Equestrian Lampoon's Hearth's Warming Vacation

by bookplayer

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy
Length: 1850

Twilight, Applejack, and Fluttershy are stuck in a cave with the three most annoying ponies in recorded history.

When Twilight and her friends are given the chance to go back in time and watch the founding of Equestria first hoof, it seems like a dream come true for a student of history. It turns out that history isn't working quite like the books record it. Clover the Clever, Smart Cookie, and Private Pansy have all deserted their leaders, and it's up to Twilight, Applejack, and Fluttershy to step in and make sure Equestria gets founded.

. . . if they can keep from killing somepony first.

Based on a prompt by alexphoenixwing for the Secret Pony Fic Exchange.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-23 18:20:33 UTC

For Equestria

“Smart Cookie, I demand to know why there isn't a kitchen in this cave!” Chancellor Puddinghead shouted. While she didn't look like Pinkie at all, being a gray pony with a blue mane, Twilight noted from across the freezing, snowy cave that she was indeed wearing what looked like a large plum pudding tied to her head.

Applejack rubbed her head. Twilight could see that her patience was long gone, and for the past five hours or so, Applejack's sarcasm had been Equestria's last hope.

“Maybe they got room service,” she said dryly.

“That's acceptable,” Puddinghead said, nodding. The dessert threatened to fall off her head, but somehow maintained it's position. “Have them send up some hay fries, and a plate of cookies.”

Applejack just closed her eyes and thumped her head hard against the cave wall. Puddinghead remained oblivious to her frustration, along with just about everything else. Including the fact that Applejack was not actually her secretary, Smart Cookie.

Twilight brought all six of her friends back here to watch the original Hearth's Warming Eve. It had been a special trip, assisted by Princess Celestia, for advanced study. They were supposed to watch, safely hidden, as the tribes discovered  Equestria, then skip ahead to watch them emerge from the cave.

Twilight wasn't sure why she ever thought things would go according to plan.

As soon as they arrived, they noticed something odd. Namely, that three of the six founders of Equestria were missing. This seemed like it might be a problem, because they were the three who supposedly managed to preform the spell that saved the tribes. But Smart Cookie, Private Pansy, and Clover the Clever were nowhere to be seen.

So, as the land grew colder and Hearth's Warming approached, Twilight and her friends set out to find them. It wasn't hard, they were simply returning to their homes and families, happy to explain that they'd had it up to their ears with their leaders, and weren't wasting another minute on them.

With the fate of Equestria on the line, Twilight made a last ditch plan. She, Fluttershy, and Applejack resumed their parts from the Hearth's Warming pageant, while Dash, Rarity and Pinkie tried to talk the founders into returning. Twilight never thought there was a chance this would work, none of them actually looked like the ponies they had played, but the leaders hadn't noticed. It turned out that, as Applejack so eloquently put it, where the leaders had their heads, they were wearing their tails for hats.

“Clover!” Princess Platinum shouted, even though Twilight was standing right next to her. “The earth ponies are ordering room service! Take my order! And write it down, I don't want anything getting messed up.”

Twilight blinked at the gold-colored unicorn. “Princess, this is a cave. There's no room service.”

Commander Hurricane gave a loud sigh. “Idiots, all of you! Private, go out there and find us some food!”

“B-but, it's cold, and scary. . .” Fluttershy said, cowering back. While Applejack and Twilight were both thoroughly frustrated with their leaders, Hurricane had managed to terrify poor Fluttershy.

“It's about to get a lot scarier in here than it is out there, private!” The large green pegasus shouted in Fluttershy's face. Fluttershy jumped, tears in her eyes, and darted towards the cave entrance.

Applejack and Twilight exchanged a worried glance, then Applejack said quickly to Puddinghead, “The pegasi are sendin' a pony to gather food, Chancellor.”

“What? We're earth ponies! If there's food out there, we should be the ones gathering it! Go gather food!” Puddinghead pointed towards the mouth of the cave, and Applejack nodded. She hurried out into the snow after Fluttershy.

“What are they doing, Clover?” Platinum asked.

“Well, it appears that they're gathering food. . . based on the orders they just yelled across the cave.” Twilight said, rolling her eyes.

Platinum raised her eyebrows. “What are you waiting for?”

Twilight bit her tongue and followed her friends outside.

She found Fluttershy huddled in the snow, and Applejack angrily bucking the snow out of some trees, ignoring it as it fell on her head. “ARGH! That has gotta be the dumbest pony I ever met, and believe me, y'all, I met some really dumb ponies in my life. The Hearth's Warmin' pageant don't come close to this.”

“You're doing a good job, AJ. Just a little while longer.” Twilight reassured AJ, and gave Fluttershy a nuzzle. “Are you okay, Fluttershy?”

“You. . . won't let her hurt me, right?”

“Of course not, sugarcube. If she touches ya, she'll be eatin' my hooves.” Applejack gave another tree a hard buck for emphasis.

Twilight looked up, her eyes wide. “Applejack! You can't! We have to save Equestria!”

“If that good for nothin' Hurricane touches Fluttershy, we're just gonna haveta see how Equestria fares without her, Twi.” AJ said with her eyes narrowed at the cave.

“We can't change history!” Twilight insisted. “We just have to stay in there until they almost freeze to death, and perform the spell, and then I'll get us out of here.”

They were quiet for a moment.

“Any way we can hurry up that freezin' them part?” Applejack asked.

Twilight ignored her. “There's no food out here. Let's just get back inside before we freeze.”

Fluttershy hesitated for a moment. “. . . freezing sounds peaceful.”

“For Equestria!” Twilight said, shoving Fluttershy towards the cave door.

“For Equestria,” Applejack said with a sigh, following them inside.

“Did you find any food, Smart Cookie?” Puddinghead said to the clearly empty hooved, snow covered earth pony as soon as she stepped into the cave.

Applejack looked down at her hooves, then around at her body. “Dunno, Chancellor, how you ya' like snow?”

Puddinghead considered this. “With sugar and milk and a little vanilla.”

“Well we got that, 'cept for the sugar and milk and vanilla part.” Applejack started shaking the snow off.

“Good!”

“But it's just-” Applejack thought about trying to explain, then gave up, and and shoved a pile of snow from a small snow drift to her leader. “Never mind. Eat up!”

Puddinghead buried her muzzle in the pile, gulping the plain snow down nosily as AJ rubbed her face with her hoof.

Across the cave, Fluttershy tried to slink into a shadow unnoticed, but Hurricane flew right up to her. “So you failed, Private?”

“Um, yes ma'am.”

“What did you say?!” Hurricane shouted.

“Yes, ma'am?” Fluttershy said, slightly louder.

“Wrong!” Hurricane gave her a shove. “Pegasi don't fail! Get back out there, and don't come back into this cave until you found food!”

Twilight saw Applejack's eyes narrow, and her body tense. She shot AJ a pleading look, and AJ snorted and relaxed slightly.

Fluttershy trembled, and looked to Twilight. “But. . . um. . .”

Twilight glanced around nervously, looking for a way to keep Fluttershy in the cave with them. Seeing no alternative, she shot a quick bolt of magic at the cave entrance, filling it with a wall of ice. It had to ice over soon anyway, she reasoned.

Puddinghead noticed the way was blocked first. “Oh no! We're iced in! How will we get more snow?”

Applejack looked around at the snow drifts littering the freezing cave. “No idea.”

“We'll just have to grow some!”

The sheer stupidity of the statement caught AJ off guard. She just looked at Puddinghead, befuddled. “Grow. . . snow.”

“Yes! It has to work! It rhymes! Now start planting it.”

Applejack's eye twitched. “Chancellor?”

“Yes, Smart Cookie?”

“Exactly how many ponies dropped ya' on your head when you were a foal?”

“Hey! The pegasi know how to make snow!” Puddinghead said, ignoring the question.

“Of course! Hop to it, pegasi!” Platinum added.

“Why would you want more snow in a freezing cave that's full of snow and ice?!” Hurricane asked, incredulous.

“What else are we going to eat?” Platinum snapped.

“Rations are the earth ponies department!” the pegasus responded, pointing at the earth ponies side of the cave.

“Clearly the earth ponies do not have it under control, so it falls to you!”

“Why not you unicorns?” Hurricane said, narrowing her eyes. “Can't you just magic up some food?”

“Magic is a complicated and difficult field of study, and to do that would take-”

“A half a brain.” A voice came from the earth pony side. A voice Twilight recognized. She looked at Applejack, who smirked and gave her a wink.

“What did you say?” Platinum huffed, but she was looking at Puddinghead.

“I didn't say anything! Hurricane must have said it!”

“Don't look at me!” The commander snarled. “If I'm insulting you, you'll know it!”

Looking at the arguing leaders, Twilight noticed the ice growing on the edges of the cave, and the howling of the wind growing louder. She understood Applejack's plan, and muttered just loud enough for Hurricane to hear, “Of course if somepony was was insulting you, you'd have no idea.”

“Are you calling me dumb?” Hurricane shouted at Platinum.

“I said nothing of the sort! Puddinghead is the troublemaker here.”

“Troublemaker? I don't even know how to make trouble!”

“Um, I think we could spend a very long time on a list of things you don't know.”

Twilight looked up, surprised, and saw Fluttershy hiding behind her hair, with a small smirk on her face.

“Which one of you said that!” Puddinghead demanded.

“She did!” the other leaders answered in unison.

“That's it! I've had it with both of you!” The earth pony leader narrowed her eyes, looking between the other two. None of them noticed the ice creeping closer.

“Don't you dare talk to me like that, earth pony!

“What're you going to do? You wanna take this outside?” Hurricane gestured toward the door, not even noticing that her hooves were iced to the cave.

“Let's go!”

“You're both idiots!” Platinum huffed, as ice started to engulf her body. “You can't-”

“Now you want some of this too?” Hurricane offered, becoming similarly encased in ice.

“I'm not both idiots, I'm only one of them!” Puddinghead protested, as the ice began to reach her head.

“Will you shut-”

“What is wrong with you-”

“I'm only one idi-”

Twilight looked cautiously at the frozen leaders for a moment, then hurried to the center of the cave. Applejack and Fluttershy met her there and they huddled together, as the ice started to creep toward them as well.

“You guys ready? Everypony know the true meaning of Hearth's Warming?” Twilight asked with a nervous smile.

Applejack waited a beat, then said, “Bein' stuck in tight spaces with ponies who drive ya' crazy is better than freezin' to death?”

Twilight smirked. “You're a little off there, AJ.”

“Oh yeah, and I love ya' both.” Applejack added with a chuckle, as ice started to freeze their bodies.

“We love you too.” Fluttershy said, giving Applejack a nuzzle.

“That's more like it.” Twilight nodded. “And three, two, one. . .”

Twilight's magic went off, filling the cave with light and warmth, and Hearth's Warming, and all of Equestria, were saved.