Kickflankia

by HeatherIsBestPlayer

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Adventure
Length: 1564

Prince Blueblood rallies his associates in order to conquer a donkey micro-nation.

Jealous that Princess Cadence and her new husband rule there own Empire, and wanting to prove that he is worthy of his title, Prince Blueblood rallies his associates in order to conquer a donkey micro-nation. But will this turn out to be more than the Prince can handle.

A MLP FiM parody of TGWTG.com's 'Kickassia'. I OWN NOTHING! PLEASE DON"T SUE!

Cover image by TTTurboman

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-18 23:20:01 UTC

Gathering the team

There is a nation called... Donkania. A micro-nation, to be precise. Located just outside of Ponyville, in the magical land of Equestria. It is a small spec of land... One point three acres to be exact. But through a strange loophole, it is technically considered... a nation. It is run by a Donkey named Cranky Doodle, who has declared himself the proud President of this land.

For the most part Donkania is a quiet, simple, gentle land, that is yet to subject itself to any intense, hostile violence. That... is where Prince Blueblood comes in.

Cranky Doodle Donkey was sitting in his armchair in his living room, reading a newspaper. Beside him, in a rocking chair, was his wife Matilda, who was reading a book. They were enjoying another peaceful afternoon together when they suddenly heard a knock at their front door.

“I wonder who that could be,” said Matilda.

Cranky set down his news paper and got up and walked over to the door. He opened it to discover a white unicorn stallion with a blond mane and tail and a compass rose cutiemark.

“Hello, I’m Prince Blueblood. Nephew of the Princesses, and all around spectacular guy,” said the stallion.

Cranky said nothing as he just stared back at the stranger.

“I’m fine,” said Blueblood after a few seconds. “Anyway, I notice that you have your own nation here. You must be very proud.”

Cranky still said nothing.

Blueblood continued. “But to be fair, it is not very big, and you are not very big. So lets just cut to the chaise. I am going to… invade you. My army is going to take you down, conquer Donkania, and claim it as our own. Now, don’t go getting any bright ideas. Don’t try to fight back or anything like that. My army is quite literally unstoppable, unbeatable, and of course, invincible; where as you are, well, just you." Blueblood chuckled. "So, why don’t we make it easier for both of us and I’ll give you twenty-four hours to pack your things and get out. Deal?”

Cranky slammed the door in Blueblood’s face.

With a sigh, Blueblood turned around and walked away, shaking his head. “Why do they always want to do it the hard way?” he thought out loud.

...

Back inside the house, Matilda looked at her husband as he walked away from the door. “Who was that, dear?” she asked.

“Some nut,” Cranky said simply as he sat down in his chair beside her again and picked his newspaper back up in his hooves.

…

That afternoon, back at his big expensive home in Canterlot, Prince Blueblood was sitting at his large wooden desk, hovering over a map of Equestria. A tiny spot on the map labeled 'Donkainia' was circled with red marker.

Blueblood grinned to himself. “Ahhhh… Donkania…” he said greedily. His horn glowed with a light blue aura as he picked up his cell phone that was lying on his desk with his magic (Yes, they have phones in this story. Deal with it.) and began to call his associates one by one.

After a few moments, a voice answered, “Hello?”

“It’s time,” said Blueblood, and then hung up the phone.

He repeated this process with all sixteen of his associates. After he was finished, he set the phone down on his desk and got up from his chair. He was about to walk away, but at that moment the cell phone began ringing. He picked it back up and answered it. “Hello?”

“Uh… yeah, what does ‘It’s time’ mean?” asked Dumbbell, one of the Cloudsdale jocks.

“What?” asked Blueblood.

“I don’t know. You just called me up and said ‘It’s time’ like I’m supposed to know what that means,” said Dumbbell.

“Get on the wagon, Dumbbell! It’s the takeover of Donkania!” said Blueblood, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“The take over of what?” asked Dumbbell.

Suddenly, Blueblood noticed he was getting another call. “Hold on. I’m getting another call.” He switched connections to this new called. “Hello?”

“Hey,” said Trixie. “Yeah, what’s this ‘It’s time’ thing you’re talking about?”

“Don’t you know?!” exclaimed Blueblood.

“No.”

Blueblood sighed. “Look, it doesn’t matter. Just meet me in Donkania.”

“Where?” asked Trixie.

Suddenly, Blueblood noticed he was getting yet another call. “Hold on. I got another call.” He switched connections again. “Hello?”

“Yes, it’s three twenty two PM, nephew,” said Princess Luna.

“What?” Blueblood asked, confused.

“I thought you wanted to know what time it was,” said Luna.

Blueblood groaned in frustration. “NO! I’m telling you it IS time.”

“Yes. And that time is three twenty two PM,” said Luna.

“No, I…” Suddenly, Blueblood noticed he was getting yet another call. “Hold on. I got another call.” He switched connections again. “Hello?”

“I’m behind you one hundred and ten percent, your highness!” said Pony Joe. “All other competitive pastry shops that serve donuts in Equestria shall be blown sky high! And from here on out, if any pony wants donuts, they’ll have to come to ME!” Pony Joe started laughing maniacally.

Blueblood narrowed his eyes in confusion. “Wait a minute. What are you talking about?”

Joe stopped laughing. “Wait. What are YOU talking about?”

“The invasion of Donkania!”

“What is Donkania?”

“I…” Suddenly, Blueblood noticed he was getting yet another call. “Hold on. I’ll get back to ya.” He switched connections again. “Hello?”

“Um, yes, I have three twenty four on my watch, Blueblood, but I think Princess Luna’s clock is more accurate,” said Fancy Pants.

“Arg…” Suddenly, Blueblood noticed he was getting yet another call. “Hold on a minute.” He switched connections again. “Hello?”

“Me again,” said Fancy Pants.

“Sorry,” said Blueblood. He switched connections again. “Hello?”

“Hi,” said Trixie. “Still running on confused here.”

Blueblood facehoofed. “Look, it’s difficult to explain,” he said. “Just meet me in Donkania. It’s near Ponyville.”

“Okay, I’ll just, uh, WALK over to Ponyville,” said Trixie sarcastically.

“I’ll book you a train!” said Blueblood angrily.

“When?” said Trixie.

“I don’t know!” said Blueblood in frustration. “I can barely keep track of who I’m talking too." Just then Blueblood remembered something. "Oh, that reminds me, I have to call Soarin.”

“Who?”

“The Wonderbolt who likes pie!” said Blueblood.

“Oh, yeah. He’s funny,” said Trixie.

“Yes.” Suddenly, Blueblood noticed he was getting yet another call. He switched connections again. “Hello?”

“Three twenty three PM,” said Luna.

“Go away, aunty Luna,” said Blueblood. He then hung up and dialed Hoity Toity's number. “Hey, Hoity Toity?”

“Guilty as charged,” Hoity responded.

“Any chance you got Soarin’s number?” asked Blueblood.

“Your mom has Soarin’s number,” said Hoity.

“Shut up!” growled Blueblood and hung up. He opened a drawer and pulled out a phone book. After looking up Soarin’s number in the phone book, Blueblood dialed his number. After a few seconds, a machine answered.

“Believe it or not, Soarin isn’t at home. Leave a message… at the beep…”

Blueblood hung up in frustration. “I wonder if Spitfire is onboard,” he said to himself as he dialed her number.

Spitfire’s voice answered. “Hello?”

“Spitfire, it’s time,” said Blueblood.

“It’s time!?”

“Yes. We are taking over the land of Donkania,” said Blueblood.

“We’re taking over Donkania!?”

“I know, right. So get your stuff together and come down to…”

“Oh, by the way, this has been my answering machine the whole time,” said Spitfire’s answering machine. “Leave a message at the beep.”

Blueblood sat frozen. He wasn’t quite sure what to think.

“Let’s see if Twilight Sparkle is available.” He hung up and dialed her number.

Twilight answered, “Hello?”

“Twilight Sparkle, I need your help. We are taking over Donkania!”

“Oh, yeah, uh… I’d love to help, your highness, but… I’ve kinda gotten myself into a little bit of a jam here.”

“Huh? What’s up?”

“Well… another one of my spells went horribly wrong, and me and all my friends kind of got sucked into a horror story. Freak accident. Now we have to defeat Princess Molestia, restore harmony to the kingdom, and Spike’s been acting kind of like a jerk.”

“Well excuuuuuuuuuuuuse ME, Princess!” Blueblood heard Twilight’s baby dragon say to her over the phone.

Blueblood’s eyes went wide at everything he had just heard. “Wow, Miss Sparkle, your life kind of sucks.”

Twilight sighed. “Yeah, I know.”

Suddenly he noticed he was getting yet another call. “Hold on, another call,” he said. He switched connections again. “Hello?”

“Three twenty four PM,” said Luna.

Blueblood sighed. “Okay, look, I’m putting everypony on speakerphone.” He made the necessary adjustments to his phone. “There! Can you all hear me?”

“Yes,” said Pony Joe.

“Yes,” said Trixie.

“Yes,” said Dumbbell.

“Yes,” said Luna.

“Yes,” said Fancy Pants.

“No,” said Hoity Toity. “Oh, I mean yes.”

“Look,” said Blueblood. “We are taking over the land of Donkania. I want you all to come to Ponyville so we can prepare for the invasion.”

“And where are we going to stay?” asked Pony Joe.

“It’s okay,” said Blueblood. “I booked everypony a hotel room.”

…

Three days later, Dumbbell, Hoops, Score, Trixie, Princess Luna, Donut Joe, Fancy Pants, Hoity Toity, Caramel, Gilda, Gustav, Big Macintosh, Atlas, Flim & Flam, and Vinyl Scratch were all in a cramped hotel room together with their luggage.

“Gee, I didn’t see that one coming,” said Dumbbell sarcastically as he rolled his eyes.