my first victim, an aging wooden door that had several tendrils of moss growing along its surface. "Ok how hard can this really be?" I muttered as I maneuvered the crowbar in the crack between the door and the wall "I mean they do this stuff on TV all the time." I pushed my weight against the crowbar, and slowly the wood began to groan and snap. With a grunt of effort I gave a powerful shove and was rewarded with a loud snap and the door swinging open. With a smile on my face I entered the room "Let's see what's behind door number one" A quick look around the room did not look promising, a half rotted table sagged against a wall while some ratty carpet had been all but destroyed by time. A quick look through the cupboards and cabinets in the room only provided me with more moth eaten cloth, probably linens by the look of it. And that's about it so first room is a bust. "The rest of the rooms better have something worthwhile in them." I grumbled as I continued down the hall. Several doors later I came to the conclusion that this castle had nothing of value left in it. I made my way back to the gardens where I helped myself to a lunch of apples and some carrots. I decided to spend the rest of the day wandering around the gardens to take stock of what I had in the way of resources. I found a small well nearly hidden by in by a thicket of berry bushes. I brought the bucket up from the bottom and was pleasantly surprised to find crystal clear water. Unfortunately that was the only good find for me, what I had originally thought would be enough food for several weeks quickly proved to be maybe enough for a week. And to make it worse I had found several half eaten heads of cabbage closer to the edge of the wood. So if the wildlife and I kept eating the food I had what? Five or six days of food left? So I could either learn to hunt with nothing but a crowbar and some smelly clothes, or I could try to find a way past the cliffs and get back to the horse town. Sighing I made mental plans to get back to the horse town and hopefully not be an experiment or the subject of a vivisection. Muttering angrily I headed back inside and back to the room I had claimed for myself, where I quickly fell asleep. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "This is not right" The sky was still dark, now I'm no expert in this new horse land but every day the sun had gone down and come back up the next day. Except today it didn't the moon was still high in the sky and my watch said it should be about noon-ish, not say my watch is right but I mean....... It was dark when I went to sleep and it is still dark sooooo. Well maybe the horse world was in the middle of an apocalypse or something, judging by how my luck has been lately that seems most likely. Oh and I would probably be the first one to die A roar echoed from the forest across the gorge. "The fuck is that? Do they have fucking lions here?" Unpleasant imagines of me being mauled via giant lions flashed through my mind. "Note to self; Don't get mauled by giant lions, or wolves." Yeah that should take care of it, a quick glance outside the window confirmed that it was still in fact night and that there were horses on the opposite side of the gorge. "Wait what!?" Oh god I've been tracked here, I'm going to be dissected. Carefully peering over the window sill I watched the horses talk to each other and Ohmygodtheycanfly A light blue horse with what I will describe as pride parade hair fucking flew over the gorge while nonchalantly picking up the rope of the bridge I had so carefully destroyed and went to re-tie them. Wait where did those horses come from? Several horses in some kind of military uniform flew over to the blue one and talked to it about something. Blue horse is going to tie off the bridge and...... Horses are apparently made of a dark blue mist........... The more you know.jpg "I fucking hate this place." The horses moved across the bridge and started heading towards the castle. I grabbed my crowbar and began to make my way towards the main entrance. "I am not going quietly in to the night I'm afraid." I smirked, these horses will not be taking me without a fight. Author's Note Hey guys hope you enjoyed Also Merry Christmas!
The Man and the Nightmare"I am beginning to think that these horses aren't here to capture me" I mumbled as I watched the five- no wait six the yellow one is hiding behind the orange one, horses messing around with the stone spheres in the main hall. Well, good for the horses maybe I can go back to my room and call it a day or night or whatever. Oh wait two of the horses are taking the spheres to the purple one with a horn....... You know what? I am not even surprised anymore. Wait why are the other horses leaving? What is that purple one doing with the stones? I was so intrigued with what the horse was doing I didn't even notice the blue mist curling up behind me until it gave me a shove, ejecting me from my hiding space and right in front of the purple unicorn thing. "Oh shit" "AHHHHHHHH" Little known fact horses can scream, loud. Recoiling from the horse I tried to make it back to my hiding spot until the wind began to whip around me, as the stone spheres were lifted up in a blue mist tornado. It was actually cool until it disappeared along with the purple unicorn. That's when fate chose to fuck me over, the rest of the horse ran in frantically yelling "Twilight!" Which is all fine and dandy until they saw me, and narrowed their eyes. I swear the blue one even snorted steam "Oh all of my fuck this" I jumped up and made a mad dash for the stairs all too aware of the sound of hooves behind me. "Where's our friend!?" I think that was the blue one, not really stopping to ask after all I was kind of busy trying to run up the stairs and escape from the horses. Exiting the stairs I was once again in the throne room except there was a purple unicorn charging a rather large black winged unicorn thing. The purple one disappeared in a flash of well, purple and the black one kept charging right towards me and well, what your first instinct when something is charging you? I swung batter style at the black horse's head *CRACK* "Oh that's gotta hurt" I mumbled as the black horses, completely unprepared for a side assault, tumbled to the side. The other horses behind me had stopped and were staring at the now prone black horse "You just hit The Nightmare" the blue one mumbled in awe "Is that a good or bad thing?" I asked while the black horse slowly regained it footing, it horn-thing was glowing a deep indigo blue, why do things on horses even glow? *ZAP* I went flying across the room as what felt like a bolt of lightning struck my side. "GAH!" my limbs began to spaz out as electricity flowed through my body. Eventually I came to a stop against the far wall of the room. "Well that hurt like hell" I grunted while trying to stand up while my now jelly-like legs refused to obey me. Which was probably just as well because the black horse was stalking towards me with hate burning in its eyes. "You peasant! You dare harm the all-powerful Nightmare!? You shall pay the ultimate price" the black horse seemed completely oblivious to the group hug the other horses were having behind it but hey whatever good for the colorful horses. "I don't suppose saying sorry will, ummm I don't know maybe stop your quest to have my head mounted on a pike?" I asked the horse who literally growled. "Horses dont growl! Learn your place in the animal kingdom!" Mouth shut-up it's trying to kill us "Nightmare!" Oh look it the purple one is wearing a crown thing, good on the purple one. And now all the horses are floating and the purple one's eyes have turned completely white, well, great now they're possessed. Hopefully they're not into blood sacrifices. Oh and the purple one mentioned something about 'the power of friendship' I think, I was trying not to pass out and there was a flying rainbow....... I think........ Maybe I did pass out. There was a flash of white as the rainbow hit the black horse, a giant Shockwave shot through the room. "Trippy" I promptly passed out. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "What do you think it is?" Something poked me in the arm eliciting a groan from me. "Oh it's that hairless monkey thing I was telling you girls about" That bubbly voice sounds familiar. "I thought you were just making that up" Another poke to the ribs convinced me that I should open up my eyes. "I instantly regret this decision." I groaned as the light blinded me. There were several gasps "It can talk!" and several other variations were heard echoing around the room. "Of course it can Sillies, its name it Mr. Alex Johnson!" Oh god I recognize that voice, it the pink one probably back to try and talk me to death again. Slowly opening my eyes I saw that I was in fact surrounded by colorful horses. And my brain shut down, I mean complete offline mode. The purple one walked forward "Umm Hello there Mr. Alex Johnson, my name is Twilight Sparkle." I continued to sit there like a vegetable as the purple one extends her hoof for a handshake I presume. After several awkward seconds she slowly lowered her hoof and sheepishly moved back in line with the other horses. 'Brain do something we look like idiots here!' "Umm hello" Good job brain we look slightly less retarded now. The horses jaws had hit the floor, well not the pink one she was just smiling and..... bouncing..... is that normal here? "Hello Mr. Alex Johnson, I'm Pinkie Pie but you already know that since we met outside the Everfree forest when Berry Punch stole your bottle!" shes still bouncing "Excuse me for one moment" I said while covering my mouth with my hand "MMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" my muffled scream made the horse jump back a bit, I uncovered my mouth and heaved out a sigh "Sorry about that, really hard to get used to talking horses." "Ponies" "Huh?" the purple one seemed a bit peeved "We're ponies, not horses" "Of course you are" I sighed as a very tall looking hors- pony stood up in the back of the room. It looked very regal with a crown and everything. It had a horn and wings, but the most intersting feature about the pony was the flowing hair, now all the ponies had weird hair but this one's hair was freaking moving. Like by itself. No seriously. "Twilight how is our guest?" she had a very motherly(?) voice, it fit her very well I guess "It appears to be fine Princess" Princess, as in royalty? Should I be begging for my life right now? Okay mouth time to lay on the charm! "So is she a horse?" Why mouth!? WHHHYYYY!?
The Man and the PrincessSilence. Silence reigned in the throne room. The six or so hor-no- ponies in front of me were staring at me jaws touching the ground. The big white one with the cool hair was looking at me with an unreadable expression. I was making my peace with God and apologizing for all the time I woke my friends up with fireworks........ And water........ And maybe physical harm. Hold on maybe I can salvage this situation "So I assume you're not a horse then....... Good for you" Mouth you've ruined us. A tinkling laugh erupted from behind the white one and a slightly smaller indigo pony made a show of covering her mouth with her hoof. Then the white one began to snort, then giggle before finally breaking down into full blown laughing. The six in front of my turned to face the big ones obviously in shock. The laughter finally petered out and the white one resumed a regal air about her. "No, to answer your question I am not a horse, the better question is what are you?" She said with a smile on her face "Now, hypothetically speaking, if I said 'human' per say you wouldn't feel the need to smote me or anything would you?" "Smote?" "Yes, smote or smite or kill, or bludgeon to death with a rather large rock, or any combination thereof" Oh look it the yellow one passed out. "I can safely say that I have no intentions of smiting you" Good news then "Oh well in that case I am in fact human, and my name is Alex" "Pleasure to meet you Alex, I am Princess Celestia, and this is my sister Luna, Princess of the night." Ponies have really weird titles, then again it does sound pretty intimidating...... Maybe I should start introducing myself as Alex the bloodbringer. "So you two are like royalty then right?" she nodded "So should I bow or offer my hand as a sacrifice or what?" "Well what do you for your royalty?" "Funny story actually, we don't have royalty. We vote for a president and congress and shit, well in my country at least" Luna- I think that's her name- spoke up "Then who raise the sun and moon for you?" My brain is full of wat "Gravity..... That's like it's one job, well besides making drunks fall and shit" well I think it's gravity...... Should have paid more attention in class "But that's impossible, how does your planet not get suck into the sun then." Witty response go! "Fucking miracle man, they just like to happen. But seriously no idea." The purple one's eye twitch, wait her names like Twilight or something right? Yea Twilight it is "So your planet just hangs there in space?" "Yep" "Without getting pulled into the sun?" "Yep" my butts getting numb "That's impossible" "Said the talking indigo pony" I muttered "What?" "I said no it's not, raise the sun is impossible." Celestia smirked "No I do it on a rather daily basis." "Pics or it didn't happen." She looked confused "What does that mean?" Twilight's hair curled "Nothing it just..... Nevermind." Then the purple one snapped "What's going on!? What's a human?! Why's it here!? What's a president!? And what do you mean his planet!?" Celestia smiled, while I scooted away from the panting pony. Huh, I rhymed, I'm going to hate it here. "Well Twilight" Nailed it " You lasted longer than I expected" I frowned "Well could you warn me next time, I thought she was exploding or something" She shook her head and continued to smile "Ah your majesty, is that thing safe?" I said my name orange pony! "Ah your majesty, does that orange pony know my name is Alex? I thought I had announced it" I grumped, Celestia rolled her eyes while the orange one glared at me. "Ma name is Applejack" She has a southern drawl.... Is that even possible? "See was that so hard? Nice to meet you Applejack, I'm Alex" hey the yellow one woke up, and another thing what's up with the ridiculous color schemes these ponies have going on? I mean the blue one's hair is a freakin rainbow! "So then Alex are y'all safe?" Am I safe? "Good question, I have absolutely NO IDEA!" I smiled "What do ya mean?" "Well you see, so far I have been in this wonderful place for like three days or so, wasn't really counting since I thought it was all a drug induced haze! I even told Pink one there that" Pink one in question was currently murdering a pastry I think, yet she still found a way to correct me. "It's Pinkie silly!" "Right Pinkie, so anyway then I went into the woods, got chased by some wooden wolves, hide in the castle, ran away from you ponies and hit a black one on the head. Oh! And I got zapped in the chest."I said pointing to a hole burnt in the side of my shirt. "So it's safe to say that this is NOT a normal situation for me and I'm really freaking out on the inside so I might be dangerous." The oran- No Applejack looked confused by my answer, "Um well thanks for being honest?" "Sure why not?" "It sounds like you have been through a lot" I turned back to Celestia "Does it? Maybe, I don't really know. Is it normal to get chased by wooden wolves?" "No it is not, nor is it normal to get 'Zapped'." "Oh alright" Silence re-took the the room. Question's began to bubble up in my head, the most prevalent being "So what happens now?" "Well that's the question isn't it? The real question is what would you like to do? You could stay here if you wish, I could also arrange for you to stay nearby, tell me what would you prefer for me to do?" A small flame of hope spluttered to life in my chest "Can you send me home?" Author's Note Thanks for all the support!
The new (and only) Man in town"You want to go home?" Celestia asked "Yes, just send me home" The little flicker of hope in my chest was growing steadily stronger "Very well, you said you hail from a different planet correct?" "Yeah it's called Earth" "Why do you not return the same way you got here?" a frown crossed my face "I don't know how I got here" I mumbled "You don't know?" "No I just kinda woke up in a field" I thought I had explained this "With no recollection of how you got here?" I shook my head, as a frown formed on Celestia's face "And I assume you have no idea where your planet is in correlation to Equestria, do you?" "I hadn't even heard of a planet capable of sustaining life let alone one called Equestria." The frown deepened and the small flame of hope is my chest quickly flickered out. "You can't send me home can you?" "Not immediately, I'm afraid." Notcing the liking going out in my eyes Celestia quickly continued "However given time we might be able to figure out how to get you back." She said with a small smile "How much time" Her smile faltered "I do not know, but I assure you we shall do everything in our power to return you to your world" I nodded, not exactly happy but not despairing, still a small frown persistent in my face. "So what do we do with me then?" Twilight lifted her leg in the air, which in itself was some kind of insult to physics. "Uhh princess he could stay in Ponyville." I flinched at the terrible pun that seemed to be the norm here. "Why would I want to stay there?" The name alone was almost enough to drive me away "Umm well it's nearby, really friendly, kinda small and you already know someponies living there!" She finished with a big smile. I thought about it and to be completely honest it didn't sound that bad. I was still skittish around these ponies, I was unsure of how I would react to large crowds of them and well these ponies didn't seem so bad. "Well..... I guess that could work" Twilight beamed, while Pinkie jumped up and down while talking about some party or something. "In that case I suppose we'll have to get you somewhere to live then won't we?" Celestia was smiling "But perhaps you should meet the rest of your new 'neighbors', hmm?" Celestia said while motioning to the other unknown ponies in the room. The white pony stepped forward "Hello darling, my name is Rarity, local Fashionista" She sounded very high-class, stuck her hoof out while looking to the side. 'Does she want me to kiss it?' deciding to be particularly obtuse I grabbed her hoof and shook it rapidly "Nice to meet you Rarity" I said as she slowly stumbled away, as the blue rainbow haired one flew up. "I'm Rainbow dash number one flying in Equestria!" She stated as she hovered eye to eye with my "The pleasure's mine I'm sure" I replied with just a hint of sarcasm that she seemed to miss. I think that's all of them, oh no wait the Oran- Applejack is pushing a yellow ball with pink hair towards me. Is this a peace offering or something? "Come'on Fluttershy say hello" Applejack said, a pair of teal-ish eyes popped out from under the hair "Hello" she squeaked before shooting back behind Applejack. "And I'm Pinkie!" A pink blob attached to my back announced "This is like the third time you introduced yourself to me" she frowned "But everypony else was doing it" she whined as I lifted her off my back. "Fine, fine. Can we go now?" I asked Celestia who smiled "Certainly follow me." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I trudged along behind the group still somewhat upset about being stuck here, unfortunately Pinkie didn't seem to like that "Come on mister grumpy cheer up!" Pinkie reached up and forced my face into an oversized smile before it slumped back into a frown. "Pinkie darling why don't you give Mr. Alex some space" Rarity pulled Pinkie back-up with the rest of the group, allowing me to continue to sulk. 'Could be worse' I chuckled at the thought 'Yeah I could've landed in the resident evil world and gotten lost in one of their plot holes' I snorted, right as a pair of Pink hooves wrapped around my head. "Hey he's not grumpy anymore!" Pink pony on my head "AAAAHHH!" I yelled as I began to run in circles "WHEEEE!" "Get her off me!" I screamed while the other ponies stared at us in awe or in Rainbow's case falling to the ground laughing. After several minutes of me running around screaming and Pinkie cackling like a madwoman ( or madpony) "Fine-pant you-pant win." Little wanna-be headcrab had a vice like grip, I should probably turn in my man card seeing as I had just been overpowered by a pink pony. "Do it again!" She giggled "Nooooo, get off my head" I groaned as I desperately tried to force Pinkie off of my head to which she giggled. Celestia cleared her throat "Pinkie perhaps you should get off our guest, we are nearly there." "Awwww" She whined as dropped off my head and landed with a bounce next to me. "So Mr. Alex do you like cake?" What is with this pony?! "Sure, I guess" She furrowed her brow "Can you teach me some alien cakes?" "I'm afraid not" "Aww why not?" She whined "Because reasons" the idea of pro-longed social interactions with the ponies was not one that was appealing to me. I was planning on holing up where-ever I could until the Princess could send me home. Then hopefully I would forget this entire thing or repress it...... Meh either one would work. Celestia spoke up "Alright Alex we suggest you prepare yourself for this" we walked out of the forest and into a clearing with a town on the horizon. "Meeting an entire town of colorful ponies? What could possibly-MUH!" Pinkie shoved her hoof in my mouth "Don't say that!" I spat her hoof out "Gross that was on the ground."
The new (and only) Man in town part twoI stood there fidgeting with my watch. "Alex will you calm down?" Twilight was getting annoyed with my fidgeting "I am calm! You calm down!" I stated a little too fast while still fidgeting with my watch. I continued to blather on trying to keep my mind of the upcoming situation "I mean you're not the one being introduced to entirely new species, I think I've earned a right to be nervous" I had always had a bit of stage fright, not that I made an idiot of myself in front of people but the capacity to be judged by some many people for just a few words scared me. And the fact that the Princesses had lead us straight to the town hall for a meeting about me really wasn't helping. I heard a stomping of hooves coming from behind the curtain I was currently standing behind, well more like hiding. "And here's our guest" I heard Celestia say "That's your cue" Twilight whispered while pushing me towards the curtain. My legs locked up "Ok I don't think I can do this" I said desperately "Don't worry you'll be fine, the ponies here are really friendly" she said while still shoving me towards the curtain "No wait please!" too late, she shoved me onto the stage. Momentarily blinded by the bright lights I shielded my eyes before looking at the crowd. An inaudible whimper escapes my mouth; so many ponies, so much color. So many eyes, so quiet. Carefully stepping towards the mic, with Celestia and Luna looking on with kind eyes, I made my move "H-Hello" I said weakly, silence greeted me 'You fucked it up, should've said something better should've-' "Hello" A child's voice answered me. I looked into the crowd and saw a small white unicorn with a pink and mulberry colored mane waving at me. Another voice said hello, then another and another until the whole room was filled with hellos. A relieved smile broke across my face, I hadn't fucked it up! I wasn't feared! And best of all I wasn't being hunted! "Perhaps you should introduce yourself?" Celestia mumbled while just barely moving her lips, as the last of the hellos withered off, I returned to the mic. "My name is Alex, I'm a human, and uh I'm not really from around here" I smiled sheepishly while several ponies raised their hooves. I looked over at Celestia who nodded encouragingly, I pointed at a gray mare with blond hair and swiveled golden eyes. "Umm yes you?" "Do hew-mans have muffins?" she asked perplexed "Um yes we do" she seemed very pleased with the answer and sat down. I pointed at another pony this time it was a stallion with pine green fur and dark blue hair. "Yes?" "What do humans eat?" I fumbled a bit for a answer, part of me had already made the connection that ponies don't eat meat and probably aren't the best of friends with carnivores. Cleverly worded lie go! "Oh a human will eat just about anything, within reason of course" ha! Eluded it "What about meat?" I spluttered, was this pony trying to cause problems for me? No, he just looked curious. More clever lies! "There have been some documented cases of it" Like McDonald's commercials. A ripple went through the crowd, they didn't seemed scared maybe just...... Nervous? Yeah nervous. The small unicorn that said hello raised her hoof, smiling I pointed to her "What's your question Miss?" She giggled slightly at the 'Miss' part "What's your Cutie Mark?" I blanked; What the blue fuck is a Cutie Mark? I turned to Celestia for some help "A Cutie Mark is a special mark that tells ponies what their special skill is, like mine which is the sun for raising the sun" She said gently. "I just thought those were tattoos" I mumbled filing this information away for future questioning I turned back to the crowd "Umm well I don't have one." A Shockwave of gasps rolled through the crowd, as I got looks filled with strangely enough pity. The little white unicorn spoke up "But how do you know what your special skill is?" She asks with big puppy dog eyes 'HNNNNNNGGG' "Humans just tend to do what they like or what they're good at, if they're lucky" "Oh, that's weird" "It's normal where I'm from" I was about to answer another question when Celestia interrupted me "Don't worry my little ponies there will be plenty of time to ask him questions later, but for now I think he could use some rest" Sensing Celestia regaining control of the crowd I waved to the ponies while walking behind the curtain. I was surprised at the amount of hoof stomping I got. I collapsed into a chair as soon as I was backstage. Twilight walked- or is it trotted?- up to me "See that wasn't so bad" She said with a smile "For you maybe! I just met an entire towns worth of people in like a half hour, and I'm completely alien to them. Did you hear some of those questions?" Twilight frowned "The questions they asked might have been common knowledge for you, but for us ponies you're something new to be investigated and documented." There was a fire burning in her eye's and nervousness in mine "Could you not talk about me like I'm a science experiment?" "Oh sorry it's just.... There's some much to learn! A new species with a new culture and new technology!" Her eye's lit up again "You really dig science-y stuff don't you?" She looked confused "What's not to like?" "Math, big words, genetic manipulation that splice gives scorpions wings." "Flying scorpions?" "Where!?" I joked, while she just looked at me like I was an idiot. A fanfare of stomping was heard and Celestia and Luna walked backstage. "Well I'd say that went well, would you?" Celestia asked me "Better than I thought it would, I figured that I'd be chased back into the forest" Luna looked slightly offended by that statement "Why would though be chased into the forest?" "It's what humans would've done" and then we would have bombed the forest and then quarantined the forest to try to figure out what exactly it was that we had bombed. "That doesn't sound very friendly" Yeah as a whole I was describe the human race as not friendly "It's not, but I digest-"Twilight interrupted me "Digress" "Bless you, so now what?" Twilight was looking at me like she couldn't decide to be confused or annoyed. Celestia smirked "Now it is time to, as Pinkie says" A blur of Pink shot out of a paint can "PARRTTY!" I fell back in my chair and scooted back into the wall "How the hell did she fit in there!?"
The Man and the partyI was walking across the town with the ponies. Huh never thought I'd say that..... Well at least not when I'm sober. I had put as many ponies in between me and Pinkie after she had bluntly broke the laws of physics, it didn't help that she was bouncing instead of walking. Unfortunately the space between us hadn't affected her ability to question me "So Alex do you like parties?" "Some" I mumbled, I really didn't want to go to this party. It seemed too much like the ponies were celebrating the fact that I had been trapped here, even though I knew they were celebrating the defeat of Nightmare. Oh and did I mention Princess Luna was the Nightmare? No? Well she was, I found out when she apologized for zapping me with magic........... Apparently they have that here.......... No really. They even showed me when they lifted me up with it. It was weird as shit So anyway she apologized I said 'Blah blah blah whatever blah blah I totally hit you in the face with a crowbar blah blah' and were cool now which seemed to surprise her, but as previously mentioned whatever. "What's your favorite kind of cupcake?" It's been like this since we left the town hall, and didn't she already ask me about cake? "Uhhh Pineapple upside down cake" Pineapples are the bomb yo. "Yeah those are pretty good but I think chocolate is better." I snorted "Right, sure" her eye narrowed "Are you saying that chocolate isn't the best cake?">Implying "No, I would never say that" You could cut the sarcasm with a knife, seriously if she didn't get it than she- "Okie dokie lokie" She hopped ahead of us towards a large tree leaving a gaping me, a confused unicorn and two giggling princesses "Ho- bu- I was being sarcastic!" She didn't hear me "I'm afraid my little ponies aren't quite as versed in sarcasm as you appear to be." I frowned at Celestia "That's the only language I speak!" She giggled while Twilight looked confused "I thought you spoke Equestrian" "No I speak English! So do you, in fact until further notice everyone here speaks English because if I hear one more pony pun I'm moving back into the forest!" Twilight frowned " You mean everypony" "Right which way to the forest?" I said while walking away from the group "Wait! Come back!" Twilight freaked out like I really was going to go back to the forest "I was being sarcastic, again" "Oh" I shook my head smiling lightly "So Princess what now?" "Well I think we shall head over for the festivities before showing your new home" "New home....?" I mumbled "Did we not tell you? I had thought I had mentioned you living here" "But a house? You don't even know me! I could be a killer for all you know and you just offer me a house?!" This must be a joke no one just gives away a house "We feel that you can be trusted, and if not well we shall deal with it " The sun seemed to dim for a moment and Celestia eye's took on a sinister appearance and then it was gone just as quickly as it came. Creepy "Beside it's the least we can do for someone that had been stranded on a planet they don't recognize, anypony would do it." I don't know about that, I mean not to insult humans but we were kinda what's the word? Xenophobic? I think that's it. "It's just weird, you ponies seem pretty care free, I mean if an alien showed up on earth some of us would try and kill it, some of us would negotiate with it, and some of us just wouldn't care. Or maybe we would just dissected it." Guess it depends on who gotten their hands on the alien first. "Why would they dissect a being they know nothing about?" I shrugged "To learn about, learn what it's weak too, see if it's anything special really, but then again I could be wrong about the whole dissecting thing, humans have never met another sentient species" "Until you" I nodded "Until me" then it hit me; I was representing the human race, and so far I hadn't shown their royalty any respect and had been sarcastic to their subjects and hit a Princess in the FACE....... I might be the worst ambassador in the history of forever. Then again I was probably doing better most people would have if they had met talking ponies. And I'm hungry what do ponies even eat? Grass and stuff right? Pinkie had mentioned cake..... Pretty sure that's not a part of a balanced pony meal. "I'm sorry but what do ponies even eat?" Twilight spoke up "Oh we eat all kinds of things like fruits, flowers, vegetables, hay, candy, and lots of other stuff. What do humans eat?" "Vegetables, fruits, candy, meat, soda, and just about anything unhealthy" I hope that by hiding meat in the middle she would overlook it "You eat meat?" or not apparently, oh well in for a penny... "Yeah it is an everyday thing for humans." Celestia frowned "I thought you said that humans rarely ate meat." I smirked "No I said 'There have been documented cases' if that's the way you took it then" I shrugged while Celestia scowled "I would prefer if you do not withhold information from us in the future." "I technically didn't lie, I simply didn't want to cause the town to freak out about an omnivore living here" I may not know much about ponies but I knew that they didn't eat meat. "So why didn't you tell us?" Twilight looked quite confused "Say you wake up one day in a village of talking flowers, do you really want to tell them that you eat flowers and have them think you're a monster?" "No" She looked disturbed by the notion. "Yeah well I don't want ponies thinking I'm a monster, oh and I don't plan on eating any ponies. Too stringy" I smirked while paled. How the fuck does that work? She's covered in fur! "Being sarcastic again not going to eat you" I groaned, "Oh I knew that" Yeah sure you did "I believe we're here" I looked up at a massive tree with a door in the side. A steady stream of music could be heard coming out of several windows "Somebody lives here?" Twilight nodded "Somepony, and that somepony is me" "You live in a tree?" "Yep" "And that's normal here?" "Uh-huh" I will never get used to this place. Twilight lead me inside XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Let me start off by saying; Pony Parties are weird, really fucking weird. It all started off cool enough I was raiding the snack bar and being introduced to ponies via Pinkie. So anyway half-way through the party Pinkie decides I should play pin the tail on the pony, yeah I know pony puns, after several half-baked excuses I was blindfolded and spun around several times thanks to Rainbow Dash. I move forward listening to the instructions being yelled at me from Pinkie until I finally planted the tail on the wall, I missed horribly. Many hours later the party was still going in full swing several of the ponies had apparently eaten salt, which confused the fuck out of me at first until Celestia explained that salt was like booze. Except it only worked on ponies. Anyway one drunken Rainbow Dash seemed to think it would be a great idea to salt the punch. Pure fucking chaos, seriously have you ever seen a drunken unicorn attempt to juggle books? It's both hilarious and horrifying mostly because I had to dodge several books, and a drunken Pinkie that had jumped into the mix. About this time Celestia figured it would probably be a good time to get me to my new home since she figured that this party was about to take a nose dive to debauchery. I didn't complain, there were already several passed out ponies draped over furniture and some of which were covered in vomit. Anyway they were leading me to my house "So Alex what do you think about our kingdom?" Celestia asked "Seems nice, kinda eighteen hundreds but nice." She smiled "I am glad you think so" The rest of the trip went in silence. They lead me out of the middle of town and closer to the outskirts similar to suburbs. They stopped in front of a two story house with a white picket fence surrounding a large front yard. The yard was overgrown and vines were slowly creeping up the side of the chimney. Luna smiled "What does tho think?" "You are just giving me this?" My mouth was hanging open. I was used to living in an apartment! This place was huge! "Yes, we hope you find this to your liking." "It's freaking AWESOME!" I shouted. They smiled genuinely pleased "We are glad you like it, now go get some rest" Celestia said pushing towards the door "We need to go ensure our subjects don't hurt themselves." The began to walk back towards the giant tree. I shook my head smiling as I went inside.
Wake-up in the morningI woke up by myself, It was surprisingly nice just to lie in bed for a while doing nothing. At least that's what I did until I heard someo-no wait somepony knocking on the door. I sighed and slid out of bed, I looked at my dirty clothes and realized that they were the only clothes that I had. I guess I could toga it but...... Ah fuck it I'd rather wear dirty clothes that a toga. I went downstairs trying not to get angry with the increasing knocking at my door. I opened it "Yes?" I said in a crisp tone "Alex!" Pinkie seemed no only way to chipper than anyone had any right to be but also a complete contrast to the grumpy looking unicorn next to her. "Pinkie, Twilight what brings you to my humble abode." And why does Twilight look like she was hit by a large city bus? "I'm here to give you and Twilight the tour of Ponyville!" Pinkie happy nature seemed to be unfazed by Twilight's dour mood. "Yes, well I afraid..." Come on brain think of a clever lie " That I must ......" I hadn't even had my morning coffee yet how could I expect to think of a believable lie? Then a thought hit me, why lie when I could tell the truth? "Sorry Pinkie but I haven't had breakfast yet, maybe later?" She just kept smiling before wrapping for foreleg around my waist and pulling me out of the house while somehow shutting my door. "That's alright silly we'll get some breakfast at Sugarcube corner." With my only excuse gone and my mind struggling to grasp what a 'Sugarcube Corner' was I was easily herded onto the street along with a grumpy looking unicorn. "Hey ya Twilight why do you look like death warmed over?" She muttered darkly and ignored me "Oh she just a little bit of a grumpy Gus because she drank too much and has a headache" Pinkie volunteered, so she was hungover got it....excepted didn't Pinkie drink last night too? "So if she's hungover why aren't you?" Pinkie paused and scratched her head with her foreleg which looked like an affront to gravity itself before saying "What's a hangover?" I blinked "You've never had a hangover?" she smiled and started walking done the street, me and Twilight in tow "Nopey dopey!" I frowned confused, she had definitely had enough booze, or salt I guess to leave her hungover..... unless ponies can handle their liquor and recreational drugs a helluva lot better than humans. And another why was Twilight on this tour she definetly had no interest in being here "So why is Twilight here again?" "Pinkie wouldn't let me 'Waste such a fantastic day' sleeping in" Now I'm no expert on glares but Twilight's glare o'death was seriously impressive being beaten only by my mothers patented 'I'm using your full name now, fear for your very being' glare. "Yeah but why are you on the tour?" "I just moved here" I was surprised "Really? You get along with your other friends so well I would have guess that you had known them for years." She smiled slightly "Nope, just met them a few days ago but.... you ever met someone and felt like you've known them forever?" I nodded me and my buddy Ray were like that, we had met at some bar. I forget the exact reasoning behind it but we were both trying to impress this girl by how many shots we could do. By shot seven the girl had left and we were laughing like idiots. I miss Ray "Yeah I know the feeling." I said somberly, She nodded "It's like that" Made sense I suppose friends were weird like that "Come-on you silly fillies we still have a whole town to explore!" Pinkie exclaimed while attempting to climb my back "Firstly; I'm not Mount Everest so why do you insist on always trying to climb me? Secondly; I'm not a filly I'm not even a pony I am a male human." I deadpanned, Pinkie continued to climb up on to my shoulders "But it's fun to climb things! And it's easier to rhyme with filly than male human!" I tried to shrug but the action was impaired by the pink pony. Pinkie began to list of names of ponies I half-remembered and their occupation while pointing at the house they lived in. Twilight seemed to be paying some attention while I was trying to figure out if the ponies had electricity or not. It sounded like a simple yes or no question right? I wish, the ponies had the weirdest gaps in technology that I had seen, they had refrigerators but no obvious power plugs for them, I had seen DJ equipment last night but no TV's it was just weird. Plus I was kinda hoping that if they had electricity I could figure out how to charge my phone. I missed human music already, and why is Pinkie so light? I thought ponies were supposed to be heavy. "And Lyra and Bon Bon live over there" She jerked slight in one direction while pointing at a two-story house. "Lyra play music and Bon Bon makes candy!" at least I tuned in for the important part; Food. And then I noticed something " You know for a alien carrying a pony on his shoulders we sure aren't getting as many stares as I thought we would" I commented "Oh course not silly Princess Celestia said you're nice" "So just because Celestia said I'm Nice I can do weird stuff and nobody blinks an eye?" Twilight intervened "Princess Celestia mentioned that you are likely to have unusually habits and hobbies that may seem strange but that we should respect." "That was nice of her." I wonder what that will let me get away with, It's basically diplomatic immunity. Pinkie let out a loud gasp "Quickly my steed this way!" She said while jerking me towards a large gingerbread looking building. "Ack! Stop! Hair is not a lead!"
