Our Precious Bodily Fluids

by Fanon Canon

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Colgate, Random, Derpy Hooves
Length: 1851

Derpy goes for a check-up at the dentist and gets a rather... unpleasant lecture about health.

Going to the dentist should be a relatively simply affair for Derpy. It should contain things like dental floss, mirrors, drills, and all around general well-being of the oral cavity. It should not contain a whole lot of words, particular if those kinds of words aren't the most appropriate things to be saying when you've got your hooves in another one's mouth.

Special thanks to Setokaiva for proofreading. Turns out that is as half important as I thought it would be.

Published 2012-12-22 21:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-22 21:10:01 UTC

Dr. Ripper

A certain pegasus by the name of one D. D. Hooves was positioned in the waiting room of a dentist. To her, this was a particular position that she quite frankly despised, for a number of reasons. Firstly, it was the dentist, that really should have been all needed to say about her particular entanglement. The dentist is never a good place for a pegasus to be, but in the case of Hooves, it's especially a slightly dangerous scenario to be in. See, Hooves was not a particularly... well, stable mare. Stable in the sense that, if she was required to stay within one place, like now for instance, she would find it hard to maintain her posture without bumping into something or causing a very mini crisis within such a small confined space.

Another reason was that... well, it was the dentist. It's never a good thing for any one pegasus to have an appointment at the dentist. Hooves in particular had a strong aversion to any mare or stallion that poked their hooves and utensils about in her mouth. Yet, it was something that was apparently "essential" for her health, even though she had yet to come across any negative side effects of having bad teeth.

And another reason... Hooves simply did not want to be here. It was certainly an entirely different matter had she enjoyed going to the dentist, yet she did not. Combined with her clumsy tendencies and how she perceived the occupation of dentistry (that perception being "It's a waste of time!"), it was more than understandable that she considered the whole thing akin to some nasty version of Tartarus, except it was the slow boring kind that had the nagging effect of making time itself slow down.

Yet despite virtually everything telling her how much it sucked to be stuck inside this waiting room, Hooves managed to maintain her composure. And soon enough, her behaviour would be rewarded, if this could be considered a reward, by the voice of the secretary pony calling her back to reality from the private battle of boredom within her mind.

"The doctor will see you now." She simply stated.

Hooves picked up on those words, and viewed them with some private kind of awe. There was some satisfaction to finally hear of this new development, even if it meant facing all things she hated about the art of dentistry. Nevertheless, she soldiered up, and managed to make the somber trot through the door to the doctor's lair.

The doctor in question was facing the wall with her back turned to Hooves when she entered. Despite having such a nice inviting pattern to her, with a light blue coat adorned with a dark blue mane with a white streak through it, the very first words that came out of her mouth the moment she saw her patient made Hooves feel that she was in for a rough time.

"Derpy Hooves?" She asked stoically.

"Yes Ma'am." Derpy did her best to appear amiable despite the foreboding feelings in her form.

The doctor acknowledged her. "Lay down." She told her, gesturing to the "operation chair" that separated the two.

Derpy Hooves did as instructed, settling down into the chair as best she could, finding the sudden change in view somewhat jarring.

The doctor moved next to her. The horn on her head was shrouded in a bright blue glow as the chair Derpy had sat herself in suddenly stretched itself out into a table. Now the doctor was hovering above the pegasus, staring down at her with the same stoic expression. Another bright magical glow and the artificial light above the two fixed itself to stare down upon the pegasus, who diverted her gaze to avoid filling her vision with it's bright orange light. The doctor readied her mouth mirror within her left hoof, another instrument within her right, bid Derpy to open her mouth, and wasted no more time in commencing her exploration of the pegasus' mouth.

This was one of the reasons Derpy was so averse to the dentist. A mouth is one of the most vulnerable places within a pony's form. To have all these foreign objects inside, probing it was a most uncomfortable experience. She found it a most ironic thought that all this was being done for her health. The doctor seemed to have a different outlook about the whole ordeal; she carefully examined each and every chasm, crevasse and feature of her mouth, occasionally sighing and murmuring to herself in disapproval, much to Derpy's discomfort. Eventually she decided to turn her sighs into words.

"These gums." She began somewhat solemnly. "When did you last brush your teeth, Miss Hooves?"

"This morning." The pegasus replied, once the doctor had retracted her instruments.

"And before that?" She continued.

"Last night." Derpy maintained.

"And before that?" The doctor persisted.

"...The other night before that." Derpy informed her quietly.

"That's what I thought." The doctor sighed to herself, before returning to survey the pegasus' teeth.

Derpy kept her mouth open, though as the doctor continued her probing, it started to become more of a struggle. The doctor must have picked up on this, and subsequently lit up her horn, and another instrument hoovered to the operation, settling inside Derpy's mouth and was now keeping it propped open. Needless to say, the sense of discomfort she was feeling only seemed to elevate, now that she was in a position where she had no control over her mouth.

"Miss Hooves." The doctor sighed to herself. "I don't suppose you ever considered the fact that... while our teeth are merely the frontiers to our bodies. What we take in... and how it is taken in, can have severe consequences on how we as ponies live and operate."

"Oh." Derpy muttered through the contraption holding her jaw apart, and making speech a relatively hard thing to do.

"Miss Hooves." The doctor continued, all the while going about the pegasus' mouth. "Do you know what I see... when I look at your teeth?"

"Umm." Derpy struggled to get out.

"I see negligence." The doctor continued without want for a reply. "I see carelessly... but most importantly, I see a complete disregard... for the very living matter of your composition."

Derpy's eye moved to stare up into the probing sapphire blue pearls of the doctor.

"Hooves." She continued. "I don't suppose you ever considered... that while we sit here, chatting away so amicably... deep down, in your body... deep down, there's a particular set... of fluids... that maintain... and perpetuate your entire figure. The life giving essence of every mare that resides deep down."

Derpy was having a lite trouble keeping with the doctor. Her mind had become ablaze with concern after the word "fluids".

"The essential essence, Hooves." The doctor continued. "Over half of our bodies' composition is made entirely of liquids... all kinds of liquids... and those liquids are the life giving essence... that provides health and nourishment to every generation that will ever exist."

Below her, Derpy let out a noticeable cry of alarm.

"Hooves." The doctor continued her speech. "Do you drink water?"

"Huh?"

"Of course you do." She said regardless. "We, as natural pony beings require copious amounts of water... to rejuvenate and replenish our essential essence. Hooves... do you know... what substance expedites the loss of essence in the fastest way?"

It was all too apparent at this stage that the good doctor did not need to acknowledge the pegasus' input, for she would continue on regardless.

"Sugary foods, Hooves." She explained. "Processed dairy... ice cream... and muffins. Muffins Hooves!"

Derpy let out another grunt of discomfort that was silenced by the doctor further probing her mouth with her instruments.

"Hooves... do you know... why our Princess Celestia has maintained such a long and illustrious reign?" She asked.

Her cold sapphire blue eyes looked down at the alarmed cross-eyed Derpy.

"It is because..." She began. "That throughout the years... she has maintained a naturally proportionate amount of the life giving essence. Hooves... do you know... why our Princess Luna turned to evil?"

Well there was a pretty simple explanation to that, it was only recorded in the annals of history.

"It is because." The doctor said. "That once a month... when the moon is at it's fullest... mares, we... undergo, a period of discomfort... we lose our composure, go a little funny in the head... do you know what this results in?"

Derpy could not bring herself to even imagine what the answer was.

"It results!" The doctor exclaimed. "... In the contamination... the infection... but most importantly... the loss... of our precious bodily fluids!"

The doctor looked down to her pegasus with such a fury in her eyes, enraged at such a scenario. And all the while, her hooves were still inside the pegasus' mouth, probing away with all the mechanical tools the Derpy had surprisingly forgotten all about.

"Ingenious isn't it." She remarked. "Loss of essence... there is no greater threat our generation has ever faced... I almost didn't realise how important our fluids were... until I became aware of it... through the physical act of love."

Now Derpy would have given anything to make the doctor stop talking. Yet her instruments still held her mouth hostage so she had no choice but to sit there and hope the doctor was nearing the end of her speech.

"Yes, a profound sense of responsibility." She continued. "Stallions, they... imbue me with their essence... but I must deny them. Our precious bodily fluids are too important to waste... on such frolicking activities. Hooves... do you know what happens to a mare... without any essence? They become barren... it is a most unpleasant experience... it's death, Hooves."

Now the doctor observed the pegasus, not with fury, but with remorse. Her sapphire pearls glazed over, and relented a single tear.

"I think we're done here." She finished suddenly, withdrawing from Derpy's mouth and removing the brace that held it open.

Derpy took the chance to reach her head over to the water basin on her side, and spit out the contents of her trailing mouth. The doctor simply observed her, stoic in appearance yet again.

"Well... doctor, umm." The pegasus stuttered, before finding her name located on the apparel she wore. "Minuette. Thanks for the check up. Now if you don't mind, I err... gotta go... drink something, or other... um."

The doctor simply observed her making the clumsy notions of removing herself from the office.

As soon as her hoofsteps had faded away, the doctor trotted over to her desk. Relieving herself of her dental apparel, she opened a drawer in her desk, took out a foreign item she knew to be a cigar, lit it up with a match and placed it in-between her teeth. Stoically observing the sterile scene of her office, an epiphany suddenly dawned upon the unicorn, who removed the lazily smoking roll of tobacco from her teeth and uttered a few scared words.

"How the hay does dentistry work on ponies anyway...?"