One Thousand Years Ago

by Opticlaudimix

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 9563

Alcohol makes the world a silly and fun place to live in, especially when two young alicorn princesses decide to go save the world from completely harmless forces.

Alcohol makes the world a silly and fun place to live in, especially when two young alicorn princesses decide to go save the world from completely harmless forces.

Published 2012-12-18 07:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-27 03:48:23 UTC

Prologue

Celestia threw a banana peel across the study room, landing with a resounding thwack as it skidded across the floor, halting right next to the door. She was spending this lovely evening telling her sister stories of some of her ingenious plots to teach Twilight the magic of friendship.

"So then I decided, what would happen if I were to send Twilight only two tickets rather than six? Well, what occurred next was absolutely hysterical!"

"Wait a minute dear sister, why didn't she just ask for more tickets? She knows that you have met the other elements already," Luna interjected. She took a sip from her glass of moonshine.

Celestia shrugged, "I don't really know, and even if she did ask for more I would have just told her that the gala was already filled up." Celestia grinned.

"Awww, that's just mean." Luna sneered.

"Well, it got half the town to start a riot just so that Twilight could bring one of them along to the gala." Celestia started to unpeel another banana.

"Bwahaha! Tia, how in Equestria did THAT happen?" She slapped the ground repeatedly in a fit of laughter.

"Apparently, Pinkie Pie gathered those particular ponies so they could help her sing a song to Twilight. They didn't even know what the song was for until Twilight started to shout about how she didn't want any more favors to get the ticket."

Luna laughed uproariously, finishing her glass of moonshine and slamming it on the floor with a loud clink.

"Careful there Lulu, I know it's a nice weekend evening, but remember that we promised to each other never to get drunk again after you came back from banishment. Besides, it's not really a good idea to drink right after you just got up…"

"Ugh, Yeah, we…I remember about that, don't worry, that's going to be my last drink, well, for today at least." Luna slightly slurred.

"Son of a retarded camel…" Celestia facehoofed. "Luna, that really better be your last drink for today, I really don't want to have to send you to the moon for being intoxicated. It sucked not having you around when I had to re-stabilize Equestria all by myself back then."

"Well, we were both drunk back then, at least you're sober right neigh…now," she replied.

"Yes, heaven forbid that you turn into Nightmare Moon again thinking that nopony liked you while messing up the time frame for day and night, with me thinking that a thousand years would be a reasonably short time for you to wait on the moon until we were both sober."

It was stuff like this that made Celestia wish that she could just alter the rules of magic with her alicorn powers, but reality just HAD to slap her in the face when she found out that the moon spell had a set timer and could not be undone until the set timer ran out.

Plus, the hangover made that particular morning even worse.

"It is still quite amusing to look back upon, besides, I'm not drunk yet," Luna replied.

"You better stay that way Lulu, but yeah, I guess it was pretty funny." Celestia chuckled.

A voice emanated from the door. "What was pretty fu-ACK!"

THUD

The two sisters turned to the doorway to see Cadence with her face on the floor and a banana peel under her hoof.

Celestia quickly tried to handle the intrusion. "Oh dear! Cadence, what are you doing here? Are you ok? My apologies about the banana peel, trash is supposed to be in the trashcan in the corner over there. How did it end up there...?"

Luna quickly moved all the alcohol and bananas into some cabinets while Cadence was still getting up.

"Maid! Can you clean up the trash bin in the study please?" Celestia called out.

Luna quickly trotted over and helped Cadence get back on her hooves while Celestia manifested a stack of papers to float beside herself in order to look busy.

"Art thou alright dearest Cadenza?" asked Luna. She shot Celestia a dirty look.

Cadence groaned, holding a hoof to her head. "I should be fine, ugh, I should probably sit down for a bit," she replied.

"Over here, you can come sit with us on these cushions," Celestia offered.

After getting Cadence another seat and making sure she was comfortable, Celesita immediately started up a normal conversation to avoid the topic Cadence had just walked into.

"So Cadence, what brings you here to Canterlot?" Celestia inquired.

"Uh, well I'm not here on any royal duties or formalities, I just wanted to stop by here on the way to Ponyville when Shining Armor said he wanted to see Twilight more often after our marriage." Cadence smiled.

"But what of your crystal empire? Is it really a good idea to leave it when you have established your authority so recently?" asked Luna.

"Oh it's quite alright, I have already appointed many other supervisors and established a solid government, my leave for one day should not cause any harm."

Celestia nodded. "I see, so what do you wish to do then until I have to return to my work? My sister and I were-"

"Drinking? I can smell the moonshine still lingering in the air you know." Cadence grinned.

"Uhh, well about that…" Luna started.

"Anyways, what were you two talking about? I don't see how banishing Luna is such a lighthearted matter." Cadence raised an eye.

The two sisters stared blankly ahead for a bit until Celestia leaned over and whispered something into Luna's ear. Luna nodded a few times before whispering back to Celestia, who was smiling awkwardly at Cadence.

The sisters returned back to their former spots before clearing their throats and nervously laughing.

"So, uh...you see..." Luna began.

"Cadence, we're going to tell you some funny stories about the past, but you have to promise us that you will not tell anypony else, okay? Celestia stuck out her fore hoof. Luna rubbed a hoof behind her head while smiling sheepishly.

Cadence shook the hoof gingerly. "Uhh, sure I guess? What exactly do these stories entail?" Cadence nervously moved around in her seat.

This time Luna spoke up. "They entail the true history of the founding of Equestria, because if we were to tell anypony else these stories then it is more than likely that our subjects would not want us to lead them. The truth is rather...absurd, for lack of a better word." Luna chuckled.

Cadence wasn't exactly sure what to expect.

FOR EQUESTRIA

"So Tia, where are these...these emergency reset keys?"

"Huh? Don't you remember? They were...in his castle, I think"

"He has a castle? I thought he would, be...be too random for that." Luna burped loudly.

"Don't worry, he said if we think about being there, we would...be there, or something." Celestia wobbled around for a while before blundering into a nearby tree.

"Okayyyy, I think I'm in the castle."

"No, you have to like, pretend you're there...use *burp*, imagination."

"So...like this?"

Luna suddenly disappeared in a bright white flash.

"Yeah, like that...here, Imma do that now.”

After standing still for about a minute, Celestia realized that she was thinking about pink pandas boxing in a soccer field.

Oh wait, I need to think about...castles.

She disappeared soon after that thought.

Somewhere in the sky, a mare and her smiling filly holding a flat balloon were riding a massive pink blimp.

Celestia found herself in the middle of a giant throne room, twilight pouring in through oddly shaped windows. She looked around for a bit with one eye half closed before she noticed Luna walking in circles around the throne.

"Hey Lulu!" shouted Celestia. Her slurred voice made a very strange echo across the hall.

"What? What...What is it?"

"The reset keys should be, should be...uh, under the throne."

"Okay." Luna tapped the throne slightly with her fore hoof, aside from the slight tap noise, nothing happened. "Uh...I can't move it. It must be enchanted or...something." She tapped the throne again to prove her point.

"Try again," suggested Celestia.

"Explosions? What?" Luna raised an eyebrow in confusion.

"Yeah, try again...it might work, if you do it right."

"Okay then, stand closer...we don't want to get hurt." Luna drunkenly motioned to Celestia to get closer.

After the two of them were within hoof's reach of the throne, Luna concentrated in her drunken state, straining her mind to focus on a single point with an idea that she couldn't seem to recall clearly. After a strange metallic noise, she slowly opened her eyes.

The throne seemed to have been impaled by dozens of swords, cracks started to spread along the surface of the throne.

"Try again." One of Celestia eyes started to twitch.

Luna reached forward and lightly tapped the throne once more. This time, the throne crumbled into pieces, revealing a glass pane in the ground with six stones underneath, each stone having a different colored jewel inside it. The two of them stared at their achievement for a while until Celestia levitated the reset keys straight out of the hidden box, breaking the glass haphazardly.

Celestia glanced at each stone before she asked, "Do you remember how we use these?"

"We should just channel magic into them, see what happens. We need to...bring, uh, order to Equestria, remember?"

Celestia nodded, she then tilted her head down and shot out six beams of magical energy into each hovering stone, thinking about ending all of the chaos around them. Luna soon followed up with her own magic, causing the six stones to circle around them, leaving a rainbow trail in their path. They started out slowly, but as their thoughts and magic charged the stones with more and more energy, they stones started glowing brighter, moving faster and hovering in the air higher. Soon, the two sisters slowly rose off the floor, their eyes glowing bright white.

Then the stones shattered, leaving behind the beautiful jewels that started to form the shapes of the sun and moon. A rainbow beam shot straight up into the twilight sky, eventually splitting into six beams that spread outward, creating a dome around all of Equestria. The beams quickly began to move clockwise against the dome's reflective surface, moving so fast that a bright light soon enveloped all of Equestria.

In the aftermath of the explosion of harmony and rainbows, Celestia and Luna stood up, seemingly filled with energy. They were radiating rainbows, reflecting light off every possible surface in the throne room, giving the room an ethereal look.

Except for the fact that the two of them were still drunk off their flanks.

"WoOOoo, order...we did it Lulu." Celestia started to wave her front hoof around, watching light reflect off it.

"Order looks, really...really..." Luna searched for the right word. "Weird."

Celestia wobbled over to a nearby window, looking outside, everything seemed to be stable, with nothing randomly changing or bouncing around. Trees were trees, plains were plains, and rain seemed to always go down.

Everypony outside didn't seem to mind this at all, to them it was probably just more random change that happens occasionally.

Except for a certain brown alicorn who was running about, screaming in fear.

A bright white flash in the throne room followed soon afterwards.

"Celestia, Luna, did you two use the reset keys? What's wrong? What's the emergency?!" Discord panted in a panicked state.

The two sisters turned towards Discord, their faces looked stern yet still goofy because of the red blush.

"DISCORD! YOUR REIGN OF CHAOS AND TERROR ENDS NOW, WE CANNOT LET THE PONIES CONTINUE TO...SUFFER." Celestia bellowed.

"We're, not gunna let you...uh, harm Nyx. Wait...what?" Luna's words were barely comprehensible.

After a brief staring contest, Discord easily pieced together what must have happened.

"Oh for the love of the Cosmic Matriarch, seriously? How does getting drunk lead to this?" Discord facehoofed.

"Just because we're drunk doesn't, mean, that...that we can't stop you!" Celestia started to drool a bit.

"What you're doing makes no sense...Discord! It's like taking...a...a musician, and making her study, I dunno, anthropology!" Luna wondered where she got that one from.

"Okay, you know what? That's it. Party's over. I'm going to send you two back home while I go fix everything." Discord's horn started glowing.

There was a bright flash of light, but Celestia and Luna didn't disappear, they instead found themselves inside a magical bubble that resembled the sun.

"You've got to be kidding me," groaned Discord.

Celestia bent her legs in what resembled a drunken battle stance. "Luna! While I keep this...something...up, you go and counterattack. With...something."

"Uh...okay." Luna's horn began to glow, suddenly, the entire room became pitch black, with the only light being inside Celestia's protective bubble.

Celestia looked around, observing the total darkness with a look of confusion. "Lulu, what did...what did that do?"

Discord suddenly started screaming in agony.

"I think...I took away all the light, and then transformed him into...something. I don't remember," replied Luna.

"So...can you let the light in now?"

"Surrre."

As their vision returned, the two sisters witnessed a strange creature flail wildly on the floor, clutching its chest with a paw and resting a talon on a nearby wall. It appeared to have trouble breathing.

"AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGHHHHHH"

Celestia looked at the strange creature with disgust. "Eww...I don't like this...whatever it is."

Celestia lowered her head and channeled a massive beam of light through her horn, petrifying the beast in its painful state.

Luna blinked one eye before turning to her sister. "Wait...Tia, what did...what did you just...do?"

"I did a petrification imprisonment spell...I think. I can't remember how long...how long I set it for...uhhhh."

Having her energy drained from casting such a spell, Celestia collapsed from exhaustion. She was still drooling, leaving a massive puddle that started to soak her pink mane.

"Hey Tia...you okay?"

Celestia started to snore obnoxiously loud.

Luna stared at her sister for a bit until she decided that she should get some sleep.

Except, it wasn't dark enough, she decided to raise the moon to fix the problem, causing the room to be pitch black aside from the windows.

She stumbled over to where the throne used to be before curling up on some soft red cushions left in the rubble, drifting off to a deep sleep.

What Just Happened?

Luna opened her bloodshot eyes and looked up at the spinning ceiling. She slowly lifted her head, groaning in pain from her throbbing headache. She scanned the dimly lit room trying to figure out where she was. Her eyes followed a stained red carpet, darted between broken pieces of glass, then settled onto a destroyed and royal looking chair. It took a few moments for the details to register but she eventually figured out that she was in the throne room. Putting a hoof to her forehead, she slowly got up, wincing as the headache intensified. In her drunken stupor, she cautiously took a step forward in the darkness only to lose her footing and fall down the stairs leading up to the throne.

She started to roll around on the floor in pain, screaming in agony. "AGGHHHH! MY HEAD! WHAT THE HAY?!"

Luna continued rolling around for a while until she decided to encase her forehead in a block of ice. After the pain began to facilitate, she steadily rose in an effort to avoid any more headaches. With a clearer mind, Luna began to see the reality of the situation. Was there an accident? Was the throne room attacked? Is Celestia alright?! What happened? Horrific speculations flooded her head as she began to hyperventilate. She lit up her horn and illuminated the room, the light distorted from the ice. Eyes closed, Luna began to focus her thoughts as she casted a memory spell, trying to recall what happened last night.

Some blurry images started to form in her head but they quickly became more vivid. There was a flying dolphin, it was her birthday, she and Celestia went drinking... Her eyes opened as her mind clicked at the last memory. Luna had heard about crazy things happening when a pony drank too much alcohol. They would become "drunk" and stumble around acting like complete buffoons.

Suddenly, her head started throbbing again as the ice made her forehead too cold. She groaned in pain as she began stumbling towards the door. She needed to find Celestia to see if she knew of a remedy for this strange headache. As she neared the giant double doors at the end of the throne room a groan emanated from the corner.

What the... is that Celestia?

Luna wobbled towards the source of groaning before she stepped into some strange slimy substance. She looked around and found Celestia collapsed on the floor, clutching her stomach.

"Don't come any closer...I'm pretty sure there's more than just puke over here," Celestia moaned.

Luna drew back in disgust. "Aww! That's just revolting!"

"Yeah, but it's better than dying of alcohol poisoning." Celestia slowly began to get up on wobbly legs.

"Wait...alcohol poisons you?"

"Well, it gets into your bloodstream and makes you drunk, so if you wanna view it from a biological standpoint then yes, yes it does poison you."

"Look, do you know a way to get rid of these headaches?" The shimmering blue light dimmed a little as Luna winced from her hangover.

Celestia tapped her chin. "Uh, there's a ton of remedies I hear about on how to cure a hangover, but I deal with them just by getting breakfast and sitting down for a while. Oh and drink some water, ponies tend to get dehydrated while drunk."

Luna melted the ice on her forehead and began to drink the water that was dripping down her face. "Woah. Never realized how thirsty I was..."

"By the way, do you mind lowering the moon so I can put up the sun? I can't see a thing in here."

"Yeah, sure."

The moon suddenly dropped and was instantly replaced by the sun, illuminating a statue made out of all sorts of different creatures lying next to Celestia. The general area was also covered with bile.

Celestia looked around. "Much better...gah! What the hay is up with that freaky statue?"

Luna narrowed her eyes. “I dunno, it does like kind of familiar though...”

Celestia raised an eyebrow. "How in Equestria does this ungodly creation look familiar to you?"

"I dunno, it just does. Then again, maybe Dad was just bored again and started messing around with animals."

Cadence gasped. "Wait. DAD???"

Celestia paused the floating screen. "Oh right, I forgot to mention that earlier. Discord's actually our father."

"Then who's your mother?"

Luna grinned awkwardly. "Uhh, we don't actually know."

"Yeah, Discord had tons of rampant sex all the time, back then it was completely normal," Celestia explained.

Cadence grimaced. "Okay...forget I asked."

"Wait Tia, how do we even know that we're sisters? For all we know we could just be half sisters."

"Eh, close enough. Point is, Discord's actually our dad, and we accidentally overthrew him in a night of drunken stupor," Celestia replied.

Cadence raised an eyebrow. "How in Equestria are you two totally okay with all this? That seems really messed up."

Celestia began to pour Barbeque sauce onto a banana. "Well considering that the two of us have been alive for who knows who long, I'm pretty sure we're the two most tolerant entities in existence after going through so much crap that nothing's weird to us anymore." She took a bite out of her strange snack. "Hmm, could use some cheese..."

Luna poured some glasses of moonshine. "Let's stop delaying the story and continue already. Drinks anypony?"

Celestia looked out one of the nearby windows. "That's weird, where's dad? You'd think that by now we'd start seeing giant teddy bears stampeding or something."

"I’m more concerned about what the hay we even did a few hours ago, I mean, why are we even in Dad's throne room with a giant statue of...whatever the buck that is." Luna lightly tapped the statue, half expecting the thing to come to life.

"Well, we don't really need to know, right?" As Celestia turned around from facing the window, she noticed the throne's sorry state. "Hey, was the throne always like that? With all the swords lying around and everything?"

Luna groaned. "See? This is why we need to know EXACTLY what we did last night. For all we know, we could have just used the reset keys and turned Equestria into who knows what."

The two sisters approached the shattered throne, noting the broken glass case and the reset keys lying around the scene. Celestia's eye's went wide as she realized what must have happened.

"Oh buck. We are in SO much trouble..."

Celestia's horn glowed as she frantically swept through the entire room, revealing what spells have been cast throughout the scene. It was apparent that the keys have been used, resetting all of Discord's magic and turning Equestria into its original stable environment. Celestia continued to sweep through the room, encountering nothing of note until she reached the statue. She paused for a bit when the golden shimmering enveloped the odd statue lying by her body fluids.

Celestia gasped. "Or...maybe we aren't."

Luna eyed her sister with concern. "What do you mean? What's so special about the statue?"

"...It's Dad."

"What the buck do you mean that's dad?!"

Celestia's horn stopped glowing. "While we were drunk one of us transformed him into whatever the hell that thing is, then set a petrification imprisonment spell for one thousand and one years."

Luna began to panic. "Well can't we remove it or something? We can't just leave Dad like this!"

"Well unless you know somepony who's magically stronger than us, he's going to stay like that for a while."

"So what are we going to do until then?" asked Luna.

Celestia gulped. "I don't really know, I guess we're just going to have to make do with what we did..."

"And that's how modern Equestria was made!" Celestia grinned.

"By accidentally overthrowing a communist government that was perfectly fine and usurping leadership while horribly intoxicated!" Luna burped before reaching for more moonshine.

Cadence's facial expression was blank. "So...were the ponies totally okay with this? Or..."

"They all just thought it was another one of Discord's jokes until all the ponies that remembered him died out. From that point on order had become the norm," Celestia explained.

"And gone were the days of blissful ignorance and stupidity," Luna finished.

"But don't you two find it wrong to keep Discord encased in stone then if he wasn't even evil?" asked Cadence.

Celestia finished her glass of moonshine. "Well we understand that, but try telling that to the rest of Equestria, our subjects have become obsessed with schedules and work ethics. Well, most of them anyway, for it seems that the upcoming generation has been slowly changing this with all their technological innovations."

"Yeah, it sort of sucks how the winner's the good guy, because I really do miss some of Discord's crazy antics. But unfortunately, we can't have opposite ideals coexisting without one of them being defined as 'good' and the other 'evil', " Luna added.

"Besides, remember what happened when he got out? His chaos led to fighting. That's the last thing we want in Equestria." Celestia tapped her chin. "If only there was a way to get him to realize that brainwashing ponies is not okay nowadays."

Cadence took a sip from her glass. "So what does all this have to do with Luna becoming Nightmare Moon and getting banished?"

"Well from that point onwards, Luna and I have been having tons more drunk adventures! This was just how it all started," Celestia answered.

Cadence stared ahead blankly, one eye twitching. "...I don't even...you know what? Just pour me another glass Luna."

Author's Note

Thanks to Confusedbrony for editing this detritus :P

Being Somber While Sober

"So I think like a week had passed before our next big misadventure, and during this time we were both getting really depressed and stuff since we had essentially just physically tortured our dad while mentally torturing ourselves," Celestia took a swig from her glass, smacking her lips a bit.

On screen, the sisters were in a bathroom applying dark makeup over themselves, evidently going for a gothic appearance. They had also dyed their manes black to match their new look.

Celestia groaned. "I still wonder what was even going through my head back then."

"I wonder what's even going through your head right now," Cadence interjected."

"Most likely neurons that constitute my current thoughts and mental state," Celestia replied.

Luna poured more moonshine for the group. "Well if you ask me what the hay we were even thinking back then, I'd say that we missed Discord." She unceremoniously belched as she slammed down the bottle. "Like, really badly."

Celestia began talking in monotone. "Ugh, I just imprisoned my dad for a millennium and now I have to take responsibility for the fact that it will never rain chocolate again for a really long time. Life sucks. Nothing matters anymore. Ugh."

"The two of us in a nutshell back then. Heehee..." Luna imbibed more moonshine, starting to become a little tipsy. "So…let's uh, get on with the story now that we've explained the context of what's going on."

After their morning routine of making sure they looked as depressed as possible, the two retreated to Celestia's room, lolling around on whatever they could lazily lean back against. The room was mostly plain white with some orange and yellow furniture laying about that represented the sun, an odd contrast to the moody atmosphere within.

Luna raised her head off the floor. "Hey Tia?"

"Yeah?"

"What are we doing today?"

"I dunno."

"Are we gonna sit around and do nothing again?"

"I guess."

"Alright."

Celestia looked over to her sister. "Did you have something in mind?"

Luna flopped over on the floor. "I was wondering when we were going to confess to everypony what happened to Dad."

Celestia sighed. "How are we even suppose to do that? They're already totally fine with anything, so why would we even want to tell them?"

"Yeah, I guess." Luna turned away from Celestia.

The two sat in silence again, occasionally adjusting their position or sighing in boredom.

"Life stinks without Dad," Celestia mumbled.

"You know, maybe we should actually go outside. Maybe we can find another place to wallow in despair."

Celestia looked around. "Sure. These bright colors everywhere were starting to bother me anyways."

"Why are we even in your room anyways if we're supposed to be brooding?"

"Because until you get rid of all those posters with husky stallions looking extremely erotic, I'm not setting a hoof in there." Celestia got up and slowly lumbered towards the door. "Now come on, let's go out and do something."

The sisters somehow found themselves in a bar and were well on their way to becoming incomprehensibly intoxicated again.

Celestia took a swig from her mug. "Hey Lunaaaa. You know, like… how society is really, r-re… really stupid? Everypony's just so happy and they don't know anything about anything. They just go with the flowwww."

"I know right? Is there any country right right now, like right now, that isn't successful and happy?" Luna asked.

Celestia schrunched up her face. "Uhhhh, maybe the homo sapien's place?

"Yeah, buuuut they're way toooo stupid to even know what stability or sense is." Luna's right eye began twitching as she drank more booze.

Celestia slammed her mug on a counter. "Heyyyyy I knowwww. How come the Crystal Empire never like, made anyyyyy sense? It was always really stable even though they don't have stables. How are they even work? Like, how?"

Luna flopped over on the same counter. "I don't bucking know nothing about anything about them and their crystal dicks or whatever… I don't even bucking… they had order in their society right?

Celestia made a goofy grin. "I'm pretty sure they did… what a bunch of faggots. Heheh, hey how do they even buck? C-can you even call them… uh, faggots?"

"You can call the stallions faggots. Faggot only applies… applies to, guys. Wait, if they have guys and girls I think that means they buck normally… I think. Yeah, I'm pretty sure, yeah." Luna began drooling on the counter, wearing a ridiculous expression.

"That sounds like it would hurt. To buck, I mean. A-A..AAAACHO! Oops, I accidentally snorted some booze. Owww… " Celestia began to gingerly rub her muzzle.

Luna held her mug to her muzzle, noticing that it was empty. "Ugh... I'm too lazy to refill this. Hey, can we go out somewhere? I'm a broad. Er, I mean I'm a bored. I'm bored."

Celestia groaned. "I'm too lazy to get up."

"Wait... why don't we just, we just, you know, teleport somewhere?"

"Tell a whore's underwear? What?"

Luna leaned over on her sister. "No you dumbwit! I said teleport to somewhere!"

"Hey! Don't... don't yell in my fear. It doesn't fell good. Felt too good... huh?"

"I'll yell in your fear as much as ah wannnnnnnt." Luna started drooling on Celestia's back.

"… Okay." Celestia lit her horn as a bright flash enveloped the two.

In the middle of the crystal empire, the stunning crystal heart floated within the central tower, radiating its loving energy and providing the crystal ponies with more than enough power to keep everything functional and everypony enthusiastic. The empire as a whole was huge, covering the majority of the entire northern territory while maintaining a loving atmosphere within. After all, living in a futuristic utopia with absolutely stunning skyscrapers and technology can literally brighten anypony's day. Unfortunately, this was the exact opposite of what Celestia and Luna wanted when they suddenly materialized right by the heart of the empire.

Luna looked absolutely terrified. "OH DEAR LORD! EVERY EVERYTHING IS JUST SO BRIGHT! WHYYYYYYYY???" She began rolling around on the floor, covering her eyes before hurling onto the pristine crystal floor. "Ugh… I shouldn't have done that. Now my everything hurts and it hurts to look at everythinggg."

Celestia looked at her sister quizzically. "Why does that hurt? I feel… like, I feel a lot better when I throw goop out of my face hole."

"This place is just too darn damn shiny," Luna responded.

"Wait what?" Celestia took a quick look around her. "Oh jeez… what in the name of creation is this???"

"I unno since I dunno, buuuut we have to get rid of it! It's just so dumb!" Luna began to stand up, wobbling her legs.

Celestia lit up her horn. "This place needs more dark colors and... stuff."

Suddenly, Celestia's eyes glowed bright green, leaving behind purple misty trails. Somehow in her intoxicated state, she was able to funnel all her hatred and emo thoughts into her magic with the intent of spreading this energy all around her.

Celestia's voice became much deeper, taking a demonic tone. "Arise darkness, take back the matter that the light has stolen, shade in the spectrum and make this land broken!"

This magical chant might have looked cool if Celestia's mouth wasn't full of foam and slobber.

Celestia's shadow began to stretch, reaching for anything with even the slightest shimmer; turning everything it touched into a dull color, then damaging all the intricate crystal mechanisms that powered all the fancy glowing towers everywhere. As buildings began to collapse and darken, the denizens of the crystal empire fled in absolute pandemonium as their bodies started shining less. As the shadows continued to spread, one of them eventually reached the crystal heart. Cracks began to spread as jagged crystals emerged and the color darkened all across its surface.

Then the entire empire went dark.

I Don't Want to Know

Cadence's eyes began to twitch. "Wait a minute... this is why the empire disappeared for a thousand years isn't it?"

"Pretty much." Celestia nodded.

Cadence buried her face in her hooves. "Oh my gosh... do I even want to know what happened?"

"Probably not, considering that your subjects most likely still vaguely recall what happened... or do they? Actually they probably do, but they have no idea what the truth is," mumbled Luna. She held up her glass to her mouth only to realize it was empty.

Celestia belched loudly. "Yeah, I'm just going to keep going anyway."

"Ohmygosh... it's... so beautiful..." Luna's jaw hung low as she took in her dull and darkened surroundings.

Celestia squinted as she tried to focus her eyes. "I dunno... it's still, like still hard to see, anything."

"Well that's what makes dark stuff so cool and awesome and stuff." Luna replied.

"Oh wait a second... Ohhhhhhhhh. I'm still casting the spell." Her horn stopped glowing as she closed her eyes and reopened them, now reverted to their normal appearances. "Woahhhhhh. That actually looks so... coool."

Luna grinned. "I know right? Now it just... it needs to just, um, be on fire! That would be really awesome!"

"Lulu you dumdum, you can't light crystals on fire! It just doesn't really work thataway like that."

"Oh yeah? Well... I'm going to go and try it right now to see if it works!" Luna began to power her horn as several building around them starting glowing.

Celestia smacked her sister's horn. "Stop being such a stupid pony! All you're doing is turning them into... something like a liquid. That melts them, it's different than being on fire!"

Luna took a quick look around her to examine her work. "But it's all glowing and reddish."

"That's basically lava, stupid. Lava isn't fire. Watch, lemme show you what lava... what fire looks like." Her mane and tail suddenly burst into flames, giving her a rather demonic look.

Luna eyed her suspicously. "I still don't believe you Tia. Let's go and ask the faggots around here if their buildings are on fire or not."

Celestia looked around briefly. "Come to think of it, where is everypony? They were all screaming and running a way a few seconds ago."

"Well then that obviously means that they're gonna be wayyy out far away from here somewhere in the middle of nowhere." Luna pointed her hoof at nowhere in particular.

Celestia flew up into the sky, taking a quick look around and noting the mass migration of crystal equines trying to get out of the area. She flew towards them, trying to figure out why they were fleeing away from her in such a hasty manner.

She eventually decided that they were close enough to hear her. "Hey Crystal Ponies! Are these buildings on fire or are they melting?!"

The only responses she heard were screams and something about an apocalypse.

"Tia! I see some armored faggots running towards us!"

Celestia turned around, noting that her sister was still on the ground looking out towards a group of armored crystal ponies in the distance. "Stop calling them faggots! It's not nice y'know..."

"Well they're throwing popsicles at me!"

Celestia's eyes went wide. "Luna! Avoid the popsicles! Those are actually crystal spear thingies! Avoid them! That way you won't be dead!"

Luna shrieked and began stumbling away from the crystal army, miraculously dodging everything thrown or fired at her.

"Keep firing! The fate of the empire is at stake here!" shouted one of the more decoratively armored soldiers in the back of the group.

"But sir! The enemy's advanced evasive maneuvers is effectively countering our firepower! The other is out of our firing range!" shouted another from the front.

Luna continued stumbling away in her sporadic movements, her form too difficult to predict or aim at. "Stop throoowing sharp stuff at mee!" She began firing back bolts of ice in retaliation.

"Taking fire! AUUGH!" A number of troops in front of the group suddenly became frozen solid.

"SIR WE'VE TAKEN CASUALTIES! WHAT DO WE DO?!"

"Split up! Surround the enemy while we wait for the king and his reinforcements!" The soldier with the fancier armor gestured towards multiple buildings as the troops began running towards them.

Celestia kept staring at the soldiers, now forming a wide circle around them. She began to wonder if crystal ponies could catch on fire, or if they would melt just like the buildings...

"Fire! The enemy cannot hope to evade... this..." The soldier fell over, breathing heavily.

"Are you okay sir?! Uugh... why, why is it so... hot..."

"A-A-AAAAAH!!!" Some of the soldiers fell over, glowing a bright orange from inside.

Luna took note of this. "Hey! Are you faggots on fire or melting?"

Their screaming continued as their manes suddenly burst into flame. They all eventually ceased their cries of agony as their crystal bodies collapsed, still glowing brightly.

Luna stared at the fallen soldiers around her. "Uh... what just happened?"

Celestia was flew down to one of the crystal husks and examined it briefly. "I wanted to see if a crystal pony isa like the house, uh, crystal houses around. Huuuuh it's, it looks like their skin is like, part of their bones... skeleton, whatever you call it." She bent over and peered inside the body's now empty eye socket. "Yeah... I think in the inside they're just like us normal faggot... ponies. Oh and their hair is still on fire."

Luna raised an eyebrow. "So lemme, get, get this straight... the buildings around us are melting... and the ponies here are all on fire?"

Celestia nodded. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's like that."

Luna tapped her chin. "But aren't their manes also made of crystals, or some other... shi... shiny thing?"

"I dunno, maybe like they have hair, but there's also crystals. In the hair. Or around it or something," responded Celestia.

There was a moment of silence as the sisters stood there, spacing out as they wobbled around a bit. A few buildings collapsed around them, and most of the soldiers finally began to burnout as everything around them darkened. Celestia's fiery mane still continued to provide light for the two sisters though.

Luna eventually spoke up. "So what are we gonna do now?"

Celestia shrugged. "I guess we go and tour around for a bit now, since we are like, you know, visitors from another place coming from... to visit here."

As the two sisters stumbled towards a random street, an armored crystal stallion with a flowing red robe and stylish black mane teleported in front of them, followed by a rather large group of soldiers all armed to the teeth with various futuristic weapons.

The king's expression was of pure anger, his horn shining brightly. "You foul demons... what have you done to my people?!"

Worst Legacy Evar

The two sisters simply stared blankly ahead at the enraged king, his clear blue eyes shining even in the darkness.

"Uh... I wanted to see if crystal ponies could catch on fire," Celestia answered.

Luna prodded her sister's shoulder. "Tia... I think he looks really constipated. Like, really badly in a bad way."

"Enough!" The king charged forward, materializing a diamond sword. "I will not allow you to further harm my empire!"

"Support his majesty! Forward!" A large chunk of the group charged as well, while some stayed back, aiming their strange crystal guns at the two sisters.

Celestia conveniently threw up on the ground in front of her, causing the king to slip in the bile and fall forward from his momentum. He quickly teleported behind Celestia, suddenly glowing a translucent blue from Luna's magical aura. The king raised his sword in preparation to strike, only to groan and collapse onto the floor, clutching his stomach as the back of his armor suddenly turned a dark brown.

"King Soma!" shouted one of the soldiers.

"Lemme guess, his original name was King Soma and not King Sombrero?" asked Cadence.

"Correctamundo," Luna slurred.

"You know, I've always wondered who the hell came up with the sombrero. Just why? Do we really need a hat that freaking big?" Celestia spread her hooves apart to demonstrate her point.

"It was to protect the zebras from your harsh sun you numbskull," Luna monotoned.

"THEY NEED TO LEARN TO LOVE IT."

Luna groaned. "They never will if you keep up that attitude. The only reason they're even thriving right now is because I provide them resources at night."

Celestia glared at her sister. "Is that why there's randomly mud there in the morning?! Have you been giving them rain behind my back???"

Luna chuckled as she sipped her glass. "No, you told me it's okay for my night guards to provide additional support that the pegasi fail to provide during the day."

"They don't fail to provide rain to the zebras! That's intentional!"

Cadence nervously smiled. "Uh, a bit off topic much?"

"Oh, right... yeah, sorry, that was was really unnecessary. Buck it, we're probably gonna get drunk soon." Celestia chugged down another glass.

Luna raised her glass. "Aren't we all?"

Celestia chugged down the rest of her glass before throwing it across the room. "Oh yeah by the way Cadence, King Soma is your great great great something grandfather... *hic*."

Cadence's eyes widened. "WOAH WOAH WOAH!!! Wait what?"

Luna levitated a glass from a nearby cabinet to Celestia. "Yeah, he raped your great great great something grandmother once he went evil and insane and everything. It's coming up in the story don't worry. Oh hey that rhymed!"

"Is that why my family line is so messed up? Like, even after doing tons of research, I still can't really find anything about anypony."

Celestia carefully poured more moonshine into her glass. "Well, haven't you ever thought about why you were found in a forest as a filly?" It's cause your father raped your mother, who gave birth to you in a really inconvenient spot. Thank me you were found by the earth pony locals, otherwise you probably would have lived a really really short life."

"Oh, and your dad's name was Dirtbag, I think your mom's was Shining Sky," Luna added.

Cadence scowled. "So am I like the only good pony in my family line?"

"Well, your family tree had its fair share of rape, but it also had tons of miraculous recoveries. Like, most of the rape spawn were incredibly successful ponies or grew up to be heroes. I mean, just look at Starswirl, first half crystal pony ever and he lived a badass life." Celestia began twirling her glass around, spilling a bit of the drink. "Well, that's also cause he was the son of King Soma, who was the only crystal unicorn, so ya'know, insane powers and all that since his mom was also a unicorn. Like no joke, I'm pretty sure crystal unicorns to them are like alicorns for us."

"And just look at yourself now, the crystal princess! Plus you stopped Prismia when you were so young! " Luna grinned.

"Except, I'm pretty sure we were drunk when we made you a princess, cause we didn't exactly give you anything to rule until just now," Celestia paused for a bit, taking a sip as she pondered. "Actually, scratch that, we WERE drunk when we did that. My excuse was that you were like ten percent crystal, so that's probably good enough to be a crystal princess."

Luna shot Celestia a dirty look. "Wait a minute! I wasn't even there when you did that, so I wasn't drunk! Have you been secretly breaking our promise?"

"Maybe." Celestia took another sip. "Besides, you're borderline drunk right now."

"Eh, good point," Luna admitted.

Cadence held up a hoof. "Okay, before any of us say anything stupid again, how about we continue with the rest of the story?" She took a drink for her own glass. "We'll do all that goofy drunk stuff after the story. Besides, if Celestia wasn't drunk I"d never be a alicorn, so I'm totally okay with this."

As dozens of soldiers began to charge towards the Celestia and Luna, the two of them took to the sky, now dodging tiny needle-like crystal bullets fired at them.

"Tia I'm scaaaaared! Why do they keep trying to kill us?"

"I don't know Lulu, I JUST DON'T KNOW!!! And, plus, uh, I'm starting to hate this place! Let's go back home!"

The two sisters suddenly disappeared in a bright flash of light. The soldiers glanced around in confusion, failing to sight their targets.

"Damnit! Where did they go?!"

"Search the area! They couldn't have gone too far away!"

The group dispersed as they combed the darkened streets, while a few stayed behind assisting Soma, who was still collapsed on the floor.

"Ugh... what the hell was that?" muttered Soma.

One of the soldiers sniffed a few times before scrunching his face. "Your majesty, are you alright? You appeared to have, uh..."

"Shut up, I can see that." Soma slowly got up, still clutching his stomach.

"My lord, you require medical assistance! Somebody get a field medic! There's no telling what those hell spawn did to our king!"

"Dude. I'm right here." A soldier tapped his helmet's insignia of a ruby cross. "Lemme just take a quick look here–"

"No. Get me to the crystal heart. We need to restore the empire back to its pristine state, I will not allow our capitol to fall so easily to the first attack," huffed Soma.

"Yeah, that's going to be real easy once I heal you up first your majesty." He pulled out a clear crystal screen and held it up against Soma. It displayed an internal diagram of the king's body, flashing red in the lower regions. "Woah. Okay, all your intestines are squished... that's gotta hurt like hell."

Soma continued to gasp, now coughing out blood. "How long will it take for you to heal me?"

"A whole day if you let me work my surgery magic." The medic lifted a hoof as a diamond scalpel extended from his vambrace, glowing a bright white as it heated up. "Just gotta put in some synthetic crystal intestines, maybe just throw all that out all together and just make you powered by energy rather than food–"

"No! That takes too long! My empire needs me now!" The king suddenly disappeared in a flash of light.

"Maybe even give you wings and a burrito dispenser... hey! What the heck?! Seriously? Fine, keep being a normal crystal unicorn. Not like I wanted to help or anything."

Another soldier groaned. "Just shut up Splicer."

At the center of the empire lay the now heavily distorted crystal heart, barely even resembling a heart in its current state. Soma simply stared at it in absolute shock, having never seen such dark, hate-fueled magic. The jagged heart looked like a shard of obsidian, with smaller obsidian growths protruding from random cracks that emitted a strange purple mist. Soma raised a foreleg, reaching for the beloved heart. When his hoof touched the jagged surface, the cracks immediately glowed with a sickly green light. He drew back, horn glowing bright as he attempted to cease whatever magical reaction he might have incited. Suddenly, the green light retracted, and the crystal buildings began to regain their diamond colored hue. Soma looked around in confusion, before turning back to the heart to witness a smoky purple appendage emerge and wrap around his horn.

"GAH! What the... AAAAAAAHH!!!"

Soma's horn began to morph, slowly tilting upwards and forming a curve as cracks spread across, bleeding furiously. His body began to dull, forming flesh as his crystal skin disappeared. Meanwhile, the crystal heart began to regain its color as the cracks closed and protrusions shrunk.

Soma began to glow a hideous shade of purple, crying in pain. "NO, NO, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

A massive black cloud erupted from the center of the empire, trails of purple mist following behind as the crystal heart started to glow again, spinning in place as the crystal empire began to glow as brightly as it always had. Even with the empire's illumination restored, nothing could be seen inside the black and purple mist now rising into the sky. Within the smoke cloud, a pair of blood red irises opened, enclosed by a menacing green sclera. The eyes blinked as a green glow ignited, trailing behind purple wisps.

"GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

Author's Note

In case you didn't realize it, there's some references to "Twilight Sparkle & The Crystal Heart Spell".

Discord is Apparently Corrupt

Celestia's horn glowed brightly as she made a magical screen appear next to her, displaying the two sisters in a much younger state. On the screen the two were happily chatting at a restaurant while Celestia continued to explain more about what she was showing.

"You see Cadence, back when we weren't the rulers of Equestria yet, Discord ruled the land. Except, he wasn't exactly the Discord you know now, he used to be an alicorn who ruled Equestria fairly in a disorderly fashion. The ponies loved him, and so did we. Life always had something unexpected at random intervals."

On the display, a brown alicorn stallion suddenly appeared in a bright white flash. He had a messy tan colored mane and a mismatched pair of orange eyes that almost looked like they were facing different directions.

He then proceeded to bombard Celestia with a multitude of bananas before flashing away.

"Funny thing, I used to hate bananas back then," Celestia remarked.

Cadence raised an eyebrow. "Wait, why didn't anypony seem to care about how he would just randomly show up and change things to his will? Wouldn't that interfere with their jobs and special talents?"

"Well, society was incredibly different back then. There wasn't a currency system or even daily schedules, especially since there wasn't even a day and night cycle yet. So ponies would just ask for things and sometimes receive them, the system was great." Celestia took another bite out of a banana.

"I can't imagine ever getting used to that..."

"Nopony ever did, that's the point, order wasn't around until Luna and I took over." Celestia said.

The bar suddenly turned into a beach, but rather than being in a tropical setting, this particular beach seemed to be near a swamp with chocolate milk waves.

"So anyways, enough about the times we grew up in. I should probably get on with what happened..."

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY LUNA!"

Luna had just left her room when a large group of her friends and family surprised her at the doorway. Discord was in the front of the group with a violin in hoof, playing a very somber sounding piece.

"Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh! It's my birthday???" Luna squealed.

"Sure is kiddo! And since I feel like it, I say it's now legal for you to drink and gamble! Actually, I'm gonna take back the gambling part." Discord then chucked his violin out a nearby window in the hallway.

In the distance somepony could be heard saying, "Hey! Check out this violin I found!".

"Oh Discord, you and your shenanigans." Luna laughed.

"Anyways, I'll let you continue on with your day. Or not." Discord suddenly vanished along with the rest of the group, leaving a stunned Celestia behind and lots of random animals.

They both stood there for a few seconds in the midst of the cacophony.

Celestia looked around in confusion. "What just happened?"

"It's my birthday right now apparently."

"Wait what? So...how old are you right now?"

Luna had to stop and think about that for a while. "Honestly, I have no idea."

"So are we even celebrating anything right now?"

"I dunno, he did tell me it's okay for me to drink now."

"You wanna go to the bar then?"

As if on cue, a dolphin dived in through the wall and flailed around wildly, sending pieces of rocks and dust all over the hallway. It was holding a sign that said: "Need a Ride?"

"Well that was convienient, come on, let's go! You gotta see what being drunk is like!" Celestia hopped onto the dolphin, causing it to stop flopping around and happily chirp.

"Hold on a minute Tia, how exactly is this thing gonna get us-"

The dolphin suddenly sprouted wings and began to make engine noises as some rainbow colored smoke came out of its blowhole.

"Okay then..."

"Sooooooo. How...How long has it been since we've......Hey, Tea...Tia, why are we here again?"

"Huh? Oh, uh...I think we've been here...since...forever."

"So we were al...always here?

"Where's *hic* "here" again? I swear, that name sounds...familiar."

Across the upside-down bar, an arrow suddenly manifested that was pointing straight down and read: "IF YOU CAN READ THIS, YOU AREN'T HERE. Also, Merry Hearths Warming Christmas."

Luna and Celestia were floating in midair, both hugging an open barrel of booze while slowly sipping from its contents. They both looked nauseous and had a deep red in their checks while maintaining goofy looking grins.

"Hey Tia?"

"Oh wait..."here" is a word, silly 'ol me."

"I think we should go drunk now...we're home."

"I think you mean I...I-er, I'm drunk, so I should go leave the bar."

"Eeeeyup."

Celestia's horn flashed, and the two found themselves standing in the middle of a dense forest in bright daylight that was heavily populated with other ponies.

Luna looked around for a bit before she realized that something was different.

"Hey! what, what happened to all the ba...booze?" complained Luna.

"We were trying to...get away from it, I think." Celestia stumbled a bit before crashing onto the hard dirt ground.

Somewhere in the distance, a young filly could be heard crying.

"Hey Tia...do you hear that wailing noise?"

"Huh?"

"I dunno about...you, but, that noise makes me...sad."

"Well...you wanna, you...wanna go see what it is?"

Luna looked around for a bit before focusing on a filly lavender unicorn with an odd, flat balloon in her hoof.

"Hey Tia...I think I found it."

Celestia vomited over the dirt before she slowly stood up, looking to where Luna was facing.

"Uh, is it...that tree over there?"

"I"m...fairly certain that it's coming...coming from that, little pony, over by the tree."

"Oh my gosh...I see it...woah."

The two of them stared in awe at the poor little thing, it was as if time slowed down just to bring attention onto this unfortunate tragedy with all its emotional impact. This solemn moment, in which all hope seemed lost, brought upon despair for all who were witnessing such a dark slice of life. The tears that flowed without solace in sight deeply touched the two royal sisters, playing a symphony of lament for their heartstrings.

It was clear that something had to be done, something had to change.

"Mommy! My balloon is flat now! What happened to it?"

A blue mare that was presumably the filly's mother trotted over and gave her foal an embracing hug. "Oh, don't worry dear, It's just Discord playing some games with us, I'm sure he'll do something funny again soon."

This was just too much for the sisters to handle, to bring a filly's mother into this? That was the last straw.

"You know what Lulu? We...we need to put a stop to this "Discord" character. How could making a...a little pony cry be considered...playing games?"

"Yeah! We need to... stop all this...chaos and...uh, suffering!"

"You know what? We should go to... the place where Discord said he kept his, uh...emerrrgency reset keys and fix everything!"

"I'm sorry, but what were these "emerrrgency reset keys" that you're talking about?" interrupted Cadence.

Celestia paused the floating screen she conjured. "Oh, well you see, there was something else that I neglected to mention. Those were what we know today as "The Elements of Harmony". You see, just in case the impossible occurred and something happened that was so disastrous that it needed to actually be dealt with, Discord made six jewels encrusted in stone that would nullify all magic that contradicts the user's emotions and thoughts. He told everypony about these and put them in his castle for safekeeping, so everypony knew where they were. "

"Wait wait wait, so you're saying that all this time, the "Elements of Harmony" are really just there to reset magic?" replied Cadence.

"Pretty much, Luna and I came up with a cooler sounding name and all this mythological backstory to it so that the ponies don't know of its true power. In reality, all it needs in order to work is just emotions and magic, with each jewel being there to help convey its power."

"So why didn't it work when Twilight and her friends used them on discord while they were corrupt?"

"Contradicting emotions, it didn't know what to reset everything to." Celestia explained.

"Well then why did you come up with all this mythology backstory only to let Twilight and her friends use them?"

"Well, because every time Twilight and her friends use them nothing ever seems to go wrong, take a look around, everypony is constantly smiling with the environment Twilight and her friends create."

Cadence sighed. "You know what? This all makes too much sense. Just keep going on with the story."

"Well alrighty then." The screen resumed playing again.