Stupid Human Tricks

by totallynotabrony

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Human, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Sapphire Shores
Length: 2139

Constant Clock’s boss expects him to take care of a celebrity, Sapphire Shores. What does the famous Pony of Pop want from a lowly government employee? And who thought it would be a good idea to bring a human circus to Equestria?

Constant Clock’s boss expects him to take care of a celebrity, Sapphire Shores. What does the famous Pony of Pop want from a lowly government employee? And who thought it would be a good idea to bring a human circus to Equestria?

Published 2013-01-15 02:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-15 02:20:01 UTC

Story

Another fine story from the Battleships Universe

Stupid Human Tricks

“Are you sure nopony will recognize you?” asked Constant. He braced himself as the trolley swayed side to side on the rough street tracks of Fillydelphia.

The mare sitting next to him nodded and waved a hoof. “Don’t worry about it. I go out incognito all the time.”

Without her signature outfits and makeup, Sapphire Shores did look rather ordinary. Her pale coat and blue locks did not draw much attention, and neither did her seashell cutie mark.

The unicorn ran a hoof through his chocolate mane and shrugged. “I just don’t want you getting mobbed by paparazzi. We wouldn’t have agreed to let you tag along if it was going to hurt the investigation.”

Sapphire playfully bumped him in the shoulder with her hoof. Their respective coats were nearly the same color, Constant just slightly darker. She grinned. “You won’t even know I’m there.”

The stallion was not convinced, but said nothing. He watched Sapphire look around. Constant couldn’t recall where she was from, but judging by her tourist-like enthusiasm it probably wasn’t Fillydelphia. The morning sun was still low, casting the buildings in a golden light. He’d lived for several years in the city, and knew it well.

Constant’s cutie mark was a pocket watch, which indicated that maybe someday he would take over the family timepiece-making business. At the moment, he worked for the Royal Intelligence Service. While not one of the hotshot agents, he had an eye for small details. That, and a few other abilities.

“I hope we’re not going to be late,” said Sapphire.

“We aren’t,” Constant assured her.

The mare turned to him. “What time is it?”

“Two minutes, and twenty five seconds past seven o’clock,” he replied automatically. Sapphire grinned and went back to looking out the window. Time itself happened to be Constant’s special talent, which seemed to amuse a lot of ponies.

By his count, the trolley dropped them off at Fillydelphia Stadium six minutes and forty one seconds later. In the early morning, the place was mostly abandoned. The stallion glanced over his shoulder. “Remember, don’t touch anything and try not to talk.”

Sapphire made a face. “How am I supposed to practice? The whole point of this is to give me something to work off of when we start making the movie.”

The mare had forged her celebrity status through pop music, but was now considering a career change. She’d been offered a film role as a Royal Intelligence Service detective, and had taken it. The real RIS had agreed to show her what it was like. Constant remembered the conversation with his boss, Sugar Song. She had looked at him from across her desk. “You’re nondescript enough to balance out Ms. Shores. Just keep her out of trouble, and show her what she wants to see.”

Constant had never particularly cared for his boss.

The two ponies walked into the stadium. A few pieces of equipment had been set up, and more was gathered ready to go. Constant had seen showbills for the event around the city. A circus troupe from Earth was setting up for a few shows, the first of which would start that afternoon. From what he understood, tickets were selling well. It wasn’t often a pony got the chance to see bipedal acrobats, “magic” shows, and exotic animals from another dimension.

The crime that brought the RIS to the circus was a series of suspicious disappearances. As Constant understood it, in every city the circus had gone, young ponies had mysteriously disappeared.

“It sounds dreadful,” commented Sapphire. “What could be happening to them?”

Constant shrugged. “My first guess would be young ponies running away to join the circus. My second guess would be a traveling serial killer.”

The mare gasped. “Those aren’t very pleasant options.”

“The humans have this expression; Occam’s Razor. It says that the simplest explanation is usually the correct one. Those two ideas are the simplest I can think of.”

The two of them hung around, listening to several RIS agents interrogate various carneys. Lion tamers to strong men to side acts to managers. They all confirmed that more ponies had recently been hired, more at every city. They even found one of the new employees, a young colt, and got him to admit that the circus was a terrific adventure away from home.

“Well, everything looks wrapped up,” noted Constant, turning away. “That was easy.”

“Wait!” sputtered Sapphire. “That’s it? There’s no case? We aren’t going to slap on cuffs and haul them downtown?”

“Just how many cop shows from Earth have you been watching?” Constant shook his head.

Sapphire reluctantly followed him away from the circus. “What now?”

“Well, I don’t have anything else assigned to me right now. Why don’t you go back to your hotel and I’ll call you if something comes up?” That was not exactly what Sugar Song ordered him to do, but it should at least keep Sapphire out of trouble.

She smiled. “Can I buy you breakfast first?”

“I had plans already, sorry.” Constant threw a little extra regret into his voice. No need to make himself seem gruffer than necessary.

They parted company. Constant turned towards a small diner near the RIS office. He walked in and got a seat near the back. A slim man with a short haircut came in before the waitress finished delivering menus. He sat down across from the unicorn. This was Kevin Daniels, a fellow law enforcement agent from the other side of the dimensional doorway, and one of the few humans Constant associated with. He was good at his job, and other than perhaps Constant himself, the most on-time creature the pony knew.

“How’s it going?” asked Daniels, reaching for a menu.

Constant sighed. “I hate celebrities.” He went on to explain the ordeal he’d been through just meeting and getting acquainted with Sapphire Shores.

Daniels frowned. “You get the case solved before breakfast, and she complains it’s too easy? As someone who’s been shot at on several occasions, I live for the easy ones.”

“As somepony who’s been shot at, I agree completely.” Constant ordered his meal when the waitress came back. He carried on a conversation with Daniels, things any cop could make small talk about. There was no harm in revealing where he’d been that morning.

“I saw that circus troupe once,” recalled Daniels. “My daughter liked it. I’ve never been a fan of clowns.”

Neither was Constant. They finished breakfast and said goodbye to each other.

Back at the office, Constant hung around and tried not to be noticed. He was pretty good at it, having spent long hours doing research or analysis for other agents that often took to the field. Nothing came his way for a few hours until he got a phone call. It was Sapphire.

“I was hoping I could invite you to lunch,” she said. "I’m getting bored of the hotel, and there’s a nice restaurant I heard about near where you work. I also had a few things I wanted to go over with you to help improve the character I’ll be playing.”

He couldn’t really fault Sapphire for that, especially if she was buying. Constant agreed to meet her. He left the office, finding the place easily enough. It was rather upscale, not an eatery for the average lunch.

Constant was seated and waited for Sapphire. She came in and joined him.

“Nice place,” he ventured.

“Yes, I think so.”

“Did you come straight from the hotel?” he asked.

“That’s right.” Sapphire consulted the menu.

Constant turned to his own, but something was bothering him. After a short while, he put it down again. “Just a moment.”

In the back hallway near the restrooms, he asked a server to borrow a telephone. The call wasn’t long, but it put him a little more at ease. After returning to the table, Sapphire gave him a big smile. “I have something to show you. I got tickets to the circus!”

“I don’t know if I’m allowed to go.” That was a nicer way of saying that he didn’t want to go. With her.

“You’re supposed to be accompanying me. I’m trying to explore some new acting methods. I’m thinking that my character will be collected and serious at work, but likes to see shows and do fun things in her spare time.”

“All right,” Constant reluctantly agreed. He supposed that it might be better than sitting in the office all day.

The two of them ate. The food was excellent, and priced to match. Sapphire handled the bill and they set off for the stadium. A crowd had already gathered, mostly young ponies and their parents, but with a random person or two mixed in. Jolly music and bright colors added to the atmosphere, and Constant admitted that maybe this wouldn’t be so bad.

Once the crowd had found seats, the performance took off. One minute, eight seconds late, Constant noted. Despite that, it was rather entertaining. After all, they’d promised a spectacle he’d never seen before. A human circus certainly qualified.

Flying through the air with no wings or magic to catch them were the acrobats. They were certainly well-practiced and almost ridiculously brave. The animal handlers showed impressive poise and talent in training their costars. That elephant could have easily broken its trainer in half instead of lifting her daintily with its trunk. The illusionists went about their craft skillfully. It was hard to believe they weren’t using magic. The clowns—wait, how did so many fit inside that car?

Constant spared a glance at Sapphire. Her hoof was close to his, almost touching. He moved slightly, making sure the small gap would not be bridged. She noticed.

Sapphire leaned in close. “Sorry, but I was trying to work on a romantic date scene. I hate to pull you into something like that, but it would really help me practice.”

“I’m married.” Constant put a little bit of finality in his tone. He thought that his single statement did all the explaining that he needed to do. Sapphire turned back to the performance, a slightly frustrated look in her eyes.

The show was over in the late afternoon. The two of them walked among the happy crowd exiting the stadium. They turned back towards the hotel. The stallion glanced behind him and then turned to Sapphire. “Can I ask you a question?”

She smiled. “Sure.”

“I estimate that it takes seventeen minutes to travel from the hotel to the restaurant. Add a minute or two for you to get downstairs after making the call and board a trolly, and let’s call it an even twenty. From the time you called me to the time you walked into the restaurant, fourteen minutes passed. Why is that?”

A trace of emotion quickly flashed across Sapphire’s face. “I made the call from a shop along the way.”

“But you told me that you came straight from the hotel.”

“What does it matter?” asked Sapphire, her voice rising.

“I don’t know.” Constant shrugged. “But I know someone who does.”

Sapphire followed his gaze to the man walking quietly behind the two of them. He held up a camera and grinned. “Thanks for calling me from the restaurant, Constant. You were right, something fishy was going on.”

“Who are you?” demanded Sapphire.

“I’m a friend,” said Daniels. “I hung around and watched the two of you. More importantly, I found the photographer you had taking pictures. He told me that you were cooking up some plan to generate publicity for your movie based on a gossip-magazine story about you having relationship with a real RIS agent. In the right context, those pictures might have looked like that.”

“You can’t prove it!”

Daniels shrugged and showed her the back of the camera, which was open and had exposed the film. “Neither can you.” He tossed her the camera.

Sapphire stared at the two of them and then turned suddenly, stalking away in a huff. Constant stared after her and then looked up at Daniels. “Ever have a hunch that turned out to be even more right than you expected?”

The man shrugged. “A couple of times. Luckily all she was trying to do was frame you for fooling around.”

“My wife would kill us both.” Constant chuckled. “How did you get her photographer to talk, anyway?”

“I played the big scary human card.” Daniels laughed. “Works every time.”

Constant shook his head. Magic or not, the world was full of tricksters. He was just lucky to have a few of them on his side.

Author's Note

Ugh, I'm never taking this long to write a story again. This has been sitting around unfinished since March.