1:21 a.m., Doughnut Joe's Restaurant, Canterlot Plaza
"This is the C.R.G. Come out with your hooves on your head so you can be taken into custody. Failure to cooperate will be met with necessary force. You have two minutes to comply." The royal guards had completely surrounded the donut joint, making any hope for an escape plan fly out the window. Spike racked his brain for some sort of solution to his group's current dilemma.
"C'mon Spike think! It's just a bunch of guards for Celestia's sake." The purple dragon was starting to get antsy. "Figures they would come the instant the doughnut shop gets destroyed. You can find a way out of this. Just think like Twilight." He paused and scratched his chin.
"What would Twilight do?"
Spike looked around the trashed restaurant to take in their situation. Strewn about the floor were donuts, cream fillings, empty prescription bottles, and shattered glass from the entry-way door that now hung ajar by it's steel frame. Big Mac was laying in the back corner of the shop and was holding his head in a way to suggest he had a migrane, muttering something under his breath that sounded similar to 'luck' over and over again. Celtic Slew was next to Macintosh, but he was dancing and humming the 'Nyan Pony' song at twice the speed of the original. He also had a dark colored kilt on his head that the stallion look like somepony Spike knew, he just couldn't remember who. Pony Joe was sprawled across one of the countertops, his eyes red and his mouth open, which was foaming in absolute ecstasy. Spike cringed as he remembered why the doughnut maker was in such a state. The dragon decided he wasn't going to get any help from the others, so he decided to take in his own situation. It wasn't much better.
Spike was covered head to claw in sprinkles and all kinds of icing, creating a wonderful scent that made him want to throw up. His body jittered from all of the sugar he had consumed, his mind foggy from the other more... questionable substances he had ingested. Spike flinched as a megaphone began to blare loudly into his ears.
"You have one minute remaining. If you do not respond we will be forced to come in and get you. This is your last warning."
Spike looked down and let out a frustrated sigh.
"Do bachelor parties always happen like this?"
10:00 p.m., Canterlot Royal Suite, Canterlot Castle
"Come on guys, don't you think we've had enough?" Celtic and Spike stared at Big Mac with a look that said 'Are you insane?!'.
"What kind of a question is that?" Spike asked incredulously.
"Yah," Celtic continued. " 'cause Ah have an answer for ya right here. Hayl No!"
Big Mac cringed slightly at their tones (and volume) but stood his ground. "Fellas, Ah'm being dead serious. One more shot of that stuff and we'll be sick throughout tha day, and I defintitely can't miss tommorow."
"But we just started," Spike whined. "The book Twilight gave me said that the average bachelor party results in a hangover for everypony involved, especially the groom." Spike gestured between the three of them. "And from what I can see, no one is even a little bit tipsy yet."
Celtic nodded his agreement. "Tha wee dragon has a point, laddie. A sober celebration is a weak one, an' we Highland folk are almost never sober!"
Big Mac shook his head at the gigantic blacksmith. "Reinforcing that stereotype much, ain't we Celtic?" Slew replied with a wicked grin and belched loudly. Macintosh let out a sigh. "Anyways, Ah just can't be all tuckered out at the wedding. Twilight would kill--"
"Geld."
"Sterilize."
"--me." Spike and Celtic whistled innocently as the red stallion glared daggers into them. He cleared his throat and continued. "Well, Ah see ya'll know the consequences if Ah'm hungover tommorow. Which means that there will be no more partying, no more shenanigans, and definitely no more drinking!"
The farmer looked into his company's eyes. "Ya'll understand?"
Spike looked away from Mac to focus on Celtic, who was doing likewise. They stared at one another for a time, as if they were communicating telepathically, and they continued to stay like that for about a minute. Then, they both grinned like maniacs before turning back to their red friend...
10:30 p.m., Canterlot Royal Suite, Canterlot Castle
"Bloodey hayl, Ah feel lahk ma head gave birth to itself." Celtic rubbed his temples with one hoof while taking a swig of Cider O'Campbell. He took a few gulps before muttering, "Poor mother Slew, Ah now know how ya felt giving me to tha world..."
Across from the the blacksmith, Big Mac chuckled lightly before hiccuping into his own mug. "Wellf, Ah bet my horse shoes that shhe can shtill feel it!" He chuckled some more before he hiccuped again. "Say, have you seen Shpike lately?"
Celtic nodded and jerked his head in the direction of the entrance to the suite. "Li'l fella said he had some errands that required his 'mmediate attention."
Big Mac raised an eyebrow. "What kinds of 'errands' did he shay?" Celtic only shrugged in reply, continuing to down his cider to make room for more in his mug. Macintosh was about to say that they should go looking for the dragon, when lo-and-behold he entered the room carrying a ton of paper bags.
"Look what I got for the party guys!" Spike beckoned them over with a slightly worrisome excitement, since his hands were shaking tremondously. Celtic went over and gawped at the contents of the bags while Macintosh decided to question the dragon.
"Spike, where'd you get all this shtuff and how exactly ish it for the parrty?"
"Oh," Spike smirked. "I got it from one of my-heh-connections in Canterlot."
"Pony Joe?" Macitosh grinned dumbly as the dragon's smile vanished and was quickly replaced with emberassment.
"Well, yeah," Spike mumbled. "I mean... maybe?" Big Mac rolled his eyes for all to see, though the dragon ignored it.
"Anyway," he continued. "You should really check out what he gave me. It's awesome!"
Big Mac watched as Celtic started to set out the contents of each bag in a mix of horror and wonderment. Every bag contained three to five generous bottles of all sorts of alcohol; Chimicherry Chaser, 20% proof Rainboom Vodka, Stud Lite, Wub-ly Bubbly, Berry Bourban, Flim-Flam Cider (Macintosh decided to avoid that one), and a few other brands he didn't recognize.
"Spike, what's this wierd looking blue one?" Big Mac pointed to a bottle covered in stars and crescent moons with the words 'G. And P. Poison' on the front label.
"Oh." Spike rolled his eyes, but grinned nonetheless. "It's 'Great And Powerful Poison'. Supposedly, it's the strongest cider in all of Equestria. Legend has it that it once slew an Ursa-Minor when it took one sip of the stuff." Spike waggled his eyebrows at the two stallions.
"Hah!" Celtic scoffed. "Ah bet yer sweet arse it would make me sober! No drink can conquer a migh'y Highlander! Hand it 'ere and Ah'll do the honors." The blacksmith lifted the bottle to his lips. "It don' seem that--!" The blue liquid reached his tongue mid-sentence, and the reaction was instantanious. First, Celtic froze in shock, bottle still emptying it's contents into his open mouth. Then, his tongue became a magic carpet, flying with the colors now passing over his eyes. His back legs grew wings and started fluttering around the room, and he found he had no trouble balancing on the remaining two. Big Mac and Spike turned into a mass of colliding colors and textures, a rainbow with a sort of rigid fringe on the edges. He desperately wanted to touch the mass of colors. His mind floated around the interior of his body, eventually exiting his body through his rump and shifting it's view so that he faced the two rainbow blobs. Celtic slowly closed the distance between himself and his goal, nirvana seemingly residing in the strange colors...
Big Mac and Spike watched their friend freeze as the alcohol entered his mouth, his eyes turning red and closing halfway, and then falling on his back while devotedly chugging the elixir. Then he had rolled over and looked at them, his eyes widening and staring dreamily. Now, the blacksmith was sliding across the floor like an inch worm, lifting his rear-end into the air and pushing himself with his back legs. Macintosh looked at Spike with a bemused/worried look on his face. Spike, however, was unsympathetic towards the sad sight and was stifling his unrelenting giggles. They looked back at Celtic when he reached their feet, muttering 'So pretty. Ah wanna be pretty. Pretty blacksmith.' over and over again. Big Mac shook his head.
"Spike," he said gruffly. The dragon looked at the farmer with anxious eyes, preparing for a vicious scolding for his behavior. Big Mac paused before speaking again. "Spike, have you got any more of that stuff?"
Spike grinned maliciously. "No, but I've got something even better in mind."
11:00 p.m. The Royal Pub/Bar, Canterlot
Pick Your Poison. (hehe, get it?)
Youtube Video
Youtube Video
Youtube Video
"Chug, chug, chug, chug!" The whole room cheered Big Mac on as he gulped down the contents of The Party Cannon. The contraption was actually a gigantic beer bong that had 10 rubber tubes connecting to 2 funnels that were both aimed strategically so the alcohol would hit the same target. A fuze at the top served as a timer for the pony daring to challenge their metabolism. If the fuze reached the funnels, all of the alcohol was blasted out of the contraption and into the victims mouth. Hence, the reason it was named 'The Party Cannon'.
Since Spike dragged Big Mac, a delirious Celtic, and his booze to the bar, they had been downing drink after drink. A couple of ponies noticed the trio's talent for 'holding there own' and asked Big Mac if he was going to try and beat The Party Cannon. Of course he said 'eeyup', which was why he was now swallowing alcohol for dear life. His eyes bulged as he saw the fuse trickling lower and lower towards the funnels, which caused the crowd to increase their cheering.
"Chug chug chug chug!"
"C'mon Big Mac, you got this!" Spike was pumping his arms in sync with the cheers.
"Chug Chug Chug!"
"Hoo-hoo!" Celtic was prancing away from the sparks coming off of the fuse. "Hee-whoo! Almost touched ma-eeehee! Got ma rear-aaaahaaaouu!"
"Chug! Chug!"
Big Mac was starting to regret agreeing to this contest. The vodka and liquor were starting to take effect, his mind becoming foggy and his vision blurring. Two ponies had to help him stand as he drowned himself in alcohol.
"CHUG CHUG!"
But he was so close to finishing, the buckets the ponies had attached to the tubes almost to the bottom. He could do it, if he just held on...
"CHUG CHUG!"
One bucket was empty, then another a second after.
"CHUG CHUG CHUG!"
The fuse was two inches from the funnels.
"CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!"
Big Mac could feel the heat coming off of the lit fuse as he finished a seventh bucket.
"CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!"
Big Mac held his breath as he took one last gulp, praying that it would be the last one he needed to win.
"CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHU--"
*BOOM*
The crowd was blasted back as a tidal wave of air threw them against the walls of the bar. Shot glasses shattered, mugs cracked, and windows were devestated as the shock wave ran throughout the building. The ponies slowly picked themselves up, squinting to see through the dust cloud caused by the explosion. Everything was quiet for a second before-- "Big Mac? Celtic? Where are you guys?" Spike wandered to what he thought was the middle of the room and was searching desperately along the floor for the stallion.
"Where sparkley-light go?" Celtic questioned from somewhere Spike assumed was the ceiling. The dust was starting to settle and Spike could see the blacksmith's form, firmly lodged in between the top of the room and the top of the bar shelves. Spike looked around the tavern, seeing the other ponies starting to get up on their hooves and calling out for their friends (or for their drinks if they were inebriated enough.) As they regrouped, everypony started to gradually move towards the center of the room, asking questions nopony could answer.
"Where's that big, red pony?"
"Did he win?"
"I wonder if he blew up?"
The dust was still heavy around the very middle of the room. The ponies crowded around the cloud, nopony daring to break the silence that now engulfed the room. Spike stepped forward, clearing his throat and breathing slowly as he reached the edge of the fog. He cleared his throat again before he spoke.
"Hey Big Macintosh? You alright?"
Silence.
"Hey Big Mac," Spike was starting to sweat a little. "You-uh... You want to speak up there buddy? Nopony--um, could hear you?"
Spike could hear ponies mumbling around him, asking their friends if they had heard a response. The dragon was starting to grow agitated.
"Macintosh--" Spike started before he heard a rumble coming from inside the cloud. Everypony started to back away, Spike included, as the rumbling continued to increase in volume. Spike glared at the dust.
"Mac, stop foaling around and get your a--"
A belch that would have made an Ursa-Major cringe resounded throughout the room, sounding as if it was in an ampitheater. A dragonborn's Thu'um could not hope to match the strength of the belch. It was so powerful that the dust was blown away to reveal a burping Big Mac proudly holding up the party cannon, no alcohol visible on the floor or on the stallion. His burp continued for another minute or so before it finally died out, leaving the room in a shocked silence. Big Mac looked at the faces of everypony, grinning and wobbling slightly as he took in their reaction to his victory. The silence continued for another minute before it was broken by a slightly drunk voice.
"Well shit on my dick and stuff my anush, that pony jusht bucked the cannon!"
The crowd stared at the red stallion before erupting into cheers, throwing him up on their shoulders and surfing him across the wave of hooves. Spike whooted and punched the air, Celtic laughed at the rabbits dancing in his nose, and Big Mac hung lazily as he was passed through the crown. Once he completed a revolution around the tavern, he was placed on the bar by a pony who could only be the bar keep. He raised his hoof which caused the din to quiet down, ready for his speech. The bar keeper smiled before he spoke.
"Fellow drinkers, what we once thought was inconquerable has just been tamed by a stranger to us regulars. Many of us have tried our own hooves to complete the challenge, only to be met with *ahem* explosive results. Now a champion has emerged among us, slaying the bane of our very existence and freeing us from the fear we once held in place of our drinking." Many ponies were crying tears of joy. The bar tender paused for effect before continuing. "If we let this act of pure bravery go unrewarded, we shall forver be damned to the taverns of Tarturus. So in reward for you actions," He turned to Big Mac, who was starting to turn slightly green, before smiling widely and raising his arm up in the air. "Free drinks for everypony!"
The crowd went wild once again as the farmer threw up in the bar tender's face.
12:50 p.m. The Royal Pub/Bar bathrooms, Canterlot
"Oi Behg Mac, 'ook at all dhese bunniehs!" Big Mac was face down in a toilet, curtesy of his two friends. Celtic was dancing around the stalls, still off of his knocker in some strange world in his mind while Spike was still sober.
"Sh-eltic," Big Mac winced as his voice echoed in the toilet. "There aren't sh-any bunniesh, so shut zhe buck up."
Celtic ignored Macintosh completely, listening to the bunnies whisper an idea in his head. Spike looked warily as the blacksmith giggled like a filly and ran out ofthe bathroom. The dragon turned back to his shit-faced friend.
"You going to be alright, Big Mac? We don't have to do anything else the rest of the night."
Big Mac threw up into the toilet. "Ah'm thinking sh-ome coffee and ash-pirin would do me good."
Spike let out a sigh of relief. Since The Party Cannon had gone off, he had been having second thoughts about continuing their celebration. Taking care of Celtic and worrying about Macintosh had taken huge amounts of energy from him, and all he wanted to do now was relax a bit. He smiled as a thought came to him.
"Well, I had one more destination in mind for tonight if all else failed. Let's grab Celtic and head to Pony Joe's. He has plenty of coffee and he-uh, deals aspirin under the counter..." Spike grimaced as he thought of his previous investments with the donut maker. 'And everypony thought he only made bakery products,' Spike thought to himself. He shook his head and looked back at Big Mac.
"C'mon, we don't want to take too long. Celtic ran out a second ago and I have no idea what he is--" Spike was interrupted by a stallion with a purple and pink-hued kilt/hat and a tall shot glass on his forehead busting down the door and tackling a screaming Big Mac to the floor.
"Oi Behg Mac, guess who Ah am?" Spike recognized Celtic's voice and face-palmed himself. 'Oh boy, this night keeps getting better and better.'
"Who are you?" Big Mac looked confused beyond help. Celtic grinned.
"Ah'm yer bride to be, Twoilight Spahrkle!" The blacksmith burst into laughter and fell over, stopping to make 'pew-pew' noises which Spike guessed could only represent him using 'magic'. Spike rubbed his temples as his head threatened to implode.
"Celtic, where in Equestria have you been and what have you been doing?" The blacksmith smiled mischeviously in reply. Spike gave the stallion a dead-panned look.
"Celtic, what have you been up to since you left?" The blacksmith giggled and made a zipping motion with his hoof over his mouth. Spike sighed in defeat.
"Nevermind. Let's just get out of here before anything bad happens."
1:00 a.m., Doughnut Joe's Restaurant, Canterlot Plaza
"You boys look like you've had a rough night." Pony Joe was infamous for stating the obvious. Spike and his campanions had arrived five minutes ago and had ordered coffee with some aspirin for Big Mac, a doughnut w/extra sprinkles for Spike, and a rainbow sprinkle pack for Celtic to stare at. Pony Joe examined the trio as he gave them their orders. He looked at Big Mac.
"What's going on with you? You look (and smell) like a hobo."
Macintosh shrugged his shoulders. "Well, we went to the bar to get some drinks. Ah ended up competing in a drinking competition against this thing called 'The Party Cannon'. Ended up blowing up most of the bar when Ah won." Big Mac clutched his head as a new wave of pain laced through his brain, so Pony Joe decided not to interrogate the stallion further. He now looked at Spike.
"So, did you enjoy the stuff I gave you earlier?"
Spike looked over at Celtic before answering. "Well, you could say we did. Some more than others..."
Joe nodded his head. "Guess that would explain 'Twilight' over here," he chuckled and jerked his head in the direction of Celtic, who was now holding the sprinkles in his hooves and making wave motions with them while singing the 'Nyan Pony' song. Pony Joe laughed to himself.
"What in Equestria did you give him?"
Spioe shuddered. "Well, he saw that 'G. And P.' stuff and decided he could take it. This is the result."
Celtic jerked his head up at the mention of his new favorite drink. "Ooh, ooh! 'Ave you got more of dhat sweet nectar? Oh please tell ma ya do!"
Spike and Joe shook their heads while Big Mac held his head in his hooves to drown out the noise the blacksmith was making.
"Well," Pony Joe shrugged. "I have three more crates in the back--"
Celtic took off in the direction Joe indicated and returned a second later with ten bottles following in his wake (how he did that, only Pinkie would know). Before anypony could ask what he was doing, he produced a contraption from Pinkie-knows-where and placed its tubes into the ten bottles. Before anypony could react, Celtic lit its short fuse and started laughing like a maniac. Before anypony knew what the buck was going on, Celtic aimed it at Pony Joe.
"Say 'ello," Celtic cackled. "TO MAH LI'L BUNNIEHS!"
Spike ran for cover behind the icing dispenser as the fuse reached the funnels. He waited to hear the explosive report from the cannon, but nothing came. 'Huh,' Spike thought hopefully. 'Maybe the fuse was a dud--'.
*BOOM*
1:20a.m., Doughnut Joe's Restaurant, Canterlot Plaza
Spike opened his eyes slowly, partly because he was tired but mostly because he was completely covered in a mysterious sticky substance. 'Aw man,' Spike thought groggily. 'Did I have another dream about Rarity?' Spike licked his lips thoroughly, tasting icing (he was later very grateful it was icing instead of something else). His memory came back at a Snips and Snails pace, starting with the beginning of the party to the present. 'Whoa, I better check on the others. Who knows what the cannon did to this place.' Spike shuddered at the thought.
Spike stood up and looked around the room. He could see doughnuts and fillings everywhere, shattered glass from the door and windows, prescription bottles that Spike guessed were filled with aspirin, and sprinkles that were embedded into the walls like tasty shrapnel. Spike could hear sirens off in the distance, but he wasn't worried about those as much as he was about the groans and gurgles coming from the interior of the restaurant. Pony Joe had taken the brunt of the blast, so it was close to impossible for him to have not ingested any of the alcohol. He now hung loosely off of a table, foaming at the mouth and muttering something Spike translated into 'bunnies'. Deciding to check on the others, Spike could make out Big Mac in the corner, still holding his head like a foal being scolded. Celtic was dancing and singing 'Nyan Pony' at hyper speed. Concluding that no one was in any serious danger, Spike sat down to think of what to do. Then he heard the sirens stop and a megaphone being switched on.
"This is the C.R.G. Come out with your hooves on your head..."
1:26 a.m., Doughnut Joe's Restaurant, Canterlot Plaza
"Your time is up. We are moving in to arrest you. Necessary force may be used if we are met with violence. Do not attempt to escape." The officer turned off the megaphone and smiled at his partner.
"By Celestia's beard, this is the most fun I've had on the job ever!"
His friend chuckled. "Yeah, these idiots don't know what's in store for them when we take them in." He scratched his chin. "I'm a little worried though. I mean, the blew up an entire donut joint in the middle of town, and I heard they did the same thing to a bar earlier. Makes me wonder if they have a sort of weapon or something."
"Ah, stop your worrying," the officer with the megaphone said. "I'm sure whatever they used to create this mess is out of juice or whatever it uses. We'll have them safely behind bars soon emough." With that he stood to attention and motioned for the guards positioned around the perimeter to move in. Eight ponies dressed in P.L.O.T gear surrounded the door way, cattle prods at the ready in case they met resistance. The team leader held up a hoof and started to count down with his...(fingers?). He reached two when they heard a noise from inside the shop. All of the guards tensed as the noise continued.
"What's that noise?" The pony with the megaphone asked his partner.
The guard shrugged. "Well captain, if I had to say so, I'd say it was a fus--"
*BOOM*
The guards were blasted back as a mysterious blue liquid slammed into them from the donut shop. They opened their mouths to cry out, permitting the substance to enter their stomachs and engulf their senses instantly. Clouds popped up in their vision, their ears started singing an opera, and their tongues tasted something so amazing that they could not describe it other than 'like talking to bunnies' when being debriefed on the incident. Nopony noticed a small purple dragon taking one of the guard cars and stuffing his company inside. And later, nopony payed the strange beer bong any heed while investigating the donut shop.
1:40 a.m., Royal Canterlot Suite, Canterlot Castle
"We are never. Ever. EVER. To speak of this again." Spike had crashed on couch when they made it home. He had parked the car at the guard station so they wouldn't be seen as suspicious, but they had to walk the rest of the way back. He had grabbed everypony in the shop after the 'Cannon' went off and booked it to the first unlocked car he could find, which just so happened to be the captain of the guard's car. Spike knew he was lucky to have escaped and even luckier to not have been seen by anypony. Now though, he just wanted to relax and rest.
"Do we all agree to never speak or do any of this again? I'd rather not have to force you to say yes, so just say yes." Spike looked from Joe to Big Mac and to Celtic, giving them each a long hard stare into their eyes.
"Well, Ah certainly won't ever be doing this again." Big Mac spoke up first, grinding his teeth as he spoke. "An' Ah swear if anypony here tells Twilight, I'll personally see to it that Ah geld you mahself." The farm pony walked away from the group and into his room, flopping onto his bed and falling asleep instantly.
Spike looked at the remaining two ponies. "Well, do you agree with me and Mac or not?"
The two still hallucinating ponies looked at each other with stupid grins on their faces. "We'll 'ave to ask what the bunniehs think first," Celtic giggled.
"Yeah," Pony Joe was still foaming at the mouth. "They're the ones in charge of everything."
Spike raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean by 'everything'?" His answer was a series of giggling and gurgling noises. He sighed and waited for 'the bunnies' to give them their reply. Five minutes passed. Eight minutes. Fifteen minutes passed before Celtic and Joe answered in unison.
"Yes."
Spike heaved a sigh of relief as the two stallions laid down on the floor and wrapped themselves in a ying-yang kind of position. Spike felt himself being drawn to his own bed, the silk sheets caressing his scales in an almost intimate way. 'This must be the best part of a bachelor party,' Spike thought. 'When everypony relaxes and goes to sleep.' Spike shut his eyes and fell into a deep slumber...
2:00 a.m., Dreamworld, Spike's head
Bunnies. Bunnies were everywhere. They were frolicking on bed made of stars and half moons, a light and airy atmosphere surrounding them. The bunnies started to sing the Nyan Pony song, rainbows shooting out of their mouths and forming a spiral of color. It slowly sucked Spike in, whispering that everything would be revealed...
7:30 a.m., Royal Canterlot Suite, Canterlot Castle
Spike woke up screaming and covered in a cold sweat. The castle staff and the nobles inside of the royal castle would never be able to shake the dread they felt when they heard him scream. Nopony would ever look at the things he shouted in the same way again. Nopony would ever forget him shouting with all of his fury, this single sentence.
"AHHHHH, RARITY WHAT THE BUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH CELTIC AND PONY JOE!!!"
Cue End Music!
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A/N I couldn't think of any other way to end the story. If you have any suggestions for a different ending line, please tell me. Not the ending I hoped it would be, but I'm glad I finished up this thing. I hope you enjoyed the music and, I guess, the story too. I appreciate criticism, so please criticize anything I should improve on so that I can make my stories better. Love you guys and Merry End Of The World!
Ooooh, if any of you know of a good pic for this story, please send it to me. I really need a cover image. I'll love you forever if you send me one /)@3@(\
Oh, and here's a link to Knight Wing's story. RIGHT HERE. CLICK IT. DO IT, OR THE BUNNIES WILL GET YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP @_@
