You Know you want it ... I think

by Rex Ivan

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance
Length: 3987

Twilight X Pinkie SEX number

Twilight Sparkle casts a spell that allows her to see how many sexual partners every pony in Ponyville has had, and she has to deal with her own reactions to what she sees. Comedy that deals with adult situations in a childish way. Nothing very explicit at all.

This was for a writing group, using the theme of "write MLP fiction based off of a song". My song of choice is 'Everyone Else has had More Sex than Me" by TISM. I suggest watching the video on youtube to better understand this story.

EDIT: Comments contain spoilers, and a very short omake (meaning non canonical, but fun anyway) epilogue by Fluttersnipe.

MLP and the song this story is based from are NOT mine in any way, and are the properties of their respective owners only. This is a fan work.

Published 2011-09-03 19:43:17 UTC
Last updated 2011-09-03 21:31:35 UTC

Chapter 1

You Know You Want It … I Think

WTG week 7 – theme based off of a song

Song of Choice: Everyone Else Has Had More Sex Than Me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YwNVE37BGVE

By Rex Ivan

***

Males of the orb-weaver spider (genus Argiope) die in copula without female 'collaboration', as was previously suspected due to observations of similar cannibalistic spider species. Further study has provided evidence of an immediate and invariable death of the male during insertion of their second tier reproductive organs, regardless of whether they mate with a newly moulted defenseless female or an older mature female that would be prone to attack.

Twilight Sparkle read the description again, out loud this time. She closed the book with a sigh and turned to her dragon familiar.

“You see Spike, the male spider would rather die than not engage in an act that would further the population of his species. Whether it's due to instinct or the choice to follow his libido, has no real bearing on the outcome. He still performs the act and he still dies. He doesn't care what happens to him, as long as he is able to be with another in the most intimate of ways. Don't you see, Spike?!”

“Um … no, not really? Hey … did you get any sleep last night? Is that why you're thinking about odd ball stuff so early in the morning?” The baby dragon eyed her over his bowl of garnet and topaz stones.

She let out a sign of frustration and disgust before trying to explain. “What I mean, Spike, is that there are creatures out there copulating right now for the first, last, and only time in their entire existence. They are ready and willing to give up their lives for the progress of the 'herd', as it were. However, our species doesn't have to worry about that, at least not to my knowledge.” She paused and put a hoof to her chin in thought for a moment. “Well, even if there were somepony with an affliction like that, they would be in an incredibly small minority. So, to spell it out, there should very well be SOME pony around here willing to treat me to a roll in the hay.”

Spike nearly choked on his breakfast. After a sputtering and gagging fit, he was able to get himself under control to ask the question that concerned him most. “You've never gone after this sort of thing before, Twilight. Why now? Did something happen?”

“It was last week, after Rainbow Dash got back from her 'private lessons' with the Wonder Bolts. That was the first thing that set me off. Would you believe that I ACTUALLY thought she was getting flying lessons from them? Real flying lessons, I mean. I felt so silly when she had to take me aside and explain to me what they had been doing. Oh, that was embarrassing in so many ways.”

She took a long slurp of the highly caffeinated cold beverage sitting on her desk before continuing. “It really made me see how naive I've been towards everything. It all fell into mortifyingly clear focus when I recalled the excuses our friends use, and the frequency with which they use them. The 'special private parties' Pinkie throws for her stallion friends, the times Rarity asks her debutant suitors over for 'tea', and all the 'special family reunions' on Apple Jack's farm that nopony else is allowed to drop in on; everything all falls into place with retrospect. I just feel like a total foal for not seeing it sooner. So after you eat your breakfast I'm going to need you to help me hunt down some volumes for me while I work on a plan to fix this problem.”

“OK, first off, Rarity really does just have tea with her socialite friends. She wouldn't lie about that, Twilight. Really.” Spike shot her a stern look, causing her to momentarily stop working on the diagram she was beginning to sketch out. She gave him a small sad smile and allowed him to continue. “Secondly, how do you know that they're actually rolling in each others hay, or how ever you want to put it? Do you have any real proof of that, or is this just your imagination running wild from sleep deprivation?”

“Spike, you don't need sleep when you've got Awake-Alert Spells. Well, you don't need MUCH sleep.” She took another long sip from her cup. “But, honestly, Spike I don't really expect you to make these connections, since you still have as innocent a mindset as I had up until recently.”

“Humph! Last I heard, having an innocent mind wasn't a crime. Besides, even if your friends are all doing their own thing, so what? It's not like it's something you've never done yourself. Twilight …? Are you OK? You dropped your pencil.”

“I'm fine Spike. Finish up your breakfast, and then I have some chores for you to do out in town.” She hurried about her drawing desk moving a protractor and straight edge to mark down a few shapes on the page.

“Didn't you just say that you needed me to get a few books for you?”

“That was before I remembered the things you have to do in town today. There are a lot of them too, so you should hurry up and finish eating so you can get started. As it is you'll likely be out all day or nearly so.” She concentrated until the glowing tip of her horn burst into a flash of light, producing a sizable stack of paper on the table in front of her assistant. “Best hurry along then.”

*****

After he had left, Twilight realized that Spike may very well have been right. She could very well have been blowing the entire situation out of proportion. She had no real way of knowing just how active all the residents of Ponyville were in their bedtime endeavors. She did, however, know of a way she could find out.

It took most of the morning for Twilight to find the proper spell book and gather the components for it. After a few rehearsals she made the cast. This one seemed to go off with a minimum of flash and spectacle. She was glad of this, since she didn't really want to have to explain something so embarrassing to the rest of the town.

She tested her new ability with a glance in the mirror. Her joy that the spell had worked was quickly overshadowed by the implications of the singular red numeral printed just above her cutie mark. She knew that when she walked outside every other pony would have a number as well. She knew that she would be the only one able to see the bright red numbers, but it didn't spare her the embarrassment of knowing that hers would be the lowest one.

Twilight slowly felt her heart sinking into her stomach. She turned away from her reflection with half a frown. She looked back again to the book still open on her desk.

“What a horrible sense of humor you have … “ She scowled down at the book, her shoulders hunching slightly. “I guess ... I should have specified that I wanted you to show me the number of ponies, BESIDES one's own self, that everypony has had sexual encounters with.“ She frowned deeper as she turned to stared down at the red number 'one' magically stamped on her upper flank. She felt her eyes start to swell with tears, before crushing them back with clenched eyelids.

“Fine. You want to be a jerk of a spell book, that's just fine. I ought to toss you in the fireplace right now.” Slowly the book closed itself and floated up to it's rightful place in the shelf on the far wall. “I'll remember this next time I need anything from YOU.”

*****

It took about another half hour before Twilight was emotionally prepared to journey outdoors. What greeted her nearly made her want to turn right around, lock the door, and go cry in her pillow till the spell had worn off.

“T … thank you … I was expecting this letter … today.” The cock-eyed mail mare laughed dimly and nodded before flying off to make her next delivery. Twilight watched her fly off, all the while staring at the double digit number emblazoned just above her cutie mark.

She sighed to herself. “Observe objectively. Observe objectively.” She whispered the mantra to herself as she walked down the street looking at the ponies all passing by, sneaking a glance at their flanks as casually as she could without seeming like a pervert.

After a while, Twilight began to doubt if it matter that she looked like a pervert or not. Judging from the numbers she was seeing, she wouldn't be surprised if most ponies were completely indifferent to her staring at rump.

At length Twilight found herself standing outside of Carousel Boutique. She stood at the door a moment, partially frowning as she found herself wondering if she really wanted to know. After taking a deep long breath, she opened the door and stepped inside.

Immediately she was greeted by her smiling unicorn friend, who seemed to have been making her way to the door as Twilight walked in. “Oh, what a surprise, Twilight Sparkle. What brings you to my FABulous establishment today?”

“Oh … you know me. I'm just wandering around aimlessly … looking ...” Twilight craned her neck to look past the violet ribbon of hair that coiled between her sight and her friend's flank.

“Oh … really? Well, I've never known you to be one to aimlessly do anything. Could it be that … perhaps, you've heard of the new dress designs I'm working on?”

“Well … yes! You caught me. That's just what I was wondering about.” Twilight smiled sheepishly as lied to her friend.

“Oh HO! You can't fool me. Here, I've only just finished touching up my latest pattern. Come over this way and I'll present them to you.” Rarity turned to walk over to one of the dress maker's ponies standing silently in the corner. “Now, if you'll just notice this … Twilight? Oh, my deary, are you feeling alright? You suddenly look so pale. Here, let me help you lie down, and I can fetch you a nice soothing cup of tea. It's so relaxing and it will- Twilight, wait! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?” She shouted after the galloping purple unicorn to no avail.

“Well! It's not like I asked her to model anything for me … “ With a slight pout the seamstress walked back into her shop.

*****

As Twilight sped down the street, all the ponies zooming past turned to a blur of bright colors. No details were attached to any of them, except for the red numbers that burned their way into her mind. Single digits blended together as she ran, turning to double digits before being added to more numerals and compounding exponentially in Twilight's mind. Mathematics ran a muck as they overtook the rational processes in the unicorn's brain, and soon, she found herself unintentionally calculating pi to the twentieth decimal place. She clenched her eyes shut as she moved forward, trying not to scream out in frustration as tears began to stream down her face.

THUMP!

Twilight opened her eyes to see who she had collided with. As her vision began to focus, she was greeted with a bright red number marked onto a wine colored coat, inches away from her face. Twilight blinked several times before her head cleared enough to realize that the pony laying on top of her wasn't moving very much at all. She shook her head as she sat up, and more fervor fell away from her brain.

She managed to pull herself out from under the heap of an earth pony before realizing that she had run right into Berry Punch. Predictably, the pony smelled of liquor and now seemed to be taking a nap in the middle of the street. Twilight reached down to wrap a leg around her shoulders and drag her towards the side of a nearby building, where she could sleep it off without getting run down again.

Looking down again at Berry Punch's number, she sighed deeply and began walking away. “I wonder how many of those you even remember.” She spoke half heartedly as she mumbled the question into the air.

“How many of what, Twilight?” Pink fluff immediately filled her vision as a very exuberant earth pony bounced down from a nearby tree. The shear strange and sudden appearance was enough to make Twilight momentarily forget what she had been doing.

“Uh … I … tree? Pinkie, what are you ...” Twilight quickly snapped her eyes shut.

“Twilight? Are you OK? What's up?” The little pink pony bounced from side to side, while Twilight tried to make her way out of the street. “Twiiiiiillliiiiiight. Are you playing a new game? OH OH OH! I wanna play the 'Stagger Through the Street' game too! Do you just have to close your eyes and walk around without bumping into things.”

“No, Pinkie. I'm not playing a game. I need your help.” Twilight reached her hooves out in front of her searchingly.

“Oh. Well, sure. I can help you. Here.” Pinkie reached out to grab the lid of Twilight's right eye and wrench it open. “There, now you can see where you're going.”

“No! Pinkie, I don't want to see. I just want to get back home without seeing any … oh no. Oh Celestia … it's over nine thousand … Pinkie how is that even possible ...” Twilight backed away as both of her eyes shot open and stared unblinkingly at the pink earth pony's rump.

“What do you mean, Twilight? Is something wrong?” Twilight looked up from her friend's flank, into her sweet clear blue eyes, and stared for a moment longer before breaking into tears in the middle of the street. “Twilight … what's wrong? Oh my. Hey, silly filly, you need to turn that frown upside down, and I know how to help that happen. Follow me.” Pinkie grabbed Twilight by the hoof and pulled her along, bouncing down the street. Twilight allowed herself to be tugged behind the smiling pink pony in full view of the entire town, while tears still streamed down her face.

*****

After arriving at Pinkie's room above the Sugar Cube Corner Bakery, Twilight found herself sitting at a table with a fresh cut slice of strawberry pie in front of her. She looked absent mindedly toward her host as Pinkie passed over a napkin. Twilight took it from her and dried her face before looking down at her plate again.

“It always helps me, when I'm feeling glum, to get out what's on my mind while sharing some baked goods. So … do tell? What's wrong?” Pinkie's shining face peered at Twilight. “Do … do you need a party?! Because we could totally throw one RIGHT NOW!” Streamers began to fall from the ceiling and confetti shot up from somewhere beneath the table.

“No! No, Pinkie, please … no parties. Not just now.” The purple unicorn looked down again at her slice of pie.

“Oh. OK then.” The streamers promptly retracted into some unseen portal in the ceiling, while the confetti seemed to dissolve into nothingness before it hit the floor. “So then, will you still be able to tell me what's wrong?”

“I … oh Pinkie, you wouldn't understand. No pony would. Not with the experiences you've had. You would only laugh at me for being a silly pony.”

“Of course I'll laugh, Twilight. I love to laugh. Maybe that's what's wrong, then? You just need to laugh more. I can fix that you know.”

“No Pinkie, it's not that. It's,” Twilight let out a long deep breath before continuing, “ … it's that everypony else has had more sex than me. I hate it, and I don't know how to fix it.”

“What? … Twilight … is that honestly all that's bothering you?” Pinkie looked genuinely surprised at her friend.

“See, I knew you would make light of it, that's why I didn't bring it up.” Twilight looked back down at her dessert and sniffed a little bit.

“Oh, don't be so down on yourself. I know JUST how to fix this.” With that she pulled a red marker out of thin air and proceeded to write two extra digits in front of the 'one' that was printed on Twilight's flank. “There. See! All better now!”

“Wait, WHAT?! How are you able to see that? And for that matter how is that supposed to make me feel any better at all?” Twilight's worried face looked up toward her friend.

“This is what you were so upset over, wasn't it? Over a silly little number? Well there, it's not so little anymore. TADA! PINKIE FIXES EVERYTHING!!” She threw her hooves up into the air triumphantly.

“No … NO! No, that didn't fix ANYthing at all. I still know that I'M the only lover I've ever had, and it still feels horrible. Changing the number didn't actually change anything in reality.”

“Twilight.” Pinkie's tone was lower as she spoke, and her smile had faded mostly from her face. “What does it matter really how many sexy buddies you've been around? It's not a popularity contest … and if you're treating it that way, then you're looking at a pretty ugly type of popularity.”

“I know that, but … but I would like it if SOME other pony were to accept me intimately enough to invite me into bed, even if it's just in a purely physical way.” Twilight sniffed again

“Then what? What would you do after they did? Would you stay with them forever and ever? Or would you move on to try to find another one? Maybe then another after that? When would it be enough? For that matter, when it DID finally get to be enough, would you even be able to remember them all? There's no use in being so worried over something that you're just going to forget right away, or somepony you're just going to forget either. I mean, it IS fun while you're there in the moment, but after that, they all just kind of … turn into a number.”

“Pinkie … I … I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make it seem like I was making the mistake of quantity over quality. It's not that I want to gorge my libido on the company of strangers. It's just that … I don't want to be so totally left out and alone. You know?”

Pinkie smiled broadly again. “HEE! No need to worry. It looks like I was the one who made the mistake. You don't want a bigger number just for the sake of having it. You want to be wanted, even if it's just by one other pony. I can take care of that too. Right now!” Her smile didn't falter as she jumped across the table at her friend.

Twilight's eyes went wide as she was tackled to the floor. With her superior earth pony strength, Pinkie wasted no time pinning the purple unicorn's shoulders to the floor with her front hooves while straddling her lower legs over Twilight's midsection. “Wait! WAIT, Pinkie! Please wait, just a moment!”

“The Pinkie does not know the meaning of that word, AND you did not say it in the form of a question. That's a DOUBLE penetration penalty! Would you like to try again for double the points or go for the physical challenge?” Pinkie's eyes widened and her smile stretched wider than it had been all day, causing Twilight to break into a cold sweat.

“No, I'm being serious, Pinkie. REALLY this time! Um … Won't you please wait?” Twilight looked up at her with worrying eyes.

Pinkie's smile vanished and her brow lowered as she studied her friend for a moment. Suddenly her expression brightened again. “Oh you really WERE being serious. My bad. I just realized that I didn't tell you what the safe word was. That could have really been a mess. By the way it's 'Glandhammer'. Keep that in mind.” Still sitting on top of Twilight she peered down at her, now a more normal expression of mirth on her face. “So what are we waiting for?”

“First, could you get off of me for a moment?” Pinkie stood up, allowing Twilight to do the same. “Now, as I was about to say … there was a reason that I just didn't come out and ask. I mean other than you being a friend and all.” She muttered under her breath, “Although I didn't think it would be this easy with you.”

“Don't be silly. Friends are the BEST to hop into bed with, and partying with Pinkie is the easiest thing to do.” She beamed another award winning smile to her friend.

“Uh … yeah. I see that now. It's just that ...” Twilight fidgeted as she searched for the right words. “I guess I'm just really afraid is all. It's something strange and everypony else has had so much experience. What if … what if I'm 'bad' at it?”

“Hehe. Silly Twilight. If you're no good then I'll teach you how to be good. Here, let me show you.” With that Pinkie shoved Twilight sideways across the room to land squarely into the bed in the corner.

Twilight was about to protest when she looked up to see the falling ball of pink cotton zooming down to land directly on top of her. “OOPH! Pinkie, you-” Twilight was cut off as the pink ball of energy locked her mouth shut with her own. She struggled a bit as the pink legs and tail wrapped abound her various body parts. Then ever so softly, she felt the warm wet tongue press past her lips, and begin lightly circling the inside of her dental structure. That was when the heat began building up in her chest as it was pressed tightly to her friend. Her stomach tingled inside as she began to wrap her own legs around the pink pony. As her heart began to beat faster the warm strain inside of it swelled with a mounting pressure, filling her chest and threatening to burst her open.

It was then that Twilight found herself thinking on the real fears she had tried to hold back for so long. As Pinkie's kiss deepened, she began thinking of all the ponies with numbers in the triple digits, and wondered how much they had shifted focus away from their normal lives to build up such a high score. She wondered if her own desires would be altered, possibly changing to match those of the higher ranking ponies in the town. Then a cold streak of fear crawled up her spine, as she began to search her memory, through all the books she had read, for any hint of an instance where a pony's cutie mark had changed.

It took several seconds before she realized that Pinkie was no longer kissing her. She looked up to see a worried look on her friend's face. She stared up into Pinkie's eyes for a moment before speaking her mind. “Will everything change now? Will this end me?”

Pinkie smiled a little as she answered. “Do you want it to?”

Twilight thought for a long moment more, before leaning up for another long deep kiss, this time returning the tongue that was offered to her. Then, slowly, not breaking the embrace, her horn began to glow, and the shutters of the room above Sugar Cube Corner closed and locked tightly.