Yoonicorn's Marvelous Adventures in Equestria
Just for funzies, I decided to present this short on-shot as a Christmas gift to my editor, Yoonicorn. I'm also using this opportunity to try my hand at comedy writing which, surprisingly, isn't my forte. Well anyway here you go...
Like most stories about humans in Equestria, Yoonicorn’s Marvelous Adventures in Equestria begins with the aforementioned human waking up in a strange dimension, about which he knows nothing. To be precise, he woke up in the direct, geographical center of Ponyville, which happened to be halfway through a wall.
Yoonicorn looked around at his new strange surroundings. They seemed familiar, but the haze of being nearly bisected by a fifty square foot piece of drywall made it hard to remember. After hanging suspended for nearly half an hour, his clarity of thought slowly began to return to him. He could now remember where he’d seen this before.
“Yep, it’s official!” He said. “I’m in Nuketown. There’s absolutely no way that any other place on earth could be this colorful!”
Yoonicorn’s front half had been hanging on the inside of the building whose wall he was stuck in. There didn’t seem to be much in the room, it looked like a storage closet of some type. The only light in the room was coming from a window to his right. The light confirmed that it was indeed day time. The only issue, though, was that there didn’t appear to be a single living being anywhere who could help him. He thought about calling for help, but then reconsidered.
“I don’t even know how I got stuck here in the first place.” He thought back as far as possible… absolutely nothing. His most recent memory was being awake at three o’clock in the morning on his laptop doing editing work for his friend, ~~Kaiser Perminente~~, Editors’ Note: We apologize for the author’s narcissism and general arrogance, he has been given one strike. But that was it…
Before long the door to the closet was opened by a mare who held a shirt in her mouth. She placed the shirt on a hanger, and the hanger, in turn, onto a rack, before turning to leave. While pivoting, she caught her first glimpse of the stallion lodged in her wall. She shrieked bloody murder before fainting and flopping onto the floor. Yoonicorn began flailing his legs frantically, but in vain.
“Wait! Wait, Wake up! I need your help!” He cried.
At that moment, something occurred to Yoonicorn. That woman wasn’t a woman at all. She was a horse. But not just any horse, she was a colorful pony. Cream colored to be exact. She had a curly blue mane, certainly not a main character. Maybe a background pony, Yoonicorn hadn’t checked the wiki in a while.
“Wait, Pony?” It was suddenly clear to him. “I’m starting to think I’m not in Nuketown.”
Yoonicorn then had yet another epiphany. “If I’m in the My Little Pony universe…” Which he already knew of because he was a Brony. “Then have I become equine?”
He looked over his various features, seeing light blue fore hooves. Upon carefully inspecting the remainder of his visible body, he came to his final realization. Yoonicorn had become a pegasus! Well this was quite the excitement! So much excitement that the next few hours had hailed in comparison, so I decided to skip them.
By the time the grand fast-forward mania had ended, Yoonicorn had been discovered by another passer-by, who then called the fire brigade to get him out of the wall. The mare who had fainted in front of him woke up and promptly slapped Yoonicorn in the face for trying to break into her house. A couple other unimportant things happened, ~~like a new mayor of Vanhoover being elected, but who gave a shit about that, right?~~ Editors’ Note #2: We again apologize to the reader and all residence of Vanhoover and Vancouver, itself. Congratulations on the win, mayor! The author has been given another strike.
Now being free in the streets of Ponyville, Yoonicorn was concerned. You see, it was not whether or not he was fucked that concerned him, but rather the extent of his being fucked. As he wondered the area, he decided he should probably talk to somepony that could help him. After all, he had no money, no food, no idea how he got there in the first place, and no idea how he would get back. Yes indeed, thoroughly fucked. As he was walking, Yoonicorn was accosted by yet another mare. This time, he knew who she was. The straight purple mane and horn gave it away almost immediately.
“Holy fuck, you’re Twilight Sparkle!”
The unicorn was startled by both his vulgarity and the fact that he knew her name. She turned to face Yoonicorn, who was hovering placidly about ten feet away from her.
“Excuse me?” She said.
“Oh, sorry you must not have heard me.” He took a deep breath in. “I said, “Holy fuck, you’re Twilight Sparkle!””
Twilight’s expression dropped into a form that conveyed a message of the ‘Are you fucking kidding me’ variety.
“How do you know who I am?”
Yoonicorn contemplated a response. He could just outright tell her the truth, but then again, that would probably end him up in a loony-bin, if they even had those in Equestria. No, he had to think of something else. Being the sarcastic little bastard that he was, he began thinking of a clever response that would get a laugh out of the invisible audience that followed him everywhere.
Apparently he contemplated for too long, because by the time he came up say it, Twilight Sparkle was already gone. He looked around and saw her walking off at a fast pace towards the Ponyville Library. He ran up to her and stopped in front of her, opening his mouth to spout out the probably ill-thought comeback. Before he could make a sound, Twilight slapped his face away and continued walking.
“I don’t have time to talk to anypony right now! Come by in a year maybe!”
“A year? What the hell are you doing in there?” It hadn’t yet occurred to him that he should probably adopt his lingo to match that of the pony folk.
“I’m working on a very important assignment from Princess Celestia, herself. So please don’t bother me!”
Yoonicorn frowned. He would really like help from somepony, preferably somepony whom he knew at least a little about. He then got a fabulous idea.
“I will help you!” He ran into the building after her, putting on his noblest possible face.
She stopped, turned around, and stared up at him. “It’ll be the most dangerous, most time-consuming, and most fear inducing quest you will ever pursue.”
“I’m listening…”
“You will have to venture with us to the darkest, most sinister realms of Equestria and collect artifacts and clues to lead us to the most viscous beast ever spawned, which we will have to kill.”
“I’m in.” He mundanely said.
Twilight was thrown off by his stupid confidence. “What?!”
“I’m in. Now when you say “we” I’m sure you’re referring to the other Elements of Harmony. No need to introduce me, I know enough about you all. But I guess it would be polite to introduce myself. The name’s Yoonicorn.”
He extended a hoof out to Twilight Sparkle. She just stared back at him. Her confusion was caused by both the fact that he already knew so much about the Elements of Harmony, but also the fact that he had rambled so quickly that she couldn’t understand most of it. She decided to accept his help, at least for the time being. She would talk to the others and consider whether or not to keep him around.
Twilight looked out the window and saw that evening had fallen over Ponyville. She cleared off a table in the library and set up some bedding on it.
“You can sleep here for tonight, but I’ll see if Fluttershy will take you for the remainder of your time here.”
Yoonicorn gratefully accepted her offer. After the absolute excitement of that day, he was completely exhausted. After situating himself as comfortably as possibly on the table, he dozed off to sleep.
*** Night Time Story Pause
Yoonicorn woke to six pony faces staring down at him. None of them bore a smile, not even Pinkie Pie’s. This, to be honest, thoroughly scared him.
“Are you ready?” Twilight Sparkle said.
“Ready for what?” Yoonicorn yawned.
Twilight Sparkle smiled down at him. Using magic, she yanked him up and pulled an ancient looking book from her saddlebag. She placed the book on the table and opened to a page titled, The Ten Trials. Yoonicorn lazily looked over the pictures depicting various monsters.
“This is how our quest begins!”
Author’s Note: Well, the ten trials consisted of stealing the Idol of Starswirl the Bearded, taming the Phoenix of the Crystal Mountains, slaying the Dragon of Foal Mountain, Speaking to the Ghost of Chancellor Puddinghead, as well as some other stuff that I was too lazy to come up with. Anyway, the details were kind of boring so I decided to skip them entirely and arrive at the next step of the quest.
Editors’ Note #2: Seeing as the author clearly is not serious enough about the integrity of the fine art of literature, we present him with his third and final strike. This means that he has been fired and this story will not be published. We apologize again.
Author’s Note: Well, due to the apparent asshole-ishness of my former editing group, I have decided to hire some new editors. These editors appreciate my humor and are prepared to tolerate my page-whoring, racism, and blatant disregard for the “integrity of the fine art of literature.” Hopefully my fuckery can now continue uninterrupted. Thank you,
Kaiser Perminente
It took months, but the trials had finally been completed. After the unfortunate loss of Rarity in that horrible, rocket- propelled airboat accident, the remainder of the team regrouped at Sugar Cube Corner. Yoonicorn was reading over the next step of their quest.
“After, and only after, all of the ten trials are completed, may you proceed to the next step of the quest. You must venture deep into Galloping Gorge to slay the great beast of Equestria, Irrumator! The path will be guarded by his minions. Do not go if you are not prepared to die.”
Fluttershy, formerly known to be timid, had been whipped into shape by the Ten Trials and was now the most ridiculously ambitious and danger- happy pony in all of Equestria. She immediately bolted through the door and down the road. The others followed suit, but at somewhat of a slower pace.
Their trek to Galloping Gorge took all of three days. On the first day, the group walked most of the time. Only stopping for the occasional snack break and when Pinkie got her hoof stuck in a gopher- hole. By the end of that day, the team had reached the southern end of the Unicorn Range. They camped for the night, where Yoonicorn unfortunately had to share a tent with Rainbow Dash.
On the second day of travel, the team ran into the first of Irrumator’s minions. It was a giant with about a hundred hands and huge teeth. The beast began to attack Yoonicorn immediately.
“Man, why do I always get the agro?!” He yelled as he dodged the various attacks.
“Wait!” Fluttershy yelled.
She flew over to the beast and inspected its foot. She mimicked her actions from her quest for the Elements of Harmony a few years earlier. Noticing that there was no sliver this time, she promptly cursed the beast out and began to beat it senseless. The others watched in amazement as their friend, who was formerly so shy, kicked the tar out of an eighty foot tall monster. The beast fell to the ground in a slump.
“IT MADE ME ANGRY!” Fluttershy yelled.
Yoonicorn leaned over and whispered into Twilight’s ear. “Somepony needs a straw…”
Twilight, not knowing of the ‘suck it up’ play on words, shook it off as another one of his crazy sentences. They camped that night at the giant’s dead feet.
On the third morning, the group left their campsite as soon as possible. The giant was beginning to rot and the stench was unbearable. They arrived at Galloping Gorge by nightfall. Yoonicorn elected to venture in first. The moment he stepped in, a gargantuan creature arose from the. It was jet black with glowing red eyes on a demonic shaped head.
“Well,” Said Yoonicorn. “I’m going to assume that’s Irrumator!”
The rest of the party readied themselves for battle, Fluttershy taking the lead. “YEAH! LET’S KILL THIS MOTHERFUCKER!”
They began charging toward the beast adrenaline rushing through all of their systems.
That’s when it slowly faded out into music, Cake to be exact. The song, ‘The Distance’ was playing in Yoonicorn’s hazy mind. But it wasn’t really in his mind. He jolted upward, noticing that the music was coming from the alarm clock on his bedside table. He was sitting at his desk, a laptop perched on top of it, open to an e-mail from his good friend and colleague, Kaiser Perminente. It was the fan fiction that he was reviewing the night before.
Yoonicorn checked his alarm clock. Five- thirty. He had forgotten to turn it off for the weekend. He looked around drowsily. He saw that he had received a text during the night. Opening his phone, he saw that the text was also from Kaiser Perminente.
Don’t you just hate when dreams do that?
Author's Note
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night! Except for you... yeah, you. You don't deserve a good night.
