Triple X

by ElMikkino

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Doctor Whooves, Sad, Lyra, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Romance
Length: 60165

Slice-of-life about Sly Clop, who owns a porn shop in Ponyville.

Sly Clop is a laid back slacker who runs one of Ponyville's only porn shops on Soresaddle Street. He is a regular customer of Hard Cider's "gentlecolt's club", the Knife and Apple, where he regularly shoots the breeze with Rainbow Dash, who's seen better days.

One day, his only employee quits, and he's forced to hire a new one, starting a new awkward relationship with Lyra, who needs cash. What follows is a lighthearted fic with dark undertones that I hope you'll enjoy.

And if I haven't convinced you enough by this point, no, this not a clopfic.

New cover image by mickf18 on deviantART (DeusExKane here).

Published 2012-01-16 18:36:27 UTC
Last updated 2012-06-06 05:33:14 UTC

Chapter 1 (Rewritten)

There's a dark secret on the edge of Ponyville, just off of Mane Street. It's strategically positioned just after the main entrance to town, but it's inconspicuous enough that you'd have to be looking to find it. It's what you might call the underbelly of Ponyville: Soresaddle Street.

To be blunt, this is the street for hookers, druggies, strip clubs, sex shops, and just about anything else you can think of that you wouldn't expect to exist in this seemingly cheery town. Like for example, the establishment I ran. The sign that displayed my establishment's name was in a sultry font, the door had a flashing neon sign that said "Fillies! Fillies! Fillies!", some of the more tame posters for flicks that I've gotten over the years were plastered up all over the windows, and there were at least seventeen "XXX" stickers on the storefront.

Yep, the Mareborough is a porn shop.

Now that I think about it, the atmosphere inside was pretty strange. The back half of the store was lit by a few bare fluorescent tubes, illuminating my four aisles of illicit material with their sickly yellow light, while the front half of the store was lit only by a few candles shaped like cigarette lighters. It was a pretty strange choice of decor, I must admit. The front part of the store used to be lit by tubes, as well, but I couldn't stand the glare of them, so on a whim, I had taken all of the ones over the counter down when I first came to own this place. I had planned on replacing them all, but just before I had started taking them down in the back half, I realized that I didn't have enough money to buy new lights. So, after cursing my stupidity, I went out and bought those candles, and that's what my decor has remained. I should probably get around to changing it, though. I've had more than one customer shuffle nervously out of the store 'cause they thought some crazy occult business was going on. Or at least, that's what the Doctor's told me.

I turned in my chair and reached behind me, grabbing my freshly-opened pack. It contained 12 little sticks of heaven. Well...make that 11.

I cursed under my breath as I fumbled with my lighter. Years of practice hadn't made it any easier to do this with hooves. Unicorn smokers have it so much easier. They can just imagine that their cigarette is on fire, and lo and behold, it is.

I looked at my reflection in the small mirror on the countertop. I stroked a hoof across my gray cheek, and I was easily able to feel the bone underneath. I just naturally didn't really eat much, but that didn't really help my appearance. Suddenly interested in how I look, I stroked a hoof through my black mane, attempting to smooth down the unruly mess. I was dismayed when it almost immediately popped back out to its original state. I sighed, and looked down at my cutie mark, wondering if my special talent was looking sketchy. Triple X's was a bit uncreative, but it did get the message across that this wasn't a guy you wanted your fillies to be around. Which was totally unfair; I'm not at all interested in that fetish.

It was 2 A.M. Almost closing time, and just a little bit past peak hours, though "peak" is an overstatement in any sense of the word, since only around 5 customers came in tonight. I yawned, and decided I'd close up shop early.

I groaned as I lifted myself out of the chair. I then locked the front door, and passed by my new business cards on the way upstairs. "Sly Clop, Owner, Mareborough Adult Entertainment", they read. I now regretted my decision to have my name in the largest type, as I've never been particularly fond of it. What was with Dad? Who names their only son "shady fuck"? Thanks, pops. May you rest in peace.

'I turned off the fluorescent tubes, ceasing their sickly yellow light. I walked upstairs to my excuse for a living space. In it was a simple mattress, which smelt like it hadn't been washed in months (it hadn't), with a low-end computer on a desk on one side, along with a half-broken chair, and a mini-fridge on the other. I realized I had forgotten to use the bathroom before coming upstairs, but I decided I couldn't be bothered with walking down them again. I had gone fairly recently, anyways.

I stubbed out my cigarette in my bedside ashtray, and collapsed into bed. It hadn't been a very exciting day today, but that was normal on the days I didn't go to Hard Cider's "gentlecolt's club". The Doctor and I alternated the late night shift, which means I'd have tomorrow night free to go to the club. Hopefully, it'd make the day less monotonous. I closed my eyes, and drifted off to sleep.

"Well, I'm sorry that things turned out this way, but I've come here to say...I quit."

Well, that wasn't the wake-up call I was hoping for. I had woken up two minutes ago to the sound of incessant rapping on the shop door, and I was surprised to see when I got down there that it was an excited Doctor Whooves making the racket. I had hoped he had come to do my shift in hopes of earning some extra bits, but he dashed those hopes quickly, adding onto my already grumpy mood.

I scowled at my now-ex-employee. "Whooves, what kind of half-assed idea do you have now?"

"Uh-uh," said Whooves, waving a hoof in the air. "It's not 'Whooves' anymore. It's 'Love Doctor'."

Oh boy, here we go again. I had to restrain myself from facehoofing. For as long as I've known him, The Doctor's had this crazy idea that he's one of the most respected playcolts in the entire town. But really, he's just one of those ponies who gets good at talking to mares when he's drunk. It's gotten him with a mare or two, but he always finds it hard to remember how he made that happen the morning after.

I sighed. "Okay, 'Love Doctor', what does this have to do with you quitting?"

"It has everything to do with me quitting!" said Whooves, throwing his hooves in the air. "Celestia gave me a gift when I came to this world. And that gift is these magic hooves." He held them up in front of his face, and a strange grin began to stretch from ear to ear, as if his hooves were diamonds or something.

I groaned. "What are you talking about, Whooves? And stop doing that, you look like a pedo."

He ignored me. "I'm serious about quitting, Sly. These hooves have made many a mare beg for more. And now, it's time to put that skill to use. 'The Love Doctor's Love Counseling for Stallions'. I can see it now." His creepiness level rose even higher as he acquired a far-away look in his eyes.

If I was a more rowdy stallion, I'd punch that smug look clean off his face. But I prefer to be a stallion of words, instead. If you work them well, they sting harder than any punch. "So, let me get this straight; you're going to make ponies pay you just to have you talk about how to pleasure a filly?"

Whooves broke from his strange pose. "That's right," he said happily. I rolled my eyes. "Just think of how many lonely stallions there are in this town!"

I turned my eyes from Whooves. The Doctor had definitely gone off the deep end now, considering you just have to walk outside to see that mares outnumber us stallions by at least five to one. His plan made about as much sense as the hydra-on-hydra DVD I was inadvertently looking at. It sometimes amazes even me what's stocked in the "obscure fetishes" section.

I turned my head back to Whooves, and looked him in the eye. A little part of me had hoped this was all a joke, but with that hopeful look in his eyes, I saw that he was very sincere. I sighed. "Okay, Whooves, if you think this is a good idea, I have no way to stop you. I'm not your boss anymore."

"Thanks, Sly!" said Whooves, his ears happily perking up. "Now, uh, about this final week's pay..."

"Yeah, yeah, here it is..." I said as I unlocked the drawer in the desk with its key. That's another thing that unicorns can do so much more easily. Hard to hold onto the key with your teeth and get the drawer open at the same time. You can't even really see what you're doing.

I gave the Doctor his last paycheck. He grabbed it in his teeth and merrily hopped towards the doorway, a blissful smile on his face.

"Wish me luck!" he yelled as he opened the door.

"Huh?" I said. "Yeah, yeah, sure. Good luck..." The Doctor closed the door behind him, and trotted away. "...You'll need it."

Well, that was a great start to the day.

9 PM. Nine hours on the shift. If the Doctor hadn't quit, he would've relieved me two hours ago. I had gotten a few customers today, mostly nervous stallions. Big Mac had come round to pick up the latest DVD in the Cock-A-Doodledoo series. He's as giddy as a schoolfilly when the newest one of those comes out. Kinda scary to see a guy as big as him skip out the door. It's just porn.

Snips and Snails had also tried to trick me again, but being the incompetent fools they are, they once again didn't succeed. Don't they know the "trenchcoat-mustache-stand-on-one-another's-shoulders" trick is the oldest in the book? Even my pops faced that one frequently.

I'd gone through more than half of the pack of Mareboro cigarettes I started on last night. I realized I couldn't mind the store for another five and a half hours, and my mind made up the pretty terrible excuse that the thin haze of cigarette smoke in the air would somehow suffocate me if I didn't get out of here. I somehow managed to convince myself that this was true, and decided that even though it would just hurt business further, I should go somewhere else. Like, the Knife and Apple!

I grabbed the keys, locked the door, and trotted across the street to the place. It was pretty inconspicuous from the outside, just a little wooden sign flapping in the warm summer wind, the logo of a knife laying beside an apple painted in the centre. The bar-(and-brothel)'s name was written in mahogany on a pretty fancy sign above the doorway. The discreetness of the exterior was a stylistic choice, though, not a necessary one; prostitution has always been legal in Equestria, though it's been frowned upon for as long as I can remember. The bouncer nodded as I walked in. I'm one of Hard Cider's closest buds, so he gave me a lifetime free membership here, which covers the fee I'd normally pay at the door. Despite the frequency of my visits, though, I don't think Hard Cider is losing any money off me. I usually buy a healthy, or rather, unhealthy amount of drinks.

I opened the door, and went down the stairs. Here's a fun fact: my dad died right here. It wasn't anything violent, he just drank too much and fell down these stairs. I was only barely old enough to run the shop. As strange as the codger could be sometimes, I cared for him, and it really hurt when I heard the news. But, I've learned to put the past behind me. The stairs didn't actively try to murder him, anyways. They're pretty swanky carpeted ones, too. They probably have never had a bad thought in their lives. Or any thoughts, for that matter.

I arrived at the bottom of the steps, and I was once again taken aback just by the sheer length of the space. The bar itself already was of a pretty considerable size, and the space around it could already be considered a complete establishment. Instead though, it continued on to a dining area. A couple of booths were on each wall, their fake leather reflecting the light from the overhanging lamps. A scarred wooden table lay in the centre of each. Past that, the hardwood flooring suddenly changed into a plush carpet, marking the beginning of the stage area. An arc of about forty velour seats surrounded the wooden stage, a silver pole standing in the centre of it. Crimson curtains covered the brick wall behind it.

Hard Cider waved at me from the bar, snapping me out of my reverie. He's a distant relative of the Element of Honesty, though he's not the most respected member of the Apples. That's what you get for running what is essentially a whorehouse. A few of the regulars were already seated at the bar, and one of the strippers was poledancing in the back to what I must say was a pretty sizable crowd of stallions. Of all the places on Soresaddle Street, this "gentlecolt's club" really was one of the only shops where business was booming.

Hard Cider's tawny coat shone under the warm glow of the overhanging lights. He brushed some of his dark brown mane out of his blue eyes with a hoof. "What'll it be, Sly?" he asked.

"Just the usual Applejack Daniel's No. 7, Cide," I responded. If you're wondering, that's actually not named after the Element of Honesty; rather, a relative of hers.

As Cide went to get the bottle, the pegasus beside me turned her head towards me. She was also one of the regulars, as well as one of the only females that ever came back a second time.

She looked me over with her ragged eyes before speaking in her usual raspy voice. "So, how's the Mareborough these days, Sly?" She took a sip of her martini as she finished her question.

"Could be doing better," I replied. I assessed her with a glance. Her cyan coat looked like she hadn't washed in at least a week, and her multicoloured hair was dull and flat. Rainbow Dash was not the mare she used to be.

If you're wondering how she got like this, it is a story. Only about a year after she and the other five Elements defeated Discord, the Wonderbolts came to her and asked if she wanted to join their training camp. Because this was Rainbow Dash's dream, she quickly accepted, only stopping to say quick goodbyes to her friends. RD being RD, she got through camp in only a year, one of the fastest times of any Wonderbolt. Then, for another year, she was one of them. Soaring through the skies at high speeds, living it up at all the big shows, and basically doing everything she ever wanted to do.

Then, it all came crashing down when she was found in bed one morning with Spitfire. For professional reasons, in-team relationships were strictly forbidden. Spitfire was lucky; because her name and face were displayed on t-shirts, coffee mugs, stickers, and any other item the Wonderbolts thought would turn a profit, she was spared serious punishment. Rainbow was not so lucky. She was thrown out like last week's trash, and her name was smeared all over the tabloids and gossip rags. You'd think someone who's saved the world twice would get more respect.

Rainbow returned to Ponyville, and tried to get back to her normal life. It just wasn't the same, though. She had fallen from such a lofty plateau that she couldn't stand being on the bottom rung again. Both now and before, ponies would look at her with a disbelieving look on their faces, and point out to their friends that this mare was in fact Rainbow Dash. But not too long ago, they'd do it with wonder in their eyes, and they'd usually ask for an autograph afterwards. Now, though, they did it with tinges of worry, and just pure astonishment at how haggard Rainbow had become so quickly after her return. Even Rainbow's friends couldn't really clear the dark cloud hanging over her. Eventually, she turned to drink, and found Soresaddle Street. I had felt sorry for her, as anyone who lived in Ponyville probably did. She could barely even keep her job on the weather team. We became friends when I saw her at the bar a third night in a row, just basically drinking herself to death. I had intended to only go over and tell her not to drink so much, but I guess we somehow clicked, and I didn't even need to say anything in the end; she was too pleased to have someone to talk to to remember drinking.

When Rainbow Dash was happy, she really was a thrill to talk to. I was glad that I had finally found someone to talk to at the club, since Hard Cider was always too busy serving drinks. What happened to her still sucks, though. From what she's told me, it sounds like she could've been the captain of the Wonderbolts, or something.

"Heh, you could be doing better? Join the club," said Rainbow, snapping me out of my reverie.

I sat down beside her. Even though Rainbow has gotten a bit better since she first came back, her days are still not going very well. Every other day, something happens at her job, and on the off days, suddenly a new problem comes up, one that usually involves the bits she does not have. "What happened today?" I asked.

She swirled her martini around. "The usual. Cloudkicker was fed up with my 'antics', and he shouted at me for like, five minutes. That's nothing special though. What's eating you?"

I groaned. "Doctor Whooves just quit."

"He did?! B-but why?!" Rainbow Dash gawked. I've always described Whooves a great employee, and a good friend, too. We've always been on good terms. After I befriended Rainbow Dash, Whooves and her started hanging out at the bar, too, and Rainbow knew him almost as well as I did. I suppose he neglected to tell her about his little "plan", though.

I rolled my eyes. "I dunno, he has some crazy scheme; thinks he can make money selling relationship tips to stallions."

"Psh, he'll never make anything. I know him. I mean, really, I don't think Berry Punch should even count."

"I know, he's really full of himself this time. He's convinced he'll be famous, or something. Heh, that'll be the day."

"Sure will be. Hey, Cide, get me another martini!"

We both shot the breeze for a while after that, both of us downing a few too many drinks. Before I knew it, we were both cajoling the stripper with the rest of the raucous crowd.

"Take it off!" slurred Rainbow Dash, swinging an empty martini glass. I recognized the stripper as Lola, one of Hard Cider's best. She had a dark red coat and a magenta mane. Her cutie mark was a pony just like her pole-dancing, though it was partially obscured by her lacy underwear. You could always tell a real professional from a fake by their cutie mark. All of Cider's regulars were the real thing with genuine "tramp stamps", as stripping cutie marks were sometimes called. Cider sometimes gave non-pros a chance on Amateur Night, but as you'd expect, most of them were nowhere near as good as the pole-dancers who had this "art form" as their special talent.

Lola stood up against the pole, her body facing the audience. She swayed her hips from side to side as she started to tease her panties off. "My session is almost at an end, colts and fillies. Anyone wanna buy me for a night?"

A coffee-coloured stallion with a crazed look in his eyes barged past me, knocking me into another patron. "HELL YES!" he screamed as he slammed a bag of bits down on the stage, his cheeks as rosy as Lola's coat. Lola kicked the bag up into her mouth, judging its weight. "Feels good," she said, her voice filled with (presumably fake) lust. She gracefully hopped off the stage and led the drunk stallion into the back room. I've always liked how the room has a sign of a knife piercing an apple core above the doorway. Whether Hard Cider had realized the sexual part of his club's name when he opened it was debatable, but he sure was taking full advantage of it now.

"Oh come on, you call that a striptease! That could've been shown to fillies! Refund! Refund!" shouted Rainbow Dash as she angrily slammed a hoof against the stage. She could be a pretty rowdy drunk. Though, she couldn't really ask for a refund, considering she'd never paid the stripper.

Lola had been...exciting, but I definitely wasn't done for the night. I still had a lot left in me. I felt like getting smashed tonight, so I could drown my sorrows of the thought of never getting another night off in good old hard liquor. So, it was back to the bar for a bit for me and RD, downing a few more drinks. At this point, as you might expect, everything started to get a little fuzzy. I could sort of remember Card Shark and Aces High, the local poker pros, asking us if we wanted to play a game with them. Even in our state, I think we could pretty easily figure out we weren't gonna do well. There wasn't much entertainment left besides poker, though, as most of the patrons had left by this time. I had intended to spend all my bits when I came here tonight, and since I couldn't drink another drop of alcohol, for some reason I felt I should spend it on getting my ass whooped in a card game instead. Luckily for me, RD felt the same way, so at least we could take our fall together.

Small pot poker then commenced, with Hard Cider dealing the cards. RD was a pretty good player when sober, and I could hold my own when sober as well, but we both just sucked in our drunken states. We must've been wearing anti-poker faces. In contrast, Card Shark and Aces High didn't touch a drop, and they played their absolute best. Not sure why they really cared about annihilating two ponies who were almost in comas, and for only 20 bits each, but we let them.

Hard Cider finally bucked us out somewhere between 2 and 3 in the morning. RD and I had to support each other to even get across the street to my shop. I have no idea how she got herself home; hopefully Card Shark and Aces High were more sympathetic in real life than in poker.

I hobbled upstairs and collapsed onto my mattress. I was asleep in 10 seconds flat.

"Ugh, my head..."

I rolled off the bed and crawled over to the stairs. My head felt like a freight train had just crashed into it. After nearly falling down said stairs, I got into my bathroom, and I barfed for about 20 minutes. That's definitely the least enjoyable part of getting hammered.

I walked over to the counter, which was luckily still shrouded in darkness. I reached into one of the bottom drawers, and pulled out the old HELP WANTED poster. Haven't put this up in a couple of years.

I walked outside--AAH! THE SUN! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!--and ran back inside. Okay, lets try this again...

I shielded my eyes, and walked outside. I put up the yellow poster, with its bold 48-point letters. It made the shop look even more tacky, if that was even possible. Hopefully, I could soon take that thing down.

One of the more prominent things on the counter was a small TV. It used to be upstairs, where the computer is now, but now I just watched it whenever customers weren't coming in, and used it as an expensive clock. I popped a cigarette in my mouth, and turned the TV on, noting that it was a few minutes shy of noon, so it was just about time to open the store. I forced myself to get up and turn the "CLOSED" sign around.

I sat back down at the counter, and began to channel surf. Time for probably the first of many monotonous days staring at a screen and wasting away.

"B."

"Two B's."

The lovely Vivid White touched her hoof to the board twice, revealing the two letters."B--BS AND C-NTS", the board now said. The category was "MOVIE".

"BOOBS AND CUNTS!" I shouted, pointing a hoof at a contestant. "SAY IT!" Wheel of Fortune was not my favourite show. I couldn't care less for word puzzles, butthis TV only got five channels, and if I had to watch this crap, I was gonna enjoy it.

The competitors this lovely afternoon were: a fat plumber from Manehattan, a gardener from Ponyville (who I didn't know), and a stuck-up fashion designer from Trottingham, who had just announced her letter of choice.

Pony Sajak turned back towards the stuck-up mare. "Okay, Royal, would you like to spin or solve?"

Royal re-adjusted her glasses, and gulped. "I'd like to solve."

"Okay, what's the answer?" replied Sajak.

Even from where the camera was you could see a bead of sweat roll down her cheek. Oh my god, is she going to actually say it?!

"*BEEP* AND *BEEP*"

DAMN YOU, FAMILY-FRIENDLY RERUNS! TAKING AWAY ALL MY ENJOYMENT!

Pony Sajak just stood there with his mouth hanging open. One of his eyes occasionally twitched. Vivid White and the other contestants looked equally shocked. Royal still looked snooty as ever, as she had once again closed her eyes, and turned her nose up. She patiently waited to see if her answer was right, but there was only awkward silence for a few seconds.

Finally, Sajak pushed his jaw back into place with a hoof. "Um...that's not right," he said nervously. "Uh...sorry to all the families at home who had to hear that." BUZZ.

Well, now what else could it be? Play passed to the gardener, who quickly announced she'd like to solve.

"BURBS AND CENTS," she said cheerfully. What kind of a movie name is that?!

"Yes, that's it! Great movie about buying houses in the suburbs, I might add," said Sajak, trying to put the whole situation behind them.

I grabbed the TV with my hooves, and shook it like a madman. Some ponies are rowdy when they're drunk, but it's the morning after that brings out my inner beast.

"AWW, COME ON!" I yelled. "ROYAL'S ANSWER WAS WAY BETTER, YOU FUCKE--"

Only then did I realize that the door had opened. A cerulean unicorn mare stared wide-eyed at me in my disheveled state. Great, I just blew my first sale of the day. Well, no hope in salvaging it now.

"What'll it be, miss? Dawn of the Dick? Masturbator Salvation? James Bondage: Goldfinger? Give it to me."

The unicorn looked around nervously, and bit her lip. "No, uh...sir. I'm looking for a...job."

Don't say "hoof or blow". Don't say "hoof or blow". Don't say "hoof or blow".

"Hoof o--I mean, hoof over your resume, and we'll see about it."

Chapter 2

Fewf, nice save there. Though I guess I should've asked for her name first.

She magicked out her resume from her yellow saddlebags (DAMN THOSE UNICORNS AND THEIR MAGIC TRICKS! My resume has a lot of spit and bite marks on it by now, since I've had to handle it with my mouth a few times. It would probably not impress an employer at all.), and set it down on the counter for me. I quickly skimmed over it...

Name: Lyra Heartstrings

"Oh, hey!" I exclaimed. "Aren't you the music prodigy they wrote about in the newspaper recently?"

"Uh, yeah, that's me!" said Lyra.

Let's look at the rest of this document...in her early 20s, attends Ponyville College, probably taking musical arts courses, only previous job experience she's had is working as a fast food cook a year ago. Not the perfect applicant, but...

"Okay, you're hired."

She immediately perks up. "Really!?" she asks.

"Yeah," I say. "To tell you the truth, I probably would've hired you unless you were senile or something. I'm really hurting for another set of hooves. I can't work fourteen hour shifts, obviously."

"Oh..." Lyra's head sags a bit. Okay, maybe that wasn't the best way to start off the employer-employee relationship.

I put on a fake smile for her. "But I wonder, what is such a great musical prodigy doing here in a backwater neighbourhood like Soresaddle Street? You don't really need this job, don't you?"

Lyra brightens up a bit. "Well, actually, I kinda do. I just moved out of my house, and into an apartment on the other side of Mane Street, and money's pretty tight, since my parents are pretty stingy with it. Soresaddle Street is a shortcut on the route to college, and I regularly walk this street when I'm going to and from day classes. I saw this place was hiring, and I thought 'Hey, the sooner, the better,' right?"

"I guess, yeah, bu--wait, you walk Soresaddle Street by yourself!? Isn't that a little dangerous?"

"Hey, I can protect myself, thank you very much. Besides, I walk it in broad daylight."

"Oh yeah..." Soresaddle Street is a bad part of town, but not to the point where ponies rape each other in broad daylight. It's a good thing I regard all the pornos in the store as strict fiction, else I'd think ponies get raped in broad daylight on any street in Equestria.

"You know, you're not doing the best job of impressing an employee. Maybe you should show me around the place, you know, the ropes?"

"Good point, I guess. Follow me, then."

I got off my lazy ass and took her down the first aisle, which holds mostly mainstream stuff. Nothing too racy, though calling anything "not racy" is definitely a stretch here. Lyra started down the aisle with a confident smile on her face, but by the end of the aisle, she had on the same shy expression that all other straight mares get once they've been in my shop for more than a few seconds. I always find that face to be the cutest in the world, as what's left of their innocence gets a little bit more torn apart.

"This is the bathroom," I said as I reach the door. "Forgive the smell, I kinda didn't have the best night."

I kick the door open with a hoof, revealing the bathroom in all its grimy glory. As expected, it smells like hot sick. Its appearance is not the best either, with its supremely dirty mirror and moldy floors. You can't tell by looking, but if you turn the faucet on, the shower starts dripping as well, so it's basically not worth it to ever clean the damn thing of water.

Lyra visibly grimaces at the bathroom. "Uh...nice?".

"Yeah, yeah, I know. I'll clean it soon. On with the tour?"

As we continue down the aisles, past the less mainstream stuff, Lyra gets more and more nervous. Interracial, zebras, toys, fillyfoolers, gays, BDSM...yeah, we've got everything here. I fall back a little bit so I can watch her expression more. Man, she's even visibly sweating now. We're not even at the last aisle yet. I wonder what she'll look like when we get there...

I don't think I really noticed it at first, but now that I think about it, Lyra's a pretty attractive pony. She's got a cute face, a well-brushed mane, some really nice curves...I wonder if she's single.

The last aisle. If she can get through the stuff here, she can get through anything the job asks of her. "You okay?" I ask her. "This last aisle contains the most vulgar stuff out of all of them. Even I sometimes avoid this aisle." Okay, that's a lie, since my apartment is right behind us, and I have to pass through the aisle every time I want to get from there to the counter.

"R-really?" Lyra stutters. "But, uh, what about up there?". She points a hoof towards the staircase.

"My flat," I say. "Off limits to employees unless I say otherwise."

"Oh..."

"You ready for this? You don't have to go through with it if--"

"No! I am going to work here, and in order to better serve the customers, I need to be able to withstand anything they can!"

"Well, alright...". Lyra's nervous face has gone away, replaced by a look of determination. Minus the sweat, she looks like she can conquer any task. I lead the way as we go down the aisle.

We pass by the gang rape porn, the hydra-on-hydra action, the foreign tentacle porn...Lyra hasn't ran away yet, but her nervous expression has quickly returned. It wasn't at all like this when I first introduced Doctor Whooves to the shop a few years ago. His innocence had already been completely shattered. He even laughed at the unrealistic expression of one of the fillies on 2 Mares 1 Cup.

As we pass the midway point on the aisle, I turn back and see that Lyra doesn't look sexy at all. In fact, she looks on the verge of being visibly in pain. Good thing that's not a turn-on for me, or I'd look like a complete ass right now.

Soon, though, we finally get to the end of the aisle, where the intensity of things lessens a bit, as you can see it from the door. I emerge completely unscathed, having walked this route many times before, but Lyra looks on the verge of collapsing as she walks out.

"I-I did it!" she stammers out.

"Heh, yeah you did," I say. "You nailed that one. I think you're ready for anything the shop has to throw at you now. Time to move on to the payment and hours now?"

"Y-yes..." she pants. Okay, maybe she does look a little sexy.

We resolve payment and hours issues, with the exact same hours and payment Doctor Whooves had. Lyra bid me goodbye, and she would start work tomorrow at 12pm sharp, and stay until around 7:30pm.

That was a pretty nice confidence booster, that was. Unfortunately, it's only 6:00, and I still have another 8 hours or so before I close up the shop. If it was any other day where I was working two shifts, I might just go upstairs and dick around on the Ponynet to pass time, but it's my one and only day this'll happen in a long time hopefully. I don't want to disappoint my customers by not being at the desk, and despite the bell on the door, I don't really hear it half the time. Besides, I need to train myself today for working a few more 14 hour shifts over the next few days, since I'm going to supervise Lyra on her first shifts here. That seems a bit contradictory to what I just said, but it just feels like a different experience. Working with Doctor Whooves when he first came on certainly was a...different...experience.

I sat behind the counter with a smug look on my face. The look of a new boss who's just hired his first employee. No more fourteen hour shifts for me. Soon, I'd only be seeing glimpses of the moon through all the posters on the windows every other night. On the other nights, I could do anything I want. I would be a free man. I could look up at the moon in all its glory from the town park. I'll miss how the Mare in the Moon looked in it, but I'll probably get used to it, seeing as how the whole fiasco happened only a month ago.

The bell chimed just as the 7:30 news came on. Right on time, Doctor. "Hey, Sly, wazzup?" he yelled to me with a hoof in the air.

Okay, Doctor, that move wasn't as spot on. The employees always called my old man Mr. Light. His full name was Red Light, but he insisted that people call him by that title out of respect. I'm pretty new to this whole gig, so let's not shake anything up with new attitudes. I'd like some respect, anyways. Having triple Xes as your cutie mark doesn't get you a ton of it.

"Doctor Whooves," I said, putting on my best bossy voice. "That is not how you will address me. You shall address me as Mr. Clop."

The Doctor sniggered a bit, and held up a hoof to his mouth. "Okay," he said. "Mr. Clop." He then burst out laughing.

I sighed. "Actually, yeah, you're right. Scratch that and just call me whatever. Coming from you, it sounds like an insult." Maybe it'd be better if I just acted like myself, actually.

Whooves walked up to the counter and sat down in the rotating chair. "Yeah, Sly, just chill. I get the feeling that you want to act all high and mighty like Red did, but I knew from the moment I saw you taking a few training shifts that you're not him. You're a much more cool, laid back guy. You're barely older than I am. I think it'd be better if we just treated each other like frat mates. We both haven't been to college, this could be like that for us."

"Yeah, just like college," I said, taking off the "boss" mask. "Except without the nagging professors and the hot mares and thoughts that you might get somewhere in life."

"Yep, just like that."

I joined him in this bout of laughter. He was right. Doctor Whooves had been a regular at the Mareborough for a pretty long time, and he always seemed to be the type of guy I'd hang out with. To tell you the truth, when he said he wanted to work here, I was pretty overjoyed. Just think of all the fun--

"HEY YOU DICKHEADS! STOP LAUGHING YOUR ASSES OFF AND SERVICE YOUR CUSTOMER!"

I slowly turned my head around, to stunned to think straight. Standing right in front of the Doctor and I was a fucking GRIFFIN.I've only ever seen them in a few pornos as the stuck-up shrew who needs to be "tamed", usually with a lot of long, hard objects. This particular griffin isn't helping me throw that stereotype out the window.

The Doctor was the first one of us to regain his ability to speak. "H-how can we help you, m-ma'am?"

"DO NOT CALL ME MA'AM!" screeched the griffin. "MY NAME IS GILDA, AND YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS SO!"

"Yes, Gilda," whimpered Whooves and I. Damn, I wish I had even an ounce of the bossiness she has. People would take me way more seriously. Then again, I'm not sure if I want to sound like Sergeant Asshole all the time.

"How may we help you, Gilda?" I say.

"That's better," says Gilda. She's a little bit better when she uses her indoor voice. "I'm planning to meet up with an old pegasus friend of mine tomorrow, see if she's still as cool as she was all those years ago at flight camp. I want to remind her of old times, how we used to fly with the wind ripping at our faces, how we used to prank all those less cool wannabes, and how we used to share the most rockin' porn with each other. You got anything good that fits the third billing?"

Her last line kind of threw me for a loop there. If I wanted to meet up with an old friend again, I personally wouldn't give them porn as a present. But hey, I'm not going to object to a creature that could fucking gouge my eyes out.

"I think we do have something, Gilda," says Whooves. "What kind of porn are you looking for?"

"Something nasty," she says. Fourth aisle it is, then.

We cautiously lead her down the aisle that contains all of our most "nasty" stuff. This bitch knows her stuff, and she's not fazed at all by some of the more gruesome ones.

After a bit of browsing, her eyes narrow on one in particular. "This is the one," she says as she grabs it in her claw.Sextuple Trouble, it's called, and despite a fairly tame title, the cover is anything but. A feeble, lone pegasus is in the centre of the image, surrounded by six griffins who look as hungry as lions. A gang rape title if I ever saw one. So, on top of gifting her friend porn, she wants to give her friend a porno that depicts a member of her friend's species getting brutally raped and possibly murdered by members of her species? This friendship is fucked up. Someone needs to call the Elements of Harmony.

We all walk back to the counter, the Doctor and I not saying a single word about her decision. The Doctor opens the cash register. "20 bits," he says.

Gilda scoffs. "I haven't got any money."

"Well, uh, that's a problem," says Whooves, who is still shaking a bit.

"No, it is not," says Gilda. "Because you two are going to conveniently remember that I could FUCKING EAT YOUR LIMBS whenever the hell I want! Is that clear!?"

"Yes, Gilda!" we both say.

"Good. I will now bid you foals farewell."

And just like that, that raging ball of griffin was out of our lives, hopefully forever. The Doctor turned to me after a few moments of silence.

"Tell me," he said. "Do all of your customers threaten to kill you, and then steal your wares?"

"No..." I said. We both broke out into a bout of nervous laughter. And Celestia bless us, we didn't get a single other customer that night.

It's a very good thing that that was the last time either of us ever saw Gilda. Once was enough to scar us both for life, and we were lucky that our scars were not physical ones. As Whooves had proposed before Gilda came in, our time working together was sort of like being frat mates. We would go to bars together on some nights, stay at the shop watching movies on others, but most of the time he was just a colt I could count on to keep the shop running smoothly. Unfortunately, he was just a bit too confident in himself, and he put himself out of a job.

I took a look at the clock. Still only 6:30. Guess it's just the TV and me again tonight.

The TV whirrs to life. "Right now, we are floating 5000 metres above the abyssal plain," says a stallion in a wetsuit. He's standing on the deck of a large ship, with a submarine just over the railing to his left. His Trottingham accent is a bit grating on me. They do sound nice the first or second time you hear somepony with one narrating something, but does EVERY SINGLE FUCKING HOST HAVE TO HAVE ONE!? It's like it's on their resumé.

"And to get down there, we'll have to dive deep." The camera shifts focus towards the submarine. "Really, really deep."

Cue cut to murky shot of the submarine descending in the murky blackness of the ocean. The host starts speaking over the footage.

"As the long vessel penetrates deeper and deeper, the pressure mounts. Good thing this craft isn't a novice, and is ready for this type of pressure."

Could they make it sound any more like a porno? I mean, seriously. I'm around the stuff all day, I think I know what one sounds li--

"If it weren't for the craft's resolve, the seamen would've already burst out of it."

Yeah, that's it. I'm changing channels.

"And they send the puck down the ice." Oh yeah, Equestrian Hockey League. That's what I wanna be watching.

"Oh, he just pounded him against the boards! What force! The Canterlot team doesn't like that, they're going after him! And the action begins, with multiple bodies in this! Look at all the sticks!"

Next.

A brown earth pony talking into a mic appears on the screen. "So, I'm walking into this porn shop..."

Heard every joke about one. Next.

"The mating habits of the common squirrel are--"

UUUGGHH--scarred for life, scarred for life...one more try.

The dashing salespony Vince Offer appears onscreen. "You're gonna love my nuts."

Okay, I quit. I turn off the blasted machine. No TV, no customers...well, at least I have Lyra's first day to look forward to. And y'know another I have to look forward to? That's it's bound to me a thousand times better than Whooves's.

Chapter 3

I awoke to the expected sight of a hasn't-been-washed-in-months mattress, along with the less than wanted expected smell. I glanced over at my old bedside clock. 11:00. One hour before the shop opens. If this was any other day, I'd stay in bed for a bit longer, since it takes all of 5 minutes to get myself and the shop ready for the day. Today though, was different. I felt a strange feeling of wanting to do my best today, and of resolve to get out of bed this very instant.

I stood up, and rubbed the grogginess out of my eyes. What's happening today, again?...OH RIGHT, TODAY'S LYRA'S FIRST DAY ON THE JOB!

I was already in the bathroom before my mind thought to ask itself "What the hell are you doing?". "Taking a shower," the other half of my brain replied. "Why are you taking a shower?". Uh...good question? I don't really need to look my best today, it's not like I have to impress Lyra or anything. I'm already here I guess, might as well take a shower anyways...

I wonder when the last time I used this thing was...wasn't there some reason I stopped using it--OH CELESTIA WHICH ONE OF YOU HALVES CONVINCED ME TO GET IN!? Right, the hot water for the shower broke a few weeks ago...I really haven't washed since then? Celestia, I must smell like shit.

After I quickly dunk my head in the sink (yeah, like that would help), I am once again sitting at my familiar counter. I turn on the Weather Network, and see that the time is 11:07 now. I've got some time to kill. A drop of water falls from my mane, and splatters on my desk. I look back at the TV again. 24 degrees Celsius and sunny...maybe it's time I reunite with Celestia.

Soresaddle Street, while lively with illegal activities at night, looks like just a bunch of rundown businesses and abandoned
warehouses in the day. And some of these businesses are actually pretty rundown, or just indefinitely closed. Ever since the Ponynet's popularity exploded, where lewd material can be found for free online, and where drug info is no longer hard to find, either, less people are visiting porn shops, and less people are being shepherded into doing things they'll later regret. There used to be many more porn stores on this street, and my dad experienced some pretty steep competition from them, but we held on, and almost by pure coincidence we are the last one standing. Now the only businesses that are still actually open are the Mareborough, the Knife and Apple, the sex toy shop a bit further down the street, the struggling adult theatre Dirty Rich's House of Mares, and a seemingly random convenience store. It's a good thing it exists though, or else I might be too lazy to feed myself.

As I come out of my reverie, I realize I was subconsciously walking to the park. I look up at the sun, and it hurts my eyes more than it should. Blotting out my windows is a necessity in this business, but it can't be healthy. I don't even have a window in my room. I look off in a random direction to get away from the blinding light, and happen to look directly at a random mare. She gasps, and immediately acts like she's extremely interested in one of her hooves. Curious, I look in other directions as I walk. Are people really avoiding my gaze? Is my reputation that widely known? Is it my damn cutie mark? Or do I just smell?

Smell, luckily though, does not impede movement, and I soon enter the park. I find a nice bench, and stretch lazily on it. The sun's a little bit too hot, but it just feels...right. I raise from my posture, and look in every direction. Fillies playing jump rope together, a father and his colt playing catch, and an old stallion playing a game of chess with a pony half his age. Maybe I should try to be more than the malodorous slacker who runs a lewd business. It feels like if I would just turn the page, my life would be very different...

But, hell, who am I kidding? I'm not one for all this philosophical fop. The only "meaning of life" you'd ever catch me talking about is Monty Python's. Now that I think about it, why did I just think that? I act before I think sometimes, but this time I thought before I thought? I wonder which half of my brain got me started on this whole thing...

One thing I know for certain though, is that right now both halves are agreeing on something. That that flower over there is really nice.

Lyra arrives right on time.

I look up from the counter and smile. Lyra is standing cheerily in the doorway, burdened only by two yellow saddlebags.

"Hey Lyra," I say, getting out of the chair. "You ready for your first day on the job?".

"Sure am, Sly," responded Lyra. She walked behind the counter, magicked her bags onto it, and then sat down in the chair. I pulled up a little stool, and sat down beside her. For some reason, I was giddy with excitement. I could barely wait to see what awesomeness this day held for--wait a second...

"Lyra..." I said. "What the HELL are you doing?"

"Sitting..." she said.

Well, she was sitting, but in a way that was seriously freaking me out. She had her back resting on the back of the chair, with her forelegs resting on both sides of it, and her legs dangling. It did not look healthy.

"Doesn't it hurt?" I asked.

"No, this just feels natural to me!" Lyra shouted back at me. "I've been sitting like this my whole life."

"Okay, whatever you say..."

"Shouldn't you be going somewhere?" Wow, Lyra's pretty quick to anger.

"Actually, I always watch over my employees on their first few days on the job. Make sure they've got everything down."

"Oh," said Lyra. She relaxes again. "I guess that's fine...what was some other employees's first day like?"

"I've only ever had one other employee."

"Well, what was their first day like?"

"I really don't want to talk about it."

A few moments passed. This was a pretty awkward silence. Not at all what I was hoping for. Criticizing her probably was not the best way to start off a conversation.

"Nice flower," said Lyra. I had set up the violet-blue tulip in a jug of water on the side of the counter. I'm not sure if it really went with the whole atmosphere the rest of the place was creating, but for today, it just felt right.

"Thanks," I replied.

More awkward silence. I watched the seconds on the Weather Channel tick up. A minute passed. Two. Three. Four...dammit, this might turn out to be as boring as any other fourteen hour shift, and twice as awkward!

Lyra apparently shared my frustration. She huffed a little bit, and then sighed. "Listen, I'm sorry," she said.

"What are you sorry for?" I asked.

"For shouting at you, and all. It's just that this morning, Bon-Bon called and said her and a bunch of my other friends all had no classes today, and asked if I wanted to hit up the new mall with them. I have this new job, though, so I turned them down. Bon-Bon then asked me what store I was working at, but I didn't really want to tell them, your...establishment being what it is..."

"Well, then I guess I'm the one that should be saying sorry..."

"No, no. I really do need the money, and I see my friends pretty often anyways."

"Okay," I said. A few more moments pass. Not agai--

"I just wished we had something to talk about though," Lyra said. "Like, usually work is a fallback topic that everyone's comfortable talking about, but this"--Lyra made a sweeping gesture over the store--"is not a comfortable topic."

I was about to just boringly agree with her again, but a little voice then popped up in the back of my head. Time to make this day a little more interesting, it said. Good idea. I've got nothing to lose by doing this, but it would be so much easier to say this if I had a little alcohol in me...

"Well..." I said, as suave as I could. I even put my eyes at half-mast. "We could still talk about"--I made the same sweeping motion--"this." Wow, that came out pretty good.

Lyra looked a little surprised by my reaction, though I think I was more surprised than she was. Her head darted in a few directions before she sighed. "Sure, let's try that," she said.

Yes, now this conversation was about to get nice and juic--

"DELIVERY!" yelled a voice from the doorway.

Fuck. "Come in..." I grudgingly said. I took the box of Mareboros down from the shelf. So close...

In came a tall, lean stallion with a medium-sized box precariously balanced on his back. He was wearing the violet-blue uniform of the Equestrian Postal Services, and had an ecru-coloured coat, as well as a poofy coffee-coloured mane.

"I have a package here for a Mr. Clop," he said.

Lyra did a cute little giggle. I was about to tell him not to call me that, but if it makes Lyra sound that precious, I'll let it slide. I instead just simply stated that I was "Mr. Clop", making Lyra giggle even more. The postpony set the package down on the counter, and I signed the form.

I popped a cigarette into my mouth as the guy left, not sure whether to be angry or grateful. I eventually settled on grateful, as on top of Lyra's giggles, I now had an unopened box of...conversation starters on the desk.

"Well!" I said, overly cheerfully. "Let's get this thing open!"

I started peeling off the tape with my teeth. Lyra looked to be getting a bit nervous again.

"I know!" she exclaimed. "Why don't we turn on the radio?" Damn, how did she spot that thing so quickly? I keep it kinda half-hidden on a shelf under the counter, since I'm more of a visual guy, and don't usually turn it on. It's kinda old anyways. Whatever, she just probably ruined the show-and-tell I wanted to do with these porn movies.

Ahh...filly look at that body

I could definitely become more of an audio guy though. The radio just happened to be playing the one song that wouldn't ruin the mood. I started furiously tearing at the tape, hoping to make it to the goods inside before the chorus came on. Lyra just got even more nervous, but she also looked a bit too dumbfounded to do anything about it.

Ahh...filly look at that body
Ahh...I work out
Ahh...filly look at that body
Ahh...filly look at that body
Ahh...filly look at that body
Ahh...I work out
When I walk in the spot, this is what I see
Everypony stops and is staring at me

I had now opened the box. I blindly picked up the first DVD with my mouth.

I've got passion in my pants and I ain't afraid to show it, show it, show it, show it

I slammed the DVD down on the counter.

I'm sexy and I know it

Lyra and I burst out into hysterics. On the front of the DVD was a large blue stallion standing on his back legs with a wild look in his eyes. You could easily tell that he was...very well endowed. I couldn't have planned for this to go any better.

We laughed for a good minute. "Okay okay, enough," said Lyra. She turned off the radio.

"What do you think of this guy?" I said nonchalantly.

"Ugh," replied Lyra. "Way too brash with his presentation."

"Agreed," I said. I shoved the DVD out of the way, and slammed the next one down. This one depicted two young mares making out on a bed. Almost everything on the DVD cover, including the ponies themselves, was pink. The DVD was called My Super Sweet 16, written in bubbly and obnoxious letters.

"What about this one?" I said.

"Meh," said Lyra. "My door swings straight, so I don't really care for the fillyfooling stuff. A bit too loud, as well. Pink's not my favourite colour."

"I agree, sista," I replied. I'm trying to walk a line between suave and comical, without going into either territory too much, but I'm not sure if I'm succeeding.

The next one showed basically what a mouse would see if it was looking up and diagonally left at a stallion giving it to a mare.

I cringed a little. "I don't really like this one," I said.

"Me neither," said Lyra. "Leaves nothing to the imagination. You should tease the audience a bit more before you reveal everything."

I pounced at my opportunity. "So, you like teasing?" Bam! Suave success!

Lyra blushed. "Well, I guess...I just like a little foreplay before it all happens."

I took another puff off my cig. It was helping me put together the suave image pretty well, though it was almost out by now. I would need all of my suaveness for this next line.

"So, tell me Lyra..."--exhale--"...how often do you observe?" Bam! Hit that nail right on the head!

Lyra's blush deepened. "Um...". She paused. Come on, this is getting pretty juicy...

"Not very often, I guess," she finally said. "I live alone, but still only once a week at the most."

There it is! If we are flirting, this is a pretty strange way to do it, but hey, I like it.

"Same here, actually," I said. Lyra looked pretty surprised at this.

"Really?" she responded.

"Yes, really. You might think that I do it all the time, because I'm in the business, but I really don't, with all the late nights. And even when I do have the night off, I usually hang out at the gentlecolt's club across the street. My buddy owns the place."

"You mean the whorehouse?"

"I guess you could call it that. It's a bit more esteemed than that though. It's actually pretty nice. I could take you there sometime if you want."

"Nah..." A little bit of a pause. "Damn, I can't believe you got that out of me." Wow, that's the first time I've heard Lyra say anything even a little bit obscene.

I did a little snicker. "Ah guess that means ah'm tha most dashing of ponays in the whole coun'ay!" I said in an exaggerated Appleloosan accent.

Lyra guffawed. Yeah, I know that wasn't the best comeback, but hey, it worked pretty well!

My cigarette ran out, and I put it in the ashtray on the counter. I then lit up a new one and got out of the stool. "Let's put the new releases on the shelf, shall we?"

"Sure, Sly," responded Lyra.

It was now about 7:00 PM. The day had actually been pretty eventful. We got a few of the regular types of ponies you see in a porn shop, which was good, since it allowed me to educate Lyra on them. The fat perverse stallion who's probably never seen anything of a real mare his whole life. The newlywed colt/mare who thinks that porn would be a great gift for their partner (hint: it isn't). The openly gay stallion who thinks the nether-regions of stallions are "absolutely marvelous". The actually-under-18-but-trying-to-hide-it colt, who you can usually tell apart by their nervous behavior and shivering. Or just their lack of identification when asked.

Lyra and I had talked about a lot, as well, and we really started yapping after I brought down a six-pack from the minifridge upstairs. She talked all about how she got into college, how she discovered her love for the lyre, and we dabbled in which colts on campus are hot, and which are not. She also tried to get me to believe this half-assed science theory she has that because of the way some Equestrian objects are designed, there is a planet in an alternate universe full of bipedal hairless apes that are as smart as us. Yeah, like that's true.

I talked a lot more, though, since I really just had more interesting things to talk about. How I started working here, what the Knife and Apple is like, and a few memorable experiences here with Doctor Whooves. I even told her about his first day in the end, which she thought was a riot.

Unfortunately, it was now time for her to leave. I wished her goodbye. Just before she walked out the door, she turned around.

"On hotequestrians.net, search 'Hot Stallion Gives it to Petite Mare'. It's my favourite," Lyra said. She then quickly dashed out the door.

My jaw practically hit the floor. With "recommending porn" checked, Lyra and I have now done everything the Doctor and I have done in-store, besides watching porn together (which was very awkward, if you were wondering). And that was only her first day! She's not very wild when she's had a few drinks, but she's pretty open-minded.

I guess I could take a break right now. I have been working seven hours already, and I need to work seven more. While I'm on my newly-decreed break, I guess I could also check out that video...oh, who am I kidding, that's the only reason I'm giving myself a break in the first place!

I quickly put a "Back in 5 minutes" sign on the door, and dashed upstairs. I turned on my computer, and searched up the video. The thumbnail looks good, it's a fine length...yeah, I could clop to this. I don't think I should go into further detail here.

About five minutes in, the video finally starts to get really steamy. Lyra does like foreplay, definitely. I can see why this is her favouri--

"Hey Sly, I forgot my saddlebags! Do you know where they ar--"

I dared to look behind me. Lyra was standing in the middle of my bedroom doorway. Yes, she had obviously seen. We both started sweating.

"Heh heh," she said. "Oh look, there are my saddlebags! Right by the minifridge!"

IN THE NAME OF CELESTIA, WHY DID I BRING THOSE BAGS UP HERE!? THE FRIDGE DOESN'T NEED TO CARRY ITS STUFF ANYWHERE!! Lyra quickly magicked them onto her back, and nervously trotted to the doorway.

"Uh, I guess I'll see you tomorrow then! Bye!"

And then she was gone again. That was definitely not according to plan...

Scratch what I said a while back. Lyra and I had now technically done everything in the shop me and Doctor Whooves had. And the "watching porn together" part of that was even more awkward than the last time.

Chapter 4

I fiddled around in my chair a bit and stared at my hooves. Today had been a horrible day. I was such a nervous wreck at having to face Lyra that I didn't get any work done at all. A few customers did come in, but after my shaky greeting, most of them didn't stay around for too much longer. I had also planned on sorting through some of the newer videos we had gotten and putting them on shelves, but if I had a choice, I wouldn't come within half a mile of porn. I flicked around one of many cigarettes I had today.

I glanced at the clock on the Weather Channel. 7:25, and counting. Lyra would be here any minute now.

It wouldn't really even had been that bad if Lyra had the first shift today, as well. That way I could've ripped off the awkwardness quickly, like a band-aid. Allowing the moment to fester in my mind had only made it worse. That shocked look on her face...I can't get it out of my head. Both halves of my brain are collaborating against me today.

The shop bell rang, and I hesitantly looked up from the counter. It was the pony I had been longing and loathing to see all day. Lyra seemed just as anxious as I did, though, wearing the same worried expression. She gulped, and walked up to the counter.

"Hi..." she said. My hooves became more interesting than ever.

"Hey..." I replied back. This was how I unfortunately expected this to happen.

An awkward moment passed. "About last night..." began Lyra.

"Yeah," I replied. "Let's just not talk about it, okay?"

"Agreed."

I got off the chair, and allowed Lyra to sit in it. Right now, this situation was still as awkward as Lyra's posture. The seconds started to go by, each one feeling like a minute. If the Weather Channel ticked, it'd be doing so very loudly right now.

Finally, Lyra broke the silence with a sigh. "Look Sly, I don't think we can just--"

The shop bell rang once again. Lyra and I stopped thinking about the finer intricacies of our hooves, and looked up at our new guest.

I instantly recognized him. Not this guy...I don't know his name, but every once in a while he's at the Knife and Apple, yelling at some random stripper. He's infamous around the place for failing to know his limits and always going over them. Unfortunately, it looks like he once again is completely smashed.

This pink mass of overweight pony slowly turned toward us, and looked at us sternly with one eye through the broken lens of his sunglasses. He stared us down like a deranged version of the Element of Laughter for a bit before finally speaking.

"So...you gotsh the goodsh?" he said, swaying.

I cocked an eyebrow at him, and gestured with a hoof to the rest of the store.

"Yeah, we do."

He put on a confused look, before coming to his senses as much as he could.

"No!" he slurred. "I mean, do ya gotsh the boozhe?"

"I'm sorry, sir," said Lyra. "But we do not sell alcohol here. We only sell adult videos. Personally, I think you've had too much anyways."

I shot Lyra a look. This was the first time Lyra had ever seen a drunk and crazy pony in the shop, and she had just done the two worst things you could do to agitate one: Dumbing down your sentences because they're drunk, and telling them they should stop drinking. You'd think she'd have some experience in this because she goes to college and all.

"Lishen," said the stallion. "I am not the leasht bit tipshy, so you better take that back, mishy!"

Ugh, this was the worst this guy could get. And it wasn't even dark outside yet!

Lyra instinctively rolled away from the pony (Yes, my office chair rolls. Yes, it's fun. WHEEEEEEEE!!). She's probably realized that what she said was unnecessary. I guess it's up to me to save the day, despite the fact that I'm probably almost as scared as she is.

"Actually," I started. "We do have some alcohol here. Forgive my employee, she's new here. Come on, I'll lead you to it. It's in the back though, so we have to go outside."

"Okay, mishter," replied the drunkard.

I got off my not-lazy-at-the-moment ass and led our guest to the door, and courteously opened the door for him. He took a few steps outside, and started staring at the summer sunset.

"Sho, how do we get to the ba--"

SLAM! The door reeled under the sudden pressure as I swiftly locked it with the key I had in my mouth. Lyra burst out laughing, as did I. That was a nice move.

"Nice one, Sly," she said as she walked over to the door, still giggling. On the other side, our pretty-drunk pink pal was only now starting to realize his current situation. He turned around, and stared at us menacingly through the glass door. A hoof of his started pawing the ground.

My smile instantly faded. "He wouldn't."

Lyra's thoughts echoed mine. "He wouldn't."

Outside, the stallion growled.

"Okay, maybe he would," I said. My coolness was starting to drain away.

"He might," replied Lyra.

The stallion charged, a raging ball of pink coming right for us.

"He is, he is fuck fuck FUCK!" I yelled. That door wasn't very strong, and I waited for the glass shards to grace my skin.

BOMF! Huh...that didn't sound scary or glass-shattering at all...in fact, it was almost comical. I looked over at Lyra.

Her horn was glowing with seafoam green magic, along with the large window and the door. You're the best, Lyra. The fucking best.

Outside, the raging being continued to futilely smack his head into the door, failing each time, with Lyra standing strong. Eventually, he gave up as the sun set into the west. I reiterate, how'd he get so drunk so early, anyways?

I turned to Lyra, and held up a hoof. "Brohoof," I said. She returned the gesture.

"Fewf, that was a close one," she said.

"Are you kidding?" I replied. "You were awesome. I sure wish I had you when Gilda was here." I take everything that I ever thought back about unicorns being stuck-up bitches who just do everything with their magic.

"Well, yeah," replied Lyra. "I guess I was kind of awesome."

And just like that, the awkwardness was gone. I unlocked the door, and we got plenty of customers that night, and we had a great time just shooting the breeze with each other. Still though, I do hope the next time I get into an awkward situation with somepony, it doesn't take a life-or-death situation to fix it.

Sundown the next day, the last day that I will work at Lyra's side before I let her run free. I have to say, she's caught onto everything pretty quickly, and now has no qualms about the dreaded fourth aisle. Tomorrow's the one day the shop's closed, and I'm looking forward to a break, with all the fourteen hour shifts I've recently worked.

I looked over at the unicorn beside me as she packed up her things. Her mane shined in the light of the descending sun as it shone through the small cracks in the posters on my window. I found myself looking over every part of her...her face, her withers, her fetlocks and those nice flanks...the Weather Channel had said Wednesday was going to be a nice day...

"Hey," I said. "Why don't we go somewhere tomorrow?"

Lyra looked a bit surprised at the question, and she pondered it for a second. Before long though, she turned back to me and smiled.

"Sure," she said. "Why not?"

Yes! Awesome!

"Where are we going, though?"

Not as awesome!

"Uh...um..." I was drawing a complete blank. I haven't dated in a long time...being the owner of a porn shop doesn't really help you in that department.

"How about we start at the park at noon and go from there?" suggested Lyra.

"Sounds good to me," I said.

"Okay then, see you tomorrow!" said Lyra as she walked out the door. I could've sworn she gave me a little wink as she went off.

Wow...my first date in like what...at least six years, right? None of my relationships have ever turned out great, though. None of them have ever lasted for more than two months or so, and they all have soured around the time I brought them over to my house. "Why do you need me when you have all this to satisfy you!?" has a line that has been said to me more than once. I really hope this one goes better.

I lifted up my foreleg and smelt its pit. Eww...

"So Mr. Clop, what treatment would you like today? May I perhaps suggest the mud bath?"

I sleepily looked over what I had gotten myself into. Normally, I would never be up at 9 AM on a Wednesday. What Lyra arranged as our date time would normally be when I get up. I also would normally never be at a spa on a Wednesday. Or ever. But after trying my hardest to get my shower to work properly, and discovering that the one plumber in the entirety of Ponyville requires at least a day's notice, here I am.

I glared at Aloe. "You really think a mud bath would get me clean?"

Aloe gave me a shocked look. "Well, it does have rejuvenating qualities, and many essential vitamins and miner--"

"I don't want none of that. I came here so I could stop smelling like shit. What do you recommend for that?" I know I'm being hostile, but being sleepy puts me in a bad mood.

"Sir, might I suggest going home and washing yourself?"

"Well, thanks very fucking much for the advice, but my hot water's broken. Y'know, I'm just going to use your bath, k?"

I walked over to the reception counter and slammed a few bits down on it before walking over to the door.

"Oh," I said turning around. "Before you ask, no, I would not like a 'happy ending.'"

Aloe gasped as I turned my back on her and slammed open the door. On the other side, I met the angry and disappointed faces of many relaxed ponies, along with Lotus, Aloe's sister. Damn, should've known this place had thin walls.

I walked over to the tub and sat down in it, feeling like the douchebag I am. Well, this day can only get better...

I sat on the bench in the centre of the park, waiting patiently. My newly-washed mane glistened in the noon sunlight. Beside me rested a bouquet of violet-blue tulips, straight from the florist (another place I never expected to visit).

The sun was now high in the sky, and beating down on me mercilessly. I wiped the sweat off my brow as I asked a passing stallion the time.

"12:10," he responded, checking his watch.

10 minutes late already. But that's normal, right? Mares always lose track of time when they're prettying themselves up. Then again...what if she decided not to go through with this? I've heard that employee-employee relationships can be very awkward, which means that a boss-employee relationship would probably be moreso. In all the porn DVDs I've watched where there is one, the boss is a complete douche with no appreciation for the mare's feelings. I don't think I'm like that, and I don't think Lyra does, either, but what if her friends have convinced her otherwise? I doubt Bam Bam, or whatever her name was, would react very well to Lyra dating the guy who runs a porn shop.

I got off the bench, and picked up the tulips in my mouth. No use waiting for something that you know won't come.

"Hey, Sly! I'm here!"

What a beautiful sound. I turned around, and there Lyra was. It looks like she also took the time to wash herself, as her light blue mane glistened in sunlight. I should never have doubted her.

"Um, Lyla," I said, struggling to talk with flowers in my mouth. "Theezh al fol y--"

Suddenly, a green stallion popped up beside me. "Hey, everybody!" he said. "Eros, the famous lyre player, is giving a surprise performance on the other side of the park!"

At this, Lyra's eyes seemed to glow with excitement. Her ears and tail also perked up, and she broke into a big grin.

"Sly," she said. "We have to watch this performance! Come on!"

She dashed away towards the south end of the park. Well, this is just great.

I plodded after her until we reached the small stage at the southern end of the park. On the stage stood a light pink coloured unicorn stallion, holding a lyre in one of his forehooves. He had a light red and white coloured mane, and a cutie mark of an arrow nestled in a lyre like it would in a bow. He narrowed his sky blue eyes and gave a sultry look to crowd.

"Ponyville," he said, his voice as sweet as candy floss. "Are you ready for a little show?"

At this, the gathered crowd of about 100 ponies, mostly mares, screamed at the top of their lungs. Lyra's eyes grew even wider.

"I'll take that as a yes," said Eros. He then started playing. It was a sweet little number, that gently radiated over the crowd as he plucked the strings with his magic. It was a melody so sweet that even the songbirds stopped to listen to this master.

In other words, it was booooooooooooring. This was not my kind of music. When I do listen to music, I prefer hard rock or pop. I also like my music to be a bit edgy, and not something my grandma would've listened to.

I turned to Lyra. "Can we go somewhere else?" I inquired.

No response from her. Her eyes just grew to the size of dinner plates, and her mouth hung open in ecstasy. I spit out my flowers and trotted away. I know when I'm not needed.

I looked up at the time on my computer. 7:57 PM. No sign of Lyra.

I had spent the afternoon on my computer, just doing anything to keep my mind off of her. I've exhausted all of the things I normally do on here now, though. I looked up at the smoke wafting from my cigarette. I had bought a new pack before I got home, and I'd already gotten through more than half of it.

I looked over at my bed, and its wet pillow. No, it certainly had not become wet due to me crying my eyes out on it for the first hour I had been home. Definitely hadn't.

My computer screen reflected my face right back at me. My mane's almost back to its old self, though it's not as smelly. My eyes are pretty bloodshot, which I insist is not from crying...

Oh, who am I kidding? Of course it's from crying. My first date in 6 years breaks my heart, and I still am forced to work with her. I'm 29 now, and I'm starting to lose a bit of my youthful appearance, especially with all the smoking I do. Oh well, at least I can drown my sorrows in alcohol at the Knife and Apple. I'll probably even buy a stripper for the night.

I heard a faint rapping on the front door. Great, and now a burglar's going to rob me?

"Hey Sly, I know you're in there. I'm sorry! Come on down!"

All at the same time, I felt complete bliss and total loathing. Should I run down as happy as a lark and embrace her, saying I forgive her? Should I not respond and stay up here, leaving her to feel as sorry for herself as I do for me? Something in between? Ehh, whatever, I'll just go with my gut.

Before I knew it, I found my gut taking me downstairs, and unlocking the front door. Lyra looked like a lame dog, coming to beg for food.

"Look, Sly," she said, whimpering. "I'm really, really sorry. I got so caught up with Eros's concert, and then Bon Bon and my other friends also turned out to be there, and then they invited me to their afterparty, and, and...oh, I don't know why I did it. I'll be honest with you, I was a complete ass. Will you forgive me?"

I looked her up and down. She was in a sorry state and on the brink of tears. The setting sun was making her apology seem even more dramatic than it already was. Okay, I'll say that I forgive her, but I must remain strong. Like a real stallion. Like a strong individual. Like--oh, who am I kidding?

"LYRA!" I shouted, bawling my eyes out like a little colt. I embraced her. "Of course I forgive you!"

Lyra sniffed. "Thank you, Sly." A little voice at the back of my mind told me that embracing someone like this on a first date was a bit strange, and normally I'd agree, but Lyra seemed much closer to me than that already. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that we've already spent more than 21 hours alone together.

After about a minute more of this, I finally released her from my embrace. This day's finally starting to go well.

"Sly," said Lyra. "To make it up to you, we can go anywhere you want."

Across the street, Hard Cider opened the door to the Knife and Apple. He turned on the small neon sign on the brick wall, which started flashing "Open".

"We're open!" Hard Cider shouted as he put a wedge under the door. One of his bouncers emerged from the depths of the place and took a stand outside, ready for the first customers.

"Um...how about the Knife and Apple!?" I asked jokingly.

"Hmm..." responded Lyra. "Sure." Wait, what?

"Uh, I was kind of joking," I responded.

"I know that," said Lyra.

"But as you've said before, it's a whorehouse!"

"Well, I'm open to trying new things. I haven't done anything wild and crazy in a while."

"But you're in college!"

"So?"

"So...uh...doesn't something wild and crazy happen every week in college?"

"Pshh." Lyra swatted her hoof in the air as if I had just made a preposterous statement. "You've never gone to college?"

"No, my pops said it was a waste of time, since I was going to be running this anyways."

"Well, the 'crazy party every week' view isn't really true, especially at a college as quaint as Ponyville's. There aren't many Pinkie Pies that go to our college. In fact, that time I drank beer with you was the first time I'd drank with a guy in a year or two."

"Heh, wow," I responded. A moment passed. "So...we're really going to Knife and Apple?"

"Yep," Lyra happily responded. "Don't you worry yourself, I can handle the strippers."

We walked across the street to our destination. Wow, this was certainly not what I expected be doing now an hour ago.

"Halt!" said the bouncer, a built-up navy blue stallion.

I blushed a little. "Oh yeah, there's a small entry fee for non-members."

Lyra rolled her eyes, and magicked a few bits out of her bag.

"Okay, that should cover it," she said. "In we g--"

The bouncer stuck out a hoof, blocking Lyra's path. "ID," he stated menacingly.

"Sheesh," said Lyra, as she magicked out her ID, too. The stallion gave it a quick look over, and gave a slight nod before allowing us to pass.

"Thank you," said Lyra. As we walked down the stairs to the bar, I couldn't help but feel a little giddy. I imagined Lyra's embarrassment when she saw one of the strippers, and I wondered if she'll get drunk or not.

We reached the bottom of the stairs and stepped in, obviously the first ones there. The newly-polished bar sparkled on our left, a few large tables on the walls behind it, and behind those, about 50 seats arranged in a semi-circular pattern around the stage, where a pole was ready to be used.

"Hey, Sly! Who's yer friend?" shouted Hard Cider from his place behind the counter, his southern drawl exposing itself a bit.

"Cide," I started. "This is Lyra Heartstrings, my new employee. Lyra, this is Hard Cider, owner and proprietor of the Knife and Apple."

Hard Cider leaned over the counter, resting his chin on his hoof. His tawny coat almost blended into the varnished wood.

"Well, imagine that," he said. "You come in here only a few nights ago, mad about how the Doctor quit, and now yer back here tonight, with a new employee right by your side. Might I add that she's a mighty fine looker?"

"Cide!" I shouted. Lyra giggled. Oh, just you wait, Lyra. Hard Cider can seem like a really sweet guy who wouldn't do anything wrong, but remember that he manages all the full-time strippers in this club. Once, his bouncer didn't show up for the night, so he took up the job for himself, giving bartending duties to his only waiter for the night. That night, a rowdy teenager tried to get in, and it's rumoured that he ended up at the hospital later with a broken jaw.

I heard hoofsteps behind me, and turned around. A cyan pegasus stood in the doorway.

"Hey, Sly!" shouted Rainbow Dash. "Who's this?"

Lyra quickly turned around, and gasped. "A-are you Rainbow Dash? The Element of Loyalty?"

Rainbow's expression quickly soured, but she still looked sympathetic. "Yeah. Well, kinda."

Rainbow walked up to the bar, and sat down on one of the stools. She made her usual order as Lyra turned and whispered in my ear.

"Why is Rainbow Dash here?" she said. This was a serious question, but I'm not sure if I'll give it a serious answer. It's hard to concentrate when Lyra's tongue is just a few millimetres away from my skin.

"She's had a rough few years," I said. "Got into the Wonderbolts at a lightning speed, and got kicked out just as fast. She was having a relationship with Spitfire, which is strictly forbidden. They let Spitfire stay on though, since she was one of the main faces of the Wonderbolts. In my opinion, I think an Element of Harmony that's saved the world twice and who also happens to be one of the fastest pegasi alive is more important than Spitfire. But nonetheless, Rainbow is a frequent customer here, and she drowns her broken dreams in alcohol almost every other night. She can barely keep her job at the weather patrol now. We can't really imagine what it was like for her, though, her rise-and-fall being so sudden and meteoric."

Lyra simply nodded in response, looking sorry for Rainbow Dash. I got an idea.

"Hey, Rainbow!" I shouted as Dash downed her first glass of cider. "Wanna sit at a table with Lyra and me?"

Rainbow glanced over her shoulder at us.

"Ehh, sure, why not?" she said. Rainbow hopped off of her stool, balancing her glass on her wings and back. "Thanks for introducing me to your friend, by the way," smirked Rainbow. Lyra and I blushed.

For about an hour, RD, Lyra and I ate a late dinner and swapped stories that got increasingly more exciting with the amount of alcohol consumed by all of us. Rainbow told a slightly scandalous story from some of her days as a Wonderbolt. Lyra told us about the one wild college party she has attended. RD and I listened intently about what Bon Bon and Hoops were doing behind the couch as we chowed down on our orders of nachos and grilled cheese sandwiches. Around 9 PM, it was finally my turn to tell a story.

"My turn, eh?" I said as I looked over my two companions. I glanced over at my now-empty third drink before continuing. "Have you guys ever heard the story my pops used to tell me of how I was born?"

Both Lyra and RD shook their heads. This was one of my favourite stories to tell, so I was happy neither of them had heard it.

"Well, the tale of my birth started about 30 years ago, now, when my pops was 26. He had recently inherited a large sum of bits from his uncle, and with it he bought the building the Mareborough is now in. It used to be a butcher's shop, but after Red Light bought it, it started displaying a whole new kind of meat."

Lyra and RD both chuckled a bit. "Why did your dad decide to open a porn shop?" inquired Lyra, who this whole time has been sitting in her awkward position.

"I don't really know," I said. "He used to tell me that it was because he regarded the body of a mare as a beautiful thing, and wanted more lonely stallions to be able to see it. The adult video industry had just started at that time, as well, and was booming in popularity. Those were his reasons, but I think when he bought it he just wanted an excuse to clop at work."

I laughed at my own joke, but no one else did. Maybe it was a bit too brash? Ehh, whatever. On with the story.

"He did learn to appreciate the business over time, though. Anyways, back to my 26-year old father. Like I do now, on Wednesdays, he used to go over to the whorehouse across the street and have a drink. Of course, back then, it was owned by one of the Riches, but it was a lot like it is now. One of the first times Red Light went there, he drank too much and started cajoling the stripper. Eventually, the stripper got bored of poledancing, and persuaded my dad to part with his well-earned bits and have a good time with her. My dad wasn't the most experienced in that department, though, and let's just say that he wasn't quick enough in the end."

"You mean..." Rainbow Dash started.

"Yes, I mean exactly what you think I mean," I responded. "Anyways, the stripper gets angry with him, and kicks him out. Nine months later, he opens the door of the shop one night to find a little charcoal earth pony foal, moi, in a basket outside his door. Like a scene out of a movie, or something. What happens next changes depending on if Red Light was sober or drunk when he was telling this story. If he was sober, he takes me in happily and raises me. If he was drunk, the story gets even more interesting."

Lyra and RD leaned in closer. I gave a little pause for dramatic effect before continuing.

"If he was drunk, he says that after he found me on the doorstep, he picked me up in his mouth and raced across to the strip club, and shouted at whatever Rich ran the place, asking if the stripper he fucked still worked there. Rich said that the stripper had just quit an hour ago, and said she was going to take the 9:30 PM one-way train to Fillydelphia. Shame, too, since she had just gotten back from maternal leave. At this, my dad raced to the train station, still carrying his son in his mouth, and made it to the platform just as the train was departing. As the train started to pull away, he put me down and shouted.

'YOU WHORE! Leave me with the kid, very professional! I don't want him, though! Take him!'

"At the last words, Red picked up the basket with one hoof, and began to throw it at the departing train. And I would've hit that train and probably died if it wasn't for Granny Smith being there. At that time, she wasn't a grandma yet, but she was still pretty old. She bopped my father on the head with her cane, and screamed at him.

'Ya darn falootin'-tootin' scallywag! You put the ingredients in the oven nine months ago, but when it comes out fully baked, ya toss it like it's a bad loaf of bread! But that looks like a fine loaf of bread to me, so you take it home and make the most of it! Ya got that, sonny?'

'Uh...I...I think so,' responded my father, dumbstruck.

'Good, good,' said Granny Smith. 'Just don't cut that loaf up into slices.'

"And after those parting words, my dad took me back to the shop and raised me with no qualms. The end."

Lyra and Rainbow Dash's faces both wore a strange expression, as if they didn't know whether to laugh or to be appalled. That's how everyone responds to this story, and it's part of the reason why I love telling it so much.

"Um, Sly?" said Lyra, raising a hoof.

"Yes?" I replied.

"Am I free to laugh my ass off?"

"Sure are."

And with that, we all burst out laughing like a pack of hyenas. After a minute passed, and we were all fully laughed out, no one seemed eager to tell the next story. Suddenly, though, Hard Cider's voice rang out from the stage, as he spoke into a microphone.

"Hello to all you stallions!" said Hard Cider, addressing the crowd that had gathered in front of the stage in the last hour. About 10-15 stallions sat in the seats around the stage. The only two non-stripper mares in the entire building were at my table (score?).

"It's 9:10 PM, and that means it's time to begin the show for the night!" continued Cide. "As you all know, Wednesday is Amateur Night, and today, we've got a very special treat for you. Here all the way from the Zebrican savannah, I present to you, the Striped Seducer!"

The curtain rose, and from behind it stepped a face I didn't think I'd ever see in this club. RD and Lyra had the same reaction as I did, and we all dashed over to the stage, our food and drinks finished and quickly forgotten. I approached Hard Cider as he was making his way off the stage.

"Cide, talk to me," I started. "Why is ZECORA stripping tonight!?"

In the past few years since Zecora was accepted into Ponyville, people have realized that she's really quite a smart and charming individual. She now brings her herbs and potions every market day, and is friends with many ponies in Ponyville now. She is not in any need of money, and is certainly not crazy, so why she is doing this is beyond me.

"I'm not exactly sure maself, to tell you the truth," replied Hard Cider. "I think she said something about a bet, though."

At that, Hard Cider walked back to his counter, and RD, Lyra and I were left dumbfounded. I glanced up at the stage, and saw that for an amateur, Zecora was doing a pretty good job. She was wearing only a loincloth, no stockings, bras, or frilly maid outfits (what's the point of a bra, anyway?).

At a loss for words, we three all sat down side by side in some unoccupied seats. The other stallions were getting over their initial shock now of the identity of the amateur, and the fact that she was almost as good as a real, and were now cheering and jeering at her like they usually do. Rainbow joined in after a bit, too, but I stayed back. Even after a few drinks, I'm not one to put myself out there.

I have to say though, she was putting on a mighty good performance, with all those spins and splits. I think even Lyra was enjoying it, despite insisting to me after I asked that she was as straight as a board. Eventually, though, the performance started winding down, and Zecora had not removed a single piece of clothing, since she was wearing only one. One stallion was starting to get rowdy.

"Take it off!" the maroon coloured stallion shouted. "Kick it up a notch!"

At this, Zecora lowered her head and positively growled at the stallion. She licked her lips, and spoke for the first time she'd been on stage.

"Stop cowering, you little wussy! Come up here, and lick my--"

CRASH!! A waiter behind the seating area dropped an entire tray of glasses on the hardwood floor (Heh heh. Hardwood.).

"Damn!" he said. "That's coming off my paycheck!"

I turned back to the stage and saw Zecora doing one last round of dancing, her loincloth now removed. The stallions and one lesbian mare in the room were whooping now, and were very clearly impressed at her performance. Lyra was covering her eyes with her hooves, but was peeking out a bit over the top of one.

Zecora then finally retired backstage, no one getting to spend the night with her. I turned to Lyra.

"I think I'm ready to leave now, how about you?"

"Yes, I think I am," said Lyra nervously and quickly.

"Dash, you coming?"

I turned to Rainbow Dash, who was still panting at Zecora's performance. She wiped the sweat off of her brow, and turned towards me.

"In more ways than one," she said through ragged breaths.

I burst out in a round of nervous laughter, and we all walked towards the exit of the club. We passed Hard Cider along the way, who was going up on the stage to announce the next stripper.

"Oh, by the way," he said, turning to us. "The Apple Family Reunion is coming up, and I'm invited. It's next Wednesday, and I can take two guests. Would you, Sly, and you, Rainbow, like to come?"

"Sure," I responded. Hard Cider's family is well known around Ponyville, and I kind of wanna meet them. Plus, I kinda wanna see the look on Big Mac's face when he has to reveal that he knows me.

Dash, surprisingly, was more reluctant to respond. I guess she hasn't talked to Applejack in a few years now.

"And Rainbow would like to come too," I said.

"Wait, what?" said Rainbow.

"Great!" said Hard Cider. "This'll be a real hoedown! Goodnight, you guys!"

Rainbow turned to me with a glare. "What?" I said. "Don't you think it's time you saw Applejack again?"

Dash sighed. "I guess," she said.

We all went outside, and Rainbow said our goodbyes to us. I turned to Lyra.

"So, how was the date?" I asked.

"T-the date?" responded Lyra. "It was good, I guess. The food was great, and Rainbow Dash is pretty cool. It got pretty awkward at the end, though."

"Tell me about it," I said.

A moment of awkward silence passed.

"What are you doing, you dolt?" asked the bouncer behind us.

"Huh?" I said incredulously. This was the first time I'd ever heard one speak like they were conversing.

"It's the end of the first date. You're supposed to kiss her goodnight."

Lyra and I blushed as red as Big Macintosh.

"Uh..." I said. "Would you like that?"

"I wouldn't mind it, I guess," responded Lyra.

More awkward silence.

"Kiss her already!" yelled the bouncer.

"YESSIR!" I screamed before rushing forward--and bonking snouts with Lyra before falling flat on my ass.

The bouncer chortled, and Lyra did a cute little giggle.

"Close enough," she said. "Goodnight, Sly."

"Goodnight..." I responded, rubbing my butt in pain.

Lyra then swiftly and silently trotted away. The bouncer turned to me.

"Y'know," he said. "Her hoof or her cheek would've been fine."

"Well, you should've told me before!"

"Heh. Well, run along now."

I obeyed him, and walked back to my shop. Damn, so close!

Author's Note

Thanks for all the feedback, guys, and all the appreciation I've been getting! I'm really happy people like this story so much. If anyone is worried about the controversy it's received, really, I don't mind at all. As Seth said, it probably has gotten me more views than it would have if there was none. I know I'm walking a fine line, and I might have to edit this chapter to get it on EqD (fingers crossed that I won't!), but that's what I get for writing this.

Shoutout to the bronies at the Total War Center forums. I probably would never have found EqD if it wasn't for them. Also a shoutout to my IRL friends for reading this first, and giving their feedback. And a big thanks to everyone who is reading this, of course.

Also, if anyone is interested in designing a cover picture for this story, I am sorely in need of one. RD's face just doesn't express enough of what the story's about. If anyone's interested, PM me, and I'll send over some additional info.

If you have any criticisms, feel free to shout them out in the comments. I've already addressed some in this story's 59th comment, though (don't know if I can link directly to it).

So yeah, hope you like this chapter, and the next one'll be coming soon. (Heh heh. Coming.)

Chapter 5

"It's the end of the first date. You're supposed to kiss her goodnight."

Ugh...

"I wouldn't mind it, I guess..."

.....

"Kiss her already!"

"YESSIR!"

A hundred emotions flew past my mind's eye. Fear of the bouncer, adoration for Lyra, bewilderment as to if this was actually going to happen...and then only a single emotion crossed it as I completely missed the mark.

Disappointment.

"Damn."

I rolled onto my side, hoping against hope that it wasn't the time I thought it was.

"Damn."

11:52. 8 minutes before the shop opens. 7 hours and 38 minutes before Lyra arrives. 1 hour and 41 minutes since I first woke up. 1 hour and 41 minutes of me going over less than 15 seconds of my life.

"Damn."

That was the first time in 6 years or so that I've had even a remote opportunity to kiss a mare that I really felt something for. And I blew it. Just straight up blew it. Fuck.

The minifridge started humming, getting ready for its next cycle.

"Get out of bed!" it seemed to say to me. "You've spent too long dwelling on this. Or at least make some money while you wallow in your sorrow."

I considered the fridge's opinion for a second, and then swiftly got out of bed. Don't wanna hallucinate up anything crazier.

"So Mac," I said, watching the sunset. "Branching out into other categories?"

I regarded Big Mac's selection as I punched numbers into the cash register. He usually just went for the tame, mainstream stuff. Y'know, boy-meets-girl, and then they fuck for no reason? Now, none of that is on the counter. What is on it is some BDSM, some interracial stuff, and even some fillyfooling. Nothing too radical, but it takes Mac a long time to change his opinion on anything.

Big Mac furiously blushed at my question. It's a good thing he did it furiously, too, as a regular blush from him looks like absolutely nothing.

"Ah--ah guess you could say that..." he said as he nervously rubbed his hooves together.

I saw that there was another DVD under the fillyfooling one. Pushing aside the one on top, a wide grin broke out on my face.

"Since when are you that daring, Mac?" I said as I smugly looked at the cover. Looks like somepony's finally going to buy that hydra-on-hydra DVD.

Big Mac jumped a little bit at my prying.

"Don't get the wrong idea!" he protested. "It's for my cousin, Ah swear!"

"Your cousin..." I replied. "Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight..."

"No, Ah'm serious," said Big Mac, almost mumbling now. "Braeburn was always the more adventurous one..."

"Ah," I said. "So these are 'supplies' for the Apple Family Reunion, then?"

"Guess ya could say that..."

"Well, you better be ready then, Mac buddy," I said, rising out of my chair. I stared Big Mac down as I said my next sentence. "I'm coming this year."

"YA ARE!?"

"Uh huh. Hard Cider's bringing me as one of his guests."

It's funny how Big Mac is such a softy, considering his size. It's kinda cute to watch him squirm.

"Sly," said Mac, now visibly sweating. "Please promise me you won't mention anything to Applejack and the others..."

"Sure, sure..."

"Ya promise?"

"Yeah, I promise."

By this time, I had gathered the DVDs into a plastic bag. Big Mac shoved the requisite number of bits my way as he picked up the bag with his mouth.

"Thank ya kindly," he said, cautiously walking out the door. "It's good Ah can trust you, Sly..."

The bell rang sharply as Big Macintosh exited the shop. I narrowed my eyes. Big Mac's choices today will be a roaring good story around the Apple family fire for years to come if I have anything to say about it.

I rolled back from the counter in my chair, content at my display of power. It's strange how if I'm feeling down, if I make somepony feel worse, I immediately feel better. Then, I start to reflect on my actions, and I feel like a complete douche again, restarting the cycle. Kinda sucks now that I think about it.

I looked over at the TV again. 7:28. Lyra will be here any minute now. I'm mostly done beating myself up over last night now. I have to put the past behind me if I want this relationship to go anywhere. Though seriously, I probably wouldn't have come to this conclusion if my cigarette hadn't made some very good points. Now that was some freaky shit.

But aside from that, even if Lyra does confront me about this, I have a plan. And it's foolproof. Or at least, that's what my cig told me.

At that precise moment, the bell jingled again, and I was once again in the presence of Lyra. She blushed a little bit as she looked at me. If I could, I'd do the same, but I need to stick with the plan, and keep my composure.

"Hey," I said coolly. "You ready for your first shift alone?"

Lyra nodded a little bit, still blushing. I hopped out of the chair, and Lyra walked up to the counter and maneuvered herself into it.

"If you need me," I said, walking away. "I'll be upstairs." Woot, success. No mental breakdowns or anything.

"W-wait a second, Sly," said Lyra nervously. "Can we talk?"

Dammit. I hoped that I wouldn't need to talk to her, and she would just regard it as no big deal.

"Sure," I replied. "What do you want to talk about?"

"Well, first of all," Lyra started. "I'm sorry about last night."

"Oh, don't worry about it, it was nothing. I've kissed mares plenty of times before."

"But, then why were you so nervous?"

"Um...no reason."

"Well," said Lyra, her blush now being replaced by a prying eye. "When was the last time you kissed a mare?"

"Uh..." I dumbly replied. Dammit, I thought she wouldn't pry further into my answer. In reflection, I probably shouldn't have said that I've kissed mares many times before. Lyra's suspicions are right; I really haven't, due to the fact that my relationships have all been very short.

"The last time I kissed a mare," I finally continued. "Was a few months ago."

"Oh," said Lyra, feigning surprise. "What was her name?"

"Uh..." I replied, my eyes darting around the shop, searching for ideas. They eventually wandered to the bathroom. "Her name was...John"--wait, that's not a girl's name!--"Johnny! Johnny, uh..."--my eyes darted to the register--"Cash! Yes, that's right, Johnny Cash!"

"Really? You mean like the country music star? The male country music star?"

"Uh, no! Completely different Johnny Cash. And definitely female."

"I see...so, why did the relationship end?"

"Oh, she had to go back on tour. She went to lots of places."

"I thought she wasn't the country music star...didn't he die a while back?"

"Well, why can't she be a star, too!?" I could feel the sweat running down the back of my neck. Lyra was really drilling me.

"Okay, okay," said Lyra defensively. "I guess she could. But tell me Sly, what did kissing 'Johnny Cash' feel like?"

"Uh..." I replied once again. My story must have multitudes upon multitudes of plot holes if Lyra is still being this inquisitively aggressive.

"It felt very..." Romantic. Special. Loving. Caring. Heart-warming. "...wet." Wow, good one brain.

"Uh huh..." said Lyra.

"Can we please change the topic!?" I nearly yelled.

"Okay, okay," said Lyra, who was now finally finished toying with me. "That wasn't what I really wanted to talk to you about in the first place. I was taking a class at college today with my friends, and after the class we all were talking to each other, catching up on recent events. It then slipped out that I went on a date with somepony last night, and of course the girls wanted to know everything about my 'special somepony'. Fortunately, I was able to get them not to pry very far, but in exchange, they made me promise to show them my coltfriend at sometime in the near future. As in, tomorrow at the coffee shop by my apartment. Is that okay with you?"

Lyra ended her explanation with a nervous toothy grin. I really wanted to say that it was not okay. I really did. But I couldn't; either way, my answer will increase the awkwardness in our relationship, but if I said no, it would be much harder on Lyra. Guess I'll just have to hope that Lyra's friends are an inclusive, accepting group.

"Yeah, it's okay," I reluctantly replied. "We're going during your hours, and it's coming out of your paycheck, though. Got that?"

"Yeah yeah, that's fine."

"Okay, then. I'll be upstairs if you need me."

"Wait a second, Sly," said Lyra, reaching out with a hoof. "Just remember to act natural around my friends. Don't try to act like Mr. Perfect around them. If your lie just a few minutes ago was any indication, they won't buy it. At the same time, though, try not to go into too much detail about your occupation. Or the latter part of last night's date. Okay?"

"Yeah, sure. I'll try not to."

"Great. I'll leave the coffee place's address on the counter."

"Got it." And with those final words, I walked upstairs. Despite Lyra's warnings, I know that it'll be impossible to keep my lips shut about those two topics, as they'll probably be the juiciest pieces of info. How many of Lyra's friends will be there, anyway? 2? 4? 17? I can't handle that much peer pressure.

I reached the top of the stairs, and got my lunch's leftovers from the minifridge. Hopefully my relationship, like this milk, won't sour tomorrow as expected.

"What'll it be, sugar?"

"Coffee. Black."

I sat at a windowside table in the coffee shop, waiting for Lyra and her friends to arrive. Luckily, the place wasn't very far from the shop, and the clock on the wall only read 12:15, about 5 minutes before they were all supposed to arrive.

The "Two Creams and a Sugar", as the place called itself, was a quaint little establishment. There were only five circular tables in the restaurant, each with four chairs pushed in. Each had a lacy doily resting on top, with the standard sugar, salt, and pepper in the middle of it. The counter was beside all of the tables, and chalkboard menus adorned the wall behind it, along with a few machines, an oven, and a framed critique. It all gave the place a nice homey atmosphere, that hearkened back to simpler times, probably to entice the more senior crowd of ponies.

At the moment, the place wasn't very full, especially for the lunch rush. Only I and two other groups were there, with the other groups all being ponies well over the age of 65. It kind of made me feel a bit awkward, and I was pretty sure one would come up to at any point and start calling me "sonny", and pinching my cheeks, and reminiscing about the good ol' days, and stuff.

The waitress who had addressed me before wrote down my order, and trotted away. As she did, the bell on the front door jingled, signaling the arrival of Lyra's party. I squinted a little bit so I could see them sooner. Lyra led the way, smiling when she saw I had already arrived, followed by a beige earth pony with a pink and purple mane, her same coloured tail bobbing behind her. Her cutie mark was three wrapped sweets. Next up was a blue unicorn with a periwinkle and darker blue tail, who had an hourglass cutie mark. I squinted even more to see the last pony coming through the door, but then rubbed my eyes as she came into focus, insistent that they were wrong. When I looked again, I saw that they had not betrayed me, and that this pony actually looked exactly the same as the last one.

Lyra led her group of four to the table, where the other three got their first looks at me. Lyra's beige friend gave a bit of a condescending look to me, while the two identical ones looked mildly shocked. Lyra pulled up an extra chair to the table before breaking the silence.

"Hello Sly," she said. "I'd like you to meet my lifetime friend Bon Bon, and the twins Colgate and Romana. Bon Bon, Colgate, Romana, this is Sly Clop, my coltfriend."

"Nice to meet you all," I said. I must say that it felt pretty nice for Lyra to publicly declare me her coltfriend.

"Likewise," said Bon Bon, who had not let up her glare. Colgate and Romana simply nodded.

The mares all sat down, Lyra closest to me, and the waitress came back to take the rest of our orders. An awkward silence ensued following that.

"So," began Bon Bon. "You're the dashing stallion that Lyra has fallen for?"

"Guess I am," I responded, noting Bon Bon's aristocratic tone, and sarcasm in the words "dashing stallion".

"I see," replied Bon Bon. "Lyra, dear, what exactly made you fall for Mr...uh..."

"Please, call me Sly," I said. Yes please, for the love of Celestia, call me Sly.

"Sly. What caught your eye about him, hm?"

"Well," began Lyra. "I guess it was a lot of different factors. When I first met him, I have to admit, I didn't think too highly of him, but he surprised me. He has a great sense of humour, a down-to-earth, realistic view of life that I like, and I know that he really cares about me."

Lyra blushed as she said the last part. All true, all true. I'm very happy that Lyra's want of a job eclipsed her disgust at the first thing I said to her when we first met.

"Mm hm," said Bon Bon. "So, tell me, where did you two meet?"

"We met at the por--" Lyra started before she shoved her hoof into her mouth. That was close.

"The what?" responded Bon Bon.

"The...uh..." said Lyra, futilely searching for an answer.

"The poor part of town," I finished for Lyra, who gave me a look of relief.

"What were you doing there, Lyra?" said Colgate, uttering her first words since she got here.

"I was job-hunting. Sly runs a store in that part of town and he hired me."

"Ooh, an employee-boss relationship. Edgy," said Romana, uttering her first words, prompting Lyra and me to blush.

"So, what kind of store does Sly run?" said Bon Bon, prying further.

"He runs...uh," said Lyra, beginning to sweat.

I sighed. I know this is going to get out sooner or later. I can't really fabricate a good enough lie to get Lyra and myself out of this one.

"I run an adult video store," I said, using its formal name partly to lessen the impact, and partly to suit Bon Bon's seemingly cultured tastes.

The effect was immediate. Bon Bon's mouth dropped open, not ladylike in the least, while Colgate and Romana's right and left eyes respectively twitched. Lyra put on a nervous smirk, and I decided a small suave smile was best suited for this occasion.

"Here are your orders," said the waitress, hoofing us each a cup of coffee.

Romana was the first one to break the silence, with a whistle.

"So Lyra, this is your keeper?" she asked.

"I must say," said Bon Bon, now swirling a cream into her coffee. "Lyra, I am extremely disappointed in you. You've really lowered your standards."

"Yeah," said Colgate. "The only thing lower than your standards are your panties."

"Colgate!" shouted Lyra, embarrassed. This is going a bit better than expected, I think. Bon Bon is a stuck-up bitch, but at least Colgate and Romana are a riot.

"I must inquire," said Bon Bon, now stirring a sugar into her coffee as well. "Why did you want to get a job at what some ponies might call a 'porn shop'?"

"It was simply the first place I saw," said Lyra defensively, with a defeated look on her face. "I thought 'Hey, the sooner I get money, the better'. And it kind of worked out."

Lyra looked into my eyes, silently saying an apology for how much of a bitch Bon Bon was being. It's okay, Lyra, really. Colgate and Romana make up for it.

"So Sly," said Romana, sipping her one sugar coffee. "Where's the place located?"

"It's on Soresaddle Street," I replied. "Not too far from here, actually. It's called the Mareborough."

"Ooh, I like that," said Colgate, sipping her one cream coffee. "Classy."

"What's come in recently?" asked Romana, prompting an eyebrow raise from Bon Bon.

"Well, I got three new DVDs in today," I said. I looked over at Lyra, and saw that she was still blushing, and beads of sweat were running down her face. If it wasn't for the twins, I'd probably be doing the same, but they're really putting me at ease. They're not making jokes about my panties.

"The first one's pretty tame," I continued. "I think it was called A Knight to Remember. It probably has the standard plot of all the porn we get, with a bit of a medieval theme thrown in. I don't think there's any medieval torture in it, though."

"Wait, you have to guess whether there's torture in it or not?" asked Colgate, intrigued.

"Torture devices, more specifically. And yes, some ponies do have a fetish for that."

"Sick," said Romana, prompting both of the twins to start sniggering. Bon Bon looked a bit appalled.

"The second one was a coltcuddling one, so I just put it in its section and walked away as quickly as I could," I continued. "I'm not into that."

"Aww," replied Colgate. "You aren't up for 'broadening your horizons'?"

"I'm pretty sure I'm a 100% straight pony."

"That's too bad," said Romana, prompting another bout of giggling. I wasn't really sure whether to brush that off like just another joke or not. No idea what she means, but it can't be G-rated.

"The final one I got was very strange," I continued. "It's from the Griffin Kingdom up north, and it's by some minorly famous artist. The cover was made to look like a stained glass window, with a rainbow of diamonds as a background. In the middle were two stylized griffins doing it, with the Griffinese name over it. It was so strange that I just had to watch it."

"Tell me, Sly," said Colgate, raising an eyebrow. "Approximately how many of your wares do you 'sample'?"

"Not too many," I replied, which prompted a small sigh of relief from Lyra. "I only really ever watch the porn I get if they seem really interesting or good. Or if I just feel really horny."

Colgate and Romana laughed, and the now-silent Bon Bon grimaced a bit, as did Lyra.

"Anyways," I continued. "It was really strange. Everything was done in the style of a stained glass window, and I could barely even understand the story, and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have been much better off if I could speak Griffinese. From what I gathered, I think it's about a male griffin who thinks impure thoughts while he's worshipping at a shrine to the Griffin god. This for some reason makes him fall into the world of stained glass, where a griffin angel tries to relieve him of these thoughts. Everything in the stained glass world was animated, with the frames going by choppily, like the movie was lagging. All the while, a chilling violin piece played in the background. Really, while I'm not a pony that 'gets' modern art, this wasn't erotic in the least. I'm not into fucking my mind while I'm fucking myself."

As I said that last sentence, Bon Bon angrily stood up from her chair, her coffee forgotten. Everyone in the café who hadn't been staring at us before was now.

"You two make me want to scream!" said Bon Bon, basically screaming already. "You know, when I first came in and saw you, you gave off an air of a conpony, and I got a feeling that I couldn't trust you, but I was optimistic about the whole thing. It might not've seemed like it, but I gave you a chance. And you blew it. You really are the vulgar, perverse bastard that I feared you'd be. And Lyra, how could you have fallen for this stallion!? He probably is bragging about you to all of his friends, saying how he really scored with you. Once he gets with you, he's going to throw you out like last week's trash! And there's nothing special about him at all, he's well below average! Pardon my French, but he thinks nothing of you and he'd fuck anything that walks."

Lyra's eyes had grown wide as saucers during Bon Bon's little rant, but now they were narrowed and she was gritting her teeth.

"What are you saying, Bon Bon!" Lyra shouted. "You come in here, and after 5 minutes of talking, you're making baseless accusations and talking about Sly as if he's the son of Tirac, or something. Sly really does care for me, and tries hard in his own way to impress me. He made a point to go to the spa on the day of our date, just to look his best, and every day there are new flowers in the vase on the counter. He might be a bit vulgar sometimes, but he really always wants the best for me. He's not the best when it comes to romance, but it's really cute to see him try. Frankly, I'm very disappointed in you, Bon Bon, for so blatantly judging a book by its cover. I suggest you reflect on your actions after this, and think about how you can apologize to me the next time we see each other."

Bon-Bon's mouth hung open, as did Colgate's and Romana's. Everypony else in the café was listening intently to us like a soap opera.

"J--just--AHH!" screamed Bon Bon, fed up. "Come on girls, let's go."

Colgate and Romana reluctantly got out of their chairs, looking much more disappointed in Bon Bon now than Lyra.

"We didn't even get to talk about your date..." moped Colgate.

"Don't worry," I said to Colgate and Romana. "You guys are alright. Maybe we could meet up again sometime."

Colgate and Romana smiled before following Bon Bon out the door of the shop, ending our meeting. Everypony else went back to their business. Lyra turned to me.

"Listen, Sly," she started, tears almost forming in her eyes. "I'm really, really sorry about Bon Bon--"

"Hey, it's okay, it's okay," I said, shushing her. "I expected the worst. I'm just happy you didn't believe Bon Bon."

"Sly..." said Lyra. "I know you better than that. I wish Bon Bon wasn't so judgmental of new faces. She acted exactly like this when we first met the twins. It took her a long time to accept them. She's a bit unstable, sometimes. She moved to Ponyville from Canterlot when she was only 7, and she had no friends when she first came here. When I stood up to some colts who were bullying her, she finally warmed to somepony, and we've been friends ever since. We don't see eye to eye, though, and if it wasn't for the fact that she was being bullied so much, I'm not sure if we would've ever become friends in the first place."

"Well," I replied. "I'm just happy that you're such an inclusive pony, being friends with an aristocratic stuck-up mare, but having a down-on-his-luck, dirty and vulgar stallion as your coltfriend."

"Aww, you," said Lyra, giving me a playful punch.

We paid the bill, Lyra being grateful at me paying for her friends. After we got out of the cafe, she showed me the apartment building she lived in. The outside wasn't anything too special, just an old brick building, but before I could offer to go inside, she reminded me that the store wasn't making any money right now. And unfortunately, I need the bits.

The rest of the afternoon went by relatively quickly at the shop, and I started my shift at exactly 7:30 PM, with Lyra bidding me farewell. I turned on the TV, waiting for a customer to come in, and I was soon enthralled in a Ponyville-Fillydelphia hockey game.

As the second period ended, with the score tied at 1, the shop bell jingled out. I looked up from the game, expecting to see a customer, but I was greeted by a familiar face instead.

"Hey," said Rainbow Dash. "Can we talk?"

Author's Note

There, finally finished it. I had a lot of trouble writing the beginning of this chapter, but I think I got everything right. The first part where Sly's lying in bed lamenting last night wasn't originally there, and I almost had to start from scratch (granted, I hadn't written anything past the Big Mac part yet) because I thought the part with Big Mac didn't tie into the end of the last chapter well enough. I'm glad I didn't have to, since the part with Big Mac out of context is one of my favourite scenes I've written so far.

Sorry that this is a bit late. Blame the Magic: the Gathering Pro Tour. In fact, if it wasn't for the fact that we were going over our internet usage, and it would be best if I didn't watch too many videos from now until Wednesday, I probably wouldn't have gotten this chapter done today.

If any of you are wondering about the title image, that is very much in the works, and two artists have designed art for the cover. I'm just waiting for the second artist to colour his image. I will then pick the best of the two.

So yeah, hope you enjoyed this chapter, and look forward to the next one.

Chapter 7

I looked at Sly with a sense of wonder. I hadn't expected that from him. It's like there's a secret philosophical party inside him, just waiting to burst out!

"Ha!" I yelled, slamming my hooves into the table. "Take that, Rarity! My collection's not 'uncouth', it's an 'acceptance of my carnival desires!'"

Oh, she had called me "weird" when she found my collection of toys and Neighponese porn, but Sly showed her! Y'know, I always thought all the ponies on Soresaddle Street were like that Chineighse pony I always go to. He's a weird one, he is! Brooding and sad one moment, happy and bouncing off the walls the next! Me, I just bounce off the walls all the time. I don't really need that white stuff to do so, but it just feels--

Oh, what's that? You were expecting Sly to narrate? Oh, you meaniefaces...

I slapped my head with a hoof as an uneasy feeling came over me, as if I was being watched. I turned around in my chair, and tried to find the spy, but nothing seemed out of place. I brushed it off though, and tried to get the errant thoughts about Pinkie's "collection" out of my mind. There was certainly no use in telling her that it's "carnal", not "carnival".

Rarity studiously ignored Pinkie's outburst, and directed her attention to me. "That's certainly an...interesting way to look at things," she said as she sloshed the liquid in her mug around.

"Actually," said Twilight. "I think it's a rather smart way to look at things. Now that I look back on it, I guess I have felt those 'desires' before, but I wasn't sure how to act on them. Maybe I'll visit your store later and--"

Applejack slammed her mug into the table, her cheeks flushed red. "Twah! I think you know that you should stop talking about something when Ah start feeling awkward about it."

"Oh...right," said Twilight, blushing. Pinkie Pie giggled a little at this.

Suddenly, I remembered something. "Oh yeah, Pinkie, you said you had been on Soresaddle Street before?"

"Yeah, I did! I'm there all the time!" said the pretty pink party pony.

"But, why?"

"I have a super duper nice friend there. He can be a little bit creepy sometimes, but he always has what I'm looking for!"

"And what'd that be?"

"Oh Sly," said Pinkie, waving my question away with a hoof. "I can't just tell you. That'd be way too blatant and strange! Think of the readers, Sly! It's much better to keep them guessing a little bit. Plus, it means more material for later chapters, which means more screentime for me, which means more PARTIES!" Pinkie lifted her hooves in the air and looked at me as she said her last word. A small cloud of confetti somehow erupted behind her, punctuated by a kazoo.

Wait, what? And how the--

Rainbow Dash interrupted my thoughts. "Don't try to get a proper answer out of her; Pinkie's Pinkie."

I lifted up a hoof to make an argument, but then decided against it. Maybe the Element of Laughter was all that she was cracked up to be. Or maybe she was just cracked up.

I took another swig of cider, feeling the golden brew run down my throat. Wow, this stuff is good.

Applejack caught me in my sudden state of euphoria. "Like the cider, Slah?"

"Ahh, it's heavenly!" I said, looking up to the skies. Pinkie Pie and her eccentricities had been dispelled to the farthest reaches of my mind.

Applejack gave me a warm smile, and looked around at how all her other friends were doing with their drinks. When she got to one particular pony, she suddenly looked perplexed. "What's wrong Fluttershah? Why aren't you drinking yer cider?"

"Um...I did drink a little bit..." said Fluttershy, blushing.

"And how was it?" asked Applejack.

"It was...nice."

Even with my short time with them, it hadn't taken me long to figure out that to Fluttershy, "nice" meant "mind-numbingly awful".

"Do you ever drink?" I asked curiously.

"No, not really," she responded. "I've heard of the effects it can have on some ponies, and I don't don't want to risk losing control." Her eyes shifted to Rainbow, then quickly away.

"Ah, come on Fluttershy!" I said, raising my mug in the air. "Have a little fun! What's the worst that could happen?"

"The last and really only time I ever drank anything was in my final year at flight school...some ponies I didn't know too well invited me to a party, and I tried a cup...but I don't remember any of the party after that."

"Well," said Twilight. "What did the other guests say happened?"

Fluttershy hung her head lower. "I never asked. All I remember was that when I woke up in my bed, I had a sore throat and a hoof cramp. I think I did something bad."

"Fluttershy, you can't just assume that! That's not logical."

"I guess it isn't...but what if--"

Twilight groaned. "Don't say 'what if', Fluttershy! It isn't rational to think like that. Trust me, there's nothing to worry about." Twilight took a long drink of cider, a blush starting to appear on her face. "I never drank until I came to Ponyville and went for a drink with Rarity, but I was fine! I'm a great drunk, ain't I, Rarity?" Twilight elbowed Rarity in the ribs, more than a little too hard.

"Yes..." said Rarity through gritted teeth as she held a hoof to her side. "A perfect one..."

Braeburn failed to pick up Rarity's sarcasm. "Yeah, I'm sure yer just being paranoid," he said, his face red from the cider.

Fluttershy sighed. "I guess...um, bottoms up?" She looked at Rainbow, then squeezed her eyes shut as she took a big swig from her mug.

I gave her a supportive smile. I was going to say something more, but Rarity, who had now recovered from Twilight's jab, had started off on a story about a celebrity she recently had to design a suit for, and I'm not sure why, but I found myself fascinated by it.

"Would ya look at that sunset!" said Applejack, a hoof pointed at the brilliant display of orange hues on the western horizon. "Beautiful. Just beautiful."

I smiled, and appreciated the marvel myself. The bellies of the western clouds had purpled in the onrushing twilight, even as the sun coloured their heads with fire. One of them was positioned in such a way that crepuscular rays shone down right through it, illuminating the strange beauty of the Everfree Forest. A rainbow of colours sang forth among the trees.

The rest of the group was also staring out into it, their eyes captivated by Celestia's marvel. Only after a good minute or two did somepony finally break the silence. "Band'll be here any minute now," said Applejack.

"Wait, a band?" I asked.

"Yeah. Don't tell me Ah didn't tell y'all about it!"

We all shook our heads. Applejack looked appalled at herself. "Well, shucks. Guess Ah give mahself too much credit...anyways, the band'll be here soon."

"But where will they play?" I asked. A band was nice and all, but really, I wasn't sure their presence was really needed. Looking around at the rest of the party, everypony who wasn't in the loop looked like they were all getting ready to go. No pony at all was wearing a frown on their face.

The rest of the group gave me a strange look. Rainbow pointed a hoof behind me. "Really, Sly?" she deadpanned.

I turned around and saw a medium-sized stage no more than five feet behind me. The band was now arriving, and was getting their instruments set up on it. I facehoofed.

The band's bassist and drummer had their backs turned to us as they set up their instruments. Rainbow squinted at the stage, trying to get a better look at the two stallions. "Who are they?" She put a hoof on her chin, and eyed the band up and down. "I know I've seen them before..."

"Heh, of course you've seen 'em before," said Applejack. "They're The--"

Applejack was cut off by a loud gasp from Rainbow. "The Offspring!! Omigosh, omigosh, omigosh, omigosh, omigosh!"

"The who?" I asked.

Rainbow's eyes bugged out. "No Sly, not The Who! The Offspring! How could you confuse the two in the first place!? The Offspring are only the most underappreciated band of the last like, forever! Really, they make all these awesome songs, and they constantly go unnoticed or get upstaged by Green Day! Like seriously, what has Green Day made in the last like, five years!"

I looked at Rainbow strangely, surprised at her sudden outburst. "Uh...okay," I said. Really, I had no idea who Green Day was. Or The Who for that matter. Green Day's kind of an androgynous name...I wonder if he's a stallion or a mare?

A stallion then approached our table, and Rainbow let out a fangirl squeal. "Omigosh, omigosh, omigosh, omigosh, omigosh! It's Dexter Coltland!"

The pony nodded politely at Rainbow, and started whispering something to Applejack. Rainbow Dash made a scowling face at that. I guess she wanted this Dexter guy to whisper in her ear. I'm really happy he didn't, though. My eardrums probably wouldn't survive another squeal like that.

A grim expression then washed over Applejack's face. She sighed. "I'm sorry, everypony, but it looks like Dexter here won't be singing tonight."

"What!? Why!?" yelled Rainbow Dash, scowling more than she was before.

"It can't be helped," said Applejack. "Dexter here has a frog in his throat, and he says he can't sing for all the cider barrels in the whole of Equestria."

Rainbow Dash groaned, followed by a slam of her hooves on the table. "Well, fuck! The Offspring isn't anything without Dexter! This concert's going to be lame..." She sighed. "Sorry for swearing, Flutters...wait, where'd she go?"

We all stared at the vacant chair. Fluttershy was nowhere to be found. I didn't think any of us noticed when she left.

"Aah! Fluttershy's a ghost!" screamed Pinkie before ducking behind her chair.

"She's not a ghost, Pinkie," said Twilight. "She just...disappeared without a trace..."

"Oh, this is all my fault! I should've been watching her more closely!" said Rarity, getting out of her chair. An aura of blue surrounded her horn, and a chaise lounge appeared out of nowhere. She threw herself onto it in the most ladylike manner possible, her eyes now also bursting with tears. "I started off with that whole stupid story about that gorgeous suit I had to design for that stupid Brad Coltt! I got so caught up in it, I failed to notice my darling Fluttershy had gone astray! What if she's inebriated? Completely smashed, maybe! I bet all the stallions are hitting on her left and right, and she doesn't have any idea what to do! That poor, sweet, innocent child! Of all the things that could happen, this is THE. WORST. POSSIBLE. THING!!"

What a drama queen. Though, I had to admit, I was pretty worried about Fluttershy, too. That sweet little angel wouldn't be able to handle one stallion when she's sober, but when drunk? What would happen then?

Pinkie Pie shared my fears...sort of. "What if she exploded! And then exploded again!"

A dreadful silence descended upon the group for a few seconds, each one of us trying not to think of all the horrible things a stallion could do to Fluttershy. But our thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a voice directly behind me.

"Sorry to disappoint you, Pinkie, but the only thing exploding tonight will be your eardrums!"

I turned around, only to get blasted in the face with what Rainbow Dash would call a "wicked guitar shred." The player of the guitar stunned me more, though. Easily standing on two legs, with her wings splayed and her mane disheveled was none other than Fluttershy. She was wearing heavy amounts of eyeliner, as well, and had had the time to dye her bangs black. A guitar was strapped around her neck, and a microphone was standing beside her. Behind her, the rest of the band was cowering in fear.

"Helloooooooo Apples, guests, and assorted shitbags!" shouted Fluttershy into the microphone. Everypony who hadn't been looking at her before was doing so now. "I'm Fluttershy, they're The Offspring, and tonight, we're here to FUCKING ROCK YOUR WORLD!"

Dead silencefell over the crowd. The bassist turned to the drummer with a disturbed look on his face. "Oh Celestia," he said. "We are so fucked."

At that, the crowd erupted into terrified screams. "Okay, how many drinks did she have?" I yelled to Applejack over the din.

"Ah don't know. Ah thought we were all out when Ah grabbed ma last, though, and she hadn't started on her first yet!"

"And what's your cider's alcohol level?"

"About 3%!"

"Yeah, this makes perfect sense."

"Ooh, nice lampshade hanging, Sly," commented Pinkie Pie.

I turned to look at Fluttershy again, and saw that she had an annoyed look on her face. Suddenly, her eyes grew to the size of saucers, and I felt something piercing my heart. A wave of silence washed over the audience.

Everypony now had their eyes glued to the stage, mostly in fear. Fluttershy grinned maliciously at us, like a cat staring at a particularly excitable mouse.

The band's drummer tapped out a beat with his sticks nervously, but before the song started, the pony-who-I'm-not-sure-could-still-be-called-Fluttershy gave him a stern look, causing him to tap out the beat slightly faster. The song began.

"Show me how to lie, you're getting better all the time," sang Fluttershy.

"And turning all against the one is an art that's hard to teach," The drum boomed in the back.

"Another clever word sets off an unsuspecting herd,

"And as you step back in the line, a mob jumps to their feet," The fallen angel sang like hell.

"Now dance, fucker, dance, yeah, he never had a chance,

"And nopony even knew, it was really only you," This was awesome.

"And now you steal away," The crowd had been stunned into silence.

"Take him out today," Pinkie Pie let out a whoop.

"Nice work, you did," A few smiles showed in the crowd.

"You're gonna go far, kid." "You rock, Fluttershy!" screamed Rainbow Dash.

As the guitar strummed, the crowd erupted into cheers.

"With a thousand lies and a good disguise,

"Hit 'em right between the eyes, hit 'em right between the eyes,

"When you walk away, nothing more to say,

"See the lightning in your eyes, see 'em running, for their lives!" Panting, Fluttershy struck a pose, eliciting more cheers from the crowd.

"Slowly outta line, and drifting closer in your sights," A bass joined the ensemble.

"So play it out, I'm wide awake, it's a scene about me," At "me," Fluttershy cocked a hip seductively.

"There's something in your way, and now somepony's gonna pay," "You're awesome, 'Shy!" screamed RD.

"And if you can't get what you want, well, it's all because of me," With a hoof, 'Shy motioned for RD to come onstage.

"Now dance, fucker, dance, yeah, I never had a chance," Fluttershy bent her head over the mike and strummed fiercely, her wings rising to full extension.

"And nopony even knew, it was really only you,"

"And now you'll lead the way," Rainbow made her way onstage.

"Show the light of day," Grinning, Fluttershy threw Rainbow a spare mike.

"Nice work you did,"Fluttershy nodded at Dash and lowered her wings.

"You're gonna go far, kid," She pointed at Dash and flared her wings sharply.

"Trust deceived!" belted out Rainbow, on cue.

"With a thousand lies and a good disguise,

"Hit 'em right between the eyes, hit 'em right between the eyes,

"When you walk away, nothing more to say,

"See the lightning in your eyes, see 'em running, for their liiiiiiiiiii-iiiiiiiiiiives!"

Fluttershy panted heavily, and her wings sagged, but she still was able to strum her guitar like it was a naughty filly. She glanced sidelong at Rainbow, who decided now was the time for an impromptu aerial trick. She rose up and did a quick loop-de-loop. Unfortunately, she was tipsy enough that she messed up the trajectory, and it looked like she would ram right into the strumming Fluttershy. A quick swerve, and she instead knocked over the mike. The next few lines would start any second now. Rainbow was quickly back on her feet, though, and with the mike in hoof, and a quick nod from Fluttershy, the lyrics continued.

"Now dance, fucker, dance, he never had a chance," Luckily, it seemed Rainbow knew the song by heart.

"And nopony even knew, it was really only you." Rainbow's gravelly voice gave a completely different feel to the song.

"So dance, fucker, dance, I never had a chance," Fluttershy quickly put the spare mike into her stand.

"It was really only you," Fluttershy was just in time, strumming a few chords. Rainbow motioned for 'Shy to sing again.

"With a thousand lies and a good disguise,

"Hit 'em right between the eyes, hit 'em right between the eyes,

"When you walk away, nothing more to say,

"See the lightning in your eyes, see 'em running, for their lives!

"Clever alibis, Lord of the Flies,

"Hit 'em right between the eyes, hit 'em right between the eyes,

"When you walk away, nothing more to say,

"See the lightning in your eyes, see 'em running, for their lives!" Fluttershy strummed her final few chords, bringing the song to its end.

The crowd erupted into cheers. Fluttershy crouched onto the ground, exhausted from her performance. Rainbow Dash bowed again and again. Once again, she's back on top of the world.

The other band members also took a few bows. They wiped their brows, and their nervous looks dissipated, relieved that they weren't under the glare of Mistress Fluttershy. Rainbow Dash, finished receiving her adoration, stuck out a hoof to Fluttershy, who gracefully accepted her help. I would never have expected the party to end like this. Strange what a single cup of cider can do to a mare.

Applejack, Dexter, and the rest of the group were equally amazed at the performance. Even Rarity, who had been covering her ears against the sonic barrage, eventually warmed up to the music, and was now cheering as loudly as anypony in the crowd. Awesomeness and friendship conquered all musical tastes, it seemed. Twilight, as you would expect, was jotting down a plethora of notes with a summoned parchment and quill. Braeburn had been rendered speechless, and Pinkie Pie for once couldn't think of what to say. All she could do was watch the couple of ponies walk down the steps at the side of the stage.

As amazed as we were now, though, what came next was even more breathtaking. On the steps, Rainbow turned to Fluttershy. Fluttershy flashed Rainbow one of the seductive smiles she'd been showing most of the song. And then suddenly, they locked lips.

Well...wasn't expecting that.

Author's Note

Another chapter in the books. Or fanfics, really. This was kind of an experimental chapter for me, just trying out a few things, like the song and Pinkie Pie stealing the perspective. These won't become normal things, definitely, but I like how both turned out. I really hope that I made everything the right speed, but it still read well. If you didn't put on the song in the first place, I really suggest you do, it's awesome. From the beginning of writing Chapter 6, I knew the Reunion would have a song in it, but I really had no idea what the song would be. Early considerations included Rockstar by Nickelback (too much mentioning of cars and planes) and My Name Is by Eminem (a bit too vulgar, and I hate listening to clean versions of anything). In the end I chose this song because 1. It's awesome, 2. It contains the right amount of profanity, so people are surprised at it coming out of Fluttershy's mouth, and 3. There was already a pony music video for it. I didn't make it, definitely. The song is You're Gonna Go Far, Kid by The Offspring, though you should've already figured that out.

If anyone was gonna hate on me in the comments about RD's view on Green Day, then let me say that I have no problem at all with Green Day. RD just loves The Offspring, and figures that because of that, she has to hate their rival. She was basically talking shit. I couldn't actually make someone point that out, though, as no other pony I think would have any knowledge of Green Day. I'm well aware that Green Day's made something since American Idiot. Though, I did kind of get that from real life, as five years ago, when I was in Grade 5, there was this group of girls who had a crush on Billie Joe, and they swooned about Green Day a lot, but in Grade 6, I switched schools, and no one cared about Green Day there.

Random asides aside, I have to thank NorsePony and Smash King24 for prereading again. I'm really happy for them to be on the team. Someone has also started doing a reading of Triple X on YouTube, and it looks like it's off to a promising start. I wonder what he'll do when he sees this chapter, though, with the song and all?

Anyways, see ya guys soon.

Chapter 8

I lay awake in bed that night, my thoughts awash with today's memories. So much had happened.

Rainbow had gone from zero to hero all over again, and Fluttershy was the one to thank for it. When Dash had got off that stage, she was wearing the dumbest smile, and her eyes held an almost euphoric sense of wonder. Fluttershy had trod groggily beside her, with her eyes distant and her mouth wide open, overwhelmed by everything that had happened. Our group rushed over to the couple, and the mares incessantly peppered them with compliments and questions, but both could barely find the words to express their current state of mind. Fluttershy in particular was coming out of her drunken state, and the best she could do was babble incoherently. I guess she couldn't believe what she had just done, since she then fainted right on the spot.

With worried looks on their faces, Fluttershy's friends had gathered around the fallen angel, each one voicing their opinion that it was their responsibility to get Fluttershy home safely. In the end, though, Rainbow was the most insistent, and we all saw a fiery look in her eyes that made it impossible to turn down her offer. Rainbow quickly got Fluttershy's limp form onto her back, and lifted off into the twilight, carefully controlling her speed to make sure her passenger didn't fall off. After she faded from view, we turned back to the stage, expecting more music, but the band was too stunned to play any more songs, and were already packing up their instruments. With the free entertainment gone, the party quickly dispersed. I knew everypony would be talking about this hoedown for years to come.

But, those ponies would almost certainly talk about Fluttershy taking centre stage, or her foul language, or her epic guitar solo. My mind, however, kept wandering back to that kiss. Everypony who knew the two ponies personally was stunned and perplexed at the kiss, since Rainbow and Fluttershy hadn't shown any special interest in the other before today.

Rarity had looked skyward in thought. "I can't help but be surprised that Fluttershy prefers to, shall we say, 'wander in the flower garden?' I always thought she was the type who was waiting for a valiant stallion in shining armour to sweep her away."

Twilight had also given the situation some thought. "I just hope that this isn't all because Fluttershy was drunk," she wondered aloud.

Rarity gasped. "Goodness, I hadn't even thought of that! What if this was all because Fluttershy was under the influence? And what about the last time she drank? She said that she didn't remember anything from that night! Even if she really does have feelings for Rainbow, she might forget all about tonight! Rainbow would be devastated, and Fluttershy might never again be able to gather enough courage to confess!" Rarity had laid a hoof across her forehead in a swoon. "That would be a terrible tragedy!" It had occurred to me to wonder whether Rarity padded her income by writing trashy romance novels.

Applejack had put a hoof to her chin. "Ah just hope that Rainbow ain't gonna mistreat Shah. Y'all remember that story Rainbow told us? The one with the dancer? Ah don't think the old Rainbow would have said those things to anypony. Will she treat Shah the same way?"

Rarity had been quick to back up Applejack, though she viewed things through her own diamond lens. "I concur, Applejack. Even before Rainbow left Ponyville, I had thought that she would not be one to go along well with relationships, but that problem might now have been even further compounded by that dreadful house of ill repute that she seems to spend so much time in. Fluttershy does not deserve to be treated like a common harlot."

I had to rise to Rainbow's defence. "What are you two talking about? You know Rainbow would never do anything to hurt Fluttershy! Sure, she's been through some tough times, and she's had to adapt to her circumstances, but she wants nothing more than to be treated as an equal among you. How would treating Fluttershy wrongly ever help her to regain your trust? I'm sure she really does love Fluttershy, and even though she's putting on this brash demeanor, trying to be like she was before, she really is just as fragile as Fluttershy now. If she did anything that made you all angry, I know she'd crack into a million pieces."

The four friends had exchanged glances, and Rarity had let out a sigh. "Maybe you're right, darling. I suppose you know Rainbow better than we do, now. I give you both my sincerest apologies."

"Ah guess Ah was also a mite quick to judge," Applejack had said. "They're both grown mares. Ah know they'll figure out this whole mess themselves. But shucks, with a surprise this big, can ya blame us for jumpin' to conclusions?"

"I guess not," I had said. Applejack, and the rest of the group to some extent, had all really seemed put off by the fact that this relationship seemed so sudden and fickle, but deep down inside, I think I was wishing my own relationship was similar. More the "sudden" part, really, but I'd seen Lyra many times over the week, and we'd never come close to kissing after the first date. I knew it was kind of immature to be thinking like this, but I couldn't help myself. Would the random everypony even view Lyra and I as a "thing?" Maybe even Lyra herself doesn't think that way. In the time since our first date, we haven't even come close to holding hooves, let alone kissing. Have I been doing enough? I've gotten new flowers for the vase every day, and conversed with her at the beginning and end of her shifts, and sometimes when I'm bored, too, but in hindsight, would those be things a good friend would also do? Or was Lyra just simply waiting for me to make some sort of move? She had stood up to her own friends for me, so she cared about me at least that much. A wise stallion once told me that that was much harder than standing up to your enemies. Okay no, I just read that once on the Ponynet. Whaddya want from me?

It had been about six years since I'd had a special somepony, and I had never felt the way about her that I did with Lyra. I took her out to places a few times, but we never really seemed able to naturally talk to one another. I often found her staring off into the distance, her cigarette smoke drifting aimlessly in front of her. We tried to get something going, and we made out a few times, but it just didn't feel right to either of us. We broke up pretty quickly.

With Lyra, it was different. When she wasn't around, I often found myself thinking of her. I looked forward to her shifts, and our aimless conversations behind the counter at 12 in the morning. I dreamt of the way she blushes whenever I bring up a risqué topic. I really did like Lyra. Maybe I even loved her. My heart couldn't make up its mind on that, though, since all I knew about love had come from porn and drunk sex at the bar. "Here's a hundred for your troubles" was surprisingly unhelpful when it came to figuring out my emotions toward Lyra. All I knew was that I wanted Lyra. I craved her. And I needed to bring the two of us closer together. My thoughts drifted to Lyra's lips. Six years without being kissed is a long time. As sleep claimed me, my last conscious thought was of her.

I woke to the clanging of my alarm clock reverberating in my ears. I had picked it up recently so I would always be on time with my newly-complicated morning routine. Without the alarm clock, there had been no way to tell time in my apartment without turning on the computer.

I got out of bed, and headed down to the bathroom to wash up. I had only recently resolved to take a shower daily. With Lyra working in the shop every day, I figured it was for the best. As the hot water splashed in my face, my thoughts once again turned to that dainty, golden-eyed unicorn. I knew that I wanted to get closer to her, but we'd only been more than employer and employee for a bit more than a week, and I wasn't exactly sure how to go about it. A date was the simplest option, and probably the right one, but there were so many ways to go about a date. Should it be romantic or realistic? Extravagant or simple? And should I just go for the kiss, or more than that? And how do I even bring up the subject of a date? Ugh. At times like these, I wished I sold romance novels instead of porn. Hell, even the trashy ones would be better than nothing.

I walked out of the shower, dripping wet, and stared at the empty towel rack. I guess I should buy some new towels, now that I'm showering again. Why this hadn't occurred to me before, I had no idea. My only option was to shake myself like a dog, and after a quick look in my wet and grimy mirror, I confirmed that while my smell wouldn't be a problem, ponies would probably be put off anyways by my apparent lack of mane care. I sighed, and cantered over to the front door, for once happy that it was still hot outside.

I made my way over to the flower shop on Mane Street, something that I had been doing daily for a week or so now. Today, I selected a simple bouquet of white daisies, and brought them over to the counter, where a cream coloured mare with a red-violet mane was waiting.

"How are you doing today, Sly?" said the mare as she punched in some numbers on the register.

"Just fine, Rose," I said. During our short conversations every day, we had learned a little about each other: names, Rose's favourite flowers, and the fact that I was buying these flowers for a mare named Lyra. I had avoided telling her where I worked, though. She seemed to be a pretty conservative pony, and I was reluctant to tell her.

The cash register popped open with a ding, and Rose turned to me. "And how are things going with Lyra? That will be two bits, by the way."

I fished some bits out of my pocket, and hoofed them over to her. "They could be going better. I want to take her on a date, but I have no idea what sort of date she'd like. Should I just take her out to a fancy restaurant?"

Rose stroked her chin with a hoof as she put the bits away. "Hmm, well, all mares would like that, dearie. I know I'm fond of it. But don't go out of your way if you can't afford it."

"How'd you know I was poor?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, you've only been getting the cheapest bouquets, and just by the way you hold yourself, it's not that hard to see. I guess you could say I have a knack for these sorts of things."

"Well, maybe you do, since you're right. I probably couldn't afford a fancy dinner. But what do I do, then?"

"Oh, I don't know, dearie. Just go to some place nice and talk about things you share an interest in. Now, I'd love to talk to you some more, but..." Rose pointed a hoof over my shoulder. I turned, and saw a line of irritated customers.

My cheeks flushed red. "Heh, sorry. Thanks for the advice, Rose."

"No problem, dearie. Ooh, good choice, Davenport..."

I walked out of the store, holding the wrapped bouquet of daisies in my mouth. Their smell wafted into my nose, and I had to restrain myself from taking a bite out of one. These were for Lyra, and I had the ingredients for a simple daisy sandwich at home, anyways.

After I set the bouquet in its vase, and made myself a sandwich, I sat down behind the counter. I greedily took a large bite of my sandwich, savouring its flavour. I was happy Rose had given me that advice. Though, when I thought about it, I found myself asking, "what interests do Lyra and I share?" We'd only really talked about our pasts and what she was doing at college, since the subject of work was still a touchy one. We shared the same liberal views, and had the same sense of humour, but we had not hit upon a topic we could really share our opinions on. That's not to say we hadn't talked much, oh no. We were gabbing it up pretty regularly, it's just that those two topics were the most natural ones to talk about, and working in this type of business means I have no shortage of crazy stories. I'll eventually run out, though, and it'd be nice to have a topic to discuss that we were both equally interested in. Maybe the only reason we hadn't found one yet was that I didn't really have a hobby; I just spent my time at the bar or dicking around on the Ponynet. Lyra had her namesake when she was bored, but I still couldn't get over the fact that that same type of instrument had made us postpone our first date, to put it nicely. The music Eros played wasn't really the type I was interested in, anyways.

My thoughts were interrupted by a knocking on the shop's door. I glanced at the TV, and saw that it was past time to open the shop. I sighed, and let the eager stallion in. Guess my thoughts on Lyra will have to wait.

Lyra briskly cantered in from the twilight, on time as always. A breeze followed her, and she shivered from the unseasonable cold.

She warmed her hooves with a breath. "Whew, it's freezing out there!"

I could only nod in response; it seemed as if any semblance of a smooth opening line had suddenly disappeared. I offered Lyra my chair, and she let out a small moan as she laid herself down on it.

"Ah, nice and warm..." said Lyra, closing her eyes in contentment. She sank into the comfy chair, and I could only smile at the pleasant sight, feeling a warmth growing in my chest.

I decided now was the time to bring up dating. Nervously, I opened my mouth to begin, but I was interrupted by a soft tune, hummed gently by Lyra. It was simple but sounded sweet and warm, and it made me feel like I was cozying up to the soft heat of a fire on a cold winter's day. Her hooves moved as if she was grasping something, and her horn lit up. After a split second, though, her horn fizzled, and her eyes flew open to stare at her empty hooves, as if she expected her lyre to be in her grasp. She gave me a sheepish smile.

"Where'd you learn that tune?" I asked.

"I...kinda made it up," said Lyra, a blush of embarrassment forming on her cheeks.

"It was great. Does it have any words to go along with it?"

"Well, yes, but they're kind of a work in progress..." She fidgeted in her seat.

"Lyra, don't be so reluctant, I'm sure they're amazing. Would you tell them to me?"

Lyra nodded once eagerly, and she went to nod a second time, but she stopped herself. A blush formed on her cheeks, but with a sigh, she began. Despite her earlier trepidation, she sang in earnest from the beginning, not faltering even once. Her voice was high and sweet, but with an undercurrent of power emphasizing the emotion in her voice.

"Mother, hold me tight
The world was unkind today

She sung the lyrics sadly and slowly, with her eyes closed, but at the same time, she held a comforting smile on her face, as if playing the dual of role of both mother and child.

The flowers withered
And the birds did not take flight
Hold me tight, mother
And let my fear go away

"That's all I have so far. I know they're not great..." said Lyra, her cheeks flushed a light shade of red. I was wowed. With lyrics like that, there was no need for her to be flustered.

"I had no idea you were such a poet, Lyra. Really, that's better than anything I ever thought of." I gave her a smile. I really meant that. She'd had to have gotten some training, or something. It was amazing to think that she might have been born with such a good sense of balladry, kind of like I had. But hers was much stronger. Though, its strange to think that ponies are just born with that, though I have no other explanation for it. Take me, for example. My dad, the only other pony I lived with, spoke only in the most brash of ways. It certainly hadn't been the porn; you might see "I marveled at the stature of his throbbing stallionhood as I begged for him to take me into a paradise of pleasure" in a book, but on tape, you only get "Oh yeah, baby, gimme that big dick!" Maybe I'd gotten it from my mother...?

"Heh," said Lyra, the blush on her cheeks fading. "That's a high compliment from the Poet of Porn."

I guffawed, surprised that Lyra had noticed my tendency toward verbosity. "Good one," I said.

"Hey," said Lyra, a light beginning to shine in her eyes as her mouth dropped open. "Why don't you come to the next reading with me?"

"The next what?" I asked.

Lyra put a hoof to her face in disappointment. "Geez, Sly, you're better at this than I thought if you don't know what a 'reading' is. A reading is where ponies go to read their poems and short stories to a crowd of other ponies. They do one every week at a coffee shop across town. I go to them every Friday night. Fortunately you haven't needed me at the store on Fridays--oh damn, if you go with me, what about the store?"

At that moment, the gears clicked in my mind, and I had to stop myself from just yelling out "Fuck that, let's get on with it!" With difficulty, I put on my best conservative smile. "Nonsense, Lyra, I can close the store for a night. Now that you told me what one of these is, it sounds like something pretty nice."

Lyra gave me a warm smile. "Well, that's great. It always starts at 8:00, so if we leave the shop at 7:30, we should arrive there on time."

"Sounds good," I said, making my way towards the stairs. "Have fun on your shift!"

Lyra nodded. I walked up the stairs and into my flat, and thrust a hoof in the air. I was going on a date with Lyra, and she had asked me out! To tell the truth, I wasn't really sure about this whole poetry thing, but I thought that maybe this might be our common interest. I just hoped that the ponies who went to these readings weren't all stuck up their own asses about how very "serious" and "weighty" their verse was.

Lyra and I cantered towards the warmly lit windows after a pleasant, but tiring walk. I had simply followed Lyra's lead the whole way, as I had never been to this side of town. The coffee shop seemed nice enough. It was an old brick building that looked like it had been recently renovated, with smooth polished wood bordering the door and windows. The shop's name, The Open Mike, was burned into a large wooden sign above the windows. A small painted logo of a microphone had been painted in below the words. The large windows allowed me a glance at the building's interior, which held a mahogany bar with stools, as well as many round tables, each with four wooden chairs around them. At the far end of the shop stood a wooden stage, with no curtains and only a plain brick wall behind it. A lonely pole stood in the centre of the stage, a microphone resting on top of it. Many ponies were already inside, and I faintly heard the clock tower across town strike eight.

We entered the building, and were instantly greeted by the aroma of cigarettes and ground coffee, as well as a scowling barista. She was an ash grey mare with a dark grey mane and light purple eyes. She had her mane tied up in a bun behind her head, and was wearing glasses, the colour of which matched her eyes. Her cutie mark was...some purple swirly thing. Come on, Celestia, whatever this mark is, it's more uninspired than mine.

Not letting this mare's scowl dissuade her, Lyra cheerfully approached the counter. "Hello again, Octy, how are you doing?"

"Octy" grumbled at what I assumed was her nickname, and muttered something incoherent.

"Great!" said Lyra. "I'll have the usual. A caramel macchiato, 1% milk, only one sugar, hold the foam."

"And what will it be for your beau?" said the mare, revealing a surprising upper-class Canterlot accent.

"Uh..." I said, my eyes darting around the chalkboard menus behind her. I wasn't much of a coffee aficionado, but I didn't want to seem like I knew diddly squat.

The mare barely gave me two seconds. "I haven't got all night," she said haughtily.

"I'll have...the same thing she's having." Whew, nice save.

"Octy" grumbled off, reaching for the cups as Lyra and I sat down at the last empty table. I gave Lyra a look when I saw that she had adopted her usual strange sitting posture. The table's candle gave off an inviting glow, as though to make up for the staff. The attitude of the barista worried me; would everypony here be like that? Looking around, I saw that the majority of ponies had on black-rimmed glasses, and a few were wearing turtlenecks, despite it being a wonderful and warm summer's night. I looked down at a turtleneck-wearer's drink, and was surprised to see that despite the steam coming off of the foamy beverage, a straw had been stuck in it.

"What's with everypony?" I asked.

"Huh? What do you mean?" said Lyra, cocking her head to one side.

"What's with the...turtlenecks, and, uh..."

Lyra shrugged. "Ehh, it's a new trend from Canterlot. Most ponies who come to these things moved from there."

"More importantly, what was with the barista?"

"Oh, Octavia? I'm not exactly sure, but I think she was a cello player in Canterlot a few years ago. I heard she had some bad luck, though, and ended up having to move here like lots of other ponies. Ponyville's housing prices are supposedly 'dirt cheap.'"

I was going to ask what the drink I ordered was like, but the lights suddenly dimmed a bit, making the candle on the table a now less than redundant source of light. A steel blue young stallion, dressed in a turtleneck, glasses, and even a black woolly tuque, approached the microphone onstage.

"Hello again, everypony," said the stallion, his sincere and inviting voice filling the room. "As you all probably know, I'm the owner of this establishment, Blue Moon. And tonight, The Open Mike offers to members of the audience the chance to recite their poems or short stories before their peers. Do I have any ponies who want to read first tonight?"

Instantly, five or six hooves shot up. To my surprise, Lyra's was not one of them.

"What are you doing?" I asked. "You're a great poet. Just recite those lyrics and I bet they'll wow everypony."

Lyra blushed. "I'm still a novice at poetry, Sly. I don't think I can...maybe later..."

Lyra had definitely missed her chance now, with Blue Moon now having chosen a yellow mare with a cropped black mane, glasses in the standard black, and brown eyes. He surrendered the mike to her after informing everypony not to applaud for each individual. "One pony's trash is another pony's treasure," he said.

The mare adjusted her glasses and cleared her throat. She began:

"Flower, petals gold
Radiant in estival
Just a weed in fall"

I blinked in puzzlement. Wait, what was that? That wasn't poetry!

The mare bowed her head, and politely walked offstage. Lyra nodded as she stroked her chin with a hoof, and got a faraway look in her eyes. How did she 'get' that?

As soon as the yellow mare walked offstage, hooves once again shot up, many more than the first time. Maybe ponies had been jittery at being the first one onstage? Nevertheless, Blue Moon chose another, and that pony headed for the stage. Hopefully, this poem'll be better than the last one...

I grumbled as the last pony made his way off the stage. His poem had been yet another of what Lyra had eventually told me were called "haiku." To make it even worse, I hadn't even gotten to hear Lyra recite anything, as she had been too nervous to take the stage. Even the two short stories that had been read weren't very good, and only seemed to serve to pad this event's running time. The clock on the wall now read 10:00, and our caramel whatever-they're-calleds lay finished long ago on the table.

"I trust it isn't like this all the time?" I asked Lyra, choosing my words carefully.

"Most nights it's better, yes. I mean, I like haiku as much as the next pony, but that was a little excessive," said Lyra, smiling sheepishly. "The event's not quite over, though."

"What's left?" I asked.

The sound of somepony clearing his throat turned my attention back to the stage. Blue Moon was once again at the mike. "And now comes the final part of the evening, where we select one random pony in the audience to be our last reader, giving them a chance to be heard in the community, even if they don't think they're up for it yet. Now...which one of you will be the one..."

As Blue Moon's eyes began to scan the audience, Lyra slumped lower in her chair, almost disappearing under the table, illustrating one of the benefits of her posture. I rolled my eyes and leaned over the table.

"Lyra, what are you doing?" I said in a hasty whisper.

"I don't want to get picked!" she said, alarmed. "Get down, Sly! Blue Moon usually picks anypony causing a distur--"

"And, it looks like I've found our lucky pony! You, in the middle with the grey coat and yellow eyes," said Blue Moon, his hoof pointing directly at me.

Seriously? I nervously pointed a hoof at myself, and Blue Moon gave me a sly nod.I sighed, and began my walk up to the stage. Along the way, I felt the prying eyes of everypony I passed. Ugh, stop staring at me, guys! What, is there something in my teeth?...I really hope there isn't...

Blue Moon made room for me onstage as I walked up to the microphone. I looked out over the audience, seeing dozens of pairs of identical thick-rimmed glasses staring back at me, all wondering what my impromptu piece will be. Everypony who'd already been onstage was looking at me with a hint of disgust. What's with you guys? I bet I could do a haiku better than anypony in this room!

Suddenly, a horrible, dastardly idea struck me, and I began:

"Wanting to hear poems
I came; all I heard was shit
Haikus fucking suck"

I stepped away from the mike, and looked over the audience again, this time with a smirk on my face. Some ponies wore an expression of pure shock; others held up their noses at me as if I was a heap of trash. A cricket chirped in the distance. From behind the counter, Octavia shook her head, and I caught Lyra in the process of facehoofing.

I heard a growl from my left. I turned, and was surprised to see an uncharacteristically angry Blue Moon glaring back at me. "Get out of my shop..." he said, his voice laced with malice. I met his gaze and saw the fiery rage in his eyes, and I came to the terrible conclusion that he was dead serious. And that if I didn't get out of here now, I'd just be plain dead.

I dashed off the stage, everypony making a path for me, probably just not wanting to touch me. I heard the noise of a chair falling over, and looked over my shoulder to see Lyra running behind me. When we exited the shop, Octavia came up to the door, holding out a hoof to stop it from swinging on its hinges. She gave Lyra and me a death glare before slamming the door almost hard enough to crack its glass pane.

Then, just when I thought I was safe, Lyra turned on me. "Why'd you have to do that, Sly!?" she yelled, a pained expression on her face.

I defensively raised my hooves. "Wait a second, Lyra! It was all in good fun! Those ponies needed a taste of their own medicine!"

"Yeah, the poems weren't great, but that doesn't mean you go up onstage and insult everypony!"

"Hey, he was the one who called me up!"

"Yeah yeah, big whoop! I'll never be able to get in again!" Lyra threw her hooves up in the air. "Ugh! I'm going home, Sly."

Lyra began to walk away. Dammit! I didn't want it to turn out like that at all. I had been sure that Lyra and I would be laughing our asses off once we got outside...well, there's no way I could make it any worse...

Lyra stopped walking and turned back, hearing my hoofsteps behind her. "Why are you following me, Sly?"

"I'm sorry, Lyra, but you're the only one who knows the way home from here."

"Ugh...fine..."

Truth be told, if I had to, I could probably find my way back, but a plan was taking shape in my mind as we continued walking.

"Y'know," I said. "Your lyrics were better than anything else I heard today."

Lyra didn't respond.

"Those ponies wouldn't know good poetry if it bucked them in the face. They were probably just holding you back."

Lyra turned to face me, and I was saddened to see tears on her cheeks. She sniffed. "Sly, even if that place didn't have the best poets, it was the only place in Ponyville where I could learn about poetry first-hoof."

"And I'm saying that you don't need it! You don't need a bunch of snooty Canterlot ponies telling you what to do. And think about it: they only left Canterlot because they weren't doing well; how can you trust ponies like that to judge you?"

"But then, how will I improve my poetry?"

"I can help you with that. After all, I am the Poet of Porn."

A smile slowly crept back onto Lyra's face. She sighed. "I guess you're better than nothing."

Lyra began to walk again, and I followed, content for now with her mood.

As we passed by the clock tower in the centre of Ponyville, a small laugh escaped Lyra's lips.

"What was that now?" I asked.

"Heh, I guess it was kinda funny. Your haiku, I mean," said Lyra, trying to hold back any more giggles.

I gave her a smug smile. "It was more than 'kinda' funny. Did you see the look on Blue Moon's face?"

"Ha! That was pretty funny. He looked like he was going to kill you!"

"Uh, yeah, that's why I ran!"

Lyra let out a cute series of giggles. "Maybe I will get along fine without 'em," she said, her eyes turned to the stars. "Octavia did always make the milk 2%, give me the standard two sugars, and leave the foam on top anyways."

This time, it was my turn to laugh. After another few minutes of walking, we came to our intersection. To the west was Soresaddle Street, with its abandoned warehouses and half-broken streetlights, with the Mareborough in the distance. To the east ran the much newer Luna's Way, with its newly laid cobblestones, freshly painted park benches, and Lyra's apartment in the distance.

Lyra turned to me. "Well, I guess it's time for us to part ways."

"Yeah," I said. "I guess it is."

"Now that I think about it, Sly, this night turned out alright. If you had just recited a normal, boring poem neither of us would've gone home happy. You probably would've never come back to The Open Mike anyways."

"Heh, yeah, probably not."

Lyra gave me a strange little smile, and her eyelids descended to half-mast. "I guess you deserve a reward for breaking the monotony."

"What are you getting a--"

My question was silenced by Lyra when she pressed her beautiful lips against mine. My eyes shot wide open as Lyra slid hers closed. Her warm, moist lips tasted like coffee, and for a second I just stood there like a foal, too thunderstruck to even consider returning the kiss. As soon as my lips moved against hers, she broke away.

"Sorry, Sly," she said quickly. "I have morning classes, and I need my sleep. We can get together some other time, though. Like maybe my place, to 'help me improve.'"

She gave me a sultry wink, and all I could do was rapidly nod my head like an idiot, any cognitive speech still on hold. Lyra playfully giggled at my display.

"See you tomorrow, Sly!" she said as she trotted away from me, suggestively swaying her hips the whole way. When she finally disappeared from view, I plunked myself down on the ground. My mind started whirling, making me feel like I'd just drunk about a half-dozen beers. My heart pounded in my chest, and I could feel sweat starting to gather on the back of my neck. I looked down at my hooves, and saw that they were shaking uncontrollably.

I vividly remembered the wonder and joy in Rainbow's eyes as Fluttershy had kissed her. So this is what she'd been feeling.

I lifted my quivering hooves up to my muzzle. As I contemplated them, a big grin started to stretch across my face. Involuntarily, a nervous laugh escaped my lips. A giddy lightness spread through me, and I couldn't hold the feeling inside for a moment longer. I threw my head back and thrust my hooves into the air as I let out an ear-shattering whoop that must've woken half the town. "FUCK YEAH!"

Author's Note

Here's the eagerly awaited next chapter, I hoped you all liked it. You guys were lucky that you wanted Slyra shipping (seriously, I'm the first one to think of this?), cause you sure as hell got it. They're such a cute couple :3.

I wonder what you guys'll think of how I portrayed Octavia. She wasn't gonna be the barista at first, actually. When I tried to imagine how the barista looked when I was writing this though, going for somepony that looked like Julie Powers from Scott Pilgrim, I just ended up with Octavia with a different hair style, and I was like "Sure, why not! I can put a bitchy spin on Octavia; it worked with Bon Bon." Too bad, though, that she's not doing too well while Vinyl Scratch is still
jamming away at parties, as mentioned in Chapter 6. What's with me and breaking up fanon pairings? Don't get me wrong, lesbians are awesome!

If anyone is obsessed with knowing what day of the week it is in every chapter (like me), then check out this calendar I made to help myself, the prereaders, and everyone with that. Eight chapters, and only two weeks have gone by there. And while I'm at it, someone asked me for a description of the Hard Cider, along with a description of the Knife and Apple a while back, and I was more then happy to help, going so far as to draw this shitty-looking diagram of the bar, with notes and without.

In other news, Peanut has released the second chapter of Triple X on audiobook, and also, fanart by Defender.

Now that all that's over with, I have a bit of news that some of you might not like too much. After listening to Chapters 1 and 2 on audiobook, I really couldn't stop myself from grimacing at some of what I wrote back then, how I just ran rampant with the tenses, and wrote a few things that sounded very strange when spoken out loud; if you listen to Chapter 2 while having the document open, you can see that Peanut even had to rephrase a few of my sentences to make everything sound fine. This has all lead me to deciding that I'll be doing a minor rewrite of Chapters 1-3, and possibly 4 and 5. This means that the next chapter will probably take even longer to be finished. Hopefully, this won't take too long, but you never know. When the rewrites come out, don't feel compelled that you need to read them if you don't want to. We'll only be tightening up screws, and the like, though if you do choose to read them, you might enjoy them even more than the first time. I'll also put a new author's note at the end of each, if I feel like talking about anything.

I'm really happy that I'm doing this, though. Hopefully, if this story was on the cusp of greatness in your mind, this'll make it go over. And hey, if not, at least I'll be able to fill that tiny plothole (Sly saying his TV has four channels in Chapter 1, and then flipping through five in Chapter 2. And no, for once, I didn't mean anything else with that statement. Get your head out of the gutter.), and correct that typo at the end of Chapter 2. And don't worry about the audiobook, Peanut was the first guy I talked to about this, and he said he'd be fine doing the first two chapters again.

So...yeah. Hope you guys don't turn into an angry mob, or anything. See you soon.

Chapter 9

Oh Luna, your night is beautiful! Fuck, it's beautiful!

I thrust my hooves into the air, staring at the magnificence of the starry sky, and what its goddess had brought me that night. I might've yelled a few more obscenities, but at this point, I couldn't quite tell the difference between my thoughts and reality, and I had trouble thinking straight.

Though, one thought did come to me as I finally lowered my hooves: This might be the best moment of my life. I sat there wide-eyed for a second, letting that thought sink in. I bet I looked ridiculous. Some time passed; I don't know how long it was, as short as a few seconds, or as long as a few hours. Eventually, though, that strange, almost pervy smile once again danced across my face, and I looked down at my hooves to see if they were quivering again. As I tried to focus on them, though, an inky blackness began to form around the edges of my vision. I tried to blink it away, but it didn't really work. Finally, it completely clouded over my vision, and far off in the distance, I heard my head hit the ground.

"Hey, how many more've we got in the carriage?"

"Still got two pairs left."

Huh? Wha...

"Awesome, bring them over. Y'know, I think I might break your record tonight. What was it again?"

"10."

Ugh, my head...

"That seems doa--wait, ten!? You can't even fit that many on one pony's legs!"

"Heh. It was a pegasus."

Slowly, I began to come back into the world. My sense of hearing was the first to fully return, picking up the sound of what I could only assume was a friendly punch on the shoulder.

"That's cheating, dude!"

"Still counts in my book."

"Well, your book is gay."

My sense of touch also started to return. In particular, I felt a hoof quickly pass over one of my own. But then, the touch became very cold. Almost like stee--my eyes shot wide open, and for the first time I saw my predicament.

I first saw the object that was touching me. Luckily, it was not a knife, as I had feared. Instead, I was now confused; why was it a pair of hoofcuffs?

The pure white hoof holding the hoofcuffs quickly jumped back, as did the rest of the pony it belonged to. As he rose to a standing position, I had to tilt my head to look up at him, reminding me of my awkward position on the ground. My legs and underbelly were fully exposed, along with my...oh shit, I hope there aren't any mares walking in this direction.

The stallion who had been holding the hoofcuffs suddenly dropped them, the cold steel making a clinking noise as it made contact with the cobblestones. I looked past his red-brown mustache to his eyes, which were wide with surprise. I guessed he wasn't expecting me to wake up anytime soon. After a second though, they gradually went back to normal. He slicked his mane back with a hoof and cleared his throat, preparing himself to speak.

"Well, um..." His cop hat bobbed on top of his mane as he lowered himself to make eye contact. "As you probably figured, you're under arrest."

He glanced down at my legs, prompting me to do the sa--HOLY HELL, THEY ALL LOOK LIKE ZECORA'S NECK! Like, each pair already had three sets of hoofcuffs on it. How did I not notice that? I certainly felt the metal digging into me now, though. I tried to wiggle a hoof, but I found it basically impossible to do, and it gave me a tingly feeling when I did move it about an inch. Great. On top of their intended purpose, the hoofcuffs had also cut off my circulation.

I tried to think of something retaliatory, but the words just weren't coming out of my mouth, though since I just discovered that I was virtually unable to move, this should come as no surprise. After a few moments of deliberation, though, something finally did come to mind.

"I am?" Obviously you are, you dumbass!

A pained expression came across the cop's face, as if he was trying to hold back a laugh. A few giggles were still coming through, though. "Y'think?" he said. He then succumbed to his laughter after his hilarious joke.

His partner shared in his laughter, stomping his midnight blue hooves against the ground. He even threw his head back at one point, causing his wire-frame glasses to almost fall off his face. His mane, also of a dark blue colour, flopped around with each movement. I noticed that his cutie mark was a spyglass, prompting me to check out his partner's ass as well. I was somehow not surprised when I saw it depicted a pony just like me being brutally arrested, lying on the ground with his hooves behind his back and crying out in pain. The policepony standing above him had a pair of cuffs at the ready, and was about to slap them down on the offender's sensitive limbs.

The cutie mark quivered as its owner continued to laugh his ass off at me, and my blood boiled at the thought that they were taking so much pleasure in my arrest. Hell, they were probably committing a few crimes now; this is assault, right? It must be something! In the heat of the moment, I stupidly blurted something out. "Hey, shut the fuck up!"

They immediately did, and instead began to glare at me. The white one sternly began walking towards me, and lowered his face until we were only a few inches apart.

"That reminds me," he said, a mischievous grin spreading across his face. "You have the right to remain silent, motherfucker! Anything you say or do, like disrespecting my authority, can and will be held against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney, but if you're too poor-ass to afford one, we'll appoint a really shitty one for you. Did you get all that, or are you retarded or something?"

"Of course I did, I'm not as much of an imbecile as you two," I said, anger seething in my voice after being read that bastardisation of my rights. I narrowed my eyes at the childish stallion. "But why am I being fucking arrested in the first place?"

"Oh, still feisty, eh?" he said. He nodded towards the carriage, and then to his partner. "Get the stick, Midnight Watch."

Midnight Watch ran off in the direction my head wasn't facing, his spyglass cutie mark quickly disappearing from view along with the rest of him. I could only hear the sound of his hoofbeats as he ran to the carriage. I heard him bite down on something, followed by his hooves moving rapidly back towards me on the cobblestones. His hoofbeats stopped just a few inches from my head, and I was able to catch a glimpse of him out of the corner of my eye. In his teeth he held a standard-issue black police baton. I was not going to enjoy this...

"Teach our prisoner some discipline, Midnight!" yelled his partner. The baton moved like a flash, and before I knew it, a sharp, throbbing pain resonated through my skull. Damn, that hurt like hell! He whacked me a few more times for good measure, his partner rising up to his back legs and spreading his arms wide as he did so.

"Come at me, bro!" he said before bursting out laughing. Midnight couldn't resist laughing at the joke, sharing the same sense of "humour" his partner did. The nightstick fell from his mouth as he did so, finally ceasing his relentless assault. The pain began to sink in, and I tried to rub the spot with a hoof, but I had forgotten the hoofcuffs. Grumbling, I had to settle with just wincing as their chortling continued.

"Good one, P. I.!" said Midnight through a series of giggles. Yeah, beating a defenceless pony and abusing your power is the height of comedy.

"P. I." then abruptly came down from his standing position, landing with his face only a few inches from mine. He narrowed his eyes at me, and Midnight cut off his own laughter.

"You don't even remember why you're being arrested, scumbag?" said P. I. sternly. "Well, that's too bad. Because you're being arrested for first-degree murder."

My pupils shrunk into tiny dots, and my jaw almost hit the ground. "Wai-wai-wait, whaaaat?" I stammered out. I thought I only fainted when I blacked out! Do I sleepmurder, or somethi--

"Bahaha!" laughed P. I. again. I sighed in relief, happy that I hadn't killed anypony, but really, I should've expected it was just another lame joke. "You should've seen the look on your face!" He then narrowed his eyes again, hopefully in an actually serious manner this time.

"Really though," he said, the boredom that had suddenly come into his voice giving away that he was telling the truth. "You're being arrested for disturbing the peace. A bunch of local residents said you were shouting obscenities into the sky at the top of your lungs."

So, because of my reaction to what might've been the best night ever, tonight had now become the worst night ever. I bet Luna set this whole thing up after seeing that tonight would be boring otherwise. I bet she's sitting on one of those clouds up there right now, scarfing down popcorn and laughing at my misfortune.

I tried to say something back, maybe defend myself, or something, but instead I started tearing up. Why did it always have to happen to me? This night was supposed to go down as being awesome, but it turned out to be a total shitstorm. I'd been arrested before, but the last time had been when I was a teenager, filled with angst, or whatever, and just doing whatever the hell came to my mind. I knew I could get arrested for doing drugs and smashing things, but I did them anyways cause it was fun and I was dumb. But since when can you get arrested for experiencing the best night of your life?

I looked up at P. I. through my teary eyes, and saw him nervously shuffling on his hooves, his eyes shifting from left to right. This reminded me of an old mantra from high school: It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. Then, it's hilarious. Unless they're crying. Then, you act like the caring pony you aren't and console them until they shut up. It was a bit unwieldy for an expression, but it seemed P. I. knew he'd gone too far regardless of whether he knew it or not. Awkwardly, he brought a shaking hoof to my cheek, half-wiping a few tears from my sodden fur. "Don't cry, dude," he said. "Crying's gay."

I'm not sure why it did, but for some reason, that made me stop my crying. P. I. then decided he'd consoled me enough, and returned to a standing position. He sighed.

"Saddle up, Midnight Watch," he said. "We've got a long way to pull this guy."

About half an hour later, we pulled into the police station. I already knew the route, since it was the only police station in Ponyville, and my teenage self had "hung out" here numerous times, but I hadn't realized it was only a block away from The Open Mike. That whole episode already felt like it happened a month ago, even though it was still the same night.

We didn't immediately go inside the station when we got there, though. No, first, P. I. was starting to feel a little guilty, and he wanted all of my hoofcuffs taken off, though I was definitely in support of this at the time. But, because of the exorbitant number the two idiots had put on me, and the unconventional places they had clamped them, I had to sustain about ten minutes of gruelling torture as they clumsily fumbled around with the locks, accidentally stepping on me four or five times. Come on, Luna, couldn't they have been unicorns, at least? This kind of humour is just tasteless.

Finally though, the cuffs were off, but I still had to spend another ten minutes getting my circulation back. I guess I should be thankful that those two bozos took the cuffs off at all, and didn't make any wisecracks while doing so, but all the same, I made a mental note to sue them the first chance I got.

Two pairs of cuffs were then put back on me, just so I couldn't run away, before we all finally walked into the building. Inside, it was a pretty sparse space, about the same size as my shop. The walls were a bland off-white colour, with some boring grey tile to match. Along the back wall were six cheaply-made plush gray chairs, each with a multitude of holes in it that revealed the sickly yellow foam underneath. In the far left corner was a desk with an old computer on it, complete with another drab gray chair. In the far right one was a door with a stylized decal of a stallion and mare with a line between them, marking a washroom. Closer to the entrance on the left wall was a darker gray door with a barred window. From previous "visits", I knew that beyond it lay a few cells that were only used to keep prisoners for a short time before they were either set free or shipped off to the bigger South Equestrian Jail in the countryside. Thank Celestia I've never seen the inside of that place.

The two corners at the front of the room each had a potted plant and a window, but besides that, the room wasn't decorated at all. Its lighting came from a few buzzing fluorescent rods in the ceiling, not unlike the ones back at the shop. We walked under the cheaply made lights as P. I. and Midnight Watch led me to a chair, which they offered me a seat in. It was one of the more beat-up ones, though, so I kind of just awkwardly stared at it, unsure whether I wanted to sit or not. Midnight rolled his eyes, and made my decision for me, giving me a light shove into the chair, which luckily didn't collapse under my hooves.

P. I. looked at me for a second, his eyes half-lidded in disinterest, before trotting off to the computer. Either he wasn't sure whether an acceptable amount of time had passed after my breakdown to resume the taunting, or he had simply run out of things to taunt me about. With nothing better to do, Midnight Watch kept true to his namesake and watched me, focusing intently on the cuffs to make sure I wasn't trying to wiggle my way out of them.

P. I. sat down at the desk and lazily began clicking away with the mouse, supporting his chin on his free hoof. After about his fifth click, I finally realized that I still didn't know a very important piece of information.

"So, uh..." I said slowly, not exactly sure how I should phrase this. P. I. kept clicking away, not paying me any attention. After a moment of deliberation, I settled on: "What can I look forward to here?"

"Oh, nothing much," said P. I., still not bothering to look at me. "You'll be staying here tonight, and you'll also be fined a couple hundred bits, though--" His eyes widened in surprise at something he saw on the screen. "Hey, Midnight, come look at this."

P. I. quickly waved a hoof in Midnight's general direction, which finally drew Midnight's attention away from me. Disinterestedly, Midnight walked behind the desk, where P. I. cupped his hooves around his mouth and whispered something into Midnight's ear. I already thought this was strange, due to the fact that this situation could be viewed as "GAAAAAAAAY!" , or whatever P. I. would say, but I was weirded out even more when a fiendish grin started to grow on Midnight's face. P. I. then uncupped his hooves and rubbed them together under his chin with a similarly fiendish grin. I swear, they looked just like two James Bondage villains right before a rape scene.

"So, Mr. Sly Clop, is it?" said P. I. I guessed he had found my criminal record on the computer, though I was more surprised that he wasn't speaking in a bad Prench accent like all the James Bondage villains do. "I think we can arrange some terms for you."

"Uh, what do you mean?" I said nervously, my mind recoiling from thoughts of what sort of "terms" were usually "arranged" in the porno flicks.

P. I. got out of his chair and began to slowly walk towards me, a hungry look in his eyes. Midnight mimicked his movements just a step behind him. P. I. waited until he was about five inches from my face before he finally answered my question.

"Terms involving...sex." He licked his lips hungrily.

Oh fuck, they are gonna rape me! I tried desperately to get out of the cuffs, but without a key, or magic, or even fingers, it was futile. A cold sweat broke out on my brow, and my eyes became as wide as saucers. I leaned as far back as possible, but that only made them lean in closer, their piercing eyes making me feel like a cornered rabbit. I began to silently pray to Celestia.

As they continued their advance on me, though, I realized that a more direct approach wouldn't hurt. I gathered my willpower and shouted "Please, don't rape me!" at the top of my lungs.

Surprisingly, this made both cops relent their assault. In fact, they jumped about five feet away from me. Midnight's eyes were wide in astonishment, and P. I. stuck out his tongue and closed one eye in disgust.

"Ugh, rape you?" said P. I., recoiling even farther away from me. "Dude, that'sgay. Like, the definition of it. We saw what type of place you run. We just want some free pornos."

I blinked a few times, just relieved that my worst fears hadn't come true. The cold sweat that had been running down the back of my neck now finally started to go away. "Oh, heh, is that all you want?" I said, my voice still wavering with every word. "Please, just tell me how many."

"Oh, well if you put it that way, five for each of us should be sufficient," said P. I., regaining his composure.

I nervously laughed, assuring myself that everything was gonna be alright. "Th-that seems fine..."

P. I. grinned again, though this time, it was like a foal opening his presents on Hearth's Warming morning. He snickered under his breath a bit before raising one of his front hooves above his head. Midnight, who had now also recovered from the shock of being accused of gay rape, returned the gesture in kind, hitting P. I.'s hoof with his own, a resounding slap resonating through the room.

"Aww yeah, free T and A for us, Midnight!" said P. I. as he continued his juvenile celebration, thrusting both front hooves into the air. Come on guys, it's just porn.

Both of them then started to do a little dance, but after a couple of steps, they awkwardly brought in their hooves and pretended like their little display never happened. I guess they realized they were still on the job and had a prisoner sitting in front of them, not to mention what they were celebrating about.

P. I.'s eyes became half-lidded in a faux display of boredom as he addressed me again, his tone now one you'd expect an officer to have. "Well, I guess I can let you off without the fine. You'll still be staying with us for the night, though. Come on."

P. I. and Midnight, who had adopted the same demeanor as his partner, then came over to the chair I was sitting in and practically dragged me out of it. They let me walk on my own towards the door to the cells, but I couldn't even consider making a run for it, because they were only a few inches away from me on either side. When we reached the door to the cells, Midnight rummaged around in his pockets for the key and put it into his mouth, and began the awkward dance us earth ponies have to do when opening locked doors. Even though P. I. would've had to do the exact same thing if he had the key, he saw this as a golden opportunity to give Midnight some more friendly mocking, asking him if he was this bad with his wife. And even though it was a horrible and hypocritical thing to do, I couldn't resist snickering a bit at that stupid joke, prompting P. I. to whack me on the side of the head. Apparently, the grace period I had gotten from my breakdown had ended.

After another thirty seconds, Midnight finally got the door open, and we all walked into the holding cells, the door's rusty hinges making enough sound to wake the dead. The room itself wasn't much bigger than the room we came from, and its walls shared the previous room's love for off-white. This room's walls, though, were made of painted-over cement blocks, including the four walls that jutted out towards the hallway, separating the room's layout into six cells with a hallway right down the middle. Each cell was fronted by off-white iron bars, a barred iron door permitting access to the dreary interior. The cells themselves weren't much bigger than the bathroom at the back of my shop, each containing a pretty uncomfortable-looking cot, along with a toilet bowl with a roll of paper on one side that gave no privacy to its user. From what I could see, though, no one was in here with us. I was led to the cell in the far right corner, Midnight once again having to awkwardly unlock the door and my cuffs before I was unceremoniously shoved in.

A smug smile formed on P. I.'s face while Midnight was relocking the door. "Sleep tight, don't let the rapists bite!" P. I. said in a sing-song voice.

It was probably the wrong thing to do, but I couldn't resist getting one back at him, a smug grin starting to cross my own face. "What, you mean you guys?" I asked with faux innocence.

P. I. and Midnight jumped back a bit, each nervously looking left and right as if to say "What rapists? I don't see any." P. I. then rapidly shook his head and blinked, probably trying to clear his mind of any strange thoughts. He took on a new, angry demeanor.

"Seems like you still haven't learned anything!" he said, putting on a pretty good tough voice. "Midnight, unlock the door again!"

"Aww, but P. I., I just closed it!" whined Midnight.

P. I. stamped a hoof against the floor. "Well, I don't care! Open it again, this guy needs to be taught a lesson!"

"I've been opening doors all night, why don't you do it?"

"Ugh, fine!" P. I. rolled his eyes and reached around to his pocket, awkwardly grabbing the key in his mouth. He shuffled up to the door and began fumbling around with the lock, but it seemed he was out of practice, as even after thirty seconds nothing had happened. P. I. grumbled, and the key slipped from his grasp, prompting Midnight to chuckle a bit.

"Hey, this is harder than it looks!" said P. I. defensively, his glare not doing anything to cease Midnight's giggles.

"I had forgotten you got a D in locks at the academy," said Midnight, putting a hoof over his mouth in attempt to quiet himself down.

P. I. rolled his eyes and grunted, annoyed. "This isn't worth it! We'll come for you in the morning, wise guy. C'mon, Midnight, let's get back to patrol."

Midnight nodded, his laugh attack finally coming to an end. He followed P. I. as they both walked out of my view, the sound of a slamming door a few seconds later confirming that they were gone.

I sighed. Here I was again. I'd like to say that I thought I'd never be back, but when you live on Soresaddle Street, jail time is more of a "when" than an "if". Trouble always finds you sooner or later, though I can't say I ever expected to be in jail for being happy about having a marefriend. But really, I thought, there was no point in lamenting about it; I was only here for the night. I decided to treat this night as normally as possible, and start work tomorrow as if nothing ever happened. It was definitely too embarrassing to tell Lyra about.

Step one on making the night as normal as possible was using the toilet as normal. I'd used a prison toilet before about ten years ago, but it was understandably awkward. At the time, there was someone in the cell across from me, and I'm still pretty sure he was trying to catch a glimpse of me. But after glancing at the cell across the way, I saw there was really nothing to be nervous about; no pony was there. I decided this amount of privacy was good enough, and I began to do my business.

I was almost done when I heard a rustle in the cell across the way, and saw somepony's head rise from behind the cot. Both of our eyes widened in surprise as we realized what I was doing, and what was in plain sight.

"Aww geez, put that thing away!" the pony said before ducking behind the cot again. This snapped me out of my stupor and prompted me to awkwardly try to hide my decency as I finished up. Unfortunately, I was so startled that I lost my balance, and I soon found myself flat on my ass. Flustered, I covered myself with my front hooves as I replayed the scene in my memory, wondering how much of me he'd seen. As I heard him say those words again, though, I realized I knew his voice.

With a blush still on my cheeks, I rose up to a standing position, and slowly walked towards the iron bars. I could now easily see a bit of his brown mane poking up behind the cot, the little tuft of hair quivering nervously. I knew this pony wouldn't intentionally look at me, which is definitely better than some perv being in the cell next to mine, but still, in some ways it'd be better if I didn't know this guy at all. Come to think of it, I was also pretty surprised he was in jail in the first place.

"I-is that you, Doctor?" I said nervously, still hoping that he didn't see as much as I thought he did.

The pony behind the cot lifted his head and turned to look at me, and I saw that it was the Doctor. I gave him a friendly smile to reassure him, though I can't deny that it was also partly for myself; hopefully, this conversation wouldn't be as awkward as I'd imagined.

He stood up and squinted at me, like he wasn't sure that he was seeing correctly. "Sly?" he said, his eyes opening wide as he answered his question himself. I was happy when I saw that my old best friend hadn't gotten into a fight or anything, though I did notice his coat was a little greener than his usual shade of brown.

"Hey," I said, my smile completely genuine. Though I did wish it was under better circumstances, it was still nice to see his face again. "Long time no see, eh? What's got you in here?"

A smile grew across the Doctor's face in turn. "I was just about to ask you the same thing. You don't need to worry about me. I was just--" His eyes went wide as he cut himself off, placing a hoof over his mouth. I was about to ask him what was wrong, but he answered the question for me when he rushed over to the toilet bowl and began to throw up. I gave him the courtesy he hadn't given me, turning away from him to let him do his business in peace.

After a good minute or two, the noises ceased, and I turned my head back to the cell. Whooves's head slowly rose out of the toilet bowl, flecks of chewed food around the end of his muzzle. He decided to try finishing his sentence from earlier. "Drunk" -- he put his head back in the bowl, barfing up the last of the alcohol -- "and disorderly..."

"Um, that's too bad..." I said as I fidgeted awkwardly. What are you supposed to say to a guy who just ralphed?

The Doctor's head rose out of the bowl again, the green beginning to recede from his face. He wiped off his muzzle with a hoof before speaking. "What are you in for?"

"Uh..." I began. How much of this should I tell him? We'd be here all night if I recapped him on everything. Wait, that's it! "...it's a long story. Let's just say disturbing the peace. How did you get drunk enough to be picked up by the cops? Did you mistake the whiskey for beer again?"

Whooves stood up and sighed. "Things...haven't been going well," he said while turning his head towards the ground, not wanting to look at me. "After I left the Mareborough, I went to the Ponyville Press, wanting to get a small ad for "Doctor Whooves' Love Counseling for Stallions" in the back of the paper. They were happy to put my ad in the paper, but the fee was a lot more than I thought it would be. That, on top of the business permit I needed to buy, left me with not even enough money to pay this month's rent. I told myself it'd be okay; that the stallions would start pouring in. But so far, I haven't even gotten one lousy call!"

He stamped his hoof in disgust, and water began to gather in the corners of his eyes. "I tried to go back and work for you, but when I saw that the 'Help Wanted' poster had been taken down and that somepony else was behind the counter, I decided it was a lost cause. And now, tonight was the deadline for my rent, but obviously, I had almost nothing. When I broke the news to my landlord, he told me I had three days to move out. Three days, Sly!" His voice wavered, and tears rolled down his face. "You can guess what I did next. The only thing I have to my name now is a bunch of old furniture and empty bottles."

Doctor Whooves then unceremoniously dropped on the floor, and began to sob like a foal. I felt like a mother whose son had just asked her if he could move back into the basement: disappointed, but underneath flabbergasted that the colt she had raised couldn't do more with his life, and wondering if she was partly to blame for it. And unfortunately, I realized, this hypothetical way his mom would think could soon become a reality.

Why did you have to be such a dumbass, Doctor? I felt a few tears forming in the corners of my eyes. I tried to wipe them away with a hoof, but they just kept coming. Damn it. I had planned on telling the Doctor how stupid he was and that he should've thought things through a bit more, but here I am crying like I just saw the end of Titanic for the first time.

They were already at their breaking point, but it was that thought that made my eyes burst with tears. Oh come on, that came out 15 years ago! Get over it already! But there was no stopping them now; one of my best buds was broke and was gonna have to move back in with his mom, I got arrested and assaulted by two idiot cops, and Jack drowned in that stupid water.

I slumped down to the ground, a puddle beginning to form at my feet, and tried to reach out and comfort Doctor Whooves, wanting to wallow in our grief together. Unfortunately, reality was having none of that, as we were still separated by two sets of iron bars, not to mention the hallway in the middle. So, we had to contend with our melancholy alone. We could've probably devised a way for things to turn out better for the Doctor, had we been capable of holding a conversation, but both our throats and minds were dry after we finished sobbing. Neither of us even wanted to get up. Eventually, our minds finally caught up with our bodies, which had been aware that it was four in the morning or something the whole time. It's a little miraculous, but both of us somehow managed to fall asleep on that cold, gravelly stone floor.

We were awoken not too long after by the sound of the door to the cell room being slammed open. I easily recognized P. I.'s annoying voice as he started our day with "Rise and shine, dickwads!"

I groaned, and rolled over onto my back. I began to massage my neck with a hoof, thoroughly regretting my decision to sleep on the floor. My legs also had not fared very well, and if you looked close enough, you could still see rings on them where the hoofcuffs had been. I gingerly began to stand up, carefully not placing any more weight on each hoof than I had to, when the bars behind me suddenly rattled. I quickly jumped up, and immediately regretted my decision as pain shot through all my limbs. I heard P. I. snicker behind me.

"I'm just playing with you, ya pussy," he said as he began to unlock the door behind me. I carefully turned around, and saw that for once, Midnight wasn't behind him. The Doctor was, though, and he was also rising to his feet, the lack of painful grimaces revealing to me that he hadn't suffered the same humiliating treatment I had. His face instead wore a look of anger.

"Give it a rest already, P. I., this isn't high school anymore," he grumbled. "Y'think a guy named 'Pure Intentions' wouldn't be such a potty mouth..."

At the mention of his full name, P. I. quickly wheeled around, the scared look the Doctor got in his eyes telling me that P. I. really didn't like being called that. "You're this close to a beating, Whooves," he said, malice dripping from his voice. "Remember who pummeled whom back then. You wouldn't want to have to call your mommy again, now would you?"

Whooves' eyes darted from side to side like a small animal before he finally shook his head "no". Satisfied, P. I. returned to getting me out of my cell. A moment later, I heard the click of the door unlocking. Trudging out of my cell, I winced as the cuffs were slapped back on me before P. I. led me out of the room, basically throwing me into one of the plush chairs when we got back to the lobby. Midnight was sleeping like a baby in the chair beside me, his cap over his eyes, and a string of drool hanging from his mouth.

"Midnight!" barked P. I., making his partner snap awake. Midnight's drool fell to the ground as he wrenched his head back, joining the rest of the saliva that had fallen out of his mouth in a little puddle on the floor.

He blinked a few times, and wiped his lips with a hoof before speaking. "Hey P. I., what's up?"

"I just need you to guard Mr. Clop here for a bit while I go get the other dumbass out of his cell," he said, turning back to the door. The more brazen part of my mind wanted to correct my captor, but I luckily shot that idea down before it made its way out of me.

As prompted, Midnight switched back to "watching" mode, his eyes eerily staring at me. I recalled a movie I watched that took place in Trottingham, where the cops always stood stock still until someone broke the law. Curious, I waved a hoof in front of his face.

He sighed and dropped his gaze. "That's only in movies, y'know," he said jadedly. I guess I should've expected that.

The door opened again, and Doctor Whooves entered the room first as he was shoved through by P. I. Whooves stumbled around a bit, but managed to regain his balance despite the cuffs he was wearing. P. I. motioned for me to come over, a bored look on his face. I stood in front of him as he reluctantly unlocked my cuffs again, followed by Whooves'.

P. I. sighed. "Well, you scumbags are free to run again. Midnight and I will be coming over to your shop soon though, Sly, so don't miss us."

"Yeah, yeah," I said, gingerly feeling my hooves again.

The Doctor glanced over at my hooves, and an inquisitive look appeared on his face. "Y'know, P. I., you didn't have to put cuffs on us again. I had them on for all of what, twenty seconds?"

P. I. had turned away from us now and was walking over to the desk, but we could still see a bit of a blush appear on his cheeks as he stopped dead in his tracks. "I-I knew that! I just wanted to see you suffer some more, that's all!"

Whooves decided not to prod any further, happy he had gotten the last laugh. I nodded my head towards the door, and together, we walked out of the police station, ending this humiliating chapter of our lives.

The cool morning air felt brisk on my face, though maybe a little too much so, as I shivered a bit when a breeze flew by. Today was September 1st, and fall was definitely on its way. To my left, Whooves sighed, and began to trudge down the steps, probably back to his apartment to begin packing up. An idea struck me as my old buddy reached the bottom.

I put on a warm, friendly smile. "Hey Whooves, why don't you stay at my place today?"

He turned back to me, a small smile beginning to form. He sighed with contentment. "Sure. That sounds nice."

I walked down the steps and began the half-hour walk back to the shop, Whooves walking beside me, resting his head on my shoulder. What he's going through right now must be a huge burden on him. I turned my head and saw a single tear fall from his eye. Poor guy.

Right before we turned the corner onto Mane Street, I looked back at the police station and saw P. I. looking at us from the window. I squinted, and saw him mouth a single, drawn-out word.

"Gaaaaaaaaaaay."

Author's Note

Well, uh, I bet you guys didn't expect this. And after I finished Chapter 8, neither did I. The whole idea for this chapter came from me wanting not to just do the same clichéd thing, which at this point is one of two things: 1. Sly and Lyra live happily ever after, though not before another, more intimate, kiss scene or 2. Suddenly, a wild love interest appeared! Sly comments that she's hot, or something, Lyra gets mad, they grow more distant, but after a few more chapters, they make up again and everyone's happy, woot.

While I was thinking one night of what I could do instead of one of those two options, I came up with the idea that it'd be funny if Sly got arrested for shouting so much at such a late hour, and that idea amused me so much that I just ran with it. I also always knew that I wanted to reintroduce Doctor Whooves in this chapter, and going to jail was a good way to do this (man, that sounds strange). As for Pure Intentions and Midnight Watch, they're basically the two cops in Superbad, which I watched not too long before I started writing this. I didn't like the movie too much, but I did like the two cops, though I think I underrepresented Bill Hader's character. What can I say, I like Seth Rogen more.

Overall, I like what I've done with this chapter, even though it doesn't really advance the romance. Don't worry, there is a method to my madness, and I originally planned on this only being half the chapter, but I wanted to give more screen time to the two cops, and to further reinforce the fact that Sly's life wasn't all suddenly right. Don't worry, next chapter, we'll see Lyra again.

I was only two days late on the deadline I set for myself, but still, I wish that it didn't take so long to get this chapter out. Even with the rewrite of 1, it shouldn't have taken more than a month. It's here now, at least. And even though this was only going to be half of the chapter originally, it's still the longest one, even without my longass author's notes.

If you haven't seen my note on my blog to Chapter 1 Rewritten, you should probably check it out. It has fanart!

See you guys next chapter.

Chapter 10

The sun was still lazing its way over the horizon when Doctor Whooves and I got back to the shop after a rough half-hour of walking. I hadn't gotten much sleep, and if it wasn't for Whooves' head against my shoulder silently urging me along the whole way, I might've collapsed in the middle of the road again. So, as soon as we got back to the shop, after a quick stop in the bathroom, I was face-down on my mattress, sleeping like a newborn. I didn't even discuss house rules with Whooves; my brain had been running on empty at that point. I just had to hope that whatever he did in my mind's absence wasn't too catastrophic. Whooves isn't usually one to mess things up and be a douche, but if I've learned anything from stories of any kind, if you get a new roommate, that roommate will always do something to cause a fiasco. But really, it isn't like I don't know him — I employed him, for Celestia's sake! He knows this place inside and out; he couldn't do anything that bad, right? Besides, he only had about six hours or so before I was up again. He couldn't do anything that bad in that amount of time, right?

————————————————————————

I slowly opened my eyes, finally feeling refreshed after the rough night I'd had. I sat up in bed and blinked a few times, trying to clear my mind and get ready for the day ahead. As I did so, I lazily looked around the room, until my eyes happened to wander to my mini-fridge. At that, my eyes popped wide open, my roommate fears now at the forefront of my mind. What's the first thing a new roommate does? He becomes a voracious beast, his stomach doubling thrice over, his hooves now fitted with a set of razor sharp claws that will tear into any beer can tab, saran-wrapped sandwich, or raw Pop Tart. After what seems like mere seconds, the innocent fridge has been gutted from the inside, with even that putrid green mold at the back now part of a bygone era. And soon after, the full scale of the damage the Roommatus douchebagus has caused will be revealed, as the owner of said fridge realizes he also needs food to survive, and thus soon finds his wallet similarly empty.

After constructing that horrifying tale in my mind (which would probably make a pretty good picture book), I bolted straight out of bed and ripped the fridge door open, the hinges shrieking as the door hit the back of its swing. But luckily, my fears had been unfounded; by the looks of things, it seemed the Doctor only had a light breakfast. Still, there wasn't much left in there: three beer cans, half a loaf of bread, some bulk packaged dandelions, and what looked like the remainder of that curry I got three weeks ago. Ignoring that mess, I quickly cobbled together my breakfast of a dandelion sandwich with a beer on the side. I sighed; bachelor chow was tolerable while I was alone, but it was completely inexcusable with a house guest. I glanced at the clock to see if I could make a quick run to the convenience store, and I was shocked when I saw that it was almost time to open my own store. Not wanting to be late, I quickly scarfed down my sandwich and chugged my beer can, which turned out to be a terrible idea. Holding my head with one hoof, I began my walk down the stairs, feeling like a foal who'd just had way too much ice cream.

Just before I reached the bottom of the stairs, though, I heard a strange sound. I stopped a few steps short of the bottom, still unable to see much into the room, and turned my head to one side, attempting to pick it up again. I furrowed my brow as I heard the noise again. Is that... moaning? And that strange slapping sound... what is that? Hell, it kinda sounds like one of the porn fli—

I gagged, instinctively backing away from the disgusting noises. "Ugh, Whooves!" I yelled as I covered my eyes. Luckily, I hadn't seen anything... yet.

The slapping noise almost immediately stopped, and a loud crash came from the direction of the counter, followed by a click as the moaning ceased. The voice of an ashamed Doctor Whooves followed. "Uh, you didn't hear anything, Sly! That was the sound of, uh, your refrigerator running! You better go catch it! Ha ha, ha..."

I shook my head as his awkward laughter trailed off. I put a condescending vibe on my reply as I completed my descent. "Don't do that when I'm around, Whooves... I hope that DVD wasn't for sale..."

"What do you mean, DVD? There was no DVD! But uh, if there was, it certainly wasn't on sale," said Whooves, a blush across his face. The chair lay on its side beside him, probably a victim of his race to shut off the "material". His back legs were bent awkwardly, successfully hiding his offending body part. "If anything, it would be one of the movies in our collection." he continued.

I shook my head, disappointed, and sighed. "You mean the store's collection, Whooves. You aren't an employee here anymore. Now, I was willing to give you the all rights Lyra and I have, but I'm not sure if I should, anymore."

Whooves latched onto the first tangent that could get him out of this conversation. "Lyra? Is that the new employee?"

I groaned. "Yes, yes, she's great, now—"

"Oh yeah, that's right, you hired a mare!" interrupted Whooves, still trying desperately to get off the previous topic. "I saw her behind the counter when I swung by; she sure has a smoking hot bod, eh? And you're the lucky stallion she's working for, am I right? So, how is she?"

A blush formed on my cheeks. Well, yeah, she certainly is a pretty nice looking mare; with those legs, and that — I vigorously shook my head, trying to get those thoughts out of my mind. They were pretty awesome thoughts at other times, but I had to get back on topic here! I quickly opened my mouth, ready to blurt out a brief description, when I heard a light rapping on the shop's door. I turned, and saw Lyra's slightly annoyed face at the door. "Well, you can ask her yourself," I said to Whooves angrily, my temper getting the better of me.

I strutted over to the counter and opened the drawer, maneuvering my body so I could be as far away from Whooves as possible. I didn't really feel like talking to Whooves anymore, and with my position, it made me less likely to see any parts of him I didn't want to. And then, as I did every morning, I grabbed the key in my mouth and walked over to the door, though this time, my marefriend stood behind it, prompting me to work a little bit faster at opening it than usual.

The door opened with a click, and Lyra trotted in, the scowl that had been on her face now replaced by a smile. "Hey Sly!" she chirped. She noticed Whooves standing behind the counter and her eyebrow went up. "Who's this?"

I sighed. Having Whooves back was...well, not really nice at the moment, but everyone's a dumbass sometimes. With someone else in the shop, though, Lyra and I would have to go somewhere else to... further our relationship. That's kind of shallow, but as I looked over her face, I couldn't think of anything but the opportunities we'd just lost.

I then realized that I had been staring into space for a few moments after my sigh, Lyra still patiently waiting for my answer. I cleared my head, and my throat along with it. "Lyra, I'm pleased to introduce Doctor Whooves, who was my employee before you. He's fallen on some hard times as of late, and I've offered to let him to stay with me upstairs until he can find somewhere else to live. At the moment, his only option is his mom's basement, and that's not much of an option. I hope we'll all be able to get along."

Lyra looked back and forth between Whooves and me, her eyes softening in sympathy as she turned back to Whooves. "Aw, you poor guy," she said with a comforting smile on her face. "Well, any friend of Sly's is a friend of mine. Welcome back to the store!"

Whooves smiled warmly, trying to start off on the right hoof. "Well, thank you for your hospitality, and sorry this is such short notice. Sly only just decided it right after we got out of jail—"

The Doctor's eyes widened, and he clamped a hoof over his mouth, vainly trying to silence what had already been said. I couldn't resist the urge to facehoof, closing my eyes as I did so. When I opened them again only a moment later, Lyra's sympathetic expression had been replaced by one of absolute terror, her pupils small and beady in saucer-sized eyes. She turned her head towards me like a sputtering wind-up toy, her jagged movements freaking me out a little. She hyperventilated for a moment before finally finding her voice.

"J-j-j-jail!" she stammered out. "Sly, what did you do last night? I thought you just went home after we said goodnight..."

A tear rolled down Lyra's cheek. "No, no, Lyra!" I said frantically as I waved my hooves in front of my face, thinking that that'd somehow make this sound more truthful. "I didn't do anything wrong!"

Water had begun to well up in Lyra's eyes, but she refused to let any more tears flow. Wiping her eyes with a hoof, she began again, her voice giving away that she was one bad thought away from bawling her eyes out. "But then why were you in jail, Sly? Only bad ponies are supposed to go to jail...I thought you promised to stop being one after we started going out. You got me flowers every day, you made sure not to drink so much as to get hammered, and I've noticed that you've even stopped smoking...was that all a lie? Are you really just like any other pony who owns a store on this blasted street? Ruthless and uncaring...I bet you were in a back alley with some other mare, snogging like there's no tomorrow. Or maybe you were just making sure your other friends were banned from a certain coffee shop? I thought our relationship meant something, Sly!"

I backed away from Lyra, each one of her words, sad or accusatory, stinging like a thousand hornets. I wanted to get a word in, but I found myself unable to; her accusations had rocked me to the core. I only snapped out of my paralysis when I heard an insistent rapping on the front door.

Turning my head towards the sound, I raised my eyebrows at the pony who was standing behind the door, and I could only imagine Lyra did the same. I shook my head as I wandered over to the shop entrance. It surprised me that even she was interested in my wares. Brushing Lyra's words aside for a moment, I opened the door.

A blast of confetti sprayed into my face, partly obscuring my vision of the pink party pony that I assumed it had come from. A basket full of envelopes was strapped to her head, and her normal smile had been replaced by an even wider grin. She cleared her throat, and began to sing:

Iiiiiiiiiii hope you're doing well, Sly Clop
But wait, is that a frown?
Well, I've got something that will turn it upside down!
You see, a little bird flew by me and told me you'd been in jail!
Oh, that really made my happy mood derail!
But then I had a great idea, it will be lots of fun!
Remember, every day's a new day with the rising of the sun!
Your serving time is over, I know that much is true!
So my Pinkie Sense is telling me that you shouldn't be blue!
It is time for a party, it will be for the ages!
And when this party's over, then you will be all the rages!
It's a "Sly Got Out Of Jail" party, and everypony'll come!
So turn around that smile, cause it's no time to be glum!
The party's on tonight, and it'll start at six o'clock!
It is at Sugarcube Corner, which is just around the block!
I know you'll have an awesome time, and I do think you should go!
So please tell me your answer, Sly, and I hope it isn't no!

Pinkie Pie sank to the ground panting as she finished the song. Pinkie Pie has almost boundless energy, but she'd been dancing circles around me the entire time, and I guess that made even her tired. As for the answer she'd asked from me, I found myself physically unable to give one. It isn't everyday that someone sings you a song.

Pinkie was now sprawled out across the cobblestones, trying to catch her breath."So...what's your...answer?"

I shook my head clear of errant thoughts, putting the question of whether I'd really be all the "rages" on the back burner. Improper use of grammar or not, Pinkie Pie deserved a legitimate answer. Unsure of what it should be, though, I turned back to Lyra to see what she thought of it. Unfortunately, she wasn't much help, as she was still in that state that I imagine I had been in only a moment ago: eyes wide, mouth slightly open in surprise, trying in vain to process the sudden, jarring and mood-changing situation the pony standing before us had brought. Doctor Whooves wasn't much help either; his expression made Lyra and him almost look like twins, if it weren't for the everything else.

I turned back to Pinkie Pie, who had now caught her breath and was looking up at me. Her eyes were like a puppy's, innocent and round and unblinking. She had also curled her mouth into a slight pout, completing the look that everyone knows nopony can resist.

I sighed. "Sure, sure, I'll come..."

With an audible pop, Pinkie's expression changed back to normal, her smile now having rightfully reappeared. She shot up to a standing position like a rocket.

"Okie dokie lokie! Lyra, Doctor Whooves — you guys are coming too, right?" she said gleefully to the two ponies behind me.

I glanced backward, and I was not surprised when I saw Lyra and Doctor Whooves silently nod, a blank expression still on their faces. You really couldn't say no to Pinkie Pie, especially in the shocked state she'd just put us all in.

The pink party pony then turned and began merrily hopping back down the street in the direction of Sugarcube Corner. "Remember, six o'clock!" she called back to us before going around the corner and disappearing from view.

I blinked a few times, wondering what had just happened. After a few moments of deliberation, though, I sighed. There was no use trying to figure out Pinkie Pie. I walked back into the shop, closing the door behind me.

I turned to face my employees, former and hopefully-not-soon-to-be-former. They had gathered themselves a little more now, but both still had a faraway look in their eyes. I rubbed the back of my head with a hoof, not really knowing what to say.

"Uh..." I said uncertainly, "I guess we'll be closing early tonight?" Normally, I wouldn't have phrased that as a question, since I control the store's hours and all, but I was still trying to convince myself that tonight there was going to be a party celebrating the fact that I got out of jail, which I was only in for about five hours in the first place. Pinkie Pie was probably just looking for an excuse to have another one of her trademark parties, and I maybe should be a little insulted that my jail time was the perfect one.

Now that I thought about it, I wondered how Pinkie Pie knew that I had been in jail for something that wasn't such a big deal, because she probably wouldn't be throwing a party if I got out of jail after driving a carriage drunk, or something. How accurate was that "little bird" she had sung about? Was it one of those "Pinkie Sense" things Twilight had mentioned something about, or did she actually have inside info? Would she tell everypony why I was in jail in the first place? That would be embarrassing...I mean, everypony's probably driven drunk at some point in their lives, but not everypony has gotten so ecstatic at being kissed that they just shouted random things into the sky. You'd think I was in a drama production, or something. But at the time, it just felt so right to yell Lyra's name to the heavens. Speaking of Lyra, I wondered if she was on the same tangent as I was—

"Sly," Lyra said clearly, interrupting my train of thought. Her expression, straight-faced with confident eyes, looked like it was ready to handle anything. "Tell me. Why were you in jail?"

I sighed. Forget random strangers, Lyra hearing this was the height of embarrassment. I couldn't just refuse to tell her, though, or else she'd think I really had done all those horrible things she said about me.

I cleared my throat and raised my head to look deep into her eyes. I spoke with conviction. "You're beautiful."

Lyra took a step back, not expecting that at all. A small blush crept onto her cheeks. That was a good opening line, but now I had to construct a follow-up statement. I began to twiddle my hooves around, trying to figure out the best one, but nothing was immediately coming to mind. I probably should've thought that one through more, but I'd gotten myself into this mess, and now I had to get out of it. Letting Lyra speak for me wouldn't help at all here; if I let her, Lyra would probably ask if what I'm trying to say is that I love her, but that I made a "mistake" last night. And that really was not what I wanted her to think at all. Just then, though, I realized the blush on Lyra's cheeks was fading, and my time was up. I only had moments to get something out before she accused me again.

Hastily, I began again. "I love you, and what happened last night was entirely your fault."

Lyra reeled back, shocked at what I'd said. A moment too late, I realized that wasn't what I wanted to say at all. I facehoofed, sighing before lowering my head. "Okay, I'll try that again. You're beautiful, Lyra. And amazing for going out with me when so many other mares have turned me away. I haven't had a marefriend for six years now, and my last one broke up with me for exactly the same reason that each and every one before her did: they discovered that I owned and lived in a porn shop. After that last incident, I kind of gave up on ever finding someone, just like my pops did. And then when he died soon after that breakup, on top of me not having any hope of finding love again, I didn't have any time to do so anyways, what with the responsibilities of running the shop transferring over to me, and all. In those dark times, I thought the only place I'd ever be with another mare again was in the back room at the Knife and Apple. Things got a little bit better with each passing year, what with time healing all wounds and all that, but until just this month, I could never dream of asking a mare out again."

Confidence was coming back to me with every word I spoke. Proudly, I raised my head, looking Lyra in the eye again as I continued. "But then, along came Lyra. As soon as you spoke that simple request for employment, I was astounded that you wanted to associate and even work with me, even after that stupid joke I'd just said. I only said that line in the first place because I thought you were a customer, or at least were going to be one until you caught me screaming my head off at the TV, and I might as well make the best of the situation. But your tenacity allowed me to get to know you better, and I'm sure glad it did. Y'know, it's nice starting a relationship off with both parties having full knowledge of my workplace. Much nicer than the nervous shuffling after the eventual 'where do you work?' question, and the fear that one day I might accidentally let something slip out.

"But, I'm getting off-topic. Lyra, I went to jail because of my love for you. I think it was wrong I went there in the first place. But the truth still remains that after you kissed me and I was left standing breathless in the middle of the street, I began yelling...'obscenities' into the sky, not able to contain myself at the joy I was feeling from receiving a loving kiss after I had gone without one for so long. It was simply too much for me to handle. In fact, after I shouted about four or five swear words at the top of my lungs, I promptly fainted. I woke up a couple of hours later to find six pairs of handcuffs on my front and back legs combined, all applied by a pair of idiot cops who thought abusing some random lovebird on the street was the height of comedy. I was being charged with disturbing the peace, and they were going to take me to jail, but not before hitting me over the side of my head with a nightstick. I could go into more detail, but I think you only have to look at the wounds they inflicted on me to confirm my story."

I presented one of my front legs to Lyra, and after a moment of squinting at it, her eyes widened, and she gasped. As I had hoped, the rings of tender flesh under my coat had not disappeared overnight. I then directed Lyra's attention to my face, showing her the bruise just below my left ear where Midnight had bludgeoned me with the baton. To get a better look at it, Lyra leaned in close to my face, inadvertently putting her muzzle only a few inches away from mine. After a few seconds of this uncomfortable proximity, Lyra, who had apparently been holding her breath the entire time, exhaled onto my cheek, prompting me to flinch a little bit. With a quick glance away from my wound, Lyra suddenly realized how much she was invading my personal bubble, and she quickly jumped back, a hint of a blush now apparent on her cheeks. She gave me an awkward smile and began twiddling her hooves around, which reminded me of myself right after a mare dropped that dreaded "work" question on me, but before I answered. Usually, after I answered, I'd just look disappointed in myself, but unlike me in the past, Lyra's expression changed into one of a pony with a guilty conscience, as her eyes quickly became fixed on the space of air up and to the right of her. A nervous little smile formed at the corner of her mouth.

Lyra put one hoof behind her head, nervously scratching her mane. "Um...I guess I owe you an apology, Sly. For all those nasty things I said before Pinkie came in. Y'gotta believe me, it was just I was so shocked that somepony I knew nothing about was going to stay with us—I mean, you—ugh."

Lyra facehoofed, but I just smiled, happy to see that Lyra was now thinking of her and me as an "us". Lyra shook her head, disappointed at her little slip-up, before continuing. "Well, I guess what I'm trying to say, Sly, is that I'm really sorry for those hurtful things I said back there, and I didn't mean any of it. Will you ever forgive me?"

I sighed happily, and gave Lyra a warm smile. "Already done."

Lyra smiled back. Tears began to form in her eyes, but she quickly brushed them away with a hoof. As she revealed her eyes again, I was once again stuck by their brilliance, how their golden hue shone on everything they touched, like the sun itself. Wordlessly, we decided that now was a good time to seal our feelings with a kiss, each of us closing our eyes and leaning our muzzles in, our lips meeting in the middle in a short, passionate embrace. All we needed was a setting sun for this to look like something right out of a movie.

As we came out of our kiss, I cracked one eye open, and saw a very awkward-looking Doctor Whooves trying desperately to look anywhere besides us, as he whistled tunelessly. Betraying his intentions, one eye darted towards Lyra and me, and a sigh escaped him when he saw that we were no longer kissing. Realizing that there was no reason to continue his awkward display (though he was overdoing it in the first place), his whistling slowly petered out, and his gaze slowly turned back to me. For a moment, he just stared at me nervously, and I imagine I was doing the same.

Gradually, he regained his ability to speak. "Uh...I guess it's Lyra's shift now, right?"

That finally broke the ice, and a torrent of sentences rushed out of Lyra's and my mouths, apologizing for our kiss and momentarily forgetting that he existed, and how that yes, it was Lyra's shift, and hey, look at the time, I must really be going now. I blurted that last sentence as I walked out of the front door, just trying to get away from any more awkward moments that might follow.

I started walking away from the store, inhaling to allow the hot and humid air to clean my sinuses as best as it could. My walking was not aimless, though. I still hadn't made my daily trip to the flower store, and I certainly wasn't planning to let anything wilt around Lyra today.

———————————————————————————-

After I returned from the florist, a bouquet of red roses grasped in my teeth (romantic, no?), the day went on as normally as it could have. I didn't really want to spend a second away from Lyra, but at the same time, I didn't want to leave the Doctor alone in my room for too long, for fear of a repeat of the episode earlier in the day. As a compromise, I spent the first part of the day behind the counter with Lyra, forcing myself to make small talk as Doctor Whooves wandered aimlessly around the store, nervously trying not to look at any particular DVD for too long, as if his mother was watching his every move. I would've loved to mash into Lyra's face again, but I didn't want a gagging Doctor on my hooves, on top of the fact that if a customer walked in while we were snogging, it'd be even more awkward than one of my shouting matches with the TV. Against my will, though, I sometimes found myself just gazing into Lyra's brilliant golden eyes, and her gazing back into mine. I had to snap myself out of it many times, and eventually, Lyra and I agreed that it was best for the store and for the sanity of my houseguest if I just went upstairs with him while Lyra waited out the remainder of her shift alone. We'd see plenty of each other at Pinkie Pie's party, anyways.

Once upstairs, some of the most boring hours of my life commenced, each of us trying to think of some activity to entertain ourselves with, and neither of us succeeding. We held many rounds of "'Whadayoo wanna do?' — 'Ahdunno, whadayoo wanna do?'" before we settled on opening my closet and seeing what relic of ages gone by we could dust off and have some fun with. After sifting through a bunch of my dad's old porno mags that I never bothered to throw out, we finally came across a copy of Monopoly that I remembered somepony gave me on my seventh birthday, but I never actually played it, since my dad said Monopoly was "for pussies", and as you can imagine, no colts or fillies my age wanted to hang out at my house. I pushed my troubled past to the back of my mind, though, as I finally took the saran wrap off, tossing a cloud of decades-old dust into the air. After a quick survey of the instructions, which we both agreed were way too complicated, and a choosing of playing pieces, we started the game.

The Doctor, happy that he finally had something to do, was actually enthusiastic as he rolled the two dice for the first time, and his excitement grew exponentially when he saw two sixes come up, which sprang his playing piece almost halfway across the board, giving him early control of the very intimidating Equestrian Lighting Corporation. After another nice roll of seven, which nailed him the expensive Manehattan Avenue, I got to roll the dice for the first time, though my first roll was much less enthusiastic than his, as while the Doctor was just relieved to find something to do, I was saddened that my time with Lyra would have to wait for another few hours. The dice reflected my overall mood, limping into a roll of a three and a one, which only got me an order from Canterlot to pay my taxes. Our first turns set the mood for the rest of our game, with the Doctor trouncing me at every ninety-degree turn, our pieces aimlessly circling the board. Luckily for me, though, right before the game turned into "how long can Sly's pitiful existence last before he succumbs to the might of the megalomaniac", an angelic voice chimed up from the shop.

"Guy-yyyyyys! It's six-o'clo-ooooock!" Lyra sing-songed to us.

"Finally!" I shouted back as I quickly rose to my hooves. As I did so, I inadvertently knocked the board over, spilling all of the Doctor's hard-earned hotels on him. His eyes widened in shock at seeing his great empire vanish within seconds, and I couldn't help but feel a hint of schadenfreude as he gasped.

The feeling quickly passed, though, when I saw him pout his lip and solemnly look down at his destroyed plastic empire, each building stained red in his mind not with paint, but with the blood of his fallen tenants. "Aww! I was just about to win!" he whined.

I suddenly felt like a dick for being happy that I destroyed my friend's dreams. No grown stallion should ever whine like a foal. Before I had a chance to apologize, though, Lyra came trotting up the stairs, her saddlebags at her side and her brow furrowed.

Her angelic voice once again graced my ears as she swiveled her head around, looking for the disaster. "Are you guys alright? I heard a crashing sound."

My expression brightened, the plight of my houseguest forgotten when I saw the shapely features of my love again. "No, no, everything's fine!" I said hurriedly. "Let's go! We don't wanna be late!"

As I got up, Lyra turned back towards the staircase, and I innocently pushed my head against her flank, urging her to go faster. She laughed. "Okay, okay, Sly, we're going! Geez, it's your party, it's not like it could start without you."

Those words were enough to tame me for a moment, my head rising off of her backside, which I then noticed really was quite shapely. I blushed, a warm feeling arising in places other than my face as I awkwardly and eagerly followed her down the stairs and out the door, locking it behind me as we continued our trot down the street.

After about a block though, I heard the shop's door open again, and I was hit by a pang of guilt when I realized that once again, I had forgotten the existence of my friend.

———————————————————————————

Due to the store's proximity to Sugarcube Corner, we arrived only a few minutes late. I didn't go to Sugarcube Corner very frequently, but once you see it, it's very hard to forget. It looks very much like the witch's house in that one old mare's tale, except instead of luring foals inside to eat them, the store's cheery owners, Mr. and Mrs. Cake, just entice foals into buying their treats so they can turn a profit. A much more noble endeavor, if I do say so myself, though I bet some of those new health food types think that's just as bad. The few times I have wandered into the store, though, it seems like that simple quest is always being thwarted by their employee/daughter/sister/friend/tenant Pinkie Pie, who when not making a mess of the kitchen, dumps entire bags of flour onto herself, just to bring a smile to the Cakes' two growing foals, Pound and Pumpkin Cake. I do have to admit though, the pink profit plague does bake some mean cupcakes, and that's probably the only reason why she's still employed here. Maybe her profits-to-loss ratio actually does tip in favour of the store in the end. As we walked up to the pink doorway, some of that delectable aroma wafted up into my nostrils, making me wonder why I don't swing by this place more often.

My mouth now salivating at the thought of all the pastries the party had in store for me, I butted in front of Lyra, my hoof reaching up to the door and quickly opening it. For a moment though, I was surprised to see, or rather not see, anything. Only an inky blackness greeted me from beyond the doorway, and I froze in place, wondering how I mistook a black hole for Sugarcube Corner. My questions were quickly answered when, with a click, light suddenly flooded the building, temporarily blinding me and making me back up right into Lyra, who almost fell right over. After I blinked a few times, though, I regained my sight, and saw many a pony who arrived here before us, their faces now fully illuminated. I recognized Rainbow Dash, Twilight, Rarity, Applejack and Fluttershy, who were all giving me friendly smiles, but everyone else in the crowd I didn't recognize at all, and it was clear that they didn't recognize me either, what with their nervous glances at me, some even wondering aloud whether they knew the guest of honour or not.

Among the crowd of ponies, I could see a few tables lined with many confectioneries, each one looking more delectable than the last. A banner was hung above everypony's heads, and I smiled nervously when I saw what it read: Happy Bailing from Jailing, Sly Clop! Before I had time to comprehend how many ponies I would have to explain that situation to over the night, my attention was called to the large white cake in the centre of the room when what could only barely be recognized as a pony burst out of it, her pink fur covered in frosting as it was. She looked like she could barely contain her happiness that her guest of honour had finally arrived.

With a smile that would put a jack-o-lantern to shame, she enthusiastically trilled a single word: "Surprise!"

I awkwardly smiled at her display, thinking of the last mare that jumped out of a cake for me. Doctor Whooves had gone really overboard for my birthday celebrations that year. Unlike the last mare, though, Pinkie Pie jumped a few feet in the air out of the large confectionery, doing a few backflips in the air before landing right in front of me, bits of icing now dotting my mane from her acrobatics.

Pinkie Pie giggled, and started speaking to me at a mile-a-minute. "Oh Sly, you're supposed to eat icing, not put it in your hair! Believe me, I've tried it before, and icing's not an effective shampoo. Now I wash my hair with shampoo that smells just like icing on cupcakes when they first come out of the oven, but it's not the same when you can't eat it while you're rinsing your hair out. Anyways, I'm really glad you came, because a 'Sly Got out of Jail' party is nothing without a Sly! Though really, it's nothing without you, as I don't think it'd really be the same with Sly Stone, or Sly Cooper, or Sylvester Stallione, who isn't really named Sly, it's just that everypony calls him that. Speaking of him, I hear his new movie is going to be—"

"Pinkie!"I yelled, louder than I intended to. Her motormouth had gotten more on my nerves than I thought, it seemed. I quickly tried to correct my mistake though, worried that the pony in front of me would burst into tears. "Uh, sorry. It's just that you were kinda going on—" I stopped myself before I said anything more, afraid that I'd make the situation even worse.

For the first time since I yelled, I dared a glance at Pinkie Pie's expression, and was surprised when I saw not a pony on the verge of crying, but one that looked frozen in time. Her mouth was in a little "o" shape on one side of her face, and her eyes were wide open. Perplexed, I waved a hoof in front of her face, wondering if I broke her. Luckily, though, my worst fears did not come true; she snapped back into her perpetual cheery smile after my hoof's second pass-over.

It seemed like she'd gotten my message. "Okie dokie lokie, I'll leave you alone, guest of honour!" she said cheerily before hopping away to mingle with other ponies. I sighed, happy that I hadn't made anypony cry.

"Hey, Sly!" yelled a familiar, raspy voice. I turned my head and saw Rainbow Dash approaching me, a confident smile on her face as her marefriend Fluttershy followed closely behind. In contrast to her date, Fluttershy looked very nervous, and well, shy, hiding behind her mane that draped in front of her face as usual, the black dye that had been there a couple of nights ago now absent from it. I became worried when I noticed that Fluttershy was also dragging her hooves a little bit, once again in stark contrast to Rainbow, who was practically strutting.

I brushed off those worries, though, thinking Fluttershy was just being a bit more apprehensive than normal. Putting a smile on my face, I greeted them both. "Hey, you two! What's up?"

"Ooh," said Rainbow Dash, her gaze now firmly to the left of me. "Looks like you brought your marefriend with you this time, eh?"

I turned my head, and saw that Lyra had come up right beside me, her little grin giving off a hint of smugness. Her eyelids were at half-mast, as well, making her look even more like the sexy beast she was. "He certainly did," said Lyra, putting on a husky tone, probably only in jest, but it was still making my heart beat a mile a minute. I could only respond to her with a sheepish grin, making me look even less worthy of the beautiful mare beside me.

It seemed Rainbow Dash had failed to pick up any of the undertones, though, as her oblivious grin had remained unchanged. After a few moments of silence, though, Rainbow became aware that she was the centre of attention again, making her puff her chest out and raise her head above the likes of us commoners.

"Well, I brought a date to this party, too. You've already met her, Sly, but still, allow me to introduce to you" — Rainbow Dash quickly sidestepped, revealing a nervous yellow pegasus, who just until a few moments ago had been hiding behind RD's posterior — "Fluttershy!"

At realizing her hiding place had been found out, Fluttershy made a noise not unlike that of a small rodent, hiding her head behind one hoof in a way that you couldn't not find positively adorable.

Not having been exposed to a grown pony exuding this level of cuteness before, Lyra's eyes widened with glee, her childlike smile taking her back to a more innocent time. "D'aww, isn't da liddle thing da cutest?"

Since that's never really something a full grown mare ever wants to hear, it was understandable when Fluttershy sank even further into herself, curling up in a ball on the floor and occasionally twitching. She didn't even really look cute any more, only absolutely pitiful.

I groaned. "Lyra, Fluttershy may be the pinnacle of precious, but nopony wants to be treated like a lapdog. That's just degrading."

Lyra's expression slowly fell as I spoke, finally settling on an annoyed scowl, her eyes filling with disappointment, maybe because she wouldn't soon get to innocently stroke the adorable pegasus' soft coat, or scratch behind her ears, or rub her belly, or something. Though really, I think only Rainbow Dash would ever have the opportunity to do any of those things, and it probably wouldn't be innocent. I then got snapped back to reality as Lyra let out a groan not unlike the one I'd emitted earlier.

"Yeah, I guess you're right..." Lyra said begrudgedly as she trotted over to the quivering yellow and pink ball. She tried to say hello to it, but the amalgamation of fur and feathers only responded with a startled "meep!" Lyra looked back at me, her face as straight as an arrow, her body language telling me that this was no time for jokes. I complied, and waved my hoof downwards in the air, telling her to lower the volume of her voice, and maybe she'd have better luck. Rolling her eyes, Lyra turned to Rainbow Dash, who this whole time had been looking worriedly at what had become of her marefriend. Dash gave a small nod to confirm with Lyra that this was probably the best option, and Lyra once again turned to the pegasus on the floor.

I could barely hear Lyra as she began talking to Fluttershy again. As she addressed the pegasus, Lyra's expression softened to that of a loving caregiver, one who sweetly took care of many things. Heh, not unlike Fluttershy herself. "Uh...hi, uh, Fluttershy. What's got you so worried? There's no reason to be scared. Sly's a great guy, he's not going to hurt you. And just ask any one of my friends, I'm one of the nicest ponies around. I wouldn't hurt a fly."

Cautiously, Fluttershy peeked one eye open, her gaze falling on Lyra's motherly eyes, and slowly, Fluttershy uncurled herself, a small smile even returning to her face.

Rainbow's worried expression turned into that of a caring lover, which at first sight looks much like one of a mother, since both share the same soft smile and round features, with not a hard edge to be found. The difference is in the eyes; a lover has an omnipresent gleam in them whenever they're around their partner, one that reassures, but at the same time, excites. A holdover from our animal past, this is, when we couldn't rely on speech to know if somepony was ready to get down, or not. Though really, I doubt anything this complicated was going through Rainbow's mind as she calmy sashayed up to Fluttershy and gave her a light kiss on the nose, eliciting an embarrassed, but happy, blush from the kissee.

I smiled at the two of them, happy that everything seemed to have gone well for the couple in the end. There certainly had been a fair share of doubt when FlutterDash's friends and I first heard of, or rather saw, the pairing. "Well, I'm happy it's worked out for you two, so far. I have to admit, when you flew away, Rainbow, carrying Fluttershy heroically in your arms, we all wondered whether you guys would really still be a couple in the morning. Your friends told me alcohol has never been kind to Fluttershy's memory, and that really spooked me. But really, we were all frightened that she'd forget all about kissing you."

Rainbow Dash puffed out her chest again, returning to the pose she'd held before Lyra had spooked Fluttershy. "Heh, you guys had nothing to worry about. They don't call me 'loyalty' for nothing, y'know. I stayed by Fluttershy's bedside the whole night, just waiting for her to wake up. I wasn't scared or anything, but I guess I was kinda relieved when Fluttershy woke up. I was pretty amazed that she still woke with the sun, despite her massive hangover. And then when she saw me standing by her side like the caring mare I am, all her memories came flooding back. It did take her some time to come to terms with all the things she'd done the night before, but the first thing she accepted was that she definitely did have the hots for me, and even though it had come out in such a strange way, she told me she couldn't be happier."

Rainbow Dash eagerly looked over to Fluttershy for confirmation. The pegasus' smile had steadily grown as Rainbow retold the story she'd probably already told many times before, but you could barely see it beyond Fluttershy's mane, which she was now hiding behind even more than before, her cheeks almost beet red. Nevertheless, she decided she wanted to be a part of this conversation, too, and she began to speak in an angelic, but quiet tone. "Oh yes, when the sun's golden rays first woke me from my slumber, I was dreadfully confused. At first, I had no memory of the night before, and no idea why I had such a throbbing headache. But then I turned my head, and saw Rainbow right by my side. She looked positively exhausted, and she had some of the worst bags under her eyes that I had ever seen." Fluttershy turned her head towards Rainbow, giving her a thankful smile.

"But, when all my memories came flooding back to me a moment later, I was so embarrassed. But, there was a single good thought: Rainbow had actually taken me home, and she'd stayed here all night, watching over me to make sure I was alright. I don't think I could've ever gotten up the courage to, um...confess to Rainbow if it wasn't for, uh..."

Fluttershy stalled, her shyness getting the better of her. Rainbow decided to take up the slack, a confident smirk now on her face. "If it wasn't for you being totally awesome and bringing the party to its knees with one of the best performances I've seen in my life!"

Under Rainbow's confident gaze, Fluttershy was now blushing even more than before, if you could believe it. She gave a little smile, though, and continued. "Uh, yeah, if it wasn't for...that. But even if it came out so suddenly, I guess I'm happy it did now. Waiting the whole night, not letting the call of your warm bed and home betray your intentions" — Fluttershy leaned into Rainbow Dash, her hoof nuzzling Dash's chin — "if that's not love, then I don't know what is."

Fluttershy then leaned forward and closed her eyes, prompting Rainbow to do the same. Their lips met softly, and they began a slow, gentle kiss. After a few seconds, neither of them showed any signs of stopping, and they slowly began to walk away from Lyra and me, probably to someplace more private, and leaving me with a warm, fuzzy feeling inside.

I then saw something moving out of the corner of my eye, and I quickly turned my head and saw that it was Rarity, waving for us to come join her and the rest of the gang in a toast. I nodded, gladly accepting the offer, and Lyra and I slowly began trotting towards the group.

We hadn't taken more than a few steps, though, when I felt someone tapping a hoof on my shoulder. Turning my head, I came face-to-face with a disappointed Doctor Whooves. His eyes listlessly blinked at me, and he sighed. "Really, guys? I'm that much of a third wheel?"

It was now our turn to feel awkward, and Lyra and I responded to his rhetorical question with a nervous giggle. Our eyes darted around the room as we tried to think whether or not it was appropriate to apologize, but eventually, our gazes fell on each other.

Some ponies say you truly can call someone your partner when you can hold entire conversations with each other without either of you uttering a word. If this is true, Lyra and I certainly were partners now.

This really isn't working out, this whole arrangement between the three of us, now is it? I "said".

My marefriend responded in the affirmative. You've got that right.

It'd be a dick move to kick him out, right?

Uh, yeah!

...Probably should've figured that out for myself.

On that note, I decided it was probably right to apologize to Whooves, Lyra quickly following suit. All three of us then began trotting over to Rarity and the others, who had politely postponed their toast until we'd arrived. As we made our way over to them, I wondered how I could even think of throwing my friend out onto the street. Whooves is being a bit of an inconvenience now, but that's no reason to throw someone out with last week's trash! I'm not that cold-hearted!

As we reached the group, Lyra and I had to squeeze in a little bit so that the circle could fit us, making Lyra's tail brush against me in some...delicate places. I blushed and quickly looked towards Lyra, wondering if that was intentional or not. She had the same surprised expression as I did, but she kept me wondering when she gave me a playful wink, as if she'd been planning to do that all along.

...At least, I hope I'm not that cold-hearted.

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Author's Note

Well everyone, here's your triweekly chapter, now with infinitely more Lyra compared to Chapter 9 (Her name was said a whopping 0 times there!). I hope this chapter lived up to your expectations. I certainly had a great time writing it. It also ended up being the longest chapter yet again, at about 8500 words.

But, enough of random stats and chit-chat. Unfortunately, my pre-reader NorsePony has decided to move on to other things, and will not be editing for me anymore. He's really taught me a lot of things in his time here, and I couldn't have asked for a better pre-reader. I suggest we send him off with a hearty round of applause.

This also means that I now do not have a pre-reader at all. Who that will be is still up in the air. Someone's asked me already, but I'm not sure if they're really up to the task, and I might just go to the pre-reader group on this site and ask some people there. But, if you think you've got what it takes to pre-read Triple X, then feel free to PM me about it. I'd much prefer it if you provided me with a list of credentials in your PM, like stories you've written or edited. It'd really help me out a lot.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Chapter 11

"Oh, it must have been just dreadful there..."

"Well, we're so sorry for you—Pinkie, get out of that batter!"

"Mister, I thought only bad ponies went to jail. Are you a bad pony?"

"Ah just hope it wasn't too bad for ya in there, sonny. Ah remember one time back in the day..."

"Pfft, what's with that story? He really saw it? Ugh...hey, Romana, what was that one joke you had about that one pony..."

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I stood in a corner near the back of the room with a plate full of food, the party still going strong. Everypony was living it up, talking about their latest goings-on; even Lyra was still chatting away with the twins. But as for me, the esteemed guest of honour, I was just exhausted. Every single time somepony had approached me to talk, it was always jail this, and jail that. It was to be expected, with the topic literally over everypony's head, but one pony can only accept so much pity. I must've told that stupid story ten times. And unfortunately for me, the embarrassment didn't subside at all with each subsequent telling. I was biting my lip and looking off in random directions for almost the entirety of my conversations.

I'd decided that I'd had enough after my last one, so, I had loaded up my plate with goodies and walked over to the corner. I wasn't really even all that hungry; I just figured having a plate full of food and eating something every once in a while would make it look like I'm actually doing something. So far, though, that plan didn't seem to be working; I still felt many ponies casting glances my way, their eyes looking at me like I was a starving puppy with a broken leg. I hoped against hope that those glances meant, "Aww, look at Sly. He's had to talk about jail all night and he's tired of it. I'm going to go over there and cheer him up," but really, I knew it was just going to be more of the same.

As I scanned the crowd, my gaze fell on Doctor Whooves, who by chance happened to be walking right towards me. A few positive thoughts began to invade my otherwise negative attitude: the Doctor is a pretty big joker and he already knows all about last night, considering he was a part of it. Maybe he would say something to cheer me up.

"Hey Sly, what's up?" he began.

"Oh, I got bored of the party. Too many ponies were asking me stupid questions. I'm content to just sit here and munch on these divine cupcakes, though. Pinkie sure cooks a mean batch." I tossed a cupcake into my mouth, savouring its sweet icing, rich chocolate and—ugh, papery wrapper. I spit it out quickly, prompting Whooves to take a step backwards.

"Yeah, those things sure are, uh, amazing. Y'gonna pick that up?"

I looked down at the wad of wrapper that I had soiled the floor with, and saw that Pinkie's abnormally ambivalent alligator Gummy was now beside it. He blinked his eyes, one after the other.

"Nah, Gummy'll eat it," I said, though I was sure this was a preposterous notion. I just foalishly did not want to pick up that spitball.

The Doctor squinted at Gummy, who made no move to eat anything. Whooves shrugged. "Whatever you say, Sly. So, meet any interesting ponies?"

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, plenty. I'd rather not talk about it, though."

"Aw, why not?" whined Whooves. "I'm so fucking boooored!"

I groaned. "And I don't give a fuck."

"Oh fine, have it your way! You shouldn't swear, though, there are foals at this party." The hypocrite's eyes then wandered to my collection of confectioneries, which boasted several bite-sized chocolate-chip cookies, a few assorted gummies, and one delectable-looking cupcake, which I'd have to remind myself to take the wrapper off of.

Whooves licked his lips. "Say, Sly, can you spare me that cupcake?"

"Uh...well, those are kind of my favourite—"

"Ah, whatever, you've had enough already." With that, Whooves grabbed the cupcake off the plate and shoved it down his greedy throat. He did this so suddenly, it upset my plate's balance, causing the rest of my treats to cascade to the floor below. I gasped and glared at the Doctor, expecting an apology.

"Oh, sorry about that, Sly," said Whooves, talking with his mouth full. "But really, Gummy needs more nutrition than your spitball." (Gummy had showed no signs of even realizing the cascade had happened.) "Y'know, this is an amazing cupcake. Just the right mix of structure and fluff. And the icing's impeccable. Makes me want to gobble down like, five more." Whooves swallowed his cupcake, its deliciousness making him completely forget about the wrapper. "Ah, yep, that hit the spot. Mind fetching me those five cupcakes, Sly?"

I growled at him, but I got the cupcakes anyways, since they were within hoof's reach. I gave them to Whooves in a calm manner, but I had half a mind to just throw them. "Thanks!" he said. "Y'know, I've already had, like, ten cupcakes. Some old buds of mine and I were having a great time a bit earlier; I shoved half of those cupcakes in my mouth at once! Like this!" He opened his gaping maw and threw them all in. "Mmm!" he said with difficulty, gagging on the wrappers. He hastily spit them out, but unfortunately, my face was in the middle of their trajectory, and I soon found five slimy balls plastered onto my face.

I gave Whooves another throaty growl, but didn't reply beyond that. Oh, I could've said many things, but Whooves had been right when he said there were foals at this party.

The Doctor swallowed and cocked his head before gave me a quick once-over. "Something wrong?"

Gee, Whooves, thanks for noticing. You really showed some care and appreciation when you ruined all my food. What was with that, you couldn't resist a cupcake? And yes, I've been having a great time, just like you and all your buds, laughing it up and getting high on sugar. What are you, five years old? And thanks man, this conversation really cheered me up, it was just peachy. Why don't you go and get in somepony else's face, not to mention their relationship! Lyra and I were really hitting it off, but you just had to go and plop your big fat ass right in between us, and fuck it all up, didn't you? You should really just—Wait, why is everypony staring at me all of a sudden. Wait, don't tell me...I just said all of that out loud, didn't I? Well...fuck.

Yes, everypony in the entire room was now staring at me, shock across most of their faces, with malice dotting a few. Lyra had brought a hoof to her mouth in an attempt to hide her jaw, which had almost dropped to the floor. I looked back to the Doctor, and my mood went even further south when I saw tears forming at the corners of his eyes.

I tried to protest my actions, though I knew from the start that it was a worthless. "No, Whooves, I—you know I didn't mean any of that, really..."

Whooves was having none of it. As my sentence trailed off, he began just full-on bawling his eyes out. As you can imagine, I felt like a total douche. This guy was almost my age, and I made him cry like a five year old...as if my words had turned him into the kid I accused him of being. Agh, why am I so boneheaded?

I tried to reach out a comforting hoof to Whooves, to tell him I was sorry again, but he swatted it away. He galloped out of Sugarcube Corner, his tears almost forming a river behind him. Everypony's eyes were on him as he ran out, but as soon as he was out of our sight, they all turned to me. Most of them glared at me like I'd just killed the starving puppy with a broken leg. Even Lyra began to submit to the mob's mentality, her face beginning to look like one of a bull ready to charge.

I was certainly in the hot seat, and for once, I couldn't think of a single thing to say. Regardless, I tried my best. "I...I'm...I'm...sorry. I can't come up with anything better..."

With that, I exited the party out the same door Whooves did, the eyes of the masses still unwaveringly judging me and my wrongdoings.

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I ran. I didn't intend to go anywhere specific, I just wanted to get away from anypony who saw what I did. Pretty soon, I found myself in Ponyville's park, the same place where I'd waited for Lyra on our first date, only for that sonuvabitch Eros to lure her in with his trashy music. But really, I had no right to be calling someone else names right now. A guidance counselor would tell me that now was the time to reflect on my actions and resolve to be more sensitive, or at least keep my mouth shut.

I climbed up onto a bench, feeling its unforgiving wood beneath me. I sighed. What have I done? I just lost a friend, villainized myself in front of everyone I knew, and now Lyra sees me as the asshole I am. Why do I have to be so fucking unlucky?

I decided that now would be an opportune time to cry. It then fittingly began to rain, the clouds of the night thundering as they released a torrent of water down on me. With my luck, I'd be struck by a bolt of lightning.

I laid on that bench, getting drenched and wallowing in my sorrow for some time. Eventually, I heard hoofsteps behind me that steadily grew closer. I only began to pay attention, though, when the mare approaching nudged my mane out of my eyes with her chartreuse nose.

Lyra, to anyone else, looked terrible. She was sopping wet, the water from the rainstorm having matted down her fur. Her mane also hung down in front of her face, and was dripping with rainwater. Her smile graced my eyes, and sunshine began to return to my body, despite the still dismal mood of the weather.

The first words out of her mouth sounded very familiar. "Why the long face?"

I'm pretty sure that was unintentional, but nevertheless, it still brought me back to why I was lying here in the first place. I turned my head away, deeming myself not worthy of those angelic eyes. "Heh, you know damned well why."

Lyra sighed. "I guess I do. What I don't know, though, is what brought you to say all those things in the first place. Whooves can be a little obnoxious sometimes, but he's a great guy. I thought you two were supposed to be best friends."

I made no move to answer her; I still couldn't figure out why I said many of those things myself. Lyra assumed I was giving her the cold shoulder. "You don't have to give me an answer, Sly, but I would like one."

I groaned, and turned my head back to my questioner. "I don't know why I said any of those things, okay? I guess the party was getting to me, or something."

Lyra gave me a quizzical look. "The party? I thought Pinkie threw a wonderful party."

"She did, she did," I said dismissively. "It's not really her fault, she didn't know any better. Regardless, though, y'know that banner? The one hanging over our heads, announcing my release from jail? Yeah, imagine what the most popular topic was with me tonight. Obviously, none of the ponies I talked to knew why I'd gone to jail in the first place, so I had to tell that stupid story over and over again. And you know how embarrassed I was when I first told you.

"Now, imagine what it's like to have to tell that story ten more times, but without any of the feelings I relayed to you. It takes a lot shorter of a time, sure, and in some ways, it makes more sense to them, but it also makes me sound fucking crazy! At the end of each of my conversations, everypony came out worse than they had coming in, and with more questions than answers. I got more and more angry with each meeting, and began caring about the ponies I was talking to less and less.

"I grew tired of it in the end, and went over to that corner just to have a little peace and quiet, but the Doctor didn't take a hint, and came right over and told me all about how much fun he was having. How him and all his old buds were just having a gay old time. Imagine how I felt, Lyra. Now, that still doesn't really give me any justification for what I did, but at least you know the whole story. Oh, and he ate my food. Like, all of it. Just shoved the entire fucking thing down his gullet, or should I say gulley, that maw of his is so vast..."

I trailed off at the end of my speech, not really sure of what else I could say. I looked to Lyra to see what she thought of it all. Her face now wore a frown, but her eyes had more sympathy in them than any of the last frowns I'd seen.

"I can kinda see where you're coming from, Sly," she said as she motioned for me to scooch over. I complied, and she sat down in her strange posture, her eyes now staring straight up at the sky, despite the rainwater still falling from it. "And you're right, it still doesn't give you any reason to say all those things, but really, nothing would. I get that you were fed up, though. Everypony messes up sometimes. Heck, even I might've done something boneheaded like that. You just slipped up. It happens to the best of us."

I turned my head away from Lyra. "Psh, I'm far from 'the best of us'. I'm just some dirty lowlife living in a back alley. I bet that deep down, I wanted this to happen, it does so often. I'm just some perverted masochist who relishes in the thought of life cracking its proverbial whip at his soft flesh. When I die, the only companion I have will be that blasted whip."

Lyra lay a hoof on the back of my head. "C'mon, Sly, give yourself some credit. If you were such a self-hating and disgusting lecher, why would anypony ever like you, much less fall in love? And why would you allow yourself to do likewise? You know you've snagged a real catch with me, and you sure aren't letting me go. You know I'm the best thing that's ever happened to you."

The smugness Lyra put on in her last sentence was almost laughable. I turned back to her, and I was rewarded with her playfully booping my nose. "Hey, don't do that!" I protested, a laugh at the back of my throat.

"You shouldn't shoo me off, Sly," she said playfully. "I might run along to some other stallion. Maybe even Whooves." She put one hoof out, and the other on her heart, as if begging to somepony. She threw her voice as she pleaded, "Doctor, doctor, I'm lovesick, and the only cure is you!"

I finally gave in to her antics, a hearty laugh escaping my throat, and her readily joining in. A renewed sense of vigour began to flow through my body. I'm not sure what came over me, but I began to do a terrible impression of Doctor Whooves' voice. "Okay, Lyra, but the only cure available" — I jumped up and pushed my front hooves into Lyra, making her fall over onto the bench, me right on top of her, our muzzles only inches away — "is an oral one."

I closed my eyes and began to lean in for the kiss; Lyra had definitely gotten my confidence back. So much so that I was actually surprised when a hoof was brought to my lips.

Lyra giggled. "Uh-uh, not yet. You still have some apologizing to do."

I opened my eyes, and blinked them a few times. Sighing, I got off of her and the bench. "I guess I do. Now, where did that bloke run off too?"

As if on cue, I heard the fast cloppity-clop of somepony galloping towards me. Turning my head, I expected to see the Doctor, but instead, it was Lyra's friend Bon Bon. She galloped right up to the two of us, and quickly began to speak. "Lyra...you've got—you've got to come quick," she panted. "We haven't...haven't seen eye-to-eye recently, but I need—your help." She paused, trying to catch her breath. "I was just walking by, and, oh Celestia—somepony's about to jump off the cliff."

Lyra jumped off the bench, her eyes wide with alarm. "The one at the edge of town? Is it anypony we know?"

Bon Bon was now beginning to catch her breath, and her speaking came more freely. "Yes, that one, and I don't know him, no. I wish I'd come across somepony sooner, but every single one of them seems to have dashed inside at this little bout of" — a thunderclap boomed, accenting the already loud storm — "um, rain...but still, thank goddess I ran into you. You might just be able to coax that poor stallion out of it with your silver tongue."

An errant thought crossed my mind, one which I hoped wasn't true. "What did he look like? Was he brown, with a spiked mane and an hourglass for a cutie mark?"

Bon Bon was taken aback. Her eyes widened to the size of saucers. "Why, yes. How did you know?"

A terrible feeling washed over me, one that made me just want to curl up in a puddle and rock back and forth. I'd do a great fetus impression. I looked to Lyra, asking with my eyes whether this was a good plan or not, but she wasn't paying attention to me. She had narrowed her eyes, and was now pawing the ground, getting ready to dash off. Seeing her like that reminded me of Rainbow Dash when Fluttershy fainted, right before she rocketed up into the sky, clutching the frail pegasus in her arms.

Rainbow Dash hadn't abandoned her friends then. And neither would I.

Lyra galloped away, with me following her lead as best I could. Bon Bon tried to call after us, but I barely heard her. There were more important things on the line right now. We were out of the park and on a beeline for the cliff at the edge of town as fast as our hooves could take us.

At one time, the street the cliff was on had been a residential one, but after a baby carriage, and later a bus barrelled down it, the mayor had decided that it was too dangerous to live there and she'd had the street fenced off, trying to avert any daredevils or out-of-control vehicles from going down it again. But it seems like Whooves didn't follow any of the warning signs.

Lyra and I got there at a blazing speed, our urgent galloping fuelled by a rush of adrenaline. I squinted into the darkness past the fence, trying to see the cliff in the distance. At first, I couldn't see anything, but right on cue, a bolt of lightning ripped through the sky, lighting up the cliff, and scaring the pony that was standing on the precipice of it.

I gritted my teeth, and slammed my hooves against the fence. "Don't do it, Doctor!" I screamed.

He heard me, his head swiveling back towards Ponyville as a deafening thunderclap filled the air around us. His gaze quickly turned into a scowl. He began to shout something up at us, but over the rain and the thunder, we had trouble hearing it. Lyra had a rather direct solution to this: she concentrated her magic into a single point and used it like a laser, cutting a pony-sized hole through the fence and quickly sprinting through it without missing a beat. One part of me wanted to tell her that there already was a slightly smaller hole that Whooves had probably gone through, but most of me just wanted to gush to her how awesome that just was. But after a moment, I realized that just running after her was a better plan.

We barreled down the steep hillside, each of our speeds on the verge of being out of control. We were almost upon Whooves when his eyes grew wide and he began sputtering. "Don't—don't come any closer!" he screamed at us, causing us to stop dead in our tracks—or at least as best we could.

The Doctor gritted his teeth at us. "This is my decision!"

I took a step towards him. "Yeah, well it's a damned stupid one!"

Lyra backed me up. "There's so much more to life! You've got a roof to live under, friends—"

"What roof?! What friends?!" said the Doctor, malice dripping from his voice. "Sly kicked me out of his place back there; my mom's basement really doesn't even qualify! And some friends you guys are! You want me out of your lives pronto, just so you can snog behind the counter! You two should be happy that I've made this decision!"

"But we aren't!" I said, stamping a hoof for emphasis. "Why do you think that is?"

"Cause you two can't tell a carrot from a stick when one hits you square in the face!"

"No, of course not! I was an idiot back there; I know that. I unleashed all the hate I'd gathered up in myself during the party right at you, and that was wrong of me. I was just fed up that nopony was giving me a break, it was jail this, and jail that."

"At least ponies were talking to you! I didn't talk to anyone besides you and your mare the entire night! No one wants anything to do with me!"

I raised an eyebrow. "Didn't you say you were hamming it up with your old buds?"

The Doctor rolled his eyes. "We've known each other a long time now, Sly. You should know I have no 'old buds'. I was just playing with you back there; I was bored and wanted to get a rise out of you. I thought you'd just tell me to shoo, and we'd have a good laugh about it later about me having a mouth the size of the Grand Canyon."

"But no, you had to make me realize what a burden I was being on you, how I was the bane of your existence. Well, I've taken that to heart, Sly, and I think you'll be happy when you see me splattered all over the ground!"

The Doctor began to step over the cliff. I couldn't believe this was happening. My mind was blank; nothing was coming to me. Would this really be the end of Whooves?

He was about to lose control of himself when the voice of my marefriend shot out of the darkness. "What about love?!"

The Doctor stopped himself from tumbling over, his curiosity getting the better of him. "What about love?"

I looked over at Lyra, wondering what possessed her to shout something so random. It was hard to tell with the rain, but just by looking at her eyes, you could tell she was crying profusely. "Have you ever cradled someone in your arms? Looked over the masterpiece you created? Or realized the focus of your life? The love of somepony, the love of your own creation, the love of yourself—what's to live for but that?"

The Doctor squinted at Lyra. "I don't follow."

I took a guess at what Lyra was trying to say. "What she's saying is that you've never experienced any of those things. What life of yours do you have to take without those experiences?"

The Doctor gasped, hurt. "I've done plenty of things during my life!"

Lyra responded this time. "Yes, but how many of those things really mattered? How many of those things made ponies remember you more than just as 'that guy'? Life is a story, and each one, if put to paper, should be worth reading. You could be 'Doctor Whooves, Caring Husband', 'Doctor Whooves, Brilliant Creator', or maybe even 'Doctor Whooves, Lord of" — Lyra quickly glanced at Whooves' cutie mark — "Time'! Why do you want to live for none of those things? I know what I live for: my music!...And maybe something else..."

Lyra looked at me with a heartfelt glance, and I blushed. My turn to continue. "I won't say I live for porn, but I can agree with Lyra on the latter. I'm still kinda working on it and, y'know, finding my place. I haven't experienced any of those things Lyra said yet, either, but I sure am damn well looking forward to accomplishing one. And just think of what life could be — a dream, Whooves, a dream. I've lived through it when it was a hellhole, just like you're doing so now, but I didn't kill myself, I plodded on through till I found something better.

"And why did I do so? Because I knew there was more to life. Many ponies before, and many ponies who'll follow me will prove that. I didn't want to just leave; after all, my life couldn't get any worse. It could only get better from there. As Pinkie Pie said, every day's a new day with the rising of the sun. The same holds true for you, Doctor. Your life can only get better from here on out. Why quit now? Just think, what if you were a caring husband? What if you were a brilliant creator? What if you were a Time Lord? Don't those possibilities sound infinitely better than just being dead?"

Whooves sniffed. "But what if things don't get any better?"

I smiled at him. "I know they will, Whooves. I have a lot more experience with the world falling apart than I'd like to. My marefriend left me right when my pops died, leaving me with nothing except a stupid porn shop I suddenly had to run. Each night, I found myself wasting every bit I had on the Knife and Apple's whiskey. I was too much of a coward to try to kill myself any other way. And each day when I found I had woken up again, I took it as a curse, leading me back to the bar once the sun fell. My plan would probably have succeeded, in time.

"But the world forbid death from taking me. Hard Cider eventually realized what I was doing, and he tried to get me to lay off the drinks, but I was persistent and rowdy. It was somepony else that finally got me to put down the bottle. He didn't always say the right thing at the right time, and sometimes he could be just downright boneheaded, but he always knew how to get a good laugh out of me, how to tell a captivating joke. His situation wasn't even much better than mine, but he had taken everything in stride, and eventually, his attitude encouraged me to do the same."

I felt something on my cheek, and was surprised to find myself crying. "If it weren't for that pony, I wouldn't be alive...let alone talking to him."

I wiped my eyes with a hoof, and when my vision cleared, I saw Doctor Whooves the most pitiful I'd ever seen him. If my goal was to make him cry me a river, I had succeeded; the bloke was bawling his eyes out. He ran to me and we embraced, neither of us caring how sopping wet the other was.

We held each other until our eyes ran dry. I looked up, and saw the sky had done likewise; not a single drop was falling. We smiled at each other, Lyra coming over to give both of us a reassuring pat on the back.

"Come on guys, we've spent enough time in the mud," said Lyra in a motherly voice. "I think I hear DJ P0n-3 setting up her equipment. Wanna go back to the party?"

We nodded, and began walking up the hillside together. l had my arm around Whooves, ready to support him if he fell. What are friends for if not that?

—————————————————————————————

We got back to the party right on time, a turntable having just been set up along one wall. I apologized to the partygoers about my outburst, and luckily, my apology was accepted. The bass was then cranked up, and club music started blasting across the room. I made my way through the crowd of dancers to get to Lyra on the other side. She smiled as I came up to meet her, her fur and mane now mostly dry.

"Great party, eh?" I said.

Lyra motioned to her ear, telling me how she didn't hear a thing I'd just said. There were a few too many wubs at the moment. Nodding, I motioned to the front door, and we both decided to exit the party, though in very different moods than before.

We began to aimlessly walk around with only each other as entertainment, as lovers oftentimes do. We discussed many a thing, most of them pretty unimportant. I really just wanted to hear the sound of her voice, and I imagine we were only going on so long because she wanted to hear the sound of mine. When we happened to wander into the park again, a full moon had already risen. The night had turned beautiful, the once-hidden sky a rich indigo. The stars shined on us, many constellations lighting our way as we came across the park bench we'd sat on before. I was reminded of what I'd done on that bench just before Bon Bon had come running up to us, and I guess Lyra was as well, as she suddenly ceased our conversation.

We each gave the other a look, and ungracefully made our way towards the bench, initially sitting down as far away from each other as possible. We each knew what was on the other's mind, but neither of us could really say it.

After a few awkward moments, Lyra decided to end the silence. "Hi."

I gave her a strange look. "Uh...hi."

She turned towards me, and inched a bit closer. "We should probably start heading back soon..."

I scooched towards her. "We could probably stay out a little longer..."

We each looked all around us, seeing if there was anypony in sight, but we couldn't spot anypony except each other.

I decided to venture. "Do you want to—"

"Yeah."

And we kissed under that moonlight. Just straight up snogged. And it was fucking beautiful.

———————————————————

Author's Note

Go read the epilogue.

Epilogue

"And that's what I plan to do."

I shook my head, trying to clear it. I must've heard wrong. The things Whooves had said were too outrageous to really be serious suggestions. "I'm sorry, could you run that by me again?"

Whooves rolled his eyes. "C'mon, Sly, it's not that hard to understand!"

Whooves and I were in my room back at the Mareborough, both of us having just woken up after what had turned into a pretty awesome night. It would've been even better if I had just woken up with Lyra next to me, but hey, it hasn't even been two weeks yet, and a one-night stand this is not. We did do some serious kissing at the park, though. Just thinking about it got me all warm and fuzzy inside.

There might've only been one reason we didn't go "all the way" last night, actually: Whooves—though I'd gotten used to him messing stuff up by then. I realized that we had left the Doctor at the party, and he might be feeling pretty lonely. We reluctantly decided to head back, and were relieved when we saw the Doctor was having the time of his life on the dance floor. He made some moves that put many of the other partygoers to shame. Lyra and I just sat on the sidelines and watched him, but we were having a great time nonetheless. After the party ended (well past midnight, I might add), I parted ways with Lyra, and was ready to welcome Whooves into my abode for an extended stay. But, if I actually did hear correctly, it seemed that my hospitality wouldn't be needed.

The Doctor cleared his throat, snapping me out of last night's past and back to this morning's present. "Okay, I'll say it again: What you said to me last night really got me thinking. I always try to support every pony I meet with a warm smile and a good joke or two, so why can't I do the same for myself? I haven't really been listening to my calling in this world for a long time now; my special talent is controlling time, not pleasuring mares or anything stupid like that."

"I always had a knack for science when I was young, building potato-powered rockets and such. When I won the sixth grade science fair with my time-pausing device, I was ecstatic. It could only stop time for an eighth of a second, but it was a monumental breakthrough in science all the same. I spent the summer working hard on a device that could stop time for longer, and I brought it to school on the first day of class, the machine's output now doubled. Unfortunately, the school's electrical wiring was a little wonky, and it messed with the circuitry in my contraption, causing the entire thing to blow up in my face.

"Oh, how I was ridiculed for that. I tried to rebuild, at first, but the endless taunting from the other students convinced me to reform to the social norms. From then on out, I was just your average misfit; I could occasionally crack a good joke, but I was just a bit too socially inept to really have a group of friends I could stick with. I lamely trudged my way through the rest of my schooling like this, just getting by with great grades, but with nothing really to show for them. And then when my dad told me the family didn't have enough money to fund my tuition, my hopes of going to university were also dashed. In the end, I left home without much of a plan, not really wanting to live in the basement anymore. I rented an apartment and went from job to job, never really staying at one for all that long. One of the jobs I got was at the convenience store on this street, and that's why I found myself at the Knife and Apple in the first place. I met you there, and you know the rest."

"I've been ignoring my true calling ever since seventh grade, when my peers convinced me it was a stupid one. But if my calling is to master time, to be a 'Time Lord', as you suggested, must I not first master my own time? No offense to you, Sly, or the time I worked here, but I've been just been wasting my life for so long now. My youth has come and almost gone; I'm not middle-aged yet, but I'm certainly starting to feel it. Isn't it time I got my life back on track? And I think the best way to start is to accomplish the things I've always wanted to do, like visit the city, climb a mountain, and once again captivate an audience. And I sure as hell won't be doing any of those things here in our quaint little town. So, I'll be leaving. I'm going to go back to my apartment to grab whatever I can sling over my shoulder, and then me and my bindle will be off to Manehattan. It'll be an adventure, Sly, one which I've sorely lacked for all my life. Doesn't that just sound grand?"

I shook my head again, one half of my brain once again not believing what I'd just heard, but the other half was pretty positive that I couldn't mishear somepony's entire life story twice. "Well..." I began. "That sounds like an...interesting proposition. I must admit, Doctor, that's not what I'd do, but if you have your mind set on it, I think it sounds like a fine way to start over."

Whooves broke into a grin. "Thanks, Sly! Really, I've had a wonderful time in this little slice of heaven we call Ponyville, but if I am really going to be the Lord of Time, I have to start sooner rather than later. I'll miss you, buddy. I wish you and Lyra the best of luck."

Whooves turned his neck and stretched, a few cracks emanating from it. He trotted to the stairway before turning his head back to me. "Aren't you going to wish me the same, Sly?"

I blinked, some of me still not fully in belief that this was happening. "Uh, yeah, good luck."

The Doctor smiled, and began his descent. This really was a very sudden thing; I hadn't expected the speech at the cliff to have such an effect on him. All the good times I'd had with Whooves over the years flashed before my eyes, and I found myself reaching a hoof out to him. "Wait!" I shouted.

The sound of hoofsteps ceased. Whooves' voice rang out from the bottom of the stairs. "Yeah, Sly?"

I dashed down the steps, and gave the Doctor a big hug. His body tensed up, probably surprised at my reaction as much as I was. I sniffed. "Have a great time, Whooves. I sincerely wish you" — I sniffed again, trying hard to hold back tears — "the best of luck."

Whooves put a comforting arm around me. "Don't worry, Sly. I won't be gone forever. I'll promise to visit as much as I can."

I couldn't muster much more than another sniff. "Thanks, Whooves."

And with that, I let him go. Only the bell signalled his farewell as he walked out of the shop.

———————————————————————

Lyra came in at exactly 6:30, a smile on her face. I looked up from the counter, returning hers with one of my own.

Lyra swiveled her head, looking around the shop. "Hey Sly, what's up? Is Whooves upstairs?"

I sighed. "No, he left."

Lyra raised an eyebrow. "Left?"

"Yeah. Our speech at the cliff affected him more than I ever dreamed it would. He's gotten a whole new outlook on life, and he decided to go on a journey and attempt to become master of his own time on this world, before he tries to just become a master of time in general."

Lyra blinked, her eyes much wider than usual. "Uh...I guess that makes sense. Still pretty sudden, though."

Lyra began making her way towards the counter. I got up from the chair, making room for her. "Yeah, you're telling me. I was pretty shocked at his decision, but if he thinks he's doing the right thing, I can't stop him. This choice doesn't seem as idiotic as his last ones, at least."

Lyra sat down in the chair as I stepped aside. I had gotten used to her posture now, so it didn't unnerve me at all as she settled into it. She turned her head back towards me. "I'm not sure if his decisions could get any worse than the one he made last night. I'm still relieved that we were able to convince him he was wrong. And poor Bon Bon, seeing him right on the precipice and having such a hard time finding anypony to help. That must've been such a traumatic experience for her."

I nodded in agreement. "About her: I saw you two talking at the party after we got back. What were you guys talking about? Are you two like peas in a pod again?"

Lyra smiled. "I'm not sure if you could call us 'peas in a pod' yet, but we're at least on speaking terms. In fact, you and I both have been invited to have lunch with her this Wednesday. Just the three of us; a fresh start."

My expression soured as my thoughts turned to the last lunch we'd had with Bon Bon. But, if she wanted a fresh start, it was probably best to accept her offer. It wouldn't be good for her to keep on hating me. Maybe we could even be friends. "Hmm...um, sure. That sounds fine. Best to let bygones be bygones."

Lyra nodded. She opened her mouth to say something, but was cut off by a rapping at the door. We both looked to it, and I was once again surprised to see Pinkie Pie standing behind it. I shrugged and walked over to the door, wondering what brought her here again, and also why she felt the need to knock on a door that had an "open" sign on it.

I pushed the door aside, and was blasted by Pinkie's motormouth. "Oh, Sly, I just wanted to come over and say sorry for all the trouble I caused you last night at the party. I gave a lot of ponies the wrong impression of you. A few even thought you were a jailbreaking meanie-face, and were wondering why I was hosting a party for you at all. And then when Doctor Whooves ran out like that, I just felt terrible, and then somepony told me what happened after, and, and—"

Pinkie Pie slumped to the ground, quivering. "Will you ever forgive me?"

I smiled and patted Pinkie's head with a hoof. "Pinkie, you can't blame yourself for everything that happened. I should have been more careful with what was coming out of my mouth. You don't have to apologize for anything."

Pinkie Pie stopped her shaking and looked up. "Really?"

I nodded. "Really."

With a sproing, Pinkie Pie jumped up, not a single hint of sadness on her face anymore. "Well, it's good to get that off my chest. I woke up really late today, and with a huge hangover. I definitely drank waytoo much. But my headache quadrupled when I remembered how badly the party went for you, and I never apologized! I rushed here as fast as my little hooves could carry me. I'm happy it's all water under the bridge now, though. I think I'll go and make a stop at the convenience store; Chow told me he's got a hit with my name on it there. Though, I'm not sure how you can put my name on something so powdery; it'd be really hard to write on. But, who am I to doubt him, he always has it! And hey, that did get me more screentime! See ya later, Sly!"

And with that, Pinkie Pie hopped away, me still speechless from the absurdity of her rambling. I sighed and trotted back inside, turning to Lyra to see if she'd caught any of that crazy talk. Instead, I was pleasantly surprised to see her admiring my flower of choice for today. Its brilliant hue of blue was dazzling, and it made it look like a very attractive plant indeed.

Lyra saw that I had come back from my talk with Pinkie, and turned her head towards me. "Glad to see you still have your sanity. I'm curious, what flower is this?"

I walked over to the counter and looked at the flower, Lyra following my gaze. "It's a cornflower. Rose told me that it's sometimes called a 'Bachelor Button'."

Lyra gave me a strange look. "Why'd you get it, then? What, you breaking up with me?" she said jokingly.

I shook my head. "I wouldn't dream of doing so. No, I got it because Rose told me it symbolizes anticipation, and the name was just too good for me to pass up. Anticipation for what, you may ask. Why, anticipation of maybe not being a bachelor for much longer."

Lyra blushed. "Are you really already thinking about marriage?"

I took a step back, and shook my head vigorously. "No, no, that wasn't it at all! I was just trying to say that I was anticipating being together a lot longer with you, Lyra. No strings attached, if you wish them not to be."

Lyra gave me a sultry look. She put a hoof under my chin, and pulled me in closer. "That's cute, Sly. I'm looking forward to it, too. But why don't we just focus on the now at the moment?"

Lyra closed her eyes and puckered her lips, prompting me to do the same. We were an inch away from touching when I heard the ding of the bell behind me.

I jumped up, my face red hot. I quickly turned around, and was surprised to see Twilight Sparkle standing in the doorway. A blush was also playing across her cheeks. "Oh, uh, sorry! I'm not interrupting anything, are I?"

I sighed. "It's okay. What brings you here tonight, Ms. Sparkle?"

The blush on Twilight's face deepened, and she twiddled her hooves in nervousness. "Um, well, I was thinking it would be good to get some, uh, research material for, uh..."

Lyra giggled behind me. "It's fine, Twilight, whatever you want to call it." Lyra got up from the chair and made her way over to our new patron. "Now, why don't we see what would give you the most results?"

Twilight hastily nodded, and Lyra and her began walking down aisle number one. I could swear Lyra was swaying her hips with a bit more gusto than usual, and I felt my face grow even hotter. I looked away, not wanting other areas of my body catching up, my eyes falling on the flower I'd gotten Lyra. Ah well. I've waited this long, I can wait a little longer.

I found my thoughts drifting to the first time Lyra ever walked into the store, how I completely botched her first impression of me. The scene replayed through my mind:

"What'll it be, miss? Dawn of the Dick? Masturbator Salvation? James Bondage: Goldfinger? Give it to me."

"No, uh...sir. I'm looking for a...job."

I grinned, remembering it all fondly now. Lyra had certainly gotten her job. I snickered as a more immature part of my mind wondered if I'd soon be getting one of my own.

I certainly wouldn't want to blow my chance.

The End

Author's Note

I lied. It's in my latest blog post; too long otherwise. If you don't want to hear my thoughts on the ending, though, and acknowledgements, its not a very interesting read. Thanks for reading Triple X, and I hope you enjoyed it.

Chapter 6

"Hey," said Rainbow Dash. "Can we talk?"

"Sure," I said.

Rainbow Dash gave me a nervous smile as she approached the counter. I noticed that she had dark bags under her eyes, and her voice wavered as she spoke next. "Sly, I've been thinking it over and I..." Rainbow Dash sighed. "I don't think I can go to the Reunion with you."

I sighed back. I kind of expected this. Rainbow's relationship with her friends hadn't been the same since she arrived back in Ponyville. I could see why she was having second thoughts about going. The whole situation could very well be awkward for everypony.

"I get how you're feeling, Rainbow," I began. "But don't you think that it's time you got back in touch with your friends?"

"Well, yeah...I do miss them. But I've changed as a pony, Sly, and not for the better. Apart from my welcome back party and a few, um...encounters, it's been two years since I talked to any of them. What if they don't accept me?"

"Rainbow, come on. Of course they'll accept you. Hell, they'll welcome you back with open arms."

"That's another thing too, though. If they welcome me back in so readily, they're only doing it because they're all like, 'Oh, Rainbow's had such a hard time.' They'll pity me, and I don't want that. I don't know if I can do it, but I want to try and be the pony I was back before I left."

Rainbow blinked hard and sniffed, wetness starting to show around her eyes. "But they'll never look at me the way they used to." She tried to wipe her tears away with a hoof, but it was a bit of a futile effort.

I hadn't really seen Rainbow Dash this sad since she first showed up at the Knife and Apple. This Reunion was supposed to be a great opportunity for her, but she's turned it into a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation. And I'm partly to blame for accepting Hard Cider's invitation so quickly...well, hopefully I can fix this. I'm no stranger to being depressed.

I shook my head. "Rainbow, you can't look at it that way. This should be an awesome opportunity for you, a way to reintroduce yourself and become part of the team again. Don't turn it into a problem. You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain."

Rainbow choked up. "I wish I never joined the Wonderbolts in the first place..."

"Rainbow, don't say that. You had the time of your life in the Wonderbolts."

"Yeah, well life goes on, Sly. Tell me one thing that's better now than it was before I flew with them."

I opened my mouth to say something, but then closed it when nothing came to mind. Rainbow now has fewer friends, less money, and she's barely holding onto her job. I couldn't really relate to her experience; you can't feel the pain of losing everything if you never had anything to lose. But I couldn't just leave Rainbow like this.

Suddenly, an idea popped into my head. Kind of a shaky one, but it was the best I could think of.

"Yes, you're right, Rainbow Dash. Your life sucks right now. Every morning you go to your boring job that you hate, struggle to make ends meet, and you drown your sorrows in alcohol almost every night."

Rainbow stood there with a shocked expression on her face. I got up from my chair and slammed my hooves on the counter, standing on my hind legs.

"But," I continued, raising my voice. "This is your opportunity to fix everything. This is where your life takes a turn for the better again. This is your moment to shine and be awesome all over again. To prove to Applejack and the rest of your friends that you are Rainbow Dash. Are you with me?!"

I thrust out a hoof. Rainbow wiped the tears from her eyes, a grin reappearing on her face. Wow, it's working.

"Yes I am!" she shouted, striking her hoof against mine.

"So then stop worrying!" I roared back. "Look forward to this event with a gleam in your eye, and a fire in your heart! Take back what is rightfully yours, and live life to its fullest!"

"I will, Sly," said RD, saluting. The tears that had been streaming out of her eyes only moments before were now lying forgotten on her face, the fiery light from the setting sun refracting beautifully in them.

I threw out a hoof toward the crimson light filtering through the windows. "Now go back into the sunset, and look at it as a beginning rather than an end!" I continued. "For the night is when dreams are reborn!"

Rainbow Dash sniffed back the last of her tears. "You're right Sly, this is gonna be good. I'll see you outside the shop on the day of, okay?"

"I'll be there."

"Great," said RD, exiting the shop. "G'night, Sly!"

Even the bell sounded upbeat as it jingled behind her. I really hadn't expected that to work so well. I never thought I'd be a good motivational speaker, but I've been finding success with surprising regularity recently. Hopefully, the Reunion would only add to my winning streak.

The Wednesday of the Reunion approached fairly quickly. My relationship with Lyra proceeded steadily, and I got no more visits from a downtrodden Rainbow Dash. I even got Ponyville's only plumber to come in and finally fix my hot water. I never realized how much I missed showering in my own home. Though really, I'm just happy I don't have to go to the spa again. I'm not sure if I'm even allowed within fifty feet of the place now.

I stood outside the shop, feeling the mid-afternoon sun beat down on me. I couldn't believe it was still only the end of August. It felt like so much had happened since the month began. Good thing September's weather would dispel this heat. I'm more of a spring and fall guy.

"Hey Sly!" called out a familiar voice. I turned and saw Rainbow Dash flying towards me, wearing the same hopeful smile that she had been when she left the shop.

"Hey," I called back. "Ready for the party?"

"Hell yeah," said RD, landing beside me. "I am psyched. I really owe you one, Sly, you were right. Time to put this lame chapter of my life behind me and start fresh."

I smiled. This was more like the Rainbow Dash I used to hear about, the one whose excitement was infectious and whose soul was full of passion. Not the one whose sex life is scandalous and whose liver is full of alcohol.

I thrust a hoof forward. "Well, let's not waste any time then! To Sweet Apple Acres!"

"Hell yeah!" shouted RD, with a spray of enthusiastic saliva. I flinched away from the flying droplets, my eyes closing for a split second. When I opened them again, Rainbow was gone, a rainbow-coloured streak in her wake. I blinked in startlement, and she was back again.

"Okay, maybe we can waste a bit of time," I said as a blush crept onto Rainbow's face.

After a tiring walk, we arrived at Sweet Apple Acres. The party was going to take place right in front of the barn, and it was going to go well into the night. As Hard Cider had said, it was going to be a real hoedown.

As RD and I crested the final hill, the farm's entrance came into view, as well as a mare that could only be Applejack. I've only passed her on the street myself, and had bought a couple of apples from her once or twice, but Hard Cider has talked about her more often than he'd like to admit. She had a much more interesting life than him, really, and he retold her adventures a lot. She looked to be greeting ponies at the gate.

I heard something rustle to my left, and I turned my head. Rainbow was missing, and the bush just off the path had somehow sprouted a pair of purple eyes. I rolled mine, and walked up to the timidly-observing plant.

"Rainbow, what's the matter?"

"Applejack's right there!" the plant replied, its eyes growing more worried.

"Well yeah, what did you expect?"

"Well, I knew she'd be here, but not this soon! I don't think I'm ready!"

"Come on, Rainbow, she won't bite. You'll be fine."

"But Sly, look at her eyes! I bet she thinks something is up."

"Well, to be fair, I am conversing with a shrubbery right now."

"Yeah, well..." Rainbow sighed. "Okay, okay, I'm coming..." Twigs tumbled off of Rainbow as she emerged from her leafy retreat.

We continued down the dirt road, Rainbow not looking as eager as she had before. But, as we approached the archway, Applejack's face lit up, and she dashed out to meet us. See, Rainbow? It's not just you who has missed her friends.

"Do mah eyes deceive me?" inquired Applejack. "Why, Rainbow, it is you! I'm mighty glad to see you again, darlin'. And, uh, hello to you, stranger. What brings ya here?" Applejack narrowed her eyes at me. I'm already suspicious in her mind?

I cleared my throat. "Uh, yes, hello Miss...Applejack, right? I'm Sly Clop, and Rainbow and I are Hard Cider's guests for the Reunion."

Applejack's expression immediately eased. "Well, why didn't ya say so earlier? Yup, Ah'm Applejack. Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Clop."

I gritted my teeth at that name. "Please, call me Sly," I said, a lot more politely than I could've. I really should start working my name of choice into my introduction.

"Slah, then," said Applejack. That's not great, either, but it'll do. "Welcome to the 63rd annual Apple Family Reunion! Y'all are some of the first ones here." Applejack beckoned us through the archway.

She pointed to a large table laid out in front of the barn. "We have apples, apple fritters, apple tarts, apple pie, apple crullers, apple dumplings, apple slices, apple juice, candy apples and hard apple cider!" Applejack gave us a warm smile. I wonder if there's ever been anypony who's come to one of these who was allergic to apples. Poor guy must've starved.

I looked around the lawn, and saw Applejack was right, we were pretty early. Only her, Big Mac, Hard Cider, a pony who could only be Granny Smith, a gangly yellow filly with a pink bow on her head, and a goldenrod stallion with a stetson and a leather vest were there. Applejack assured us that there would be many more guests coming, including the rest of Rainbow's friends.

"Y'know, it's been a while since any of us have seen you, sugarcube. Ah was getting worried. Where've you been?" Applejack looked at Rainbow with distress in her eyes.

Rainbow sighed. "It's kind of a long story..."

Applejack smiled warmly. "Well, Ah've got all day to hear it, sugarcube."

Rainbow cautiously smiled back. That's the spirit, Rainbow. I motioned for her to go off with Applejack. I didn't need to listen to her hardships again, some of which I had experienced first-hand. Besides, I had more pressing matters to attend to. The time had now come for Operation: Humiliate Big Mac.

As I approached Big Mac, his eyes bugged out, and he furrowed his brow. Sweat immediately started to cascade down his forehead. Wow, this guy's a nervous wreck.

"Uh..." he said. "Hey, Sly. How are ya doin'?"

"I'm doing very well," I said.

"Good to hear." His eyes darted frantically. "So, uh, good talking with ya." He smiled pleadingly. Not a chance, Mac.

"Well, who's this young whippersnapper?" said a raggedy old voice behind me, interrupting my plans. I turned, and saw that it was the raggedy and old Granny Smith. I'd never actually met her, but ever since Red Light told me the real story of my birth, I've always felt like I should thank her. She did save my life, after all.

"Good afternoon, ma'am," I said to her, trying to make a good impression. "I'm a friend of Hard Cider's, Sly Clop. But please, call me Sly."

"Sly, then," said Granny Smith, looking me over. "Ah have a feeling that Ah've seen you somewhere before...aha! What was your pappy's name, sonny?"

It was like she could read my mind. "Red Light was his name," I replied.

"Ah, yes!" exclaimed Granny Smith. "So you are that child. Your pappy was one strange stallion. He didn't have his priorities right at all. Did Ah knock some sense into him that night at the train station?"

"I honestly have no idea," I said. "My father was a very strange stallion. How well did you know him outside of that night?"

"Ah didn't. That's the only time I ever met him," said Granny Smith. "But, it isn't every day a pony tries to throw his offspring away like a sack of bad apples. It looks like you grew up alright, though."

"I guess I did," I replied, really not sure if how I grew up could be called "right." "I just want to thank you for being there that night."

"Oh, it was nothing, sonny. Just doing what any right-thinking pony would have done."

I nodded gratefully. The silence rapidly stretched into awkwardness.

"So," said Granny Smith, at last. "What line of work did you come up into?"

"Uh..." I replied. At that moment, I realized I regarded Granny Smith as a hero. And I also realized that I really didn't want to tell my hero that I worked in a porn shop, of all places. It seemed likely that she wouldn't have learned where my dad worked.

I felt something tapping my leg. Turning my head, I saw it was the gangly yellow filly from before. Phew, I'm saved.

"Hey," I said nicely. "What's your name, little one?"

"Apple Bloom!" said the filly. "And Ah'm not little!"

"Of course you're not," I said. "I'm Sly Clop, but please call me Sly."

"What kind of a name is Sly Clop?" asked Apple Bloom, raising an eyebrow.

"Apple Bloom!" said Granny Smith sternly. "That's no way to talk to a guest!"

"S'rry," replied Apple Bloom.

"Heh, it's okay," I said. "Now, what did you want?"

"Oh yeah!" said Apple Bloom, springing back into action. "What's your cutie mark mean?"

Damn. Back in the hot seat. Big Mac, who up until now had been watching nervously from the sidelines, gave me the kind of wry smile I should be giving him.

"It means...uh..." A trickle of sweat started running down the back of my neck as I tried to think of an appropriate response. Without saying what I actually do, I had to satisfy the young one's interest, as well as the old one's, and I had to not give Big Mac a chance to call me on it. Needless to say, I was drawing an endless supply of blanks.

"Uh...it means...it means--"

"It means he runs a porn shop," deadpanned Rainbow Dash, who must've just come up behind me.

Slowly, I turned my head to regard Rainbow Dash, who was smirking at me. My gaze then shifted to the ponies behind her, and my heart sank even further. My mind flashed back to the numerous newspaper articles I had read on them as I came face to face with the Elements of Harmony.

Farthest to the left were the Elements of Honesty and Generosity, both regarding me with a look that covered disappointment, shock, and curiosity all in one go. The Element of Magic just looked quizzical, as if she had no idea what Dash had just said. Past the previously mentioned Element of Loyalty was the Element of Laughter, who looked at me with almost an expression of awe. And farthest to the right was the one that broke my heart the most. The Element of Kindness was blushing furiously, and she looked ready to hide her head in the proverbial sand. From what I've read, she's too pure a soul for this.

"G-greetings," I said, nervously performing a salute along with my salutation. "I-I'm Sly Clop, b-but you can call me S-Sly. Pleased to m-meet you all."

"Slah," said Applejack. "Is it true that you run a store sellin' that kind of hogwash?"

I sighed, defeated. "Yes..."

"Rainbow," said Applejack, giving her a quizzical look. "You've made some really weird friends."

A bout of nervous laughter followed, everypony not exactly sure what to say. My brain realized that these ponies were definitely not just famous faces, and that I now was hoping for approval, or at least not utter disgust, from a group of ponies I've only just met. The least I could do is call them by name.

"What's porn?" asked Apple Bloom, being the first one to find her voice.

"Yeah, what is it?" asked Twilight Sparkle. Really? I had thought she was smarter than that.

"Apple Bloom, you'll learn when you're older," said Applejack. "Twilight, go have a chat with Braeburn. He'll tell you everything you'd ever need to know."

"You're far too sheltered for your own good, Twilight," said Rarity. "You need to know these things. Spike's getting to be around that age now. What if he asks you about them?" Twilight responded with a puzzled reaction. Yep, completely clueless.

"Wow, so I bet you're the owner of that shop I pass by every time I'm on Soresaddle Street!" said Pinkie Pie.

To my horror, Granny Smith put on a seductive look. "When I was young, I was quite the little apple pie. All the stallions wanted a piece of me..."

The conversation quickly dissolved into chaos, but you expect that sort of thing when you throw a conversational bomb into the middle of a large group of ponies.

I cringed when I heard Granny Smith say something about "stallions spreading whipped cream", and tried to get away as fast as possible. In doing so, I ran smack dab into Hard Cider.

I bounced off the larger pony, while he barely noticed the collision. "Hey Sly," he said. "What's going on here?"

"Oh, just that everypony found out where I work and now they're discussing R-rated topics," I replied.

"Sounds...interesting," replied Cide.

"Yeah, Celestia will probably smite me any time now."

"So Sly," said Big Mac, who had found the guts to willingly approach me. "Party didn't turn out exactly like you planned, eh?"

"Guess not, but that reminds me," I said back. I cleared my throat. "Big Mac is a frequent customer of my shop who just looooooves porn!"

Almost instantly, all eyes turned to Big Mac, who once again got very nervous. Everypony then simultaneously rushed up to him, asking questions of varying appropriateness, especially considering that a child was still with us.

I watched Big Mac get swarmed, and a wave of pleasure ran up my spine. Even Fluttershy wanted to at least hear this conversation. "There," I said, turning to Hard Cider. "Now everything is once again right with the world."

A couple of hours had passed, and it was coming up on 6:00. Eventually, everypony had quieted down and had accepted my workplace--or at least they had dropped the subject--and most of them, I had no doubt, were keeping Big Mac's little secret tucked away until the most opportune time to bring it out again. I had finally been properly introduced to everypony, but Fluttershy and Twilight both still acted a bit averse towards me, the latter just having learned about the finer points of adultery from Braeburn.

As promised, plenty more guests had shown up, and damn near every single one had "Apple" in their name. I swear, if you listened to any idle conversation at the party, every five seconds you'd hear the word "apple." I eventually got into a conversation with Braeburn, who turned out to be a pretty cool guy. And to my surprise, he told me that the hydra-on-hydra DVD was actually for him.

"Heh, never would've guessed that," I said. "I hear 'It's for my cousin' practically every day."

"Well," said Braeburn. "It gets a mite boring in Appleloosa sometimes, though harvest season is coming up soon. Ah have to find something to keep my hooves full..."

"Don't you have a marefriend, Braeburn? You certainly look fine enough," I said as I sipped from my first mug of hard cider.

Braeburn sighed. "Shucks, no. Most of our mares came to Appleloosa as blushing brides, looking to settle on the frontier with their new husbands. Most of the single ponies are stallions like me, whose muse is the frontier, and who answer only to her call."

"Well, you just keep looking, Braeburn. If somepony like me can find a marefriend, you can find two."

"Well, thank ya kindly, Sly," said a blushing Braeburn.

"Well, looks like you found some friends, too," said Rainbow Dash, grabbing a mug of cider from the table we were standing by. She was joined by the rest of the Elements of Harmony, all of whom also grabbed cider, bar Fluttershy.

"Hey RD," I said. "So everything's going along swimmingly with your friends?"

"Totally!" she said. "I can't believe I was so nervous about seeing them again!"

"See, what did I tell ya?" I said. I took another swig of my drink, savouring its taste. "Great cider, eh?"

"I haven't tried it yet, me and the girls have been too busy talking. I hear this year's cider is really something special, though."

"You got that right! Bottoms up, Rainbow!" said Applejack, her mug already half-finished.

"Cheers," said RD, raising her mug to her lips.

Suddenly, a grey pegasus careened out of the sky, and smashed into Rainbow Dash, spilling her drink all over the dirt.

"Derpy!" shouted Applejack. "How many times do I have to tell ya that the mailbox is over there!?"

"Sorry..." mumbled the strangely cross-eyed pegasus before taking to the air again.

Rainbow got up, and saw the contents of her mug all over the ground. Her lips quivered. "I knew it. I'm cursed. I'll never have my fill of cider." She looked like she was on the verge of tears.

I regarded Rainbow worriedly, fretting about her emotional state. But her lips quirked up and she cast a sidelong glance at her friends, which they answered with giggles. I decided it must have been a strange in-joke, and breathed a sigh of relief.

"If Ah can get a word in," said Braeburn. "It really is nice to see y'all again. How long has it been? Three years? Four?"

"4 years, 2 months and 18 days," said Pinkie Pie matter-of-factly.

I blinked in surprise, and Braeburn just stared at Pinkie. "Oookay...," he said slowly.

"Anyways," he continued, "How have y'all been? Ah really wish I could've been here at the past few Reunions, but this is the first chance Ah've had to get away from Appleloosa."

"How is that darling little town going?" inquired Rarity.

Braeburn broke into a big, pleased smile. "Well, we're getting along just fine. Our population has just about doubled in size since you six were last there, and relations with the buffalo tribe couldn't be better. Why, with all the new folks in town, we had to build three entire streets. But really, Ah'm more interested in what's going on in Ponyville these days. How's everything going with y'all?"

"Well," said Rarity, with a toss of her mane. "My fall collection was recently shown at the annual Canterlot Fashion Show. Everypony who is anypony is absolutely raving at my work. It's delightful to be the talk of so many ponies."

"A few weeks ago, I hosted the most incredibly awesome, most funtastic party ever!" said Pinkie Pie, full of enthusiasm. "There were clowns, and jugglers, and stand-up comedians, and I was a juggling clown doing stand-up comedy! And after the comedy was over, DJ Pon-3 spun it all night long! I hadn't had so much fun since the last party!"
"Well, that sounds like a right good hoedown to me," said Braeburn. He expectantly looked at Fluttershy, eager to hear her story.

Fluttershy then turned her head from Braeburn to me, and partially hid behind her hair.

"Come on, Fluttershy," said Rainbow. "He's actually a really nice guy."

Still reluctantly, Fluttershy then began to speak in quite possibly the cutest voice I'd ever heard. "A family of beavers recently moved into the pond, and I've spent the last few days helping them get accustomed to their new home. They're very capable, though, and they know where all the best spots for food are now."

Everypony grinned at Fluttershy, encouraging her sociability. She had nothing more to say, though, and went back to being conversationally transparent.

Twilight was the next pony the torch was passed to. "I recently finished work on a new spell," she said, giddily. "I call it the Thermo-Volume Registration spell. It will revolutionize the lives of ponies everywhere! It's certainly revolutionized mine."

Braeburn shook his head slowly. "Well, ain't that something? Ponies all over the world. That's just plain amazing, Miss Twilight. What does it do?"

"It checks the temperature of your coffee so you know how much you can drink in one gulp without burning your mouth!" said the purple unicorn, grinning from ear to ear.

"Oh. Sounds...important," replied Braeburn.

"And Ah've just been bucking apples like always!" said Applejack proudly.

"Heh, good to know the family tradition is still being upheld as proudly as I'd expect it to be," said Braeburn.

Dash was the last pony in line to speak, but she only pawed the ground with a hoof.

"Don't you want to say something, Dashie?" said Pinkie Pie kindly.

A hint of sadness crossed Rainbow Dash's face. I could almost see the more painful memories of her recent life flashing before her eyes.

"I'd...rather not talk about it," she finally said.

"Fair enough," said Braeburn understandingly.

"Why don't we get a table?" I suggested, eager to hear more about the lives of Ponyville's most famous ponies.

We ended up having to put two tables together to sit all eight of us, but it worked out. We were able to keep a lively conversation going for quite some time, the topic switching almost constantly. One minute, we'd be talking about a nigh-impossible order for a dress Rarity had to fill, the next we'd be hearing about the latest friendship report Twilight sent. We each also got at least a couple more mugs of cider, since it was free and all. Rainbow Dash, in particular, was overjoyed at being able to successfully drink Applejack's cider. Even Fluttershy eventually gave in and got a mug, though she was hesitant to take even one sip from it.

Inevitably, though, conversation eventually shifted to the juiciest topic at the table: me. Or more specifically, my line of work.

"So," began Rarity, now starting on her third mug of cider. "What's working in the 'adult video' industry like, Sly?"

We had just finished speaking about Apple Bloom's recent birthday party, so the question caught me a bit off guard.

"Well, it's certainly interesting," I said simply.

"Do go on," said Rarity, taking another sip of cider.

"Well, one of the things I like most about my work is seeing the expressions on my customers' faces as they go about their shopping. It's amusing how some of them try to hide their more...exotic selections, or say that this one is 'for their friend', or something. I'm not going to judge you any differently. Ponies all have carnal desires. Sooner or later, pretty much everypony comes through my door. And these desires take many forms. To me, it doesn't matter if you only buy softcore, or if you buy exclusively 'fourth aisle' things."

"What does 'fourth aisle' mean?" said Twilight, interrupting my monologue.

Rainbow Dash took a big gulp of cider, and then belted out, "That's where he keeps all the most awesome filthy shit!"

I gave Dash the evil eye. I was trying to be vague, so everyone would warm up to me. No chance of that now. Meanwhile, Twilight's face perfectly conveyed "I'm 12, and what is this?"

Without further interruption, I continued, not caring about being vague anymore. "You don't have control over those primal instincts, though. In fact, I kinda look up to that nervous young stallion who is courageous enough to buy that Neighponese tentacle rape porn. He's gotten over being judged, and rightly so, because I look at everyone who enters my shop in the same way: they have accepted their desires, and have come to me to fulfill them."

I finished my little speech with a profound smile on my face, and looking over the rest of the group, I could tell that they didn't expect me to say something so deep. But hey, I'm a stallion of many surprises.

Heh heh, deep.

Author's Note

Well, that was quite a ride. Hey, almost a week later is better than never, right? Chalk the lateness up to 1) me not knowing that you can't send PMs with multiple recipients here the normal way (Name, name), and wasting a day and a half because of it 2) me just not feeling up for writing some days and 3) extensive pre-reading, done only to make this chapter better. Really, I wrote about a third of this chapter when I wasn't "in the zone" and it wasn't very good, and only by extensive editing is it now up to snuff with the rest of the chapter. I really like that we got everything right to the best of our abilities in the end.

Thanks to NorsePony and Smash King24 for being said pre-readers. Very awesome people, definitely. Also, a thanks to the band Yes for writing "Roundabout" and "Siberian Khatru", which both almost instantly put me in a writing mood after I listen to them.

Also, the link to "Sexy and I Know It" in Chapter 3 has finally been fixed. Thanks to iloveportalz0r for that.

So yeah, hopefully you all enjoy this chapter. Hopefully, the next one won't take as long to complete.

EDIT: Oh, and the cover image has now been changed (Or, at least it should be. Does it need to pass through mods first? Anyways, it's either been changed or in the process of being changed.). Thanks to mickf18 on deviantART (DeusExKane here) for designing it. Here's the full size version.

Alexstrazsa here and Gig-Mendecil on deviantART also designed a cover image. There was a little competition between the two, you could say. Here's his design.