Luna's Bad Breath Day

by CanterlotGuardian

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Colgate, Comedy
Length: 2634

This is what happens when you don't brush your teeth for 1,000 years.

Featured on October 3rd, 2013.

Princess Luna has returned to the Nightmare Night celebration and wishes everypony to have a good time. Unfortunately, nopony seems to want to be around her. It's only when she explains her concerns to Twilight Sparkle that she finds out the real reason why this is happening.

Not even the best dentist in all of Equestria will find it easy to freshen up the breath of a pony who hasn't brushed their teeth in 1000 years.

Done for Oneshotober, even though this idea's been floating around in my head for *way* longer than that.

Published 2013-10-03 18:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-03 18:10:02 UTC

Luna's Bad Breath Day

A chill wind whispered through the air, whistling a hauntingly eerie tune as it flowed on paths unseen. It was appropriate, considering the time of year that it was. Everypony knew and loved this time of year; it was one of the single most memorable events that happened in Ponyville, and all across Equestria.

That night was Nightmare Night, and everypony was busy getting ready for the grand celebration.

Twilight was busy making her rounds throughout Ponyville. As Celestia’s appointed advisor to the ceremonies, her job was to make sure that all of the ponies were on task and that everything went smoothly for the Nightmare Night festivities. Of course, as this was Twilight, she had a detailed list of everything that she needed to do that night before the festival could actually begin.

She looked at her list. “Hmm… It looks like the first stop is at the Cakes’ bakery.” Her stomach rumbled, and she laughed. “Well, it looks like it’s a good idea that I’m going there. I don’t even remember if I had breakfast this morning…”

A few moments later, she walked into the bakery and was immediately greeted by Pinkie Pie. “Hi, Twilight!” Pinkie said with her usual trademark effervescence. “What can I getcha?”

“A carrot muffin please,” Twilight responded. As Pinkie walked over to the cash register, Twilight continued. “Also, I was coming by to see how everything was going on your end in preparation for the big night tonight.”

“We are on schedule, I believe,” came Mr. Cake’s voice from the back of the store. “We’ve been up just about all night trying to get all of the pastries and such ready for the celebration, but we’re on track to finish just in time.”

“Great!” Twilight replied as Pinkie brought her the muffin she’d ordered.

“Here ya go!” Pinkie passed the bag off to Twilight, who levitated it with her magic. She took the muffin out and began munching happily on it. She was so engrossed in her first meal of the day, she almost missed what Pinkie said next: “You did know that one of the Princesses was supposed to be coming down for the festivities tonight, right?”

Twilight almost choked on the muffin, but managed to recover and swallow before any kind of real damage was done. “Wh-what? Who is supposed to be coming? Celestia? Cadance?”

“I don’t know, silly. I just heard somepony talking about it while I was on my way down here this morning. I didn’t stop to see who it was; I had to get back here to start my shift!”

“So it might be just mindless rumors?” Twilight asked cautiously. It made sense to her, though; it was a very big event, after all, so why wouldn’t one of the Princesses want to come and join in the festivities? But which one was coming…?

“Sorry, Pinkie,” Twilight apologized, “but I gotta run. I need to make absolutely sure that everything is going to be completely and totally perfect!” She dashed out of the shop, not even stopping to see Pinkie emphatically wave her goodbye.

It was a long day of running around and fulfilling her end of the bargain, but by the time Twilight stopped back by the Cakes’ shop, all of the items on her list had been checked off. She’d helped Fluttershy gather up all of the animals for the chorus in the opening ceremony, assisted Rainbow Dash (as best she could, anyways) in making sure the clouds were of the non-rainy variety (she hadn’t been sure how she could help, but Dash had turned her onto the notion of using her magic to manipulate the cloud cover, which Twilight took to with an almost reckless abandon), and stopped by Vinyl Scratch’s house to make sure the musical accompaniment for the night was apropos for the situation (it was).

Twilight collapsed into the booth, and as though she was expected all along, a carrot cake muffin practically materialized in front of her, as did a familiar figure, with her pink coat and bouncy ruffled hair.

“Thanks, Pinkie,” Twilight said appreciatively, starting to eat the muffin.

“So did ya find out which Princess was supposed to show up?” Pinkie asked excitedly.

Twilight shook her head. “Nopony was even talking about it the whole day.” She looked up at her best friend. “Are you absolutely sure you heard them right?”

“I think so. Then again, I have heard things wrong before.” Twilight frowned; even though Pinkie couldn’t be sure of what she heard, Twilight figured it would be for the best that she rushed around and did everything the way that she did. Better safe than sorry, anyways. If nothing came of it, then it would flow all the more smoothly because of it. If one of the Princesses did show up, though, then it would be exactly how it needed to be from the get-go.

Suddenly, a loud horn-blast could be heard from outside, and Twilight immediately recognized who it was. “Princess Celestia!” she exclaimed, and she and Pinkie darted outside. They were just in time to see the chariot land in the center of the town square. The alicorn on the chariot, though, was not the one that Twilight had expected to see…

“Princess Luna?” Twilight asked in hushed awe. “Wh...what in Equestria is she doing here? Nopony’s seen her at all since Nightmare Moon was…” She couldn’t continue; it had brought up memories that she didn’t want clouding her good mood for the night. She turned to Pinkie and was about to say something when she noticed that Pinkie wasn’t even standing beside her anymore.

Before she had time to wonder where she was, she heard that unmistakable voice coming from over near the chariot: “Oh my goodness, it’s so awesome to see you again! Where have you been?! We’ve alll missed you so so so very much!!!”

Twilight turned, her mouth agape. “What are you doing?!” she called out in shock as she rushed over to the chariot. “That is no way to act in front of a Princess!!”

“Oh come on silly… I was just saying hello. No harm done, right?”

Luna smiled. “Of course not, young one. The welcome is much appreciated.” She lifted her head and began to implement something that she had not been able to use in a very long time: the Royal Canterlot Voice. “Citizens of Ponyville! I have come in order to enjoy the festivities that you all have so graciously planned for tonight! I hope to get to know you all in a way that I have never been able to before!”

After Luna had finished her speech, Mayor Mare came up to the chariot. “Thank you all for coming out to the opening ceremony! We shall begin the night’s festivities… Now!” Everypony cheered and began to scatter to their various stations, leaving Twilight to wonder what on earth was everypony’s problem…

“And what the hay happened to Fluttershy’s bird chorus?!”

Twilight was pacing back and forth in her library, unable to keep still for more than a moment. Nothing about the night seemed to be going right. Spike was sitting by the letter-writing desk, trying to keep out of Twilight’s way.

“Maybe they decided that because of Princess Luna coming out, they were just going to skip straight to the festivities,” Spike offered. “And speaking of which, why aren’t we out there? There’s so much to do… I don’t want to be stuck in here all night.”

She sighed. “Fine, let’s go out and see how everypony’s doing. I wanted to talk to Luna, anyways.” The pair headed out in the direction of the town square, where the bulk of the night’s attractions were going to be held. The entire way there, they heard comments like “I can’t believe she would let herself get like that” or “I’m not sure if I want to stay out here if she’s going to be that way…”

“What the hay are they talking about?” Twilight asked herself, subconsciously using one of Applejack’s more famous euphemisms.

“I don’t think it’s ‘what’ they’re talking about,” Spike pointed out. “It’s ‘who’.” He glanced in the direction up ahead, and Twilight followed his glance. She gasped and broke into a trot.

“Princess?” Twilight asked as she approached Luna, who had a very dour look on her face. “What’s the matter? I thought you’d be out having fun tonight…”

Luna looked up at Twilight, and she was surprised to see tears forming at the corner of the Princess’ eyes. “It is rather hard to ‘have fun,’ as you so eloquently put it, when nopony at all even wants to associate themselves with you…”

Twilight was astounded at this, and more than a little bit outraged as well. She was just about to respond when a particularly foul odor hit her nose, and she visibly recoiled. “Wh-what on earth is that smell?” she asked in disbelief.

“I could not tell you,” the Princess replied, “but I have been getting that exact same reaction from near everypony else that I have met tonight.” As Luna was still speaking, the answer hit Twilight like a ton of bricks.

“Um, Princess… When was the last time you brushed your teeth?”

Luna looked at her a bit askance. That thought hadn’t even occurred to her. “It… has been awhile, I must admit…”

Twilight narrowed her eyes at her. “Like what?”

“I cannot remember exactly…” She brushed her hoof at the ground reticently. “Though I am relatively sure… it was before my imprisonment.” Twilight’s jaw almost dropped.

“That’s understandable,” Spike replied, and Twilight just about had a heart attack. “What?” Spike asked, seeing Twilight’s reaction. “She was on the moon for a thousand years, wasn’t she? Where would she get a toothbrush up there?” Twilight’s shock abated as quickly as it had come; Spike had brought up an excellent point.

“There must be something you can do to help…” The sadness in Luna’s voice was heartbreaking, and Twilight knew in that moment that she had to do something. But what? She thought as hard as she could, until in a flash of genius, the answer came to her.

“Perfect!” she exclaimed. “Come on, Princess. We’ve got a dentist to visit!”

Twilight and Luna walked along the bustling Ponyville streets, with Spike riding on Twilight’s back as he always did. Luna was sure to keep quiet so as not to alert anypony else to her current condition, and she saw that they were actually a lot more accepting of her presence as long as they weren’t being directly offended by her halitosis. A moment later, they saw the booth that they were looking for.

“Minuette!” Twilight called out with a smile. Minuette looked up and broke into a grin when she saw Twilight, a grin that quickly changed into a disbelieving smile when she saw her other visitor.

“Wow,” she said in a bit of shock. “Princess Luna. It’s a pleasure to have ya here.” She bowed to Luna as was the common tradition, then straightened up and looked over at Twilight, her grin returning. “So whatcha doin’ here? Come to give Spikey-wikey his yearly check-up?” Spike stuck his tongue out at her, and she laughed.

Twilight walked around to the side of the booth and motioned for her to follow. As soon as they were a bit away from everypony else, Twilight came clean: “Actually, Minuette, I need you to do a dental check-up on Princess Luna. Unfortunately… she hasn’t had the opportunity to clean her teeth and mouth up since she was banished.”

Minuette’s face soured a bit. “Whoa, wait a second. So you’re telling me you want me to do a check-up on somepony who ain’t even brushed their teeth in a whole millennium?” She shook her head as though this was all totally crazy. “I gotta say, this ain’t gonna be easy.”

“Please?” Twilight asked with a note of desperation in her voice. “You’re the only one I know who can help… This is Luna’s first Nightmare Night since we got rid of Nightmare Moon, and I want to make this night as special as I can for her. And… well, I can’t do that if nopony wants to talk to her, much less be around her, because of her breath issues.”

Minuette sighed. “Okay fine, but you owe me one big.” Twilight smiled and hugged her old friend.

“Thanks so much!” Minuette just laughed, and when they’d broken apart, she went back to her stand where Luna was standing there, taking in the rest of the scenery.

“Okay, Princess, here’s what I’m gonna do. You and I are gonna go back to my office; it’s just around the corner, so you don’t have to worry about losing Twilight or anything. We’re gonna get you all cleaned up, and then you can come back out and enjoy the rest of the festivities! What do ya say to that?”

Luna smiled graciously. “Your help in this matter, young one, is appreciated more than you can ever know. Please, lead the way.” Minuette hung a “Temporarily Closed” sign on her booth, and began to walk with Luna towards her office. Twilight smiled as she saw the two of them walking; she just knew in her heart that everything was going to be-

She found herself in that moment knocked face-down in the dirt, and she popped up quickly, sputtering as she tried to clean the dust off her face. As she did so, she heard a telltale voice from behind her: “Oops! My bad, Twilight!” She turned, recognizing the voice, and sure enough the lopsided grin gave her attacker away.

“You’d better be more careful, Derpy!” Twilight said teasingly. Derpy laughed, and Twilight joined her. “So what’s going on with you?” Twilight asked.

“I’m tryin’ to get more candy for Dinky. She’s a bit of a ways back with Sparkler; she couldn’t keep up with me, for some reason. Or maybe I’m just too erratic of a flyer for them, I don’t know.” She smiled. “What are you waiting out here for?”

“Oh, I’m waiting on Princess Luna to come back with Minuette. They were going to give the Princess a… well-deserved check-up.”

Derpy’s eyes widened. “Wow… Maybe I’ll stick around. I’ve never been able to meet Princess Luna for myself…” The two of them sat and talked for a while longer; eventually, Dinky and Sparkler caught up to them, and it became a foursome. Not too long after that, Twilight spotted Minuette returning, with the Princess in tow.

“Well?” Twilight asked. “How did everything go?” Minuette pulled Twilight off to the side before responding.

“I swear to you, Twilight, if you ever bring me a case like that again, I’m going to pull all your teeth out one by one. Not really, but still. Man, that was the worst case I’ve ever had to work on… We managed to get everything done though, so she should be good for awhile.”

Twilight smiled. “Thanks, Minuette. I really do owe you one big time.” As Minuette went over to her booth and began to re-set up shop, Twilight looked around for her companions, but none of them were in sight. “Where did they go?” she asked aloud.

“Oh, you mean the Princess?” came another familiar voice from behind her, and Twilight turned to see Rainbow Dash coming up to her. “She went off with Derpy and them. They seemed like they were really into each other.”

Twilight couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “The Princess… and Derpy? Are you sure?”

Dash smiled. “Hey, you know just as well as I do… Nightmare Night always has been- and always will be- a night of surprises.”