Brains, Gentlecolts!

by AFadingPony

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Fancypants, Twilight Sparkle, Random, Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2303

A zombie apocalypse, led by a necromancer named Norman, is tearing Canterlot apart. What can anypony do against the innumerable horde set before them? Drink tea and contemplate, of course...

Canterlot is under seige by the undead.
The many ponies of the City are coming face to face with hordes of undead, led by a brave, powerful and handsome necromancer named Norman.
At the centre of all the chaos, Celestia, Luna and Twilight sit in the safety of Canterlot castle, plotting their response to this problem and the best way to sort it all out...

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Zombie is best apocalypse.

Cover Image by ASTROtheH

Published 2012-12-21 16:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-21 16:00:01 UTC

Night of the Dead

The night was dark and full of terrors. Undead ponies roamed the streets, raised from their graves by a not so powerful necromancer. However, the Capital did not sound like a city infested with zombies, or at least not in the traditional sense. One would imagine that the streets would be filled with the droning moans of "BRAINS," and terrified screams of individuals as they had their heads devoured by evil puppets of a necromancer. As it is well known all zombies, no matter their origins, find brains to be a delicacy.

However, one could say the city of Canterlot sounded remarkably the same as one would expect the city to sound on any other average day. Mind you, there was an awful lot of screaming, and it did smell terrible, at least the zombies had that bit right.

Norman, a blue coated unicorn with a short yellow mane, was standing safely upon a rooftop somewhere near the entrance of Canterlot. Upon his face, he wore a very confused look, his yellow eyes scanning the city. As a novice necromancer, he had never really experienced the sights of a zombie horde before. He imagined they would be acting like they did in the story books. Norman was mistaken though, his zombies were being rather odd indeed and, as it happens, there was a severe lack of brain consumption taking place within the city.

Fancy Pants, a top member of the social hierarchy of Canterlot, was about to not get his brains eaten by zombies, as he fled down a street from an advancing group of around four, he reached a dead end, in true Canterlot fashion he bravely turned to face the impeding group and immediately began to plead for his life.

"Hear me, immortal ones! I beseech you to spare me my life! It is oh so precious to me!" Fancy Pants bowed in front of the undead ponies, humbled, as they stopped dead in their tracks. (:D)

"Oh my," said one of the approaching cursed, his rotten eyeball hanging out of its socket, "It seems we've been chasing one of our own!"

"That does seem to be the case, old friend," the second undead held out his half rotten hoof to pull Fancy Pants to his feet, "Terribly sorry about all this, thought you were one of those filthy breathers, Oh how they do my blood bo- er... I mean," The zombie rubbed his chin with the bottom of his hoof, only to have it fall off, landing with a soft splat upon the ground. "gggarrghlaaaagarphhh" he said lifting it up slamming it back into place.

Fancy Pants, suddenly realising that he must have just been blessed by Celestia to be able to survive such a close encounter, summed up all of the wit and intellect he had gathered throughout the years and began to play along beautifully, "Ah yes... It... Yes... I am undead, so to speak, um... A, ah... N-Not... Living... Pony and all that, so let us embark upon our... Glorious quest? To... D-Do that... Thing we have to... Do."

Utterly convinced by the ploy, the zombies unwittingly allowed the living unicorn to join them in their endeavours of carrying out their masters will.

As Fancy Pants walked down the street, stepping over the several moving limbs of long dead ponies that had inadvertently fallen off during their seige of Canterlot, after being sealed in their respective coffins in the Canterlot catacombs for several hundreds of years, he noticed a good few ponies he recognised, many of them seeming to be still in possession of their brains. It was a very strange occurrence, one could correctly believe, that so many living ponies were invited to join the marching horde, rather than having their brains consummed, resurrected then being forced to do so.

So, in reality, the well-spoken citizens of Canterlot, were quite alright, absolutely no casualties had occured during the onset of the seige and even fewer had been taken since. It's no wonder, given that our good friend Fancy Pants was able to walk straight past a majority of the horde without so much of an eyebrow falling off. Coupled with the fact that many of the zombies were too polite to enter any houses without permission and feared breaking another ponies possessions in shops, it was only natural that, actually, they were a rather ineffective horde.

As Fancy Pants approached the entrance to his home he saw an opportunity to leave the disgustging streets of Canterlot and hide until somepony else, weilding considerably more power than he himself did, would sort out this mess.

As it happens, several such pony were taking residence within the confines of Canterlot Castle, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna were all occupying the highest tower in Canterlot, ensuring the safety of the great palace with several magical barriers and the entire Canterlot guard.

In their typical fashion, Celestia and Luna had both their favourite hot beverages in their magical grip, Tea and Coffee, respectively. Twilight Sparkle, on the other hoof, was in quite a state indeed.

"Necromancy? How is that even possible?" The small purple unicorn paced around the room her hair disorganised and unkept, a manic look in her eyes. "Every single necromatic tome ever written was destroyed over 1000 years ago!"

Luna smiled, "Ah yes, the crystal empire book burning..."

Celestia nodded, "Several blasphemous and evil books were destoyed that day."

"Of course then Sombre showed up stole half the texts, retreated into the snow, showed up three years later with a necromantic army that killed the Princess, decimated the surrounding city, ate a third of the population and placed Sombre the undisputed ruler of The Crystal Empire for about a week." Luna stated simply, taking a sip of her coffee.

Twilight stopped pacing, "You don't think Sombre's behind this do you?"

"I certainly hope so," Luna said eagerly, "That would make quite the story, don't you think?"

Celestia nodded in agreement, "Of course, it would be significantly harder to get rid of him than just a normal necromancer..."

Twilight stared in disbelief.

"Of course, it would be impossible to just kill him, he'd just release his spirit until he could find a willing unicorn host, leaving us to deal with the massive hoard of zombies he would leave behind," Luna rubbed her chin, "We could make use of the elements, trap him somewhere under the earth, I believe that would render him powerless, although, it would maybe remove the zombies as a threat as well."

"Or we could lure him into the castle and lock him in the vaults, even Sombre couldn't survive that," Celestia replied, the clam conversation between the two ponies absolutely shocking the small unicorn.

"What? Why aren't you doing anything!?" The two alicorns continued sipping their hot beverages, "How can you just sit there while an army of undead is eating your city!" Twilight screamed, the frustration of the situation clearly getting to her.

"Oh don't worry, Twilight dear," Celestia said soothingly, "these things serve their purpose."

"And just what, might that be?" Twilight uttered, her voice cracking slightly.

"Population control," Celestia replied, her magical aura lifting a bun from the tray in front of her.

*Knock Knock*

"Excuse me, would you mind terribly letting me in?" A zombie stood outside the door of a large house on the outskirts of the palace grounds. The ponies inside had placed several heavy objects in the way of the door, a rather useless saftey mechanism, considering that the zombies were refusing to set foot in any house until they were formally invited to come in.

Norman's irritation with the whole situation had been growing steadily since he had begun wandering the streets, everywhere he looked, live ponies were marching alongside his minions, doors remained on their hinges and anyone that wasn't either locked in their house or pretending to be a zombie was being bombarded with requests to be devoured, and refusing most eloquently.

"Just knock the damn door down you useless foal!" He screamed at the zombie, blasting through the door with a ball of fire.

"Of course Mastrer, one second," the zombie said, peering through the door, "Excuse me,But do I have your permission to enter?" He called to the ponies cowering inside.

Norman screamed in frustration, "Never mind! Just get to the entrance of the palace!"

The zombie scampered off, half its flank falling off in the process.

"What in the name of all that is diabolical is going on here?" Norman whispered to himself. As he walked away, Norman brought out the book, sold to him by the mysterious traveller, reading through the passage about the undead phsycology.

The book read "Zombies rarely have the ability to speak, depending on the power of the summoner, the level of control exerted is also directly linked to this factor. It should also be noted that although the subjects of your unholy magic will retain a little of their previous memories. For example, risen griffons would be more aggressive than risen sheep, this will always be over-ridden by their masters commands."

"But it's not working?!" Norman shouted at the book, "Why won't they work?!"

Throwing the book back into his saddlepack, the angry novice stormed up to the entrance of the castle. There, at the entrance, standing in his way, were two completely unharmed guards, refusing access to the entirity of his gathered forces.

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease," droned a chorus of zombies, standing in a perfect square aranged in front of the entrance.

"NO!" The guards seemed to be getting a little hoarse (:D) due to all the screaming that had been directed at the zombies since Norman had demanded they force entry.

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease," they continued, more purposefully this time, sensing the presence of their master.

"What is this!" Norman had clearly had enough, it was all getting rather much for the young necromancer. Looking up at the two guards in front of the gates he bellowed "Get outta here!"

The two guards looked at each other, shrugged and flew through the barrier back up to the castle.

"Do you think that was an invitation to follow?" One zombie asked.

Climbing on top of a nearby vantage point, The necromancer stood above his horde, "I came here with a simple dream," he shouted, his voice carrying through the courtyard, "A dream to destroy this city, cast down the princesses, and create my own Empire..." The unicorn halted, hanging his head dramatically, "But my dream has been dashed... by the greatest evil of all!"

A dramatic paused raised the tension for the captive and largly falling apart croud.

"Politeness...." The ponys voice trailed off, as an eerie silence gripped the city.

Meanwhile a guard had arrived at the top of the princesses' tower, "The necromancer has revealed himself, Princess; he stands on a platform in front of the entrance to the castle." The guard bowed to Celestia, who was seated by the door.

"Excellent!" Celestia lifted her head from her cup of tea. "Luna, did you hear that?"

Luna looked down from the overlooking balcony above the seating area, "I did," she said smiling. "Is it Sombre?"

The guard looked up, "Er, no... sorry Princess but I do not believe so..."

"Oh," Luna said, looking disappointed. "I'll get him then," she said sighing as she placed her hoof in a small crevice in the wall, a compartment slid open revealing an oddly shaped weapon.

Out on the balcony over-looking the city Twilight stood staring blankly over the hoard of zombies gathered at the front of the castle. Luna approached from behind, "Feeling any better, Twilight Sparkle?" Luna asked, dropping the weapon on the floor beside her andpicking up a spear-like weapon resting on the side of the balcony.

"No," Twilight said simply, she looked ill as she regarded the horde in front of her, "I can't stop thinking of all the ponies I knew in this city; they're all dead now."

"Try not to think about it," Luna said, loading her weapon and resting it on the edge of the balcony, "It will all be over soon."

Twilight looked at the strange object, "What is that, Luna?" she asked, her curiousity distracting her from the days events.

"A harpoon gun," She said carefully taking aim.

"Wait, what?" Twilight gave Luna a startled look. "What on Equestria is that for?!"

A smile crept onto Luna's face. "Harpooning," she answered, pulling the trigger.

The spear sailed through the air, hitting the distant unicorn squarely in the head. The huge army collapsed around him, bar a few live ponies, who awkwardly stepped round the decaying and now quite lifeless ponies in an attempt to get home.

Luna looked confused, "There should be more bodies than that," she said taking off into the night to patrol the city.

Luna arrived back in time to see Celestia raising the sun, "The city remains relatively unharmed, not a single pony was injured during the attack." She said looking rather dejected.

Celestia looked shocked. "That was possibly the most dissapointing disaster I have ever survived."

Nodding, Luna said, "Even worse, the smell will take several weeks to get rid of, and who's going to clean up all the bodies?"

Celestia rolled her eyes. "We're going to need to rebury them, that's going to be a pain in the flank."

"Not it," Luna said, walking past her sister and heading to bed.

"Worst apocalypse ever," Celestia said, setting out to organise the clean-up.

Author's Note

Little dissapointed with this one.

There was not nearly enough puns and Norman dies

On another note, when on earth did my princesses become cynical sociopaths?

Zombies, they do strange things to a pony...

Like eat their brains.