chapter the first, last, and only
Pinkie pie fights the narrator
IT STARTED AS ANY OTHER MORNING IN PONYVILLE WITH THE BIRDS CHIRPING IN THE SKY, AND THE LAZY-ASS WEATHER PONIES CLEARING THE SKIES AT SEVEN IN THE MORNING. THANKFULLY FOR THEM THOUGH THIS STORY DOESN'T FOCUS ON THE TERRIBLE STANDARDS SET BY A FEW FLYING HORSES BUT A BUBBLY PINK MARE BOUNCING DOWN THE STREET.
THE PINK MARE BOUNCED DOWN THE STREET TOWARDS HER FIRST DESTINATION OF THE DAY, THE LIBRARY. UPON ARRIVING SHE SLOWLY CREAKED OPEN THE DOOR, THE FIRST THING SHE NOTED WAS THE SMELL OF SWEAT AND LATEX HANGING IN THE AIR.
"Hey that's not what it smells like. It smells like a bunch of dusty old books." RETORTED THE PINK PONY.
"Pinkie who are you talking to?" TWILIGHT SPARKLE ASKED HER MENTALLY DEFICIENT FRIEND.
"Oh no one. Say do you think it smells like sweat and latex in here?
"No why?" ASKED TWILIGHT WITH SENSUALITY DRIPPING FROM HER VOICE.
"My nose has been stuffed up lately, and that's what I thought it smelled like?"
TWILIGHT SPARLKE THEN PROCEEDED TO SLAP PINKIE PIE ACROSS HER HINDQUARTERS, AND PRODUCED A BULL WHIP FROM BENEATH HER DESK.
"Uhh Twilight w-what are you d-doing with that bull whip?"
"I-I don't know."
QUICKLY PINKIE ROLLED OUT OF THE PATH OF TWILIGHT'S LUSTFUL ADVANCES, AND JUMPED OUT OF THE WINDOW LANDING ROUGHLY ON HER RUMP.
"Narrator what the hay are you doing. Just get this out of your system and get back to doing your job right or I'm telling."
HA I'LL BE GOOD FOR NOW IN THAT CASE.
PINKIE PIE NOW BOUNDED DOWN MANE STREET (SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL'S UP WITH ALL THE HORSE PUNS) TO THE MARKET PLACE. PASSING BY THE VARIOUS PHALLIC FRUIT STALLS SHE NOTICED LYRA AND BON-BON EYING A PARTICULARLY LARGE CUCUMBER TOGETHER.
"SHUT UP NARRATOR!"
ALL OF THE PONIES LOOKED AT HER LIKE SHE WAS TOUCHED IN THE HEAD. WHICH SHE MIGHT AS WELL HAVE BEEN.
"Sorry everypony I'll just be on my way." NOW WITH HER HEAD DRAGGING ALONG THE FLOOR PINKIE LEARNED NOT TO MESS WITH THE NARRATOR AND ALSO REACHED AJ'S STALL OR SOMETHING.
"Heya Pinks what's gotcha so down t'day," ASKED PINKIE'S INBRED FRIEND.
"Nothing," PINKIE SAID FLATLY," just somebody keeps pestering me."
"Don't you mean somepony." ASKED PINKIE'S CLEARLY RACIST FRIEND.
"Yeah somepony. So AJ how've you been?"
"Well businesses been a might slow lately. For some reason everypony keeps going t' the cucumber stand lately even Big Macintosh bought one. Didn't even eat it just sort of left it on the table and let it get all smelly, I had to throw it away after that."
"That's... gross so when did he start acting like that."
"A few days ago I suppose. But now that I think about it those cucumbers are starting to look mighty tasty, think I'll go buy me one. Hey Pinkie where ya goin."
"I've gotta go check up on everypony else really quick see you soon." BEFORE HER RACIST, REDNECK, INBRED FRIEND COULD MAKE HER PURCHASE, PINKIE HAD DASHED DOWN THE STREET TOWARDS CAROUSEL BOUTIQUE.
THE WAY TO THE BOUTIQUE WAS LITTERED WITH CUCUMBERS, BANANAS, CARROTS, AND ALL OTHER TYPES OF LONG HARD FRUITS AND VEGETABLES LINING THE STREETS OF PONYVILLE.
PINKIE PIE RUSHED INTO THE BOUTIQUE, AND THERE SHE SAW RARITY LAYING ON HER COUCH LEGS SPLAYED AND A FURIOUS BLUSH RISING IN HER CHEEKS.
"RARITY WHAT ARE YOU DOING!"
RARITY WHO HAD UNTIL THAT MOMENT BEEN ENJOYING A SALAD TOPPED WITH CUCUMBER, AND CARROTS, SAT BOLT UP AND SPOKE.
"Pinkie what are you doing barging in here, didn't you see the 'closed' sign outside."
"RARITY WHAT ARE YOU DOING!"
"I'm enjoying a nice salad with a side of banana, while sitting on my couch in the middle of my living room, and currently engaged in reading a very interesting romance. That was all before you barged into my house and started yelling like a mental patient." THE SNOWY MARE REPLIED CROSSLY.
"I'm sorry for barging in like that Rarity but the Narrator's been acting really perverted lately and I wanted to make sure you were okay."
"Well I haven't really been feeling myself lately truth be told." RARITY TOLD HER FRIEND WITH THE HORRIBLY DIRTY MIND.
"Really how aren't you feeling good."
"I feel as though I've lost my creativity, my spark, my je ne sais quois that's why the shops been closed and why I was splayed on the couch. I didn't feel as though I would get any company today."
"So when did this feeling start?"
"Less than a week ago, why do you ask?"
"Sorry no time to explain I've gotta go and check up on Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash."
PINKIE PIE BARRLED DOWN THE STREET IN A FEEBLE ATTEMPT TO REACH HER REMAINING FRIENDS, AND SEE HOW THEY HAD BEEN AFFECTED. FIRSTLY WAS RAINBOW DASH, A FINE ASS LESBIAN CURRENTLY ENGAGED IN AN EIGHT WAY WITH THE ENTIRE WONDERBOLTS TEAM. AS PINKIE NEARED THE FLOATING CLOUD FORTRESS THAT WAS RAINBOWS HOME.
"Shut up. Shut up. Shut up."
UPON ARRIVING AT THE BASE OF THE PUFFY MANOR PINKIE WAS BLOBS OF RAINBOW FALL ONTO THE GROUND BELOW. SHAKING THE LEWD THOUGHTS FROM HER HEAD PINKIE PIE YELLED INTO THE HEAVENS.
"RAINBOW DASH ARE YOU OKAY!"
SHE HEARD NOTHING BUT FURIOUS GIGGLES IN REPLY. DECIDING THAT THIS WAS A LOST CAUSE SHE BROKE OFF TOWARDS FLUTTERSHY'S COTTAGE. ABOUT HALF WAY TO FLUTTERSHY'S HOUSE PINKIE REALISED THAT DASHY WAS SIMPLY PLAYING WITH TANK IN THE RAINBOW POOL, AND GIGGLING AT HIS POKES AND PRODS.
"Wait that wasn't what you said earlier."
TURTLES ARENT USUALLY THAT FRISKY.
"He's a tortoise."
CLOSE ENOUGH. CONTINUING DOWN THE PATH TOWARDS FLUTTERSHY'S PINKIE HEARD A BEARS LOW GROWL. HESITANTLY SHE SPED UP TO A FRANTIC GALLOP.
"UP YOURS NARRATOR."
AND THEN A MANTICORE DECIDED TO COME AND SAY HI AS WELL.
"Lets see what they have to say to my party cannon."
PINKIE FIRED A PAIR OF PIES AT THE MANTICORE HITTING IT SQUARELY IN THE FACE. SOON AFTER THE BEAR THAT HAD BEEN STALKING HER POPPED OUT OF THE WOODS AND BEGAN TO LICK THE PIE FILLING FROM THE MANTICORE'S FACE ELICITING A PURR FROM THE BEAST. AVERTING HER EYES FROM THE ODD DISPLAY PINKIE CONTINUED FASTER THAN EVER.
"FluttershythankCelestiayou'reokayIthoughtthatthepervertednarratormight'vegottentoyou."
"Actually Pinkie everything isnt okay all of my little critter friends wont listen to me anymore." FLUTTERSHY SAID WITH TEARS POURING DOWN HER FACE.
"Did you do this Narrator?"PINKIE SHOUTED AT THE HEAVENS. YEAH THAT WAS TOTALLY ME I THOUGHT IT'D BE FUNNY, AND I WAS RIGHT IT WAS HILARIOUS.
"That does it you can pick on me and my other friends, but nopony and I mean nopony messes with Fluttershy like that. You and me right now lets go!"
COME ON BITCH, I'M PRACTICALLY GOD HERE. HEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING.
"I'm calling the one thing more powerful than you, THE AUTHOR."
The clouds parted in the dying sky and rays of light broke from between the holes. Slowly a pitch black stallion with an emerald mane, piercing red eyes, and a stingray for a cutie mark descended from the heavens.
"Hey Pinkie what's up," the stallion asked as if he hadn't just come from the sky.
"The narrator keeps being mean to me,"
"How mean?"
"Very!"
"That is mean."
BUT BOSS I WAS JUST DOING MY JOB...
"No Jeffrey your job is to lead these ponies through their daily lives. Not belittle, and insult them."
HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW THAT WHAT SHE'S SAYING IS TRUE SHE COULD BE MAKING ALL OF THIS UP.
"Because Pinkie knows not to call me unless there's an emergency, and besides I've known her longer. So Pinkie is what you're saying true?"
"Yup."
"Well Jeffrey in light of recent testimony I'm afraid that I'm going to have to let you go. Please clear out your desk and be out by the end of the day."
YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME I'M GOD IN THIS WORLD. I DECIDE WHAT HAPPENS, NOT SOME ABSENT AUTHOR, FEEL MY WRATH WEAKLING. Storm clouds had begun to gather and from the few droplets currently sizzling on the floor it was apparent this wasn't any ordinary rain. Crimson bolts flashed on the horizon like bloody swaths carved into the landscape. Balls of fire began to drop from the enraged sky.
Pinkie Pie had begun to look distraught at the sight of all this around her. The Author however didn't even bat an eyelash at the sight of all of this.
"This the best you've got Jeffrey I'm disappointed." The Author had now blinked, and all of the happenings around him ceased to exist.
HOW?
"I'm the Author simple as that. I'm very disappointed Jeffrey. Good-bye." When Jeffrey's pained screams had died in their ears, everything was quiet once more.
"I'm sorry about that whole Jeffrey fiasco. I suppose he was just a temp who got too big for his boots. Now if you'll excuse me I have some business I must attend to." With that the Author stood on his hind legs spread his forelegs out, and ascended into the heavens once more.
The rest of the mane six had now trotted up to Pinkie.
"Hey pinkie what was up with all the crazy weather and stuff?" Asked Rainbow Dash.
"And who was that gaudy stallion you were talking to earlier, where has he gone by the way?" Inquired Rarity.
"Oh that was just the narrator who's been controlling you guys for the last few days going insane with power, and giving a feeble attempt at killing the Author and me. As for who the stallion was that was the Author. The supreme authority in this, and any other universe he has chosen to create."
The rest of her friends looked at her dumbfounded for a few seconds.
"So who wants some apple cider on the house?" Said AJ.
Everypony cheered in agreement, and they were off.
