Chapters Chapter One
Twilight awoke to an incredibly potent stench. It slithered in through the window and up her nose, where it triggered her to wake up to put a stop to the disgusting smell. She threw the covers off herself and bounded out of bed. The smell was almost palpable. She, still being half-asleep, tried to blink her eyes awake. She saw Spike sitting up in his bed. He was awoken by the stench as well. Twilight stumbled around, searching for the source of the odor, when she heard a loud tapping against her window.
She whisked around to find herself looking at Rainbow Dash, her rainbow-colored pegasus friend, staring at her through the window. Rainbow Dash was carrying a large bag filled with something moist and dirty. As she neared towards the window, the smell hit her harder than before. Through slight tears, she opened the window and let the pegasus inside along with the bag. Rainbow Dash stopped right before the staircase leading down the stairs. She dropped the bag on the floor, and turned around to face Twilight.
"Rainbow Dash, what is that smell?" Twilight asked while trying to cover her snout with her hoof.
"Sorry Twilight, that's what I came to talk to you about." Rainbow motioned towards the bag, the origin of the foul odor. The pegasus bent over the bag and opened it up wide enough so Twilight could see the contents.
Inside was a rainbow-colored pile of poop, to put it bluntly. The light hit the feces at just the right angle so that its polychromatic essence reflected across the entire room, spilling rainbows on everything. The light died down, and the rainbows returned to the stool. It was a big pile of rainbow poop in a bag. The stench became stronger, but there was something else in the smell: spiciness. There was a distinct aroma of spiciness emanating from the fecal matter. Twilight immediately concluded that, thanks to Pinkie's demonstration of the spiciness of rainbows earlier that month, this was genuine rainbow poop.
Twilight, still dumbfounded that rainbow poop even existed, asked, "Is this some sort of prank, Rainbow Dash? YOu do know that I don't like those sort of jokes."
Rainbow Dash was defensive. "No, it's not a prank, Twilight! This is genuine! I was there, sitting on my toilet at home, pooping. When I got up to flush, boom, there was rainbow-colored poop in my toilet water. I freaked out. I thought you might be able to tell me how it happened."
Twilight thought long and hard about this predicament. She thought back to all of her research on stool and how its color changes. Sadly, she had not done any significant research on the subject, as it made her a little disgusted and queasy. She responded, "I'm not sure how it happened, Rainbow Dash. All I know about the coloration of stool is that red coloration is caused by hematochezia, hemorrhoids, beets, or tomatoes. Green is caused by lots of leafy stuff like vegetables. Orange stool is caused by foods high in beta-carotene. Most of the time, however, the main culprit is bilirubin, which comes from the liver after hemoglobin has passed through certain chemical changes that are too complicated to get into right now. Then the bilirubin travels and gets caught in packets of bile, which depending on the concentration of bilirubin, can vary from a yellow to a dark brown in color. Then, depending on how quickly the bile can travel through the intestines and how many additional changes it goes through can vary the color from green to brown."
Rainbow Dash looked at the unicorn with an extreme look of confusion on her face. “Can you say that again in English, Twilight?”
“To put it bluntly, Rainbow, I have no idea how this is possible. In actuality, this isn’t possible. This shouldn’t be possible. But yet, here it is. A big pile of multi-hued droppings. I am utterly baffled.” Twilight looked at the pile of fertilizer with more confusion than Rainbow did about all of Twilight's confusingly technical words.
“Well, can’t you run tests on it or something?” Rainbow held up the bag for Twilight to take.
“Yeah, I guess I could. This is actually pretty exciting, investigating something that isn't possible, or it would be if it didn’t smell so horribly.” She snatched it out of Rainbow Dash’s mouth with a simple levitation spell and held it a very large distance away from her face. She trotted briskly down the stairs and into her laboratory basement.
In the lab rested large computers, scanners of every shape and size, and several monitors for monitoring stuff. Rainbow didn’t understand much of it, but that isn’t what mattered. What mattered is that they were going to find out what made her polychromatic defecation polychromatic. Twilight rested the sample on a large silver dish. She trotted over to what looked like a large satellite dish towards the stool.
“Okay, let’s see what kind of electromagnetic waves this thing emits for starters.” Rainbow stood there in even more confusion than when she had originally come down as Twilight powered up one of the monitors. She threw a large switch on the wall of the laboratory and waited for the figurative sparks to fly. Nothing happened. She turned the switch back down and walked over to the monitor she had turned on. The screen remained black.
“This doesn’t make sense. It should be showing up some sort of radiation of a sort. This is supposed to monitor ultraviolet waves, but nothing’s showing up. That’s really strange. Something should be showing up, but it's blank. It's not emitting any form of ultraviolet wave, which would probably rule out anything above UV rays. But, why isn’t anything showing up?” After a few moments of pondering, Twilight suggested to herself, “Maybe I should try infrared and below.” She walked over to another switch and threw it.
The monitor cackled to life. It showed a very grainy image of the stool with brightly colored spots that represented the infrared waves. The image was dim, but Rainbow could still make out the sample on the dish. The monitor suddenly blackened. Twilight didn't move, so Rainbow assumed more was to come. The monitor brightened once again, this time a lot brighter. The scanner was humming loudly.
"This time it's monitoring microwaves." Twilight barely was heard over the large noise emanating from the scanner that was pointed at the droppings.
"Like the ones you cook with?"
"No, well, sort of. I guess."
They continued to watch the monitor. The sample was much easier to make out. It glowed brightly in the dimmed light of the laboratory. The monitor dimmed once more all of a sudden. Rainbow Dash thought the show was over, but Twilight motioned for her to stay. The monitor buzzed to life once more, brighter than ever before. The scanner made any other form of sound inaudible. The humming was ubiquitous. Rainbow tried to block the noise out of her ears with her hooves. The image on the monitor was immensely bright.
"This time it's radio waves! This is strange though, I've never seen it get this much readings before!" Twilight tried to scream over the loud humming of the scanner.
"What'd you say?"
"I'm going to see how the larger the wavelength the scanner looks for influences the amount of waves it picks up." She trotted over to one of the computers that was running the scanner. She tapped a few keys on the keyboard and looked up at the monitor. It glowed even brighter along with the loudness of the scanner's humming.
"I wonder how low it goes!" Twilight wondered aloud. Rainbow didn't even notice that she was talking, the noise was omnipresent. She pressed a few more keys. With each keystroke the monitor grew brighter and the humming grew louder. Rainbow thought her ears were bleeding. She pressed a key one final time and looked up. The monitor couldn't take the brightness it was demanded to project. It's individual pixels burst, sending sparks everywhere. The scanner itself caught on fire, which Twilight quickly put out with a nearby fire extinguisher. The humming finally went away, leaving behind a loud popping noise from the resulting explosion. All was quiet once again. Twilight and Rainbow Dash just stood there, standing at the polychromatic defecation.
“That was, surprising. There was so much activity on the lower end of the spectrum, it blew up my favorite scanner.” She studied the stool with more intensity. “But when it got past radio waves it sh-” She stopped abruptly. A wave of realization washed over her. “No, it can’t be. It’s only theoretical. It hasn’t been proven yet.”
“What hasn’t been proven?”
“Mira unda .”
“English please, Twilight,” Rainbow Dash said, sighing exasperatedly.
“Sorry, that was Latin. Mira unda , or literally ‘miraculous wave’, is something that if it theoretically existed would be below all other electromagnetic waves. Just below radio waves was speculated to be mira unda .”
“What’s so special about mira und whatever?”
“It is theoretically said to be able to be used as a source of extremely efficient energy. If you were to be able to harness it, just a small amount would power a whole city for several days.” Twilight looked over at Rainbow Dash, who was staring at her own stool uncomfortably. “Just imagine the economic benefits of this much energy!”
“What are you saying?”
“We’re going to need you to poop, Rainbow Dash. All of Equestria will survive on your poop.”
Author's Note
Don't worry, it'll get dark soon.
You don't know how weird it was to research what causes stool coloration variations.
People looked at me funny.
Chapter 2 - Oh POOP, You Never Let Us Down!
Chapter 2
Oh POOP, You Never Let Us Down!
~~~
One Month Later
January 1004 PE
~~~
“Daddy, what’s that noise?” the little foal asked as he and his father trotted briskly up the street. They were passing in front of a newly established factory, this one was producing these new machines called auto-trains. They were basically normal trains, but without the ponies driving it up front. Instead they were powered by new electric engines.
“That is the sound of progress, my son. We’re living in a new breakthrough in industry. These factories have been popping up everywhere ever since that pegasus started pooping rainbows or whatever. It’s predicted that soon Ponyville will overtake Manehattan in machinery production.” The stallion smiled down fatherly at his colt. “We’re living in a new age, boy. A brighter age. Things are looking up for ol’ Ponyville.”
~~~
Rainbow Dash cautiously opened the door to the library. She noted how quickly Twilight had switched to the fancy new light bulbs everypony’s been talking about recently, but none were on. The only light in the tree came from the basement, the laboratory. Electricity cackled and sparked down there as Rainbow made her way towards the open door.
She trotted briskly towards the bottom of the stairs, as situations were becoming more dire with every passing moment. There she found Twilight Sparkle, who appeared to be studying some large coiled wires. Large sparks of blue electricity shot between the coils as Rainbow Dash approached her.
Twilight turned around briskly. “Hello, Rainbow Dash! How’s my favorite pegasus doing? Are you here for your circadian excretion?”
Rainbow Dash just stared at the unicorn with utter bewilderment.
Twilight tried another phrase to her pegasus friend. “Your quotidian defecation?”
Rainbow Dash was now more confused than she ever had been before in her life.
Twilight struggled to put the words into more vulgar language. “Your daily pooping?”
Rainbow blinked away the confusion from her eyes. “Oh, yeah. Seriously, Twilight. Just use normal words.”
“No matter. Anyways, you may,” she shuddered, “poop in the dish over there as always, Rainbow Dash.” Twilight pointed towards a silver bowl resting on a short table. Underneath the bowl was a large, plastic tube that spiraled out and into the adjacent room in the basement.
Rainbow Dash walked over towards the large bowl and sat down. She just stared as Twilight continued to flip a large switch that sent the coils into action with more intensity and more sparks each time.
“I can’t poop with you in the room, Twilight.”
Twilight put down her clipboard and looked over at her friend. “Really? Why not?”
“Just, please. We go over this every day, Twilight.” Rainbow Dash sat there waiting for the unicorn to consent and slowly trot into the adjacent room. She called back to Twilight once she was done with her business.
Twilight walked over to a button on the wall in the other room and pressed it. The stool quickly shot out of the dish and into the tube, where it travelled through the wall and through a separation machine. Two tubes led out of this contraption, where the regular feces was detached from the mira unda . The excrement travelled onto the sewers, something else that was fairly new thanks to this power supply, while the mira unda went on into another machine where it was transformed in a generator and distributed all across Ponyville in the form of raw energy.
Twilight walked into the room with the coils, beaming. “Thank you Rainbow Dash. You don’t know how much you do for all us Ponyvillians each day. We’re in a new age: an era of scientific progress and revolutionary industrial technology, and it’s all because of you, Dashie.”
Rainbow’s ego was stroked, much to the pleasure of the pegasus. She played along with the humble card. “Honestly, Twilight, I don’t do that much. All I do is come here and poop in that dish once a day. It’s not that hard.”
“Would you be willing to do just a little bit more, for me?” Twilight stepped a little closer towards Rainbow Dash.
“Uh, sure Twilight. What is it?”
“Oh, nothing much. It’s just some dietary recommendations. Nothing too out of the ordinary, just some fiber-enriched foods to see if we can increase that, uh, poop count to more than just once a day at the most.”
“I do like eating. What kind of foods?”
“I just ask that you eat plenty of foods like beans, pears, apples, bread, and other foods like that. You don’t have to tone down on anything else you might eat; just eat a large quantity of these foods that are high in fiber. Remember that school time rhyme,
Beans, beans, the magical fruit The more you eat the more you poop The more you poop the better you feel So eat your beans with every meal.
It still provides some helpful advice even though beans aren’t a fruit they’re actually a seed of the Fabaceae , or legume, a flowering pla-“
Rainbow Dash interrupted her before she could go into too broad of an explanation about legumes. “Okay, yeah, sure Twilight. I’ll eat your beans.”
“Oh, thank you Rainbow Dash. Thank you. I thank you, and all of Ponyville thanks you. Also, maybe with this increase of outcome we might expand into places like Appleoosa. Isn’t that just exciting?”
“Yeah, sure Twilight.” The pegasus turned to leave. “Anyway, I’ll let you get back to your electric… stuff. Bye.”
“They’re called Tesla Coils, named after Nikola Tesla, a pegasus. Eccentric one, loved birds more than other ponies, but a great pony indeed. Maybe you’d like to sta-“
With that, Rainbow Dash slammed shut the door that led down to the laboratory. She sighed and took off, zooming away to get ready for her date with Soarin’, a popular member of the Wonderbolts. He had finally got enough sense to ask her out, after many attempts at flirting from her side, and she was determined not to be late for their first date.
~~~
One Month Later
~~~
Rainbow Dash stood in amidst the coils and wires of the new machine Twilight had installed. She did not yet know what it did, but she had a bad feeling. It had a large silver dish near the back of it along with several needles filled with a solution Rainbow didn’t recognize. She stepped out from the cavity in the machine in which she occupied. Twilight wrote down some numbers, and then looked up at the pegasus.
“Well, what do you think?” she asked inquisitively.
“Twilight, what does this contraption even do?”
“Oh, it’s just a work in progress. It should make the power output go through the roof in a few weeks. Just don’t worry about it.
“Now then,” Twilight trotted over to a linear graph on the wall. “Ever since you started eating all those beans and fruits and other such high in fiber foods, our output has increased significantly. You have gone from coming in once or twice a day at most, to coming in three or four times a day. We’ve expanded to Appleloosa and we’re even starting to get into Manehattan. And I would like to expand even further.”
“No, Twilight,” Rainbow Dash refused, “I’m not going to eat any more of those disgusting beans. I don’t know how people in Mexicolt stand eating those pretty much every day. They get disgusting after a month of eating them with every meal.”
“No, no, no, it’s nothing like that, Rainbow Dash. It’s just this pill right here.” She pointed to an orange bottle on the table. Inside it held several white capsule pills. “It will increase production of stool by tenfold.”
“Is it one of those laxy thingies that makes you poop a-“
“No, this is not a laxative, though they are very similar.” Twilight saw Rainbow’s disgruntled face. “Look, Dashie, we’re not asking for your first-born child here. It’s just a pill that you can take daily. If you want you can even do your,” she coughed slightly, flinchingly, “business in a bag and bring it to me like in the days before we had the converter. What do you say?”
Rainbow Dash was conflicted and uncertain, but after only a few moments of thinking, she agreed with Twilight that this was for the best and that it would be more convenient for both. She took the pill bottle in her mouth and slowly flew up the stairs and away from the library, suddenly being filled with an ominous sense of dread.
~~~
One Month Later
~~~
Twilight looked up at her creation. She cackled with laughter as she raised her hooves above her head. “It’s complete! It’s alive!” The machine made a slight beeping sound to notify its creator that it had powered on completely. Twilight laughed once more. “It’s beautiful!”
The door to the laboratory flew open. Walking down the stairs came Rainbow Dash. She was carrying a small sack that emanated a potent stench. She set the bag on the table and turned to walk away when Twilight stopped her.
“Wait, Rainbow Dash!” She galloped forwards and stopped the pony in her tracks. “Don’t go just yet. I want you to see my completed Defecator 2000.” Twilight led Rainbow towards the impressive machine that towered over the both of them. “Well, what do you think?”
The pegasus glanced around the contraption. She glazed over the inner compartment with its dish, weird panel things, and retractable arm half-heartedly. She glanced at the several lights and buttons on the outer shell. She also quickly noted the impressive stature of the entire thing carelessly. She turned to Twilight and simply said, “It looks cool.”
“Cool?” Twilight said defensively. “Cool? This is no simple machine, Rainbow Dash. This is the breakthrough technology that will bring all of Equestria into a new, golden age! It’s not cool, it’s magnificent!” She looked at Rainbow Dash with an immense grin on her face.
“Yeah, sure thing Twilight. It’s pretty cool.”
Twilight sighed heavily. “No, you don’t understand, Rainbow. It’s for you! It’s to help you help all of Equestria!”
“So, I poop in that from now on? Listen, I like just being able to drop it off in these bags you gave me. Can’t I just stick to these?”
“No, this is much better. You’ll stand in here, where the scanners will determine when the optimal time for you to start producing stool is. When that occurs, this retractable arm will deliver the injection that is very similar to the pills you’ve already been taking. After that, you will release your excrement into the dish where it gives power to all of Equestria! With this machine, Rainbow Dash, you’ll be defecating nearly every hour!”
Rainbow looked at the machine, and then turned to Twilight. “So, I’ll have to come here every hour?” she whined.
“No, that’s the beauty of it! You’ll never have to come here again!”
Rainbow Dash looked at the unicorn quizzically. “I won’t? But then how will I use the Poopinator 2 Billion or whatever?”
“You’ll stay here the entire time! That’s what makes it so efficient! You’ll practically never leave the house!”
“What? No, Twilight, just no. I’m not going to stay here forever. I’ve got a life. I’m outta here.” Rainbow Dash pushed aside Twilight and began to head for the stairs when Twilight stopped her once more.
“It won’t be forever. It’ll just be for a week. At the very most one week, and you could change all of Equestria!”
“How so?” Rainbow Dash turned around and studied Twilight, still highly suspicious.
“Think about an Equestria, much like it is today, but without the random blackouts that result from not enough stool production on your part. Think about all the things we have done in science since this all started three months ago. We’ve created automatic trains, amazingly efficient factories, and people are working on this new thing that’s going to connect all of the new computation machines together. Think about all of that. Once this is all over, you’ll be a hero, Rainbow Dash. Equestria will remember you as the pony that sent them into the golden age of Equestria. You will be immortal, and all it will take is one week of your life. One week for immortal glory. It’s not like I’m asking for your first-born child or anything, Rainbow Dash. Give me one week.”
Rainbow Dash looked at the machine that would make her immortal. She studied it with real intent, inspecting its every nook and cranny to see if an entire week would be worth it. After several moments of standing there, looking at that piece of technology, she sighed, “Fine, I’ll do it. But this is going to be the worst week ever.”
~~~
Two Weeks Later
~~~
Twilight slowly levitated the small umbrella towards her. She opened it as she began to turn the knob on the door. It swung open, revealing a large thunderstorm outside the library. A crack of lightning startled the unicorn, but she took a step forwards before a voice called out from the basement.
“Where are you going, Twilight?” the voice asked.
Twilight closed the door and set down the umbrella. She walked down the stairs and ventured into the laboratory. Once she had descended the stairs, she looked at the machine that was prominently standing out from the dirt walls of the basement. Encased in a harness device within the machine stood a cyan pegasus. She had a mane that was several different colors and purple eyes. However right now, she was either bowing her head in respect or drooping her head, Twilight wasn’t sure. Her mane in its current state was sloppily arranged and entangled. Her coat was of varying lengths, often times bare skin was showing when the hair was pulled out with teeth.
She slowly raised her head and addressed Twilight. “Where do you think you’re going, Miss Sparkle?” Rainbow Dash questioned.
“I’m going out to eat with some frie-“
“Our friends?” Rainbow interrupted.
Twilight stammered for a moment before replying, “Well, yes. Is there a problem?”
“Yes, there’s a problem, Miss Sparkle." Rainbow Dash paused. With new resolute, she launched into a prepared speech, "At the beginning of my fortnight here-“
“Wait, did you say ‘fortnight’?” Twilight was genuinely surprised.
“I pick up on things. Anyway, two weeks ago, you told me that it would take a week at the most to begin replication of the stupid waves I have in me. Well, look at us now. Two weeks in, and you’re no closer than you were before. Why am I not free to leave this freaking house yet, Miss Sparkle ?” She spat out those last two words, almost as a slave would address its master.
“Rainbow Dash have faith I am working as hard as I ca-“
“Oh shut up! I used to have friends, Twilight! I don’t know anymore! I’ve been shut up in this machine for two weeks! I’ve been force-fed beans and bread along with these dang injections that happen every half hour! I’m sick and tired of all of it! My friends used to come but now they’ve abandoned me here. I demand to be released.”
Twilight looked down upon Rainbow Dash for a minute, not responding at all. This sudden outburst was uncharacteristic of her. She looked back upon the past two weeks and she realized that she had been neglecting of the pegasus. She had gone out with her friends, their friends and just left her here. She was about to release her when she thought of Princess Celestia and all of Equestria. They depended on this nearly limitless energy. She couldn’t just throw that away because Rainbow Dash finds it uncomfortable.
After a minute of this silence, Rainbow Dash screamed, “Release me! Get me out of here! Now!” When still no response came from Twilight, Rainbow Dash responded, “Fine then. I’ll break out of these shackles myself.”
She pulled forwards on the harness. She bit at the belt loops. She stomped her hooves. She tried flying away. The harness was too strong. She managed to get one loop free, which allowed her to move forward a few extra centimeters, but that was all she could muster. She was too concentrated on destroying the leather straps when a beeping sound echoed into Twilight’s ear.
It was the beeping sound warning that the machine would give right before it gave Rainbow a shot. Twilight raised a hoof, outstretched towards the pegasus in the machine. “Wait, Rainbow Dash, stop!”
Either Rainbow did not hear the unicorn or she chose to ignore it, but either way, she continued to fight against the harness. The beeping sound ceased as the metal arm moved downwards, in its mechanic arm a large syringe. The needle pierced Rainbow Dash’s coat in the exact wrong spot, missing the target completely. Instead, the fluid was pumped into a cavity in which no organs lay.
Rainbow Dash stopped with the sudden pain in her flank. One of her back legs suddenly gave out beneath her. She began to salivate intensely. Violent shakings accompanied the salivation as Rainbow’s body began to slowly shut down on her. When injected in the right place, the fluid posed no threat to the body. However, it was floating freely throughout the pony’s body, causing her to be in severe medical distress. A slight amount of urine and stool leaked out of the pegasus as she continued to shake violently.
Twilight rushed forwards to the harness. She immediately undid the loops that were holding Rainbow in place. She then levitated the pony away from the machine and near her as she made for the stairs that would lead Rainbow Dash to the hospital.
Author's Note
I honestly don't know why this took me a whole month to write. Oh well. Here you go. Bask in its stupidity.
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Chapter 3 - Our Number One Test Is Your Number Two
Chapter 3
The door flew open. Twilight shoved her way through with Rainbow Dash close behind, levitating in the air. She spun around to make sure that the pegasus had made it through, and then bolted forwards, heading in the direction of the hospital. The rain cascaded onto the cobblestones as Twilight galloped in between ponies and through narrow streets. To increase her speed, she would teleport to a spot a little bit beyond where she was, not even stopping to take a breath before she continued running.
Eventually, she met the warm glow of the hospital. She burst through the doors, accidentally hitting a passerby, and raced forwards to the desk. She was screaming the whole way to the hospital, but she didn't realize it until just then. "Help! Help! My friend! Help! Please!" Doctors and nurses raced into the lobby with a bed on wheels. They grasped the pegasus in their hooves and laid her gently on the bed. Twilight took several steps back to get out of their way. The doctors shouted orders at the nurses while they quickly pushed the bed down the hall and out of sight.
And with that, Twilight Sparkle was alone with her thoughts. Tears began to stream down her face. Her weeping echoed across the room. She tried to hold the tears and sobs back, but it only made them worse. A nurse came over and sat down on the bench next to her. The nurse placed her hoof around the crying Twilight, trying to console her.
"There there. We'll get her feeling better soon, don't you worry. It's okay."
Twilight's tears stopped for a quick moment. She brought her hooves down from her eyes and threw them angrily into the air. "No it's not! It's not okay!" She turned towards the nurse. "I caused this! I could've prevented this! It's all my fault! I let one of my dear friends get hurt all over some stupid lights! How could I let that happen?"
"Shhh, shhh, it's not your fault," the nurse cooed.
"No, you don't understand, it is! I was so worried over how much freaking industrious Ponyville was but at the expense of what? My friend is dying back there! I put her there! I could've listened to her, taken her out of that wretched machine, but I didn't listen!" Twilight knocked over a nearby potted plant. Silence came over the lobby as Twilight cried more. Eventually, she came out of her sobs to say, much calmer now, "I was too worried over how great Equestria and Ponyville were that I ignored and neglected one of the reasons I love this place so much. I forced my friend to do this, and now look at her. Now she's going to die at my hand. All because of some freaking poop in a freaking bowl."
The nurse couldn't say anything now. She was stunned. This was one unicorn that could not be consoled. She simply kept her hoof on Twilight's shoulder and every once in a while tried to calm her down by shushing her.
Twilight was calming down, but her words were the same. "I caused all of this. This is all my fault." She raised a hoof and pointed generally at the hall where the doctors took Rainbow Dash. "It's all my-" She was interrupted by her own sobbing.
~~~
Twilight awoke to the sound of a doctor's soothing voice. "Ms. Sparkle," he said as her eyes started to flutter open, "Ms. Sparkle, I have news about your friend."
Twilight sat upright on the cushioned bench where she had spent the night. She blinked her eyes open as the stench of sterilization hit her nostrils. She quickly hopped off the bench and faced the doctor. "What's the news?"
"Your friend's fine. She had a seizure, but she's recovering. We're keeping her overnight just to monitor her."
It was better news than Twilight expected, but she felt the need to inquire further. "What caused the seizure?"
"Some fluid found its way into a body cavity next to her liver, but there was no perceived damage. We'll be running tests to make sure everything's all right."
The load of Twilight's guilt from last night piled back on her shoulders. She caused Rainbow Dash not only to be stuck inside her death-trap of a machine for two weeks, but she also caused her to be stuck at this hospital. She forced back tears as she quietly asked, "Can I go in and see her?"
"Certainly. We've contacted some of her other friends, if you would like to wait for them."
"No, I need to do this alone." Twilight walked past the doctor into the long hallway Rainbow was rolled the night before. She glanced in each room, feverishly and reluctantly looking for her friend. She wanted to - needed to - apologize, but she didn't want to do it at the same time. Rainbow would never forgive her. How could she? She'd imprisoned her for two weeks, practically tortured her with strange medications for the two months before that, and, by refusing to let her out, she caused her to be stabbed by a needle in a dangerously wrong spot, causing her to have a seizure.
Who could forgive her? Nopony in their right mind would want to even come close to her. How could she live with herself? She'd taken her dear friend and reduced her to what, an epileptic test subject gone wrong? What would she even say to the pegasus? How could she even face her after all that she'd done to her? How could she apologize for what she did?
Filled with loathing and guilt, Twilight finally found the room Rainbow Dash was in. A small heart monitor pulsed regularly, sending a piercing peep throughout the room. Rainbow was laying down, turned to face the wall opposite Twilight. She cautiously entered the room, trying not to disturb her friend. She quietly stepped on the linoleum, but Rainbow still heard her. Not moving from her position, the pegasus asked, "Is that you, Twilight?" It was cold. Tears welled in Twilight's eyes. Unsure of what to say, she just stood there, desperately searching for words she knew would never come. Rainbow's voice echoed through the room again, "Well, is it?"
Twilight cleared her throat before responding, "Yes. It's- It's me."
"Are you here to put me back in that machine?"
The pegasus' voice pierced Twilight's heart. She couldn't take it anymore. She fell to her knees, groveling. "Rainbow Dash, I'm- I'm so incredibly sorry. I should never have done what I did to you, no one deserves that. I don't know what got into me. I was only looking for the great of Equestria; I was trying to improve it. But, in my attempt to make Equestria greater, I forgot the thing that made Equestria so great to me in the first place: my friends.
"I tortured you. I shoved those pills down your throat. I strapped you in that death trap of a machine and then wouldn't let you out when you begged me to. I betrayed you. I used you. No, I abused you. I should never have done that, any of that. I treated you like cattle. I treated you like I was your puppet master, pulling the strings that controlled your sanity. I did all of it, and for what? A couple of factories? Electric lights? Things were fine the way they were before. I actually prefer candles, I was just caught up in the electric craze. Those engines were replacing jobs anyway.
"I'm just so, sorry, Rainbow Dash. I'm sorry. I feel terrible. I have ice in my soul and it won't melt. I'm sorry. And I know that you'll never be able to forgive me after all I did to you, but I just have one thing to ask, just one thing: don't hate me. You can stop being my friend. You can snub me for the rest of your life. But please, don't hate me. Please. Don't hate me. Please."
Rainbow Dash was facing Twilight now. SHe had a dead look in her eyes that was quickly replaced with empathy. After a long pause while the unicorn in front of her cried her eyes out, Rainbow responded, "Twilight, I- I forgive you."
Twilight went silent. She slowly lifted her head up to face Rainbow. "You what?" she asked, thinking she heard incorrectly.
"I forgive you."
"Why- How?"
Rainbow took a deep breath. "I've done a lot of thinking over the past couple hours. I've decided that it's all water under the bridge. You can't go back and change it, right? So, there's really no point in whining about it. So, I'm willing to put it all behind us, if you get rid of that machine. I don't want to even think about it ever again."
Twilight was shocked. She managed to stammer out, "It is done," before continuing, "Rainbow Dash, this is a side of you I've never seen before. You've really matured over the past couple of years, haven't you?"
Rainbow thought about this for a moment. "I guess I have. Now, if you'll excuse me. I have to drop some kids off at the pool." The pegasus threw the covers off her body, revealing a green hospital gown. She sat up, and swiveled her legs over the edge of the bed.
"Are you sure you should be getting out-?"
"I will not be confined," she said coldly. Twilight backed away a step as Rainbow focused on her hoof. She yanked the heart rate monitor strap off, causing the machine to make a continuous beep . She trotted into the restroom located in her room leisurely and slammed the door behind her. Twilight scooted next to the door.
"Maybe, after a few weeks, we'll go back to the way things were at the beginning. No diet, no pills, you would just come in every time the urge hits you. Of course, if that would be all right with you, Rainbow."
From the other room, Rainbow chimed in, "Yeah, sure. Why not?" There was some scuffling of hooves, and then the door flung open. "Actually, no. I won't be able to Twilight."
"Why not?"
"Because my poop is normal."
~~~
"Yes, it's from the injection in the body cavity. The fluid, when injected inside the liver works perfectly fine as a laxative-type substance, when exposed to the outer layers of the tissue, works as a toxin. I'm afraid that your genetic mutation will no longer function." The doctor stood in the room, holding an image of the area surrounding Rainbow's liver. He studied it, and then put it back into the manilla folder.
"Well I guess that's that, Twilight. No more poop, no more free energy. Sorry." Rainbow put her hoof around Twilight who sat on the floor next to the bed. She looked at the floor, despondent. The gears in her head were turning, however, developing an idea.
She raised a hoof. "Wait a minute, did you say, genetic mutation?"
"That's the only feasible explanation. It also explains why she is so adept at performing sonic rainbooms."
Rainbow Dash looked at the doctor with disgust. "That's what those rainbooms are made out of? Poop!"
Twilight raised a hoof at Rainbow this time. "Wait, Dash, you don't understand. It's a genetic mutation." The gears were at full speed now. The plan was brilliant, if the participants were willing to comply, and she didn't see any reason why they wouldn't. She lifted her head as an epiphany breached her troubled mind. "I have an idea. I need to make a phone call."
~~~
"Twilight, why is Soarin' here?" Rainbow Dash asked, motioning towards her boyfriend standing next to her as she lay in the hospital bed. Twilight had entered the room briskly, muttering something under her breath. Her attention was immediately drawn upwards to Rainbow and Soarin'.
"Yeah, why did you call me?" Soarin' asked as he rested his hoof on Rainbow's.
"Excellent questions!" Twilight beamed. "And they will be answered, I can assure you. I have an idea that will change the way this world works. You could be celebrities, the couple of the century. Even more famous than Shining Armor and Princess Cadence. Even more famous than-"
"Just get on with it." Soarin' called out.
"Fine. Okay, get this. The doctor said that your ability to excrete polychromatic defecation is due to a genetic mutation. Right?"
"Yes," Rainbow nodded.
"And genetic mutations are usually dominant, yes?"
"I guess," Soarin' shrugged.
"And you two have been dating for a while now, am I correct?"
"You are," Rainbow agreed.
"And it's the middle of April. Do you see where I'm going with this?"
"No," both pegasi replied at once.
"Do you know what happens in the middle of April?"
"Spring?" Soarin' suggested.
"No, in pony culture what happens?"
There was a long pause. Silence hung in the air for a long while before Rainbow Dash guessed hopefully, "Spring?"
"No!" Twilight began pacing about the front of the room. "How can I explain this more plainly?" She did a couple of turns before briskly swinging around, facing the couple once more. "Here, let's see if this makes more sense.
"When a mare and a stallion love each other very much..."
Author's Note
And you thought I tagged this story as Soarin' for no reason whatsoever.
Chapter 4 - The Poop Loop
Chapter 4
"You want us to what?" Rainbow Dash was sitting upright in the hospital bed, flailing her arms at Twilight Sparkle's request.
Twilight was appalled. "I thought I just explained. Do you want me to explain it-"
"No, Twilight," Rainbow interjected, "we got it. It's just so crazy that you think we'd go for a plan like that!"
"I don't see why this is that crazy of an idea. I don't see what the problem is."
Rainbow Dash groaned and looked at her coltfriend, who was unusually silent. Not noticing this, she continued on with her rant, "You're talking about first, having a foal, and second, handing that foal over to you to be raised by your sick machines that I just escaped from! I won't let that happen!"
"Rainbow Dash, it'll be fine; it'll be okay. I will only take your adorable foal for a day at the extreme most. No harm will come to it, I promise. Think of all the good you'll be doing for Equestria! Soon, after the tests are done and you have your foal once more in your custody, we'll have unlimited energy!" Twilight rushed over to Rainbow's bedside and waved her hoof in a mimicking manner of a broadening horizon. "Think about it Dashie, a world with no problems. A world where everything is right. There would be no fighting, malice, hunger, homelessness, sickness, or anything else that is negative in this world. A world without fear. A world of peace and hope."
"This is still crazy!" Rainbow Dash screamed. "Soarin and I aren't even married, not that we would be soon! You're talking about a whole life commitment, and possibly my entire Wonderbolts career, for a foal! I'm not ready for something like that, Twilight! And neither is Soarin! Right?" She looked at her coltfriend who briskly turned away and stared at the ground intently. "Soarin?" Rainbow asked again. He blushed slightly and feebly muttered something indistinguishable.
Twilight smiled and turned around, adding, "I'll leave you two alone to discuss my proposition." She stepped outside of the room and closed the door.
After nearly an hour of intense discussion, Twilight was called back into the hospital room. Rainbow Dash looked the same as she was before, but a bit more happy yet at the same time sad about what she was about to say. "Fine," she uttered with obvious distaste in her mouth, "but for one day. Got it?" Twilight nodded her head and then briskly left the room. She didn't want to impede on any more of the love pegasi's nuzzling.
~~~
A simple wedding was held two weeks later in the Church of Ponyville. It was beautiful, even though it broke all conventional wedding standards. Rainbow Dash had chosen the dress she had worn to the Galloping Gala while Soarin wore his usual Wonderbolts-blue suit. Ponies cried, especially Rainbow Dash's father and Rarity, and ponies cheered. It was a wondrous occasion. They lovingly said "I do" to each other and trotted down the aisle.
~~~
Rainbow Dash stood uneasily over the container before her. She was in a small, claustrophobic room with a dim light and a locked door. The intention was that if she stayed in there long enough, she would eventually have to urinate. A knock came from the other side of the door for the fifth time. Rainbow Dash called back that she was fine and that she would soon be on her merry way to peeing in a large container and then handing that rather large container to the doctor for testing. No worries.
She had gone through the rectum test, which she never hoped to do ever again in her lifetime, the ultrasound test, which was extremely expensive and cost quite a bit of bits, and the blood test, which could always be inaccurate. This test though, the urine test, was the surefire way to make sure that she actually was pregnant. About four months had passed since the wedding, and if this test came up negative, then she had accidentally lost the fetus. This was the only way of being sure so they could begin preparing.
But now she was standing over a pee bucket, and she wasn't exactly sure she wanted to know. She didn't want to send her possible foal to Twilight, no matter for how long. She knew that somehow Twilight would extend the time, just like she had done with her, and would keep her foal for too long. Or something might happen to it while it was over there. Or something horribly wrong could happen while- She stopped herself. There was no going back. She just had to pee in this bucket. That's all Rainbow Dash had to do at this moment right now: urinate into too large of a container. Why was the bucket so big? Was she really going to pee that much? Who pees that much? She put these questions aside, and after another inquiring knock on the door, she let the urine fly.
~~~
Ten months after the wedding, several mares gathered at Sugarcube Corner for a party. It was a foal shower for Rainbow Dash, hosted by Pinkie Pie. Many ponies came and dropped off rather large gifts for the fast arriving foal. In about a month, Rainbow Dash would be the latest mother in Ponyville. They sat and chatted for a long time, eating cake and other finger foods as Pinkie played loud music and tried to organize dances for the expecting mother. Rainbow Dash could hardly tolerate it, but she put on an obvious smile throughout the whole thing. This was all incredibly stupid to her, and if she had been in charge there would have not been a party, but a large bin outside her house labeled 'FOAL GIFTS' for ponies to drop off these stupid boxes instead of crowding around her with obnoxious music blasting from every direction.
She still put on a smile and tried to look appreciative and thankful while opening the presents too. Rarity had made about twenty 'outfits' for the foal. Applejack had constructed a wooden crib for it. Fluttershy brought some pacifiers for when the foal would scream and cry as foals always do. Fluttershy even claimed that pacifiers worked great on animals too, and not just baby ones, but after several stares thrown her way, Fluttershy retreated into the corner and spent the rest of the night there. As for Twilight's present, it was a rather large pair of socks, way too big for any foal to wear. When questioned about them, Twilight simply responded, "It'll grow into them."
~~~
Rainbow Dash didn't think that she would be a good mother, but then she held that foal in her hooves for the very first time. After crying its eyes out, the newborn had calmed down a little, sometimes raising its soft breathing to an all-encompassing scream of terror and sadness but eventually going back to that state of gentle breath it was in right now. She looked at the colt with extreme elation. Soarin crouched down to her level to get closer to their new foal too. They stared at it, wondering about the miracle of life that was in their hooves when the door flew open.
Even though she shouldn't have been back there, Twilight now stood in the room with Rainbow Dash, Soarin, and their newest addition to the family. "Oh, isn't that adorable?" she squealed as she trotted closer to the colt. "That is the cutest foal I have ever seen. I assume it's happy and healthy? All its bodily functions are working correctly? It's defecating polychomatic feces?"
"Yes, he has those gene things you were talking about," Rainbow Dash confirmed, and then muttered, "unfortunately."
She started to slightly and quickly inspect the baby, looking over the entire body and then listening to its breathing. She nodded at the young couple. "Congratulations! And soon, this little ball of adorableness will be mine for a week! You're going to be important for Equestrian history, you lucky you!"
"Wait, what?" Rainbow Dash sternly asked, already becoming a mother. "What did you say? A week?"
"Yes. Why, is something wrong?"
"I'll tell you what's wrong, you said one day last time we talked about this. One. Day. How is it suddenly a week?"
"Oh, Dashie, it's only six more days," Twilight cooed. "I'll have the little colt for an extremely brief week and then you can have it for the rest of tis natural life, under the golden age of Equestria once more. A week is simply too short of a time to be running the kind of tests I'll be organizing."
"But you can't possibly think that we'll-" Rainbow Dash stopped, and thought for a moment. She gave a heavy sigh, realizing that there was no point arguing with Twilight on the matter. She forced a smile and said, "You're right. A week is the perfect amount of time. I'm looking forward to it."
Twilight beamed, slightly surprised. "I knew you'd see things my way Rainbow Dash. It's for the greater good of all of Equestria! You have one week, and then I'll have one week, and then, within a fortnight, you'll be one happy family for the rest of your lives!" She galloped out of the room, closing the door rather forcibly behind her.
Rainbow Dash's fake smile quickly faded and turned into a grimace. Soarin leaned down next to her and whispered, "How long until you're able to fly?"
Rainbow Dash coldly responded, "A day, at the most."
Author's Note
Anywhey, yeah, pony pregnancy. This was really strange to research, even stranger than stool coloration.
I probably know more about ovulation cycles and pregnancy in horses and ponies than I do in humans. This isn't right. I'm scared by my own knowledge.
Help?
Next and last chapter coming out very shortly, don't you worry. I mean it this time.
Chapter 5 - Whatsit All About?
Chapter 5
Twilight awoke to another foul odor. However, this odor was familiar. She would smell it whenever she would send Spike, her library assistant, to get books that were high up or in other secluded places. A loud huffing noise followed suit after the stench. Twilight pressed her eyelids together more, hoping that Spike wouldn't try to wake her up. She had a hard day yesterday and didn't really want to deal with the world today. A fast tempo of thumping echoed up the stairs. Soon, Spike was next to Twilight, letting her smell his foul odor of sweat and the loud huffing and puffing of his breathing more acutely.
Spike gently shook her, trying to wake her up, saying, "Twilight, you need to wake up right now."
Twilight groaned and rolled over in the covers and murmured, "Ugh. Five more minutes. I had a rough day yesterday. Leave me alone."
Spike shook her more forcefully this time. "Twilight, you need to wake up right now ."
Twilight sat up and looked at her assistant straight in the eye. "What could possibly need my attention right now?"
Spike, humbled by Twilight's small burst of annoyance, backed away a step and softly spoke, "Rainbow Dash is gone."
"What?"
"Rainbow Dash is gone, along with Soarin, and their kid."
Twilight froze for a moment. "What?!"
~~~
Rainbow Dash and her family were fleeing from Ponyville. After a day of quick recuperation by Rainbow Dash, the night before they had took flight towards Canterlot. From there they would continue on to live in the mountains until they got a written agreement from Twilight Sparkle that she would do nothing to their foal. Without being able to see that happening in the five days they had left before Twilight would take him away, they decided to flee to secure their newborn's security.
They were stopped along a river somewhere in between Ponyville and Canterlot. Several breaks in their flight were necessary for Rainbow Dash, and Soarin was tired to from carrying their colt. They chewed on berries grudgingly, Rainbow Dash being the most annoyed, and prepared to take flight again when they heard a loud pulse of energy south of them. A dome of magic emanated from Twilight's horn, which they could tell because of the purple glow of the energy. It travelled towards them for a small time, and then quickly dissipated.
"What was that?" Rainbow asked her husband.
"A search spell, I think. Twilight's looking for us." He looked up at Canterlot to gauge their distance left to go. "We have to get moving quickly if we're going to reach Canterlot by noon."
"If Twilight finds us I don't know what I'll do to her for making us do this." She spat out a hunk of boysenberry and unfurled her wings. "She's going to ruin us, I tell you." After stretching, the small family took flight once more, headed north towards Canterlot.
~~~
Twilight took deep and heavy breaths. She stood on all fours on top of the Smokey Mountain where the Mane Six had been earlier to deal with the dragon. Behind her was her large hot-air balloon, which contained the rest of the Mane Six, minus Rainbow Dash. Fluttershy, however, was standing in front of the balloon, tied by a rope to the basket along with several other pegasi that Twilight had rallied to the cause.
From up here, Twilight could see a large radius around her. Surely from up here, if she put enough power behind her search spell, she would be able to locate Rainbow Dash. She focused on that image strongly in her head, Rainbow Dash's image. She took another deep breath as she released small amounts of energy into her horn with each breath. With each passing moment, the aura surrounding her horn grew and grew until it was the size of a pillar of fire emanating from her forehead. With great muster, she propelled the magical energy forwards in all directions.
The purple wave of mana zoomed out in front of her. She span around on her hoof to see if the spell had been powerful enough. She turned three times and was about to give up hope when off in the distance her wave of magic found what she was looking for. A white dot burned clearly through everything in her way. She knew where Rainbow Dash was. She proudly proclaimed that they were headed north and hopped in the balloon. She quickly but gently urged Fluttershy and the other pegasi to lead the way, and they set off towards the dot that was burning in Twilight's eyes.
~~~
Rainbow Dash and Soarin were panicking now. The foal on Soarin's back had no idea what his parents were discussing, but it didn't sound fun. He made it so they couldn't talk anymore, but they just shouted over his cries. This displeased him, so he cried more. His parents continued screaming to one another while they were flying through the air.
"Twilight's gonna find us! She's going to take him away!" Rainbow Dash was crying, partly from the wind, but mostly from the realization that came along with the wave of magic that passed through her not long before.
"It'll be fine, Dashie," Soarin consoled. "We'll just split up. She only was looking for you, so we'll just split up, okay? It'll be a while before they catch up with us, so I'll take him to the mountain we decided on, and you go to Canterlot. I'll stay at the mountain until you get her to agree that she won't do anything, and then we can meet up again, okay?" Rainbow Dash nodded, biting her lip. Soarin said his final goodbyes to her and then turned sharply to the right, where a beam of light struck him in the ribs.
He was knocked forwards, letting the small foal fall off his back. He staggered to regain his balance, but then he noticed his only child falling to his death. He turned and saw the balloon being pulled furiously quickly by multiple pegasi with Twilight driving them forward. It had been Twilight that struck him with a bolt of magic. Soarin panicked and turned back to his son, but Rainbow Dash was already diving down to catch him.
She raced downwards as quickly as she's ever gone before. Both her hooves were in front of her now, causing a tear to appear before her in the air. Tears welled in her eyes and flew past behind her. Her foal was in sight again, but he was still very far away. He was falling towards a ledge overlooking a large drop. He would land on the ledge, but that would still kill him. She had to save him before he reached the bottom. She sped up, fueled by motherly love, despite her recent pregnancy and lack of flying for the past several months. A slight rainbow coned around her as she reached closer and closer to the sound barrier.
She and the rainbow cone sped towards the foal with much more speed now, but not enough. She reached her baby colt as it reached the ground. The wave of a rainbow that signified a sonic rainboom blew out in all directions, rippling across the rocky surface of the ledge. She bounced off the earth, foal in hand, and kept bouncing right up to the edge of the cliff. A crater was left where the sonic rainboom had occured, one filled with color. Cracks appeared in the rock next to Rainbow Dash as she clutched her newborn tightly, refusing to believe what she knew was true.
Soarin quickly sped down to the ground, but a safe distance away from the large crack in the ground near Rainbow Dash. Twilight and her balloon party also landed near Soarin. Twilight hopped out and trotted forwards and then realized the crack and scooted backwards. Rainbow Dash was crying.
"Rainbow Dash," called Twilight, "back away from the ledge. Everything's going to be fine if you just back away from the edge."
Rainbow Dash looked up from the crumpled pony in her hooves. "Everything's going to be fine? Everything's going to be fine?! My only foal is dead, Twilight! He's dead! You killed him!"
"I'm deeply sorry, Rainbow. I had no intention of ending his-"
"Sorry? You're sorry?! I don't care if you're sorry! He's dead! Look at what you've done!" Rainbow Dash held out her dead foal. The blue coat was smeared with blood. His dark, rainbow mane was splattered with drops of blood and tears. His eyes were closed. Several legs were bent out of shape. Rainbow Dash herself could hardly move on account of her broken foreleg. She still managed to clutch the colt in her arms, still crying.
"Rainbow Dash, it'll be fine. Just calm down. Come with me and-"
"No! Come with you and do what? Have another foal for you experiments? Never! Never again! I won't let you!" The crack became larger. "You treated me like a slave, Twilight! I won't let you do that to anypony else!"
"Dashie," Soarin cooed, " come here. Get away from the edge. Please. Dashie..."
"I'm sorry, Soarin. I can't. If I survive Twilight will just use me again. She can't be trusted."
"That won't happen, Rainbow Dash. You can trust me."
"I trusted you when you said a week! You said a week! You said it wouldn't hurt! You said you'd only have him for a day! You said all these things, and they were all wrong!" The crack grew.
"Dashie..." Soarin was crying now.
"I won't let you do to anypony else what you did to me, Twilight. And I'll make sure of it." Rainbow Dash stood up now, standing on three feet to avoid pain to her broken leg. The crack grew once more. "Never again."
"Rainbow Dash!"
"Rainbow Dash..."
"Goodbye, Soarin." The fracture snapped at the edge of the cliff. The rocks tumbled down the side and cascaded to the bottom of the drop. Rainbow Dash died instantly when she hit the bottom. The ground and rocks tore through her body like paper, sending bits of blood everywhere. Soarin broke down, crying on the edge of where his wife just died. Twilight also began to cry, horrified at what she'd done. The rest of the ponies in the balloon stood with absolute horror and shock. Some of them also began to cry.
So dies the nameless foal of Rainbow Dash.
So dies the first and last slave of Equestria.
THE END
Author's Note
Welp. That's the end. Thanks for putting up with the stupendously long wait times in between chapters, guys. I hope this happy ending makes up for it.
I would like to thank everyone who read a single word of this stupid story, especially those that word all of the words. I'd also like to thank those that gave it a thumbs up and also those that gave it a thumbs down. Thanks for reading and I'll see you when my next terrible story comes out.
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Author's Commentary - Poop, Horse Breeding, and Writing
Author's Commentary
I decided to write some author's commentary on facts and other stuff about writing this fanfiction because I wanted to, and you can't stop me from doing it. So here I go:
This all started when I took a shower over Winter Break. I was thinking about the common idea that unicorns and pegasi poop rainbows. I found this to be funny in a strange way, and usually didn't entertain the idea. But in this shower, I asked the fateful question, "What if ponies actually pooped rainbows?" These 'what if' questions often lead to the beginning of many of my stories; even my full-length novel, Shard, started off as a 'what if' question. I then proceeded to narrow the question down to a simpler, "What if Rainbow Dash" because of all the rainbooms and rainbow mane and stuff, " pooped rainbows?"
The story you have before you is my answer to that question. This is exactly what I think would happen in pony society if a somepony was discovered to have mystical rainbow poop. I earnestly believe that this is what would happen. So if you believe otherwise, so be it.
I immediately sat down and began writing this epic tale. Yes, from the very beginning I knew how it was going to end. I basically knew the entire outline of the story from that very first showering. Of course, it took many more showers to iron out the details, but you get the picture. I knew that there was going to be some machine that Rainbow Dash would be locked in. I knew that there was going to be a foal that would be tossed into the mix. I knew that there was going to be this chase scene. And I knew that Rainbow Dash and her foal were going to die.
I researched what caused changes in stool coloration. I discovered that it was caused by bilirubin, chemically changed hemoglobin that is secreted by the liver into bile. For more information on this, there are actually a plethora of sites to visit. Such as this one , this one , and even this one .
Here, I must take a break and issue a statement. To the ponies in this story, I had to apply human types of medical information and mix it with horse types. These ponies can talk like humans, so I'm going to assume that they function very similarly to humans. I'm not going to get a degree in Horseology for a fanfiction (yes that is a real degree, no I'm not making that up). Horses can have seizures , but I mixed these symptoms with ones found in humans to be more accurate. This is just one example. There are sites on horse feces , more commonly called manure, but, to be honest, the very fact that there are sites about horse manure creeps me out. The very fact that there are forums about horses freaks me out. The internet is a strange place, and it's bigger than you could ever imagine. I've kind of gotten off track here, so let me start talking about horse breeding. How fun.
Horses are pregnant for eleven months. I kinda alluded to this fact, but I didn't make it obvious, so I'm making it obvious that I actually did research on this fact that horses have a gestation of roughly eleven months. Now that this fanfiction is over and done with, I can use that fact on more useful things, like telling it to people when I have nothing else to say. I find that people usually respond with "Elephants are pregnant for twenty-two months". Anywhey, horses also rarely get pregnant in the winter. It is more common for it to happen in the early spring (as it happened in this story) so that, eleven months later in even earlier spring, the newborn foal will be able to grow up through the pleasant summer and have a better chance at surviving through the winter.
After knowing how to make a baby (privileged information that I am forbidden by good ethics to share with you all on this very public space) and for how long a horse is pregnant, I then, as I got closer and closer to writing about the actual pregnancy, began to look up sites like this and this and even this . Check them out if you want to, but that would be kinda creepy. I tried to include as much of this information in the story as was needed, so all in all not that much. Still, it's useful to do research to show that you actually (slightly) care about the story. Can I switch back to talking about how I actually wrote it? No? Oh well, I'm the boss here, so I can do what I want. I'll talk about each of the chapter titles now.
The titles for the five chapters of this story can be a bit strange if you don't have immense access to my mind and it's inner machinations, so I'll have to spell each one out for you.
Chapter 1: You Reek-A!
This one should be pretty obvious. It's a chapter about smelly stuff and scientific discovery so yeah. If you don't get the pun, just read it out loud. Got it? Good. This is actually not my own design, but taken from a sbemail from the once-popular site homestarrunner.com . It was Sbemail #171 Underlings .
Chapter 2: Oh, POOP, You Never Let Us Down!
This is also pretty obvious. It's talking about poop and it's a quote from a TV show I watch so I used it. You can watch the specific quote from the TV show you've never heard of before here (albeit in sped-up mode, it was the only version I could find that wasn't defiled by YouTube poop).
Chapter 3: Our Number 1 Test Is Your Number 2
This is a line from the Scrubs episode My Musical. The specific line can be found here . It's talking about pooping in a hospital and stuff, so it was a perfect quote.
Chapter 4: The Poop Loop
This one is a little more abstract. It's talking about how there's possibly (probably) going to be a 'loop' of polychromatic defecators that will be under some sort of slavery or something like that. It's another quote from Spongebob, the original can be found here .
Chapter 5: Whatsit All About?
This title is chosen pretty much because it's a quote about poop from something I enjoy. It's another Sbemail (this time #144). You can find the clip here , but it might need some explanation. In short review: the Poopsmith (the guy shoveling the pile of brown stuff) shovels poop for a living. It's commonly referred to as Whatsit in the webtoon, so that led to the title for that chapter.
So yeah, that's the author's commentary about this stupid fanfiction. I'm glad it's over. This took way longer than it should have.
Author's Note
Whoa. Commentary on commentary? Freaky.
