2 Direct hit!

The Administrator swiveled round on her chair, sniggering to her self.

"Well, that went much better than planned, don't you agree, Miss Pauling?" She said as she lit another cigarette.

"Oh yes, definitely!" nodded Miss Pauling over enthusiastically. She always tried to spend as little time in the control room as she possibly could. The amount of second hand smoke floating around in there was phenomenal. How the Administrator managed to talk without coughing every couple of seconds was a mystery to Miss Pauling, especially considering that fact that she never went five seconds without another cigarette in her mouth, even in her sleep.

"Did DeGroot accept the deal?"

"Oh yes." said Miss Pauling. "He looked like a kid in a toy shop when he first set his one eye on the eyelander. He seemed reluctant to accept at first, but a bit of lying about his friend's integrity soon fixed that."

"Mann Co. never fails to impress." said the Administrator. She looked down at the the rocket launcher propped against the control panel.

"Although I think this thing is missing something..."

"The Direct Hit?"

"Yes..." she said as she ran her fingernails across its surface.

Pauling raised her eyebrow.

"If you don't mind me saying ma'am, this is a rocket launcher. I think its safe to say that the Soldier has a fighting chance against the eyelander, which is a sword. A haunted sword, but a sword nonetheless."

"He isn't supposed to only use the sword nitwit! That would be ridiculous! I mean, who would go into battle these days with only a sword and shield?"

"Well..."

"And as for the Soldier, he already has a rocket launcher, Miss Pauling. In fact, he has several. What we need to give him is something with a bit more, pizzazz. Something, that while may not be too effective, is an addition to his arsenal that he literally cannot get anywhere else."

"Are you suggesting that we get him an unusual hat?"

"No Miss Pauling, what I suggest is that we improve this weapon. And I think I know just the person to do it."

The car came to a halt outside of the gates of the aging mansion, and two shadowy figures stepped out of the vehicle. One of them was wearing a short skirt, a purple top and a pair of designer glasses. The other was dressed from head to toe in a red, asbestos lined hazard suit, and wore black gas mask over his head.

"You sure this is the right address?" queried Miss Pauling, looking down to check her trusty clipboard.

"Huddda huh!" said Pyro, as he hefted his home made flamethrower and the Direct Hit out of the boot of the car.

Miss Pauling shuddered. She had heard the stories about that maniac, about the way he watched men, burning and screaming in agony as their internal organs turned to ash, with the same kind of morbid fascination of a child pulling the wings off a fly. She wished that the Administrator had let her come with someone a little more level headed, like Spy, but she had insisted. After all, the man they were interested in lived in castle filled with ancient books. He would be much more likely to oblige to their demands if there was a flamethrower pointed at his collection. Pauling walked over to the drivers window.

"You wait here. We shouldn't be too long. And remember, you didn't see anything."

"No probs, Missus." said the driver, pulling out a copy of the Gravel Pit Times. He opened it, gave it a shake and began to read it intently.

"Didn't see nuffink."

Satisfied, Pauling walked back over to the iron gates that Pyro was testing for flammability with his lighter. Realizing that that the material that the gates were created from was non-combustible, he grunted and re-pocketed the lighter. Miss Pauling gave him a stern look.

"Now remember. You're not here to set everything on fire, you're here to intimidate him, to threaten his books if he doesn't comply. He won't help us if you burn down his mansion within the first five seconds of arriving. Do I make myself clear?"

"Hudduhh..."

Without warning, the gates swung open ominously, as if by their own will. The pair advanced down the cobblestone path, flanked on either side by tombstones and overgrown shrubbery, Pyro twitching as he fought the urge to set them on fire. As the pair approached the huge front door, an unusual smell hit.

"Is that, sour cream?"

Miss Pauling knocked on the door.

"Turn back now! Lest ye be cursed till next Tuesday!"

"Mr Merasmus?"

"That's lord wizard high mage of darkness Merasmus to you, welp!"

"We're here on business! We were hoping you could...enchant something for us. That is what it said on your business card."

"Punters? Wow, Merasmus' fortunes seem to be taking a turn for the better. One moment, my dear!"

Pyro and Miss Pauling waited outside the door as the sound of multiple latches and padlocks being unlocked echoed around the dark moor. Eventually after five minutes, the doors swung open, revealing the tall and imposing figure of Merasmus.

He wore a dark black cloak and a black scarf, coiled tightly around his neck like a boa constrictor. Across his right shoulder he wore a leather bag and across his left he wore a rope with three fish heads strung along it. In his right arm he held a large branch, forged in the fires of hell for over ten thousand years (Source: Merasmus himself), But the most unusual item in his varied apparel was a dirty old goat's skull sitting upon his wrinkled head, with a couple of eyeballs wedged in its sockets.

"Cower fools! Merasmus is here!" screamed Merasmus, raising his arms into the air. Thunder crackled on cue in the distance.

"Excuse me?"

"Oh pardon me. Merasmus gets carried away sometimes."

Miss Pauling and Pyro stepped inside into the castle foyer. The place was lit by a few flickering candles and there were cobwebs everywhere.

"Please wipe your feet on the mat, but gaze not upon it! Tis cursed with the soul of a most terrible witch! Seriously, you do not want to mess with margret."

Miss Pauling rolled her eyes. She didn't understand why the Administrator was wasting her time with this lunatic, but she did not question her. Pauling wasn't paid to question, she was paid to sort out the bills and do the dirty work.

"Follow Merasmus! Don't touch anything!"

"Hudda huh!" said Pyro enthusiastically.

The trio walked down the dark hallway, the level of disrepair becoming more apparent the further they went.

"Merasmus is regretful about the mess. Merasmus was expecting a smith today to upgrade the lighting, but the idle cretin Merasmus summoned did not turn up! Ohhh, he will pay for making wet gunpowder out of Merasmus, mark my words!"

The unpleasant smell of moldy sour cream strengthened.

"Ah, here we are mortals!"

Merasmus pushed open a set of thick oak doors to reveal a magnificent library, stocked with books forgotten by mainstream history and science, books containing powerful spells and horrifying curses. Like the rest of the mansion, it was lit by a couple of candles and decorated with a wide variety of spiders webs. The most powerful books sat on pedestals scattered around the edges of the room. Such books could only be used by the most powerful magicians, for lesser mortals could do naught but succumb to their superior will.

"Welcome to the grand library!" Shouted Merasmus, the room instantly illuminating with an eerie purple glow. A few of the books began to reshuffle themselves into different locations.

Miss Pauling looked around the room with awe. She had known of the existence of magic for many years now, especially since many of the more unstable Mann Co. weaponry used it as a key component. However, none of the enchantments used could compare to the sheer level of eldrich power flowing around the room. She had severely underestimated this guy. She would not make the same mistake again.

"So!" said Merasmus, turning back to his hosts and rubbing his hands with glee.

"You wish for Merasmus to enchant a weapon, you say?"

Miss Pauling nodded at Pyro, who offered up the rocket launcher he was carrying on his back towards Merasmus.

"Ehh" grunted Merasmus, levitating the Direct Hit in-front of his face. He examined the weapon closely, summoning a leather bound notebook and pen to his side, which began to take down notes all by itself. Merasmus grunted again as he run his dirty fingernail along its surface.

"Sorry." he exclaimed suddenly, telekenetically throwing the weapon back into the arms of Pyro, who only just managed to catch it.

"Mphf!"

"What do you mean, sorry?" Asked Miss Pauling frustratedly.

"I mean I will not tamper with it." He waved his arm dismissively.

"To tell the truth, Merasmus has not been keeping up to date with the modern weaponry. Much more of a traditionalist myself. If Merasmus did attempt to enchant this weapon, a whole host of anomalous calamities could occur. Besides, the destructive power of a cannon enchanted by the great Merasmus would be to much for a mere mortal."

"Are you sure you won't give it ago?"

"Yes, a wizard is always sure. Begone, troublesome pair, you have wasted enough of my time already."

Miss Pauling sighed. "Well, if your sure..."

She clicked her fingers towards Pyro who raised his flamethrower threateningly.

"Hu hu hu hu!" laughed Pyro as he stalked towards the nearest bookshelf. The books ceased to shuffle themselves and scattered off in every direction, trying to find a place to hide from the deranged pyromaniac.

"You think you can bully Merasmus like he's some cheap parlour magician?" Laughed Merasmus nervously. Pyro continued his advance on the bookshelf.

"Leave now and Merasmus may spare your miserable life!"

Pyro ignored him and took another step.

"I will spare your miserable life, then!"

Another step. Pyro tightened his finger around the trigger.

"Enough!" Screamed Merasmus. "Fine, fine, I'll enchant your stupid rocket launcher!"

Miss Pauling smiled and clicked her fingers.

"Huhhhhhh? Hudda huh huh!" said Pyro angrily as he skulked back over to Miss Pauling's side. So close.

"Glad we could come to an agreement, sir."

Merasmus magically yanked the Direct Hit from Pyro's back. He leaned close to the side of his head.

"I won't forget your face soon, microphallus. Pray that we never cross paths again."

Merasmus turned dramatically, his huge cape billowing behind him. He approached one of the many pedestals scattered around the room. Upon it rested a leather bound book, which had the bizarre image of a monster eating a bomb on it's cover.

"The Bombinomicon should provide me with the hexes needed to enchant this wretched weapon." He said, in a somewhat less enthusiastic way than he was speaking before. He swung round to face the pair.

"Gaze not upon the Bombinomicon! Lest you would have your eyeball haunted for an eternity! Believe me, It wouldn't be the first time to happen."

The wizard began to flick through the book, his eyes intently scanning each page for the enchantment he was looking for. Finally, he slammed his hand down on the right page.

"Oh be quiet book, that didn't hurt! Ahem, here we are!" Holding the book in one hand and levitating the rocket launcher in the other, he began to utter the magic words.

"Bazbo badabra!" He shouted. The Direct Hit flashed a bright turquoise colour as the spell struck, dark eldrich power flowing through it.

Satisfied with his work, Merasmus turned back to the pair. He handed Pyro the rocket launcher carefully.

"There, Merasmus has filled his side of the bargain."

He held his hand open expectantly. "Now it is time for you to do the same."

Miss Pauling threw a wad of American dollars into the wizard's hand. He began to flick through them greedily.

"Anything we should know about the affects of this enchantment?" Asked Miss Pauling.

Merasmus looked up at her.

"Due to the outlandish nature of the enchantment, there may be a few unfavorable side affects, especially if the enchanted weapon comes into contact with another of its kind. Such oddities may include but are not limited to; Dimensional rifts, weapon jamming and an incurable addiction to pastries amongst other things. Other than that, the weapon should function the same way that it before, but benefit from a 10% damage increase. Would you like a receipt?"

"No thanks, best to keep this unofficial" said Miss Pauling, taking notes down onto her clipboard.

"Thank you for your services Merasmus. TF industries looks forward to working with you in the future." Miss Pauling and Pyro turned and walked out of the library, back towards the front doors.

"Pah! Begone, heathen filth! Lest you drive Merasmus over the edge of his tolerance levels! Oh, and would you like me to inscribe my gmail address upon that parchment board for you? Merasmus is always open for business! ... As long as you don't bring him with you next time."