Of Horns and Hammers

by Legoguy808

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Derpy Hooves, Human, Twilight Sparkle, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1569

Anthony gets a magical watch that grants him three wishes. What will he use them on?

After his friend's death, Anthony gets a magical wristwatch that grants three wishes.

Thanks to Regidar for editing and letting me reference a couple of his stories!

Cover page edited off of http://images.wikia.com/mlp/images/a/a2/S1E03_Lyra_Heartstrings_red_box_error.gif

Published 2012-12-21 07:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-21 07:00:01 UTC

Poison Paint and Delightful Death

Of Horns And Hammers

Anthony was a boring and useless individual who lived a boring and useless life. He spent most of his time doing school work and watching My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Anthony was not very good at anything he did, or ever tired to do, and usually quit after a couple of minutes. School was probably Anthony’s favorite place because he was away from his angry and mean family (who weren’t really angry or mean, he was just an angsty teenager that way.) Other than school, Anthony spent most of his time alone reading fanfictions and doing homework.

One warm evening in December, Anthony was reading a strange fanfiction by his friend from school.

“Hmm... This story’s good! Too bad Elijah never updates it,” Anthony said sadly “The next chapter was going to be about Applejack.” He finished reading the story, and went on to reading every story on his read later list.

It was two in the morning when Anthony looked out his window. It was an ordinary night; nothing exceptional was happening. There were dogs barking, cars driving by, and drunk homeless men were trying to break into the liquor store.
Anthony looked at the ground below his window. “Hmm, that cat has really bad diarrhea,” he mused thoughtfully and closed the window. The plump pedestrian looked out the window on the other side of his room and saw the same. Anthony looked at the plentiful orgy of stars in the sky and stared at a splendid shooting star shimmering through the sumptuous sky. “I wish life was better, and cooler... twenty percent cooler!” The stupid teenager chortled at his referenced as he went to sleep.
A week after seeing the shooting star, Anthony went to visit his friend Elijah. On his walk to the small and crappy apartment that his friend happened to be living in, Anthony saw the renowned actor Nicolas Cage peeing on a small yellow dog thing. Anthony ignored the actor and continued on his journey.

When Anthony arrived at his friend’s small and smelly dumpster of an apartment, he found his friend buried in a bowl of rat poison and white paint. “You idiot,” Anthony said to the body, as a rat as big as a potato emerged and tasted the cocktail of paint and poison. Anthony silently watched as the rat wheezed and died.

“Poor rat,” Anthony said picking up the rat and burying it in a pile of dirt and earthworms that had collected next to the surprisingly clean king size bed. Anthony sat on the bed learning that the bed was not clean but had a thin layer of dried semen covering every inch of the bed’s squishy and brown exterior.

“ADRIAN ROMERO,” A voice cried as a strange green gas filled the room. The gas formed into a grey figure with a large pair of hedge clippers.

“Sorry, I’m Anthony Romero,” Anthony said calmly to the black and grey body floating in front of him, whilst mentally shitting himself.

“Fuck,” said the ghoul quietly forming back into his gaseous state and disappearing with a wet flump.

Anthony walked back to the slowly rotting corpse in a puddle of milk and poison, “Well, guess I gotta bury this one too.” He said this as if it was a regular occurrence. As Anthony dragged the body out the window the green gas started filling the room again. The gas floated through the horrible excuse of an apartment and into the body of Elijah. Elijah's body floated into the air, eyes glowing as if someone had shoved a lightbulb into his ear, and slammed it into the ceiling fan.

“ANTHONY ROMERO,” the grey ghoul he had seen earlier yelled.

“Now you’ve got the right person,” Anthony said in a condescending voice.

“I AM ON A MISSION!” The ghoul chanted.

“A mission from whom?" Anthony asked, intrigued.

“A MISSION FROM MYSELF!” the ghoul said in his booming voice.

“To?”

“CREATE WORLD PEACE!”

“Why am I involved?”

“I AM GOING ALPHABETICALLY!”

“For the whole world?”

“ALL SEVEN BILLION OF THEM!”

“Why?”

“BECAUSE IT WILL BE FUN!”

“Oh, so what do you do?”

“I WILL GRANT YOU THREE WISHES!”

“That seems kinda cliché. Also, how will that grant world peace?”

“WELL... UHH... fuck.”

There was an awkward silence, followed by Anthony asking the ghost who he was.

“I AM DEATH!” the ghoul shouted “I AM EVERYWHERE AND NOWHERE! I AM ALWAYS AND NEVER!”

“Oh... cool,” Anthony said sheepishly “So I’ll take your wishes if you do one thing.”

“And that is?” Death said hoping it would not be something stupid.

“If you see Elijah, make him guard some stupid people for a couple weeks and then send him to some sort of ‘super hell’ for failing,” Anthony said fiendishly

Death liked this idea and wrote it down on a small yellow pad of paper. “I WILL GET MY BUDDY POODERCUS THE DEMONIC DEMON TO DO IT FOR ME!”

Death then conjured a watch made of solid hydrogen, which had three buttons on its side.

“What's this?” Anthony asked, holding the very cold and shiny watch.

“A WATCH. IT TELLS THE TIME.” Anthony looked at the time device, disappointed. “IT ALSO GRANTS YOU THREE WISHES, BUT HEY! Who needs that when you can TELL THE TIME?”

Anthony was unamused. “WELL, I THOUGHT IT WAS COOL,” the demon gripped. “ANYWAY, PUSH THIS BUTTON FURTHEST FROM YOU FOR A WISH. IT WILL DISAPPEAR AFTER THREE USES,” the devil said pointing at the first button “PUSH THIS ONE TO TALK TO ME, IN CASE YOU EVER WANT TO HAVE A LITTLE CHAT ABOUT YOUR LIFE OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT,” he said pointed at the middle one. “AND THIS ONE IF YOU NEED A COOKIE,” he said pointing at the one closest to Anthony.

“Why would I need a cookie?” Anthony said holding the watch.

“EVERYONE LIKES COOKIES!” the devil said with an evil grin and started mashing the third button which immediately started spewing disgusting oatmeal and raisin cookies. “ANYWAY! I HAVE TO LEAVE, GOODBYE AND I’LL GO MESS WITH YOUR FRIEND!” Death said as he departed the body. Anthony watched as the green gas flowed out of his friends body leaving the husk floating in the air. Anthony watched the body float for a couple minutes waiting for it to fall.

“Are you still here kid” the body said in a voice Anthony had heard but never paid attention to.

“Kurt Cobain?” Anthony said

“You’re a smart one,” Kurt said.

“My friend LOVED your music.”

“He has good taste.”

"No, by loved I mean he would have sex with your music if he could."

Kurt winced. "That's a bit creepy."

“Can you play ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ please?”

“NOPE!” Kurt pulled out a shotgun and shot himself so hard that Elijah's body flew out a window into a barrel of medical waste. After watching his friend's body fly out the window, Anthony realized he would have some sort of post traumatic stress disorder thing and decided he would have a fear of ghosts forever. Anthony ignored this and chose that he’d had enough exposure with the outdoors life and left to go home.

A few hours after Anthony went home and had dinner, he realized he could do anything.

“Anything!” Anthony said to a fly crawling up the wall, where it promptly died from the boy’s vicious halitosis.
Anthony pushed the first button. The green gas flowed into the room and settled into the corner of the room.

“WHAT SHALL BE YOUR FIRST WISH?” Death asked from his corner. Anthony thought for a while.

A long while.

“Are you still there?” Death raised a decaying eyebrow. He had since stopped talking in capslock. “It’s been ten minutes!”

“Oh shit! Uhh... I... uhh... I WANT TO LIVE IN EQUESTRIA AS A PONY!” Anthony yelled happily.

“Are you kidding me?” Death said angrily. “Do you have anything less cliché?” Anthony chuckled at this lampshading.

“Okay... uhh... I want to be a purple pony!” Anthony said with a huge grin.

Death facepalmed “Fine, this might hurt.”

“Wait, wha-” Anthony tried to say before he was ripped into the fabric of time and space.

Time and space was a strange place to Anthony. The fabric of time and space didn't look like what anyone expected. It looked more like a college dormitory filled with clocks and newspapers. The whole expanse had a faint smell of motor oil and semen. Anthony was only able to see this room for a few milliseconds before he was painfully ripped back into some version of reality.

Anthony awoke in a soft and comfortable bed, he grumbled and tried to rub his face with his hand, only achieving to give himself a black eye and a bloody nose. Anthony swore loudly and tried to find out why he had hooves, slowly piecing together his memories.

“Are you okay?” said a boyish voice from the closed door.

“Who's there?” Anthony said nervously.

The door shuddered as something walked directly into it. It then opened, and through it walked a grey coated, blonde maned pegasus.

“H-hi, I’m Derpy Hooves,” the pegasus said cheerfully. “I brought you some muff-”

Anthony squealed in delight and fainted dramatically, falling from the bed and clonking his head against a bedpan which hadn’t been emptied yet, worsening his concussion. Amongst "other" things.