Equestrian Diaries

by Third Brony

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Slice of Life, Comedy
Length: 1537

Celestia and Luna's brother releases private information about the ponies in Equestria

I shouldn't need any introductions, I'm sure my sisters have mentioned me before. Oh that's right, THEY HAVEN"T. My name is Oracle and I'm Celestia's fraternal twin brother. While my sister's raise heaven, my powers are a little less impressive. I can see everything. This is my revenge for being left out of everything. The hierarchy, family photos, family banquets. I have notes on everypony in Equestria and now… so do you.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-01 23:35:43 UTC

Pre-Discordia Spike's Diary: Not Just a Servant

Dear Diary,

I want to start by saying that I'm not Twilight's servant. Everyone keeps thinking that!

I'm her assistant. That's all. Her assistant.

That's kind of the reason that I'm sad. Most of my other friends have been friendzoned or brotherzoned, I've hit a new low. I've been Assistantzoned. Yeah, apparently that's a thing now.

Ever since she hatched me I've been in love with Twilight. I mean it's so obvious. Why else would a big, powerful dragon like me slave around for ponies?

Okay, so I'm not big or powerful and I am a couple years younger than her but I mean well. I take notes for her, I get things she needs, I'm a one-dragon file cabinet and on one occasion... stress relief. She kicks hard for someone so small. But I will all be worth it the day she sees me as something more than a scaly paperboy.

My other heartthrob lives in Ponyville. Rarity is her name. She... she's beautiful. That's all I can say at the moment. Absolutely beautiful. She far outclasses Twilight in that aspect, but my love for Twilight runs deeper than flank.

While Rarity is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, Twilight and I have history. I'm trying to make Twilight jealous by drooling over Rarity. That way I have two strategies for two different mares. Whichever one of them works, I get a special somepony. Flawless.

Spike Dragonhide

PS: I wonder if it will bother them that I'm a different species.

Pre-Discordia Rainbow's Diary: The Element of Loyalty... when it's convenient

Dear diary

Guess who's the element of loyalty? That's right! I am! It's too bad that they don't have an element for awesomeness. I'd be a shoe-in for that too.

I'm always loyal to my friends. I remember one time, back in Cloudsdale, these guys were picking on Fluttershy so I challenged them to a race and embarrassed them with my sick moves. Of course, I only did it because I didn't like those guys and I wanted to show off for the crowd. And I may have knocked Fluttershy two hundred feet to the ground in the process. It still counts, right?

With that, my friends have no choice but to trust me. Well, there was last week when Twilight got the tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala. I still can't believe that she didn't pick me right from the start. I saw it first.

Actually Applejack saw them first but I'm Rainbow Dash. I strongly believe in first come first serve but when you're Rainbow Dash (which you're not) you should get through before everyone else. I had to resort to bribery. It was a good and loyal thing. It was raining so I kicked a hole in the clouds so that Twilight could eat dryly. Then again, I was the one that started the rain in the first place. It still counts, right?

I guess the important thing is that I got a ticket. The others had forfeited their tickets so it was originally supposed to be mine but I loyally declined (after they all shot me dirty looks).

I still think I'm loyal, especially after helping Applejack with Applebuck Season yesterday. Come to think of it... payment for that is due now.

Rainbow Dash

Pre-Discordia Celestia's Diary: Trouble with being God

Dear diary,

Celestia here saying that I hate everypony!

I mean, I know that I'm the only one that can raise the sun and the moon and the stars and shit but they don't have to cry to me for everything. Dammit, I'm two thousand years old, I'm too old to be dealing with that.

They pray to me for every-fucking-thing! Don't they know that I can hear them! Last night, I was sleeping and Cherilee started praying for a man.

What am I, God?! Okay, I suppose that I am but I can't do everything. Ever since I sealed Luna away, I've been on my own. I tried replacing her with Twilight Sparkle but that little bitch is just so needy. Princess teach me this, Princess teach me that! Oh Me, go chew on a sharp rock.

Diary, I think that I want my little sister back. I can weaken the seal but knowing her, she'd try to kill me the second she got out of the moon. Not my problem, I'm immortal.

Celestia

Pre-Discordia Twilight's Diary: Friendship is a (rhymes with) Witch

Dear diary,

That immortal bitch!

I can't believe that Celestia would do this to me. I've been her loyal student for ten years and she goes and sends me to a rat hole of a town. Friendship my ass!

Her sister is breaking out of her moon prison and I tried to warn her but everypony in Canterlot is too fucking prissy to realize it. I decided to humor her and go to Ponyville. Spike was all perky about it but it bummed me out.

I was doing research on Ponyville and they only have one library. ONE LIBRARY! She's sending me to a town of hicks and hippies. And the people, ugh!

This one pony looks like she eats sugar for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Sugar... or crack. This other farm filly force fed me apples. Then we have the wench that messed up my do. The ultimate bitch ran the boutique. So at first she's treating me like a dress up doll that went through the spin cycle, then (when I tell her that I'm from Canterlot) I become best friend material. Spike kept drooling over the floor. I didn't even know that he could fly. Don't get me started on that little bitch who thought that she was too good to talk to me. With her birds and shit.

Then when I get home, to the ONE LIBRARY, they all messed it up trying to through me a sucky party. Damn! If I could I would have killed Celestia. Now I have to get the other ponies to help sort out HER family issues. I don't even know why I care.

Twilight Sparkle

Pre-Discordia Luna's Diary: Kill Cel

Dear Diary,

I hate my sister.

When we were younger, she was the best big sister ever. How many other ponies can say that their sister can raise the sun. And the moon. And the stars.

Yeah she's a showoff. It's my power to raise the night, why the Tartarus does she go showing off that she can do it too like there's anyone to impress. You know, I think that's why she does it. She's looking for attention.

When we were growing up, most of the Alicorn stallions would hit on me. Why not? I was young, I was cute... I wasn't an attention-grabbing bitch. I can only remember one pony that has ever been in love with Cel and he wasn't even a pony. He was a draca... drocani... dragona... I can't pronounce his species but his name was Discord.

She hated him so much, it was actually kind of funny. Well, it was until he put our species on the brink of extinction. The fury that came from him was... Wow!

Less about that and more about why I hate Celestia.

When I was old enough, Mother had me instigated as a Princess alongside Cel. I was given complete control of the night. We had a pretty good run together and I thought we were really bonding. That is until Celestia drugged me. I have no idea what it was and I can hardly remember what happened. I can recall bits and pieces of scenes of fires and overall destruction and the next thing I knew Celestia seals me into the moon. Not on the moon, IN the moon.

I had to stay there for half my life! And you know what? Moon ponies aren't nice. For five hundred years they tried to eat me. For the other five hundred, I kind got mad at them and used my magic to chain them all to the ground. It was about five days ago when they finally surrendered to me and offered to be my eternal slaves. I'm not one to imprison but... I'm not stupid either.

For the first time in one thousand years I was enjoying myself. That's when my loving sister opened the seal and practically dragged me out. Okay I will admit that what I did next was sort of overkill (I tried to initiate The Eternal Night) but I was pissed.

If that weren't enough, she had her little band of lesbians blast me with the Elements of Harmony. The Elements of Mothercussing Harmony! What ever happened to "Hey Luna, I'm sorry. Can you forgive me?" Would that have been so hard?

Instead she went and had them reverse my age to when I am slightly less powerful than she is. Man, I hate her. Just wait till I rediscover ALL my powers. I'll play along with her for now but when she least expects it... I'm going break her horn and stab her with it.

Princess Luna

P.S.: Who the Tartarus is Night Mare Moon?