"Do you ever wonder if the stars shine out for you?
Float down, like autumn leaves
Hush now, close your eyes before the sleep
And you're miles away and yesterday, you were here with me
Another tear, another cry, another place for us to die, it's not complicated
Another life that's gone to waste, another light lost from your face, it's complicated
Is it only wonder or do birds still sing for you?"
-Autumn Leaves, Ed Sheeran
0.0.0.0
Who was first? Did it matter? Her heart had taken enough abuse. Enough torture. Enough pain. And despite that the fall had taken them all away, it was surprisingly her favorite season. Because even though it pained her to remember them all, it seemed that those memories would make her feel as if they were all waiting for her, at home, and in a way, they all were. Wherever they were now, that was home. She'd be there before she knew it. Growing up always flew by, faster than the seasons, to be honest, and every little thing could actually make her think...
Think about what memories they left on her. What were those memories? It often took a while, but she'd remember.
Her father. He gave her the beloved Stetson she never took off. He taught her that lying was the worst thing a pony could do. After years of always telling the truth, it was, without a doubt, impossible for her to even tell a white lie. (And to think, if he hadn't taught her that lesson, she might not be the Element of Honesty.) He taught her how to become such an excellent farmer. Though, after his death, it seemed that all those little things she knew about him faded away. She forgot them. Not on purpose, though. It's just, once haunted by something so... horrid, you can't think about anything else. It's even hard to remember the important things. She lost him right after her fifth birthday.
Her mother. The mare who left a wonderful impression on every pony she met. Applejack definitely had to thank her mom for her looks, and the talents she had. Her mother could beat any pony in a rodeo, blindfolded, probably. A quick thinker and a fast learner, but not a farmer. No sir, not even her true love or her children could make her pick up a shovel or buck a tree. She'd stick to her sports and cooking; those meals that no one could ever match, no matter how much they followed the timeless recipes. A high-class mare, from fancy Canterlot, with that 'twang'. What a mix. A six year old AJ lost her the day after Nightmare Night.
Granny Smith. That wack of her grandmother who always managed to find a nice spot in everypony, if she looked hard enough. She'd accept anything her family had to face, and despite her age, she always wanted to take charge. Her grandchildren, who often reminded her of her own children, always put a smile on her face. Sometimes, Applejack wondered if she, her brother and her sister were replacements of a sort, in her grandmother's eyes. It was very well possible. They were all spitting images of their parents in one way or another. But still, Granny Smith always pushed aside her own needs to make room for her little family, and then some. She was lost a full month before Hearth's Warming Eve.
Apple Bloom. Her baby sister. Suicide. Nopony would ever guess that the adorable, optimistic, cheerful, stubborn little filly who had grown up into a wonderful young mare; who had became a stellar cook and left the farm to run her very own restaurant was secretly depressed. It didn't just take a toll on the family, it took a toll on practically everyone in Ponyville. Her looks changed drastically as she had aged, but one thing was for sure. With one simple conversation, if you knew her from the past, you'd know it. In personality, she never changed... on the outside, anyway. Out of all the deaths of ponies close to her, Applejack had to admit, seeing her baby sister collapsed on the floor, with blood on the carpet had never been a more horrifying sight. After much investigation, it was revealed that Apple Bloom had killed herself only two days before her own birthday.
Big Macintosh. BBBFF. Big Brother Best Friend Forever. A stallion of little words, and big actions. After their father had died, he taught Applejack everything about the farm, even after the two had grown up. For one who had dropped out of school, he sure was smart. Conversations with him were sometimes brief, but other times, they were long and memorable. Once Big Mac started talking about a topic he seemed to have interest with, he wouldn't stop until he told you everything he knew about it. From building a shed, to how flowers grow and even math equations, the stallion was a whiz. Applejack would never forget the days after their parents died; try as he might, Big Mac wouldn't stop until there was a smile on his little sister's face. He had always done that, been like a dad, in a way. His death was caused by an attack of timberwolves. It was never found out when he died.
By then, the backwoods of their acres had practically become a graveyard. Five pieces of stone, stuck in the ground, each one with a name carved into it, and a body laid to rest below the ground that faced them. Applejack was the only one running the farm now, and she did so with pride, despite the back-breaking and mental stress it put upon her. She'd never quit. She made a promise to herself about that, and she'd never break it, not even if her life depended on it. She'd run Sweet Apple Acres until the day she joined her family.
However, there was one pony, one who didn't lay to rest with her family.
Rainbow Dash. The pegasus that turned the farm pony's life upside down, in both good and bad ways. Applejack could admit, Dash drove her insane from time to time, but she let it slide. It seemed that 'charm' the pegasus had was overwhelming. They were inseparable, but after it happened...
Out of all the deaths that had hit her, that was it. Applejack could not take one more heart-wrenching memory. But, no matter what, it always came to haunt her from time to time and she visited. Visited Rainbow Dash. Where she was, dead, in the ground.
Unlike family, Dash's body was not moved from where it was found. Collapsed, against the worn autumn grass, russet leaves practically burying her. She had been there for so long... Nopony had bothered to worry at first, when they hadn't heard from her; because there was plans, they just didn't seem to work.
Rainbow Dash had planned to go to Los Pegasus for a week, by herself, and that was all everyone knew. It wasn't until the end of the week did ponies start worrying. Was she kidnapped? Hurt? Lost? Or was she just being Dash, and deciding to stay longer than planned? But, no. Anything but. Dash never even made it to Los Pegasus. She had crashed right out on the end of Sweet Apple Acres. Crashed right into a cliff, cut her wing on a rock, broke her other one along with a leg, and laid there. She tried walking, apparently, due to the investigation that was held after her death, but she died. From infection and blood loss. A slow, painful death.
With five deaths in her heart already, Applejack was torn. This was Rainbow Dash... She'd willingly admit it. She was in love with Dash, and, without a doubt, within the group of their friends and everypony else, AJ took the news the worst. What's worse is that these feelings were never told, not ever. She tried her hardest in hinting it, and she had even vowed to herself that once Dash came back home, she'd tell her feelings. But, sadly, that moment had never happened. And there, where Dash had been laying all these years, Applejack would always grow roses. A symbol of love, the one she had for Dash.
Like all of those who has passed away, AJ would visit them. Her mother on Mother's Day, her father on Father's Day, Granny Smith on Hearth's Warming Eve, Apple Bloom on her birthday and Big Macintosh on his. But, with that guilt of never confessing, sometimes, it got the best of Applejack and she'd visit more than once a year.
Although, always, always, on the day of The Running of The Leaves. Every year since the first time they raced together, they participated. But once Rainbow was gone, Applejack would, no matter what, race in the honor of the pegasus. And after the race, she'd visit. That was always a guarantee. But once in a while, guilt would creep up and she'd have no choice.
Why didn't she ever say anything? Why didn't she ever just take a chance, and go for it? Tell Rainbow everything? Was it fear? Maybe. However, all of her friends knew that Applejack was into mares. That was no problem. It was just sad that she never told them that she was actually into somepony. But then again, perhaps there was fear. Fear of rejection. Granted, it was also known that Dash seemed to swing the same way, but what if...
What if?
That was the question that was worth a million bits.
What if Dash was ok with it? What if she wasn't? What if she was unsure? What if she liked AJ back? What if she didn't?
... So many questions, not enough answers. No answers, actually.
Applejack wanted answers, so many.
She wanted everyone back. Everyone who had left her. So she could hold them close once more.
... Though, all she had was the memory of autumn leaves.
Author's Note
This fic is dedicated to mah bestie, RushingAutumnLeaves, we met one year ago, on Dec. 29th, on Fanfiction.net and ever since then, we've had crazy adventures that are legit stories full of swearing, random moments and other weird shit. And since she loves AppleDash so much, BAM! Wrote her a fic to thank her for always being there for me :3 (Ok, so this wasn't all AppleDash, but it was a decent sized portion of the story, so :P)
(Note: I did not realize the title to this had a connection to her username until I finished writing. Proof I am a complete dolt.)
(Note 2: I had planned to post this on the 29th, but I was just bored and didn't wanna wait, so whateva.)
