Tournament of the Wraiths

For the past couple of days, the Wraiths were lounging around Ponyville due to a lack of missions, and general convenience. Dean was busy pestering the locals. James and Amy had decided to give Appleloosa a break from James’ horrendously bad luck by traveling with Braeburn to visit his cousins. Sarah, Arlosia and Jav had stopped by to say hi to Dean and kick James in the balls if she found him again.

Alex was… well... being Alex by cheering on O’Leary as he was winning a drinking contest against most of the town at the bar. Kate was helping Fluttershy take care of some animals, with Father Johan’s help. Michael was at the library trying not to go insane by meditating, while Jay was reading some Daring Do books on the couch. Tech was training out in the fields with Rainbow Dash watching.

But you don’t actually care about that do you? So let’s take a closer look at what shenanigans these Maniacs have managed to pull off so far.

~~~Dean, James, & Amy~~~

Dean was walking over towards Sweet Apple Acres to see if Applejack needed ‘help’ with anything, when he heard some commotion from the other side of the barn.

“A-Amy, is this really necessary?”

“Shut it James and hold still, it’s hard to aim with you moving around.”

Dean hid behind the trees as he made his way over to the duo. He peeked around the corner and saw that James was tied to one of the barrels and had an apple tied to the top of his head, while his sister Amy was trying to shoot it off with her bow. The misses she had were only by an inch or less and, luckily for James, were not in his general direction.

“But do you really need to use ME as a prop for your targets? There are apples EVERYWHERE for Christ’s sake! Shoot one of them!” Amy smiled a sickly innocent smile.

“Death said that we needed to work on our accuracy, though I’m pretty sure that was directed more towards you than me.” James was struggling against the ropes in a vain attempt at escape.

“And like dad always said, ‘anyone can shoot an apple that’s hanging from a branch; A real marksman can shoot one off of a man’s head’, but seeing as the only one here that I can use is you, I’ll just have to settle for that.” Amy fired another arrow and hit the apple dead center, splitting it in half. Dean grinned as he prepared for his entrance.

“‘WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM’ KICK!!” Dean flew into the area and landed his attack right into James’ face. Time seemed to slow down as his skin rippled from the impact around Dean’s feet before he was sent rolling down the hill screaming. Amy stared at Dean as he stood where her brother just was. Dean smiled and turned to the dumbfounded woman. “Worth it.” Amy smiled as she shook off her surprise and gave Dean a high five.

“Totally, and I can safely say I wasn’t expecting that.” They began walking towards town talking about the latest adventures they’ve had as they watched James scream and roll into the distance.

~~~Father Johon & Kate~~~

Kate leaned down and held some seeds out for some birds. A cardinal landed on her wrist and began to eat out of her hand. Fluttershy came out from her house with a fresh bag of animal food for the other critters, and Johon was inside tending to some injured ferrets. Kate stood up and was petting the bird when screaming could be heard in the distance. Confused, she and Fluttershy looked in the general direction of Sweet Apple Acres and saw a brown dot growing in the distance.

The scream grew louder as the dot grew bigger and passed by heading for the Everfree forest. Shortly after, Dean and Amy came walking down the road. Dean was laughing his ass off.

“Oh wow, he’s still going.” Kate walked over and stared in the direction the brown dot traveled with concern written on her face. Johon leaned out of the window with a ferret on his shoulder looking down the road then back to Dean.

“Dean, what was that?” A loud roar could be heard from the forest and the dot form earlier shot into the air. They all watched as the spec screamed through the air before landing in Ponyville. Amy shook her head and started walking again.

“Come on Dean, Let’s make sure he’s still alive.” She stopped and turned to Johon. “We’re probably going to need your help with this.” Johon sighed and came out of the cottage. Kate and Fluttershy looked at each other confused before following the rest.

~~~Sarah, Valentine, & Arlosia~~~

Sarah was walking down the path to Ponyville with Arlosia riding on her shoulder and Jav walking to her right. They were passing the fields outside and saw some douche doing pushups with a rainbow maned pegasus hovering over him. She decided to ignore him as she got a weird feeling. Like she needed to hurt someone that was nearby. Looking up she saw a brown dot flying through the air screaming before it crashed into the town.

“Arlosia, Hang on.” Sarah began running as she was lured into town by the mysterious flying object. Jav said nothing as he followed her. They had reached a bar and found a pit full of splinters that was in the shape of James. And leading away, were drag marks. Jav decided to speak up.

“The hunt is afoot.” Arlosia was barely hanging on as Sarah charged in the direction of the tracks. Jav calmly followed with a smile on his face.

~~~Alex & O’Leary~~~

Ponies were cheering on O’Leary as he chugged his ninety-ninth pint of beer, Alex had resorted to taking bets from others and had somehow managed to collect a pretty hefty sum. The contestant, the workhorse Big Macintosh, sat across from him and was swaying back and forth even more than a see-saw. Before anyone could blink Big Mac tipped backwards and went out like a light. The crowd went wild as Alex handed back money, only one person in the bar did not join in.

“Aww but I wanted me hundredth pint!” Alex chuckled and stood on one of the tables.

“Do ya want to see this man ‘ere drink a hundred pints of beer!” The ponies started chanting.

“Hundred pints, hundred pints!”

“Well then, lets give ’im a hundred pints!” Reaching to his side he pulled out something that looked a lot like a small fridge. Opening it he pulled out a cup that contained a very strange looking drink.

“Laddies, I introduce you to a very special drink. This is called the Mysterious Fermented Liquid. I have no idea what’s in it, but one sip got me so drunk I forgot the rest of the week!” He placed it in front of O’Leary. “Drink up lad, it’s good for you!”

Smiling O’Leary picked up the drink and brought it up to his mouth and chugged the whole thing. The bar was silent until O’Leary hiccuped and fell on his face, out cold. Alex simply shook his head.

“He must have been nuts to drink the whole damn thing. Well show’s over folks, time for me to bring this guy home!” Alex picked up O’Leary by the arm and left the bar, carefully stepping over the unconscious drunks that littered the floor. As he got outside, a brownish blur crashed into the ground. When the dust settled, there was an imprint of a man that was three feet deep, and filled with splinters of wood and metal.

“Ah James, I see ye decided to drop in.” A groan could be heard from the crater.

“That was a horrible pun Alex.”

“You know ye like it. Anyways care to help a young man drag this irish buffoon back to the library?” James slowly got out of the hole wincing as he moved.

“What did he do?” Alex looked back at O’Leary and poked his side.

“He thought it would be a good idea to drink the most powerful drink in Azeroth after ninety nine pints of beer.” James just blinked.

“He’s not going to be happy when he wakes up is he?”

“Nope, not one bit. Now could you grab his other arm, he’s really heavy.” James made his way over to O’Leary’s side and hoisted him up. The trio then departed for Twilight’s library.

~~~Michael & Jay~~~

The library was silent as the two wraiths sat inside. Michael had finally gotten over his mental breakdown and resorted to reading a book on metallurgy. Meanwhile, Jay was sitting on a the stairs as he read the fifth book in the Daring Do series.

“This Daring Do character is quite fascinating.” Michael simply stared.

“She’s illogical.” Jay smiled and began laughing as Twilight came down the stairs.

“Not in this world she ain’t” Michael’s eye twitched.

“‘Ain’t’ is not a word, I swear you should have learned this in middle school.” Twilight looked at the duo and sighed. They’d been doing this for the last five hours. She had sent Spike over to help Rarity just to keep him at a safe distance incase Michael went nuts. There was a knock on the door and Michael looked up from his book.

“I got it.” Standing up he set the book down and pulled the door open, revealing James and Alex as they walked in dragging an unconscious O’Leary behind them. Alex spoke up.

“What’s up bitches, it is I. Theodore Roosevelt, you can call me Teddy.” James facepalmed and dragged O’Leary to the couch next to Jay, collapsing next to the drunk Irishman.

“Damn James, what happened to you?” James groaned in pain as he popped his back, sounding more like a machine gun than a spine.

“Don’t ask...Just...Don’t ask.” Suddenly the window shattered as Sarah jumped through and quickly kicked James in the balls, sending him crashing into the ceiling as he cried out a feeble ‘why’.

“Found you.” Turning around Sarah suddenly hugged Alex. As Twilight seemed to be twitching along side Michael.

“What did you do to my window!”

“And how the fuck did you jump up two stories?!”  Panting could be heard from the stairs as Arlosia had just gotten up the stairs and was staring at the scene. Suddenly Sarah started hugging her leaving Alex to gasp for air. James was peeling himself from the ceiling and landed with a thud on the ground. He groaned with even more pain as he turned to Michael.

“I’ve learned that with Sarah, ‘If there’s a will, there’s a way.’ and she will ALWAYS find a way.” He winced as he stood up “Especially when it involves my pain.” Sarah smiled and stared at James with a dark gleam in her eyes.

“Of course, you simply ask for it.” Before anyone could continue Alex cleared his throat.

“I don’t mean to interrupt but where in the Twisting Nether is Dean?” James thought for a moment before turning to the insane wizard.

“Judging by my trajectory and my path of painful travel. I’d say he’s around the fields outside of Ponyville in the direction of Fluttershy’s cottage.” everyone stared at him with mixed expressions of awe and confusion. “What? Just cause I’ve been hit in the head over a hundred times mean I can’t be smart?” Alex blinked, then grinned evilly.

“Well then hold on, I’ll get us to him in a jiffy.”

~~~Tech~~~

The field was littered with broken pieces of wood as Tech was in the center completing his hundredth sit-up. Rainbow Dash watched from above, impressed that he had managed to last this long without collapsing from exhaustion.

“You done down there?” Tech stopped and looked up to see Rainbow sitting on her cloud. He waved and she glided down.

“Almost, I still have another twenty to go.” Tech finished his rep and got up. “Then I got a few more things to break.” He gestured over to the remaining targets and training dummies. Before Rainbow could retort Dean came up from the other hill, followed by Kate, Amy, Johon, and Fluttershy. Dean waved at him.

“Hey Tech, what are you doing!”

“Just training, hey do you know what that screaming was earlier?” Amy laughed.

“Oh that was just James, I wonder where he landed?” Just as she finished that sentence a flash came from their left, Alex stood there surrounded by Twilight; Michael; Sarah; Arlosia; Jav; O’Leary on a couch; James, And Jay. With Alex looking like he about to pass out.

“I hate mass teleportation.” James looked like he was about to lose his lunch.

“Me too bro, me too. I think he left my stomach back at the library.” Twilight stared at Alex in awe.

“How did you do that, I can’t even do that!?” Alex chuckled softly.

“Years of drinking Crystal Pepsi my friend. I need food.” Reaching to his side he pulled out what appeared to be a small glowing ball, he then shoved it into his mouth. Dean stared at him.

“You saved a soul?” Alex smiled.

“Multiple.” Before Dean could respond Rainbow spoke up.

“That was awesome! I’ve never seen anypony teleport that far! You must be really powerful to do that.” Before Alex could talk Sarah pushed Rainbow in the thigh.

“Bullshit! I’m the most powerful one here!” Dean stepped up.

“No fucking way, I am!” James, the idiot that he is, interrupted both of them.

“You’re both wrong, I clearly am the strongest one here!” Before anyone had time to blink Sarah, Dean, and Alex kicked James in the balls at the same time. It was about then Death showed up, while James was muttering something about ‘deserving that’.

“What seems to be the issue? I could hear you from MY realm.” At once every wraith went on a speal about who was strongest. Death snapped his fingers and they all became silent. “So you all want to know who is the strongest?” Everyone nodded (Except O’Leary, Still drunk) and Death smiled.

“Then I have just the idea. How about a tournament?” Everyone looked confused while Death just beckoned them to follow. “Hmm, If this is going to work then we’re going to need someplace to do this.” Death turned to the field and smiled “This will do nicely.”

~~~The ARENA~~~

Using his power, Death made an arena for the tournament to take place in. The large building consumed most of the field that was before them, and was three stories high. He turned around and smiled at everyone.

“Would you like a tour?” The wraiths looked at each other before following him inside. The halls for the contestants were blocked by a forcefield that prevented any who weren’t in the battles from entering, While spectators had paths leading to concession stands and betting tables. Death lead the group to the stands and Dean let out a whistle.

“Damn, this place is HUGE!” There were thousands of seats surrounding a circular, half-a-town sized arena that were protected with a similar forcefield to the ones from before. Some of the spots had HD displays hanging from the forcefield and there were eight VIP boxes set up along the seats, the northernmost box was even decked out to royal standards for the princesses. There were also cloud seats for pegasi.The battlefield itself was just some grass from the field that used to be there.

“It will be more interesting when the battles take place.” As if to emphasize his point, Death snapped his fingers and the grass was replaced with rubble, then some small buildings, then molten rock before turning back to grass. If Sarah’s face could have gotten paler, it would have along with the others (except O’Leary who was still drunk) as she turned to Death. She was about to say something when Twilight beat her to the punch.

“IS THAT EVEN LEGAL!?” Death just laughed and looked at the ponies.

“Don’t worry about anything, the forcefield will keep you and your friends safe and none of the contestants will be fatally injured. Any injuries received in battle will be taken care of with the most delicate care, the most I’ll let happen is a severed limb or two. I’m not even going to use the lava pit. Anyways I’m giving you all three days to decide who will be participating. If you would like to, return that spot there in the arena.” Death pointed to a glowing circle in the center of the arena that had become a podium. “Until then, I suggest you start training.” Death left the dumbfounded wraiths and ponies with no more than a poof.

Three days passed and the ten wraiths that had decided to participate returned to the arena. Kate didn’t want to from the beginning and Sarah wouldn’t allow Arlosia cause she was only twelve, she also made sure that Jav would watch over her. Word had spread and ponies from all over were coming to see ‘the battles of the century’. Ponies were pitching tents outside with merchandise of the participants ranging from Dean plushies to James salt shakers that didn’t want to stay upright for some reason. At the center of the arena, Dean, James, Amy, Tech, Michael, Sarah, Johon, Alex, Jay, and O’Leary were standing in front of Death, who had taken the pleasure of putting on a referee shirt that was three sizes too small and was sitting at a table with Pinkie and for some reason Louis Cypher who were there to add commentary. Pinkie suddenly jumped to her mic while drawing in a large breath.

“GOOOOOOOD MORNING EVERYPONY!! Welcome to the first ever Wraith Fighting Tournament Extravaganza!” Death grabbed a microphone that stood next to him and addressed the competitors.

“Are you all who have decided to fight?” Everyone gave a nod and Death made a monitor appear behind him. Louis Cypher grabbed his mike and stood on the table.

“Let’s introduce the competitors!” Louis pointed at the group starting from left to right. As he said their name they appeared on the displays that littered the area above the arena for the spectators on the higher levels.

“First we have The Glacier, The Ivory Fucker, Don Marcelo, That One Asshole, and The Soul Reaver, Dean Marcelo!” Dean waved to the crowd and cheers erupted. Twilight seemed to be cheering the loudest.

“Next we have Stoner Jesus, and The Stone, Jay!” Most of the ponies were confused at who Jesus was before more cheers came from the crowd.

“To his right we have,The Storm, and The Rapid Fister, Techno Bassboost! Who the fuck has the name Bassboost?” Luna cheered slightly louder at the mention of Tech.

"Next is, The Priest, Johon!" Some of the ponies cheered.

“Next up is The Irish Inferno, The Drunk Bastard, Disco Man, Fairies Pimp, The Burning Sociopath, and The Flame, James O’Leary!” Every drunk in the stands cheered.

“And after him is He Who Has Put His Dick in Everything, The Sunderer (Don't Ask About it), Everything Wrong in Existence, Mistake of the Century, That Asshole Who Ruined the Universe(s), Timekeeper's Employee of the Forever, Lich King's Maker,  Monster Factory, Father of All Evil, Man of a Thousand STDs, Bringer of the Burning Legion, Azeroth's Pimp, Murphy's Bitch, The Biggest Fuck-Up in Existence, Worst Drunk in Known History, Moron That'll Fuck Just About Anything, and The Scottish Buffoon, Alexander Harris! Damn that mage is awesome.” Dean’s eye twitched and Celestia cried out a shocked ‘What!?’ as Louis finished. Alex then called out.

“Only two of those titles are fake.” At that every single being in the arena was looking at him in quiet fear.

“Next is The Psycho Lesbian, That One Bitch, Patchwork, Pin Cushion, PMS Everyday, Cavernous Deeps, and The Shadow, Sarah!” Most of the ponies were cheering out of the mandatory need to cheer for a competitor and the fear that if they didn’t she’d find them.

Our next competitor is The Punching Bag, The Failure, He Who is Blamed for All, Sarah's Hacky Sack, Tool, The Nutless One, Canadian Idiot, and The Sun Soldier, James Hindenburg! Wow this guy... I have no words.” Only the ponies from Appleloosa were cheering immediately but the crowd eventually started cheering. Amy raised an eyebrow and turned to her brother

“Really?” James just gave an awkward grin and rubbed the back of his head.

“Next is The Logical One, The Master of Metal, All Logic All The Time, and The Tinman, Michael!” Cheers as were quite usual by now.

“And finally, we have The Unfortunate Sibling, Mistress of Wolves, and That Other Bitch, and The Moon Hunter, Amy Hindenburg!” Most of the crowd cheered for her and it wasn't anything special.  Death waved his hand, causing the screen to change, the cards flipped and spun around the milky white background. A chart fazed in and the facedown cards took a spot at the bottom..

“The Rules are as follows. If you lose in one fight you will be sent to the loser’s bracket. If you lose a second time or forfeit, you will be disqualified.” Death pointed to the longer parts of the chart. ”Restrictions are not allowed in the lower fights, as you progress you will be allowed to use your higher caliber attacks, breaking this rule will have you removed from the battle. Whoever makes it to the Finals and wins is titled Champion.”

The wraiths started at the screen in Death Pointed his finger at the chart and the cards flipped over. The first rounds had been decided.

“What, I have to wait?” Sarah was looking at her spot on the chart. She and Jay had to wait for the first two rounds to be finished before they would even get to know who their opponents were. Death smiled and turned to her.

“There are ten of you. that doesn't come out as a perfect chart.” James was looking at his and Amy’s place on the chart. He was going to have to fight Michael and if he won that, Jay. Amy was going up against Dean her first round.

“Think we’ll be going up against each other Amy?”James noticed that if they both kept winning it would come to them duking it out.

“If it does comes to that, you better not hold back.” Amy put her hand on his shoulder. “And you better not throw any fights just to keep that from happening. If you do, I’ll kick your ass after the contest.” James gave her a quick nod in response. Dean and Jay were conversing about the matter in about the same way. Tech was glancing nervously at Sarah. O’Leary was somehow still drunk, but was able to stand at least. And Alex, seemed to be eating a piece of pie. Death made the chart vanish and the ground lit up showing the path to the locker rooms. Once the wraiths had left, he along with Pinkie and Louis all stood up and looked at the crowd.

“Without further ado, LET THE BATTLES BEGIN!” Confetti showered the audience and cheers rang through the arena. In the locker rooms the wraiths were conversing casually as they waited to be called forth. An announcement echoed from the arena.

“The first round of the competition, will be James vs. Michael!” The screen above the doorway soon flashed with James and Michael’s pictures. Meanwhile in the locker room, Michael grabbed his weapon from his seat and started walking to the door.

“Well looks like we’re up.” James followed shortly after checking his holsters and gave him a brofist.

“Yep, may the best man win.” The doorway closed after they had left and the wraiths were left in the room.