Parody? Not yet...
Cold, brisk blasts of air came from the vent, the vacuum of space just inches away from his face. Spartan D-0697 stared at the red light, whose steadfast glow was the only illumination in the isolated capsule. There was no sound, only the rhythmic pounding of the warriors heart. On either side were walls of buttons and screens, each with a different purpose and function, but none of them hummed their monotonic songs. They were dead, lacking the electricity that normally pulsed through them and brought life. Only the red light could be powered. The spartan let out another breath. Technology had failed him. In all instances, nature had outlasted and outplayed technology, and this was no exception. Oxygen was running low, and there was nothing that could be done. Soon the cabin would be nothing but carbon dioxide. The red light started to get fainter, all power slowly draining from the pod. Not even a simple light could be powered now. The warriors hand fell upon a dent. He closed his eyes, remembering the asteroid. Space was an unforgiving, desolate wasteland of lost sorrows, an expanse of nothingness so large that no purpose of its existence could be pinpointed. But this was no ordinary section of the infinite expanse, all signals had been cut off. Spartan D-0697 was alone. As he took slow, concentrated breaths, he felt his brain lose focus on his train of thought. His vision became fuzzy. As the red light became nothing more than a few slivers of electricity passing through the beaten wire, the spartan's vision went black, and everything fell into a dark slumber. Technology had failed him. His body going limp as the last molecules of oxygen were sucked up, the warriors hand uncurled, his weapon floating away in the zero-gravity environment. Outside the crackle of a fire fell on the deaf ears of the defeated machine and its human operator.
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"Oh, this is just wonderful, a day at the beach! I needed this."
Rarity quickened her stride as the sandy shore came into view, her fashionable hat almost falling off of her head, and her bags filled to the brim with beach supplies bouncing up and down with each step.
Twilight giggled. "I'm just glad that Princess Celestia was able to get us a chariot, it would've taken a days journey to get here on hoof."
"That reminds me," said Rainbow Dash, "The stallion on the left was a terrible flyer. He almost had us killed when he blinded himself by flying into that cloud!"
"Yes Rainbow Dash, we all know you could've done better," said Rarity.
"All I'm saying is that if those are the ponies that Celestia trusts with flying us around, than she has pretty low standards for chariot flyers."
Rarity guffawed. "I think they did a fine job, we're here aren't we?"
Rainbow Dash grumbled a quick, inaudible statement before hanging her head and looking forward at the beach.
The golden sand of the beach transitioned smoothly into the cerulean ocean that beat gently upon the shore. Twilight took in a deep breath of the salty ocean air and moved quickly onto the sand. Many other ponies had blankets and umbrellas already set up, their idle chatter filling up the air along with the occasional call of a seagull.
"Let's get this party started," said Rainbow Dash, spreading her wings.
"Aren't you going to help set up?" asked Twilight.
"Are you kidding, I can hear the ocean calling my name. Besides it only takes two ponies to set up the umbrella and blanket. See you guys in the water." With that, Rainbow Dash shot up into the sky and then arced down toward the water. The ponies who were already swimming looked up in fear at the ball of pony that was hurling herself toward the water at dangerous speeds and swam away as fast as they could.
Rainbow Dash entered the water with a huge splash of water and shot like a torpedo far out into the ocean. Her head popped up around a hundred meters into the water, and she released a spout of water from her mouth before submerging back into the water.
Twilight rolled her eyes at Rainbow Dash's shenanigans and lifted a blanket out of the bags she had been carrying. Rarity levitated an umbrella and stuck it into the sand in an open space, and Twilight carefully laid the blanket down next to it. Rarity, the umbrella now in place, levitated her own blanket and placed it on the opposite side of the umbrella, adjusting it multiple times to ensure that she had maximum protection from the suns harmful rays. As soon as the blanket was in place, Rarity produced a bottle of sunscreen from her bag and proceeded to cover herself in the white lotion.
Applejack, not wanting to waste any time, hurridely galloped into the water to meet Rainbow Dash after tossing her hat next to Twilight's bags, with Pinkie Pie in tow. Pinkie had a rubber duck tube around her body and large flippers on her hooves. Before leaving, she quickly donned her snorkeling goggles and waddled away behind Applejack.
Rarity and Twilight laid down on their blankets, Twilight with a book open in front of here and Rarity with a magazine. Fluttershy, not wanting to intrude on Twilight and Rarity's blankets, flew off to find the beach critters and befriend them, keeping an eye out for any animal that may be hurt.
Within the water, Rainbow Dash and Applejack playfully splashed water at each other and engaged in general horseplay and tomfoolery. As Rainbow Dash raised a hoof to block a wave of water from Applejack, her eyes focused on a speck in the sky. A small, red speck that seemed, if her eyes did not deceive her, to be getting closer. With a wave of her hoof, Rainbow Dash signaled Applejack to stop with the game and look up. Applejack heeded, looking at the sky and instantly noticing the red dot that was inexplicably growing.
Without a word, they galloped back onto the sand to tell Twilight. Water dripping off their bodies as they emerged from the ocean, they dodged the ponies who traversed the sandy shores of the beach and made it safely to the blanket Twilight rested on. At the sight of her friends rushing over, Twilight lifted her gaze from her book and patiently waited for the two ponies to finish panting and speak.
"Red dot..." started Rainbow Dash.
"In the sky..." said Applejack.
"Getting closer," finished Rainbow Dash.
Twilight, unsure of what was going on, looked up at the sky. At this point, Rarity had taken interest in the ruckus and removed her sunglasses, shifting her gaze toward the sky. Sure enough, they both saw the dot in the sky. Or, rather, a ball. And growing fast.
"I don't think it's going to stop, we need to get out of here!" exclaimed Twilight.
Fluttershy carefully flew next to the group. "Did you girls see that thing in the sky?" she asked, multiple animals circling around her as she landed.
The ponies nodded. "We need to go," said Twilight, "But we have to warn the other ponies." Without another word, the group split up, galloping down different areas of the beach while notifying the ponies about the unidentified flying object in the sky.
After a minute or two, the beach was being evacuated, the word being passed along the shoreline by the ponies who had been notified. Their work done, Twilight made her way back to her umbrella, where the other ponies had already gathered.
"Alright, I think everypony's been notified, let's go," she said. The other ponies nodded, and they started to exit the beach. The object in the sky was dangerously close, its shape and color easily visible. It's outside was engulfed in a flame caused by its speed.
"Wait a second," said Twilight, as they move off of the sand and onto the grass,"Where's Pinkie Pie?"
Turning their heads, the ponies simultaneously saw a small pink figure still splashing around in the ocean.
"I'm on it," said Rainbow Dash. Wings already in motion, her words trailed off as she sped toward the ocean, Pinkie Pie finally taking notice that the entire beach had been evacuated. Rainbow Dash said a few words, followed by Pinkie Pie looking up, screaming, and turning to run. The object was about to land.
Rainbow Dash grabbed Pinkie Pie in her hooves and took off, moving as fast as she could with the extra wait. Twilight and the others hurriedly took steps away from the impending crash of the giant metal object. Twilight could feel the heat of the object's exterior flame.
"Let's go!" yelled Rainbow Dash, approaching the group and dropping Pinkie onto the ground. They all took off at a gallop, Rainbow Dash flying overhead.
There was an audible crash, and all the ponies impulsively turned to see the flaming object smash into the beach sand. All its momentum was transferred into forward motion, propelled by its ideal angle. The object plowed through the sand with ease, creating a rut as it went, the fire already put out but the metal still a blazing orange that emanated intense heat. The creaking of the metal was audible as it pushed through the earth.
The ponies galloped faster, the object pushing through the land much faster than they could gallop. Turning her head once again, Twilight's eyes widened as she saw the object just meters away, still pulsing forward much faster than the ponies could run. Panic seized Twilight's body, and without conscious decision an instinctive impulse shot through her body, causing her horn to glow. A blinding flash of light engulfed the ponies as the metal object rushed by the spot they had previously stood, destroying everything in its path.
The ponies reappeared on the beach, far away from the metal object. Twilight's legs felt weak, causing them to buckle and collapse, leaving her a panting heap on the sand. The ponies watched the object slide effortlessly through the ground for a couple more meters before finally smashing into a large rock a long ways off. They could barely see the destructive hunk of metal, but the billowing smoke it produced was easily traced.
"We should go check it out," said Twilight.
"What?" said Rainbow Dash, "Shouldn't we notify Celestia?"
"There's no time, Spike's not here and Canterlot is too far away, we have to make sure that whatever that thing is isn't dangerous."
The ponies nodded in agreement. Twilight pushed herself off the ground, forcing her weak legs to straighten. Slowly, and to Rainbow Dash's dismay, the group trudged forward at Twilight's pace.
The journey took fifteen minutes, the ponies easily tracking the object's cloud of smoke to its location. Along the journey Twilight recovered from her previous fatigue, allowing the ponies to make the second half of the journey faster. As they came closer to the rock that had stopped the object, they noticed a large crack running up the rock, and small bits of it lying on the nearby ground.
And then they saw it. A majestic work of metallurgy that they had never seen before. As the smoke emitted from its sides, small lights faintly blinked, producing almost no light at all. The machine was a rigidly cut capsule shape with tinted glass windows that allowed only one way sight. It was unlike anything the ponies had ever seen before.
Everypony's stride immediately switched from long, full steps to short and careful ones. All of them assumed an instinctively defensive stance, the unknown nature of the machine and anything inside of it triggering an automatically protective posture and gait.
Advancing slowly, they attempted to surround the object to assure that they had it covered from all sides should it try to escape. Then, on Twilight's signal, they closed in. Well, everypony but Fluttershy, who stood far away from the object and silently spectated.
As they closed in on the object, a door on the front popped open, pressurized gas flowing out of it and creating a cloud of mist as the door was pushed open by hydraulics. At the sound of the door opening, the ponies jumped backwards and moved away from the object, but stood their ground a couple meters away. Fluttershy was in the air, already flying back towards the beach.
All at once, the spartan warrior emerged from the pod, shoving the door fully open with a show of monstrous strength. The ponies backed up even further.
Spartan D-0697 looked around. The territory was unfamiliar, unlike any he had ever seen. The colors of this new land were bright and wholesome, there seemed to be a lack of shading. His attention turned toward the ponies, which immediately brought his weapon up into an offensive position, ready to strike should the unknown species turn out to be hostile.
Twilight stifled her fear. "He.. Hello," she stuttered, taking a step forward. The spartan pointed the barrel of the gun at her, finger steady on the trigger. They spoke English, that was a good sign.
"We mean you no harm," said Twilight, "We just want to talk." Taking a quick glance at his surroundings, the spartan realized he was outnumbered and surrounded. He lowered his weapon, but still took caution should any of these miniature horses decide to attack. The purple one was obviously the leader, as she was the one to speak.
Realizing that all connections had been cut, the spartan knew he was in no position to fight or bargain. He was stranded.
"Where am I," he asked.
Twilight's ears perked up at the sound of the warrior's voice. "This is Equestria, and I am Twilight Sparkle. Are you lost?"
"I'm not lost, I'm just..." The spartan took a quick scan of the surrounding terrain. He recognized nothing. Racking his brain for information on Equestria, he drew a blank. He had no idea what "Equestria" was, or where it was.
"Yes, I'm lost," he said, swallowing his pride. He'd admit that he was lost, but he wouldn't ask for directions. No self-respecting man asks for directions.
"Well, where did you come from?" asked Twilight.
"That's classified information, or something to that effect. Look, Ima need to do something badass now. Ya'know, diplomacy being for squares and what not."
The spartan pivoted on one foot, turning swiftly and bringing his left fist full swing for a punch. With the full force of his strength, he launched the punch, the added momentum of his turn adding to its power. He made contact with a sickening crunch of bones, smashing his fist into Pinkie Pie's face. She was knocked backwards and fell onto the ground. Without waiting, the spartan unloaded an entire clip of bullets into Pinkie's body. To his dismay, the pink pony simple laid there, flailing her hooves, while giggling and pleading for the spartan to stop, as it was "tickling". He then realized that his punch had done nothing more than flatten the pony's head for a few seconds before it popped back into shape.
"What kind of sick freaks are you?" asked the spartan, turning back to Twilight.
"We're ponies. I'm a unicorn, but there are pegasi and earth ponies, too," said Twilight.
"That's nice. I'm hungry though, take me to your feeder."
"Alright... mister... actually if you don't mind me asking, what's your name?"
"I am spartan D-0679. But you can call me by my real name, Meredith."
"So you're a girl?" asked Rainbow Dash from behind.
The spartan turned around and attempted to instigate unneeded violence by shooting Rainbow Dash in the face, but his clip was empty.
"Damnit," he said, reloading his weapon.
"Alright than Meredith, let's go get you some food," said Twilight.
The ponies began walking away.
The spartan took one last look around him. Something was odd. Maybe it was the lack of shading, or the lack of questions from this new species on this new planet, or maybe it was that physics didn't seem to apply to the pink one, or maybe it was the fact that he could only walk on a 2D plane, but whatever.
He dismissed these thoughts and followed the ponies, keeping a sharp eye out for any hostiles. Unfortunately all he saw was a couple of butterflies and a lot of bunnies, not to mention the one with the pink hair continuously doing adorable things. Luckily, the spartan's heart had hardened into literal stone, making it impenetrable to cuteness.
Little did he know that viewing Fluttershy had caused the first, small cracks on that stone.
Author's Note
Will be continued next year
GMFOH stands for Get Me the Fuck Out of Here
