Ponylandia

by PlusWon

Rating: teen
Tags: Pinkie Pie, Lyra, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Sex, Random
Length: 3742

A pony sketch show starring Pinkie Pie and Lyra

A sketch comedy inspired by shows like Portlandia, SNL, and Robot Chicken about the random and weird things that happen to the ponies who live Ponyville. The main stars are Pinkie Pie and Lyra. There are usually about 5-6 sketches per "episode."

Published 2012-01-18 10:12:08 UTC
Last updated 2012-01-19 03:40:13 UTC

Episode 1: There's an Applejack for That!

Sketch 1: There's an Applejack for That!

Applebloom is looking out over Sweet Apple Acres. All the trees are chock-full of apples. She gasps in horror at what is sure to be the most strenuous apple harvest ever.

Applebloom: Now how in the world ahm I supposed ta get all this done by the end a’ the season?

Suddenly, Pinkie and Lyra pop up next to her out of nowhere and chime out together

Pinkie and Lyra: There's an Applejack for that!

A helpless mare is trying to wave down a taxi in Manehatten. It is raining heavily and she has an umbrella with a hole in it, so she is soaking wet.

Helpless Mare: How will I ever get one of these taxis to stop for me?

Suddenly, Pinkie and Lyra magically pop up next to her.

Pinkie and Lyra: There's an Applejack for that!

Twilight Sparkle is trying to find a book in her tree library.

Twilight: How am I ever going to find this book

Spike waves the book in question around from atop a ladder that is leaning on a wall of books.

Spike: I found-

Suddenly, Pinkie and Lyra pop up, once more, knocking Spike off the ladder.

Pinkie and Lyra: There's an Applejack for that!

Suddenly, a pony outside of Twilight’s house points up towards the sky at an approaching fireball.

Pony: Oh my Celestia, an asteroid is heading straight towards us!

Pinkie and Lyra: There's an Applejack for that!

Pinkie and Lyra are now sitting in Sugarcube Corner, sharing a box of well-earned donuts.

Pinkie: Well that was fun, don't you think, Lyra?

Lyra nods.

Lyra: Yeah, there's practically an Applejack for everything!

Suddenly, Applejack storms into Sugarcube Corner and stop in front of Pinkie and Lyra. She huffs in anger.

Applejack: Have y'all been tellin' everypony that I'm some sort of all purpose fix everythin' pony?

Lyra looks around guiltily.

Lyra: What? We've done no such thing!

Pinkie shoots her a warning look.

Pinkie: Don't give her an inch, Lyra!

Applejack is not amused, nor is she afraid to show this.

Applejack: Now y'all better tell me what's goin' on or I'm goin' ta get really mad.

Lyra gives her an extremely guilty look and blurts out.

Lyra: It's not our fault there's an Applejack for almost everything!

Applejack: How 'bout an Applejack for gettin' y'all to stop tellin' everypony that there's an Applejack for that?

There is silence for a moment.

Pinkie: Sorry, there isn't an Applejack for that!

Sketch 2: All Quiet on the Western Shelf

Pinkie and Lyra knock on Twilight’s door. After a moment, she opens the door.

Twilight: Oh, hi girls! Are you here for those books you told me about earlier?

Pinkie and Lyra nod in unison.

Twilight: Okay, they're in the back room, but try to be quiet, because there are other ponies studying in there.

She glares at Pinkie Pie warily.

Twilight: That means you, Pinkie!

Pinkie: No problemo, Twilight!

Pinkie and Lyra trot to the back room and look around. Tank the Tortoise is sitting in a bench reading a book called Being a Fantastic Pet. Pinkie accidentally steps on a pencil. It breaks. Suddenly, Twilight pokes her head into the room.

Twilight: Shhh!

Pinkie nods. She and Lyra head over to the bookshelf where their book awaits. As they approach the book, Lyra shivers.

Lyra: Is it just me, or does this shelf feel slightly creepier than the rest of the library?

Pinkie nods in agreement.

Pinkie: I know. I was over there and I was like 'Ooooh, this feels like a library!', but then when I came over here I was like 'Ooooooohhhhh, this feels all weird!'

Lyra reaches out to grab the book, but suddenly, the book starts glowing and a bright yellow aura surrounds it. Lyra withdraws her hoof quickly.

Lyra: Do you see that?

Pinkie: It's glowing like a candle! I wonder if our book is a birthday cake!

Suddenly, Twilight pokes her head into the room.

Twilight: Shhhhh!

Pinkie and Lyra nod and Twilight leaves them to their business. They turn back towards the mystical book.

Pinkie: What do you think it wants?

Lyra: Maybe it wants to suck our blood or steal our souls or something like that.

Pinkie: That's a scary thought!

Lyra: I know, but we really need this book, so we’re going to have to face our fears.

Pinkie: Well I'm not touching it, no thanker tail yanker!

Suddenly, the book floats off the shelf and begins speaking to them.

Magical Book: Pinkie Pie and Lyra I-Don't-Know-Your-Last-Name, I have an important, life-altering message for you!

Lyra: How did you know my last name?

Magical Book: Because I'm a Magical Book of Magic and Stuff and Things!

Pinkie gasps.

Pinkie: Is that like the Magical Cupcake of Magic and Stuff and Things that I met the other day.

Magical Book: The exact same. I have multiple incarnations, kind of like The Doctor.

Lyra: Dr. Hippobreath?

The magical book flips its pages impatiently. It's way of shaking its head.

Magical Book: No, not Dr. Hippobreath. Nevermind. The point is that you are the Chosen Ponies!

Pinkie jumps up and down in excitement.

Pinkie: (shouting excitedly) You mean like chosen to eat cake!

Twilight stomps into the room and addresses the two ponies.

Twilight: I've had it up to my mane with you two! Out!

She points in the general direction of the aforementioned out. Pinkie and Lyra bow their heads and sulk out of the library. Twilight turns her wrath to the magical book.

Twilight: Magic Mike! Have you been telling ponies that they're the Chosen Ponies again?

The magical book bows in guilt.

Magical Book: Maybe...

Twilight: You should be ashamed of yourself, silly book! Go back to your shelf and stop causing trouble!

The magical book floats back onto its shelf and the bright aura around it fades. Tank giggles slowly. Twilight rears on him.

Twilight: What do you think your laughing at, little turtle?

Magical Book: Tortoise!

Twilight snaps at the book.

Twilight: Quiet you, you're still on probation!

Sketch 3: Cutie Mark Crusaders in: Breaking Badminton!

The Cutie Mark Crusaders are playing badminton. Scootaloo makes a goal.

Scootaloo: Do I have my cutie mark yet?

She examines her flank, but it is still bare.

Scootaloo: Aww...

Sketch 4: Hay! The Porno!

Two bales of hay are sitting in Applejack's barn. One of the bales of hay has blue binding and the other has pink binding. The Boy Bale hops over to the Girl Bale.

Boy Bale of Hay: Hey, baby.

The Girl Bale shifts sensually.

Girl Bale of Hay: Hi.

Boy Bale of Hay: Hay, I’ve lost a needle in my haystack, you think you could help me find it?

The Girl Bale shakes, hay body language for "Yes."

Girl Bale of Hay: Of course.

The hop next to each other. The Girl Bale rubs herself through the Boy Bale.

Girl Bale of Hay: Oh, Boy Bale, you're such a hunking stack of straw!

Boy Bale of Hay: Oh yeah, you know I am! Maybe the needle is on top of me.

The Girl Bale shakes and hops on top of the Boy Bale. She begins hopping up and down on top of him.

Girl Bale of Hay: Oh yeah!

Boy Bale of Hay: Oh yeah, shake that hay!

Mrs. Cake sighs at the hay porno and shifts uncomfortably on her bed.

Mrs. Cake: I hate it when they do this. They always show too much of the girl hay!

Mr. Cake walks into the bedroom.

Mr. Cake: Honey, what's going on? I thought I heard something in here.

Mrs. Cake turns off the hay porn quickly and turns to her husband, smiling innocently.

Mrs. Cake: What? Nothing. Nothing at all. Just sitting here.

Mr. Cake glares at her suspiciously.

Mr. Cake: Are you watching food porn again?

Mrs. Cake shakes her head unconvincingly.

Mrs. Cake: What? Of course not.

Mr. Cake sighs.

Mr. Cake: Why do you insist on watching that horrible stuff? Sometimes I think you don't love me.

Mrs. Cake: Of course I love you, I just need...other things every once in a while.

Mr. Cake gasps.

Mr. Cake What do you mean "other things?" Are seeing another stallion?

Mrs. Cake: What? How did you...I mean, no of course not!

Mr. Cake is becoming angry now.

Mr. Cake: I've loved you and stayed faithful to you all the years we've been married!

Mrs. Cake: I know. You just don't make me feel the way you used to make me feel.

As Mr. Cake bursts into tears and gallops out of the bedroom, he suddenly freezes mid-gallop.

Cheerilee turns from the TV to her class of fillies.

Cheerilee: And that's why you don't watch hay porn, children. Also, Pumpkin and Pound Cake, your parents are getting divorced!

Pumpkin and Pound Cake, who are sitting next to each other, are shocked and stunned, their mouths gaping like open doors. The school bell rings.

Cheerilee: Have a good afternoon, everypony!

Sketch 5: I'm Dreaming of a Green Spring

A crowd of ponies is gathered around Twilight as she shows off her newest invention to help clean up winter.

Twilight: (proudly) I call it a Giant Fan!

Twilight turns on the giant fan with a small switch. Suddenly, all of the snow on the ground in front of the fan blows away, revealing the green grass underneath.

Mayor: Wow, that's ingenious Twilight Sparkle.

Twilight nods and blushes a little.

Twilight: Yep, I know. I made it myself.

Suddenly, all the trees in the line of fire are ripped out by the roots and tossed into the buildings of Ponyville. Twilight chuckles awkwardly.

Twilight: Hehehe...I think I've done quite enough for the moment.

There is silence, but Applejack breaks it after a moment.

Applejack: Ya think?

The End!

Episode 2: Tom and Thom

Wow, some of these sketches turned out to be a lot darker than I originally intended. Enjoy!

Sketch 1: Equestrian Idol

Pinkie, Lyra, and Twilight are sitting behind a long judges table in Twilight’s library. A handwritten sign that reads “Equestrian Idol” is hanging from the front of the table.

Twilight: I still don’t understand why we have to do this at my house!

Pinkie shushes her.

Pinkie: Quiet, Twilight! First contestant, please!

The first contestant, a brown pegasus with a dark brown mane and an hour-glass cutie mark, trots onstage. He stops in front of the judge’s table and awaits their orders politely.

Lyra: Name, please.

Doctor Whooves clears his throat before answering them.

Doctor Whooves: Doctor Whooves.

Pinkie waves her hoof at him in a dismissive manner.

Pinkie: Go on then.

Doctor Whooves clears his throat once more and begins singing with his deep, but melodic voice.

Doctor Whooves: Throughout my life, I’ve always found a way to be awesome every single day-

Pinkie stops his song by holding up her hoof.

Pinkie: I’m going to stop you right there, Mr. Mister. That was the worst performance I have ever heard! I mean, I was just embarrassed being in the vicinity of that awful singing.

Doctor Whooves bows his head in disappointment.

Twilight: I thought it was really good-

But Pinkie cuts her off, continuing her rant.

Pinkie: I mean, I was embarrassed for the stars in the sky because you thought you could be one!

Lyra: I thought he was really good too-

Pinkie: I’ve never heard such an awful performance in my entire career as a party pony! And I’ve heard some bad voices in my time!

Twilight pulls Pinkie’s earbuds out.

Twilight: Pinkie, you were listening to Rebecca Blackstallion!

Pinkie blushes a little in embarrassment. She turns her attention to Doctor Whooves.

Pinkie: Oh…what did you say your name was again?

Sketch 2: MacBelle

Applebloom and Scootaloo are walking along the road leading through Ponyville.

Applebloom: Have ya seen Sweetie Belle around, Scootaloo?

Scootaloo shakes her head.

Scootaloo: No, I haven’t seen her all day.

Suddenly, they spy Sweetie Belle bounding towards them. She waves at them excitedly and comes to a stop in front of them.

Sweetie Belle: Guess what, everypony?

Applebloom and Scootaloo: What?

Sweetie Belle shows her two friends her flank. She has a cutie mark!

Scootaloo: Wow, Sweetie Belle, you got your cutie mark!

Applebloom stares at it in confusion.

Applebloom: What is it? It like some sort of gardening tool.

Scootaloo jumps up and down in excitement.

Scootaloo: Maybe you’re a gardener, Sweetie Belle.

Scootaloo raises her hoof. Sweetie Belle high hoofs her. Suddenly, Scootaloo drops to the ground. Applebloom gasps.

Applebloom: Wha’ happened?

Sweetie Belle is just as confused. Applebloom bends over and checks Scootaloo’s pulse, but there is no sign of her pulse.

Applebloom: She’s dead.

Applebloom’s eyes fill with tears. Sweetie Belle rests a compassionate hoof on Applebloom’s shoulder.

Sweetie Belle: How could such a thing have-

Suddenly, Applebloom also collapses onto the ground. Dead. Sweetie Belle gasps.

Sweetie Belle: Applebloom! NOOOOOOOOO!!!

Sweetie Belle gallops to Twilight’s library. She bangs on her door.

Sweetie Belle: Twilight! Twilight! Open up!

Twilight opens the door. She smiles cheerily at Sweetie Belle.

Twilight: Oh, hi Sweetie Belle. What brings you here?

Sweetie Belle rushes past Twilight, brushing her slightly as she passes the unicorn.

Sweetie Belle: I need one of your books. I think I’ve been cursed.

But there is no response.

Sweetie Belle: Twi?

She turns around to find Twilight dead on the ground. She gasps in horror.

Sweetie Belle: Why does everypony keep dying when I touch them?

She examines her cutie mark once more. It is a scythe!

Sweetie Belle: Oh no! My cutie mark must be…reaping! But not crops, ponies!

Dun dun dun!

To Be Continued?

Sketch 3: Twilight Shrine

Big Macintosh, who is carrying Twilight’s Smartypants doll in his mouth, looks around to assure that nopony is watching. He trots around to the back of the barn to a small shed. He opens the shed and steps inside. The shed is, in fact, filled with various pictures and drawings of Twilight, as well as an alter and a bronze statue of Twilight at the back of the shed. His own personal shrine to his true love. He wordlessly walks up to the alter and drops the Smartypants doll onto it. He bows to the Twilight statue.

Big Macintosh: Oh Great Goddess of Equestria, I have brought the sacrifice you wished.

Suddenly, the statue beings talking back to him with a melodic, but commanding voice.

Statue: You have done well to bring me this sacrifice, Big Macintosh. But I have another task for you, my most faithful servant.

Big Macintosh looks up at the statue expectantly.

Big Macintosh: Anything, oh Great One!

Statue: I want you to retrieve a copy of Magical Animal Transmogrification Spells for the unicorn Twilight Sparkle.

Big Macintosh bows and kisses the statue’s feet.

Big Macintosh: Yes, Great Goddess. Anything you say.

He turns and trots out of the shed, closing the door behind him. Suddenly, Twilight and Applejack emerge from behind the Twilight statue. Applejack shakes her head in disapproval at Twilight, who is trying to contain a fit of giggles.

Applejack: Now that’s jus’ plain ol’ mean, Twilight! Can I try it sometime?

Sketch 4: Pinkie Pie: Ace Detective!

Pinkie Pie is sitting at a desk in a small, cramped office. A placard on her desk reads “Detective Pie.” She is reclining in her chair and is resting her back hooves on top of her desk. Then, the door opens and Lyra walks into the office.

Pinkie: It was a quiet spring day the day she came to me. A pretty mare, but I’ve seen ‘em all before.

Lyra looks at Pinkie in confusion.

Lyra: To whom exactly are you talking?

Pinkie shakes her head.

Pinkie: Nopony. What do you want, sugar?

Lyra slaps a newspaper down in front of Pinkie. The front page of The Ponyville Noir reads “Bon-Bon Kidnapped.”

Lyra: It’s my friend Bon-Bon. She’s been kidnapped.

Pinkie picks up the newspaper and peruses it for a moment.

Pinkie: Do you know anypony who’d want to harm Bon-Bon?

Lyra nods.

Lyra: I know exactly who kidnapped her. It was this dragon.

She retrieves a photo of a purple baby dragon with green spines.

Lyra: His name is Spike. He’s the biggest crime boss in town. Bon-Bon owed him money, but couldn’t pay him back.

Lyra bursts into tears. Pinkie silently stares at the newspaper and the photo of the notorious crime boss.

Lyra: Please, Detective Pie, can you do something for her.

Pinkie: I wouldn’t usually take this kind of case, but the way she was crying ate at me in a way I couldn’t understand.

Lyra wipes away her tears.

Lyra: Seriously, who are you talking to?

Pinkie is staring at the wall intensely. Then, she turns towards Lyra and nods.

Pinkie: I’ll take the case, but I’m only taking this case so that I can awkwardly hit on you and then pretend not to like you.

Lyra nods in understanding.

Lyra: I understand.

--Pwnies--

Pinkie and Lyra watch as Rainbow Dash enters an abandoned warehouse at the edge of town.

Lyra: That’s Spike’s right hand pegasus, Rainbow Dash. She’s a brute, that one.

Pinkie shrugs.

Pinkie: The general atmosphere of rainbowness around her really compromises her authority.

Lyra shakes her head.

Lyra: Don’t underestimate her. She’s a colorful character.

Pinkie Pie bursts into loud, uncontrollable laughter. Suddenly, a gang of suit-wearing ponies descends upon the two intruders and grabs them.

Gangster Pony: What do we have here, see?

Gangster Pony 2: Looks like a couple a trespassers, see.

Lyra shoots Pinkie a dark look as the gangster ponies drag them into the abandoned warehouse.

Lyra: The joke wasn’t even that funny, Pinkie!

The gangster ponies throw Pinkie and Lyra in front of a purple baby dragon that is wearing a pinstripe suit and a red bow tie. He stands up from his makeshift throne and looks down on them.

Spike: Who do we have here, see?

Pinkie: It was a bad situation. It looked like we would never make it out alive.

Spike looks at her in confusion as she talks to the nothingness.

Spike: Who are you talking to?

Lyra: Right? She’s been doing that all day.

Pinkie steps towards Spike threateningly.

Pinkie: Release Bon-Bon or else!

Spike: Or else what?

Pinkie thinks for a moment, and then shrugs.

Pinkie: I don’t actually know, I just kinda said it.

Spike waggles a finger at her.

Spike: You shouldn’t just say things, see. It’s kinda weird. Truck stops!

Pinkie: What’s a truck stop?

Spike: I don’t know, I just kinda said it.

Pinkie: Touché.

Suddenly, the door of the warehouse bursts open and a group of police ponies rush in.

Police Chief Pony: Hands and hooves in the air, everypony!

Spike folds his arms across his chest and huffs.

Spike: You have no grounds for arresting me.

The Police Chief motions up where a cage containing Bon-Bon is hanging from the rafters of the abandoned warehouse.

Police Chief Pony: Kidnapping.

Spike: Oh.

Pinkie: So it looks like everything turned out alright in the end. Spike was arrested and Lyra got her friend back.

The Police Chief turns to Pinkie.

Police Chief Pony: Who are you talking to, Detective? Who is she talking to?

Lyra shrugs.

Lyra: I think she’s snapped, officer.

The Police Chief sighs.

Police Chief Pony: Looks like we’re going to have to put her into an institution.

--Pwnies--

Pinkie is sitting in a padded room, wearing a straightjacket. She is rocking back in forth in the fetal position.

Pinkie: So this is the end of our story, folks. The bad guy was defeated and I got the girl. All is well in the world.

Pinkie leans on a large pile of lint, snuggling with it.

Pinkie: It’s okay Lyra, you’re safe with me.

Sketch 5: Tom and Thom

Tom the Rock cries as he bounces away from Rarity’s house.

Tom: She abandoned me. How could she? I may as well just go jump off a cliff!

Tom hops to the edge of a cliff.

Tom: I love you Rarity!

Then, he jumps off. THUD! He hits the bottom, but doesn’t break. As he lies in the dark ravine, Tom begins crying erratically. Suddenly, a shaky, scared voice rises up from the darkness.

Thom: Who’s there?

Tom: No one. Just a lowly, heartbroken rock. Dashed to pieces by that terrible unicorn.

There is silence for a moment, and then another rock bounces out from the darkness.

Thom: I’m a heartbroken rock as well. I was broken apart by an evil filly named Rarity long ago. She stole all my jewels and left me to die.

Tom: Hey, a unicorn named Rarity broke my heart too. Must be the same pony.

Thom: I hate Rarity.

Tom: I do too!

The two rocks cuddle next to each other.

--Pwnies--

After a few months, Tom and Thom are sitting in a restaurant in Ponyville at a candle-lit table.

Thom: Oh Tom, the past few months have been the best months of my life.

Tom: Yeah, about that…

Suddenly, Tom cracks open to reveal a giant diamond. Thom gasps.

Thom: Oh Tom, is this what I think it is?

Tom: Thom, will you marry me?

Thom jumps up on the table excitedly.

Thom: Of course I’ll marry you, silly rock!

--Pwnies--

Princess Celestia is standing in front of Tom and Thom in a church. There are numerous ponies gathered for the momentous wedding.

Princess Celestia: We are gathered here today to witness Equestria’s first geosexual marriage! Before we proceed with the vows, are there any objections to this marriage?

Suddenly, Rarity steps up.

Rarity: I do!

Everypony gasps. Tom and Thom turn to Rarity at the same time.

Tom and Thom: Rarity?!

Rarity gallops up to Thom.

Rarity: Oh Thom, I’m so glad I got here in time. I love you!

Thom gasps.

Thom: You…you love me?

Rarity nods.

Rarity: I’m so sorry for leaving you all those years ago, Thom.

Thom hops over to Rarity.

Thom: It’s okay, Rarity.

Rarity: Thom, will you take me back?

Thom: Of course I will, Rarity!

Rarity squeals in delight. Then, Rarity and Thom skip off together. Tom is shocked speechless for a moment. Then he roars mightily.

Tom: Curse you Rarity!

The End.