What's Good for the Goosestep
What's Good for the Goosestep
(A/N: I want to start by making 1 thing clear.
I am not a Nazi.
I am not a Neo-Nazi.
I am not a Nazi sympathizer.
I am not a Holocaust denier.
I do not think the Nazis were right.
I'm not even a Nazi uniform fetishist.
I believe that making fun of the people who committed horrible atrocities in our past is an important way to heal from the emotional blow caused by those atrocities, while never forgetting the events that allowed them to happen in the first place.
This story was written as a satirical take on the historical revisionism and insensitivity presented in the My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic episode "Over a Barrel". It made me angrier than anything, the implications of that episode, and I said to my friend, "What's next, Adolph Hoofler goose-stepping down the streets of Ponyville?" So here we are. This might have been a better idea if I'd written it closer to when the episode aired, but oh well, whatever, I have a life.
You can hate me for writing this, but please do not think that I am something I am now. If you take it for what it's meant to be (satire), you may even find it to be funny. On to the story.
I Am Not A Proud Pony
It Had To Be Done)
*****
What's Good for the Goosestep
By NotProud
My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic and all non-original characters are owned by Hasbro and Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended. If you paid money to read this, please report whomever you paid to the FBI!
It was the perfect day in Ponyville for a parade. Celestia's sun shone over just a few clouds drifting lazily in the sky, providing the occasional shady spot for travelers out in the sun, and the air was light and cool in the early autumn morning. All of this was lost on Twilight Sparkle, of course, as she was busy poring through an old copy of Wily Witchcraft and Wonderful Wizardry she recently found in the basement of the library where she lived. In her mind, it was a perfect day to stay inside and relax with a good book on the finer points of horn control in spell casting.
It never failed that when she was engrossed in a book, somepony just had to come and knock on her door. She didn't even hear the first knock, or at least it didn't register in her head, and when the knocking continued insistently, she shouted for Spike to see who was at the door.
"Spike, will you see who's knocking? I don't want to be disturbed today."
The baby dragon grumbled, but it wasn't like he'd been doing anything important just then, just dusting some shelves, which he hated doing anyway. He hopped down off his stepladder and made his way to the door, pausing to admire himself in a mirror as he went. A layer of dust dulled his bright green scales. He sighed, but the knocking continued, so he opened the door. It was Pinkie Pie.
"Oh, hi, Pinkie, Twilight's not-"
"OhmygoshSpike!" Pinkie squealed. She started talking at a mile a minute. "I was walking through town thinking about why hot dogs come in packs of ten while hot dog buns come in packs of eight (I think it's a conspiracy by the hot dog conglomerates to always leave us with two extra hot dogs and then eventually we'll be buried in extra hot dog pairs and they'll take over!) When I saw, not just a new pony, but lots of new ponies! There's a parade downtown!"
Spike had by this point been completely bowled over by Pinkie's tirade and was busy picking himself up off the floor. "A parade in town? Hey, that sounds neat! Twilight, c'mon, we should go see!"
Twilight groaned.
"It's really neat!" cried Pinkie. "They're all wearing matching saddles and they're marching in formation, like real soldiers or something! I hope there isn't gonna be a war, because I hated the last war, it wasn't fun at all, but a military parade is always fun to watch!"
"Uhh, Pinkie," said Twilight, "the last recorded war in Equestrian history was hundreds of years ago."
Pinkie didn't seem to notice the question. "C'mon, Twilight, we're missing it!" Suddenly, she zipped into the library and was head butting Twilight in the flank, pushing her out the door.
"Okay, okay, fine, geez, let's go see this parade."
Looking back wistfully over her shoulder, she and Spike followed Pinkie Pie as she bounced toward the center of town. "Hurry hurry hurry, we're gonna miss it!"
Twilight soon noticed something amiss. "Pinkie Pie, shouldn't a parade have, you know... music?"
It was true. There wasn't any music that they could hear, though Twilight thought she could hear a sound of drums. No, it wasn't drums, it was hoofbeats. Lots of hoofbeats, all falling in a regular rhythm. They galloped out of the house area and onto Main Street and saw a sight to behold before their eyes.
Row after row of ponies was marching in perfect synch, legs whipping out to the front before stomping into the ground, again and again. They all stared straight ahead, never wavering, in a military way. The formation was marching down Main Street towards the town square, and quite a crowd had gathered. Everypony from Ponyville was out to see the spectacle.
As Twilight watched, she noticed two things about the ponies marching. First, they were all earth ponies. There wasn't a pegasus or unicorn to be seen in the group. Secondly, they all wore brown uniforms, cleanly pressed, with brown saddles to match and red leg bands that had some kind of odd black symbol on their. It looked like an X bent at the ends. Also, they were mostly stallions, though there were a few mares, and they were all different colors.
Leading the troop was a smallish brown earth pony with a very tiny moustache and a brown hat to go along with his uniform. His uniform was decorated with medals, and on his flank was the same symbol that adorned all the leg bands his troops were wearing. Twilight got a bad feeling as he pulled up a small crate and a black stallion in a black version of the uniform with a black hat pulled over a podium with a bullhorn. The marching ponies stopped, gathered in front of the podium, facing it, and in between the leader stallion and the crowd of Ponyville citizens.
"Citizens of Ponyville!" cried the brown pony in a high-pitched voice with an accent like Photo Finish's. "Mein name is Adock Hoofler, und zees are mein Brown Saddles! Ve come bearink ein message! Ponyville vas founded years ago by earth pony settlers, but in zee years zat followed, zee town has become overrun vith pegasi und unicorns!"
He pointed to Rainbow Dash when he said "pegasi" and Twilight when he said "unicorns".
"Zey believe, zat because of magic und flying, zey are better zan us! But ve say to zem, NEIGH! So to you earth ponies, who have inherited zis town, I say, take back your birthright! Join zee Brown Saddles! Together, ve vill drive out zee pegasi und unicorns that have defiled zis land vith zeir presence! Sieg Hoofle!"
As one, the crowd of Brown Saddles extended their right forelegs into the air and shouted, "Sieg Hoofle! Sieg Hoofle!" They brought their hooves up and down, up and down, as they chanted.
The crowd of Ponyvillians around them murmured in shock. Twilight looked over because she heard Pinkie gigglesnorting. Aghast, she watched Pinkie mimic the salute over and over.
"Twig snoofle!" she laughed. "Pig poofle! Butt ruffle! This is fun!"
"Pinkie!" Twilight gasped, shocked. "You can't seriously agree with what that Hoofler guy just said, can you?"
Pinkie gave Twilight a look like she was being silly. "Oh, Twilight, it's just a little fun! I'm sure he doesn't mean all those nasty-wasty things he said! I'll throw him a party, and then he'll see that everypony is his friend!"
Twilight had to wonder if maybe Pinkie was on to something there. She couldn't shake the feeling that bad times were coming to Ponyville, though. Then Rainbow Dash and Rarity came over.
"Can you believe all that junk?" Rainbow Dash shouted. "Saying that pegasi are worse than earth ponies because we can fly? That's totally dumb!"
"I must agree, Rainbow Dash," Rarity said, pouting. "Nothing that's been said today has made any sense whatsoever! Since when have unicorns flaunted our abilities over earth ponies? That's ridiculous! Nopony is better than any other pony. Well, certainly nopony with sense." She looked over at the Brown Saddles to make her point. "Though I must say, they have fabulous uniforms, I wonder who their designer is..."
"I've got half a mind to give them a piece of my mind!" Rainbow Dash said as she pushed up imaginary sleeves and reared back to fly at the Brown Saddles.
Pinkie Pie spoke up. "But Dashie, then you'd only have..." She tapped on the ground with her hind leg, counting. "A quarter of a mind left! I think!"
Applejack had just come over to them and grabbed a hold of Rainbow Dash's tail, keeping her from zipping off to pound the new ponies.
"Hold on there, sugar cube!" she demanded through her teeth. Rainbow Dash settled down.
"Oh hey, AJ, where were you?"
"Ah been watchin' the whole thing. An' Ah hates ta say it, but Ah think this Hoofler feller's got a point."
They all gasped.
"Applejack, that's not like you!" cried Twilight.
"What the hay, AJ? D'you want me to stop flying or something!" Rainbow Dash looked about ready to pound Applejack now.
"Surely you can't be serious!" Rarity said with shocked.
"But her name isn't Shirley!" cried Pinkie Pie, unhelpfully.
Applejack sighed and shook her head. "Look, y'all're mah friends, and Ah wouldn't begrudge anypony of their talents what makes 'em special. But Ponyville really was founded by earth ponies who were driven outta their homes 'cuz other ponies was treatin' 'em bad fer bein' earth ponies." She looked down at the ground, unhappy with having to talk about this. "One of the founders was an Apple, that's how Ah knows all this."
"Applejack, are you even listening to what you're saying?" Twilight stared at her friend. "That guy wants to kick every pegasus and unicorn out of Ponyville, and that means us!"
Applejack sighed. "Ah just wanna make it clear that Ah think he's got a point. That don't mean Ah agree with his methods. Lotsa unicorns and pegasi have made homes here, and Ah wouldn't wanna kick 'em out for nothin'!"
"Now you're makin' sense," Spike nodded and held a claw up. "But what are we gonna do about them?"
They all turned to look at the Brown Saddles, who were once again marching around the town square. It seemed that a few earth ponies from Ponyville had joined them, or were at least having a close discussion with Adock Hoofler. The short-stature pony laughed as he discussed with them, casting suspicious glances around at various pegasi and unicorns that were still hanging around. The majority of the crowd had parted ways, however.
"Well, at least it seems like their message of hatred is not reaching the ears of Ponyville," Rarity huffed.
"Yeah," said Rainbow Dash, "but its still reached someponies. What do we do?"
Twilight thought for a moment. "Let's ask the Mayor. I'm sure she'll know what to do about all these ponies being in town."
*****
"Quiet, everypony, please!" They got to the Town Hall and angry ponies, all talking, already surrounded the Mayor at once. They couldn't even get close to her because the crowd that had been outside was now entirely inside.
"What are you gonna do about them saying we have to leave?" cried Cloud Kicker.
"It's just not f-f-fair!" shouted Derpy Hooves.
"What do they have against unicorns anyway?" Lyra snorted. "What did any unicorn ever do to them?" Bon-Bon nodded in agreement.
"Everpony, please!" The Mayor had a bullhorn now and was standing on her desk. "If you cannot call down, I shall have you escorted from the building!"
They all calmed down and let her talk.
"Thank you. Now, as I have said before, I cannot deny these Brown Saddles the ability to demonstrate in Ponyville." The crowd raised an angry uproar and the Mayor waved her hooves frantically, giving them a glare that finally settled them down.
"We live in a free society, and a hallmark of a free society is free speech! What they are saying may be distasteful, but they have every right to say it!"
"But they want to kick all the unicorns and pegasi out of Ponyville!" shouted Rainbow Dash.
"I understand that," said the Mayor calmly. "Which is why I will not, under any circumstances, allow anypony to be kicked out of this town. They can talk all they want, but actions against the citizens of this town will NOT be tolerated!"
There were murmurs of approval and light stomping applause. The Mayor sat back down in her chair and sighed in relief. "Are there any other questions?"
The crowd began to leave, but one deep voice spoke up. "Eeyup, Ah gotta question, Mayor. Whut in the hay are they buildin' over yonder?"
The Mayor looked nervous. "I actually do not know. The permits for that building were purchased a month ago. If I had known what the purposes of those who had bought it had been, I would not have allowed it. You'll have to take my word for it."
The other ponies did, and began to go back to their lives. Twilight and her friends were no closer to an answer than they had been in the town square.
"I for one want to wash my hooves of this entire sordid affair!" declared Rarity.
"Running away's not gonna solve anything, Rarity," said Pinkie Pie. "I still say we should throw them a party!"
"But what good'll that do?" Applejack was unsure. "Ya cain't just make somepony change their mind about somethin' they believe strong in, can ya?"
There was a silence as they all thought about it.
"If that's true," said Twilight, mustering her courage, "then we'll just have to prove to Adock Hoofler that he's wrong about unicorns and pegasi. C'mon, girls, we've got a party to throw!"
*****
The day was spent making preparations. They had to ask Fluttershy to join them, because she had been too scared of the parade to come out of her house, but with all six of them and Spike and Angel helping, it was an easy matter to get everything set up in short order. They had punch, streamers, banners that said "Welcome EVERYPONY to Ponyville!", cake, balloons, and of course music. They had decided to invite all the Brown Saddles, even if their target was their leader, Adock Hoofler, and so they couldn't hold the party in Sugarcube Corner. They had set everything up in the park instead.
"Pinkie, I think you and Applejack should hand out the invitations," Twilight told them. "He'll be more likely to listen to you two, of course."
"All right Twi," replied Applejack, "if y'all really think so."
She and Pinkie headed down towards the town square with a couple of balloons and two hoof-written invitations, one for Hoofler himself and one for all the Brown Saddles. He was the only one of them whose name they knew, after all. They found him, his black-coated second in command and all the Brown Saddles, including the new ones from Ponyville (Caramel, Lucky and Daisy among them), clustered around a vacant lot near the town hall. They were building something.
"Umm, 'scuse me, Mr. Hoofler?" Applejack asked. Hoofler and the black stallion turned around. Now that they were closer, they got a better look at him. He was all black, and his mane was a dark silvery grey, which made him look old. His uniform was just like the Brown Saddles' uniforms, except it was all black with silver piping, where theirs were tan with black piping. His hat was similar to Hoofler's, except it had an emblem of a metal eagle grasping a shield. The same emblem was actually his cutie mark.
"Vat business haff you vit' zee Führer?" the black stallion asked in clipped tones. His voice was like steel grating on ice.
Pinkie and Applejack stopped short, and looked at each other. The black stallion was far more intimidating close up.
"Er, umm, uh, we, uh, err, that is..."
Pinkie recovered from her shock and bounced forward. "We're here to invite you two and all you're Brown Saddles to a Welcome to Ponyville Party!" She nabbed the invitation addressed to Hoofler and held it out to him. The black stallion grabbed it away from her suspiciously.
"Now, now, Herr Girdles," said Hoofler, jumping down off his crate and striding forward. The top of his head barely came up to their noses. "If zey vant us to attend a party, zen a party shall ve attend! It is good to see such fine young earth pony mares as yourselves joining our noble cause!"
He slid the invitation out of the envelope and read it. It said:
~<3~<3~<3~You're Invited!~<3~<3~<3~
~ Don't be stupid ~
~ Be a smarty! ~
~ Come and join ~
~ The Pinkie party! ~
<3 Who: You, silly! <3
<3 Where: Ponyville Park! <3
<3 When: Right the heck now! <3
~<3~<3~<3~<3~<3~<3~<3~<3~<3~<3~
"Oh-ho-ho, how charming, Herr Girdles!" The Führer smiled at them. "Und vone invitation for all mein Brown Saddles, isn't zat vunderbar? Unfortunately, zee verk must continue, und zey vill be unable to attend, I am sorry to say."
He turned to Herr Girdles, who seemed unconcerned by the decision. "Herr Girdles, I trust you vill be able to oversee zee construction?"
"Jawol, mein Führer!" Girdles shouted, and thrust his right hoof outward, almost knocking Hoofler's hat off in the process.
"Very good! I shall return! Ve go!"
Hoofler began marching off, leaving Pinkie and Applejack to catch up with him.
"So, uhh," said Applejack hesitantly, "what is it y'all're buildin'?"
Hoofler chuckled. "A base of operations, mein dear. Every movement must have vone!"
"What is it you don't like about pegasi and unicorns?" Pinkie asked after they'd gone a bit further. Applejack shook her head nervously at Pinkie, but neither she nor Hoofler seemed to notice it.
"Ahh, a clever qvestion from a new initiate. It is not a concept zat I find many ponies are qvick to grasp. Zee answer is simple: zee different ponies vere never meant to commingle. Ponies are happiest ven zey are vith zeir own kind. Ponyville is an earth pony town, so it should be for zee earth ponies. Pegasi can go to Cloudsdale; unicorns to Canterlot, it teems vith zem." He shuddered.
Applejack frowned but didn't say anything, and neither did Pinkie. They were cresting the hill to the park anyway.
"So, vat kind of party is zis?" Hoofler asked happily. "I just LOVE parties!" He made a happy face and pranced a little as they walked.
"Look!" said Pinkie. "You can see the banner!"
"'Velcome to Ponyville', oh, how charming! Zis is..."
Hoofler stopped talking as they crested the hill and the entire party came into view. His eyes scanned over the picnic tables set up with punch bowls, paper plates, cupcakes and a big cake in the middle. He took in the streamers that hung off the enormous banner strung between two trees. Then he looked at the actual party attendees: two pegasi and two unicorns. His face began to twitch.
"Hello, Mr. Hoofler!" said Twilight Sparkle brightly. "Welcome to our party! We want to show you that unicorns and pegasi aren't so... bad...?"
Her confusion was because Hoofler had begun gnawing noisily on his hoof.
"Zis, zis is an outrage! You fillies tricked me! You are in league vith zee enemy! How dare you, you... you...!" He was shaking now, his hat threatening to fall off his head.
"Please, Mr. Hoofler," said Pinkie gently, "come join our party, you'll see! My friends aren't so bad! They're all nice ponies, they just want to make friends with you!"
"Never! Nein! Nicht! Nyet!" Hoofler took two quick steps backward. "I vill mark you! Never again vill you be allowed near our headqvarters! You too vill be cast out! Avay!" And he thrust his entire hoof in his mouth and started sucking on it, running jerkily away on three legs and mumbling, "Mutti, Mutti, Mutti, Mutti..."
"Well," said Twilight sarcastically after he's disappeared over the horizon, "that went over like a lead balloon."
"It was a good idea, Pinkie," said Fluttershy consolingly.
"I suppose there is simply no accounting for the taste of some ponies!" huffed Rarity.
"What're we gonna do with all this cake?" asked Rainbow Dash.
"Eat it, Ah guess!" said Applejack. "Ah mean, cain't let good food go t' waste, rahght?"
Twilight smiled. "I guess not. But we'd better invite some other friends to come help us with it. There's way too much here." Then she added, "Pinkie, you're awfully quiet. Are you okay?"
"Oh, yeah Twilight, I'm okay. I was just thinking that lead balloons really don't fly well. I saw it on TV once."
They didn't know what a TV was, but they didn't ask.
*****
They had a good time at the party, even if the mood was kind of quiet. In the back of their heads was looming the idea that there was going to be a big conflict in town, and soon. They had invited everypony who they could find on short notice, and the party had turned into a town forum of sorts.
"This was a great party, Pinkie Pie," said Roseluck. "I just wish the circumstances were better."
"Th-th-those B-B-Brown Saddles a-are..." Derpy Hooves swallowed. "I w-w-wanna get rid of 'em."
"Parties aren't going to drive them away," said Bon-Bon. "But how can we get rid of them when the Mayor won't?"
"Ah been doin' some thinkin'," said Big Macintosh. His sister looked at him curiously.
"Whatcha done come up with, Big Mac?"
He spoke slowly, as he always did. "Well, if'n they all c'n come in here an' mess up the place with their marchin' an' slogans an' whatnot, why cain't we all do the same?"
"That's a great idea!" said Twilight. "A counter-protest! Free speech, just like the Mayor said!"
There was a murmur of agreement throughout the crowd.
"All right, then," said Big Mac. "We'll need some folks t'make sahgns, an' some others t' round up everypony in town what ain't already joined their sahde."
"Somepony should double-check with the Mayor to make sure it'll be okay," said Twilight.
"Good thinking, Twilight," said Rarity. "We wouldn't want to get caught by some sticky legal technicality."
"All right then! Big Mac, you organize the protesters. We'll go sort things out with the Mayor and meet you in the town square!"
"Eeyup."
Twilight and her friends rushed off towards the Town Hall. During the day, most of the construction had been completed, and they all warily eyed the concrete dome that rose up next to city hall as they passed it. Brown Saddles were posted outside, and more were marching in order in front of it, shouting slogans and Sieg Hoofling over and over.
Gratefully, they filed into the town hall, to find the Mayor in deep conversation with the Ponyville police chief, Blue Line, who was pretty much the entire Ponyville police force as well. They looked up at the six mares as they entered.
"Mayor, we have a proposal! There's a protest being organized, against the Brown Saddles. We just wanted to make sure it would be okay first."
"It's about time!" shouted the Mayor, throwing her hooves up. "It's nice to see the citizens of Ponyville showing a little spine! You are hereby granted a permit for protestations and other sundries, wherever you want, whenever you want, from this moment!"
"Duly witnessed," said Chief Blue Line.
"You go ahead and protest, I'll fill out the paperwork in the meantime for you." The Mayor winked and grinned at them, which made them feel much better.
"It sure is good when the system works!" sighed Applejack happily.
As they left the town hall, it turned out that the protest was already in full swing. A huge mass of ponies, almost every citizen in town, was marching over the hill for the town square. They carried signs that said things like, "Love is the pony way!" and "WE <3 our pegasus and unicorn friends!" and they were chanting, which became clearer as they got closer.
"Love is life
and hatred kills!
Get the hay
Out of Ponyville!"
They turned to look at the bunker, where the Brown Saddles were huddling to receive orders from their Führer. At a shout, the ponies all lined up and marched toward the oncoming protesters.
"Uh oh," said Applejack, "this ain't gonna be pretty none."
"We should go help them!" cried Rainbow Dash, but Rarity had an idea.
"Wait, girls... To kill the snake, you cut off the head!" She pointed at the bunker.
Fluttershy shivered. "I don't like killing snakes..."
"I do," said Twilight. "What do you have in mind, Rarity?"
"I saw Adock Hoofler duck into the bunker. There are only two guards, the rest of the Brown Saddles are marching away. This is our chance to go in there and try to change his mind!"
"All right!" shouted Rainbow Dash. "Way to go, Rarity! Hi-hoof!" She held up a hoof, but Rarity primped her mane and ignored it.
"C'mon, Rares, don't leave a gal hangin'!"
"Ladies do not 'hi-hoof', Rainbow Dash. Come along!"
They all trotted toward the bunker. Rarity whispered to Applejack and Pinkie Pie, who galloped ahead. Once she was in front of the bunker, Pinkie tripped, fell over, and started crying. The guards looked at each other, shrugged, and one-stepped out to help her.
"Say, uh, you okay there, miss?"
"What do y'all think yer doin'?" shouted Applejack, coming up on the scene.
"What, I didn't do anything! She fell!"
"A likely story, mister! Ah know y'all don't much care for our kind, Ah bet y'all went an' pushed her over, ya meanie!"
"He diiiiiid!" wailed Pinkie Pie. While the three of them argued, Rarity snuck up to the other guard.
"Why hello there, Mister Brown Saddle," she said sweetly.
"Halt!" he cried. "You are not to enter the Führer's compound, unicorn!"
Rarity batted her eyelids. "What would I want with that old Führer anyway? I'm looking for a strong, tall colt, who knows how to treat a lady right."
The guard swallowed, averted his eyes, and did his best not to react.
"Oh, I just love your uniform, did I ever mention that?" Rarity purred. She danced her hoof up the front of it to his ear and whispered in it, "I think it would look just darling on the floor of my boudoir, if you get my meaning."
The guard's face lit up bright read. He began to giggle dumbly. Rarity started scritching behind his ear, which made him grin doofily and lean his head forward. When his neck was straightened all the way out, she shouted, "Hii-ya!" and karate-chopped the back of his neck. He went down like a ton of bricks.
"Ohh, I'm going to need a pedi after this!"
"We're all set here!" said Applejack, standing over the other guard, who was bound and gagged.
"Good work, all of you!" said Twilight. "Let's go!"
They all ran into the bunker, except for Rarity, who none of them noticed was dragging off the guard she had knocked out. She started stripping off his uniform.
*****
Inside the bunker, it was really dark. The concrete walls were lit with torches, but they were spaced to far apart that it the light was scattered and didn't illuminate all the nooks and crannies. They proceeded cautiously, but soon it became clear that they were alone. Well, almost alone. Hoofler had to be in here somewhere.
Soon it also became clear that they had no idea where they were going. The main corridor twisted and turned and there were doors everywhere.
"How the hey did they build all of this in one day?" Rainbow Dash wondered aloud.
"I have no idea," Twilight had to admit. "Especially since they don't have any magic users..."
Their wondering was cut short as Herr Girdles suddenly appeared around a bend.
"I see you haff been shnooping," he said, narrowing his eyes. "Hut!"
At his signal, six ponies dressed in the same uniform as him appeared out of nowhere and surrounded them. Twilight gulped.
"Zis is zee end of zee line for you!" Girdles said. "Seize zem!"
The storm trooper ponies rushed forward, but a buck from Applejack quickly felled one.
"We ain't goin' down without a fight!" she hollered. "Put up yer dukes!"
Rainbow Dash got into the action, bucking at a pony and missing. Then all of a sudden, Pinkie Pie reared up on her hind legs and held her fore hooves out.
"Hii-yah!" she shouted. "You aren't gonna take this pink pony down!" She felt a pressure against her back and glanced over her shoulder to see pink mane. Fluttershy had assumed a similar stance.
"I've got your back, Pinkie," she said quietly. "Twilight, go find the Führer!"
Twilight was unsure. She should stay and help her friends, she thought. But then Rainbow Dash grabbed a trooper pony and tossed him at Pinkie, who dispatched him with a ninja kick. The odds were now even if she left.
She looked to where Herr Girdles had been. He was gone. She ran down the hallway that way, having a feeling that that was the direction she needed to go. She cast a light spell and followed the twisting turning corridor until it dead-ended at an enormous double doorway that took up the entire hall. It was painted with a combination of Hoofler's and Girdles's cutie marks. It looked too big to open with magic and she couldn't teleport through it because that would be dangerous.
So she knocked.
"I don' vanna be bothered!" came a muffled voice from the other side.
"It's over, Führer!" Twilight shouted. And then she pushed on the door. Remarkably, it opened.
Inside, the deep bunker office was lavishly furnished. The walls were covered by bookshelves. There were ornate lamps lighting the room. Behind a huge mahogany desk sat Adock Hoofler, busily trying to hide the pony dolls he had just been playing with. His hat was off and Twilight could see that his black mane was not only cut short, but also very thin and combed over one side of his head.
"Yes, vat is it you vant?" He glared at her with a mix of anger and embarrassment.
"I vant you to get your troops out of Ponyville! There's fighting going on outside! It's crazy! Is this what you wanted?"
Hoofler sniffed arrogantly. "If it zee vay things must go, zen yes. Getting rid of you outsider ponies is most important!"
Twilight took a deep breath. It was time to change tactics. "Mister Hoofler, please. A lot of ponies are getting hurt out there. Some of them are my friends. Some of them look up to you and think that your cause is great. Do you really want them to hurt themselves for you?"
Hoofler pursed his lips. "Vell... Zey knew zis could happen ven zey signed up."
Twilight pulled up the chair opposite the desk and sat in it. Hoofler gasped in horror, but she ignored it. "Mister Hoofler. I understand that you think we unicorns and pegasi somehow view ourselves as superior to earth ponies, because they can't fly or use magic. But I've lived around earth ponies long enough to know that without them, pegasi and unicorns would be hard pressed to live happy lives. We all need each other. Earth ponies are good at building things and working the soil in ways that pegasi and unicorns just can't match. Everypony in Equestria has their role to play. And having a certain role doesn't make anypony better than anypony else. Please, I just want you to listen to reason."
Hoofler eyed her suspiciously. "I vish somevone had said zat to Mutti..." he mumbled, then slapped a hoof over his mouth.
"What was that?" Twilight leaned forward.
"Nothing! Nothing!"
"Mister Hoofler!" Twilight took on a haughty air. "What would your mother say if she knew you were doing this?"
Hoofler looked down. "Mutti..." He sniffed, then sighed. "So, zee truth comes out finally, ja?
"Ven I vas a little colt, mein family und I lived in Bayvaria. It vas a city populated by pegasi and unicorns, and just vone earth pony family: ours. Mein parents vorked terrible jobs for zese ponies. Day in and day out zey slaved avay, vorking avay zeir lives, und for vat? So zey could be laughed at in zee streets?
"Vone day, a group of pegasi und unicorns came und took mein Vati. Zey lifted him up in zee sky und dropped him, again and again, catching him each time, because zey thought it vas funny to hear his screams. Zey nearly killed him! Mein poor Mutti..." He sniffled again and tears formed in his eyes. "She nearly died from shock just seeing him!"
His eyes grew hard. "On zat day, I svore zat if ever I could, I vould find a vay to get rid of all pegasi and unicorns! But zere are so many of you, all I can really do is move you out of earth pony cities to your own." He sighed. "I see now it is hopeless."
Twilight watched as the once-proud Führer began to cry softly. At that moment, the rest of her friends burst into the room, panting and looking beat up, but none the worse for wear. Twilight held up a hoof so they wouldn't say anything as Hoofler began bawling.
"I never vanted to lead an army! All I vanted vas to be an artist!" He pounded his desk. "Ven I vas a foal I loved to draw fluffy clouds und pretty trees! But zose shtupid pegasi, zey vere so mean to us!"
He stood up on the desk. "Mein cutie mark isn't even real, you know!" He reached back and tugged at his flank with his teeth. Slowly a piece of fabric painted to look like his flank did, and with it his X-shaped cutie mark. Underneath was a picture of a painter's palette and a paintbrush.
"You see?" he said. "Zis vas mein real talent! Oh, vy did I ever start an army?" He broke down crying again, and they all let him have a few moments to pull him together.
"Umm, Mister Hoofler?" Pinkie said at long last. "We kind of beat up all your guards already, and there's more ponies fighting outside. It would be super-duper if you would come out with us and tell them to stop."
"Maybe once you've put an end to this whole thing," Twilight said softly, "you can find a nice, quiet place to settle down and work on your art. I'm sure you'll do well."
Hoofler sniffed and wiped at his eyes. "You really think so?"
Twilight smiled at him. "Ponies have a way of surprising you."
*****
When they got back outside, blinking in the waning sunlight, they could see the last remnants of the carnage that had gone on. Ponies lay everywhere, sprawled in the dirt. Some had cuts and bruises. Some were covered in apple juice or were wearing signs broken across their heads. The plaza was a mess, with papers, rocks and bits of uniform strewn everywhere. Big Macintosh had taken aside Caramel, Lucky and Daisy and was talking to them.
"Ain't y'all ashamed o' y'allselves? Lookit what's been done 'cuz you all wanted ta join the army an' go trottin' around in a parade!"
"Gosh, Big Mac," Caramel said, downcast, "I always get made fun of. I just wanted to, you know, stand up for myself for once."
Big Mac sighed. "Caramel, y'all don't get made of 'cuz yer an earth pony, y'get made fun of cuz yore an idiot!"
Caramel blushed and looked away.
"Zat is enough." Hoofler strode forward not looking terribly confidant and pulled out his bullhorn.
"Meinen fillies und gentlecolts!" he shouted. "I, your Führer have decided zat it is time to end all of zis. Zee time has come to say, so long, farevell, auf wiedersehen, and goodbye. Go home, mein little ponies, zee var is done."
The Brown Saddles looked sullenly at their leader. Then one by one, they cracked into smiles and began to cheer.
"Hooray for Adock Hoofler!" they sang. And then they began to talk about how much they preferred not marching in uniforms or really hating on other ponies. They hugged the citizens of Ponyville and laughed about plans to go home and catch up with their families.
Then a dark voice rang out, "NEIN!" It was Herr Girdles. He stood in the center of the plaza and stalked over towards Twilight.
"Herr Hoofler, I believed in you! But I alvays knew you did not haff zee heart to do vat vas necessary to carry out our plans! Now zat you have turned tail, I need you no longer! Mein Secret Saddles and I shall take zee reins! Ve vill divide und conquer, und zere vill be nopony who vill stop us! Hut!"
He stomped his hoof, and waited a moment as nothing happened.
"Hut!" he commanded again. Still, nothing happened.
Pinkie giggled. "Oh, you silly-billy! We beat up all your Secret Saddles already!"
Girdles's jaw dropped. "All of zem? Even Hanz und Franz?" His face twitched. "Zey vere mein best soldiers!" He whirled on Twilight, staring daggers at her. "Zis is all your fault, unicorn!"
Before any of them could react, he pounced on Twilight, knocking her to the ground. She cried out in pain, rolling to her side. Applejack jumped forward to save her, but caught a nasty buck in the teeth from Girdles.
"Stay back!" he said. "Or I vill kill her now!"
He stood over her, snarling down, as Twilight wept, fearful for her life.
"I vill enjoy zis."
"I think not!" said a calm voice. There was a clack of metal and suddenly Girdles' forehooves were joined by hoofcuffs.
"Enough of that, me boyo," said Chief Blue Line, "'tis the clinky for ye!"
"Mayor! Chief Blue Line! You saved me!"
The Mayor smiled. "My apologies for allowing you to get hurt, Twilight Sparkle. But after attacking the Princess's prized pupil before a crowd of hundreds, I can more or less guarantee that Herr Girdles will not be seeing freedom any time soon."
Girdles's face sagged. "Z-zee Princess? Her shtudent?"
"Ye got wax in yer ears, boyo?" Chief Blue Line said, kicking him a little. "C'mon along, now, there's a good stormtrooper. Lockup ain't been used in decades, so I reckon ye'll be sweepin' it out, now. The Princess is gonna looove hearin' about what ye've been up to!"
A cheer went up as Girdles was led to the lockup in the town hall. The Mayor turned towards the crowd.
"As for the rest of you Brown Saddles, I have half a mind to lock all of you up for starting this mass attack on my citizens! However, our lockup was never designed for crowds of your size, so I will offer you a bargain: renounce the Brown Saddles and you may go free!"
The Brown Saddles cheered, and as one begin stripping off their saddles and tossing them up in the air. Unfortunately, this resulted in quite a few ponies getting konked on the head, former Brown Saddles and Ponyvillians alike.
Twilight and her friends laughed. It was finally over.
They reconvened in Twilight's library. Fluttershy bandaged everypony up and Spike took a letter to the Princess.
"Dear Princess Celestia,
Today I learned that sometimes a pony might feel neglected because of the way others treat them. But that's no reason to hate all ponies just because they look like your tormentors. The real way to work through conflict is to sit down and talk things out. Fighting doesn't solve anything, although Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy can kick some serious flank."
"Twilight, don't tell her that!" Fluttershy murmured.
Twilight laughed. "Spike, take that part out and finish it up the usual way. Oh my goodness, what a day it's been."
Applejack scratched her head, and hissed as she hit one of her wounds. "Twi, Ah been thinkin'... Somethin's worryin' me, I cain't quite put mah hoof on it..."
"No, AJ, I think I know what you mean," said Rainbow Dash. "Where the hay is Rarity?"
Everypony looked around.
"I haven't seen her since she knocked out that guard!" said Pinkie.
"She wasn't with us in the bunker!" gasped Fluttershy.
"Oh my gosh!" Twilight stood up. "In all the excitement, I hadn't noticed! We should all go check her boutique!"
They ran to the Carousel Boutique, passing numerous ponies happily, if painfully, cleaning up the city. It would be a job finished the next day, unfortunately. They came to a screeching halt in front of the boutique and could hear somepony inside, laughing. Wasting no time, they rushed through the door.
There, cackling like a madpony and marching about in a circle, was Rarity, wearing the uniform she had taken off the guard. She stopped as her friends came into the room, and blushed slightly.
"Rarity!" exclaimed Twilight. "How could you?"
"After all we just been through," Applejack snorted, "y'all got the gall to go prancin' around in that getup?"
"Oh girls," said Rarity, hiding her laughter behind a hoof. "Just because I like the uniform doesn't mean I support their ideals. Besides, the Brown Saddles are all gone now, so I can wear this without any guilt!" She twirled. "Oh, doesn't it look fabulous?"
"I have to admit," Fluttershy said quietly, "it does look good on you."
"I had to take it in a little, of course, which is why I couldn't help you all, but I hear what happened and I am so proud of all of you! Which is why I'm making all of you uniforms of your very own!"
Five jaws his the floor.
"Well, don't thank me all at once!" Rarity huffed. Then she started marching again and singing, "And now it's Spriingtiiiime, for Hoofler, and Rarity!"
*****
The next morning, on a hill not far away from Ponyville, a lone earth pony sat in front of an easel and sketched the dawn. He sighed happily as emotion flowed out through his mouth-held paintbrush.
"Zis is zee life," he said to himself. "Mutti, it is so peaceful..."
