Building Walls, Burning Bridges

by MonolithiuM

Rating: teen
Tags: Flim and Flam, Fancypants, Twilight Sparkle, Cheerilee, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders
Length: 84961

An adventure of highly insulting and callous behavior led by a small human named Mono. Whether it's crushing romances or denying amazing power, our hero strives to avoid as many cliches as possible during his less-than-fortunate adventure..

A human with a sour temper, an immunity to magic and mischievously-sinister tendencies appears in Celestia's garden. His body suffers from a strange case of disproportionate deformity, and he displays a certain degree of genre savviness regarding the ponies' world. Using this knowledge, the human struggles to avoid "cliches" to the point of obsession. His attitude constantly pushes away the ponies and their attempts at friendship, while he intends to use the brightly-colored equines to gain a stranglehold on their economics. Combining cartoon-physics and manipulation, the human slowly rises to the occasion in order to swindle the wealthy, assert his presence, and dominate his environment.

Just how far into his quest for wealth, however, will the ponies let him get?

(A self-insert that is fully conscious of cliches, contains swearing and some mildly violent and offensive themes. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. So don't whine about it. Welcome to the internet.)

LEGAL STUFF
I own the artwork.
MLP:FiM belongs to Hasbro, Studio B, and Lauren Faust
Any references to media are purely used for entertainment purposes.

Published 2013-04-16 22:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2017-03-10 22:44:17 UTC

Chapter 1- Worst Nightmare/Best Dream

"Destiny has two ways of crushing us- by refusing our wishes and by fulfilling them."~Henri Frederic Amiel

"Okay. Don't panic. You've been in this situation before. Albeit I've never spontaneously appeared on a tree stump in the middle of a statue garden…"

There were statues of equines and some other strange creatures, but I placed most of them in or around Greek Mythos. Trees, flowers, vines, and other various flora layered the area in a sort of chaotic uniformity. A garden, very nice.

Another strange sensation, as I was not on the frigid-as-Alaska plastic seat that all train potties have. It was rough, and grainy. Looking at it, it was definitely wood. A perfectly real tree stump to be exact. I took in my surroundings now, and squinted in the darkness. Definitely a garden, filled with statues, and I was sitting on a stump with my pants down and Time Magazine in my hands.

First order of business, toilet paper. I looked around, and saw practically nothing until I saw the plastic bag.

And the toiletries are several feet away.

"Story of my life." I groaned and futilely stretched for the clear plastic bag. "That's funny, I don't remember my hand having a mitten on it. It's green, so at least it's my favorite color, but I can't remember putting it on." I took a glance down at my clothing.

Same light grey slacks and tan sweater. And my pants had just slipped off my legs. "Ugh…" I hate it when that happens. "What's this?"

I couldn't reach the ground. I was about two feet off of the ground."How? This tree isn't that big! I can't reach my pants either, so now there's a huge problem."

I let a breath leave my mouth, and was surprised by what registered. A fat white mushroom-looking bubble puffed out and disappeared within seconds, leaving me blinking like an idiot. I looked at my arms and shook them up and down as fast as I could. On both sides of my body were tan blurs tipped with smaller green ones.

"Holy Mother of God."

I'm a cartoon.

"I guess this is karma for punching Joey in the throat…"

\\||||////

"And the Conversationalist gets photos A-04809 through A-04814."

Celestia wiped her brow with a wing and sent off some scandalous photos of Blueblood. "Take care, Quick Script, we wouldn't want any of those photos getting to the 'public eye'." Quick Script nodded and trotted away, her scarlet coat shimmering in the early morning light.

The immortal sun princess, not goddess, let out a breath of relief and sipped her Chamomile tea. The Grand Galloping Gala had gone off without a hitch last night, and newspapers would have plenty of juicy photos to dig their hooves in. She just managed it so that all would be harmonious between the usually-cutthroat paparazzi. Made managing the rest of Canterlot, and Equestria as a whole, that much easier.

With a yawn and a stretch, she stood from her comfortable cushion and went on her morning canter. First stop was the kitchens.

As always, loud and busy. The cooks chopped vegetables and seasoned plates and stews with excellent efficiency.

"G' mornin' princess! How're you this fine day?" Sous Soufflé bowed with his hat in his hoof. A large pot of oatmeal bubbled beside him.

"Quite fine, Sous. Thank you. And good morning!" she responded cheerily.

"A fine mornin' it is, and all of Equestria thanks ye for it!" he called back as she continued down the hall.

Canterlot Palace truly was a marvel to behold, with its marble pillars and floors and elaborate decorations. Velvet curtains and upholstery plagued the estate, but in a good way of course!

Celestia rounded a corner and admired the work of a few distinct construction workers. Crunch tossed a bucket of water to Bust, who caught it with ease. Bust then lobbed the filled bucket to Dust, who splashed the contents onto Rust.

"Dammit, you guys!" Rust shouted at his brethren. They guffawed and pointed at him with their hooves.

Bust wiped a tear out of his eye. "Couldn't catch it, bro? Maybe you're getting a little rusty?"

The brothers exploded into laughter yet again, and Dust nearly fell out of the air, while Rust flared his horn. Above his brothers were buckets of water.

Celestia smiled to herself and shook her head as Dust, Bust, and Crunch shrieked under the freezing cold liquid.

Trotting out to the ballroom, she sucked in a deep lungful of air. She smiled slightly, fond memories of a Grand Galloping Gala long since past coming to mind. Now that Twilight was an alicorn princess, she had been even busier than she was before studying her own powers.

Twilight was absolutely enamored with her abilities, and she had been practicing nonstop in the preceding weeks after her transformation.

Approaching the curtained doors to her calm place, she closed her eyes and swung the doors open to her statue garden. What she saw she certainly did not expect, and it caught her off guard immediately.

It turned its bulbous, disproportionately large head her way and, with bloodshot eyes, spoke in a horridly dry, hoarse voice.

"I think there's crusted shit on my ass."

\\||||////

A frightened scream later, and half the Royal Equestrian Guard was gathered just outside the statue garden. Spears poised, armor polished, and wits dimmed, they prepared for a fierce enemy.

"Ready yourselves, Stallions. For TONIGHT. WE DINE. IN TARTARUS!" Shining Armor roared at his troops, all two hundred of them. A determined and eager "AWOO!" rushed from the assembled force, and they all burst into the clearing. Surrounding the creature, they marveled at its size and build, and the various items that undoubtedly belonged to it scattered around. Its huge, brown eyes seemed to dart in confusion and fear, while its green paws retreated to its chest.

The Guard aimed all weapons, spells, and poorly thought-out plans and puns toward the supposedly-powerful being on the stump. It was about four hooves tall, quite a small thing.

Shining Armor trotted up to the stranger with pride and domination in his heart, and gazed down upon his quarry. "We'd cut you down to size, but I'm afraid there'd be nothing left, short-stuff."

The thing looked up, and its entire demeanor changed.

\\||||////

"What the fuck did you just say to me, you little bitch? I'll have you know that I graduated top of my class in the Griffin Assault Ops, and I have over twenty confirmed dragon slays, and about four or five times that on ponies. I am trained in close quarters and long range combat and I'm the top practitioner of Wombo in the entire Griffin Battalion. You are nothing to me but just another assignment. I will mop the floor with you, you fucking royal bitch, mark my words. You think you can get away with that shit because you're taller than me? Think again, fucker. As we speak my SOS is going out to my secret network of changelings throughout Equestria, and your precious sister and wife are being targeted right now so you better prepare a funeral service, foal. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over two hundred ways, and that's just with me staring at you. I have access to alien weaponry the likes of which you have never seen and I will use them for their intent: to fuck your shit up so high it explodes out your mouth. If only you could have known what sadistic reckoning you had brought upon everyone you knew when you made your clever little 'joke' about my size, maybe you would have kept your muzzle shut. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying in cold hard bits, you damned imbecile. I will shit righteous firepower and hate all over you until you melt away to nothing with everyone you love. You're fucking dead, Shining. You, Twilight, and Cadenza."

\\||||////

Shining froze in place at the being's words. All traces of fear, confusion, and helplessness washed from the small monster's face. Now only burning hatred seared into Armor's eyes and very soul, piercing with a gaze so filled with contempt it physically hurt him inside.

The entire guard stared in shock at the tiny, mis-proportioned creature on the stump. Their weapons had long since lowered around the first 'bitch', and now they shifted their attention to capture Captain Armor's response.

The illustrious captain of the guard quaked where he stood. "D- don't hurt them. Please…" A tear rolled down his face. The boy on the stump regarded him with an icy glare, before sighing, "Yeah, okay. Just get me some toilet paper."

Toilet paper was brought to the impish being, who used it, and it promptly pulled its leg coverings up and hopped off the stump. It now began to scheme.

\\||||////

"So I'm in MLP, I'm what I suppose is a chibi, and I'm about as small as a filly or colt. I can make empty threats against Shining until I get my stuff, and possibly avoid the Mane Six before Celestia calls them. First though, to deal with these guards."

I turned around, and swung my arm grandly. "Step aside, worms." They bunched closer, huh? "Not for long."

I shot Shining a look and licked my canines, letting them glint in the morning sun. He ordered them to stand aside. Good, now we're getting somewhere. With my virtual hostage in tow, we began to make some headway.

I gathered up my things and began to walk inside, easy come, easy go. I took a minute to stare at my reflection. With my black winter coat on, I looked only somewhat intimidating. The size problem didn't help at all. In fact, I was pretty adorable looking. I was, by the looks of it, a chibi. So to confirm: I assumed I was a little taller than a filly, my Peruvian Hat allowed some of my uncombed black hair to stick out around the forehead, and my eyebrows were cartoonishly bushy and simple. My eyes though, were what drew me in.

Two huge plain brown orbs floated in seas of white. I had no pupils whatsoever. Just brown. Freaky. They had no real detail, like the rest of me. It was as if they had drawn me to life, albeit smaller and with freakish body proportions. The gloves on my hands were probably to aid in the simplicity effect that chibis radiated. Fantastic. My coat came down to just my shins, which was good, because that means that my clothes were affected by this 'chibi-radiation'. My shoes were fine too, same dress shoes as before. At least I looked presentable.

I slung the strap of my bag over my right shoulder, letting the bag itself rest on my left thigh. It too had shrunk with me. I'd check my things later.

"I need to speak with Princess Celestia alone. The Elements of Harmony may not intercede." My voice still kept its usual pitch between tenor and baritone, which I was thankful of. A high voice might have done me in at this point.

"Now, I need to-"

"HALT!"

"Fuck."

Shining Armor stared in fear at the charging Princess of the Night. Yeah, I was shitting my pants right now, because she was the one with no self-control. At least, that's what other stories labeled her as. Anticipating the blow, I hopped behind Shining Armor. What? I'm barely two feet tall as it is.

"Princess wait! He has Twily! And Cadence! Luna slowed down and came to a stop. She gazed behind Armor directly at me. This was a challenge.

"You know, Shining's married. It might not be considered socially appropriate to stare at his flank." I glanced at Shining's reaction. "Nice as it may be." He visibly bristled. Good, he's uncomfortable, that makes up for being a pushover, you turd.

Luna grinned. "Captain Shining Armor, you need not worry about them. This being is lying."

"Shit. But how?!"

"Now you are probably asking 'how'." Sweet Lord. "I will inform you. Your left eye twitched and your grip on his hind legs faltered when I peered at you. The gig is up, beast."

Shining turned around to stare incredulously at… some grass and flowers. I, meanwhile, ran like there was no tomorrow. Even though magic would probably grab me up in a few seconds, I would try to get away. I was not going to be talking to the Mane Six unless I absolutely could not avoid them. Luna smirked at me. The nerve! And her horn began glowing.

I stopped immediately, accepting my fate.

But nothing happened. Her horn shone brilliantly, and a glow constantly evaporated from my body. She couldn't get a grip. I heard grunts and grumbles of frustration and noticed that the unicorns in the guard couldn't snatch me with their magic either.

"Oh boy did I just luck out." I smiled and readjusted my shoulder bag, then took off running into the palace.

Author's Note

It seems that many thought that the main character was Tommy Miller. BAHAHAAA!!! Hell no, the main character is the junior that punched Joey in the throat. Why would I follow the bullied kid? THAT'S EVERY HIE STORY IN EXISTENCE (almost). No. This is about the defender of Tommy, not Tommy himself. I'm pretty sure most people just read through the first few paragraphs and just stopped before seeing what actually happened. That's depressing. Anyways, I just wanted to clear that up and make sure that everyone knew who the correct character was. There was a reason I didn't reveal "the junior's" name.

People sometimes.

~Mono

Chapter 2- Reluctant Introduction

"With any recovery from morbidity there must go a certain healthy humiliation." ~Gilbert K. Chesterton

"Nice try, jackholes!"

I darted across the ballroom and blasted down the hallway, traveling far faster than anything my size has the right to. My legs and feet melted into spinning blurs as I pushed myself to the limit. In proper cartoon fashion, a dust trail was left behind along with a faint 'vroom' while I ran.

"First order of business. Find a book on the Elements of Harmony. The more I know about them, the better my chances of going home. So I'll need to go to the library."

In the guards' perspective, without a rhyme or a reason, I took off in another direction, letting a slew of them I hadn't been aware of crash into the wall. Before I even had a chance to shout an insult, I was cut off by a wall of Earth pony guards. Rude. Not one to be pushed around so easily, I slid under the middle one. And planted a firm kick to his family jewels on the fly.

"You had it comin', chief!"

I heard wings. Wings no bueno. I dared to peek behind me, and what I saw nearly made me scream.

I shit you not, the entire hallway behind me was filled with guards. Earth ponies, Pegasi, and Unicorns. And they were gaining fast. Feet don't exactly compare to the constant locomotion of hooves. Panic time.

"Wait a minute, I'm tiny… I wonder…"

Or maybe I didn't have to wonder.

With a screech that would make Nascar jealous, I halted my heels and did a complete 180, something I knew was impossible for a pony to do. Immediately they attempted to slow down, but their metallic hooves slid across the floor. With a grin and a powerful pump of my legs, I shot under the lead stallion and past all of the opposition once again. This time, however, I made it my intent to lose them.

I took a hard left, leaving dust in my wake even though the palace was spick and span. Funny how that works. I next opted for a right into a sort of atrium, and then for a run down a couple of flights of stairs before banking left again. I found myself in a rotunda of sorts, outside. Another garden.

This one was far more elegant and restrained, and I saw the spiral stairs encompassing it all the way up. The marble floors actually continued into this area and gave it a very controlled and-

"The hell am I doing?! I can't stop!" Without another thought I ran past the pretty foliage and up the spiral stairs. Amazingly, I made it in no time. Just to run into yet another wall of guards. This time with massive shields levitated by magic. Actual shields too, not pure magic-generated ones.

"Crapsicles," I muttered under my breath. I turned around, and saw more shields closing in on me. Only one way to go, and that was right again, into the unknown.

I was off like a shot, and I heard the shuffling of shields behind me, knowing full well that they had blocked the entrance.

I kept pushing forward, avoiding stray guards who attempted to catch me with their bare hooves. I dipped and dove this way and that, my unique cartoon physics making it difficult for them to touch me.

Guards fell all around me, losing their balance without the use of their front hooves to prop themselves up correctly. I, meanwhile, laughed like a madman. "They actually can't get me?" I laughed even harder watching a unicorn bust his head through a desk.

I turned around, running backwards, to laugh. I got three "ha"s out before I felt something solid connect with the back of my head, sending me ass-over-teakettle. My momentum kept me moving backwards, and then my world was marble floor, red, and black when my head collided with the floor at break-neck speed.

"…shit…"

And then I passed into unconsciousness.

\\||||////

I couldn't do it. So it really is impossible, isn't it? I failed to avoid a cliche. Damn it. I thought it was so simple, but there we go, boom. Right there.

Blacking out. One of the most overused transitions of all time.

Am I fighting the universe itself for control? Is it really that impossible to completely dodge every cliche like a barrage of pies filled with rattlesnakes? No.

I refuse to believe that. I will fight, and I will not become a cliche. I will make this realm my bitch, force it to its knees, and make it choke on my proverbial man meat. I'm waking up. Crap. Better make a list…

\\||||////

"Finished." I blinked when I saw that eight spears had jumped to life and come dangerously close to my head. With a nervous gulp, coupled with an insanely huge sweat drop that I saw out of the corner of my eye, I hid my fear. "Damn this body. I'll have to put up with freaky shenanigans like that betraying my poker face."

I looked to my right, where a small clock had made its home. The time read 11:45. "Awfully accurate," I mumbled incoherently to myself. With my peripheral vision I saw a mare leave the room quickly. Fetching the princesses, or… the Elements.

"CLICHE ALERT, CLICHE ALERT! WARNING WARNING!"

My brain even generated alarms from several different movies. From the Red October to the Enterprise and even Star Wars, I heard them all going off at the same time. It hurt, to say the least.

With an annoyed grunt, I perished the building migraine and attempted to move my legs. Nothing.

Eyes wide with realization, I sat up and scrambled around, looking over the edge of the bed and under the sheets. I ignored the spears, which had since backed up a fragment to allow my bulbous head some leeway in my mad search.

"Where are my things?!" I screamed in a panic. I was scared okay? If I had been asleep for too much longer then I may not have woken up. I wanted to die in my sleep but… not now, not that way. Head trauma is a very dangerous thing.

A guard sneered. "Confiscated. We've put them somewhere we know you can't get to."

"In one of the Princesses' rooms," I deadpanned with a flat expression, my arms hung by my sides. The guard stared at me slack-jawed.

"H- how did you know?" Dumbass, it's so-

"Cliche! Hellooo? I'm a new creature that negates all magic and the first place I'd put an alien's things is with a far more powerful thing! Are you fuckin' dense? Where do Celestia and Luna hire you guys?" This guard was absolutely plum retarded. I couldn't even take his face anymore. That same damn face. 'I'm SO SHOCKED! Better widen my eyes and drop my jaw!' Like clockwork, I tell ya. And speaking of clockwork…

With a lightning fast movement and a mighty laser of a throw right to his forehead, the nightstand clock hit his helm. His head rung like you would expect it to, because cartoons, and he held his head for a few seconds before collapsing on the ground with a mighty clang. The other guards now wore his expression.

"It's a disease." I reached for the lamp on the nightstand.

\\||||////

Quick Script led Luna down the hallway at a brisk pace. She knew from what some maids and cooks told her that the little creature was fast and devious. It also had quite the foul mouth and bad attitude.

As the lunar princess and humble media advisor approached the door, they heard shouting and many great sounds of crashing metal.

Luna exploded into the room with a huge gust of wind, knocking the remaining guards off of their hooves but doing nothing to the gremlin in the bed. In its right appendage it held the helm of one soldier, and in the other a horseshoe. It had a mild look of surprise on his face, but did not drop the items.

A pregnant silence fell over the room. "Hey Luna, need something? You really should knock."

After sweeping her eyes across the unconscious guards, she burst out laughing. "The incompetent fools!" She literally had tears in her eyes. I chuckled a little too.

"So uh, may I go?" I was beginning to get feeling back in my legs, but that quickly vanished when Luna's hard glare told me that my wish had been denied. I grumbled and crossed my arms in defeat.

"Then just take me to Celestia."

Luna seemed offended. "Are we not good enough for you?"

I cast a sour expression her way, my face contorting into what I supposed was a sneer. "Both of you are probably going to want to talk to me, correct?"

She nodded slowly.

"Then let's get on with it!"

\\||||////

"Maybe I could have waited…" I was dragged down the hall to the throne room by chains, my arms and legs completely draped in heavy iron. At first they tried teleporting me, to no avail. I blamed it on his itty-bitty horn.

The unicorn cried boo-hoo-hoo all the way home.

Then they attempted to fly me there. Guess what? Pegasus wings operate on magic too. So I called him a disgrace to the Night Guard. He got real uppity and had to be given temporary leave when I insulted his mother.

\\||||////

"How dare you insult me?" The Night Guard roared into my face, the flaps of my hat flipping backwards. I glared at the fanged guard.

"Fine. I'm sorry for insulting you." He visibly relaxed. "I should just tell you that your mother is a flying rodent."

He looked back at his bat wings and pure rage filled his eyes.

"I'LL KILL YOU!"

\\||||////

The guards that pulled me along now were far more stoic than the first two, which was unfortunate. "Who's a silly pony? Who is? You is! Night Guard buck!"

No response. "Awww. Ruining my fun with professional guards."

I was at the throne room in no time, and still bound in the chains and shackles. They pushed me in front of the two royal sisters, and left me in my bonds. Both Celestia and Luna looked down at me with no small amount of disappointment, though Luna looked slightly amused.

"Hey. I'm a human, I don't belong here, and I want to go home. Please don't waste my time with the Elements."

They seemed pretty surprised with my curtness, but I wasn't taking a century and a half to explain my predicament and what I was. My message was quite simple, though they still wanted to delve deeper.

"What is your name?"

Time stopped for a minute. I pictured how I looked right now, my face coming into focus. "I can be anyone I want. Identity doesn't matter now. I'm not who I once was. No more being the heroic junior of the neighborhood. The knight in shining armor for the underclass. It's time to start anew…"

I looked up at Princess Celestia, my grin growing into a full blown smile.

"My name is Mono. A pleasure to meet you."

Author's Note

Enjoy the music. Let me know if the link fails and I'll get on that like white on rice.

Chapter 3- I Keep My Real Name in My Other Pants

"If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough." ~Albert Einstein

"Mono?"

I smiled brightly and nodded my head furiously. "That's correct." I could live as a character. As my character. Not the paragon of the oppressed or the hero of high school. I could live as the cynical, wacky, ruthless bastard known as Mono.

I should explain what, or rather who, Mono is.

All of you know what an alter-ego is right? Of course you do. We use them as scapegoats into our fantasy worlds where we can be whomever or whatever we want to be. Mono is my very own. Mono doesn't care about how society would react to his outbursts. Mono doesn't bat an eye when he hears that the end of Greece's economy is approaching.

Mono simply doesn't give two shits unless it pertains to him or someone or something he deeply cares about. Simple as that, really.

The creation of Mono came from my suppressed stress and release of it through music and art. Playing my trumpet, I could let out quick, short bursts of high-pitch sound. It actually sounded like aggression and bounciness mixed as one.

The music inspired me to draw. So I drew him. I modeled it after myself, the little character. Same winter coat and Peruvian hat. The mittens were added simply because I was too lazy to draw the individual fingers.

His existence started as a way to relieve stress, but quickly evolved into a fun persona to use every once and awhile. The little swearing maelstrom of insults and abuse wouldn't tangle all that well with the ponies.

And I wanted to see just how far I could push it before they grew tired of me.

Standing up, I slipped my miniature from out of the chains and cuffs, stretching my back and cracking my joints. "Oooh, that's the stuff!"

The guards warily had already brought their spears to bear, holding them in their mouths rather than magic. "You've been holding them in your hooves, and you think that it's okay for you to transfer them to your mouths? That's fucking disgusting..." I approached the throne and smiled, my eyes closing.

"Can I have my stuff? I'd be glad to share some things with you." My eyes opened and my stare hardened. "But leave the Elements out of any business of mine. Especially you-know-who."

Celestia looked troubled by this, but Luna smiled. "Yes, Twilight can be… excitable. I am sure that this time would be no different. You have my word, Princess Twilight Sparkle will have no business with you or your quest to return home. Where, may I ask, is home?"

I looked around the throne room, gazing at the simplistic textures and fantastically impossible architecture.

"Not of this planet, I'm afraid."

Every pony in the room dropped everything they were doing and gaped.

A royal guard received my shoe to his face for that. "I want that back."

\\||||////

Princess Twilight Sparkle shuffled some papers around on her mahogany desk. Writing papers to her professors and Princess Celestia was second nature to her, but to write laws and govern a kingdom of her own was a bit much to ask at the moment.

So for the time being she was simply learning. Writing down all of the new and more powerful spells she could weave, and taking flying lessons from Dash. She smiled to herself. Being a Princess had perks, too.

"You got me tickets to the Wonderbolts?" Rainbow Dash had squealed in glee. Twilight had shook her head, and responded with, "I got you a free pass to fly with the Wonderbolts."

Rainbow Dash looked so adorable when she fainted.

Twilight shuffled some more papers, before nodding primly and trotting to the balcony of her beach house. As a newly-formed Princess, she had to isolate herself from time to time to better control and release her abilities. She was taking off the training wheels, so to speak.

Just then, a little note appeared on her recently-organized desk. A faint purple glow flashed from it, and then settled down. Twilight levitated the scroll to her, immediately recognizing the seal upon it.

"Shiny!"

She opened it up hastily and read the message.

Hey Twily,

Are you okay? Thing have been crazy over here, and this thing threatened you and Cadence. Luna and that little monster both assured me that it was an empty threat, but i just want to make sure.

Every since this alien's popped up at the castle, we've been keeping an eye on him. The guards hate him already, and he won't stop insulting Private Shade Flight's mother. I just hope Celestia and Luna can get him back home before he causes more of a ruckus here in Canterlot.

With love,

Shiny

Something was written beneath it, but Twilight couldn't read the script. She had never even seen the writing before, but-

"Wait. Did Shiny write about an alien?"

She read the letter over again, and her heart nearly stopped. Then it went into overdrive as her magic gusted about the room, snatching up bags and supplies for her imminent researching.

She practically skipped about the house, her regal clothes snapping to her form. "OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSH!!!"

"AN ALIEN! WHAT DOES IT EAT? WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE? IS IT MALE? FEMALE? DOES IT HAVE WINGS? OR A HORN? MAYBE NEITHER? HOW MANY LEGS DOES IT WALK ON? HOW OLD IS IT? WHAT'S ITS NAME?"

She thought quickly about the fact that it had insulted the guard. With an excited hoof in the air she screamed, "IT CAN SPEAK EQUESTRIAN!"

Then, in a bout of excitement, and noticing that her things were ready to go, she teleported to Canterlot.

In her haste, however, she took a good portion of her home with her.

\\||||////

"So can you scrape your fecal matter off the ceiling, or does your mom clean that up every once in awhile?"

Shade Flight covered his head with his grey hooves. "Please stop…"

"When you have sex, do you actually squeal like bats? I bet you do. You bat ponies and your cute echolocation. So it wasn't a rusty door to your mother's room?"

Flight curled up on the bench.

"So do you guys eat moths and shit or what? I mean, I know they've got tons of protein but goddamn son. That has to taste like crap. Well I mean, of course it will, I asked if you ate shit, right? Does your ma cook it up with vegetables or does she just eat that raw?"

Flight buried his head between his hooves. "But Momma said…"

He was cut off once again by the little alien, who smiled mischievously. "…that life is like a box of chocolates? My dear Flight, are you slow?"

The bat pony whimpered, then looked at Mono, extremely confused. "Wait. That's exactly what she used to say."

Mono seemed stunned. "That you were slow?"

The guards shook his head. "That life is like a box of chocolates."

Then Mono and Flight said at the exact same time, "You never know what you're gonna get…"

Mono's smile seemed to take up half of his face.

\\||||////

Shining Armor sat morosely in the dining room, his head resting on the table. What had appeared tonight was most assuredly a stroke of insanely bad luck. Not only had it shown up the entire guard with that chase, but it had incapacitated several guards that had it at spear point, and had caused two guards to lose their cool.

And on top of all that, it was resistant to magic. And Shining Armor knew that it wasn't actually an 'it', he just felt more comfortable calling it that because it was a little bastard and should burn in Tartarus for threatening Twily and Cadence.

He thought for a minute. "Why was I worried about them at all? They're both alicorns!" He puffed his chest out proudly, but then slumped again, thinking, "They're both alicorns…"

"WHY DO GIRLS GET ALL THE BEST JOBS?!"

\\||||////

Princess Celestia put her teacup down on the immaculate wooden coffee table, her horn shimmering slightly while she brought a book up to her face. Smiling delightedly, she leaned back, reaching for her cup with her magic.

~CRACK~

Turning to her left, she was greeted by the sight of an over-excited purple alicorn dressed in full regal uniform, and bits and pieces of light wood that were not native to the palace at all.

"That carpentry looks familiar…" Her thought process was caught up in a flurry as Twilight wrapped her in a massive hug.

"Princess Celestia! It's so nice to see you!" Twilight dropped the much larger alicorn, looking around giddily. "Where is he?"

Celestia blinked. "He?"

Twilight snapped back to her mentor. "Yes! The alien!"

Celestia saw the maddened look in her student's eyes and backed up a step. "Of course, him... "

\\||||////

Princess Luna joined Celestia and Twilight on their walk through the castle. "Where are you two going?"

Before Twilight could speak, Celestia summed their situation up. "We're going to find Mono. Care to trot with us?"

Luna accepted and moved with them.

Turning the corner, they were met muzzle to muzzle with a huge crowd of rioting stallions. Guard stallions. With Shining Armor making a passionate speech atop a table.

\\||||////

"So what you are saying, Captain Armor, is that you and your troops feel that the male's position is undermined in Equestrian society?"

Shining Armor stared down his sister and the Princesses with anger he didn't know he had before. "You're damn straight that's what we're saying! Mares get the leading positions in government, communities, and public occasions. Us stallions get to fight for you and do the heavy lifting! Bull. Crap."

Shining Armor crossed his hooves defiantly, while the still-armored guards whooped and threw trays into the air. Luna held the bridge of her nose, struggling to stifle her laughter. Princess Twilight looked stunned, and Celestia groaned in frustration.

"We don't need this right now…"

"I beg to differ, princesses!" Mono strolled in from an adjacent hallway, grinning widely and walking with a slight skip in his step. "It's the future of Equestria! A new princess! Stallions getting the respect they deserve! In fact…" He spun to lean on Shining's foreleg.

"Make our dear Shining Armor an alicorn. That should certainly even out the control of power, wouldn't you agree gentlecolts?"

It was quiet, and then loud roars of agreement and cheering rose to shake windows and the Princesses themselves. Mono's smile only seemed to take up more of his face, his eyes squinting to fit more of the cocky expression.

Twilight was absolutely enamored with him, staring slack-jawed at the small creature.

Celestia sighed deeply. "I am sorry, but that is impossible to do-"

"Wait a minute! Let me get this straight, " Mono hopped onto a stool, getting into the alabaster alicorn's face. A finger sprouted from his fist, the mitten morphing to allow such a digit. "Are you denying Prince Shining Armor the respect and position he deserves? You keep calling him Captain, when he is clearly a prince!"

Mono turned his huge head to the stallions. "You stallions hear that? She's undermining a prince! If you read about true royalty, the prince actually outranks a princess. Thus meaning that Prince Shining Armor should be next in line to dominate Equestria!"

The room went dead silent, many stallions looking from one to another. Mono became confused and looked at them quizzically. "Haven't you read that before?"

A few stallions raised their hooves, but the rest shuffled uncomfortably. Mono's jaw dropped. "No. Damn. Way."

He glared at Celestia and Luna in turn. "YOUR GUARDS ARE ILLITERATE?"

The two sisters shrugged. Mono facepalmed so hard he flipped off the stool, landing in a little pile on the floor. "Ugh… Equestria is so goddamn moronic…"

\\||||////

Celestia, Luna, and Twilight sat around a small coffee table in Luna's room. Luna and Celestia sipped whiskey from two glasses, while Twilight drank some tea.

"In one night, an alien arrives in the palace, makes a joke of our guards, causes several of them to lose their nerve, and then strikes up a suffrage movement in their favor." Celestia knit her brows. "Luna, some more relief."

The sixth bottle of whiskey floated out, pouring two glasses for them both. Luna downed hers and growled. "This Mono is going to be a royal pain in the ass."

Author's Note

I made that picture myself. With Whifi's vector of course. I couldn't see Celestia saying that any other way honestly.

I take so long to update because I have another story happening, and I edit everything myself. The next chapter is prewritten, and should be out by Friday the soonest and Sunday the latest. Enjoy the chapter, and I promise that everything will come full circle in due time.

Chapter 4- Publicity

"Hatred is an affair of the heart; contempt that of the head." ~Arthur Schopenhauer

"I don't want to. Tell Twilight to shove her request straight up her royal ass." I crossed my arms defiantly and frowned at this Quick Script mare. Because of Shining Armor's little shout-out to his all-powerful alicorn sister, Twilight knew about me. And if she knew about me, she would want to speak with me.

So she sent a request. And I rejected it.

Eleven times.

Hot damn this girl was persistent. I had been sitting around the stallions, teaching them how to build a makeshift catapult, when Script had to interrupt me. To show the stallions how to deal with such interruptions, I used the catapult against her the first time.

She didn't come back for an hour after that, probably a bath for the rotten fruit I got from the compost bin. Yet Twilight insisted she return, and by now I was pitying this mare.

As Quick Script tiredly turned to report back to Twilight Sparkle, I grabbed her tail. Her mane and tail were a bright shade of gold, and her eyes were the most piercing yellow I'd ever seen. Her horn matched her coat, a deep scarlet. Turning to look back at me, she focused her irked glare at me.

"What?!" Her eye twitched a little.

"Take a break, get away from Twilight. Blame it on me if you want, I don't care. I don't like Twilight, and just because she's a princess doesn't mean you have to bow to her every whim and carry it out." I scowled at her pensive face. "Don't you dare go back to her, you hear me? I'll take care of Princess Twilight."

I let her tail go and she took a deep breath. She felt her horn with a hoof before trotting away briskly. I guess I had that affect on ponies.

Stretching my back, I returned to the stallions. A lot of the guards were illiterate, which enraged me to no end. Now is not the time to rant, I'm telling a story.

Several literate guards had taken to teaching those who couldn't read how to do so exactly. It was refreshing, if a bit empowering. With so many guards that could learn and think for themselves, I might just have some backup against the princesses.

Sadly though, it wouldn't be in enough time. So I sucked it up, straightened my shoulder bag, and began my walk back to the throne room.

I guess I should mention that I got my stuff back when the guards accepted my help. One of the guards to Luna's room was brave enough to snatch it while she was sleeping, and he got a whole lot of thanks from me.

I realized that I had approached the doors to the throne room, the unguarded throne room, much faster than I had anticipated, and pushed open the heavy doors. Walking inside, I saw a pacing Twilight dressed in royal garb and the two usuals on their thrones, looking bored.

They straightened when they saw me, and Twilight practically exploded in my face when she caught sight of me.

"OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSH! YOU'RE AN ALIEN!"

I glared at her. "Back up, Mary Sue, I'm here to give you my twelfth rejection personally."

She looked like she had gotten punched in the ovaries, and Celestia and Luna looked on with interest.

"W- what… What do you mean you- You're rejecting my offer?" Twilight began to hyperventilate, breaking down in shakes and sweat. "I got rejected by an alien… The FIRST alien in Equestria! No… on Terran!"

I twirled my gloved hand around while my eyes rolled. "Geez, it's not like you asked me out on a date. Suck it up, ya frilly pony princess. Go learn more about the magic of friendship. Or better yet, get laid. I have more important matters to attend to, like getting home and teaching a bunch of grown men how to read."

I looked right at Celestia and Luna. "That's just embarrassing, guys."

Twilight popped an eyebrow. "Why do you refer to them so casually? They're the Princesses!"

I shrugged, saying, "So? I don't recognize them as my rulers. I'm from an entirely different world, why should I abide by their rules?" I spun around to face the heavy wooden doors again.

"Ta-ta now ladies, I have a coup to lead."

\\||||////

"A royal pain indeed," remarked Luna from her throne. Getting up from her seat, she went to Twilight. "Calm yourself, Sparkle. We assume he is not entirely used to our world just yet. After all, how could he know of us or our rule."

Celestia's brows were knit in thought while her mouth twisted into a confused 'O'. "Sister, Twilight…"

The two both looked at their elder. Celestia's face became stony and grim. "How does he know of Twilight's studies into the Magic of Friendship?"

Twilight's jaw dropped. "How does he know? Mono has only been here for what? A day? There's no way he could have found out. Did he speak with my brother about it?"

Luna shook her head. "Those two haven't been on speaking terms ever since Mono threatened you and Cadence." She snorted, "A likely thought!"

Celestia stood as well. "Sister, you forget that he resisted your magic. If he can resist magic, and is truly immune to it, then I don't see how we can harm him without weapons or physical combat."

Luna's mirthful expression drained, and she looked at her hooves. "I have heard reports from my Night Guard that he can cut off unicorns from using magic and render wings null from contact with him. Earth ponies also note that they feel physically weaker, and that lifting heavy items can be more of a chore than usual."

Twilight took note of this, literally writing everything the two had spouted about Mono.

"Do you think he could halt our immortality?" Twilight's question made Celestia and Luna's blood run cold. They all thought together, "Could he?"

He had never made any actual physical contact with any of them, so what adverse effects he could possibly enact on them were lost to them. But not to their imagination.

They thought of their flesh putrefying and their eyeballs shriveling up to nothing along with their wings. Their magical manes dying to embers and their horns crumbling to dust. And not a single thing would they be able to do as their tongues warped and dried into strips of jerky whilst their innards liquified.

Luna shook, Celestia's stare hardened further, and Twilight dropped her notebook. They all looked at each other and then at the page that Twilight's book had opened to in the fall.

A detailed sketch of Mono, grinning mischievously at them from the pages, as if daring them to challenge him.

\\||||////

I hadn't heard anything from any of the princesses after that, so I decided to do some talking with Script. It took me about an hour to find her at the canteen, but when I did I was glad.

She curled her hoof around a bottle, and was about to drink when it exploded in front of her in a cascade of shards and brownish booze. She stared back at me and my outstretched right arm that signified I had thrown something. Script set the fubar bottle down and turned to me calmly. "What?"

"I want to talk." I scrambled onto the high stool of the bar and rested my arms on the counter. "About what you do and how you can help me."

She sneered momentarily, about to laugh. "I want you to tell all of Canterlot about me."

She started chuckling, but then saw my serious as fuck expression and halted. "You're serious."

I narrowed my big brown eyes at her. "You're damn straight I am. The longer I stay a secret the bigger a deal it becomes. Let the cat, or rather the interplanetary alien, out of the bag sooner and we save ourselves a huge mess from the public."

She looked at me long and hard, her stare growing incredulous. "Why should I do this?"

My lips pulled into a smirk. "Because then you get to interview the first alien ever recorded to land in Equestria." I wiggled my eyebrows. "And to think it was something that he denied the princesses. Ooh, now that's controversial."

She tapped her hooves together nervously. "But that would be risky…"

I swiped my hand through the air dismissively. "Who cares?" My smirk turned into a manic grin. "It's provocative!"

Seeing the look on my face made her hesitate a moment longer, so I gave her the final push to get her on my side.

"And then you'll have all the attention of every single media outlet in Equestria. Being the princesses royal media consultant is great and all, but to be the envy of every single form of media in an entire nation?" I grabbed the edge of the stool and leaned back. "Shit~ I would be surprised if they didn't offer a fortune for even a bit of what I said! No pun intended."

Now she looked thoughtful. I looked positively confident. The bartender looked absolutely furious. "I suppose I could have just tapped her on the shoulder…"

Finally, she made her decision. "Fine then, how are we gonna do this?"

I hopped up on the stool and pulled my hat down tight over my head.

"Let's. Get. Dangerous."

\\||||////

A reporter stood in front of the castle, pulling his wide-brimmed hat down against a blowing wind. He looked right at a mirror, which was enchanted by the unicorn standing behind it to broadcast to anypony with a Sparkle Image Transistor.

The Transistor had been invented by Twilight Sparkle after she had found a way to easily transmit a mirror image across to other mirrors using a simple Amplification spell mixed with a Transition spell on the surface. The spell was easy to learn for many unicorns, and so became quickly adopted when a stallion named Penchant from Manehatten purchased the patent and decided to capitalize on this new tech.

He created the Sparkle Image Transistor, and encouraged several media companies to assist him. It struck big time, and pretty soon the price of one dropped to be available to all families. And right now every pony with one active could see this reporter speak.

"According to reports from a Quick Script inside Canterlot Castle, an alien being named Mono has made it his wish to be known! Whether or not this is truth cannot be confirmed yet, as-"

A sound that seemed like a murmur grew into an uproarious crowd appearing around the corner from the reporter. At its lead was a minuscule bipedal creature with a wide grin on its face, strutting down the street confidently.

"I- Is that…? Are you getting this?" The unicorn behind the mirror nodded briskly, keeping on the tiny thing down the street.

He walked right up to the reporter and the mirror, smiling widely. "What's good negro? I'd just like to say that zebras are better. Oh, and Twilight." He looked right at the mirror with a fierce glare in his eyes.

"Go eat a sausage, if you catch my drift. I am never going to answer your questions and I will never spend time with your friends. I don't like you and you are not best pony. I am hereby barring Princess Twilight Sparkle from interviewing me for my entire stay on this planet. Make like a peacock and jam your quills up your ass."

The reporter blushed deeply. "Um… oh wow, fillies and gentlecolts, we apologize for that. More on the alien after this break."

With a nod, the connection was cut off and half of Equestria stared slack-jawed at their screens.

Author's Note

What did Mono throw? AND WHEN DOES MONO MEET THE CMC?!

All in due time...

And what does this Penchant character bring to the table? I promise a full circle of fantastic continuity throughout the entirety of this preposterously ridiculous literary endeavor. Indubitably.

Chapter 5- Political Contender

Chapter 5- Political Contender

"We would all like to vote for the best man but he is never a candidate." ~Kin Hubbard

"Alright. I'm just stealing Princess Twilight's biggest wish, no big deal. I won't be thrown in a dungeon in the place that I'm banished to." Quick Script took a deep breath, calming her nerves slowly. "Easy peesy, lemon squeezy-"

"Will you just get on with it!" Mono's shouting snapped Script out of her trance, and she locked eyes with the frustrated human.

"S- sorry. Really nervous…"

Mono swiped his hand quickly. "Yeah yeah, sure. Not your fault anyways. Now, let's get to business. You have the questions?"

Script nodded. Mono dipped his head once and crossed his arms. "Then begin."

"Alright. Here goes nothing…"

\\||||////

Quick Script finished sorting the small stack of notes she had taken during the interview, piling the interview's dialogue itself right next to the first pile. She smiled contentedly, and sipped her afternoon brew.

This morning's interview had gone exceptionally well, and Mono was pretty amiable about the whole thing. He made slight smirks and grins that made her nervous when she asked about his diet and technology.

He swerved around the concept of technology about as gracefully as a flatbed with two wheels, and refused to delve into the matter further.

As the interview went on, she asked simple questions pertaining to himself and his own personal tastes.

By now, Mono had given full control of the Suffrage Movement to Shining Armor. Rumor had it Mono was planning something big.

Taking another sip, she locked the interview notes in a solid safe and cast several security enchantments upon it. She then turned it invisible before wrapping it in chains and placing several heavy duty padlocks upon it.

After that she buried it in dirty laundry and sat down in her desk, wiping sweat off of her brow.

Outside of her office in the palace, she heard whistling. Looking out the door to the right, she saw Mono strolling down the hallway casually. Script called out to him, "Where are you going, Mono?"

"Takin' a walk," he replied without even looking back. He turned the corner and disappeared.

\\||||////

I stepped outside of the gates of the palace and breathed that fresh mountain air. Smiling to myself a bit, I adjusted my bag and strut down the sidewalk. Ponies stared at me, and I noticed that a large crowd had begun forming around me within a few minutes.

Spinning around quickly, my eyes turned to white slits of anger and a huge red vein mark appeared on my clothed forehead. "STOP FOLLOWING ME AROUND. GODDAMN."

They scattered damn fast. Smiling again, I walked over to a nice little cafe on the corner. Digging into my pockets, I found twelve bits to pay.

The baffled waiter took my order of a milkshake with fumbling hooves, and scampered off to the kitchens. I, meanwhile, opened up my laptop and explored this familiar-yet-alien technology.

So, like I had changed, so had my computer. I saw no power indicator, bluetooth and internet were gone, and the time was already synced to Equestrian Standard. Grunting quickly, I flipped through my pony libraries.

Videos, Pictures, Artwork, and Stories were labeled as my folders. I checked each one respectively, and confirmed that nothing was missing or damaged. I scrolled over to my Photos folder. All of my family pictures were intact along with my friend, school, and vacation photos.

"Old project's, animations, movies, music, blah blah blah…"

"And let's open up Steam."

I gave a sigh while I watched it load. "No more late night gaming parties with friends…" It was depressing, watching it load. LIke a long train plummeting into a bottomless pit of abysmal darkness and pain . Finally it stopped and a familiar grey window appeared.

A pony somewhere dropped a coin, letting it clatter to the cobblestone, echoing loudly in my ears before fading out to nothing.

"WHUZZAT?"

Steam no longer existed. It was now renamed as Fission. "What the hell…?"

I think I may have shat myself there, the memory is a bit fuzzy. I quickly searched through my game library.

"WHERE DID THESE COME FROM?"

I scrolled through hundreds, if not thousands, of hours worth of interactive entertainment.

Once again, my pants became soiled. I saw that the message box was still in operation, and I little thought came into my head. However, there was a message already occupying the inbox.

I clicked it, and read a message from an anonymous user. "That's not even possible…"

Mono! Thought that abandoning you with the ponies would be a bit much without at least some form of entertainment. Don't abuse the system, though. Remember, I'm always watching. ~A

My eye was twitching, a rather unpleasant smell emanated from my undergarments, and I think my brain almost shut down. "There are much larger forces at work here…"

Ignoring the strange message, I opened up Andrew's chat box and sent a quick call for help. I gulped and slammed the laptop shut, shuffling away from the table and down a street.

I needed something to take my mind off this at the moment. Spotting a fancy white unicorn with a monocle gave me some rather radical ideas. "Hello Fancypants."

\\||||////

"Outside the castle?"

The guard nodded. His helmet fell atop his head due to the fact that his head was a bit too small. Celestia slumped back into her chair and groaned. "This is going to be a PR nightmare…"

The guard paced around nervously until Luna told him to leave. Nodding his head, he walked straight into a wall, allowing the helm to fall off.

Instead of a large unicorn stallion, a petite unicorn mare blinked her eyes and searched for the helmet. She found it and reached for it with her hooves, only to collapse under the weight of the armor.

"Help… me…" she squeaked.

Celestia and Luna held the bridges of their muzzles.

"This isn't going to work," Luna mumbled under her breath.

\\||||////

Mono walked back to the castle with two ponies in tow.

"So do you really believe that you can start such an enterprise so easily?" Fancy Pants raised an eyebrow while Fleur trotted by his side, eyeing the small human up and down with a suspicious squint.

"Twilight has an absolute hard-on for anything even remotely related to me, and her head is so far up Celestia's ass that ponies have started naming her Princess Enema. The only trouble would most likely be Shining Armor or Cadence, but they are currently secondary to the princesses. I'm also positive that Luna is interested in what I have to offer."

Fancy smiled, his brows rising in surprise. "You sound like you know them personally, Mono."

Mono smiled. "Of course, I've only seen most of their lives from across universes."

Fleur and Fancy, being the cool cats they were, took what Mono said in stride. They continued traveling to the castle with him, chatting about various topics, but still focusing on what Mono had proposed earlier.

"And who else are you thinking of inviting on this little endeavor?"

The chibi smiled fondly. "I know some guys. Flim and Flam, you may have heard of them?"

Fancy Pants snorted dismissively. "Oh, those two. Last time I remember seeing them they tried to sell me shoes." He looked down at Mono, his monocle popping free and swinging about. "Exactly what use do I have for shoes when I have hooves, Mono?! What use? Ugh… and with the songs and the corny slogans…"

"Don't worry, we'll… refine them. Get them into business, clean them up, show 'em how to rock a proper suit and tie."

"I can't really see you wearing such a thing, or having the manners to belong in the business world," the white mare spoke demurely. Mono recoiled. "Something wrong?"

Mono straightened his bag and coat. "Y- yeah. It's just that… I've never heard you actually speak more than a few words before. I thought you were more of the quiet type."

Fleur smiled politely, and the trio reached the castle grounds in no time. They moved inside and stopped immediately. What they saw made Mono absolutely furious.

Guards fought each other, tossing one another onto tables and pummeling their comrades with hooves of iron. Applebucks and swift, precise attacks demonstrated just how formidable they indeed were.

CLANG!

A guard fell to a heap amidst a broken flowerpot, the yellow daisy resting perfectly upon his head while his eyes swirled about.

"Two hours! I'm gone for two hours and this is what happens!"

Mono quickly hurried further inside the castle where more sounds of fighting could be heard.

In every room, Mono threw something rather heavy and dangerous, knocking one guard out cold in every room.

He reached the Grand Dining Room, and growled menacingly.

There, on top of the table, were two fencing stallions.

"BLUEBLOOD! SHINING ARMOR! JUST WHAT DO YOU FRUIT BASKETS THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

They each jumped, staring right at Mono.

\\||||////

"So, what you're saying is that you are the true prince?"

Blueblood nodded viciously. "Yes. And this common soldier thinks that he can just stroll in and claim whatever rightful place I have at the throne."

Shining Armor rolled his eyes. "Rightful place, my ass. Blueblood." The pompous prince sized Armor up. "Nopony likes you. I don't like you, and it's my job to protect you. If, for some odd reason, a massive beast were to attack this city, I would leave you behind in a heartbeat and claim you MIA."

The princesses strolled in from another adjacent room. I faced them, my arms crossed and foot tapping impatiently. "And where have you three been?"

"Busy," Luna remarked simply.

"Yeah, I'm sure you've been busy..."

The two kept arguing about who would make a better prince, with the princesses staring amusedly at them. This gave me a grand idea.

"Hold on there Prince Armoire!" Shining Armor glared at me and Blueblood began to snicker. "Shut your mouth, Blueballs!" His expression snapped into a glare faster than I thought possible.

"There's an easy way to clear this up."

All ponies leaned in. "Stop that!" They backed up. "Thank you, I need to breathe you know."

"What you princes need is…"

I smiled for what must have been the umpteenth time since I'd been here.

"A vote."

Author's Note

*insert racism claim here* Oh piss off. I'm Puerto-Rican, and that's close enough. This took so long because I was still deciding whether or not to change the Steam thing. Might still do that, depending on people's reactions. I'm still deciding whether or not to stick with it or not, but for now: meh.

Do let me know what you think. If bad, let me know. If okay, let me know. I'll have to adjust some of the future of the story later, however, based on your decisions. To be honest I'm still pretty disappointed with this chapter, so I need to make up for it with some massive story development in the future. Oh yeah.

Chapter 6- Reality Check

You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude towards what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you. ~Brian Tracy

"So how exactly does this work?"

I rolled my eyes and jabbed a finger into Shining's chest plate to punctuate each word. "They. Pick. Who. Leads. Them!" I turned back to the podium, messing with a few wires and boxes. Where did I learn to wire? I have no idea, but I was doing it now like I was simply scratching an itch.

Tapping the shoddy jury-rigged microphone, I shrugged my shoulders at the duct-tape encased thing and hopped off my stool. "There's your podium, and I hope you both have speeches ready. Shining begins at…" I checked my ipod for the time.

"…four fifty. Blueblood, you're on directly after him."

"I am after him? This is an outrage! How can I be placed after this lowly foot soldier? I deserve the first speech, not that it matters anyway, as they will assuredly vote for me." Blueblood's voice became quite… squawky when he got heated about something.

"You just dug yourself a grave, Prince Pout," I chuckled amusedly. "Murphy's Law will bite him in the ass eventually." Strolling away, I took a look at the ipod in my hand and smiled happily.

Selecting a song from my library, I continued to a room that had been set aside for me thanks to the guards once again. Inside were Fleur and Fancy. They saw me and smiled, setting their tea cups down gently.

"Ah, hello Mono. Shall we continue our previous conversation?"

I hopped onto the bed, while they sat on a posh couch opposite me. "That's the plan, Fancy. Now, let's talk tech."

Fleur cocked her head. "Tech?" I grinned, slipping my laptop out of my bag. I swiftly jammed my password in like a caffeine-infused blue hedgehog, and tapped enter. When the screen lit up fully, the two upper crust ponies leaned in closer to look.

I quickly opened my images folder, sorting through the good memories and fun excursions of summer camp and the family cookout. Watching their baffled expressions, I opened Photobooth.

They stared at themselves in the screen, and I chattered, "Smile!"

I took the photo and showed them the finished product: two flabbergasted ponies who were spitting-images of themselves. A photo, of course.

"Did you just…"

I grinned. "Take a photo? Yes I did. I can also play games, write documents, draw, and message others from across the world."

Now they were very interested.

\\||||////

We all sat in the rather large auditorium, my piece of crap podium onstage. The red curtains sidled on both sides of the stage while both candidates got ready behind each of them. I sat down in the back of the entire procession on a stool. The princesses decided on front row seats, much to the chagrin of the now-rebellious guards.

"Get out of the way! You're too damn tall! Why the front seat? WHY?"

Quick Script sat just beside me, while Fleur and Fancy were off to do some mathematics and some currency magic back at my room. I checked the time: four fifty nine.

"This better be snappy," I grumbled to Script. I still wanted to stroll around and make rude observations of ponies in the streets. Not only that, but I wanted to somehow find Flim and Flam to help jumpstart everything. I tapped the stool lightly, and Shining Armor walked onto the stage from my left.

He trotted to the podium and cleared his throat a few times, gazing out at all of the guards as well as the princesses.

"Ahem~ I am Prince Captain Shining Armor. I have a dream. A dream where stallions can rule with the Princesses. I dream that one day mares can see us stallions for what we are: hard-working and deeply passionate about our lines of work. I have a dream in which our horizons may be expanded, expanded to the point where we hold the same offices and positions as mares themselves."

Shining cleared his throat once again, taking a steady breath afterwards.

"Fifty score and some odd years ago, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna had a cataclysmic battle over jealousy. I hold no such feelings of jealousy, and to be honest, I just want stallions to be held in the same light as mares. Whether I become a ruler or not does not impede the fact that things must change. Life must change."

He stood on his hind legs, gripping the sides of the podium fiercely.

"Because I know things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. Our borders are pushed on all sides by opposing forces and every day another soldier comes back wounded. Our tents are unfit for service and our weapons have seen their use. I'm not going to tell you stallions to pray to Faust or beg the Princesses for help. I'm not going to ask you to requisition supplies because they know damn well what we need."

He slammed his hoof onto the podium, making it shake. I winced when I thought of the wiring, but oh well.

"We need respect!" All I ever see are mares getting promotions and high-paying jobs! In order to be wealthy it's as if you are required to be a noble or be descended from one with preposterous amounts of wealth! While stallions take care of the young and pull the plows, the mares are running for mayor or building aqueducts in Roam! While we risk our lives on the front lines, mares stay behind us and go about their merry lives! We're downplayed when we are physically tougher and stronger than most mares! We've undergone military training, and we've seen things most ponies haven't!"

He now started to shake one hoof in the air.

"I faced down a creature of darkness, fear, and hate! What backup did I get? My sister and her friends! Where were the Princesses?! If they've beaten him once before, why not do it again? And what were they doing while Cady, a ragtag bunch of teens, and myself faced off against this beast? THEY DID NOTHING!"

He now got off the podium and paced around, his voice loud enough to be heard without the mic.

"THEY SAT HERE IN THEIR POSH THRONES AND SIPPED TEA! WHEN NIGHTMARE MOON RETURNED CELESTIA NEGLECTED TO ACT, INSTEAD GAMBLING WITH TIME! WHAT IF TWILIGHT HADN'T FOUND HER FRIENDS? WE'D ALL BE DEAD! OR WORSE! DURING DISCORD'S ROMP, SHE DID NOTHING, ONCE AGAIN FALLING BACK ON THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY LIKE A SOFT PILLOW! AND WHEN SHE DID DECIDE TO BATTLE, SHE WAS DEFEATED! WHILE I WAS A PRISONER IN MY OWN MIND, CELESTIA COULDN'T EVEN NOTICE THAT CADY WAS ACTUALLY CHRYSALIS!"

He pointed an angry hoof right at the princesses.

"YOU'RE LAUGHABLE AT BEST! USEFUL AS A PILE OF ROCKS AT WORST! YOU DO NOTHING FOR US, AND ALL YOU'RE GOOD FOR IS RAISING THE SUN!"

He looked out to the stallions.

"AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT I FOUND OUT FROM TWILIGHT'S FANCY BOOKS?"

They all shook their armored heads. Celestia and Luna went rigid. Shining Armor bellowed right in their faces his miraculous find.

"THE SUN AND MOON MOVE ALL BY THEMSELVES!" He bellowed 'themselves' for a pretty long time, and soon afterwards all went silent. All eyes were now on Celestia and Luna, who grinned nervously, tapping their hooves together awkwardly.

"N- now now…"

"THEY HAVE BEEN DISRUPTING THE NATURAL CYCLE OF THE SUN AND MOON FOR EONS! WE SHOULD BE TWENTY TWO YEARS AHEAD BY NOW! BUT NO, SOMEPONY DOESN'T WANT TO BE UP SO EARLY, DOES SHE?"

I leaned over to the gawking mare beside me.

"Nevermind, this is pretty good."

Trotting back to the podium, Shining swept some mane back and huffed. "Prince Shining Armor, for the good of all Equestria."

He stepped off to the side to uproarious applause, while the princesses shrunk in their seats in embarrassment. However much they minimized their posture, however, they couldn't stop themselves from sticking out like the Amish at a nuclear power plant.

Stepping on stage next was Blueballs, of which I had run out of creative names for at the moment. He had no papers nor anything to drink, and he trotted to the podium indignantly.

I heard the worst feedback my ears have ever been forced to endure, the mic letting out an unpleasant squealing noise that not a single other pony seemed to notice.

Somebody also didn't notice that they dropped some change, as the telltale clinking was pretty clear. It vanished soon after in a ghostly echo, and I turned my attention back to the podium.

Blueblood leveled his eyes at the princesses, and then stared into the crowd with a gaze as stern as Shining Armor's.

"Gentlecolts, I am the clear choice for your vote," he began. The mic let out another squeal, and what came next nearly made the entire palace crumble.

BWWWWOOOOOOOMMMMM

Amidst the bass-filled reverberation were faint calls for assistance. I pulled myself up from the floor, the stool had clattered off somewhere when Script fell into me. The bass had been so powerful that it had literally sent every pony in the first three rows sprawling backwards, princesses included.

Blueblood laid collapsed on the stage, and Shining Armor was already by his side, checking for injuries. Even from here I could tell there was blood dripping from the snooty prince's ears.

I was hit in the shoulder by something, and I realized it was Fancy Pants. His mouth moved, but no words reached my ears. I tapped the sides of my head and shook it to and fro, and he nodded. He moved to help other ponies, namely the princesses.

Quick Script was doing much the same as well, and Fleur had gone off somewhere, most likely fetching medical crew.

I staggered towards the stage, feeling wetness behind the flaps of my hat, grimacing the entire time. I managed to clamber up onto the wooden mesa, hoisting myself up and over the massive lip.

As soon as I looked up, I was pulled into the air and held there. A tall, misty form seemed to glower in front of me, and then it spoke, albeit briefly.

I told you not to do that, Mono. You should listen more, it'll save you time and consciousness.

I blinked. "Consciousness?"

The mist dropped me, and I kept on falling down…

And down…

And down.

\\||||////

"-ono? Mono? MONO!"

A hoof clapped the back of my head, and I winced at the pain it caused me. I looked about me. I was still in the auditorium.

"Blueblood is about to make his speech, you drifted off after Shining Armor's." Quick Script shuffled in her seat to make herself more comfortable. My stare became distant.

"What did he say about the princesses?"

Fleur waved her hoof. "Not very much, truly. How they are magnificent rulers, but that now was the time for change. Also he explained that he could rule alongside them and really do some good for everypony."

Fancy Pants nodded. "Yes, that was the gist of his speech, though it was far more passionate, the way he spoke it."

I directed my attention to the smiling princesses and felt a chill go down my spine.

"Much more powerful forces at work here…" I sighed and straightened on my stool, watching Blueblood get onstage.

\\||||////

Mono's deadpan stare created a sort of slumping aura around him as his posse accompanied him down the hallway. "Well, that was…"

"Crap," finished Quick Script, her expression mirroring Mono's. Blueblood's presentation was exponentially awful. No one was expecting much, but that was just embarrassing.

"Claiming that one's, ahem, unmentionables are more bountiful than their counterpart's is just low-class. You would think that a noble such as himself would be more dignified than to say something like that." Fleur's face was equally flat.

"And the unicorn master race claim just killed any chance he had at even stepping close to the throne. I can't believe he compared the pegasi to seagulls…" Fancy Pants' completed the collection of deadpans, his monocle nearly flatted from the pressure his brow was exerting upon it.

Unwittingly, Mono had begun to assemble a team. A team that would hopefully advance the plot of this story FUCKING SOMETIME.

Author's Note

OMNIPOTENT BEING. Who could this mysterious mystery mist be? It's pretty obvious if you look for context cues, but it'll still be a twist. Anywho, I apologize for the language at the end, but I'm realizing that this story isn't advancing fast enough.

Also, a lot of people seem to think he's Cartman. And that he sounds like Cartman. While this is amusing, there is no way I would allow Mono to live if he had that voice.

Still fun to imagine, though.

NEXT CHAPTER: "She is best pony. Best pony mine now."

Chapter 8- Cutie Mark Conspirators

The sun shone outside Mono's window. Sitting up, he watched the sunlight with a pouty expression. "Goddamn… motherfubbgg… AH FUCK!"

Mono tumbled out of bed to fall quite a long way to the floor, hitting the polished marble with a crunchy thud. Groaning, he shook himself and placed his hand on a beam for balance.

"Beam…?"

The second he put weight on the beam, it flew away from him, causing Mono to once again kiss the floor. Pulling himself up, the chibi righted himself and looked about him. The 'beam' he had leaned against was actually a part of the rolling tray table that a maid pony had brought in.

The food that had been laid atop of said tray was now splattered against the wall.

Snatching up his things, Mono kicked the door open roughly. He set one foot out the door, and suddenly he was flung back into his room, his body pressed against the wall opposite the entryway. Mono opened his eyes, and stared at the closed door.

On the knob to the right was a thick rubber band attached to the wall on the left. Opening the door with this on would cause it to swing back… violently. Mono removed the band and slipped it into his bag.

He walked out of the room and shut the door, making his way down the hall.

"Since when is there a rug here?"

Without heeding the obvious, he fell into a pitfall hidden under the rug.

Flames of blistering anger erupted from the hole in the floor.

\\||||////

"Somebody's pranking me, and I'm going to find them and redefine revenge."

I was pissed. Real pissed. I stomped down through the dining room amongst several of the noble's, giving suspicious looks to all of them. I sat down and began eating my meal in silence, chewing my eggs and buttered toast slowly.

As I ate, the Crusaders hopped onto the chairs across from me, their hooves folded calmly. I glared at them, attempting to will a black hole to appear inside of their stomachs, ripping them into shreds and pulling them through reality.

Only Applebloom and Scootaloo though, because Sweetie Belle is best pony.

"Mono," Applebloom said primly.

"What the hell do you want, hillbilly?"

Applebloom didn't react, she simply nodded to Scootaloo. "You owe Sweetie Belle. And us, to an extent."

I quirked an eyebrow. "Oh? I do? Well good luck getting whatever it is you're trying to extort out of me." I slurped up some of the bacon wetly.

"I don't think you understand, Mono. We're holding a favor over you." Sweetie Belle leaned forward, her eyes narrowing. "And we can call it any time we want."

I giggled at first, because Sweetie just talked smack to me, but then my glare returned. "You serious?"

Sweetie leaned back, and they all nodded again. I sipped some of my orange juice out of a straw, and leaned back in my chair. "And if I don't accept this extortion?"

Applebloom and Scootaloo leaned over to Sweetie Belle. Sweetie Belle whispered in their ears. Something about "blackmail". The two fillies murmured "oh" and then looked back at me contemptuously.

"Then we keep our agent on you. This agent is the best of the best, and doesn't come cheap, so you can expect to be pranked constantly."

I choked on my beverage, and it exploded out of my nostrils. "Th- that was you?!"

The three got up and began trotting away. Sweetie Belle flicked her tail once, and then snorted. "More like that was me. I have a certain way with words. Call it, persuasion."

I sat, dumbfounded, in my chair as the three fillies trotted away.

I grinned, crossing my arms.

"Clever girl…"

\\||||////

I stomped out of the bathroom, the soggy snake clutched in my grip. Throwing the cardboard snake to the ground, I shouted into the castle.

"PUTTING A POP-UP SNAKE IN A TOILET BOWL ISN'T FUCKING FUNNY! I'LL TEAR OUT YOUR LUNGS, YOU PIECE OF GARBAGE!"

I made my way around the corner, and promptly hit a painting detailed to look like the hallway, perspective and all. "GAAAAAAAH!!!"

I smashed through it and proceeded to the gardens, where Fleur and Fancy had told me to meet them. Seeing no one in the immediate vicinity, I took a seat on the stone bench, swinging my legs absent-mindedly.

"Okay. For someone to prank me they would need to know how I act, how I move, and where I usually go. They've been able to successfully set up traps consecutively, almost playing on my next move before it happens."

I stared up at the midday sun with a glare.

And what I thought was stone turned out to be meticulously-placed and well-packed gravel, leaving me buried in rubble.

I flailed my arms around in a rage, little bits of the smashed debris flinging around. After a minute I stopped and sulked in my brooding fury.

After a maid had come and dug me out, I headed to the library. In that short walk, I took a bean-bag to the gut, a tumble down some oil-slick stairs, and I was now soaked to the bone after opening the doors.

Steam billowed off of my head, the water evaporating as if on a grill. Sitting down hard, I asked for the librarian. She trotted over, and I requested a book on spacial continuums. She nodded and fetched the book, and before long I was reading The Beginners Book to Teleportation and Void-manipulation.

A full twenty minutes and not a single prank. This was good. I finished sketching the plan in a pad I had nabbed while I had a crab stuck atop my head at Doctor Stitch's office.

Whether or not it would work or not would be based upon my suspicions of who was planning and executing all of these traps. If done correctly, the culprit would be revealed and stopped using a combination of many tools.

Snorting, I rose to my feet and slipped the notepad inside my shoulder bag.

I opened the door to the library and stepped on a rake.

\\||||////

While I sat in the dining hall rubbing the red line across my face, I realized that I had been most likely bested. And so I sat there in defeat while the CMC once again took their seats in front of me, folding their hooves with straight faces.

"So we assume that you've given up?"

I grunted in response. The three smiled. At once, they looked up.

"Come on out Rainbow!"

Rainbow Dash descended smugly from the ceiling, her magenta eyes locked on my brown ones. "Well well well, seems like somepony put the high and mighty alien in his place! And who?"

Scootaloo got up onto the table. "Rainbow Dash, that's who!" She threw her hooves up in cheer. Rainbow Dash grinned, swiveling her head to look at Scootaloo.

"That's right," she said, oozing confidence. She took a step towards me. "And that's…" Another step. "Why you don't mess…" She placed her hoof between my hands, and her face pressed against mine.

"With Rainbow Da-" I pushed away from her, my chair sliding back with me. The trigger that she stepped on had a two-second delay, so I would be safe.

Before she could jerk her head back, the rake flew up, carrying the chair with it. I catapulted across the table, waving to a dumbstruck Scootaloo who still had her hooves in the air.

The chair hit Rainbow Dash in the face, and sent her onto her back. Immediately, a piece of the table sprung up and ejected her into the air. Righting herself, she saw the incoming bucket of water that the trigger had activated, and flew to her right.

She hit a painting of the ceiling head-on, and spiraled down again. She managed to catch herself in the confusion, but was then doused by the falling water.

The water made her feathers soggy, and she fell onto the table yet again. The impact prompted a plate beneath her to let loose the rubber band on the other side of the table, which I had previously hooked underneath on a mechanism as to conceal it. The rubber band, now propped above the table thanks to the gizmo, snapped into her backside, making her yelp in pain.

While her mouth was open, a jar of sickly yellow fluid splashed across her muzzle and caused her eyes to water and bulge. She hit the floor reeking of two-day-old urine and shame.

"OH FAUST SOMEPONY TEAR OUT MY LUNGS!"

I slipped my arms around the three fillies and smiled warmly.

"So, what'd you girls need again? I'm all ears."

"IT TASTES LIKE DEATH!"

\\||||////

So, in the end all I had to do was join Ponyville's team during the Harmonious Sports Tournament coming up. Apparently it was still the middle of the summer, and by now I had thought about getting a calendar.

I had already read that teleportation book, and I now saw that leaving this planet was next to impossible.

The only way to leave was by magic. Ain't life a bitch?

So, at the moment, all I had to do was skate by the entire money problem by using the princesses and their luxurious castle. It baffled me as to how I hadn't been accused of leeching off of them yet.

When I got back to my room, I saw that Fleur and Fancy were inside. Both were smiling, and Fancy Pants held the pen with his magical glow.

"Ah! So how'd it work out?"

"At first? Not so well," Fancy Pants responded cautiously. I furrowed my eyebrows.

"Not so well? It's a fuckin' pen! What's the worst that could have happened?"

"Well, you were a bit caught up in the whole pranking business to fully realize what was going on, I suppose. Let us fill you in." Fleur sat down beside me and told me all about what my pen had caused.

\\||||////

Princess Twilight hurried out of the throne room, the pen in her purple aura. "I MUST KNOW WHAT IT DOES."

Celestia burst out the wall, sending one of the doors careening down the hall in a flurry of masonry and splinters. "TWILIGHT SPARKLE. RETURN THE WEAPON AT ONCE."

Twilight held the pen closer, her glare defiant and determined. "YOU KNOW I CAN'T DO THAT, PRINCESS! THIS TECHNOLOGY COULD SAVE EQUESTRIA FROM ANY THREAT KNOWN TO PONYKIND. THERE IS NO WAY I'D BE WILLING TO GIVE IT UP."

Celestia's wings unfurled, and the marble around her bubbled and melted down into molten rock. "I GIVE YOU ONE LAST WARNING, MY FAITHFUL STUDENT. DO NOT CHALLENGE ME."

"THE POWER IS MINE!" Twilight and Celestia fired golden and purple beams at each other, quickly creating a well of magical energy in the center. The well imploded, blasting apart everything in its radius and sending both princesses in opposite directions.

Righting themselves successfully, they both blasted through the ceiling and through several floors before bursting into the mid-afternoon sky. Twilight tucked the pen inside her tail and spun to face her mentor, only to receive a truck-sized chunk of dirt to the face.

Twilight shook her mane of the earth and witnessed Celestia's tackle form. Celestia rammed into Twilight, and the two of them once again hurtled to the earth, exploding towers and balconies alike.

Once in the courtyard, Twilight went on the offensive, leaping away from her challenger and firing off multiple magic bolts. The bolts glanced off of Celestia's wings, which whipped around her at incomprehensible speeds.

Celestia locked eyes with her student while the tower in the back exploded and crumbled for no reason whatsoever.

It looked fucking badass.

Celestia fired her own concentrated blast of magic, spraying golden sparks and clods of dirt every which way. Twilight Sparkle appeared right behind the princess in a flash of purple, and fired a force field into Celestia's surprised face.

Celestia, now incapacitated on the ground, edged away from the glowering Twilight Sparkle, who was now mad for power. Levitating the pen above her, she positioned it point-down towards the princess.

"Any last words, Princess?" she spat venomously. Celestia looked around for something, anything, that could possibly save her. Spotting a lone board, she grimaced and snatched it up, bringing it up in time to block the pen's rapid descent.

All was silent. Twilight stared at the board in shock, before placing the pen upon it again and swirling it around. Her expression of shock turned into one of excitement.

Twilight snatched Celestia in a bone-crushing god-hug. "IT'S A QUILL!"

Celestia looked at the board, and saw that it was in fact a clipboard. She observed as Twilight wrote her own name upon it, right next to a small number. Around the small number were sketches of Mono with demon horns and swords through his chest, as well as a few beheaded versions. Among these pencil sketches were the sentences, "I AM NOT MENTALLY CHALLENGED" and "MAMA ISN'T A BAT."

\\||||////

"Wow. So they had a battle royale and I missed it? Crap." I crossed my arms and pouted. Fancy levitated a scroll up to me and dropped it in my lap. He smiled knowingly.

"That's not the big deal, Mono. The big deal is…"

"Your pen was a major hit, and Princess Twilight used the entire tube of ink in one sitting. She wants more, and she wants them mass produced." Fleur's grin couldn't be bigger, and pretty soon Fancy joined too.

My look of bafflement was replaced by raucous laughter, and we were all in tears from laughing so hard. I wiped mine away and we all began to calm down.

"Well," I said, "it's a shame my plan to have the princesses kill each other didn't work out…"

"WHAT?!"

~~I'M CURRENTLY~~

Author's Note

THIS CHAPTER REQUIRES EXCESSIVE USE OF CAPITAL LETTERS. ARE YOU READING THIS AS A SCREAMING VOICE IN YOUR HEAD? PROBABLY. I HAVE BEEN GONE FOR A LONG TIME BECAUSE ~~I'M CURRENTLY~~ I WAS WRAPPING UP ~~WINTER~~ CHAPTER NINE OF SLIME CITY.

ALSO I'VE BEEN PLAYING ALOT OF BORDERLANDS AND TF2. ARE YOU STILL IMAGINING ME YELLING? GOOD.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Chapter 9- Mo' Money, Mo' Migraines

"No. No. No no. Uh-uh. Mmmm-nah. Noperoni. Like Tartarus!" Quick Script sorted through several letters offering varying offers for her interview. Said interview was still locked up tight behind her under half a ton of soiled bedspreads and socks.

"Oh, sure. Like I'd take that much!" She threw another crumpled letter in the trash. "So… frustrating…"

She opened up yet another letter, and she cocked her head at the peculiar script. She squinted her eyes as she attempted to read it, but ultimately shook her head and put it to the side.

"I'll need a translator for that, I suppose."

Script continued to sort through her mail, dismissing or outright tearing them apart through her magic.

She came to the very last letter in her mountainous pile. It was addressed to her, from Ponyville.

"Ponyville? What…"

She tore it open and began reading.

Dear Ms. Quick Script,

Here in Ponyville, we have taken offense to Mono's curt and rude behavior towards the Princesses. We have seen him humiliate and insult them on live Transistor, as well as doubt their life-giving power and endless grace.

We have reached out to Fillydelphia, Manehatten, Appleoosa, and your fair city of Canterlot for those who agree with us. The results we obtained were staggering, and so we have bound together to support the decision that would oust Mono from Equestria.

Already he has caused problems in our fair nation. He is hurting our traditions and customs, as well as our way of life. Surely you can relate? Don't let this little Tartarus Fiend burn down Equestria.

A concerned, loyal citizen,

Lyra Heartstrings

\\||||////

"Lyra Heartstrings?" Mono sipped his morning tea slowly, listening to Quick Script's explanation of the civilian complaint. Script's face contorted into worry.

"Mono! I have to give this to the Princesses! I don't have a choice in the matter! Even if it is addressed to me, I am required to pass it on to the Princesses if it involves foreign affairs," she explained quickly.

"But we're in Equestria," the human countered. Quick shook her head.

"But you are still a foreigner. You haven't even taken the citizenship exam. As of right now, you are an illegal alien!"

Mono became deathly quiet, the sound of birds chirping being the only stimuli. Mono suddenly threw his tea, cup and all, out the window. He stood up and zipped over to Script in the blink of an eye.

"What do we have to do?"

"IT BURNS, IT BURNS!"

Mono's gaze shifted to the window. "Ignore that."

\\||||////

Quick Script sat at a table with Mono in the Royal Library. Several books lay upon the table, ranging from etiquette to history to mating positions.

"Let me just, grab that back…" The embarrassed mare scooped the book back into her saddlebag and blushed heavily under Mono's critical eye. With a snort, he flipped open the first title.

"Ah. So history first! Now you should start at-"

"Done."

"Wha- What?" Quick Script stared at Mono's serious deadpan expression, as well as the closed book in front of him. She gaped at the back of the cover and turned her attention to the boy.

"That book was eight-hundred pages long!" She snatched it up and flipped through with her magic. Closing it, she looked right back at Mono. "How?"

Mono grabbed another book, and opened it carefully. With a wry grin, his body began to vibrate, and he turned his attention to the book. His eyes blurred back and forth as his hands sped through the pages. Slamming the book closed, he passed it to the shocked mare.

"Super speed, remember? I assume that anything in my body or in contact with it experiences the same effect. I have the ability and right to cheat, don't I?" His smile grew wider while he grabbed another book. Tearing through it, he continued unhindered by Script.

An hour later, and Quick Script was leading Mono down the halls to meet the Princesses.

\\||||////

"Are you ready to begin?"

Mono nodded quickly.

"Very well. Name?"

"Mono Nucleosis."

"Are you a resident of Equestria?"

"Why yes, and my brother is an alicorn!"

"Get serious, Mono."

"Fine. No. I am a resident of the city of Townsville, USA."

"Townsville? You can't really expect us to-"

"Ponyville? Yeah, shut the hell up, Lulu."

"Moving on. And sister, calm yourself. Age?"

"None of your business."

"Why so protective?"

"How old are you, granny?"

"…"

"That's what I thought."

"Occupation?"

"Kicking ass and taking names."

"I thought I told you-"

"Do you have a problem with my profession? I get six figures and health benefits, so shove off."

"Any family, friends, or distant relatives in Equestria?"

"More like business partners, so no."

"Who founded Equestria?"

"The three pony tribes, united under a single banner due to the friendship of three ponies."

"What were their names?"

"Private Pansy. Clover the Clever. Smart Cookie."

The questions and answers continued to flow, the Princesses both surprised at Mono's perfect and spot-on answers.

"What is four-thousand and seventy-three multiplied by eighty-six?"

"Three-hundred fifty thousand, two-hundred and seventy eight."

Luna crossed her hooves and pouted. "Damn."

"Very well, it seems you have passed the Equestrian Citizenship Exam, as impromptu and unexpected as it was. You are now a full Equestrian Citizen with the same rights and responsibilities as everypony else."

Mono beamed, getting up from his sitting position and moving towards the doors. Celestia cleared her throat and the itty-bitty human turned his head to meet their gazes. "Not so fast Mono," Princess Celestia chimed.

Luna's face twisted into a dark grin. "You have nearly a week's worth of unpaid fees from the palace, as well as the taxes applied to them."

Mono's shocked expression seemed to darken the area around him with an oppressive gloom. Three lines traced down from one wide, black-rimmed white eye while his jaw hung past his head to reach his chest.

The Princesses laughed maniacally.

\\||||////

Fancy Pants' jaw hung wide. "Eight-thousand bits!" He paced back and forth from one side of Mono's room to the other. "How are we supposed to scrounge together eight-thousand bits?"

"I have until the end of the month, when's that?"

Quick Script shifted her gaze to Mono with a shred of disappointment. "Get a calendar…"

"That's the end of June, Mono! That's two weeks away." Fleur was picking through a saddlebag furiously, throwing papers and magazines about frantically. "We can't cover that much! We'd need help! The nobles maybe, but…"

Quick Script put a hoof on Mono's shoulder. "Mono. There is something we can do."

Mono turned his head to look up at the red mare. "I'm not going to like this, am I?"

She frowned slightly.

"Nope."

\\||||////

"You have a proposition to offer us, I believe?" Luna sat in her throne alongside Celestia, and Twilight stood to Luna's side. Mono fidgeted with his hands momentarily, then scowled and forced them into his pockets.

He grumbled in response.

"Hmm?" Celestia perked her ears.

"Yes," Mono strained out of his teeth, which were currently trying to pulverize each other into enamel dust.

Oh? And what would your offer be?"

Mono looked away, a blush coming across his cheeks from the flushing anger rushing through his very being. His hands retreated from the confines of his pockets as fists, and they shook while he clenched them tightly.

"I'll let each of you…" He grit his teeth with fury.

"I'LL GIVE EACH OF YOU WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME WITH THE EXCEPTION OF ANYTHING INTIMATE!" The three Princesses regarded Mono curiously. The bite-size human pulled the front of his hat over his eyes in a sorry attempt to conceal his rage. The large set of red veins on the top of his head was plenty of indication.

"I PICK FIRST!" Luna's hoof shot into the air before Twilight's, and she grinned victoriously. Looking down upon the fuming human, she demanded her token.

"I will enter into your dream, and pick through your mind about your favorite hobbies and activities."

Mono shifted uncomfortably, but groaned and crossed his arms. "Fine." "Magic doesn't work on me anyway," he thought in relief.

Twilight spoke up next. "I would like to personally test all types of magic on you, including Princess Luna's Dreamsculpt magic."

Luna wagged her hoof. "Ah ah ah, dear Twilight! Dreamsculpt is not magic," she grinned whilst looking right at Mono. "It's a telepathic connection to any living being currently under the effects of mental hibernation, also known as dreaming."

"Fuck me sideways, backwards, and upside-down."

"Oh, well alright then, Princess. You next Princess Celestia."

Celestia placed a hoof to her muzzle, scrutinizing Mono and his uneasy expression. After a full twenty seconds of straight staring at him, Princess Celestia closed her eyes and spoke.

"You are to demonstrate your understanding of Friendship to a team of highly esteemed individuals studying magic, including Twilight Sparkle."

"Okay…"

"While you bake a cake and ride a unicycle."

"Just push that little red button. Got it? Cool…"

Mono slammed his head into the floor fast and hard enough to make the floor buckle. The solid marble floor.

"Princess Celestia~ Mono broke physics!" Twilight whined over Mono's growing migraine.

Author's Note

Sorry for lack of updates, but I'm trying to synchronize this with Slime City. Spoiler alert: Chapter 11.

Next Chapter: Well I blew cover, but that's just fine. There are always other pawns to play.

Chapter 10- Under the Hood

I woke up to the sound of chirping birds and incessant banging. Grumbling, I snatched the clock on my nightstand to be thrown as a lethal projectile. Slowly but surely, I dragged myself to the window and scowled while I searched for the bastard with the hammer.

In time, I found the perpetrator, but my aim wavered for a single moment and I missed. The clock ricocheted off of a gutter and blew apart into gears, glass, and springs. The nails holding the gutter in place began to come loose, and the entire structure started to shudder.

The stallion with the hammer didn't notice though, and he kept swinging the hammer in his magic. With a pop and a groan, the gutter came swinging like a golf club.

I watched with mild interest as the drain swung in a perfect trajectory to hit the stallion upside the right of his head.

CLANG.

I winced and backed away from the window, turning around in the process. "Welp, better get Stitches."

And so I strolled out of my room and into the decorative hallway, where the guards roamed aplenty and the servants served the pompous douchebags known as royals.

Every so often would the royals enjoy a verbal beat down from yours truly, one that many of the common folk would enjoy. They knew, however, not to stick around. I have a tendency to retain some of the pent-up anger even after the target of my abuse has run away in tears and shame.

The guards had consistently attempted to use their new expanded vocabulary, but they always used the incorrect words at the most incorrect times.

The best one still had been, 'superfluous language'. Poor fool thought that it meant that an object was extremely fluid, and thus got a scolding from a tourist visiting from Saddle Arabia. Shit was hysterical.

But, as I was saying, I made it to Doctor Sure Bitch's office in the medical ward and hopped onto her desk.

"Stitches," I said evenly.

"What is it, Mono?" She regarded me with an emotionless, unfazed stare.

"Some stallion gut smacked in the head with a gutter, he needs medical attention."

Sure Stitch stood, rubbed the bridge of her snout with a single hoof, and groaned. She had grown used to my shit after only a few days, and the injuries that had been culminating from my being here in the palace.

"What did you do?"

"I threw a clock and I missed. Then the clock hit the gutter and I socked him good." I crossed my arms and grinned broadly. "I simply can't lose."

\\||||////

Princess Luna had begun preparing for the Dreamsculpt event with Mono two days ago. Since she needed him to be unaware, she chose tonight to initiate the ability. All she had to do to establish a strong connection was get close to him and fall asleep herself.

She was spending most of her time strolling along the ebony hallways, pondering scenarios and situations and what events with which to manipulate them.

She had been so busy, she almost missed a rather odd feature on one of the guards. Halting her trotting, she moved into the guards face and stared at him in mild confusion.

"Guard, is your helm sufficiently enchanted?"

The Night Guard tilted his head and cocked a single eyebrow. "Yes, m'lady. As far as I can tell, this helmet is fully enchanted and working at its full capacity. Is something the matter with it, Princess?"

Luna inched closer to the Guard's eyes, taking in the absolutely stunning detail entwined within them. Unlike the normal, untextured iris that all creatures on Terran owned, this Guard was a curious exception.

Structures of overlaying strands made up the chocolate-brown eyes of this Guard, seemingly weaved of fine silk, with the pupil a pearl of black amongst the huge orb. Small red threads crisscrossed over the sclera and lighter pink threads mixed in with them.

Luna became enraptured by the eyes for a moment, then blinked. She retracted her head and narrowed her eyes at the Guard.

"Guard, remove your helm," she spoke in a commanding tone. The Guard visibly stiffened.

"But, Princess…" He suddenly lost his voice and his head sagged low. Luna furrowed her brows and nudged him with a hoof.

"Guard? Guard!"

She jabbed him again, only for him to clutch her hoof with his own. Golden wisps drifted from beneath the Guard's helmet, disappearing into yellow embers that died into black cinders.

You know, Princess, I really wanted to keep my being here on the down low. The stallion raised his muzzle so that his eyes met the Princess'

"What- what are you?"

She found that she was unable to remove his hoof, and the smile on the Guard's face intensified. He brought his head up a bit more, and he revealed his eyes to be fluctuating with the golden light.

Instead of the deep, warm brown, the stallion now had vivid hazel eyes. The honest, almost innocent smile was accompanied by a sad look in the eyes. It was as if he had expected to be caught.

Now listen, Princess. Luna glared at him. I've got to go now, I'll be checking up on Mono, um… eventually. Probably… Anyways! Bye-bye!

The stallion's eyes flashed back to their normal marigold and he collapsed to the floor. Princess Luna stared at the stallion, whose normal breathing indicated he was in a state of slumber.

She jumped when a sound like cracking glass split the silence. She turned to look behind her and saw that the hall now had a large vertical splinter straight through it, as if space itself was being molested.

It snapped again, and a lion's paw thrust outwards. Then the talons of an eagle shortly followed.

Princess Luna blinked. "Discord…?"

The aforementioned draconequus' head burst through, his mismatched arms holding the sides of space apart. He gazed at Luna with wide and frightened eyes. "Lulu! It doesn't have a chance now that it's been found out!"

He grabbed Luna by the horn and pulled her through, taking her completely by surprise.

\\||||////

Celestia lifted her head. She sensed a presence, a vague yet powerful presence. "What could that be-"

CRACK

Discord leapt out from nowhere with Luna in tow, her expression deadpanned and blank. The spirit of chaos searched the room with speed unrivaled and snapped his fingers, conjuring two pillows which he threw the Princesses on.

"Discord! Where have you been?"

Discord shushed her with a single talon and looked about him. "It's been keeping me out so I didn't interfere, but now that it's been found out, I can assist."

Luna blinked and then glared. "You grabbed me by the horn! How dare you-"

"Shush! If it's listening, or worse, creating-" Discord froze and turned his gaze to the audience, his eyes full of fear and realization. Grabbing both Princesses by the horns, he shouted, "We need to go!"

\\||||////

"…and remember: keep calm and play along!" With that, Discord snapped his fingers and left Celestia's study, leaving Luna and Celestia to ponder what Discord had said.

They then both brought their attention to the audience and furrowed their brows. "Celly, I'm off to take a bath, I will see you later tonight in Mono's room."

Celestia rolled her magenta eyes, "You make it sound so dirty."

The study went quiet once again.

\\||||////

Well, I blew cover, but that's just fine. There are always other pawns to play. The bluish-gray mist swirled about above Canterlot on a windy mountaintop. It produced a coin, which it played around with.

Though I feel I'm relying too heavily on you. Don't give me that look, I think we just need more space. No, I'm not leaving you, I just need some time to relax! It's not that I can't be calm with you, I'd just rather be with the guys, y'know? No, I'm not gay. Oh, well you wish I was? WELL I WISH YOU WERE A PERSON SO I COULD DEVASTATE YOUR FACE!

The mist was silent once again and simply let out an aggravated sigh. Discord's going to ruin everything. I couldn't keep him out of the plot for long… The mist snickered. Out of the plot for long, ha! Oh, brother.

Leering down at Canterlot, the mist watched Mono tap keys on his computer swearing over and over every time he met a spiky demise. While the mist couldn't hear him, it knew what the boy was saying.

Meatboy is pretty difficult. It was able to conjure a shifty grin within the cloud. Best keep it that way, just for him…

The azure mist then disappeared inside a wave of wind-blown snow.

Author's Note

Sorry for the ridiculous delay, I've been really busy with finding a job and sorting family matters. But don't worry, Chapter 11 has a bit extra in store. To prepare, I recommend reading Slime City.

Next Chapter: "Fee-fi-fo-fum, what beanstalk you fall from?"

I'm Going to Turn Discord into an Unlimited Roll of Toilet Paper

Mono looked up from the slowly-bleeding corpse of a stallion in raider armor. Wordlessly, he pulled the rebar from the stallion's head and snorted. A wave of sound washed over the area, drowning out the sounds of shootings and screaming.

"Huh?" Mono stared at the clouded sky while a blue streak impacted the dirt. The collision with the earth threw up clods of dry soil and pebbles in every direction.

MOTHER FUCKING SONUVABITCH CHAOS SPIRIT! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! A cloud of blue mist rose from the crater it created and swirled about angrily. I'M GONNA FUCKING REWRITE HISTORY WHEN I'M FINISHED WITH THIS! HE WILL CEASE TO EXIST! The mist whipped a boulder with a blurry appendage, shattering the rock into miniature fragments.

Mono took a grenade launcher from under his dirty coat. With his blinding speed, he hopped from behind a rock and pointed the tool at the mist.

"You! How dare you-"

The mist whipped Mono in the head and the human fell over. It let a breath escape and calmed itself down. That was close. He almost spoiled everything… Wait a tick, what am I doing here? This isn't supposed to happen until a while. Now I gotta find my way out.

Whilst the mist searched for a break in dimensional space, Mono began getting set for sleep. When Luna would enter his dreams was up in the air, and would be preferred by Mono to be a surprise.

Little did he know, that night would be fairly… interesting.

WHY DID THE VIEWPOINT CHANGE? WHAT THE HELL IS THE NARRATOR TALKING ABOUT?

The Narrator apologizes and asks the mist to calm down. Screw you, get back to work. I want the story on-rails and under control. It's going to take a minimum of eight chapters for me to get back, Narrator.

The Narrator confirms its understanding.

Don't screw this up, or I send Editor.

The Narrator confirms its understanding again, a redundant gesture.

Fuck off and get going.

Chapter 11- Sweet Dreams Are...

"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world." ~Oscar Wilde

Celestia and Luna awoke together in the middle of the night, which was rare indeed. However, Mono was not to be aware of when Luna would be invading his dreams. Right now, he was tucked in bed and mumbling occasionally thanks to his rather infuriating imagination.

\\||||////

"Fee-fi-fo-fum. What beanstalk you fall from?"

I glared at the huge motherfucker standing just a foot or so away from me. He cocked an eyebrow quizzically and opened his mouth to say something, then stopped, his hazel eyes showing clear signs of confusion. He put a hand to the top of his head and gripped his light brown hair.

"Uh…"

I swiped my hands about and shook my head. "Listen Godzilla, we clearly are both human, so just tell me where you're from and well go from there."

"Alright, I'm from Sector Thirty-three of the Belt Colony, where are you from?"

I crossed my arms and looked at him speculatively. "What in the hell are you blabbering on about, Buzz Lightyear? What country are you from? Sweden, Brazil, America, what?"

He narrowed his eyes and bit his lip. "I've never heard of any of those countries… What planet do you hail from?"

"You. Are. An. Idiot. I'm from Earth, now just where in Sam Hell are you from?"

"Earth."

"Well, that's just fan-tucking-fastic! Alternate universes, just what I needed today! What's next on the menu, chef? Ponies and adventure, you say? I'LL TAKE FUCKING TWO!"

Sevilin rose both eyebrows and knelt down in an attempt to get closer to me. "You know about Equestria?"

"Yes, and all its peace-loving neo-hippies known as ponies. I'm just going to assume right off the bat that you too are acquainted with the princesses and the Elements, so I'll just cut to the meat of this sandwich and sum everything up." I took a deep breath.

"We're both in a dreamscape and somehow connected due to the fact that we are linked through some kind of dramatic convenience. The reason for this is that we both are created by some kind of extraordinarily powerful being that just decided his playthings should meet each other. The only reason for it to do this is because this entity is severely lacking in the brain cell department and must be euthanized with a baseball bat."

"What's baseball?"

"Not important, but right now we need to-"

My speech was cut off when Princess Luna just decided to wreck my dream and drop in unannounced. While she got up off of me, she gasped… twice.

I deadpanned as I took in the sight of another Luna behind the titan. "Great, two third-rate rulers to bug us incessantly. What's next? An army of teletubbies come to start the day?"

Instantly, we were surrounded on all sides by green hills and flowers, and a familiar sun shone in the sky. It laughed and looked down upon us with the delightfully frightening caricature of an infant. The big guy took a step back and raised an arm. His lip curled up in disgust while his eyes portrayed horror.

"What the hell is that?!"

A rumbling noise came from all around our group and in seconds we were flanked and outnumbered by beings of yellow, green, pink, blue, and red. They all smiled and laughed at the same time, and held out their arms as if offering a hug.

They then all collectively dropped one arm and raised the other higher. The sun in the sky shifted and became a man with a combover and a rhombus-shaped mustache.

All the teletubbies grew grim and shouted, "Heil Hitler!"

Luna stared up at the sun and mouthed, 'what the fuck'. Big Guy's Luna lit her horn and glanced about us. Big Guy himself knelt down and clasped his hands on his head, shaking slightly.

"Nazitubbies, those bastards! Kill them, kill them all!"

With a swing of my arms, a claymore appeared in my hands and I swung wildly at the Nazitubbies, cleaving through them easily. They exploded in showers of candy and flames, and both Lunas began blasting the fascist bastards with concentrated magic.

I landed next to Big Guy and said, "My name's Mono, by the by." I then leapt back into the fray.

The Nazitubbies soon realized their plight and reached into their hidden pockets, unsheathing their weapons against us.

Wurst came flopping out to meet us, and I screamed in anger while I butchered them like the pigs they used for their weapons. While Luna and Luna shied away from the weaponized meat, I tore them to delicious shreds with my teeth.

"Victory through CARNIVOROUS DIET!"

I brought my blade down upon the last Nazitubbie's head, and snatched the slain Deutsch-bag's sausage away from him. While the abomination of all things evil and wrong in the world bled out on the beautiful green grass, I took a massive bite out of the meat and brought my sword into the air.

"DEMACIA!"

"What in the sweet name of all things sane are you talking about?!"

I simply roared in laughter at Luna's question. The scene suddenly changed again, and we were standing on a platform that shone with brilliant azure lights.

\\||||////

"Is she alright, Princess?" Twilight leaned over Celestia's shoulder, peering at the fitful form of Luna. The dark blue alicorn mumbled and opened her mouth, and breathed a single word.

"Sausages…"

\\||||////

"Conquistador Sevilin Jacobs on deck! Atten-hut!"

The ridiculously gaudy golden armor of the human soldiers shone brilliantly, and their right arms crossed their chests Roman style. I hummed while Big Guy was sheathed in armor that made him incomprehensibly huge, and deadpanned immediately.

"You're just compensating for something, aren't you?"

Sevilin looked down at me from behind a badass-looking faceplate with two huge angular horns that reminded me faintly of a bull. The glowing amber eyes of his flashed and he grunted with a new, rusty voice.

"Commander, what is the current situation?" he asked.

A man dressed in another insanely intricate golden suit stepped forward. "The Siftraw are pushing the Rubicon Gate and are currently breaking through using their weapons. Orders?"

Sevilin stared out the command bridge's panoramic window and observed the faint multicolored explosion occurring around a pulsating blue field.

"Engage," he grunted.

"Yes sir!" The commander held down a panel and began shouting orders that I had since began ignoring. I tapped my chin and thought of something I could wear.

Glancing at Luna and Luna II, which I had just begun calling them, I saw that they were complementing each other on the pitch-black armor they both were wearing. The steel was entwined with golden olive-vine twists and red sash-like shoulder and flank plates.

I cocked an eyebrow and looked down, and saw that my usual dark winter coat was replaced by angular interlocking plates resembling the ensemble. Reaching up, my head was encased by a helm similar to my hat, and the rest of my clothing was replaced by the metal.

I felt surprisingly light, and I turned to face the reflective pane of glass. My face was now a curved plate of digital representation. My eyes and mouth were expressed through bright green mock-ups of the actual thing, which was quite impressive.

A horn that damn near shattered my eardrums sounded, and I was immediately snatched by Sevilin.

"ALL UNITS TO DEPLOYMENT BAY IMMEDIATELY. ENEMY ENGAGEMENT IN TWENTY SECONDS."

"Put me down, asshole! Hey! HEY!"

Big Guy didn't pay attention, he simply kept moving with me in his grasp. I flopped about like a doll the entire time, keeping my arms crossed while he gripped onto my foot.

A short time later, we were all somehow lined up and facing a massive metal wall with thick clasps and sliding mechanisms on either side. A door. Perfect.

"LOCK RELEASE IN THREE."

"Fuck."

"TWO."

"Double fuck."

"ONE."

"We're all fucked."

"RELEASE"

"Fuck it."

The vacuum of space pulled a multitude of armored humans and our little posse into the fray. Immediately, a group of armored, crab-like things flew at us like facehuggers. Disgusted by the nasty bastards, I rose my arms and a cannon of some sort appeared.

Pure, white-hot energy came arcing out and hit the first crab bitch. I laughed and fired at another, watching the suit crack and the crab get sucked out. Little orange bits and pieces floated about, and I recognized shell and meat.

Giggling, I fired over and over. "I'LL CRACK YOU OPEN AND DIP YOU IN BUTTER!"

I spun around and out shot two cylinders from beneath my alloy coat. I somehow knew what they were and grabbed them instinctively.

Blue energy erupted from the two objects and I began to spin and flourish them with more grace and lethality than I thought possible. The beams of energy curved and spluttered while I used boot-mounted propulsion systems to enhance my already lightning fast movements.

"Is he…? He's moving fast enough to distort the Mercury Beams!" I heard somebody shout over my in-ear radio.

I laughed madly while I zipped and slashed around the enemy. The instant I cut them open, their squishy insides were sucked out by the vacuum of space. It really didn't matter where I cut them as long as the incision was deep enough.

I lopped off the tip of the crab-thing's leg and watched amusedly as it was sucked from its suit, looking like a faucet dispensing liquid crab.

A massive wave of concussive force hit me, and I just barely managed to propel myself away from a chunk of metal. I located the source of the explosion, and saw both Lunas high-hoofing each other near a titanic hunk of floating space metal.

Small blue and green fires sputtered all across the ship, and the debris left over floated about.

"…wow."

A voice I recognized as Luna crackled into my ear. "You know, Mono, I'm positive that we have more kills than you."An image of her popped into my helmet and pushed me to one side.

From the right I heard the other Luna. "Yes, it seems that we are far more deadly than you. Are you having trouble aiming your weapon? Are you afraid to truly kill?" The second Luna pushed my face into the other's.

"It could be that you are in fact a child or a man-child."

"Or you were abandoned at birth."

"Maybe some mental damage?"

"Most likely."

"But what would cause such damage?"

"Who knows? Perhaps blunt force trauma."

I blew a gasket right there, with my face squished between the two ponies.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

The two images popped from existence and I exhaled. Looking up, I saw the biggest damn ship I had ever laid eyes on. "That right there has got to be-"

A wave of concussive force shattered two planetoids near it, sending chunks of space debris towards us. "Evasive maneuvers recommended," spoke a feminine voice in my suit.

I hadn't even gotten a chance to truly take in the details of the enormous ship before it had been blasted to hell. Now I was darting to and fro in a desperate attempt to avoid rock, metalloids, and bodies.

"Screw space and its lack of sound! Fuck everything in space! Fuck the asteroids, fuck the planets, and fuck the moons!"

Luna's voice popped in, both of them.

"SCREW YOU TOO!"

"SCREW YOU TOO!"

"Screw you to the second!"

I kicked on the boosters and added my own burst of super-human speed, accelerating the combustion of the fuel cells exponentially and increasing their power.

I was soon watching blips of light zoom past my face-plate, distorting and stretching as I entered warp speed.

"Ahahahahaahaha!!! See ya later suck-"

CLONK

"Rank Thirteen Conquistador Sevilin Jacobs, stationed on the Emancipator. You are hereby awarded the Medal of Imperial Honor and Excellence. Your title has been updated as well."

A lean, tall man in a suit of pearl-white armor and a red helm spoke to Big Guy with a voice and posture of respect. Several hundred armored soldiers had their fist across their chests dutifully.

I, meanwhile, picked myself up from the floor in a vibrating mass. My suit was shaking so hard that I doubted I would ever lose the kinetic energy. The sound of metallic hoofsteps came from behind me and I focused my attention on the ceremony.

"What happened?"

"Aaaand attention broken." I groaned and held my faceplate in aggravation. "Listen Luna, and Luna Squared, we are in a dream. Shit happens."

"But whenever I enter a dream, I have the ability to control every aspect of it easily."

"Like clay," the other elaborated.

"You are in the dreamscapes of not one, but two humans. Both of which have experience with ponies. How long has he been with you?"

"I've known of his existence for maybe a few days, but Twilight Sparkle tells me he has been on our planet for nearly a decade. Possibly more."

"Well, even with all of those years of first-hand experience, I know more."

One of them shifted behind me. "I've been meaning to ask you how that is truly possible."

I sighed and stretched my back. "You are all fake. A show meant for little girls on my planet that became a phenomenon among older age groups. I was apart of this older age group that call themselves 'bronies'."

"Pfft. Bronies? Surely you are not serious?"

"…"

"Sweet Faust, you are."

"Anyway, I know a freakish amount about Equestria and its residents due to the fact that I can easily bring up a single episode with a few button presses. Your people and this entire universe that you reside in is the creation of Studio B! Owned by Hasbro and previously aided by…"

I clapped my hands rapidly using my speed, creating a metallic drumroll.

"Lauren Faust!"

Both Lunas collapsed to the floor and stared intently at it. At least, I think they did, because their faceplates obscured their features.

I turned back to the ceremony. "And don't call me Shirley."

"And so we honor you, Sevilin Jacobs, for the destruction of the Siftraw home world! Your new title is now: Sevilin Jacobs, Spear of the Emperor."

I gave a whistle amidst the blaring horns. "Damn, their entire home planet? That's pretty impressive. I wonder how he did that."

Sevilin accepted a massive rod with a long, sharpened tip, and thrusted it into the light above him. This elicited cheers of excitement from the amassed crowd.

Before any of us could think, we were whisked away to somewhere inherently familiar to me.

\\||||////

Twilight Sparkle observed Mono, while Celestia had not taken her gaze away from her sister. Twilight moved closer to Mono, and using her horn, shed some light on his face.

"Celestia!"

\\||||////

"I'm… home?" I walked through my room with Sevilin and the two princesses, running my hands on the yellow walls slowly. Everything was just as I left it before I ran out of the house. My small television attached to the wall, the bed with the dirty sheets that I had neglected to change.

Heaps of dirty laundry against my closet door. I methodically put the mass into my laundry basket and proceeded to the door. It was bright out, morning to be precise.

The wood-floored hallway of the second floor seemed to glow. I knelt down and smelled the Orange Glow. Hearing utensils in the kitchen, I ran down the stairs. "Mono? What is this place? Mono!"

I ran ahead of them and through the dining room, seeing my father's desktop and all of the Ikea furniture. Pictures hung on the walls. My group stopped at the wall to stare at the pictures, and I continued toward the kitchen.

The second I stepped inside, my body returned to normal. I was once again tall and thin, with angular features and my usual get-up. At the kitchen table was my family.

"Mom," I said through tears. Her auburn hair shone brilliantly in the sunlight, with her smile warming my heart considerably. "Dad." He smiled too, his eyes squinting behind his glasses, while his head reflected the sunlight.

And in the last seat, laughing and smiling at me, was my little sister.

"Leah!" She shouted my name and ran towards me. She hugged my knees and I knelt down to embrace her. "Leah, girly! How are you? How's school?"

No response. "Leah?"

I lifted her head and froze. "N- no. No…"

Two hollowed-out eyes and that grim smile. Her skull stared back at me while the rest of her body withered away. "No! Leah! Mom! Dad!"

They too, began to crumble, their ashes mixing with their breakfasts. Oatmeal and eggs became tainted with the dead, the powdered remains of my family swirling about the room.

"Big… brother…"

I stared down with tears in my eyes. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't do a thing.

"Why?" Those words chilled me to my core. My sister's skull kept saying it, over and over. "Why? Why?! WHY?!"

"I… I didn't know… I don't know what happened…"

My mother's skull shot up from the table, her skeleton molding back together. "You left us! You RAN!"

My father's remains did the same as my mother's. "COWARD! You fled from your home! From your FAMILY!"

I began to sob, crawling away backwards, The skeletons began to climb over the table and floor, screaming at me.

"WHY DID YOU RUN? WHY? WHY WON'T YOU COME BACK? ANSWER US!!!"

The scene imploded in a whirlwind of dust and tiles. Pieces of the kitchen swirled about and collided with one another. I felt a pull from behind me, and I was dragged through a bright white light, even as I was crying.

\\||||////

I opened my eyes, which had begun heavily tearing up, thus blurring my vision. I sniffled a few times, rubbing the tears from my eyes.

"Mono?"

I thought back to my family, screaming at me. "I haven't even tried very hard to go back."

"Mono, are you well?"

I choked on my words, the tears beginning to flow again. I was already emotionally compromised, and the fact that I couldn't speak correctly served to further aggravate me.

I coughed and cleared my throat, then sucked some more snot down my esophagus.

"Get out," I whispered to them.

I heard two pairs of hooves leave the room slowly. Then a shadow moved over my light. I brought an arm to cover my eyes, and continued to sob.

"Mono, what did you see?" Luna's voice made my will waver. I was seconds from forcefully throwing her out.

"Tell her," I demanded myself.

"My family. They… they crumbled into piles of bones and began demanding why I hadn't come home."

"So you had a nightmare?"

"Yup." I hadn't had a nightmare since I was a toddler, so this was a bit of a shock to me. "It's pretty funny, though…"

"How so?"

"The first nightmare I have in nearly a decade happens in a land of peace-loving colorful ponies." I gave a weak chuckle and brought my arm away from my face.

"Hey Luna?"

"Yes, Mono?"

"I know I'm a jerk, but I don't actually hate you guys. I'm just trying to be… unique… In my own special way of course… And I just want to apologize to you three, okay I'll apologize to Shining Armor too. But on one condition…"

"And what would that be?"

"Make him a fucking Princess so I can torture him about it for eternity."

Amidst the somber aura in the room, the two of us began chuckling. She sighed and placed a hoof on my left arm. She gave a shudder and her astral mane separated into indigo locks. She then smiled and said, "Only for a day."

"That's all I needed. Now get out of my room," I smiled genuinely at her and she returned it, trotting out into the hall and slowly closing my door, letting me hopefully rest without a head full of horrors.

Author's Note

Feat. Sevilin Jacobs from Slime City ...Made of This

Chapter 12- Zebras and Irony

Prince Blueblood had just finished his breakfast of hayfries and eggs, and he felt absolutely grand.

A pungent, heavy stink floated through the air of Blueblood's room, causing him to sniff and look about. He recognized that stench.

"The last time those horrible griffons were here they cooked up that most rancid dish! It couldn't be…"

Blueblood hung his barrel out the window, swiveling his head to and fro to find the source of the most disgusting meal ever conceived. Within seconds, he found the source.

There was Mono, or rather the back of his extraordinarily-sized head, at the head of a stove. He was cooking something, but what it was Blueblood had no clue.

"Mono," the Prince called. "Mono!"

Mono did not turn around, simply rocking his head from one side to the next. Gritting his teeth, Blueblood opened his jaws and bellowed as loudly as he could.

"MONOOOOOOO!"

Mono's head perked up, stayed stock still, turned to the left slightly…

And he sneezed. The human then went back to cooking whatever was on the stove ahead of him, his head bobbing from left to right once again.

\\||||////

After yesterday's breakdown, Twilight let me get anything I wanted. I had been in Equestria for about a week, so I figured, "Why not something tasty?"

After asking for it, I got it, and now I was cooking the most delicious dish ever to be concocted. And with some Queens of the Stone Age, it was an absolutely perfect morning.

Some debris from the open window tickled my nose, which caused me to sneeze. It was a good thing I had turned away from the food, too. After shaking my head, I got back to getting the tasty morsel to a delicate golden-brown.

Whatever had tickled my nose rested on the tip of it, so I crossed my eyes to examine the culprit.

"Chewed hay…?"

No sooner had I crossed my eyes than the door to my room exploded open. Standing there was Fancy Pants, I huge smile across his face. His smile faltered and his nose crinkled.

Shaking his head as if clearing it, he poked a hoof at me and his lips moved. I reached up and removed one earbud, cutting off the flow of music.

"What's that, Fancy?"

"What are you cooking?" His brows pulled down in confusion and some slight disgust. I looked at the pan in front of me, thinking how I should treat the situation. With tact, of course.

"Bacon. Meat from pigs. I know it's not exactly you ponies' thing, but I could really not give less than one shit."

I shrugged at his nauseous expression, and flipped some more strips onto the frier. "Anyways, what were you so excited about before my breakfast bitch-slapped you?"

"Well, Princess Celestia caved in after a solid two hours of begging from Twilight, and the factory building is ours! All we have to do now is begin hiring and advertising."

I kept tending to my tender pig tenders. I suddenly craved tenderloin. ANYWAY, I frowned a bit. "Any word on Flim and Flam?"

Fancy's face fell. "It's so strange, it's as if the two of them have simply fallen off the map! I checked every city for two traveling salescolts, contacting all of my business partners from Fillydelphia to Los Pegasus. Not a word."

I sighed a little. "That's most likely because Applejack showed the two of them up in Ponyville a while ago. After that, I assume that they haven't been doing so well. News travels quickly in Equestria, like E. coli." I paused. "Or stupid."

I looked back at my pan and resumed my cooking. Fancy pondered what I had said while leaning against my doorframe with an immaculately groomed hoof.

"Perhaps the shelters and soup-kitchens?"

"That's our best bet. Do it."

Fancy nodded and turned aside, trotting away from my room.

\\||||////

I finished cooking my bacon and was positively bored. So I went for a stroll through the palace…

…with a plate of bacon.

Yes, many ponies keeled over and vomited. Several guards collapsed. I continued to not give a fuck while I munched on my perfectly-toasted strips of pig meat. I had a friend in second grade, and when she told me she couldn't eat pig, and thus no bacon, I left her presents every day.

Small things like crayons or pictures, sometimes a little keychain teddy bear. She was mighty confused, but I honestly pitied her. For someone to have never tasted bacon is just- just… I'm sorry this is getting very emotional for me… We'll touch on this subject later.

So I was aimlessly wandering around when I heard Princess Celestia behind some doors that were decidedly not the throne room's.

Putting my ear against the door, I listened closely.

"I would like to thank you for taking your time to visit Equestria," she said politely.

"I would like to thank you for taking your time to visit Equestria," a stallion repeated.

"Huh?" I listened more intently.

"Thank you, dearest Princess. It is with great importance that I am here. I wish to speak with you on matters concerning the Harmonious Sports Tournament." This other stallion's voice was accented, almost like… "a Native African's?"

Then it hit me. "Zebras! Ah-ha!"

"Thank you, dearest Princess. It is-"

"Okay, so there's a mare repeating the same thing in the same language…? What in the fu-"

I leaned too far forward, and the doors swung in, dumping me on the floor but mercifully leaving my bacon to rest at the doorway. The doors swung closed and pushed the plate out of sight.

Before I could race off to get it, Celestia had called my name angrily.

"Mono! Leave immediately, this meeting between the zebras and I is of the utmost importance!"

I groaned and stood up. "Calm your nipples, princess pastel, just let me get my bearings."

The zebras, one female with dreads and a male with a strikingly styled mohawk and robes, gaped at me. The stallion dropped his hoof solidly onto the floor and wore a scowl. "How dare he react to the sight of royalty in such a way! In my country, he would be imprisoned on the spot!"

The mare winced and cleared her throat. "How dare he react-"

"Yeah yeah, chief! I caught your high and mighty royal speech. And may I just say, bravo, you really blew me away, your assness. Just let me tell you that back in my country royalty doesn't exist." I bowed obnoxiously and rose back up to stare into everyone's shocked faces.

"Y- you can understand me?" The mohawked zebra gaped at me.

"Oh no, I'm just guessing what you're saying and responding based on my mood. Of course I can understand you, jackass. How else would I speak to you? Even zebras are plum fucking retarded."

Celestia and her stallion counterpart's jaws dropped, and silence reigned the room.

"I'm leaving, I'm leaving…" I opened the doors and found… nothing. My bacon was gone.

"WHO THE FUCK STOLE MY MEAT!"

Fancy Zebra fainted behind me, collapsing upon the floor to the shock of everyone there. Gritting my teeth, I spun back around.

"Alright, the bacon is gone, everybody can chill out," I said, spreading my arms wide in the international 'chill out' symbol.

"Mono! Do you have any idea what you just did?" Celestia was practically screaming at me by now. Her mane had taken on a fiery form that blasted against the ceiling.

"I lost my bacon and insulted a foreign dignitary. So?"

Celestia reigned in her nigh-apocalyptic violent reaction and stooped down to look me in my eyes. "Mono," she said.

"Yes?" I responded, my expression detached and disinterested.

"Keep this up, and to Ponyville you go."

\\||||////

Celestia blinked. "Where… where did he go?"

She turned to find everyone in the room seated at a beautiful mahogany table with plates of steaming vegetables laid out in front of them. Wound about their necks were napkins made of golden lace and silk frill.

The Zebra dignitary was propped in a bubbling jacuzzi with cucumbers over his eyes and a malt drink in his right hoof. He was still fast asleep. The two translators stood from their seats, looking at everything around them in shock.

A small note balanced at the end of Celestia's nose.

I'll kiss your ass, just don't send me to Ponyville.

"Well. It seems he will not be bothering us again. Shall we eat?"

\\||||////

I trudged away from the room with my hands stuffed in my coat pockets. As I made my way through the halls of the castle, I remembered Luna's reaction to being told she and her entire world was fake.

The two of them had reacted quite negatively to the revelation, as expected. But if I was here, that should at least give Luna some hope in her being real. "Of course I'm real, how could I not be? The very notion is ridiculous. I know for I fact that I truly exist in the physical realm."

Maybe I was having some kind of effect on these ponies that not even they themselves were aware of.

I slipped my earphones in and began humming loudly.

Everyday...

This continued for at least two hours, and in my distracted state, I had stepped outside of the castle, into the streets, and found my way blocked by a severely angry mob of prismatic equines.

"Hmm. I wonder what time it is?" I pulled out my iPod and clicked the button, thumbing through the options until I found the time. "Four o' clock, huh?"

I turned around and began walking in the opposite direction of the crowd. "What're they all gathered up for?" I pondered.

"It's the alien! It's Mono! Get him!"

I turned my head to face them. "Eh?"

Immediately I began running through the streets, screaming expletives at the already-pissed crowd. "We make gelatin out of hooves on my planet!"

A roar of horror and anger. "Delicious."

"When an equine's leg is too damaged, we kill the poor fucker and let it rot!"

They had begun throwing things at me, shattering windows and in some cases hurting bystanders. It had started to get out of hand. So out of hand, in fact, that they didn't see the approaching school tour.

"Ah crap, it's Cheerilee!" I pushed ahead of the crowd and ground to a halt in front of the kids. "And this is the ancient art of…"

I faced down the crowd and powered forward, my abilities allowing me to reach incredible speeds. I pulled back my right hand in a gloved fist and jumped to stare their leader right in the eyes.

"Lyra?"

Without a moment's hesitation, I socked her right in the snout, and the speed effect disappeared instantaneously. I was left, absolutely stock-still, in the air.

Everything physically stopped, then the ground buckled, windows cracked, and Lyra turned into a bio-missile.

Her entire group scattered from the force, and the shockwave blew the manes of the kids into disarray. Lyra shot down the street, taking out several of her cronies. She crashed through the window of a mattress shop; which was hysterical because she still got injured, and soon enough they were all gone.

"Well, that takes care of that," I said, removing the fur from my mittens nonchalantly. I heard a squeal behind me, as if its owner was bathing in the radiation of my fisticuffs' swagger.

"That was so cool!" I turned to come face to face with Scootaloo and the Cutie Mark Crusaders. "How'd you do that, huh?"

I groaned and put a hand over my face. "Listen, I don't have time to explain, so I'll just leave it like this: I have superpowers."

The looks of awe on their faces was pretty fulfilling, but I seriously needed to get back to the castle and inform my compatriots of this latest development. The fact that there was a group of ponies that wanted me out of Equestria was concerning. Ponies are herd animals after all.

"You're a superhero!" Sweetie Belle stared up at me with childish wonder and excitement. As adorable as she was, her friends had gotten even closer than her. And when I say friends, I mean her entire class, including Cheerilee.

"No I'm not. Also, when is that Sports Championship thingy again?"

Cheerilee looked very surprised. "You're competing?" she asked. I nodded.

"Ah, so you're the Mono my girls have been talking about? Well, if you want to compete on the Ponyville team, then you need to be a student at Ponyville." That smile. I wanted to punch her in the face.

"Oh really?" I glared at the CMC, who shrugged collectively. "Well then, I guess that I really won't be able to help you guys. To make up the entire school year that fast…"

"But my sis told me that Twilight told her that you can read and learn really really fast! Like, crazy fast! He took his linens-and-things test after only twenty minutes of studying!"

I stared at Sweetie Bell with one eyebrow cocked. "Linens-and-things? Don't you mean citizenship?"

She blushed and rubbed the back of her head. "Eh he he, yeah."

Cheerilee smiled brightly. "Well then, I'll admit you to the class and you'll start your Ponyville education in two days! Have a great day, Mono!"

The group trotted away, with some of the kids waving good-bye to me. Once they were out of range of my vision, I dropped to my knees. Trembling with barely controlled anger, I scrunched my body up in a mass of gray and black.

And I screamed to the heavens with unrestrained rage at the situational irony.

Author's Note

Now with 83% more musical links! Expect updates every Monday for BwBb.

Chapter 13- Friendship for Dummies... by Dummies

"Friendship... is not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything." ~Muhammad Ali

"Hey Mono, could you-"

I held up a single gloved hand to Script. "Not. A word." I then proceeded to walk further into my room, which had recently become the base of operations for our growing company. I trudged to the mini bar set up on the opposite side of the room. No, I had not been examining my room often.

With Fancy, Fleur, and Script watching me, I began mixing a drink together.

"Mono? What happened?"

I ignored Fleur and continued to add tomato juice and hot sauce to my glass of vodka. I calmly grabbed a straw and began mixing together my Bloody Mary. I may have been a junior back in my world, but I still knew how to mix a drink.

Yes, high school life was fantastic. No, I never drank before then.

I dropped the straw into the drink and let it hit the side of the glass. Bringing the alcohol to my lips, I took a sip and coughed once. "Too much hot sauce…"

I closed my eyes and furrowed my brows. "Two days from now, I will be enrolled in the Ponyville Schoolhouse." While their jaws dropped, I took another sip.

"The reason for this is so that I can put down a debt owed to the Cutie Mark Crusaders, two of which are sisters to the Elements of Harmony." Another sip. "The debt is that I must aid them in the Harmonious Sports Tournament."

Fancy Pants and the girls held their breath while I finished my drink. Letting out a sigh, I placed my empty glass on the bar table and opened my eyes. "Now, give me some good news."

Fleur Dis Lee cleared her throat and levitated some papers in front of her. "There are three wealthy individuals whom my husband and I call friends." At my expectant look she continued with her explanation.

"Their names are Upper Crust, Hoity Toity and Swell Wage. Of course, a portion of our wealth will also pour into this effort. We are well on our way to making this idea of yours a success!"

She gave a dainty little giggle while I mixed together another Bloody Mary. "Fancy? Give me something."

The stallion in the room cleared his throat and smiled. "Why yes, my dear chap, good news indeed."

I raised an eyebrow while I curbed the amount of hot sauce, didn't want a burnt throat on top of this stress.

"Flim and Flam have been found in Fillydelphia, working as garbage-colts. I have already sent my protege Fritter to their place of work to recruit them. They will also have a carriage awaiting them." He gave a nod and a concerned frown while I finished my drink in one gulp. Yes, it still burnt my throat.

I let out a burp. Things were beginning to get mildly blurry, and I felt a hoof tap my shoulder. In my half-dazed state, I made out the colors of Quick Script.

"Mono, are you alright?" she asked me with genuine concern.

Thank whatever deity that I could still contemplate words though.

"Lyra Heartstrings is out for your removal from Equestria, and that group that you somehow beat down in a single moment is now pressing charges against you. The letter I mentioned to you before has also been given to the Princesses."

I flopped an arm around her neck and smirked slyly. Or more of a drunken gurgle that came from my attempt at a smirk.

"I'll juss punch s'more of 'em and record their abbreviated whines on my c'puter." That could have been worded better, and I'm positive I mistook abbreviated for aggravated. Oh well, embarrassment wasn't something I struggled with on a daily basis.

"Uh, Mono, this is serious."

I sat back down on the bar stool and rested my chin on the bar top. I screwed up my face in confusion. "When'd we get a bar in here?"

I saw the forms around me shrug and slowly come back into focus. "Goddamn super-charged metabolism." I sat back up with a clear mind and 20/20 vision.

I closed my eyes and let out a breath, quickly formulating a successful plan. "Okay, here's what we'll do. I'm officially untouchable as of… What's today?"

Quick Script levitated a small datebook over to herself. "Friday."

"Well, by Sunday, I'll be officially untouchable due to the fact that I'll be an elementary school student. You can't press charges against an underage civilian of Equestria. It's in my rights." I swung my head to Fleur Dis Lee and Fancy Pants.

"You two, begin scoping out areas for the pen factory. Before you ask, a factory is a large building where machines pump out a specific product. Don't worry about the machines, I'll get around to them. For now, find me about… one hundred ponies and hire them for easy work. Until I can get the machines running, they'll be assembling the pens."

How they'd do it with hooves, I didn't know at the time. Burn that bridge after I cross it.

"As for me, I'm gonna get something out of the way." I gave a grunt as I stood up. "Somepony wants a full-fledged report and presentation on friendship where I come from, they're gonna get it."

\\||||////

"You better be kidding about the unicycle and the cake," I grumbled demurely at my host. Celestia smiled at my miffed expression and replied.

"Of course I was joking. You merely have to speak of friendship in front of the most high esteemed individuals studying in the field of friendship."

I made a disgusted face. "Studying in the field? Goddamn, you ponies are just fuckin' sad."

She glared at me. "And why is that?"

"Stick around, and you'll find out."

I walked into the room with Celestia, regarding the professors and the princesses with accusatory glances. They didn't know what I was accusing them of, and neither did I. I just felt that I had to take out my disgust on somebody.

"Alright, to start off: 'What is friendship?'"

"…"

"Well, let's see some answers! C'mon! Raise your hooves, people!"

"Oh! Friendship is a deep, spiritual connection molded through personal experiences and common tastes that results into a relationship supported by understanding and trust."

"Incorrect Twilight. You have failed the human course on friendship," I said. I immediately turned to the blackboard behind me and nabbed a piece of chalk. Using my freakish powers, I speedily doodled two rough sketches of ponies.

Above the sketches was written: 'How to make Friends: the abridged version for imbeciles.'

"Mono, we can't read that."

I rolled my eyes. "I'm not going to bother erasing it, but it says 'How to make Friends: the abridged version for imbeciles.'"

"How rude!"

"Shut up. Now, this is how you make friends in my universe."

I crossed out the ponies. "Step one: Go fuck yourselves. I don't intend to befriend anyone in this room. All of my friends back home are human beings like myself. I'm not saying that you shouldn't be friends with griffons or zebras, but my race is the only truly sapient one where I come from."

I replaced the ponies with two humans: one male, one female.

"Step two: Say 'hello'. C'mon, this is simple shit here." I wrote the word hello and sketched the arm of one of the poorly drawn humans to seem like she was waving.

"Step three: Talk. Use those mouth muscles and work 'em. Find something the two of you enjoy talking about, continue step three until viable subject appears."

A stallion with a bouffant raised his hoof. "And if no viable subject appears or there is a disagreement in subject matter?"

"That's easy. Use evidence that lets your argument trump the other person's stance. Like: vanilla or chocolate?"

"Chocolate for me," Luna declared.

"Luna! I disagree with you! Vanilla is the best flavor there is!"

"Those are opinions! You can't gather evidence based on opinion," she claimed.

"Oh yeah?" I thought.

"I come from a world more advanced than yours and with far more social interaction per minute than what you could ever hope for. Also, we invented the shit, we would know. Now sit down and shut up, I'm picking up where I left off."

I paused once, for dramatic effect. "And that's how it's done. Write that down, kiddies."

"Step four: Ask questions about their life that aren't too personal. Don't ask right off the bat if they want kids, or if they're secretly into kinky stuff. That comes after a solid relationship."

"Now, this isn't a step, but rather a direct complaint to Twilight." I glared at the Element of Magic. "Seven is the best you could do?"

All eyes focused on her. "What do you mean 'the best I could do'?"

"You have seven immediate friends. For being one of the Elements of Harmony and the so-called 'Maestro of Friendship', I thought maybe you'd be, y'know, friendlier."

"Well you aren't very friendly, Mono," Celestia commented. I let out yet another sigh that day.

"Actually, I'm quite aware I'm an asshole. However, I'm an asshole only twenty percent of the time back where I'm from. In fact, I have tons of friends in my dimension."

"Oh do you now?" Celestia asked from her row in the back. I glared at her, then took a deep breath and deadpanned.

"Yes," I responded. "As a matter of fact, I left every single one of my friends behind in my world when I was dumped here. So if you'd like to bring the fact up again, I'd be absolutely fuckin' delighted to tell you about them sometime."

Now the crowd looked a bit uncomfortable.

"Well, if it's any consolation, I hope you manage to make it back. My doors are open to you anytime, Mono." I looked up.

"Who said that?"

A purple mare with a green mane rose her hoof into the air. Her eyes were a deep fuchsia and now a touch worried while I glared at her. I directed my glare in general to the group and gestured my hand to her.

"THAT is how you make friends! Be kind, be understanding, and don't be a douche!"

"But… You are a douche..."

"Who said that?"

A red buck with a yellow mane raised his hoof.

FWAP

The eraser fell from the cloud of chalk dust culminated around his head, and he collapsed back into the row. "Screw you. I just don't want to be friends with anyone in this room. That's different."

Placing my fists on my hips, I closed my eyes. "So class, what did we learn today?" Several of the ponies began flipping through paper hastily to find their notes. Why'd they write down so much shit? I wasn't even taking this seriously...

"Lots of social interaction."

"Common interests."

"Healthy conversation."

"Introduction of multiple friends."

"Don't be a douche."

I grinned and open my eyes. "Class dismissed. Leave me in peace."

The ponies began filing out of the room and I sat on the desk, already fishing out my music player. I waved them goodbye and slipped the earphones in, waiting for the lot of them to file out and leave me be.

Once the last of them were gone and everything was quiet, I strolled out of the room and through the halls.

"Two down, one to go." I hoped that my actions would lead to more interesting developments. Not necessarily for me, but for Equestria as a whole. I walked to a window and hopped onto the sill.

Looking out the window, I brought my hands up and framed all of Canterlot.

"Mine."

With a grin and a chuckle, I leapt off and continued down the quiet hall in peace.

Author's Note

Remember, every Monday BwBb will update. Quality of chapters will improve in time. Ciao.

Chapter 14- Farewell Canterlot... for Now

"It is a cliche that most cliches are true, but then like most cliches, that cliche is untrue." -Stephen Fry

"Twilight, this is my last day in Canterlot. I actually slept for this, so make sure that whatever you have planned can fit in one day and is actually sensible." I crossed my arms and gave her a sharp glare.

"We'll just be going over physical discrepancies between the pony anatomy and your own. Next, we'll be testing various magical methods on you. Finally, we'll review any unique functions or abnormal abilities you may have."

I crossed my arms and shot her a grin. "Let's do this."

\\||||////

"Head, shoulders, knees and toes…"

"Knees and toes!" I shouted in a sing-song voice. Twilight gave me a quizzical look that caused me to roll my eyes. "Human thing, don't worry about it."

"So these 'hands' that you have are able to grasp and manipulate objects with extreme precision?" Ugh, these questions… They were so goddamn cliche it hurt. But I had promised this to her and I never go back on a deal, which was an unfortunate moral that had resulted in me going to Ponyville in the first place.

"Yes. The digits attached to the hand are the fingers and thumb. Normally I have four fingers and one thumb."

Twilight stopped writing to give me a confused stare. "But you have four fingers right now…"

I hit her over the head with a book to punctuate each word that I said. "The. Thumb. Is. Not. A. FINGER!"

"Okay okay! I'm sorry!" she apologized quickly, her wing raised to defend herself from my literary ire.

I threw the book to the side and straightened my coat. "Of course you're sorry. Now, note that my junk is located here." I swished my hands around my crotch. "We wear clothes to cover ourselves up, otherwise we're…"

"Indecent?" she cautiously answered.

I snapped my fingers and pointed to Twilight. "Boom. Exactly."

"Your legs also bend forwards at the knees, whilst your center of gravity keeps you aligned correctly with the ground. This sense of balance is thanks to the intricate system of bones and fluid situated in your inner ear. Is that all right?"

"Yup," I confirmed with a nod of my incorrectly-sized head.

"So interesting…" She scribbled down some more words and looked back at me. "Part one of the testing cycles are finished, let's move on to part two."

\\||||////

"Magic test number one: Levitation."

Twilight lit her horn and her purple aura surrounded me. Without a sound, it popped from existence less than a second later and left me unaffected. She did this three more times before giving up.

"No matter how much strength I pour into the spell, it rolls off of you like rain from a rooftop. Time for a different spell," she said, already charging her horn.

"Magic test number two: Blast."

A cone of wild violet magic thrashed on her horn, fully encompassing it until it was a perfect mold to her horn. "Mono, are you ready?"

"I already know the outcome of this…" I thought, and so I nodded once and rolled my hand.

"Firing in three, two, one… FIRE!"

The magic blast distorted the area around her, sending itself towards me at frightening speeds. I quickly tensed up, and the frightening speed became a boring crawl.

"Oops," I said to myself quietly. I inhaled a deep breath in order to calm myself down and the bolt sped up before striking me in the chest and popping into nothingness. "Exactly as expected."

"Amazing! It's as if you successfully neutralize all magic the second it touches you! We'll move on to how your condition affects different pony races."

\\||||////

I now stood outside in the courtyard with a few familiar orifices lazing about with me.

Sure Stitch, Shade Flight and Twilight were talking over the specifics of the experiment, while I sat there doing absolutely nothing but thinking about my upcoming predicament.

"I can't believe I have to go back to elementary school with ponies… This is gonna be ridiculous."

I can't remember everything I thought about, but I'm about seventy percent positive acts of violence and aggression were included in the thought process. My name being called, however, snapped me out of it and allowed me to return to the debatably-real world.

"Okay Mono, first you'll be riding on Doctor Stitch's back while she kicks this scale that measures force. She'll kick once before you're on her back and once after. I'll compile that data and then ask Doctor Stitch to operate a door knob with her hoof. After she does so, she will do so again with you on her back, got it?"

"Ride the pony, blah blah blah, doorknobs and kicking. Yeah, I'm good." I gave a little wave and she brought her pad back to her attention.

"Alright, begin Earth Pony test one, now."

Sure Stitch approached a large padded square and reared around. She kicked with all her might, and the machine attached to the pad actually tilted back off of the ground. It rocked back forward with a thud, and Twilight checked a screen on its back.

"One thousand two hundred pounds of force," Twilight stated. She wrote down the number in her pad and I hopped atop Sure Stitch. "Earth Pony test one, take two with Mono."

I held on tight as she spun around and bucked the pad with considerable speed. Twilight checked the reading and did a double take.

"Two hundred and four pounds of force." The pad went back in front of her snout and she began scribbling hastily. "The magic behind an Earth pony's strength is completely neutralized during contact with Mono Nucleosis."

"You're damn straight it's neutralized," I stated proudly, my chest puffed out and a grin on my face.

"Sure Stitch, how do you feel?" Twilight asked the castle doctor.

The earth pony rubbed her forehead with a hoof. "My body feels heavier, on top of that I feel cold. Freezing cold in fact," she elaborated.

"But it's the middle of the summer, that's not possible." Twilight looked up into the sky and squinted.

I thought back to all the times that a pony had made physical contact with me. Each one had shivered, as if a breeze had rolled in just then. "Huh. So it was me…"

"What's that Mono?"

I explained to Twilight all of the instances that I had made physical contact with a pony and how they had reacted. Every time I had touched a pony, their teeth would chatter and a shiver would run through their body like a particularly strong and chilly breeze had rolled through the area.

"Interesting… Oh, you also managed to send Lyra Heartstrings flying down the street. How, exactly, did you do that?"

To be perfectly honest, I had no idea how I did that in the first place. I made a wild guess and tried to rationalize what had occurred.

"I can only assume that by forcing my arm to vibrate at extremely high speeds, I was able to store kinetic energy behind my punch. When the fist made contact with Lyra, her body wasn't moving as fast as mine and so instead of feeling several hundred punches, her body took them as one solid hit. The kinetic energy must have then transferred and carried her down the street from the force of the impact."

Twilight wrote down every last excruciating detail of what I had said. "Thank you very much, Mono. Next test: Speed Enhancement Properties."

She instructed me to once again hold onto Stitch.

"What you're going to do now, Doctor Stitch, is gallop as fast as you can. Mono, you activate your ability as soon as she begins galloping."

Twilight took to the sky and watched us carefully. "And… go!"

Stitch took off, and I began to coerce my powers from my body. It began as a twitch, then a shiver, and in four seconds I was vibrating. "No noticeable change in movement speed," I thought to myself.

I continued to pool my focus into the ability, which by now felt like a little pedal in the back of my mind. I pushed the pedal down, but she wasn't going any faster. From my perspective, everything was slowing down radically.

I thought back to when I had glomped Sweetie Belle in a burst of ecstatic joy. All I thought about was her. "Is that the trick?" I brought my gaze to the back of Stitch's head and made my thoughts about her. I pictured her face and personality.

In an instant, she was galloping as if she were moving at normal speeds. The only difference, however, was the fact that everything surrounding us was brought to a snail's pace crawl.

We galloped out of the courtyard and through the palace. Down the extravagant hallways we went, watching guards exhale a tired breath or two. Flies slowly buzzing their wings and a glass of water falling from a serving platter. The shocked faces of the servants as the water fell through the air, and the delicious looking pastry situated just by my head.

In a deft skill of movement, Sure Stitch turned tail, trotting back this time around, and we witnessed the water hit the floor and the maid let out a long, drawn out shriek of surprise. The guard slowly finished closing his mouth, and we arrived back in the courtyard.

Feeling accomplished, I eased off the psionic pedal and dismounted Stitch.

Twilight blinked. "Where did you two get off to?"

I ate the pastry in one gulp. "Places."

\\||||////

"Pegasus test one, take one: flight. Shade, begin."

Shade Flight spread his wings. "Of course, your majesty." He ascended into the air and gave a little wing show to Twilight. He landed and bowed to her promptly.

"Thank you, Shade. Now, Pegasus test one, take two with Mono."

Shade Flight cringed while I hopped atop his back. Instantaneously, his bat facade dropped and I was left staring at a lime-green pegasus with a wild blue mane. He looked back at me with surprised teal eyes.

"Your armor is magic, get over it and fly," I deadpanned.

He spread his wings and began flapping. With a majestic jump, he faceplanted into the dirt.

"Nice going, Guano-for-brains. What's the matter, forgot how to fly?" I taunted the abused Night Guard with a sadistic grin crossing my features.

He mumbled something amidst a mouthful of dirt, but I didn't understand it, nor did I listen for it. I jumped off the poor fool's back and smiled at Twilight.

"Poor sod, he probably can't even live with himself now," I mused.

"Mmf wuffle fuf!"

"Don't worry, buddy, the grass is greener on the other side." Oh, the puns, they hurt me so.

"Fuf ooh."

"Love you too."

He finally pulled his head out of the dirt dramatically and spat out the clumps of dirt and grass from his now-fanged mouth. "That's not what I said! I said fu-!"

CRASH

"Hello Mono! Are you ready for your trip to Ponyville?!" A bouncy mare standing on top of the basket that had just crushed Shade Flight waved jubilantly at me. Her coat was of a bright, eye-gouging yellow and her mane a forest green.

"What the hell is that thing and how does it know my name?" I asked Twilight. As if in response, the newcomer did a front-flip off of the basket and landed in front of me in a deft display of agility. Needless as it may be to say, I was impressed.

"I'm Nanny Joyful, and I'll be taking care of you during your entire stay in Ponyville!" She held open her hooves as if expecting confetti to rain down around her amidst a fireworks show.

"No, seriously, what the hell is this?" I motioned to Nanny Joyful with both hands and looked up at Twilight. The bookworm merely shrugged, clearly not following very closely either.

"Come on, silly! Pack your bags! We're going to Ponyville Schoolhouse very soon!" She got uncomfortably close to my face, which I did not appreciate at all.

"His bags are right here, Miss!" Shining Armor placed my belongings down in front of her and she clapped her hooves. "That fucking traitor…" I grumbled internally.

"Fantastic! I'll just load these right up!"

Twilight turned on her brother. "Shiny! I'm still not done with my experiments!" Shining Armor gave a noncommittal shrug and turned about, successfully ignoring not only his overbearing sister but a highly-esteemed princess.

Before I knew it, I was in the basket and on my way to Ponyville.

\\||||////

"Wait one goddamn minute! How is this thing capable of flight with me inside?"

I took a moment to look up. It was a hot air balloon. "Oh? Okay."

I'm not very observant.

Author's Note

Next Chapter: ARC II: Ponyville Pride

*had to add the quote*

[ARC II] Chapter 15- Cliche Central

"The spirit of resistance to government is so valuable on certain occasions that I wish it to be always kept alive." -Thomas Jefferson

ARC II THEME

Let me just say, for the record, that I had already formulated twenty seven ways to murder Nanny Joyful without getting caught in the first twelve minutes we were in that balloon.

I was stuck with her for the entire hour and a half flight to Ponyville. Oh, and guess who she was sent by too… Fucking Celestia and Luna. Yes, I did deserve it. No, I did not like it one bit.

So for the moment I was listening to Joyful spew off some crap about how I'd love Ponyville and everyone there. I wouldn't though, for obvious reasons known only by bronies .

"Ugh…" Words couldn't describe my distaste for Ponyville. Of all the stories that sent human characters to Ponyville, I was now living it for real. I had to… improvise my stay there. I had several ideas to spice things up, but some would take more time than others to begin and complete.

Joyful continued to talk, and I just then knew how to save myself from her incoherent babble.

Music. Sweet, sweet music.

\\||||////

"Now I smell the rain! And with it pain! And it's headin' my way!"

The balloon touched down, and I suddenly found myself not wanting to leave Nanny Joyful. I mean, sure she was annoying as all fucking hell, but she had some spectacular pipes.

I sat on the floor of the balloon with her, patting my thighs to the drums, while she continued the next line.

"Oh~ Sometimes I grow so tired… But I know I got one thing I gotta do!"

"RAMBLE ON! Now's the time, the time is now to sing my song!"

"I'm goin' round the world, I gotta find my girl!"

"ON MY WAY!"

"I've been this way ten years to the day…"

"RAMBLE ON!"

"I got the queen of all my dreams!"

I finally poked her in the leg and she blinked. Smiling she poked her head up and over the edge of the balloon. "Alrighty then! Here we are!" She used a hoof to dislodge one of the earphones and opened the door with the other hoof.

"How the hell do they do that?" Seriously though, fuck magic.

I shook my head and grabbed my things. "It's one in the afternoon, so where are we headed to?" I asked Joyful. She smiled back, surprise surprise, and threw a hoof in the direction of…

"Son of a bitch." The Schoolhouse. How Cheerilee signed me up so fast was a wonder, but I figured that the Princesses also had something to do with it. We made our way to the schoolhouse, and that fucking pink mass of ADHD was standing right in our way with the biggest look of shock on her face.

"Don't say anything!" I said something anyway.

"I'LL EAT YOUR LEGS."

And then she ran off after the whole air-gulping thing and giving a little screech. I had to prepare to leave a party now. "Fuck."

"Mono…"

I brought my attention to Joyful once again, and she gave me the most disturbing smile that I had ever seen. "Don't do that," she said simply.

"Yeah okay," I replied, making my way to the schoolhouse door, struggling to remain unperturbed by her little show of evil.

The doors swung in gently, and instantly Cheerilee looked towards us and smiled genuinely. "Why hello there! I was wondering where the two of you were. You're twenty minutes late!"

"I apologize, the balloon crashed on top of a pony while I was landing down in Canterlot. Sorry for the delay." Joyful smiled and I cracked a wry grin.

"It was hilarious, you should have seen the shape of his head."

"Dis…regarding what he said, I think it would be wonderful if the fillies and colts asked Mono some questions. This way they'll get to know him on a personal level and plant the seeds to a budding friendship!" I facepalmed while Cheerilee smiled and nodded to Joyful's overtly enthusiastic suggestion.

So I stood at the front of the class, with Cheerilee and Joyful to my left and the kids straight ahead of me. I closed my eyes and cleared my throat, relaxing my muscles and blinking twice. I stretched my neck upwards and looked back down at the kids slowly.

"I eat cooked animals."

\\||||////

"Are you ready now, Mono?" Cheerilee asked me with a frown. I rolled my chocolate brown dots and nodded.

"Do not say anything like that in my classroom ever again."

I stopped my advancement into the class. "Why not?" I asked.

"The reason is that these fillies and colts are impressionable. They should not be thrust into the world so suddenly."

I glared at her. "I eat meat. They have to deal with that, and they have to toughen up anyway. The lot of you are just goddamn pushovers. Any problem Equestria has is simply solved with the Elements of Harmony! Well guess what…"

I hopped onto her desk and stared into her eyes maddeningly. Cheerilee swallowed her surprise. "What?"

"The Elements of Harmony can't do anything to me." I stepped down and began dancing out of her office. "Discord can't touch me, the princesses are afraid of me, guards can't catch me, and I can read, speak and understand any language on the planet!"

I laughed loudly. "I'm friggin' unstoppab-!"

So much pain. All I could see was pain, all I could taste was pain, and I'm positive that I had had pain for breakfast and now it was just coming back up. Slowly, I sat up, holding my head between my gloves.

"By the time I lift my head up, whoever kicked me had better be gone or have a really good explanation for hitting me," I snarled. I got a good look at the perpetrator, and felt my brows shift lower.

"Applejack."

"Mono."

We sat there, simply staring one another down. Or, rather, she was staring me down and I was staring her… up? No, that sounds dirty.

"I was wondering if I could buy some pigs from you."

She glared at me. "Out of the question. I know what you been eatin' in the palace. Nothin' but meat and fruit. How could you just eat all them poor creatures?"

I deadpanned. "Easy: I get hungry." Applejack rolled her emerald-green eyes and trotted past me. "Thanks for the apology, jackass. Wait…"

I smiled and cupped my hands around my mouth.

\\||||////

Fluttershy was having a fine day. Twilight was coming into town in the next three days, and supposedly a small creature never before seen on Terran was preceding her visit. She smiled contentedly and thought of the little fuzzy creature that she had heard about.

He sounded a lot like Angel Bunny, what with the bad attitude and small stature, she was sure they would get along great together. "Oh, and I can't wait until he meets all of my friends! I'm sure Pinkie will throw a great party for him, and Rarity will make him some wonderful clothes! I bet Rainbow Dash is already planning to show off and Applejack is probably-"

"I'm gonna give ya a buckin' for that!" Fluttershy turned about and saw a small black and gray blur speeding away from a sprinting Applejack. "Take it back!"

The blur stopped and materialized. "Nah. Applejack-ass is just too good to keep to myself."

The farm pony grit her teeth. "Mono…"

"Hey, I just asked for an apple-ogy," he quipped. A brick went zooming past his head. "Come now, bricks? Really?" She tossed some more bricks in the air, then spun about and bucked them rapid-fire towards the small creature.

But not rapid-fire enough…

With a frighteningly fast maneuver, he blurred into being right front of Applejack, skipping the space between them in mere microseconds.

"Hoooooly shit." He looked down at himself while Applejack blinked. "I just Flash-stepped." The little male creature grinned broadly and watched Applejack's front hooves rise. She brought them down with crushing force, but Mono blurred out of the way and shortly reappeared behind her.

"Think fast!" He tossed a glob of mud at Applejack, who turned her head to face her attacker, receiving the mass to the face.

Mono rematerialized on a fence, swinging his legs casually. "Awww, too slow." Applejack huffed and swiped the mud from her muzzle and began stomping towards the human. "By the way, I go to your sister's school now."

Applejack stopped inches from Mono's smug face. Her rage became replaced by a look of worry. "You're what?"

"I'm going to your sister's school so I can help them win some big competition." Mono smiled widely and chuckled. "If I can outpace you, I think I'll be just dandy, eh pardner?"

Applejack tilted her stetson back while sizing up the chibi for the first time. "I reckon so… You're saying this was all just a big ol' test of you're skills?"

Mono extended a gloved appendage and tilted his head to one side, smiling. "Sure. Let's call it that."

The two shook and instantly diffused the situation, going in opposite directions. Mono towards the school and Applejack towards the marketplace in the center of town.

Fluttershy blinked and quirked an eyebrow in confusion. "Uh… Pardon?"

Author's Note

Welcome to Story Arc Number Two: Ponyville Pride

MAIN CHARACTERS:
-Mono Nucleosis
-Cheerilee
-Applebloom
-Scootaloo
-Sweetie Belle

[ARC II] Chapter 16- Cutie Copperfield

[]

"I'm a true believer in karma. You get what you give, whether it's bad or good." -Sandra Bullock

"So, Mono, why are you so… weird?" I rolled my eyes at Diamond Tiara's attempt at an insult, and spun about in my chair to face her. While she flinched at my sudden about-face, she was moderately stoic while I gave her an annoyed expression.

"Try harder, you're really bad at this." I spun back around and opened my laptop. The glow of the keys and the screen brought everyone's attention to the machine instantly.

"Woah… is it magic?" I heard one colt ask. It really was becoming an old question to hear.

"Yeah, probably. I mean, it's so cool…"

"I bet he's trying to summon a big monster." That one made me giggle a little, because then I had an idea. I began sifting through my movie files, searching for the right one...

"What's he doing?"

"I don't know, it looks like a bunch of weird symbols and stuff, with pictures," one filly elaborated. There was a gap of silence, one that I monopolized by opening the movie file and dragging the slider.

"RISE OH NOSFERATU, AND SHOW THEM TRUE FEAR!" I shouted maniacally.

As soon as I said the hallowed words, my screen displayed Nosferatu, and the vampire himself rising from his coffin and staring at the screen. The kids shrieked and bolted back to their teacher, who found herself pressed against the blackboard uncomfortably.

I began laughing like a hyena, slapping my desk and and quickly running out of breath. I even fell out of the seat amidst my hysteria. "Your faces! PFFFTT HAHAHA Your friggin' faces!" My laughter brought deep frowns and some glares from the entire class, which looked at me in a distasteful manner.

"Whew, okay, I've had enough of my fun. You guys can go learn about Fufnar the Wonderful now." I closed the movie and went to open Fission, my green fingers tapping about the keys quickly.

"Who was Fufnar the Wonderful… Mono?" Cheerilee questioned from the front of the room. The kids had already gone back to their seats, and she was attempting to trap me.

I didn't even blink, nor did I look up from my computer screen. "The ancient king of Bolgnia who ended the slave trade imprisoning the ponies in the year twenty five thousand B.C.L. He was known for his extremely sharp middle talon on his right claw and his jovial attitude."

"That is… correct."

I nodded. "Of course it is, I got it from the book. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to play Castle Crashers."

"What's Castle Crashers?" I heard one filly ask me. I shut the laptop and stood up. I stared into the eyes of a teal filly with magenta eyes, my pupils shrinking.

"Do your work," I said, baring my teeth. The area around me darkened considerably, and I could almost feel the shadows on my face.

She spun back around, shaken. "Yessir."

Cheerilee went back to the board, drawing the map from the book with her chalk. I heard Diamond Tiara snicker.

"Hehe, what a nerd…"

I rolled my eyes. "Pfft, what a mooch."

I could feel her glare on the back of my head. "Excuuuse me?"

I moved around to face her. "You're a moocher. You use your father's money for a useless talent, which involves wearing a toy tiara." I snatched it off her head and gave it a solid flick. "Yup. Plastic. It amazes me how you got your Cutie Mark from this…"

There was a moment of silence where I kept examining the tiara, then I heard a frightened shriek. Next was a communal gasp, and then panicked sobbing. I looked up and saw Cheerilee comforting Diamond Tiara, who was in tears.

"Uh… Did I miss something?"

The entire class was dead quiet, staring in shock at Diamond Tiara. I followed their lines of sight and my jaw dropped as well.

Little by little….

Like a hot breath fading from a mirror…

Diamond Tiara's Cutie Mark was disappearing.

"Oh, fuck me sideways."

\\||||////

"B- but then what's my special talent s-s-supposed to be? WAAAH!!!"

I handed another tissue to the bawling filly, being stuck on crybaby duty. Cheerilee had forced me to do so since I had caused this 'incident', as she put it. I argued that I had opened Tiara's options for a 'real' Cutie Mark, and the filly lost it once again.

She had snot and spittle flying from her face while she shook on the bed, and her father was out of town for the day until pick-up. That left me with her in the hospital since I had both finished the lesson early and caused this.

I hadn't said a word to her, part of Cheerilee's punishment, so as not to upset her further. The mare told me that everything I had done so far had simply brought "Chaos so thick that Discord could chew through it like a sandwich".

That was when I had remembered, "Where the hell is Discord?"

"I am the perfect fount of Chaos in Equestria, capable of driving the princesses to battle and Equestrian Media into a standstill. I'm a walking generator of angst and offensive behavior, and he hasn't shown up once?"

It was indeed strange. But did I give a fuck?

Not a one.

I gave Diamond Tiara a nudge. She looked over to me, and I propped up a notebook.

It read simply: 'Now's your chance.'

I hopped down from the bed and left her to stare at the three words. I strolled out from the room with my earphones in and my hands in my pockets. I needed to find someplace to sleep.

\\||||////

"ACH! FUCK!" I deftly dodged a solid iron horseshoe. "Your roomy's a friggin' bitch! I'm far better!"

Bon-Bon stomped outside with a horseshoe in her jaws. "Fuff foo!" She swung her head and sent the iron shoe at me. After sidestepping the death-shoe, I glared at her and stomped off.

"Fine! Racist!"

She slammed the door to her home and I continued to trudge through Ponyville. "Fucking Ponyville. Fucking Princesses. Fucking MY LITTLE PONY."

I snarled and kicked the side of a house, bringing massive pain and embarrassment to myself. "Ow ow ow ow friggin' ow…" I hopped it off and dragged my feet through the dirt road, moping all the way.

"Another night in the Schoolhouse, then," I sighed regretfully.

Author's Note

Hope you're enjoying ARC II for the time being. More Mono shenanigans pertaining to the CMC and the adults await you in future chapters.

ARC II THEME

[ARC II] Chapter 17- Apologies and Clay

[]

"Apology is only Egotism wrong side out." -Oliver Wendell Holmes

Every kid in class was smiling and chatting when I finally crawled down from the attic of the Schoolhouse. I rubbed my eyes and yawned, sitting in the dead center of the room just as I did the day before.

"Good morning, everypony!" I was far too tired at the time to notice, but the voice came from directly behind me. I yawned once more and took out some books for class, along with my laptop and pencil. Classwork be damned, I was tired as hell and that school bell had given me a raging migraine.

"This sucks. I passed third grade years ago, this is ridiculous. Ah, crap… Do Fancy and Fleur think I'm an underage drunkard?" Well, technically, I was an underage drinker when I consumed the alcohol, but they don't know that. "Why did I do that?"

Why indeed. Thankfully I was spared any ill effects due to my lightning-fast metabolism and resistance to magically-grown barley. Hoo-rah. Still a terrible thing to do though, I'm no role model.

I rested my head on the desk and closed my eyes. "Ugh… I'm so goddamn tired…"

I was then poked repeatedly in the back of the head, the solid hoof digging into my skull every time it collided with my head. It was as if I was the titanic and the hoof was a goddamn glacier, tearing into my steel to try and sink me. What the fuck does that even mean?

"Who wants to die…?" I asked, pulling my head from the desk slowly. I turned around to face a smiling Diamond Tiara. "What do you want, princess?" I scowled, my eyes already growing heavy.

She gave an adorable little giggle and smiled innocently again. "I thought about what you said, and I'm going to try to change my act." She sat there, smiling at my disbelieving face. You better fucking believe I was disbelieving; nobody changes their act that fast. Nobody.

"Okay," I responded simply.

She blinked. "I'm serious! I've already planned my Apology Party for the other fillies and colts in my class! It's in two days!"

"Okay."

"You're not taking me seriously! Will you please?"

"Okay."

"I don't believe you."

"Okay."

"Come on!"

"Okay."

"Why do you keep saying 'okay'?"

"Okay."

"Huh…?"

She eventually found out that my computer had been repeating 'okay' for the past twenty seconds, and she felt immensely stupid. She woke me up finally and asked me to shut down the voice so as her suffering could end.

"Okay," I replied. She gave a frustrated little pout and rolled her eyes, but said nothing in return. Not a thing. "O…kay?"

I turned back in my seat and tapped the space bar, my face stuck in a perplexed expression. "Why isn't she throwing a bitch-fit? Why am I concerned that she isn't throwing a bitch-fit?" I gave a pause. "Why do I give a shit?"

Every jaw in the class dropped and Cheerilee held the bridge of her muzzle in aggravation. I chuckled. "Eh heh heh, sorry everybody. Thinking aloud and whatnot. My bad."

Cheerilee took a breath and returned to the board, writing in chalk the next math problem for the fillies and colts. I looked up at the clock. "Ten fifty-seven? Maybe I'll stay for lunch…"

\\||||////

I watched the other kids eating their veggies and fruits. And nuts, don't forget the nuts. I was still waiting on Twilight to get her stupid ass to town and bring the meats with her, otherwise I would have cannibalized the children.

No joke, Silver Spoon would make a slammin' porterhouse steak, she got some fat on them flanks.

"Hey, Mono!" Applebloom greeted. She trotted over to me with the rest of the Crusaders and they all sat next to me. My eyebrows immediately lowered and a frown crawled onto my face like an ornery centipede.

"What is it?" I asked. I really didn't want to talk to this hick longer than necessary.

"Cheerilee talked to us, and uh… she's thinkin' about throwin' you out…"

I jumped up and rose a single fist into the air. "Sweet baby Jesus, yes!"

"…but she'll keep you if you can prove you can behave."

"Oh really? So all I have to do is the exact opposite of everything she asks me and I'll be thrown out? I won't have to do this stupid crap! I can get back to Fancy and Fleur!" I thought happily. In my head I dead a little dance to celebrate my advantage of being a total dickhead.

I sat back down quickly and nodded solemnly. "I understand, I'll do my absolute best to behave as I would with my peers."

"That's great! And then you can help us win the Tournament!"

But they didn't know my peers…

\\||||////

"Alright, everypony-!"

"Ahem."

"-and Mono… We'll be assigning groups of four and working on a quick project!" Cheerilee gave a small smile and I found the Crusaders next to me in the blink of an eye.

"With you on our side, we'll be finished with this project in no time," said Scootaloo. "Yes, no time," I thought deviously.

Cheerilee handed out some directions to each group, and I immediately peeked over Applebloom's shoulder. "We'll be doing clay figurines for the upcoming Tournament, symbolizing the sportsmanship of the Harmonious Sports Tournament. Make sure to include these three themes: sports, unity, and friendship. You may begin at any time."

The clay situated on the table in front of use was not enough for what I had in mind. If I got some more, I could definitely complete my vision.

"But where will I get more…?"

\\||||////

"Miss Cheerilee!" a colt cried out for his teacher.

"Hmm?"

"Mono took all of our clay!" Cheerilee heard this and face-hoofed promptly. This human really was a hassle, wasn't he? Standing from her desk, she made her way to the Crusaders' table.

All three of the fillies were standing there, staring in awe at the buzzing mass before them. Cheerilee stood stock-still as well, admiring Mono's blazing speed.

He zipped about a massive lump of brown clay, his hands moving at ludicrous speeds while afterimages of his form appeared about the construction. The schoolteacher cleared her throat and Mono stopped shortly afterward, the mound of clay beginning to take some kind of shape.

"Mono. Where are the other children's clay?" she asked slowly. Mono scratched his head absentmindedly.

"Um, I don't know. Maybe they ate it? I bet it was Snails, that jerkass eats everything," he responded. Cheerilee swallowed a curse and a sizable vein popped onto her forehead, indicating her frustration and offense from his language.

Just as she was about to chew out the chibi, Snails burped up a small clump of brown clay, slick with stomach fluids. "Ew!" all the fillies and colts screeched. Except for Mono, instead he just went back to his figurine.

Defeated and exasperated, Cheerilee led Snails to the bathroom, where he continued to cough up clumps of clay in earnest.

\\||||////

"Told you he'd do anything for a bit," Scootaloo snickered. Mono grinned as well while Sweetie Belle and Applebloom cringed. "Anything at all."

"Mono, are you almost done?" Sweetie Belle propped her hooves on the table.

"Al… most… finished… with… the… face… o…kay…?" His rapid relocation caused a strange static within his voice. He ground to a halt behind the three fillies, grinning widely at their startled jumps. "…and done."

The quartet gazed up at Mono's creation, the ponies in awe and Mono with a smug smirk. "Voila. I present to you, my creation. The fuckin' jet-set of the entire class."

All of the fillies and colts gathered about the huge clay sculpture.

"I call it…"

Mono paused for a full ten seconds.

"The Shit."

The figure was of a massive turd with the Ponyville 'PV' etched into it. A smile on its face made the statue much creepier, as well as the fact that the town of Ponyville lay below it. It was literally a giant piece of victorious shit. Mono beamed widely at the clay figure, his obnoxious attitude nearly filling the room with an aura of disgust.

The bottom of the statue read: Contrary to Popular Belief, I Don't Give a Shit.

Cheerilee drooped her head. "Faust save me…"

\\||||////

Cheerilee brought the Cutie Mark Crusaders outside. "Girls. We need to talk."

The three fillies dipped their heads apologetically and folded their ears, drawing themselves into a meek position at their teacher's scolding tone.

"Mono is out of control. With all of this terrible behavior, I'll have to expel him sooner rather than later. For Celestia's sake, he managed to erase Diamond Tiara's Cutie Mark just by telling her a single truth!" She gave a pause while the three looked up at her. "I didn't even think that was possible!"

As Cheerilee took a deep, calming breath, the fillies began to state their case.

"But, Miss Cheerilee, you've gotta see 'im move! He's the fastest darned thing I ever seen!" Applebloom pleaded. Scootaloo snorted.

"Not faster than Rainbow Dash…"

"But Mono's runnin', Scootaloo! Runnin'. Rainbow Dash can't run that fast. Not even if she tried!" Applebloom faced her teacher once again. "Miss Cheerilee, we need him!"

Cheerilee heaved a massive sigh. "Girls, I can't. I simply can't have him tainting the minds and morals of fillies and colts such as yourselves, no matter how good he is at any of the sports."

"Miss Cheerilee, I want to make a deal."

Everypony's heads spun to Sweetie Belle.

"Or a bet, more like."

Author's Note

Nothin' to say, really. Except that a spin-off may come in the future.
Yay.

ARC II THEME

[ARC II] Chapter 18- The Bet

[Heads up note (HUN): While this was written while I was in a silly mood, I decided to make this officially canon. And yes, I do in fact LOVE (had to capitalize) volleyball. Carry on.]

"Hey Mono, I bet you can't beat Applejack, Aloe, Lotus, and Rainbow Dash at volleyball!"

"WHO SAID THAT?"

Mono heard only silence.

"WHICH ONE'A YOU EQUINE MOTHERFUCKERS SAID THAT SHIT?"

Scootaloo's purple mane and smug face appeared from behind a crate. "I did, and you've been cordially challenged by the Ponyville Schoolhouse. Just head on down this street until you see the crowd," she said. Hopping on her scooter, she speed away towards the schoolhouse with a light buzz.

A trail of dust flew up from the street, the small black and gray blur indicating Mono's extreme displeasure at having his volleyball skills challenged in public.

\\||||////

"Fillies and gentlecolts, it seems our last competitor is here!" Pinkie Pie announced. I quickly shot her a rancid glare. Before anyone knew it, I zipped onto her little stand and reached into her mane.

Finding what I needed, I pocketed the confetti and nodded once. I then made my way to the unoccupied area of sand, and threw my coat to the side. "NOW WHERE ARE- ahem. Now where are Applejack-ass, Adobo, Lettuce, and Rainbow Snatch?" I demanded of the crowd

My competitors glared at me from the other side of the court. A collective growl made me smile. "There they are. Alright, who am I playing with?"

A roll of laughter went through the crowd at my question, and Spike grabbed the mic dramatically. "Mono! You are to play the four of them on your own, using any special abilities you may have to win against your opponents."

I rubbed my chin thoughtfully. "I need sugar."

Pinkie Pie shoved a plate of cupcakes into my mittens in an instant, and I saluted her grandly. Within seconds, I was finished with a baker's dozen of baked goods, and the frosting must have been absolutely friggin' loaded, because I felt like electricity.

"Let's move."

A whistle blew, and Aloe served the ball.

\\||||////

The ball soared gracefully over the net, while Mono simply stood motionless. It reached within a foot of the sand, and with barely a movement, visibly anyway, Mono now occupied the spot and the ball was sent back over. Instead of striking it normally, he had sent it soaring dramatically into the air.

By reading the movement of the ball it was clear that Mono had not made it over the net, and the other team grinned. That was, however, until he appeared next to it in midair and spiked the ever-loving hell out of the ball.

"Ref! What was that?"

Time Turner shook his head. "Mono receives three extra hits on his side, making up for the lack of teammates."

"Thank you, Doctor Hooves!" Mono gave a grandiose bow. The stallion tensed up and his eye twitched.

"I am the eleventh doctor and I travel through time in my blue time-box…"

Two mares glanced at one another and jumped the twitching stallion. Immediately he started to jerk and fight against them.

"I HAVE TO SAVE ROSE! RIVER SOOOONG! RIVER SOOOOONG!" He was rapidly dragged away while Mono just blinked.

The human turned back to his contenders and waved downwards. "Eh, he'll be fine. New ref!" Applebloom pushed Carrot Top to the sidelines and threw a whistle around his neck.

"Got it!" she called.

Carrot Top blew the whistle and Mono threw the ball into the air.

"Mono has thrown the ball into the air, he's hitting it across, Lotus saves it by just a hair and- Mono's spiked it! I didn't even see him move, Pinkie did you see?"

"Noperooni!"

Mono shrugged. "I know, I'm cool."

Applejack grit her teeth and blew some sand out of her nose.

"Mono's serve," the ref stated. Mono tossed the object in the air and gave it a graceful hit. Applejack bounced the ball back into the air and Rainbow Dash spiked it towards Mono's field.

Mono instead zipped to the ball and volleyed it further into the air and followed it with a distance-skipping jump. A high-velocity spin later and the ball was sent into the mares' field, requiring very little effort on Mono's part.

"Mono: two, Ponyvillians: zero!"

Mono faced the aggravated fillies and pushed the inside of his cheek with his tongue while mimicking a quite vulgar motion with his gloved hand. The four of them went scarlet and he laughed sadistically.

Applejack and Rainbow Dash got busy, this time the ball being their serve as a kind gesture from Mono. Aloe served the ball, which then went to her sister, which was flung into the air and smacked backwards by Dash to AJ, who caught the violently-spinning deathball and flung it clear over the net.

"Mono's gonna have a tough time matching that power!"

A quick smirk from Mono and suddenly several flickering copies of him appeared on the field. One flickering image tapped the ball over his head to the back of the court. The next copy pushed the ball higher than before. Yet another vibrating afterimage sent it straight up.

"He's moving fast enough to create clones of himself! He's found the mirror poo-." Pinkie was cut off by Spike's fist entering her mouth. "Shush you," he said.

Just then, the sand rocketed up and a single human chibi spiked the ball with deadly speed, distorting the shape of the sphere into a violently spinning oval. This time, the impact drove sand apart and the ball corkscrewed completely into the ground. Mono fell back to earth and grinned.

"That fast enough for ya, Tootaloo?"

"Woah! He just. Made. Afterimages! How'd you do that? Are you Kid Flash, or are you Speedy Gonzales?" Pinkie Pie continued to shout to Mono excitedly, and in response he simply shrugged.

Rainbow Dash snarled at the smug expression on the human's face, daring him to pull another stunt. Aloe and Lotus gathered the other two into a small group huddle, leaving the human to roll his eyes and yawn obnoxiously.

"Done yet? I'm kinda getting bored. I mean, you're just so slow," he taunted with a toothy grin.

Scootaloo burst above the crowd furiously with her wings beating quickly. "WHAT?" She was pulled back down by her tail, leaving Mono with an amused chuckle.

Shortly afterward, the group joined hooves and separated.

"Your serve," Mono gestured with a single hand, his mittens allowing pseudo-fingers to appear. "Do whatever you want, ladies. Ref, give them no penalties."

Aloe served the ball, straight into the air. Lotus bumped it with her muzzle, and Applejack gave a mighty spin while standing on her hind hooves. Bringing her fore hooves together, she devastated the object of the game with a space-distorting hit, sending the ball straight into the cloudy sky.

Mono deadpanned. "Great job. You ruined the game for everybody." He began clapping sarcastically, congratulating their stupidity. Then the ball crashed at his feet, sending a wave of sand into his face.

Rainbow Dash dive-bombed from the heavens, a huge grin on her muzzle. She began cackling at the Sand Man that Mono had become. Mono shook off the offending powdered crystals and glared at the four mares.

"Well played, ladies. Your serve again," he remarked calmly, having regained his nerve. He kicked the ball to them and watched the quartet expectantly.

Using the same play, Applejack sent the ball through the clouds. Mono kept his eyes on the three mares on the ground instead.

"So. We have four and a half seconds before Rainbow Dash hits the ball and it arrives here. Remember to keep your eyes on the ball." A small, white speck appeared from above. "Because you are not gonna want to miss this," he whispered.

Just as the volleyball reached him, his fists came together and the ball became a wildly spinning oval against his arms. With a great heave, it was sent into the skies, much as the mares had done.

The ball made its way back down, nearing Mono's side of the court rapidly. "Do not lose your composure, do not break your stance, stretch out your awareness, and do not let your guard down for even a second," he remarked calmly.

He burst into an even greater number of afterimages of himself, his speed outpacing the visual receptors in the ponies' brains. They saw him jumping in the air near the net and sliding across the sand in the back. Waving to the right and preparing for the ball to the left. Yet another trio did a jig to distract them.

The ball fell to Mono's side of the court and was whisked away by an afterimage, which was then sent to another at the front, wherein all the copies abruptly disappeared as one.

"Where'd he-" Spike began.

BABOOM

The sonic explosion rattled the residents of Ponyville and shook windows, sending severals pets into howls and screeches. The ball spun away merrily in the center of a cloud of dust, leaving Mono's opponents dumbfounded.

Dead center on the Ponyvillians' side of the court was a conical crater with a white sphere losing centripetal force. The manes of the four mares were in disarray, the sheer force of the impact driving the wind about them.

Silence reigned over the crowd and the two announcers.

Mono stepped onto the mares' side of the court, where they all stood stock still. Reaching into both of his pockets, the human pulled out the confetti.

\\||||////

I threw the confetti over the four losers' heads and deadpanned immediately. As the confetti rained down I brought my hands into the air and motioned them grandly.

"You lose," I said, turning around to walk away.

And so I let them stand, motionless, in a glittery, showy, shower of stupid.

\\||||////

"And that Miss Cheerilee, is why we need him on our side," Sweetie Belle gestured to Mono. The school teacher watched the small alien walk away slowly, her mind struggling to comprehend the event that just took place.

"I knew he was fast but… wow." Miss Cheerilee raised a hoof to Sweetie's and bumped it. "You win."

Author's Note

Inspired by the Panty and Stocking series.

ARC II THEME

[ARC II] Chapter 19- The Hardest Part is Finding a Unicorn and Making It Cry

[]

"I like control." -Michael Jordan

"Why do you need to go to see Applebloom again?" Sweetie Belle trotted alongside Scootaloo and I. Turns out she wasn't all that she was cracked up to be. While certainly unbearably adorable, she was also unbearably… good. But, she was very prone to peer pressure and so Scootaloo and I managed to guilt-trip her into coming along after a rather uneventful day at the Schoolhouse.

"I want to check out Applejack's trees. I know they're apple trees, but how does she grow apples that big? And if it's magic, I want to know." I saw Sweet Apple Acres encroaching on the horizon. "Hi ho Silver!"

"Get off," Scootaloo deadpanned. I rolled my eyes and did so. I made a half-promise to behave myself. And just so you know, a half-promise is a promise that you can skirt around half of the time. I divide my time well, thank you.

As we walked up the drive to the farmhouse, I saw Applebloom waving to us with her sister standing just behind her. I waved back with my eyes closed, a friendly smile plastered on my face.

"Corny mode, activate."

"Heya A.B.! What's cookin'?"

She smiled broadly and laughed. "Not much, Chibs! How about you?"

I felt my smile twitch along with my eyes, and I painstakingly smiled harder than before. "Not much. You said you had a tree house around here?"

"Yeah! C'mon slowpokes!"

Applejack motioned a hoof to her eyes and then to me. Next she pointed at her trees and rose a hoof. She then brought that hoof down, making a significant indent in the dirt.

I shrugged and followed Applebloom until Applejack turned around to head back inside, then I blasted past the Cutie Mark Crusaders and appeared at the step of their hut.

"What's up, slowpokes?" I grinned deviously and Applebloom huffed. As they all went inside, I stretched and yawned. Sweetie Belle looked back at me before going inside.

"Mono? Are you coming in?" she asked. I jogged in place and nodded.

"Yeah. After I take a little jog." Sweetie Belle nodded and closed the door.

With my arms over my head and behind my back, I opened one eye in the midst of my stretch, and when I was sure they weren't checking on me, I pulled out a huge saw.

Pulling out The List, I checked it once more.

"…rings of a tree," I whispered slowly. Picking a direction, I ran deeper into the orchard.

\\||||////

I made my way out of the orchard with a three-inch sliver from the trunk of a tree. I don't know which one and what part of the orchard specifically, there were a lot of fucking trees.

Next on The List was Cloud Mist, followed by a rubber hammer and nails, and then laughter. That would have to do for the day, as a lot of the others required either some thought, a lot of thought, or shattering the space-time continuum whilst committing royal crimes.

"I'm down with that," I mumbled. I had already desecrated Applejack's trees, so I was in deep enough as it was. For Cloud Mist I would need a particularly moronic, prismatic pegasus and a healthy batch of complete cartoon bullcrap.

Ask and thou shalt receive. I saw Rainbow Dash snoring on a cloud just as I entered Ponyville. I was in no real rush, so I had walked the entire way. Undoubtedly, Applejack would be racing here to find me, and that would just supercharge the situation and make it all the more beneficial.

"Hey! Rainbow Douche!" She didn't stir. I grumbled and kept moving anyway. I could get the rest while she slept in the sky. I skipped to laughter, because I couldn't think of where to nab some rubber nails and a rubber hammer.

I made my way, regrettably, to Sugar Cube Corner for the Laughter. I opened the door and Pinkie smiled brightly. "Hiya Chibs! Come to enjoy a tasty Equestrian treat?" I walked past the counter and stopped in front of her.

This was the key to the ingredient.

"Where are the twins?" I asked immediately. The faster I got to my ingredient the better. While she might have been the Element of laughter, she was god-awful annoying. Better to just get the foals to laugh and leave it at that.

"Oh, they're upstairs. Why do you want to see them?" she asked. I thought quickly.

"To give them hugs and kisses of course!"

She giggled, said "okay" and went back to work. I made my way up the stairs and into the first room. A bathroom. Damn. I couldn't remember the room the twins stayed in.

"Oh well…"

I made my way to the next door, and was buried in cleaning equipment and toys in an instant. Grumbling, I kicked the lot of the junk back inside and stomped to the third and final door.

I opened it hastily, and calmly shut the door immediately afterward. "Well, seeing two ponies screw is the last thing I wanted to see today, but at least it's not an ingredient." I then turned around and saw the one door I hadn't entered yet.

Going inside I saw that Pumpkin and Pound were asleep, and so I took my sweet time opening my laptop and getting the recording software prepared. After opening Audacity, I approached the cribs slowly.

Inside, both foals were sleeping peacefully. This was easily amended by saying "hey". As they blinked and stared up at my equally-flat eyes, they tilted their heads to the side. I made a silly face and they continued to stare at me.

Rolling my eyes, I pulled a bag of flour from behind me and ripped it open, letting the white powder cascade over my glare. They loved it, obviously, and began clapping and laughing. With that done, I went back to my laptop and closed it, hopping out the window and leaving the floury mess behind for that diabetic she-devil.

\\||||////

"Cheesiness," I read from The List. "Now where in the hell would I find-"

Nanny Joyful trotted by and I tucked The List back into my coat. "Bingo."

I followed her to the park, where she sat on a bench, or laid down more like. I quickly approached her and asked the golden question.

"Can you tell me a joke?" I asked her. She smiled and nodded, taking a second to chew and swallow her food, which I think was some kind of flower sandwich.

"Two stallions are walking down the street and see a dog licking its genitals. One stallion says to the other, 'Whoa! I wish I could do that!' The other stallion raises his eyebrows and says, 'Go ahead dude, but if I were you, I'd pet him first.'"

My brows furrowed. I didn't want to laugh, this was serious shit. I needed a legitimately corny joke, but that was pretty good. "Damn, too good. Almost there, but not terrible enough," I said, making my way back into town with my bag slung over my shoulder.

"Where am I going to get a corny joke, someone who has never had any major social interaction and is a total friggin' softie?" I heard trumpets blare and wings beat, bringing my attention to the sky.

There, being ushered in by a platoon of pegasi in white armor, was Twilight Sparkle.

"Mission objective is a go." I grinned and straightened my hat.

\\||||////

I pushed open the door to Twilight's home after I led the guards away from the door. It wasn't really that hard to be honest. After making my way inside, I saw her using magic to create a suitable bed and furniture.

"Twilight," I said calmly. She jumped and spun about.

"Mono? What are you doing-"

"ACH!"

\\||||////

"-here?" Twilight made her way down the wooden stairs, forgoing the use of her wings. Mono kept with his deadpan, his hands stuffed in his pockets. He flinched momentarily, but made no comment on it.

"I'm bored. I was wondering if you could maybe tell me a joke?" His bored expression seemed to certainly entail his need for humor, but was he really so deserving?

Twilight sighed mentally. "I guess I might as well…"

"Okay. I know a few good jokes!" She smiled and sat. "When does Friday come before Thursday?" She was met with silence and furrowed eyebrows from the chibi.

"In a dictionary!" She beamed at him, her eyes sparkling with amusement. Mono simply nodded and wrote something down, then turned around and left. Twilight was left in the afterglow of… nothing really…

\\||||////

Mono walked outside and groaned. "Holy shit that was cornier than penicillin." He continued to travel down the road whilst reading The List he had so furtively copied from an old commercial.

By doing so, he withheld his attention from the pathway, thus marring his ability to sidestep approaching ponies.

"Next I should probably do some stuff back in Canterlot… The rest I can save for later I guess…"

He continued to walk because someone hadn't yet managed to do the thing that was supposed to take place. Mono walked through town obliviously, luckily not hitting any other pedestrians except the one he was supposed to.

A coin dropped, the clear, echoing clink reverberating in Mono's ears.

Mono heard the sound crisp and loud, and his blood froze. Before he could even react, he hit something blue. Mono promptly hit the ground, dropping The List and landing on his shoulder bag.

"Ah!" He quickly got up and glared at the strange-looking pony in front of him. The pony regarded him… almost fondly… The green eyes sparkled brightly, as if inviting Mono to take part in conversation, which the little human certainly did.

"What the fuck is your problem?" He stood up and got in the blue pony's grill. The mysterious pony simply grinned.

"My name's Penchant. I own Transition Tech in Manehatten. Pleasure to bump into you, Mr. Nucleosis. I'd like to discuss business, as I'm very interested in how you may play a role in Equestria's future."

The stallion's voice reminded Mono of his own, yet slightly more gentle and stoic. His blue coat shone like he had recently groomed it, and the mane atop his head seemed to reflect, no- radiate light. His wings remained tucked at his sides and his mane was combed back professionally. All in all, this stallion looked as if he had prepared for this encounter ahead of time.

Penchant gave a confident grin and picked up Mono's list with a hoof. "Interesting list…"

"Hey." Mono snatched it back with a nasty snarl. "Hooves off, fucknuts."

Penchant chuckled and gave a reserved smile. "Ah. That is so refreshing, you have no idea." While Mono quirked an eyebrow, Penchant continued. "In Manehatten, I'm continuously referred to as 'sir' or 'master'. It was getting absolutely ridiculous. None of my employees refer to me as a common pony. Every Faustdamn day I trot in and am immediately surrounded by suck-ups and flank-kissers. To be honest I'm just tired of their bullshit."

Mono didn't know what to make of this stallion. "He's pretty okay, I guess. I mean, he does have a metric fuckton of bits I bet. And he's opposed to the view his employees have of him. I'll humor him for now, I suppose."

"Let's talk over a nice lunch. Know any good spots around here?" Mono asked the new stallion.

Penchant grinned. "Yes, in fact I do. The Spotted Lupus."

"Hooray, let's eat s'more fucking grass. In fact, let's just be a bunch of fucking nutless pansies who can't stand a little meat," Mono spat. Penchant just raised an eyebrow to fit his knowing smile.

"I never said you could go without getting a nice lamb flambe."

Mono paused. "I'm in."

Author's Note

Sorry this was a few hours late. I was a bit tired.

[ARC II] Chapter 20- I Suppose We Should Call This Chapter Twenty

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"Has anypony seen Mono?" asked Twilight Sparkle. The citizens that had just finished bowing to her adopted a singular look reminiscent of Celestia's. "You know what, nevermind. Just leave him be, I suppose."

"Pinkie Pie sure has her work cut out for her," she thought in bemusement. Speaking of the energetic pink party pony, where exactly was she? "I wonder where-" Twilight's train of thought was derailed, thrown through the air and exploded; coming to a stop at a cliff, where it soon after fell off into a bottomless crevasse.

"Hiya Twilight!" Pinkie Pie appeared literally from underneath a stone next to Twilight. I can't make this up. She just, like, appeared there. "Ah! It's so refreshing being able to use some crazy magic now that Mono's not around! I mean, look what he's doing to this town!"

Twilight looked out on the town and gave a concerned frown. Pinkie was right, all of the townspeople seemed to be ornery about something or another. However, they were showing no animosity towards one another. "Oh yeah, I wonder who's got their jimmies in a rustle…"

Twilight had surprised herself. She had never before even thought to make a sarcastic comment as such. Perhaps she had been around Mono for too long? Maybe the meat was affecting her psyche. That bacon had smelled pretty good, and she couldn't really resist just taking a nibble…

Twilight, despite her surroundings, found that she was embarrassing herself by memory alone. Yes, she had partaken in meat, but as a psuedo-goddess she found that it did not poison her. And, rather shamefully, she had stolen and consumed the plate of bacon she found in the castle's halls.

But, hidden in the tall grass of embarrassment and self-loathing was a devious creature that had taken some sick pleasure from the act. This creature, however, was on a short leash… "But more bacon couldn't hurt…"

Public relations be damned, meat was delicious. And if her little ponies didn't accept, that was just too bad. "Pinkie, do you know where Mono is right now?" To find Mono would be to continue, and finish, her experiments, and possibly begin new tests as well. And meat, don't forget meat.

"Oh, he was chatting with a brand new pony in town! Wait, why haven't I thrown him a party yet?" Pinkie sat down in thought, her tongue hanging out of her shut mouth. "Ah, that's right! Because he's a fancy business pony on fancy business duty!"

"Business duty?" Twilight inquired. Pinkie nodded rapidly.

"Yeah! He's the stallion that used your special new spell and made televisions out of it! I've got one, Rarity's got one, most ponies in town have one too! Heeheehee! 'One too!' That's so silly! Good thing this is text-based or fans would have trouble understanding my erratic, comical behavior in a rational way!"

Twilight rolled her eyes and laughed. Pinkie was so random. So random, in fact, that she suddenly ran into a wall and collapsed. Twilight rushed over. It seemed Pinkie Pie had knocked herself out cold on account of being a schizophrenic pink piece of garbage with a knack for being uncannily genre savvy. Truly a dangerous tool.

Emphasis on tool.

Twilight, figuring she'd be fine, teleported her to Sugar Cube Corner and made her way through the town again, basking in the adoration of many ponies whom she still called friends. It was certainly strange, however, knowing that these ponies would live and die while she herself lived on throughout the ages.

What was the point of friendship if all your friends would just die anyway, leaving you to experience a sad and lonely life filled with hollow experiences and pointless endeavors. And birthday parties…

Really, what is a birthday party? In actuality it's just celebrating the encroaching moment of inevitable death. Pretty depressing when you really think about it, huh? Twilight moved on to the market to find her friend Applejack working at the usual apple stall. It was as if nothing had changed since she'd been gone.

"Well now, howdy doody, yer majesty," she drawled. Oh, that feels so good to make her say. 'Howdy doody', what a hick thing to say. To drawl. Drawl drawl drawl DRAWL. Yeah. "What brings ya back to Ponyville, Twi?"

Twilight paused. In truth, it was Mono who had brought her out of her beautiful beach-side home in Neighpon, but how would that sound to her friend. Of course, she couldn't lie to the Element of Honesty…

She tried anyway, of course.

"Oh, you know, just wanted to see my friends and get a feel for the old country again." You know, it was probably the 'you know' that gave her away. Terrible beginner mistakes, really.

"You're here for Mono, ain't ya?" Applejack sure got over that 'yer' fast. It's not even a word, yet you see it used so often. Oh wait! 'You' is considered bad writing in some cases, and if you read 'you' at any other time in this story, I'd highly advise you un-see 'you' as long as you read the rest of this fic, okay? Awesome.

Twilight rubbed the nape of her neck with some mild embarrassment. Wait a cotton-pickin' minute! 'Nape of neck'? Why don't I just say: 'the back of her neck of her neck'! It's neck-ception up in this!

"Sorry. I thought it would seem kind of insensitive. But, new alien and all that, couldn't resist." At least she was truthful after Applejack called her out on it, could you imagine if she wasn't? Oh man, that'd be counter-productive.

"It's alright Twi, I understand." Applejack huffed. "But I don't know what you'd want that little bugger for, anyways." Oh snap, she just called Mono out! Bitch got bravado…

"I know that he can be a bit… difficult, but Luna spoke to me about him. Apparently this is all a rather elaborate show. An act of desperation, if you will. He's trying to be unique by pushing everypony away."

Applejack quirked an eyebrow. "I don't get it." And she never will, because Twilight discovered she had places to go and aliens to bother, and so she absconded the hell out of there with a hasty "goodbye".

While she hadn't received directions from her hick chum, Twilight found that she had a vague idea of where the little barbaric, borderline schizophrenic human would be. It was lunchtime after all, so where better than a joint that serves meat in Ponyville?

As for the reasoning behind said joint: fuck you it's in Ponyville because it's pivotal, alright? Twilight, however, had not been privy to the location of the restaurant due to the fact that she became a Princess and lived in Neighpon for the past four months. There you go, an exact date.

And so, the Element of Magic became lost. What a nincompoop.

However, being the semi-nincompoop pony Princess that she is, she was more than inclined to ask for directions to the meat-serving restaurant. She received them from a stallion working a cabbage stall, and she followed his instructions, ending up outside of The Spotted Lupus.

Out came the human and a recognizable stallion from recent media, both in tears and laughing heartily.

"And then he says: 'But I'm a mare now!'"

The two cackled at the stallion's joke, and Mono doubled over in gleeful tears. Straightening back up, he wiped them away and smiled at Penchant. "Holy shit, that was the most amazing story I've ever heard."

Penchant's chuckling died down and he said, "Ooh, yeah. Oh man, that was one hell of a night. Whew…"

Penchant's gaze met Twilight's and he threw himself to the ground in a bow. "Princess! I didn't realize you were there! My apologies."

Mono's humor faded in an instant and he flashed a harsh glare at Twilight Sparkle. "You just had to ruin the moment, Mary Sue. What the hell's your problem, huh?" Mono's disappointment radiated from his expression, although Twilight was sufficiently immune to it by now.

"Shove it, Mono." Twilight clamped two hooves over her mouth, and Mono's wide-eyed stare split into a wry grin.

"THAT'S MY PRINCESS," He roared happily.

Author's Note

Strike back.

[ARC II] Chapter 21- Crusaders+Idea=Everfree Forest

[]

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on. -Robert Frost

"Letter for Mister Nucleosis!" I barely managed to dodge Ditzy Doo, whose impact with the ground threw up dust around herself. I extended a hand and Ditzy Doo placed the letter into my waiting mitten.

Applebloom looked over my shoulder, annoying me greatly. I sincerely hate when anyone does that. "What's that Mono?" she asked. I ignored her and continued to stroll down the plain dirt road from Sweet Apple Acres.

"Thank you, Ditzy," I said politely and opened the envelope. The gray mailmare saluted and flew away. Tossing the shredded envelope aside, I began to read the letter it had contained.

I read the letter from Fancy and I almost cried tears of joy. Flim and Flam had arrived in Canterlot and were being brought up to speed by Fancy Pants and Fleur. Meanwhile, the pen's patent had been bought and approved. I had officially re-invented the ball-point pen.

In other news, I had to get myself a copy of The Canterlot Times, because apparently Shining Armor's coronation was set for later this week. He was going to be a fucking princess. I laughed aloud at reading this, and continued onwards shortly after wiping the tears out of my eyes.

"What is it, Mono?" Applebloom asked me. I flipped over the paper for her to read and pointed at the sentence in particular. She scanned the page before adopting a baffled look. She too then burst into childish laughter, which made me laugh again, then her, then me and so on and so forth.

After a good six minutes of laughter recycling, we continued to walk. "Oh yeah, I'm probably gonna be a millionaire after I get out of Ponyville." I ignored her shocked stare and kept on reading Fancy's letter. Flim and Flam had been cleaned up and were currently taking etiquette classes, which was great. No room for sleazes on my train.

Quick Script had found somebody to sell her interview to for…

"Five hundred thousand bits!" I gaped at the paper and continued reading. She would be placing a quarter of the fund, which was more like a ransom, into our company. That meant I owed her one, or one hundred and twenty-five thousand, which I was completely fine with.

The guards at the palace were now receiving increased pay and were making great progress on their literacy issue. Twilight Sparkle had been helping them before traveling to Ponyville yesterday, which I was grateful for.

Blueblood had been called out for his racism and now had some massive negative press stalking him constantly, which made me giggle at his misfortune. Celestia had informed the zebra Prime Minister that I would be competing in the Harmonious Sports Tournament and he had hastily vowed to best Ponyville.

"Good luck with that, chump." Already we had financial backers for our project, which made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside because I had a lot more planned. Quill companies were already staging against me, according to one of Fancy's insiders, and they were intent on taking my industry down. "Once again: good luck, chumps."

Oh, and Lyra's group had been denied a hearing in Celestia's court thanks to my ten-foot tall cake bribe that I had set aside for Celestia prior to my absence in Canterlot. I had been waiting to use that wild card for a while. Folding the letter and depositing it into my coat, I stuffed my hands into my pockets and smiled.

"Well, no more staying at the Schoolhouse for me then," I chuckled. Applebloom rose an eyebrow again.

"You've been staying in the Schoolhouse this entire time?" Applebloom asked me, clearly surprised.

"It is a bit embarrassing, isn't it?" I thought with a down-trodden deadpan on my face. Yeah, it was pretty fucking sad now that I really think about it. Nodding slowly, I said, "Yeah. Twilight offered to house me."

"Why wouldn't ya stay with a Princess?! They're royalty," she exclaimed in confusion. The answer was painfully obvious to me, and so I felt tired repeating myself again. I didn't want to explain that arriving in Ponyville was enough already and that bunking at Twilight's would have just been completing this half-baked circle jerk of stupidity.

I saved my breath instead.

"Cliche, yadda yadda the usual Mono-brand bullshit. Besides, Penchant let me know about some place he rented outside of town, and no commute is too far for me." She accepted this as an answer and we continued on down the road towards Ponyville where we were set to meet up with the rest of the Crusaders to finally collect everything on the List in one fell swoop.

And so we continued into Ponyville at a leisurely pace.

\\||||////

We arrived in Ponyville only to be tackled to the ground by Scootaloo. Pushing myself up, I glared at her. "What the fuck, Scoots?!" I shouted.

Instead of apologizing, she shook me by my shoulders and shouted into my face. "Sweetie's horn just dragged her into the Everfree!"

Groaning, I pulled the brow of my hat down and glared at nothing in particular. "Goddamn motherfucking sonuvabitch horseshit cliches."

\\||||////

"Why the fuck is it always the goddamned Everfree?" I pushed a branch out of the way and my crabby mood was brought back tenfold when a second branch smacked me in the face.

"Sorry Mono!" Applebloom called back. I grumbled about her stupidity and forged ahead anyway, forcing my anger down. Luckily for us, Sweetie Belle's hooves had dragged across the ground, leaving deep indentations through the woods.

I slipped an earphone under the left ear of my hat and shuffled my library. Clicking 'play', I trudged onwards to the soothing tones of The Heavy. The Everfree's branches swooped from some winds, giving the girls a chill and making some birds fly into the gray sky.

We were soon out of the first section of the Everfree, and once we were in the main woods, I took the earphones out and strode ahead of the Crusaders. I knew it was going to happen at some point, so why not jump start it?

"Look at me, I'm so tasty. I hope a wood monster doesn't leap out of the bushes and take advantage of my small stature and heavenly deliciousness." I put my arms in the air and spun about three times. Utter silence responded to my bait and I deadpanned.

"I guess they're all bark and no bite."

"Mono? What are you-!" Scootaloo's question was interrupted by a demonic howl that chilled them to their very bones. I, however, saw this coming a mile away. Four of the wooden beasts known as Timberwolves had made themselves known, and were now circling us with hungry looks in their eyes.

"Huh. There aren't that many of them. Maybe they're a splinter group?" I pondered out loud. The wolves howled and three more joined their ranks from the brush and darkness.

"Mono! Stop talking!" Applebloom shout-whispered to me. Obviously, I didn't heed her advice.

I stared down the biggest wolf. "So, let me carve you a picture here." This elicited more howls of anger. "Now, everyone in this pony town is pretty twigged and I think that they do some stupid shit."

"Stop making puns, Mono! You're making them mad!"

And indeed I was. The lime-green sap cascading from their snarling maws was obvious enough. I knew for a fact that my puns- which were making me sick even saying them- were quickly aggravating the Timberwolves.

"But we've been walking for a while and my back is stiff as a board. It'd be great if you'd just let us walk bast." I could hear Applebloom facehoof from where I was standing, and the comment made the wolves even angrier. I have to admit that even I internally cringed at the failed pun.

Thankfully, that last terrible pun did the trick. Four of the ferocious woodland monsters lunged for me, and I activated my speed ability. "For a monstrous cliche, this power is really working out well for me."

The four wolves descended upon me slowly, and in rapid succession I bopped them each on the snout. Letting my ability fade, the four Timberwolves fell to the ground in a pile of firewood.

The wolves remaining stared down at their lost brethren, expecting them to form up. When the tell-tale glow failed to appear, however, they elicited concerned snorts and snarls.

Before they could react, the three standing wolves were each hit on the snouts consecutively by me when I blasted forward in a bout of vicious speed.

The wooden corpses of the Timberwolves slowly decomposed before us, blanketing the area in sawdust. I clapped my hands together and motioned for the Crusaders to lead the way yet again. I wasn't gonna barrel head-long into whatever the fuck was out there.

Sharing a quick look, the two shrugged their shoulders and kept on course. They had gotten over my bullshit faster than I had expected, but hey, good on them for putting up with it in the first place.

Sweetie Belle's tracks, if you could call them that, continued on through the forest and to the Ghastly Gorge, at least another ten minutes of trudging through wilderness.

I smacked away a massive beetle with a stick, then brought my attention back to Sweetie's tracks.

Straight up a goddamn mountain. I groaned and we began to hike up. The things I did for the best pony…

After a solid sixteen minutes we made our way to the top and peeked over the edge of the plateau situated on the top. All we could see was a cave and the tracks from Sweetie's hooves leading into it.

"It's awful dark in there," Applebloom said slowly as she gulped. Scootaloo nodded.

"Yeah, I would go in, but my doctor said I needed to get more Vitamin D, so…"

The two of them looked at me, and I deadpanned in annoyance. "You guys suck," I muttered before I hoisted myself up and over the edge. A quick burst of speed and a short jog later, and I was at the mouth of the cave.

"Uh… Sweetie? Sweetie Belle!" The only response I received was an echo. I grit my teeth and cupped my hands around my mouth. "GET THE FUCK OUT HERE!"

This time, I was answered with a thunderous roar and a disgusting blast of air that wafted over me and nearly made me gag. The ground began to rumble and I went wide eyed as the current denizen of the cave glared down at me.

With blood-orange scales, bone-white spines that would make Godzilla jealous, and two yellow eyes that burned with all the fury of hell; I was more than a little frightened. "Where's Sweetie Belle?" Scootaloo called out behind me, oblivious of the beast just beyond her sight inside the cave.

I ran back in a panic. "Forget Sweetie! Sweetie's dead!"

Author's Note

I'm finally happy with the quality of this chapter. Sorry for the wait. I should be releasing the edited version of Chapter 22 in a few days. Peace.

[ARC II] Chapter 22- Chunks

[]

"I hate cliche." -Robert Plant

"What?" Applebloom managed to ask before Mono's shoe introduced itself to her muzzle. His pupils were gone, replaced with two white, wide ovals that emphasized just how unnatural his being really was.

"Run, bitch, run!" he screamed. An angered roar threw up the dust around the plateau, and the rays of the sun were blocked when the dragon unfurled its leathery wings. "Oh fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck-fuck…"

Applebloom held her snout, her eyes squeezed shut. "Mono, what the heck?"

The human ignored her and watched the dragon look about for the bastard that had dared to wake it. Mono crouched down low, pulling the other two with him. Unfortunately, Applebloom had not fully recovered from the kick and face-planted into the dirt.

"Okay, you guys cause a distraction and I'll run to town to get help," he rattled off quickly. Scootaloo glared at him.

"No! You distract the dragon and we'll get help from Rainbow Dash and her friends." Mono deadpanned at her adamant refusal.

"You mean Twilight and company?" he restated for her. "Anyway, I can make it back to town in minutes, it'll take forever for you two to get there by yourselves."

Scootaloo narrowed her eyes. "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah," Mono said. The fire in Scootaloo's eyes erupted, and she swung Applebloom onto her hooves.

"Let's move, A.B.!" she shouted before taking off at breakneck speed down the hill and into the Everfree. Mono stared at the cloud of dust, speechless.

"They fuckin' left me here!" he bellowed in disbelief. A curious grunt let him know that he was now the distraction that Scootaloo had wanted him to be. A series of stomps further alluded to this, as well as the shadow that now loomed over him.

The draconic slits of the beast burned into Mono's pin-prick brown eyes.

"Why me?" he asked just as the dragon built a fire in its throat.

\\||||////

Applebloom's head hurt. All she saw were swirls of black, green and orange.

Now was a good time to sleep.

\\||||////

"Dammit!" I shouted while the dragon stomped about. Normally it'd be easy to run circles around this twenty-ton toothy tool, but with his stomping came shaking. And shaking meant that I lost my footing if I ran too fast.

So my ability was hindered and I was scared shitless; not the worst situation I've ever been in. I could make out Sweetie Belle at the mouth of the cave, watching the chase unfold. I hoped she wasn't squeamish.

A sound of whooshing air was all the warning I got before a whip-like orange tail ripped the ground from under me, sending me hurtling through the air and into the wall of stone leading up the mountain. I sped down the side of the rock wall once I hit it and ground to a halt in front of the dragon.

"Missed me, shithead!" I shouted up at it. The dragon snorted and raised its claws again. "Don't hurt me!"

\\||||////

Scootaloo was hauling some serious filly ass. Already she had cut the thirty-minute expanse they had previously trudged through by twenty minutes and was already racing for the exit with Applebloom's tail clenched in her teeth.

The orange and yellow ballistic missile tore through the woodland area just as Mono had screeched down Canterlot's streets, knocking anything unfortunate enough to be in their way aside.

A manticore landed in front of the duo, expecting an easy meal, only to be rejected back into the dense forest canopy at nauseating speeds. Scootaloo was probably the fastest thing on land.

\\||||////

I was probably the fastest thing on two legs at the moment. Now that the dragon had begun using its tail to thrash at me, its body was stationary, allowing me to run around it unimpeded.

No more shaking meant a massive confidence boost for myself and in my cliché abilities. Dodging the barbed tail was easy enough with the speed granted by some existential force, and so I essentially played a game of jump-rope for several minutes.

The blood-orange dragon, however, grew tired of the game quickly. With a quick stomp, I was sent sprawling face-first into the stony ground. "Fuckin' A that hurt…" I thought while I stumbled about in a futile effort to stand.

I say it was futile because a quick tail swipe suddenly knocked my entire body into one of the few trees on the plateau. I fell down the trunk like one of those… fuck what are they called? Those sticky frog things that fell down a window when you threw them on. Screw it, I can't remember what they're called, but I think you get the concept: I looked stupid.

Hitting the ground with literal swirls in my eyes and drool hanging off the side of my lips was a fairly vulnerable position that the dragon used to prepare its second gout of fire.

Shaking my head and staring up at the swirling flames, I breathed a silent 'fuck me sideways' and prepared to move.

\\||||////

"Fluttershy isn't home. Not a problem," Scootaloo's mind determined. If Fluttershy wasn't at home, and if she wasn't in the forest, then she was with her friends. And what better than a soft, buttery pansy than six fearless mares?

Scootaloo's speed had begun to mount, carrying herself and Applebloom several strides with just a few skips and a multitude of wing flaps. The orange pegasus’ wings moved in reminiscence of a hummingbird's own, buzzing at incalculable speeds.

This fluttering further perpetuated her forward thrust. Where most pegasi would use their wings to push off the air in strong, confident flaps, Scootaloo's rapid flitting allowed for a near constant rate of propulsion.

This, coupled with her already athletic abilities, had her giving Mono a run for his money while she exploded into town. Down the road, sitting around a table at a cafe, was the Mane Six.

Scootaloo's hooves dug into the ground, but they weren't enough to stop her. In an act of brilliance and ingenuity, she spun Applebloom from behind her and used her as a brace, jamming her head into the ground.

Thankfully, Applebloom's thick skull brought Scootaloo to a halt in front of the Elements, allowing the pegasus filly to explain the situation to the six older mares.

Applebloom pulled her aching head out of the dirt like an ostrich who felt the alluring call of safety. In a daze, she stumbled right into Applejack's path, getting thrown up into the air and onto her sister's back.

"Yeehaw Applebloom! Let's roll!"

The only thing rolling for Applebloom was the sky as her eyes spun wildly.

\\||||////

"Puff! The magic dragon!" I screamed at the top of my lungs in a desperate attempt to pull the monster into a blind rage. Well, not so much blind as all its attention would be on me. "This is a bad idea, isn't it?"

My flying through the air for the umpteenth time signaled my correctness. This time, however, I righted myself and ran down the side of the rocks, reengaging with my shenanigans again.

Anything that came to mind was working wonders on this colossus, it was as if human culture repulsed it especially. This tactic worked favorably for me against the massive bastard, and I was practically flying around it by this point, abandoning the ground in favor of rapid bursts of speed in mid-air. With this, I was able to relocate before I even touched the ground, simply using my momentum to keep me airborne.

"You hit like an amphibian!" This got an annoyed snort out of the dragon and a good thrashing. The tail ripped the ground beneath my feet to rubble, all while I danced around it carefully. After a few seconds, it stopped, letting me comment again.

"Your landscaping skills need work, fucknuts."

\\||||////

With Twilight's newfound alicorn godliness, the trip's time was sliced, diced, crushed, puréed, spiced and served on a silver platter with a glass of wine on the side.

Bursting up the mountain as fast as they could, the Elements took a moment to watch the black blur that was Mono flit around like a fruit fly. The chibi moved with such speed that he seemed to be in more than one place at a single time.

He stopped momentarily to cup his hands around his mouth. "Marco!"

The dragon's shoulder twitched and its tail tore into the rock behind it, sending Mono scurrying away at blistering speeds. However Mono had managed it, he had severely pissed the dragon off. And however Mono was enjoying it, well… that was a bit of a mystery.

A rock sailed out from the cave and knocked the dragon in the eye, causing it to swivel its gigantic horned head around to stare at its assaulter. Sweetie Belle stood at the mouth of the cave, suddenly going wide-eyed while the dragon built a fire in its throat.

A black blur shot in front of Sweetie as the dragon prepared to release its gout of fiery destruction, and Mono quickly threw his arms around Sweetie Belle.

With a powerful breath, flames enveloped the entire mouth of the cave, covering everything in a deep black ash and red-orange tongues of fire.

"Sweetie Belle!" Rarity shouted over the roar of the blaze. It slowly died down, leaving a pitch-black layering over the entire area. "…No… Sweetie…"

The entire group stared on in shock at the situation. Their friend and fellow pony: burned to death. The first alien on Terran: burned to death. They nearly exploded into emotion before a cough shook them from their near-descent into sorrow and rage.

"Oh… ACH! Goddamn… ACH-ACH! You okay, Sweetie?"

"Putooy! Yeah, just some soot in my mouth…"

The dragon lowered its head to the ground to examine its should-be victims. Instead it found a chibi and pony dusting themselves off. Mono stared at the dragon and shrugged. "This is new for me too, ya know."

The silence very much nearly ended the situation until the dragon re-engaged the battle by tearing a boulder from the side of the mountain in a show of strength and irritation at this strange creature's meddling.

However, Fluttershy's shrill whistle broke even the awkward silence filling the space between the ponies and the dragon across the plateau. "Mister Dragon, put that boulder down!" Fluttershy yelled.

With a tremendous crash that shook the earth, a humongous chunk of stone nearly the size of Fluttershy's house embedded itself in the ground. The dragon cocked one scaly eyebrow to emphasize its confusion with the situation it found itself in.

\\||||////

Fluttershy's wings brought her muzzle to gigantic fucking eye with the dragon, and she began to spout the whole list of bad things the dragon did while using The Stare.

The poor bastard started shaking it was so scared. Its eyes shrunk and its complexion turned green while Fluttershy continued to chew it out, completely oblivious to the state of the monster.

"Uh, Flutters?" said Rainbow Dash.

Faster than even I could react, the dragon clutched its stomach, bent over, and vomited all over me. A wave of yellow, green, and pink washed over my body, blanketing me in the digestive remains of whatever it had previously eaten.

The wet, sloppy mix slowly oozed over my form while I stood stock-still in disbelief and disgust. I didn't want to believe it, I really didn't, but moving one of my feet and hearing the sick sucking sound of the thick half-digested meat pulling on my shoe confirmed it.

And then I lost my mind.

Author's Note

BOOYAH NOT SO CLICHÉ ANYMORE. *fistpump*

Also, sorry for the wait. I went through at least six different versions of this scenario, all of which had me cringing. I am much more pleased with this version and Applebloom has been abused aplenty.

Happy Belated Hearth's Warming

It was a quiet Hearth's Warming
And all through the night,
Not a fucker was stirring,
Not even Shade Flight.

Princess Celestia laid passed out,
Her face stuffed full with cake,
While a certain foul-mouthed human
Had a dream of steak.

The dream woke him from his slumber,
And Mono quickly sat up.
"I want some goddamn steak," he said.
"And from where I don't give a fuck."

Mono stumbled into the candle-lit halls,
Struggling to find his way.
"I just want some meat," he whined.
"I'll even friggin' pay!"

His wishes went unheard,
And he began to brood.
After walking for hours, he decided,
"Everyone is screwed."

Mono went back to his room
And tucked himself in bed.
He smiled by the firelight
With twisted thoughts in his head.

Mono laid in bed, snuggly warm
While harboring a minor case of Psychosis
"I'll teach these vegetarians," he vowed,
"Not to fuck with Mono Nucleosis."

The next morning came
And Mono was all smiles.
The ponies were still unaware
Of his ill-minded wiles.

Mono spent the day plotting
And took care to strategize.
As to what he was planning,
The guards could not surmise.

At 8PM exactly,
When ponies used their gifts again,
Mono grew a smirk
And flipped a switch within his den.

At first there was a rumble,
But then there was a crack!
Canterlot gave a groan,
Its supports had just been snapped!

Ponies began to scream
As Canterlot started to slip.
Mono laughed hysterically
And the two Princesses flipped.

"Mono!" they both shouted,
"What have you done?"
Mono turned and said to them,
"Just having my own brand of fun."

The city on the mountain
Began to slide down the slope.
You should have friggin' seen it,
'Cuz that shit was pretty dope.

A chaotic jingle-jangle
Permeated the town.
Mono had put bells everywhere,
Even on Luna's crown.

With a deadpan on her muzzle,
Luna crushed the bell.
Her nostrils flared and her eyes shone
With the fires of Hell.

Mono shrugged and looked outside,
The forest fast approaching.
"Don't worry girls, we're almost there,
And then I can get to poaching."

Before the Princesses both could pounce,
Canterlot came to a grinding halt.
Mono leapt outside with glee
And soon procured a catapult.

Mono launched into the forest,
His smile showing his teeth.
As he flew, he said as loud as he could,
"I'll bring back fresh Roast Beast!"

The Princesses stared after,
They didn't care anymore.
"I'm going back inside," Luna said.
"It's a cold even I can't ignore."

After so long of being with Mono,
Celestia's anger was no longer storming.
She retreated back inside while I
Wished you a Happy Hearth's Warming.

Author's Note

I butchered Christmas.

[ARC II] Chapter 23- Gem of Rages

[I'm getting rid of the Law and Order doink-doink because it's pretty pointless.]

"In human history, the desire for revenge and the desire for loot have often been closely associated." -John McCarthy

The ponies watched Mono fume at the dragon, his green fists swinging about wildly while he described how he would cook and eat it. The dragon’s wide eyes stared down at the puke-covered chibi giving the tirade. Mono never even took a breath while he described the exact things he would do to prepare the dragon’s intestine’s for a dish called haggis, going as far to spell out in detail how he would remove the organs.

“Should… should we stop him? Fluttershy’s looking kinda sick to her stomach…” Rainbow’s question went unanswered while Mono explained the term flambé and its relation to the dragon’s testicles. Rarity had her magic enveloping the young fillies’ ears, a look of abject horror plastered on her face.

“…and then I’ll heat the oven to three-fifty and bake cupcakes out of your fucking kidneys! I’ll use your stomach and lungs as balloons, because this has gotta be festive! Oh! Don’t forget to bring chips and dip, Pinkie! I’ll use your empty goddamn skull as a swimming pool and use your scales for various household items and tools!”

“Whew-wee, Mono is really getting into this, ain’t he? I ain’t never seen anypony so mad before.” Applejack used her hoof to prop her hat back, whistling at Mono’s description of culinary vengeance with an awed stare.

“…after that I’ll dash your occipital lobe with some paprika and salt, soufflé your temporal lobes, and serve them in your own massive fucking kneecaps! I’ll make a side out of your pancreas, maybe stir-fry it too so that the guests don’t get restless, and throw some lemon juice on it and leave a bowl of salsa and guacamole out as dip!”

“He is quite… vivid with his descriptions,” Twilight said. She really needed to inform Celestia about this, as Mono most likely needed a psychiatrist. The level of violence he had described so far greatly eclipsed even Sombra’s intentions as the King had outlined in his secret journals.

While Twilight pondered why Sombra even bothered to keep diaries about day-to-day events, the inner bully had begun to emerge from Mono’s very soul.

“Furthermore, I’d like to bast you in your own goddamn life juice, you oversized, scaly, leather-winged, shit-snouted, yellow-clawed, fuckwit, ass-munching bullshit fucking excuse for a dragon! A frail little pegasus just scared the shit out of you with her eyes! Her eyes, you jackass! If I were you I’d kill myself out of embarrassment on the spot! I mean, goddamn man! Who the fuck gets scared from being stared down by this wimp?”

Mono thrust a thumb in Fluttershy’s direction with a deadpan on his face before jumping back into the ass-tearing with renewed vigor. Rarity stayed completely silent the entire time, while Pinkie played with a paddleball off to the side.

“And you know what?” Mono suddenly zoomed into the cave, a trail of dust following his path. A hulking monstrosity began to lurch out of the cave, completely taking up the entrance with its bulk. Pulling it was none other than Mono himself, tugging the bag along. He left it right in front of the dragon and pointed at the sack.

“I’m taking your jewels, dumbfuck! You don’t deserve these, especially not this one…” Mono pulled the diamond twice the size of his head from within his jacket, letting it catch the sunlight and throw its dazzling prismatic light show around the plateau.

The ponies stared at it in wonder, while Rarity nearly salivated over such a gem. The dragon grew a look of despair on its face, its claws even reaching out slightly. “Say goodbye!” Mono shouted, somehow pocketing the titanic jewel inside his jacket.

Twilight deadpanned at the scene, the memories of Pinkie’s antics flashing through her mind as the Law of Conservation of Mass was shattered before her very eyes by a two-foot tall alien. Quoting said alien, she shrugged and murmured, “Fuck it.” Mono had indeed begun to wear off on her.

Mono turned to face Fluttershy and nodded once. “A’ight, let’s bounce, bitches.” The ponies hardly reacted to the degrading insult, simply shrugging much as Twilight had previously. The long trudge out of the Everfree became punctuated by Mono’s singing.

“Diamonds are forever~ They won’t leave in the night, I've no fear that they might desert me...”

\\||||////

“Spike, take a letter.”

“Why is Mono telling me to write a letter?” Spike asked his surrogate sister with a confused look and a thumb angled toward Mono.

“Because I need to send an update to my associates and none of your goddamn business, that’s why.” Mono’s explanation earned a flat look from Spike until the human tossed four sapphires into the dragon’s claws.

“Dear Fancy Pants and Fleur Di Lis!” Spike began in earnest.

\\||||////

Dear Fancy Pants and Fleur Di Lis,

What’s good, my negguhsnigasnegasneggaes compatriots? After some intense bullshit fanfare, I have procured a fucking huge diamond of generous size. I will be hocking itdonating itselling itputting it in a museumkeeping itgiving it upstashing itreturning it to its rightful owners fuck you Twilight, it’s mine now no Mono it belongs back in the hooves of the Goldshod family go eat a cock Twilight I stole this from the dragon fair and square stealing is wrong, Mono, it’s not fair at all you’re right I am pretty beastly so it wasn’t really fair for the chump that’s not the point Mono, the diamond belongs with its proper holders fuck the proper holders, it’s finder’s keepers Mono, don’t you dare!

With love,

Mono N.

Fancy Pants looked over the letter, his eyes squinting in confused scrutiny. “Hmm. How strange…” A blue glow lifted up the preposterously large diamond, a note attached to it written in a language unintelligible to him. The addition of a small figure resembling Mono with its central fingers raised, however, was evidence enough that it was a warning of some sort from its author.

Sighing, Fancy Pants tossed the stone in a safe and smiled, shaking his head while imagining the antics back in Ponyville.

\\||||////

“Dammit Mono! That gem didn’t belong to you!” Twilight seethed at the smug human, his arms crossed and a mile-wide smile alighting his face. Spike choked and coughed after having a diamond bigger than his head thrown into his mouth while the Elements watched the argument between the cocky chibi and the enraged alicorn play out.

“The gem belongs to me now and I’ll be getting filthy rich because of it. Just wait till I auction that puppy off for some serious fucking bits,” he gloated, wagging a gloved finger in Twilight’s face. The purple pony frowned deeply and stamped a hoof.

“I’ll use my position as Princess to confiscate the diamond as royal property.” Her friends gasped at this bold claim. Never before had Twilight pulled rank to achieve what she wanted.

Mono’s smile defused her victorious celebration in a flash. “Ah ah ah, Twilight. The gem originally belonged to the Silvershod family, being handed down to the Goldshod family after the last Silvershod died of salmonella; he had decided to experiment with meat because it was on his bucket list. The document for the rights of ownership never left Hornglow Silvershod’s tomb, and so the diamond is now up for grabs since there is no proper heir.”

“What?! How do you know that?” Twilight demanded of the human. Mono pulled a book from behind him and tossed it into Twilight’s magic field.

“I read it in that textbook three minutes ago.”

Setting down the copy of ‘Obscure Filial Connections to Gems and Jewels’, Twilight exhaled a pent-up breath and shut her eyes tight. “Fine. Sell the gem.”

Mono thrust his fist into the sky, hopping from foot to foot victoriously. “Yes!” Reaching within his coat, Mono retrieved two radiant rubies from within. “Rarity, I have a proposition,” he began.

Rarity, her interest slightly piqued due to Mono’s closeness with Fancy Pants, leaned down to Mono. “Yes?” she asked him, prodding him to go into detail.

“I need you to find a seamstress, preferably a foreign one; maybe a zebra or griffon. In fact, yes, definitely a griffon. I need you to use your connections in the fashion world as well as your title as an Element to net me a griffon tailor. ‘Throw your weight around’, so to speak.” Mono tossed the rubies at her, both being gingerly caught in her magic mid-air.

Her eyes sparkled at the sizes of the rubies. Each was larger than her eye, catching the light of the room and recycling it into a red, soothing glare. “That’s the first payment for the favor. Convince that griffon to get here personally and I’ll owe you a small debt.”

Rarity stared at Mono while he rapidly dried off his clothes, soaking and squeezing the coat over and over again. “…first payment?” she whispered in disbelief.

While Rarity pondered this strange development, as well as why Mono sounded extremely professional when handling business, the other mares talked amongst themselves.

\\||||////

“There are strange happenings going on, dear sister,” Luna stated simply to the Princess of the Sun. Celestia had her eyes closed while in the candlelit room, the scented wax had a great soothing effect on her troubled nerves.

Discord stood not too far away, glancing nervously at the walls, as if expecting one of the many dancing shadows to come out and devour him. “Lulu, Celly, I can’t hear them anymore… We can’t hear them anymore! The coins… they’ve… disappeared.” Discord resumed his frantic searching shortly afterwards.

Celestia exhaled and turned to meet Discord properly. It was true, the sounds of falling coins had stopped, yet fluctuations in the stars and winds had hinted at a tampering with the very essence of Equestria and the other nations. Whatever had been dropping bits had wised up and concealed its actions, however subtle they may have been.

“It means nothing Discord,” the Princess said plainly. This only frightened Discord more.

“No, Celestia, no! It means everything! The coins stopped shortly after we mentioned them to one another. Right after I returned from…” Discord’s voice dropped and he mumbled the rest of his sentence out. “…I can’t accept that that was a happy coincidence.”

“Happy coincidence or not, I agree with Discord: this means that something or somepony is aware of our world’s workings and fates. It has been molesting my stars and tainting the winds with its gentle touch. Ever so slightly does it shift my night sky and redirect winds to carry fate elsewhere. To believe this is nothing is foolish,” Luna stated adamantly.

“Luna, I never said that the tweaking of destiny was nothing, I said that the lack of coins was nothing. Furthermore, I-“ Celestia was suddenly cut off by a clap. After another clap, a candle went out. A second candle fell victim to the third clap. A chorus of rampant clapping and cheering wiped the light from the room, even snuffing out the horns of the alicorns before suddenly going silent.

Lavender, huh? A gently glowing blue mist levitated a smoking candle in front of it, a wispy grasper keeping a strong grip on the wax stick. Are you trying to fall asleep? Is that how’ll you deal with me? The mist’s question was sincere and its asexual voice held a lingering tone of curiosity. Are you going to dream me away, then?

A short chuckle made the mist’s core strobe slightly, the brightly-shining light within expanding and contracting as it spoke. Discord’s eyes went wide and his blood-red pupils shrunk to pinpricks within their seas of yellow. “You made it back…”

The cloud of ethereal energy slowed its spinning, its voice simmering down to match its more somber state. Ah yes, I almost forgot… The candle was set down upon the floor gently, the spirit taking care with the action. …I’m back, the mist growled with its genderless voice. The candle exploded into melted wax and quickly solidified into a coin.

Floating into a ghostly appendage, the mist let a vague impression of a toothy smile appear before tossing the coin into the air. All three physical beings watched the coin flip during its descent, keeping their gazes locked on the newly-crafted wax tab.

Upon hitting the ground, nothing happened. The three looked back up at the cloud, which levitated passively in the silent darkness. Well, my work here is done, the final coin has landed. A slight tear in the scenery behind the mist began to pull the mysterious being through like steam through an open window. I hope you enjoy what’s in store, it laughed quietly.

The rift closed and the candles ignited, shedding light upon the wax coin on the floor.

“Heads,” Discord said quietly.

“What significance does that hold?” Luna asked the spirit of Chaos.

Discord examined the coin with a curious expression. “I do not know, but I do believe that we should keep our ears, eyes, and minds open to anything regarding the term or concept of ‘head’.”

A scandalous smirk from Celestia made Discord and Luna glare at the Princess. “Be serious, Tia! This is a very important matter,” Luna chastised her sister with a disgruntled look.

Celestia held a hoof to her mouth and giggled. “Oh, I’m sorry I got ahead of myself!”

“Tia!” Luna trotted up to her sister and stared up at the taller alicorn, her eyes narrowed threateningly.

Celestia struggled to hold back a snicker. “Oh look… Lulu…” Luna noticed her folly just as Celestia took her first pause to giggle.

“…no… No, Don’t you dare!”

“I’M A FULL HEAD TALLER THAN YOU, DEAR LULU!”

The room soon descended into maniacal cackling from Celestia and unintelligible rage-filled shouting from Luna. All the while Discord examined the coin, floating upside down and eating cotton candy.

Author's Note

I apologize for the insane wait. I had no access to a computer for a time since my laptop's power cable busted. It cost me eighty dollars to get a new fucking cable and that's just preposterous. Anyway, expect new chapters to begin flowing again, because you know what they say...

Spice must flow.

[ARC II] Chapter 24- Did I Say Making a Unicorn Cry Was Hard?

"I like Doritos. I'm usually watching 'The Biggest Loser' eating Doritos." -Halle Berry

“I have way too many things going on at the same time,” I said to myself while the griffon stitched my new clothes together. I was entirely and utterly bored, the Crusaders were on a field trip which I was exempted from when I detonated a depth charge in the school bathroom (a story for another time), and I was just now wondering how I would wrap up the plethora of background projects I had in the works.

“On the list of shit I have going are: pens, Doritos, sports championship, music production, meeting Flim and Flam, building nuclear power, harvesting raw ore for future products, and seeing Shining Armor in a dress.” I couldn’t have been more disappointed in myself. I needed to keep a clear head if I wanted to get somewhere with my business, and with the Harmonious Sports Championship just a week or so away, I needed to seriously get some organization together.

I felt as if some fucking asshole kept screwing with the flow of time and fate, keeping me from achieving any semblance of success in this pretty pony clusterfuck. I let out a sigh and thought back to two days ago, a day after I had asked Rarity to get me a griffon seamstress.

\\||||////

“Mono, darling, so good to see you are awake!” Rarity’s voice pierced my eardrums like sirens, worsening my already sour mood. Mornings were usually fine, unless I had been soaked in dragon fluids the previous day. Other than that, I’d be solid.

“Yeah, I’m half asleep, what is it?” I rubbed the drowsiness from my eyes and slid down the sloped roof of the schoolhouse, landing in the dirt. Rarity took a half-step back, no doubt shocked at my shambled appearance.

I lacked a coat, shirt, hat, and pants. This left me in underwear and dress shoes. And mittens. I would have felt uncomfortable if it wasn’t for the fact that I couldn’t care less about what these ponies thought of me. Sure, it might have been bad for future business relations, but my previous comment stands.

“Mono, you are certainly, um… well, to be frank: you’re lacking clothes.” This comment earned absolutely nothing from me, so I didn’t even bother responding, I just cut to the chase.

“So I guess you found a griffon seamstress already?” I asked her. Even though I seriously doubted that she had, I would be very grateful for it. After all, a Nucleosis always repays his debts. Confirming my guess, Rarity used her magic to drop a business card into my hands- which still had mittens on them, curiously.

“Madame Bereau: Master Seamstress.” I nodded. “How’d ya get her so fast?” I asked while examining the card.

“Well, she was conveniently in town for the week making clothes for Mister Penchant. She had been hired for the creation of a simply fabulous suit and tie that I really do adore; he just looks simply ravishing in it. Since her business was not currently needed elsewhere, I asked if once she was finished she could assist you.” She gestured with her hoof. “And now we are here.”

I nodded again and began walking to the address hastily scribbled on the back. “Thanks Rarity, I owe you one. If you ever need anything, just reach out to me. Later,” I said with a wave.

\\||||////

I had quickly found the seamstress and paid her with a few smaller diamonds. Because of my ‘generous’ payment she insisted on adding a set of formal clothes along with the jeans and shirt I had commissioned.

She was also able to wash out the dragon-stink from my hat, much to my relief, and I would have my clothes before the end of the day. You may be asking yourself why I would want to hire a griffon seamstress instead of just asking Rarity, but by now that would be a stupid question, because I’m pretty sure you know how I roll by now.

But back to the topic of sorting my shit out. I needed a foolproof plan, one that included a goddamn calendar, because I couldn’t tell what day it was if it was screamed into my face. And so, once again, I had found myself planning another fucking excursion for personal gain. I wasn’t exactly a practitioner of the seven habits of highly effective people, so piss off.

At this point I had a pair of jeans and a white shirt. I would need to swing back an hour or so later for the rest of my shirts and my coat, but at the moment it would do. Pulling my hat down over my messy black hair, I shook out my bangs and stepped outside. “I’ll be back later,” I called back to the busy griffon, shutting the door on my back.

“Ah, Ponyville…” I took in the brightly shining sun, the smiling ponies, the chirping birds and babbling brooks. It did well to brighten my mood. “Yeah…” I thought to myself, watching the butterflies and clouds float cross the sky.

A young colt trotted up to me, reaching a hoof up toward my cheek while I stared into the sky with a contented smile on my face. “Well,” I said, my sudden words making the colt’s hoof stop.

With a swift crescent kick sending the eight-year-old pony careening down the road and into a trash bin, I took out The List without pesky toddlers watching me and peered at the scroll with a viciously determined grin. “Time to make some motherfucking Doritos.”

\\||||////

“Well, what did you think children?” Cheerilee asked her small group of students. “A fun trip before Summer Vacation did us well, wouldn’t you agree?”

The students cheered and ran out from the train, their trinkets, souvenirs, and collectibles clinking and clanking in their goodie bags. They all talked incessantly of the various things they had seen at the Museum of Pony History; from the ancient Cave Ponies to the rather modern invention of the Magically Powered Textile Machine.

The only three slightly miffed were the Crusaders, upset that Mono hadn’t come along. There was hope for other Crusaders, though, if what Mono had been telling them about alternate universes would prove substantial.

\\||||////

Somewhere in an Alternate Universe

“What are you all so worried about? It’s just a thawed-out Cave Pony!”

“NEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIGH.”

“Help me! He’s foalnapping me!”

“Relax, you’re just gonna be his mate.”

“Oh~! The horror!”

\\||||////

On second thought, perhaps him staying in Ponyville was for the best at the moment. He certainly had been acting out in more spectacular and destructive ways.

“Maybe Mono’s better after the dragon incident?” Sweetie Belle had some genuine concern for Mono. She had a gnawing feeling that the dragon’s fire had melted the human’s brains. “It would be terrible if he wasn’t.”

“Aw, don’tcha worry Sweetie, I’m sure he’s fi-“

Applebloom’s hillbilly hodgepodge hoedown stupid-talk was instantly silenced by the state of chaos Ponyville was in. Gold bits flowed down the streets, and ponies violently fought one another for the stray currency.

Hooves flew and teeth followed, mares and stallions alike knocking the air and senses from one another. No ribs were safe, no testicles were secure, hell, not even the ovaries were sacred in this scramble.

Each blow made the school children wince, while the gold continued to stream from somewhere in town.

Cheerilee had found that during Mono’s stay, shit happened. Far more shit than what usually happened with the Elements. What was different from their case, however, was that Mono was usually the exact piece of shit that started all other shits; like the Father of All Shits.

Fed up with the Father of All Shits’ shit, she stopped giving two shits and stomped off into town to stomp the shit out of the Father of All Shits.

It was going to be a shitty day.

\\||||////

I threw away another deluxe-size cast iron pot in disgust. More fucking gold. I couldn’t have been as cursed as the guy in the commercial, I had done everything perfectly. I even had on the fucking goggles and I looked legit as a motherfucker.

Especially in my fancy new clothes, I must say. My hat and jacket were cleaned and looking far more vibrant and feeling much softer than before, the new jeans I had were slim-fit and damn comfortable, and my shirt was made of some kind of layered silk that had the effect of ecstasy every time it brushed against my chest.

I wiggled my body at that moment just to gain some semblance of happiness.

“OH, GOD YES.”

Shivering, I glared at The List again and grit my teeth. “Now this is some bullshit. I have everything I need: the Staff of Anubis, the Philosopher’s Stone, a rubber hammer, rubber nails, moon rock salt, Archimedes’ Screw, a harpsichord, a parachute, a Blank…”

I checked on the struggling shadow monster across the room, a metal tap poking out of its forehead. I would send it back to its story after.

“…a Bag of Holding, cloud mist, elven joy, a lucky penny, a love song, an erlenmeyer flask, a macroscope, a sense of wonder, some Blankety Blanks, a temporal glitch…”

The vibrating mass of static in the corner of the room might leave a mark… in the universe. Yeah…

“…a haiku, Nots, Sweeps, Beeps, Deeps, Sneeps, Reeps, some winks, memories, fireballs, congratulations, laughter, lightning, star dust, rings of a tree…” Thank you, Sweet Apple Acres. “…a mother’s approval, mountain air, cheesiness…”

I looked up, having to physically pause to block out the cheesiness of Twilight’s joke. “Oh my fucking God, why has she not committed suicide yet?” I cleared my throat and continued with my listing.

“…inspiring footage, smiles, secret ingredient, smell of morning, Love, two dashes of an Autumn breeze, unicorn tears, and half a horse’s whinny.”

I glared at the paper in my hands, my gaze threatening to burn a hole through The List. “So what the fuck am I missing?!”

Suddenly, the door began to slowly push against the copious mountains of gold, forcing the money back with a slow but resilient determination. A dull fuchsia snout popped out from behind the wooden door, pants and grunts coming from it.

Before long, Cheerilee pushed back heaps of gold and the door swung open. She came to stare at me, and her mane started to smoke. Blinking, I apologized while my glare died down. “Sorry there, Teach, almost set your hair on fire.”

“Mono! What have you done to the Schoolhouse?” Cheerilee practically screamed at me, so I put my green little hands up in defense.

“Woah there Cheerilee, don’t shit a brick.” Her eyes snapped into a more heightened state of anger.

“Don’t use that word.”

“What word?”

“Shit.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know, I’m just tired of it for some reason.”

“Okay, so we need some synonyms, no big deal. Uh… We’ve got poop, crap, turds, dookie, cowpat, dump, scat, stool, doo-doo, poo-poo, cahckie, dung, excrement, feces…”

“Mono?”

“Yeah?”

“Shut the hell up.”

“Kay.”

Cheerilee let out a sigh while she placed a hoof on her temple to try to alleviate whatever anger was swelling in her head. Although how could anyone be that mad when they were literally chest-deep in bonafide fucking gold? Well, except for me, of course.

“Cheerilee, I just can’t get it right! I’ve tried to alchemize Doritos more times than I can count, and I just keep getting gold!” I zipped into her personal space and gestured to the obscene amounts of money.

“WHAT AM I GONNA DO,” I screamed in her face, “WITH ALL THIS GOLD?”

Cheerilee’s face was obscured by an ominous black shadow, her features hidden from my view. She trembled while her head rose, revealing two pin-prick glowing white orbs of blazing hot, maddening fury.

“I’ll tell you exactly what you can do with all this gold…”

\\||||////

Cheerilee’s class stood in the midst of a world gone mad for money, passing the time by tossing bits into ponds and fountains and watching ponies dive for the currency. Mono had done what the fillies and colts thought only Discord could do: make chaos look fun.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders sat around in a circle, playing Jacks while they waited for their teacher. Sweetie Belle threw the ball up and gathered three jacks before the ball landed, failing to match Scootaloo’s triumphant four.

“Aww, nuts,” Sweetie Belle complained. A cough from Scootaloo, accompanied with an outstretched hoof, made Sweetie’s frown deepen and her eyebrows knit together.

Scooping up a hoof full of bits from the ground, the small white unicorn paid the victorious Scootaloo her prize of ten bits.

“Do ya think Miss Cheerilee found Mono?” Applebloom asked her friends.

The answer -like a gift-wrapped message straight from the heavens- came in the form of Mono’s sneaker colliding with the earth filly’s head… again. “Move it!” Mono called out as he took off down the golden streets hauling some serious chibi ass.

Cheerilee, a blur of purple and white, tore after Mono at unbelievable speeds, even managing to keep pace with the human. A strangled scream and a crash that reverberated through Ponyville signaled the anticlimactic end to the short-lived chase.

Cheerilee soon dragged Mono back to the children by the collar, her mouth foaming and her eyes underlined with tired bags. Mono’s unconscious form lay slumped over her back, his eyes literally swirling while his mouth lay open listlessly.

“Children, you are dismissed,” she proclaimed in an icy tone that froze the hearts of her students.

“Thank you Miss Cheerilee,” they all droned in frightened unison, taking off as soon as they finished their respectful farewell.

Cheerilee looked back at the human draped across her barrel. Her eyes narrowed on his form before she sighed.

“You’re lucky we need you,” she mumbled, stalking off back into Ponyville toward Princess Twilight Sparkle’s home.

Author's Note

Back to the ridiculousness BwBb was meant to be. The Championship approaches.

[ARC II] Chapter 25- Cleared Up

"Ideally a book would have no order to it, and the reader would have to discover his own." -Mark Twain

I sat on a chair in Mayor Mare’s office, grumbling to my heart’s content while half of Ponyville roared around me. If you think they were pissed about the gold, then you’re an idiot. They were pissed about the collateral damage.

“One hundred and fifty eight trees! He chopped down more than a hundred of my trees!” Applejack practically screamed into my face, even though she was addressing the Mayor. God fucking dammit this hick was stupid.

“Hey, guess what: the streets are filled with gold, go buy a hundred thousand more, you twat.” I crossed my arms and glared past the Mayor and out the window, watching the clouds roll by while the crowd exploded into unintelligible fuming once again. “Just shut the fuck up and enjoy free money! Fuck’s sake, people!”

“Mono! You’ve opened rifts in time and space to make CORNMEAL TRIANGLES!” Twilight’s threat probably would’ve been more bold had her magic not sputtered out and died once it got near me. If that hadn’t happened, she’d be Super Sayain right now, and a hell of a lot more intimidating.

“I don’t think you fully understand how worth the risk it was for even a taste of Doritos. That snack is the single best thing to ever happen to Planet Earth, except for Twinkies, of course, but Hostess is out of business so…”

“Mono, we don’t know what you’re talking about and we don’t care. All we know is that somewhere in Equestria there is a literal tear in the fabric of reality and you don’t have the attention span to even remember where it is!”

Looking at Twilight, I shrugged. “I kinda forgot. There were a lot of trees to cut down.”

“I’m gonna kill him,” Applejack muttered behind me.

I had been in this fucking hut of a Town Hall for an hour, and I was starting to get bored. “LISTEN UP!” My shout silenced everyone in the room while the vibrations from the shout finished rattling the windows. “I get that you’re really fuckin’ pissed, and I can understand that. I won’t go into detail about how I’m going to repay this town, but I will.”

A low grumbled began to build, quickly turning into another riot. If I didn’t say something, this building was coming down with me inside, and I couldn’t have that.

“Pools. In-ground pools for everyone!” The room was suddenly plunged into dead silence. Twilight began to get closer to me, a dangerous glare on her face.

“Do you think that would make everything better? After all of the inter-dimensional paradoxes and Euclidian time loops you’ve managed to-“

A mare’s hoof shot up far in the back and I heard her ask a faint question. “Could we get hot tubs instead?”

I face-palmed and sighed heavily. “Great fucking idea, Mono.”

“Yeah, sure. Pick one and I’ll buy it for you once my company takes off the ground. Make a list, fuckers.”

I left the Town Hall amidst cheers and shouts for aquatic leisure products. Yet another thing to add to my ever-growing list of bullshit. Right now, though, I needed a calendar so I could set my priorities straight and stop running in circles like a crippled dog.

\\||||////

“Of all the places I choose, it had to be this.”

Sex Toys and Calendars. I beat out every other motherfucker in existence with this gem right here. Not only can I buy sex toys… I can tell you what day of the week I’m gonna use ‘em. What’s next Thursday? Oh, day off from work? Break out the vibrator eggs! Holy day on Monday? Shit, baby, bring dem nipple clamps over here.

“I am just a font of luck and joy,” I deadpanned, pushing in the door to my greatest fantasies and pleasures: knowing the days of the week and writing things down. Oh God, the paddles couldn’t even compare to this joy.

I walked up to the register and realized I was too short to look above the counter. Once again, my luck saved me, and I found boxed mare panties on a shelf. Stacking them up, I climbed atop them and stared the owner in the face.

“Uh, aren’t you a little too young to be in here?” she asked me.

“Aren’t you a little too go fuck yourself?” Her momentary pause allowed me to talk further, recovering from my stupid reply. “That’s not even a grammatically correct sentence, but lately I just don’t give a damn. I’ll take a calendar please.”

“Um… okay. Sure.” The mare bagged a calendar and put it on the counter. “Six bits, please.”

I dropped ten and snatched away the calendar, nodding to her. “Keep the change.”

I left the store and let out a massive sigh. “Today is just going to be a crap day, I can feel it.”

“Mono!” I turned around and saw Penchant heading down the street, minus a tie and shirt. “It’s been a long time since I’ve actually taken a break from micromanaging and big city life. Kinda relaxing, actually.” He stretched and smiled. “What’s in the bag?”

I reached inside, talking as I did so. “Well, I’ve been getting distracted with the stupid crap that I’ve been getting myself into. So…” I pulled the calendar out. “I got some order in my life.”

The nonplussed look on Penchant’s face slowly twisted into a snickering grin. I arched an eyebrow. “What?” His giggling began to bubble up. “What the fuck is it?”

The blue bastard fell on the ground, writhing in his hysterical laughter. Finally realizing the source of comedy with a jolt, I looked at the calendar in my hand.

“Monthly Stallions Pin-Up?”

“AAHHAHAHAAHAA!”

I pegged Penchant in the face with the calendar, sending several of the pages flying through the air. While lewd male horses were displayed for all those in the public area, I walked back into the store and actually paid attention to what I bought.

\\||||////

“Okay, so today is Saturday the twelfth of July. The Championship is…?” I asked Sweetie Belle, reaching for a pen in my pocket as I did so. She grew a thoughtful look on her face for a minute, then smiled and nodded.

“July twenty-sixth! On Saturday,” she replied.

“So we’re two weeks away and nobody on our team has practiced, huh?” I asked the adorable filly.

“Uh… yes?”

I threw the pen with such force that it impaled the celery Applebloom was lifitng to her lips and pinned it against the wall. “Fuck! We don’t have enough time for this shit, and I can’t carry the entire goddamn team!”

“You made another pen?”

“Yes, Scootaloo, they’re easy to make and I made at least thirty while I was in Canterlot.” I paused. “I am gonna need that one back, though.”

“And I’m gonna need my celery back, too,” whined Hillbilly McFucktard.

“Screw your celery.” I hopped up, crossing my arms and closing my eyes. “Okay, so at the moment our available players to choose from are comprised of every grade level in Ponyville, correct?”

“Yeah.”

“I need the most athletic motherfuckers you can get. I want muscles, sharp eyes, ruthless determination, and fucking willpower. I WANT THE SIXTEEN BEST GODDAMN PLAYERS IN PONYVILLE HERE BY TUESDAY, YOU GET ME?”

“Actually, Mono, we need some smart cookies too,” Sweetie Belle called out. I shot her a pointed look.

“Why?”

“Well, the Sports Championship has one round near the end, where the game is changed in the most drastic way. Instead of using brute force and speed, we’ll be playing chess.”

“Chess? Chess isn’t a fuckin’ sport! CHESS IS FOR NERDS!”

“I play chess,” Sweetie Belle murmured.

“CHESS IS COOL, ONLY THE COOL KIDS PLAY CHESS.”

“Mono, just stop,” Scootaloo replied off-handedly. She was a little too busy counting her stacks of gold bits. “What am I gonna do with all these bits?” she asked while I looked around the clubhouse.

Even though I was now banned from the orchard, Applejack couldn’t say I was inside the orchard if I had catapulted myself inside the clubhouse.

“Oh, Mono, you owe us a new roof now too.”

“Why don’t you ask moneybags over here to pay for it?”

Scootaloo glared at me. “Because you’re the one who broke the darn thing.”

I sat down and grumbled. “If I’m buying a new roof, I’m building a bigger clubhouse. This dinky shack is far too small for my liking.”

“It’s not your clubhouse,” Scootaloo retorted.

“Then why am I paying to fix it?” I asked.

“Because you friggin’ broke it, stupid.”

“I’ll break your face.”

“I’ll eat your face.”

“I’ll stomp your face.”

“I’ll punch your face.”

“I’ll body slam your face.”

“I'll sit on your face.”

Everyone stared at Scootaloo, lifting one eyebrow very slowly. “Well, I for one always thought that you liked fillies, but whatever,” I said.

Scootaloo’s face went red and her ears flopped down. “SHUT UP.”

“What was that? Butt up? Not now, Scootaloo, I need my face at the moment.”

Scootaloo’s eye twitched with rage and I smiled scandalously at her adorable little blowup. “Well, I’ll be seein’ you girls later, I’ve got stuff to do.” I hopped up and got inside and got inside the cup of a giant slingshot I had built with the amassed debris from my entry.

The massive rubber band was mine, obviously. I grabbed the string leading to my safety branch, which held the band in place.

“Later, twats.” I pulled the string.

And then I was launched into the thermosphere.

Author's Note

*try to fix the timeline omg cut my wrists*

DELETED SCENE #1

Author's Note

This was something I decided to take out from the story. It was set after Mono spent a "week in paradise" celebrating the creation of his business empire. You can also read about "blood sugars" and "insulin". The original Mono Nucleosis was set to have Type One Diabetes, but I decided that the character would be too close to myself and so I scrapped the idea. I got rid of the chapter entirely because I wasn't ready to insert it into the story, and then later because I decided I was not going to have the "week in paradise" arc.

However...

I may finish a variant version of the arc as a separate story that will be posted in a total of seven parts. This is a long way off, mind you, but it may be done. It includes nude photos, Wolfenstein-esque boss battles, and lots and lots of booze and chaos within Canterlot.

Maybe one day, but for now... enjoy this slice of lost BwBb history.

DELETED SCENE #1

A week passed. The Elements went back to Ponyville finally, and I was left to my own devices. I had spent a week in the Paradise Sector several blocks away from the castle. My actions burned down a bank, opened a pub, got hundreds of foals mixed up, and made me a celebrity and trusted friend. Trusted to certain ponies anyway. Damn, does Fancy Pants know how to party. Oh, and I did that thing Twilight asked me to do. I even got some of my aforementioned friends to help out. It was great… for my friends and I.

Everything wound down and this morning was going swimmingly. I had my eggs and ham, with a glass of orange juice. My blood sugar was fantastic, and my insulin levels nominal. I strolled over to the windows, where I had jury-rigged several large textbooks to function as stairs. I flung open the panes and breathed in that fresh air, watching the ponies not too far below me.

I hopped back down and flipped on my laptop. Strange thing about it was that it had no battery symbol or advanced feature buttons. It was funky.

I opened iTunes and played a speedy song to get my ass moving and ready for nothing. As soon as I heard the electronic beats, I was moving like the devil himself. My clothes zipped on, I fished that piece of bacon out of the sheets, I made my bed, and I packed my bag to prepare for a standard walk outside of the castle.

I heard a distant, "Yes! Oh my gawd!" and perked up.

"The hell was that?" I walked back to my window overlooking the streets, scanning for the noise over my noisy laptop. I'll admit it, dubstep is noise. But I actually like this noise. It's not like it's a thousand five year-olds screaming at you, that's noise.

I shriveled when I thought of who I had attracted. Vinyl. Scratch. "Shitfuckdamn." My eyes began to dart around to check for her, and sure enough, there she was.

She brightened and waved to me. "Hey! You're Mono, right?"

I nodded. "No! Bad head! BAD HEAD! I'm not Mono!"

"Sweet! Weren't you that guy that launched Blueblood into the Lion's Pit at the zoo?" No, Vinyl, that was that other two foot tall human. "I thought so! Where are those tunes coming from, damn! I gotta get me some of that!"

My windows shut so hard the glass cracked, and iTunes was closed. I snapped up my laptop and tucked it in my bag, making my way out of the room like hell was right behind me. Well, it basically was. If hell was a cliche.

\\||||////

The Vinyl Diaries

Dear Diary,

Mono ran away when I asked him about those lethal-ass tunes. He's hiding something, I know it. Obviously that's his music, and I'm going to get it, one way or another.

XOXOXO,
Vinyl Scratch

-------d-_-b-------

Dear Diary,

This is day two, and Mono is actively avoiding me, I'm sure of it. When I threw a pebble at his window, he chucked a boulder at me. HOW DID HE EVEN DO THAT?! He doesn't want to give up his beats, that's for sure. But he still plays them every morning. It's like he NEEDS them to wake up. I have an idea to get close though, and I hope it works.

Love,
Vinyl Scratch

-------d-_-b-------

Dear Diary,

The plan failed. Well, it worked partially. I got into the Night Court, and I bullshitted my way through the entire thing. I thought it was worth waiting two days to get on that damned list. So afterwards, I hid in a potted plant until morning. When I saw the sun on the horizon, I snuck into Mono's room. He was sound asleep, so I started looking for a record, a speaker-system, something.

He woke up and saw me, and before I could do anything, he yells: "Rape! RAPE!" and the guards were on me in seconds. He's a clever little bastard, but I'll find those records yet.

-Vinyl Scratch

-------d-_-b-------

Diary,

Mono is an asshole. He is a cheating, dick-eating, shit-smelling cunt. While I was rappelling down the side of the castle, he saw me and ran away. I thought he had gone to get the guards, but he came back with scissors. And he was above me. HOW DOES HE MOVE SO FAST?!

He gave me a big goofy smile and said, "See you next fall!" He commented on how that comment was so corny he could smell ethanol. Then, without so much as looking my way, he cut the friggin' rope. While still talking to himself…

I have to rest my back, it hurts.

-Vinyl Scratch

-------d-_-b-------

I'm going to find those wubs, strap Mono to my biggest bass, and blast his fucking brains out all over Canterlot with his own music.

He's taunting me now. He has little plugs in his ears and he's dancing around on the roof of the castle. He has the music on him. I knew it. So I decided to get them myself. It was difficult, but while I was resting my sore back, I picked up some teleportation from a book.

I teleported up to the roof.

And fell through a massive skylight.

Apparently he had commissioned one to be built the same day he let me fall. And they let him… WHY?!

I'm going to lose my mind.

-Vinyl

-------d-_-b-------

I can't do this. He's outsmarted me every time. I dug a tunnel, he re-routed the plumbing. For the restrooms.

I snuck inside as a delivery mare, he refused to sign. I was found out after that.

I tried gliding inside his window with a kite. He installed a screen.

I scaled the gate and climbed the wall to the same window. Since when does he have a flower box? He dropped it on my face.

I threatened him. He outmatched anything I could think of.

I'm at a loss. I surrender tonight.

Fuck it,
V

\\||||////

I flipped open the newspaper casually, sipping my morning tea happily. I recalled the events of the past week and a half fending off Vinyl Scratch, and chuckled. "I wonder what she'll think of next. Magic can't beat me, her taunts are beneath me, and her creativity is lacking."

Suddenly, a brick sailed through my window, shattering it and tearing the screen apart. I didn't scream. No, really, I didn't. Fine, I did.

…like a little girl.

Tied to the brick, which was freaking massive compared to me, was a little journal. I looked at the title: Vinyl Scratch's Diary.

I read it immediately.

\\||||////

"Wow. I'm a total asshole." Mono pondered for a moment. "And she's a psycho bitch. We can work this out."

Without further delay, he hopped up from his massive chair and informed the guards to summon a certain Vinyl Scratch. She was let into the castle within the hour, looking absolutely dumb-struck. She met Mono in a small conference room. To his right was a very, very, very small device. Flat and rectangular, with a black screen and a cord leading out of it, separating into two cords with buds at the ends. On his left was a size-able rectangle, much larger than the last, with no screen visible. He awaited calmly.

Vinyl sat at the chair on the far end of the table, exactly opposite of Mono. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I tried to force you and threaten you, and I shouldn't have." she said with a tinge of guilt in her voice.

Mono chuckled. "Nah, don't worry about it. I got a kick out of it, and I'm sure you got a workout and some time to think. That one fall looked pretty nasty."

Scratch perked up. "Which one?"

"Sky-light fall. You know, number two."

"Heh, heh. Yeah…" the alabaster unicorn rubbed her neck.

"I want to make a deal. So let's cut to it. I want VIP status to all of the big clubs in Canterlot. I know you work them, and I garner a lot of attention, especially after last week's fiasco." Mono sipped his tea casually, and cleared his throat as Scratch stared at him in utter excitement. "Here's my offer."

\\||||////

"Sooo. What'd you propose, my little human?" Discord bent over backwards, staring at me with one freakishly elongated eye. I simply waved at the ecstatic unicorn practically shaking with excitement.

"I get VIP status at all of her concerts and events, I am affiliated with the music she has in her possession, and she's going to be available on a whim for anything I need." Discord shot me a sly grin, his singular fang pointing directly at me like a finger. "Nothing dirty, you obsessed freak."

I walked away from Discord, who was already seducing some poor castle maid. Very effectively, I might add.

I was back to my room, sorting my things, when a guard notified me of an extremely important meeting with the Princesses regarding my future in Equestria. I sighed and heaved my tiny shoulders, the same sweat drop appearing with the bubble of air exiting my mouth.. "Let's get this shit over with, then."

[ARC II] Chapter 26- Freezer Burn

"Ideally a book would have no order to it, and the reader would have to discover his own." -Mark Twain

“So, Mono’s been gone for like… a week, right?” Scootaloo asked. The other girls nodded, confirming Scootaloo’s observation. Mono had indeed been lost since that fateful day he decided to use the massive slingshot. Whether he was lost in space, orbiting the planet as the first satellite, or in another country as a smoking pile of ash was unknown to the girls.

“Knowing him, though, he’ll probably be back just in time for the Championship,” Silver Spoon looked over their team, taking notes on the number of physical exercises they could do and for how long they could continue performing them. “Which we are very well prepared for, I might add.”

“Good job, Spoon. Now where is Diamond Tiara? She’s supposed to be gettin’ us some ice cream.” Applebloom narrowed her eyes at the path to the town. “She’s been gone way too long!”

Silver Spoon sighed. “Oh, don’t worry about her. With the way she’s been acting, you just know she’s going to try to please you with something-“

A massive parade float stacked high with tubs of ice cream blasted its way past Silver Spoon and came to a grinding halt farther away. Diamond Tiara jumped out of the driver seat and smiled wide. “Ice cream for everypony!”

“Something ridiculous,” Silver Spoon sighed and went back to her checklist, marking off ‘ice cream’. “I have a feeling that we got more done while Mono wasn’t around, though. It’s like he just radiates procrastination.”

Sweetie Belle mumbled an absent-minded “yeah” and continued to stare into the sky with a look of crushing boredom and disappointment. With Mono gone, thing had been… normal. Normal was boring, and it seemed that, unlike the past, the Elements’ presence did nothing to spice up the life of the town. Even the Cutie Mark Crusaders hadn’t done anything exciting lately. They were just, well… out of imagination.

As insane as that concept was, they were really out of ideas for Cutie Marks. It had happened around the time Mono had arrived on Terran, actually. But the very idea that imagination was a physical substance and capable of trickling out of one’s body was a ludicrous notion.

But ever since Mono had left Sweetie Belle had felt a sort of… emptiness inside. She couldn’t quite place it, but she’d ask her sister about it some other time.

\\||||////

“What are we supposed to do now? Do we consider him dead? Or do we try to find him?” Fleur Di Lis paced about her home, fussing over the details of Mono’s unfortunate, tragic, sudden, and assumed, demise. Fancy Pants waved a hoof.

“Dear, I wouldn’t worry about him.”

Fleur spun about to face him. “He could have suffocated in the atmosphere!”

Fancy Pants set his tea cup down. “Fleur, this is Mono we are talking about. The most stubborn, heinous, bad-mouthed and utterly spiteful creature we’ve ever associated with publicly. Given his hard-headed attitude I expect that he’ll be back to complete his debt to the three little fillies and return here promptly.”

“I seriously doubt that he’d give up the chance at making more bits,” Fancy said as he took another sip. Fleur gave him a questioning look and he deadpanned. “The legitimate way, of course. No alchemy around here, I say.”

“Too bad he missed Shining Armor’s coronation,” Script commented from another sofa. She held a glass of milk in her golden aura, reading the Canterlot Times while she drank. “I hear that there was no way out of that one. He was actually forced to be a princess.”

The three of them stayed quiet as they pondered the statement.

“Would that make Cadence and Shining lesbians?”

Fleur’s question plunged the three into even deeper thought.

“Voila!” The shout came from downstairs, followed by four pairs of excited hooves up the stairs to the lounge where the others sat. Flim and Flam hopped into the center of the room, a large blueprint rolled into a tube held in Flam’s magical grasp.

“Mares and Gentlecolts,” Flim began.

“We present to you,” Flam continued.

“THE PDQ PEN PUSHER!” The two shouted at the same time, unraveling the blueprint of a large machine. “Completely pony operated, to create jobs of course, and safe to use for anypony utilizing it,” the mustached brother stated.

“Not only that, but this unit will increase pen output by sixty-eight percent per pony! That’s ten pens per minute compared to a measly one!” Flim grinned widely, while his brother Flam did the same. “The PDQ Pen Pusher requires little maintenance and the materials for a prototype can be gathered easily in Canterlot.”

Flam popped up behind Fancy and grinned. “All we need is the patent and the go-ahead from you, oh Second in Command.”

Fancy Pants’ answer was instantaneous. “Yes.”

\\||||////

Things were… peaceful without Mono. No rogue tidal waves of gold or gouts of geothermic flame rising from the ground. In fact, it was a normal day for Applejack. Not normal like having to stop a super villain in twelve minutes normal, but before Twilight arrived in town normal.

The sun was shining, her apples were growing, and all kinds of critters flew, crawled, and hopped about her orchard. Except for beetles, Applejack hates beetles.

Loading more apples into a cart, the mare took a moment to stare out over the hills that made up her pristine, perfect orchard. This orchard was so goddamn perfect Jesus Christ himself called up Buddha who then invited Muhammed who brought along Zeus to check this apple farm out.

And they was all like: damn girl.

Applejack was very proud of herself and her perfect, flawless, absolutely untouched masterpiece of fruit.

A crack ripped through the air, causing Applejack to swivel her ears, followed by her entire head, toward the sky. There, pushing through the clouds and punching Rainbow Dash from her napping spot, was a chunk of ice hurtling toward the earth at terminal velocity.

Applejack could only watch, helpless, as the titanic block of ice twice her size slammed into her perfect orchard and obliterated two-hundred of her trees like a fist through tissue paper. The flawless trees were uprooted as the block of ice tore along the ground.

It came to a grinding halt some two-hundred feet away from her, leaving deep gouges in the orchard’s dirt. With a scream of bewilderment, she ran into town, looking for the ever-talented Miss Sparkle.

\\||||////

“And you’re saying it just crashed into your orchard from the sky?” Twilight asked, her eyebrow raised in disbelief. Rainbow Dash swooped down from the sky beside Applejack.

“You guys! I decided to peek into that giant ice block thing and uh… Well, you’re not gonna believe this one.”

\\||||////

Scootaloo saw the glacial strike from the ground, along with the other fillies and colts. Rushing as fast as they could, they meant to check the cool-looking giant ice cube out before the adults kept them from it.

Now inside the orchard, the kids stared at the slowly melting ice block. Inside the opaque crystallized water was a black shape, curled up slightly. Diamond Tiara leaned closer, squinting her eyes to get a better view.

“Is that…”

\\||||////

“Mono?”

Twilight stood at the block of ice, her jaw completely slack. When she had arrived with the rest of her friends, the fillies and colts from Ponyville had already gathered about the crash-site. Applejack and Rainbow Dash had gotten them to move back from the area so Twilight could examine it thoroughly.

He was indeed stuck in a sort of cryogenic stasis, perfectly preserved. “This… how… what?” Twilight simply couldn’t comprehend the fact that Mono had actually managed to essentially freeze fast enough to bring a hiatus to his vital functions. The very prospect of the situation was impossible, and yet there Mono was.

Although… Twilight wasn’t totally sure if the human was alive or dead. For all she knew, he actually died due to hypothermia and wasn’t preserved at all. The only way to find out, though, was to thaw him out.

“Magic is completely useless in this situation, girls. But we can’t heat him up too fast because if he’s still alive, he’ll go into shock and die for sure. So we can’t build a fire,” Twilight said as she stared at the mansicle.

“So, what you’re saying Twi, is that we just have to wait for him to thaw out?” Rainbow Dash kicked the ice, cursing under her breath and rubbing her hoof directly after. No way were they breaking through that. Twilight sighed and nodded.

“Yes, Rainbow. And even if we could blast through it with brute force, I think that we would end up seriously hurting Mono.”

Applejack rubbed her chin, scrutinizing Mono’s blurry form. “So that option is on the table then…”

“AJ! We need him for the Championship,” Applebloom whined. Applejack glanced down at her sister and then back at the ice. Sighing, Applejack pulled her hat down and grumbled.

“Fine. We wait for him to thaw out.”

\\||||////

I blinked some water out of my eyes, not that it helped much. “Gah! Help, I’m fucking blind,” I screamed to the world. The very fact that I could scream without filling my lungs with ice crystals pointed to the fact that I was back on the surface of Terran. Good shit.

I still hung suspended by my waist, which was just beginning to gain back feeling. I wiggled my arms about to try and wrench my way out of my frozen prison. “Grr! Fuck!”

“Maybe if I…” I immediately began to focus on shaking, which was aided by the fact that I was really fucking cold. Shivering, I then reached out into my mind for my ability and embraced it. My shivering shifted into high-speed vibrations, melting the ice much faster.

While floating about in a block of ice, I had had some time to hone my powers. Sounds silly, I know, but fuck you. I discovered, during my icy reflection, that my power was an integral part of me, like an arm or a leg. I had to consciously flex the ability and tell it how to work.

Turns out, I can direct it to separate limbs or keep my mind moving in the present while my body does something like, say… vibrate incredibly fast to cause friction against the ice and melt it? Yeah, just like that.

The only dangers with selective power manipulation were not being able to properly communicate between my mind and body while sending my flesh bag into a supercharged state. The science behind it, I assume, is needlessly complicated, but somehow my nervous system could translate messages between my lobes and my super-powered body.

I chose not to argue and instead just rolled with it.

Long story short, now I could not pay attention and slam my body into walls at high-speed while I would barely have any time to react. More practice would be needed, then.

“Finally.”

I swung my head to look into a bright light being held aloft in a purple glow. The light significantly dimmed and I saw Twilight Sparkle holding a lantern in her magical aura. “That took forever,” she said, setting the lantern down as she did so.

“How long have I been frozen here?” I asked her.

“Four days.”

“Shit.”

“You’ve been off-planet for a week, though.”

“Fuck! The Championship! The team!”

“Relax, Mono, we got it covered.”

I saw the Crusaders enter the little circle of light, a smug grin plastered on all their muzzles. Letting out a sigh and feeling a sweat drop run down my head, I grinned. “Good save, then. Now if you’ll excuse me…”

I went back to vibrating while the ponies stared at me blankly.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVRRRRRRRRRRR

“I’m going back inside,” Scootaloo said before heading back to the farm house.

“Yeah, me too.”

“Me three, ya’ll.”

The lantern knocked Applebloom to the ground.

Everypony glared at Mono, whose outstretched hand was aimed directly at Applebloom. “Aw yeah… I’m back, bitches.”

Author's Note

I do time-skips with style, yo.

DELETED SCENE #2

Author's Note

BwBb will be going on a hiatus. Not just any regular hiatus, but a SPORTS CHAMPIONSHIP NUCLEAR UPDATE HIATUS. Once it comes off hiatus, the entire mini-arc will be uploaded in one shot, thus ending the Second Arc: Ponyville OP. Just so you know, the First Arc is called Beginnings in Stupid. I have no set release date for the SPORTS CHAMPIONSHIP NUCLEAR UPDATE, but it may come out either at the end of the month or sometime in the first or second week of March. But not to worry, because we're talking like, four or five chapters uploaded in one sitting.

NOW, on to this deleted scene. Taken from nowhere in particular, this chapter was written separately with the same precedence of Mono being a diabetic. I scrapped this chapter because it had way too many things going on in the same chapter, and the miraculous cure I could never really explain. It only really served as a way to get over writer's block while writing Slime City.

(PS- 92 is a fantastic blood-sugar, and considered normal. Over 160 is considered too high, and under 80 is considered low).

DELETED SCENE #2

A broom swatted at his legs, rousing him from his sleep. Th early morning sun, Celestia's sun, was risen and painfully bright. Brilliant red locks obstructed his vision, and the broom struck again.

"Get out, y'hear! Now!"

The old mare from before. The one who owned the small park here in Trottingham. She was a nice one, if difficult to swindle. She wasn't very gullible. Pity.

The broom struck again, and the lanky unicorn rose to his hooves, noticing his twin brother curled up against a tree, still deep in slumber. "He always was a heavy sleeper."

Taking a deep breath, he wore a huge smile and his eyes brightened immediately.

"My dear madame, if you would let us kindly take a few moments longer to get our bearings, we would be indebted in your favor! When our products take off you'll be bound to see-"

"Shut your mouth with that phony salesman phooey! I want you off my land NOW! You've been making yourselves right at home for three days now. Three days! It's time for you to get, and I ain't letting you slip by this time. Now OUT!"

Flam's smile dropped immediately, a worrisome, frightened look now in place. He lowered his head, practically begging. "Ma'am, please! We've nowhere to go! No family, friends, nothing! Please don-"

"GET. OUT."

A quick magic barrier prevented him from being struck by a flower pot. He backed away from the glowering mare and bowed his head. "Thank you for your hospitality…"

Nudging his brother, he gathered their belongings in the creaky cart and waited for his twin.

Neither spoke during the journey onwards, simply trotting. After Ponyville their reputation was in shambles, nopony would even hear them out. They had wasted all of their father's inheritance on a machine that was bested by some hick and her friends. Disgraceful. Awful. Irresponsible. Just some of the names that their own family had called them. They were family, before they'd been disowned by their mother's side. Their father's side was gone now, it had died with him.

Now all that was left was to trot, and keep trotting they did. From town to town, house to house, sidewalk to sidewalk. They had begged, bargained, and fought for their way of life. No longer did their coats and manes shine and no longer were they dressed in their signature matching outfits.

And yet they trudged on.

\\||||////

Dropping from the sky at an alarming rate was a saving grace wreathed in gold armor. On white wings and powerful gusts came this miracle, bearing a message in hoof.

And unto Flim and Flam did this blessing arrive.

\\||||////

"Princess, the brothers you have requested have arrived," a stoic guard reported dutifully from the cracked doors.

"They may enter." Her reply was warm and affectionate, as always.

The huge ornate slabs of wood swung opened for the twins to enter. They had taken the chance they had in their rooms to clean themselves up properly and trim any unruly mane and mustache.

Taking a brief, unsure glance at each other, they pushed open the doors and stepped inside. Upon her throne was Princess Celestia, smiling and radiant as always, as if her teeth themselves lit the room with their positive sheen.

As one, they bowed to her. She nodded and ask that they rise, still keeping that warm smile. "My little ponies, I thank you for coming to Canterlot on such short notice."

The two brothers grimaced. It wasn't as if they had had anywhere to be or go. They thanked her in turn and awaited for her next word. She said nothing, but seemed to grow more impatient. She was looking around for something it seemed. The brothers dared not interfere.

She swung her head to and fro, even looking under a few of the pillows. Finally, she sighed. "Excuse me, gentlecolts."

WIth a pop and a flash of light, the regal mare disappeared from their presence. Flim and Flam stared at the throne, confused.

\\||||////

"Mono!"

A small huddled form on the oversized bed grumbled and shifted, attempting in vain to escape the source of the shout.

"Mono!"

The form launched its pillow at the noise, only for it to miss and knock a lamp off of its table. Celestia was becoming thoroughly annoyed with him now.

"WAKE UP!"

Mono fell out of bed from the sheer force of her shout, rivaling that of her sister's by a fair margin. His eyes were wide and shocked, and his arms stuck to his chest in an effort to slow his heartbeat.

With a groan and a glare, he got up and threw his clothes on with no effort. "I'm goin', I'm goin."

Celestia fired up her ivory horn and teleported back into the throne room, causing the twins to jump in fright.

"I apologize, I had to take care of some, er… business. I'm sure you understand, a Princess' life can be so busy sometimes. It's as if all I ever do is sign wavers, control the sun, and smile like some kind of fool. Just once I'd like to relax and not worry about-"

"IT'S ABOUT GODDAMN TIME!"

Celestia immediately furrowed her brows into a deadpan. "I don't even care anymore."

Flim and Flam turned to witness a small creature with a disproportionate head walking towards them briskly, a wry smile on its face. At first, they were taken off guard, but due to Celestia's calm, they waited to see what this thing had to say.

"Flim and Flam, in the flesh." It shook its head, its arms on its hips. "Can't believe it, myself! Great to make your acquaintance. I'm sure you have some questions, so go ahead and ask."

"What are you?" Flam asked cautiously.

"Human. Male. I'm from an entirely different plane of existence, and my name is Mono. I'm an extra-terrestrial, and now that you're here we can get to work."

Flim and Flam were dumbstruck. Not only were they hailed by Princess Celestia, but by a being from not only another world but another reality? It was a bit overwhelming, but they both managed to calm themselves before replying.

"And what will we be working on, per say?"

Mono looked up at them and grinned widely, his sharp canines making the fur on their necks bristle. "The future."

\\||||////

Walking to the courtyard with Flim and Flam felt surreal. I never imagined that I would be actually working with them. It made my chest tighten in excitement and pride.

As we walked, I had noticed something.

"When was the last time I checked my blood sugar?"

I halted immediately, and they skid to a stop so as not to trample me to death. They looked down upon me while I contemplated my thoughts.

"Are you alright, er," started Flam.

"Mono," finished his twin.

I turned around. "You two wouldn't mind accompanying me to the Royal Physician, would you?"

The looks on their faces said no.

\\||||////

Okay, so the Physician, whom I learned was named Sterile Hooves, was quite frustrated. Twilight Sparkle and Fluttershy had heard about my first checkup somehow and come to observe. Fluttershy with focus and Twilight with more focus and a plethora of notebooks and quills.

"I can't use any spells to examine your skeletal structure, musculature system, or your respiratory track. The only thing I've been able to do so far is check your hearing, breathing, and temperature. Why must this be so infuriating?!"

She breathed quickly, but calmed down to look at me propped on top of the table. "Do you have any suggestions?"

"I'm here to find out what changes my body is going through. Just yesterday did I have Diabetes, and now I haven't felt any signs of high or low blood sugar."

The ponies stared at me dumbly, I stared back incredulously. "You don't have Diabetes around here, do you?"

The ponies shook their heads. "I've never heard of such a thing in my life? Could you explain it?" Sterile Hooves eyed me curiously now instead of looking like she wanted to rip open my chest. I merely groaned.

"Let's put it like this: I can't eat too much sugar or I'll die. An organ inside of my body is deactivated and cannot dispense insulin into my bloodstream. Insulin monitors the sugar in my blood. There is no cure for the disease, and it is completely genetic."

Sympathetic looks. Urgh.

"Okay okay, look. Let's do a test." I turned to Sparkle. "Get Pinkie to fashion the sugariest, unhealthiest beast of a cupcake she can." I should have remembered Pinkie Pie's freaky abilities, because she appeared right next to me with a pink-frosted cupcake.

"Hiya Mono!" she shouted, knocking my light little body upon the floor with a noisy THUD.

A grumble and a bloodstream-poisoning pastry later, and we all sat expectantly in the quiet infirmary. I told them we had to wait about thirty minutes, and so we had begun. I checked my ipod for the time.

We were only three minutes in.

When she saw the device, Twilight immediately straightened up and gazed upon it, already beginning to sketch a picture of it. I gave her my best flat look and she stopped immediately. She seemed to be squirming. So did Fluttershy. And even Flim and Flam. Oh, and Sterile Hooves. Pinkie had to leave because I told her this was 'super serious boring waiting around and doing nothing stuff'.

I was so glad it worked.

I huffed and motioned Twilight to ask a question, slipping the mp3 player back into my coat. "What do you want to know?"

"God-fucking-dammit."

\\||||////

Thirty minutes. With highly inquisitive ponies. Sucks ass.

There were so many questions that they wanted answered. "Do we hunt animals? How many of you are there? Are they all your size? What are your laws like? What method of government does your country run? Do you have a special somepony? Do you have a pet? How many? Name your favorite medical procedure. You want to get some lunch, Flim? Sure, Flam."

"Sons-a-bitches left me with these chatterboxes. Thanks a lot."

After answering their questions, I opened my blood-testing kit and pricked my finger with the lancet. Twilight and Fluttershy looked most perturbed, but Sterile was even-faced, as should be expected from a doctor.

When they saw blood is when everything spiraled out of control.

\\||||////

"Mono, stop! You don't need to do this! You have much more to live for!"

"Mmph grrrm Mpph mmph mph!"

"Um, Mono… could you please… not… yell into my flank? …it tickles…"

"MMMPH MMPH MPH?! MMMMMMPPPHHH!!!!"

\\||||////

After that whole debacle they actually let me test my blood, the heated blushes slowly fading from their muzzles. I watched the numbers count down.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1.

I stared breathlessly at the result. My eyes widened in shock. I felt my heart skip a beat and my eyes water.

"Ninety-two… NINETY-FUCKIN'-TWO!" I laughed madly, tossing the small black pouch over my head and dissolving into maniacal laughter. After so many years…

Tears flowed freely from my eyes, and I clenched my fists, hopping from one foot to the other. It was like freedom.

I ran out onto the balcony and hauled myself up swiftly, my mouth opened into a massive yell. "EAT A DICK, SCIENCE! YOU CAN'T HOLD ME BACK! ALL HAIL DRAMATIC CONVENIENCE!"

Well, maybe science couldn't hold me back, but it sure did pull. Pull me right over the edge. Thanks gravity, you're a real pal.

[ARC II and a 1/2!] Chapter 27- Get Goin' Ya Dumb Bastards

[ARC II and a 1/2!] Chapter 27- Get Goin' Ya Dumb Bastards

"If you fall behind, run faster. Never give up, never surrender, and rise up against the odds." ~Jesse Jackson

Aw shit son. It was finally starting after three days of waiting around and doing fuck-all. On my agenda today were three notes of keen interest: my custom uniform order from Bereau, the team brackets, and lunch with Fancy, Fleur, Quick, Flim, Flam, and Penchant. The Championship itself started in another two days, on Monday, which I flipped my shit about when Sweetie told me. But regardless of that bullshittery, it was time to get serious.

Pfft, as if. I was gonna make these kids wish they had half my skill… and opposable thumbs. Though I had heard that minotaurs and griffons were to be joining in on the Championship, so maybe I’d be able to taunt the ponies with them.

But for the moment I had to throw thoughts of horny guys and bird people out of my mind.

Though the two did cross my mind in some role-play situations. The less said about that the better, okay?

Anyway, I was on my way to pick up the uniforms, and to be honest… It was really fucking boring on my way there. Nobody bothered me, pestered me, or tried to fuck with me in general. It was legitimately the weirded shit I had ever experienced thus far in this town.

All of the ponies just passed me by while keeping with their schedules, much as I intended to keep to mine. I even saw Pinkie bouncing along happily, albeit with a bit of a lump on her forehead. “I wonder how she managed to get that.”

Within just ten minutes I had made it to Madame Bereau’s rented home and acquired the uniforms for Ponyville’s team. Yes, I bought them with Cheerilee’s money. No, she didn’t see me take it from her desk. Yes, she does keep a healthy supply of bits left over from the Million-Bit Miracle. And fucking yes that is what they called that little mishap.

God damn it’s like I have to tell you the entire fucking story or something, sheesh.

I paid that slut, took the uniforms, and proceeded to the Schoolhouse. We had a meager team of twenty, as the rules stated. I didn’t read the rules, Sweetie read them to me. And then I forgot about them. If I did something wrong during the games, it would be a baptism by fire, just the way I liked it.

I kicked open the door of the Schoolhouse, which just barely fit the entire team, and I chucked the box at Applebloom. The cardboard container smacked her dead in the muzzle and she hit the floor hard. I myself slung my uniform over my shoulder and bid them adieu.

As I stepped outside into the light of day, I blinked and looked up into the sky. “Everything is going way too well. Where is somebody to ask me for help or berate me for doing something? Have they forgotten about me since I went into orbit?”

I held my chin and looked down at the ground, averting my gaze from the cloudless summer sky. “Come to think of it, none of my team in Canterlot has really sent me a letter since I got vomited on by that dragon.” I huffed, stuck my mittened hands in my pockets, and continued forth. I had some time to kill until the gang got here anyway.

\\||||////

I spiked the controller into the floor. “EAT FIREBALL, BITCH!”

I had run into Button Mash while thinking of what to do with my time, and so I asked if he wanted to play some games. Boy did he ever. It turned out that we were equally competitive, and it quickly turned into…

\\||||////

“GRAH! YOU DAMN MONKEY!” Button Mash shouted at his opponent, clutching his bulky controller in his hooves angrily. Until now they had been neck-and-neck, but a surprise combo and a dirty fireball from Mono and Voluptuous Vixen Vagabond had gone down for the KO.

Mono danced around on the couch, pelvic thrusting and throwing chips into the air. The human quickly sat down and grinned over at Button. “Ready to get your shit rocked again, nooblord?”

Button Mash nearly snapped his controller in half. “I was just going easy on you… Super Mega Mortal Mares is my specialty!” Button selected character select and went straight for Foxy Frozen Filly. Mono grinned and selected Curvaceous Curbstomp Chick.

The stage began to load, and the two stared dead ahead with furious determination. Mono’s smirk had disappeared. While he had reveled in his victory, Button was a worthy opponent. “If he had fingers, I’d be fucking screwed,” Mono thought to himself.

Button glanced at Mono. He knew from Sweetie Belle that this guy had games where he came from, but he had no idea that Mono had played games just like this one. “He truly is a worthy opponent,” Button said within his mind, “if a bit of a dick.” Button has one damn dirty mouth.

The stage loaded, and the two took a sidelong glance at the other, righteous fury burning in their eyes.

“3!”

“2!”

“1!”

“FIGHT!”

Immediately, the room was filled with sensual grunts, groans, and moans as the two mares with tight clothing grappled, kicked, and wrestled one another on the screen. Every attack made the other mare’s butt jiggle, and the two boys were completely oblivious to its sexual content due to their inflamed rivalry.

A symphony of growling and clicking became readily apparent as the two began to chain combos and initiate counters.

Button flew into a furious flurry of kicks, punches, and a few ass slaps as Mono’s Curbstomp Chick got juggled. “NO! FUCKING NO, YOU ASSHOLE!” Mono clutched his controller while Button grinned maniacally. Ending the eighty-seven hit combo with a final, weak low kick, Mono’s character dropped to make Button’s win.

“GODAMMIT!”

“YEAH! EAT IT, MONKEY!”

They continued like this for another hour, shouting and hollering while putting one another down virtually and verbally.

\\||||////

“AH! CRAP!”

“Oh, what’s wrong? Am I pushing your buttons?”

\\||||////

“SCREW YOU!”

“You play as stupid as your hat looks!”

\\||||////

“NO! NO NO NO! DAMMIT!”

“Can you say: COMBO BREAKER?”

\\||||////

“HOW? I HIT COUNTER, LIKE, A HUNDRED TIMES!”

“I hit you a hundred and one times!”

\\||||////

“…”

“Yeah, this character is pretty cheap…”

“Ban?”

“Definite ban.”

\\||||////

“Well, dude, I’ve gotta head to lunch with some business partners of mine,” I said to the colt. We got our play time in, though by the furious swearing and hurling of insults, one would think we hated one another. Nay, say I, it is a mutual bonding experience between two bros to habitually poke fun at and insult one another.

A bromance without shared insults isn’t a bromance at all. That’s just regular romance. And that shit is just not close enough, my homies.

But I digress, Button and I are total bros to this day, and we would go on to game many times after this. “Alright, Mono, see ya later,” Button said while I threw my coat back on and stuffed my uniform into my inside jacket pocket.

“Hey man, don’t worry that we couldn’t hang out more today. I’m sure in some other stupid-as-fuck nonsense bullshit clusterfuck universe we’re playing games all the time.”

\\||||////

Mono drew two explosives from his inventory, grinning from underneath his helm while Button Mash readied his greatsword. Mono’s long green waist sash blew in the wind while Button’s deep red cloak did the same.

In the real world, their physical and spiritual abilities were limited.

Here, in Equestrian Earth…

The two pushed off from their starting positions, sending chunks of earth and dust spewing from the ground as they charged one another.

“GRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!”

A massive explosion of yellow and red ripped through the air, sending the smell of ozone and paprika through the air. Huge chunks of dirt and mud rained down around the two figures clouded by the dust left from the detonation. The silhouettes shifted as one, and then charged one another again.

Here, in Equestrian Earth, they were gods among players.

\\||||////

“Nah, Mono, that’s just some more of your crazy bullshit.”

\\||||////

I made my way through town, thankfully being ignored by everyone again, despite the fact that I found it unsettling. I both craved the attention and thanked Bejeezus for its absence, my own mind couldn’t make up its damn mind! It made no goddamn sense!

But what did in Equestria? Friendship beams? Love nukes? Refracting light into a rainbow contrail by shattering the sound and light barrier whilst simultaneously keeping a body of flesh and bone together to keep from being rent apart?

So maybe they’re all plausible because of ‘magic’, but you know what?

Fuck magic. Fuck everything it stands for. Fuck Disney, fuck the Elder Scrolls, fuck Lord of the Rings. My Little Pony ruined magic for me. That’s right, it RUINED magic for me. It’s as if every little problem they have can be told to fuck off thanks to magic.

And there’s no real explanation for it, that’s just ‘how it works’. What kind of simpleton would just explain away something that’s probably really important, like a broken leg or something, with ‘magic’? I mean…

Oh, I went off on a tangent, my bad. So, I arrived at The Spotted Lupus and saw the gang waiting at the front. Penchant stood with them, smiling and chatting up a storm. Damn that guy could talk. He usually talked about something worth remembering, and they were usually convoluted, lengthy stories that you couldn’t help but smile at when you were delivered the punchline.

Sure, he talked a lot, but he had a lot of good shit to say. When it came to me, however… Well, c’mon, let’s be honest: I’m an asshole and I purposefully say shit to piss other ponies off. Plus, my name is Mono Nucleosis. Anything coming out of my mouth is basically utilized to scorch earth and make ponies butthurt.

And so, I made my way to the group, already counting the bits in my pocket to pay for the lunch. What I didn’t expect to see was another member of the party: Sure Stitch. Upon getting to the group, they all greeted me with varying degrees of friendliness.

The only unfriendly one was Sure Bitch, that fuckin’ skank. “Why are you trying to start shit, ya skank?” I asked her. She seemed unfazed, and only threw a parchment at me before revealing a glass bottle with about two dozen orange pills within. “What the hell is this?”

“After hearing of your abilities, the other countries, along with Princesses Celestia and Luna, have officially prohibited your use of them.” I stared at her blankly while this new information ran through my mind.

“Ponies are ten times stronger than me, can fly, teleport, and generally are overpowered as FUCK! What gives you the right to take away my powers! And how are you gonna do it with no magic?”

Sure Stitch placed the bottle into my hand and began speaking. “On the paper it reads that your powers are to be nullified through use of those pills. It is signed by the Zebrican Prime Minister, the Griffonian Queen, and the King of the Minotaur Lands.” I nearly ripped the paper into a million pieces and called her a cunt.

“Fuck you, cunt!”

Okay, so I have bad self-control. Regardless, I supposed that I had no overall choice and eyed the pills. “What do they do, exactly?”

“Why should I tell you?”

“Because they could kill me, that’s why!”

“Maybe you shouldn’t have called me a cunt.”

“Ugh… fine. I’m sorry I called you a cunt. I guess ‘fucking bitch’ will have to suffice. Now, what do these placebos do?”

Stitches narrowed her eyes. “Those are pills I designed to redistribute your blood cells’ abilities in a way that evenly spreads out their energy through your entire body. While you won’t be nearly as fast as before, you’ll be stronger, more alert, and have increased agility for as long as its effects last.”

“Woah woah woah, my blood cells? What does this have to do with my blood cells?”

“Your peculiar abilities stem directly from your blood cells, Mono. I took a few samples while you slept. We can’t mimic your powers by using magic, due to your immunity to it, but any being can gain your powers by drinking your blood.”

I had to take a chill pill, and not one from that bottle she just gave me. “Drinking my blood? Eww! What the fuck is wrong with you? Who tested that shit out for you?” Of course I had forgotten to ask about why the hell she wanted to take blood samples in the first place. I mean, I know that I sleep like a rock at the bottom of the ocean, but goddamn.

“There were a few batponies around who volunteered to taste it for me.”

“I thought batponies were just regular ponies disguised with magic and shit.”

“Most guards in the Lunar Division are. Some of them are the real deal, hailed straight from Neighpon, to the east. Legitimate batponies can drink blood in emergencies and have eyes well-equipped for dim lighting.”

I mulled over that information slowly. “Okay, well fuck me, there are vampires in My Little Pony. The fandom wins again. Now, let’s lose this nerd and get some food, I’m starved.”

And so, we left Sure Stitch outside and crowded around our table within.

\\||||////

I knew I had to pay for everything and it still came as a fucking shock when I got the bill. Nine hundred and eighty seven bits. God. Fucking. Damn. “That was fun… for you fuckers. You cover the bill next time, Quick.”

“Mono, that’s quite unchivalrous,” Fancy commented.

“Oh come on, she’s a strong, independent young mare. She can handle it. Plus, you work for Fancy and I now, Quick. Your salary is absolutely retarded.” Quick Script sighed and lowered her head in defeat. Yeah, I saw her paycheck from Fancy on her desk while I was still at the castle. What the fuck, man?

Instead of arguing with her further, I waved my hand at them and bid them adieu, I had places to be and I was in a rush. Brackets, brackets, brackets, brackets.

All I could think about were the brackets now. For the first time during my stay in Equestria, I could stick to some remote semblance of a schedule, even if it was only for the day. The brackets were to be delivered to every citizen in Ponyville. Sadly, I was a citizen of Canterlot in Ponyville, and I hadn’t exactly gone through the system by conventional means… so at the moment taxes, housing, and jobs were a mystery to me.

Regardless of that bullshit, I knocked on Twilight’s front door. “Yo, nerd! Didja get the brackets or what?” I shouted at her tree’s entrance. The door opened and I came face to face with Spike. “What’s up, homie?”

“Not much, Mono. What do you want?”

“The brackets for the upcoming game, you got ‘em?” I asked the dragon. Smiling, he pulled a scroll from behind him and handed it to me. “Thank you kindly, Spike!”

“Anyti-!” I cut him off by slamming the door in his face, unfurling the scroll and analyzing the team match-ups.

“Oh hoho, now this I like!”

The teams that were competing in this tourney were: Ponyville, Canterlot, Appleoosa, Cloudsdale, Fillydelphia, Manehatten, Stalliongrad, and Trottingham. Except Las Pegasus apparently, due to illegal gathering of funds to support their team. Something about mob activity. The griffons, zebras, minotaurs, and neighponese had also held their own version of the games, and each had a team. Except for the minotaurs, thanks to a last-second legal dispute about the coach and his so-called 'sexual deviancy'. Wuh-oh.

First up were: Ponyville and Cloudsdale.

Author's Note

WHOOP WHOOP

The Equestrian Earth scene featuring Mono and Button is a direct nod to Equestrian Earth by Chaotic Noteworth. Props go to him for an amazing story.

I'm going to Florida for a wedding, and then I'm gonna continue regular updates of BwBb. And, if you're feeling like a short-but-silly read, head on over to Prop Hunt. It should be updated during my suffering in Florida. Joy.

[???] The Question

Author's Note

Author sat at the edge of time, space, and imagination, watching countless other realities fly by like a collective of passing bullet trains. It was bored. So utterly, hopelessly bored. Looking down into the screen that sat upon its lap, it scowled. The frozen scene of Mono punting a kickball into a pegasus’ head infuriated the writer to no end. Author’s blue hands clasped its face as the blue ethereal being screamed in fury. Glaring out over the edge of its own reality, Author spit and knocked another reality out of its path, causing it to veer into another… and another… and… another. Author winced as its action caused the collapse of at least fifty other realities.

A pop and a clicking sound alerted Author to a second presence here at the edge of Creation. Looking backwards, Author’s wispy facial features shifted into a surprised look. You? Oh come on? Can you blame me? There are so many ways for this Championship nonsense to play out, and now you’ve showed up to give me some shit? Really?! The spirit slammed its laptop shut and stood, glaring at the rival spirit in front of it. Golden energy laced Author’s ghostly hands, and the laptop disappeared. Okay, fucker, we do this now.

A silver knight waved his hands frantically, yet he couldn’t speak; not in Author’s plane of reality. Author charged forward, fists bared and shouts deepening in pitch. The knight teleported away, very far away, to escape the being’s wrath. The knight gave a sigh of relief and contemplated leaving, but a flash of golden light punched him in the chest and sent him careening through empty space.

Several hundred thousand realities passed him by in an instant, and soon he collided with one, breaking through it and entering one of the many universes it contained, into a galaxy, into a solar system, and onto a planet, where he busted through it and ended Equestria during its Middle Age. The knight continued on through the solar system, out the galaxy, past the universe, and exploded out of the reality as it imploded. His shaken form was grabbed by the energy-laced hand of Author.

The knight brought to hands up and made the ’T’ symbol for time out, and Author briefly* considered it.

*For all values of briefly reaching zero*

The knight was thrown through a wormhole and landed on the soft grass of Equestria, his entire body sore and enjoying the feeling of the foliage through his armor. It was nice and cool, moisturized by the morning dew and the pleasant chill of the early morning. The knight let out a contented sigh and closed his eyes. The knight felt a sudden pressure and opened his eyes again, only to have them closed for him when a satellite crashed atop him.

“Applejack! Applejack! C’mere quick!”

The knight cracked his eyelids open again and saw Applebloom frantically calling out for her sibling. The filly disappeared in a flash of golden light and ash, and Author landed amongst the powdered filly, scattering her remains in a gale-force wind. A shadowy spirit with red eyes appeared beside Author, its face twisted into an enraged scowl.

You ruined my Applebloom and Babs Seed ship! Why I oughta-!

The spirit was grabbed by its ethereal throat and thrown through a rip in Creation created by Author’s will alone. Author was angry… and bored. This was more fun than it had had in a while. It pointed to the knight and shouted loud enough to obliterate the unshakable apple trees behind him. YOU ARE GOING TO FUCKING KISS A BLACK HOLE.

The knight snickered, taking Author’s threat the wrong way. Author gained a pinkish tint to its wispy face. No. FUCK YOU! Come here! Author picked the knight up and punched him hard enough to propel the knight like an ICBM headed straight toward Canterlot. The knight’s body gained a titanic amount of instantaneous velocity and demolished the entire rock face of the mountain Canterlot was built upon, causing the entire city to fall down with the largest rock slide known to ponykind.

The knight picked himself up from the rubble and received a knee to his chin, rocketing once again out of that particular reality and into the existence where all realities coalesced. Author transported itself beside the rapidly-traveling knight and karate-chopped him down into another reality with a movement so fast that Bruce Lee began rolling in his grave demanding a brawl.

The knight landed between two charging forces: one made of griffins and diamond dogs, the other of ponies. A single pegasus with a large revolver and a wing made of some metal blinked owlishly. “What in the- ?” The pegasus’ head exploded when Author uppercut it directly from a hole in space, Author’s body slowly following its fist. The pegasus’ body collapsed upon the ground.

“Th- That thing killed Clockwo- !”

The mare’s body was liquefied with a snap of Author’s fingers. Do I really need to keep cutting everybody off? It’s getting kind of repetitive. Turning about, Author conjured a huge claymore land mine from a mass of off-white substance and planted it behind him. The detonation wiped out the entirety of the pony defense, letting the griffons and diamond dogs pass through and go on to crush all Equestrian resistance. Author saw so in its mind’s eye.

Turning to face the knight, Author was surprised when a hammer strike knocked it through to another reality in one swing. Dark clouds gathered above a horned mage as he piloted a well-armed machine against a humanoid Princess Celestia. “Holy hell! What the fuck was that?!” the mage and Princess shouted simultaneously. Author rubbed its chin and pushed aside a slab of concreted that had landed atop it. Fucker.

The knight appeared in a flash of blue light and pointed his hammer at Author. I’ve held bigger hammers than that, you fucking pansy-ass! The knight’s shoulders heaved in immature laughter as Author’s eyes narrowed. I hate you. Reaching out, Author ripped the weapons from the evil mage’s war machine and held them aloft with the powers bestowed upon him by go fuck yourself. The knight flew at Author in response and swung his hammer.

It collided with something fleshy and decidedly not suited for such extreme amounts of force, and Celestia’s entire upper body was broken apart at the quark level. The splitting of so many atoms detonated an explosion so fantastic that the two spiritual beings– Author and the knight, of course– spun through the blast cloud of a dying reality and punched into yet another healthy realm ripe for the fucking.

The two traded blows with their fists, landing punches so hard that even as they entered the atmosphere they were igniting it. Far below the rapidly-combusting sky, two humans waved goodbye to a crowd of ponies.

“We’ve lived so long, saw so many pass while we carried on. It’s time we found our place in the universe. Goodbye.” The ponies waved goodbye as Anon and Mous, the two longest-lived beings on Equus, departed them. Mous threw a crystal on the ground and stomped it, opening a portal to another random world. Looking at Anon, Mous smiled and jerked his thumb toward the magic hole. “Let’s go then, shall we?”

LET’S GO, ASSHOLE!

Author and the knight landed upon the two immortal (not anymore) humans and continued to slug it out as the world literally burned around them. Ponies around them found that they could not breathe all of a sudden, a fact which neither affected nor bothered the two beings duking it out, and the ponies’ bodies lit aflame shortly after compressing.

The knight missed a punch and Author took advantage, willing itself and the knight to fall through into another reality. Instead of a planet, the two brawlers found themselves battling in orbit, kicking and punching away. Author grabbed the knight by his feet and swung forward with as much might as it could muster, blowing the moon into millions of shards. The knight spiraled out into space as the green and blue planet’s oceans swallowed up the surface of the world, even as pieces of the moon sailed down to add insult to injury.

Author grabbed the knight and began bashing him in the face with a purplish-black alicorn, which was now noticeably more purplish-black than before due to the bruising. Grabbing the alicorn with two hands, Author pulled back and swung her like a baseball bat, snapping her spine in half and expelling the knight through space and into the sun, which also exploded due to science.

The wormhole its explosion created spit Author and the knight out into Creation again, and Author punched him once more. Author then grabbed the knight and carefully aimed its next throw. Tossing him into another reality, Author snapped its fingers and snatched the knight from his trajectory within said reality. Thousands of massive ships blasted one another in the emptiness of space as a dying star loomed less than a lightyear away.

So, what in the sweet name of Jesus H. Fucking Christ do you want? Author growled at the knight. The knight lazily brought his head up, making sure to look Author dead in its glowing eyes. The knight pulled up a stack of papers clipped together, the huge words ‘BWBB CHAPTER 28’ on its front cover. Speaking in a hoarse, pained voice tinted with age, the knight asked his question.

“When?”

Hefting the knight over its shoulder, Author catapulted the being past the struggling ships and into the event horizon head first. Glaring at the disappearing knight, Author opened a literal door in the middle of space and stepped through into Creation.

Soon.

[???] The Question

Chill.

[ARC II] Chapter 28- Caught Between the Clouds and a Hard Place

"Sports do not build character. They reveal it." -Heywood Broun

“So we’re gonna be playing a bunch of feathered, hollow-boned, six-limbed freaks who don’t know shit about the ground,” I shouted at my team, grinning widely. “I don’t know what’s more depressing: the fact that they’ve never smelled a flower or the fact that they’re gonna get chopped from the Championship on day one!”

A chorus of little cheers met my declaration, and my grin intensified. “Now, for all you pegasi on this team, I don’t mean to offend you. Well, maybe just a little bit, but I mainly direct these insults to those fucking birds that have come to try and perch on our shot at winning THAT FUCKING CHAMPIONSHIP. AND I’LL BE DAMNED IF SOME FUCKING PIGEON-ASS MOTHERFUCKERS TRY TO PECK US OUT. THEY WON’T BE THE ONES SHITTING ON MY CAR! WE’LL BE THE ONES SHITTING ON THEIR CARS.”

“I don’t get it.”

“Shut the FUCK UP Featherweight, nobody cares what you think.” I put my hand out towards the Ponyville team, smiling all the way. “Who’s gonna tear these cloud-huffing fowls a new functional ASSHOLE?”

A variety of colored hooves landed atop my own, and I threw my mittened palm into the air. “GO PONYVILLE,” blasted from the Schoolhouse, cracking the windows and shaking the floorboards. Twenty minutes away from game one, and we were super fucking pumped.

\\||||////

Ten minutes away from Game One- Ponyville VS Cloudsdale

“Look at these ground-humping pansies. We can fly circles around these chumps any day of the week.” The gray pegasus colt snickered and shared a hoof bump with two of his compatriots. “This is gonna be a breeze.”

Team Ponyville was making its way across the field to its bleachers, looking determined and ready for a fight. The gray pegasus shook his head, tut-tutting at his opponents’ expressions. “That simply won’t do, will it girls?” The other two pegasi shook their heads and grinned.

Scooping up a mound of dirt, one of the fillies threw it at the other team, earning a yelp from one of the players at the front. The pegasi began to snicker at their deed, high-hoofing one another in glee. “Bullseye!”

“WHO THE FUCK THREW THAT DIRT?” The shout carried across the entire field, silencing all the chatter, even amongst the hundreds of ponies watching from stands and benches. A bipedal creature wearing a floppy-eared hat, a Ponyville jersey, green mittens, shorts, and dress shoes stepped out. He immediately snapped his eyes to the three pegasi.

In a flash, the pegasi found that the creature was face-to-face with their ring-leader. The gray colt jumped back slightly, alarmed at the creature’s swiftness. “Get outta my face, freak!” The colt went to shove the creature, only for his hooves to be grabbed and twisted to either side of the strange being’s body.

“Oh c’mon, you had to have heard of me. Loud-mouthed, anti-magic speed demon of Canterlot? The one that took out a crowd of raging ponies in one punch and went toe-to-toe with a dragon in the Everfree? The one that told every Princess he met to go and shove a garden spade up her ass? The one that out-pranked Rainbow Dash and smiled when Luna brought her magic against him?” The bipedal thing leaned closer to the colt’s ear. “Not ringing a bell? How about the intergalactic alien who brought Shining Armor and his guards to a screeching halt? Nope? Oh well, okay then.”

The creature let go of the colt, who stumbled back. The two other fillies jumped in front of him, their wings flared. “Back up, jerk! You touch him again and you’re toast.” The creature put its mittened hands up and shrugged, backing off slowly. One filly looked back at the colt. “You okay, Thunder?”

“Why didn’t you two do something while he was holding me? What in Tartarus took you so long?!” The two fillies looked between one another and quirked an eyebrow at Thunder.

“He only touched you for a second, Thunder.”

\\||||////

“Fucking dickhead,” I grumbled as I made my way back to my team. Not even on the field yet and those feathery fucktards had some shit to spout already. Save the jeering for the game, for Christ’s sake. “You good, Twist?”

The nerd gave me a nod and a smile, clearing off her glasses with a hoof. Nodding back, I pointed to our bleachers and let my team take their seats on the wooden planks. Now all I had to do was meet with the refs, discuss tactics with Cheerilee, bomb Team Cloudsdale and rub our victory in Rainbow Dash’s face. Easy.

I looked up at the sky, taking a deep breath on this beautiful May afternoon. Not a cloud in the sky. Not until the fucking pegasi showed up, that is. In seconds, the warm rays of the sun were blocked by hundreds of onlookers who had taken to the skies to catch the action.

“Oh fucking hell no.” That shit wasn’t gonna fly while I was playing down here. I was promised a bright, clear day, and motherfucker I was gonna get one. “We’re playing Kickball, right?” I asked Sweetie Belle, still keeping my eyes glued to the skies.

“Yeah,” she said, “how could you not remember that?”

“Doesn’t matter, just throw me a ball.” A red kickball entered my mittened hand, and I narrowed my eyes at my chosen target. Looking back down at Team Cloudsdale, I gave a loud, shrill whistle. “HEADS UP, BITCHES!” I let the ball drop to my foot as their entire team watched me.

KRAKOOM

A flash of red was all anyone saw before a stallion recoiled wordlessly and rocketed up into the sky. The cloud he had been lounging upon had a neat hole directly in its center, and his personal belongings began to rain down on everybody. Quick as a blink, I snatched a pair of binoculars and peered straight up. There he was, alright, hollering and flailing about. The air must’ve been too thin for him to fly all the way up there. “Boom, nigga.”

Tossing the binoculars aside, I raised my arms and popped the birds at Team Cloudsdale and sat down on our team’s frontmost bench. “Mono! That was completely uncalled for!” Cheerilee had already decided to start giving me shit; hasn’t she ever heard of tactics?

“It was totally called for, Cheers. Do me a favor: look at their team. Whaddya see?” I asked her, my arms crossed with one hand poking out to point at the overgrown waterfowl. The teacher rolled her eyes and looked over at Team Cloudsdale. Already they had grouped up and were feverishly discussing something, concern all over their muzzles. Or maybe that was indigestion but whatever.

“Those are the faces of fear, Ms. Cheerilee. Even though one I’m in the game I can’t use my powers, they’ll still think that I’m ridiculously overpowered. That’ll give us a good ten minutes before they find out that I can’t access my abilities, and by then it’ll be too late.” Cheerilee was now nodding slowly. “In other words: they’re already dead.”

Two out of three of my plans were completed. Now it was time for a little self-indulgence. Something that had been on my bucket list since my immature mind had gone wild at age twelve. Standing back up, I looked at Team Ponyville and grinned. “Alright you guys, time to build some morale. You remember the chant, right?”

They all pumped their hooves and cheered. “Yeah! Let’s do it! Go Ponyville!” I smiled back, not feeling the least bit guilty about what I was about to have them do.

\\||||////

Yesterday

“You guys got it?” Mono asked his team, pointing at each of them. They all nodded and grinned. “Now remember, you have to say it as loud as you can and with a helluva lot of gusto!”

Cheerilee walked inside as soon as he finished his prep, quirking an eyebrow. “What are you all doing in here?” She looked around and everyone assembled in the room. This was all of Team Ponyville. “Mono, what are you doing?”

“Chill! Cheers, in the spirit of competition and sports, I was just teaching them an ancient word from my country!” Mono motioned with his hands. “A cultural thing, y’know? Just something to do to get everybody pumped up and ready to dominate the other team.”

“Ah, I understand. What is this word that you’re teaching them?”

Mono grinned an innocent grin. “Well, in my people’s ancient language, it means ‘victory’.”

\\||||////

Today

Mono and his team assembled on the middle of the field, just three minutes from Game Start. All of the onlookers gazed out upon the field, giving Team Ponyville the spotlight for the moment. The moment Mono fulfilled one of his most dastardly dreams.

“Fillies and Gentlecolts, on behalf of myself and Ponyville, I would like to introduce a word from my country’s language. It is an ancient word meaning ‘victory’ and I urge you to join in with us once you have heard it. LET’S GO TEAM PONYVILLE!”

All of the little fillies and colts sucked in a huge breath of air to deliver what would be a truly astounding performance. Preparing to shout, they looked at Mono to give the signal. With a nod, they bellowed their chant.

“SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA!”

The crowd responded with a continuous flow of “smegma”, and Mono instantly fell to the floor crying in laughter as they continued to chant.

“SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA!”

The ponies of Ponyville were stomping their hooves and chanting the word with as much force as they could, oblivious grins and smiles on their faces. “SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA!”

Mono hopped up with a huge smile on his face and jumped high into the air.

‘VICTORY!”

“VICTORY! YEAH!”

A roar that shook the earth exploded from the stands, and Team Cloudsdale shifted nervously. Mono fist pumped and turned to his team, barely restrained laughter held behind his face. “Fantastic fucking job. Now are you guys ready to eat Cloudsdale and shit some fucking feathers out?!” He was answered by a cheer from Team Ponyville and a disapproving glare from Cheerilee.

\\||||////

I opened the bottle Sure Bitch had given me and frowned. “Fucking bullshit-ass piece of shit whore cunt-stained splooge-eaters.” I was pissed that the fucking griffons had tattled on me like a bunch of sore eight-year olds. “Fine, whatever, take my speed. I’m getting strength, agility, and endurance instead.” Grabbing one of the pills, I popped it into my mouth and took a swig of water.

Down the fucking hatch it went.

“Team Ponyville! Are you ready?” a voice called from the pitcher’s mound. I looked up and saw the ref, a pegasus with brown fur and a sandy mane, looking expectantly at us. I stood up and nodded my head.

“Friggin’ yup,” I said to him. Nodding back to me, he turned to Cloudsdale and asked them the same. They all jumped up and shouted ‘yes’ back to him. “Yeah yeah, get psyched up for nothing, you furry cloud-huffers.”

“Celestia or Luna?”

I blinked at the ref. “What?”

He showed me a coin and quirked an eyebrow. “Celestia or Luna?”

“Oh. Luna, I guess. Does it really friggin’ matter though?”

The ref shrugged and threw the coin in the air. It came back down and landed perfectly on his snout. Crossing his eyes, he nodded and turned to Team Cloudsdale. “Celestia. Team Cloudsdale gets first pick of either field or kick.”

“Kick,” their leader said immediately.

“Che, fucker.” I narrowed my gaze at the silver pegasus and snorted once.

“Alright players, take your positions immediately!”

I turned to the field and walked to the pitcher’s mound, feeling slightly sluggish but definitely beefier. That pill also made everything smell like wasabi, which was slightly unpleasant. Eh, side effects would be side effects. “Ball,” I said, and a red kickball was thrown to me.

It fit nicely in my mittened palm, and felt just like the ones at home. It also smelt of wasabi. Giving it a bit of a spin, I checked my sense of balance and whether or not it was affected. It totally was. The ball continued spinning even as I moved my arm about wildly, my arm automatically keeping it balanced as long as I focused on the task. “Sweet shit.”

“TEAM PONYVILLE VERSUS TEAM CLOUDSDALE: BEGIN!”

A cheer swept through the crowds as the first kicker stepped up to the plate. Flaring her wings, she gave a determined grin and a taunting wing flex that simulated ‘come at me bro’. I shrugged and pulled my arm back, readying the ball. She pulled her forehoof back, awaiting the target. I flinched once, and so did she.

I couldn’t help it, I grinned so wide that my canines shone in the sun. She caught sight of those and grew concerned.

“Good.”

“BATTER UP!” I shouted and threw the ball along the ground as hard as I could. Perhaps too hard. A streak of dust and grass raced toward home plate, making a buzz-saw sound as it did. In a second, it raced past our catcher and the ref, hitting the fence and making that the first ball.

“Huh. So I’m stronger than before? She wasn’t kidding, huh?”

“Ball!”

The red ball was thrown back to me, and I caught it with one hand. “A little slower this time.”

I released the ball again, but not as fast, letting it travel while I could still see it. It was still pretty damn fast. The ball raced past the filly before she could kick, and she blinked when it flew by her in a flash. “Strike one!”

The ground-based crowd cheered, much to the chagrin of the cloud-lounging pegasi up above. The ball was returned, and I decided to get interesting. This time, I chucked the ball at a strange angle, setting it at a curve that homed in towards the plate. Confused, the filly’s hoof overshot it and she fell over.

Laughter met her as the ref called strike two.

I was given the ball again, and swiftly delivered it to home plate. This time, however, she whacked it real good, sending it out as a foul, but it went far as fucking hell. It even smacked a stallion in the face, sending his corn cob straight down his throat. I looked back at the pegasus filly. Gone was the uncertainty.

She was glaring directly at me, pissed as fuck and ready to deliver. I narrowed my eyes and lowered my head slightly in response.

\\||||////

From where Twilight Sparkle was in the stands, she could see Mono’s face perfectly. It grew dark in just a moment, and he lowered his head only slightly as his entire visage became obscured by shadow. Only two white slits– presumably his eyes– remained.

“What in the-?”

\\||||////

I let loose.

\\||||////

It was over in a flash, Sweetie hadn’t even seen when the ball had left Mono’s hand. It was there one moment, he lunged forward, and it was now held in Twist’s grasp at home plate.

“You’re out!”

Mono stood straight once again, except with no grin present on his face. “Is he being… serious?” Sweetie’s thoughts raced at the very proposition at Mono taking something seriously. The things he would be capable of if he actually held a solid line of tactical thought or formulated any kind of plan would be spectacular.

“Sweetie Belle,” Mono said from his place at the pitcher’s mound. Sweetie cocked her head to the side as she watched Mono from the benches. His head slowly rose to meet her’s, the whites of his eyes seeming to shine with maleficent energy.

This was what Mono was truly capable of when he put his nose to the grindstone. Truly, a force to be-

“I GOT THAT FUCKER GOOD, HUH?”

“No, he’s not taking this seriously at all.”

Mono’s laughter roared with the crowd’s cheers, and he began flexing for everypony to see. The Ponyville citizens continued to cheer, and Mono’s grin became ever wider. The ball was thrown back to him, and the human began to bounce it, awaiting his next opponent.

“You’re gonna need to send somebody at least worth stepping up to the plate,” he challenged. “I mean, I’m taking drugs to restrict myself and you’re already getting dusted. I mean come on, you’re all legs! This game should be a cake walk for you!”

Mono dropped the kickball. “Oh wait, how could I forget, that’s the earth ponies’ thing. Yeah, you fuckers are goin’ down easier than a glass of apple juice.” The onlookers grouped on the benches began to chant ‘Ponyville’ over and over while Mono locked gazes with Cloudsdale’s youth leader.

It wasn’t clear at first, but now, with the way she was glaring at Mono and with her hat pulled low over her eyes, it was plain as white bread. Pink fur with a blonde mane and blue eyes. Intense blue eyes. She was their head honcho.

With a swing of her head, the next kicker went out: a brutish-looking pegasus with a snarl on his young face and a body more fitting for somepony several years older. Mono gave out a shrill whistle and pointed at the colt.

“Look at this growth hormone-chugging pencil dick! You couldn’t kick a ball if you could even find ‘em loaded under you!” Mono laughed when the colt snorted steam, and the human brought the ball to bear. “Incoming!”

Mono threw the ball straight down the middle, a grin marking his face as per usual. The colt at the plate, however, grinned too. A quick flex of his muscled body and the pony demolished Mono’s pitch, sending it clear over the entirety of the Ponyville team and into the trees.

Cloudsdale cheered while Mono stared into the distance where the ball had shaved the top of a couple trees off. He looked back towards Team Cloudsdale and saw the youth leader smirking victoriously. Mono narrowed his eyes and bared his teeth, picking at his canines with his tongue as the colt touched home plate.

“Home run! Safe! Cloudsdale up one point, Ponyville at zero with one out against Cloudsdale!”

Mono snapped his jaws shut, and a new ball entered his mittened hand. “Alright then, you wanna play? Then let’s fuckin’ play, Buffalo Wings.” The youth leader sent another colt out, this one lean and well-built as well. The colt flexed his wings a few times and got ready for the pitch.

“Special delivery for Fuck Face!”

The ball exploded down towards home plate and past the colt, slamming into Twist’s stomach. The filly fell over, but held onto the ball. “Strike one,” the ref called behind her. Mono stared at Twist, tapping his foot impatiently.

“You okay?” Twist nodded in response. “Okay, just let me know if I’ve got your stomach in a twist!” Nopony laughed at Mono’s pun, but he shrugged the lack of response off. “Whatever, I’m a genius.”

The ball was given and Mono returned it like a letter with bad postage. This time, Twist caught it with her hooves, effectively stopping it with her earth pony strength. Again Mono was given the ball and again he struck out a Cloudsdale player, sending the colt back.

He repeated this a final time with the next kicker, proceeding to call the frustrated filly a “whiny pussy-footed wanker” whilst doing a handstand and poking his tongue out. The teams switched positions, and Mono came face to face with the youth leader of Cloudsdale.

“Mono Nucleosis,” she said evenly.

“Dumb assortment of mismatched colors,” he responded in kind.

“My name’s Stratosphere.”

“I’m sorry, did you say: ‘I’m a queer’?”

She shook her head. “No! Stratosphere!”

“One light beer? I think you’re a little young.”

“Stratosphere!”

“Mates with Deer? Is that some tribal name you were given?”

Stratosphere began to grind her teeth together while steam blew from her ears, her temper starting to get the best of her. In another moment, however, her face lit up in understanding and she grinned. “Oh, you’re good.”

Mono grinned and replied with, “I know.” The two simply smiled at one another until shouts from their teams pulled them back to reality. The human and the pegasus each gave one another a final nod before jogging back to their teams.

\\||||////

Snails got struck out faster than than you can say “Snail's a pussy” and next up was Snips. God save us from this line up. I had left that to Cheerilee, and she had deemed that the worst players go first, without actually knowing that they were bad, of course.

And then Snips’ stubby-ass midget legs couldn’t kick the ball far enough, resulting in another out. I turned around and slammed my head into the bench. “This shit is brutal.”

“Mono! You’re up!”

“This shit is fantastic!” I thought, striding over to the plate and dropping my right foot squarely onto home plate. I then brought my leg up and slammed it back down again. That Stratosphere bitch was pitching, just as I was. “Gimme some sugar.”

She snorted once and chucked the ball with her wing, putting it on an express delivery route to me. Just too bad she chose two-day shipping…

My leg stretched back and instantaneously fired, the very tip of my shoe burying itself deep inside the squishy red walls of the ball. The classic ‘spwing’ sound of the kickball sounded and it shot off past the pitcher’s mound and far into left field, where it landed in the ‘sweet spot’ where none of those feathered pansies could get it in time.

The entire time it had been flying I was sprinting to first base, and by the time it landed I was half-way to second. The pegasi were fast, though, and their fucking wings made me haul-ass to the next base.

The ball was thrown violently, its launcher clearly intending to peg me with it. I dug my heels into the ground and thrust my butt out, barely dodging the red ball as it blasted past my stomach. I laughed all the way to second and saw that they were scrambling for the ball.

“THIRD OR BUST!” I shouted and took off once again with my sights on the final field base. I could hear the pegasi behind me preparing for a throw, and so I jumped and hit the ground sliding. I looked up and saw that I had touched the base just seconds before the ball had reached the pony at base.

“Safe!”

I leapt up and taunted the third-baseman immediately. “Safer than birth control, bro!” The colt gave me a confused look and I just rolled my eyes. “NEXT!”

\\||||////

At the seventh inning stretch, we were all feeling winded. Even me, surprisingly enough. Outs and runs, shouts and curses, and bad manners all around. It seemed that name-calling and being a general asswipe wouldn’t get you thrown out, which was just the perfect environment for me.

We now had ten minutes to eat, stretch, and take piss breaks, so naturally I went over to Stratosphere to shit talk her team. “Whaddup, skuzzy?”

“Is that even a word?”

“Fuck if I know, Tryndamere. Sounds offensive, though.” I checked out the score board: tied up at seventeen. “You know, if my retarded team beats your retarded team, they’ll absorb their power and only be complete fucking morons. They seriously need this so please fuck off.”

“Don’t walk over here on your two legs and tell me to fuck off. I’ll beat that cheeky smile off your face and grind it into the dirt with the worms. Filthy ground-kissing trash.”

“Pssh, whatever. Just enjoy all the smog that my factories are gonna be making once my business takes off. Talk shit about the ground when you can’t breathe, fuckface.” I flipped her the double birds and waved them around for added effect.

“What are you doing with your claws?”

“They’re not claws, they’re fingers… Oh for fuck’s sake! These bad boys are pointless in this universe!” I sheathed my weapons of mass offending and pouted. “You know you aren’t going to win, right? The second this pill wears off I’ll be back in the game. I’ll be so deep in the game that-“

“Shut up. I don’t want to hear what you have to say.”

I stared at the little cloud-huffer with wide eyes. “What? Whaddya mean you don’t wanna-“

“Shut the Tartarus up, monkey. I can feel my brain cells dying every second that you’re allowed to open your atrocious meat-eating mouth and I swear I will deck you in your furless face so hard you’ll be seeing upside down unless you stop talking right now.”

“Holy shit, that was a really good threat…” My instincts had to respect her for that sickass comeback and my tank was running on empty at this point. If I called her bluff and it turned out to be a real threat that she delivered on, we’d both be thrown out of the game and we’d lose. If I backed down in front of my team and theirs, I’d look like a total puss.

It should be pretty clear which option I stuck with.

“Deliver, you down-syndrome bir-“

thwock!

“Holy fuckin’ shit…” My vision swam as I held my nose, feeling a slight wetness beneath my fingers signifying the fact that my hands were quickly soaking in my own damn life juices. As the world came back into focus, so did that sucker punch’s owner, and I hissed out through my bloodied face some choice words. “Fowl’s for dinner, and it is about to be served.”

\\||||////

Sweetie Belle was busy talking with Twist and Snails when a shout sounded from across the field. The shout multiplied into many more, and soon it was all out chanting and cheering. Standing atop the benches, Sweetie Belle could make out a small area amidst a crowd where a clearing was made, and within it was dust and two flailing bodies.

Sweetie Belle hopped off of the bench and galloped to the scene, pushing herself to the forefront of the amassed fillies and colts. There, trapping Stratosphere within his arms, was Mono. The pegasus filly bit down on Mono’s hand, and Mono kicked her off. Fast as lightning, Stratosphere head butted Mono in the stomach, adding power to the strike by using her wings.

Mono stumbled a bit, gagged, and then ran directly at Stratosphere. She instantly tried to take flight, only to have her tail yanked down, coming eye level with Mono. A short jab to the face and a knee in the stomach brought her down, and their wrestling match resumed where Sweetie had first seen it.

Mono’s fingers were much tougher than Sweetie had thought, as he was using them to deliver rough blows and to latch on to Stratosphere to prevent her from flying. Mono may have weighed less than an earth pony or unicorn filly, but a pegasus filly was far too light to have its wings carry that much weight. As such, Stratosphere’s attempt to lift him off the ground was met with more effort than she expected, and Mono socked her in the jaw.

The two fell to the ground with Mono landing upon his face and Stratosphere upon her rump. She was the first up and delivered a hoof into Mono’s underbelly, sending the human sprawling across the dirt. When she went to strike again, Mono snarled and leapt at her, pulling her ears towards him and thrusting his head forward to land his own headbutt.

The filly’s eyes swirled about as Mono brought his fist back, and with a mighty punch, he delivered a haymaker directly between her eyes. Everypony began shouting, some cheering and some jeering. Mono raised his fist into the air with his thumb extended, and then collapsed onto the grass face first.

\\||||////

“Wake up, moron!”

A sharp pain alighted the side of my head and I groggily opened my eyes. “Ugh… what the hell?” I pushed myself up and looked to my right. Nothing but Ponyville homes and blue skies. “Wait…”

Something impacted the back of my head and I turned to the left and glared at the birdie bitch beside me. “You got us both ejected from the game, stupid.” Stratosphere had her hooves crossed and a deep frown etched into her face. She leaned back into her pillow on the hospital bed and sighed. “They’ll do fine without me.”

I stared at her, just wanting to vault over the bed’s guard rail and elbow drop her, but everything hurt. That was the first real pain that I had achieved from a pony source. If I had had my ability at the time she wouldn’t have been able to touch me, but it looked like I was a useless sack of crap without it. I sighed as well, dropping my head down onto the pillow and closing my eyes.

“Hey,” that feathery twat said from the other side of the room. I opened my eyes and glared at her. “Do you think we’ll be disqualified from competing?”

“Well screw me sideways,” I thought. I hadn’t planned that far ahead. Us having that brawl could have had some adverse effects on the advancement of our team. “I’ve got an idea. It’s a really ballsy, dumb, and honestly uncomfortable idea, but it’s all we’ve got.”

“What?” she asked, almost sounding afraid of the answer I was about to give. She should have been.

“We’re going to pretend to be friends.”

\\||||////

Nurse Redheart looked up from her desk situated in the hallway, hearing the sounds of rampant laughter echoing from down said hallway. The only two patients on this floor had reportedly knocked one another unconscious during the first game of the Harmonious Sports Championship. She says reportedly even though she witnessed it. Nothing serious, no concussions, not even any major bruising.

Nurse Redheart had found it strange how the two had taken essentially no great amount of damage from the pummeling that she saw the two mutually deliver upon one another. The mare signed off on another physical and stuck it inside a folder, getting up from her seat in the process to check on her patients. They hadn’t been out long, only six minutes, really.

Sticking her head into the room, the Nurse was relieved to see the two talking animatedly about their teams. She cleared her throat and the two kids looked up, their conversation interrupted. “Feeling better?” she asked them. Redheart heard the shuffle from outside the doorway and she frowned.

“Good. Then you’ll be ready for your punishment,” a mare said as she moved past Redheart and directly into the room. Her cold blue eyes and straight-cut purple mane instantaneously gave off the hard-ass feeling, and Mono could feel his hopes drop.

Stratosphere smiled and waved at the serious mare. “Hello! We were just apologizing to one another after the scuffle! We got carried away when we both said some things we didn’t really mean.” “Yeah I meant them,” she thought. The mare before the enemies’ beds, however, was unfazed. She cleared her throat and reached into a saddlebag slung along her back and pulled out a thick book.

“That’s all well and good that the two of you have made up, but you still broke a stringent rule of the Championship: no assaulting other players outside of a game environment.” She gave the two players a poignant glare, marking her statement with a forceful stare. The two kids glanced between each other and then looked back at her.

Mono threw his head back and groaned. “More money outta my own fuckin’ pockets.” Reaching into his jacket’s inside pocket, Mono withdrew a bag of bits and quirked an eyebrow. “Three-hundred bits sound fair enough to let us back into the game?”

“Three-hundred each.”

Mono narrowed his eyes and shoved his hands back into his pocket. “Fucking gold-digging piece-a shit…” His muttering continued, even as he yanked the second bag of bits out and tossed the six-hundred gold coins at the mare. “Take your gold and put us back in, dammit.”

The mare smiled and nodded. “Sure thing.”

\\||||////

“By some heavenly miracle our two star players are back in the game!”

Mono and Stratosphere made their way to the pitcher’s mound, waving and smiling at the ponies surrounding them. Mono took Stratosphere’s hoof in his hand, slowly shaking it. They kept up their smiles, even as they threatened each other.

“I’m gonna stomp your hollow-boned spine into the ground, acquaint you two properly.”

“I’m gonna toss you off a cliff and watch you plummet to your death.”

“I’m gonna put that ball so far up your ass you’ll be coughing up rubber.”

“I’m gonna make it rain ‘defeat’ all over you and your pathetic ground-humping team.”

“I’m gonna take a shit in a flower pot, let it stew for four days, piss in it, add some chunks of raw meat and garlic, sprinkle some asbestos in, and pump it down your throat with a bicycle pump.”

“…what in Tartarus is wrong with you?”

“Doctors tried to figure it out, they all committed suicide.”

The two turned away from each other and returned to their teams, already getting ready to pull out all the stops. Reaching into his jacket, Mono grabbed another pill and popped it, letting the quick feeling of anger surge through him and then fade away. “There’ll be plenty of that for Licks Those Spheres, or whatever her name is.”

Team Ponyville didn’t even bother bugging Mono with any questions, deciding to leave whatever had happened in the past and instead hop right to playing Cloudsdale like fools. Or fowls. Badum-tsh. Mono threw his coat to the benches and got in a huddle with his team. “Okay, first things first: fuck that bitch. Second order of business: we need to win now.” Mono scowled at the pegasi across the field. “Shut them down, and shut them down hard. They go for a base, you go for their wings. No wings means less speed, so take those cheap shots and clean them up. Break.”

\\||||////

Bottom of the ninth, our turn at the plate. I missed so much of this game because I bullshitted with that twat and fucked up. That was dumb, so I decided not to cause any more bullshit… unless I absolutely had to. Which… yeah I did. But back to this game, goddamit, I’m dragging this out long enough, and I’m a shitty story teller, I know. Fuck. Okay.

I was up first, and everybody cheered, blah blah blah, fuck ‘em. Slap A Deer pitched the ball, and holy shit it was comin’ fast. “If only I had my- NO! I DON’T NEED THAT SHIT!” I mentally shouted, and with a solid, air-shaking kick, I slammed it directly at second base, right past Sluts I Fear. The second baseman never stood a chance, and he got plastered into the field twenty feet behind the plate, his hooves grabbing it only after it hit the ground and dragged him along.

I took off and rounded first, grinning the whole way. The pegasi were having a tough time getting the ball out of the death-grip of the catatonic colt stuck in the ground, and I flipped them the bird as I passed second. I could see Sweetie frantically waving her hooves, and I stopped at third, only then did I look up and see Chug That Beer with the ball ready and cocked in her hooves.

“Fuck, that was way too close,” I straightened back up and grinned, not letting her see the bead of sweat that ran down my head. This game was way too friggin’ close, and I didn’t need her getting anymore confidence. She turned back to the plate and waited for her next victim, her eyes hungrily scanning for movement.

Applebloom walked out next, and I really had a bad feeling about her being up. I had an idea, but it was pretty risky. With the game being led by the pegasi twenty-three to twenty-two, shit was real tense and I did not want to get kicked out at first game. Fuck that noise. So I made some of my own.

“FEATHERED FUCKING HORSES, FALLING FROM THE SKY. JUMP INTO MY POT AND I’LL MAKE CHICKEN STIR FRY. I’M KINDA GETTING HUNGRY, SO IF YOU WOULDN’T MIND. GET INTO MY BELLY, SO I CAN SAY I DINED.”

\\||||////

“Is that legal?” Spike asked from the sidelines. Applejack leaned forward and grinned like a maniac.

“Ya better believe it Spike! Each of the teams can say whatever they like, so long as they don’t get physically into it!” She looked at the expression Spike wore. “Not that kinda into it, ya sick little lizard, you. What I’m sayin’ is that they can say all manner of nonsense to try and throw the other team off. Mono’s a perfect candidate for that, looks like.”

Rainbow Dash nearly shattered her teeth against each other as she heard Mono’s song continue.

\\||||////

“I’LL INCLUDE SOME NOODLES, AND SOME YUMMY FRIES. AND WHEN IT COMES TO THE COURSE, OH WHOOPS IT DIDN’T DIE. BEAT THE FEATHERED HORSE, BE SURE THAT IT’S NOT MOVING. NO CUTS, NO BUTS, NO COCONUTS AND NOTHING THAT IS OOZING.”

“AFTER THAT SPRINKLE SOME SPICES AND DUMP IN SOME BOOZE. ADD A COUPLE SHAVES OF MANGO, SET THE TIME TO SNOOZE. WAKE UP LITTLE FEATHERED HORSE AND TAKE IN SOME FRESH AIR. OH WAIT YOU CAN’T BECAUSE YOU’RE STILL ALIVE IN YOUR NIGHTMARE.”

Several of the pegasi on the field moved a bit farther away from Mono, preferring not to stay close to the monstrously-minded carnivorous alien with the now extremely noticeable and prominent canines. “Fucking hell yeah, it worked,” Mono gave a nod to Applebloom, who stepped up to the plate and got prepped.

Stratosphere wound up, pulled back, and let the ball loose, cracking against Applebloom’s leg and sending her flipping ass over tea kettle onto home plate. Picking her glass jaw off of the dusty plate, Applebloom stumbled back towards the benches, but not before slipping on a banana peel and smacking her muzzle into a bench with the force of a sick, riff-driven, death metal headbang.

“Somepony out there hates that filly,” an onlooker mumbled to her friend. With the comedy act out of the way, Scootaloo made her way to the plate after giving her friend a gentle pat on the shoulder. Taking her place at home plate, Scootaloo failed to notice that her gentle pat had offset Applebloom’s balance and led her to crash head first into the bench… again.

The pegasus filly on the pitcher’s mound narrowed her eyes at the other pegasus at home plate. All the while, Mono flailed his arms around at third base, screaming “asshole” repeatedly, making it difficult for Stratosphere to focus on the task at hoof.

“ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE !!!”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU FAUST-DAMN MONKEY!”

Mono’s hands shot up in the air and he began to shout at the refs. “PENALTY FOR RACISM!”

“What? EAT A COCK! THAT’S NOT FAIR!”

“RACIST!”

“I’M NOT RACIST!”

“RACIST AND IN DENIAL~ SUICIDAL~ DON’T YOU KNOW THAT IT’S OVER~”

“WHY ARE YOU SINGING ABOUT SUICIDE? THIS GAME ISN’T OVER EITHER! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?”

“ASSHOLE!”

Somewhere, in a piece of reality not yet finished being created, a being above all other Gods and Eldritch Dominions sneezed in the general path of a passing reality, blasting a highly concentrated amount of disdain and anger into it. This mass of invisible hate-snot found its way into the most infuriated being on the planet of Terran: Stratosphere.

“WOULD YOU PLEASE. JUST SHUT. THE FUCK. UP?” The rubber ball exploded in Stratosphere’s hooves, collapsing from the pressure she had just forced upon it. Mono glanced at the shreds of kickball in her hooves and then stared her dead in the face, his expression passive.

“You broke the ball, asshole.”

\\||||////

“Wuh-?”

“You feelin’ alright, Strat?” a pegasus colt had a concerned look on his face as he stared into the filly’s eyes. “You shook for a couple seconds and the passed out. And then that weird monkey thing took off for home, but the refs told him that he had to go back.”

The colt rubbed the back of his neck with a hoof awkwardly, looking out onto the field. “Then he got in an argument with the refs, saying that it wasn’t his problem if his ‘overwhelming sexiness’ had caused you to faint.”

Stratosphere uppercut the colt and picked herself up, her hoof shaking uncontrollably. Her gaze scanned the field for Mono, and picked him out picking his own nose. “I picked him out picking, gross.” She got back up, set on her ball cap, and grit her teeth. “He needs to be stopped. Permanently.”

Mono had interrupted the game more times than anypony had even thought possible. Brawls, arguments, rage-induced exhaustion. You fuckin’ name it, he had done it so far. In game one. Everypony could see the stress that the refs were under, not to mention Twilight Sparkle’s shame at having Mono basically represent Ponyville, not because he was elected but because he was the most boisterous bastard on the team.

Celestia and Luna were getting a kick out of it, though, so that was a definite plus, even if Twilight didn’t think so. Some Ponyville residents were concerned with Mono’s behavior and extreme racism, not to mention his disgusting comments based around killing, cooking, and serving a pegasus as a meal. However, he seemed to be getting results and leading the other team by the nose as far as distraction went, so fuck it, right?

Stratosphere stomped back onto the field, her hoof outstretched for another ball. A red blur shot into her hoof and she lined the pitch up with home plate. Letting loose the shot, it was kicked flawlessly by Scootaloo, blasting past Stratosphere and bouncing between second and third. Mono took off for home, his legs pumping as hard as they could. Scootaloo, for the most part, was ignored in favor of Mono.

The ball was swiftly returned to Stratosphere, who spun about one hundred and eighty degrees and threw as hard as she was able, flexing her wings for that added momentum as she ended her spin, her hooves digging into the dirt. The crowd watched the ball as it made its way to the plate in less than a moment, leaving a crimson contrail behind like some sort of ballistic rubber missile.

Mono’s grinning face was overtaken by red, swallowing up the left side of his head and knocking his feet off the ground. He never made it to home plate. He did, however, make it into the stands, where he collided with a stallion and his hot, salty nuts. The stallion shouted in dismay over his salty nuts being destroyed, as did the crowd. Now they had to eat circus peanuts instead.

And those things are fucking disgusting.

Cheerilee’s jaw unhinged, as did most of Ponyville’s. At the exact same time, fans of Cloudsdale jumped and hollered in joy. Ponyville’s monster of the mach, demon of deviousness, and asswipe of acceleration had just been swiftly and violently been removed from the equation.

Celestia and Luna craned their heads down to look at Mono’s form, buried in wooden slats and twitching erratically. Luna snickered first, then Celestia, and pretty soon the two of them were cackling at the human’s well-deserved ass-kicking. Tears streamed down the Princesses’ faces, and as they struggled to compose themselves, Cheerilee and Sweetie Belle huddled with the rest of the team as they talked to Featherweight.

“Featherweight. Listen to me. Don’t worry about winning or losing, don’t worry about kicking the ball. Just go up to that plate, ignore Mono’s groans of pain, and kick as hard as you can when the red gets to your hoof.” Sweetie Belle’s talk did little to calm the nerves of the scraggly pegasus. Cheerilee admired her efforts though.

Scootaloo saw him walk out to home plate and smacked her hoof over her eyes. “Game over,” she mumbled. The pegasus colt slowly approached the plate, glancing nervously about the crowds above and around him. The skittish colt took his place and scuffed the plate with a single hoof. Grinning, Stratosphere balanced on her hind legs, narrowed her eyes at the colt, and flung the ball.

Featherweight couldn’t react in time as it rocketed past him, making that the first strike. He jumped a bit, then heard the pegasi laughing at him. His own race, mocking him in what was supposed to be a friendly game supporting friendship and harmony. He heard a gurgle and some groaning, but remembered Sweetie’s advice and ignored it.

The ball came again, faster this time, and he missed it again. He was getting frustrated, and it was evident on his face. Stratosphere leaned slightly to second plate and said something to Scootaloo, getting her all flustered and glaring angrily at the colt. Featherweight now had a deep burning hatred for this filly with the red ball. Mono was getting louder now.

She returned her gaze to Featherweight and let loose with a ball just as fast as the last. Featherweight swung his hoof forward with all his might, knocking it as a foul ball to the right. Stratosphere’s face soured as the ball returned to her, and she glared at Featherweight. Featherweight glared back, a new burning desire to crush his foe rising in his small chest.

Out of the corner of his eye, Featherweight saw Mono drag himself out of the destruction and give a lopsided grin. With a thumbs-up and a determined fire in his one good eye, Mono passed the torch of Badass Motherfuckerery to Featherweight. The colt’s head turned back to Stratosphere, and a grin met Stratosphere’s own glare. She snorted once, wound up her pitch, and threw it as hard as she was able to.

Featherweight’s hoof shot out, blurring across the plate before connecting with the kickball. A deafening explosion elicited a jump from the crowd, and Featherweight took off in a full gallop before even Scootaloo or any of the basecolts could react. By the time Scootaloo was at third, he was touching second, and by the time she reached home, he was halfway behind her.

She slid to a stop, and chanced a look behind her, leading her own lips to smack directly into Featherweight’s as he collided bodily with her. The two fell over, with Featherweight above Scootaloo. She stared up in a daze, and Featherweight panted with the rush of adrenaline. “I love you,” he said, and kissed her full on the mouth.

Then with a cry, his left forehoof fractured, and he completely fell down on top of her. A roar from the stands elicited, and the denizens of Ponyville swarmed the two and lifted them up, singing their praise. Stratosphere stared at the scene, dumbfounded, and Mono limped over to her slowly. The human didn’t bother seeking out medical attention or any help.

“Hey,” he said.

She blinked and glared at him. “Come to gloat?”

“Good game. And nice peg by the way,” he responded, his arm out for a shake. She accepted the offering, shooting him a wayward eyebrow in confusion.

“Thanks?”

“If you weren’t a pony, or underage, I would probably ask you out.”

“Uh…”

“Well, later,” he said. He then turned around, limped a few feet, and collapsed on the grass. Stratosphere stared at his limp body, glanced around a few times, and slowly ascended into the sky with the rest of her team.

Celestia stood from her seat and smiled serenely. “Game One of the Harmonious Sports Championship goes to Ponyville!”

“SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA!”

Author's Note

FUCK MY ASSHOLE THIS TOOK FOREVER, AM I RIGHT?

So, I had originally wanted to release this ARC all at once, but I decided instead that since it's an actual ARC, and not a short interlude section, I should take my time instead of trying to force it. Upcoming chapters will be released in time, but for now I give you this. I can promise that there will be more action, but I just wanted to show how seriously (or not, in some aspects) the ponies take the HSC.

Next Game: Trottingham vs Ponyville
Next Chapter: Mono has a headache, he overreacts.

An Eldritch Persuasion

Celestia and Luna sat in their lounge together, sipping tea as they chatted about various political matters and the weather. Serene smiles alighted upon their faces when the topic of Mono’s bodily destruction came up. They laughed and joked about his misfortune, continuing to tend to their tea.

“He’s distracted, so there’s no way that he’ll be aware of us meeting right now. I’m sorry I can’t help directly, but the three of them… they’re far too powerful. He hasn’t even reached Eater status and he’s still got so much influence. I’ve had to lay low, keep my head down. He’s looking for me, hunting me. I’m prey.”

“Discord, he’s losing his grasp, he isn’t nearly as influential as he was prior.”

“Sister, it may be best to heed the draconequus’ warning, we were given a glimpse of what his kind are capable of. Nothing of this plane can handle the threat if he should ascend in power any further. And if more of his kin should congregate here, then we are well and truly doomed.”

“Luna, everything that’s happening is fine so far, there isn’t any need to prepare for an attack. The situation is not escalating in the slightest. Nothing needs to be done!”

“Well, Celly, about that…”

“What did you do?”

“I’ve recruited some help. Some very old, very powerful, very cosmic help. These beings have a vested interest in our opponent and seek a way to snuff out even a single one of his kind. Now, before you panic, they aren’t like their more… maddening siblings, nor their vastly domineering family either. They’ve broken from that path. They’ve discovered compassion.”

“You’ve appealed to them? They care not for whatever happens to the cosmos! They spit upon Gods and mortals alike! Most of them devour solar systems for simply existing. If your ‘help’–so called–should turn against us, what then?”

“Calm yourself, Celestia, perhaps you should meet them first, before you jump to conclusions.”

“I will not! Their mere presence rots the minds of mortals and twists the fabric of space and time. I cannot condone beasts of the Black Stars and Infinite Rifts to know of this world or any world near us. It is certain doom for all life.”

“So it is either doom by a member of the most powerful species in any existence with the limitless power of Creation on his side or doom by Dark Beings that consume the stars. We’re doomed either way, it’s just that one option doesn’t have the ability to recreate our world infinitely in whatever way he sees fit. Destroyed and reconstructed and tortured and destroyed again and again, for all of eternity. Is that what you’d prefer?”

“I…”

“Well, it doesn’t matter because now either one is a very real possibility. We keep the two heavy hitters–that I brought in–happy, and we just might be able to stand a chance against that monster’s Imagination.”

“You keep saying things that are going completely over my head; what do you two mean? It’s like you two have been conspiring without… me… By Faust! That’s how he’s been doing it! He’s using me! He expects me to be the one strategizing and giving orders!”

Discord nodded solemnly, then grew a look of shock and realized that he was being watched. He ripped open a piece of reality and jumped through, leaving Celestia and Luna behind.

I gave chase.

Author's Note

Run.

Run.

Don't stop.

Or I'll get you.

[ARC II] Chapter 30- He Set Us Up the Bomb

"Cyka blyat." –Russians on CS:GO

Let it be known that the Cutie Mark Crusaders will follow any direction to a tee if said directions may lead to a Cutie Mark. This is the entire confession of how I managed to convince– and dupe– the Cutie Mark Crusaders into obtaining off-limits chemicals, mixing them into an explosive, and planting the aforementioned explosive onto Lyra Heartstring’s person.

The same explosive that caused nine-thousand bits worth of property damage, put Lyra Heartstrings into the ICU, injured seven others, and singed Twilight Sparkle’s mane. So, nothing really new, just some more illegal shit that couldn’t be pinned on me. Though, now that time has been kind to me in my old(ish) age, I feel I can freely talk about the events that led to the absolute clusterfuck that became of the Spotted Lupus.

It all started when Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle returned to my room with not one name, but the entire list of every pony that had been in the hospital since I had been admitted. As it turned out, quite a few. Probably because of all the righteous ass-kicking at the first game. Hella.

“So, you brought me the entire goddamn list instead of doing what I asked you? I said when I was admitted and before this morning! It was so simple! How could you fuck that up?” I honestly didn’t understand, what could have possibly happened to-

Oh wait, I had been talking directly to Scootaloo, Sweetie had never been a part of that conversation. Scoots probably had ADD, and what happened had happened. So, I instead shut up and looked through the list. “Sweetie, when was I admitted?”

Sweetie Belle brightened up after the mild scolding and replied, “Seven thirty-three P.M.”

“…I was admitted almost three hours after suffering through serious bodily injury and possible brain trauma?”

“Well, Princess Twilight said she’d seen ya recover from worse, and faster too. So we all left ya propped up against Twilight’s couch for a while. When yer head kept slumpin’ to the side after Pinkie pushed it up a bunch, we figured it was time to get ya fixed up.”

Applebloom’s explanation slowly filtered through my head, feeding into the series of complex reasoning systems and logic algorithms that caused me to throw my IV stand hard enough to pin Applebloom to the wall by her bow.

I proceeded to have an aneurysm while Nurse Redheart struggled to hold me down against my inane will.

\|||///

When I woke back up, covered in spittle and blood from Redheart’s broken nose, I immediately chewed out the Crusaders for their foolishness. Though I did come to the conclusion that it was probably their siblings and their friends getting back at me. Fuckers.

Instead, I began to flip through the registry, and one name caught my eye immediately. “Heartfelt Lyre. Are you fucking shitting me?” That was probably the most basic bullshitting anyone could have possibly ever done in the history of lying and bullshitting. Christ almighty.

“There’s nopony in town named Heartfelt Lyre,” commented Applebloom. I leveled my no fuckin’ shit stare at her and rolled my eyes. “Who would use a fake name like that? And fer what?”

I threw the papers at her, to little effect, unfortunately. “To poison me. Also, it’s obviously Lyra Heartstrings, the friggin’ cunt. She’s probably still pissed at me for what happened in Canterlot.”

“That epic bio-missile punch?” said Scootaloo.

“Yup. And it was so dope she actually got jealous and is now trying to off me and assume the move herself.”

Sweetie Belle tilted her head in confusion. “I think she just hates you, Mono.”

“I know, it’s just that my version sounds cooler and would actually make this seem like less of a couple of idiots feuding and more of an epic showdown between two powerful superbeings. But, I suppose that you kids are more perceptive and I am more prone to run-on sentences than I thought.” I grabbed a pencil from the nightstand drawer next to my bed and held my hand out toward Applebloom. “Appledoof, gimme papers.”

She hoofed them over, and I began scribbling down ingredients for a little life-threatening payback. Meet force with force and all that. If I wanted to really fuck her over, I could mix in some bleach and drano, but I didn’t know if ponies had even invented bleach yet.

“Alright, so I’ve got a plan,” I told the three young fillies.

“What is it?”

I grew a twisted grin. “We’re gonna give Lyra ‘The Works’.”

\|||///

“We need somethin’ called ‘Sodium Hydroxide…” Applebloom quirked an eyebrow at some of the words. Because Mono’s language was impossible to decipher, he had to spell it out for Sweetie Belle to write. “This sounds pretty science-ey”

“Mad science-ey,” said Scootaloo. She had climbed the shelves to search for Aluminum Foil in the janitor’s closet. Having found it, she had returned to Sweetie Belle and Applebloom ready to return to Mono.

“Girls, I don’t like the way he smiled when he finished explaining what we needed. He didn’t tell us what we needed this for, and he and Lyra really don’t like each other. For all we know he could be giving us this list so that we can seriously hurt-“

“Found it!” Cried Applebloom. “Though I don’t know what he’s gonna do with Iron Will’s Super Cleaning Solution…”

“Maybe it’s symbolic of washing away Lyra and his differences and starting over. Maybe he’s using the foil like some kind of mirror so that they can see their true faces? Is it maybe some deep representational gesture that only a human would come up with?” Sweetie Bell looked to her friends for speculation.

They all agreed that must be it, and so they returned to Mono.

\|||///

‘Iron Will’s Super Cleaning Solution’? “Alright, I guess this’ll do for what I’ve got in mind. Gimme that sports bottle, Scootaloo.” She tossed it to me, and I poured a good amount of the solution into the top of the bottle, filling the container a quarter of the way. I capped it quickly, not wanting any of the dangerous fumes getting into the room.

I had Applebloom at the door to warn us if Redheart was coming, and so far she had said nothing. I looked at Scootaloo, holding the bottle carefully. “Now, Scootaloo, listen to me very closely. This is very important. I’m really not screwing around when I say that this is a dangerous mission.”

That got her attention, and she smiled with confidence. “Sounds cool.”

“Yeah, think of yourself as a secret agent. Now, listen to me. I’m really serious right now when I say that you will have to throw this,” I held up a large, crumpled fist of aluminum foil, “inside the bottle and quickly give it to Lyra. You do not put the foil in until you’ve found her, then you have only a little bit of time to give her the bottle.”

Sweetie must have noticed that I hadn’t swore at all, and I shot her a deadly serious look. “Mono, if this thing is so dangerous, should we really be giving it to Lyra?” Ah crap.

“Us humans, generally, believe in the concept of justice. Do you know what justice is?”

Sweetie Belle nodded. “Yes, but it doesn’t usually mean hurting someone else to achieve it.”

“Well, that may be how your sister and her friends manage all of their enemies, but trust me when I say that they’re chumps. Maybe not in terms of power, but in terms of savagery and ruthlessness, I’ve seen worse in people my age.” I kept eye contact with the little filly. “Lyra is like one of those enemies to me: ruthless and savage. She tried to kill me, I’m going to show her a little bit of retaliation.”

My attention swiveled to Scootaloo jumping around humming action music. I really hoped that she would follow my directions to the letter. I didn’t particularly like the kid, but seeing her hurt would fuckin’ suck. A lot. How would Featherweight get that puss if it was plastered to the cobblestone road?

…

Well, thoughts of young ponies getting their freak on and maybe exploding aside, I really hoped that I hadn’t put too much of the cleaner in the bottle. I wanted to scare the shit out of Lyra, maybe give her a nasty bruise. I didn’t want pre-meditated murder on my already-long list of grievances against Equestria.

“Well, maybe we could at least do this right. Could we put the bottle in a box so that it’s not so suspicious?”

Thank you Sweetie Belle.

\|||///

The screams were worrisome. The huge amount of activity in the hospital was concerning. Twilight Sparkle teleporting above my bed and slamming her hooves on either side of me was alarming.

“‘Sup, Sparkleass,” I said, smooth as the fuckin’ Fonz himself. Inside of my gut, though, was the swirling miasma and sinking abyss of extreme apprehension. I was fuckin’ scared, alright? Even if she couldn’t use magic on me, she was still four times heavier than I was– easy. “What’s going on outside?”

“What did you get Scootaloo to do? Why did you do it?” She was cold, angry, and those teeth looked incredibly solid this close. My face refused to betray my emotions, and my heart was equally steady. The fear was purely in knowing what would become of me if I failed to navigate the upcoming rhetorical minefield.

“The fuck are you talking about, shitlord? I’ve been here in bed like some kinda paraplegic fuckin’ retard sipping lunch through a straw.”

“You’re not that injured.”

“No, I’m not. But my feelings are.”

She wanted to hit me so badly. It was kinda cute.

Then she smirked.

“Fuuuuuuck me…”

“Applejack, will you come in here for a minute?” Twilight hopped off of my bed, standing to its left with that smug, shit-eating expression.

A furious, two-hundred pound powerhouse of tree-shaking terror stomped into my room and came snout to nose with me. Her green eyes stared through my corneas into my occipital lobe and started causing migraines for me. Shit was that intense.

“Mono, why did you plant an explosive on a pony while endangering the lives of innocent bystanders and children?” Twilight asked me.

Even with a living lie-detector on their side, I was gonna push my luck. It’s worked this far, right? “I didn’t give anyone anything that made that explosion!” I glanced at Applejack, who looked lost for a minute in my statement.

“You are a liar, Mono! We caught you red-handed! I can’t belie-“ Applejack shoved a hoof into Twilight’s mouth as she stared at me. Applejack then looked over at Twilight and shook her head.

“He ain’t lyin’.”

“He isn’t?”

“I ain’t?”

Applejack glared at me.

“Sorry, got caught up in the illiteracy of the moment.”

Then she punched me into my bed so hard it folded in half.

\|||///

“Sorry, Twi, Ah didn’t mean to hit ‘im so hard…” Applejack looked remorsefully at the little bundle of cloth currently being pulled apart by nurses. Mono was in all of that fluff… somewhere. Alive, hopefully.

Maybe.

Twilight Sparkle sighed and turned to Applejack, giving a tired smile. “I know,” she began, “but he did deserve it. Everything he’s said and done, somepony needed to put him in his place.” The Princess paused as she looked over the nurses tugging a stubby hairless leg out of the imploded bedding. “I just didn’t think that place would be inside of a hospital bed.”

“Ah just, I dunno, snapped. Like Ah wasn’t in control of me for a second. Just thinking that he coulda put Applebloom and the girls in danger made me angry. Really really angry. And when he insulted mah kin again…” Applejack had a solemn look on her face. “Ah couldn’t stop myself.”

Twilight Sparkle knew her friend to be one of the most level-headed–if a bit stubborn–ponies she had ever known. For her to just snap like that was concerning, but she kept that thought to herself. Twilight hadn’t heard from Fancy Pants and Fleur for a while, and the Princesses had been taking care of… something for a while now.

In fact, Celestia and Luna seemed to spend a lot of time away from the public eye lately. Discord had also been keeping away for quite a while, something that Twilight almost immediately regretted thinking. When nothing happened, Twilight refused to sigh in relief. That would only invite him.

Was it possible that Celestia and Luna had been spending more time with Discord? Cadence had once mentioned that Celestia and Discord could be an item, but her love magic was far too weak to give them that extra push. Maybe Luna was showing interest and pushed her sister to confess as well?

Were they–

“NO!”

Twilight’s vision went blurry and she heard glass shatter, yet the image persisted in her mind’s eye for another few seconds. Shaking her head roughly, she continued to chant “no, no, no” until she had completely sealed the awkward coital image deep within her psyche, never to be touched upon again. It was one of the few embarrassing thoughts she would take to her grave. Another memory that would join that one would be walking in on her BBBFF jerking it in the bathroom.

The alicorn looked around at the devastation, but was surprised to only find Penchant stuck in a medicine cabinet ass-first, drenched in coffee with one of the cups hanging off his ear. “If you didn’t want any, all you had to say was ‘no’,” he said, and then tried to wiggle out. It failed. “Pull me out, AJ?”

The earth pony did, and Penchant immediately yipped and turned his head to his flank, reaching back and biting down on a small shard of glass with his teeth. He pulled it out and spat it onto the floor. “Ow. So, any leads? Questioning Mono go down well?” The blue pegasus glanced to his right. “Guess not.”

\|||///

Lyra Heartstrings blinked her eyes and slowly roused from her magically-induced coma. Instead of blinding light compounded by white walls and sterile air, she found dark walls and rusty bars. The mare pulled herself up from the cot she currently was resting on, blinking the grogginess out of her eyes. “Lyra Heartstrings,” said a voice from beyond the bars.

The unicorn gave a muffled acknowledgment and focused her eyes on a local guard. “Your sentence in Ponyville’s first precinct began eight minutes ago. You are hereby sentenced to three months in confinement, charged with possession of a lethal weapon.” Lyra seized up.

“But, officer, I… It was Mono! He planted that explosive on me!”

“Additionally, after your three month sentence here in Ponyville, you will be transferred to Canterlot to serve your two year sentence for attempted murder.”

“But my trial! What about my rights!”

“They’ve been overruled,” said the guard with a dark smile. His eyes shone with a golden light arcing through his brown irises before he left the stunned mare behind. Have a great stay, ma’am. The stallion with the disembodied voice and impossibly beautiful eyes then crumpled to the stone floor as his normal eyes returned to him in his slumber.

[ARC II] Chapter 31- Spendthriftin'

"Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money." –Unknown

“Out of the hospital, biiiiiiitch!”

“Crashin’ at Penchant’s pad, biiiiiiitch!”

“Ponyville is kicking ass, biiiiiiitch!”

The mare that was staring at me from across the counter didn’t respond to any of my uses of the word ‘bitch’. Smart girl. Or maybe stunned. Fuck it, I don’t care. I dropped an excess of bits onto the counter and took my coffee. The Trottingham players had just arrived today, and I needed every bit of alertness today just to fuck with them.

I got up nice and early, snatched that worm, seized the day, carpe’d that motherfucking diem and the whole nine fuckin’ yards. I felt completely unstoppable–getting out of the hospital after being demolished twice in a row would do that–and ready to fuck.

And by fuck I meant get up to some fuckery with these cockney-ass Wizarding World bitches. I had never really bothered to read up on the complete history of every town in Equestria, or city rather, but it didn’t mean I couldn’t make shit up on the spot. The kids in the Ponyville class would probably believe it too.

“G’mornin’!” And there was one of those crooked-toothed chimney sweeps now! He was a colt, a dull reddish-brown with a tousled orange mane and an inch or two on the other kids around him. That nigga was taller than I was! Well, that’s fuckin’ embarassing, I remember thinking.

Actually, you know what, fuck tenses, who gives a shit, right? And punctuation. Grammar to. Aw fuck, that’s too much. Much better. Anyway, I was shorter than this guy, but screw that snot-nosed shithouse, I was gonna talk shit.

“For fuck’s sake, what’s that god-awful smell?! It stinks like rotten teeth, soot, and pompous douche-bags!” I yelled as loudly as possible, trying to obnoxiously make my voice bounce off as many solid objects as possible. “That and sub-par cuisine, actually… oh, hey! There you are! Good ‘ay guv’nah!”

The colt and his posse flattened their ears to their heads, their polite sensibilities keeping them from exacting justice upon my vile mockery of their language. NOBODY says ‘guv’nah’, at least not while paired with saying ‘good day’ like a fucking downie. I just couldn’t wait for their reaction, and so I stood there and grinned at their shell-shocked faces.

“Who’s this monkey-lookin’ spiff spoutin’ gibberish? You wanna banana lil’ guy?”

My glare came in full-force, evaporating all the moisture in my face instantaneously. All I wanted at this point was a glass of water, and then to smash the emptied glass into this fuck-stain’s face. One of those fuckers–a brown colt with a cerulean mane–grinned at me like he had just won the lottery with my birthday numbers.

“Oh my, looks like he’s a mite rustled, eh boys?” Then that fuck laughed. “Mite! I do crack myself up sometimes! So you’re the scrawny little shite that’s going to be leadin’ your team to the win? Ha! Only thing you could lead ‘em to is the jungle, ya mangy chimp!”

I opened my mouth to rebuke him, but somehow, that reddish-brown fuck-stick beat me.

“Now now, Crump, let’s not be too harsh on the monkey, he’s prob’ly missin’ his mum and da somethin’ awful, right? Any o’ you blokes got a wastebin and some cloth? We could set ‘im up a comfy surrogate mum and make ‘er smell like mangos and the forest!” Then he looked at me. “Would that make ya feel better?”

I was irate, insensate, insane with rage. My body shook so violently that I was melting the cobblestone beneath my feet and heating the air around me enough to cause visual distortion. However, striking an opposing team member before the game had even begun would cause me to be disqualified, and that would probably mean I’d have to do this again another year.

I thought I had gotten polite, posh pricks, but instead I got cockney cock-biters. This Championship was going to be my downfall. First I get demolished by a filly and put in the hospital, now I was getting shit-talked by some filthy, poverty-ridden, flea-bitten ponies? There wasn’t anything for me there, so I turned and walked away.

The jeering pissed me off enough to toss a brick at super-sonic speeds over their heads. The deafening sound-wave shut them up.

Fuckers.

In the meantime, I had gotten a few progress letters from Ditzy or Derpy or whatever the fuck you call her. The first was from Flim and Flam. Expressing their gratitude and how I’m infinitely kind and yadda yadda who gives a shit? I hired those fuckers because they’re the only two equines in this country that have even sneezed toward an industrial revolution. This wasn’t out of the kindness of my heart, after all.

The other letter was… dense. Sure, I’m pretty smart, a bit above average. Math wasn’t really my strong suite, however, and thus the letter from Fancy Pants had gone way over my head. All the way into the trash. Thankfully he had used plus marks and green ink to indicate rising stock, but not much else. Apparently some investors had become intrigued at the idea of my pens. All I needed now was a marketing campaign.

I’d get to it.

The last was from both Fleur and Quick; all about working wages and expenses for shipping and handling. Profits and expenditures, once again not my field. Though, thank the good heavenly fucking Lord, Quick had some notes on how to market to ponies. They were all bullshit pussyfoot tactics. I was going for gold, why bother with bronze and silver?

We would start hiring within the week, and pens would begin sale three weeks from today. “If today is June fifteenth… or is it May? Where the fuck is that calendar?!” I stomped angrily. I couldn’t even keep a date straight in my head. Christ. We would start making bank soon.

I realized then that I actually had no clue what month it actually was. I had been ripped from my planet sometime during the school year, but here it was nearly summertime. Fucking dimension-lag. Besides, I had more important things to do than keep the date down in my brain. Like figure out how to properly fuck with those knobheads.

They clearly knew their way around an insult or two and, unfortunately, assault was out of the question. If not for the fact that it would cost us the Championship, then because it was technically illegal. Regardless, I needed to get one up on those tea-sipping sons of bitches.

The problem was that they always got a word in before even I had a chance. “Holy shit. That’s fucking it!” My idea wasn’t really my usual style, but in this case it may be better not to say a word at all. “Hella.”

\|||///

“So who is going to be goalie?” Sweetie asked her gathered teammates. Everypony looked around at one another, and then a pink hoof raised itself into the air. Diamond Tiara, with a determined look on her face, then lowered her hoof.

“I’ll do it. Nopony is going to score on us.”

Sweetie nodded. She hadn’t expected that, but then again Diamond had lost her Cutie Mark and gained a new outlook on life. She was also very very eager to please the Cutie Mark Crusaders. To a frightening degree, actually.

“Diamond! More ice!” Scootaloo’s demand was immediately met by a hoofful of ice cubes dropped delicately in her drink. Lifting her shades from her face, Scootaloo peered into her glass and hummed approvingly. “Good job.”

Diamond Tiara nodded happily and went back to serving drinks to the rest of the team.

“Hey, uh, don’t you think it’s a little… cramped?” Featherweight’s voice piped up from beside Scootaloo, whom he was pressed against tightly with a blush on his face. For some inane reason, Scootaloo had insisted that the entirety of the team meet up at the Crusader Clubhouse. As such, there were colts and fillies stuffed wall-to-wall inside, and Scootaloo had just happened to wind up squished right up next to the colt that had brought the team victory in the first game.

Scootaloo then blushed in turn. “What are you complaining about? There’s plenty of room!” To prove her point she gestured with her hoof holding her drink, and only wound up smashing the glass against Applebloom’s head. “Oh.”

As the lemonade dripped from Applebloom’s muzzle, the door to the clubhouse was wrenched open, presenting Mono to the gathered foals. “Whaddup losers? Those buck-toothed bastards just got into town, and I’ll be fucked in the ass if we don’t beat them senseless in this soccer game!” His grin faded as a wall of fluffy pony bodies surged toward him. He easily sidestepped the wave and watched as they all blasted by him, screaming in terror.

With a deft movement, Mono plucked Sweetie Belle from the flood and tossed her onto the floor beside him. “So, what have you got for me so far?” he asked of the little unicorn.

Sweetie Belle blinked, shook her head, and began to list off positions to Mono. “Archer is center-back–“

“No, she’s aggressive, make her the right forward on account of her wings. While you’re at it, bench featherweight for this one and put Snips as a central mid-fielder. Snails is mentally retarded, so get him at left-forward. He’ll confuse the enemy and left-midfield will take care of the rest. Who’s goalie?”

“Diamond Tiara.”

“Absolutely not. Applebloom is goalie. Flying objects that cause severe injury are destined to hit her.” At Sweetie’s blank look, Mono rolled his eyes. “The ball will never miss her big, fat head. If the ball never misses her big, fat head, then it will never go into the goal.”

“All thanks to Applebloom’s big, fat head.”

“Excellent, Sweetie, now you’re getting it. See, this is why I like you: you’re smart. Keep that up and you’ll leave your sister in the dust.” Yes, Mono did know how much dirt meant to Rarity, and thus he meant that statement both literally and figuratively. The small human continued to correct the foals’ previous positions, organizing them to provide maximum effect.

“Hey, Mono, when is everypony going to get their pools?”

In that moment, thanks to Scootaloo’s offhand comment, Mono was struck with vicious inspiration.

\|||///

It was quiet in the Ponyville Postal Service Center. With the Championship going on, not many ponies were sending mail, so it came as a surprise to the only pony behind the counter that the doors slammed open, shattering the glass within their frames as they crashed against the wall. A blur of black rushed to the counter and slammed a letter before the pony.

“Send this letter faster than physics normally allows you to. I’m talking some beyond-the-veil bending-of-space-and-time shit, fucker.” The tiny human then threw a pony eye-sized diamond into the mailpony’s chest. “Rush. Fucking. Order.”

\|||///

“Oh,” Fleur exclaimed daintily. The exhausted mailpony, drenched in sweat, lay collapsed on the threshold of the doorway. Saying a quick thanks and slipping the mailpony twenty bits, Fleur moved further inside her home to bring Mono’s message to Fancy Pants.

“Dear,” she said, “we’ve gotten a letter from Mono. I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve already read it.” Her entrance made the dapper stallion smile, and he rose from his pillow seat.

“I don’t mind in the slightest, my love. Now, what did the letter read, if I may ask?”

“Lend me a bunch of fucking money so that I can build an asinine number of pools to make these dirty Trottingham cunts jealous like the homeless sons of bitches they are. Also, do you wanna go out for lunch tomorrow? There’s this little place in Canterlot’s less wealthy sector and we should totally get some bomb-ass meat platters. I need that shitload of gold ASAP by the way, like, fucking yesterday. Thanks.”

“I assume he forced somepony to write it for him?”

“Yes, I do.”

Neither Fleur nor Fancy made any mention of Fleur’s aggressive use of Mono’s colorful language. Though she would never admit it to Fancy, Fleur did indeed enjoy swearing up a storm. Fuck yeah.

“Well, let us place a delivery for Mono Nucleosis. Rush order.”

\|||///

The Trottingham players spent their time honing their hoofball skills, dribbling and striking against one another to improve their playstyle, as they did this, a commotion from within the town proper began to flare up. Some sort of celebration, cheers and everything.

“Don’t you blokes think it’s a little early for ‘em to be celebratin’ anything?” asked one of the players. “There’s still a week to go before the game starts, after all.” This point aroused the suspicion of Crump, the team’s leader, and so in his curiosity he gathered his mates and moved inwards to town.

The sounds of cheering were growing ever louder, and as they entered town square, it was obvious why. Hordes of construction ponies with multitudes of equipment and materials went every which way, pairing up with various ponies. On the stage stood the little monkey, grinning and laughing.

“Pools! Just as I promised you fuckers, POOLS!” He then reached into his jacket and threw a shower of bits over the crowd. “LOOK AT HOW WEALTHY WE ALL ARE! YAY!” Mono was met with a cheer from the Ponyville citizens.

Crump would never admit it, but this frivolous spending had made him incredibly jealous. Crump wasn’t dirt poor, but his family, nor anyone he knew, for that matter, could ever afford a pool. Yet, somehow, that midget monkey just bought a pool for every household in Ponyville.

“I AM WEALTHY, OH SO WEALTHY! I’M SO WEALTHY, AND HAPPY, AND COOOOOL! AND I PITY, ANYPONY WHO ISN’T FROM HERE TODAY!” Mono then began to dance around like a ballerina, spinning and laughing along with the other laughing ponies. “LA LA LA-LA, LA LA LA-LA~”

Thoroughly miffed, Crump led his jealous band of brothers back to the field to practice some more.

“SEE THAT WEALTHY BOY ON THAT STAGE THERE, WHO CAN THAT WELL-OFF BOY BE? SUCH A WEALTHY ASS, SUCH A WEALTHY FACE, SUCH A WEALTHY ACT, SUCH A WEALTHY ME~”

Author's Note

wow the cucklord updated next chapter is about Featherweight learning to smash like a champ

[ARC II] Chapter 32- Love and Its Pitfalls

"Love is like a lost fart. If you have to force it, it's probably shit." –Stephen K. Amos

With the paint chip-eating fucks rustled by my extravagant display of borrowed wealth, six days had passed while they continued to glare in envy at the freshly-built pools that every pony had in their backyards. I’d have to pay Fancy and Fleur back for every penny, with interest. A thanks didn’t exactly cover this. We spoke money, and with time, patience, and the correct injections of gold, we’d never shut up again. I could give them fifty percent of all the company’s earnings, after costs and salaries were sorted out, I could make do with thirty-five. I wasn’t expecting to make a shitload of money, but a smooth thirty-five sounded agreeable to me.

With the pools came increased morale, and with increased morale came confidence in Team Ponyville. And if money can’t buy happiness then you’ve never seen a whole town full of people get in-ground pools. I challenge anyone that thinks you can’t take a loan out for happiness. Also, sure you might be sad, but at least you can cry on your genuine leather seats in your Maserati and not in a fucking soup kitchen. Ooh, note to self: get Flim and Flam to build a Maserati.

After a quick lunch at the Lynx, I was lambasted by a little pink pony sans Cutie Mark. Diamond Tiara, I wanted to shred her with some vicious linguistics, but I couldn’t find it in me anymore. She was making an effort to better herself thanks to me, and I couldn’t be the cause and killer of a good thing. “Bleh,” I thought, “I’ll have to put up with whatever this bullshit is.”

“What is this bullshit you’re spewin’?” I asked kindly.

“Featherweight wants to speak with you,” she said, panting. “He didn’t want to be seen going to you, so he asked me to run out here and find you. He said it’s urgent.”

“Did he say how urgent?”

“Matters of the heart urgent.”

“Whoa, what the fuck? Do I look like I’m the fuckin’ love guru over here? In case you haven’t noticed, I don’t sing kumbaya and hang wreaths around ponies’ shoulders. I yell at them, insult their mothers, and embarrass them publicly for being shitlords. What made scrawny and creepy want to talk to me for this shit? Isn’t Sweetie Belle probably better for this stuff?”

“Well, since you use a lot of bad words and are friends with grown-ups in Canterlot, and since you read a lot and stuff, he thought you were mature.”

That statement might as well have strapped my funny bone down and hit it with a swarm of feathers. “MATURE? AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAA! Fuckin’ hell no! I’m not mature! Everything I do is to avoid being mature! I’m only here because I made a bet with some children. I am the least qualified to teach anyone in any field related to being sociable or likable. I am the anathema to adulthood, the pinnacle of prickishness, the Buddha of Buffoonery!”

Diamond Tiara stood there, looking uncomfortable as I shouted out my declarations through tears of laughter.

“You’re goddamn fucking right I’m gonna help his sorry, love-stricken ass.”

\|||///

Featherweight sat inside his home in central Ponyville, nervously twiddling his hooves while his wings shivered in concert with his rapidly-beating heart. He couldn’t ask any of the adults, they would gossip and coo about ‘young love’ and how ‘cute’ he and Scootaloo were. Scootaloo wasn’t cute! She was awesome, fantastic, bombastic! Well, she was cute, but Featherweight would never say that to her face… Though it was nice when she blushed that one time, then he got socked in the face and the moment was ruined.

The other fillies and colts would make fun of them and then Scootaloo and him would be finished via brute force embarrassment. He was stuck between a wall of gossip and a wave of teasing, and he felt that the only party that wouldn’t act according to either of those groups was Mono. If not because he was a mature alien, then to spite the foals and the grown-ups.

The door to his room slamming open startled Featherweight at first, but the shout that the little alien gave frightened him further. “WELL SOMEBODY DECIDED TO TAKE A DIP IN THE CHICKEN BUCKET, HUH? Fancy yourself some Dyke-Tried Chicken? Aha, this is gonna be fuckin’ awesome. Diamond, fetch me a chalkboard, some chalk, and a pack of notecards.”

Featherweight was pushed down onto the bed in a flash of speed, and Mono’s grinning face filled up his vision. The small human’s face brightened considerably at the expression of fear on the skinny colt. “My boy,” he said, with a wild look in his eye, “you are gonna be drowning in chicken pussy.”

“W- What’s a pu- pussy?” the trembling colt was able to ask. At Mono’s large intake of oxygen, Featherweight was beginning to reconsider asking him for assistance in his sensitive, private affairs.

Sucked to be him, eh?

\|||///

“-and when performed with a handstand and an Olympic torch, it’s called the Over-achieving Cripple.” Featherweight had been with Mono for a mere ten minutes, and already he knew more about nigh-impossible sexual positions than the Princess of Love. “Now, jam a broomstick up her backside and we have one of my personal favorite moves: the Cackling Witch.”

“Mono! I just want to know what kind of gifts to give her, and what to say and how to, um… You know…”

“Fuck?”

“NO! KISS!”

Mono was quiet for a split second, then he tossed the nub of chalk away. “Pffft, and I drew all this for nothin’,” he said as he wiped away some very detailed and incredibly graphic scenes depicting two ponies–or sometimes even seven–in perplexing and somewhat-painful positions. “So, no Grand Slam?”

“No.”

“Three-base run?”

“No…”

“At least tell me that you’ll steal second!”

“No!”

“Fine, whatever. You’re one boring romantic fuck, you know that Featherweight?” Mono threw up his hands in exasperation and sat down. “Fine then, first thing’s first: where do you two stand?”

“You didn’t even know the details of our relationship?!” Featherweight felt like he could strangle Mono. This whole time that the chibi had been teaching him those… things, he hadn’t even known that he and Scootaloo were just testing the waters of their relationship. “We’re going slow, really slow. We’re both kinda new to this and we don’t want to make it awkward.”

“So what the fuck do you call snogging her in front of a crowd of ponies and the Princesses? If that’s not awkward then I’d very much like to know the shit you consider risqué.”

Featherweight’s blush lit up his face like the Hindenburg’s crash site. “That was a spur of the moment thing! I was hopped up on adrenaline and I kinda just…”

“Went for it?”

“Yeah.”

Mono tapped his chin in thought, then snapped his gloved hand and grinned. “I think we can kill two birds with one stone.”

“That’s horrible!” Featherweight gasped.

“No no no, you idiot, I mean that we can solve two problems at once!”

“Oh. Wait, two problems?”

“Problem numero uno: you’re not cool, my dude. You’re a fuckin’ nerd and everybody knows it, hell, you probably know it too. You take pictures for fuck’s sake, you watch cool people and that’s about it. Problem numero dos: You need to make Scootaloo want you just as much as you want her.”

“So how do we solve them both?” Featherweight asked, trying his damnedest not to sound offended.

“We’ll need some building materials and low-grade explosives, also a skateboard.”

Featherweight buried his head in his hooves. This was going to be asinine.

\|||///

“Okay,” I started. “Step number one: making you desirable to Scootaloo. You’re skinny, too skinny. You’ve got no muscles, a shitty haircut, which all in all makes you look like Lloyd Christmas.”

“Who?” Oh, for fuck’s sake…

“Goofy-ass retard with goofy-ass retarded friends. Do you want to be a goofy-ass retard?”

“No…”

“Then we’re gonna do some weightlifting. Tiara!”

A crash of sound later and Featherweight’s eyes widened to take in the sheer weight that Diamond Tiara had been carrying over to us. All two-hundred pounds of it. With her teeth. Fuck. Now the brown sack, tied off with a string, awaited the skin-and-bones pegasus.

“Well, now that you’ve seen what desperation and drive can do together, let’s see what the power of love can do. I know you ponies are all over that shit, right? Show me what’s up and lift this sack of assorted heavy items.”

“Are you positive this will make Scootaloo like me more?”

“No, but it will bulk you up so you don’t look like an emaciated string bean.” I stared at him while he eyed the burlap sack of weighty objects Diamond had pulled from around town. “So start lifting and let’s get you date-ready.”

Featherweight took a deep breath and leaned down to clench the bag’s rope in his teeth. Then, pumping his wings, he began to pull back with all his might.

‘All his might’, that might as well have been all of Celestia’s value, ergo: none. It was a miracle the rope even moved, but the bag sure as hell wasn’t gonna budge today, at least not with Featherweight yankin’ on it. After another twenty minutes of watching this winged anorexic horse struggle with a bag of who knows what, I thought I heard shouting coming from across the field, toward Ponyville.

“Diamond, what’s in that bag?” I asked, now suddenly very curious.

“Cheerilee’s rainy day fund,” she replied.

Wow, she had gotten even faster since I had tried making Doritos. I turned to Featherweight. “Step number one point one: alternatives to physical fitness standards. FUCKIN’ BOOK IT!” I took off without looking behind me, not really bothering to utilize my powers in the situation.

After all, Featherweight was holding the bag.

\|||///

“I hate you,” Featherweight said for the ninth time, his brows dangerously low and his voice strained with a restrained rage. The trio meandered their way back towards Ponyville, the human with his hands in his pockets. Mono rolled his eyes and shrugged simultaneously. “I hate you so much.”

“So I’ve heard. Now, look, I know that the whole ‘impress Scootaloo’ thing kinda backfired,” the human began, but was interrupted by the skinny colt.

“All of Ponyville heard Cheerilee yelling at me.”

“You also cried.” A glare from Featherweight caused Diamond Tiara to wilt after her comment, and the colt turned his attention back to Mono.

“Yes, you also cried. Which means we have to work on those needless emotions. Real men don’t cry or mope around, we shout and yell and get shit done. If people want to expect a barbarian manly man, then you give ‘em what you’ve got, but twice as hard.”

“You’re not a barbarian,” Diamond said.

“Not in the normal way, nah. I’m crass, uncaring, and–in general–an insufferable douchebag. However, I also know how to get shit done and ignore stupid people. Well, less ignore and more tear them from this mortal plane with as much harsh language as I can.” Mono took a moment to think. “Now that I think about it, I have to check up on Canterlot operations next week, make sure Flim and Flam haven’t fucked anything up yet.”

“Huh? Those two traveling salesponies?” Featherweight’s attention shifted to Mono’s comment. “What’re doing with those losers?”

“Starting a successful business that will bring about an industrial revolution across the planet and make me a shitload of bits in the process. That and a whole slew of other nonsense that I’ll probably get caught up in. Eh, I’ll roll with it and prod around where I’m needed.”

Diamond Tiara and Featherweight stared at Mono with disbelief. Start an industrial revolution with Flim and Flam? No way. “I don’t believe you,” stated Featherweight. Mono shrugged in response.

“Then wait a few weeks and prepare to eat those words, dude. When I’m swimming in bits–again–and I have a Maserati bouncing around town, you’ll regret it.” Mono flashed Featherweight a maniacal grin as the three continued walking back into town.

\|||///

“Okay, since there’s no way we’ll bulk you up quickly enough to impress Scootaloo before I leave for Canterlot, we’ll just move on to something a bit easier on the body.” I took in Featherweight’s guarded stance with a smirk. “How good are you at weathering insults, you furry, feathery fucktard?”

“You know, when it’s directly at me, it hurts a bit more,” he muttered under his breath. Well it was better than I thought he’d be, I’ll be honest. “Could you please not be so direct with the swearing, please?” Oh for the love of fuck.

“No, I’ll say whatever I damn well please right to your scraggly-ass lookin’ mug, you flittering gayboy.” I glared at him with as much faux-irritation as I could muster. His eyes moved toward the ground, his wings drooped, and his chin slightly lowered.

“No no no! Eyes up, chin strong, chest out, wings splayed!” Diamond Tiara’s shouting nearly gave me a heart attack, and just like one she interrupted my life and nearly ended it. “Scootaloo won’t see you for the stallion you are if you keep acting all meek! Take some charge and act a little more like Mono does!”

I cast a glance towards Diamond, one that she didn’t see as her forehead connected with Featherweight’s. “Sure, he may be rude, hostile, violent, insincere, egotistical, heretical, irritable, childish, and swear more than a sailor with a stubbed hoof; but he’s also dependable, stubborn, confident, and charismatic! So take all of the good and apply it to yourself, and learn from the bad things that he does!”

“Why are there way more negatives than positives?” My question was disregarded as a bright flash brought Featherweight’s eyes toward Tiara’s ass. My brows also shot up into my hat as I stared at her butt. Wait, that sounds weird, like a porno or something. Fuck it, I’ll nip this in the bud.

She got her Cutie Mark. Yay.

“D- Diamond! You got your- your Cutie Mark back!” Featherweight couldn’t reel back his shock, and once Diamond heard him, neither could she. Sure, she got it back, but technically she didn’t: it was different now. A little purple heart behind a detective’s magnifying glass sat on either cheek, proudly displayed to the world.

“That thing’s fucking hideous.”

“Hey! It’s her Cutie Mark, the one she was supposed to have! Back off!” Featherweight puffed his chest out at me, his eyes glaring and chin setting. Grinning, I leaned in close.

“Now look, Featherweight, I know that Diamond just pumped you up to be more of a badass, but you will never, ever get on my level. I insulted Luna and Celestia multiple times for the fun of it. I beat Rainbow Dash in a pranking contest. I knocked a pony through a wall, and I shit-talked a full-grown dragon until he vomited in horror. Then I took that fucker’s hoard. The next time you stand up to me, you’ll be mounted upright on my wall.”

“Asshole.”

Ho-ly fuck-ing shit. “You motherfucker.”

“Prick.”

“Fuckwad.”

“Douchebag.”

“Cucklord.”

“Titface.”

“Cocksucker.”

“Shit-slurping, ass-diving, big-headed, mud-chugging son of a bitch.”

I started to clap, my grin nearly splitting my face as Featherweight leaned back and smiled himself. “You learned all that but you never had the word 'pussy' explained to you?” I asked him, tucking my hands in my pockets as I appraised the fellow foul-mouth.

“I don't really know what half of the things I said were, but I've heard my older brothers say them before. You wanted me to be like you, right? Well, there you go, fuck face.” He smiled widely, amplifying the smirk on my face.

“AHAHAHA, I've got my own Mini-Me and he's a fuckin' cartoon horse!” I hugged Featherweight in a burst of speed, blowing his mane back. “You and I, you motherfucker! We’re gonna tear anuses for miles around! Those fucking chimney-sweeping sons-a-bitches aren’t gonna know what hit ‘em! Now, let’s get you some puss!” I stepped back and smiled like a hyena. “Confidence! It’s all you need! Chairmen, princesses, kings, gods! Nothing but confidence!”

“So are we just going to gloss over the fact that I regained my Cutie Mark or what?”

“Fuck your Cutie Mark, this is a matter of love! We need flowers, a tie, and some sexy-ass music!” I grabbed the two by the scruffs of their necks and dug my heels into the dirt. “Fuckboy Squad! Away!” In a crack of wind and a blast of dirt, we rocketed toward Ponyville.
\|||///

The sweet chords of a black man with a fantastic name rang out just outside of Scootaloo’s house. It was a small little hut of a house. Could’a used some paint, but generally looked… normal. The front door burst open and a gruff pegasus stallion stomped outside with a plank of wood. “What in Tartarus is that sound?” He looked around and saw Featherweight standing awkwardly with a bouquet and a red tie. “Who’re you?”

I watched from the bushes like a creep, but I couldn’t just jump out and say ‘Hi, this chump needs me around!’ Featherweight faltered for a minute, looked down towards the ground, and took a breath. “I’m here to date your daughter, Mister Toned Hawk.” Fuck off. No way is Scootaloo’s dad named after Tony Hawk. Bullshit. Fuck right off all the way to hell. God, I almost lost it right there. Thankfully Diamond clamped a hoof over my mouth just in time, even in her confusion.

“Scoots? You’re here for my daughter?” Now that I listen to him, he has a hint of skater bro in his voice. Huh. Fuckin’ weird. “A scrawny nerd like you?” Oh, shit. It was my turn to hold onto Diamond. She wanted to fuck a nigga up.

“I may be scrawny but I love your daughter. If you don’t like it then grab a number and wait your fucking turn.” Now Diamond and I were holding each other as we restrained our cheers. Hawk took a step back and lowered the plank of wood. His brows shot up into his hairline as Featherweight stripped off the tie and stopped the music. “Your daughter is beautiful, strong, and has completely captured my heart. I am in love and I intend to show it. With all due respect, step aside and let me see Scootaloo.”

A hurricane of emotions tore across Hawk’s face, but in the end, he turned and shouted up the stairs. “SCOOTS! YOUR COLTFRIEND IS HERE!” Then he settled for a goofy grin and raised a hoof to Featherweight. “You’ve got balls, kid. Mad respect for you.” Featherweight pounded the hoof and nodded.

“‘Suh dude.”

Scootaloo came bursting down the stairs in a huff, her cheeks red and eyes angry. “Dad! I don’t have a coltfriend! Stop telling me to get one and just lemme-!”

Diamond exploded from the bushes and shouted, “You’ve got one now, Scootaloo!” I in turn jumped up and suplexed her back into the foliage. The three at the house looked between one another for a few seconds before resituating their shit and talking amongst themselves.

“Hey, Scoots,” Featherweight said with a smile. He gave her the flowers and grinned like a fucking winner. My boy. “Let’s go out and do something together, huh? Sugarcube Corner, milkshakes for the both of us. Then the park after.” Scootaloo stood around with a blush and a wide stare. She moved her mouth but no words came forth. Then Featherweight kissed her fully. Instead of getting angry, Hawk just leaned against the doorframe and smirked. He’d been there.

Featherweight and Scootaloo cantered away, chatting happily with blushes on their faces. I jumped from the bushes, leaving the unconscious Diamond within. I strode up to Mister Hawk and nudged him with an elbow. “Fuckin’ gnarly, huh? Grow up so damn fast.”

“Who are you?”

“Look dude, don’t ruin this. Just sign this ’T. Hawk’ and we can both fuck off back to whatever the hell we were doin’.” He signed the slip of paper I gave him and stared after me as I walked backwards into the bushes. “Thanks for not making this weird,” I said as I disappeared into the brush.

Author's Note

sorry I was jerking it too hard these past few months

Prologue- Life Was Good*

Prologue- Life Was Good*

I whistled while I strolled down the road, my hands in my coat's pockets. I merrily skipped along to my little tune, my computer bag swinging around my hip. I noticed Joey hurrying down the road perpendicular to my own path.

He looked like he was in a hurry, and a grin was plastered across his face. "Where're you goin, Tommy?" His voice was absolutely grating on my nerves, since I had to share a homeroom with the prick. He spent his spare time picking on the underclassmen. If he was hurrying down the road and calling out someone's name it wasn't a good sign.

I narrowed my eyes and followed behind at a reasonable distance. "What are you up to?

\\||||////

"Where're you goin' Tommy?"

I ran. I ran as fast as I could. I didn't want another beating. Not today. Today was special. Today was my birthday.

It was a nice day, and the clouds looked like big cotton balls on a sheet of blue paper. I got a hundred on my math test from last week, too. It was a good day. I may even have a date! Mom and Dad will be so happy.

But I can't go on a date if I'm beat up. Nobody goes on a date with somebody whose been punched in the face. It's embarrassing.

Joey was gaining on me. I could hear his footsteps behind me. Why did the juniors always pick on me? I'm in eighth grade. They're so much bigger, so why do they do it?

Joey grabbed my collar. He yanked me back and threw me on the ground. "Oof!"

I looked up and I saw his smug face, dotted with acne and untrimmed hair. His brown, disheveled hair obscured his left eye, but his right eye was shooting me an evil glare.

A glare that promised another beating.

I cringed.

He lifted his fist.

And received a solid punch right to his neck.

Joey fell to the ground, tears in his eyes.

I looked at my hero, and saw that he wore a black winter coat and one of those gray hats with the floppy ears. He was skinny, but fit, and tall. His black hair poked out from under the hat, and his bushy eyebrows angled downwards in pure rage. He was a junior too, but I couldn't remember his name.

He reached down and grabbed Joey by the scruff of his bright yellow sweater, and with a yank the coated junior had him on his knees.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing, Miller?"

Joey spluttered some crazy stuff, some tears in his eyes. The other guy slapped him upside the head. "What. The. Fuck. Is. Your. God. Damn. Problem?!" He punctuated every word with a forceful slap from his right hand. Now Joey was openly leaking tears.

My savior dropped him and kicked him in the rear, sending Joey sprawling.

"Get the hell out of here, you putrid rotten cunt!"

Joey didn't argue, and ran down the street, stopping momentarily to grab his things.

The tall junior watched him the entire time until Joey fled around a street corner, out of sight. Then, with a sigh, he turned around and smiled sadly. "You alright," he said. Though it sounded more like a statement than a question.

I nodded and got up. The junior had my bag in his hands already. I looked down at the ground and frowned. "Yeah, I guess I owe you anyways…"

I heard a chuckle, and he had the most baffled look on his face. "Owe me? Hell no! I got an excuse to beat that worthless waste of fresh air! That's payment enough. C'mon, take it."

I thought it was a trick, so I reached out slowly. When I had it in my grasp, he let go, and I slipped the bag on my shoulders. I thanked him quietly, and he just smirked. He walked a few feet to my right and picked up his own bag: a simple shoulder bag with a velcro flap. He swung it around him and grinned at me.

"So. How was your day?"

\\||||////

We talked all about me. And nothing else. He didn't seem to care.

He actually walked me all the way home. Past the alleyways and other kids, and all the way across the bridge where the other kids usually threw my pencil case into the river.

It was weird, but at the same time comfortable. I ranted and raved, and he just wore this stoic, understanding expression. I talked about my date excitedly, and I know I messed up a bunch of words because I was talking to fast. I thought he would laugh at me, but instead he just wore that grin that my dad gets when he's proud of me. And those same understanding eyes.

We got home, and my mom was waiting at the door. She saw me and ran outside, giving me a big hug in her excitement. She handed me a big wrapped present, and kissed me on the forehead. "Happy Birthday, dear!" she piped brightly.

I hugged her back and turned to my present.

"And who might you be?" My mom must have been talking to the junior.

"Oh, my name is-"

"He saved me from getting beat up! It was awesome! Joey was gonna hit me, and then he popped up and went WHAM right to his neck! Then he called him a bunch of bad words and kicked him in the butt, and Joey ran off!"

The junior's face seemed to drain of color, and my mom was looking right at him now with narrowed eyes. Uh oh, I had forgotten that my mom doesn't like people saying bad words around me. And this junior had used some really bad words.

"Swearing, young man?"

The junior held his hands up as if to defend himself. Then he was trapped in my father's bear hug, which ironically was more like a bear trap. I saw the junior struggling for air, and his hands twirled about, his arms pinned to his chest.

"You defended my boy?" Dad had this big, booming voice. It's really intimidating.

I nodded furiously. "Yeah dad! He beat up Joey!"

Dad released the junior and laughed heartily. "Y'know, I would have done it myself, but I probably would have been arrested! Our little Tommy has been complaining of that nuisance for weeks now. I'm glad somebody put a stop to it!"

The junior balled his fists and glared at the pavement. "If I had known sooner I could have stomped Joey earlier. That rat…"

My dad's smile seemed to brighten more, his teeth showing from under his burly gray mustache. Yeah, he had a handlebar mustache. Don't ask.

Dad clapped the junior on the back, knocking the wind out of him and setting him off balance. "Better late than never, eh? Come on in, have some cake!"

The junior shook his head. "No thank you. I've got to head home and finish some work. Also got my little sister to worry about." He turned around and began to walk, before looking back at me with a confident smile. "And Happy Birthday, Jennings."

Then he walked back down the street. Past where the fight was and even further. It was as if he had gone out of his way just to help me.

"That guy is awesome."

Dad laughed again, this time with Mom. "I suppose so, what's his name?"

"His what?"

"His name, Timmy, what is it?"

I never asked his name…

"Ah nuts…"

Now Mom and Dad seem slightly disappointed. "Oh well, I'm sure we'll see him again… But enough lolligagging young man! THERE'S CAKE!"

I love my family.

\\||||////

Goddamn do I love my friggin' family.

Seriously, its the best family ever. Puerto Rican, Italian, Irish, German, and Russian. If you think that doesn't make you badass then you have to sit in the corner and think about life.

I was glad that I got to smack Joey around and help that kid out. I had seen him around school, mostly in the lunch room sitting by himself. Poor kid. I learned his name from a buddy of mine in Jazz club. Apparently that Jennings kid has some monster talent with the saxophone.

"Maybe one day he can play me some swing," I mused to myself. Approaching fast was my spacious living, eating, and entertainment environment. Complete with plumbing and electricity.

A nice matte white with blue and grey shingles, it was simple and unique to the neighborhood. I fished my keys out of my pocket, my fingers brushing against my ipod. "Damn, I could have been listening to Palov this entire friggin' time."

Sighing, I unlocked the door and stepped inside. Walking into the living room, I placed my bag quietly on the chair to my right. "I'm ho-"

"MOTHERFUCKING FAGGOT WITH THE SHOTGUN!"

I turned to my left, smiling. "Hey dad, how's that negative kill death ratio?"

He frowned again, glaring at the screen. Due to today's technology, he had been able to work from home, and he made a killing in graphic design.

"This motherfucker is lagging like a bitch, I know it!" he seethed. I shook my head with an amused smile. I set him up with the Playstation online.

"SONUVA BITCH HACKER!"

And I created a monster…

"Well, I'm going upstairs. Mom and Leah home?"

He didn't look away from the screen, but he tilted his head back to me. "Mom's not home yet, but Leah is upstairs in our room, watching TV." I thanked him and jogged up the stairs, turning left and smiling immediately.

Down the hall was my little sister, Leah. Leah had started kindergarten this year, and nobody messed with her. Not a damn soul. She saw me and gasped in excitement, before burying her face in the covers and squealing.

I threw off my shoes and sprinted to the bed, launching myself into the air and landing beside her, snatching her up and wrapping her in a hug. She laughed and giggled, my relentless onslaught of tickles too much for her to bear. Then I picked her up and dropped her onto the bed, letting her bounce.

I lied down next to her and kissed her on the forehead. "How's my little boo-boo?"

She laughed. "Gooooood!"

I hugged her again. Then we watched Tom and Jerry before we both fell asleep.

\\||||////

When I woke up, the time was eight and Leah was gone. I groaned and quite literally rolled my ass out of bed. I moped down the stairs and saw that dinner was ready. And there was Mom.

"Hi Ma."

"Hello~" she said, as if beginning a musical number. "How was your day today?"

I shrugged. "Eh, pretty boring. Did the lab, talked about Emma Watson with some buddies, and punched a kid in the neck."

The last one made my mom turn to me, looking concerned. Dad came out of the kitchen with two full plates. He looked genuinely surprised.

"Why?"

"He was being an absolute asshat to this eighth grade kid, so I stepped in and put him in his place," I responded like it was common knowledge. Both of my parents paused.

"That's my boy," they said in perfect unison.

I grinned back with a hunk of garlic bread in my hand. "You're damn right I am."

\\||||////

Dinner was delicious, as always. I sat down at my desk in my room and flipped my laptop open. Today was Friday, and there was nothing holding me back. I hovered over the browser.

"And~" I clicked. "AWAY!"

\\||||////

After around four hours of alternating between ponies, Youtube, and my trade status in Team Fortress Two, I sketched some characters in my art pad.

I got bored after twenty minutes, and deciding to log in to Steam. Opening my game, I cracked my knuckles and grinned at the screen sadistically. "I'm gonna bust you the fuck out, Tycho."

\\||||////

"Mother. Fucker!"

I quit Poker Night and opted instead for Team Fortress. "At least Andrew is playing…" And I won't lose seventy thousand dollars of virtual money. I sank in my chair when I thought of my last hand.

"The game is a psychic bastard that wants me to lose. It has to be," I remember thinking. I opened tf2 and joined Andrew's game. I heard his voice come over the mic. "Hey, Mono!"

"What's up, Drew?"

"Not much. Wanna show these noobs how it's done?"

I selected the Pyro and smiled thinly. "Eeyup."

\\||||////

The day was done and my strange Degreaser had another hundred kills logged into it, and at five in the morning I decided it was time to sleep. Closing my eyes, I fell into a dreamless slumber.

My alarm went off, startling me awake. Noticing the time, I panicked when I realized that I had promised to hang out with Spitzer at ten! Scooping up some stuff from a chair buried in clothes, I hurled it to the ground and sat atop it. I fit on my tan sweater and gray slacks. My coat went over next, and then my hat. I couldn't find my sneakers, so my dress shoes would have to do.

I threw my laptop, charger, a tangle of cables, and my hard drive in my shoulder bag. I snatched a bunch of clothes next, because luck favors the prepared. I grabbed my wallet and my ipod, and ran out the door. Sprinting downstairs, I hastily explained where I was going and nabbed my phone from between the couch cushions.

I was out and toward the train station, my legs pumping and my heart racing.

When I got there, I saw that the train had just pulled in, and I made a mad dash up the stairs to the platform. The doors began closing, and with a leap of faith and a bit of panic, I slipped through the closing doors.

Too bad my face hit the other sealed doors, but I was inside nonetheless!

I then realized how badly I had to go. As in number two. You know, a shit. Yeah, too much information, sorry…

Lucky for me, this train had a nifty little toilet, and I hopped inside to do my business. Instead of being on a rack of some sort, the toiletries were amassed in a plastic bag.

"Better than nothing…"

I sat down and began my business, casually opening a nearby Time Magazine and scanning through it. That's when I felt a lurch, a surge, and then stillness.

I looked up, and went pale soon afterwards.

This was not the train.

This was not New York.

This was dark.

This was a garden.

And I was on a stump.

"I didn't even wipe yet…"

Author's Note

CAN YOU SAY SELF-INSERT?

Don't run away, please? I'll be trying hard to make sure this story doesn't follow the HiE cookie-cutter code of carnage. No "humans are monsters" or "unlimited power" thing. I'll keep anything like that on the down low and reel any ideas in before they get too out of hand. Expect music in further chapters.

*Edited the beginning to define the main character, I believe that should balance out the thumbs.*

~Mono

Chapter 7- Cliches Strike Back

"Alright, so we've got funding," I nodded to Fancy Pants and Fleur.

"We've got publicity," I threw my hand to Quick Script.

"We've got infamy," I poked myself in the chest. "And we have an idea."

Quick Script's nose shriveled. "But replacing quills will be difficult unless your genius invention really trumps them in some way."

I snorted. "Pens are long-lasting, sturdy, require no animals or ink wells, and you don't have to fill them up every twelve seconds." My idea was to start this company off using office supplies.

Staplers, sticky notes, pens, copiers, typewriters, all that crap. And when I finished dominating the office world, I'd move on to other avenues. As long as I kept human technology under wraps and in moderation, my career as an entrepreneur would soar.

As it was, I couldn't see a way of leaving what the ponies called Terran, their planet. Without magic, and with mist-man floating about, I was pretty screwed in my chances of going home. So why not begin a multi-million bit industry?

With Fancy Pants' money, I would be able to achieve a fantastic start, and once Flim and Flam got on board I'd be able to delve into the really juicy stuff. For now, though, I would have to start small and work my way up to ludicrous amounts of gold.

"Okay, so it's a good idea, but ponies don't like change. Just look at Celestia and Luna, they are extremely uncomfortable with this whole suffrage movement by the guards."

I waved my hand about. "Yes yes, Quick Script, you raise a valid point. But may I please ask you to shut your dumbass mouth while I explain to you the Celebrity Sponsor effect?"

Begrudgingly, she did so, and I motioned my hands grandly while I spoke.

"Twilight loves to write about friendship and magic and all that other stupid shit, right? She has to constantly dip her quill pen in ink and go back and forth all day refilling it when it runs out. Now, give a studious bookworm like her a pen, and watch her productivity increase day to day while her sex life reaches 'elderly woman with cats' stage. Instead of wasting what adds up to more than an hour, she saves that time and spends it writing a report on why I'm amazing instead, with plenty of time to masturbate in the bath."

Fleur and Fancy giggled at Script's expression. "Okay, so you're right, what now?"

"Now I go get the damn pen, give it to Twilight, and wait."

They all stared at me. "That's it?"

"That's all we have to do. Easy."

\\||||////

"What do you think it is, Princess?"

Twilight poked the box with her magic, not daring to touch the sleek, bluish black cylinder inside it. At its tip was a silvery bullet-like point, and the blue-black metal coated the rest of it mysteriously.

Attached to the box was a letter that read:

Only for Twilight Sparkle. Try not to kill anypony with this, we're trying to wow the country, not massacre them. Love, Mono

Celestia levitated the box over to her sister and herself. "I do not know… You say it's from Mono?"

Twilight nodded. "Yes, that's what it says here."

Luna sniffed. "I would not trust it. Anything that this Mono has to do with just makes me either frustrated or concerned." She looked thoughtful. "But also intrigued…"

They all looked at the box.

"Oooh it's so tempting! I know it must be alien technology! It HAS to be!" Twilight clapped her hooves together rapidly, her excitement impossible to contain. She magicked the box over to her snout, gingerly turning the box over and over while she scrutinized it.

"I still believe it to be dangerous," Luna remarked sourly.

"Whatever we do with this thing, it must be calculated and methodical," Celestia agreed.

\\||||////

I decided to enjoy yet another stroll away from the castle. With Shining Armor's victory secured, I had no doubt that absolutely nothing would happen. No, seriously, what did you think would happen? After thousands of years, you really think that the ponies would be accepting of change so quickly? Don't count on it.

"At best he gets a complimentary gift basket." Oh well, it was fun to rile the palace up anyway. It took all of their attention off me, because if you hadn't noticed, I hadn't slept all week!

Who said the pen was the only project I had been secretly working on?

I let out an evil laugh that echoed through the streets quite nicely, startling a few ponies. I have to admit, the idea of an omnipotent being was pretty unsettling, but as long as I took it in stride I assumed I'd be fine.

"Maybe I'll find some kind of griffin eatery or some-" My line of thought was cut off by some rude jackass who decided putting me in a sack would make me feel at home. "How nice of them."

Instead of screaming for help, I snuggled into the burlap and waited to be hoisted away to far away lands, or at least shipped somewhere not in Equestria, like Zebralon. Yes, Zebralon. I actually did get to the library, thank you very much.

While the fact that I could read everything did bug me somewhat, I had more important matters to think about.

Obviously, I couldn't get home. Magic was useless against me and for me, and would serve no purpose in getting me to my rightful place. I couldn't build a ship to fly me home, as I had no idea where in the universe I was. "Unless I'm actually in a different dimension…"

Once again, I had become sucked into my own thought conversation loop, and didn't notice the bickering outside of the dark confines of my bag at first.

"Well, we caught him! You girls got anything?"

"Oh no…" I knew that voice. Southern.

"Nah, nothin'! Come on, what does it take to get a darn Cutie Mark?"

"Brash. Tom-boyish. Emulating Rainbow Dash."

"Well, maybe if we learn about his culture and civilization?"

"…Sweetie… Belle."

I groped about for the bag's opening.

"…Sweetie Belle is…"

My gloves found the opening, and spread the cloth apart. Light poured into the oppressive burlap sack, and I popped my head out into the fresh air free of the pungent smell of sweat and rotten apples. Applebloom stood to my left, Scootaloo right in front of me.

I turned slowly to the right.

"BEST PONY!"

Sweetie Belle screamed as I exploded into a glomping tackle.

I barely heard the coin fall.

\\||||////

"Was that Sweetie Belle?" Rarity looked up from a jewelry stand, where its owner was looking absolutely infuriated.

"Are you buying or not?"

Rarity looked back at the mare behind the stand. "Oh, but I don't know if I should get this necklace with rubies or sapphires? Maybe a silver inlay? But I do believe that gold would look absolutely marvelous! Perhaps with a properly dashing hint of amethysts along the clasp?" The fashionista continued jabbering away incessantly.

The vendor groaned and slammed her head into the wooden stall. She then proceeded to attempt to beat herself into a coma before the prissy white mare could talk her into one.

"Ah! Get it off me! Get it off!"

A blur of white and black shot down the street, sending vendors diving out of the way haphazardly. Scootaloo and Applebloom raced after the terrific bullet of monochromatic chaos, shouting for Rarity in a panic.

Recognizing the white streak as her sister, Rarity fired up her magic to restrain the two.

Sweetie Belle stopped, and what Rarity saw she couldn't believe. Mono, albeit slightly larger than her, had Sweetie Belle in a vice grip. His arms wrapped around her barrel, and Mono's eyes were shut tight, his lips pulled into a blissful smile.

Rarity's concern for her sister rose, and she ignited the spell against Mono. When nothing happened, she truly began to worry.

Sweetie Belle hopped up and down, attempting to rid herself of her hitchhiker. "Let go!"

"No."

Sweetie took off running, and the two once again burst into a unanimous blur of unadulterated speed. Scootaloo and Applebloom skid to a halt next to Rarity.

"Rarity! The alien's got Sweetie Belle, and he won't let go!" Scootaloo glanced fearfully as the two clipped a dazed bystander, wincing at the impact. "And they're going really fast!"

"Yeah! The only reason we caught up is 'cause they kept goin' this way and that! I ain't never seen Sweetie move that fast before!"

Rarity swiveled her head to watch Sweetie Belle dart from one side of the street to the other in the blink of an eye. Next she started dashing about randomly, presumably attempting to toss Mono off.

Rarity held her head in order to keep her eyes from rolling out of her sockets. The duo streaked once again across the street, obliterating a cart full of cabbages.

"My cabbag- !" The stallion was thrown into a wall from the collision of the human and pony missile. Sweetie Belle whirled around and stopped suddenly, the momentum throwing Mono from her back at high speed.

Mono blasted through the stand that Rarity had been perusing, sending jewelry hurtling through the air. A piece that caught her eye fell from the skies, and Rarity snatched it quickly.

Putting the bracelet upon her right fore hoof, she giggled girlishly and let the gold band glint in the sun.

"Oh! These emeralds look fabulous!"

Returning their attention to the destruction before them, Applebloom and Scootaloo found Sweetie stumbling about, looking incredibly nauseous. Scootaloo caught her as she fell, the filly unicorn's eyes swirling like turbines.

"Oh my gosh! Rarity, what happened?!"

Applebloom looked up to see Spike with an armful of jewels turn around the corner. He promptly dropped them and rushed to where Rarity, Scootaloo, and Applebloom were. Mono stumbled around next to the shattered cart, before clutching his stomach and passing out.

"Is Sweets okay?"

Rarity nodded. "Just a bit dizzy, darling, no need to rush her to the hospital. Although that ruffian will need to be when I'm through with him."

Spike cocked his head. "Ruffian?"

Applebloom explained the entire situation to Spike, who's gaze widened. "Twilight's been talking about him alot through letters. She said he was rude, cynical, and an all around jerk." Spike looked over at the crumpled black, gray, and tan form of Mono.

"What do we do with him?"

Scootaloo dragged Mono into the street. A small white bubble oozed from his mouth and floated away like a balloon, his eyes two white ovals bordered by black while smoke rose from his head injury. He wasn't moving.

\\||||////

I woke again from the pitch, and immediately searched for someone. As if fate had spoken, a pony dressed in a lab coat trotted in. "Mono. Do you know why you're here?"

I still couldn't make the form out, but she was definitely off-white with a red and hazel mane. She sounded like she was scolding me for something or another.

"Uh, I hit a wall?"

She sighed and readjusted something on her face. Probably glasses. "Well, we found no sign of a concussion, even though you hit the wall at high velocity. No. What you are truly here for is your complete lack of sustenance."

"Eh? Food?"

"Due to your extremely heightened metabolic rate, you deplete your energy reserves much faster than normal. According to eyewitness reports and examinations of your stomach contents, by way of a stool sample; you have not eaten for three days exactly."

I blinked. "Three days? Really?"

"Yes really. Not a bite. So, starting now, you'll have to create a diet and we'll inform the chefs. So to start: What food groups comprise your diet?"

I still couldn't see very well, but I could talk just fine. "Breads, meats, dairies, fruits, vegetables, sugars, and fats."

The coated pony cocked her head to one side, and then the other. "All of those?"

I nodded, which made my head sting like crazy. "Yeah… Humans eat meat, oh lordy be, save us all…" I spun my finger around sarcastically.

"It's not a problem, I'm not offended or perturbed. It's just going to be an immense pain in the ass to get all that. Especially meat. We could contact the Griffin Catering Service, or the zebras."

"Zebras?"

"Yes. They import wildebeest and gazelle for the griffins."

"Huh. Who woulda thought?"

"Well… just let me know when dinner'll be ready, and I'll come running."

I made to hop out of the bed, but her hoof pushed me back down. I felt her shiver slightly. "That's another thing I wanted to talk about with you. When you obliterated that cart, you were traveling well over SWP."

"Uh…"

"Standard Wing Power."

"Oh! Kay."

"I would like to know how you accomplished such a feat."

This was quite the predicament. I remember nabbing Sweetie Belle, and then holding holding onto dear life while shivering in excitement.

After that everything looked normal. Ponies were moving really slow though. "Really slow? No way…"

I sat up straight. "How soon can I be reinvigorated?"

"Well, judging by your-" she began, but I cut her off by hopping up in a flash and wearing a massive frown whilst pulling my brows down in determination.

"Trick question. I'm ready now!"

\\||||////

"What is he doing now?"

Quick Script stood somewhere off to the other side with a packet of white paper in her magical glow.

I stretched my back and twisted my arms to and fro. I had heard that Rarity was here along with the Crusaders, but they must have been concealed in the crowd of royalty and testosterone.

"This better not waste my time," mumbled Doctor Sure Stitch. She sat with a clipboard in her lap, her front hooves folded in angst. Imagine my surprise that she was an earth pony.

"Okay." I locked eyes ahead of me on a small target. I released my muscles before tensing back up. "Time me, Forrest."

Shade Flight grumbled despondently, holding a timer in his hooves. "Three. Two. One. G-"

My leg muscles exploded, and instantly everything about me slowed down considerably. The grass of the courtyard flung behind me, and I had ample time to examine it and knock it off course with a poke of my gloved finger. Growing concerned, I ran as fast as I could to the target and put my hand against it.

The second I stopped moving my legs, everything caught up. Everypony's head snapped to the target and myself a second later, and the crowd of stallions cheered.

The staff looked as if they might scream, though Twilight probably would've done so from sheer excitement. Doctor Stitch shrugged. "Well, whaddya know?"

Shade Flight looked pretty pissed too. "Thirty-three yards. Two point six three seconds."

I stared at my hand and then at my legs as I hopped from one to the other.

I turned to the ponies and said, "This didn't happen."

Then I walked away and ignored the fact that I could move at thirty-eight feet per second.

"Fucking cliches."

Author's Note

Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em. As much as it pains me to do this, it is necessary for the future of this fic. Don't believe me? Okay, fine, don't believe me.

Just trust me when I say that there are and will be major drawbacks for this little ability. Thanks for sticking with the story, and if you read Slime City, be sure to check that out too.

Next chapter of BwBb should be up by at least Monday, if not Sunday.

Let's See How Discord Likes THIS One!

The Narrator asked its master why it was made to delineate Mono's taste for liquor. The blue mist rolled two golden orbs for eyes and shouted at the Narrator.

I was trying to kill him, okay? Upon hearing this, the Narrator expressed its opinion on the stupidity of its master's plan. Fuck you. Remember, I've still got a few chapters before I can get back.

The Narrator confirms its understanding yet again and reassures its master for a fifty-seventh time. The mist groans and continues to drift along the stone plaza.

You know what, Narrator, I think I'm running out of imagination. The mist snapped a pair of misty digits and laughed. That's it! That's the ticket! The mist began swirling about, pulling open a rift in the fabric of space and time. From this rift came a pure-white substance Slowly, the cloud of blue halted its gyrations and grasped the floating substance with two ghostly arms.

The mist began guiding it into a shape, giving it color and detail. But not too much detail… It sculpted a correct anatomical structure and hummed thoughtfully. Horn or wings?

The Narrator coughed and mentioned that technically it had no free will, only the capability to be snarky or sarcastic. Fine then, we'll flip a coin. The mist produced a coin and flipped it through the air. Before the Narrator could warn the mist, the coin hit the cold stone ground.

Oh wait… That was a-

The cloud of blue was cut off when a massive wave of cacophonous sound tore through the air. Looking up, the mist watched as a huge airship constructed of clouds and steel fell from the sky. Smoke and flame poured from the construct, and soon it impacted the earth with a grand and satisfying crunch of metal.

Maybe you're getting a bit caught up in something that may or may not happen depending on how everything pans out? The Narrator rolled its metaphorical eyes and commented on how its master was a complete and utter douche.

The mist huffed and soon finished its creation. There. Wings. Now, just in case Discord pulls another fast one on me, I have a method of getting back quickly and easily. What do you think, Narrator?

The Narrator quickly states that its master should switch out red for blue in favor of subtlety. The mist waves a cloudy appendage over its creation, rendering it an alluring blue. Okay then, now to get to gettin'!

[ARC II] Chapter 29- An Aspirin or Something

"Let us have a dagger in our teeth, a bomb in our hands, and an infinite scorn in our hearts." -Benito Mussolini

My morning sucked ass.

\|||///

Mono woke up with a start, startling Cheerilee, the Crusaders, and Twilight Sparkle. He sat up straight, his back and legs making a ninety degree angle. His head was completely wrapped in bandages, and he had gone completely still. Slowly, his hands reached up towards his head, feeling around the wrappings gently.

After poking the bandages with his gloved hands, the small human screamed through the fabric, jumped up from the bed, and crashed through the window of Ponyville Medical.

This is how the morning after the first game went.

\|||///

A screaming, like that of a dying seal’s, echoed throughout Ponyville. There was no pause, but it did grow slowly louder, as if the source of the noise was coming towards the town center. A plume of dust quickly approached the ponies as they stared on in confusion. Next, a flash of white and eight ponies were flung into stands, store windows, and other ponies.

A crack sounded from down the street, and the small white figure shakily removed itself from the wall. Its daze was forgotten when its mittens once again touched its head, and the creature known as Mono Nucleosis took off deeper into town without a regard to the (no doubt) horrendously painful head trauma.

He careened into a cafe and upturned every table in the joint, then proceeded to body-check the waitress into a window. The shattered glass was the sound that everypony needed to incite panic, and all of the customers immediately began to gallop about in circles.

The chaos of the crowd was added to by the horrendous scream of terror that Mono let loose, followed by his speedy exit through another window, spraying glass and hay fries onto the street. The ketchup-slathered human bullet tore deeper into Ponyville just as Cheerilee, Twilight, and the Crusaders arrived to observe the destruction.

“Son of an ass-munching fuck nugget!” Cheerilee’s ears spewed steam, and a vein in her neck made itself visible as she proceeded to stomp around and swear profusely. “Fucking stupid, shit-faced, short-stack colon diver! Fuck fuck FUCK!” Taking a few breaths, she calmed down and recomposed herself. “I’m fine, let’s stop Mono.”

\|||///

They found Mono at Sugar Cube Corner, hollering and screaming as he ran in circles around the room… on the sides of the walls. Pinkie couldn’t land a hit with her cakes, and every customer there refused to risk booking it for the door. All except for one stallion, whom yelled in a panic and galloped for the open doorway.

Mono’s body rejected the stallion’s exit, throwing the pony across the counter and into a glass storage unit, shattering it. His unconscious body landed amongst a heap of sweets and glass.

Cheerilee expertly dove into the bakery, eyed Mono zipping about, and grabbed a broom. With a freakish and spectacular display of unholy earth pony strength, she swung the broom around and struck Mono in the face as he ran into the swing. The force of the hit shattered the broom, threw up a concussive wave, and launched him through a previously unbroken window, sending shards of glass trailing behind his violent exit.

Cheerilee immediately recovered from the blast of sound and air, and leapt through the broken window after the terrified and incensed Mono. This left Twilight Sparkle and the Crusaders to keep count of just how many windows and glass objects Mono would wind up destroying during his panic attack.

Probably a lot.

\|||///

Cheerilee stampeded down the street, following the shards of glass and the blood-curdling scream from the miniature human. Ponies were lying unconscious, stuck in windows, buried under various wares, and several pony-shaped holes signified that more than a couple of unfortunate citizens had been punched into the house market, whether they wanted it or not.

Mono himself was shaking in the middle of the street, clutching his head while he muttered rapidly. Cheerilee couldn’t make anything out, as he was talking too fast to be heard. Only a small wind that shifted the papers and pebbles around his feet came from his mouth, the result of his super-sonic ramblings. Cheerilee slowly approached him as he vibrated. Not shook, but literally vibrated. Fast.

“Mono?” Her voice alerted him to her presence, and his scream pitched up, disturbing the air around him and forcing Cheerilee to cover her ears. It was like a moan, but loud, and piercing. Such was the volume and pitch that Cheerilee had fallen to her knees in pain.

Mono continued to scream, clutching his bandaged head and throwing his blinded gaze to the sky, shaking faster and faster. All of this ended when a blue hoof extended and struck the human in the side of the head, then did so again, and again, and again. Mono eventually went down, unconscious but fine.

“Ow… shit.” Penchant rubbed his hoof, testing the flexibility of the leg after striking the vibrating target. “You alright, Miss Cheerilee?” he asked, reaching a hoof out to help her up. She nodded in response, letting out a sigh of relief.

“Quite. What was that all about?”

“Well, he was shaking like hell, so hitting him was equivalent to punching something with the density of a brick wall. All his head did was crack against my hoof like a bowling ball. Probably had enough force behind those hits to crack a coconut in half.”

Cheerilee gave him a look.

“Oh, you mean the freak out? Well, no friggin’ clue. Maybe he thought he was blind or something? Or maybe a bad dream? I’ve got nothing.”

Cheerilee let out a sigh. “We should bring him back to the hospital, have them run some tests.” Penchant nodded and loaded Mono onto his back, nestling the human between his wings. “Alright, Penchant, let’s go.”

\|||///

“Well, that shouldn’t be there,” Sure Stitch hummed. “It seems that somepony introduced a foreign antibody into his bloodstream. One that reacted with my pills.”

“Your pills?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“Yes. They redistribute Mono’s so-called ‘super powers’ to the rest of his physical abilities evenly, producing a fair and average player for your Championships. Oh, don’t look at me like that, blame the griffons.” Sure Stitch turned back to the print-outs from Mono’s blood exam. “Judging by these clues here and here,” she said, poking at the papers, “it caused his ‘power’ to not only activate but overload beyond control, to the point that it actually started causing him extreme duress and pain.”

The rest of the ponies in the room looked taken aback by this. What they had just bore witness to was a malicious attack against another living being, an attack that could have killed him. Even though it hadn’t, the attack had caused Mono and several townsponies colossal pain.

“Once he woke up, his brain most likely began misfiring, and he knew that something was wrong. As soon as he had a waking thought, everything went haywire, and his ability became activated by any errant conscious thought.” Sure Stitch turned back around, frowning heavily. “No doubt about it, this was an attempt on Mono Nucleosis’ life.”

While the rest of the ponies were silent, Penchant was tapping his chin with a hoof. “So, wait a minute, if what I’m hearing is true, then I have a vested interest in keeping him away from further danger. He is a future business partner, after all. In light of this revelation, I suggest that we undertake a quick investigation to discover who is responsible.”

Twilight took her head out of her hooves and gave the pegasus a sour look. “None of us are professional private investigators, nor are we equipped for the job.” This response caused Penchant to quirk an eyebrow and frown.

“But you’re a licensed dragon-trainer, psychologist, veterinarian, and education provider?” He leaned in closer to Twilight, a grin slowly wiggling onto his face. “Don’t bother responding. Anyway, I have the funds and I think that we can find the perpetrator with the help of my personal assistant and our collective minds.”

“But first, we’ll need some things… Task Manager!” His shout summoned a be-spectacled mare with a stark white coat and vibrant blue mane done up in a bun. “Take this order, will you please?”

He began furiously scribbling in a notepad he took from his wing, a pencil gripped firmly in his teeth. Nodding once, he spat the pencil out into the air, where Task Manager caught it with a hoof. He then ripped the page out and gave it to her, smiling fondly. “Thanks, Tasky. Please be as fast as possible with that stuff, okay?”

She read over the paper with her chartreuse eyes, gave a nod, which caused her glasses to bounce slightly, and briskly trotted out from the room. Cheerilee scratched her head. “I don’t remember seeing her anywhere around Ponyville. And Pinkie Pie didn’t make a large deal of it either…”

Penchant slid beside her and draped a hoof around her neck. “Tasky’s real good at showing up when she’s needed, which is probably why you didn’t see her. She’s always nearby, no matter where I am.”

“But I didn’t even see her sign in,” Twilight commented.

“Ugh, why does it matter if she can materialize out of nowhere whenever she’s needed. Let’s just say that it’s fucking awesome and leave it at that! Excuse my Prench. Now, we’ll need a watch here while a group goes out and investigates any clues that might lead us to Mono’s assailant and attempted assassin. Any volunteers?”

The Crusaders leapt onto Mono’s bed with massive smiles on their faces. “Cutie Mark Crusaders Human Defenders YEAH!” Penchant stuck a hoof in his ear and wiggled it about before dislodging it with some effort and a pop.

“Excellent, girls. Cheerilee, Doctor Stitch, Princess Twilight Sparkle, you’re with me. Oh, and… NURSE!” Penchant’s yell brought Red Heart galloping into the room. “Keep an eye on Mono and the girls while we’re out, wouldn’t want a repeat of his previous episode.”

Flashing a winning smile and pumping a hoof, Penchant confidently cantered out of the room with his posse behind him. Meanwhile, Mono Nucleosis had begun to have some rather strong and deeply suppressed addictive urges return to him.

\|||///

“Ugh… fuck my fucking head. I feel like Shia Lebouf’s career on quaaludes and Jose Cuervo. Speaking of Mr. Cuervo…” I had woken up and immediately felt this thirst. I didn’t know why the fuck I had a sudden urge to drink, but goddamn did I need one. The last time I had drank was… oh shit I didn’t even talk about the drinking did I?

Yeah, it started after that really fucked up dream I had about my family, plus most ponies never noticed for a couple reasons: the first being that my metabolism cycled the alcohol out pretty quickly, the second being that while drunk I had the tendency to use my powers to do some pretty stupid bullshit. I also didn’t talk about it until now.

Anyway, this pretty stupid bullshit usually manifested in minor crime sprees, a felony or two, and an attempted assassination attempt on an apple vendor from Appleoosa. I said attempt, fuck-face, not success.

Anyway– I say that a lot don’t I?– I hadn’t realized it yet but the incident that morning had most likely revived my intense personal relationship with booze. That said, I needed some… really badly. Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever woken up after sprinting into walls, through walls, and being savagely beaten by your bro, but booze probably isn’t a good idea after that. I had also just been poisoned, too, so…

I got up and out of bed to get a fix.

\|||///

“So, our culprit hates Mono’s guts, duh.”

“Yes, Penchant, that’s clear. However, there is no shortage of ponies in Canterlot, Ponyville, and now Cloudsdale that loathe him with a burning passion. Property destruction, assault, cultural insensitivity, racism, threats of regicide, rumors of attempted homicide, insinuation of illegal practices, assault on royalty, trespassing, counterfeiting, crimes against space and time, crimes against equinity, crimes against divinity, and loitering.” Twilight Sparkle knit her eyebrows together in thought.

How has he not been arrested and tried yet?” Before she could get an answer Sure Stitch cut in with her own points. She had been around the castle and often treated many wounds associated with the little furless asshole.

“Possible culprits could consist of Prince Blueblood, Princess Luna, Rainbow Dash, Shade Flight, Lyra Heartstrings, a relative of the Cloudsdale teams’ players, or you.” A hoof poked Cheerilee lightly in the chest, and a scowl dropped onto her face immediately.

“Why would I have any reason to try to kill Mono?”

Everypony simply stared at her, including the ponies around the small group in the marketplace. The silence really opened the air, so much so that one could hear the creak of the trees and a young colt falling out of one. That broke the quiet real quick.

“Doctor Stitch! You have to be kidding, right?” Twilight nervously glanced between the other mares, while Penchant took a single step back and eyed the two warily. “What you’re accusing Miss Cheerilee of is serious!”

“Time and time again she has been seen being screwed with by Mono. Each time she reacts negatively. Miss Cheerilee here assaulted Nucleosis twice, resulting in bodily injury that induced unconsciousness.” Sure Stitch narrowed her eyes at Cheerilee with obvious suspicion.

“And by killing Mono, Ponyville would lose the Championship, the foals would be horrified, and I would spiral into a depression knowing that my deed severely harmed the development of over twenty young ones.” Cheerilee raised an eyebrow at her opponent. “My motives for preserving him far outweigh my motives for ending him, as unfortunate as that is.”

“That’s kinda dark for you, Cheers.”

“Penchant?”

“Yeah?”

“If you ever call me ‘Cheers’ again, I’ll nail your upper lip to your forehead.”

“Kay.”

\|||///

“Mister Nucleosis, though it is partially my fault for forgetting to inform you, you shouldn’t be trying to leave your bed for any reason. Especially for what you claim to crave.” Nurse Redheart stared sadly down at the human, his jury-rigged hospital gown sporting a small streak of blood near its neck. A tissue stuck out of Mono’s nose, and a miffed expression adorned his visage.

“…”

“I could get you an apple juice, if you’d like. Or perhaps a pudding cup?”

“…”

“Mister Nucleosis, there is no shame in falling out of bed or breaking your nose.”

“Yeah, but there’s shame in doing both.” Scootaloo’s comment made Mono flinch.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders began to laugh uncontrollably, and Mono slowly turned his head to glare at them. His barely pent-up rage, something that had been seeping in since his life juices began leaking out, was reaching critical mass. That undignified fuck-up, something that occurred in the most embarrassing way imaginable, could not leave this room.

“I’ll take a pudding.” Nurse Redheart smiled and retrieved the cup from a tray upon her back. She set it and a metal spoon on the nightstand next to Mono’s bed. She nodded and turned to take her leave.

Nurse Redheart had her oath of confidentiality with the patient, these three little fillies didn’t. Mono’s eyes watched Nurse Redheart leave the room, the insanity of his anger burning in his eyes. The second that door clicked closed, Mono threw the spoon at the door’s handle fast and hard.

The Crusaders stopped laughing as the speed and force of the throw punched the utensil into the door and fused the spoon to the handle’s mechanism, a quiet sizzling being the only sound that pervaded the room. As the metal cooled, the three fillies slowly looked over at Mono and his intense expression.

“We are having words,” he said. “Promises, threats, and agreements.”

The Crusaders gulped.

“Item fucking one…”

\|||///

“…and don’t you fucking touch my easy-bake oven!” My tirade had gone on for a while. I glanced at the clock on the wall. Okay, a really really long while– but I think I had gotten my point across. I was not to be fucked with, and with the mouths on these girls, they’d tell everybody in no time.

Getting back on track, I needed the deets on the town and its mentally challenged residents. “Okay, asshats, what’s been going on and what do I need to know?”

Apple Bloom let me know that Twilight, Sure Bitch, Cheerilee, and Penchant had gone on some kinda adventure to apprehend my supposed assassin. Whatever, fuck ‘em. I had my own plan in catching the sneaky fuck, and I’m pretty sure no one had thought of this.

“Scootaloo, you’re going to check the visitor logs in the lobby. Any time between when I was first admitted and before this morning is your best bet.” At seeing her blank face, I rolled my eyes. “Take Sweetie Belle, she probably remembers the time I was dragged here. Applebloom, stay here and keep guard while I make fun of your upbringing.”

“But, I don’t wan- “

“No one cares what you want you backwards poverty-stricken shit. You’re going to keep me safe while having mixed feelings about doing so. This is for two reasons: the first is that I’ll be ripping your ass asunder with several slurs and below-the-belt remarks. The second is that I’ll be paying you a metric shit-ton of bits.”

“So why don’t you shut your piss-yellow honky ass up and get to holding down the fort.” She begrudgingly did so, with the money being quite a solid motivator for her. As a kid, she had no concept of what a lot of money was, so I didn’t feel bad later about giving her a measly two-hundred bits.

…

That was still technically a lot. Eh. Whatever.

With my squad up in Canterlot keeping everything running smoothly in my absence– and hospitalization– I wasn’t really worried about splurging my salary on a stupid Southern sack of soup. That needed work. Anyway, according to the letters I’d been getting, there were three small warehouses (factory didn’t really apply since everything was stored on-site), two in Trottingham and a second in Fillydelphia. As it turns out, labor in Trottingham is cheap as the dirt that covers its cockney citizens. Brilliant!

Flim and Flam had been doing honest work by constantly working on new production designs for the pens, including Princess-themed ballpoints with ink that matched their coat colors. Those would be a huge seller once we figured out how to write with the Celestia pen… Specialized branded paper? Fuck yes.

Let it be known, I am a fucking genius and better than anyone ever. Suck a fat, veiny dick.

Quick Script was still teasing that fucking interview, and I was just fine with that. I had told her specifically to hold off on releasing all of it, that way it would increase in value the more I refused to open up to anyone. The less I talk the more it’s worth. And with her being a stock-holder in his up-and-coming business, well, the more the merrier.

But, I would get to business later. For now…

“Hey Applebloom, what’s the difference between Big Mac and a period?”

\|||///

“Well, I think that’s the most ludicrous and borderline mania-inducing adventure I have ever been apart of,” said Sure Stitch. “I mean, how did you even break a pony’s body like that Cheerilee? I didn’t even think you could kick, let alone pull off those moves that any pony should not even be physically capable of.”

Cheerilee shrugged, walking beside Penchant and Twilight as they returned to the hospital. Their search had turned up nothing, and so on the way they decided to stop in at the Spotted Lupus for a bite and a show. Lyra Heartstrings was playing, and it’d be nice to dine to her smooth stringed symphony. Bam, sucka, alliteration.

As a Princess, getting a nice seat was easy, not too close and not too far. The four ponies ordered their meals, with Penchant promising to cover the tip. As they ate, they were mostly silent, enjoying the music as much as the food. Halfway through their meal, Scootaloo entered into the restaurant, speaking quickly to the staff. They nodded and let her through, pointing at Lyra with a hoof.

The four watched as Scootaloo cantered up to Lyra, spoke with her briefly, and took a cylindrical package out from under her wing, giving it to the older mare. Scootaloo then trotted away without speaking to anypony else. Twilight and the rest found it strange, but shrugged and resumed eating. Lyra had paused to shake the package a bit, but shrugged and set it down beside her.

The unicorn mare took a deep breath, touched her hooves to her lyre, and exploded.

Author's Note

Yeah, I'll probably write a one-shot explaining whatever Twilight, Sure Stitch, Cheerilee, and Penchant did. Seriously.