Wanderings of a Non-Brony

by BronyWriter

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Original Character, Comedy, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Human, Main 6
Length: 103319

TD's journey around the lands outside of Equestria

After leaving Ponyville, the human TD Harrison Powell finds himself in even stranger territory than the land of the ponies. Will he find his way home? Or will he find out that he should have stayed in Ponyville under the watchful eyes of the Royal Sisters after all?

Edited by the amazing Jack Kellar and Marioland1

Special thanks to MyHobby for the cover art!!

Published 2013-01-06 16:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-11-18 03:01:03 UTC

He Was Never the Center

Morning has arrived.

Even after all the time that has passed, one of the first things I think of is how many mornings it’s been since he left. I lost count a while ago.

I push the blanket off me with a burst of telekinesis and hop out of my bed. I smell apple cinnamon pancakes, my favorites. Spike is definitely already up and making breakfast.

I take a few seconds to comb my mane before heading down to the kitchen, where, as I am thankful to see, Spike has already finished making the pancakes. "Morning, Twilight," he greets me.

"Good morning, Spike," I reply with a smile.

"Breakfast is ready, if you want to dig in. I think the syrup is in the pantry if you want any."

I nod and use my magic to bring the syrup, and drizzle it over the two pancakes Spike has put on a plate in front of me. Then, I'm digging in. I hadn't realized how hungry I was when I first woke up.

As I chew, Spike puts this morning's mail in front of me, and I idly leaf through the various letters. Most of them are junk.

I have long since given up on TD actually sending anything. You know, something like 'I'm alright, here's where I am and what I'm doing. I'm not dead so don't worry about me.' or anything just as simple. But no, I've never received anything like that. To my knowledge, none of the others have either. Even Pinkie Pie has stopped getting Pinkie Sense signals about him. Granted, she got one twitch that told us the vague direction he was headed, but that was... Eighteen months ago.

Wow, has it really been that long?

A quick math count tells me that yes, it has. A year and a half. It's a long time for anypony to be gone without notice... or to be dead, one of the two. The world outside the borders isn't always as kind and peaceful as our lands. I can't deny the possibility that TD got himself into trouble he couldn't get himself out of.

I sigh as I flip over the last envelope. My heart leaps when I see who it is from. It's from Rainbow Dash! Spike must have noticed my smile. He has one too. "Letter from RD, huh?" he says. "She getting along well with the Wonderbolts?"

I tear the letter open almost instantly. As I begin reading it, I notice that, to my surprise, the letter is uncharacteristically short. Normally she sends letters that the untrained eye could mistake for books, and the five of us tend to respond in kind. This one, however, this one was only a few sentences. Even so, the contents of it almost makes my head spin. "Spike, I need to go see Applejack," I say.

"Applejack? Why her?” He comes closer. “Is it about the letter?" I flip the paper over to him. His jaw drops. "Is she sure?"

"As sure as she can be, from what she's saying.” I notice how I'm pawing at the floor with my front hooves. “I need to show this to Applejack! She'll know what to do!"

Spike isn't as excited as me, though. He scratches his head. "Isn't it better to tell the princesses? They'd be better equipped to act on this."

I shake my head. "No, they have bigger things to worry about. Besides, do you seriously think he would be open to that at all?"

Spike doesn't have to think much before he shakes his head. "I guess not," he says, opening the door. "Tell me what Applejack thinks!"

"Will do!" I say as I grab the letter and head off in the direction of Sweet Apple Acres. At galloping speed, the trip to the farm only takes about five minutes, and it isn't long until I find myself surrounded by the familiar scent of apples and the many rows of loaded fruit trees that all of Ponyville has learned to associate with the local apple farm since many years ago. The aroma of fresh apple pie wafting from the house is more than a little relaxing.

Thunk.

Oh, Applejack is here.

Thunk.

I smile when I see my farmer friend bucking an apple tree only fifteen meters or so from where I am. There aren't many trees around her that are surrounded by filled buckets; looks like she's only just started her day. She sees me and stops. "Well howdy do there, Twilight. How are ya today?"

"I'm doing well, Applejack. How about you?"

Applejack looks over all the trees. Her smile falters a little. "Big Mac hurt himself again and can't do his part of the harvest. It's just me for right now." She turns to me and raises a leg defensively. "But don't y'all think that I'm not gonna accept help right now. It's just for today."

I put up a comforting hoof to brake that train of thought. "Don't worry, AJ, I'm not here for that."

"Ah didn't think so," she says with a smile, taking the hat off and wiping her brow of the sweat that built up there. "So, what are ya here for, then?"

I presented the letter to her. "Rainbow wrote me. She said that there's another potential sighting of TD. He might be around the Zebra lands."

Excitement, intrigue, a desperate need to go get that lunatic and bring him back to Ponyville, anything like that. Of all the reactions I predicted, exasperation is not one of them, but it's exactly what she's showing. She takes off the hat again, sighs and closes her eyes.

I frown at her reaction. "AJ, are you–"

"Sugar cube, Ah gotta be honest with ya right now." My frown deepens as she takes another breath before continuing on. "Twi, ya need to let 'im go."

What? "AJ, what are you talking about? He could be in a lot of trouble! He could–"

"Twilight, Ah know this must be hard to hear, but there ain't nothin' we can do for him," she tries to placate me.

"But he could be in danger!" I plead. "And it's my fault for not paying attention to when he was leaving! I can't just let him go!"

"Twilight, what else could we have done that would've protected his privacy? You and I both know hog-tyin' him like some animal wasn't the right thing!"

"So what do we do, then?!” I yell out. “Just leave him to get himself killed out there?! You know how dangerous the outlands can be!"

"Yeah, Ah do," she admits. "But that was his choice."

I'm silent as I mull over Applejack's words. There she is, being the Element of Honesty again.

"Answer this for me, sugar cube: if you did run into him again in the minotaur lands or Zebrica or even, Celestia forbid, the Badlands to the south, what would you say to him?"

"I'd tell him to come back!” is my instant answer. “I'd tell him how much we miss him, that he had a good life here and he shouldn't throw it away like he did."

"And if he still refused to come back after all that, would you force him to?"

That question catches me off guard. It takes a second of stuttering for me to come up with a response. "N-No, of course I wouldn't."

"Why?"

“Because it's wrong!”

“And why is that wrong?”

I can't come up with an answer. Ugh, why does my brain feel frozen?! Where is she even going with this?

"I'll tell ya why, Twi,” AJ cuts me off before I can talk. “That's because he already felt like a prisoner here in Equestria even without us makin' it official."

"But he wouldn't be!" I blurt out. "He–"

She shakes her head. How can she be so solemn? "Let's not kid ourselves, sugar cube: he would leave again if we brought him back here against his will. He wouldn't be content to just sit here, he'd want to be out there doin' exactly what he's doin' right now. There ain't nothing we can do short of lockin'im in his house with a bunch of royal guards in there to keep'im on a leash, and do you think he'd like that option?"

I know she's right, but it's hard to face it. I walk very slowly to the shade of a tree that's already been bucked and sit down against the trunk. "I still feel responsible for him," I mutter.

"Why?" Applejack asks beside me. "Why do you feel responsible for him? What did TD being here really change?"

"It changed a lot!" I blurt out, turning to face her. "We had a whole other culture that we had never had any kind of contact with before! That changes everything!"

She doesn't look impressed. "Ah'm not gonna back y'all up on that."

I scowl. "What do you mean?"

"When he came, did the apple trees buck themselves?” She doesn't give me time to come up with an answer. “Did the weather stop? Did Rarity's dresses make themselves? Did your friendship reports stop? Did Pinkie's parties stop happenin'?"

A second or two pass before I realize she stopped talking. "No, of course not," I finally answer.

"Exactly," Applejack concludes. "Life moved on. All of our lives adjusted to deal with TD, but they didn't change that much. We just kept doin' our things.

“In a way, TD comin' here was just like you comin' here. Our lives did change; we did adjust to a completely new pony who became a big part of our lives. Sure, it's a much bigger part than TD ever was, but still.” She huffs. She looks so spent, like she lost many nights of sleep thinking about it. “If y'all left Ponyville, I'd still have apples to buck, Rarity would still have dresses to make, and Pinkie Pie would still have parties to throw. If you left to travel the outlands, particularly if you were doin' it outta your own free will, even if we didn't agree with ya goin', it's not our place to stop ya. It's your choice alone, and no matter how much we love you, we ain't got the final say in the matter. We can only advise you."

I decide against speaking, mostly because I'm not sure what to say. She's right, and much as I hate it I have to admit she is, but... "So you don't want to see if we can find him," I grumble with my eyes closed.

A foreleg wraps around my withers. "Ah never did, even in those first few weeks when we were still hearin' about him in Equestria proper. He wanted to leave, that was his choice. It wasn't our right to keep him here. He was never central to anythin'. He never had a duty to Equestria. At most, he was a curiosity. He's his own pony and he has the right to travel across the planet if he wants to."

Despite myself, I nod. "So we shouldn't act on Rainbow Dash's information."

She rubs my back. It's more comforting than I'd like to admit. "What would be the point? Even if we did find him, then it'd only be so he could tell us that he's still lookin' for a way outta here. If Ah recall correctly, you said that he Pinkie Promised that if he didn't find a way home, then he'd settle down here and be done with the whole thing... and despite how bad things got before the end, Ah think he learned to not break a Pinkie Promise."

"But what if he was trapped somewhere and we would be rescuing him by looking for him?” I implore weakly. “You said yourself you know how bad it can be outside Equestria..."

"Sugar cube," Applejack points out, "Zebrica and the Crystal Empire are friendly to Equestria. Griffonia, the buffalo tribes and even the Minotaur clans ain't against us. If he's in Zebra lands, he should be fine."

"But we can't say the same about the changelings..." I retort.

“Nopony's seen any of them near Zebrica, Twi.”

That last bit has Applejack and I spending a good few minutes staring at each other in silence. I want to say something, anything that'll convince Applejack that we do need to go retrieve TD, but I know that if she feels like we shouldn't interfere, even though he could be in danger, then she won't, and there's nothing I can say that will change her mind. She's stubborn like that.

"So that's it, then."

Applejack nods. “Ah know you want him back. We all do, all of us are concerned 'bout him. But right now, we gotta do our best to go on with our lives. There ain't anything we can do 'bout it, sugar cube, and there ain't been for more than a year. Someday, there might be, but we can't keep focusin' on the future and forget about the present."

I nod, but I still don't feel right. After saying goodbye to Applejack, I go back to the library.

Crystals

It's cold. I am cold. Very, very cold.

Of course, that might have something to do with the fact that there's a snowstorm like nothing I've ever seen blowing all around my head right now. I've gotten pretty used to all of that by this point, though, having walked through it for the past three days and all.

Or at least, I think it's been three days... It's hard to tell by this point. All this ice blots out the sunlight, so I've just been digging shelters whenever it picks up. I knew I should have packed a watch.

Tightening my grip on Reginald, I resume the trek. If the map and information I got are correct, then I should be able to find the shield pretty soon, even through the snow. Seriously, it's a gigantic pink force field, how can anyone miss it?

As it turns out, it's a pretty hard and easy thing to do at the same time, because ten seconds or so of trudging through knee-deep snow later, the white in front of me becomes a glowy reddish-pink, but when I turned more than an eighth of a circle in any direction, it faded back into white. I probably would have never seen it if I had trudged in an even slightly different direction. It's a bit of a scary thought.

I flex my left hand a bit to get a ghost of feeling in it. When I can finally sense the padding inside the glove, I slowly extend three fingers, reaching out to touch the shield.

To my delight, they all pass through with pretty much no resistance, and I find them bathed in the warmth of whatever it is that heats the city. Based on what I've heard about this place, it's most likely the crystal heart – there wasn't a mention of anything nearly as magical as it in any of my references, and, as I confirm when I'm fully inside the bubble, it's not the sun either. In any case, whatever it is that warms this place up doesn't matter, as long as it keeps being warm and cozy. It's certainly a step up from the snow.

Heck, it's a big step up from a lot of places I was in lately.

I turn my eyes down from the overcast sky outside the shield, and instantly close them. The sheer spectacle of an entire city made out of crystal, with the consequent reflections and glints, hurts my eyes at first, and I have to blink and squint until they get used to the gleam of the place, which actually takes a little while.

The civilized part of the place isn't a long ways from the edge of the force field; I shouldn't have to walk for more than a quarter mile before I'm in the city proper. Either whatever is powering the shield doesn't have the strength to make it larger than “large enough”, or it's just plain old convenience.

After one last blink, I start thinking about more practical problems, namely getting inside the urban zone. I'd rather meet whoever I have to inside the city itself than outside.

Now that they're not numb from the cold any longer and had a minute to rest during my bout of thinking, my legs start to feel sore and heavy. The walk stretches on and on, and I start to think again. Now that I'm here, what is my plan? I guess I'll do what I've always done: try to find whoever leads this land. If they can't help, then I'll move on. Keep things simple.

Let me tell you, the sheer scope of the buildings makes this the most impressive city I've been to so far. Far more impressive than anything that the griffins pulled off for sure.

Of course, an entire city made of crystal is pretty hard to one-up.

Ah here we are, the locals and I are beginning to make contact now. They're staring at me, like I knew that they would. At least they're not afraid of the sasquatch I look like now – thanks to limited opportunities for proper shaving and haircuts, my hair grew to shoulder length and I'm sporting a rather bushy beard. I've become rather adept at trimming with my knife, though, so I shouldn't look completely terrible, though it's kinda hard to judge without a mirror to check.

Let's see... There should be a castle of some sort in the middle of the city. If there is one, then that is probably where the big figures of this realm live. They're my best shot at, if not getting the trip home, at least being pointed in the right direction.

It's just a few minutes until I hear a loud 'HALT!!' behind me as I walk down what looks like a semi-empty residential area. I expected as much. I sigh and turn around to face the two crystal ponies that have their spears pointed at my midsection.

"Yes, what is it?" I inquire.

"Who are you?” the one on the left, a stallion, asks. “What are you doing here?"

"First off, someone who's been out on that snow for a long time now. Secondly, I'm here to meet your emperor or empress or whoever your leaders are."

That makes them even more suspicious. They begin advancing towards me, slowly, with their spears still pointed at my stomach. Maybe it's just the crystal they're made of, but they look very sharp. "What is your business with Princess Cadence and Prince Shining Armor?" the other one, a mare, questions.

"If these are your royals, I wish to speak with them. It'll be quick."

"You will have no 'business' with them if you don't act clearly with us, stranger,” the first one to speak says as his eyes narrows. “And if you have no business with them, then you must leave at once."

I scoff. "Yeesh. Do you guys always receive visitors like this?"

They advance even more, not content.

"Hey, look, how about we put the spears down? I'm not looking for trouble here."

"If you do not answer at least one of the questions in the next two seconds, we will be forced to escort you out of the boundaries," the mare warns.

“Even if I did, you've probably never heard of me, so what's the point?”

The stallion is close enough to poke me with his spear by this point. “Enough of your word games, creature. Leave now and you won't have to nurse a shoeprint.”

Ah, so they want to play it rough. Well then, two can share the board. “Yeah, well-” I cut myself off by wrenching Reginald to the left with my right hand, knocking the guard's weapon away from my stomach and getting him off-balance. Before he can recover from it or the mare can respond, I quickly grip the staff with both hands and smack her on the helmet with it. It ends up sounding just like someone hitting a small gong.

Okay, so now she's dazed and the other one is readying to charge. Dang it! Out of desperation, I lock the mare in a choke with Reginald pressing against her throat, holding her in a way that leaves her on her hind legs, with her back to my stomach. She thrashes in my grip, her forelegs flailing like crazy, but I don't let go.

“Sergeant!” The other pony quickly skids to a halt, inches from shoving the spearhead into her chest. “Let her go, you filth!”

“Shut your mouth, shiny,” I growl at him over the wheezing of the pony below. “You made me do this.”

He glares, first at me, then at the pony I'm using as a meat shield. She's gurgling something, even though I'm not pressing that tightly, just enough to keep her from gaining any leverage.

“Now you don't do anything stupid, and she doesn't get hurt,” I say. “Got it?”

The stallion takes a pretty long time to answer, so long in fact that I start worrying if he could be charging up a spell or something the books didn't mention. Just as a precaution, I jostle his pal a little, and her gasp is enough to make him relent. “Okay, okay,” he pleads. “What do you want?”

“So you wanna talk now. Good. First off, drop that sharp stick of yours. You could end up hitting somepony with it.” I take a gander just a little lower than his head and I'm instantly glad I did it. “And don't even think of messing with that whistle. In fact, put it down with the spear.”

This time, he's quick to oblige, though he doesn't stop glaring daggers at me as he does as I say. “You're not getting away with this.”

“Shut up. 'This' wouldn't have happened if you just let me see your royals instead of being obsessed about kicking me out. I told you, I'm going to see your Princess one way or another, and you're not stopping me.”

“Good thing there is one right next to you, then.”

I resist the urge to turn to face the newcomer; I could end up releasing the guard I'm holding in the process. Her identity comes in the fraction of a second it takes for my brain to process the voice. “Hello, Celestia.”

“... TD?” Okay, that one I wasn't expecting. She sounds older, more mature, but I'd recognize the accent anywhere. “Is that really you?”

Slowly, me and the guard I'm holding sidestep and turn in a way that the free one never leaves my field of vision, and sure enough, I'm met with the figure of Apple Bloom, standing right there behind Celestia. She's not alone either; the other two Cutie Mark Crusaders are there with her, and the Mane Six as well, to top it all off. They look really surprised at seeing me, which I can relate to. I never imagined I'd see these ponies outside of Ponyville. Or maybe they're just shocked that I'm choking a pony. That could be it, too.

The Crusaders are grown up now, with cutie marks and everything. In fact, they look only a little younger than the Mane Six were when I first came to Ponyville. Speaking of those, they look exactly the same – it's like time hasn't even passed since I left; I wouldn't know better if not for the grown up Crusaders right here. Apple Bloom has a stetson of her own on her head, making her look even older than she already is.

“Drop the guard, TD,” Celestia asks, trying to be conciliatory.

What? “You wish, Princess,” I growl venomously at her. “These two gits are really intent on keeping me out of this place, and she is my only bargaining chip. I'm not throwing away the one chance I have to see whoever runs this place.”

Celestia steps forward. “With all the research you did, TD, I'm surprised you don't remember that the Crystal Empire is an Equestrian protectorate. You are talking to 'whoever runs this place'.” Her face softens a little. “Just drop the guard, and we can talk about this. I understand the guards can be a little overzealous,” she says, glancing at the guard, who starts squirming on his hooves, then back at me, “but you're not making things easier for yourself. Princess Cadance and her husband would not take kindly to a hostage situation.”

I give her a pointed look, which she takes impassively. “No fallout?” I ask simply.

“You'll be fine. I promise.”

“That's not what I asked.”

Celestia huffs. “TD, just give me a vote of confidence for once. You won't be harmed.”

I stare at her. Her poker face is good, but there is some genuine concern showing here. Well, I may not like her, but she's a saint compared to some others. “... you better not make me regret this.” I release my left hand's grip on Reginald and take a few quick steps back when my hostage collapses in a heap, sucking in air like it's something precious.

Her friend is quick to go help her, but I am more interested in those now in front of me. "Hello, everyone," I greet, keeping my voice even. "What can I say? I wish we could have met again in a less problematic situation, but..."

Instead of responding, they all just stare at me. It's starting to make me uncomfortable. Very slowly, Pinkie Pie steps closer to me. I have to expend a bit of self-control to avoid getting back into a fighting stance.

Force of habit, I'm afraid.

I almost react, badly, when she lunges forward. But instead of attacking, she does no more than tackle me into a giant hug, but she does it so hard, I'm knocked to the ground. “Ugh!.. yeah, nice to see you too, Pinkie Pie."

She looks up from where she's nuzzling my chest, and I'm surprised to see a few tears in her eyes. "You... you remember me!" she squeals in happiness and buries her nose in my clothes again.

"Hard to forget Ponyville's pyromaniac party pony," I joke, and am happy to discover that she can take it in stride now, with a giggle even. I scratch the poof of curled hair she calls a mane. "It's good to see you."

With that said, I push her off of me, gently, and stand back up. Twilight is the next to react; she looks rather irate by now. I smile sheepishly at her and kick the ground a bit.

"Six years," she growls. "You were gone for SIX YEARS!!!"

... oh. "S... six?" That's news to me. It sure explains why the Crusaders are so big. "Has it been that long already?"

"Yeah, it has," she seethes. "Six years since you just up and left! Six years since you left us, your friends, behind!!"

Applejack puts a hoof on Twilight's shoulder. "We talked about this, sugar cube," she mutters in Twilight's ear. “He's capable of makin' his own choices."

"No matter who gets hurt in the process..." the unicorn retorts.

"Oh come on, Twilight," I say, trying to play it off. "Were you really that hurt by me leaving? We weren't even that close!"

"It wasn't that you left, it's that you just up and left without a word to anypony! It's like you never trusted us!"

"I didn't trust that you wouldn't try to stop me," I respond curtly. “That’s all.”

"Well maybe because we had good reasons! Do you know how dangerous the outlands are?!"

I have to hold back a laugh at this. "Twilight, I've kind of been traveling them for a few years. I think I know how bad things are even better than you do."

I hear some very noisy hoofsteps from the side Celestia walked off to, and turn to see her approaching with the two guards right in tow. It’s not reassuring at all, even if they’re making a point in not being stealthy, and I have to fight with myself not to ready Reginald for a fight.
They stop just beyond my reach, having apparently noticed my internal conflict. “TD, these two distinct gentleponies have business to attend with you,” the princess announces. Then, she winks at me and mouths something that I can’t exactly understand.

Oh, I am not gonna like this, am I?

After a polite cough, the stallion begins. “Sir, first off, we would like to apologize for the… rude welcome we of the Crystal Empire have given you,” he says a bit reluctantly. “It is our duty to be cautious, but such caution does not condone the actions we took towards an outsider of odd shape.”

“… fine, I guess,” I answer in kind. Now for the catch.

“Now, about the second issue,” the mare I held hostage speaks up. I feel a bit of pride in seeing that her voice isn’t very raspy at all; I really got that choke right. “Legally, you are charged with assault on an authority figure-“

Called it. “Oh no, I’m not having any of that,” I interrupt her, raising my trusty staff back up. I’m ready to attack or defend, whatever it takes. “I’m not gonna let myself get thrown into a cell if I’m alive to stop it.” ‘Not again,’ I promise to myself. ‘Never again.’

“Let her finish, sir,” the other guard asks curtly but politely. Okay, that’s unexpected. After a few seconds of staring them both down, without breaking stance, I spin my right hand in a ‘go on’ gesture.

“May I now?” the female soldier asks, her tone filled with annoyance and a little uncontrolled resentment. I don’t answer, which she takes as a ‘yes’. “As I said, there's the assault charge for us to deal with…” she falters for a fraction of a second, “… however, the circumstances of the incident allow for you to…”

Wow, she’s really choking on her words here.

“… plead self-defense,” she finishes hesitantly.

… what?

I have to clench my teeth together to prevent my jaw from dropping. I expected many outcomes, and this prospect definitely isn’t one of them. “And where are we going with this?” I question the two of them suspiciously.

To my lack of surprise, it’s a certain royal who talks this time. “It means that there must be an investigation about this misunderstanding,” Celestia explains. “Starting on a consultation,” she winks at me again, “with Princess Cadance and Prince Shining Armor.”

Oh. So, just for this, I get to enter the Empire, and get an audition to boot? Hah. I’d gladly take the deal with a big smile if I didn’t know better. I turn a scrutinizing look to her. “That sounds very convenient, but only for me. Maybe even a bit too convenient.”

Everypony, without exception, stands staring unabashed at me. “TD,” mutters Apple Bloom, “correct me if Ah'm wrong, but it sounds like yer accusin' Princess Celestia of foul play.”

Ah, I see, so they're surprised I'm not accepting the offer right away. “Well, Bloom, I have my reasons not to trust your Princess over here very much,” I state. “Like making messes and not being able to clean them for one, right, Celestia?”

Silence reigns over us for a second or two. “TD, just tell me one thing:” she says, “when have I ever intentionally hampered you or your efforts?”

“Intentionally?” I ask, confused. “Er... you never did.”

“And what makes you think I changed my mind about it?”

… point taken, Celestia. "Fine, we'll do this your way." Lowering Reginald, I step closer to the herd, but not without a quick stop to stare down the Princess and the guards one more time. “Just so you three remember, I'm going with you willingly. But if the plan is to throw me in a jail cell for even a damn second, I won't hesitate to use lethal force to escape,” I declare with a finger pointed in their direction. “Got it?”

"TD!" says a shocked Sweetie Belle.

"I have my reasons," I retort without looking back at her.

"And I shall respect them," says Celestia. "I will have a room – a guest room – prepared for your stay when we get to the Palace. Now come.”

She puts a wing on my shoulder as she walks past, as if to guide me. I shrug it off, but she puts it right back up. I sigh in exasperation and, playing her little game for now, begin to walk by her side, followed closely by the Crusaders and the Mane Six.

This is turning out to be interesting; I just hope it's in a good way.

Author's Note

Okay, this may seem like a 'he's a tortured soul now' darker sequel, but I Pinkie Promise that my goal for you here is to make your sides hurt with laughter once more. This is a comedy I swear.

Why?

Remember when I said that the outside of the crystal buildings were a huge step up from most of the places I've been to? Well, the same holds true for the inside of the buildings, apparently, which really isn't much of a surprise to me. This crystal spire we're in right now puts almost every other interior I've laid eyes on to shame.

The hospitality of the crystal ponies increased drastically thanks to the good words from Celestia and the Mane Six. Currently I'm being fed some rather delectable soup, though I did have to deny the offer of hay bread. Who would have thought that crystal carrots actually tasted good to non-ponies? They could even label this stuff as 'exotic food' and sell it for some nice cash.

As it is, though, Celestia and the ponies from Ponyville are all looking expectantly at me as I do my best to empty out the cauldron of soup the servants have gotten us. It doesn't bother me much that I'm being stared at. I'm more worried about getting a full stomach for now.

“It's been far too long since we have seen each other, TD." Of course, they are easier to ignore when they're not talking like Celestia just did. She was probably waiting for me to finish pigging out, but couldn't wait enough.

"Sure has," I retort, setting the plate down. “Back then, you didn't have xenophobic guards.”

The Princess sighs. "You will have to excuse them for that. The ponies around here haven't healed from all of the wounds King Sombra inflicted yet, and a strange creature whose magical properties they have no idea of walks into their kingdom unannounced? You have to understand that they would be a bit wary."

I give her a deadpan look. "Wary is one thing, Celestia. That was something else entirely."

"Wordings aside, again, they feared the unknown,” she explains calmly. “Can you really blame them for that?”

"And it ain't like you helped your case any, sugar cube," Applejack pipes in. "You got pretty hostile with them too."

“Hey, I tried to be civil. They were the ones who wouldn't have any of it." I help myself to another ladleful of soup and take a deep drink of crystal punch. It's really hard to stay mad at people that offer such good grub. “But I think I know what went on. They're suspicious after Sombra, and I'm sick and tired of getting a cold welcome everywhere I go because nobody on this planet's ever heard of a human before. I guess you could call it a series of unfortunate events."

"Where have ya been?" asks Apple Bloom.

I pause to stir the hot soup before answering, "Everywhere."

Nopony says anything for a little while. "When you say everywhere," Twilight prods, "do you mean..."

"I really mean everywhere," I confirm with a nod. "Griffons, Zebras, Minotaurs... I've even run into some Diamond Dogs."

Rarity gasps. "You've met Diamond Dogs? How ghastly!"

"It wasn't the most fun I had on my trip, I'll give you that."

"TD, tell us something: did you run into the..." says Twilight hesitantly after some thinking. "Did you run into the Changelings out there?"

I sigh and put my spoon down, placing my head in my hands and rubbing my temples. "Somehow, I ended up straight in their hive, if you can believe that."

"You met Chrysalis?” Celestia questions immediately.

I nod, and she grimaces, but she's interrupted before she can say anything else. "How was that?" asks Pinkie Pie.
"Honestly? She can be a bit of an idiot," I scoff. "Seriously, some of the stuff she said..." I shake my head and slurp more of the soup. Have I said this is some really good stuff?

"What did she say?" asks Fluttershy with a quirked eyebrow.

I turn my head to the Crusaders. "It's generally not appropriate for foals," I remark.

Apple Bloom gasps indignantly. "Ah ain't no foal no more," she complains. "We're all grown up, and even have our cutie marks!"

I smile at this, glad that she's changing the issue all on her own. "Yeah, I noticed, and I think that's just awesome."

"You weren't there when we got them, though."

My smile falls as I hear the subtle bitterness in Scootaloo's voice. I nervously rub the back of my neck, with my eyes fixed on the food. "Yeah... yeah, I know."

“It's not just that we are mad about, TD,” Scootaloo picks up again, and from the little I can see of her expression, it's not something I'm gonna like to hear. "You didn't leave only us Crusaders in the dust. Do you know how our class reacted when we found out you had abandoned us? You've got no idea what it was like, how it must've been like for Miss Cheerilee to be put on the spotlight when all of us kept asking her where you had gone. She had to calm us down when she didn't have a feathering clue herself, you jerk!" Her anger mounts up until she slams a hoof at the table. At least the crystal is sturdy enough not to crack.

"Scootaloo, watch your language!" Rarity admonishes.

"No, no she's right," I mutter, and the room drowns in silence. Truth be told, I've known for years that this conversation would have to happen if I ever ran across these ponies again. I even practiced it on the off chance that they found me at some point.

But now that I'm sitting here and they're waiting for a justification, I find my carefully chosen words slipping away from me as if I hadn't thought them up at all.

"Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, Apple Bloom...” I start hesitantly, “In all honesty, I would have given quite a bit to be around the day you girls got your cutie marks. Please, know that I mean that. I would have given a lot to see Rainbow Dash's first Wonderbolts performance, Rarity's part on the latest Vanhoover fashion show...” It feels like a weight is beginning to lift off my gut, and the words start to come out more easily. “Any of that, I would have given a lot to see. I know I wasn't very good at communicating this, but after those first few months, I realized you guys meant a lot to me."

"Hmph!” Twilight snorts. “Obviously not enough if you thought a load of notebooks and a scribbled note were goodbye enough."

"What did you want me to do?" I retort. "Did you want me to tell you what I was up to?"

"Yeah!" Sweetie Belle complains. "That would've been the right thing to do!"

"Yeah? Well then: everyone here, raise a hoof if you would have just let me go without trying to stop me at least once." To my surprise, Applejack raises a hoof into the air. I look at her oddly, but she just smiles. Deciding to leave that thought for later, I veer to the rest of the herd, all of which kept their forelegs down. “Now tell me why you'd do that.”

"Because the Outlands are dangerous!" Fluttershy accuses.

"Yeah, I get that part. But haven't you guys done some very dangerous stuff yourselves? Haven't you gone into something not knowing if you had a hundred percent chance of success?” I rest both arms on the table. “You know, something like Nightmare Moon?"

Twilight opens her mouth, but my words sink in and the comeback dies in her mouth. Then, of all ponies, Pinkie Pie is the one to speak up. "TD, I think I'm talking for all of us when I say this: it wasn't a matter of you going. It was that all you left us with was a ton of written paper and a half-hoofed goodbye note," she explains. "I looked at that and was super-duper sad, because I thought it meant that you didn't actually forgive me for that mean prank I pulled. That you just said what you did that other day to make me feel better about it." She bites her lip. "We all thought you didn't care."

"Aw, Pinkie..." I take a deep breath and put my head in my hands again. This is a lot harder to deal with than I thought. "I did care, and I still do. It's just..."

I straighten up again. "It's just that, no matter how much I care about you guys, and no matter how big this planet is, it's still sort of a prison for me. No matter how many friends I have here, as a human, I'm still alone. That is what I'm trying to rectify.

“Look at it this way: Twilight,” I say to the mare in question, “if you lived in a place where there were no other ponies, wouldn't you feel isolated in a way, being the only one of your kind? Without anypony, anypony at all, for you to relate to?"
“No... pony?” She spends several seconds in contemplation, then she nods in complete silence. “I... never thought about it this way before.”

"Exactly. As much as I like you and the others,” I say, staring at them, “Earth is where my people are. Earth is where I belong. Earth is my real home." I quickly glance at the Crusaders. "I would have given anything to prevent my leaving from hurting you in any way. I still would. There were a lot of moments in those first few weeks, when I was still in Equestria, when I wanted to go back to Ponyville, apologize and settle down. There were even some days where I started to... but I kept going. I had to.

"If Twilight's right about how long I've been gone, I'm twenty-seven years old already. I'm in the prime of my life; some of the best times that a guy can have on Earth are during those times. Ten years from now, and that's gone. Every year I spend in Equestria is just another one that I don't spend on Earth." I sigh and stare at the smoking pot of soup before deciding against it. "I know I promised that, if I didn't find a way, I'd settle down and accept the hand your princess dealt me.”

"I dealt you?" questions the only alicorn in the room. "Forgive me for being blunt, TD: I agree in the sense that I started it all off by bringing you here, but all the other moves after that were your own choice.” To my surprise, she snorts, minimally but she does. “And if I may say so, you frankly had a very poor attitude about it."

Instantly, I'm rounding on her with a fire in my eyes. "Well excuse me for not adapting to things like some emotionless thing a bad fanfic author would write off," I growl. “If you're saying I should have accepted things with a smile and a nod... then this conversation is over.” I start pushing my chair back to get up.

"I'm not talking about that," she says with an evenness in her voice that I can't hope to match, but I know she's inflamed under the mask. "I know that some adjustment time is required. But I wonder if you ever took poor events and faults of ponies worse than you should have.” Her gaze becomes pointed. “I wonder if your anger towards me came out against them sometimes."

"Maybe so," I admit, settling back down. "And don't get me wrong, I know I was wrong about it. But do you have any idea what it is like to be thrust into a completely alien situation, where you are the only one of your kind, and you have little to no hope that things can change and go back to the way they were?"

"Yes," she promptly responds, and my jaw drops.

"What?" I reply oh-so-smartly.

"TD, how many other goddesses in Equestria do you know of?" she asks with simplicity.

"You and Luna. That's still one more of your kind than me," I point out.

"And do you know how much older I am than Luna? Do you know for how long I was the only alicorn goddess?”

"No, I don't," I mutter. "Why should I?"

She ignores the – rather petulant, I have to admit in immediate hindsight as I try to avoid facepalming – last part and moves on with the explanation. "Even after Luna came to this world, there was a span of time in which I couldn't relate to her because of the age gap. But then came the time where we were sisters, ruling together. No matter how bad our days got, we always had each other to go to." Celestia takes a deep breath. "And then, Nightmare Moon," she mutters slowly, with a load of sadness in each syllable. "After I banished her to the moon, I found myself alone again, without another alicorn goddess to relate to.

“For a thousand years that went on, each new generation being born and dying before I could truly connect with them in the way that I had my sister."

"It's different," I retort. "You knew Luna would come back to you."

"Did I?" challenges Celestia. "You think I knew what was going to happen with Twilight and the Elements, TD? Even then, do you think it never crossed my mind that, if Twilight and her friends failed, then not only would I have to lose my sister for even longer, I would have also sent six innocent ponies, one of whom I love like a daughter, to their likely doom?”

Twilight blushes at that second-to-last part, but Celestia doesn't take heed of it.

“I have experienced the isolation you felt, TD; I have experienced it for longer than you can comprehend as you are. Not only that, but despite those feelings, I had to control the sun and the moon as well as make sure billions of ponies would be happy, safe, and prosperous while I ruled, all the while wondering whether or not I could have saved my sister.” Another minimal snort. “Forgive me a third time, TD, but all you had to do was wash windows."

I so desperately want to scream at her that she's not right, that I've experienced isolation that she has never known. I want to make her statements sound absolutely foolish... but in the back of my mind, I know I can't. Isn't that the worst feeling? When you had a carefully planned speech that was going to blow somebody away, make them really see your side, but just a few choice words from them send that great idea crashing down?

Yeah, that's what I am feeling right now.

"What makes it tolerable, TD, is that you surround yourself with those you love, even if you cannot connect to them on that deep personal level that all ponies – and seemingly humans – crave." Celestia motions around the table with her hoof. "And if I'm reading this right, you did surround yourself."

"And still do," states Fluttershy.

A tightness wells up in my chest, and I fidget in my chair. "I know," I whisper. "If I could go back, then I probably wouldn't have left... although that's because I know what I do now: that nobody else knows of a way to get me home." I run a hand through my hair, looking up at the ceiling, sprawled on the chair. "There's no fixing this." It's kind of a cop-out phrase, but I'm not sure what I can say at this point.

"TD, do not think that I am trying to lessen what you went through or say that it wasn't that bad,” Celestia says a lot more softly. “Having experienced it myself, I know how devastating it can be. What I mean to say is, though it may take some time, there are ways to overcome it."

Well, Princess, you may not be meaning to lessen what I've been through, but that's what you're doing. "I was in Ponyville for six months before I left. How long was it before you figured out how to deal with being emotionally alone?" I retort acidly.

Celestia doesn't answer; it seems I finally stung her. Maybe now she'll see how demeaning she was actually being even without meaning to.

I turn my gaze back to the Crusaders. "But all of this doesn't matter in the end. What truly matters is, I hurt you guys by leaving, I know that for a fact, and I'm really, really sorry for that,” I confess sincerely. “If it does end up that I'm stuck here permanently... well, then I'm going to do whatever I can to make it up to you. Heck, I'll try that even if I can go home, actually."

"So,” Apple Bloom asks tentatively, “does that mean yer comin' back to Ponyville?"

I shrug. "Let's see what the next dice roll is. Then I'll give you a final answer."

They seem to be satisfied enough with that response, and I smile. I missed this much acceptance.

"So, TD, what have y'all been doin' for six years anyhow?" Applejack prods, changing the issue entirely. "Ah know by now that you've been to lots a' places, but ya gotta have more detailed stories than just that."

"Indeed," says Celestia. "Please entertain us, if you don't mind. Cadance and Shining Armor won't be here for a while.”
She's telling the truth: I heard through the grapevine that those two are more than wrapped from snout to tail with this Crystal Fair's pre-planning stages. It's the only reason they're not here with us right now.

"Yeah, that's why we're all here, for the fair," Pinkie Pie reinforces. "We'd normally be helping, but the crystal ponies really wanted to do things on their own this year."

"That aside," says Twilight, "what kind of things have you been doing? I mean, you traveled the Outlands for six years! I imagine that you've learned and seen so many things!” she almost squeals in excitement.

My smile widens. Twilight's thirst for knowledge hasn't changed much, from what I see. Then again, it figures that it wouldn't. I stand up and crack my back before asking a nearby servant for another drink. She nods and walks away, leaving me to start my tale. "Well, where would you like me to start?" I ask. "I'm gonna warn you right now: there's a lot of walking in it and nothing interesting happened for a lot of days, especially in those first few weeks."

"Start with the first interesting thing then!" Scootaloo exclaims.

I shrug and open my mouth to speak, but am cut off by a commotion outside. I hear a few squawking noises, like a bird would make, and my smile widens even more. "Here's the first interesting thing now, ladies." I stand up and, to the surprise of everypony, including Celestia, I pick up the pot of soup and place it on the floor right next to me.

"… TD,” Sweetie Belle asks tentatively, “why did you–"

She's almost instantly cut off by a large ball of red and gold smashing through the door and colliding with the table... right where the pot of soup used to be.

The ponies around it all stand up in a fright as the ball spins around for a bit on the table, before it comes to rest and reveals itself. "Is that what Ah think it is?" whispers Applejack.

"Yep!" I chirp proudly. "This, girls, is my phoenix, Oswald," I announce, pointing a hand to present the little guy, who, hearing his name, stands up and waddles over to me for a friendly nuzzle that I'm happy to receive.

"You have a phoenix?!! How in the name of her,” Twilight squeaks, pointing at Celestia, “did you get one?!"

I can't contain a very amused snort at the unusual, but fitting, gesture.

"He looks recently resurrected," Celestia notes. "I take it that's why he didn't come in with you?"

I nod. "He always flies off when it’s time for him to burst. I don't know why to be honest,” I shrug. “Must be a phoenix thing, I don't know much about them in general."

"Not really," Fluttershy explains. "They usually stay in the general vicinity of whoever they've bonded with. They're fiercely loyal."

"Oh I know that last part for sure," I grin.

"Ah take it Oswald here has gotten you outta a lotta trouble then, yeah?" teases Applejack.

"No, not really," I shake my head, to her surprise. "If anything, he got me into a lot more trouble than he's ever bailed me out of. Oswald here might be one of the dumbest phoenixes in the history of Equestria.” I scratch his head. “Not in a mentally challenged sense, mind you, but... yeah, you know what I mean."

I can see that Fluttershy is about to open her mouth to say something, probably complain about me calling Oswald dumb, but he surprises everypony by straightening up and nodding proudly at the description. I snicker and stroke his back feathers. Despite the cold outside, they're always very warm to touch.

Soon the servant comes back with my drink, and I move the goblet I received over to Oswald, who takes a deep drink out of it before ruffling his feathers and leaping to the back of my chair. I grin and put the pot of soup back on the table before taking a seat myself. To further prove my claims, Oswald jumps down to my shoulder, though the better description would be that he tries to, but misses and smacks into the back of my head. As he ruffles his feathers after settling down, I just point at him with an index finger. “Told ya.”

The phoenix chirps happily again, and that breaks the dam of giggles, with Pinkie Pie and, surprisingly, Celestia leading it.
"So, you want to know what I've been doing across the planet, huh?" I ask after they calm down.

"Yes, please!" Scootaloo begs.

“Okay, then,” I say, grabbing Reginald and turning my head to my pet. “Hey, Oswald, they want to know about the day we met. What do you say, should we tell them?”

His response is to point at a carving on the staff... the wrong carving.

Author's Note

Sorry for the cliffhanger of sorts, but this chapter is a 'windup' chapter. The next few are 'pitch' chapters where I'll really get into it.

I really hope you like Oswald. I don't plan on him being a 'Deus ex Machina' character, somephoenix that TD has in his back pocket, so to speak, that will get him out of a bunch of tough situations. And no, he is not dumb as in mentally challenged so don't worry about that.

The Bizzare Aquisition of Oswald Q. Phoenix

The Bizzare Aquisition of Oswald Q. Phoenix

Well, guess some background information is required before I delve into how I got Oswald. I mean, I didn't find him on the first day; it was some three weeks or so before I ran into him. And I gotta say, those were probably the most boring three weeks of my life. I’ve never done so much walking in all of my days as I did in... well, the past six years, I suppose… but trust me, I did a lot more than usual in those early weeks.

I had to trek through more ground than I thought, and I ended up burning through the rations I’d packed faster than I predicted. Water wasn’t really a problem, since I had a water purifier I got in Ponyville. As for food… well, the best answer is fish, fish and more fish.

~~~

Rainbow Dash raises her hoof, and I signal for her to speak. "How’d you do it when you couldn’t stop to fish?” she asks. “‘cause really, even I know it goes bad real fast, and there ain’t that many bodies of water along the country."

I sigh and reach into my backpack, while Oswald grins as much as a phoenix possibly can. I shoot him a glare. "Shut it, you. This is not funny."

"TD," asks Fluttershy, "what..."

I hold up a hand right before I find what I'm looking for. The act of holding that… stuff alone makes me feel ill, but showing is better than telling, and they did ask for it. With a huff, I toss the bag on the table, and a piece of tan, leathery meat spills out. "Ladies, meet fish jerky."

Oswald and Celestia don’t really react, the latter because she doesn't really show emotion like that, and the former because he's laughing too hard, the little rascal. As for the others… yeah, that’s a face of disgust that I’m used to making. And they don’t even eat this crap.

Oswald continues cawing in laughter, and I shoot him a one-eyed glare. "How would you like a piece, Oswald?"

"Don't phoenixes hunt their own food?" asks Fluttershy.

I nod as I put the piece back in the bag. "Not that it’ll stop me from jamming a strip down his throat if he’s really asking for it."

“TD!” she exclaims in shock. “He’s your pet and friend! How can you say that?!”

“What? It’s not like it hurts him or anything,” I say dismissively. In truth, he never got so annoying that I actually tried to do that, even though he’s come close before. But that will be too hard to explain to a velvet-hearted pegasus that doesn’t seem to understand the idea of ribbing, so I let it pass.

Pinkie leans over and sniffs inside the bag, pulling away from it in visible disgust. "Eeeww! This smells gross!" she so wisely says, waving a hoof over her nose. "I didn't even think you could do that with fish. How did you make it?"

"Pinkie Pie…” I say gravely, “there are some things mortal ponies aren't meant to know. One of them is how to make fish jerky."

" I’m an immortal," Celestia points out. Thank you, Princess Obvious. "So I’m–"

"You don't want to know, either," I interrupt.

"So... what does it taste like exactly?" asks Twilight.

I push the sack towards her. “Wanna try a bite?”

“Umm… no,” she politely refuses, with only a slight tinge of green on her face. “I’ll just take your word for it.”

"Hell on Earth," I respond simply.

"Is there any way to make it taste better?"

I shake my head. "I'll leave it at this: if garlic bread is God's gift to mankind – and it totally is –, then fish jerky is proof that Satan exists and walks among us.” I lift my arms to the skies, facing the ceiling with my eyes closed. “Repent thy sins, infidels, lest ye face the wrath of the jerky of fish!"

And to think it was the bulk of all the food I ate for six freaking years…

~~~

But yeah, enough of my diet. It was enough to keep me alive, and really, that's good enough for me.

Anyway, during the first two months or so, I tried to avoid the cities as much as possible. I figured that, even if I wanted to get lost amongst the hustle and bustle of the crowds, a tall pink bipedal creature would attract a ton of unwanted attention, and of all things, that’s what I wanted to avoid the most. Every bit of it that I got would increase the chances of you guys being able to track my position, so that was a no go. I don't really like cities anyway, so it was no big loss.

That's not to say that I avoided pony society entirely; quite the contrary, I relished the times when I came across a small mining or farming community. The locals were always very nice and often gave me a good hot meal and a place to stay, no questions asked. They knew I needed their hospitality, and that was a good enough reason to give it. I gotta admit, it really increased my positive feelings for ponykind. Of course, I could never stay for long: I might do a day’s work or two for the townsponies to repay them for their kindness and maybe get a tiny few bits, but that was as far as I went.

You know, there’s this very memorable experience was when I was working in an apple orchard in this town called Appleloosa, and a large stampede of buffalo came charging through the middle of the orchard while the townsponies tossed apple pies on them. The town sheriff explained to me that it was a tradition that went back a few years because an apple pie had brought peace to a full scale war between them and the buffalo. It was pretty awesome to watch.

~~~

"You went to Appleloosa?" asks Applejack. "Didja meet mah cousin Braeburn?"

I turn to her with a smirk. "What, the ‘AAAAAAPPLEELOOSA!’ guy?"

She and Apple Bloom both chuckle. "Yep, that’s him alright."

I begin to smile, but it fades from my face. "Uh, quick question about him: is he –"

"No, he ain't gay and he don't have no brain damage and he and Ah have never, ever–!"

"… that's not what I was going to ask. In fact, that wasn't even close."

Applejack blushes bright red and her ears flatten. "Oh. sorry 'bout that," she mutters. "What were you gonna ask, sugar cube?"

"Eh, forget it, the question's dead now."

~~~

As I was saying, I never stayed for more than a day or two in any of the towns I came across. I always made sure to make sure that any maps that I had of the outlying areas were accurate, and ask the townsfolk for the correct directions if they weren’t, then I got restocked as best as I could, and then I was off. For about a month, while I moved the land of the zebras, that’s my life in a nutshell. It's like I said, nothing really interesting happened until Oswald came along.

Now, I told you that I relished the moments where I could find something better than fish jerky and travel rations, right? Well, oftentimes that came in the form of eggs.

~~~

Fluttershy fixes me with a horrified gaze. "You...you pillaged nests?!"

I glare at her, taking a piece of the devil’s meat out of the bag. "Fish jerky, Fluttershy." I extend my hand to the point where it's almost in her nose. "Fish. Freaking. Jerky. The unholiest paladin of the Order of the Food Pyramid."

She cringes, curling up on her seat. I huff out in tired frustration. “Sorry, Fluttershy. I just… I get mad when someone questions my eating habits. But try and eat something nasty like moldy hay sometime, and you’ll see how far you’ll go to avoid it.

"But trust me, if I got a hint that the egg held an actual chick, then I left it alone, and I never took more than a third of the total eggs. Of course I'm sure it sucked for the parents, but what else was I supposed to do? I had to do what I had to do, and I was even being considerate about it."

Fluttershy slumps her shoulders dejectedly, and I see the first hints of tears form at the corners of her eyes. It’s sad to see it, but she’ll just have to get over it. What’s done is done.

I just shake my head and return to my story.

~~~

Anyhow, eggs. Unfortunately, it was rare that I’d come across a nest, even more so when I found myself wandering through grasslands and the like, which was often.

Well, let’s move on. I was traveling towards the zebra lands one day – I think it was about twenty-three days in –, when I found myself in a woodland area. Obviously this made me very happy: not only could I potentially find some eggs, trees always mean there’s a fresh water source somewhere nearby. I was running low water, just enough left for a day or two more. I’d pretty much hit the jackpot.

As I wandered through it, I kept scanning the treetops for anything resembling a nest, preferably unlike the abandoned ones I’d seen at the edge of the forest. It was almost time to eat, and my stomach was getting very irritated with me, something that it had no qualms about telling me and the whole world. I’d been walking for about five hours, and I was beginning to lose hope that I would ever find some chow.

Sure, I still had five or six pieces of fish jerky to tide me over until I got to a fishing spot, but I believe I've made my feelings clear on that.

With that thought constantly in the back of my mind, imagine my elation when I discovered a large nest in a tree. What made it even better was that there was a large egg, a big one, inside!

Naturally, I climbed the tree and examined the egg. I was surprised with its looks; it was like a fire gem. I had never seen an egg like that in all my days, since we don't have phoenixes on Earth – well, except in Arizona and a few sports teams, but they were just abstract symbols –, but I thought ‘hey, it’s an egg, they’re pretty much all the same’.

~~~

I lean back in my chair and scratch Oswald's head feathers. "Come to think of it, I'm not sure how egg Oswald would have tasted."

"Probably pretty spicy!" says Pinkie Pie. She stops grinning when notices both Oswald and I glaring at her, and she chuckles nervously. "Err, okay, bad joke. Sorry about that."

"Quite."

~~~

If I’d known then how close Oswald was to come out of it, I’d have run like the wind in the opposite direction. As it was, I didn't know anything other than that I hoped it was unfertilized.

Or that's what was in my mind until the dragons came along.

~~~

The collective crowd gasps. "D-Dragons?" Fluttershy whispers.

"Heavens to Betsy, Ah can't imagine how frightenin' that must have been!"

I shrug. "Not really. They weren't fully grown yet."

"Still,” says Twilight, “an adolescent dragon is still pretty intimidating!"

"I’d figure that is normally the case, yes," I admit, "but these three... well, let's just say that, if they were humans, then they’d be wearing baggy shirts, backwards baseball caps and baggy jeans pulled down to their thighs. Kinda hard to feel intimidated when you look at someone and all you can think of is a ‘gangsta rapper’ wannabe."

Rarity cocks her head, frowning thoughtfully. "Do pardon my interruption, darling, but those three dragons… wouldn't two of them be sort of tall and lanky, one red and the other purple, with the third one being a brownish color and stockier?"

I raise an eyebrow. "Yeah. As a matter of fact, that’s pretty much their spoken portraits."

She shakes her head. "I cannot imagine how infuriating it must have been for you to have to have been in contact with those three! They're simply ghastly!"

"I did kind of get the feeling that their combined IQ was somewhere in the single digits, yes." I smirk. "And that's what made this next part absolutely sweet."

~~~

So, back to the story. At this point, those guys were circling me, with the red one – the leader, I suppose – in front of me and the other two flanking me from behind. I'll tell you guys, I actually thought I was in a pickle there. I couldn't fight off three dragons with just a stick, no matter how good I was with it.

I tried to keep the other two in my peripherals and the red one in my sights. He laughed. "So, you have the phoenix egg we've been after for a while. Hand it over now, it's gonna be bad luck for you if you don't give it to us right now."

"No dice, cherry," I quipped. "I've gone way too freaking long without an egg to just hand it over."

"You'll hand it over if you know what's good for you!" he sneered. "We've been looking for an egg to smash and you're holding one!"

I scoffed at him. "Why do you care? I'm just gonna eat it; the egg is destroyed even if you don’t smash it. We both win."

"Nuh-uh!" he insisted. "We're gonna smash it! It's no fun if we just let you eat it," he said with a face that starts to make me question how many brain cells he had.

"Well, it's no good for me if I let you smash it," I replied tersely. "So… it seems we're at an impasse here."

"Nuh-uuuuuh!" said the purple one, even more petulantly than the red guy. "We've got the drop on you, there are three of us and only one of you, and we're dragons! So there!"

The purple one stepped a little too close for my liking, so I adjusted my grip on Reginald and swung it backwards, like I'm throwing a spear. I didn't expect it to do anything other than for him to get startled and back off, but luck was smiling on me that day: I felt the tip go directly into his eye, and he fell to the ground, wailing.

I pointed Reginald at the red one. "We don't have to do this. You can just let me have the stupid egg and I don’t have to smash your face in," I fibbed, trying to intimidate him.

The red dragon glared at me and took a menacing step forward, claws extended and teeth bared. "Listen, punk, I don't know what you are or where you come from, but we're dragons! We can take–"

And then the guy was cut off when a loud crack echoed throughout the forest. The three of us who weren't writhing in pain all looked around, curious as to the source of the noise.

That's just about when I felt the egg wiggling in my grasp. Dang it, it had a chick. The red one noticed it, too, and he stopped to stare intently at the egg, as if he was even more curious as to what was inside than I was.

Welp, turns out phoenix chicks must be really claustrophobic, because Oswald here only took about twelve seconds before he kicked the door open, so to speak.

That new development made the entire forest, even the purple dragon on the ground, fall dead silent. I was as surprised as anybody that I was holding a live phoenix in my hands, I mean, when has that ever happened to anybody? One moment I’m holding an egg that’s shaking, and the next the little guy is on my palm, facing my direction and rubbing his eyes with his tiny wings. I frowned when he opened them and glanced up at me. What was I gonna do with him?

We made eye contact, and then he cooed happily and bounced onto my shoulder to nuzzle me in the neck. I flinched away, surprised at that surprisingly loving behavior of his.

It was at that moment that I remembered something, some tiny fact that Twilight had recited at some point a very long time ago: phoenixes imprint on the first beings they see. The phoenix nuzzled my cheek again, and I facepalmed. Yep, the chick thought I was its mother.

Well, it was about to get worse and slightly better at the same time. The red dragon had been watching this with a look of awe on his face, but when Oswald nuzzled me for the third time his face shifted back to a scowl. "Not again," he muttered.
"Uh...” I started, trying to sound diplomatic and failing. “Look, I'm just as surprised as you are by this whole thing. And, well, the egg is gone now, so what do you think we branch off our paths?”

He snorted and the brown one behind me let out a guffaw. "Not happening, dude," he said. "We may not have gotten to smash the egg, but we can still get that dumb bird and smash you!” He hesitated. “... whatever you are."

I opened my mouth to explain that I was a human, but Oswald interrupted me with something very strange: he began coughing loudly, almost as if something was stuck in his throat. I turned my head just in time to see him let out the biggest cough of all, and the second that one went through his body, his wings caught fire. He almost fell off my shoulder from that, but he managed to steady himself on the strap of my backpack with a quick extension of his wings.

Of course, since his wings were still lit, I was lit too. As in, my entire body was engulfed in flames.

Now, normally when you catch fire, it tends to hurt and melt your skin away and burn your hair and all that unpleasant stuff. So yeah, naturally when Oswald did that, my first instinct was to panic. But since I remembered well what Pinkie did what she did before I left, I managed to get myself calmed down when I felt it wasn’t a hot fire. If anything, it tickled just a tiny bit.

As most fires tend to do, it eventually went out, which allowed me to see the red dragon in front of me a second time. I glanced to the side and saw the others had taken several steps back. Realizing that I had been given a rare gift, I flashed the red one a grin. "You asked what I am? Okay, I'll tell you."

My smirk widened. "I'm a fire god."

His eyes went as big as dinner plates. Now, I do know that dragons are resistant to fire, so I decided to add a bit more to my speech. "And do you want to know something fun about fire gods such as myself? We’re not exactly bound by normal rules and conventions… including the effects of our flames." I took a threatening step forward, and to my utter delight, he took an uneasy step back. "You think the fact that you're a dragon will save you from what I can unleash upon you if you and your dull compadres don't get out of my sight right now?"

Another step forward, another step back.

"Here’s a hint: dragons are resistant to fire… but hellfire is not traditional fire.” I crossed my arms. “You have three seconds to improve my mood."

“Come on, man!” the brown guy squealed in terror. “Let's get out of here!"

That snapped the red one out of it, and he was very quick to take to the air and zoom away, followed closely by his fellow dunces. I watched them flee, satisfied overall with my performance and the stroke of good luck this baby phoenix had offered me.

* * *

Later that day, Oswald was still on my shoulder, and my face was in my hands. I still couldn’t believe what had just happened. "Fire god? Did they seriously believe that?” I said to myself. “That might have been one of the stupidest ploys I've ever tried! They hunt phoenixes as a hobby, for crying out loud, how did they get so scared?"

The phoenix cooed in my shoulder and nuzzled me again. I smirked and stroked his head feathers. "Still, you were pretty rad out there today, little guy. You’re the first that ever lit me up and made it awesome for me." I chuckled after he rubbed his head against me for the third time. "You're not going to leave me alone even if I wanted to, are you?"

He chirped something in a language – if you want to call it that – that only birds like him would understand – and Fluttershy, I think. I, in the meantime, had to guess it meant that he wouldn't be going anywhere.

I took a deep breath. "Well, I suppose having you around can only help. I don't know what you guys eat, but I think we can figure something out about that. Other than that, I don't know what to tell you."

A thought struck me and I took off my backpack, reached inside and pulled out the fish jerky. Maybe, if he liked the stuff… I took out a small piece and offered it to him. Curious, he extended his head and opened up his beak for a small bite.

The effect was immediate: the second his tongue touched the stuff, he squawked in disgust and batted the jerky out of my hand with a wing. He stuck his tongue out at it when it landed on the dirt.

"I guess that's a no go, then. Don't worry, I won't make you try that again."

Scratching his head to calm him down, I took a deep breath and looked up to the sun as best as I could. It seemed to be more on the horizon than high in the sky, so I figured it was just about to get dark out. Now was as good a time as any to make camp for the night.

Since Oswald couldn't really help much, being a chick and all, I set up camp on my own while he stayed on my shoulder, chirping happily at whatever.

Given the fact that I had been out on my own for a few weeks, I’d already gotten pretty good at setting up a camp. Or at the very least, I had something to keep me warm at night. The tent was sturdy enough that I could sleep peacefully and the sleeping bag was warm.

As I lay down in my tent, the little guy perched on top of my backpack. As unmanly as I think saying something like this is, I can't deny that it was pretty cute. "I think I'll call you Oswald," I said to him. "Oswald Q. Phoenix."

Author's Note

So sorry about the delay on this. I hope the fact that I've updated all three TDverse stories helps a bit. I hope I can get chapter 5 to you faster than this.

By the way, I did a reading of The Spiderses in an outrageous French accent if you want to check it out. You...you don't have to, though...

Soundspeed

The next week or so set the precedent for my relationship with Oswald: he'd do his best to help me out with whatever I needed him to do, and fail spectacularly at it, and I just facepalmed. Keep in mind that I never asked for his “help” on anything, he just gave it. I know he was trying to be helpful, and I certainly can't fault him for that, but... gosh darn it, by the third time your tent almost catches fire, even a phoenix chick stops being adorkable.

That's not to say that Oswald was a burden, far from it, really. He’d occasionally do things like find me actually edible stuff. He even got me to a blueberry bush once. I don't know how he knew where they were, but good gravy did I cherish every time I could avoid the standard fish jerky. The biggest way he was useful, though? I’ll tell you: being good company. I mean, it’s so nice to just have somebody to talk to after I spent weeks by myself in lands with no memorable features and no distractions from the road except how much your legs burn from walking. I could rant to Oswald about anything, tell him any secrets I felt like sharing, and he would listen and just chirp in with his phoenix-speak whenever he felt like talking back. Maybe it was just the whole 'he thinks I'm Mommy' thing, but we had a pretty good rapport going all the same.

One of the cool things was that Oswald grew pretty quickly. He was a newborn chick one day, and a week later, he was what I’d describe as a teenager. A week after that, I had my own full grown phoenix flying around me, squawking happily about life. Frankly, it’s pretty uplifting to have a phoenix around, especially one who just seems to be in a perpetual good mood.

~~~

I lean back in my chair and Oswald nuzzles my cheek. I smile at him and scratch his head feathers. In its own way, it’s kind of our go-to way of showing each other affection. It’s something that does not go unnoticed by my pony audience, as both Pinkie and the Crusaders ‘awwww’ at the same time.

"That's so adorable!" says Pinkie.

"You two are so cute together," Sweetie Belle coos.

I look up at them and, sure enough, even the ones that didn’t speak have those large, slightly goofy smiles on their faces.

The two of us flinch back and shoot uneasy glances at each other. It's not fun showing affection to your pet phoenix if a bunch of girls are going to call it adorable, and judging by Oswald's expression, he seems to agree with me on that point.

I clear my throat and shake my head. "Anyway, I doubt you want to hear about how Oswald and I traveled for a long time without anything interesting happening."

"That depends," says Twilight. "Where were you going?"

"The Zebra Lands were our first destination," is my answer. "It was the closest country, so it was the one we hit first."

"Wait a second,” Rainbow Dash interrupts. “The Crystal Empire is a little closer than Zebrica. It’d be a lot simpler to come here first; heck, you could have even taken the train."

"Well, technically, yes," I concede, "and that is exactly why I chose the opposite direction from the Empire. I knew you guys would most likely look somewhere around here first, just because it’s closer and much easier to access."

A shroud of silence falls over my listeners. A small smirk creeps up on my face. "You did check there first, didn't you?"

"… maybe we did," Twilight mumbles.

I snicker a little, cracking my neck and shifting on the chair to get a bit more comfortable. "Well, there are other reasons too, like the morning train schedules and the shape of the route I planned… But that's ancient history. We're dealing with what I did, not with what I might have done.

“So, Oswald and I found ourselves traveling towards the zebra lands one fine spring morning, I think, when the next interesting thing came along. Or, should I say, interesting pegasus."

The group looks at me with a little more interest. "You met a pegasus on your way to Zebrica?" asks Fluttershy.

I smirk and nod. "Yeah, I guess you could call him a crazy old hermit."

"Who was he?" asks Celestia. "I wasn't aware of such a thing as hermits along those routes."

At the memories of that guano-insane pegasus, my lips stretch up in an arch. "I’ll just tell you the whole story; it’ll make more sense then."

~~~

I told you I found Oswald in a sort of wooded area, right? Well, not too far out of that forest, the terrain gets more mountainous. Oswald and I weren't exactly hiking up Everest or anything – biggest mountain on Earth, remember, Twilight? –, but we found ourselves climbing things higher than the grasslands I had been hiking before I came into the forest. Or at least I climbed, seeing as Oswald here has that convenient little ability to fly.

I lost a lot of weight on those mountains, believe me. The foothills were pretty rocky, and nothing really grew around the area except for weeds and bushes that I couldn’t eat. Occasionally, we'd find some few-and-far-between patches of berry bushes, and Oswald used his natural hunting talents to catch us a few small rabbits to munch on – oh come on, Fluttershy, don’t give me that look, you know it’s not like we did it out of fun –, but even though I was eating just barely enough to get by, even my supply of fish jerky was getting dangerously low. I was worried that the time in which tightening the belt wouldn’t be enough would come soon. It rained on the third day, so water was replenished to a point where I knew we could hold out for a day or two, but that was going to become an issue if we didn't get to more lush areas fast.

And that's when we got lost.

You see, when you can't go in a straight line because there are things you have to circle around, either because you’ll fall in or it’s impassable without climbing gear, you tend to walk in circles more often than not. When you combine that with the fact that nothing about the place was recognizable to my eye… yeah, you get the idea of the tight leash I was in. To counter that, I took a rock and began making scratch marks on some of the biggest boulders around so I would know if I had gone that way before.

It seemed like a good plan, at least until every boulder I passed was marked.

"This isn't good, Oswald," I muttered to my bird companion. "If we don't find the right way soon… we may not get out of this." Oswald cocked his head and I scratched the back of my neck. "If–"

Then it hit me how I'd been an idiot the entire time. Oswald had wings; he could just fly up and find a way out! Yes, I know, good going on that one, TD. Score one for your ‘wilderness survival’ logbook. "Hey Oswald, I think I have a plan that will allow us to find what we're looking for," I said to him. "All we have to do is–"

My speech was cut off when I felt a prick in the back of my neck, kind of like a vaccine shot. I frowned and reached back there and, just like I thought, there was something sticking out. I quickly pulled it out, and was surprised to see that it appeared to be a dart of some form.

“Where did this co…“

And then I saw pretty colors when whatever drug was on the dart took effect.

* * * *

I don't know how long it was before I woke up. At the time, I only knew that I was in a cave of some sort, with a delightful headache to nurse, and Oswald perched on a large rock right ahead. I groaned and put my hand up to my head; it was bleeding a bit, but not much. Maybe I’d fallen and hit my head on a rock or something.

I sat up and, slowly, did my best to get off of the floor, but I was cut off by an odd voice I'd never heard before. "You stay right there if you don't want sleepy time again!"

Wait, what?

I turned my head to see who was talking to me. What I found was a gray pegasus with really unkempt brown hair. He was standing with a sort of blowgun balanced on his left wing. "… what's going on?" I asked groggily.

"What's going on is that I'm not one to be fooled!" he yelled back. "I know what you're after: you're after me! You're trying to capture me to take me back to Celestia!" His expression darkened. "Well, it's not gonna work! I caught you, odd hairless thing, not the other way around!"

My loopy brain was working overtime to try to make the slightest bit of sense out of what this pony was saying. Something about Celestia and how he's not going back… but what does that have to do with me?

I shake my head to clear it a bit. "Uuuh, listen… whoever you are. I'm not here to take you back to Celestia. I'm trying to escape her myself, actually."

"LIES!" The pony zoomed towards me with a speed that surprised me and stuck his snout right in my face. "Nopony else has any reason to come this way! NONE! I chose it for that very reason!" He landed, but he looked even more peeved than when he was in the air. "I'm not going back to Celestia. She'll never let me go with everything that I know."

"Uh... what?"

The pony began pacing around. "Of course I'll have to change caves now. Curse you, Celestia, this cave has been my home for twelve years!" He wheeled around to face me again. I swear, what Dash’s got in speed, that stallion had in acceleration. "How did she find me?!"

"She still hasn't as far as I'm aware!" I insisted. This was getting frustrating. "I wasn’t sent to find you!"

"Horseapples!" he screeched. To my horror, he stuck his nose on my arm and took a long sniff. "You smell like Canterlot!"

"Wha... that doesn't make any sense! I haven't been to Canterlot for at least four months!"

"Ah-ha!” the pony shouted triumphantly. “So you have seen Celestia, haven’t you?"

Aw, dang me. I just had to get the crazy stallion even more incensed, hadn’t I? "W...Well yeah, but she didn't send me to find you!” I pleaded for the third time. “I don't even know who you are!"

"Of course you do!" said the pegasus. "Even if you haven't been sent to find me, everypony knows who Soundspeed is!"

~~~

Rainbow Dash gasps at this. "SOUNDSPEED?! You mean the Soundspeed, sixty-third captain of the Wonderbolts?!"

I nod. "Based on the way he was talking and what he was saying, I guess that’d be him." I see Celestia close her eyes and shake her head; she even mutters something to herself to complete the picture. I cock my head at her. "Uh, so what did he do, or what does he know that makes him want to run from you?"

"It's a long story, and we're listening to yours right now," she says cryptically. “If you don’t mind moving on…”

Of course she doesn't respond to a question with a real answer. I didn't expect her to really.

I shake my head and continue on.

~~~

"Uh, look, I don't actually know who you are. Not sure you can see it, but I'm not exactly an Equestrian native."

Soundspeed waved his hoof dismissively, snorting. "Even if you aren't from Equestria, you should still know who I am. I am renowned in more than one country."

"What I mean is, I'm not from this planet.”

That got the answer I was expecting: Soundspeed cocked his head and raised an eyebrow. "Er... then you must have grown up a little farther away than where I toured."

"Just a bit," I joke despite the situation. “Maybe a few hundred light-years or so.”

He snorted again, rolling his eyes. "Well, in that case, if you haven't heard of me and you aren't here to bring me back to Celestia, then what are you doing here?"

I got to my feet, and this time Soundspeed didn't stop me. He still eyed me with more than a little trepidation, but he didn't give any signs of action. I brushed myself off and looked around for Reginald, who was thankfully only lying a few feet away. I walked over to get it just as Oswald swooped down to land on my shoulder. That was something that Soundspeed didn't seem to like much. I scowled at the twitchy pegasus. "Something wrong with Oswald?"

"You have a phoenix," he said bluntly.

Oswald nodded proudly, and I smirked at him. "And…?"

"Celestia has a phoenix," Soundspeed whispered.

I groaned and rolled my eyes. "Enough with Celestia already!” After a deep breath, I continued, “I'm trying to avoid her, too. That's why I'm out here to begin with."

I guess me controlling my temper was what finally convinced Soundspeed to calm down, not completely, but he looked less like he was going to either attack or run away at the drop of a hat. His wings folded back in, and he sat down in front of me. "So, you're running from Celestia, too. What'd she do to you?"

"She used me as a lab rat during one of her dimensional portal experiments. She pulled me in, and now she says she’s unable to send me back through. I'm wandering around the continent, trying to find somebody who can do what she can’t."

The stallion cocked his head. "So, you're really not here to capture me?"

Now it was my time to snort. "I think we've already established that clearly enough already."

"Huh." He stood up and walked towards the back of the cave, where he had a bit of a living space made up: a cot was leaning against one of the cave walls, and a little table and chair were set next to what appeared to be a fire pit made right underneath a large hole in the ceiling. Everything was rough and well-worn; I suppose he really had been living there for twelve years. It surely looked like it.

A large chest was next to the table; that was his object of interest. He flipped the lid open, took out what looked like a hay bar, then he bit into it and began chewing noisily. He motioned to me, offering it, but I put my hand up and shook my head. He nodded, closed the chest and walked back over. "So, you're running from Celestia, eh?"

"Yeah, she took me from my world."

"You already said that. But what does that have to do with you being here?"

Seeing as my backpack was right where Reginald was laying, I knelt down next to it and opened up the side flap that contained all of my maps. I pulled out the uppermost one and unrolled it to confirm if it was the one I was looking for, then I walked up to Soundspeed, who looked curiously at the map when I turned the sheet his way. "I'm trying to get to the Zebras, to see if they can make things right for me. I got lost here in the middle of the trip. Would you know anything about that?"

Soundspeed studied the map for a second or two before he broke out into rambunctious laughter. "You're looking for Zebrica? Wow, how did you end up lost with a bunch of maps in your pockets?” He wiped a tear from his eye. “You're not very good at this, are you?"

"No," I mumbled grumpily. “It's my first time traveling on foot through a wilderness.”

Soundspeed chortled for a second or two more before taking the map from me and putting it on the ground in front of him. "Okay, we're about here, yeah?" he said, pointing to a certain spot.

I shrugged. "If you say so..."

Soundspeed glared up at me. "I do say so; I've been living here for longer than you've been on the planet." I raised my hands in mock apology, and he scoffed, turning back to the map. "Okay, so we're here. The outskirts of Zebrica are...” His hoof traced along a few lines. “... about forty miles to the west."

I grunted in acknowledgement. "That wouldn't be too bad of a walk if I knew how to get out of this god-forsaken rock pile."

"Hey, this god-forsaken rock pile is my home!"

"So you'd be one to know your way around it, right?"

Soundspeed smiled smugly at me, his chest swollen with pride. "Nopony on the planet knows their way around these foothills better than I do! I could find my way around with my eyes closed."

"Or,” I deadpanned, “you could just fly over them."

The stallion shot me another withering glare. "Of course, you mongrel! What I mean is, I could get out even if I couldn't fly!"

I scratched the back of my neck. "Yeah, about that, I was about to get Oswald here,” I pointed to my dandy, dim bird friend, who flapped his wings once, “to fly up and lead me out right before you showed up. I'm not sure how much I need your guide skills to get out."

Soundspeed grinned a grin full of arrogance. "But I bet you'll go look for a guide as soon as you get out, won't you, Mr. Can't-Read-Maps?"

That put a bit of a dent in my smugness, make no mistake about it. "Uuh, about that..."

His swagger returned full force, if not stronger than before. "That's what I thought. You will be needing my help."

"… Maybe."

Soundspeed rolled his eyes. "Uh huh, 'maybe'." He snorted and gulped down the rest of his hay bar. "It's too late in the day to go in that direction now. You can stay here tonight if, and only if, you promise to not tell Celestia where I live. I can assure you: even if you do, I'll slip past her nets."

I rolled my eyes in turn but made a Pinkie Promise. "Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye."

As Soundspeed looked at me like I had gone completely off the deep end, the silence in the cave was almost palpable. I suppose that a Pinkie Promise would be rather odd to an outsider, even if they're from Equestria, but it was still uncomfortable to have a pony whose sanity you doubt stare at you like he feels the exact same way about you.

Thankfully, he seemed to get the idea that I wasn't going to rat him out about his whereabouts. He went over to his cot to lay it out for the night. "You may sleep wherever you want; just keep a thirty foot distance from me. Same goes for your bird."

Oswald squawked indignantly, but Soundspeed didn't acknowledge it – he merely climbed onto the bed and lay down. "Well, Oswald, I guess it’s time for us to catch some zees, too," I muttered.

"Light a fire if you want, it doesn't make a difference to me," our host said.

I nodded and took him up on the offer. Since we were in a cave with no draft, I figured my sleeping bag would be good enough to keep me warm for the night, so I didn't bother with the tent. I moved the bag a reasonable distance towards the fire and climbed inside, while Oswald, as per usual, perched on my backpack and put his head under his wing to nod off.

I smirked and rolled up a sweater to use as a pillow before nodding off myself, still unsure of what to think of the distinct Mr. Soundspeed.

Die Diamanten-Hunde on Third Base

You heard me, a Diamond Dog. Oswald lured a freaking Diamond Dog to our camp, thinking it was a meal for the two of us.

Both Soundspeed and I could only stare in shock at the dog, while it itself shifted its menacing glare between the two of us. It seemed unsure if it wanted to either attack us or just wait for us to run away.

Using this momentary pause to my advantage, I relaxed my stance ever so slightly and turned my head to my moronic feathered companion. "Hey, Oswald," I began with more than a little condescension in my voice, "may I ask why you brought a Diamond Dog into our camp? Surely you can't think it's prey."

The phoenix cocked his head and shifted his gaze to the Diamond Dog, which had, by this point, taken a menacing step in my direction; presumably, he saw me as the weaker of the two. I shifted my gaze to Soundspeed, who was glancing at the saddlebag on the ground next to him, where he likely had some sort of weapon that could thwart the dog from attacking if the pony managed to get it out in time.

That was unlikely and we both knew it.

I looked back to the dog and shifted to a more aggressive stance. "Okay, here's the deal: the three of us go our separate ways, and this situation doesn't get more volatile than it already is. Neither of us wants a fight, I’m sure."

The dog's face split into a wide, feral grin, and he let out an unsettling cackle. "Oh, but we do want a fight, Strange Thing," he said in a voice that reminded me of gravel being crushed. "You brought the Mad Pony into our grounds. Me and my clan don’t like that."

I scoffed. "So what? We were just passing through. There's no real issue unless you make one out of it."

Soundspeed glanced over at me for a half second, before shifting ever-so-slightly towards his saddlebag. We had a little unspoken plan between us now: I couldn’t outright intimidate the Diamond Dog, but I could buy the pony time until he got whatever it was he needed out of his luggage. It seemed we weren't getting out of there until he did.

Cracking my neck, I tightened my grip on Reginald. "Why would you even want a fight, huh? What would come of it?"

The dog growled and moved his paw into the pocket of a jacket he was wearing. "If we fight, then we get rid of both you and the Mad Pony. Our glorious leader has offered twice the normal amount of gems if we bring him proof of his death."

Soundspeed snorted. "That little runt should come out and face me like a stallion, or whatever it is you tick infested furballs call a manly male." He scratched his chin thoughtfully. "Come to think of it, you wouldn't have any reason to have a word for that, would you?"

The dog snarled at Soundspeed and pulled his paw out of his jacket, and I saw that wrapped in his grip was what appeared to be a small whistle. He brought it to his mouth and blew into it before either of us could react, and almost instantly the ground beneath us began to shake. More dogs tunneling underneath us to get to us, for sure.

Both Soundspeed and Oswald took to the air, leaving me stranded to deal with the dog that had literally blown the whistle on us. I charged at him, catching him off guard, and got him with an overhead blow that sent him to the ground with a howl of pain. He’d been way too busy smiling smugly at my flying companions to notice I was about to introduce Reginald to his skull.

I looked up at Oswald and Soundspeed, the latter of which was frantically rifling through his saddlebag. I was about to call out for him to hurry up when I felt a powerful pair of hands wrap around my chest, and with a yelp, I was thrown backwards, landing with a thud on the ground. I looked up to see a trio of Diamond Dogs standing over me, while a fourth crawled out of a freshly made hole in the ground.

Before I could react, two of the dogs grabbed me by the arms and began dragging me towards the hole. I came to my senses in time to struggle against them, but the third grabbed my legs. The fourth snatched Reginald out of my grasp and swung away.

What happened starts with a ‘K’ and ends with an ‘O’, and it’s a two-letter word. You have one guess.

~~~

I absentmindedly rub the back of my head at the spot where the dog hit me. "It kind of hurt, to be honest."

"Kind of?” Rarity snorts somewhat derisively. It doesn’t hide her concern very well. “Darling, I hardly imagine the splitting headache you must have had when you woke up. Even I didn't go through that when they kidnapped me."

I shrug. "Well, about that, Soundspeed did say the Diamond Dogs on the outskirts were nastier than the wussies that took you," I explain. "But maybe they would have done it to you if you had struggled more."

Her worried expression turned to one of mild anger. "I wouldn't want to be them if they did try something like that to me," she growls. "I can do far more than just whine and complain."

Oswald snorts, causing Rarity to shoot him her best glare, and he hides his face behind one of his wings. I shake my head with a smirk. "I’m sure, Rarity, I’m sure. Well, anyway, I really doubt whining and complaining would have helped me very much. If they were willing to go less-lethal just for a little struggling… I’d be really afraid of pissing them off.” My smirk widens by a few more teeth. “Of course, that would only stand if I hadn’t witnessed what happened some time later.”

~~~

For the second time that day, I was woken up by a splash of cold water to the face. I sputtered and sat up, which made my head feel like it was being split open by a jackhammer. I lay back down with a groan, which earned me a kick in the gut.
"Get up, Strange Thing!" commanded the voice of a dog. "Our leader has demanded your presence."

"Tell him to stick Reginald where the sun don’t shine," I groaned.

The dog snarled and used his foot to roll me on my back, letting me see that I was surrounded by the same quartet that had kidnapped me in the first place, one of whom was holding Reginald in his dirty paws. Said dog smirked at me. "Oh, you mean your precious little stick?" he snickered, raising it high in the air, and brought it down on his knee in an attempt to snap it in half.

We all heard a crack all right, but it wasn't Reginald. In fact, the staff didn’t have a single scratch on it.

The sound actually came from the leg of the dog, who was now writhing and screaming on the floor while clutching his knee. The other three looked on at him uneasily. "That wasn't supposed to happen," one of them mumbled to his fellows. The other two nodded solemnly, and the dog who just talked sighed. "One of us should take him to the infirmary."

"Yeah," the other two said in unison.

However, all three dogs all continued to stare at their injured comrade, who whimpered profusely, almost in tears. The one who had spoken up originally frowned at his two companions. "Well don't everydog move at once now!" he snapped sarcastically.

"Okay," the other two agreed.

Another pause fell over the group, and the first dog growled angrily. He walked up to the injured dog and grabbed his arms. "Get the Strange Thing to our leader," he ordered as he lifted his comrade, "then come help me with this moron."

The two others nodded and turned back to me, one kicking me to get me to stand up while the other grabbed Reginald off of the ground. Slowly, I got to my feet and allowed myself to be led to whoever this leader was. If I didn't have the opportunity to escape then, I figured I might as well play along until the opportunity did arise. You know, make things easier for myself.

Having said that, if their leader wanted me dead, then I'd fight even if there was no opportunity.

The forced march to the leader's room only took a few minutes or so, and soon enough we found ourselves in front of two armored dogs, each of whom grabbed one of my arms and dragged me inside. I was dumped pretty unceremoniously on the ground in front of the paws of a truly massive Diamond Dog, who scrutinized me with a hardened glare.

He looked pretty intimidating, I’ll give him that, and that’s saying something when compared to his minions. Still that was no reason for me to not give him a hard time if I could. I looked him dead in the eye. "So, you're the shot caller."

The dog opened his mouth to respond, but was cut off by a very high pitched voice. "What?! Of course he's not! Don't you be widiculous!"

A confused look spread across my face as I looked around the room to see who had spoken, but I found no one. I looked back up at the gigantic dog in front of me, who seemed surprisingly nervous, but before I could ask another question, a pair of tiny paws came down on his thigh and gave him a sharp push. "What have I said about moving if fwont of me?! I am the weader, and nodog moves in fwont of me!"

The massive dog whimpered ever so slightly but moved aside to reveal the real leader. My jaw dropped when I saw him.
The fearsome and revered leader of the Diamond Dog pack… was a Chihuahua. And he was absolutely freaking adorable.

He was probably only reached up to my thigh, so you shouldn’t be surprised when I tell you, his attempts to look regal in front of me almost made me burst out laughing right then and there. His collar had a tiny heart-shaped gemstone fixed to the front of it, and his ears were flattened behind his head. I suppose an amused smile must have crossed my face right then, because he deepened his frown. "What is so funny about me, Stwange Thing?"

Oh man, the lisp… that lisp completed the whole thing. This creature had seriously become the leader of a clan of Diamond Dogs that even Soundspeed was a little nervous around? How do you figure that? I shook my head to clear it, all the time having to suppress another chuckle. "So you're the pack leader of the Diamond Dogs in this area, huh?"

“Wha-“ he gasped and began jumping up and down and pointing at me, exactly like I would expect a four-year-old kid to do. "Swtike him! Stwike him! Why doesn't he know the wule that he can only answer qwestions I ask?!"

I was about to retort with something clever, but was cut off when a massive paw smacked me across the head, something that only served to worsen the ache.

Okay, maybe I shouldn't piss this guy off while he has a brick outhouse nearby to do his bidding.

The head dog snickered at my pain, sticking his nose up in the air. "Now, pwease state your name and species, weird cweature."

I pushed myself back to my knees and rubbed the ground zero to dull the pain. "My name is TD, and I'm a human."

"A human?" he asked, confused.

"Let me guess: never heard of them?"

He shook his head. "I have not," he replied snootily. "But it stands to weason that you are a far weaker being than us dogs if we were able to capture you so easiwy."

"Tell that to the two of you I put on medical leave," I snarked. "Not to mention it's kind of cowardly when you attack one person with four dogs, and from behind at that."

The head dog giggled like a schoolgirl. "You give excuses for the natuwe of your defeat, eh? That's only to be expected fwom a lesser wace."

I bit my tongue to prevent myself from blurting out that humans keep dogs as pets where I come from and he would more than likely be some fat socialite’s lap adornment back there, opting for remaining silent. Little mister big cheese, on the other hand, took my silence as a victory and came a few steps closer to me for a more detailed examination. "So, you're called a human, eh?" He reached out with his paw and touched one of my arms. "You do not look vewy stwong, but maybe we can fix that with some good manual labor."

My eyes narrowed at the thought of being one of their 'student athletes'. I leaned my head in close. "Look here, buster, I was just passing through here, and I'm not in the mood for providing you with free labor, mister... uh, whatever your name is."

The dog glared at me. "Huo."

"Your name," I repeated. "I want to know your name.”

"Huo!" the dog said again, a little louder than before.

"You!"

"Huo!"

I scoffed, incredulously shaking my head. "Look, I just want to know what your name is! Just because I'm a prisoner down here doesn't mean that I don't get to know something as simple as that!"

"HUO!" he practically screamed.

I groaned. "Is this some kind of joke or what?"

"Need something?" one of the dogs spoke behind me.

I turned around and shot him a bewildered look. "What?"

"Yes?"

I put my hands on my head, ready to rub my temples. "Why are you responding? Unless you're willing to tell me his name."

"Huo," the dog said with a nod.

I pointed to the lead cur behind me, who, if the bulging vein in his neck was any indication, was about two seconds from blowing a gasket. "HIS NAME!"

"Huo."

"Watt, what are you doing messing awound with the human?!" Huo growled. Oh, wait, didn’t I mention I’d long since figured the whole gag out? That was just a prank I couldn’t help pulling. It was just too priceless and convenient for me not to do it.

"Why did you say 'what' twice?" I asked confusedly.

"I didn't!" yelled Huo. "I only said ‘what’ once!"

I shook my head patiently. "No, you said 'what what are you doing messing around with the human?'"

"He said my name in there," the guard dog responded.

I turned back to him with my face contorted in frustration. "What's your name?"

"Exactly," said a second guard with a nod.

"Exactly is your name?"

"No, Watt."

"I'm asking you!" I shouted, then sighed, massaging my head. "Ugh, this could have all been avoided if you just told me his name in the first place."

"HUO!!" yelled every dog in the room almost in unison.

"HIM!" I barked right back, pointing at the angry shot caller.

Both guards opened their mouths, but Huo let out a piercing shriek that sounded vaguely like an ‘ENOUGH!!!’ “Watt, I'm changing your name to Wye!" he said between ragged breaths, pointing at the dog in question.

He cocked his head. "Why?"

"That's wight," Huo said back.

"What?" asked the confused guard.

Huo snarled, ready to pop his cork off again. "No, your name is not Watt, it's Wye!"

"But why? Watt–"

"NO NONONONONONO I'M NOT DOING THIS ANYMOWE!" Hou screeched, spitting out a little bit of foam. Whee, look at the champagne fly!

By that point I'd nearly keeled over from lack of breath. I just couldn’t suck in any more air; everything came out in the laughs I’d exploded into a while back. "THAT'S IT!" Huo screamed. "Take him away! I want him working the mines until he dies!"

"Oh come on,” I giggled, “don't be like that, Napoleon."

"Shut up!" he shouted, turning to his minions. "Now you take him away and get him stawted on pulling those gem carts! Consider yourself vewy lucky if you're not dead by the end of the week!"

I shrugged and stood up. In truth, I was expecting Soundspeed and Oswald any minute now, which was why I wasn't too worried about this whole thing. Worst case scenario, I'm in their custody for a day or two, and Soundspeed comes to get me.

Even if not, those flea bags were way too stupid for me not to give them the slip sooner or later.

Author's Note

After the downer that was The Breaking of a Non-Brony, I figured something lighter and sillier was in order.

You Know, Soundspeed Isn't the Only One Who Can Kick Plot

Ten minutes of being poked and prodded with spears intended to keep me moving left me in front of a large cart so filled with gems I think Rarity would go gaga for it.

What, it's true, isn't it? I mean... Oh, same to you then! Yeah, you heard me!

Anyway, I was standing in front of a cart of gems that I was in no possible way capable of moving on my own. The harness that was supposed to attach me to the cart was meant for ponies, or at the very least creatures used to walking on all fours. Me? Yep, humans don’t quite fit that bill. I couldn't pull a cart that heavy even if they paid me – sure, I'd be more inclined to try if they did, but that wouldn’t change the end result.

Not that it stopped the dogs in charge from trying to make me. Wye pointed ahead. "Pull."

"I can't. I'm not strong enough."

"You won't know that unless you pull!” interrupted a weasel-y dog next to me, the one who had Reginald grasped firmly in his paws. I so dearly wished I could take it and thwack him over the head with it without getting speared by ten different lances right then… “Now pull the cart!"

I figured I wasn't going to get out of being forced to at least trying out the deed, so I tried my best to put the harness on in a way that would give me leverage. The thing was absolutely filthy, and rough enough that I imagined it would tear my shirt to shreds after a long day. Even so, straining my muscles, I began moving the cart forwards, slowly but surely. Though the wheels did help a lot in that, it was just as heavy as I'd imagined it. It was like moving a boulder on wheels.

The dog beside me glared at me and smacked me in the back of the head. "Faster, human, faster! I want to drop this load off at the depository before this month is up!"

"Pull it yourself, then, flea brain," I grumbled. "How far is the depository anyway?"

"We'll get there when we get there," chided Watt. “Now pull.”

I sneered and put the harness down. "Well, then unless one of you helps me, it'll be a long time before we get there. So there."

Considering Soundspeed's warning, I was playing with fire, but heck if I was going to do anything against my will to the best of my abilities. They were going to tear their ears out in frustration long before that. I owed myself that much.

I cracked my neck and rotated my arm a few times – I had to limber up in the inevitable event that enough of them got careless and I could zoom out of there, free as a bird that has left three Diamond Dogs a conjoined bloody mess on the ground. Hopefully I'd get a shot at that midget wanker before I got out. If Soundspeed and Oswald found their way to me in that meantime, then I'd request to be allowed the tantalizing right to punt that little rascal into next week before we made off for Zebrica.

The Diamond Dogs around me were not so amused, though, which I figured might be a problem. Watt in particular seemed as though he wanted to use his spear to end me right there. He took a deep breath to center himself, though, something that surprised me. "If you don’t want to work now, we’re just gonna have to convince you in time."

I rolled my eyes. "Oh yeah, and what is–"

I felt another sharp pain in my head as the Diamond Dog holding Reginald went in for another KO from behind me.

~~~

I scratch the side of my head, where the second attack hit home. "Come to think of it, I'm kinda surprised that I didn't suffer any brain damage from all of the blows to the head."

Twilight cocks her head. "How do you know you didn't?" A look from me and she flattens her ears, blushing. "No offense or anything, TD, but it seems that being knocked out twice over the course of what sounds like an hour at most would have, er... you know..."

I wave a hand to assuage her lame explanation. "I'm getting to that."

~~~

I woke up some time later, I'm not sure how much, in a dirty, musty room, locked off with iron bars on the only entrance. I sat up, groaning and rubbing the spot of the latest hit. "They really gotta stop doing that," I grumbled to myself.

"You should stop being so difficult!" growled a voice outside the cell. I looked up, scoffing when I saw the usual trio standing on the other side, all of them scowling at me, one menacingly tapping Reginald on his paw. "If you're going to be impossible to work with, then this will be your punishment. You will be locked in here for a day with no food or water." He leaned in closer to the bars. "Then maybe you will be a little more cooperative."

I frowned and stood up. "Won't that make me weaker and less able to work?"

The dogs all began snickering, like there was some inside joke that I was missing out on. "You should have thought of that before you began wining, human!" howled the one holding Reginald. With a few more cackles that really made me wish that I was the one holding that quarterstaff, the dogs walked off to do whatever it is that Diamond Dogs do, which was most likely pull that gem cart.

They must’ve been pretty unhappy when they realized that.

I sat back down, figuring I actually wasn't going anywhere, as I didn't have the means to actually pick the lock. Well, I'd be able to if I could use dirt, but unfortunately, if such a technique even exists, I was unaware of it.

~~~

At this Pinkie Pie's mouth splits into a wide grin and she begins bouncing excitedly in her chair. "OOH, OOH, OOH, I KNOW! I know how to do that!"

I raise my eyebrow, cocking my head to the side. "You do?"

She nods proudly. "Mrs. Cake taught me how."

At this, I find myself even more surprised than before. The local baker's wife knows how to pick locks, and with dirt, no less?

Twilight, for her part, unsurprisingly seems equally perplexed. "When was this?"

"About a month before you came to Ponyville. Why?"

Twilight frowns. "Maybe I’m asking because it would have gotten us out of the packing tape incident quicker?"

Pinkie's ears droop slightly. She chuckles nervously. "Uum, yeah…"

Twilight rolls her eyes. "Please continue," she says to me.

~~~

Anyway, I was sitting in the cell, contemplating my escape, as all people who sit in cells tend to do. My thought process lead me to realize that unless Soundspeed and Oswald found me, I might be there for a while, which wasn't exactly the optimal scenario, given Huo’s assurance that I'd be lucky to last a week. That'd be particularly true if I kept ending up in a cell to starve, which would cause a vicious cycle of me being too weak to work and thus being thrown back in there.

Of course there was the added issue that even if I got Reginald back from the dogs and knocked out my immediate captors, that still left an unknown amount of dogs around and an unknown path to the exit. Those tunnels likely went on for miles, and I could find myself wandering around in them for a long time. I supposed I could hold Huo hostage and have him lead me out, but that still left the issue of getting out of here with the strength to fight my way to that objective. It was like swapping six for half a dozen.

I groaned, rubbing my temples. It was going to be harder than I thought. I didn't fancy having to be the... uh... damsel in distress, so to speak, for this scenario, and have Soundspeed hold that over my head. Knowing him as I did, he'd likely snark my sanity off about it. But it might have to be the price for me to pay.

I laid back on the most comfortable spot of dirt I could find, contemplating the idea of Soundspeed coming for the rescue at all. He didn't have any reason to do it, as far as I was aware. He'd be free of somebody he suspected would snitch his whereabouts to Equestria, and maybe he figured he'd get Oswald in the deal along with whatever was in my backpack.

That left Oswald, the clumsy bird that put me in this scenario in the first place, to come rescue me if I couldn't find a way out myself.

Overall, things were looking pretty bleak.

It was about that time that I became aware of the headache that had come from those stupid dogs continuously knocking me over the head with Reginald, and I decided it would probably be for the best if I just slept it off. I’d be able to think better, and fight harder if I was at full strength anyway. With that, I closed my eyes, shifting a bit to move away from a rock digging into my back, and fell asleep.

* * * *

The land of the awake came rushing back to me, bringing with it screams and uncomfortable heat. My eyes quickly opened and I sat up, with only a second to relish my now gone headache before I began to wonder just what the heck had woken me up in the first place.

Somebody was screaming. In fact, a lot of somebodies were. That, and it kept getting hotter as each second progressed. I questioned whether somebody was building a fire or if the caves themselves were on fire.

No, that was ridiculous. Dirt couldn't catch on fire as far as I knew. For that matter, there wasn't any smoke that I could see, so either it hadn't reached me yet, or the heat came from something else entirely. I wondered what Diamond Dogs would have that would create that kind of heat… but they sounded like the ones screaming. Maybe whatever was warming my cell up didn't come from them.

I walked over to the bars and tried my best to see down the nearest tunnel, to see light from the direction where the heat was the most intense. And more, the light was getting brighter, so whatever it was, was coming this way. A thought crossed my mind: there was only one kind of creature that I would expect to radiate that much heat and light. The kind of creature that, based on the accounts I heard, does so whenever it gets really, really, REALLY worked up.

You know, the kind of emotions a creature would be feeling if its 'mother' was taken away.

The light got so bright, I had to shield my eyes from it. It was coming. The brightness reached its zenith and I heard a loud squawk of what I assumed was joy. My expectations had come true. "Oswald!"

The light and heat faded almost instantly and the feathered moron flew over to the bars, allowing me to scratch his head feathers the way he likes. He cooed contentedly just as my other odd companion came down the hall with what appeared to be sunglasses balanced on his muzzle and something attached to his forelegs. "Well hello there, Soundspeed. Nice of you to show up."

He took the sunglasses carefully off of his face, taking his time folding them before putting them in a pocket in his saddlebag, which he had strapped to his back along with my own pack. "No need to be sarcastic, human, I'm only here because the bird said so."

Oswald cooed happily again. I smirked. "He's persuasive, huh?"

"This feathered screwball just wouldn't leave me alone!” the pony whined in clear frustration. “He set my saddlebag on fire twice before I agreed to come find you!"

My smirk became a grin. "He does that."

Soundspeed scowled. "Too frequently, if you ask me." He reached back into his pack and pulled out what appeared to be a lockpick of some sort.

Within a minute, I was free. I thanked him and took my backpack off of his back. "We still need to get Reginald before we go, though."

The pegasus frowned. "That old piece of termite chow? What for?"

I returned his frown with one of my own. "Because I said so, and because I can always have Oswald set your stuff on fire again."

Soundspeed backed up, one leg raised defensively. "Hey now, no need for that, we'll get your stick!” He turned serious. “But then we're outta here, get it?"

I rolled my eyes. "Well duh."

It was at that point that I registered what he had strapped to his forelegs again. They appeared to be greaves with some sort of blade attachment on the outside. "What are those?"

He looked where I was pointing. "These? Why, these are the standard Royal Guard combat hoof boots, of course! I would have brought my wing blades, but you can't fit those into saddlebags very well."

I cocked my head. "Standard, huh? So most races use those?"

Soundspeed beckoned for us to move as he explained. "For hoof-to-hoof combat, yeah, since even earth ponies can use it. Of course, pegasi have wing blades and unicorns have their fancy magic, but that isn't really effective at close range, so most unicorn solders are trained to use them, too."

"Not those polearms that Celestia's guards have?"

Soundspeed snorted as we turned to walk down another tunnel. "And just how well do you think a race without fingered paws can use those? I was told those things are too cumbersome to use even for unicorns." He examined his boot for a moment. "Practicality: that’s where the goods are."

~~~

I look up at Celestia as a thought strikes me. "So, are your guards trained in their use? I don’t remember ever seeing them with those."

"Of course they are,” she nods. “Wearing them in public is not a habit, as they were never seen as necessary before the changeling raid, but they would certainly have been able to use them if they could have."

"Kinda seems like an oversight in my opinion, not equipping them when you knew there was a threat."

Celestia sighs. "Yes I suppose it was. Of course once the changelings were revealed a few of my guards equipped them but they were overpowered before they could effectively use them."

I smirk. "So that whole invasion being successful was due to a list of mistakes regarding security measures, wasn't it?"

I put up my hands when I’m sneered at. Hey, it’s her fault the nerve was there for me to strike in the first place. I look back at Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy. "I take it you were trained to use them, too?"

Rainbow nods. "Them and wing blades, but like I said, I dumped everything about them from my head as soon as I left."

The butter pegasus in front of me flattens her ears. "Um... well, I was kinda trained to use them too," Fluttershy mumbles.

"You were? I thought you were from the medical crew."

Dash nods. "No pegasus soldier goes in the battlefield without knowing how to defend her or himself if necessary. Minotaurs have the honor not to attack medics, but griffins aren't so picky, mercs in particular."

"So you learned how to kill with them?"

Fluttershy is silent for the briefest of moments, but before I know it, she has gotten out of her chair and is darting towards me with a speed that I didn't quite expect from the timid pegasus. I’m caught so off-guard I don’t react, and so I find myself with her left foreleg at my jugular and her left wing touching my head.

Oswald squawks angrily, bristling fiercely at the perceived attack, but once he realizes it’s a mock up, he calms down. I clear my throat nervously. "Well… seems like somepony didn’t forget her training."

At that, Fluttershy being Fluttershy, the mare throws the offending foreleg around my neck and tightens the grip she’s already got. "I'm sorry!" she wails. "I should have just said 'yes' and not…!"

I recover rather quickly from the shock of learning that, of all ponies, this one could sever my neck open given the right weaponry, motivation and window of opportunity, and move to calm her down. "Nah it's okay, it’s all fun and games as long as no one gets hurt. Besides, it was pretty amazing."

Fluttershy breaks away from the hug. "Really?"

I nod. "Sure was, it caught me with my pants down! Have you been practicing?"

She shakes her head. "It's not that I've been practicing so much as it’s me being good at remembering things.” She turns smug, or at least as smug as someone with her personality can get. “How else do you think I would remember the individual needs of over two dozen different species?"

I thoughtfully stroke my beard. "I’d say ‘muscle memory’, but guess that makes sense, too." I squeeze the pony another time, and with a squeak and a bit of a blush, she breaks off and flies back to her seat. It gives me the opportunity to snicker at Rainbow Dash’s completely surprised expression, which hasn’t waned off in the slightest. Guess it’s established who’s the better fighter here.

~~~

I went on down the tunnel, ahead of Soundspeed and Oswald, since I was the only one who knew where the lispy runt's throne room thingamabob, the most likely place for the dog with Reginald to be, was. I figured that, in a time of crisis, Huo would surround himself with his lapdogs… no pun intended.

It figures that I’d be right only on the grimmest guess so far. When we turned and entered into what I remembered to be the sort of main tunnel, we were confronted with Huo, Watt – who was now Wye –, the big dog I thought was the alpha, and half a dozen other dogs, all of them armed to the teeth one, one of them with Reginald even.

Huo grinned evilly at us. "So, your pathetic wittle escape attempt has faiwed, human." He turned his shifty gaze to Soundspeed. "And you even did us the favow of luwing dear Soundspeed to us. How thoughtfuw."

Soundspeed glared at him. "We're not the ones at a disadvantage here."

Huo took on a mocking tone. "Oh but I'm afwaid you awe! As you can doubtwessly see, it is nine of us and thwee of you, and two of you are unawmed."

Watt shifted nervously. "Uuuh, actually, the bird is fairly dangerous. Thought you should know."

Huo huffed, irritated. "Fine, two mildwy dangewous beings and a weakling. You can see the disadvantage."

"I'll concede the point," said Soundspeed. "Get another dozen dogs and the fight will be even."

Huo snickered. "What a steweotypical thing to say at the hour of your demise."

Soundspeed took a menacing step forward, spreading his wings out. "Let's end this like we should have last week, dirt-eater!"

"Ladies fiwst!" cackled Huo. Having said that, he shot his paw forward at the pegasus. "Kill him, boys! I want him dead within the minute!"

Instantly three guards charged forward, spears in paw. Soundspeed, for his part, merely rolled his eyes and took to the air, hovering directly above their reach. They jabbed and slashed at him with their spearheads, but he dodged them rather expertly; whether or not it was during his military time, he had done this before.

One of the dogs overreached, and the ex-Wonderbolt took advantage of it. With a speed that surprised even me he shot down with a foreleg extended and sliced the guard deep into his shoulder and across the chest. He fell to the floor with a whine that didn’t last long. Before the other two guards could react to any of it, Soundspeed spun and swung both of his forelegs forward, using his wings for balance, and stabbed them into the dogs’ backs. They fell, too, alive but so crushed with pain they couldn’t even breathe.

Soundspeed turned back to Huo with a smug grin on his face. "Ready to give up or must we continue this?"

Huo sputtered out some unintelligible blabber, still pointing at him. "Kill him! All of you chawge him and kill him! Twiple the jewews for anydog who does!"

Emboldened by the bribe, the other grunts charged forward eagerly, including the one holding Reginald, to the point where they jumped over their fallen brothers without a blink. However, they had made a mistake: in their hurry to flank Soundspeed, they left an opening between them, one that Soundspeed quickly squeezed through.

With a violent and well-aimed buck, two more dogs fell exactly like the stabbed duo. The third was off by a third of a second to parry the metal claws that got buried right under his jaw. He went limp so fast, I doubted Soundspeed hadn’t pierced his spinal column with that blow.

Three more dogs were down… one of them the one who had Reginald.

Soundspeed didn’t miss a beat, and he wheeled back around with the staff in his teeth, using his momentum to toss it to me. He threw a tad high, but I reached up into the air with a leap and snatched it right out of the air, spinning it in my hand to kill its momentum in a move that was pretty awesome, if I say so myself.

Now the tables had turned: all three on our side were able to fight to their fullest, and there were only Huo, Watt, and the large dog left. Soundspeed had proven himself very skilled with the combat boots, and it didn't take a martial arts master to swing something as hard and light as Reginald with enough force to crack some bones, or at least feint a dog to a position where Soundspeed could ambush it.

My first target in the fight was Watt's head, but to my surprise, he dodged the attack and pulled a knife out of his vest pocket. I spared a glance back at Oswald, who’d been strangely inactive the whole time, and motioned for him to go help Soundspeed with the larger dog. If nothing else, he'd prove a valuable distraction.

I myself got so distracted with the bird that Watt managed to lunge at me with his knife and I was none the wiser. I dodged as best as I could, but the tip caught on my shirt and tore a large gash in it. I thanked the Lord I’d moved enough that it wasn't my skin being ripped.

I maneuvered myself to a spot where I had enough room to swing Reginald, but Watt dodged my clumsy attack and stabbed at my head. I ducked as I stepped back, and his knife hit nothing but air.

I noticed that Soundspeed and Oswald seemed to be doing pretty well with their own fights. The large dog dwarfed them by a considerable margin, but the pegasus gave no ground. Not only that, while the dog was confined to the ground, Oswald and Soundspeed were not. That's not to say there weren't issues: between my evasions, I saw Soundspeed was starting to get tired, while the large dog had energy to spare.

As for Huo, well, his two remaining dogs largely ignored the commands he yelled out as he jumped up and down. He wasn’t about to leap in the fray, that’s for sure.

As I continued to dodge Watt's attacks and offer up a few clumsy ones of my own, I heard the one sound I didn’t wish to hear: footsteps. A lot of them. There were more dogs in the caves and they were coming to join in the fight.

I have to admit, I was pretty worried at that point. Soundspeed had proved quick and efficient at taking the dogs down before, but he had his limits, and at the rate he was exhausting himself, the dogs’ reinforcements would overwhelm us. Soundspeed and Oswald could stay in the air no problem, but I was an utterly different matter, and if any of them had the idea to get down and help me...

From the corner of my eye, I saw Soundspeed make another dive down towards the dog, who swiped at the pegasus with his spear. Oswald, in a move that surprised me, quickly grasped the spear in his claws, reducing the shaft to ashes in seconds. His opening presented, Soundspeed swung in an uppercut. It connected.

That was just when more dogs arrived.

In a moment so foolish I’m sure I will regret it forever, I turned my full attention from the battle I was currently fighting to the dogs who had just entered the tunnel. By my count, there were at least twelve of them, all massing behind Huo and rearing to join the fight at his command.

It was a dumb mistake that Watt didn't fail to capitalize on. With the speed I’d come to expect from him, he knocked Reginald aside with one paw and thrust the other one forwards. The result? A knife on my stomach, buried right up to the guard.

With a cry of pain – seriously, it hurt more than anything I've ever felt before or since, and yes, that includes the beating you three gave me –, I collapsed onto the ground.

To be continued....

Right now

I saw Soundspeed staring, horrified, while Watt looked really smug.

Huo howled triumphantly. "Ha ha! Ha ha ha! It looks like he weally was weak in the end after all!” He turned to Soundspeed and Oswald. “You are awone and tiwed, my feathewy foes. My dogs will make short work of you if you decide not to fwee wike the cowards you are!"

Soundspeed wasn’t even close to getting a word out: a very loud screech filled the air. Everybody who could covered their ears as the unholy sound echoed throughout the tunnels, and I swear the soil vibrated with it. It took me a second to figure out that there was only one being in the tunnel that could have made that noise:

Oswald.

I turned my head in his direction, and saw that he had taken wing, now glowing with an outright diabolic red light. Just so you have an idea, he could have scared the devil himself, so you can guess how the dogs must have felt.

Both Huo and Watt turned tail and ran for their lives after their already escaping grunts, whimpering like kicked puppies. Oswald flew after them and their backup, shrieking like a banshee. The whimpers of all fourteen dogs were cut short in an instant, not three seconds after they turned a corner and out of sight. Based on how long it took, I'd wager they didn't even make it fifty feet before Oswald got to them. The tunnel was eerily silent for a good fifteen seconds, a time in which I reached to pull the knife out, only to be stopped by Soundspeed, who put a hoof on my hand and shook his head.

Finally, we heard the pitter-patter of what sounded like claws on the bedrock. We looked at the tunnel entrance where the dogs and Oswald had gone through, and from which my phoenix buddy walked out. No, not flew, walked. His whole demeanor was that of an action hero after a really awesome battle that he shrugged off, because it was no big deal to him.

The next part happened in slo-mo, I swear. I don't know how, but it did. The tunnels were rattled by a violent explosion that shot out flame and molten rock that bounced off of the wall in front of it. It was like Oswald had placed a bomb to get rid of his evidence. Needless to say, I don't think any of the dogs lived to see the next day.

Yep, Oswald was walking away in slow motion from a giant explosion. If that isn't an action movie commonplace, then I don't know what is. Well, he could have been putting on a pair of sunglasses…

That’s not to say it didn’t look really awesome, because it did.

When the shock of the spectacle wore off, the pain of getting shanked returned with a vengeance. My groan snapped both Oswald and Soundspeed out of their current moods. Oswald whimpered when he saw it and buried his head in my neck, wrapping his wings around my chest. I chuckled and scratched his head. "Hey Oswald, in terms of something like that being the last thing I ever see… well, I think I'm content with it. If I’d known you could–" I got interrupted by a gasp from myself when I rapped my hand against the knife on accident.

Soundspeed, for his part, moved his head closer and examined the injury. "Um… listen, I know this may be a little soon, but if you croak here, can I have your bird? I…"

He was cut off by a combination of a glare from me and a wail from Oswald. I felt my neck become wet with tears as Oswald sobbed into it. "I didn't know phoenixes could cry," I muttered to myself, patting the bird. "Hey, buddy, it's alright. It doesn't really even hurt anymore.” It was true: I couldn’t even feel the pain. Maybe it was death coming to take me to pony heaven, or just the shock settling in and making me pass out, only for me to wake up to it again with an infection to boot.

Then, a metal blade clinked against stone. But… I didn’t remember taking the knife out. Not only that, but the numbness was gone, too.

I gently pushed Oswald away and looked down at the stab. Sure enough, the knife was out, and not only had the wound stopped bleeding, but it had scarred, too. In fact, it looked several months old.

Soundspeed brushed a hoof against the scar, looking as surprised as I felt, while Oswald shared our expressions. "So phoenix tears do have healing powers," he muttered. He looked back up at me. "Well, either that or you have quite the regenerative powers yourself."

Of all fictional accounts of phoenix magic, it had to be Harry Potter to get it right. Who knew?

I got to my feet, contemplating things. I really did feel pretty good, all things considered. "I think it was Oswald, because I don’t remember anything that could have got me to regenerate like some mutant.”

Soundspeed looked over at Oswald, who was now cooing happily and nuzzling my leg. "Okay, you're not gonna die anymore… but can I still have the bird?"

"Soundspeed?"

"Yeah?"

"Shut up."

"… alright."

TD and the Zebras

The ponies are now looking at me silently, each mulling over my words. While Applejack and Rainbow Dash are riveted by the story, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and Fluttershy look horrified at the recount. Celestia, for her part, is surprisingly expressive, at least from my point of view – her ears have drooped just a microscopic tad, and the very edges of her eyelids are a little angled.

None of them have anything on Twilight, though – she’s so pale that, if not for her eye color, I swear I could have mistaken her for Rarity trying out her trademark mane-do. “And you still complain about us worrying for you after you were gone?!” she finally shrieks indignantly.

I wince a little. “Well, if it helps any, I learned a lot from the experience. I knew better than to look away from my opponent from then onwards.”

I get fixed with a scrutinizing stare by her, though after a moment, she seems satisfied enough with my sincerity for her attention to drift elsewhere. “So phoenix tears do have healing properties…” she muses quietly, taking in the sight of Oswald. “That was always regarded as a myth due to lack of evidence.”

I snort and scratch Oswald's head feathers. "Believe it, sister, those tears of his helped out one heck of a lot along the way. I was never nearly disemboweled as when Watt got me, but they had their uses for sure.”

Scootaloo frowns. "But that means you had to get it from Oswald somehow on a regular basis, right? I dunno, but it doesn't sound like phoenix tears just come when you want them to."

A small grin plays on my lips as I glance over at the bird in the room. "Well, I may have used some... underhanded tactics to get them from him."

~~~

Pretty much as soon as we got out of the caves and a good five miles away from the presumably empty Diamond Dog tunnels – you can never be too careful with them – I took one of my empty water bottles and placed a piece of tape on it, to mark it as the one with the phoenix tears. Then, I called Oswald over and began telling him the story of a little movie I like to call 'Titanic'.

I put one hand dramatically over my heart, extending the bottle under Oswald's beak. "...and then Rose begins shaking Jack as the lifeboats row towards them. ‘They're here, Jack,’ she says, but Jack doesn't move. He's…" I fake a sob, "… frozen to death during the night, along with hundreds of others, in the ice of the northern Atlantic Ocean. She continues shaking him, but she soon realizes that it's futile, and she pulls her hand out of his lifeless one. ‘I'll never let go, Jack,’ she whispers before letting his body sink into the ocean."

Granted, human bodies don’t sink in the water, but hey, atmosphere.

My plan worked really well; even before I was done, Oswald was sobbing into the bottle, and it wasn't more than a minute or so before it was full. I screwed the cap back on and hugged Oswald to calm him down. "Oswald, Oswald. Listen, it's okay, Jack and Rose weren't real people. Jack didn't die and Rose didn't have to let him sink."

Oswald looked up at me with wide eyes, whimpering. I smiled down at him and nodded, and he took a deep breath, wiping his eyes clear with a wing.

"B-But did she?" I heard Soundspeed ask shakily. "Did she never let go?"

I quirked an eyebrow, looking up at the pony, who was conspicuously covering his face with a wing. It hit me after a second or two, and I had to hide a grin. "Soundspeed, are you crying because of a story?"

"NO!" he snarled far too forcefully, folding his wing back at his side and lunging with his head forward. Yep, watery eyes all right. "I just have something in my eye is all!"

I held back a snicker. Sure, Soundspeed, whatever you say. "It's all good, you know. A lot of people cried when they watched Titanic."

"I wasn't crying," he insisted. "But, um... did you yourself cry?"

I shook my head proudly. "Not once… though that's not to say I didn't cry at other movies like Crash or The Color Purple. It’s just that Titanic never got to me."

Soundspeed grunted and stood up. "Well then, if we're gonna make it to one of the outer zebra settlements before nightfall, we better get going."

I nodded and followed his actions, placing my backpack over my shoulders and putting the phoenix tears in one of the more accessible pockets. "Uh, they're friendlier than the Diamond Dogs, right?"

"Oh, you'd better believe it," Soundspeed nodded vigorously. "You'd be more hard pressed to find a more welcoming people.” He stepped closer and began talking in a lower volume, “Just don't get on their bad side. They're peaceful and will never instigate conflict, but they still have one of the most formidable armies out there.”

I stared at him.

“It's a natural by-product of having Diamond Dogs on one side and some of the nastier Minotaur tribes on the other,” he explained. “Trust me, TD, even Huo wouldn't dare go up against a zebra scouting party, much less an army."

Yeah, he’d used my name for the first time. Maybe he was warming up to me already.

I looked uneasily over his way as I picked up Reginald. "And you're sure they won't think of me as a threat with one look."
He scoffed and beckoned for us to keep walking. "I'm sure. It's their policy to give other races the benefit of the doubt. They'll treat you the same as any other civilized creature, particularly when they see you with me."

"You've had dealing with the zebras?"

The pegasus nodded. "Yeah, sometimes, when it’s mutually beneficial. I'm good at giving them info about what's going on in my neck of the woods, and they give me supplies when I'm running low and can't get some myself. They're a decent lot."

I shrugged. "Sounds better than Equestria. When will we get there, if you were to guess?"

“The main tribe I know of is right in that direction," Soundspeed explained as he pointed towards the rapidly approaching hills. "Once we get past the hills, we should be able to see the city."

I cocked my head. "City?" I asked. "They live in a city?"

"Of course they do!" Soundspeed snapped as if I’d offended him personally. "What, did you think they lived in grass huts or something?"

I scratched the back of my neck uneasily as we reached the hills. "Well, for what it’s worth, the only Zebra I've ever met lives as a hermit in a tree in the middle of the forest, so..."

"Yeah, well, I went to Ponyville once and there was a whole library in a tree," he retorted irritably. "I didn't know you were so racist."

I sputtered indignantly while Oswald snickered beside me. "I'm not a racist!"

Soundspeed rolled his eyes. "Oh I'm sure you're not," he deadpanned. "You just thought all zebras live in grass huts because of the single one you've met. What, do you think all minotaurs are roving bands of mercenaries and griffins are bloodthirsty carnivorous animals, too?"

"No!" I insisted.

"I'm sure you didn't," he said condescendingly. "Now if you'll..."

His words were cut off when a loud war cry cut through our conversation. I looked wildly around us and saw no less than two dozen zebras charging directly at us, all armed with the bladed boots that Soundspeed had used against the Diamond Dogs. I quickly raised Reginald in self defense, while Oswald ignited his wings in an effort to prepare and intimidate. Soundspeed took to the air and put his own bladed boots on with a speed far greater than when the Diamond Dogs attacked.

The attacking zebras quickly surrounded us but could only look up at Oswald and Soundspeed flying beyond their reach. Really, the only one surrounded was me. Just my luck. I looked around at all the zebras around me, swinging Reginald wildly at any who got a little too close for comfort. Of course, if they did choose to attack, I'd be obliterated before I could breathe in, and the two above would probably just fly away after Oswald went ballistic again. But that wouldn’t raise me from the dead, so I learned from the last fight and kept my attention on all of them at the same time.

None of them made another hostile move, though, so, after half a minute or so of observation, I chanced a glance at Soundspeed. "What was that you were saying about them giving newcomers the benefit of the doubt? I believe that went hand in hand with you complimenting their amiability!" I yelled mockingly at him.

"That rotten pegasus is one of the biggest liars I have ever met!" said one of the zebras in front of me, a male. "We will defend our borders against ponies like him!"

Soundspeed glared at the zebra. "Oh, so it’s like that? I’m the liar? Maybe I wouldn't be if you actually lived up to your promises and kept the Diamond Dogs off of my front lawn instead of pointing them right to me!"

The zebra let out an indignant gasp. "We would never do something like that, you feathered brute!"

Soundspeed rolled his eyes. "Oh, bite me in the plot, you striped git."

It was in that moment that I realized something. There have been lots of times when I interacted with my family members, and the banter sounds like the two parties are mad at each other, when really it’s all in good heart. The fact that Soundspeed and this zebra were going at it without any grace, at least on his part, showed me that this was probably one of those times.

In addition to that, upon further inspection, I realized all of the blades on their weapons were made out of blunt wood. They couldn't cut me even if they wanted to.

I allowed myself a smirk and lowered Reginald. "Would you two lovebirds calm down? You're making a scene.”

Instantly the two of them turned to look at me, Soundspeed with a glare, but the zebra was clearly holding back a grin if the way the corners of his mouth were flickering up was any indication. Finally he let out a full laugh and shook his head. "I like this creature, Soundspeed! Where did you find him?"

Soundspeed rolled his eyes and set himself up for a landing. "Right on my doorstep. I thought he was a spy from Celestia."

The zebra rolled his eyes. "When are you going to pony up and apologize to her for..."

"NEVER! She has to apologize to me first!"

The zebra snorted. "It'll never happen, old friend."

Now it was Soundspeed's turn to roll his eyes. He glanced back up at me and motioned to his pal. "This is Tycho. One of Zenya’s main muckamucks, and the city’s supreme bonehead."

Tycho turned to me and inclined his head in a small bow, which I returned. "So, what are you if you? … if you don't mind me asking, of course."

"Not a problem, I’m kind of a novelty around these parts, anyway,” I told him with an eye roll of my own, though not directed at anyone in particular. “I'm a human, a creature from a whole different planet called Earth, and I was brought here by Celestia when she pulled me through a portal on accident."

Tycho raised his eyebrow. "A portal, you say?" he repeated with interest. "I didn’t know Celestia was capable of such things."

"Eh, she's only half-capable at most," I grumbled. "She can create portals and windows well enough, but she doesn't know how to pick a specific destination or what passes through. Hence my presence."

Tycho chuckled. "It would seem that way," he remarked. He turned his head back to Soundspeed. "I take it you two were on your way to Zenya, yes? Do you have business in the city?"

Soundspeed nodded. "Him more than me. I'm just a guide for him, since he's so much of a blockhead he lost a fight against a Diamond Dog. It was kinda embarrassing to watch," he teased.

I frowned. "Hey, come on, go easy on me! I’m sure you didn’t do well in your first fight either!"

“But between the two of us I'm not the one who nearly got gutted," he said simply.

Tycho flinched back, putting a hoof up. "Ooh, that must have hurt." He turned his gaze back to me. "So, I take it you hadn't gotten into a real fight before that."

"I just said that," I muttered sourly.

Tycho shrugged. "Well, since you seem to want to come to Zenya for whatever reason, let us lead you to it and you can tell us all about it."

I accepted.

* * * *

We arrived after a half-hour walk. I must say, I wasn't expecting a zebra community to look so... modern. Huh, maybe I was a little bit racist. But hey, everybody's a little bit racist sometimes.

Where was I? Oh yes, Zenya. I have to be honest, the city reminded me a lot of a larger version of Ponyville. The structures were largely the same, except that the construction materials were more hardened sod than the concrete, brick, and wood of you guys’ homes. There were a bunch of zebras walking around the city, just going about their business like ponies do. A few of them gave me looks of mild interest, though they didn't stare at me the way a lot of ponies did when I first arrived. A few of them greeted Soundspeed with a wave and even a few kind words, but on the whole, the populace largely left us alone.

Tycho trotted up alongside me and pointed at one of the larger buildings down the road without slowing down. "That's city hall. For anything official, that’s your sure-fire place to go. If he has the time, then you might be able to talk with the mayor, but no guarantees on that."

“Good to know that,” I said back, looking the same way. “I suppose I will end up having to chat with him, though if he’s that busy… can I get an appointment?”

The zebra snorted, looking me in the eye as if to ask ‘really?’.

The three of us walked in relative silence for a moment, as Tycho's noisy raiding party had dispersed when we entered the city. A thought struck me. "Say, Tycho."

"Yeah?"

"So I was wondering something…"

He smirked. "It's always good to have an inquisitive mind."

I grimaced, but chose to let the comment go. "So I met a zebra back in Ponyville when I lived there for a few months. She spoke in nothing but rhymes, and she had a way different accent than you do."

Tycho stopped in his tracks and turned to glare at me. "Let me ask you something, human: where you're from, does everybody speak exactly the same way across all of the different regions?"

I took an uneasy step back. "Well, no..."

"Zecora is from a region far north of where we are, closer to Griffonia, but the rhyming thing is just something she does,” he explained. “Don't ask me why; I don't know."

I frowned and cocked my head. "You know about Zecora?"

Tycho scoffed. "Everyone in Zebrica knows who Zecora is!"

I raised an eyebrow. "Really? That’s a surprise. Why?"

"Zecora invented the process that allows the sod we use to make our houses as hard as brick. She engineered the extract of the flower that’s the final ingredient in the mixture. It revolutionized everything!" he exclaimed earnestly.

I tapped my chin, glancing over at Oswald. He shrugged. "I guess that kinda makes sense," I admitted. "She's an herbalist back in Ponyville as of now. Do you know why she's there?"

Tycho shrugged and beckoned for us to keep moving. "Not a solitary clue. She just packed up and left one day without any explanation." He leaned in conspiratorially, a sly grin crossing his face. "I heard it's because she heard somezebra was going to use her brew for evil purposes, so she left the country out of shame."

I decided to refrain from commenting on that, as we had just stepped on the entrance of Zenya’s City Hall. We walked up the steps and were about to go through the door when two zebra guards halted our progress with their forelegs. "Hang on, Tycho, you can't go in there."

Tycho tilted his head confusedly. "Why not?"

One of the guards squirmed a little, uncomfortable. The other sighed and closed his eyes. "It's Hansit. He thinks his wife is cheating on him... again, so he's in another one of those moods. I wouldn't come in here for a while if I was you."

"But this human here needs to see him about something!" Tycho insisted.

The guard shrugged. " Unless he wants the answer to be an automatic no, it'll have to wait." He frowned, glancing at me. "Er... you don’t want to hear a ‘no’, do you?"

I shook my head. "Certainly not; I was hoping for the opposite, in fact."

The guard nodded. "Then I highly suggest you wait a bit, until we can get evidence that his wife isn't cheating on him."

Tycho rolled his eyes. "That schmuck always thinks that of her."

Soundspeed raised an eyebrow with interest. "Is she?"

Both guards glanced at each other uneasily, but they finally nodded, slowly at that. Soundspeed, Oswald, and I snickered, while Tycho facehoofed. "Of course she is," he grumbled, "because why not?" He looked up at the guards. "Do you know who it was with this time?"

The two glanced uneasily at each other again in what almost looked like a tic, before they both began whistling, avoiding any and all eye contact with us.

"So... you two and the missus, huh?" I snickered lecherously.

"If you so much as whisper a word about it we will end you," the first guard growled.

I raised both hands disarmingly. "Hey, hey, no need for that, guys. I don’t even have a reason to tell this Hansit dude."
The guards visibly relaxed, but tensed back up when Tycho directed them a glare of utter disgust. "Seriously?"

The two nodded.

"You know he'll kill you if he finds out, right? Is it worth that?"

The duo carefully considered the answer for but a moment… Then they both nodded with quite some eagerness to it. "You have no idea…" commented the second one dreamily.

Tycho let out a disgusted noise, beckoning Soundspeed and I ahead and away. We followed him silently towards another building. "Okay, so it will be a little while before we can see the mayor after all," he grumbled.

"What should we do until then?" I asked.

The zebra pondered my words for a few steps, then his lips split into a wide smile. He stopped, facing me. "Based on Soundspeed’s word about your kerfuffle with the Diamond Dogs and how ridiculous you looked swinging that twig of yours at us back there, right now I can only think of one thing that would benefit the both of us."

Now he was grinning with all his teeth. That, combined with the fact that he was eyeing me like a dog does a piece of meat, made me quite uneasy. "Oh… and what's that?" I reluctantly asked.

"I am going to teach you how to fight."

Catch the Chicken, Rocky

I cracked my neck and limbered up. Finally I was going to learn a skill that I could appreciate right off the bat. No more beings were going to bet their upper whatever they had for hands on me! "I'm ready, Tycho!” I said excitedly. “Let's do this!"

Tycho nodded. "Good. You'll need that enthusiasm." He walked up next to me and took Reginald out of my hands. "Now, I've led you to the perimeter of the city. The city is fifty miles around. Do one lap as fast as you can."

My smile slowly faded. I shot him a quizzical look. "Um... really?"

He scoffed. "No, it's an April Foal's joke. Of course, really! Now hop to it!"

"Um..."

I figured that, if he was part of a warrior culture, then he'd know how to do this. I'd been walking every day for months by then, so it's not like my legs hadn't gained some muscle from that. So I obeyed and began running. At first it was pretty easy, for that exact reason. I thought maybe I could do that.

Or at least, I did until I began to get winded. Not having my backpack meant that my water bottle wasn’t with me, so I couldn't stop for a break. Not that Tycho would have let me in the first place.

The zebra in question ran up beside me, smiling idly. "Having fun yet?"

"This is a cake walk!" I growled back. "No problem at all!"

"Oh good. Then the other forty miles shouldn't be a problem at all. We can move on to the next stage of your training that much faster!"

I almost stopped right there, but forced myself to keep going. "Forty?!"

Tycho nodded. "Yep, forty miles. I admit, you did a decent job running the first ten, but let's see how you do next!"

Oh dear.

I still pressed onwards. I couldn't look weak in front of this zebra; that was out of the question for me. I was done looking like a weakling in front of other species. I was done being tossed around like a chew toy! I was... I was...

An hour later and I was so exhausted I was almost crawling. That didn't stop Tycho from shouting at me to keep going. "Come on, you only have another thirty-five miles to go! I thought you said this was a cake walk! Were you lying? Do you come from a race of liars? I've seen foals that have run this track without breaking a sweat! Are you this weak?"

I was far too exhausted to answer him and in a few moments one of my legs gave out and I nearly tumbled to the ground, but I righted myself back up and forced it and its twin to keep running for all I was worth. My lungs were gasping for air, screaming for me to stop for a moment and take an eight-hour-long nap, but I ignored them. My heart was about to pound through my ribs, but I pushed on through the pain. My legs were on fire, I was almost blinded by the sweat that was dripping in my eyes, but I... I...

I collapsed on the ground in complete exhaustion two minutes later.

I heard a sigh from above. I managed to open my eyes to see Tycho looking down at me and shaking his head. "You admittedly went for about two minutes longer than I thought you would have before you started. Over half the course is okay for a first-timer." He looked up, and I followed his gaze to see Soundspeed and Oswald flying over to us, the former of which with my backpack on.

He landed next to me and hoofed over the water bottle, which I drained from completely full to parched-dry in ten seconds. "He did better than I thought he would," he observed to Tycho.

The zebra frowned at his friend. "That's what I said."

Soundspeed chuckled. "It's kinda sad, if you think about it. I could fly this course in about twenty minutes on a bad day."

I glowered up weakly at the two of them. "Don't... have... wings."

Tycho clicked his tongue. "Excuses, excuses, human," he said with a shake of his head. "I don't have wings either, and I could do this no problem." He nudged my leg with a hoof. "Your downfall is that you gave up."

"I was gonna collapse in... two minutes anyway," I scoffed quietly.

Tycho frowned. "Uh-huh. And didn’t it occur to you that you could keep going for those two minutes you thought you had, and if you really did collapse you could rest up a bit and keep going? If you're in a fight to the death and you know you only have two minutes left in you, do you give up before you absolutely have to, or do you keep fighting in the hope that you can somehow pull a victory off before your time runs out?"

I groaned and tried sucking a few more drops out of my water bottle. I knew he was right, but I was too tired to either admit it or argue it. My lungs had only just begun to stop yelling at me; they were just murmuring venomous threats. I put my hands on top of my head to allow myself to breathe easier.

Tycho sat on his haunches in front of me. "Okay, since you seem to have given up for the time being and it’s getting later in the evening, I'm gonna toss a little food your way. But!, you are going to stay right here on this track until you complete the course. Feel free to get up and begin running again whenever you feel like it, but you don't get to rest in a proper bed and get a proper meal until you do.

“You know where you started off. When you get there, come find me."

With that, he and Soundspeed walked off to do other things, leaving Oswald perched on my backpack. He was looking down at me worriedly, so I used some of my remaining strength to scratch his head. "I'll be... fine," I wheezed. "Gonna... wipe the floor with Tycho when... I get good enough." He snorted and fluttered his wings. I shot him a glare. "Thanks for the... vote of confidence."

* * * *

I stayed on the ground for about half an hour before I finally managed to regain the strength to push myself up again and keep going. I figured that, if I had made it halfway through on the first shot, I could push myself to finish the run with a final burst.

I endured both the bemused stares and chuckles of the zebra population that saw me running the perimeter and kept going. Tycho might think that I was weak, but I wasn’t a quitter and I was going to show him that. I could finish the task he had set for me and I was going to prove it!

Unfortunately, uplifting thoughts and reality don't often coincide for very long, and two hours later I was wheezing for breath on the dirt again. I don't know how close I was to the finishing point right then, but I hardly cared at this point. I was just too darned exhausted. Hopefully this would be the last time I had to do something this difficult and we could move on to the easier things like beating each other silly with wooden poles.

As you can imagine, I eventually got a hold of what I had in me for that final push, and I finally made it back to where we had begun. It was nighttime by then, and Soundspeed and Tycho were both relaxing at the finish line, munching on carrots. When I crossed it, I immediately collapsed on the ground, hardly noticing that Oswald had flown in behind me with my bag in his talons.

Tycho gulped down the last of his carrot and smirked at me. "All right, it only took you seven hours." He stood up and walked over to me. "Now you get that bed and food, just like I told you. If you'll follow me…"

I nodded numbly and pushed myself up without even feeling that I was moving. He led me into a small cabin, where I collapsed with a groan on the bed. Tycho chuckled beckoning another zebra who had a plate of veggies and a pitcher of water on a tray balanced on her back inside. I dug in eagerly once she placed it all on a nearby table.

"You seem hungry," Tycho observed. I shot him a glare, but didn't respond to his needling. "It's best that you rest up. Tomorrow you’re doing it again."

My eyes widened, but before I could say another word, I realized Tycho had already left the cabin with the other zebra.

~~~

I sigh and run a hand through my shaggy head. "The next few months were some of the most miserable I've ever experienced. Every day Tycho dragged me out of bed at the crack of dawn and made me do the run. It was drag myself out in the morning, drag myself in at night."

Apple Bloom cocks her head. "Now why would he be makin' you run around every day without actually teachin' ya? Ah thought that's what he was gonna do."

I just give her a look. “Remember those two guards?”

“… point taken.”

"So this Tycho feller did get around to doin' what he promised you he'd do," said Applejack.

I nodded. "But that wasn't for quite some time."

~~~

Like I said, all he had me do for the first few months in Zenya was make me run the perimeter of the city. It was absolute torture, but I noticed that after the first week, I could actually complete the course without dropping like a rotten fruit, and almost every day from then on, I was a little bit faster and in need of shorter, less frequent breaks. I don't know exactly how long it took, but Tycho made me keep going through everything.

Finally, on what I think was the second month of my stay, I completed the course without stopping even once. I have to admit, I was pretty proud of myself. I reached the finish line, tired to the bone as usual, but rather pleased. I shot Tycho a smug grin and sat down on the ground triumphantly. "There. I did your... stupid run! Without a single break…!"

Tycho for his part looked rather impressed, something that just made me even more pleased. "You did good. You sure took your time, but you did finish, and that's what counts."

I put my hands on my head to increase air flow to my lungs. "So... you gonna... teach me now?"

Tycho shrugged. "You'll just have to see what I have planned for you tomorrow." I groaned, facepalming hard, and he put a sympathetic hoof on my shoulder. "Easy. I promise, when I'm done with you, no Diamond Dog is ever gonna get the upper paw on you again. Just think of that as your goal.” He leaned closer with a conspiring grin. “Maybe you can even go back and get some sweet payback on them, hm?"

I chuckled weakly, motioning over to Oswald. "The bird blew them up. I couldn't do it if I wanted to."

While Soundspeed smirked in the background, Tycho returned my laugh. "That's right, I think you told me that once." He motioned for me to get up, and I did so, much more easily than I thought. It made me smile. "Okay, now that you completed the course, I think it's time for a well-deserved break for today. Tomorrow’s gonna strain you quite a bit, but you've built up some good muscle from all this, so the transition should be easier for you."

"I hope so," I said. Then I paused for a second and frowned. "You're not going to make me run the course twice tomorrow, are you?"

Tycho smirked and shook his head. "No. Not that exactly, anyway." After that ominous statement, he trotted off to wherever he came from. I assume it was Hell.

* * * *

I was awakened before the sun was up by Tycho repeatedly poking me in the side. It was something that happened every day since day one, so I wasn't too irritated at him anymore... mostly. "Up, up, up and at 'em, TD," he chanted happily. "Phase two of your training is about to commence!"

That day, I pushed myself out of bed much faster than usual. I couldn't wait to see what he had in stock for me this time. That’s not to say I wasn’t nervous about this phase two of his, because I was, but I'd succeeded with running around the city without stopping, and let me tell you, fifty miles is no cakewalk even for a very fit human. I had the confidence that I could meet his standards again.

I stepped out of cabin after he did, followed by Oswald. I had acquired the habit of leaving my backpack in the cabin and only bringing a water bottle out when I went on my morning runs. Soundspeed was waiting at the starting line of the ‘Orbit’, as I called it, much like he always did. But this time, there were two zebra foals with him. I couldn't say how old they were exactly, but they sure enough were younger than you Crusaders on our first meeting.

Seeing that, Tycho smiled and beckoned me closer. "Ah, good, they're here. We can begin."

"I'm ready for whatever you have to throw at me today," I said confidently. ‘As long as it isn't running around the city twice’, I added mentally.

Tycho's grin widened. I noticed a hint of evil in there. "That's good. That's very good." He motioned towards the foals. "These are my sons: the one on the left is Brahe, and the other one is Ottesen."

The two waved at me, and I raised a hand in greeting.

"Now for your next assignment: pick them up."

I nodded, unsure of where this was going but unwilling to complain, and picked up the foals. Both were pretty light, though a bit heavy for their size. "Okay, now what?"

To my horror, Tycho motioned over to the course I had just gotten okay-to-good at running. "Now you hop to it. You know the drill."

The two kids in my arms giggled.

Had I been drinking, there would be a spit-take right there. "What?!"

"Do a lap around the periphery just like you’ve been doing. However, if you drop one of them,” he said, gesturing to the foals, “you have to start aaall over again!"

He wasn’t the slightest bit worried that they could get hurt if that happened!

Soundspeed snickered, and I shot him a glare to shut him up. It didn't work and the two shorties joined him. I would have asked if Tycho was serious if I didn’t know darn well that he was.

So, with a sigh, I began my run.

Within ten minutes I was back at the starting line. I’d dropped Brahe.

Ten minutes after that, back at the starting line again, this time for having let go of Ottesen.

Five minutes later, I dropped them both.

Yeah, not good.

* * * *

It was another month before I could get even halfway into the course. I mean, have you ever run around an entire city, carrying two bundles of giggles that start weighing a ton after half a mile and laugh at you every time you fail? I might be the only human in history who’s ever had to do that.

Whenever I found myself at the starting line, which was often, my frustration grew, to the point where punting those two became a rather tempting idea. But don’t worry, that’s something I never did, one, because they didn’t actually make things difficult when I ran aside from their weight, and two… I wasn’t sure it would even hurt them. I mean, I'm not sure how they did it, but every time I dropped them, they rolled with more agility than Twilight has finesse with her magic, and they didn’t even get dust in their coats. It was like they repelled damage.

Anyway… yeah, that’s how it went. Drop, back to the start. Drop and drop, back to the start. Drop and drop, giggle, refrain from beating two zebras to death, back to the start. And so it went, for a very, very long time.

On the other hand, though, I did notice one thing as the months dragged on. I was getting more and more fit, gaining muscle by the day, to the point where carrying Brahe and Ottesen was getting hard to feel. Sure, they sometimes squirmed and startled me into almost dropping them in those instances, but I confess that those were my own fault for jostling them too much as I ran. That happened less and less, too. And if that wasn’t enough, I was getting faster.

As much as I hate to admit it, and I really, really do, I could see why Tycho was making me do all of this. It's easier to win a brawl if you're strong and fast, and I was neither at the beginning.

By the time I could complete the course perfectly, I felt strong enough to hold my own against a bear for at least a few minutes. I was never the buff type when I went to college, so there wasn’t much to show, but I sure felt like a power lifting champion. It felt good.

~~~

"Don't get me wrong: I'm not the kind of guy who stares at his reflection all day, complimenting himself on how good he looks, but feeling that I wasn't going to get destroyed every time I got in a fight because I was a million times weaker than everybody I went up against is still a pretty nice thing."

"Indeed, I did notice that you have more of a wiry look about you," Rarity remarks.

I raise an eyebrow. "Was that the first thing that you noticed when my coat was off?"

She turns her head away with a blush that's easy to notice under her white coat. "Of course not, darling. It is simply a matter of it being the most noticeable change, is all."

“So it wasthe first thing you noticed,” I tease. Oswald giggles and I smirk. "I didn't know you found stuff like me attractive. I mean, I always assumed that you would think muscle is nice on a stallion, but for one to ogle an alien?"

She blushes even redder, and the rest of the gathered ponies have to hide their own faces of amusement at my needling. "Would you please get back to the story?" Rarity huffs out.

I snort and wave my hand, the smirk never leaving my face. "Fine, fine, if you insist…"

* * * *

Even though I achieved the new goal, I still found myself having to do the Orbit every day for about a week, carrying Brahe and Ottesen of course. It got to the point where, at the end of it, I was winded but not drop-dead spent, which was good, because Tycho’s next assignment may just as well have been the most difficult one, despite not being the most physically taxing thing.

One day, he led me to a chicken pen, where the chickens sat in individual cages, clucking away like all chickens do. Tycho and I climbed in. "Now that you've built up your stamina, it's time for you to build up your agility." He walked over to the nearest chicken cage and opened it up, and the chicken immediately leaped out of the cage and began running around like... well, a chicken. Tycho grinned and pointed to it. "Catch it."

I raised my eyebrow, following the chicken with my eyes. "Is that all?"

Tycho nodded, smirking. "That's all. Let me know when you're done. If it's as easy as you seem to think it is, then you shouldn't have to take more than a few minutes to do it, right?"

Now, by this point, I was rather wary of the difficulty of the tasks that zebra set for me. He thought that I wasn't going to be able to do this one any time soon, but just like before, I wanted to prove him wrong. I was already limbered up from the Orbit, so I bolted after the chicken before he left the coop.

I swear, Tycho greased that thing somehow before he set it loose. No matter what I did, no matter how fast I thought I was swiping at it, I couldn't catch the chicken. That featherbrain was always one step ahead of me. The only thing I was grateful for was that it couldn't fly because it tried to take off several times.

Still, even though it was a lot harder than I expected it to be and I received a few scratches along the way, I finally managed to grab the thing. I triumphantly turned around to put it back in its pen, but when I turned around, I saw a smiling Tycho… and his smile wasn't one of pride, it was one of mischievousness. “I never said you’d be done after the first part, did I?”

I shifted uneasily. "Tycho... why are you–"

Before I could finish, he turned around and opened up the chicken cages. Every. Single. Freaking. One.

I swear, that weasel was more gleeful than he was smug. "Catch the chickens, TD!"

Then he ran over to me and batted the chicken I was currently holding out of my hand.

I groaned. "You have got to be kidding me," I muttered under my breath. He wasn't, so I went back to work trying to catch... I think it was about two dozen chickens. But, like before, I wasn't going to complain that he was being unfair, despite how much I was looking forward to actually trouncing him. He was trying to bring me to my physical peak and I knew it.

That knowledge didn't make catching friggin' chickens any more tolerable, or easier for that matter. There were times when I would catch one only to have it wiggle out of my grasp. There were even two separate times when I'd catch one and put it back in the cage, but a different chicken running around would crash against the cage, it’d tip over, the lock would undo itself… and I think you can imagine the rest.

Eventually things evolved to the point where I'd only be able to catch the chickens because they were too tired to go on. Still, a capture was a capture, and I relished every victory I had over those dumb birds. I'm a human, gosh darn it, and I'm smarter than a bunch of chickens... just not more agile.

Again Tycho made me do it day after day, but with strength and stamina on my side, focusing on agility was a lot easier, and it wasn't more than a week before I could catch them all in under an hour. He considered it good enough.

The day right after that, I reached the Orbit’s finish line to see Tycho smiling at me as usual. This time, though, it was one of pride. "You have done well these past months. You've improved quite a bit."

I took a long drink out of my water bottle before answering. "Thank you. It's been miserable, looking at it from this end."

He and Soundspeed both smirked. "I'm sure it has been,” he continued, “but now it is time for you to begin what I told you to I would: I'm actually going to teach you to use that silly twig of yours."

After a smile of my own and a nuzzle of pride from Oswald, the two led me out to an open field just beyond Zenya’s outskirts. Tycho, with a staff of his own balanced on his back, directed me to stand in front of him. "Okay, TD, there are six motions that I would like to teach you that will be a good starting point for any fight you are likely to get into."

"I'm ready for them," I nodded, grasping Reginald.

"Good. Now, the six motions are as follows."

To my surprise, Tycho stood up on his hind legs and grasped his own staff in his hooves. I raised an eyebrow at him. "I didn't know you could do that."

He scoffed. "I've had to fight minotaurs, and they stand twice as tall as I do. Either you learn to fight on your hind legs or you find yourself at a serious disadvantage in a fight against taller foes." He cracked his neck. "Okay, the six motions are these…"

Tycho swung his staff towards his upper right side. "One." Upper left. "Two." Lower right. "Three." Lower left. "Four." He raised the staff above his head and swung down. "Five." Finally, he lunged forward in a stabbing motion. "Six." He got back down on all fours. "Understand?"

I nodded.

"Good. Now copy those motions in the exact order I say. If you mess up, you're starting all over again, just like when you ran with my sons."

I nodded and adjusted my grip on Reginald. "Let’s do it."

Tycho chuckled. "We'll see." He took a deep breath.

"One."

I swung up to position one.

"Two. Three. Four. Five. Six."

I copied his orders flawlessly, fighting to hold back a smirk. I foolishly believed that it would be simpler than what I had been doing… again. I will admit that it was, but that didn't mean that Tycho was going to go any easier on me.

That smugness caused the first misstep.

"One, two , six, five... no, that's four. Two, one, six, five, two, one. Nope, you did number three."

Yeah, things kinda snowballed from there.

We went back to that same old rhythm: I failed constantly, but with every day, I improved, reacting faster and with more accuracy. Tycho didn't let me spar with anybody in that beginning, not even a few minutes with him, but by then I more than knew I wasn’t ready for it, so I never asked. Over and over and over again it went until they became a blur, an instinct that I felt I had possessed my entire life, the motions slowly becoming as natural to me as breathing.

Finally, after days and days of getting the sequences right several times in a row, Tycho allowed other zebras to come to our training session. He had never let anyzebra come aside from Brahe and Ottesen, so when he did authorize spectators, half the town came along to witness my daily training routine. They circled around us to create a sort of arena, at Tycho's insistence.

I knew it was time as soon as he made the request. "We’re moving to spars today, aren't we?"

He smirked at me. "Your observational skills have improved, boy. Today you will be sparring with me. You've been waiting for this for a long time, haven't you?"

I returned his smirk. "You'd better believe it. I’m warning you right now, though, I'm not going to be a softie that gets distracted from his opponent."

"Oh I'm sure you won't. I trained you out of being that after all," he shot back as he moved to stand on his hind legs. He grasped his staff. "Just remember that you must be prepared for anything and everything, and I mean everything plus the kitchen sink."

I adjusted Reginald in my grasp, cracking my neck as I did. "As a talking duck back home used to say: let's get dangerous!"

Tycho tilted his head. "As you wish." Then, without warning, he let out a war cry and swung his staff at my head, hard.

I moved Reginald up to parry the blow with a speed I never had on Earth, and swung at one of Tycho's legs in a low sweep, intending to take his legs out from under him and wailing on him while he was down, but Tycho literally jumped up and Reginald hit nothing but air. Mid-air, he moved to strike my side, but I swung up and knocked his blow up and above my head.

And so our dance continued, each trying to land a blow on the other. Sure, neither of us was aiming for crippling the other, but bruises were fair play… especially if I was the one doing the bruising. Tycho had made me endure a lot on the past seven or so months, and I was not about to go down without making him feel at least a bit sore in the morning.

As the spar dragged on, I came to a realization: as good as Tycho was on his hind legs, it just wasn’t natural to him like it was for me. He just wasn't built to fight like that for prolonged periods of time. While he had definitely practiced enough to stand on his hind legs to the point he could keep up with a human, it had been my go-to stance for my entire life. It was likely that he was used to dispatching his minotaur opponents rather quickly when he fought upright, so he didn't have to stand on them for more than a few minutes at most. If I had to hazard a guess, I’d say minotaurs were bulkier than humans in nature, so they moved slower than I did while making up for it with brute strength, so Tycho didn’t have to deal with the loss in endurance and skill for long enough for it to matter.

However, while I wasn't as strong as your average minotaur, I was fast. Really dang fast. And while I was more than strong enough for any blow that I landed to hurt, my advantages lay in both the speed and agility that Tycho had imprinted in me with our training sessions.

With all of that in mind, I kept swinging at his hind legs, knowing that he could not dodge forever. Of course I didn't exclusively do that: I still swung at his head and torso, just to be unpredictable. I don't doubt that he had my strategy down already, and was considering a counter that would throw me off the offense to focus on defense, but for now, I was on top of the game.

While I did defend as necessary, my anger and resentment towards that zebra fueled me on, but at the same time I made sure that it didn't blind me and left me open to a table-turning blow. Tycho would show no mercy if he found an opening; I didn’t want him to, and I would do the same.

Whether by luck or the skill I had acquired, I landed a blow on his right hind leg, and he stumbled. His staff fell out of his hooves, and I kicked it away before it fell to the ground, taking the chance to get another strike in on his back. I considered another, lighter tap to his head to seal my victory, but I decided against it.

And that was a bad decision.

I heard a pair of war cries behind me and wheeled around to see two zebras charge at me with those wooden combat boots on.

I remembered Tycho’s words: ‘be prepared for anything and everything.’

Despite the fact that I was rapidly running out of energy, I spun around entirely and readied Reginald for round two.

As I expected, my two new opponents tried to get me in a pincer maneuver. Their speed was equal and I was unsure that I could repel them both without sustaining injury. I had to make a decision and fast.

I went on the offensive on the zebra to my right. His arsenal had nowhere near the reach that mine did, so I did not have to get as close to attack him as he had to get to me. Unfortunately, that left my left open. I dodged back just far enough that I would have only gotten a small cut on my flank – you know, the side of the stomach in a biped – if the other zebra’s blade was real, but that was bad enough. In a real battle, a wound like that could be fatal depending on circumstances.

I swung Reginald to my right and cracked the wood against the second zebra’s skull. She dropped instantly, clutching her head and moaning.

And once again, I left my other side open.

The zebra to my right landed a blow that would have definitely been fatal if the weapon was real. I grunted in as a sharp pain coursed through my side where the blow had landed, backing away with a wild, clumsy swing that he dodged easily. Cursing my own foolishness, I readjusted my stance and readied myself for another shot at him.

It was then that I felt another sharp sting of pain, this time in the back of my lower legs. I sidestepped to keep both sides within sight range, only to see Tycho stand back up on all fours, ready for a second coming.

I took a second to wipe sweat from my brow. They were really putting me through the wringer.

Thanks to Tycho's half white complexion, I could see the bruise on his back. He had his weapon in his mouth, but seemed to be ready to jump back on his hind legs at any second, and I took it as meaning that I'd have to really get one of his hind legs if I wanted to keep him down for the count. As it was, he was limping slightly; he would not be able to stay bipedal as long as he’d been at the start of the fight. As for me, the back of my leg where he had struck hurt, I’m not about to deny that, but as I said, I had the advantage of twenty years of experience in that stance. I could shrug off the ache more readily than a natural quadruped could.

Like before, both my opponents lunged forward. The unnamed zebra reached me first, as while Tycho had to strut forward on two to use his weapon effectively, he had the ability to run on all four legs without hindrance. I dodged to the side and swung Reginald upwards just below the zebra's neckline; he attempted to dodge, but still got clipped by the very edge. Tycho was far enough away that I was able to move to deflect the sideways swing he delivered, sending one of my own towards his flank. As usual, he jumped, but he was too slow for me not to hit his hoof right next to the fetlock line. He jerked in mid-air, but before I could press the advantage, he planted the end of his staff on the ground and used that to push himself back onto his back hooves in time for him to avoid my swing at his shoulder.

Growling, I turned my attention back to the other zebra, swinging downwards at his head hard enough that he couldn't parry. Reginald connected with his forehead, and that made it just me and Tycho left in the fight.

I backed away two or three steps, taking deep breaths. "Okay, buddy, it's just you and me now, unless you have somebody else you'd like to use to attack me from behind."

Tycho cackled, taking a step forwards. "Remember what I said: be prepared for anything!"

I cracked my neck. "Don't hold back, buddy."

Tycho chuckled. "Well, if you insist."

He leapt forwards and swung down with his staff in a heavy blow. I only barely blocked it, and I gotta say, he hit so hard I stumbled backwards. He used that window I presented to him to land three sharp hits on my left leg, and I fell to the ground. Then I was hit on the hand and got Reginald kicked away from me.

Before I could react any further, Tycho slammed a hoof onto my chest, pinning me to the ground.

He leaned his head over me and grinned. "A pretty solid effort, but if you were in a real fight, this is where your opponent would stand over you, gloating before the finishing blow, just as I am now."

To what I'm sure was Tycho's total surprise, a large grin crossed my face. "In that instance, he's going to regret ignoring your primary rule.” Before he could react, I grabbed the back of his head and pulled him close, taking a little surprise out of my belt and holding it to his throat. I raised my head to whisper in his ear. "If this were a real battle, you'd be well on your way to getting yourself sliced open by now."

As he lay almost draped over me, with Watt’s flint knife near his jugular, Tycho's mouth formed an 'o' that didn’t take long to evolve into a knowing smirk. "I'd say that's cheating, but in a real battle that little stunt would mean that you are alive and your opponent is not."

I released his head and he backed away from me.

"I concede this well-earned victory, such as it is," he said respectfully.

I smiled and pushed myself up. "I accept. You weren't so bad yourself."

Tycho laughed uproariously, while the surrounding zebras and Soundspeed stomped their hooves in applause. A couple of medics went to go check on the zebras I had taken out, even though they seemed to be mostly okay save for a few ache-y marks. I myself limped over to my backpack, where Oswald was perched, and he murred happily, flying up to perch on my shoulder. I stroked his back and leaned down to get my half-filled bottle of water.

Mid-swig, I had the hunch to turn around. Tycho was standing behind me. "I've just received word that Hansit's divorce proceedings have just gone through, TD. He's back in office and attending appointments again… and you’re first on the list."

Author's Note

BTW, this is my full-sized avatar.

Hansit

Half an hour later, I was standing in front of Zenya’s town hall, ready to see the mayor. I knew even then that the chance was slim, but I had to take it. I had no other choice. I took a deep breath and nervously cracked my neck. Between themselves, Soundspeed and Tycho exchanged an amused smirk.

Tycho beckoned me onwards inside the building. They now doubt knew that the effort was futile, but they respected my need to try. Still... "You know you're probably not going to get what you're after," Tycho said as he walked beside me. "And I'm not just talking about Hansit."

"Thanks, Tycho, I could use some good encouragement," I deadpanned at him.

He raised a hoof defensively. "Hey now, I'm not trying to be a spoil sport here. I'm just asking for you to have realistic expectations here. If Celestia couldn't do it – and I don’t know anything living that could match her magical abilities –, then how could anyone else pull it off?"

I cast him a sideways glare and a grimace. "So what, you think I should just give up and go back to Ponyville to live under their thumb like some hungry dog that ran away from home and came back because of food?"

Tycho shook his head. "Whoa, whoa, of course not!” He sighed. “It's just that I like you, TD, and I don't like the idea of you going places and places, demanding the impossible and being disappointed every time. It's just not wise or healthy."

I stopped in my tracks and wheeled around to face Tycho. I could feel it when Soundspeed and Oswald exchanged nervous glances behind me. "You think I don't know that?!" I snapped. "You think I don't frackin’ know that I'm going on what’s likely a fool's errand, something that is probably gonna end in death-level failure?!” I exhaled deeply. “I know ponies are the only truly magical race around, at least in that way, but I gotta try. If there's even a point zero zero zero zero one percent chance of success, I’m willing to roll the dice. And you’re not convincing me of the contrary, Tycho."

Tycho studied me, as if unsure of how to respond. If I knew him, he already knew I could be very stubborn when I wanted to be. I don't doubt that he felt I was taking foolish hopes too far, but he still cracked a smirk and snickered. "You're a gigantic fool, TD, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. You would never have lasted this long if you weren't." He gave me a good-natured punch to the side. "I don't think Hansit can help you with that, but like you said, it’s a chance, and you lose nothing by taking it after all this time in Zenya."

A smirk of my own replaced my irritated scowl, and I clonked him lightly on the head with Reginald’s tip. "I gotta do my best, even if the purpose is dumb. You know me."

Tycho snorted. "I trained you to fight, I can attest to that being your motto." His eyes flickered to the front, and he saw that we were reaching the door where the mysterious Hansit waited. "This is it."

I nodded, a hint of nervousness creeping up in my stance. "Yeah…"

The four of us stopped in front of the door, where two new guards were positioned. It was highly likely that Hansit had found out just how those two clowns had been part of the cheating thing, and as such, he got replacements ASAP.

No word on whether he had gotten a replacement wife, though.

The two guards targeted me with their gaze for a moment, before the one on my right nodded and moved aside. He pushed the door open and allowed us to step into the mayor’s office.

The place itself was pretty simple, something that I must admit, surprised me. Maybe it was just my preconceptions of zebras based on Zecora, but whatever. The office reminded me a lot of Mayor Mare's, back in Ponyville: a simple blue carpet spread across the floor, a few comfy looking plush chairs, and a large oak desk, with Hansit himself behind it. He was scrawnier than most other Zeyans, though I attribute that to him not being as much of a trained fighter as Tycho was.

When the four of us entered, Hansit flashed me a smile that, while warm, looked rather weary. Clearly the divorce had taken its toll on him, but he was still committed to his job. "Come in, dear guests, and do take a seat. I'll try to make this meeting short and sweet."

I frowned and cocked my head. "Short and sweet? Do you only have ten minutes for me or something?"

Hansit chuckled nervously and shook his head. "No, that is not the case at all, dear human. Make yourself comfortable and..." Hansit's smile flickered, and I could literally see the cogs working in his head as he tried to think of a rhyme for a word he must not have heard very often. "...enthrall me with your acumen." To his credit, he did finish the rhyme, as much as it sucked.

I snorted loudly, hearing Oswald snicker behind me. "Is that really the best you can do?" I chortled myself.

Hansit chuckled nervously again, while beside me, Tycho facehoofed. "N-No, that isn't it at all, I'm... uh..." He closed his eyes and sighed in resignation. "Dang it all, I was never as good at this stuff as Cousin Zee was," he muttered. "'It's all in the soft palate', she would always say."

"You know, you don't have to rhyme if you don't want to," I assured him. "It really doesn't make a difference to me."

Hansit grumbled something to himself before answering, "I figured that, but it just sounds more professional, you know."

"I suppose," I said matter-of-factly, "but it would be faster just to talk normally." I raised my right hand and put my left over my heart. "I promise I won't tell a soul."

"I guess you're right," Hansit agreed. He mumbled something else to himself, then he turned his attention back to me. "So, what is it you would like to speak to me about, exactly? I've heard word that you've waited quite a while to see me. I…” he looked down for half a second, “apologize for that."

"No need, it's fine," I waved it off. “Things happen.”

With that, Hansit coughed quietly into his hoof. "Regardless, what is it you wish to speak to me about?"

I opened my mouth to reply, to finally say what I had waited for months to ask this zebra, but to my surprise, the words died in my throat. I suppose that was a combination of nerves and Tycho’s words. My silence confused Hansit, who leaned forward expectantly and motioned for me to go on.

I sighed and decided to bite the bullet, mentally preparing myself for a crash and burn. "As I'm sure you can imagine, I'm not exactly from around here. I hail from a completely different universe from this one.

"About a year ago, Princess Celestia of Equestria was messing around with portal magic and pulled me into this world by mistake. Despite her best efforts, she wasn't able to send me back to Earth, the place I come from. So, I've been traveling around the lands outside of Equestria to see if there was somebody who..."

I paused for a full second.

"… who maybe could do what she failed in."

To my utter lack of surprise, Hansit looked at me like I was completely high. It took him a solid minute before he could even blink again, something that made me uneasy. He did finally manage to take a few breaths and reply, "Let me get this straight, human: you waited for seven months here in Zenya to come see me so you could ask me to do something that even the pony who raises the sun in the sky is incapable of doing, knowing full well that zebras don’t have the magic of even a single unicorn?"

I bit my lip nervously and cleared my throat. "Well... not exactly. If you could have, that would be great, but if you knew somebody who could give me a lead on that..."

Hansit scoffed. "Now, take no offense to this, boy, but you're a bit daft, aren't you?"

My unease turned into anger. I tightened my grip on Reginald with a glare his way. "Offense fully taken, Mister Hansit," I growled menacingly. "What you call daft, I call ‘not a defeatist wuss’. Don’t you go telling me that you would resign your chance to go back to your home, the place you want to be in, if you were stuck in an alien planet, or dimension, or whatever."

"Yes, yes, I perfectly understand that much,” Hansit conceded as he stood up from his desk and began pacing in front of it, “but I'd think about it first, you see, observe the logic of the situation! If one of, if not the most, powerful beings ever can't do something in their field of expertise, then I don't see what you could expect any of the non-magical races to do! If I said no, then who did you plan on asking next? The minotaurs? The griffins?" He scoffed. "You'd have better luck with the changelings."

"If I have to do resort to them,” I replied evenly, “then I will."

Hansit stopped in his tracks and rolled his eyes in my direction. "Yeah, and nobody sees you again after that. Trust me, you're better off going back to the ponies. If it were me, I'd pick the most peaceful society in the world and just settle down there."

"Good thing I’m not you, then," I growled. "At the end of the day, I won’t lie down thinking of taking it like a wimp."

"There's trying, and there's being delusional,” Hansit said flatly, “and you are definitely hoofing the line."

My jaw tightened and my glare hardened ever so slightly, but still noticeably. Hansit definitely caught on to that, from the sad way he shook his head. "I don't mean to be a spoil sport about this," he assured me more calmly. "I know it must have hurt getting the same news from Celestia."

"I slugged her in the jaw for that, and in turn, Luna snapped a few of my cervicals.”

The mayor sighed. "Yes, that's definitely understa..." then, his eyes widened and his jaw hung open as he registered my words. "… come again?"

"I punched Celestia – for the second time I might add – so Luna tossed me against a chair in a way that my spine snapped.”

"You attacked the goddess of the sun, and the goddess of the moon broke your back. You're crazier than I thought." He shook his head in wonder. "How are you alive right now?"

I shrugged. "Celestia values all life, so she didn't let Luna finish the job. That, or she thought her sister publicly murdering someone during one of Equestria’s biggest events would be bad for the family’s image. You know, Nightmare Moon and all."

Hansit snorted, shaking his head. "She would do that, wouldn't she?" He ran a tired hoof through his mane, clicking his tongue as he did it. "All that to say, I'm not really all that sure what it is you want me to do. Obviously we've established that I'm not the being for the job when it comes to getting you back to your universe."

"You don't know anybody who might, or at least may know something?" I asked. Hansit shook his head sadly and I nodded in response. "Then, I guess all I can ask of you is for you to point out the direction of the minotaur lands."

The zebra noticeably flinched at those words. "Are you sure about that? They're not exactly the most welcoming of species, those muscleheads."

"Well, if nothing else, I have to get through their lands to get to Griffonia, right?"

"Indeed," Hansit mumbled. "Just be careful, okay? It’d be unfortunate if you came all this way and got killed by one of the less welcoming tribes."

"Can't argue there," I agreed, "but at any rate, it's where I have to go next." I rotated my left shoulder in its socket, which also adjusted my backpack on it. "In fact, I'd better be headed out sooner rather than later."

"Wait, hang on a minute," Hansit said, putting a hoof on my wrist. "It's nearly dark now, not the best time to start traveling. Running off right this second just to have to camp not three hours later will only drain your rations.” He smiled warmly at me again. “Stay the night. It's Friday night, which means we're having a potluck and a no-talent show of sorts. The minotaur lands will still be there after a good night of food, fun, and restful sleep."

I mulled over his words for a few seconds. He was right. I nodded. "Okay, that does sound like fun."

* * * *

Twenty minutes later, Soundspeed, Oswald, Tycho and I were in town square, which was currently packed. I'd seen a lot of zebras around the city, especially when I was doing the Orbit, but that was the outskirts; they were never gathered in large numbers. Here, though... I don’t think I’ve ever seen so much black and white before that night, or after, for that matter.

I set my backpack down next to Soundspeed, who was chatting animatedly with Tycho, and sat down next to them. A bunch of zebras were walking around, passing around bowls of what looked like a meatless chili of some sort. It smelled delicious, and I dug in when I received my own bowl. It was as good as it seemed, let me tell you.

A large stage of sorts had been set up in the middle of the square, and I saw a few zebras toying with the lights and other sets. I leaned in next to Soundspeed." So, have you even been to one of these before? They any good?"

"Oh you'd better believe it," he answered. "Some of these zebras can be really entertaining when they put their minds to it… and they sure do."

Tycho smirked. "I'll take that as a compliment. And I wasn't aware that you had specific feelings on this event – it's usually just 'it was fun'."

Soundspeed snorted and gave him a friendly knock on the shoulder. "Well then, what else should I say about it?"

Tycho chuckled and took a mouthful of his own chili. On the stage, Hansit was standing with a smile on his face in front of a microphone. He ‘ahem’-ed, and the low chattering that had punctuated the event so far died down, leaving him free to speak. "Good evening, fellow zebras. It is with great pleasure that I welcome you all to tonight's potluck dinner and no-talent show!"

The zebras all erupted into a cheer, something that made me smile. I definitely didn't regret staying. If all indications were correct, tonight was going to be more fun than most I'd had in almost a year.

Eventually Hansit raised a hoof and the crowd piped down. "Now, I know you've all gotten some food in you, so let's move on to the no-talent portion. Our first act is a group of foals performing a song they wrote during school."

The zebras started applauding, and I did too. I sat back and watched the zebra foals sing some song about their country. Not gonna lie, it wasn't very good, but... eh, they were having a lot of fun with it, so who am I to judge? Tycho seemed to notice my opinion of it, so once they were done, he leaned in next to me with a smirk. "Come on, they weren't that bad."

As we watched the next act come on, I shook my head with a chuckle. "They weren't," I admitted. "They seemed to be having a lot of fun."

I leaned back against a bench we were situated next to and picked up my food, which had been replenished while I was up, and smiled to myself.

* * * *

The next morning I woke up at the crack of dawn, as usual by then, slipped out of bed and got dressed. Oswald squawked indignantly when I pushed him off of the pack, but he didn't press the issue beyond a light clipping of my head with his wing.

I took a deep breath as I threw my backpack over my shoulders and adjusted Reginald in my hand. This was it. I was leaving Zenya and the zebras, to go out somewhere else to see... Well, in hindsight, I don't really know what I was waiting for. I was frankly expecting what Tycho and Hansit both told me, but... well, I'm stubborn like that sometimes, I presume.

I exited the tent I had been given, and to my surprise, found both Tycho and Soundspeed sitting outside, shooting the breeze. They both smiled when they saw me exit. "You didn't just expect to run off without us noticing, did you?" Tycho teased.

I gave the zebra a small smile of my own. “The idea was to get an early start."

"As I knew you would," he said with a proud nod. "The two of us wanted to see you off, though."

"I should have guessed," I grinned. I turned to Soundspeed. "You heading off, too?"

He nodded. "Yep. I gotta find a new home now. I trust the zebras, but you, TD… I can't risk you ratting me out, even by accident."

Tycho scoffed. "You know you could stay here, Soundspeed; you're family for all intents and purposes."

I tuned them out, checking the straps on my rucksack for the second time. I suspected this was a conversation that the two had had quite a few times before. I tuned back in as they finished their little tiff. "So, which way am I headed?" I asked Tycho.

He grinned. "Oh don't think you're getting away that easy! We’ll take you to the city limits, and then point you in the right direction."

After a ‘thank you’, we were off, passing by a few zebras that were also starting their own day. Aside from a few goodbyes from them, the walk was mostly pretty silent. It wasn't until we had almost reached the city’s urban limits that someone took it upon himself to speak again, and that was Tycho. "Are you sure that this is what you want? You, too, are more than welcome to stay here. Ottesen and Brahe will be sad to see you go."

I remembered the Orbits I did while carrying those two every day for a month, and the chorus of giggles from those two echoed through my head. No, not fond memories. I would not miss them as much as they would miss me, it seemed. That aside, I still had to answer his question. "Yeah, it's what I want. If I knew an easier way, then believe me, I'd take it… but I don't. The road less traveled is not the most wise one to take, but it seems to be the only one."

"For your objective," Tycho pointed out sagely. "If you just stay somewhere peaceful…" A sad smile crossed his face. "You'd be okay."

"I know, don't think I haven't thought about it. I did have an okay life in Ponyville, all things considered. It's just tough, you know, being the only one of your species on the entire planet. It makes you feel the loneliest you could ever get."

"I can understand that. Just be careful, okay?"

I chuckled. "When am I not?"

"When you fought the Diamond Dogs," Soundspeed began listing, "when you punched the highest authority figure in Equestria, when you faced off three dragons, when you–"

I was quick to cut him off, lest we be there all day. "Okay, I get your point! I'll just work harder at it, is all."

"Be sure you do," said Tycho. "If you're still around, stop by Zenya again. I know we would all love to have you around for a visit, if not more."

"And I'd love to be back sometime. It was..." A grin crossed my face. "Well, last night was pretty awesome." I mentally added that the grueling training, aside from the results, wasn't so awesome.

The four of us fell silent after that, none of us sure what to say during the actual parting. I had to be the one to break it off. "Well, I'd best be off if I'm going to make any good headway through the country. You guys take care of yourselves, too, and maybe... maybe I'll see you again."

With one final round of goodbyes, I turned around and began my trek out of zebra land.

Author's Note

So my plan going forward is for the chapters to be pretty long. Hopefully in the 6000+ range. We'll see, though.

Also be sure to be on the lookout for my newest one-shot 'Celestia Gets Mugged'!

Facepalming My Phoenix

My trek out of Zebrica wasn't too extensive, since the country’s really relatively small, particularly when compared to, let’s say, Equestria. I tended to avoid cities of Zenya’s size; for the most part, instead, I stuck to the outlying hamlets and villages. The locals there were friendly, much as expected, though I did get the occasional warning to not go out to the minotaur lands, as not all of them were friendly to strangers.

Of course, I figured I didn't have a choice. Sure, I didn’t count on their remarkably scarce magical abilities to help me, but at the very least the tribal territories were in between me and Griffonia. It was through them or back to Equestria.

... No, I don’t wanna hear it, Twilight. Don't even start.

Anyhoo, I reached the border of their lands roughly three weeks after parting ways with Soundspeed and Tycho. I was able to travel faster and longer throughout the day with fewer breaks by then; fifty miles a day for close to a year does that to a guy, I suppose. In any case, all the physical training I got from Tycho enabled me to travel so fast, even Oswald didn't feel like he had to slow down as much as he used to for me to keep up. We had to stop about a week or two into this second leg for him to complete his “life cycle”, but once he was done with that, there were no incidents on our final push out of Zebrica.

Now, as for the majorly important event in my time in the minotaur lands, that one began a few days after we crossed the border. Given that there were few established settlements, although I had heard of one major commercial hub, which was the place I was headed for, we didn't run into any minotaurs at all before that. Not gonna lie, it was pretty boring after all the time in Zenya with all those friendly zebras, On top of that, there was the fact that I had no idea how those guys were going to react to something like me. Heck, for all I knew, they might want my head on a platter because I reminded them of something they hated or were afraid of. Sure, it sounds silly when I say it now, but I had no way of knowing at the time.

So, back to the first event thing, Oswald and I were walking towards the general direction of the trading hub, at the time I didn't know what it was called, when Oswald flew too close and clipped me with his wing by accident. I mock-glared up at him and slapped his tail feathers in retribution. "Tag."

He snorted and swooped down to tag me back, but I ducked under it and began running. An indignant squawk later, he was zooming after me. I chanced a glance back, and it was a good thing that I did, because it allowed me to see when he reached out with his wing and duck again in time. "Missed me!"

I bolted, but he put on some impressive speed and tagged the back of my head. I screeched to a halt and wheeled around to face him as he flew lazily backwards. "Oh, that's how you want to play, is it?" I said, narrowing my eyes and getting ready to run.

Oswald snickered and I burst out running at him at top speed. The terrain being mostly flat save for a sparse amount of bushes here and there didn’t really compensate for Oswald being a bird, and therefore faster and more maneuverable than I was. My new agility meant that I was able to keep up relatively well with him, but I knew that Oswald could leave me in the dust easily if he went the extra mile. Deception and exploiting his overconfidence it was. I wasn't sure if he would have counted tapping him with something other than my limbs as cheating, but hey, all’s fair in love, war, and games of tag with phoenixes.

I reached out with Reginald, and was delighted to feel the end of it touch Oswald's right claw. Immediately, he screeched to a halt and wheeled on me again. I gave him my best grin. "Gotcha."

He squawked something that I could tell was more than a little annoyed: apparently he did see it as cheating, and wasn't about to keep that a secret from me.

I folded my arms. "Hey, we never set specific rules for the game, did we?"

Oswald's eyes narrowed and he zoomed into the air, no doubt aiming directly at me for a little dive-bomb-ey payback. I was about to get into an evasive stance when something caught my ear. It sounded like... talking.

I lifted a hand up, palm front, and he recognized our sign that playtime was over. He dove anyway, but to land on my shoulder, and the both of us looked in the direction of the noise. And that’s when we saw them.

Minotaurs. Seven of them.

I ducked silently into a nearby bush and held it open so Oswald could set down next to me. "Be very quiet, Oswald," I breathed, watching them through the foliage. "We have to think about this for a second." While I was there to see the minotaurs, actually looking at a group of them in front of me was more than a little intimidating. Even standing as tall as I could, those guys had a good head and a half on me.

Six of them wore studded leather armor, relatively light stuff, while the seventh one, whom I figured was their leader, was decked out in a black suit of full plate. The most intimidating thing, though? Each and every single one of them was carrying an enormous battle axe. Those looked so heavy, I felt they could cleave me in half even if they were dull.

I gulped. "You know, Oswald, maybe we don't have to ask this group about where the trading hub is. We’ll find it on our own sooner or later anyway. Even if we don’t, we can ask other minotaurs."

"Asbregaughcwah?"

Now, the thing about that particular caw of his isn’t that it was more garbled than a drunk’s handwriting; it’s that it was very loud. As in loud enough for the battle party that I had just mentioned I wanted to avoid to hear.

They stopped their idle chattering as they passed by us and looked in our direction. Human hand, meet human face. "Oswald, for the love of..." I whispered, but was interrupted when the plated minotaur pulled back the bush’s branches.

"What are you doing in there?!" he snarled.

"I'm face-palming at my phoenix," I groaned. "And what are you doing here?"

He tossed an intimidating snort my way, and I looked up at him just in time to see the other six begin circling the bush. Not good. I motioned for Oswald to take off, and thankfully, he complied and landed on a nearby tree, allowing me to stand up. They didn't look to be in the talking mood, so I supposed what Tycho had trained me for was about to come in handy.

I took a step out of the bush and gave them my best placating smile. "Well, gentlemen, I was in fact looking for your famous commercial settlement. If you'll be so kind as to direct me towards it, I'll be on my way."

The entire group began chuckling, advancing one step closer as they did. "Don't think this one will make it to Schunie," one of them chortled.

"Is that the name of the city?" I asked, genuinely curious.

"Yes, it is,” the leader said ominously, “but I don't think you'll make it there to see for yourself."

"Never seen one of these before," a third one remarked. "You think he'll make good sport?"

Oh how I wish I had thought to try the fire god trick again. Sure, those guys were probably a little smarter than the dragons, but it wouldn't hurt to try. But no use crying over spilled milk; now all I had to rely on to get out of this one was diplomacy, and failing that, violence. "Look, we don't need to go there, do we? I mean, there's nothing wrong with our groups just being on our separate ways, is there?"

"Think it can fight? It doesn't look armed." The speaking one readied his axe in his hands. "Should be quick, but let’s see."

Dang it, looks like I'm not slipping out of this one, I thought as I tightened my grip on Reginald and got into one of the fighting stances that Tycho had taught me.

I was at a numerical disadvantage on top of one of strength. My only hope lay in me being faster than them, otherwise this would be over as quickly as predicted by them. I doubt even phoenix tears could fix someone who got torn in half.

I heard one of them step ahead behind me and dodged to the left just in time to avoid the vertical swipe that left his axe stuck in the ground. My momentum allowed me to spin around faster and swing Reginald onto the back of his head harder than normal, and the ensuing connection sent such a fierce shockwave through Reginald. It threw me off balance for half a second. Minotaur skulls are thick, don't you guys know? At least I had whacked him hard enough that he staggered as well.

Now it was on.

I spent pretty much all of that fight weaving and ducking between the blades. Given that there were seven of them, I didn't have enough time between dodges to return any blows after the first. Their confident chatter told me that they were discussing who would get the kill, and thus, I didn't have to worry about two of them going for me at the same time. Occasionally I managed to get a hit on one of them, but their armor meant that it was largely ineffective. The leader especially was immune to everything I could throw at him.

I have to admit, I was getting pretty worried. Despite my increased endurance, the longer the battle went on, the more tired I got. I would need an advantage if I was going to get out of this one, and soon.

I chanced a glance at Oswald, who was watching with interest, and inclined my head, indicating that maybe, just maybe, he should provide a distraction so I could get on the offensive for once. Thankfully, he got the hint and took off, igniting his wings once he was up. However, my momentary focus on something other than the minotaurs surrounding me proved to be a detriment, as one of them took the opportunity and swung his axe at me. I dodged, but not fast enough.

Remember when I said those axes could cut through my body even if they were dull? Well, turns out that they weren’t. The blade nicked my arm, and just that little touch tore through both my shirt and some skin, leaving a nice jagged gash that had me stumbling and gasping in pain.

They would have pressed the advantage if they hadn’t met a nice flaming diversion. The cut wasn't too deep or on a critical spot, so I was able to recover while they were swatting at Oswald. I wasn’t worried about him. He was much too fast even for me, and these minotaurs weren’t as agile as I was.

I readied myself and swung at the only weak spot I could think of: the base of the nearest one's horn. He fell to the ground, clutching his head and howling in pain. Good to know.

With the scales tipping my way a little more, I didn’t let the confusion go to waste and struck the next one with a horizontal swipe. The blow was a little lighter, but it still had the desired effect. Of course, it also meant that the other five knew what I was up to, so they split their efforts between me and Oswald. I got three of them, including the leader, who immediately took the offensive. The fire in his eyes left one thing clear: playtime was over. He was serious about doing me in.

One of his fellows swung vertically, but I side stepped quickly enough that his axe buried itself in the ground a safe distance away. Taking my advantage, I slammed Reginald into his face, directly under the eye. He staggered back, disarmed and disoriented.

It occurred to me that it might be on my behalf to switch weapons to something that could actually strike and make it count, but I quickly pushed that thought aside. I wasn't trained to use a war axe, even though I could use some pointers from my training with a two-handed pole weapon to my benefit, I’d struggle constantly with the weird center of balance. Besides, the thing was most likely too heavy for me to lift properly. Instead, my whole concentration and stamina went to evading all attacks and countering when I felt confident in the chances.

I chanced another quick peek over at Oswald, who was way out of the other two's reach; he was safe, that much was certain. My only issue with that was that they might get bored of chasing him: if they did, well, there was a second target for them right here. I couldn't afford that, not with how tired I was getting: my arms were getting sorer by the minute, not only from the swinging, but also from the vibrations rattling my bones whenever I struck a minotaur.

I wasn't sure how much longer I could keep it up. I was in trouble and I knew it. And it was about to get worse.

I had just dodged another swipe when I felt a fierce blunt pain in the side of my head. I screamed in pain and fell to the ground, dropping Reginald on the way down, and the leader didn’t hesitate to press his hoof on my chest and the blade of his axe against my neck far before I could gather my wits. His underlings had already gotten back on their own hooves, and were standing above me with wide grins. Oswald was still busy with the other two and likely hadn't noticed my peril.

"Quite the good sport, this one was," the plated one chuckled. "I thought this would be over in seconds."

"In the end, there was nothing much to it," another one agreed. "It'll make an interesting story, that’s for sure."

"What is it, though?" one with a black eye questioned. "We can't kill it before we know what it is. I'm curious."

The leader glanced back down at me for a moment, then nodded at his subordinate. "Fair point.” He looked back down. “What are you?"

"Human," I replied. "I'm called a human."

"Any more of you around here?"

I was about to inform them that I was the only one on the planet when I figured that their ignorance about my kind was good for me. I shook my head. "No. In fact, there's a lot more of me around here… and if they figure out it was you that killed me, they will hunt you down. We don’t like it much when someone kills one of our kind for no good reason."

My eyes scanned the party, and I noticed that one of them had what looked to be a sling in his hand. He must have been the one that got the shot on my head. it sure did feel like a stone. I couldn't focus on that right now, though.

"If you let me go now, that’ll be the end of it. I won’t tell my people, and they will not pursue you, and they will not destroy you. But if you kill me, they will pursue you, they will find you, and they will kill you in ways you never thought were possible."

The leader snorted and pressed his axe down a little farther. I felt the blood starting to draw from the cut. "I doubt it. If we can take you down, we can take you all down. There's more to my clan than just the seven of us, as you figure."

I chuckled weakly. "You really think that your numbers will make a difference? We have weapons at your disposal that you couldn't imagine in your worst nightmares." I motioned over to the slinger. "Imagine his sling over there, but far more powerful. And instead of a rock, it's a metal projectile that can tear through flesh and bone, regardless of what species you are." I smirked up at them. "You ever wanted to know what it's like to lay there dying with a large hole in your gut? Well, kill me, and you’ll get to find out firsthand."

They contemplated me silently. Occasionally one would glace over at their boss, but for the most part, they didn't move. I couldn’t even see them breathe. Finally, the one in plate spoke up, "You're bluffing."

I snorted. "Ya really willing to bet on that? You've never seen a human before, while I am one. If there is a living creature that knows my people right here, right now, that’s me. Are you so certain of me being a liar that you'd be willing to risk everything?"

I felt my hand touch the handle of Watt’s old knife, and wrapped my fingers around it. If he raised his axe for the killing blow, I could do some damage to his relatively unguarded legs. It wouldn't be enough to escape, but it would sure mean that I didn’t go down like a beaten dog.

He was about to respond when we heard more hooves hitting the ground. Something else was coming towards us. The axe came off of my throat, and its owner glared at the newcomers. I twisted my head myself and saw that it was another scouting party, though this time the officer’s armor was blue.

"You shouldn't be here,” the one that was threatening me said to the new posse. “These aren't your grounds."

The opposing leader instantly stepped up to the challenge. "This is the main road to Schunie: we are free to travel it." He glanced down at me. "What do you have there?"

"It calls itself a human, not that that's any of your concern. We thought it would be worth a bit of fun."

"I'm just trying to get to this Schunie place," I groaned. "These meatheads attacked me for no friggin' reason."

The newly arrived commander grimaced at the black one. "Was that necessary?"

"He held his own well enough. It's his own fault that he lost."

"Seven to one hardly seems like a fair fight to me." The leader took a step forwards. "Isn't it a tad dishonorable to engage in such a lopsided battle?"

"What business is it of yours?" the other snarled. "Your tribe has no bearing on what mine wishes to do!"

"Oswald…!" I weakly called out. "Might be time to come back!"

That was the cue for my phoenix buddy to dive straight towards me, clueing his two attackers in on the fact that they weren't alone. While they joined their batch, Oswald, for his part, landed next to me and flared out his wings. "He has a phoenix?" the new leader questioned. "Interesting." He looked back over at my attackers. "The road to Schunie is a peaceful one. Nobody who travels it is to be attacked."

"And who's going to tell the city about this?" sneered the minotaur in black.

"I will. You know their laws: to attack a traveler to the city is to attack the city itself. And I know for a fact that you wouldn't want the city to revoke all privileges your tribe has, would you?"

The attacking leader glared, but slowly raised his axe, allowing me to grab Reginald and stand up. He glowered and pointed his axe at me. "This isn't over, human. You can't stay in the road to Schunie forever."

"Yeah, that's nice," I grumbled at him while I wiped some of the blood off of my neck and checked my arm. It was still bleeding, but very little. "I’d like to know why, though."

"I like to finish what I've started." He lowered his axe back to his side. "You were just a sport, but now that you're running off like a coward, it's going to be a pleasure to take you out."

"Enough," the other plated one growled. "This is a road of neutrality. If you cannot be respectful, then you must leave this being alone."

The black minotaur snorted in anger, but beckoned his group onwards anyway, and they stomped off, smacking the ground as loudly as they could with their hooves as if to prove a point. It was a little disheartening, knowing that I essentially had a contract on my head, but hopefully I could avoid them after I left the city.

At any rate, there were other matters to attend to, so I turned back to the new group. "Thanks. I thought I was a goner for a second there."

The blue leader smirked. "We honor the neutrality of Schunie. To violate an agreement is to bring dishonor upon my tribe." He extended a hand towards me. "I am Bludworth."

I shook it gladly. "I’m TD, and since you were asking, I’m a human. This is my phoenix, Oswald."

Bludworth tilted his head in a small nod towards my bird, which he returned, before turning back to me. "So, you're headed to Schunie?"

Schunie

So, after getting in a drawn out fight with a posse of minotaurs that left me with yet another injury to add to my growing list of them, there I was, walking down a road surrounded by another group, each of which was packing more in gear than I weighed at the moment, backpack included.

Go figure.

The journey was silent for the most part. I had put a few of Oswald’s tears on my arm to heal it up; it'd leave a nasty scar, but it didn't hurt too much after I put the tears on it. Once that was done, there wasn't much for me to do other than walk. It was only another mile or so to Schunie, so we arrived in about twenty minutes.

I have to say: according to what I was expecting, the city was magnificent. It was surprisingly fort-like, in that it was surrounded with high stone walls and patrolled at the edges by guards with sickeningly sharp spears. The front gate was open, but I could see that it could seal the city up tight behind a set of foot-thick metal leaves.

"This is the only way in or out of the city," Bludworth explained as we passed. "Should an emergency like a widespread fire occur, there are ladders positioned around the walls that will aid in evacuation, but other than that, there is no other passage."

"Not even like a sewage system?" I asked. "I've heard tell that that's a decent way to get into a guarded city if you can stomach it."

He gave me a somewhat flat look. "The entrance is patrolled."

"… makes sense." I looked up as we passed through the gate. "Though why exactly is a peaceful trading hub so heavily protected?"

"It'd be a gold mine for any clan that took it over,” he said, looking around at the stalls and rooftops. “Almost all of the money that the clans have is in here. It'd be enough to buy half of Equestria’s provinces off with and there would still be some left."

I grimaced. "Well, I think I can see the issue now…"

We ceased our conversation in lieu of me taking in the full experience that Schunie had to offer. For a city, it wasn't that heavily populated. Based on what I saw, the population must’ve capped at seven thousand, eight thousand beings tops. Yes, I did say beings and not minotaurs: the streets were also littered with griffins and ponies. I think I might have even seen a few Diamond Dogs there.

The basic setup reminded me a lot like a larger version of Ponyville. There were a decent amount of multi-store buildings, but nothing like the rows and rows of them you get in a city like, say, Canterlot. Most of them seemed to be inns or taverns, with a few official looking buildings and set shops. Really, the type of construction that took up the most space was the glorified individual stall. Each race was selling their version of everything you can think of off the top of your head, and a lot that you couldn't: food, ale, weapons, armor, basic supplies, random trinkets… Everything was there.

I let out an impressed whistle. "Nice place you've got here."

Bludworth snorted and motioned for his team to spread out, and I saw a few of them going up to some stalls with small sacks of cash. "This is the place where everybody in a five-hundred-kilometer radius comes to buy supplies. I’d say it’s only a consequence of all the hustle and bustle." He gave me an inquisitive once-over. "And what of you? Schunie’s not exactly a common gathering spot for… exotic beings."

Well, at least he was more polite about my species than the rest. I shrugged it off and explained, "I have some supplies of my own to get. I'm heading out to Griffonia next."

Bludworth cocked an eyebrow. "And why are you doing that, if you don't mind me asking?"

"Um..." I massaged my temples. "I don't really know. I'm trying to get back to my home, and I think they might be able to help."

He nodded. "And where is your home?"

I motioned to the sky with Reginald’s tip. "It's on a whole other plane of existence: an alternate dimension, if you will. Basically, Equestria’s very own Princess Celestia was screwing around with portals, and reeled me into your plane by mistake. Now she can't send me home, so I'm traveling around the nearby countries to see if somebody else can."

Bludworth shot me a look of bewilderment. “And you really believe that is possible?”

I was surprised by how he said that: instead of incredulity or mocking, all I felt coming from him was pure, honest curiosity. It was so unexpected, so weird to hear, all I could do was shrug. “I won’t know it until I try to find out. I’ve got nothing to gain by sitting still and wondering about it, right?”

He nodded. “I have to agree. In any case, what are you here to get?"

I reached into a small pocket of my backpack and pulled out a small bag of bits, grateful to be off of the topic of my evident lunacy. "Food and water, mostly. A change of clothes or some soap wouldn't be unwelcome either. I'm good on medical supplies."

The corner of Bludworth's mouth turned into a strange line. "And you've got enough to pay for all that?"

I shrugged. "I think I have about... thirty Equestrian bits in here."

Bludworth looked down at my cash bag. "Is it just bits in there, or do you have anything else?"

I put the bag back in the backpack with a frown. "Like what?"

Bludworth motioned for me to follow him. "Most shops around here will take all kinds of currency as payment, but some are picky about what money they’ll accept. You've got bits, so that'll keep most ponies happy, but some minotaur stands only take our dinars and a few griffin vendors only take their grypfs."

"Uh..." I bit my lip. "N-no, I don't have any of those." I pulled the bag out again and opened it up. "What's the exchange rate around here?"

“I think it's one and a half bit to the dinar and six tenths of a bit to the grypf.” He pointed towards a tall, gray building deep in the center of the city. "The city hall should have a specific list."

I reached into the bag and pull out one of my bits. "Well, that's great, then, isn't it?" I muttered, looking over the coin’s edge to a griffin vendor who was exchanging a sort of flat silver coin with another griffin for a cut of some sort of meat. Yeah, I definitely didn't have anything like that. "Maybe I could just hunt my food."

"You'd need a hunting license for that,” Bludworth shot me down, “and those are about a hundred dinars. You'd get in a lot of trouble if you were caught hunting so much as a rabbit without one." He motioned over to Oswald, who was flying alongside us. "Your phoenix can hunt without restrictions, since he's not recognized as a legal person, but if an official saw you eating a rabbit he caught… let’s just say the fines here aren’t exactly small."

I nodded glumly in acknowledgement. "Okay, hunting's out, and I'm already guessing that there isn't a lot of viable, unclaimed vegetation ripe for foraging around here, right?" I put the bit back in the bag. "With only thirty bits and an iffy exchange rate to go with. Great."

I got slapped on the back by a fairly large hand. "Don’t be so gloomy, it’ll be fine. It’s all a matter of how you are going to go about it."

I looked back down at my bag of bits, then up at the stalls. Then down at my bits, then at the stalls again. "I think I might have to get a job. Regardless of what I do for food, I still need cash. For example, I already know I'll need a better knife than some diamond dog's little flint blade. Just a few other odds and ends couldn't hurt either, and none of it will come for free."

Bludworth tapped his chin thoughtfully. "You know, I believe I might have a place that could take you on if you're really willing to work."

* * * *

After a ten minute trip, Bludworth and I reached what could have passed for a large barn if it didn't have a hole in the ceiling and two missing walls. A smaller minotaur was inside, banging away on a white hot metal rod placed on an anvil with a giant hammer, almost too big for him. He was only about three inches taller than I was, if I recall correctly. A stall next to the barn had weapons and armor for all kinds of creatures on display. I turned to Bludworth. "A blacksmith?"

He pointed a finger towards the barn's front wall, and I saw a large 'help wanted' sign plastered on it. "Turgis is getting on in years, and he needs a new apprentice. If you're looking for a job and some weapons, there is no finer minotaur in all of Schunie."

The two of us walked up to the workshop just as Turgis finished hammering out what looked like a small sword. He lifted the white hot metal with a pair of tongs and put it in a nearby bucket of water. The vapor came out of the bucket with a loud hiss and blew past the two of us like an instant fog bank; it even dampened my clothes a bit. The minotaur then lifted the sword up out of the bucket and held the dripping blade aloft. "Perfect," he whispered approvingly to himself.

"Yours always are." Bludworth responded as we approached the stand. "Age hasn't dulled your skills."

Turgis turned and gave Bludworth a toothy grin. "Ach, is tha' you, Bludworth? Come ta pay yer respects to one ah'yer elders, are ye?" he said in an accent I couldn't quite place. Scottish, maybe? Or, well, Scottish for me.

Bludworth grinned right back "You wish."

The two grasped the other's right forearm and smashed their heads together; it sounded like a giant banging two boulders together. I was suddenly grateful that I was not on the receiving end of this sort of greeting back when I had first met my guide. "I've got this human here that could be some help to you."

Turgis peered over at me with a flat face. "Is tha' what yer talkin' about?" he snorted. "Scrawny lil' thing, innit? Tha bird might'n be worth more, yeah?"

"Hey, I'm not that scrawny! Or even really scrawny in general!" I tossed back. I had gone through too much with Tycho to be called 'scrawny' by some old slab of beef. "I held my own against seven of you guys!"

Turgis stared me down with a raised eyebrow at me for over five seconds, then he turned to Bludworth, who confirmed my story with a nod. "It's true. Purgle had one of his typical crews put together for ‘sport hunting’. They ended up finding him instead of the usual game, however."

"Purgle? Tha' nasty git?" Turgis gave me a second, long look. "Ye ‘on't say?" He beckoned me over. "Takes a whole lotta agility ta survive 'gainst seven trained minotaurs, tiny. How’d ye manage that?"

I raised Reginald for him to see. "I got about a year of training in Zenya."

“Hm…” Turgis reached forward and took the quarterstaff out of my hand. He gave it a twirl, balanced it on one finger, then took it with both hands it and smashed it against an edge of his anvil. It sounded like a hammer had impacted it. "Pony made, Canterlot, basic unbreakable spell on steelwood. Whoever made this knew exactly what he or she was doin'… an’ that’s somethin' unusual for a Canterlot weapon when ye can even find 'em." He glanced back up from it to me. "Ye get this from one a’ tha princesses or somethin'?"

I snorted. "Like hay, oat and wheat I did. I got that in some back-alley shop some ten minutes away on foot from the castle. The maker was kind of insistent that I bought it from her, now that I think of it. She only charged me ten bits."

The two gave me a strange lopsided look. “That… sounds like a bit of a seedy story, don’t you think?” Bludworth asked.

“Not exactly,” was my answer. “I showed it to Celestia’s personal student, and she didn’t have anything to say about it other than it’s simple to make.”

Turgis snorted in disdain. “Yeah, reeeal easy… ‘long as ye’ ‘ave the right kind ‘a wood, the proper tools ta carve it without it losin' its properties an’ the unicorn able ta enchant tha thing properly. Ask me and I say tha lass ne'er got ‘er pristine lil' hooves less than fifty feet from a forge, so what'd she do ta think 'erself a master on tha subject? Read a library book on it?”

“Most likely…” I deadpanned.

“See?” Bludworth interjected. “And don't you think it's odd that something so complicated to make was sold to you for pocket change?”

It sounded like a bit of a paranoid way of thinking, but now that I thought about it, he had a point. What did that mare do to need so desperately to sell an enchanted stick to the first civilized creature that passed by?

I nodded, and he stepped closer. “Exactly. Now, even though I don’t know any of the details, I'm going to recommend you to tread the safe path here and don't go mentioning to everyone exactly where and how you got this. People tend to connect the wrong dots when they hear even a little of something.”

I blinked. “Why are you making it sound like I'm carrying stolen jewels from Luna's headgear?”

"Close 'nuff,” Turgis said. “Usually ye find somethin' this good either from Celestia's personal armory or Las Pegasus casino security. Say what ye will about tha gamblin' and the comfort horses there, but ye'd be hard pressed ta find a better place ta get weapons in Equestria than from a Las Pegasus smith. One of the larger ones outfits the guards with their weapons and arms, an' their prices are a wee bit outta-league for most." Turgis tapped Reginald against the anvil again. "Anyway, bein' a metalworker, Ah can't do too much ta improve this thing, but Ah know ponies 'round here tha' can. Tha' would cost bits or dinars tha' Ah assume ye ‘on' have."

"I'm working on thirty bits here."

Turgis snorted as he handed Reginald back to me. "'Nough ta net ye a room in one of tha cheaper inns for a night or two, Ah'll wager. Ye ain't sleepin' in the shop tha rest of 'em, so Ah'll presume ye do need a job."

I blinked, twice. "Uh... yeah, you got it right."

He sighed. "Well, no sense wastin' tha day about it." Half a second later, I was being pulled into the barn by my hand. "Put tha' satchel o' yers down in tha corner there. The bird can help if it's able."

"Oh." I slipped out of his grip and put the backpack and Reginald in one of the corners. "Thanks, I guess."

"Ah'm old, laddie. Ah need some help an' so far you look like ye can help me a lil' bit." I turned back to my new boss and he poked me in the shoulder. "On top a' that, Ah need a challenge!"

I looked over at Bludworth, only to see him shrug and give me a two-fingered salute before walking away. I gulped and looked back at the still-grinning Turgis. "… Okay, where do I start?"

~~~~

I chuckle, idly rubbing my hands. "I gotta say that those first few days were pretty tough. No matter how much weight you carry as you do it, running in circles doesn’t work the same parts of your musculature as swinging a ten-pound hammer for hours. But that’s not the worst part: this is." I hold up my hands for the ponies to see, showing that they have some good, leathery calluses on the inner face and more than a few burn scars on both sides. "If I didn't have Oswald's tears, they'd be in a lot worse shape, especially from where I started out."

Apple Bloom gets off of her chair, followed by the other two Crusaders, and reaches up for my hands. I let her grab them with her hooves, and she whistles after a more thorough examination. "Land sakes, TD, Ah figured that bein' a blacksmith was tough and all, but Ah didn't know it could get ya hurt that bad!"

"Now ain’t y'all glad that me 'n Rarity stopped the three of you from tryin' to become Cutie Mark Crusaders Blacksmiths?" Applejack says smugly.

Her sister's ears flatten. "Yeah, it was prolly fer the best." She turns back to me. "So do ya think ya did a good job bein' a blacksmith?"

I snorted. "I sure hope so, or at least that my work was passable. I worked with the guy for… over a year, I think it was."

"I take it that some of your added strength is from that, in addition to the training you underwent with Tycho?" Rarity surmises. "Certainly a year of that would build up muscular strength even further."

A slightly lewd smile crosses my face and I open my mouth to respond with yet another comment about her potential attraction to me.

To her luck, Rarity takes a hint and, blushing and gritting her teeth together, she waves a dismissive hoof. "I really set myself up for that one, didn't I?"

Oswald and I chuckle, both nodding at the same time.

My new favorite teasing target sighs. "Really, TD, must you insist on making jokes of that nature?"

I shrug. "I suppose not, but when you set up the stage, I can’t help but dance." Rarity grumbles something to herself and I let out another snicker. Somepony else laughs, too, but I can’t put a finger on who. It definitely isn’t Twilight, though; she’s looking sourer than a bottle of vinegar and lemon ever since I relayed Turgis’ thoughts on her weapon-crafting knowledge. "Anyway, I got the hang of being a blacksmith's apprentice before even a month, so I was in a nice routine pretty early. Since I had no plans to stay permanently, we made an agreement that I would work for him for at least six months, until he was able to get more help. It was all in my favor, too; winter in those parts is surprisingly cold for its geography."

~~~~

Well, it was a pretty simple time in Schunie. Turgis got my training started right away; he didn't let me do things like hammer out the steel, but he had me on supply runs, drawing water from the nearby well, working the pump to heat up the furnace, that kind of thing. I'd had some experience working with customers beforehand, so he often left me in charge of selling our wares to his customers. He showed me the ropes for bartering, something that also helped a lot when I went out to get my own stockpile of travel supplies.

We would both rise just before dawn to get to work, and I'd start the furnaces while he'd put out our merchandise. Ninety percent of our business was armor repair work – the minotaur militias were the most common, but griffins weren’t far behind. To save time, Turgis taught me how to evaluate and repair the fabric padding while he worked on the actual metal aspects, like the plates and chainmail. We'd work until about seven in the evening, then I’d put out the fires while he closed up and took stock. At the end of each day, I’d get thirty percent of what we had made – daily, that summed up to around two hundred dinars, most of which I put in a bank account that I had set up for myself. The rest I converted into bits and grypfs and spent as needed.

I think it was about halfway into the winter months before anything of real interest happened. I progressed fast enough in the crafting part of the job that I was able to help Turgis with some pretty cool stuff. Not that I got to use it, or train with it at all, but I knew that, once I got some cash behind me, I would only be keeping Watt’s knife for its sentimental value.

Having said that, Turgis wasn’t a slouch when it came to flint either, and he gave me some good pointers on how to beef it up for more sharpness and durability. By the end of it, not gonna lie, I could easily stab through two inches of solid wood with no fear of breaking it. Watt’s work was like a child playing with clay by comparison.

Anyhow, it was a month or so into winter before something interesting… and more than a little terrifying, happened. Turgis had only recently started me on unsupervised craftsmanship, and I was hammering away at a griffin’s helmet when I heard three or four minotaurs approaching. "Just give me one second, guys." I said, craning my head up for a acknowledging glance. "I'm almost done with the..."

The hammer was halfway down to the helmet when it hit me who I was seeing. I recognized that full suit of black plate armor and that wicked battle axe instantly; the latter had almost been the end of me some time back after all.

I put the hammer down, chuckling uneasily. "Hello, gentlemen. It's... well, I can't say that it's exactly nice to see you again, but here we are."

The posse’s faces were hardened into scowls, and the leader in particular – Purgle, I think that Bludworth said his name was – looked quite like he'd enjoy tearing me in two then and there. "You."

I shrugged and began banging away at the helmet again like nothing had happened. "What do you know, it is me."

Purgle's eyes narrowed, and he took a menacing step inside the barn. "If it isn't the little runt that I should have wiped off the face of the planet months ago."

That line was enough to change my unease into anger. "If it isn't the coward who attacked me seven on one," I spat back, waggling a finger at him, despite knowing full well that I was playing with fire big time. "Isn't it a big no-no for minotaurs to attack something seven to one if the something isn’t seven times their size? That’s very dishonorable."

Purgle snorted steam through his nostrils and slammed his hand down on the table. “Oh, you spunky little punk, I'm definitely going to leave you as a red smear on the ground the second I get the chance!"

I frowned. "Yeah, about that… can I ask why? I mean, really, I don’t get the bone you have to pick with me."

"You got away." He leaned in even closer. "I don't like it when things that are mine get away from me. You were supposed to be good sport, even if that meddler Bludworth got in the way."

"Yeah, in your dreams. In any case, here I am now," I responded evenly, "protected from you by Schunie's laws. So unless you want your entire clan's rights to the city taken away from you, you won’t want to try anything and will leave me alone."

Purgle was about to respond, but someone else cut him off by walking right up. "What's goin' on ‘ere, laddie? Ah told ye ta get tha' helmet done so..." Turgis stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Purgle and his cronies. "Purgle? What ‘re ye doin' ‘ere? Come ta give mah apprentice a hard time?"

Purgle huffed again and took his hand off of the table. "Of course not, Turgis. He was never in any danger from me or my clan today. I cannot say the same for him outside of the city, but here, he is safe." His eyes narrowed in frustration. "As are the rights of all of us."

Turgis snorted himself. "Ah did nae think so. Yet Ah ain't so dense yet that Ah cannot see tha' ye wanna kill ‘im. Why be that?"

"Apparently because he didn't kill me when we met last." I raised my hand into the air and pretended to point out an invisible banner. "I can even see the posters: 'TD vs Purgle 2: First It Was Sport, Now It's Personal.'"

Turgis shook his head and took over the work on the helmet. "When will ye learn, Purgle? Not everythin' new is a toy or a target."

"This is not your affair, Turgis," Purgle snarled. "This is between me and the human." He straightened up and crossed his arms. "And as for you, I challenge you to a death match, right here in Schunie."

Somehow, the entire town square went quiet. The blacksmith wasn't exactly on the beaten path, but everybody there knew where we were, and we had a few other stalls on either side of us that got good business, so there were about two dozen merchants and passers-by around when Purgle made the challenge. Each and every one of them went dead silent. Even his goons' jaws dropped, and it was not hard to guess why.

Now, before I explain why everybody went so quiet, let me explain a bit about combat rules in Schunie. No, Dash, I’m not stalling or exaggerating: you’re genuinely going to have to know this to understand.

Here’s the thing: as I've mentioned before, it's illegal to fight in the city limits or on the road to the city – if you do, your rights and those of anyone you represent, be it clan or otherwise, are revoked. Having said that, minotaurs are a species that likes to fight, so foreseeing this, the leaders of the city set up designated fighting arenas within the city where anybody who wants to fight for whatever reason, from a friendly spar to a lifetime grudge, could go and duke it out. It’s free for anybody who wants to fight, and since most fights draw a decent crowd, which in turn draws betting. The score is settled, the public’s entertained, Shunie cashes in on the betting taxes, and everybody’s happy. If one of the combatants is killed by accident, the surviving combatant is fined.

Death matches are a little different. From what Turgis taught me, the city knew that sometimes the quarrel would necessitate a death match based on each clan's perception of honor. So, figuring that it would both deter frequent death matches and create a decent source of revenue for the city, they legalized death matches, but at a really high cost, which varies from ‘an arm and a leg’ to ‘your lifetime savings’ on average. The winner got a small cut of the profits, most of which usually went to medical bills.

For the time I spent there, given the rarity of death matches, when they happened, it was all that anybody could talk about. The shops would close down on the day of the fight, every detail of the match that could be exploited would be plastered on the front page of the news, and the fighters never got a moment's peace. To hear Turgis talk about it, the betting on death matches was so heavy that it literally affected the balance of the city’s economy. On top of all of that, it was often years before the losing clan would dare show their faces in the city again out of shame. I think the minimum was at least two years, which is a bit reason why it was so uncommon.

That's how big of a deal this was.

~~~~

I pause in my explanation when I hear the scratching of a quill on parchment. Exactly as I expected, Twilight is scribbling down what I'm talking about, furiously so. I shake my head languidly, smirking knowingly. "Having fun, Twilight?"

"Yes, yes, yes!” she says with an eager grin. “You’re a cornucopia of up-to-date geographical information, TD! You have no idea how much you’re giving me to work with! Go on!"

I roll my eyes in good nature. "Anyway..."

~~~~

So yeah, I was standing still in a dead silent marketplace, with a giant, fully armed and armored minotaur who had just challenged me to a duel standing in front of me. What was worse was that pretty much the entire social climate of Schunie for the next long while would depended on my answer.

With a great deal of difficulty, I swallowed and sputtered out a reply. "Uuh... why exactly?"

Purgle's mouth twisted into a malicious grin. "You're a coward. If you decline, when you leave the city, I'm going to hunt you down and finish the job that way. You should be thanking me: I'm giving you your only shot at an honorable death. It's either this, or I hunt you down to the ends of the world. You fought me and ran. Now you’re in a corner, and the only way out is through me."

It was at this point that Turgis recovered his wits to try to knock some into Purgle. "Listen ‘ere, ye ninny! Yer still a young chieftain, don' ye go throwin' the glove at anybody who looks at ye funny!"

"Stay out of this, old man," Purgle snarled without so much as looking at him. "I believe that this being took some of my honor when he scurried away. Now I want to reclaim it."

"Look, it was seven against one!" I retorted. "How is that honorable at all?!"

"The amount matters little. You hid behind Bludworth when he came up the road like a scared little calf hiding behind his mother."

"Yer bein' thick-headed, Purgle!" Turgis insisted. "If ye feel that yer honor was truly damaged, then jus' challenge him to a normal sparrin' match an' be done wi’ it!"

Purgle shook his head and leaned against the table again. "Death. Match."

I looked over at Turgis, who was glancing uneasily between the two of us. Based on what he had told me of death matches, combined with what I was beginning to figure out about Purgle, I knew it was up to me to get out of this. "Uh, look... can't we settle this like civilized beings?"

"We are. Death match."

By now quite the crowd had gathered around Turgis' shop, listening intently to our exchange.

"The alternative is you spending the rest of your life here in Schunie. Your honor will have been irreparably damaged from having refused a death match, and thus nobody will want to interact with you, let you buy their items, or stay in their inns. Or, you leave the city and I go after you when you do." He began drumming his fingers on the table. "You can accept the death match, and die with honor."

"Uh..."

"If you like I'll even cover your entry fee." His nasty grin returned. "Just to show that it isn't personal."

I cast him the most skeptical glare I could conjure. "Yes it is."

Purgle shrugged. "Be that as it may, I want your answer. Do you choose to starve in the streets of Schunie in dishonor, die out in the field in dishonor, or die honorably in the arena?"

"Uh..." My gaze zoomed around, scanning the crowd, hoping that anybody could get me out of this one. I hoped that some official would come along and break it up and say that death matches had been made illegal in the time that we had been talking… but nobody did. All that was left to do was for me to answer.

"Uh... I guess I don't really have any choice in the matter, do I?"

Purgle's malicious show of teeth widened. "So you accept the challenge?"

My stomach was twisting itself into so many knots that I almost vomited right there, but I kept my composure and nodded. "Yes. I do accept your death match challenge, Purgle."

The silence extended to even the breeze, like the town itself was holding its breath. It was all about my words in response to Purgle’s words.

Finally, someone in the crowd spoke up in a tone that I would describe as a cross between amusement and incredulity. "Oh Celestia, no way!" Wouldn’t you know, it was a pony.

Author's Note

Cave you ever wanted a t-shirt that says "I walked up to Celestia and punched her in the face?" Of course you have! Now you can have one! http://www.cafepress.com/bronywritermerc

Also, it is at this time that I would like to officially announce that I am making plans to attend this year's Bronycon meeting.

Preparation

I half-smirk at my listeners, whose jaws have dropped over the course of this latest part of the story. Even Celestia has a raised eyebrow and a slightly tilted head, which considering her usual poker face, is pretty impressive.

I idly scratch the back of my head and reach out for my mug. Somehow, me doing this snaps Applejack out of it. "So... lemme get this straight. This Purgle feller was so mad y'all got away from him the first time that he challenged you to a death match?"

I nod, putting the mug down. "I believe that's the story I have just told you, yes... But as you can plainly see, I survived, against all odds."

"Eh, you kept your game up when it was seven of them against you,” Rainbow Dash says dismissively. “I bet you coulda kicked the rump of that one dude, no sweat!"

I can’t help but feel a little inflated by her relaxed positive opinion of me, but at the same time, I have to scoff and cross my arms in disdain. "If we hadn't been fighting on one of the busiest roads in the minotaur tribal lands, I wouldn't be here talking with you for a number of reasons. If you recall, I said I was this close,” I hold up my thumb about half a centimeter from my index finger, “to slipping up and getting my head lopped off."

Rarity clicks her tongue. "I suppose that's all speculation, darling, but I am indeed curious to know how you escaped fighting in a death match with such a bloodthirsty ruffian."

I raise an eyebrow at her. "Escaped?" Oswald and I exchanged a look. "If you think I ‘escaped’ from that unpleasant episode, Rarity, you came to the wrong conclusion."

Her eyebrows knit together. "You… actually fought that beast?"

I nod and run a hand through my scraggly hair. "Yep, I participated in the death match alright." Unlike when Rainbow Dash praised my skills, I feel like I can let my ego grow off something I actually could do, and in fact, did.

The ponies, especially the Crusaders, gasp in surprise. "Does... does that mean that you… killed him?" Fluttershy whispers in horror. "Did you actually kill another civilized creature?"

My half-smile fades. I take a quiet, deep breath as my gaze trails to the table, which Reginald is leaning against. I gently reach out and wrap my fingers around it.

~~~

It was a good four hours before the crowd around us dissipated, and that was after detailed interviews to four separate reporters. Each of us had a different reaction to it all, as you can imagine.

Purgle preened at each one of the questions, as if all of this was the highest honor he and his clan could get.

Turgis was a good sport about it. He half-joked that he wished all death matches would be declared in front of his shop, because it was good for business. And boy was he right: he did see a considerable increase in customers over the next few months. He was outfitting both combatants after all.

As for me, once the shock of it all wore off it was all I could do to keep it together in front of everybody. I knew I couldn't show any weakness or my opponent would use that. I just had to bite my lip and bear enduring conversations about how a giant minotaur wanted my head adorning his wall.

Once the hubbub died down, a group of bureaucrats and city officials came to talk to us about the whole thing. They wanted to make sure the fight would go down smoothly. True to his word, Purgle paid my entry fee – he obviously expected to win most of it back, as I imagine his clan did a fair amount of betting on him to offset the costs.

At any rate, it was decided that the match would take place exactly six months from the current date, to give us both time to set up and do any training that we would require. I, of course, would need a lot, since I didn't really have any combat training that would actually allow me to neutralize an armored opponent. My training in Zenya didn’t cover that much.

The good news was that, after that, Purgle's clan mostly left me alone; I guess they figured they didn't need to rub it in that their leader was going to try to kill me anymore. Sure, I got some threatening looks, but mum was the word even when it came to Purgle himself – all I got from him when we crossed paths was a curt, mocking nod and a smug smirk.

It was late at night by the time the noise died down. Turgis extinguished the furnaces and put the parts of the half-finished armor we were working on before in a few wicker baskets he had lying around.

Meanwhile, I was leaning against the wall of the blacksmith, poking the dirt with Reginald’s lower tip while Oswald nuzzled my temple and a million thoughts crossed my mind.

"Fires are all out, lad," I heard Turgis say from behind me. "Ye can go off ta bed if ye prefer."

I took a deep, long breath, and let it out just as slowly. "K."

His footsteps grew louder behind me, until they came to a stop not two meters away. "Yer worried about tha death match, ain't ye?"

"Psh," I grumbled, rubbing my temples with my free hand. "Imagine me being scared of going into a life-or-death combat situation."

Turgis didn’t react to my sarcasm. "Ye didn't seem that scared when tha whole town was comin' at ye ta get tha story," he observed simply, then snorted and tapped my stick arm lightly with the back of his hand. "Ye were actin' like it was nothin’ outta tha ordinary."

"Yeah, well, I guess the coin hadn't quite dropped yet." I set my staff down and put my head in my hands, blinking hard to get the dry feeling off my eyes. "I didn't freaking travel for years to die in some arena for some sick jerk's pride."

Turgis scoffed and leaned against the wall. "Yer bein a real sunshine abou’ this, ain't ye?"

I returned his scoff and began twirling Reginald. "Since how early are minotaurs trained to fight?"

"Almost outta the womb," Turgis admitted. "Clan chieftains like Purgle devote their lives to it."

"Thought so." I tapped Reginald against the ground. "Meanwhile, I’ve gotten my only training with this walking stick here, and that was probably just under a year, too. I have literally nothing else to go by." I thunked my head against the wall. "I'm not gonna last two minutes against that guy."

"Oh fer goodness sakes!" Before I could respond to Turgis’ change of tone, I felt myself being grabbed by the front of my shirt and lifted into the air. There’s one thing I don’t think he accounted for, maybe because he hadn’t seen me actually fight yet or something: Tycho’s training regime, especially chicken-catching, gave me a scary good reflex time. I’d slammed my knee into his midsection before I knew myself what my body was doing.

I looked up from where I landed to see Turgis crouched with a hand on his stomach, heaving for air. I blanched: it was the first time I’d ever hit my employer and, I’ll admit, one of two real friends I had in a hundred-mile-wide radius.

Then, I noticed he wasn’t just gasping… he was snickering. “Uh… you okay there?” I asked, moving to help him up.

He accepted the hand I offered him, and got back on his hooves. “Heh, heh… don’t ye worry about me. Ah’m old, but not made a’ glass.” He dusted his legs off. “An’ ye say ye got nothin’ to use against ‘im?”

“Uh…”

His laughter died, and he gave me a blank, exasperated look. “In case ye didn’t know, laddie, minotaurs can’t hit with that part a’ their legs that ye used.”

I shook my head. “So I can knee and he can’t. I don’t think that’s gonna be much use against someone using plate mail, Turgis.”

Turgis nodded sagely. “Tha’ may be true, but there be other things yer not lookin’ at. Lessee if ye can figure ‘em out.”

I stopped to think. What did I have in my skill set that could help me against a trained combatant twice my size? “Well, Purgle’s bunch didn’t seem very intelligent, for one. I mean, they kept trying to swat Oswald outta the air even after he showed he could evade easily.”

He slapped me on the back. "Ah've been workin' with ye fer a while now, laddie, and Ah can tell this much: yer a lot more clever than tha’ whole lot put together. Now wha’ else?"

I remembered blades. Lots of blades cutting through the air. “I guess I’m more nimble, too? I mean, it did take a while for them to hit me the first time, and it was because of my own flub.”

Turgis nodded. “That’s two things already.”

After that, I tried to think of more, but all that came to mind was their laughter and my panic to dodge lethal strikes, and let me tell you, that doesn’t make for good motivation. I sighed and slid to sit on the ground. "So I’m smarter and more agile. Meanwhile, Purgle is stronger, has better endurance, the conviction to kill and the training to back it all up. That's not to mention that he has the weapons to do it, too." I picked Reginald back up. "Reginald is versatile and all-around great to have, but it's not exactly deadly to somebody wearing full plate." I raised a bare arm. "Which is something that I don't have, either."

Turgis growled and kicked me in the shin. "Oh, get up, laddie. Yer embarrasin' me, ye know tha'?" When I sighed and pushed myself to my feet, he continued, "Look, Ah won' deny tha' ye seem ta be tha underdog here, but with yer attitude, yer going to lose, fast, and Ah'm gonna halfta say tha' ye never worked 'ere so Ah don't get shamed of a’ business!" He flicked me on the back of the head. "The way it's goin', Ah doubt yer even gonna put up half a fight!"

"I will so!" I retorted, swatting his hand away. "I've come too far to just curl up and die now!"

Turgis snorted a visible gout of steam. "Coulda fooled me."

I raised my head and shot him my best glare. "Look, I am going to try! I really am! It's just really overwhelming right now, okay?!"

Turgis folded his arms. "Ye've never really been in a fight with somethin' that's been tryin' ta kill ye, have ye?"

"I didn't say that!" I motioned to the exit of the city. "When I was starting out on my travel, I got in a fight with some Diamond Dogs." I reached behind me to a sheath I had commissioned and pulled out my flint knife. "I had this in my belly up to the handle, and were it not for Oswald, I wouldn't be here right now."

"Didje whine like a suckling calf before that fight, too?"

My glare intensified. "No I didn't! I just... fought. I knew I would die if I didn't fight, so I fought." A tired feeling washed over me. I think I needed a nap right then, more than any other time in my life. I put the knife away and leaned my head against the wall. "And I'm gonna fight here, too. Like I said, I didn't come this far just to die for some idiot’s twisted sense of honor. If I have him at my mercy, will I kill him? I don't know. But I'm going to make sure that if I go down, I'll go down fighting like a man."

Turgis, to my surprise, was positively beaming at me when I looked up. Before I could say anything else, he burst out into loud, rambunctious laughter, lifted me to my feet and slapped my shoulder. "Laddie, that’s what Ah was lookin’ fer! Ye jus’ proved ye won't die like a little calf beggin' fer his ma."

"I wasn't like that when the Diamond Dog had already stabbed me."

"Exactly!" Another slap to the back. I think I discovered bruises there the next day, I’m not sure. "Yer gonna be okay. A fight like the one yer about ta go through is gonna be the talk of Schunie for generations to come, particularly if ye win." He tapped my chest with a finger. "Nobody ‘as ever fought a human before, so should ye win, yer race will be respected 'mongst Schunie forever; you in particular. Even losing carries some honor, because ye were brave 'nough ta enter tha ring and fight in tha first place." He narrowed his eyes and leaned in closer. "Give 'em Tartarus, laddie. Make 'im scared ta enter tha ring with ye. Use yer strengths to yer advantage. Make ‘im wish he had never decided to enter tha ring with ye in the first place, and ye'll be alright."

* * * *

The next sunrise saw me up and about, training for my match with Purgle. I started by running a warm-up lap around Schunie, and after a quick break, beginning work on my staff combat exercises.

I'm not gonna lie, at first I had no idea how I was going to take out a minotaur at least two feet taller than me with what was essentially a toothpick to him, but Turgis showed me how the second he got a break from work. He beckoned me to an open area behind his shop, where he had a wooden target set up on the far wall. He was carrying a bundle underneath his arm, which he put it on a small table close to a back wall.

He undid the string holding it all together and unrolled the bundle, revealing... "Knives?" I frowned and picked one up. It was about three or four inches longer than my hand, measuring from the bottom of my palm to the tip of my middle finger.

"Knives." Turgis picked up one of the five he had brought, and with a flick of his wrist, it was embedded in the target’s bullseye. "Throwin’ knives, if ye wanna be picky abou’ names." I twirled the knife I was holding in my hand as he picked up another one. "Look, laddie, Ah know ye ain't exactly the killin' type, but ye got ta have somethin' more deadly than tha stick of yers if yer gonna win out there."

I nodded with some disgruntlement. That old codger had really come to know me over the last few months.

He flipped the knife up in the air. "Now, the key ta throwin' knives is ta hold the side opposite the weight. Since these knives are blade heavy, yer gonna want ta use tha ‘andle ta grip ‘em." Another throw, another bullseye. "Now you try it: grasp it by the 'andle, take a step back and to the left since yer right-handed, keep the knife horizontal to yer target, and throw it as hard as you can." Turgis picked up a third knife, and it soon joined its fellows in the center of the target. "Always follow through wi’ yer throw."

I took a deep breath and nodded. "Okay... I think I might have an idea of what to do." I cracked my neck, gripped the knife tightly, took a step back with my left foot forward, raised the knife, and threw it as hard as I could towards the target, exactly like I was told to. To my delight, the blade embedded itself two rings from the center. "Not bad," I contemplated with a grin.

Turgis chuckled. "Tha’ yer first time throwin' a knife?"

I nodded proudly.

"Well then, not too shabby. But!, if yer gonna actually gonna do some damage to yer target, ye gotta be accurate."

He nudged the fifth and final knife to me, and I threw it just like before. It was a little less accurate, but it still got embedded in the target. "I think I could get pretty good at this in six months," I remarked while I walked over to the target to collect the knives. Turgis’ dead shots were noticeably hard to pull off the wood, but I wasn’t glaringly behind him in that aspect either. I took that as a good sign.

"Ah'll set ye up with a more life-like target tomorrow. Gotta get ye something more like what yer actually gonna be throwin' at." Turgis took the knives from me and placed them down on the table. "Ye can ‘probly find a good belt for 'em somewhere 'round here. Mah experience says most places will give discounts fer death match contestants, if it’s not outright free. Th’ prestige comin' from yer business will be good enough for most of 'em.

“At any rate, Ah figure yer good as ye can get on this stick there,” he said, holding up Reginald. “So fer now, focus on gettin’ good at throwin' those knives. Ah have somethin' important ta be workin' on.”

With his part said, Turgis turned around back to the forge. I ran a hand through my hair, seeing how Oswald stared intently at the knives on the table. I picked one up and took a step back.

* * * *

I dare to say that, over the next month, I got pretty good at throwing those knives. Turgis made up a to-scale minotaur dummy and marked all of the weak spots on it. Mostly it was the joints, like the crooks of the elbows and knees, the insides of the thighs and so on, places where there can’t be plate so movement isn’t restricted. By the end of that first month I could hit every one of them with perfect accuracy from more than twenty feet away, while still keeping my training with Reginald up to par.

Anyway, once I showed him how good at throwing the knives I’d gotten, Turgis had me working on how to actually fight with them in melee, in case I lost Reginald or needed to cut instead of smashing the target. It was another two months before I got any good at that, what with it being completely different from the keep-away style quarterstaff fighting is all about.

Finally, I caught a huge break about halfway through the waiting-slash-training, when Bludworth and his clan showed up. I was going through the basic defense knife moves again while Turgis was working, when I heard Oswald squawk excitedly about something. I looked his way and saw him pointing a wing at something that turned out to be a group of minotaurs, led by none other than Bludworth himself. I smiled at the arrivals and gave them a salute with my knife. "Hey there, Bludworth. Here for news on the death match?"

Bludworth smirked and walked up next to me. "Almost everybody is here for the death match, human. You've caused quite a stir since I saw you last."

I shrugged and returned the knife I was using to a bandoleer that I had made for me, wiping some sweat off my face as I did so. “Don’t tell me. I wonder how long it’ll be until they settle down with it.”

"Two months, and nineteen days if the newspapers are anything to be believed," Bludworth said with an amused snort. "If not longer, after you win it."

My smile fell, and I leaned against the back wall of the training area with my eyes closed. "About that…” I started, but then I reconsidered. I didn’t have a reason to talk about my insecurities to him about the match. So instead, I re-worded my argument. “I've been trying to brush up on some new skills. So far, I've gotten pretty good at throwing knives and stuff like that, on top of what I can already do with my Clovevellian staff."

"Hmm." Bludworth resumed stroking his chin. "Have you given any thought to unarmed combat? It’s very likely that either of both of you’ll be disarmed entirely at some point, and Purgle knows how to fight with bare hands. Do you?"

I shook my head. "No. Heck, until a few months ago, I only really knew how to fight with a stick; I owe what skill variety I have to Turgis." I shrugged and scratched Oswald's head feathers. "Sounds like a good idea to learn, though."

He nodded and waved me towards the center of the training space, while his fellows dispersed to attend their own personal businesses. I followed him until I stood in front of him, while Oswald perched on my backpack. Bludworth clapped his hands to get rid of the dust, ready to start his lecture. "The important thing about grappling is to know both your center of balance and your opponent’s. If you can make him fall, you have the advantage, either to buy time to regain your weapon or disable him another way."

"I assume that means going for his legs," I said, motioning to Bludworth’s relatively tiny appendages, "because I can tell you right now that I'm definitely not gonna be able to take a minotaur down by tackling them head-on, let alone a lug half again my size."

"Exactly. However, you need to consider the fact that he's going to be wearing armor down there as well, so you can't hit him too hard or else you risk self-injury. Now..." Bludworth adjusted his stance and spread his arms as if he was going to tackle me. "If you two grapple, it’s vital that you don’t let him get a good grip on you. Trust me, I've seen that slime break the spines of some of his foes in the ring, and they were bigger than you. It's all over for you if that happens."

I took a deep breath and copied Bludworth's stance. "Right. Don't let him get a good grip on. Makes sense."

Bludworth spent most of the rest of the day teaching me various stances and grapple moves. Of course, that means that I spent most of the day on the ground, as he routinely got a good grip on me and slammed me down. It got to the point where I needed some of Oswald's tears to get rid of the worst of the bruising. I knew he was going easy on me in terms of when he threw me down, but I was grateful that he didn't pull any punches when we were actually grappling. Purgle certainly wouldn't, so I figured that it wouldn't do me any good to train under different conditions.

The day eventually ended without me getting the upper hand on Bludworth. In fact, I would go so far as to say he didn't even break a sweat. Eventually, though, the sun set and Turgis closed shop. I sat down with my back to the wall, with Oswald nuzzled up close to me, and looked up at Bludworth, who was putting his armor back on – he had taken it off when showing me the ropes.

"Bludworth, I have to ask you something." He grunted to show me he was listening, and I continued, "What's your stake in me? I mean, why would you help me out like you have? You got me a job, you're teaching me to fight, heck, you even saved my life for no real reason. It's not that I'm ungrateful, but someone running the extra mile like this, if you know what I mean... it's a little disconcerting.”

"You're clanless," he answered as if I had asked him how much was two plus two.

I blinked. "Clanless?"

"Clanless." He finished strapping on his armor and turned my way. "As you know, I lead the clan that you see me with. Our previous leader died of old age after he named me his successor.” He sighed. “But, I wasn't always part of his clan."

That was surprising. "What happened?"

Bludworth took a deep breath and leaned against the opposite wall. "I was originally born in another clan, one that was prone to war." He snorted, and a smirk crossed his face. "Not unlike Purgle's own. It got to the point where anybody who looked at any member of my clan funny would get the full brunt of our military down on them."

"And it didn't work out forever," I guessed. "Your clan got overconfident."

Bludworth nodded. "When I was fifteen years old, one of the more rash members of my clan challenged an elder from another clan to a death match. Given that the elder was far more experienced, my fellow found himself on the brink of defeat in ten minutes." Bludworth's face hardened, and he turned his head in the direction of the arena. "Knowing he would die if he didn't do something, he threw dirt into the face of the elder, then moved behind him and stabbed him in the back. Repeatedly."

I scratched my neck. "I'm guessing that crossed the line of what's acceptable in the ring."

He nodded again. "They say there are no rules in the ring, but that’s only technically speaking. To stab an opponent in the back during an honorable match..." Bludworth sighed and bowed his head. "That night, my clan moved out of Schunie to go back to our territory, and when they arrived, they were met with the full force of three other tribes intent on giving them a lesson. I was the only one to stay behind, to finish up a few deals for provisions for the next day, so I wasn't there when it happened."

I knew where this was going... "So, that left you as the only surviving member of your folks."

"The only surviving male member, yes,” Bludworth nodded sagely. “The widowed females found places in other clans, but males don’t have that luck." He raised his head and locked eyes with me. "Twenty two years wandering alone, human. Over two decades of not having a home, a real means of sustenance, or a friendly ear to listen. It was the single most intolerable experience I have ever been through. None of the others would lift a finger to help me, even the females from my old clan.

He took a deep breath. "Eventually, one of the elders from another tribe chose to take me in. 'A waste of able body', he said when they asked for a justification. There was some hostility at first, as anyone could predict, but eventually, I was fully accepted."

I scratched the back of my head. "Okay, but… that still doesn't quite explain why you've taken such an interest."

A small, sad smile crossed his face. "I think it's because you remind me a lot of myself back then. You have the spirit and resolve that not even a fully armed hunting pack of far more experienced fighters than you could crush. Beyond that, though, the cards don't seem to have stacked in your favor." Bludworth shook his head. "No offense, but I don't think you have the combat experience necessary to fight in a death match in the arena, particularly when somebody like Purgle is involved.”

I took a deep breath and nodded. "No offense taken, because, well, you're certainly right about that. I..." I closed my eyes and massaged my temples. "I'm not even sure I have it in me to kill Purgle, even though I know that, if I don't, I'll die out there." I forced my eyes back open. "And I did not come this far to die now. You would not believe some of the stuff that I have been through."

Bludworth raised an eyebrow and cocked his head. "I'm pretty sure I have an idea. I've been through it myself, as I said."

"You were still around your own species, right?"
Bludworth tilted his head in a slight nod. "If I fail in what I'm trying, I'm never going to see another human being as long as I live. I'm..." I exhaled deeply and ran a hand through my hair. "I'm dying as the last human if I fail... It's a scary thought."

My first friend in this land just nodded, slowly and sagely. “Having no one to relate to on a more intimate level, you say...? I can understand that.”

"Right." I rested my hand on Oswald's back and allowed him to nuzzle my wrist. "So I will do ~everything in my power to make sure that does not happen. I know nobody here can get me home now, but I will survive to try to find someone who can."

"Even if it means killing Purgle?"

My gaze trailed to the ground, and I lowered my head. "Yeah. I'm sure. I'd rather not, but I'm not letting some sadistic bully keep me from getting home."

Author's Note

Last time I was about to post a Wanderings chapter, I accidentally broke my laptop for a few weeks. This time... nothing bad happened. On top of that, I'm around 1500 words into the next chapter already and I'm going to get it done today if I can.

The Ultimate Showdown

In the coming months, my daily schedule was all about throwing knives and hand-to-hand. We even had a more mechanically minded Saddle Arabian set up a mechanism that moved the minotaur dummy that I was training with around, both erratically and in patterns. I knew it still wasn't a perfect substitute for the real thing, but I trained enough that I was pretty accurate with it. But as they say, practice makes perfect, so it got to the point where I was pretty flawlessly accurate with the knives in relaxed conditions, which hopefully meant I could be deadly with them when under stress too.

The six months came and went faster than I would have liked. I'd tell more of them, but there isn't much to tell aside from the fact that, every single day, I could be found practicing whatever I was recently taught or polishing up the skills I already had. I didn't drop my job with Turgis, but that was only when he was too busy to tend to the blacksmith on his own... which in fact wasn't that rare: true to his guess, he did get a lot of business when people started figuring out that he was arming both sides.

There was one thing that I couldn't shake no matter what I did, though, and it was the increased feeling of dread. I don't know if any of you can possibly relate to this, but the more days that went by, the more I started to get this sneaking suspicion that... well, that I wouldn't be getting out of the match walking. I mean, yes, if I was going to get in a fight with a band of Diamond Dogs again, I'd win. Easily. But Purgle wasn't exactly a slouch in the fighter's department, and not as stupid as a dog that gets confused by an imitation of a film skit.

But Lord knows I had to try.

It was the evening before the fight that I was starting to really get worried. Bludworth and I were reclining against one of the walls of the training area that Turgis had set up, silent for the most part. Oswald was asleep snuggled up next to my stomach, leaving me to brew what I had in my head. It was Bludworth that broke the silence first. "I shouldn't even bother asking if you're nervous about tomorrow, should I?"

I half chuckled, half scoffed and poked at the ground idly. "No. Not really. You know darned well I am, probably the best out of everyone. The way things are going, I'm gonna freaking die tomorrow; cut down at the age of..." I scratched my head. "Well, I'm not sure how long I've been gone, but I think I'm about twenty-three or twenty-four."

"How long does your species generally live?"

"Round about seventy-five to eighty. A hundred if we're really lucky, and almost never in very good health." I shrugged and picked up Reginald. A new carving representing me fighting Purgle's posse had appeared. It'd probably have a brand new one tomorrow if I survived. A small smile, not born of any real humor, crossed my face. "What do you think are my odds?"

"The betting odds for you are two-fifty to one. It'd probably be worse, but nobody is sure what a human is capable of."

I laid my head back with a grimace in my face. "Wonderful."

"Everybody in my clan did place bets on you, though." Bludworth copied the smirk I felt growing on my mouth. "If you do win, we'll be the richest clan in these parts."

I chuckled. "I'll try to win, then, for you guys."

Neither of us were really quite sure what to say after that, and we both knew that any banter we shared wouldn't help my nerves very much since all it would come back to in the end was my impending doom, so Bludworth and I just sat there in silence.

Our palpable quiet was broken when we heard somebody coming towards us. That somebody turned out to be Turgis. I gave him a two fingered wave and a grunt of greeting. "Lyin' around like a dog, are ye?" he grumbled. "You 'n Bludworth here talkin' 'bout yer feelin's like a coupla pony mares?"

"You have absolutely no idea how many mares I know that would take offense to that, old man," I threw back at him. "But we're just relaxing, really, I think we have a right after showing some results." I tapped Reginald on the ground at the same time that I lifted a finger to a pair of knives stuck halfway to the handle on the minotaur dummy.

Turgis scoffed. "Ah see, 'en. Well, if ye wanna 'ave an advantage on th' morrow, Ah'd suggest ye follow me. Ah've been makin' somthin' Ah think ye'll like."

Curious, I stood up and followed him into his shop, which at this point was brightly lit with both torches and the fire from the forge. And lo and behold, right next to the forge, there was a set of armor. One that looked like it would fit... me.

The armor was a combination of leather and more lightweight metalwork, a majorly hardened leather chestpiece covering a mail shirt. The lower half was made up of roughly the same setup except it had some metalwork protecting the front of my legs. The arms were protected by a leather shirt with metalwork down the length, capped off with leather gloves. To top it off, a lightweight helmet. I raised an eyebrow and turned to Turgis. "When did you find the time to make this?"

He walked up to his creation. "What, it's not like Ah made it all at once. Plus, there are obviously parts tha' Ah had ta import." He tapped on a leather glove. "Leather ain' really mah specialty."

I raised an eyebrow as I walked to his side. "So... you just made this for me?"

Turgis snorted, bathing the helmet he'd picked up with steam. "Don't ye be daft, laddie. Ah know yer givin' me lotsa business, but it's not like Ah'm just gonna give ye a full set of armor like this. Ah've been taking the cost outta yer pay since you accepted this death match." He tossed the helmet in my direction with a smirk, and I caught it with ease: it was surprisingly light. "But once again, once the people around 'ere see that Ah made this, it'll be great for business."

I returned his smirk. "You're going to have to find a new apprentice, though, one way or the other."

"You're not staying in Schunie if you win?" Bludworth questioned.

I snorted myself and shook my head. "No way, no how. The only reason I've been here for more than two months is because I didn't want to run into Purgle out there." I plopped the helmet onto my head. I was delighted to find that it was just as lightweight in my head as it was on my hand, and it felt sturdy, too, without hindering my vision much. "I suppose that, since you've been taking this out of my pay, I get to keep it?"

"It'll still cost a little more for that. Maybe another five 'undred dinars."

I shrugged and began inspecting the rest of it. "As far as I'm concerned, we got a deal."

"Yes, very well,” Bludworth cut in, “but how are you going to carry it? It might be lightweight during the match, but walking potentially hundreds of miles with it on is a different story."

I jerked my thumb behind me towards the city proper. "There's a unicorn out there who does extension spells on bags. I can fit all of this in my backpack and it won't affect the weight as much." I snorted and took the helmet off again. "Because magic, I guess.” I never thought an empty bag for cutie mark would be something so awesome. My smile fell and I put the helmet back on the stand with a sigh. "Of course, that's all depending on whether or not I survive tomorrow."

Turgis clicked his tongue and took the helmet back in his hands. "As Ah said before, laddie: if'n ya can't win out there, make 'im regret enterin' the ring wi' ye."

My smirk returned. "That I can do."

* * * *

The next morning arrived far too quickly for my liking, but I got a sleeping potion beforehand, so I was very well rested by the time the match was set to begin. Turgis brought my armor to the fighting arena and helped me strap all of it on. True, it wasn't quite as strong as Purgle's plate, but the light weight meant that I wouldn't be encumbered and losing the speed that I had over him.

I tightened my grip on Reginald with one hand and checked my knife belt with the other. Everything was as set as it could be. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply to calm my nerves while the two of us walked to the arena exit that I might... no, that would be coming out of. Turgis noticed and patted me on the back. "Yer gonna do fine, boy. If ye do get in a position where yer about ta lose, Purgle'll make it quick. If yer down and he draws it out, he's gonna lose a lotta respect."

You may think that was a depressing piece of information, but in my state, it was actually reassuring. "Well," I cracked my neck and started jogging back and forth to get a feel for the armor's weight while I was moving, "that isn't going to happen, is it? I don't know if I have it in me to kill him, but I did not come this far to die for his ego."

I received another slap on the back as Turgis chuckled. "That's the spirit; yer gonna do fine out there, laddie. Just remembered what ye learned, and ye'll be fine."

I gave him a thin smile. "Thanks. Just..." It faded as I looked up to the stands. "Make sure Oswald is taken care of, if... if things don't go so well, okay?"

"Yer bird is gonna be fine," Turgis assured me. "Purge ain't gonna get his hands on it, Ah can promise ye that. If'n ye do die, which ye won't, Ah'll jes' say ye left me the bird. He can't have it then as per Schunie's law, because it wasn't yer property."

I adjusted my helmet. "Thanks. Still, I don't think Oswald would go for being his pet anyway. I don't think that's what phoenixes do."

A loud blast from a horn broke through our conversation, meaning it was time to begin. Turgis gave me a nod and walked away to go take care of Oswald. We had to make sure that he wouldn't fly into the arena: this was strictly one-on-one, and outside interferences wouldn't be tolerated.

With Turgis gone, I began walking through the gate on my side of the arena. I was met with the deafening roar of the crowd gathered inside the stadium: minotaurs, ponies, griffins, diamond dogs, and whatever other species bothered to show up were on the stands, cheering on their feet or hooves, roaring their excitement. Later, I found out they numbered at thirty thousand in all, while at least five thousand more were outside the stadium. There were reporters with non-flash cameras in the audience, too, and I imagine they would be set up for quite a while with the pictures they took.

But that wasn't important to me at the time: what was important was my opponent, Purgle, who was strutting out of his end with a mud-munching grin on his face. His chest was so puffed out I imagine there was strain on his spine from it, over one shoulder was his gigantic battle axe, and in the other was a crossbow almost as large. I had heard from Turgis that crossbows were allowed and considered honorable, but completely relying on it was frowned upon, particularly if it was a killing blow.

I remembered the words to a song my grandfather was particularly fond of that I think applied well right then: "O Lord, you delivered Daniel from the lion’s den, also delivered Jonah from the belly of the whale and then, three Hebrew children from the fiery furnace so The Good Book do declare. Now Lord... if you can't help me... for goodness sakes, don't you dare help him." Sure, it had my own twist on it, but that's life.

The two of us stopped in the middle of the arena, about four feet apart. Purgle noticed me peering down at his crossbow and widened his smug smile. "Do you like it, human? I made it myself. It's twice as large and packs twice the power as the average model." He motioned to his back and, I swear to you, he winked at me. "I have one of those too, actually, just in case."

We were soon joined by another minotaur, who was wearing a sort of shirt on his upper half with the emblem of Schunie on it – a pair of bull horns in front of a balled fist – with a unicorn by his side. The two stopped beside us and Purgle gave them both a curt nod. The minotaur gave signal to the unicorn, who ignited his horn, and a flash of light appeared around the minotaur's throat.

When he spoke, his voice boomed across the whole stadium, but without making all of us in the arena deaf. "Good morning, everyone, and welcome to the six hundred and thirty-seventh Schunie death match!" The crowd erupted into cheers, but the minotaur, who I now recognized as a referee, waved his hand, and they quieted down. "Today's match is between Chieftain Purgle of Clan Banag and TD Harrison Powell of Clan America!"

I have to admit, I almost laughed out loud at the "Clan America" thing, but I wasn't really sure what else to tell when I was asked, so I went with that. It was close enough.

"Now," the ref continued, "before we move on, the two combatants must shake hands as a sign of respect." He motioned to the two of us. "Go ahead, please."

Purgle put down his crossbow and his hand snapped out, that smirk never leaving his face. I took a deep breath and, to the surprise of both the ref and Purgle, folded my arms.

"No."

The entire stadium 'ooooh'ed, and the drone of small talk from before was replaced by an almost palpable silence. I imagined that more than a few jaws were on the floor: Purgle's surely seemed to be going that way.

The referee, was the first one to recover from his shock after a few seconds, moved to clean his ear with his little finger. "Er... I'm sorry, what was that?"

"I said no. I'm not going to shake his hand."

"But it's the proper way to do things!" the referee insisted. "It shows that you respect him even in your fight to the death!"

"And there lies my reason," I replied calmly. "I don't respect a thing about this guy.” I folded my arms again. "In fact, he doesn't respect me in the least either, so it would be essentally useless on both ends. To him, I'm sport: he doesn't respect me any more than he respects a hog he'd kill for dinner." I turned my head back to Purgle, who was still frozen in front of me with his hand extended. "So no, I will not be shaking his hand. If he wants somebody to shake his hand, he'll have to do it himself."

Purgle's shocked expression melted away, being replaced by a growing, controlled fury. He lowered his hand and balled it into a fist. "So be it," he growled as he leaned his head in a few inches closer to my face. "I will enjoy watching you beg for your death, human."

My eyes narrowed as well and I copied his gesture, almost to the point where our noses were touching. "In. Your. Dreams."

Purgle snorted steam at me and turned around. I did the same, moving towards the small table that had been placed on my end of the arena, where weapons could be stored and backup weapons had been provided. Purgle had one of his own in his corner. On my table, there were a pair of throwing axes, a spear just a little shorter than me with a barbed tip – more of a harpoon, really – and a short sword. Now, I hadn't been trained to use any of those, but if push came to shove, I could improvise.

Knowing I was set for the moment, I turned around to see Purgle setting not only his giant crossbow down, and a smaller one like he said he had as well. I sighed, since I knew what a crossbow bolt could do if it hit, and how little attention it paid to armor. If he got a shot in with the larger one, the bolt would most likely not be found in my body. Purgle adjusted his axe in his hands and turned back to face the center of the arena. His smug grin had returned – I think he figured that this one wouldn't be a long, drawn out battle.

Well, I planned to make him wrong about that.

I took a deep breath to calm my nerves and grasped Reginald in my hands. I glanced down to check the throwing knives and looked up just in time to see him jogging my way.

The death match had officially begun.

The roar of the crowd returned as I charged him in response. I knew that these first few seconds were going to be critical, maybe even deciding the outcome of the battle all on their own. At least it would set the tone for the whole thing and give us a hint of just who had the advantage here.

As we neared each other, Purgle raised the axe high up and swung it down where he predicted I'd be. I sidestepped to the right and swung Reginald upwards at his head, connecting with his horn, and he howled in pain, giving me a few precious seconds to adjust my grip on Reginald and sweep at his tiny legs.

He went tumbling to the ground, and that's when I started wailing on him.

Purgle was down and obviously had no training to fight like that, so I was allowed to slam Reginald into him as hard as I wanted at my leisure. Each swing sunk into the joints of his armor, and each thrust practically denting the plate. I'd learned that a Clovevellian staff is even tougher than the average metal alloys smithies use for armor in Schunie, and that was an upper hand I was quick to press. When he tried to roll to the side, I smashed one of his horns again. The blow clearly hurt, as he moved to grasp his head again, but he still had enough presence of mind to push off of the ground, shoving me off as consequence, and roll away from me.

Purgle swung the axe at me from very close with one hand, and I barely dodged the shaft in time to get away without a fractured cranium, though he did leave a long, shallow gash on the back of my armor with the rear tip of the blade. He used those few seconds to jump back up on his hooves, and then he began swinging wildly. The blows to his horns had disoriented him a lot, but his strength or the edge of that axe naturally weren't affected, so I backed off. With each slash, I took a step back; occasionally I tried something like moving to the side or charging between sweeps, but he adjusted to what he saw and swung wider or faster, which prevented my moves.

Unfortunately, I failed to watch where I was going and felt my back hit the wall behind me. Purgle pressed his advantage and swung down at me with all of his might, and I dodged to the left just in time to duck under the swing and avoid being cleaved from my left shoulder to my right hip. A loud thunk filled my ears as his axe buried itself in the wood of the wall.

He realized his error and tried to pull it out, giving me precious seconds to stab Reginald at one of his heels. He grunted in pain, but stayed upright, and did something I should have predicted: he slammed the fist not holding the axe handle into my chest. I was sent off in a low arc, and even with the leather and the padding serving as a cushion for the blunt force, it did hurt a mite. Reginald went flying much farther, though, leaving me without my primary weapon.

Purgle cackled and, before I could recover, he grabbed me by my head and lifted me into the air. To make matters worse, he began slamming his other fist into my gut, repeatedly. The armor took the worst of it, but it still hurt a lot on top of the fact that I couldn't breathe with his palm in my face.

I would lose if I didn't do something soon, I knew it.

In a quick moment of clarity, I remembered what else I had, and reached behind me for my flint knife, thrusting it full force into the center of wrist holding me as soon as my fingers closed around the handle, right where the bones of Purgle's forearm met, and he dropped me with a scream.

I rolled forward to counter the velocity of my drop, and leaped onto his back at the end. He snarled and snorted just like an angry rodeo bull and began slamming me against the back wall, but I was near the back of his head, in a good position to hold firm. If I could do what I was thinking of, it would give me a major advantage. I quickly scanned his armor, and found just what I was looking for: a small opening on the upper back of his breastplate, underneath which were the straps that held it firm against his body.

Bingo.

I slammed the knife into the crack, relishing how good of a job Turgis and I had done when upgrading this, and it slid inside no problem. When I pulled down, it severed the straps, and the armor detached, leaving him with his breastplate hanging awkwardly off of him. Now it was a hindrance that would restrict his movements.

As you might expect, I couldn't hang on forever, something Purgle proved when he grabbed me with his good hand by my arm around his neck and tossed me to the ground... but not before I hooked my other hand's fingers under the back of his helmet: as I went down, the whole thing came off, leaving him without it. I didn't land perfectly well with how I'd been tossed, so while I recovered, he pulled his breastplate off.

I used the little time I had to throw the helmet away from the arena, towards the stands, at a place he couldn't reach to put it back on. Remember when I said there was no interloping allowed? Well, if the helmet was that far, the only way for Purgle to get it back would be if one of the spectators threw it back in the arena, and that counts as interference.

Unarmed, almost naked and with only one good hand, Purgle began running back towards his table. I knew that there was only one thing he could be going for: his crossbows. I couldn't get to him in time before he got to it, and I couldn't throw a knife into his back, all of which left me in a rather unsavory position, so I did like him and ran back over to rearm myself – in my case, that amounted to picking Reginald back from the ground. Just as I did, he picked up his giant crossbow, threw the front of the stock over his injured forearm, pointed it at me and pulled the trigger. I threw myself back first at the ground, and the bolt whizzed over my head. It embedded itself halfway into the wood wall; it would have gone clear through me if it had hit, probably without even a change in its trajectory.

I leapt to my feet, already pulling one of the throwing knives from my belt. Purgle just sat where he was, holding what remained of his trump card: the wood it was made out of couldn't handle all the tension of such a powerful crossbow, and so the string's sheer force snapped the front bow clean off.

I raised my throwing knife just as he recovered, and threw it as hard as I could. I scored a direct hit into his shoulder, but sadly, it was the one on his bad side, where I'd already messed his hand up.

With a howl, Purgle grabbed at the knife, allowing me to run forward with Reginald and thrust it headlong into his stomach. He curled into himself, out of air, and I used the other end to smash his nose in. I felt his upper lip cut on the inside from the blow when it was crushed between the stick and his teeth. But as you know, good things don't usually last, and he caught Reginald in his hand during my backswing and pulled it out of my grasp. I dropped my focus on the staff, though, since I knew using it relied a good deal on a level of agility that Purgle simply didn't have, and pulled a second knife out.

At that moment I didn't care if I was being outright lethal about it. It was Purgle or me: either I died on that stinking arena, or he did, and I was definitely not going to be vulture food, trophy room decoration or grave filler. That was the only thought in my head as I gripped the knife, jammed into the side of his stomach with all the force I had, and pulled it towards the center. Had it been a creature with softer skin, I'm sure I would have disemboweled him, but alas, that's not what happened: the blade just wiggled inside the puncture. Minotaur skin is tough, and I mean tough when I say it.

It wasn't enough to keep Purgle off guard, though: I felt an elbow hit me in the back and a hoof kick me forwards. The impacts sent me reeling, dazed, and I only recovered in time to see him pointing the smaller crossbow at me.

He fired.

Pain shot through my body, right on my stomach in particular, and the force of the bolt knocked me on my side. Turgis' craftsmanship showed in that most of the bolt's energy was dispersed through the padding, but as it was, the bolt had lodged itself almost all the way into my gut. if I hadn't been wearing armor, that would've been my end, easily. Even then, I almost found myself keeling over. It freaking hurt, a lot more than the time I had been stabbed by that Diamond Dog, Watt. That rat hadn't smashed through two of my ribs when he stabbed me.

At the very least I could breathe – Purgle hadn't hit my lung. That would have been an instant incapacitation for sure.

Gathering the last of my strength, I pushed myself to my feet and grabbed another knife. Purgle was clutching at his own wounds, giving me time to throw the knife at him with my right hand. It connected just under his collarbone, but my weakened state meant that it didn't go in as far.

It didn't matter.

I pulled another knife and threw it. It grazed his arm. Another knife missed entirely. I reached behind me for my final knife and, as hard as my wounded body would allow, I threw it vertically. That one did the trick: instead of being stopped by Purgle's ribs, it sailed between them. I don't know what I hit, but he fell to the ground all the same, and that was enough.

I groaned in agony and, shuffling like the living dead, moved to pick up Reginald, then turned around to walk back to the tunnel I had come out of. Even if Purgle was still able to move, my own pain and blood loss meant that I was done acting out. My only hope would be to outlast him, wait for him to fall unconscious first.

I'd nearly reached the entrance when I felt another sudden, sharp pain shoot through my back, and I toppled forwards. I was vaguely aware of the audience gasping.

"… shot him in the back!"

"… low blow..."

"… no honor... chieftain anymore..."

The chatter came in and out, and most of the time I couldn't hear them right. Not that I was focusing on it: my concern was something else entirely. "Don't... don't fall asleep, TD," I muttered weakly to myself. "S-stay... awake..."

* * * *

To my surprise, my eyes fluttered open. I felt that my armor was off, and I was lying in a comfortable, warm bed, and when I tried to shift my body, pain shot through me, so I wisely decided not to move.

I heard a snort beside me. "Ah, the fearsome warrior has awoken."

I glance to my side to see a smirking Bludworth sitting next to my bed, straddling a chair with his arms crossed over its back. I cracked him a weak smile. "So fearsome, he's completely unable to move a finger. I'm surprised I'm alive at all."

"I understand. It was pretty touch and go for a while. Another minute and you would have bled out." He motioned beside me. "That's quite the bird you've got there. He's weepy, but he's something else."

Something squawked happily and nuzzled the side of my head. I turned to see Oswald perched on my bed post. I chuckled and scratched his head feathers. "How are you doing, buddy?"

He chirruped.

"Boy am I glad I found you." I try to sit up, but more pain comes with that. "Geez, you'd think that the pain would be gone with his tears," I say through clenched teeth.

"Phoenix tears only do so much, it seems. They stopped the bleeding and mended your ribs, but getting the quarrels out needed surgery." He held up his hand, revealing the two crossbow bolts that almost killed me.

I gingerly took them in my own. "It's odd, holding something that just about killed me... even if it's not the first time." My gaze flickered over to Bludworth. "Speaking of that... Purgle?"

He shut up completely, a subtle action that said all I needed to know. I nodded and handed the bolts back over to him, and he put them in my backpack's front pocket.

"When can I get out of here?" I asked.

"From what the doctors tell me, you're going to be up and about in three days. You should be all fine then.” He zipped the pocket shut and turned back my way. “Your hospital bills have been taken completely out of your bank account, as have the cost of the repairs to your armor, its purchase price and that of the throwing knives as well." He smirked at me. "You only have about sixty dinars left."

"I'll just exchange them for some gryphs when I get out of here." I took a deep breath and leaned back against my pillow.

~~~~

I put my backpack on the table and open one of the flaps, reach inside and pull out the two bolts. "These are them. Not the most pleasant experience, I tell ya."

Twilight ignites her horn and levitates the two items over to her. She stares blankly at them, as do the other ponies around her. "Wow," she whispers. "The way they're barbed at the end..."

I snort. "Especially made to cause even more damage when pulled out. Imagine what it's like to be shot by two of those."

Twilight turns a little green at the prospect, hurrying to give them back to me. "I'll pass..."

I chuckle, but my gaze lands on Applejack, who is frowning with her forelegs crossed. "Ah don't get somethin'. If this Purgle feller was all 'bout honor and that kinda stuff, why would he shoot ya in the back like that, 'specially when he knew it'd hurt his clan?"

I sigh and shrug. "If I had to guess it's because he knew that he had already lost. If he was going down, he was taking me with him. In terms of his clan, well, he most likely didn't care. He was going out and wouldn't deal with the fallout of killing me like that." I shrug again. "That's the best I can figure, anyway."

~~~~

As per the doctor's guesses, I was out of bed in three days, completely rested, healed and ready to go. I decided to wear my chain-mail shirt underneath my regular clothes, just as an added level of protection: it wasn't too heavy and I didn't know what I'd be dealing with, so it was good to have it on.

Bludworth walked me to the gates of Schunie after I was ready to go and had exchanged my money for gryphs, cash that the griffins would take once I got there. Turgis would have tagged along, but he said 'Ah ain't shuttin' down fer a half-hour ta deal wi' some dumb goodbye speech.'

Fair enough, I guess.

When we reached the front gates, we stopped and turned to each other. "Well, I guess this is goodbye." I extended my hand and Bludworth shook it. "Thanks. I couldn't have made it without your help."

Bludworth smiled lightly at me. "You be careful out there. Don't get some griffin hunting party to go after you for the same reason Purgle did."

I went stiff at Purgle's name, and my jaw tightened. Bludworth must have noticed, because his face fell too and he looked away uncomfortably. "Just take care of yourself, okay?"

"I didn't come this far to die now."

With one final two fingered salute, I adjusted my grip on Reginald and walked out of the city.

Author's Note

Three or four years later, I think that we have come a long way from the weak, pushover college student. I know this chapter was more violent, but come on: death match with a minotaur. It's not going to be pleasant.

Of All the Dumb Luck...

"So... you killed him."

My gaze flickered up to Fluttershy and I waved my hand. "I've honestly said all that I'm comfortable saying about what happened between me and Purgle. It's not a high point of my trip, and if I could have avoided the death match between us, I would have." A grimace crossed my face. "I'd rather move on."

Twilight gives a slight nod. "Yeah, I guess I can see why you wouldn’t want to talk about it." She glances down at her notes and surreptitiously crosses off a few sentences. "Anyway, what happened next?"

"Well like I said, I went to the griffins next. I can say right now that their reception of me was warmer..." My grimace doubled. "In fact... it eventually got a little too good for me."

~~~

The walk from the minotaur lands to Griffonia was pretty barren, honestly. Not only were the lands around me grasslands and all that, but there was just the added fact that most minotaurs were still in Schunie. Sure, some had left after the match, but I'm going to guess that Schunie saw quite the rise in business in the few days after the match, on top of what would undoubtedly be a media circus.

Well, I didn't really care about all of that. I'm just glad that I was able to get out before things got crazy and they all wanted to interview me. I'd rather not re-live what I went through in the arena. I wanted to put that part behind me and focus on getting to the griffins.

Well, to my total surprise and joy, the lands of Griffonia are bordered by a rather nice forest. The Strong Beak Forest if I recall right. Forests mean vegetation, meat, and most importantly, water. Sure enough, we didn’t go a mile in before we reached a nice stream, allowing me to fill up my water bottles and drink as much as I wanted. Around sundown Oswald caught us some rabbits, which we were both rather pleased to eat.

I'm sorry Fluttershy, I'm not going to apologize for eating something that might have been Angel's cousin.

Anyway, the forest turned out to be quite large. It was about a week before I began wondering if we weren't going around in circles. The forest did kind of look all the same, and there wasn't really a visible end in sight. I did have Oswald fly up to see a way out, and that did help us a lot, but the few times I climbed a tree to see what we were going into showed quite the extensive forest. We may not have been going in circles, but it would be quite some time before we made it to civilization.

It was over a month, to be exact. I had found out during my pre-trip research that the forest on the southern border of Griffonia is the largest one on the entire planet, but there is a huge difference between reading about that and walking through the darned thing. I'm just glad that it was such a lush place or I would never have made it through. In fact, it was so lush that I think that if I was forced to live there I could stay there quite comfortably for some time. There weren't really any predators that would have been a danger to me as most of them were birds that preyed on the rodents in the area.

Of course, that was before I reached the darker section of the forest.

The setup was much like I remembered of the Everfree Forest. The treetops were so thick that hardly any sunlight filtered through at all; just enough that I could make out what direction I was headed in. The plus side was that Oswald was able to light the way by lighting large tree branches that I used as makeshift torches. I had to spend several days like that. Occasionally I did have to fight off some more dangerous creatures, namely timberwolves. They never came in packs larger than three, but I couldn't go more than a day or two before I ran into them again. They would certainly have been an issue if I didn't have a fire bird with me. That made it much safer.

Of course, stories of me walking around in a dark forest really aren't that interesting, especially since it was just mostly walking around. It was about a month and a half after I left Schunie before something really interesting happened; something that would completely dictate what my time in Griffonia was like.

On the forty-sixth day of my travels in the forest, the light coming through the trees was becoming brighter, which signaled to me that maybe, just maybe, I could finally be out of this wretched forest and back to civilization.

That's when I saw them.

Griffins. Four of them lying on the ground in pools of their own blood. My eyes widened and I bolted over to them, Oswald flying in my wake. I slid to a stop just as I reached them and knelt down next to the bodies. There was no mistaking it. They were dead.

Not exactly the high point to start off my trip to Griffonia, is it?"

They weren't dressed ornately or with much armor, so I deduced that they weren't soldiers of any kind. There were, however, some weapons lying beside them. I picked up what appeared to be a wing blade and tapped it. My year or so as a blacksmith's apprentice taught me that these blades were absolutely terrible. I could probably snap them in half with one swing from Reginald.

I sighed and tossed the blade onto the ground. I reached out to examine the body of the female griffin in front of me. There were several large gash marks across her chest and legs that could only have come from timberwolves or some other manner of large predatory creature. I grimaced and wiped my hands on the grass. If I had to guess, it was some kind of hunting party based on the weapons they had on them. Pity that it went so wrong.

I stood up and shook my head; there was nothing that I could really do for them now. I was just about to head out to find a town so I could tell them about what happened when I heard something behind me: a slight cough. I perked up and turned around to see the griffin I had examined weakly moving around, blood trickling out of her mouth. My eyes widened and I ran back to the griffin. She was still alive.

I knelt in front of her again and put my backpack down beside me. I reached into the pocket that held my phoenix tears and took out the bottle. It was half full, but it would be enough. I unscrewed the cap and began drizzling the tears onto the gashes. Instantly the bloody wounds healed and had the look of scars that were weeks old, as opposed to hours. Thankfully, as the wounds began healing, the griffin's breathing became far less shallow, and she visibly relaxed. She cracked an eye open to look at me, and a look of confusion crossed her face. She weakly placed a claw in my chest and tried to push me back, but she had lost so much blood that even with the healed scars, she was pretty weak.

I stood up and quickly checked on the other griffins. My original diagnosis for them was correct. They were most certainly dead. I shook my head before turning back to the wounded griffin. Her eyes had closed again, so I figured that she had fallen asleep or passed out. I sighed and walked over to her.

"I can't just let her die out here, Oswald," I muttered. Oswald cocked his head and hopped over to the two of us. "Who knows when I'll find a town again? A town or city can't be too far away, right?" I groaned and rubbed my temples. Confound my pesky morals and ethics. With nothing else to do, I put my hands under the griffin and lifted her onto my shoulders. I stumbled slightly as her weight threw me off a bit, but eventually I got my balance and began walking in the direction I had been going in.

Several times over the course of the day I had to stop and rest for half hour breaks. I sorely wished for the opportunity to have somebody rub my shoulders to ease a lot of the tension out of them that came from lugging a passed out griffin on my shoulders. Oswald's claws don't really lend themselves to relaxing massages.

Eventually, I'd pick up my passenger and continue my trek towards life. Given that she was unconscious, she didn't give me too much trouble.

Finally, my efforts paid off. Finally I looked into the distance and I saw the smoke that could only have come from one thing: civilization.

I took a deep breath and adjusted the griffin on my back. "Just gotta keep breathing. That's the way I'm gonna save you and get you out of this stinking forest." The griffin only groaned in response, and I put one heavy foot in front of the other as I moved towards the smoke. "Why did you have to go so far into the forest and get your tail handed to you by timberwolves? You're lucky I'm nice like this."

Oswald flew up above the trees for a few seconds and looked to where we were going. Soon he flew back down and nodded at me. I nodded back and kept walking. It was another hour before we reached the edge of the forest. In the distance I could see buildings. Wonderful, sweet, amazing buildings full of griffins that could help me with the griffin I had saved. The buildings themselves seemed a little sturdier than the homes in Ponyville, but they had roughly the same kind of look to them. There was a cursory wall around the town, but it was far smaller than the one around Schunie. Where that one was designed to keep out invading armies, this one looked more like it would stop timberwolf attacks.

As I approached the city, I saw armed patrols going around the walls. I figured that I would be spotted as soon as I came within their sight, and they could help me out with my charge. Sure enough, I saw one griffin guard look out at me and lean forward as if he did a double take. He flew over to another guard and pointed me out to him. The other guard had roughly the same reaction as his fellow did.

The second guard took to the air and flew into the city. Within a minute or so I heard the piercing cry of a bell, signalling to all of the residents that something was up. I continue walking towards the city, despite a tiny voice in the back of my mind that said that maybe, just maybe, they would see me as hostile. Hopefully the fact that I saved the lives of one of their species would be enough to assuage their worries.

Well it wasn't more than a few minutes before the sky was filled with probably two dozen griffins, all armed with wing blades and polearms of some kind. They weren't as heavily armored as Purgle, it would restrict flight after all, but if they attacked they would be at a slight advantage since I wasn't wearing mine.

The flock of griffins zoomed towards me, their weapons extended. Oswald squawked, but I motioned for him to stay close to me. I didn't fancy him taking them on, even though he was pretty helpful in battle. The griffins didn't outright attack me anyway. They just surrounded me with their weapons extended. A griffin who was a little more ornately decorated than the rest of them stepped forward, his wings extended and a glare on his face.

"What business do you have here, strange creature?"

I grunted and motioned my head to the griffin on my back. "I came to your lands to talk to your leaders. I found her in the forest. She was surrounded by three others who were dead, but I saved her life."

The griffin leader took a step forwards and his face twisted into a snarl. "Put. Her. Down."

My eyes narrowed suspiciously, but I slowly knelt down low to the ground and slid the griffin off of my back. Instantly two guards ran forward and scooped up the injured griffin. Them and two more guards flew back to the town, leaving me to deal with what appeared to be eight or so suspiciously hostile griffins pointing weapons at me. I slowly reached behind me and slid Reginald out of the strap securing him to my backpack.

The griffin leader extended a wing blade towards me at the sight of me drawing a weapon, and I motioned for Oswald to land on my shoulder. "Look, I don't want to be in your land for long. I just want to talk to whoever your leaders are."

"I don't think that can be arranged," said the griffin. "Our Emperor does not see strange creatures that appear out of the woods carrying one of our wounded on his back and telling tales of others he killed."

I raised my eyebrow and leaned on Reginald. "Killed? I saved the fourth one. If I killed the other three then I'd have killed her too."

"Be that as it may, your species is still in doubt. How do we know you are not dangerous?"

I rolled my eyes. "Okay, let me do this yet again. I'm a creature called a human. I was transported from an alternate dimension when Princess Celestia pulled me through a portal she had created. She realized that she couldn't send me back and so I've been wandering around the planet hoping to find somebody powerful enough to get me back to my land."

Now, there were many possible reactions that I had expected from them when I told them where I was from and what I was doing: disbelief, sarcasm, incredulity, interest, and so on.

Uproarious laughter was not one of them.

Seriously, these guys were laughing so hard that they could hardly breathe. Even the leader had a giant smirk on his face and was staring at me almost condescendingly. I imagine that he thought I was joking.

"You seriously can't believe that we'd fall for such nonsense, would you?"

A small smirk appeared on my own face. "Okay, Mr. Know-It-All, what is my species and where am I from?"

That got them to quiet down and, to my immense satisfaction, the leader's smile fell. It was quickly replaced with a scowl. "I assume that your species name is correct, but that nonsense about alternate realities and whatnot seems absolutely ridiculous!"

"Oh yeah?" Oswald and I shared a glance. "What reason exactly would I have to lie?"

The leader grunted and tapped his claw on the ground. "I don't know. I just know that it sounds absolutely ridiculous. Maybe you're sick in the head or something?"

"Oh please, don't be ridiculous," I said. "What reason would I have to lie? It wouldn't benefit me in any way at all!"

"I see." The leader's gaze shifted between his soldiers who had gotten back to the job of pointing their weapons at me. "Well, even if you are telling the truth, I do not see why we should allow you entry into our lands. If you saved our citizen, then we have cause to let you leave without incident. Otherwise we'd resort to force. So..." The leader motioned to the forest with his claw. "Go away."

I snorted and shook my head. "Sorry, no can do. I just spent a month or so in that forest. I'm not going back in there, and you wouldn't either in my position."

"Then it seems we have no choice." The leader motioned to his soldiers.

I got into a fighting stance with Reginald and stayed perfectly still for a moment. I heard two of them coming up from behind me, so I did what I had to do. I slapped Oswald on the back, startling him enough that he let out another burst of his more harmless fire. As I had hoped, it immediately engulfed me, and I spun around to swing Reginald at my two attackers. Both of them had flinched back at the sight of their now flaming opponent, allowing me time to smash Reginald into both of their heads. They both fell to the ground, clutching at their wounds.

I spun back around and saw that the remaining six were all charging me at the same time, though most had some apprehension. I was on fire, after all. With the speed I had picked up, I swung Reginald down at the nearest soldier, knocking him out. That gave the other five even more cause for hesitation, allowing me to go completely on the offensive. I motioned for Oswald to provide a distraction to half of them, while I made short work of two others. The other two followed, leaving me completely alone with the leader.

"You done throwing soldiers at me, or do we get to keep going?"

The flames around me had died down by this point, allowing him to see that I was unaffected by the fire. The leader gulped and took a tentative step back. "W-what are you?!"

I took a deep breath and facepalmed. "Once again, I'm a human. I just want to talk to your emperor or whoever, okay?"

The leader's mouth flopped up and down as his brain tried to formulate a response to what he had just seen. I relaxed my fighting stance and took a step towards him. "Oh take your time to formulate a response. I've only been on this planet for a few years, I think. What's a few more minutes while your brain reboots?"

Before either of us could do anything more, the warning bell rang throughout the town again. I glanced back behind the leader just in time to see dozens more griffins flying out of the city. To my surprise, these griffins weren't the lightly armed ones that I had just taken care of. No, these were decked out in light plate armor and carrying some more varied weapons. Poleaxes, small swords, crossbows, that kind of thing. These were something different.

I got back in a fighting stance but it was a useless gesture as I was once again surrounded. Only this time I couldn't fight my way out because of their ranged soldiers.

A commander in red armor with some sort of seal on the front showing a griffin carrying a crossbow landed in front of me and nudged the other leader out of the way. He laid down his weapon and took off his helmet, transferring it under his wing.

"My name is Yerkes; second commander of the sixths royal battalion of our capital city of Iselin. I have been instructed to take you into temporary custody."

"I don't think so," I growled. "Yeah I knocked out the bozos behind me, but I was defending myself."

"He lit himself on fire," the leader of the old group whispered. "It didn't even burn him!"

"Not all phoenix fire causes harm, particularly to those that the phoenix has formed a close bond with," Yerkes snapped. "He was just scaring you." Yerkes turned his head back to me. "I don't need to tell you that we have the tactical advantage here. Taking out a few security volunteers was a neat trick, but it you value your life you'll come with us. You will not be harmed, I swear. I have no doubt that you are skilled, but be reasonable here."

"You'd better believe I'm no pushover," I snarked. "I won a Schunie death match against a clan chieftain a month or so ago."

Despite himself, Yerkes looked quite impressed with my claim. A small smirk crossed his face. "I heard tell that a minotaur chieftain fought against a previously unknown creature." He scoffed lightly and tapped his beak. "I take it that was you?"

I nodded. "That was me alright." I motioned to my backpack and he gave a single nod. I set it down and reached into a pocket to produce the two crossbow bolts. I held them up and Yerkes peered at them for a moment before giving another single nod.

"Those are minotaur made alright. You have quite the tale there. Probably true." He motioned for his soldiers to stand down, and they relaxed. "I'd as soon attack Iselin than kill a good fighter in conditions like this. Still, my orders are to take you into custody. You and your phoenix will not be harmed."

I scowled, but realized that I was in no position to barter unless I wanted to go through the forest again. Yerkes beckoned me on and I reluctantly followed him. I stayed just behind him, but close enough that we could converse.

"One thing I don't get, though. Why exactly were your orders to take me alive from the start? Not that I'm unappreciative, but it's a little odd to me."

Yerkes let out a small chuckle as we reached the edge of the town. "You know that griffin you saved? She went missing a few days ago and we suspected that she snuck out to go hunting with a few of her more foolish friends."

"Why send an entire platoon after her?"

Yerkes sighed and turned his head back to me. "She's the crown princess of all of Griffonia."

Author's Note

I figured you guys might enjoy updates every few days or so instead of monthly.

Uh, No Thank You

I hate to leave them on a cliffhanger, but Celestia rightly points out that some food would be prudent for all of us. My voice is growing tired anyway, so I'm glad for the reprieve. Celestia orders some food for us and we all sit around the table, enjoying each other's company and the food. I decide that it would be best if they talked for a bit, so I ask to hear the CMC's cutie mark stories. Seems Apple Bloom got her apple and hammer cutie mark after almost single hoofedly repairing major sections of the Apple's barn when Applejack and Big Mac were in Appleloosa about a year after I left. Scoots got her wheel with fire coming out the back cutie mark after Spitfire of all ponies came to town as Scoots was buzzing through and complimented her on it. Scootaloo did a few moves for her and... well, cutie mark. A few weeks later, Sweetie Belle performed for her sister's first Canterlot fashion show. Afterwards she found a black eighth note over a pink bell for a cutie mark.

I finish my crystal corn soup and lean against the table with a smile on my face as the last Crusader finished her story. "You know, I have to admit... I'm proud of you guys." The Crusaders exchange small smiles with me. "It almost makes me regret leaving a little bit. I know I wasn't exactly a fan of the show or my situation when I got here, but I have to say that I missed you." My smile flickered ever so slightly. "I kinda wish I'd been here for that."

Rainbow Dash snorts and pushes her soup bowl away. "Jeez, TD. When did you get all sentimental?"

"Hard to say," I say with a roll of my eyes. Oswald lands beside me, the remnants of a carrot dangling from his beak. He slurps up the rest of it and chirrups to me. I scratch his head feathers and he nuzzles up to my hand. "I think that my travels across the world might have done that to me. It put a lot of things in perspective, and I began to realize how much I missed you. Plus, you girls tried so hard to get your marks, and now you have them. That's gotta feel nice."

"Sure does, TD," says Apple Bloom. The other two nod in agreement just as the rest of the party came in. They took their usual seats and I pat my now full stomach.

"Just so you know, Spike and Luna should be joining us soon," says Celestia. "Luna had some business to finish up in Canterlot, and Twilight suggested that Spike accompany her."

"It was only going to be for a day anyway," says Twilight with a wave of her hoof. "He was happy to do it."

I frown and rest my head in my hand. "Speaking of that, when exactly did you guys get here? The fair is still a few days away."

"Honestly, only about four or five hours before you," says Twilight. "We were literally taking a walk around the Empire to stretch our legs after the trip when we bumped into you doing..." Twilight grimaced. "... what you were doing."

I shrug, but Oswald and I exchange a smirk. I had told him what I had done during the break. It seemed time to get back to the story now, though. I ask my listeners and they seem to agree.

"Okay, where was I?"

"The griffin you saved was the crown princess of Griffonia," says Rarity.

"Oh right." I snort and shake my head. "You would not believe the kinds of trouble that got me into."

~~~~

So there I was, being escorted by an entire platoon of Griffonian heavy guards to who knows where. After the little tidbit that Yerkes had shared with me, I was pretty silent as I contemplated the, hopefully positive, ramifications of rescuing a nation's ruler. The griffins insisted that Oswald never be more than two feet away from me at all times, and I doubt they'd appreciate the fire trick again. Oswald stayed close as per their instructions, but occasionally he saw a rabbit or something and I had to pull him back.

We walked straight through the town; not even bothering to stop for anything. Yeah, there were a bunch of griffins around and most of them knew that I was the being that had beaten a bunch of them pretty much single handedly while on fire. They kept their distance, but I could feel their stares on me and I heard the hushed whispers. I did my best to ignore them though. I had had enough of that kind of thing by that point. Heck, I had gone past the point where it bothered me back in Ponyville.

Well, it turned out that our destination was a train station. It didn't exactly look like the Friendship Express, though. It was a dull gray color, with no decorative markings to speak of. Its design was sleeker, and it was powered by steam if the steam billowing out of the top was any indication. I pointed at the train. "That what you came in on?"

Yerkes nodded. "Yes. It's your standard troop carrier. Flying fifty miles with all of our gear isn't exactly optimal. This might be a more expensive way to travel, but it's more efficient." Some worker griffins opened the doors of the train and the griffin knights began filing on. Five of them stayed around me, Yerkes included. "I'm afraid that I'm going to have to ask you to surrender your weapons and armor. The bird too."

I glared at him and subtly put one foot backwards in a fighting stance. "I'd like to see you try to take them."

Yerkes rolled his eyes and extended one of his claws. "Don't be ridiculous. You're surrounded by a fighting force far more formidable than a few peasants with sub-par weapons. If I wanted I could have you on the ground in seconds, and that's ignoring the fact that I have dozens of soldiers that could take you out if need be."

"Why do you need my weapons?" I looked over at Oswald. "Why do you need my phoenix?"

"You are to be granted an audience with Emperor Aepnet the Great for saving Princess Kathyrine. It would be a dereliction of our duty if we allowed you before him armed as you are." Yerkes smirked and gave an amused snort. "And if I may say so, it does not help your case that you are so proficient with them."

"I take it that's intended as a complement?" Yerkes tilted his head. "Right." I moved my foot back to a more relaxed stance. "I'll get them back, right?"

"Of course." Yerkes extended his claw further. "I'm pleased you are doing this the easy way."

"You'd better be," I snarked as I took off my knife belt. "I do happen to have a habit for punching monarchs."

"Oh?" Yerkes handed my knife belt to the closest knight. "What makes you say that?"

"I punched Celestia in the face when I got here then again a few months later," I said nonchalantly. I handed the guard with my knives my backpack, then crossed my arms. "I just have my staff, the chainmail, and Oswald. I fail to see why I need to relinquish any of them." My eyes narrowed and I tapped Reginald on the ground. "It's not like I'm dumb enough to try to attack your emperor when he has a ton of protection. I don't have any reason to anyway."

"I am under orders to take it all," said Yerkes with a hint of sharpness in his voice. "Either you give us your staff, armor, and bird or we take it by force." Yerkes' own eyes narrowed. "This is not a negotiation."

Oswald hissed and landed on top of my head, spreading his flaming wings. "Oswald doesn't want to go into your custody," I replied. "I can't make him if he doesn't want to go."

"We will use force if we need to. The Emperor has requested to see you, and you will comply with our demands." Yerkes signaled to his men. "Don't get off on the wrong paw with us."

I cracked my neck and tapped Reginald on the ground. There was no way that I was going into a completely alien situation one hundred percent unarmed and unprotected. That kind of thing hadn't really helped me out in the past, and I was sick of being at the mercy of some other race.

But they didn't quite see it that way. I denied their request for my arms and armor one final time, and Yerkes got the idea that I wasn't going to give in. He probably would have just told me to get out of Griffonia if he wasn't under orders to take me to the emperor. With one more claw motion, I heard the griffins behind me move to subdue me. I whirled around, Reginald at the ready. But they weren't quite willing to engage me in hand-to-claw combat. One of the soldiers behind me just happened to have a blowgun that he was certainly not shy about using.

* * * *

I awoke an undetermined amount of time later in a jail cell. Reginald was gone, Oswald was who knew where, and my armor had been stripped off of me. I growled to myself and stood up, peering through the bars in an attempt to gauge my surroundings.

"Hello? I'm awake now. You can start chewing me out after you give me back my weapons and armor." Silence was my only reply, but if anybody was listening I was going to continue to be snarky. "You're all pretty brave: beating a guy hopelessly outnumbered with ranged weapons. What's next: you dump Oswald's ashes in front of me?"

I heard a door open a few feet away from me, and Yerkes walked in flanked by two of his soldiers. To my annoyance, he looked vaguely amused when he stopped in front of my cell.

"You have spirit, I'll give you that. Most beings would have given up and surrendered without a fight."

"If I was in the habit of doing that my head would adorn a minotaur's wall," I grumbled. I leaned against the bars and glared at him. "I've gone through too much crap to willingly put myself in a situation where I'm at the mercy of some race that I've never had contact with before."

"I'll concede the point." Yerkes reached to his belt and pulled out a set of keys. "Emperor Aepnet is ready to see you now. He has your bird. Princess Kathyrine is there too, so you'd better be on your best behavior."

"From a jail cell to an meeting with the Emperor?" I snorted. "Why, what has a poor soul like me done to deserve such good fortune?"

Yerkes glared at me, but didn't respond. He unlocked my cell, allowing me to step out. His guards fluttered their wings, revealing razor sharp wing blades. The message was clear, but I rolled my eyes at them. As if I would ever be so dumb as to do something like that. Seriously, was I going to try to escape without Oswald, my armor and Reginald?

Sheesh.

I followed Yerkes out of the dungeon and through the castle itself. There were precious few griffins in the halls, but those that did see me all gasped at me in wide-eyed wonder and fear. Just like when I first came to Ponyville, everything ground to a halt just because I walked through somewhere.

The castle itself reminded me of the one in Canterlot. It was pretty ornately decorated with complex tapestries, gold and silk everywhere, and soft carpets. Most of the griffins we saw were maids and servants, so everything we came across was immaculate.

It took about five minutes to get from the dungeon to the throne room, but when we reached the gold door that could have only led to one place, Yerkes held out a claw. "I'm warning you. Be on your best behavior. Emperor Aepnet is grateful to you, but if you give him backtalk he will be less than pleased. He is already unhappy of the method we had to use to get you here."

"I'm not that dumb," I growled. I scoffed and motioned all around me. "Seriously, what exactly can I do around here?"

"It's just a warning." Yerkes lowered his claw and pushed the doors to the throne room open. We were greeted with a set of trumpets announcing our arrival, as well as the sight of a spacious room surrounded by stained glass windows depicting what I can only assume was awesome moments in griffin history. There weren't many griffins in the throne room itself. Mostly stoic guards and a gaggle of curious nobles. Of course, at the far end of the throne room was the emperor himself sitting on a solid gold and jewel encrusted throne. On a less flashy, but still very impressive, throne was the griffin that I had saved. She still bore a few noticeable bruises and scars, but she certainly seemed a lot better than she was when I found her in the forest. To complete the picture, Oswald was perched on the back of the emperor's throne, looking no worse for wear.

Once the fanfare died down, the room was deathly silent, save for the sounds of claw and footsteps on the marble floor. I stared directly at the emperor who returned it. He frowned slightly and leaned his head against one of his claws, tapping his beak with a talon. When we were about halfway to the throne, the emperor stepped off of his throne. Kathyrine stepped off a second afterwards, following a few steps behind him. Oswald squawked happily as I got nearer, and he took off to land on my shoulder. A few guards readied their weapons once my phoenix took flight, but the emperor waved them off.

The two parties met about ten paces away from the throne, and the emperor and I stared at each other for a moment. He was just a few inches shorter than I was, but he easily beat me in girth. His wingspan was likely quite impressive. I'm not very good at telling this kind of thing with griffins, but if he were human I'd imagine that he'd be in his mid-to-late fifties. Some of his feathers were starting to gray at the edges.

As I wasn't sure of what to do, I let him make the first move. He didn't keep me waiting for long.

"So. You are the creature that saved my daughter."

His voice was kind of pompous, and had a slight noble British accent to it.

Er, that's a country where I come from. I'll tell you about it later Twilight.

So I'm standing in front of the most powerful griffin in the world, and I just saved his daughter from certain death. I tilt my head in a nod when he states it. "Yeah. I found her in the woods. Healed her with phoenix tears."

Aepnet pointed at Oswald. "His, I presume?"

I nodded. "Yeah. His."

"I see. Hmm..." He tapped his beak with his talon again. "This is most irregular. What species are you?"

I gave an amused scoff. Honestly it's hard to do anything else when you've been asked that question so often. "I'm a human. I'm from an alternate dimension. I was brought here on accident by Princess Celestia when she was performing powerful magic."

That got a murmur going through the crowd. The gathered nobles leaned in next to each other and began whispering various mutterings that I couldn't really make out. It was likely the same stuff I'd been hearing before anyway. Besides, it was Emperor Aepnet's thoughts that I was the most interested in. His expression was neutral, but I could see cogs working in his head as he processed the new information. I chanced a glance back at Kathyrine who surprisingly seemed rather bored my the whole thing. When she saw me looking at her she quietly scoffed and rolled her eyes.

The emperor took a breath and lightly shook his head. "Remarkable. Simply remarkable." He chuckled and clapped me on the shoulder. His eyes filled with mirth, and his beak spread into a wide smile. "One might call it fate, almost!"

"Here we go again," Kathyrine grumbled with another eye roll.

"Image it: my daughter saved by a being from another world!" Aepnet laughed heartily. "It's as if you were sent to us to bring my daughter back to me, human!"

"Uh..." I gave Oswald an uneasy glance, but he just cocked his head at me. "I guess if you want to look at it that way you can, but--"

"This is simply delightful," Aepnet squeed. "My daughter and a savior from another world. What a being for an heir!"

"I mean, I was just here for..." My words died in my throat when what he said registered with me. "H... heir?"

"Indeed, my boy!" Aepnet seized my hand in one of his claws and began vigorously shaking it. "I thank you for bringing my daughter back to me! She's my only cub, you know!"

"I'm not a cub anymore, dad!" Kathyrine snapped. She groaned and fixed me in her gaze. "I mean seriously, I guess he's strong and all, but he doesn't even have that much fur, much less feathers!"

"No, I don't..." I tried to pull my hand out of the emperor's grasp. "Go back to the part about me being your 'heir' again!"

"Oh that's right, you aren't quite accustomed with our laws, I imagine." Aepnet sighed dreamily and smiled fondly at me. "It is the law of our land that should a princess be in mortal peril where her life is on the line, anyone who saves her shall be granted her claw in marriage!"

My eyes widened and a squeak escaped my lips. "M-marriage?!"

"I don't want to marry him, dad!"

Aepnet giggled in a way that reminded me of a foal at Hearths Warming Eve and spread his arms. "Come here, New Son!"

To my complete horror, Aepnet threw his arms around me and wrapped me in a bone crushing hug. Katheyrine facepalmed, the nobles began applauding, and Oswald was regarding the whole scene with a curious expression.

And me? Well, let's just say that I kind of wanted to go back to the place where minotaur chieftains were trying to kill me.

Author's Note

TD the alicorn princess in one story, TD the griffin prince in another. He's powerful royalty in two universes now and being TD, he hates it equally.

Why Me?

Needless to say, I could only stand there in shock as the gathered griffin nobles applauded me about my upcoming wedding. Aepnet was saying something about how happy he was, and Kathyrine was giving me a rather impressive death glare. I almost didn't notice when I was led by Aepnet and Yerkes to an antechamber to discuss further details. Aepnet was still beaming at me as Yerkes closed the door behind us.

"This may be the single happiest day of my life!" He threw a foreleg around his daughter's shoulders. "Well, except for the moment of your birth, of course."

"And this may be the most depressing day of mine," Kathyrine snarked. She turned her glare to her father. "Well, except for the moment of my birth, of course."

Aepnet chuckled and patted his daughter on the head. "Now, now, Kathyrine. Let's not be sarcastic in front of your future husband. It's quite rude, and I don't think that the future Emperor of Griffonia appreciates sarcasm."

That snapped me out of my stupor.

"I... I'm sorry, the what now?"

"Well you're going to be the crown prince of all of Griffonia upon marrying my daughter." Aepnet moved over to me and nudged me with his elbow. "When I tragically pass on, you shall be the next Emperor by virtue of being my heir."

I sighed and double facepalmed. "I don't... well, I know that this is a stupid question before I ask it, but..." I removed my hands from my face and looked down at the emperor. "Is it okay if I decline?"

Aepnet's smile faded and he turned to Yerkes. "Yerkes, would you please escort my daughter to her chambers? The royal fiance and I have some matters to discuss."

Royal fiance. That's not a good sign.

Yerkes saluted and beckoned Kathyrine to follow him. To my vague delight, she gave me a vague smile of approval for not wanting this any more than she did. Maybe if we worked together we could stop this horrible series of events from occurring.

Once Yerkes and Kathyrine had left, Aepnet took a deep breath and fixed me with a piercing stare. "I realize that this must be quite a shock for you, human."

"There are no words in any language in any universe that can convey how much of an understatement that is." I glowered at him and folded my arms. "And before we continue on, my name is TD. Not human. I'm surprised that you betrothed me to your daughter before having even that much information."

Aepnet nodded. "Very well. TD. Does it stand for anything?"

"Nope. Just TD."

A smirk crossed Aepnet's face, and he snorted. "Your parents are a creative sort."

My glower deepened. "I can see where your daughter got her sarcastic tendencies."

Aepnet chuckled and shook his head. "You are quite remarkable, TD." Aepnet walked over to what looked like a globe of the planet we were on. He rolled it back revealing a bar. "What's your drink?"

"On the planet I come from it's a drink called a screwdriver. Orange juice and vodka. Here it's cider."

"I'm afraid that I don't have either." Aepnet lifted a bottle of amber liquid out of the globe. "Bourbon?"

I shrugged. "Sure."

"Very well." Aepnet grabbed two crystal glasses and poured the drink into both of them. He deftly balanced both drinks on his wings and walked back over to me. I took one of them. "I assume that you are curious as to why I would so readily accept a being from a completely different race that has no knowledge of our political workings as the heir to the throne of Griffonia."

"The question crossed my mind," I snarked. "The second question that crossed my mind is why I don't seem to have a choice in the matter."

"A reasonable query," Aepnet agreed. He sipped his bourbon before continuing. "You see, many decades ago, Griffonia was not the unified state you see today. My grandfather was the head of the most powerful griffin clan of them all, and it was his vision to see Griffonia united." Aepnet snorted and smiled knowingly. "Probably just because he wanted to be the emperor. He was quite power hungry." Aepnet waved a claw. "That's unimportant for your situation. Suffice to say, he was willing to do whatever it took. So, he captured a prince from the second most powerful clan and created a law that anyone ordered to marry into his clan would do so under penalty of death. The prince was more receptive to marrying my mother after that."

I raised my eyebrow and sipped my own bourbon, relishing the sharp taste. It was quite good. "So your father was said prince."

"Indeed he was. When he married my mother, it forced a treaty between his clan and the rival one that the prince had come from. With their combined powers, they were able to unite all of the clans under my grandfather's rule."

"And here I am: forced to marry your daughter or die." I rolled my eyes and drained the rest of my bourbon. "Wonderful."

Aepnet drank the rest of his bourbon and nodded. "Indeed. Now, you may wonder why I have chosen to utilize this law."

"Again, the question came up."

"That it would." Aepnet put his glass down and sighed, looking out one of the stained glass windows that adorned the room. "My grandfather's greatest wish is that my family line be the one to rule for as long as possible. Most of the nobles you saw out there have been vying for my daughter's claw since the moment she was born. All of them are not of my grandfather's line. They would use their position as Emperor to advance their own clans, and I cannot have that." He turned his head back to me. "You have no stake in their clans. You would continue my line if I asked, would you not?"

"That means sleeping with your daughter, right?" Yuck. That would leave a bad taste in my mouth. Human. Women. I cannot stress this enough.

Aepnet nodded. "Not only would it continue my line, but it would be your right as her husband."

"Okay." I put my own glass down and rubbed my temples. The movement jarred Oswald, and he hopped from my shoulder onto a table. "What makes you think that humans and griffins are even compatible? What guarantee do you have that I could even get your daughter pregnant?"

"If the issue arose that you could not, we would employ unicorn magic to make sure she gave birth to a griffin."

"That's just..." I groaned and facepalmed. "I don't want to offend you because I imagine that I'm skating on ice so thin that I'll break through at any moment, but good grief that's unappealing."

Aepnet grunted and shrugged. "You'd get used to it."

"I don't want to get used to it!" I lowered my hand and glared at him. "Do you even know why I'm here?! Do you know why I came to Griffonia in the first place?" Aepnet shook his head and I took a step towards him. "I told you that I came here because Princess Celestia accidentally brought me to this world when she messed around with portals. I'm traveling around the planet because I'm trying to find somebody that can send me back!"

Aepnet raised an eyebrow and cocked his head. "Really? And you thought that a non-magical race like the griffins could do magic more powerful than the pony who raises the sun?"

"I'm not giving up until I've exhausted every possible option!" I leaned my head forward. "Every. Single. One."

"I see." Aepnet scoffed and waved his claw. "It matters not. We are not a race more powerful than Princess Celestia. Nor do I know of anybody strong enough to do so. You're on a fool's errand, TD."

"I'm not giving up!" I snarled. "And seriously, your daughter doesn't want to marry me either! Why do you think that this is going to work?"

Aepnet's face twisted into a glare, and he took a menacing step towards me. "Because I said so. Because I am the emperor and my word is law. Our laws dictate that I can choose whomever I please to marry my daughter, and I can order your death should you refuse."

"I'm just trying to get home!" I growled. "Seriously, your daughter doesn't want to marry me either, and I seriously doubt that she's open to sleeping with me. All you have to do is let me out of here and I'll go somewhere else. Saddle Arabia or something like that."

"I'm afraid that it is too late for that," Aepnet insisted. "I already made the announcement. I can't go back on my word now." Aepnet's glare hardened. "You have no say in this matter, boy. You will marry my daughter, or I will make your death more painful that you can imagine." His glare softened, and he tapped one of his talons on the floor. "Or you can become one of the most powerful beings on the face of the planet."

"That would mean that Celestia would find me." I hardened my own glare. "And I have been trying to avoid that for a few years now. It would also mean consistent interaction with her."

"And no chance of going home; I get it." Aepnet sighed and for once, he looked a little sympathetic to me. "I understand that you want to go back to your own species. Being in such a foreign land is strange, and I know that I am asking quite a lot from you." His glare returned. "But know this: I will not let the legacy of my grandfather die. Not when I have the means to continue it. I will certainly train you to be quite the legal mind, as all emperors must be. You will live a life of luxury and comfort, and your word shall be law!"

"If your word is law then why don't you make a law that all further emperors have to come from your line?!" I retorted.

"Because that is impossible to enforce!" Aepnet snapped. "If Kathyrine had died out there then I would have no heir, thus my line would die." Aepnet closed his eyes and lowered his head. "My wife died six years ago in a fire that destroyed a portion of the palace. I cannot remarry as is tradition. Kathyrine is my last chance to keep my line going, and I will not have her wed to a noble who will just use her to make his own clan's line the ruling one."

"You have a whole clan of suitors that she can pick from!" I snapped. "Seriously, just have her marry within your clan!"

"I could..." A faraway crossed Aepnet's face. "I could and I would, but you saved Kathyrine's life. Our laws dictate that you must be the one to marry her."

"Why?!" I groaned and began rubbing my temples again. "Seriously, all you have to do is use your whole 'my word is law' power and pick another one."

"I can't break laws!" Aepnet scoffed. "I cannot abuse my authority. Every single action I take must be within legal boundaries so as to not become a totalitarian dictator who abuses his power!" He groaned and shook his head. "And don't even get me started on what a legal nightmare the courts are. I can't exactly change laws on a whim."

"You're the emperor; the most powerful griffin on the planet!" I narrowed my eyes.

"There is still a process that I must go through." Aepnet shrugged. "I can speed things along, but part of the unification process was the creation of a parliament and courts. We chose the name emperor because it sounded dominant and because we wanted a monarchy, but I'm more of a president with a lot more power than the average one."

"I don't believe this," I groaned. "I don't suppose that you could just let me escape? Just say that I slipped away in the morning?"

"I wouldn't for the reasons stated before," Aepnet said simply. "I need an heir that I can mold into one that will carry my legacy on."

"Sounds awfully manipulative of some poor sap who doesn't want to be here."

"I believe in being honest." Aepnet clicked his tongue and began walking towards the door. "You will be my heir."

"I see." Aepnet reached for the door handle, presumably to call the guards on the other end, but I cleared my throat before he could. "There's one bit I don't get. Your dad could have used his power as emperor to make sure that his own clan ruled, right?"

Aepnet lowered his claw and slowly nodded. "Yes. He could have. However, he met my mother during a clan meeting and the two fell in love. When he was captured, it turned out that we didn't really need to create the law forcing our will upon him. He willingly became a member of our clan when he married my mother." Aepnet smiled sadly and looked back at me. "In all honesty, the law is more for lesser nobles or even commoners who are willing to carry on the legacy of my clan. None of those leeches you saw out there would be."

Aepnet opened up the door and ordered a guard to lead me to a room. I followed them to one of the guest rooms in the palace, and plopped down on the bed the minute the door closed behind me. I deeply exhaled and looked over at Oswald, who was perched on the bedside table. "You know, Oswald, his plan to carry on his legacy has a lot of holes in it. Seriously, I'm going to guess that his line is going to be gone very soon the way he thinks about things." I rolled over in the bed and took my shoes off. "Heck, when I'm the emperor I can pull a Henry the Eighth and divorce Kathyrine and just slip away in the middle of the night. I'd rather not wait until Aepnet dies to do that; however long that'll be." I groaned and put my head in my hands. "Why me?"

Saddle Arabia

Well, needless to say, I was a little irked.

Okay, a lot irked.

Furious, actually.

All five of the griffins at the table and the butler were staring at me in open-mouthed shock. Oswald was still hissing at them, and I felt the overwhelming urge to pick up each one of them one at a time and throw them out the window. Maybe include their bodyguards in there as well.

I began tapping on the table with my knife. Part of me wasn't sure what I was angrier about: the fact that they tried to kill me or the fact that I had missed out on doubtlessly flawless steak. Probably the former, since I could have steak somewhere else. Maybe. Anyway, I slammed my hand on the table, making all of them flinch.

"I'm waiting!"

Emperor Aepnet's own face hardened into a glare, and he stood up from his own seat. "He is right! Which one of you did it?" He leaned in and glared at each of the nobles in turn. "With him out of the way, I would be back at square one with the betrothal of my daughter!"

"While I do not want the future prince dead, you have to admit that he is not worthy to be on the throne!" Zangara snapped.

"Zangara speaks the truth," Fromme growled, standing up from his own seat. "But besides all of that, why do you think that we would dare be so foolish as to stoop to poisoning him?"

Byck, as per usual, scanning everybody around the table. His eyes landed on Kathyrine for a fraction of a second longer than the rest of us. He subtly shook his head before throwing in his two cents. "How do we even know that the poison was intended for the future prince? Was there some order to the plates, or was it random?"

"Byck brings up a fair point!" said Zangara with a nod. He fixed Aepnet with his glare. "Is the rest of the food poisoned? Did you intend to kill all of us?"

"I did not!" Aepnet snapped. He grabbed a piece of steak off of Byck's plate and raised it to his beak. Pretty much everybody in the room, except for Byck because he was just a stoic griffin in general, and me, because I hated everybody at this point, gasped, and William even reached out to stop the emperor. However, Aepnet put the piece of steak in his mouth and swallowed.

The tension in the room was almost palpable as we all waited to see if he would keel over. Most of me was averse to the idea as then things would get even more complicated, but maybe if he kicked the bucket while Kathyrine was still unmarried then I would be allowed to leave since I had no stake in all of this, and the other clan leaders probably didn't care if I left.

However, Aepnet didn't die. He just glared at the rest of us. "I will have the rest of these plates checked for poison. If Duke Byck's plate is the only one who did not have poisoned steak, then he is doubtlessly the culprit."

"And what happens when the rest of them come back negative?" Byck said with the tiniest hint of a smirk. "What will be the results then, as it will be obvious that the prince to be is the target?"

"And how would you know that, unless you were the one behind it?" Aepnet said, turning his glare on Byck.

"Because his was the poisoned steak."

Aepnet opened his mouth to respond, but he must have realized that he was fighting a fool’s battle here. Yeah, it was totally me that they were trying to kill.

So what else is new? The minotaurs, diamond dogs, and dragons did. Sure. Let's throw griffins into the mix. Of course, I wasn't exactly going to ignore it. So, I slammed my knife own right on the table, leaving a small chip in the wood. That got their attention.

"Okay. Here's the deal," I said with as much venom as I could muster, "I never wanted to marry your daughter. I only came through here to try to find some way to get home. It's obvious that you cannot help me. All you want to do is get me caught up in the middle of some political baloney that I truly could not care less about!" I slammed the knife into the table again. "Now here's how this is going to play out: you are going to let me walk out of here. I will leave the griffin empire and go somewhere else. The price you pay for sending anything to follow me, is that I kill it. Once I am done, I will go into hiding, and before you can figure out where I am, I will decapitate the Griffonian government. If I am forced to marry Kathyrine and become emperor when Aepnet dies, I will decapitate it from the throne."

I flicked my knife out right towards Zangara's jugular, coming to a stop mere centimeters away. He flinched back and his guard moved forward. Zangara stopped them with a wave of his claw, and they stood at attention again.

"And I mean that both physically and symbolically." I slammed the knife on the table so hard it stuck in the wood. "Now if any of you rotten birdbrains have anything to say NOW'S THE FRIGGIN' TIME!"

With as loud of a yell as I could muster, I grabbed Byck's plate away from him, set it on the floor, and then upended the table, sending everything flying. Byck and Fromme flew a few inches into the air to avoid being splattered by food, and the guards began advancing again. I took the knife out of the table and, in a move so ballsy that I'm actually surprised that I even considered it, I wrapped my arm around Kathyrine's throat and brought the knife to it.

"If any of you come a step closer I will make sure the emperor doesn't have an heir, I swear."

Now, you may think that I was way overreacting to this, and that I was being really dumb, but you try going through an assassination attempt in a world you're not familiar with for reasons you don't care about then tell me you'd keep a level head. Remember, I killed Purgle for trying to kill me. I was not going to get caught up in all of this crap.

The interesting thing, though, was that I was aware even then that Kathyrine could have thrown me over her shoulder, disarmed me, and skewered me with the knife I was holding with pretty much no effort at all, but she held back. If anything she looked amused by the whole thing. The guards had stopped moving by that point, and it was sort of a stalemate.

Aepnet was the first one to clear his throat after a few tense moments. "Well... I think that it would be best to pardon Prince TD for his lapse in judgment. He has just had a trying time, so I do not blame him for being angry." He cleared his throat and looked at his daughter. "Kathyrine, dear, if you could escort TD to his room, I would appreciate that. I have some things to discuss with the dukes."

Kathyrine nodded, and I released my grip on her. She rubbed her throat a little and beckoned me to follow her. I picked up the plate I knew wasn't poisoned and followed. The second we were out of earshot of the nobles, Kathyrine began chuckling. "You know, if you were actually a griffin then I don't think I'd mind marrying you. You are quite the being, TD. Nobody, and I mean nobody, has ever said that kind of thing to my father before."

I shoved a piece of steak into my mouth and swallowed it before replying. Oh it was heavenly. "Yeah, well, I'm pretty sick and tired of being tossed around and treated like I can't hold my own. I'm freaking done being their puppet."

Kathyrine shrugged. "Eh, maybe you scared Dad into actually doing what you want. I know I'm curious to see what he's going to do with the information that you'll pretty much dissolve our empire if you're forced to marry me."

I finished another piece of steak and fed another one to Oswald before answering. "Yeah, well, he'd better get the freaking hint. If I have to burn the palace down, I'm not going to be his pawn." I scoffed and tossed the now empty plate behind me, relishing in the sound of it shattering. "And that's all I am to him."

"It's all I am to him too," Kathyrine muttered. "He always wanted a son."

"All monarchs do."

Kathyrine and I walked in silence until we reached my room. Neither of us really felt like talking further about what had just happened, so we didn't say anything. I merely opened the door to my room and walked inside. We exchanged final nods and I closed the door behind me.

* * * *

Oswald stood guard for me while I took another nap. Threatening the most powerful griffins in the world after undergoing an assassination attempt kind of wears a guy out. I changed out of my stupid tuxedo and wasted no time in getting to sleep. I was out the second my head hit the pillow.

I woke up some time later to the sound of knocking on my door. I groaned and rubbed some sleep out of my eyes, alerting Oswald to the fact that I was awake. He flitted over to my nightstand and stared at the door, spreading his wings protectively. I smiled at him and got up out of bed as the knocking sound returned.

"I'm coming, I'm coming. Hold your horses!"

Man could I never say that in Equestria.

I threw on my clothes and opened the door to my room. A more paranoid part of my brain expected somebody behind there with a crossbow, but it was something just as bad instead. I sighed and rolled my eyes as Emperor Aepnet pushed his way past me into my room.

"You might as well just stop there because I'm not going back on my terms."

Aepnet shook his head and waved his claw. "I'm only half here for that."

He ducked when Oswald came swooping down at him, narrowly avoiding the wing that Oswald intended to use to clip him on the head with. Oswald landed on my shoulder and hissed at Aepnet. Sentiment echoed, Oswald. Sentiment echoed.

Aepnet adjusted his crown and cleared his throat. "I'm aware that you are less than pleased by what has just taken place. I most certainly am too. It pains me that something like that could happen at my table."

"It's your fault I was there in the first place," I snapped. "All you had to do was let me get out of here, and I could be on my way to wherever I was headed next."

Aepnet waved his claw again. "It's unimportant right now. What is important is that I have a proposition for you. Should you choose to accept it, you will be released from the law binding you to my daughter."

I raised my eyebrow and folded my arms. "Really?" I exchanged a glance with Oswald. "Okay, I'm listening."

A small smile crossed Aepnet's face, and he reached out a claw and patted my shoulder. "There's a good lad." I glared at him and he retraced his claw. "Er... yes. My mistake. Anyway, the mission I have assigned for you is a simple one: because this has all just taken place, I cannot trust any of the dukes under me. I now feel that I am in a position where my daughter's life is at stake." Aepnet began pacing back and forth. "Since I do not believe that you would legitimately hurt my daughter, despite your behavior towards her today, I feel that you are amongst the few that I can trust to look out for her."

I snorted and raised an eyebrow. "Have you met your daughter? She could kill everybody at that table in two seconds. She's not exactly a pushover."

"I'd believe that were it not for the incident with the timberwolves." Aepnet stopped pacing and looked me directly in the eye. "Look, I would not ask if this were not such an explosive situation. All I want you to do is take her to Saddle Arabia. They are a good, peaceful people and they are close. She will be safe there. All you have to do is escort her and make sure that she's safe. Once I find out who tried to kill you and punish them accordingly, she may return home and you may leave to wherever you desire."

I frowned and tapped my chin. "No catch?"

Aepnet shook his head. "No catch. Just keep an eye on her, and when this blows over you can leave."

"I see." My glare returned, but it wasn't as sharp this time. "And what assurances do I have that you won't go back on your deal since this is just a private conversation? What assurances do I have that the assassin won't follow us to Saddle Arabia?" My glare hardened. "What assurances do I have that you aren't the one who set the whole thing up?"

Aepnet grimaced and tapped his talon on the ground. "Firstly, I believe you made your position quite clear on the matter of you marrying my daughter. I have come to reconsider my position on the grounds that you would make a terrible emperor and that you'd probably hand Griffonian territories over to the Equestrians just to spite me. Two, it will just be you and Kathyrine. The Saddle Arabian royalty is more than capable of protecting you, and after they hear of this they will up their security."

"And the third issue?"

"The third issue is moot because I already told you that I do not want to be back at square one in terms of marrying my daughter off." Aepnet shook his head and began pacing again. "I know that I already am, but I see no reason to kill you. I would have had even less reason once you became my heir." Aepnet looked to the door and scowled. "No, it is one of the three clans. I am sure of it."

"Could be your butler," I snarked. "It's always the butler."

Aepnet turned back to me, his eyebrow raised. "Indeed?"

I snorted and actually managed a smirk. "It always ends up back to the butler."

"I take it that's some human joke that I wouldn't understand." Aepnet shrugged. "Are you on for the job, then?"

I sighed and walked over to the bed, sitting down on it so as to better look Aepnet dead in the eye. "The second she can come home you're letting me leave. End of story. I hate killing, but I've done it and if I think it'll be the best bet for my self-preservation, I'll do it again."

"You have made that quite clear already."

"Good. Then we understand each other."

Aepnet nodded and turned back to the door. "Indeed we do."

* * * *

Well, one thing I can say for Aepnet is that he wastes no time in getting stuff done. That very evening Kathyrine was packed and the two of us were on a train to Saddle Arabia. I had to admit that this wasn't too bad of a setup for me. Not only was I hopefully getting away from a highly dangerous political situation, but I was going to go to another country that might actually help me out in my quest to get home. Win-win for me there unless the assassins followed me, which was potentially likely.

The train ride to Saddle Arabia was about six hours long. Katherine and I used it to talk about some awesome moments we had gone through. She was most interested about the whole 'punching Celestia and getting my spine snapped by Luna' thing. She had said that doing something like that, minus the spine-snapping, was on her bucket list. What a keeper she was.

She, on the other hand, regaled me with tales of battles she had gone through, particularly the ones about where she fought timberwolves. I stopped her there.

"So... if you're so experienced in fighting timberwolves, how exactly did they get the upper hand on you?"

Kathyrine glared at me and tapped her talon on the armrest. "I don't know. I think it was because my friends were inexperienced in the whole 'hunting' business." Her glare faded into a frown. "Come to think of it, though, I think one of them had actually done it before. She seemed to know what she was doing when we went out, so I don't..." Her frown deepened, and she peered out of the window. "You know, I'm not entirely sure what happened. One minute I'm flying into the forest, and then next some weirdo is standing over me drenching me in who knows what."

"Dirty joke opportunity aside, don't you think that's a little odd?" I returned her frown and leaned back in my seat. "I mean, you could kill a pack of timberwolves no problem, right?"

Kathyrine slowly nodded, but her frown never left her face. "Y-yeah... yeah. I guess I was kinda off that day."

Hmm... Something was off that day, but I didn't think it was Kathyrine's fighting abilities, nor her friends. I kept that to myself because I wasn't sure if making her really paranoid was a good idea. I'd definitely be sure to talk to the Saddle Arabians about it, though. They'd probably know more about that kind of thing than I would, and I didn't trust any griffins. I only even half-trusted Kathyrine anyway.

Well, I wasn't left to stew with my thoughts for too much longer. We arrived at the Saddle Arabian train station. Oswald perched on my shoulder, and I carried Kathyrine's bags for her. Reginald was secure in my backpack, as were the heavier parts of my armor. I was only half-decked out in my armor, as it was pretty heavy. I only put it on because it never hurt to be at least a little prepared when somebody was trying to kill you. That's why I had my knife belt on, at any rate.

The door opened, and Kathyrine and I stepped out to the sounds of trumpets and drums signaling our arrival. All around us were the Saddle Arabian citizens, who I was surprised to find were more akin to horses than ponies. They were somewhere between the size of Celestia and an average stallion in Ponyville. Most of them didn't wear clothes, as was usual for beings without magic or opposable thumbs, but the short walk to a carriage that was waiting for us was lined with Saddle Arabian soldiers. They all had tan coats, and were decked out in similar armor. It seemed more lightweight than the Equestrian guard armor. They were all armed with the bladed boots that Soundspeed had with him, and I had no doubt that they could use them if need be. Each of them also had a sharp spear attached to their armor. They weren't messing around with this, were they?

As Kathyrine and I walked towards the carriage, the door to it opened, revealing somebody who appeared to be a Saddle Arabian delegate. He was dressed in plain white robes, likely to counteract the hot and dry desert air that I was struck with when we got out of the train. He smiled at the two of us and sunk into a bow.

"Greetings, Princess Kathyrine and..." He faltered and stood up. "I don't really know about you. I heard that you are betrothed to Princess Kathyrine, but not much more than that."

I chuckled slightly. "That's fine. My name is TD. I'm a human from another world who was brought here by Celestia when she messed up with a spell. I was..." I glanced over at Kathyrine. "Drafted, shall we say, to be Kathyrine's husband when I saved her life. That has since changed."

"I see." He bowed low to me as well. "I am Ambassador Imad; delegate of Sultan Mesud. He wished that I escort you to the palace where he will greet the two of you personally." He straightened up and smiled warmly at us. "I assure you that you two will be most safe here."

"That'll be a change," I muttered.

Imad raised an eyebrow. "Indeed? You have faced many dangers?"

I snorted. "You don't know the half of it."

"I see." Imad shrugged and beckoned us towards the carriage. "You will have to tell me all about it. I know Sultan Mesud will want to know about it as well."

Imad opened up the carriage, and allowed the two of us to step inside before entering himself. I put the bags on the floor and massaged my aching joints. She had packed quite extensively.

Imad closed the door to the carriage, and it began moving towards the palace. Imad continued smiling at us, and he motioned out the window.

"My dear Princess Kathyrine, and TD. Welcome to Saddle Arabia."

Another Goes Down

The carriage pulled up to the palace after a roughly two hour drive. I used that time to bring Imad up to speed on everything that had happened to me, up to and including when I got involved in this whole mess. Kathyrine filled in the blank spots for me. Imad was silent through most of my story, asking a few questions when he deemed it necessary. However, he had a large grin on his face, indicating that he quite enjoyed my story. He was most interested in my death match with Purgle. It seems the tales of that had even reached Saddle Arabia. Figures.

We reached the castle, and Imad opened up the door for the two of us, allowing us to step out. Thankfully a servant took Kathyrine's luggage, so I didn't have to blow out my back trying to carry it all.

The palace itself was a rather splendid affair, I must say. It had the same middle-eastern design that was prevalent throughout Saddle Arabia. It was roughly the size of Canterlot Castle. It too was guarded by a slew of guards, all armed and armored in the same fashion as the ones at the train station. It turned out that a group had been following us the whole time. They weren't taking any chances with the whole assassination possibility.

We followed Imad up the stairs of the palace, where two figures, the male was a light brown stallion with a blonde mane while the mare was light pink and had a mane the same color as Rarity's, that I could only suppose were Sultan Mesud and his wife, whose name I didn't know at the time. We stopped in front of them, and we all bowed to each other. Sultan Mesud was the first one to speak, as Imad told me was good manners when meeting with him.

"A good afternoon to you, Princess Kathyrine." He inclined his head to me again. "And to you, TD. I have heard of your exploits in the minotaur lands. One of my subjects was there when you fought your opponent in the Schunie death match. I congratulate you on your victory."

"Uh... thanks, I guess."

The Sultan had a rich, but subdued, bass voice, and he seemed perpetually calm. He had a serene smile on his face that reminded me of a certain princess I have a fondness for punching.

It's just a joke, Celestia. It's just a joke. Come on, it's funny.

Anyway, he chuckled at my reply. "You are quite the traveler, I hear. You have been all over the planet, yes?"

I nodded. "Yep. Zebras, minotaurs, diamond dogs, griffins, and now here. That's ignoring the fact that I started out in Equestria, obviously."

"Indeed." Mesud motioned to his servants. "Bring TD and Princess Kathyrine's luggage to her room. If it pleases them, they may rest before the evening meal." The two servants carrying her luggage bowed, and walked into the palace. Mesud beckoned us onwards, and we followed him into the palace. "You must tell me more details about your travels at the evening meal, TD. I assure you that Sultana Naida and I are most excited to hear about them."

* * * *

A few hours later, the five of us were sitting down on the floor of a dining room with a large green and blue diamond patterned carpet in front of us. On said carpet rested a full spread of food. Most of it was vegetables, rice, beans, and something that looked like pita bread but had the consistency of a spongy pancake, but there was a small bowl of beef and pork beside me. Oswald naturally would want to take the first bite, but for now he was content being fawned over by the Sultana, who was sitting to my right. In front of each of us was a small porcelain plate. As was tradition, the Sultan and Sultana dug in first, taking the pita pancake thing and filling it with whatever they wanted. Mesud took the first bite, and then the rest of us started eating. I put meat and rice on mine, but before I could eat it, Oswald snatched a piece of beef out of my bowl and ate it.

Sultan Mesud raised his eyebrow with a frown. "It is most irregular that an animal eat at the table, TD."

I chuckled nervously and scratched the back of my neck. "Er... I don't mean any offense, but I think Oswald here is a little paranoid after somebody tried to kill me by poisoning my food." I glanced back at him. "He won't do it again."

Mesud slowly nodded, and his serene smile returned. "I, of course, understand. I did not think of it. I take no offense to the matter."

I inclined my head in a slight bow, and took a bite of my food. The pancake thing was a little bitter, but it was overall pretty good.

Sultan Mesud finished off his first portion, and turned his attention to me as he took some more. "So, you must tell me about your travels. I am aware of the death match in Schunie, as is most of the world, no doubt, but it seems you have been on the road for many years. More must have happened in that time."

I snorted and swallowed a bite of food. "You have no idea."

Like the carriage ride, the next hour or so was spent retelling the stories of my travels. The good, the bad, and the ugly, of which there was a lot of the latter two. Mesud seemed really quite impressed with everything, and Naida was staring at me with rapt attention. It was nice having a receptive audience, and I do mean that for you guys too.

"So yeah. Aepnet told me that if I escorted Kathyrine here that I'd be freed from my duty to marry her. Here we are, so I'm single once again."

Mesud's smile widened by a fraction, and he nodded. "That is good for you, I suppose. I think it is also good for me."

I raised my eyebrow and cocked my head. "Yeah? What do you mean?"

"Well, I have a daughter that is not yet betrothed. In Saddle Arabia, if an eligible male dines with the royal family, he is allowed to marry the princess. I must congratulate you on your upcoming nuptials, my son. Sultan TD the First has a nice ring to it, does it not?"

I almost spit-taked my drink all over the place, which would have been quite unfortunate for everybody involved. I managed to swallow the water I had been drinking, but some of it went down the wrong pipe and I began coughing as I registered what he said.

"I... I'm sorry?"

Mesud's smiled at me for a few more seconds before bursting out laughing. "I only jest, TD. Though that is a custom, my daughter is already betrothed."

Oh lucky me. I got to meet the funny sultan. Ha ha. If I was ever royalty, I don't think that I'd ever act like that.

... Actually, strike that. I totally would.

I gave him my best wee smile and cleared my throat to get the last of the water out of my trachea. "Good joke," I rasped.

He chuckled again. "I do, however, have another daughter who is available should you ever find yourself in need of a wife."

"I appreciate the offer, but I'll pass."

"I take no offense." The sultan took a sip of his water before continuing. "I would imagine that you are more open to females of your own species."

"Yep. That's one reason I'm trying to get home." I sighed and picked up a small piece of beef. "The only problem is that every place I turn to has the same answer: we can't do it. If even Princess Celestia herself can't get me back to where I came from, then I'm beginning to think that I'm stuck here, and I don't have to tell you for you to know that I'd rather not be. No offense to your planet or anything, but I don't actually belong here."

"I understand and take no offense." Mesud waved his hoof dismissively. "Were I trapped in a land that was not my own, I would not be pleased either."

I chuckled weakly. "I don't suppose you know how to get me across dimensions to my own?"

As expected, Mesud shook his head. "I am afraid that my people lack the power to do so." A slight frown crossed his face, and he tapped his lower jaw thoughtfully. "However..."

I raised my eyebrow. "Yeah?"

"TD, are you familiar with the Crystal Empire?"

I nodded. "Yeah. It was one of the places that I researched before I left Ponyville. Why?"

Mesud shrugged. "Well, it's a long shot, but it could work." He pointed with his hoof at a large world map on the wall opposite me. I have to admit, looking at it made me realize just how far I had traveled. It's quite impressive, if I do say so myself.

Mesud stood up and pointed at Saddle Arabia. "As you can see, we are here." He raised his hoof slightly higher and pointed at the Crystal Empire. "About a hundred miles north is the Crystal Empire. Should you wish to travel there, I think that they might have a solution."

My eyes widened, and I stood up and walked over to the map. "Y-you do?!"

"I do." He turned his head to me. "TD, have you ever heard of the Crystal Heart?"

"Yeah." I slowly nodded, staring at the Crystal Empire. "Yeah, but I don't know too much about it."

"It powers the entire Crystal Empire." Mesud nodded to a servant who trotted out of the room. He returned a few seconds later with a scroll that Mesud took and laid on the floor. It showed a picture of the Crystal Empire with the Crystal Heart over it. "Every year, the crystal ponies have a fair that they use to re-charge the heart. If you are there when they are, it is possible that their royalty, whom I know have magic, to use its magic to increase their own. If that happens, it is possible that they might be able to send you home."

My breath caught in my throat and I ran a hand through my hair. I stared at the picture of the crystal heart, and for the first time in a long time, a legitimate feeling of hope entered me. I was going to go to the Crystal Empire. I was going to hope that the Crystal Heart was powerful enough to send me home. That drawing suddenly became more beautiful than anything I had ever experienced in my entire life. I had been wandering through the entire planet, hoping that I could find a way to get home, and it was laying right in front of me. I hadn't been so happy in a long time.

~~~~

My eyes lock on to Celestia. "Well, is it possible? Is it possible that the Crystal Heart can send me home?"

All attention is on Celestia as she stares out the window. Her brow is creased in a frown, and I can tell that she's thinking hard about it. She can think as long as she wants, just as long as she comes up with an answer that will make six years of traveling worthwhile.

It's a good five minutes before she responds, and nobody makes a sound until she does.

"It is... possible, I suppose. I had not considered the idea." She turned her gaze back to me. "Do know that I make no promises, but the possibility is there. Mesud does not know much about magic, but he may be right about this."

I smile so wide it threatens to split my face in half. I suddenly feel lightheaded, but I know that it's from the sheer amount of joy that I am feeling. Everybody around the table is smiling at me too, and I get a few mutters of 'congratulations' from a few of them. Oswald nuzzles me happily. However, Celestia still has a slight look of uncertainty on her face. I can see the cogs turning in her head as she considers the idea. Like I said, she can consider it all she wants, but if it works then I don't really care.

Of course, there is still more story to tell, so I try to hold back my grin so that I can continue on with it. It's just about to get good, after all.

~~~~

Well, my reaction to all of that was pretty much the reaction that I just had. I almost had to stop myself from bouncing around the room and shouting 'yesyesyesyes' like Twilight did when she got that rare, first-edition book of pony tales, like the one that had the Nightmare Moon legend in it. I don't think it would have been quite as cute if I did it, though.

Well, as you can imagine, I was far too excited to even eat at that point. Nobody else did either, but I could tell that they were happy for me. Even the perpetually sarcastic Kathyrine was smirking slightly. Probably because it would mean that I definitely didn't have to marry her at that point.

I was going to go to the Crystal Empire as soon as I could. I prayed that Aepnet figured out who the heck was trying to kill me sooner rather than later so I could get going. Maybe he should have considered the butler sooner.

As we all chatted about how awesome it was that I might be going home soon, a servant entered the room with a scroll in his mouth. He placed it in front of Mesud and bowed his head. "A message from Emperor Aepnet. It is most urgent.

"Thank you." Mesud unfurled the scroll as the servant left the room and scanned it. His smile fell as he read it, and his eyes widened. I could tell that it was nothing good, but I was almost afraid to ask.

Mesud finished reading and passed the scroll to me. "You may have to stay for a little while longer than you hoped."

I gingerly took the scroll and picked it up. It wasn't very long, but the words on the scroll told me that he was likely right. I wasn't happy about that.

Sultan Mesud: I formally request an extension for my daughter's visit, as well as your permission to come to Saddle Arabia. Whoever the assassin was has struck again. My butler William was found dead this afternoon; stabbed in the back.

Author's Note

I'm so glad so many people thought it was the butler. It makes it that much sweeter when I pull stuff like this.

And here is this just because.

Whodunit

Well, needless to say, I wasn't particularly happy with all of that. It did mean that Kathyrine wasn't behind it, and that I wasn't going to get knifed in the back if I stayed around her. Having said all of that, I really wanted to get out of that mess and over to the Crystal Empire. If Kathyrine was so safe in Saddle Arabia, why couldn't I just drop her off? Why did Aepnet want me to stay with her until the assassin was caught? Did he seriously not think that an army of Saddle Arabian troops guarding royalty wasn't going to be effective against an assassin if he really wanted to kill Kathyrine? Of course, there was the fact that the assassin came after me first, so let's not forget that. I doubt that they'd be able to find me if I went to the Crystal Empire. Heck if the Crystal Empire didn't work, I'd have to go back to Pony...

...

Anyway, it wasn't more than about six hours before Aepnet showed up. To make matters worse, the other three nobles showed up too. None of them brought more than a token guard force, as Sultan Mesud assured me that a troop movement into Saddle Arabia that was that large would be seen as an act of war. So, they only brought about six guards between them. Not each, total.

Well, like when Kathyrine and I arrived, Aepnet and the nobility were greeted by fanfare and a direct line to Sultan Mesud. I saw them come up the stairs to the palace, and I don't think that Aepnet missed the glare that I gave him. I don't think that any of the other nobles missed it either. Heck, once they were close enough, Oswald spread his wings and hissed at them, something that irked Aepnet, but he didn't comment on it.

Aepnet and Mesud exchanged bows, and we all waited for Mesud to speak.

"I would extend to you a warm welcome, but TD has informed me that the assassin is either one of you, or one of you ordered the assassination." Mesud snorted. "I am not in the habit of welcoming assassins into my lands with open forelegs."

Aepnet bowed again, but it was a little more noticeable than the last time. "Er... dear Sultan Mesud, we are here because we feel that it is dangerous for the Griffonian government to be in Griffonia until the assassin is found. If any more griffins find their way into Saddle Arabia, you will have your assassin."

Mesud silently studied Aepnet for a brief moment before giving Aepnet a glare that rivaled my own. "The moment griffin blood is spilled in my kingdom, all of you will leave. The only one whose company I enjoy is TD."

I gave Mesud a smirk. "You know, you're not too bad either. Definitely a step up from some of the minotaur clan leaders." I turned my attention to the Griffonian leaders. "I imagine that I don't need to tell you for you to know that I hate all of you." I jerked my head towards Oswald. "He hates you too, so it's not just me."

"I understand that our interactions have not always been positive, but you must understand our position, TD!" Aepnet snarled. "An assassin has struck in my kingdom under my very beak. You are clearly not the only being that was targeted."

"I don't care if every griffin ever was attacked," I snapped. "I do not appreciate death attempts. I repeat, the last guy who tried to kill me is now dead, and his clan is banished from the central trading hub in the minotaur lands." I snorted and crossed my arms. "With my track record, I'm going to topple your entire empire if these assassination attempts keep up."

"Do not be flippant with me, boy!" Aepnet snarled. "You--"

Aepnet was cut off when the sound of something slamming on the ground rang through the air. Everybody in the room turned to see Sultan Mesud glaring at everybody, having just slammed the end of a spear into the ground. Now, normally the guy seemed rather even-tempered, but I kinda got the feeling that the last thing that he wanted was to deal with this assassination nonsense. This wasn't Griffonia, it was Saddle Arabia, and he wanted to keep out of their nonsense.

Well, that made two of us. It was late, and I just wanted to freaking go to bed. Once the griffin ambassadors left, I was going to talk to Mesud about getting me out of here and away from all of this. I had a hard time believing that he'd be adverse to the idea. If I'm out of Saddle Arabia, none of the griffins had any reason to be there either.

Anyway, Mesud got mad not long after I did. He was not going to tolerate this nonsense anymore.

"I am not going to tolerate this nonsense anymore!" He snapped. He hooked the spear in his foreleg and pointed it at Aepnet. "YOU brought intolerance, strife, and general unpleasantness to my nation, and potentially an assassin!" He pointed the spear at the three dukes. "YOU, YOU, and YOU are no better than he! He did not say that I would be entertaining the entire Griffonian government!" With one more snarl, he pointed the spear at me and Kathyrine in succession. "YOU and YOU..." His glare faded, and he put the spear down with a pleasant smile, "are delightful guests. You are welcome anytime."

I have to admit, despite the situation, that got a single chuckle out of me. It helped ease a little bit of the tension between us; something I imagined that he planned. He subtly returned my small smirk before turning back to the Griffonian leaders.

"I agreed to take Kathyrine in to keep her safe from the strife plaguing your government. I would have denied the request had I known that you would bring the strife here." Mesud glared at each of the leaders in turn once again. He glared at their bodyguards as well for good measure. "It is late, and I am nothing if not a hospitable sultan. The four of you and your bodyguards may rest here for the night. At eight o'clock tomorrow morning, the usual train between our nations arrives. I suggest that you get on it before it departs, or I will imprison you all for the crime of breaking the peace."

"Doing so would break the peace treaty between our nations, Mesud," Aepnet growled. He fluttered his wings slightly as if to flare them out, but I imagine that he figured that it would be a very dumb idea with Mesud as mad as he was and with Mesud's soldiers all around him. He settled for a small glare of his own. "We will be on that train, but I request that Kathyrine remain under your protection."

"Something that I had agreed to in the first place!" Mesud pointed his spear at Aepnet again. "A letter or messenger between us would have been sufficient to communicate to you that your daughter was alive and well. She will remain so under our care until you have figured out what in the name of the stars is wrong with your backwards country!"

It wasn't until later that Mesud explained to me that a war between Saddle Arabia and Griffonia would have ended in nothing less than Griffonia's utter surrender. Their military had gotten contracts with Las Pegasus arms and armor smiths quite some time back, and the Griffons couldn't compete, even with air superiority. Mesud assured me that the Saddle Arabian army had weapons, tactics, and fortifications that would have made air assaults a bad idea, but he didn't tell me because, and I quote, 'a wise leader doesn't tell his entire military strategy to somebody he just met.'

Fair enough.

Long story short, if Saddle Arabia wanted Griffonia to become Saddle Arabia 2.0: Now with Fewer Griffins Because We Wiped Out Your Military, they could. That is why Mesud felt comfortable saying that kind of thing to Aepnet. Aepnet wasn't in a position to do a single thing about it.

Aepnet cleared his throat and exchanged a few glances with his Dukes. "It seems I have no choice in the matter. You are quite right, Sultan Mesud. Investigating our potential assassin is a Griffonian internal affair."

"Yes. I know." Mesud motioned to a few of his servants. "Your rooms will be made up momentarily. Get to bed, wake up, get out of my country." Mesud turned his back on the griffons, his nose in the air. "We have nothing more to discuss."

I smirked at Mesud and followed one of the servants to the room I know had already been made up for me. I was just as anxious to get to bed as Mesud was to get the griffins out of his country. It was my plan to leave Saddle Arabia once Aepnet was on his way back to Griffonia. I'd take a train to one of their outlying towns, then head on out to the Crystal Empire. I would have taken the train there too, but when Mesud and I had talked between the note arriving and Aepnet arriving, he explained that giving the terrain between Saddle Arabia and the Crystal Empire, building railroads was difficult and expensive. Only a few supply lines had been established, with little thought to passenger lines at that time. I'd have to go it on foot.

Gee, that would be a switch.

I took off my shirt and crawled into the comfortable bed. Oswald perched on one of the bed posts, and put his head underneath his wing to fall asleep himself. I scratched his head feathers before stretching my arms and sinking into the pillow.

* * * *

Every now and again, you have a single trait that can be both a blessing and a curse. Mine was the fact that I slept really lightly. It really helped avoid pranks that people would have played on me when I was at summer camp, or something like that.

The noise that woke me up was Oswald starting to make some sort of squawk, but he made some sort of choking noise instead. The thing that really caused my stomach to clench up was the fact that I heard him burst into flames right afterwards.

I was not alone in that room.

I rolled out of bed onto the floor seconds before a knife hit the pillow right where my neck had been. I shot to my feet and saw a griffin dressed entirely in black, wielding a gleaming knife that would really do some damage. One of mine, actually, and that didn't make me very happy. That was my knife, and he tried to kill me with it! Oh, it was on now.

I moved so that the bed wasn't in the way, and ran towards him. As winged creatures are wont to do, he, or she, took to the air so that my kick missed completely. The assassin was quite silent, never saying a word. Heck, he didn't even make a sound when he flew into the air. He was a tricky one, that assassin.

He swiped down with the knife, and I dodged in time that he hit nothing but air. The strike threw him off balance, and I slammed my fist as hard as I could right in the area where his wing connected to his body. That got some noise out of him. He grunted in pain, and so did I because that punch kind of hurt, and he had to take a moment to recover. The blow was hard enough that I could tell that he was in pain. He growled quietly, and swung the knife at me again. I leaped back, and quickly readjusted so that I was able to jump into the air and latch onto him. In hindsight I should have called for help as Mesud probably had guards patrolling the halls, but I was thinking more about how I was going to beat this guy.

Well, given that I had grabbed onto him, he didn't have enough strength to stay in the air, and he tumbled to the floor. I got on top of him and slammed my fist into the side of his head. He grunted, definitely a male based on the noise he made, and his head snapped to the left. I grabbed the top of his head, right where his mask was, and pulled as hard as I could. If I couldn't beat him, I could at least try to get out of here and tell everybody who he was.

Honestly, I wasn't very surprised.

No, it wasn't one of the dukes, but it was definitely the bodyguard of one of the dukes. I had seen him a couple of times. He never left his employer's side, after all. He seemed like a higher-up. It made sense, of course. Send someone competent to perform an assassination, then leave before the Saddle Arabians got even angrier than they already were. I scoffed and grabbed the bodyguard by the throat.

"Duke Fromme isn't a very subtle guy, is he? He could have tried to be more discreet than thi..."

My words were cut off when I felt a sharp pain right in my back. I had forgotten the most important rule that Tycho had taught me: be prepared for anything. Especially be prepared to disarm your opponent before he stabs you in the back. I fell to the floor, twitching in pain and breathing heavily. It wasn't a flesh wound, I can tell you that.

The bodyguard stood up and chuckled. "And here I was thinking that this was going to be at least a little difficult." I gasped in pain when he took the knife out of my back. "All that training and swagger just to die on the floor like a dog."

Even though my back hurt like... well, the last time I had gotten stabbed, I tried to do a little thinking. He might not try to stab me again if he thought that I was already dead. Overkill didn't really seem like the kind of thing that Duke Fromme was going to go for. I deeply exhaled as if giving the impression that the last breath had left my body. I then held my breath and tried to go as limp as I could. I could only hope that he didn't stay there to make sure that I was really dead.

After a few seconds, the guard scoffed and tossed the knife down on the ground next to me. He walked out of my room and closed the door, presumably to go tell Fromme that one of his obstacles to the throne was out of the way. Well, I wasn't going to let that happen, now was I?

I made sure that he was gone, then sharply inhaled and did my best to sit up. I had just managed to lean the part of my back that didn't have a gaping hole in it against the bed when Oswald resurrected. He let out a loud squawk and flew onto my shoulder. Yeah, he wasn't any happier than he was the last time somebody had tried to kill me, and now that I knew who that was, I wasn't going to let them try again. I gingerly reached towards my backpack and took the bottle with the last of the phoenix tears out. I opened it and poured the last few drops onto my back. I flinched in pain as my skin and muscle mended itself, but I was content that I wasn't going to die. The wound would probably still need a few days to heal completely.

Oswald whimpered and nuzzled the top of my head as I stood up. I was going to tell Mesud about this, and he probably wouldn't be any happier than I was.

I picked up my discarded knife and wiped the blood off of it before putting it back in my knife belt and putting said belt on and grabbing Reginald. I opened the door and walked out towards the throne room. I wasn't sure if Mesud's room was around there, but there would probably be somebody around there who did know. Heck, if the assassin hadn't gotten away yet, I could go for round two with the element of surprise on my side.

However, when I reached the throne room, I heard something quite... interesting.

"The human is dead!" cried a voice that I instantly recognized. "I heard struggling coming from his room when I walked by on a walk to clear my head, and I heard struggling coming from inside! I went to go check, but the door to his chambers burst open, and a griffin clad in pure black pushed past me."

I had to hand it to Aepnet; it was quite the stroke of genius to hire the bodyguard of another duke to knock me off. I reached the throne room and saw Mesud, Aepnet, the three dukes and all of their bodyguards, and Kathyrine all standing around. Mesud looked absolutely furious, as if he wanted to order the deaths of all of them right then and there.

Again, remember what I said about Saddle Arabia being a more powerful nation. Doing so would decapitate their government, leaving a disorganized mess of a country.

Well, my would-be assassin was standing next to Duke Fromme, and I could tell that he was still in a little pain. One of his wings wasn't quite as folded as the other. Given that all of them had their backs to me, save for Mesud, they never saw me coming.

"It is most unfortunate, and I'm sorry," said Aepnet with a low bow. "We will leave Saddle Arabia at once. I apologize for bringing our troubles with us, and it saddens me that TD is no more."

Well, Mesud noticed me approach, and he raised an eyebrow when he saw me raise Reginald into the air right behind my attacker. Before he could say anything, I swung Reginald as hard as I could. The resounding crack that echoed throughout the hall was quite impressive, and he fell to the floor without a sound. The griffins wheeled around and gasped at the sight of me smirking while standing over the fallen bodyguard.

"What Aepnet meant to say, gentlemen, was that he hired the bodyguard of Duke Fromme here to attack me so that he could pin it on Duke Fromme once an investigation revealed who had killed me in my sleep. See, when I was lying on the ground with a knife wound in my back, I didn’t hear anybody else open the door, meaning that the only people who knew I had been attacked were the assassin, and the person he had reported back to."

Busted.

* * * *

Well, Mesud had his guards surround all of the Griffonian leaders, Kathyrine included as a precaution, and take them to jail. Aepnet, being the coward that he was, confessed to the whole thing when Mesud casually mentioned that his laws allowed him to remove Aepnet's wings. It was a lie, of course, but it worked.

So it went like this.

Aepnet realized that the other dukes were becoming powerful. They were gaining more influence, more weapons, and more clan members, and Aepnet feared that his lineage and position was in danger. So, he sent out his butler to drug Kathyrine during a hunt and kill her friends. Then he'd have some poor sucker find her, thus enabling him to use the law that he had only recently created. Boom. New prince.

Unfortunately for me, but fortunately for Aepnet, I found Kathyrine, so Aepnet didn't have to kill any of his subjects. His plan was to kill the recently appointed prince, and pin the crime on Duke Fromme. The other two clans would have gone with him, both to remove a rival and gain more power, while also giving Aepnet a chance to assimilate Fromme's wealth and have one less potential usurper to deal with.

Obviously, he didn't plan on Oswald, but few people do.

After that he sent us to Saddle Arabia to shift any suspicion off of him. He bribed Fromme's bodyguard to kill William to tie up that loose end, then came to Saddle Arabia to "make sure his daughter was safe," while demanding that the other three clans come along so that they didn't try any funny business. From there he goes through with his plan to kill me, and he gets to blame Fromme again, thus setting his real plan in motion once he left Saddle Arabia.

Mesud and I were not amused.

Given that Aepnet had confessed, the other three dukes, their soldiers, and Kathyrine had been set free. Now it was just Mesud, Aepnet, Kathyrine, and I in a small room guarded by Mesud's bodyguards.

"You are quite despicable, do you know that?" Mesud slammed his hoof on the table, causing Aepnet to flinch back. "Not only did you try to murder an innocent being, but you had four of your own subjects killed, and you attempted to wipe out a significant power in your nation just to consolidate your own fading power?!"

Aepnet tried his best to put on a brave face. "W-what I do in my own kingdom is no business of yours!"

"It is when you bring your pettiness into my country, Aepnet." Mesud leaned in close until he was nose-to-beak with Aepnet. "Were it not for the fact that your country is innocent in your evil deeds, I would invade Griffonia and take it for my own!"

Aepnet literally whimpered at that. I could tell by the way he tried to not go into a fetal position that he was trying to salvage whatever scraps of dignity he could. It wasn't working. He turned his head to his daughter. "Kathyrine, I--"

"No." I looked over at Kathyrine myself, and was surprised by her expression. Normally she was sarcastic and spunky. Not the type to really take crap from anybody. She had a perpetual smirk on her face. Not now, though. Now she just had a look of cold betrayal on her face. There was nothing but pure contempt in her eyes. "You had me drugged, my friends killed, all to keep your power."

Aepnet chuckled nervously and raised a claw. "K-Kathyrine, I was going to make sure that you were ruler of Griffonia. I was trying to make sure that it happened. I think you will make a wonderful empress."

Kathyrine scoffed and looked away from her father. "Empress. I'm not going to be an empress." She locked eyes with Aepnet, her cold contempt had turned to utter fury. "I forgo my rights as princess of Griffonia! I accept the role of a commoner, and disassociate myself from your line!"

Aepnet gasped and took a step backwards. "K-Kathyrine! Y-you can't do that! Our line will die out completely if you don't take the throne!"

"Good," Kathyrine snapped. "That'll be your reward for what you did to me. I'm either going to stay here or move to Equestria. I'm never going to take even one step into Griffonia again."

"You are, of course, welcome here, Kathyrine." Mesud walked over to Kathyrine and put a hoof on her shoulder. "You are always welcome here."

Kathyrine subtly nodded, but I could see her arms shaking. She shrugged Mesud's hoof off of her, and with a scream, she tackled her father and slashed him across the face with her claws. Aepnet wailed in pain and clutched at the deep cuts his daughter had made, while Mesud motioned to one of his bodyguards.

"Get him out of here. Heal his wounds and send him back to Griffonia at once. Let the dukes know that he is at their mercy now."

The guard saluted and nodded to one of his fellows. The two dragged Aepnet out of the room, still bleeding and wailing. The door slammed shut behind them, and his screams faded away. I turned my attention back to Kathyrine, who was shaking where she stood. Her father's blood still stained her claws. She let out what sounded like an elongated whimper before collapsing on the floor. her screaming sobs echoed throughout the room, and I almost had to cover up my ears. Mesud quickly scooped her into a hug, and she leaned against his shoulder and cried.

Mesud rubbed her back with his hoof, and gently nuzzled her. "There, there, child. He's gone now. You are safe from his scheming."

"I wish he was dead!" Kathyrine screamed. "He used me like I was some bucking chess piece!" Kathyrine whimpered and looked up at me with wide, watery eyes. "A-and he tried to kill you. I know that we kind of butted heads a little, but I'm sorry that he did that to you."

I gave her a weak smile and a shrug. "Well, it's not the first time that somebody has tried to kill me." My smile faded. "Unfortunately," I grumbled under my breath.

Kathyrine wiped her eyes and leaned into Mesud's shoulder again. "I'm going to stay here for a while until I figure out what I'm going to do next. I... I don't ever want to see my dad again." A snarl crossed her face, and her claws tightened into fists. "If I do, I'll give him more than a scar. I'm going to kill him. That's a promise."

"Well, I can't say that I blame you," I muttered. I took a deep breath and stroked Oswald's back. "I'm kinda with you there." I turned my attention back to Mesud. "I mean no offense to you, but I think that I'm going to go back to bed then head out towards the Crystal Empire. It's nothing against you personally, it's just that I'd rather get out of here before I get entangled in the inevitable power struggle that the griffins are going to have."

Mesud nodded and began stroking Kathyrine's back. "I understand completely, TD. You may return to your room, and I will have my guards posted in front of it. You will also be escorted to our borders tomorrow."

I nodded and thanked him before going back to my room. He needed some alone time with Kathyrine anyway, and I was freaking tired.

* * * *

I woke up at around eleven the next morning and immediately got all of my stuff together. I walked out of my room and nodded at the guards, who followed me to the throne room where Mesud was talking with his wife. He smiled at me when he saw me come in. "Ah, you're awake. Are you feeling well-rested?"

I nodded. "Well enough to get going. If not, I'll sleep on the train if I need to."

"That seems like a sound plan." Mesud beckoned me onwards, and I followed him after giving Naida a small bow, which she returned. We walked out of the palace and towards a carriage that had been prepared for me. "I know that it is not your wish, but should you find yourself staying on our planet, you are always welcome to come back here, TD."

I smirked and loaded my backpack into the carriage. "If I stay here, I'll definitely be sure to come back for a visit."

Well, there wasn't much more to be said besides that. Mesud and I exchanged a bow, and I was on my way. The carriage ride to the train station was fast enough, and it wasn't too much longer before our train departed. From there it was a five hour ride to a border town, which I did actually use to catch up on some sleep. When the train arrived, the guards escorted me to the edge of the town and directed me towards the Crystal Empire.

I thanked them and was off.

Queen Chrysalis is a Total Idiot

Now, one thing that I must bring up is that Mesud told me that there was a short way to the Crystal Empire through the plains, and a long way to the Crystal Empire through the dangerous, rarely-traveled mountains.

So, imagine my immense displeasure when after a few weeks of traveling, sustaining myself with non-perishable goods that Mesud had provided, I found myself looking at a large mountain range with a distinct lack of terrain resembling plains.

Well, given that I was running out of food, but still had just enough to get to the Empire if I needed to go through the mountains, I figured that the only way to get to them was to go through them. Mesud had told me that the mountains used to be a trading route with some small villages on the other sides, so there were supply trails that would lead me out.

Well, I knew that the only way to the Crystal Empire was to go right through them, so after another day or two of traveling, I reached the base. The starting terrain looked pretty safe, but I knew that once I got further into the range I would have a little more trouble.

At first there were trees about, which meant water and animals that Oswald could catch for us, so we didn't have to worry about food. In fact, I had been rooting through my backpack to find some beef jerky when I found an uneaten bag of fish jerky. I would have thrown it out, but I figured that I might need it. I hoped that I didn't.

Well, it was pretty much everything that I was used to when it came to non-train-based travel. When I was tired, I slept. When I was hungry, I ate. Nothing much of anything happened, until...

Until...

I think it was the second week of me traveling in the mountains when it happened. I was walking through the path when I saw something in the distance. Something big. It didn't look like another mountain. It was something else. A big part of me wanted to avoid it, but the way the mountain road was set up made it impossible unless I had brought climbing gear which, silly me, I left in my other bottomless backpack. Every day of travel brought it that much closer to me, and, once again, I'd have turned around and gone back to Saddle Arabia if I could, and wasn't a man.

Er... men on my world don't stop and ask for directions. Ever. Oh, your world too? Huh. Interesting.

Anyway, it was three week’s worth of travel into the mountains when I finally found out what it was. It was positioned in a large flat area between the mountains. If I had seen it in my world, I would have called it the largest fortress ever built by insects. Even there, though, that didn't seem to really describe what I was looking at. It was a giant insectoid structure with a hard, black carapace around it. Large holes dotted the structure, presumably for whatever lived there so that they could get in and out. There seemed to be a few places with what looked like doorways and windows were too. Well, based on the stories you guys have told and the research I had done, I knew that there was really only one species that could have made this: the changelings.

I gulped and looked to Oswald, who had perched on my shoulder. "Uh... maybe we should go back and..." I grimaced, "ask for directions. I'm sure Mesud would be happy to see me, and Kathyrine and I seemed to be hitting it off at the end there."

Oswald cocked his head and chirruped at me. I took that as a vote for that plan. The last thing that I wanted to do was get involved with another race that was definitely hostile. The Purgle and the diamond dogs had been bad enough, thank you very much.

Well, the funny thing about walking right next to a fortress of a hostile race full of insectoid creatures is that it's hard to just walk away without being spotted. The worst part was that it really only takes one for things to go very wrong. I had turned around to get out of there when I saw a changeling standing right behind me. Fancy that.

He, or she, it's hard to tell, but we'll call him 'he,' had a large grin on his face, revealing glistening fangs that I really didn't want to be on the wrong end of. His wings were spread, and I began to wonder if he was going to take off and warn the others. Needless to say, I couldn't let that happen. I don't like being the instigator of conflicts, but I figured that it was him or me, especially since he flew into the air straight at me, hissing like a pissed off snake. I readied Reginald and swung as hard as I could once he was within range. The resounding crack echoed throughout the mountains, which made me quite uneasy. Everything within a few miles had heard that, I'll wager.

Well, the changeling was on the ground; completely out for the count. I knew that I needed to run if I was going to get out of my situation alive. I didn't have a lot of room for error here, and the less time I was around the hive, the less chance that I had of getting caught.

Well, we all know how much fate loves throwing me a bone every once in a while.

No sooner had I taken about a dozen steps when I heard the sound of what must have been hundreds of pairs of wings buzzing behind me. I made the mistake of glancing back and seeing the black wall of changelings coming towards me, all with that same evil smile and doubtless malicious intent. I wasn't going to outrun them, and I wasn't going to be able to fight all of them off. To make matters worse, there wasn't a dense forest close by for me to lose them in. When I first started walking, there were places that I could have gone to avoid them. Here, though, it was decently barren.

Well, like with Purgle, if I was going to go down, I was going to go down fighting. I waited until the last moment, when I was sure that they were closest behind me, and turned around and swung Reginald as hard as I could. Like before, it connected with a changeling skull and sent a resounding crack through the air. With my speed, I was able to take a few more of them out before they overwhelmed me with sheer numbers. I began to get hit with bolts of magic from all sides. Each hit was like a blow from a rock, and I soon found myself on the ground while they pounded away at me. I didn't have the strength to fight them off, and I didn't know where Oswald was. Pretty much all I could do at that point was just cover my head and hope that I was either knocked out soon so that I didn't have to go through this anymore, or that they'd just stop before they killed me.

The former was the case.

* * * *

When I woke up some undetermined time later, I slowly opened my eyes. Given that wherever I was was dark enough, my head didn't hurt when I opened them. Having said that, the rest of my body sure did. Pretty typical when you get pounded on by an army of changelings, I'd imagine. However, the biggest problem that I found myself facing was that I couldn't move. I opened my eyes further and groaned when I found myself covered in a hard green substance, attaching me to the wall. Of course, I was not alone there. I raised my head and saw none other than Queen Chrysalis herself grinning evilly at me. She was surrounded by her brood, all of whom had the same smile on their faces.

I groaned and followed it up with a scoff. "If you wanted to invite me over to your house, an invitation in the mail would have been better."

Chrysalis cackled and took a step towards me. "Brave words, strange one. I sense that your humor covers up your fear, does it not?"

I rolled my eyes. "Look, I've been trapped by a hostile race so many times that the novelty has pretty much worn off. What, are you going to start up a monologue about how I'm an insect next to you, and that you have me in your clutches and I won't be getting away?"

To my delight, Chrysalis' smile faded ever so slightly. I think I hit the nail on the head in terms of her chosen words. "You have quite the sharp tongue, strange being. I wonder if you actually put it to good use."

I gave a single laugh and smirked at her. "That's what she said."

Her glare turned into a confused frown, and she cocked her head at me. "That's what who said?"

I shook my head, my grin never fading. "Don't worry about it. You wouldn't understand."

Her expression turned suspicious, but I don't think she wanted to linger on it. "Very well. May I ask what you are?"

"No."

Chrysalis' eyes widened indignantly, but I smirked at her. "Nah, I'm just messing with you. I'm a human. I was brought here by Celestia from another dimension, and I'm trying to get back home to my own world."

Chrysalis gasped softly, her grin having returned. She regarded me with an expression not unlike a lawyer sizing up a gullible client. She licked her fangs and took another step in my direction. "You are familiar with Celestia?"

"I think one can surmise that, yes."

Chrysalis cackled again, and ran her hoof down the side of my head. "This does change things indeed, human. I was unsure of what to do with you when you first came into my possession, but it seems that you have hoofed me a good job for you." She pushed the side of my head, and turned back to her changelings, walking in front of them almost seductively. "I have been looking for a way to get next to Celestia. My defeat at the hooves of her captain and his bride showed me that she is not as weak as I suspected." Chrysalis's face hardened into a snarl, and she stomped her hoof on the ground. "I will not fall to her a second time, human! This time I will get close to her, and when the time is right, I will spring my trap. My army will invade Canterlot, being sure to take out Shining Armor and that precious princess first. Then, as Celestia is watching the destruction of her paradise, I will come up behind her and have my way. It is when I'm standing over her that she'll know that she has been defeated."

I snorted again, my grin widening. "That sounds rather raunchy, Chrysalis."

She turned her attention back to me, her expression confused again. "I do not understand what you mean. I will have my way with Celestia while her entire kingdom watches." Her smile returned and she licked her fangs. "It will be glorious."

I tried to hold back more laughter, and I took a deep breath to center myself. "So when you say 'have your way with Celestia,' what do you mean by that?"

"I will defeat her in a magic duel and cocoon her." Chrysalis frowned and cocked her head. "Was that not clear?"

I remember a line from Pinkie Pie's cutie mark story, and I think it applied. I had never felt joy like that before. The closest thing the planet has to a succubus is spouting off innuendos and has no idea. It was quite magical almost.

“All we wanted was a little love.” Chrysalis stomped her hoof on the ground. “Do you have any idea what it is like to be starving?!”

“I know what it’s like to live off of nothing but fish jerky if that counts.”

Chrysalis rolled her eyes but otherwise ignored me. “I have an entire brood to feed, and Shining Armor gave me love.” Chrysalis deeply inhaled and smiled as she remembered it. “Have you ever experienced what it is like to be full after starving for a long time?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you know what it is like to be humiliated by Celestia just when things were going well for you?!”

“Yeah.”

“Do you...” Chrysalis stopped and raised an eyebrow at me. “Wait... do you really?”

I nodded. “Like I said: Celestia brought me here by accident. I was rather fond of my world, thank you very much. That’s why I’m trying to go back.”

“Did you have constant contact with Celestia before you came to me?”

“Uh-huh, but we weren’t on the best of terms.”

Chrysalis' smile returned again, and she walked up to me. "It seems that fate has given you to me, human. You will factor heavily into my plans. If you are familiar with Celestia, you can infiltrate her inner circle." Chrysalis idly began examining her hoof. "You will return to Canterlot and grovel at her hooves, begging forgiveness for leaving. Or you could maybe just be more subtle about it and re-integrate yourself back into pony society."

I raised an eyebrow and cocked my head. "Oh yeah? What makes you think I'd actually do something like that?"

Chrysalis giggled and patted me on the head. "Do you think changelings are all bred?" She scoffed. "No. Some are converted. I will put you in a cocoon, where you will be converted into a changeling yourself. You will be connected to the hive mind, and you will follow all of my orders. I will completely dominate you, and you will be made to like it."

Okay, that one was too much. I burst out laughing, trying my best to control myself lest I make her angry. Still, it was just too funny that she was saying all of this and had no idea.

Yeah, I didn't calm down before she got mad. She slammed her hoof right next to my head, and glared daggers at me. "You insolent foal! How dare you laugh at your new mistress?!" Chrysalis narrowed her eyes at me. "It will be better for you if you do not anger me before your transformation. It will make what is to pass go much easier for you. Otherwise I can give you a foul job, the likes of which you cannot imagine yourself doing before you are sent off on your mission! You had better think about how you can improve my mood, human. Think about it long and hard."

Okay, I know that Chrysalis was about to turn me into a changeling responsible for scrubbing floors around here if I kept up my laughter, but good grief, she could at least try to not to give me material.

~~~

I smile at my listeners. "You guys get it, right?"

Nobody responds, but given that Celestia is facehoofing and Rarity and Applejack are glaring at me with their hooves over their sister's ears, I can imagine that they understood Chrysalis' innuendos a little better than she did.

I chuckle to myself and take a drink out of my goblet before continuing on. I make sure that Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle are able to listen before I do, though.

* * * *

Well, suffice to say that Chrysalis wasn't pleased with the fact that I was laughing at her like I was. It wasn't more than a few minutes before I found myself hanging upside-down from the ceiling in a green cocoon. Yep. I was being turned into a changeling. I sighed, my grin still plastered on my face.

"Totally worth it."

Chrysalis gets Mad... and Then I Do

Well, as much as I grinned and said that pissing Chrysalis off enough that she decided to turn me into a changeling right away, what I didn't count on was the fact that being wrapped in a cocoon and turned into a changeling hurt... a lot. Basically what it feels like is your skin being peeled off and replaced with the changeling chitin stuff. To make matters worse, it wasn't exactly a quick process either. I think I was in there for a good hour and a half before my left hand began to curl up and turn black. My fingers were fusing together into hooves, and a hole even appeared in my forearm.

Yeah, it hurt about as much as one would expect.

Since I was upside-down, one would imagine that my blood would flow to my brain and kill me before I could be changed, but the cocoon I was in glowed green every few seconds. Each time it did, I felt the blood in my body flow normally. Of course, it also brought pain, so it evens out, really.

Now, right when I got into the cocoon, I began trying to struggle out. The changelings had taken my armor and knives, so I couldn't cut my way out. I couldn't really move much at all, really.

You know, as funny as it was when Chrysalis unknowingly said all of those innuendos, I was kinda getting worried that I wouldn't be able to get out of this one. Oh, don't get me wrong; I would fight tooth and nail to get out of this. Heck, I'd killed to get out of lesser situations. I wasn't just going to lie down for this one. Even if I was going to be fully turned into a changeling, I wasn't going to make it a pleasant experience for Chrysalis.

Dang it, now she had me doing it.

Now, on the whole, they left me alone to turn. Chrysalis told me that she knew that I couldn't get out, so she wanted to leave me alone to think about what I could do to please her once I was made hers. She didn't appreciate how hard I laughed at that, so she didn't come back for a while. When she did, she had that big, smug grin on her face once again. I returned it with a mischievous smile on my face.

"How is your conversion going?" she cackled.

I would have shrugged if I could have. "Eh, I'm not worried. You're only hurting yourself if you chose a guy like me to be a changeling. Do you really expect me to do whatever you want?"

Chrysalis chuckled and poked the cocoon. "Why, of course. All changelings are connected to the hive mind. I control the hive mind, thus I control you. I can make you do whatever I want."

I snorted and rolled my eyes. "Oh yeah, because something exists on this planet that would erase my god given snarcasm powers. I'd be connected to the hive mind and you'd turn me back to a human just to get some peace and quiet. Either that or I'd teach the entire changeling race to be sarcastic, this causing you to abdicate."

Chrysalis glared at me. "I cannot abdicate. Do you not understand the nature of your new species?" Chrysalis smirked at me and spread her insect wings proudly. "I am a physical manifestation of the hive mind. My word is law, and you will follow my law."

I chuckled quietly. "If you're the manifestation of the hive mind, the hive mind is quite dirty."

"You keep saying that, but you make it up!" Chrysalis snapped. "You should think before you accuse your new queen of such words!"

"Oh come on, you just hand the jokes right to me." My smirk widened slightly. "Or, 'hoof' them over, as is the case."

The cocoon glowed green again, and I held back a grimace as my left hand fully became a changeling hoof. Chrysalis couldn't see any pain out of me, or else she would just begin bragging. I hate bragging when I'm not the one doing it. I mean, I was pretty sure that I'd get out of there anyway... somehow, so I'd wipe that smirk off of her face regardless.

I have to admit though, it wasn't looking very good for me.

Chrysalis chuckled and pushed on my cocoon, sending it spinning a little bit. "I will come back sometime later this evening to release my newest loyal soldier. Equestria will fall under my control thanks to your help." Chrysalis turned around, tossing her seaweed mane as she did. "You will enjoy bringing me pleasure by your actions." She snapped her head back and glared at me. "AND STOP LAUGHING!"

It was a good two or three minutes before I did, but I was alone by that point. My left hand was a changeling hoof, and I felt pain in one eye and the left half of my jaw. I ran my tongue over one of my canines and found that it had extended into a long, sharp fang. Now that Chrysalis was gone and I didn't have to play casual, I began to panic a little bit. It was hard to think straight when I was in excruciating pain, and every minute that passed made me more and more a changeling.

Well, every so often, the universe realizes that it's kinda been way too hard on me. It looks at my situation and goes "huh... maybe I went a little too far on that one." This was one of those times. See, I could hardly call him a deus ex machina seeing as how he pretty much is always around and even always finds me when he goes off to resurrect. So it was quite delightful, but only a little surprise, when I glanced next to the window that was my only source of light in the room to see a red-gold head poke through and scan it.

I laughed in relief, catching my phoenix's attention. "Oswald!"

Yes, Oswald had resurrected and through his natural sense of where I was, he flew into the fortress and found me. He chirruped happily and flew over to me, landing on the floor and looking up at my cocoon.

"You know, Oswald? I don't know if I've ever been happier to see you." Oswald chirruped again and nodded at me. He took off again and began scanning the cocoon for a way to get me out. "Claws, dude! Use your claws!"

Oswald levitated in front of me and cocked his head. He looked around the room and, to my supreme annoyance, he flew away. I wasn't exactly going to get out of here if he didn't actually cut me out of the freaking cocoon. I tried to struggle out again to see if I couldn't get some leverage, but I wasn't able to move. Of course, Oswald wasn't one to leave me hanging, so he did show up again.

Holding a key ring in his beak.

Oswald....

I groaned and shook my head. "Oswald... where did you even get that?"

Oswald chirruped proudly and flew around the cocoon, looking around for a keyhole. Oy. I groaned again and would have very much liked to bang my head against the wall. I love Oswald, and all, but boy did he... um... have some flaws.

Well, I didn't have time to hang around all day while I waited for my phoenix to realize that a changeling cocoon didn't have a lock like a few of their doors did. Either that or Oswald just got a key ring out of nowhere. I got his attention when Oswald got in my range of sight again.

"Oh Oswald." Oswald hovered in front of me and cocked his head. "Take the key. Poke the key through the cocoon. Tear the cocoon apart."

Oswald looked confusedly at me, but gingerly flew forwards and took one of the keys in his beak. As I instructed, he poked it through the cocoon. It took a little bit of effort, but the key tore a hole through the cocoon. I smiled at him, which seemed to give him more confidence about what I had asked him to do. Within a few seconds, he was poking holes all over the cocoon. He kinda looked like he was having fun with it actually. It wasn't the quickest of solutions, but I was out of the cocoon within about ten minutes. Oswald poked enough holes in the thing that I was able to move and tear the rest of it away. I landed on the ground on my shoulder, which normally would have hurt, but my shoulder had already turned changeling, thus was armored.

So I...

~~~

I am interrupted from a spell from Celestia's horn that collided with me, knocking me out of the chair. Oswald flies up to her and hisses at her with extended wings, but I call him off.

I chuckle and sit back up. "That's kind of a delayed reaction to my punch, isn't it?"

Celestia doesn't respond, and neither does anybody else. They're all staring at me. As much as I'm sure it weirds them out, I don't particularly mind that I'm still a little bit changeling. My left eye and some of my teeth have been changed, and my left hand is completely a changeling hoof. Same with my right leg. My shoulder that I mentioned before is covered, but still changeling.

I chuckle and those parts are bathed in a green flame as I change everything back to human form. I flex my repaired fingers and crack my neck. "If you wanted to see the new me all you had to do was ask." I clear my throat and sit back in my chair, meeting Celestia's even glare. "I know what you're worrying about, but trust me when I say that I'm still all TD..." I tap my head. "Up here. Yeah, I'm a bit changeling, but trust me when I say that Chrysalis isn't in my mind."

Celestia stares at me for a few more seconds before casting another, gentler spell. It's like a mist covering my head. When it fades away, Celestia takes a deep breath and slowly nods. "You are still TD in there. You are not part of the hive mind."

"But yer a changelin' now!" Apple Bloom cries. "That's gotta be pretty weird."

I smirk at her. "I'm still human, Apple Bloom. Human with a few changeling aspects. It doesn't really change anything. I'm still human as long as I keep it up, which doesn't take a conscious effort." I give the collective ponies a small smile as Oswald nuzzles up against me. "I know it's weird, but trust me when I say that I'm still me." I raise my hand and allow it to be bathed in the green flame. When it fades away, it's a bear paw, complete with deadly claws.

"I can just do this now." I change my hand back. "Now, I could change it back with Oswald's tears... I think, but I think this is kind of awesome."

~~~

Detour aside, I try to push myself to my feet, but I topple over when I can't balance on one foot and one hoof in a shoe. I topple back on the ground, but push myself back up to my front hooves. "Okay, all I have to do is figure out how to call upon my changeling powers to turn back to human. Piece of cake."

I close my eyes and try to find my zen or some nonsense like that. I envisioned the changeling parts of me as my normal human form. To my surprise, I felt the changeling parts of me engulfed in a cool feeling, and I saw that they were bathed in a sharp green flame. When the fire subsided, my normal human hands were there. I stand up and dust myself off.

"Okay. That's good to know. I'm part changeling now so..." I examined my hand, but couldn't see anything that made it obvious that it wasn't the real thing, "I'll reserve judgment on that until later." I turn to Oswald. "So, let's get my weapons and armor and let's get out of here."

Cue bad guy coming up behind me.

"Not so fast, human!"

I turned around and saw Chrysalis glaring at me, her fangs bared and her brood surrounding me. So, it was pretty much a normal circumstance for me.

Chrysalis growled and took a few steps towards me. "I'll admit that I did not count on your bird finding you, but that is an easily remedied mistake. There are ways to kill phoenixes, after all."

Yeah, she was monologuing again.

Chrysalis began circling us like a shark, laughing when Oswald hissed at her. "You have spirit, human, I shall grant you that. You have mastered transformation quite quickly. It is a valuable skill to possess." Chrysalis stopped right in front of me and smiled evilly at me. "I wonder what other valuable skills you possess that I can take advantage of."

Yeah, I facepalmed at that one. I don't know if the fact that she was saying that kind of thing was worse than the fact that she had no idea, but it was something else nonetheless. Chrysalis seemed to get the meaning behind my facepalm, though, so she returned it with a glare.

"There is no escape, human! I would prefer to have you in my brood. Don't make me destroy you."

I crossed my arms and rolled my eyes. "Well then you're out your supposed linchpin of your next planned invasion of Equestria." I scoffed at her. "What, are you going to knock on the palace door and ask nicely for Celestia to give you the city? It sounds smarter than your other plan."

Chrysalis cackled and licked her fangs, her wings fluttering in what I presume was excitement. "No, actually. I was thinking of going after Ponyville."

My breath caught in my throat, and my jaw dropped a little as Chrysalis' words registered to me. She picked up on my shock and took full advantage of it.

"Imagine how Equestria will defend itself if the Elements of Harmony fall to us. With them defeated, and their army so weak that they aren't even able to get themselves properly armed when an invasion force is clearly right outside the city, I see no reason that my changelings cannot gain Canterlot's total surrender. Once Canterlot falls, so too will the rest of Equestria." Chrysalis cackled again. "You are hardly the linchpin in my invasion plans, human. Ponyville is."

~~~

I glance up at Celestia who has taken some of Twilight's parchment, and is writing something down on it. No prizes for guessing what.

~~~

My shocked expression wears off, and it is replaced with a glare. I clench my teeth together and ball my fists, ready to crush this bug. "No. You won't do that."

Chrysalis scoffed and waved her hoof at me. "As if you could stop me."

My voice was level, and my posture didn't indicate that I was about to attack, but anybody who looked at me could tell that I wasn't in the most chipper of moods at the moment.

"No. I don't think that you quite understand what I'm saying. If you attack Ponyville, there will be a reckoning of the changeling race unlike anything Equestria has ever seen. I personally go through this hive and be so efficient at destroying everything that I see, that I will make a terminator on God Mode look sloppy. When I'm done, I will ensure that it only takes a few years before nobody even remembers what the heck a changeling is."

Chrysalis smirked at me, but there was a hint of unease behind it. She had crossed a line with me, and she knew it. Having said that, nobody ever said that she was smart.

You think you are strong, human, but for all your bravery, you have not strength." Chrysalis narrowed her eyes at me. "I think we'll take you to Ponyville as you are, and make you watch as we take over the town before we turn you. I particularly look forward to rounding up all of the foals and--"

If she thought that she had crossed a line by merely saying that she was going to go after Ponyville, she hadn't even begun to consider the line she had just crossed by daring to threaten the Ponyville foals. They were the one thing that had kept me going; the one major bright spot that I had when I first came to Equestria, and this bug was threatening them.

It was time to squish the bug.

Before Chrysalis could really register how big of a mistake she had made, I rugby tackled her, slamming her against the wall. I grabbed onto her horn with one hand and turned my other one into the bear claw that I just showed you guys. I began absolutely tearing into her. I clawed at every single bit of Chrysalis that I could reach, and was quite satisfied when I saw glowing green blood start flowing from her cuts.

Now, you may wonder why none of her changelings actually came to help her. I mean, she was their queen, after all. Well, the best that I can figure is that, as mentioned, she was the physical manifestation of the hive mind, and since she was in such pain from my onslaught, the only thing that she could think of was how much it hurt. Every time I thought that she was trying to get a spell out, I jerked at her horn as hard as I could and slammed my paw into her head a few times for good measure.

I hadn't even wailed on Purgle this badly. I dunno, maybe it was the fact that she threatened the Ponyville foals, or maybe it was the fact that I was a quarter changeling now, or maybe it was just everything that had happened to me the past six years coming out in one brutal three minute span. Maybe it was the third one because when I finally let her go, her snapped off horn in my hand and her blood covering the other, I felt... relaxed almost. Like a huge weight had been taken off of my shoulders.

~~~

I smile sheepishly at the gathered listeners, all of whom are staring wide-eyes and open-mouthed at me.

"Uh... I guess I was a little... irked."

"A little..." Applejack puts her hoof on her forehead. "TD, that ain't 'a little irked.' Ah ain't never heard of somepony gettin' so mad at anythin' before."

I bobble my head and scratch the back of my neck. "Yeah, well..."

"So..." I look up at Sweetie Belle, who is frowning as if she can't understand what she had just been told. "You beat the queen of the changelings up because she said she wanted to hurt us?"

"Wow," Scootaloo whispers.

"Yeah. Well..." I run a hand through my hair and take a deep breath. "It's like I told you guys before: you and the rest of the kids in Ponyville kept me going. It was a real bright spot for me and, while I know this sounds cheesy, they were memories that I really cherished when I was traveling the world." A wry smile crosses my face. "And that manifested itself when I beat the queen of the changelings to death when she threatened you."

"So she is dead?" Twilight says as she looks down at her notes to see if she understands right. "You killed her?"

"Generally when somebody has lost that much blood and you've snapped off their horn and broken their neck, then yes. They are dead." I look over at Celestia. "Right?"

Celestia stares blankly at me for a few seconds before sighing and shaking her head. "TD, I'm sorry to say that you only really killed that part of her. Yes, the body she currently inhabited was killed, but in order to truly kill Chrysalis, you have to kill every single changeling. Remember, she is a physical manifestation of the hive mind with a leadership complex. You... inconvenienced her for a few decades while she grows to her former strength again."

"Hmm." I crease my brow and stare down at an imperfection in the table as I mull over Celestia's words. Hopefully they won't be an issue, seeing as how I was hoping to go home in a day or two, but... "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Hopefully she learned her lesson about messing with me."

"Perhaps..." Celestia says quietly, though I can tell that she doesn't mean it. Chrysalis' words to me told me that she still held a grudge against Equestria for her defeat at the wedding. No reason she wouldn't come after me if she could.

Can't think about that right now, though. If Celestia is right, she has decades of re-growth time.

I shook my head and waved my still-human hand. "Oh, that reminds me." I unfurled my fingers and showed the group my palm. Two long, deep scars ran horizontally down the middle. "Did you know that changeling horns are really quite sharp? I found it out when I was giving Chrysalis her beat down."

~~~

Now that said beat down was over, all any of us could do was stare at the battered and broken form of what once was Queen Chrysalis. Her changeling brood didn't even move, they didn't even visibly breathe. They just stood there and stared. I dropped the horn on the ground and walked away from the scene. Now that Chrysalis and her changelings weren't a problem for me anymore, it was time for me to get out of here. I reverted everything back to my human form, and followed Oswald to a storage room. It turned out that he had been looking for me for a little while, and he knew where my stuff was. I got it all together and just walked out the front gate. Even if they weren't all connected to a hive mind, I don't think that anything would have really tried to stop me.

Well, with nothing else really to do, I kept going down the mountain path. I was rather anxious to get out of the mountains and to the Crystal Empire. It was another two weeks of traveling to get out of the mountains, and after that the weather started to get a little colder. I knew that I was getting close. Oswald flew off a week later to molt, leaving me to just keep going by myself. I followed Mesud's directions, and just kept going north-east as directed. It was another week-and-a-half before I found myself standing outside of the shield of the Crystal Empire itself. Surprisingly enough, nothing really happened between the changelings and here. As I'm sure you can imagine, the lands in between were pretty inhospitable to life. When it started snowing, I could only get in a few hours worth of traveling in some days. I'd just dig shelters and wait for it to die down. Eventually, I came here, and walked through that shield.

And here we are.

Author's Note

As a frame of reference, here is what TD killed Chrysalis with.

Twilight's Tribute

The room is bathed in total silence as I finish my story. It isn't really hard to see why. That was six years of my life that I had just told them, ending with me beating the queen of the changelings to death and partially changing my species. Heck, I had traveled across the globe, met a crazy pegasus, fought dragons, got my own phoenix, been captured and nearly killed by diamond dogs, been trained to fight by both minotaurs and zebras, been involved with, and won, a death match, been engaged to a griffin princess on top of being mixed up in the insanity of that nation. I did more in six years than most beings ever had in their entire lives. I'd imagine the only one who had gone through more was the princess. Even there I had probably done things she hadn't imagined.

And you know something? I am tired of all of it.

You ever walked around an entire planet and gotten into an amazing amount of adventures; gotten stronger, faster, more cunning, braved dangers, and seen things the like of which you've never conceived to be possible? Well, I just had for six years and I, more than anybody else, was just ready to wash my hands of it all and go back to a nice, pleasant, simple life. Hopefully on Earth. Heck, even Ponyville was looking pretty good at this point.

One step at a time though.

I had to see if my last chance at going home was actually going to work.

The first pony to even so much as move is Twilight. She ignites her horn and organizes the quite impressive stacks of papers of the notes that she wrote during my story. It somehow snaps the others out of their thoughts, and Rainbow Dash speaks up.

"So... what now, then?"

I shrug and look over at Celestia. "I think that all depends on what the Crystal Heart can do for me. If it can send me home, then great. If it can't..." My jaw tightens and I drum my fingers on the table. "If it can't then I guess I go back to Ponyville for the rest of my life."

"Would you consider going back to one of the countries you traveled to?" Rarity questions. "It seems that you made some good friends during your travels."

I shrug again. "Hard to say. If I have to stay, then yeah, I'd go back to a few of those places."

"I wouldn't go back to Griffonia for a while, though," Celestia says. She sighs in a way that indicates to me that she's been as unwillingly involved in all of that as I was. "Duke Fromme overthrew Aepnet in quite the brutal coup. Aepnet didn't survive, of course, and Duke Fromme is now Emperor Fromme. Clan Guiteau doesn't have any political power left." Celestia looks solemnly out the window. "I am only glad that poor Kathyrine was under Mesud's protection at the time, or else I fear she would have met the same fate as her father. She will be safe, though. Mesud has assured Emperor Fromme that if Kathyrine is killed, Saddle Arabia will invade Griffonia."

"Well, Aepnet reaped what he sowed." I follow Celestia's gaze. "Mesud really took a liking to Kathyrine, didn't he?"

A small smile crosses Celestia's face, and she turns her head back to me. "Mesud has quite the paternal side, and that certainly came out when Aepnet betrayed his daughter to that extent. He granted her the full protection of the Saddle Arabian government on a level equal to his own, and gave her citizenship. He told me that he thinks that it is important for her recovery if she feels like she is protected and belongs somewhere."

I give a smile that matches Celestia's. "Great guy, that Mesud."

"Indeed he is."

I nod, and the room is silent for a few seconds longer before I break the silence myself. "So... what now, then? I believe that I was to be granted an audience with Shining Armor and Cadance. We have a Crystal Heart to discuss, it seems."

The atmosphere in the room changes from one of pensiveness to one that has just remembered what all of this was about in the first place. All eyes turn to Celestia, who has to think about it for a moment before answering. "Well, it is difficult to say how long it will be before the two of them are available to see you. The Crystal Fair is only a day away, and they are quite busy. Maybe sometime tonight would work for them if they are not too tired, but I cannot guarantee anything."

I smirk at Celestia. "I waited almost a year to see Hansit because of some stupid divorce proceedings, and I spent almost all of that time running around the edge of the city. I can wait a few days more, as weird as that sounds coming from a guy like me."

Celestia smiles at me, and seems to be about to say something before we are interrupted by the door opening. Two crystal ponies bow low to the ground as they hold the doors open, and none other than Princess Luna in all of her spine-snapping glory walks in followed by Spike. Considering that Luna and I... didn't part on the best of terms, I tense up a little bit when I see her.

She, however, doesn't look angry to see me, despite the fact that the last words I said to her were essentially 'go away and never talk to me again.'

"Ah, TD. Our sister told us that thou had 'popped up again' as the saying goes." Luna and I exchanged wry smiles. "Though, when one sends as many ripples through the political climate of the planet as you do, ‘tis difficult to truly stay hidden."

I snort and flick my hand up in a sort of shrug. "Eh. Whaddya gonna do?"

"Whoa."

I look over at the source of the noise and see Spike staring open-mouthed at me. As expected, he's a little larger than he was six years ago. About three or four inches, if I had to guess. Still nowhere near as big as the ones I encountered when I found Oswald. I smile and wave at him. "Hey, Spike. Long time no see."

"TD? Is that really you?" he whispers.

I chuckle. "The last six years changed a lot about me, but they didn't change that much."

Spike gives an amused scoff and walks over to me for a fist bump. He grins excitedly at me and sits down at the only empty chair at the table. "So, where have you been all these years, TD? You've got to tell me what you've been doing!"

My smile fades, and I can't help but groan and facepalm.

* * * *

It's not long after that that the group all has dinner together. I gave Spike and Luna the barest of run-downs about my time outside of Equestria so they weren't totally out of the loop. It's more for Spike's benefit, seeing as how Luna knew about a fair portion of it to begin with. I directed them both to the notes that Twilight had taken for more information.

After dinner I decided that it would be a good idea to shave, get a haircut, and take a legitimate bath for the first time in I don't even want to know how long. After it was all done, I looked like a completely different person. If I didn't know better, I'd have said that Oswald had to stare at me for a few minutes before he came to the conclusion that I was the same guy he had been travelling with all those years.

Part of me wasn't sure that I did know better, though.

I lie back in the hot bath and let the stress and hardships of a good six years of work wash away. In its own way, it was cathartic to tell my story to them, even if I hadn't really expected to see them again. I was curious what all Twilight had written down about what I had said. Probably every single detail that I had told her, knowing her.

I wash the last of the shampoo out of my buzz cut hair and idly scratch at my bare face. It's been quite a while since I've had anything but a short beard at least, so it's new. It's kinda nice.

I hear a knock on the door of my room, something that causes Oswald, who is perched on the edge of my bed, to stir slightly. I smirk at him and drape a towel over the tub. "Come in."

The door opens and Twilight walks in, levitating a book of some sort next to her. She flinches back slightly when she sees me in the tub, but part of me thinks that it's more about the scars that she sees than the fact that I don't have a shirt on. She obviously can't see the scar from the bolt that hit me in the back, but the ones from Watt's knife and Purgle's first shot are plainly visible.

"Wow, I didn't know it was that bad," she whispers.

I snort and roll my eyes. "It really isn't as bad as all that. Not anymore anyways." I look over at Oswald who is preening his feathers. "He made sure of that."

Twilight gives me a small smile, but I can sense that it's a little forced. There's a hint of sadness in it. "TD... I wanted to ask you something."

"Shoot."

"Well, I took notes of everything that you said, and it was... quite extensive." She levitates the book over to me, and I see that it's more of a manuscript bound together with a leather cover. Emblazoned on the front are a few simple words.

Wanderings of a Headstrong Human

I laugh and shake my head. "I like it. It's... apt."

Twilight chuckles herself and moves the book back over to her. "I've already made a few copies. I just wanted to ask if you'd be okay with me making this an official published book. I mean, you were there for some of the most important events in recent history! You were involved in events that kicked off a bloody Griffonian civil war and were right there as it all unfolded? That's incredibly valuable data!"

"I think it would be." I motion over to the book. "Feel free to publish that. I'd be honored if you did."

Twilight smiles at me, and, with a burst of her magic, turns the manuscript into a more official-looking book. It's now a hard-cover book with a solid green cover. The title is larger, and it is followed with a sub-heading.

By TD Harrison Powell
Transcribed by Twilight Sparkle

Twilight smiles at me, and puts the book on my bed, where Oswald looks quizzically at it. He leans his head closer to the cover as if he's trying to read what it says.

"Like I said, I've made a few copies. Princess Celestia is going to put one in the Canterlot library, and I'm filing one away here, as well as putting a copy in the Ponyville Library."

I smile and nod. "Feel free. I'll definitely keep my copy with me. Maybe if I do get back to Earth, I'll re-read it a few times many years from now when I'm getting gray and laugh at it all." I snort and wipe some moisture from my face. "Though, I think that we all do that anyway."

Twilight returns my snort, but her face falls slightly, something that I don't fail to notice.

"Something wrong, Twilight?"

Twilight looks back over to me, but quickly averted her eyes with a sigh. "I don't know. It's just that... I think of you as a friend, TD. An ornery, sarcastic one, but a friend nonetheless. It was shocking to me when you just up and left, and now you might be leaving again forever." Twilight flattens her ears and kicks at the ground a little bit. "I know you want to go back to your world, but... we all kind of missed having you around in Ponyville, and having you back made us realize that."

Before I can say anything else, Twilight trots over to me with a determination that I didn't know she possessed at the moment, and passionately presses her lips against mine as if she's wanted to do this for quite some time. She wraps one of her forelegs around the back of my head as if she never wants to let me go, and I'm frankly too shocked by the fact that I'm kissing a pony to do anything.

At least, that's what part of me is expecting based on her behavior. Instead Twilight just gives me another small, sad smile. "I know all you've wanted for the past six years was to go home, and, well, if that's what happens, then do know that I'm happy for you. Very happy for you." Her smile widens ever so slightly. "It's always nice when you see somepony succeed at something that they've been trying to do for a while. Just know that you'll be missed, TD."

I scratch the back of my head and maintain my small smile. I wasn't quite sure what else to do, really. I mean, did I really count myself as a friend to these ponies? I wasn't a brony, and I never would be, but did our relationship go beyond what my preconceptions of them were based on the show?

You know... yeah, they did. Lauren Faust, I know that bronies everywhere love you for bringing these characters to them, but trust me when I say that knowing them on a more personal level is... cool. We went through some interesting times in the four months I was in Ponyville, and I think... I think that I'll, for the most part, look back at my memories in Ponyville pretty fondly.

Not being set on fire by Pinkie. That was terrifying.

The awkward silence between the two of us does end when Twilight clears her throat. "Well, I'll let you get back to bathing, and all. I know that it's getting late, so I'll see you in the morning for breakfast, okay?"

I give Twilight a two-fingered salute. "You got it."

Once Twilight walks out of the room, I stand up out of the tub and dry myself off. I throw on my newly cleaned clothes, and walk over to the book that Twilight gave me. I pick it up and lie down on the bed to leaf through it a bit before turning out the lights. I flip it open to a middle page just because.

We ceased our conversation in lieu of me taking in the full experience that Schunie had to offer. For a city, it wasn't that heavily populated. Based on what I saw, the population must’ve capped at seven thousand, eight thousand tops. Yes, I did say beings and not minotaurs: the streets were also littered with griffins and ponies. I think I might have even seen a few Diamond Dogs there.

The basic setup reminded me a lot like a larger version of Ponyville. There were a decent amount of multi-store buildings, but nothing like the rows and rows of them you get in a city like, say, Canterlot. Most of them seemed to be inns or taverns, with a few official looking buildings and set shops. Really, the type of construction that took up the most space was the glorified individual stall. Each race was selling their version of everything you can think of off the top of your head, and a lot that you couldn't: food, ale, weapons, armor, basic supplies, random trinkets… Everything was there.

I chuckle at how precise it was. She transcribed it word-for-word. I'm guessing there was some spell-work involved in that. I doubt that Twilight could write that fast.

I flip back to the opening page to start at the beginning, and am interested to see some new info on the very first page.

Wanderings of a Headstrong Human
By TD Harrison Powell
Transcribed by Twilight Sparkle
Foreword by Twilight Sparkle

Foreword? That's something that she didn't mention. I turn the page to see what she wrote.

Six years before the publication of this book, a new species came to Equestria one day out of nowhere. It was found in the middle of a field just outside of Ponyville by three of the foals residing there. It was taken to the local hospital where it remained in a coma for a few days. When it awoke, it was discovered that the creature was male, and the species was called a 'human'. More detailed information on what a human is can be learned from the research paper The Study of TD Harrison Powell. His name turned out to be TD Harrison Powell; known just as 'TD' casually. He soon met with Princess Celestia and it was discovered that she had been performing new magic on portals, and through a random happenstance, she brought him into our world. To the surprise of everypony there, he responded by punching her in the face.

Don't let this action fool you, though. TD, while quite ornery and definitely very sarcastic, is actually a pretty cool guy once you get to know him. He particularly connected with the Ponyville schoolteacher and the foals there. Despite all of that, his main goal was always to go back to his home world. Unfortunately, Princess Celestia revealed to him that she could not send him home. Not one to be deterred, TD left Ponyville and traveled all across Equestria in an attempt to find his way back.

This is his story, and I think that you will find it as engaging and fascinating to read as I found to listen to when he told it to me, Princess Celestia, the other Element bearers, and the now teenaged foals who found him when he first arrived. TD is ornery, sarcastic, stubborn, devoted, wonderful with foals, and has an insatiable drive to never give up, even when literally every single obstacle is thrown his way. He was a pleasure to get to know, and I consider him to be a good friend.

As mushy as it was, it felt kinda nice to read that. Maybe that was just the fact that I was back in a place around beings that weren't trying to manipulate or kill me, but it was comforting to read. I scratched Oswald's head feathers and he nuzzled up into my hand as I continued reading. I discovered that Twilight occasionally broke away from the narrative to clarify on a point or give some more details on the background or fallout of my actions. Some of that included my personality, which was funny to read. When I fought Purgle, Twilight wrote a side-note saying that I wasn't generally a violent guy, but my actions were further proof that I wasn't going to let some jerk's pride get in the way of my mission. I laughed at that.

I really, really wanted to go home. I'd been traveling for six years to find a way to do just that. It was still nice to know that I had a place that I could go to if I didn't make it there.

Author's Note

So. We've come to it. Is the next chapter the last one of this particular story?

... yes.

The Crystal Heart

The morning of the Crystal Fair arrives, and I am awoken by Oswald nuzzling my head. I open my eyes and smile at him. Having said that, looking at my fiercely loyal pet phoenix who has literally killed for me gives me pause for a little bit. I'm not quite sure what will be done with him if I can go back to Earth. I mean, he can't come back with me. A phoenix on Earth? Only Arizona should have that distinction, and I don't think Oswald would handle the change very well.

That train of thought leads to the realization that today is my final do-or-die day. Today I find out of I can go back to Earth or if I have to stay in Equestria, likely Ponyville, forever. The fact that one didn't really seem more likely than the other is intimidating to me, and my brain can't really fully process it.

Well, I think that breakfast is in order before I think on that more. Maybe it will help me calm down a little. Somehow I doubt that, but it's a good idea to get food in my stomach at any rate.

I get out of bed and put on my clothes before walking to the dining room, Oswald flying beside me. I enter the room to see that the rest of the crew is already there, including two ponies that I hadn't seen before during my story. I sit down at the table and nod to both of them.

"I take it that you're Princess Cadance and Prince Shining Armor?"

The two ponies, one a pinkish alicorn mare and the other a white unicorn stallion, nod at me.

"Sure are," Shining Armor says. "Twiley has been telling me all about what you've been up to. I'm probably going to check out the future Canterlot Times number one bestseller so I can get the full story." He chuckles. "Maybe I can get you to sign a copy."

I return his chuckle and dig into some toast, giving a slice to Oswald. "I think that can be arranged."

I lean back against my chair and wait for Cadance and Shining Armor to finish eating their bites before I speak up again. "So... I take it you know why I'm here."

Cadance and Shining Armor exchange a look before Cadance turns her attention back to me. "Yeah. We do. We talked about it quite a lot last night. We were talking with Auntie Tia and Auntie Lulu about how best to go about trying to combine their magic with the magic of the Crystal Heart." Cadance glances at Celestia and shifts in her seat. "Of course we had a few reservations. I'm not quite sure what that much magic would to to the Heart."

"That's ignoring the fact that we're not sure what the odds of success even are," Shining Armor points out. "It's a dangerous game you're trying to play here, TD."

I put my empty plate down and tap my finger on the table. "I've been playing a dangerous game for the last six years. I was sort of responsible for a Griffonian civil war and I slaughtered Chrysalis, which could have repercussions in the future. I think it's pretty obvious to everybody here what I'm willing to try to get back to my home world."

"We're not questioning your resolve TD," Cadance assures me, "we just want to let you know what our concerns are. This isn't like casting a levitation spell; there are a lot of unknowns here."

"I know." I take a deep breath and rub my hands together. "If you don't feel up to doing it I... I guess I'll understand. I don't want to do anything to you that makes you feel like I'm putting you or something important at risk."

"You want to go home TD, we get that," Shining Armor assures me. "Trust me when I say that we'll do everything that we can to get you there."

I give him a weak smile, and pet Oswald's head to steady my nerves. "Thanks. I really do appreciate that, even if it doesn't work out."

"That aside..." Cadance pushes her plate away. "I mentioned that we've been talking about how best to use the Crystal Heart to try to open up a stable portal. We think that it would be best if we wait until after the crystal ponies have charged it during the fair. After that, we'll take it someplace were we know it'll be stable, and my aunts can try to open up the portal."

"Understand this, TD," says Celestia, "we will only attempt opening the portal once. Should it not work..." Celestia goes silent, but she doesn't need to finish that sentence. I'm well aware of what the stakes are.

"So, speaking of the Crystal Fair..." Shining Armor says as he and Cadance stand up, "we have some last minute details to attend to with it." Shining Armor looked at a nearby clock. "It's eight thirty in the morning now. The fair starts at eleven. If you want to help with anything then you can. If not, just try to relax and enjoy the fair when it begins. It should only be about four hours or so."

Four hours. When combined with the time until the fair, I should be standing in front of a portal, or an attempt at one, in around seven or so hours. The thought that I've been in Equestria for over six years, and now I'm mere hours from possibly going home is exhilarating, but almost terrifying at the same time. Who knows what Earth will be like when I get back?

I stand up and allow a servant to take my plate and goblet. I mumble something about taking a walk around the castle to clear my head, and I don't think that anybody really blames me for that. I know that they're all feeling roughly the same thing that I am. I hope it doesn't interfere with them having fun at the Crystal Fair though. I'd hate to be that guy who ruins the party, which is one reason that I'm glad that we're trying after the fair is already over. I'd hate to fail in front of the entire population of the Crystal Empire.

I took a deep breath and began walking through the corridors of the castle, Oswald idly flying beside me. I suppose that I should be deep in thought about... something, but my mind is completely fuzzy right now. I can't even think of how the day is going to play out. All my brain is getting is static.

"TD?"

Ah, good. A distraction.

I turn my head back to see Fluttershy walking towards me. She has a small smile on her face, but I can tell there's a hint of sadness behind it. It kinda reminds me of the expression that Twilight had on last night. I return her smile, though a little wider.

"How are you doing, Fluttershy?"

"Oh... I'm good, I guess."

I resume my walking when she's beside me. "I take it you want to talk to me about something?"

"Kinda." She bobs her head a little. "I also kinda wanted to just walk with you. I thought that you might appreciate the company."

"I think I do." I exhale deeply and put my hands in my pockets. "What did you want to talk to me about?"

Fluttershy gives a quiet sigh of her own, and I can tell for the first time that something heavy is weighing on her mind. "I-it's nothing, really. I guess... I guess I'm just curious about why you've kept on going for so long, and why you're still going."

I turn my head towards her and raise an eyebrow. "Really? Why is that."

"I dunno," Fluttershy mumbles. "I just..." Fluttershy stops and turns towards me. "I don't know a lot about Earth, TD. The only things that I do know about it are the things that you've told me, actually. I know that I don't know how all of that portal stuff works, but how do you know that the Earth you left and the Earth you might be going back to are the same thing?"

"Oh, I know that they won't be," I admit, "but it's still my Earth."

"TD, I hate to play Discord's advocate here, but you're stronger, scarred, deadlier, and part changeling now. How do you know that you're going to fit in?"

"I'll have my family to help me."

"TD..." Fluttershy's gaze trails to the ground and she flattens her ears. "Do you think... that maybe your family thinks you're dead?"

I nod and cross my arms. "Yeah, I'd imagine that they definitely think that I'm dead." I raise my eyebrow at her. "Though this conversation has me wondering why you seem to be trying to talk me out of attempting to use the Heart to go home."

"I know that I'm being a little rude," Fluttershy mumbles, "and maybe this is just me being the Element of Kindness, but..." Fluttershy looks back up at me, her eyes wide. "TD, you've been hurt so many times trying to get home. It's almost killed you more times than I like to think about. I just don't know if I could bear seeing you be disappointed one more time, and I don't know if you can either." Fluttershy takes a step towards me and nuzzles my leg. "I don't want to see you hurt, and none of your other friends do either."

Friends.

I have to admit, even with what Twilight was saying yesterday, that's a new one for me. I know I said that I'd look fondly back on these moments if I got back home, but I hadn't really thought of them in my mind as friends. You know what, though? I guess they kinda were. I know that before two days ago I hadn't seen them in six years, but I guess I kinda missed them a little bit.

Talking with Twilight about my world was a lot better than being in a death match with a minotaur, after all.

I smile down at Fluttershy and rustle her mane a little bit. "You're a good friend Fluttershy, and I think that I'll be happy if I don't end up going home." Not completely one hundred percent happy, since I'll never be able to see another human ever again, much less my family, but I'll have a place to call home.

Ug, what are these new emotions? They are foreign to me.

A thought strikes me as Fluttershy and I stare at each other for a few seconds, and I glance over at Oswald, who has perched on my shoulder. "Hey, Fluttershy? I'd like to ask you a huge favor. If I do end up going home..." I rub one of Oswald's talon's affectionately. "Take care of this guy for me, will you? I know that he won't understand where I've gone, and he'll be pretty upset by it, but I can count on you to help me with him, right?"

Fluttershy's small smile returns, and she nods at me. "Of course I will TD. I'll do my best to make sure that he's happy with me."

I lean down and give Fluttershy a hug. "Thanks Flutters. You're a good friend. I really do wish that I could take him back to Earth with me, but it helps me knowing that you'll take care of him.

With that settled, Fluttershy and I continued our walk in relative silence.

* * * *

The two-and-a-half hours of down time before the Crystal Fair that I had seemed to drag on forever, but when I was standing outside of the palace and walking towards the fair it seemed that the time had passed in a blur. Funny how time works like that.

Just walking towards the fair made me realize how much effort the Crystal Ponies had put into making sure that this was the best fair that it could possibly be. Crafts, games, food, face painting, and the like were all around. There was a feeling of general revelry in the air, and I kinda got the feeling that the memories of Sombra had started to fade away a little bit. I hadn't heard much about Sombra, but a guy who enslaves an entire nation to do... something, I hadn't quite heard what the crystal ponies had been forced to do when they were slaves, can't exactly be the most benevolent of leaders, can he?

I decide to follow the Crusaders around the fair. It was nice to spend time with them after six years, and I think that they like the idea too. We go straight to the jousting arena, where Rainbow Dash was competing against one of the crystal ponies. We sit down in the stands and cheer Rainbow Dash on. I have a small bag of popcorn in my hands while the Crusaders are each munching on crystal corn.

The two ponies are decked out in armor and have jousting spears attached to their sides. They give each other a salute and take their positions, much to the delight of the cheering crowd. A flugelhorn, or something like that, goes off, and the two knights charge at each other. I have to say: it's kinda nice being on the other side of an arena match, particularly one where the contestants aren't trying to kill each other.

Well, Rainbow Dash has a reputation to maintain, so she sends her opponent flying back to rambunctious applause. I clap, while the three Crusaders cheer loudly, Scootaloo in particular.

After that we decide to just go around the fair and sight-see for a little bit. I have to admit that I'm enjoying seeing the crystal ponies having a good time. I make eye contact with one and smile at her, giving her a two fingered salute of greeting. She returns my smile and walks over to me.

"Excuse me, I've heard that you're called a human. TD is your name, right?"

I nod at her. "That's me."

She giggles at me. "That's quite something." She gives me a wide grin, and looks up at me with expectant eyes. "I've heard that you've traveled all over the planet searching for a home, or something to that effect. I've always wanted to travel. Could you..." Her expression turns a little guilty, and she flattens her ears. "Could you maybe tell me one of the stories of your travels? I'd love to hear one."

I chuckle and nod at her. "Yeah. I think I can do that." I'm theoretically not going to get another chance to tell ponies stories of my exploits, so I think I can humor her for a little while. The two of us plus the Crusaders walk to a public park area of the fair, and I sit down on a bench while she sits in front of me expectantly. I'm about to start speaking when I hear mutterings from all sides, and I look around to see smiling crystal ponies walking towards me as well, chattering to each other.

"Is that the human that Princess Cadance mentioned?" one whispers.

"He's kind of cute, isn't he?" another one says with a giggle. "Very strong looking."

The ponies start flocking around me and sitting next to the crystal pony who approached me. "He was just about to tell me one of his stories from his travels!" she says, clapping her hooves together.

The ponies gathering give an 'ooh', and I kind of figure that I'll have a bigger audience than I expected.

* * * *

"But those dumb dragons weren't about to get a one-up on me! My new pet phoenix bathed me in a harmless fire, but they believe it was quite real."

I chuckle and rub my hands together, relishing in the delight of the gathered crystal ponies. There are now dozens and dozens of them, all listening intently to my stories. They've been quite the wonderful audience, I must admit. They've had all of the right reactions at all of the right moments, and they're quite invested in it all.

"Once the fire died down, I puffed out my chest and said: 'You asked what I am? Okay, I'll tell you.'" I puff out my chest, and a confident smirk appears on my face. "'I'm a fire god. And do you want to know something fun about fire gods such as myself? We’re not exactly bound by normal rules and conventions… including the effects of our flames. You think the fact that you're a dragon will save you from what I can unleash upon you if you and your dull compadres don't get out of my sight right now? Here’s a hint: dragons are resistant to fire… but hellfire is not traditional fire.;” I cross my arms, just as I did when it really happened. “'You have three seconds to improve my mood.'"

The audience bursts out into rambunctious applause, and I even see the Mane Six and the royals clapping along with them, grinning widely. I take a moment to relish in the attention. I can see why Rainbow Dash has the big head that she does. All of this adoration is really kinda nice.

I would continue, but Princess Cadance walks up next to me and raises a hoof. "Crystal ponies: I dearly hope that you have all had a wonderful time here at the Crystal Fair, but I'm afraid that it is drawing to a close." Cadance's smile widens, and she looks towards the castle. "It is time to power up the Crystal Heart."

The audience gasps, but a loud cheer, easily twice as loud as the one for me, erupts through the crowd. The ponies shoot to their hooves and stampede in the direction of the castle, where Shining Armor has already placed the Crystal Heart in its position. I take a deep breath and follow the crowd towards the heart.

I see that two spires have appeared, one from above and one below, magically holding the Heart in place. The crystal ponies have gathered around it in droves. Cadance flies up and lands next to the Heart. She smiles at her husband before turning to her subjects.

"Crystal ponies, friends from other nations. It is with great joy that I stand before you today to once again celebrate the Crystal Empire and the Crystal Heart. Sombra reigns no more, and it is with great joy that I ask you to use the love and light within you to power the Crystal Heart once more. Let us share our love and light throughout Equestria!"

To my surprise, the crystal ponies don't cheer. They don't make any noise at all. They merely smile wide smiles and bow before the Heart. The ground beneath us glows blue, and I see the Heart glowing brighter as more energy is channeled into it. Within a few seconds, the Heart begins spinning until it is only a blur, and a wave of bright blue energy shoots out of it. The wave goes through the entire Empire, and I flinch back when it comes towards me, but it passes through me harmlessly. In fact, when I look down at myself, I see that I'm now a crystal human. My skin has the same sparkly glow that the crystal ponies have. I laugh and look up at Oswald, who has gone through a similar transformation. Have you ever seen a crystal phoenix? He looks pretty awesome, let me tell you. Oswald examines himself for a few seconds, not quite sure of what to think of the fact that he looks completely different now. He settles on a happy chirrup and lands on my shoulder.

I look around me and see that everybody who wasn't a crystal pony now is. Princess Celestia and Luna, the Mane Six, the Cutie Mark Crusaders, even Spike. They're all looking over themselves with awed expressions. I can hardly blame them. This kinda looks pretty cool.

I raise my hand and flick it with my other. It still feels like my skin, but at the same time I can tell that it is more solid. I'm going to guess that I'm not a fragile crystal human.

Now a loud cheer goes through the entire crowd, and I can hardly blame them. This has to be the high point of their entire year. I have to say that of all of the things that I did and experienced over the past six years, this is far and away the most awesome thing that I've seen. This is definitely one that I will never forget as long as I live.

* * * *

An hour of fun later, the Crystal Fair winds down and the crystal ponies go back to their homes. A few of them stay to help clean up, me included. It's the least I can do after being a part of all of that. My crystal form as pretty much faded by that point, but there were definitely photographers who took a picture of me and Oswald, which I currently had saved in my backpack.

With the combined magic of three princesses and the Mane Six, on top of the rest of the ponies who stayed to help, the Crystal Fair was put away until next year. If I was still here, I would definitely have to come back. It was an absolute blast.

I sit down on a park bench and take a little breather to recover from the fair. Oswald nuzzles my cheek, and I scratch his head feathers the way he likes. It's then that I hear hoofsteps coming up from behind me. I turn my head to see Celestia, Luna, and Cadance behind me. I know what they want.

It is time.

I nod and stand up. I follow them towards the castle, and we are joined quickly by the Mane Six and the Crusaders. Nobody says a word as we walk through the halls. None of us are really sure of what to say. I'm trying to think of what to say to them. once the time comes and we are at the crossroads. All I can think of is that it's only minutes away until I find out once and for all if I can go home.

As I walk to the room housing the Crystal Heart, I take a few minutes to reflect on my situation. If I can't get home, are are the past six years of my life all for nothing? Did I waste some of the prime years of my life on some fools errand that only resulted in crushing disappointment?

I...

Well...

No. No, I don't think so.

When I first arrived I certainly would have thought so. All I would have cared about was the fact that I couldn't go home. Now, though. Now I look back on it all and realize how much I've... lived. I've had incredible experiences that have shaped me in ways that I could never have imagined. When you go through something like that and come out a better, stronger person, nothing you do is wasted. Now, do I wish that I could have gone through all of that without killing anybody? Yeah. That's the one blemish for me. Chrysalis and Purgle were total jerks who arguably deserved what I did to them, but...

Well, it has to be water under the bridge now. I can't focus on that anymore.

We arrive in the throne room of the castle, where the Crystal Heart is resting on a large pedestal in the middle of the room. The energy that the crystal ponies gave it means that it is still glowing brightly. Seeing it like that, powered up as it is, gives me hope that maybe this will work. I turn to Celestia and take a deep breath. "So... what now?"

"Now, I try my portal magic with the help of Luna, Cadance, and the Crystal Heart. I know that I am strong enough to create the portal, but there are two things that I cannot promise." Celestia turns to me with a grim expression. "I cannot promise that you will be able to go through, and I cannot promise that the world that appears will be your own."

I give a single nod. "I understand. I know the risks." I adjust my backpack on my shoulders and tighten my grip on Reginald. I turn back to the gathered ponies; my... friends.

When did I get so sentimental? I guess it's because they've been a part of my life for a while now. Even after a six year break, I feel like we've somehow been friends for quite a while.

"Well, I guess this might be goodbye. I know it sounds weird coming from me, but I'm going to miss you guys." I look over at Oswald. "Hey buddy. Can you do me a huge favor and go stand on her back for a little bit?" I point at Fluttershy. "I promise that it'll be okay."

Oswald cocks his head and stares at me for a moment, but he spreads his wings and lands on Fluttershy's back. She giggles, and he nuzzles her mane. He already likes her. That's good.

"As for the rest of you... I'm not sure what I can say. You've put up with a lot that I've thrown at you, and you were there for me right after the Gala when I needed you. You're my friends, and I'll never forget you."

The ponies don't say anything. They just give me tearful smiles and walk up to me for a group hug, which I'm eager to accept. Who'da thunk it? In my most uncertain moment in six years, cartoon ponies are the ones giving me comfort. I'm quite glad for it.

The hug ends, and the ponies each file out of the room. Fluttershy whispers something to Oswald, and he doesn't fly back over to me. I know she'll take care of him.

I turn back to the princesses, all of whom are a little teary themselves. That's certainly never a scene I would have imagined, but there's a lot of that going around.

"Are you ready, TD?" Celestia asks.

I nod. "I've been ready for six years."

"Very well."

With that, Celestia ignites her horn, and the other two are quick to follow suit. They combine their magic, and fire the bright gold beam at the Crystal Heart, which begins to glow even brighter. A bright blue beam shoots out from the Heart, and stops right in front of the throne. The end of the beam starts to expand, and I feel a tightness in my chest as my brain registers what I'm seeing.

A portal is forming in front of me. It's the way home. I slowly walk up to it when it stops expanding.

"It's ready, TD. Whenever you're ready."

I nod, but turn back to Celestia for one last look. All three of them are smiling at me, their tears gone. I take a deep breath and turn back to the portal. I can't see what's on the other side, but I don't care. I'm not afraid, strangely enough. Sure there's reason to be, I suppose, but... I'm not.

Slowly I extend Reginald to test the portal. If it goes through, then so can I. The tip passes through the portal without incident, and my heart soars. It seems like it's working! I eagerly take a step closer and push my hand through it.

That's when my world comes crashing down.

I don't really register what exactly happens. All I know is that the next thing I'm aware of is that I'm lying on my back in excruciating pain. It feels like every inch of every bone in my left arm has completely shattered. Now that I think about it, that's probably what has happened. Through the shock and pain, I only have enough mental process for one thought.

It didn't work.

I'm... I'm stuck in Equestria forever.

I hear a horn ignite, and a bright ball of light floats down into my arm. It instantly feels better, and I push myself up. All three princesses are staring at me, looks of utter heartbreak on their faces. Cadance is even tearing up a little bit. I look over to Celestia and lock eyes with her.

"Celestia..."

Celestia rushes over to me and sits next to me. She wraps me up in a tight wing and foreleg hug.

"I... I'm not going home... am I?"

"TD, I'm so sorry. You fought hard. Do not ever think that this is your fault. The blame rests on me alone."

I feel my jaw quiver, and hot tears begin flowing from my face. I let out a sob and throw my arms around Celestia, returning her tight hug. I can't help but sob into her chest like a little child, broken and alone. I hear the door behind me open, and the ponies rush inside. I hear them gasp at what they're seeing. I hear them speak amongst each other, but I'm not really sure what they're saying. It doesn't really matter, does it?

TD Learns Some Odd Things and Meets the First of The Intelligent Races

I was awakened early the next morning by having a bucket of icy water poured on my head. Not being particularly fond of such an experience, I sat up, glaring at my host. "You jerk! What the heck was that for?!" I yelled, startling Oswald awake.

Soundspeed shrugged. "I had to wake you up somehow," he replied evenly, "so I got some water to do it."

I scooted out of the soaked sleeping bag and stood up, shaking the water out of my neck-length hair. "Okay, I get that part, but why did you feel the need to use icy water?!"

Soundspeed put the bucket down. "It worked, didn't it?"

I growled at the pegasus, but understood that I’d only get a growing headache by trying to reason with someone who, if not already off the deep end, was very well on his way there. I looked over at Oswald, who has one wing covering his beak, obviously trying to stop himself from laughing at me. I glared at him as well. "Shut it, you, this isn't funny."

He just snorted as well as a phoenix can and flew over to my sleeping bag, where his natural heat began to dry it off. I, in turn, turned to the hermit pony, whom was in the process of strapping a full saddlebag around his waist. I decided not to bother him for the moment, and instead, I walked over to my backpack and pulled off my sopping wet shirt, which I promptly threw over Oswald's head. I ignored his squawk of protest, too concerned with pulling a dry shirt away from the deep recesses of the bag, and put it on just as Soundspeed called out that was done preparing.

I took a few minutes to roll up my now mostly dry sleeping bag and secure it to my backpack. "Lead the way," I said, tossing my luggage onto my back.

Soundspeed snorted. "Do you know the reason I woke you up so early? It was so we could be out of here much earlier than this!"

"And we probably would have,” I retorted, “if I didn't have to change shirts and dry off my sleeping bag, because somebody decided that buckets of water are practical alarm clocks!"

Soundspeed opened his mouth to spit something back, but I suppose the small still rational part of his brain realized that I was in the right here, so he closed his mouth and settled for a glare and a jerk of his head towards the mouth of the cave. Oswald flew to my side as I followed the pegasus outside.

The sun was just above the horizon and the morning air was crisp and cool, indicating that it had only been morning for an hour or so. The rocks were slightly damp from either a drizzle the night before or morning dew. I considered taking a jacket out, but decided that it would be warm enough after the sun rose that I wouldn’t need it. I could deal with the chill until then.

I opened my mouth to ask Soundspeed something, but just then somebody put something over my face, blocking my vision. I stumbled a bit and removed it quickly, only to see that it was Oswald, who had gotten a little revenge from before by slamming the dry shirt on my head. I glanced over at the giggling phoenix and smirked back at him. It was too early to be mad for a decent little jab.

I rolled up the shirt and slipped it into a little side pocket before turning back to Soundspeed. "So what's the plan for the day? I mean, do you know how long it's going to take to get to the zebra lands?"

Soundspeed didn't answer for a good while, so long that I began to wonder if my perfectly reasonable question had made him angry at me for some reason – I'm sure you all know by now that his mood was a bit unpredictable. However, eventually he took a deep breath after a minute or two. "Provided we don't run into any Diamond Dogs, I'd say the trip out of here will be about five hours long,” he answered. “The rest should burn another four or so."

I nearly stopped in my tracks. "Uh, did you say Diamond Dogs?"

He turned back with a snap. "Did I stutter or are you going deaf?!" he yelled. "Of course I said Diamond Dogs, what else would I have said?!"

"Whoa! Calm down,” I said placatingly. “I don't know, I suppose. It's just that I've never really heard anything good about Diamond Dogs."

Soundspeed led me around a large boulder and down a little path that I hadn't noticed when I was traveling originally before he answered. “Yeah, they’re some nasty buggers for sure, but all you have to do is intimidate them enough and they'll leave you alone. They're cowards, the whole lot of them."

"I see. And what did you do to get them to leave you alone?"

I was half dreading the answer already.

A mischievous smile worked its way onto his face. "I killed one of them and ate his remains right in front of them. Haven't seen a single one since."

Now I did stop in my tracks. "Wait... what?!"

The pegasus turned around to face me. Only this time, he wasn’t mad. "Why do you think Celestia's so mad at me?"

~~~

I stop my story when Celestia lets out an uncharacteristically juvenile giggle. The ponies present all look at her with looks of bewilderment on their faces, while I just give her a deadpan stare. She manages to control her emotions long enough to ask, "Is that really what he told you?"

"At first, that's what he said, yes."

Celestia chortles once more, shaking her head. "You can rest assured, TD, the real reason is far more interesting than that."

"I'm sure it is," I say flatly. "Back to the story.”

~~~

Where was I? Oh yes, that's right. Soundspeed had just told me, in no uncertain terms, that he had murdered a Diamond Dog and eaten it in front of his fellows. Naturally, I was pretty disturbed by this. "So... did you really?" I asked gingerly.

Soundspeed shook his head with a snort. "Do my teeth look like they're built for anything close to ripping through solid flesh? Of course I didn't eat a Diamond Dog, dimwit, don't be ridiculous."

I breathed a sigh of relief, and Oswald chuckled beside me. "I guess I should have figured. But really, what did you do to get them to leave you alone?"

"It's a thrilling tale involving a fish,” he responded calmly, “a dried apricot, four bags of flour, and a torch. I'd really rather not give you any details, if you don’t mind."

I didn’t. There was no way I could imagine just what the heck he did with the supplies he listed, and I’m sure I don’t want to know even now.

I opted for a more prudent question instead. "So what are the odds that we'll run into some?"

"It's hard to say, really," Soundspeed said with a shrug. "I think we might be okay just because they know to avoid me, but one really never knows what's up with those flea bitten mongrels."

"I have a friend who dealt with them before. Her review was less than glowing," I explained. "I heard that complaining is an excellent way to get them to let you go."

He shook his head. "Not gonna work with the dogs around here. That might do it for those namby-pamby pups from Equestria, but out here, it's a different story. These dogs are much more resilient to that kind of thing; if they think you're too much trouble, they'll just look for their 'free labor' somewhere else. They just… wipe you off their record, so to speak."

At that, I gulped and began to look around nervously for any Diamond Dog holes that might pop up randomly. Thankfully there were none. I doubted they could pop out of solid rock at the drop of a hat… or at least, I hoped they couldn't do that. I didn't know much about Diamond Dogs aside from what Rarity told me about them, and now I really didn't want to meet any to find out more.

The journey progressed on in relative silence from that point. Every now and again Soundspeed would jump at a noise like a rock falling, and his blowgun would be out and pointed in the direction of the noise in half a second. It got to the point where his paranoia got to me, too, and I readied Reginald so that I’d be ready to fight in the instance that somebody actually did attack us. Of course, nobody ever did, and the trip would continue onwards like he hadn’t ever been scared.

The sun was high above the three of us by the time we finally saw the first traces of the flat grasslands that made up the borderlands between Zebrica and Equestria. I have to admit, it was kind of exciting to see a land inhabited by beings other than ponies. Sure, I knew Zebras are pretty close to ponies in the basic genetic makeup department, but they were unlikely to be ruled by a group that was out to pretty much get me under home arrest.

Or I hoped so, at least. I found out pretty quickly that you can never really tell with the other races, if you remember what I said about Chrysalis.

Well, anyway, once we got out of the rocky foothills and onto the grasslands, Soundspeed signaled for us to stop so we could take a meal break. Grateful to get my backpack off of my shoulders, I set it down next to a large tree stump, and Oswald took up his usual spot on top of it. I sat down on the stump and scratched his head feathers to show I wasn’t mad at all at the payback from before, which elicited a contented coo from him.

Soundspeed had taken his own luggage off as well, and was rooting through them for what I presumed was food and water. Sure enough, he soon emerged from the depths of his bag with a hay bar balanced on one wing and a water bottle on the other. Even though I was allergic, seeing they hay bar just reinforced how hungry I was, so I dug into one of my own pockets.

Fish jerky again. Oh joy. I bit the bullet and took a chunk out of a particularly large piece, then looked over at Oswald. "I don't suppose you can hunt something a little more palpable, can you?"

Instantly, he went into ‘search mode’, swiveling his head around, scanning the empty horizon. His eyes froze on a particular spot, and with a fiery swoop, my phoenix pal took off in the direction of whatever he’d seen. I stood up and sat back down in front of the stump so that I could use it as a backrest, taking another bite of the jerky – it was unlikely that whatever Oswald had found was big enough for the two of us to have a proper meal, so I decided to let him have whatever he had found and keep to my own sustenance.

I turned my attention from the vast plains that Oswald had disappeared into to my pegasus guide. "So, tell me a little more about yourself, Soundspeed."

“What?” His head snapped up from his meal. "Why in the world would you want to know anything about a little old pegasus like me? Are you sure you're not a spy for Celestia?"

“Again?” I groaned. “Seriously, dude, stop asking me that. If I was, then I would have already used Oswald to tell her where you were last night after you went to sleep."

Soundspeed shot his gaze in the direction that Oswald had gone. He opened his mouth, but I cut him off. "He's just getting lunch, not another pony. Let the poor bird get some food."

Soundspeed grumbled something under his breath, but he slowly swiveled to look back to me. "The question still stands of why you would want to know anything about me."

I shrugged. "Just making small talk, really. We could quid pro quo it if you wanted to: I tell you about me in exchange for a question about you."

Soundspeed narrowed his eyes, but he took a breath. "Okay, then, what do you want to know?"

I had to think for a moment to actually come up with a question. In truth, I’d been so certain that he would flat out refuse that I didn't even think up one. I did eventually land one, though. "Okay, why are you running from Celestia?"

"Next question," he said flatly. "I don't trust you that much yet."

I sighed, but nodded. "Fine. Next question. What did you do for a living before you came to be out here?"

At this his chest puffed out, and a smug smile spread across his face. Call it déjà-vu. "I was a racer, if you must know. A darned good one, too. I learned that I loved flying really fast during my mandatory military service, back when I was a youngster in Cloudsdale."

I raised my eyebrow in interest. "Cloudsdale pegasi have to do mandatory military service?"

Soundspeed nodded. "All able bodied ones have to enlist when they're eighteen, and unless otherwise specified, they're released when they're twenty one. If they want, they can sign up for additional tours of duty, though most prefer to go to the jobs that correspond with their cutie marks."

I scowled and scratched the back of my head. "Never heard of that before. I know two pegasi from Cloudsdale and they never mentioned military service."

~~~

"Wait, we didn't?" says, to my total surprise, Fluttershy. "I thought for sure we’d brought it up at some point."

My jaw practically hits the floor at the admission that the butter yellow pegasus has just made. I turn my gaze over to Rainbow Dash, who nods. "Guess it just never came up," she agrees. "But yeah, me and Fluttershy did our military duty just like the rest of the pegasi from Cloudsdale."

"How else did you think I became so good at medicine?" Fluttershy asks. "I-I mean, it wasn't trial and error, I had to go through training. Once I figured out that my special talent was with animals and I knew that I wanted to take care of them, I figured my military duty would be as good a time to learn as any. Of course I took classes before then, but I didn't get the bulk of my training until I signed on for military duty."

"You were an army medic," I say, hardly able to believe it.

Fluttershy nods with a hint of shyness this time. "Sergeant First Class Fluttershy reporting for duty, sir."

Jaw, meet floor. "You were ranked that high up?"

"I don't like to brag about it," she mutters. "I didn't really like the attention I was getting anyway, but I put up with it because I was helping ponies."

Rainbow Dash snorts and wraps a wing in around her fellow pegasus. "Heh, medical corps begged her to stay once her duty was up, but she wouldn’t have any of it. She just wanted to get to her animals right away."

"It's also where I learned to sew," the other continues. "I made a few bits on the side by repairing uniforms, and I liked it enough that I took a few more advanced classes in Ponyville."

"You don't say." I turn to Rainbow. "And you?"

Rainbow Dash shrugs. "Nothing special. I was just a private in the CAF reserve battalion, and didn't advance from there. My superiors always told me I was too reckless for that. I left when my duty was up, and that's really all there is to that."

"Did you learn much about combat?"

"Yeah, I learned enough to hold my own in a fight,” Rainbow nods, “though I made a note to forget most of the more advanced stuff, you know, the lethal part. Never wanted to use it anyway, and most of it was textbook."

I blink at the duo in pure, unabashed surprise, before shaking my head to clear it. "Huh, the more you know, I guess. Anyway, back to me and Soundspeed."

~~~

"Yes, I did my military duty just like the rest of us. You see, in its earlier roots, the pegasi race was a largely militaristic society." Soundspeed scratched the bottom of his muzzle thoughtfully. "Are they still teaching that Hearth's Warming Eve story? You know, the one with that cheesy pageant?"

“Yeah,” I nod. "I saw a presentation before I left."

"Right. Then you remember that all of the pegasi are dressed like they're going to war."

I took a moment to think back to the pageant, and realized I did see Rainbow and Fluttershy dressed in military outfits. "Yeah, from what I saw."

"Exactly," Soundspeed said with a nod. "That's because the race during that time was made up of a series of ten to twelve pegasus clans, all lead by one head pegasus called a 'flock leader' and his or her 'vice-leader'."

"Commander Hurricane and Private Pansy."

"In that instance yes, but we're going off on a tangent here. My point is, the original pegasus society was militaristic, and that trickled down to the point where you still see traces of it. Military service is one of those."

"And that's where you learned that you loved racing, you were saying."

"I set a company record for the fastest armored ten mile dash!" he said proudly. "I probably would have set the record for the fastest unencumbered ten mile dash if the wings worked the same way under both conditions, but I never could get my wings positioned so that I could get the most speed out of them without the armor. I know, it sounds odd, but that’s how it goes for me – I fly better when encumbered.

"But anyway, I did my service and then went into racing full time. I got even better at it than I was in the army. I was good enough that I made a living out of it." Soundspeed looked at his wings ruefully. "I still try to keep in shape with these babies when I can, but there aren't many times now when Celestia's spies aren't around."

I had to expend a serious amount of effort to prevent myself from rolling my eyes at him, but I managed somehow. Thankfully he didn't notice, so he turned his attention from his wings to me. "’Quid pro quo’, strange being. What are you called?"

"My name is TD Harrison Powell, but everybody just calls me TD."

Soundspeed cocked his head. "What does that stand for?"

"Nothing. They're just letters."

"So you had unimaginative twats for parents who just pulled letters out of a hat after your mother didn't want to expend the same amount of energy into naming you as she did giving birth to you, is that it?"

I gave the pony my best glare, but he didn’t so much as wince. "I wouldn't say stuff like that if I were you. There really is nothing preventing me from contacting Celestia to tell her where you are."

"Except for your 'Pinkie Promise thingie," he said idly. "You really seemed adamant about not breaking that."

Now it was my turn to be thwarted by logic. I decided to let the issue drop and hope that he wouldn't say stupid stuff like that again. "Anyway, I'm a creature from a planet called Earth, more precisely a human."

"I see. And do you have ponies on your world?"

"Not like your species. We don't have pegasi or unicorns, and the ponies we do have can't talk. I don’t think they’re even rational."

Soundspeed frowned. "Well, I don't think that's a place I'd like to live in, then," he said. “I’d feel completely alone.”

"Same to you about this planet," I tossed back. "Which is why I’m traveling to find a way to get off this rock."

Soundspeed was about to reply, but at that moment, Oswald came flying back and landed on my backpack. I smiled at the phoenix and scratched his head. "So, find something good for lunch, buddy?"

Oswald nodded proudly and squawked something in phoenix, pointing a wing in the direction he had just come from. Soundspeed and I looked out at the blank landscape confusedly, wondering what Oswald was asking us to see.

We didn't have to wonder very long. The ground about forty feet in front of us began to rattle, startling Soundspeed and I to the point where we shot up and armed our respective weapons. It soon became apparent that something was about to pop out of the ground. I chanced a glance back at Oswald. "Oswald, is whatever is coming out of the ground what you're saying you found for lunch?"

He nodded happily. I turned my attention back to the rapidly expanding hole in the ground. "What did your blasted bird bring here?!" Soundspeed shouted threateningly.

"I don't know!" I paused for a moment. "Do you think we should run?"

"Bah!” he snorts derisively. “I've never run from anything in my life except for my ex in heat! Unless she's coming through the earth to chew my ear off, I’m not about to bolt from this!"

I forgot my defensive stance for a moment as I stared utterly bewildered at the gray pegasus. Again, it just wasn't worth questioning, so I returned my gaze to the hole… just in time to see what Oswald had lured over here pop out of the ground with a loud bark.

There was no mistaking what the creature in front of us was. Collar around its neck; tacky, worn down vest with jewels stuffed in its pockets; bad breath I could feel from where I was; scruffy look… all of it told me just what my dumb phoenix had led to us.

It was a Diamond Dog.

The Clans

Well, I had decided that I had enough excitement for the day, so I figured that then was as good of a time as any to have a nap. I must have been more tired than I thought, as I was out like a light the second my head hit the pillow. You know something? I actually had a pleasant dream. I dreamed that I was actually back on Earth, teaching a group of human fifth-graders about World War One and how it defined pretty much everything they knew about the world. I was... happy. I was dressed up semi-formally, and I knew that this was actually my classroom. As in, I wasn't student-teaching, this was my classroom and these were my students.

~~~~

I smile and interlock my hands. "It was a little slice of home. It reminded me of pretty much everything that I had wanted out of life when I was back there."

Celestia lightly chuckled. "Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it."

I sat up in my chair and my mouth dropped open. "Wait... you?"

Celestia shook her head. "No, but Luna did. Dreams are her domain, after all."

"Huh." I frowned and leaned against the table. "So you could have done that at any time?"

"I'm afraid not." Celestia smiled sadly at me. "Luna can only do something like that when she has a general idea of where her target is. You were goodness knows where for four-and-a-half years before that point."

I grimaced slightly. "I don't want to ask how you found me, do I?"

Celestia rolled her eyes. "TD, I expected a little more credit from you. You had just been named the crown prince of the second largest nation on the planet. How exactly was I not supposed to hear about that?" Celestia's face flashed dark for the briefest of moments. "As well as what happened after."

"I'll concede the point." I tapped my cheek with my finger, and a small smile crossed my face. "I guess I have to thank you for not spreading it around. And... to thank you for the dream. It was nice."

"You're very welcome TD," said Celestia. "As for why we didn't come for you, it was your choice to leave Equestria, TD. I would not have forced you to return."

I snorted and grimaced as I looked out the window. "You know, I kinda wish that Aepnet thought like you did."

~~~~

I woke up some time later to discover that it was actually seven in the morning. Considering I had gone to bed twelve hours before that, I surmised that I was a little tired from all that had gone on. Either that or it was nice sleeping on a truly comfortable bed for the first time in close to five years. The little cots I got in Zebrica and Schunie were nicer than the ground, but they had nothing on a soft bed.

I sat up and scratched the back of my neck. Oswald chirruped beside me, and he hopped onto my bed next to me. I scratched his head feathers and he nuzzled into my hand. "Oswald, buddy of mine, now that we've gotten some rest, I think it's time that I find my weapons and armor and find a way to get the heck out of here."

"I'm afraid that you cannot, your majesty."

I hadn't heard the door to the room open, so I almost jumped when I heard the voice. I looked to the source and saw that it came from a griffin dressed in a slightly low-quality suit. A butler of some sort, no doubt. He took a few more steps into the room, and gasped when he saw Oswald perched on the bed. "No! Absolutely not!" He grabbed a rolled up newspaper that was underneath his wing and began swiping it at Oswald. "Away with you, filthy creature! You will not dirty up the bed with your claws!"

He swung the newspaper down again, but I was ready for him. I caught it and pulled it out of his grasp before swinging it down at his head. He flinched back, but I stopped just inches away from his plumage. "Not a good start with me, buddy," I snarled. I got out of bed and stood over him. He was flinching back at having almost been beaten with a newspaper, but he managed to keep a little composure.

"Er... yes, of course. I apologize for misinterpreting the rights of your highness' phoenix." I nodded and put the newspaper down. He cleared his throat, but relaxed when he realized he wasn't going to get thwacked. "My name is William. I am a lesser squire from the house of Czolgosz, and Emperor Aepnet has instructed me to take care of you."

"Wonderful," I grumbled. I smoothed out my wrinkly clothes a little as Oswald hopped up next to me. "So what's first in this farce?"

William's eyes narrowed ever so slightly, but he ignored my sass. "Well, you are first to have a breakfast with your bride-to-be. Emperor Aepnet has instructed that the two of you be given the morning to yourselves so that you can get to know each other. After that, you will attend a luncheon with the heads of the other three clans."

"Right." I stretched slightly and cracked my neck. "Who are they again?"

William actually managed a smile, almost as if he was eagerly expecting me to ask this question and that I had done him a great favor by doing so. "Well, there are four main clans in Griffonia all united under Emperor Aepnet. Emperor Aepnet's hails from Clan Guiteau of the northern regions. The second most powerful clan is Clan Zangara of the eastern regions. The western regions are the home of Clan Byck while the southern lands are held by Clan Fromme. You will, of course, be getting to know all of them during your time as prince, and indeed when you ascend to be our beloved emperor."

Part of me wished that I hadn't developed a little self-restraint after getting my spine snapped by Luna. It would have enabled me to bash William over the head with the newspaper and throw him out the window. How glorious and regal I'd look after that. Definitely behavior befitting a future emperor of Griffonia.

As it was, I figured I'd find myself on the chopping block for that one, so I merely nodded curtly and followed William out of the room. He closed the door behind us, and looked me over. He sighed and clicked his tongue. "I'd prefer to get you into something nicer, but our tailors have yet to create garments for you that are befitting of your new status."

"I'm fine with this either way, thank you very much," I snapped. "Seriously, can't you guys let me make my own decisions about this?"

William's demeanor became slightly colder again, as if he really wanted to tell me off. That would have been counterproductive for the both of us, as I might have made good on my idea to throw him out a window. There were plenty of them around. He held his tongue and swallowed his worst verbal barbs, though. He opted instead to clear his throat. "Well, Princess Kathyrine will meet you on the grounds. She's in the..." He made a noise of disgust. "Sparring grounds."

"She's a fighter, eh?"

"I'm afraid so."

William led me down the hall towards an exit. Every so often we'd pass a group of soldiers who would salute me or a pair of maids who would bow low to me. I refrained from commenting on it, though, particularly when the soldiers were involved.

William sighed as two guards opened a pair of large double doors, revealing the lush, colorful grounds around the castle. "She's quite the spirited one," William admitted. "Emperor Aepnet tried to raise her as a proper lady of Griffonia, but from a young age all she wanted to do was join the military. Emperor Aepnet refused, of course, but when Princess Kathyrine was but eleven years old, she disguised herself and joined a hunting party of some commoners. They were attacked by timberwolves, and Kathyrine barely escaped with her life."

I scowled and rolled my eyes. "So you're saying what happened with her is a reoccurring theme?"

"That is only the second time, as far as I know," said William. "I am unsure of why the timberwolves were successful then as Kathyrine goes on hunting parties targeting them alone frequently. It is possibly because her departed friends were amateurs. I do not know."

I decided not to respond to that. I also decided not to bring it up to Kathyrine my... blegh... fiancée. It probably wasn't the right thing to talk about.

Well, we made it to the sparring grounds after a few minutes where Kathyrine herself was practicing with a pair of wingblades far larger than the ones that Soundspeed had. Of course, her wings were much bigger, so there was that. A pair of stoic guards were watching her every move. No doubt Aepnet set that one up.

The two of us stopped at the edge of the sparring arena just as Kathyrine flew into the air. She had a training dummy in front of her that looked suspiciously like a pony. With a screech that reminded me of something between a lion's roar and an eagle's cry--go figure there--she dove towards the dummy, slashing with her wingblades and neatly severing the dummy's head exactly where the neck ended and the torso began. She spun in midair and swung down with her other wingblade, cutting the dummy in half. She didn't even look like she broke a sweat.

With one final motion, Kathyrine flicked the severed head off of the ground with one talon and casually flicked one of her wingblades out. It naturally cut the head in two vertically.

Well, I've had more ornery girlfriends. I'm not sure which ones, but I'm sure I have at some point.

Kathyrine's wings snapped back to her sides, and she wheeled around to face William and I, a glare etched across her face. "Well what are you looking at?!" she snapped.

William fluttered his wings ever so slightly, but he managed to retain his composure. "Your father requested that you and your fiancée spend the morning together before the luncheon with the other clans."

Kathyrine growled and spread her wings again. My, my, those wingblades looked sharp.

"He is never going to be my husband," she snarled, "and that whelp will never sit upon the throne of Griffonia!"

William rolled his eyes. "Yes, yes, you spent the better part of five hours last night ranting about it." William folded his wings completely and straightened his posture. "Nevertheless, your father has requested that he spend the morning with you."

Kathyrine scoffed. "Look, I'm glad he saved my life and all, but look at him!" She extended a talon in my direction. "You seriously think I'm not going to accidentally snap him in half before your stupid 'luncheon' crap?"

Okay, that was taking it a bit far for me. I narrowed my eyes and leaned in on the wooden divider. "Look, lady, I don't like this any more than you, but don't you think I'm some kind of pushover. I friggin' killed the last thing that thought I was."

A little jolt went through me as I said that out loud, but it got Kathyrine's attention for sure. She folded her wings against her sides again, but her snarl turned mocking. "And what was that: some little cricket or maybe a blind, half-dead pony wimp?"

"It was a minotaur clan chieftain," I replied coolly. "I fought him in a Schunie death match and won."

Well, that sure wiped the condescending smirk off of her face, but only for a moment. It returned, but with a small hint of uncertainty behind it. "Yeah? What makes you think that I'd believe something like that? I heard there was a death match with some weird creature, but what makes you think I'll believe it was you?"

I rolled my eyes and turned to William. "You could get access to Schunie death match records, couldn't you?"

William frowned, but nodded uncertainly. "Yes, I could. I'm not sure if it's--"

"Well then hop to it." I tapped him on the side of the head to drive my point home. He grunted something to himself, but began walking back to the palace.

Kathyrine flew over to me and leaned against the divider wall. "You really think I couldn't break you like a twig, don't you?"

"I'd like to see you try," I retorted. "You know that I'm not any happier about this than you are, right? If I could get away, I would."

Kathyrine snorted and poked my arm with a talon. "Well, you just proved my point, buster. I'd believe you actually had some guts if you just sacked up and got out of here."

"And have the entire Griffonia army bear down on me after a few hours?" I shot her a glare. "Come on. Not even you could get out of that."

Kathyrine matched my glare. "You're asking for it, buddy. Dad may want me to marry you, but if we do get married, I'm gonna have to teach you who wears the pants in our relationship."

"Didn't know griffins wore pants," I retorted, "but if you want to go at it: anytime, anywhere."

Kathyrine quietly growled. "Right here. Right now."

I told Oswald to stay and hopped over the fence. Kathyrine ordered the guards to go fetch my armor and weapons, and they were back in only a few minutes. Kathyrine and I had used those minutes to play the happy couple and glare daggers at each other. While the guards helped me put my armor on, Kathyrine switched out her deadly wingblades for practice wooden ones. They would still hurt like crazy if they connected, even with armor on.

When my armor was on, I snatched Reginald right out of the claws of the guard holding it. After not having it for so long, it was almost like reconnecting with an old friend. An old friend that I was going to use to beat the feathers off of my forced fiancée of a different species. Go figure there.

I spun around the second Reginald was in my hands, and it was a good thing too, because Kathyrine was not going to waste any time showing me who the boss supposedly was. I barely managed to parry her first wingblade attack. The ensuing vibration through Reginald left no doubt in my mind that this chick had serious power behind those wings, and she was in no way holding back.

As I continued to parry her flurry of blows, some of them clipping me every now and again, I began to realize that everywhere I went on this planet, I got into a fight in some form or another. The Diamond Dogs, the zebras, the minotaurs, everybody was out to get me. Now here I was fighting a griffin princess that I was being forced to marry.

Sheesh.

Well, she was so engrossed in being totally on the offense that she left me a small opening that I had no trouble exploiting. As fast as she was, she couldn't keep up that flurry forever. Her wings did begin to slow down a touch, and I made my move. I thrust forward with Reginald and landed a blow square in the middle of her chest. She squawked and stumbled backwards. I pressed my advantage and landed another blow on one of her wings right at the joint. If I could disable those, I would gain the upper hand and have an easy victory.

Kathyrine thought very differently.

Knowing that her wing would be a disadvantage, she opted for a new tactic. Namely rugby tackling me and slamming me against the wall. I dropped Reginald in the attack, and she began slamming her fists all over me. My armor absorbed most of the blows, but she got a few good ones in there every now and again. I threw a punch of my own that connected with her beak. She responded by holding that arm down and punching it right at the joint until I couldn't feel it. I hadn't felt anything break or tear, so I imagine that she just hit it until it shut down a little.

Well, my right arm was completely useless for the time being, but I managed to punch her a few times in the beak. On the third hit, I felt something wet on my hand, and I chanced a glance at my fist. Blood. And it wasn't mine.

With another snarl, Kathyrine punched me right in the side of the head with one claw and held my arm down with the other. I kneed her right in the gut, and pushed her off of me with my other leg when she curled up. I rolled away from her towards Reginald, and picked it up to begin the fight anew. She had recovered, and she swung her wingblades towards me.

Time for round two.

Well, it would have been if William hadn't decided to show up again. We both heard him approach, and we saw him walking towards us. He was levitating in the air and was engrossed in a scroll.

"Well, it turns out that your husband-to-be isn't lying, Princess. He did indeed win a death match in Schunie against a minotaur chieftain." William rolled up the scroll again. "Now that... that..."

I can't imagine that we made a very flattering picture. She had a bloody beak and was clutching at her gut while I had an arm hanging limply at my side, and several bruises forming on my face. A winner of a picture for sure.

* * * *

"It was absolutely disgraceful!" William snarled. "In all my years, I have never seen such behavior!"

I rolled my eyes and put an ice pack against the side of my head. "Oh calm down. It was just us having a frank discussion about important issues."

"Impor... importa...?" William sputtered incoherently for a few seconds before squeezing his eyes shut and facepalming. "You two are royalty!" His eyes snapped open and he glared at Kathyrine, who was wiping the blood off of her beak. "You are a princess! What makes you think that you can get in a brutal fight the moment I turn my back?!"

"The fact that we did it," Kathyrine retorted.

"Oh your father will hear about this!" William turned his head to me and fixed me with his glare. "And you! I expected better from you as well! Do royal couples engage in this behavior where you come from?"

I shrugged. "I can't say for sure, but probably."

That got him sputtering incoherent nonsense again. The way his eye twitched made it look like his brain had been broken. He finally managed to take a deep breath and regain some semblance of calm. "Our doctors will heal you to up so that you are at least presentable for the luncheon this afternoon. You will also be given finer clothes than what you are wearing, Prince TD."

"Don't ever call me that again."

"I will come to escort you to the luncheon in one hour's time!" William stomped to the door. "Try not to kill each other before then!"

"No promises," Kathyrine and I said at the same time.

William made a frustrated noise, and slammed the door shut behind him. Kathyrine and I glanced over at each other, and for the first time, she looked vaguely amused.

"You're pretty good at the whole sarcasm thing."

"I've practiced," I retorted.

Kathyrine snorted and tossed her bloody tissue away. "I may bucking hate the idea of marrying you, or even being in the same room as you for more than two minutes, but I respect a guy who can give as good as he takes."

I snorted and dabbed a few drops of Oswald's tears on my bruises. "Yeah, well, I can say that I appreciate your snarkiness too." I sighed in relief as the pain in my head went away. "I imagine you have a very back-east sense of humor."

"I'm not even going to ask," she muttered.

A door opened and a griffin came in carrying a tuxedo. Looks like it was time for me to get dressed. Kathyrine got the hint and began walking out of the room, but I stopped her before she could. "So the clans. What am I going into with this luncheon?"

Kathyrine smirked at me. "You're getting thrown to the wolves, Prince TD."

She cackled and exited the room, shutting the door behind her. I rolled my eyes and started getting dressed.

"So what else is new?" I muttered.

* * * *

Within an hour, William came to get me to bring me to the luncheon. He was giving me the silent treatment, which was perfectly okay with me. I mean really, how much does a guy want to hear somebody like him talk?

He opened the doors to the throne room, where a table had been set up to accommodate the guests. Everybody else was already there, so all eyes were on me when I entered. Oswald was flying beside me, and the look I gave the emperor when he seemed about to object clearly said that I'd really make life difficult for him if he tried to make Oswald go away.

The table was fairly small and simple, but fairly well-made. It was almost something like a regular carpenter would make, which was fine by me. Of course, Aepnet was sitting on a chair slightly higher than the rest of them, so go figure there. Since the table was so small, it didn't seat as many as I thought it might. Only the four leaders, Kathyrine, and myself.

I was escorted to my seat by William, and I sat down at the table. Our food hadn't come yet, but everybody but Kathyrine, who was seated at my right, and I had a little bowl of oranges in front of them. I didn't want to partake if they weren't in front of me, so I merely nodded to everybody.

My nod was first returned by the griffin sitting to my left. He was slender griffin, but not in the sense that he looked hungry all the time. It's just that he had a wirier frame. He extended a claw that I shook. "Good afternoon to you, Prince TD. I am Duke Zangara."

"Pleasure," I responded.

"I am Duke Fromme," said the griffin to my front left. He was much burlier than Zangara, and he had a deep bass voice to Zangara's tenor.

"Well, if you know anything about our government, then you know that I am Duke Byck." The griffin across from me to the right said. He was smaller than either of his fellows, and seemed older, but the fact that his eyes seemed to be x-raying me said to me that he was a griffin who didn't miss much.

I shook all of their talons, and said my greetings. I'm sure they could tell that I was uneasy around them. I mean, try having lunch with the four most powerful griffins in the world, and their bodyguards. Oh I didn't mention that? Yeah, each of them was accompanied by two guards, each decked out in full battle armor with wickedly sharp spears. They weren't messing around.

So yeah, try that some time.

I was more talking to everybody else in the room, Celestia.

Well, despite the fact that I was getting kind of hungry, the nobles seemed to want me to earn my food.

"So, Prince TD, where did you say you were from again?" Zangara asked.

"I didn't." I cleared my throat. Explaining where I'm from never gets old. "My species is called 'humans,' plural of human. I'm from a planet in an alternate universe called 'Earth.' I was brought here by mistake when Princess Celestia messed around with magic she thought she could handle, but she messed up with."

"I see." Byck 'hmmed' and continued staring at me. "And what brings you here?"

"Well, I'm trying to find my way back home." I unfurled my thumb. "So far I've met Diamond Dogs..." I unfurled a finger. "Zebras, and minotaurs." I put my hand back down. "None of whom have been any help in getting me home, and two of whom have tried to kill me."

"Indeed?" said Fromme. "Well, you must be quite the warrior if you can survive minotaurs trying to kill you."

"I take it you were the 'strange being' that entered into that death match with the leader of clan Banag?" Zangara guessed.

"That was me." My expression grew dark as I looked around the table. "He tried to kill me, and now he's dead. What does that say about me, do you think?"

Now, normally I wouldn't behave like that, but since I was going into a political situation where I had no idea what these guys would stoop to to get the throne from this moron, it never hurt to not present myself as a pushover. I'd had enough of that, thank you very much. If nothing else, I could tell that the other three clan leaders' minds were definitely working overtime to try to figure me out.

"So, you say that you are trying to get home, yes?" Zangara said after a minute of silence. I nodded, and he returned it. "So why are you now marrying Princess Kathyrine and becoming the heir to the griffin empire?"

I opened my mouth to respond, but Aepnet was quick to cut me off. "He saved my daughter's life. It is our law that he be wed to her."

"But what kind of an emperor would he make?" Byck retorted. His eyes still had not left me, which was more than a little disconcerting. I don't think he'd even blinked. "If his goal is to return to his lands, then what makes you think that he would even begin to keep the interests of his subjects in mind?"

"One cannot have two ultimate objectives!" Fromme agreed. His eyes narrowed. "Aepnet, you are our emperor, so I follow you, but I'm beginning to wonder what makes you think that you can force a marriage between this human and your daughter just so you can continue your line?!"

"It's a dangerous game you are playing, Aepnet," Zangara muttered.

Yeah, and I was right in the middle of it.

Kathyrine and I exchanged an awkward glance, while Oswald rotated his head to look at whoever was speaking as the group's discussion got more heated. If I had to guess, this was not the first time a conversation of this nature had happened.

"You're avoiding our reasonable questions, Emperor Aepnet!" said Fromme as he slammed his fist on the table. "Why is my firstborn not good enough for your daughter?

"Or mine for that matter!" Zangara snapped.

Aepnet nervously chuckled. "W-well, you know our laws. He saved the princess, so he gets to marry her."

"You always know how much I disliked that law, Emperor Aepnet," said Byck evenly.

"Yes I do, Byck. It only passed a year ago!" Aepnet retorted.

"And now here he is." Zangara pointed a talon at me. "The beneficiary of that law. When you pass on he will be one of the most powerful beings on the planet next to only Celestia herself!"

"And he doesn't even want it," Fromme grumbled. "You are the emperor. Just revoke the law and he can leave!"

"He will be trained to be a good emperor," said Aepnet. He gave me a fond smile. "You already know how little he likes giving up, and he is a powerful warrior surrounded by peaceful lands that prove no threat to Griffonia. It is not Celestia's way to try to take over if she senses the ruler is weak, which Prince TD is not.

"On top of that, do you think that the minotaurs could muster an army that could work together long enough to invade even some of our border cities? Especially when you consider that the largest forest in the planet is between us and them? Oh, and I'm sure that the zebras or diamond dogs will be eager to invade once he has taken the throne."

"But there is also the matter of the changelings." Byck replied.

"How can they stop us? They feed on love!" Aepnet snorted. "And besides, they were defeated by two star-crossed lovers. All of them were."

"Well there is more to being an emperor than defeating external threats," Fromme muttered. He tapped his claw upon the blade of his knife. "You know that as well as I do."

"Indeed I do, and that's why he'll be trained to deal with those." Aepnet smirked at the clan leaders. "I am young yet, so he has plenty of time to learn."

If I thought that it would help me in any way I would have spoken up by now, but I knew that all of this was bigger than me, so I just sat there awkwardly. Occasionally I glanced over at Kathyrine who had double-facepalmed long ago. I assumed that she was used to such things. My parents never really liked talking politics at the table. Her dad practically demanded it.

Thankfully the arguing didn't last much longer as a tiny bell rang signifying that our meal had arrived. A half-dozen or so waiters came, each floating gently in the air with a platter in one hand and a goblet in the other. My plate of food was set down in front of me, and my eyes widened when I saw...

"Is this... steak?"

Aepnet smiled at me and nodded. "Yes. Cow meat. I know the Equestrians don't really approve, but we need it."

"I..." I stared down at the wonderful, juicy, delicious steak in front of me. I hadn't eaten steak in nearly five years, and now here it was in front of me.

Well, the group all turned to look at Aepnet, who raised his goblet and took a few sips before spearing a piece of steak and popping it into his mouth. I assumed that the idea was that he had to eat first. Well, now that he had, everybody else began digging in. I speared a piece of the wonderful, wonderful steak on my fork, but I was shocked to discover that it disappeared when I blinked. I softly gasped, but turned around to see Oswald chewing on something. He swallowed and smirked at me with his eyes.

Right. Dumb bird.

I wiped my fork on my napkin and began cutting a larger piece of meat. As I did, Zangara turned to me. "So, Prince TD. What is your perspective on--"

His words were cut off when we heard a noise that sounded like somebody choking on something. I put down my fork, and looked around to see who it was. I looked over at the emperor, but he seemed just as confused as I was about the source. Nobody else seemed to be either, which left...

"Oswald? Are you okay?"

In hindsight, it was kind of a dumb question. Oswald was starting to turn grey, and he was clutching at his throat. I stood up off of my chair and lightly pounded him on the back. "What the heck is this stuff?!"

"It's just steak, Prince, TD," said one of the waiters. "It's meat, salt, pepper, and that's pretty much it."

Oh man, were phoenixes allergic to salt or pepper?!

Wait... no, that didn't make sense. We had eaten some beef jerky with salt and pepper, so it wasn't that. It was almost like he...

My eyes widened when the first thought of what it might have been entered my brain. Oswald was only weakly gurgling by this point, and within a few seconds, he had fallen off of the chair and crashed onto the ground. His once vibrant feathers were turning white, and he looked up at me with almost pleading eyes as if he thought that I could fix him. I would have, but my backpack with the phoenix tears was back in the room!

I don't think that it would have mattered anyway. Before my very eyes Oswald began to crumble away into ash. He was still now, so I can only assume that he was already dead. It wasn't more than a few more seconds before my pet phoenix, the one who had stood with me through thick and thin, burst into flames, leaving just a pile of ash on the floor.

The entire room was silent as I stared at the remains of my beloved pet. I have to admit, I almost wanted to cry. I know that phoenixes regenerate and all, but I didn't know if that worked for anything aside from natural causes.

"Oh no... Oswald," I whispered. I gently reached forward and touched the pile of ash with my fingertips. The second I did, they began to sparkle, and the ash raised into the air. The ash began glowing even brighter, and we were all blinded for a moment as a bright light engulfed the room.

When the light faded, I was delighted to see a very much alive Oswald in the air.

Oswald? Well, I'll gather that he was happy to be alive, but let me tell you something...

He was thoroughly pissed.

With a war cry that I had not heard from him since the diamond dog cave, Oswald dove down towards my plate and whipped it against the wall, shattering it and sending steak everywhere. I flinched back from a piece that got a little too close to me. Yeah, I'd had a pretty good idea of what happened.

I turned around to see Oswald standing on the table. His wings were spread, and on fire, and he was hissing at everybody sitting there. My face hardened into a glare, and I slowly walked up to the table myself. I leaned my hands against it, and glared at every single one of those jokers before speaking.

"Okay, which one of you bozos just tried to kill me?!"

Author's Note

The plot thickens! Who is trying to kill TD, hmm?

... Let's face it, attempted assassination is the only thing he hasn't gone through at this point.

Zoinks! Like, who's trying to kill TD, Scoob?

Debriefing

Well, that was quite the ending, wasn't it? I hope you enjoyed my presentation of Wanderings of a Non-Brony.

I would like to start out by thanking each and every reader I had. I do it for you guys. I couldn't do it otherwise. I consider myself a very lucky author because I have some of the most amazing readers that a guy like me could ever ask for, and I thank you for that whole-heartedly.

Now for the big question: will there be a threequel?

Yes. As long as there are TD stories to tell, it is my job to tell them. So, I don't know when it will be out, but the final canon story for TD will be released soon, I hope. I will call it The Life of a Non-Brony, as that is what it is. His life in Equestria. I'm just going to say it right now: TD never gets home in the threequel. It would frankly undo all of his character development, and none of us want that.

So, I have an editor for it in Marioland1, but one big thing that I will need for it is a cover art. I'd hate to pull some vector or screenshot off of Google. If any of you are interested in that, please do one and send it to me. I'll pick the one I like best. If you do it through Deviantart, I will give you points for it.

All that to say, thank you again for your amazing support. TD's story was never supposed to be this epic, but I'm glad it is. I love writing about him as much as you love reading about him, and I hope you enjoy The Life of a Non-Brony just as much, if not more, than this one. It will deal with things like how he comes to terms with being in Equestria for the rest of his life, what his life will look like going forward, and I will finally stop hinting at who he would marry and flat out reveal it. I know some people have an aversion to shipping, but I promise that I will do my best to make any relationships that he may have as good, and well-developed as possible. I owe it to you guys, and I like to think that I've done a good job subverting cliches with him so far.

You guys are wonderful, thank you or your support, and I hope you like The Life of a Non-Brony.

All I Can Do

I don't know how long I've been here, just sitting there in Celestia's forelegs and crying like a little kid in a way that I hadn't... well, probably since then. I do know that my mind keeps telling me that it's a dream, that I will wake up with the fair still on its way and the hope that I could go home still there.

But it isn't there.

Nothing is there at all

I am stuck in Equestria among ponies for the rest of my life. Heck, I'm even showing weakness in front of Celestia, something that I had never wanted to do. I know that she wouldn't think any less of me for it, but... well... no... did it matter? I'm not sure yet. I'm not sure if I'm embarrassed. Maybe a little. Right? No. I'm not going home. I can't...

So what's next?

Back to Ponyville, I guess.

To do what?

I can't go home.

I have to live with ponies now.

You could go to Saddle Arabia. Mesud liked you.

Same idea. More familiar faces here.

Why didn't it work?

You're crying in front of Celestia.

... Who cares? Do I? I dunno. Maybe.

I remember that the other ponies are in the room too, and I chance a glance at them. Fluttershy is crying too, and Rarity, who is tearing up herself, has her forelegs wrapped around her. The rest just look... deflated almost. They're all just staring at me with looks of pity and sorrow. They're really sad for me, aren't they?

I feel something on my shoulder, familiar claws that could only have been Oswald's I feel his warmth as he nuzzles my neck. I take a deep breath and wipe my eyes before giving him a watery smile. I stroke one of his talons, and he coos at me.

"I'm so sorry, TD," Celestia whispers again. "I will help you though this. Please know that."

I want to scream at her that she's done enough to me, but in the back of my mind I know that she's been doing her best to help me. She did try with the Crystal Heart. It's a national treasure, and she was willing to try it out to help me. I owe her that much.

I take another shaky breath and move out of her grasp. I run a hand through my hair and look over at the Mane Six and Spike again. I guess I'll be seeing a lot more of them. Ponyville, the Mane Six, being under Celestia's eye, trying to find a way to keep going, it guess that's my life now. It's time to go back to Ponyville.

Author's Note

Sure it's a "here is the sequel" chapter, but the mods said one of those was okay as long as it advanced the narrative. Well, I think showing some of TD's inner turmoil and sending him on his way back to Ponyville does that. Hope you like what I have in store for you in Life of a Non-Brony!