Bizarre Adventures in Equestrian Folklore

by Mike the Red

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Human, Alternate Universe, Comedy
Length: 2778

Random silly short stories and other odds and ends

A collection of story fragments, random stories, some OOC, just various things I come up with from time to time.
May be added to on a whim.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-26 00:31:59 UTC

Twilight Sparkle Needs Chocolate

     It was a very early morning in Ponyville as Celestia had decided to raise the sun particularly early this morning.  A hoof-full of clouds littered the sky above the Books and Branches Library.  The sun's rays poked through the window into Twilight's room, waking her from her too-short slumber.  Groggily, she got to her hooves and made her way over to her bureau.  Examining her sleepy form in the mirror, she rubbed sleep from her eyes.  Her stomach grumbled in protest at the need for food of some sort or another.

     "I hear you, I hear you," she said with some exasperation.  "But pancakes and waffles aren't going to do today.  I need some chocolate!"  She checked her secret stash to see if there was any left -- but it was empty.  "Spike, can you get me some chocolate?" she asked her assistant.

     Spike came into her room, tell-tale traces of chocolate upon his lips.  "Um, there isn't any more chocolate, Twi," he said sheepishly.

     "Don't tell me you ate the last of it!" she admonished him.  Her tone was impatient.

     "Umm...maybe?" he said hesitantly, his sheepish grin getting larger, the true extent of how much chocolate he had just eaten becoming quite obvious.

     "SPIKE!  I was saving that!" she said with even greater exasperation.

     "Sorry, Twi, I was craving chocolate as well -- I guess I got to it before you did," he said, his sheepish grin turning into a mischievous one.

     "YOU'RE going to get me some more chocolate!" she commanded impatiently.  "And you're going to do it TODAY!"

     "Okay, okay, sorry Twi!  I'll get right on it!" he exclaimed as he tried to show remorse at having eaten the last of Twilight's personal stash of chocolate.  He left to go find some chocolate for her, but it appeared he was heading over to Fluttershy's cottage for some strange reason...

     "Okay, fine, be that way then," she muttered as she headed off to Sugarcube Corner.  "Pinkie's gotta have some chocolate for me, I know!" she exclaimed to no one.

     "Hey, Twiley, you looking for me?" Pinkie Pie asked her.

     "You have some chocolate at your shop?"

     "Oh, sure, Twi!  I'll join you for the epic journey to my shop!  We can have a 'find me some chocolate' party!" she exclaimed with great enthusiasm, bouncing alongside Twilight, who was now silently fuming over having attracted the pink earth pony's attention.  Twilight continued to trot slowly towards Sugarcube Corner, remaining silent for most of the trip, only taking time to give curt answers to the more obnoxious questions Pinkie was constantly asking.

     "Remind me never to call your name when I have important business to attend to," Twilight grumbled.

     "Sure thing, Twiliey!  Oh look, we're here now!  I'll go check to see if we have any chocolate," Pinkie said optimistically.

     "I'll go inside as well -- I want to see for myself."

     "Um, sorry Twi, but the Cakes told me they just ran out," Pinkie said through a mouthful of chocolate.

     "What's that you're eating, Pinkie?  I can smell it!  You're eating chocolate!" exclaimed a flabbergasted Twilight.

     "Oh, this?  Oh, I just found it in my room -- it's the last of it, sorry, Twi.  Maybe you can try the market?"

     Twilight trotted out of the Bakery and quickened her pace to the market.  On her way to the market, she ran into a certain great and powerful show-mare.

     "Trixie, please tell me you have some chocolate!" Twilight pleaded.

     "Trixie has some chocolate, Twilight -- but you will have to take it from her mouth!" she grinned.

     "That's disgusting!" Twilight spat.

     Her need for chocolate was becoming more intense.  "Please tell me somepony here has some chocolate for sale!" she pleaded.  Every shopkeeper in the market responded with excuses or apologies as none of them had any chocolate.

     "Have you tried Canterlot yet?" one of them asked her.

     "I have my dignity!" she shouted.  "I will not debase myself for the sake of -- oh, forget it."  She trotted over to the ticket counter and purchased a ticket to Canterlot.  "This had better be worth it," she muttered to herself.  "I can't believe I'm traveling to Canterlot just to get some chocolate!"

     The train ride lasted five hours, putting Twilight way behind schedule for her studies.  Her craving for chocolate had led her to the markets in Canterlot, and her patience was wearing thin.  She managed to find one merchant who had a single bar of chocolate left for sale.

     "Do you have any chocolate?" Twilight asked, almost in desperation.  Her mane and tail were a frazzled mess, and her nerves needed the calming effect chocolate had on her.

     "Yes, ma'am, I do!  I have just one bar left, and it can be yours for the small sum of a hundred bits!" he exclaimed proudly.

     "WHAT??!?  A HUNDRED BITS!?  Are you out of your mind?"

     "How long have you been searching, my dear?  It's a small sum for the last bar of chocolate in Canterlot," he offered slyly.

     Just at that moment, Prince Blueblood happened to trot by the shopkeeper's stall.  "I say, good sir, do you have any chocolate?"

     "But of course, Prince Blueblood!  Just a hundred bits for the last bar in Canterlot!"

     "I'll take it, just put it on my tab -- Auntie Celestia will take care of it for me," he said in his usual condescending fashion.

     "WHAT?  I NEED that chocolate!" Twilight pleaded.

     "You're too late, you can't have it.  You're not worthy of such extravagant comestibles," he chuckled.

     At this point, Twilight lost control of her temper.  A look of sheer rage came across her face.  "I traveled all the way from Ponyville to get some chocolate!  And YOU of all ponies take the LAST BAR!" she shouted.

     "So what," the Prince said dismissively.  "You'll just have to keep on searching then, won't you?"

     Twilight's rage went into over-drive as she transformed into her hyper-flame mode.  "GIVE ME THAT CHOCOLATE NAAOOWW!!"

     "By my Aunt's beard!" the Prince wailed, dropping the chocolate on the ground.  Twilight cooled off immediately and dropped to the ground, landing on her hooves.  Using her telekinesis, she grabbed the bar and started nibbling on it.

     "Ahh, much better!" she said as she flashed her evil grin.

     "Hey, you didn't pay for that!" the shopkeeper protested.

     "Put it on my tab, Princess Celestia will take care of it for me," Twilight said dismissively as she trotted towards the train station to catch a ride back home.

Kanye Westus Interruptus

   It was another beautiful day in Ponyville as Princess Celestia had made a special trip to deliver a very important announcement.  When such momentous occasions came to pass, all the town's ponies made it a point to attend.  Today would be no different from other such important events.  Princess Celestia strode up to the stand to take the microphone.

    "Ladies and gentlecolts, if I may have your attention, I have a very important announcement --" she began.

    Suddenly, Kanye West appeared, and snatched the microphone out of the Princess' telekinetic hold.  "Twilight Sparkle is the best pony around, and don't none of you forget that!  You hear me?  Twilight is best pony!"

    "TO THE MOON WITH YOU, KANYE WEST!!" Celestia thundered, enveloping him in her golden aura and banishing him immediately.  She retrieved the errant microphone in her telekinetic grip and brought it back to its original position so she could address the throng of ponies assembled to hear her momentous words.

     "Now, where was I before I was so rudely interrupted?" She asked rhetorically.  "Oh, yes, that's right.  Twilight Sparkle is the best pony around, and don't none of you forget that!  You hear me?  Twilight is best pony!" she smiled softly before taking a ride on her chariot back to the Castle.

Pinkie Pie Finds a Comic Book

     Pinkie Pie woke up early this fine morning in Ponyville to help out in the bakery.  Before she had gotten out the door to her room, a stray current of wind blew a piece of paper through her window.

     "What's this?" she mused.  She started reading it.  "Looks like pictures in squares with some words written on it -- I like stories!  I wonder if there's more outside.  I need to check it out!"

     Pinkie Pie went outside her house and found the rest of the book laying on the ground with a few pages ripped out of it.  She flipped the book over to read the cover.

     "Beardless Breeder-reactor Boxing Bobcats?  Really?  I've never heard of that one before," she said to no one.  "Let's see -- these guys look like martial arts fighters with boxing gloves of different colors on them -- Billy, Benny, Barry, and Bobby Bobcat fight the evil menace of the Hoof Clan and their evil leader Sombra?  Wow!"

     Twilight Sparkle was on her way to the bakery to pick up an order of cupcakes when she happened upon Pinkie Pie looking at a small book laying on the ground.  "Hey, Pinkie, what's caught your interest today?"

     "Hey, Twiley, I found a book lying on the ground here.  It's the Beardless Breeder-reactor Boxing Bobcats!"

     "I've heard of those guys," Twilight mused.  "But the artists who write the stories have lost their touch.  Back in the early days, those guys wrote good stories, but they jumped the shark quite a while ago."

     "Don't you think you might want to add it to the library's collection?"

     "What issue number is it?"

     "Number 63."

     "It's trash, just throw it away."

     "But, but, Twiley!  It's a BOOK!"

     "No, Pinkie, it's a COMIC.  A small periodical not worthy of inclusion in the library's collection."

     "So can I keep it?"

     "I suppose so, but why would you want something so lame?"

     "So I can build my own library!  I'm going to throw a 'I found a new book' party today!"

     "Whatever, Pinkie.  Let me get those cupcakes I ordered, okay?"

     "Okie dokie lokie!  Just a minute, oh, and come inside!  I made some special ones for you today!"  Pinkie grabbed the book and took it up to her room and laid it on her bed.  She returned to the front counter and got Twilight's order for her.  She inspected the order and noticed a different color frosting on the cupcakes.

     "Okay, these look good.  Blue frosting?  It'll go well with the decor, I guess.  What flavor is it?"

     "Blueberry!  What else?"

     "Okay, thanks Pinkie.  Seeya later!" Twilight said cheerily as she left the bakery with her cupcakes.  A certain grey pegasus crashed into her sending the order scattering on the ground.

     "Derpy!  Watch where you're flying!" Twilight admonished her.

     "Oops, sorry Twilight," she apologized and flew off into a tree before righting herself and flying off in the opposite direction.

     "You ruined my cupcakes!" Twilight shouted at her in frustration.

     Pinkie Pie went back upstairs to finish reading the comic book, but her pet alligator had eaten it.  "Gummy, why'd you do that?  Oh well, I guess you were hungry.  I'll have to see if I can find another copy of that book somewhere."

     A knocking was heard at the front door of the shop.  Pinkie Pie answered to see Scootaloo standing at the door.  "Have you seen my copy of Beardless Breeder-reactor Boxing Bobcats?" she asked.

    "Um, I think my pet alligator might have eaten it," she answered sheepishly.

    "Diamond Tiara took it from me and ripped some pages out of it -- and you found it?  But Gummy ate it?" she looked like she was about to cry.  Pinkie Pie reached under the counter to produce another copy of the book from her Pinkie Space.

    "I found another book for you, here, take this one.  Sorry about the other one, I hope this one's better."

    "Woohoo!  First issue!  Yeah!" Scootaloo exclaimed excitedly as she galloped down the street with her new book.

    "Well, I guess a change of plans is in order for this party," Pinkie mused.

"You're Just Jealous Because the Voices Talk to Me"

     Applejack was flabbergasted.  "What d'ya mean by that, Twi?"

     "Don't you ever wonder what those voices in your head tell you?" she had asked, innocently enough.

     "Ah don't know what yer gittin' at, Twi -- Ah've never heard voices in mah head!"

     "Pinkie Pie sometimes tells me she hears them," Twilight offered.  "I thought maybe you might hear them as well."

     "Hey, Twiley!  I heard the little voices in my head again!  They told me to make some more cupcakes!  Isn't that great?  We could have --"

     "All right, Pinkie, that's enough!  Ah've had about all I can take of that nonsense!  Twi, can you talk some sense inta her?" she asked with more than a little disgust in her voice.

     "You're just jealous because the voices talk to me!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed almost victoriously.  The pink earth pony started bounding off back towards her house after having imparted those words of wisdom (?) to the pair, both of them exchanging quizzical glances.

     "Ah told ya that pink one was crazy!" Applejack said, a grin starting to make its way across her face.

     "It could have been worse -- she could have told us she does what those little voices in her head tell her to...oh wait -- she did mention that, didn't she?"

     "Hey, Twiley!  You wanna help me make some cupcakes?" asked Pinkie Pie, who had mysteriously returned to rejoin this curious conversation.

    "Uh, maybe later, Pinkie Pie.  I remembered I have to go clean my room ... again ... for the fifth time today!  Yeah, that's it!  I gotta go clean my room!  Seeya later, PInkie!" Twilight said quickly before slamming the front door of her house shut.

    "How about you, AJ?  You wanna help me make some cupcakes?"

    "Uh, Ah just remembered Ah have some more trees to buck in the orchard.  Gotta run, Pinkie!  Bye!" Applejack said quickly before galloping back to her farm in a comically quick fashion.

    "Okie dokie loki!  Seeya around, I guess!" Pinkie said excitedly.  "I wonder why nopony wants to help me.  It couldn't have something to do with this very large knife I'm carrying or my beaming grin, could it?  Nah, that can't be it..." she muttered as she made her way back to the Bakery.

The Greatest Shipfic Ever Written in Recorded Human History

   Mike the Red got home from work, inspired to write something truly special.

    "I'm going to write the greatest shipfic ever in recorded human HISTORY!!" he shouted at the top of his lungs.

    "Shut up, I'm trying to sleep!" Chrysalis scolded him.

    He ignored her and continued: "This shipfic will be so great, so wonderful, so awesome that scribes and pharisees of the far-flung future will craft homilies of glory and approbation in honor of my mastery and dominance of the written word!  Minstrels and bards some five centuries hence will sing hymns dedicated to the sheer eloquence and magnificence which is this shipfic I am to write!  Literary giants will tremble in awe and fear of the sheer awesomeness-ity which is my true and undeniably awesome awesomeness!  There will be no other shipfics to rival this one in scope and scale!  It will be the standard to which all other shipfics will be measured and found wanting!"

     "Shut UP!  Mike!  SHUT UP!" Chrysalis shouted.  "Honestly!  I don't know WHY I even put up with you!"

     "Come on, Chrysi, you know you love me!" he grinned.

     "You've been planning on writing this shipfic for the past three months!  So go on and write it already!"

     He sat down at the computer desk, a can of Rockstar Brand energy drink in one hand and a slice of the World's Greatest Pizza in the other.  He was all set to start writing until he shouted his frustration.

     "DAMN IT!" he shouted.  He could not type with his hands full.  So he sat down his drink and put his slice of pizza back in its box.  The only reason the pizza place was called World's Greatest was due to the fact that it was the only pizza place on the Changeling Queen's planet.  He gazed at the blank screen feeling a sense of helplessness, a realization of hopelessness came over him.  He was suffering from writer's block.

      "DAMN IT!!" he shouted as he pounded his fists down upon the computer desk, upsetting the can of drink, spilling its contents all over the keyboard.

      "Will you SHUT UP already!" Chrysalis shouted, losing her patience.

      "I need another can of energy drink, Chrysi," he moaned.  "And I need to get another keyboard, this one's fried again."

      "DAMN IT!!" she shouted.  "Not again!"

      "I guess the greatest shipfic ever written in recorded human history is going to have to wait," he grumbled.

      "Are you coming to bed or what?" Chrysalis asked slyly.

      "Yeah, yeah, whatever," he muttered as he made his way upstairs to their bedroom.