The Hostess

Chapters

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 3

Chapter 1

Chapter 1
996 CE (Four years before the return of Nightmare Moon)

It was late at night. Most ponies in Ponyville were asleep, so only one pony saw the shooting star that streaked across the sky. This pony turned to watch it as it fell, silhouetted against the pale moonlight.

It was brighter than any shooting star the pony had ever seen before. In fact, it was much, much brighter. It just kept getting brighter, and it was lasting a very long time. Most shooting stars fizzled out in less than a second, but this one had survived for at least twenty seconds now.

The watching pony began to become nervous. The shooting star was getting closer and closer, and the watcher couldn’t shake the feeling that it was on a direct course for Ponyville. Not only that, but a faint sound could be heard, almost like a pony screaming.

The watchers ears perked up. The screaming was getting louder as the star grew brighter. It was almost as large as the moon now. Transfixed, the pony stared at the flaming object. Time seemed to slow.

It was a large boxy object. Most of it was covered in intense flames, obscuring any other details. It was definitely not a shooting star. As well, the earlier feeling had become a certainty; the box was heading directly for the pony. The pony was shook out of shock when the screaming formed the words “Town! TOWN!”

The pony dove to the ground, the flaming box pulling up just in time. A hot wind brushed over the pony’s mane as the box arced up for a few more seconds, before dipping below the horizon. The pony dashed after it, curiosity overcoming fear. The pony had just cleared town when a deep boom rang out, more a feeling then a sound. The ground shook, and the pony chased after the sound of impact.

The crash site was a mess. It was in one of the more remote fields of the Apple family estate, bordering on the Everfree Forest. It had gone unfarmed due to its proximity to the dangerous wood. As such, there had been nothing to stop the crash landing box.

The pony that had seen it fly over Ponyville trotted into the field. A huge divot, half a mile long, had ripped the field in half. At the end of it, finally stopped by one of the huge Everfree trees, was the flaming box. The pony stopped at a safe distance and stared at it. Honestly, the pony hadn’t thought beyond this point, and decided to go get Big Macintosh. It was his farm after all. Well, technically Granny Smiths, but she probably wouldn’t be much use.

The pony was just turning to leave when a panel in the side of the strange object flung open; out stumbled a coughing creature.

The pony had never seen anything like it. It had the same basic shape as a monkey, but it was definitely something different. It was larger, taller, and its back was straighter. Its head was bald, except for a patch on the top, like a mane. The rest of it was covered with clothes, something only ponies wore. Even then, only rarely.

For another thing, it was talking. Well, swearing actually.

“Mother----ing Son of a…” It mumbled, before bursting into another coughing fit. It held up a paw to cover its mouth, and when it brought it away, the pony saw the deep red of blood on it.

The creature saw its hand too, and appeared distraught. “Damn it” it whispered. “I don’t have time for this.”

The bystander, standing stunned for the second time, came to a realization. The deep red blotch on the creature’s clothes wasn’t a fashion choice. The creature was bleeding. Very heavily, by the look of it. An involuntary gasp escaped the ponies lips.

The things gaze snapped upwards, body tensing, and then relaxed when it saw the pony, falling to its knees. “Oh, a horse. Wonderful. Nothing more dignified then dying in front of a horse.”

“Pony. I’m a pony, not a horse” said a strange voice. With a shock, the pony realized it was his own.
The creature stared at him. “A talking pony. Fascinating. Well, it’s a bi-“ it said, before being cut off by the seizing of its own body.

The pony began to run forwards, to see if there was anything that could be done, but the creature raised one of its limbs.

“Nothing you can do now” it said, seeming to read the ponies mind “At least, not until I’m done. Just stay back. I’m going to sort of explode, and it’s not something you want to be arooOOUUUUuunnnddd” it choked, its body wracked by another convulsion. It fell to the ground, and then held good on its word.

An explosion of golden light engulfed the thing, lasting for around half a minute. When spots stopped swimming in the ponies eyes, there were two ponies in the light of the fire. One was laying in the remains of the strange creatures clothes, unconscious.

Just as the conscious pony was about to poke the other, to see if it would wake up, it sat up and screamed. Not in, pain, more in surprise. The first pony screamed as well, also in surprise.
The second pony coughed and then breathed out deeply, a golden stream flowing from its mouth. The vapor rose into the air and drifted away. Pony one was watching it go when its source spoke.

“Dominant species, huh?”

“W-What?”

“You’re the dominant species in this area? Wherever we are?”

“Ponyville. And er… yes. I suppose so”

“Wonderful. Had to land regenerate without hands. That’s going to be no end of trouble, tell you that for nothing. These legs seem good though. Nice and fast. I like that.”

The second pony rambled on for a while, talking about how this body compared to the monkey one. The first pony was attempting to get a look inside the open door of the box, without appearing to do so, when the second pony grabbed onto the first ponies shoulders and shouted “Did you see anyone else!?”

“I-what?”

“Is that you favorite word? What?”

“Wh-no. I’m just confused”

“Then let me make it simple. Any other flaming objects from the sky? Tonight, or within the last few days? Anything strange been going on? People- ponies disappearing?”

“No, I don’t… nothing I know of”

The second pony made a grim face. “Believe me, you’d know. So they haven’t found me. Wonderful. Need to hide. Any ideas?”

“Well-“ the first pony stammered, before being interrupted.

“Nothing for it. Going to have to do something incredibly irresponsible and dangerous” And then, without a trace of sarcasm, the second pony grinned and said “Goodie”.

Several hours later, two ponies stumbled out of the strange box. The Everfree forest, being what it was, had put out the fire by itself. It would be collected later.

The two ponies headed back towards town. One, a pink pony with a fuzzy shock of hair, bounced down the road. The other, a brown stallion with an hourglass cutie mark, carried an old golden fob watch in his mouth.
The watch contained a secret that one was keeping from the other. A secret that would not be released for six years, and even then, only in the most dire of circumstances.

1002 CE (2 years after the return of Princess Luna)

John Smith grimaced around the tiny screwdriver in his mouth as he tried to fasten the last cog in place. He twisted his head gently, and then withdrew to twist again. Three more twists and he’d be done his masterpiece. The smallest watch ever made; a gift for Mayor Mare.

Two more twists. This would be the watch that made his career. Everypony had laughed when he got his cutie mark. They all knew only unicorns could make timepieces. They all said that earth ponies couldn’t work with clockwork. Well he’d show them.

One more twist. He exhaled to steady his muzzle, and then bent over, the screwdriver clenched tightly between his teeth. One… more… tw-

The door flung open, ringing the tiny bell placed over it. His head jerked involuntarily, and the watch flipped across the room. He watched it with distraught eyes as it smashed into a hundred tiny pieces against the wall.

“Aw, I’m mighty sorry John. I didn’t realize you were concentratin’ ” the orange pony standing in the doorway apologized.

John stifled a sigh as he walked over to pick up the pieces. In truth, he was very upset, but he didn’t want to make the farmer pony feel worse than she already did. “It’s alright Applejack. I should have put up a sign.

Anyway, what can I do for you? Finally succumbing to the lure of modern technology?” He grinned as he teased her.

“Heck no I ain’t! Ya’ll know a rooster’s good enough for me.” She walked over to help him pick up the silver pieces, grinning in return.

He bit into the largest cog and lifted it towards the table. “Sho what do you want?” He asked around it.
The smile dropped off of Applejack’s face. “Well… I don’t shupposh you’ve sheen Big Mac lately, have ya?” she mumbled through a spring.

John dropped part of the casing on the table. “Uh… no, not since last week. Why, is he missing?”

“’Fraid sho.” She spat a screw on to the table “Normally I wouldn’ worry, he can take care a’ himself. But he left in the middle o’ the night and never came back. Now, he disappears every little while, an’ that’s his business, but never in the middle o’ the night. It’s just plumb strange.”

John’s head stopped halfway to the ground. “Why’d he go out in the middle of the night?”

“Oh, just to check the barn after that lil’ earthquake we had. Make sure it hadn’ collapsed or anything.”

John’s breath stopped. “Earthquake?” he asked, the watch forgotten.

“Yeah. You know,jusht a shecond or sho. It wash two nightsh ago, around midnight?” She dropped the cog on the table. “You gotta remember.”

John nodded. He did remember. He’d woken up in the middle of the night, but dismissed the rumbling as unimportant. His heart started to pound in his chest.

“Funny thing is, Twi says it wasn’t an earthquake. She says… just a sec. She shaysh that Ponyville can’t have earthquakesh. Shome nonshenshe about – ptew – bedrock or something. I swear, I love that girl, but she speaks in riddles almost as much as Pinkie.”

“A-huh” John said in a stunned voice.

“So I say – I shay to her ‘Shugarcube, I’ve been living here my whole life, and we shure can have earthquakesh.’ I tell her – bleh – about that one we had… what was it?”

“Six years ago”

“Yeah, shix years ago. And she’sh got the nerve to tell me that couldn’t have happened either!” She spat out the tiny piece and glared at John. “You gonna help, or just sit there like an idiot?”

John looked at her with unseeing eyes. He blinked and shook his head. “What?”

“You want to clean this up or not?” She asked, gesturing at the floor.

“Oh, the- no, don’t worry about it. It’s fine. I like it there. You’re sure Big Mac is missing?”

“That’s what I said, ain’t it? And what the hay do you mean you ‘like it there’?”

John began pushing her towards the door. “Sorry, store’s closed. I remembered… something I have to do. You’re sure he’s not at a friend’s house or anything? Does he have a marefriend?”

Applejack snorted “Not that he ever told me about. Colts are weird about that though.”

“Ha ha, we sure are. That’s us. Out of touch with our feelings, the lot. Okay, bye, it was great talking to you, hope you find him.” He pushed her out the door with his head, flipped the sign to “Closed” and then slammed it.

Applejack stared at the wood of the door. What did he get so nervous about? Did he know something she didn’t?

She had just turned to leave when she heard the creak of hinges. John’s head craned around the edge of the door.

“Where does Twilight live again? Unrelated note.”

“Uhh… the library, hun.”

“Great! Thanks.” The door slammed.

Applejack waited for the inevitable. She was not disappointed.

The door opened again, revealing a perplexed John. “Wait, the library? Really?”

“Yup. The library.”

“…Huh. Alright. Thanks.” The door creaked shut.

Applejack walked away, shaking her head. Everypony always asked about the library.

In the back room of his store, John dug through drawer after drawer. Every cupboard had been flung open, every closet had been ransacked, every drawer that could be removed had been dumped. His small living space was even more cluttered than usual, strewn with cogs and springs and unwashed dishes.

“Oh Celestia, oh Luna, oh BUCK I’ve clopping lost it…” he swore to himself as he franticly searched.

He felt his hoof hit something hard and metal in the pile of ‘Watchmaker Monthly’ next to his bed. He kicked the magazines out of the way to find the item nestled among the… less scholarly magazines hidden underneath.
John blushed. How had it gotten there?

Never mind, he thought. Reaching down, he grabbed it in his teeth, desperately ignoring the printed filly it put him eye-to-eye with. Watch in mouth, he ran to get his bag. He placed the watch in it carefully and dashed out the door. Several seconds later, he ran back in, kicked the magazines under the bed, and ran out again.

Twilight stared ferociously at the charts and graphs in front of her, as if she could make the numbers add up through sheer force of will. Spike had gone out for a made-up errand, as he always did when she got like this. He knew better than to stick around when Twilight was attempting to force the universe to make sense.

“3.4 on the scale, 2.6 seconds in duration…” she muttered, scribbling down numbers “nearest faultline is… where’s my ruler. Where the HAY is my RULER!? SPIIIKE!”

John knocked on the door of the library. He’d never really talked to Twilight, but he’d seen her around. She seemed nice enough. He heard the stomping of hooves in the library. The door swung open, revealing a purple pony with ruffled, chaotic hair and an insane look in her eyes. She also had a ruler tucked behind her ear.

“SPPIIKE!” The purple pony screamed.

John just screamed.

“WHERE IS MY you’re not Spike.” the purple pony said in a confused tone.

John took a deep breath. He was way too wound up. “No, I’m not. My name’s John Smith.”

Twilight stared at him, processing this new information. “You… you’re that watchmaker pony. The earth pony.”

“Yes, I am an earth pony.” John deadpanned, then added “But you’re right, I’m the watchmaker.”

Twilight stared at him for a few more seconds, than shook her head. “I’m sorry. That was rude. I’m a little stressed. Please, come in. My name is Twilight Sparkle, and I’m-“

“The librarian, I know. I’m a friend of Applejack. Well, more of Big Macintosh, but that’s not really the point. Sorry for interrupting, I’m kind of in a hurry.”

Twilight blinked, smoothing her hair with her magic. “Oh, alright. What book are you looking for?”

“I’m not looking for a book, I’m looking for you.” John said, looking over her shoulder at the map of Ponyville pinned to the wall. It was marked up in red circles and crosses.

“Looking… for me? Why are you looking for me?” Twilight asked, warily. She wasn’t sure if she should be blushing or running.

“I need to ask you about the earthquake.” John said, oblivious to the confusion of the mare.

“Oh!” Twilight said. Neither, then. “Okay, what do you want to know? Although I’m pretty sure it wasn’t an earthquake.”

“That’s what I want to know. If it wasn’t an earthquake, what was it?”

Twilight walked back to her work table “Well, I don’t know. It could have been a spell, or an explosion, or-”

“What about an impact? Something falling from the sky?” John interrupted again.

“You’re quite the interrupter, you know that?” Twilight said, half smiling.

John grimaced. “Yeah, sorry about that. Just, like I said. I’m in a hurry. Could it have been an impact?”

Twilight looked back to her map. “Yes, I suppose so. It would have to be very big, and really fast though. Or really, really big, and very fast. So, theoretically, yes. But for it to be that big, it would have to be a piece of the moon or something, and I’m sure Luna wouldn’t have let that happen.”

John’s heart fell. This was it then. The watch opened today. “You’re a friend of Pinkie Pie, right? Do you know where she is?” He asked.

Twilight was taken aback. The pony was suddenly so sad. “Er… I imagine she’d be at Cupcake Corner. But you can never tell with Pinkie, can you?”

John smiled sadly “No. You can’t.” He started to walk away, than turned his head towards her. “You should come with me.”

“Why?” Twilight asked cautiously. This was going from strange to stranger.

John turned and trotted towards the door. “To say goodbye.”

Oh Luna, why did I say that, thought John. “For the last time, I’m not going to kill her!”

“Then why did you say I should say goodbye?” Twilight demanded. They were still on their way to Sugarcube Corner. It was taking longer than usual because Twilight kept levitating John and holding him upside down.

“Because! She’s leaving. Sort of.”

“What does ‘sort of leaving’ mean?”

“Look! She’ll explain it. Just… wait a few minutes” John said, exasperated. He pushed open the door to Sugarcube Corner. Pinkie was sitting behind the counter, juggling a cupcake, a mixing spoon, and Gummy.

“Oh hey John! Hey Twi! I didn’t know you two knew each other! That’s great! I love it when my friends know each other! It’s like a web! And I like webs.” Pinkie staggered towards them on her hind legs, still juggling.

“You know John?” Twilight asked. This kept getting more confusing.

“Oh yeah, he’s one of my oldest, bestest friends! Actually, he’s my oldest, but not my bestest. Sorry John! He’s the first pony I met when I came to Ponyville!” Pinkie replied. Her task had been simplified when gummy ate the cupcake, and he was now trying for the spoon.

“It’s alright Pinkie. We’re still friends.” John said, accentuating the word ‘friends’. He stuck his tongue out at Twilight. It was immature, but she annoyed him. “Speaking of, I need to you to look at me.” He reached into his pouch for the watch.

“Okie dokie loki!”

“Alright, I need- Pinkie, you’re not looking at me.” John said, placing the watch on the display case next to him.

“Yes I am!” Pinkie said, indignantly.

“No, you’re looking at your Allig-“ John started, before realizing that while her head and left eye were following the toothless pet, her right eye was fixed on him. “That’s really creepy Pinkie.”

Pinkie just giggled in response.

“Okay Pinkie, I need you to open this watch.” John picked it up again and stepped towards her.

Pinkie’s right eye focused on the watch, then her left eye, then her head. Her hooves stopped moving, and the alligator, now gripping the spoon, bounced away like a rubber ball.

“No.” She said, not even realizing she was speaking.

Twilight stepped between the two earth ponies. “What?”

“You haf to oben it” John said around the large golden watch “I ade you a promish”

“She doesn’t have to do anything.” replied Twilight.

“Yesh she dosh”

“No she doesn’t"

“Yesh. She dosh”

“NO. SHE DOESN’T”

Pinkies eyes never left the watch. She knew it. She recognized it. There was a door in her head, a locked door. It had been there as long as she could remember. She didn’t know what was behind the door, but she knew it should stay locked. She also knew that if she opened that watch, the door would open with it.

“Look, I made a promise that I would make her open the watch.” John was arguing with Twilight.

“To who!?”

“To her!”

“What do you- why aren’t you talking funny? Where’d the watch go?” Twilight spluttered.

John hadn’t even felt the watch leave his mouth, but he could see Pinkie holding it behind Twilight. Twilight saw the look in his eyes and turned to see Pinkie opening it.

That door should stay locked. Pinkie knew that. But she’d never been much for rules.

Both Twilight and John were blinded by the golden light that poured out of the watch and into Pinkie. Pinkie cried out in pain and fear, a disturbing animal sound. When Twilights senses cleared, Pinkie was lying on the floor. Overtaken by rage, the unicorn spun to face John, lifting him into the air.

“Waitwaitwait” John stuttered.

“WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER!?” She screamed, her hair bursting into flames as she fought to control her magic.

A voice spoke up from behind her. It was Pinkie’s, but calmer, more restrained. “He only did what I asked him to do to me. Now I’ll thank you to put him down.”

Twilight turned to see Pinkie brushing herself off. “But… but…” Twilight was very close to a meltdown.

“How long John?” Pinkie said, ignoring her.

“Six years, give or take.” John replied, floating to the ground as Twilights magic faded with her attention.

Pinkie whistled. “Took them long enough. Well, we’ve got work to do. And do close your mouth, magic pony. That gawping look is most unbecoming.”

Chapter 2

Chapter 2
996 CE (Four years before the return of Nightmare Moon)

Two ponies stand at the edge of the Everfree Forest; one a brown stallion with a stunned look and an hourglass cutie mark, the other a pink mare with a golden watch and balloons on her flank. At the moment, the mare was attempting to pick up a golden watch.

“Damnit. Damnit. DAMNIT. How do you carry things with these hooves?” She asked the stallion, exasperated.

“Er… we use our mouths, usually. Unless you’re a unicorn.” He replied.

She clearly found that idea distasteful. “With your mouth? That hardly seems sanitary.” Despite her words, she leaned down and grabbed the watch in her mouth, and then jerked her head towards the stallion. “Howd on. Did you jush shay ‘unicon’?”

“Yeah, unicorn. Are you not from around here?”

She giggled at that. “No, vewy mucsh not. And theshe uniconsh, they ushe theiw hownsh to liff thingsh?”

“No, their magic.”

She stared at him.

“Look, what the hay is going on? Who are you? What’s in the box? What is the box? What was that monkey thing? Where did it go and where did you come from?” he demanded.

She responded by spitting the watch at him. “I’ll tell you, but you have to carry my stuff. My mouth only does one thing at once. Follow me.” She turned and walked towards the box.

He grabbed the watch and followed her, avoiding the hottest flames. Already he could see the Everfree Forest reacting to the fire, starting to put it out. It hadn’t lasted for a thousand years by being easy to burn down.

The pink pony said “To answer your questions, in order: I’m running, the Hostess, a lot of things, a TARDIS, me, nowhere, and Gallifrey.” and then trotted into the box.

John galloped after her. “Waid, can you repead tha…” his voice faltered as he jumped through the door, skidding to a halt. The box may have the size of a closet on the outside, but the inside was huge. Just this one room was larger than his home, and he could see more doors then he could count coming off it. In the centre stood a raised platform, and in the centre of that a huge clear cylinder reached the ceiling. The watch clattered to the floor.

The pink pony sighed and turned back to him “Alright, don’t say anything. I’m sure you have a lot of questions, yes?”

“Ye-“ a pink hoof silenced him.

“No talking. Just nod.”

He nodded.

“Alright. I’m only going to say this once, so you need to listen. Ready?”

He nodded.

The pink pony took a deep breath, larger then John imagined a pony of that size could hold, and then began talking.

“For starters I’m not a pony; I’m actually a Time Lord which is a species from Gallifrey. It doesn’t matter where that is, it’s far away. My name is the Hostess. No that’s not my real name, I chose it. No I won’t tell you my real name; it’s a Time Lord thing. Time Lords can regenerate when they die, taking on the appearance of the dominant species in that locale. It’s a survival instinct. That monkey thing was me, than I regenerated; now this is me. Don’t worry about it. This is my transportation, it’s called a TARDIS, it’s very complicated. No, I won’t explain how it works. Yes, the inside is bigger than the outside, don’t let it bother you. I don’t know it’s exact size, but it’s large enough to get lost in, so don’t wander off. It’s broken from the crash; it crashed because it was shot. I’m being chased by some other aliens that I can’t let catch me. They’re the ones who shot me and my TARDIS. Which is why I’m going to use this watch. I can hide the Time Lord-ness in it and make myself a normal pony so they can’t find me. At least not easily. I’m going to hook myself up to a machine and it’s going to hurt, and then I won’t remember being a Time Lord, and you’ll have to take the watch and make me open it if anyone else shows up like I did and ponies start disappearing. Problem is, I’m not done regenerating, and no Time Lord has ever tried disguising in the middle of a regeneration cycle, so I might die. Any questions?”

All of that was said on one breath, getting quieter and quieter until the last few sentences were little more than a wheeze. The Hostess stared at John, daring him to ask any questions.

John was smart enough to read between the lines. “No questions… er… Hostess”.

She grinned the word ‘wonderful’ before stumbling sideways to lean on a railing. A pained expression crossed her face as another stream of golden smoke wormed its way out of her mouth.

“Is that… normal?” John asked, worried.

With a grunt of effort, she heaved herself to the base of the central pillar. A set of switches, dials and buttons circled it. “I thought you said you didn’t have any more questions? But yes, it is. Don’t worry about it.” She reared back on her hind legs, front hooves hovering over the controls. She sighed. “What you should worry about, however, is how I’m supposed to use these controls.”

John retrieved the watch from the floor and trotted next to the annoyed mare. “Wew, if it were me…” he said around the watch.

“Yes, yes, I know. Use my mouth. I just really hoped you had another suggestion.” She lowered herself back onto all fours, and began flicking switches with her teeth and pushing buttons with her snout.

John spat the watch onto an empty part of the control panel. “Why are you worried? It’s your… box, don’t you know where all this stuff has been?”

She paused in her task to give him a flirtatious smile. “That’s exactly why I’m worried, my dear.”

John blushed. The words weren’t particularly scandalous; it was the way she said. Completely confident and self-aware, as if she’d said much worse in the past, and would do so in the future.

She flicked one last switch, and then leaned past him to grab the watch. She trotted over to a device he hadn’t noticed before. A chair, oddly cushiony, sat off to the side of the room. A metal pole sprouted from its back, arching over the headrest. Two discs, a similar size and shape as the watch, dangled on cords from the pole. She pushed the watch into a slot clearly designed for it, and then set about making herself comfortable in the chair.

“Alright, here’s what I need you to do. I’m going to scream a lot in a sec, I need you not to freak out. Actually, just don’t freak out until I tell you otherwise. Standing order. Anyway, assuming I survive the procedure, I won’t remember any of this, so I’ll need you to take the watch and hide it somewhere safe. Take me, and help me set up my life. My mind will come up with a past for me, so just act like I’m new in town and it should work out. Oh, and normally my TARDIS would take care of itself, but it’s too damaged. If you could find someplace to hide it, that would be great. Thank you so much for doing all this for me.” She smiled, disguising the order as gratitude.

John felt a flash of anger at her assumption he would do all that. She was acting like she owned him. He almost stormed out, but stopped himself. Something told him he had to help this mysterious mare, so if he stormed out, he’d just end up slinking back in. No point degrading himself even more.

There was one eventuality she hadn’t covered. “And… what if you don’t make it?” John forced out.

She became serious. “If I don’t survive, I need you to burn the body. It’s a very important Time Lord thing. Can you handle that?”

He swallowed and nodded.

The Hostess brought the two dangling disks over her ears. They stuck in place like suction cups. “Alright, and remember. When peo - ponies start disappearing, bring me the watch. I may not want to open it, but you have to make me. That’ll bring me – the real me, not the pony – back. Promise?”

“Promise.” He replied.

“Great.” A shaky smile crept onto her face. Her hoof found its way to the large lever next to the chair, but paused before pushing it. “I never actually asked, did I. What would your name be?”

“John Smith”

She looked surprised for a second, then thoughtful, then slid back into that nervous smile. “Well it’s a pleasure to meet you John.”

The Hostess pulled the lever.

Screams filled the night air.

1002 CE (2 years after the return of Princess Luna)

Twilight Sparkle closed her mouth. Then she opened it again. Then closed it again.

Both earth ponies stared at her, waiting patiently for her thoughts to organize. John idly thought that while she seemed to be very intelligent, she was intelligent like a freight train. She could probably solve any problem she focused on, but it she appeared to have some trouble changing mental tracks.

“Buh, I… what?” Twilight stammered.

Suspicions confirmed, John thought.

Twilight finally settled on “Pinkie Pie, what is going on?” as the most likely to produce results, and said it.

The pink mare stared at her, and then rounded on John. “Pinkie Pie? You let me name myself Pinkie Pie!?”

John stared back, confused “Er… yes? Actually, I think your name was technically Pinkamena Diane Pie, but you just went by Pinkie Pie. Why, is there something wrong with it?”

The Hostess looked from Twilight to John “Neither of you think that name is strange?”

They shook their heads.

“Hold on, I think I’m missing some context. So we’ve got a John Smith, “ She pointed at the brown stallion “And what’s your name?” she asked Twilight.

“Pinkie, c’mon. You know me.” She paused, and a pleading note infected her voice “Twilight Sparkle?”

The Hostess stifled a laugh “Twilight Sparkle? Your name is Twilight Sparkle. Alright. So, names are a little more freeform here. I can deal with that. It was nice to meet you, Twilight Sparkle” She turned and walked towards the door, and John followed her.

Twilight stared at her disappearing friend. “Pinkie, what… you don’t remember me?” Her voice began to crack. “You’re just… leaving?”

The pink pony let out a heavy sigh. She turned back to the unicorn standing in the doorway. “My name isn’t Pinkie Pie. I’m the Hostess. I’m sorry, but I don’t remember you. Your friend is gone. I’m sorry, goodbye.”

She turned and trotted out the door, speaking to John. “Alright, I can’t walk around naked. We’re going to Rarity’s first, and then we’ll… go investigate the disappearance site, I suppose. I’ve never done anything like this before. An old friend of mine used to do this sort of thing all the time. Thrived off it. But I never real-“

Twilight interrupted her with a hurt shout “Oh, so you remember Rarity, but not me? Am I the only one you forgot?”

The Hostess turned back to her, exasperated “I assure you, I don’t know anypony but John here. I’ve never heard of this ‘Rarity’”.

Twilight stood speechless, shocked by the blatant lie. She has just said her name, and now she was denying it.

John cocked his head at the Hostess. He knew Rarity designed clothing, and was a friend of Pinkies, but that was about it. “You don’t know Rarity?” He asked.

“Of course not” she replied, trotting on her way.

John considered his words carefully before speaking. “…Hostess, where are we going?”

“Is no one listening? I’m going to get some clothes from Rarity, now…”Her voice faltered as seemed to hear herself talk. “Rarity… white unicorn with a purple elegantly styled mane. Fashion designer. Close friend” She said, as if she was reading the description out of a book. “Oh dear. That’s not supposed to happen.”

Twilight hadn’t thought it was possible, but now she was even more confused. Was Pinkie confessing to the lie? Was she trying to cover it up? She didn’t know how to react, so she just stood in the doorway to Sugarcube Corner mutely. At least she remembered to keep her muzzle closed this time.

John spoke gently, as to an upset friend. “What’s not supposed to happen, Hostess?”

“Memories are leaking over from Pinkie. And not nicely either, they’re coming in bursts, and then they disappear. I don’t have any idea who -“ her face scrunched up in thought “- Rarity is unless I think about clothes. Related memories and all that. Damnit.”

A gasp was let out at the sound of the swear, but both Twilight and John were silent. All three ponies looked towards the source, only then noticing that their conversation seemed to have drawn some attention.
A loose ring of ponies surrounded the trio, watching. They all knew about Pinkie, and figured this was just more of her typical entertaining antics. The source of the gasp was a middle aged mare with her hooves over a foals ears. She was glaring at the Hostess.

John leaned towards the offender and whispered “That’s kind of a bad word Hostess. I’d avoid using it”

“Extremely low tolerance for swearing. Interesting.” The mare murmured, and then raised her voice to normal speaking levels “Alright, well, I suppose we should get going.” She said, walking away very calmly, followed by John.

Twilight sat down heavily on the doorstep. Her friend was gone. That was it. And she’d have to tell all their friends, and –Oh no, the Cakes, they’d need to know. She was interrupted from her deepening thoughts by that strange voice the Hostess had, like a grown up Pinkie.

“That ‘we’ included you, Miss Sparkle. If you wish to come, that is.”

The Hostess was frustrated. This white unicorn (that a back corner of her brain insisted was Rarity) seemed to be patronizing her.

“Of COURSE your name is The Hostess dear. Whatever you say Pinkie. I’m sorry, I mean The Hostess.”

“No, when you’re talking to me, you just call me Hostess.”

“Of course, very sorry dear. Now I am rather busy, is there something I can do for you?”

The Hostess decided that this pony just didn’t quite understand. “Your friend Pinkie Pie is gone and she’s never coming back. I’m her now.”

Rarity didn’t even blink “Dear, I really don’t have time for this. Is there any reason you can’t go tell Rainbow about your new name?”

“No! You don’t call me dear! I call people dear!” The Hostess was becoming annoyed. This pony WAS patronizing her! Patronizing was the Hostesses job.

The sudden outburst finally drew a reaction from Rarity, a shocked look that the Hostess enjoyed more then she should. “Is everything alright Pinkie dear?” She asked, concerned.

The Hostess slumped. She didn’t even bother correcting her this time. “I need some clothes, and I was wondering if you had some I could borrow.”

Rarity’s face lit up, concern forgotten “Of course dear! Now what kind of dress are you looking for? What sort of event is it for?”

“No, no. Not a dress, I plan on running in this. Quite a bit, most likely. And it’s just for wearing around, nothing special.”

Rarity stared at her, a strange look on her face. “Dear, if you’re not going somewhere, why do you need some clothes? And what if not a dress? I suppose I could make you a saddle, but they’ve been out of style for years.”

The Hostess decided to ignore the first question. She wasn’t quite sure of the answer herself, she just knew she didn’t want to walk around naked. “Well, I was thinking I could get some pants.” She deadpanned.

“Pans? How can you wear pans?”

“No, not pans. Pants. With a t. P-a-n-t-s.”

“...What are pants?” Rarity asked blankly.

The Hostess laughed. Rarity didn’t.

“You’re serious?” The earth pony asked.

The unicorn nodded, looking concerned again.

“Okay, well… they’re these tubes of cloth that you put over your legs, and then-“ She twisted her neck to point at her own legs as an example, but stopped speaking when she noticed a mark on her flank. “Oh dear lord I got a tattoo. I am going to kill John.” She said, her voice inflectionless.

Rarity seemed to be as surprised as she was. “You did? Where? …And why is John responsible?” The final question was said in a very specific way that said the asker thought she knew the answer, but hoped she didn’t.

“It’s right here!” Said the Hostess, pointing at the three balloons.

That same concerned look again. “That’s your cutie mark dear. Everypony has one.”

The Hostess paused. She remembered noting that John had an hourglass on his flank, but she hadn’t commented. And now that she thought about it, Twilight had had a star on her. She craned her neck, and saw three diamonds in the same place on Rarity. The Hostess suddenly became very aware of Rarity’s stare.

“AHAHAHAHA!” The Hostess laughed. “Oh silly old Pinkie Pie, forgetting stuff all the time. Nothing to worry about. Now, about those pants…” She turned back to her flank, and examined her legs. She had a brief vision of trying to fit pants over the hooves, and the strange backwards knees. “Err… maybe not, actually. A top will do. Now, let me tell you what I used to wear…”

Twilight and John stood outside the boutique. The Hostess had asked them to wait outside after Rarity had greeted her friends and been introduced to John. She seemed to have some strange ideas about clothing; first she insisted on getting some, then she insisted on being alone while choosing it.

“So… John Smith is an interesting name. Where are you from?” Twilight asked, breaking the awkward silence that had descended over them.

John arched an eyebrow “Really? After everything that’s happened, you don’t ask me about the Hostess, or Pinkie Pie, or the watch, you ask me about my name?”

“I’m working up to it” Twilight replied huffily.

The stallion just shrugged. “I’m from the north. We all have names like that up there. Honestly, all your names still kind of weird me out. I mean, no offense, but you just seem to take two words and stick them together.”

Twilight let out a forced, but genuine, laugh. “I guess it does sound a little strange when you put it like that.”

There were several more minutes of silence, words drifting out from the open window of the boutique. The Hostess and Rarity seemed to be having some sort of argument, but the words were too muffled to understand anything specific.

John broke the silence this time “So do you want to know about the bigger stuff?”

Twilight laughed again. “I guess that would be a good idea. Whatever happened to Pinkie, it didn’t improve her communication skills.” She let out a nervous giggle at her own joke.

John chuckled along with her, mentally noting that Twilight laughed when under stress. “Well, the thing is, nothing really happened to her. She was always the Hostess, she just… forgot about it. Sort of. It’s complicated, and I don’t really understand it.”

John gave her the quick version of that night six years ago, focused mostly on the parts about forgetting who she was. Once he had finished, Twilight just stared at him. He began to become uncomfortable under her gaze, looking everywhere but her eyes. He was just studying an ant that was climbing up the side of the boutique when she spoke.

“I’m not saying I believe you. It’s very hard to take you seriously. But if you are telling the truth, then Pinkie Pie never existed? She was… what, a figment of this Hostesses imagination?”

John grimaced. “I don’t think that’s quite it. The impression I got is that Pinkie was… what she would have been if she was born a pony? Does that make sense?”

Twilight nodded slowly. “I guess. She seems… older though.”

“She could be. I have no idea how old she is.”

More silence.

“I wonder if the Hostess makes up songs like Pinkie did.” Twilight mused.

John smiled “She made songs? I never heard her do that.”

Twilight giggled to herself, as if at a funny memory “Yeah. There was this one where…”

The Hostess and Rarity stood back from the modeling dummy they had been working on. Pinned to it, in several parts, was the garment the Hostess had described.

“What do you think?” asked the fashionista.

“Hm. I think it’s as close as possible. I was a different shape when I wore it before.” The Hostess mused. Rarity didn’t react to the non-sequiter. The Hostess had figured out that she could say pretty much anything she wanted, and the unicorn wouldn’t say anything.

“Wonderful. All that’s left to decide the color. Pink, I would imagine?” Rarity asked, going to her fabric closet.

“Pink? No thank you.” The Hostess said. A wordless voice spoke up from the back of her head, disagreeing. “A simple dignified black and white” The voice spoke louder.

Rarity looked back at her. “You’re sure? No pink at all?”

The Hostess was doing her best to ignore the dissenting thoughts that streamed from her subconscious. “No thank you.”

“Absolutely none?”

The Hostesses mouth formed around an irritable ‘no’, but she staggered when the voice in her head redoubled in strength. “Fine. Just a little pink” she said through gritted teeth. As soon as the words left her lips, the thoughts disappeared.

As Rarity set about making the garment (“A matter of minutes dear, just wait in that chair”), the Hostess sat down and directed her thoughts inward.

Don’t think this sets a precedent, she thought fiercely at the darker corners of her mind, My mind is not a democracy.

A returning giggle informed her that if she didn’t want her mind to be a democracy, maybe she shouldn’t have put someone else in it.

The Hostess cursed under her breath as she waited for the garment.

The door of the boutique swung open with a jingle, interrupting Twilight.

“Shh, shh, here she comes” John whispered.

The Hostess stepped out dramatically. Decorating her top half was a light pink dress shirt with a black vest overlaying it. The chain of the watch dangled out of one of the pockets, and snaked into another. A darker pink loose bowtie, almost a red, fastened the shirt together at the neck.

“What do you think?” she asked.

Twilight and John both burst out laughing.

“Oh come on, it can’t be that bad.” The Hostess insisted.

“No, no no no. We’re not laughing at the vest” John chocked, wiping a tear from his eye as he held in the laughter “I was just telling Twilight that you’re really not an Evil Enchantress, and she should just learn to Giggle at the Ghostie”

Twilight’s face was similarly twisted as she held in her outburst “And I was saying that maybe, to relax, we should just go make some Cupcakes. I know a great recipe.”

They looked at each other, and then fell over laughing.

“We don’t have time to make cupcakes. What are you two talking about?”

Through her laughter, Twilight managed to say “Now now Hostess, You’ve Got To Care-“

“-You’ve Got To Share!” finished John, setting off a new round of laughter.

The Hostess glared at them. She was in a bad mood. First she had to deal with Rarity, then her tattoo, then she found out Pinkie was still hanging around in her head, and now they were laughing about something she didn’t understand. To make it worse, her mind kept playing clips of music she didn’t recognize. She suspected it had something to with this joke she wasn’t in on.

On the other hand, she found the laughter strangely uplifting. She couldn’t bring herself to interrupt it. She had a feeling that was more of Pinkie’s influence, but she sat down to wait for it to die out of its own accord anyway.

Meanwhile, at Sugarcube Corner, the door hung open revealing an empty shop. Several ponies trotted in, rang the bell, and then left a few minutes later. The Cakes were out, so there was nopony to answer. Of course, nopony even thought about stealing. Crime was nearly unheard of in Ponyville, and besides, everypony liked the Cakes. In fact, it probably would have been an uneventful (if unprofitable) day, if three particular fillies hadn’t shown up.

Discovering that the store was empty, it was decided that they would take charge and guard it from thieves. And if they were doing that, they might as well sell some things, right? And if they’re selling things, they should probably make things to replace them, right?

An excited cheer drifted out the door “Cutie Mark Crusader Shop Keepers! Yay!”

Chapter 4

1002 CE (2 years after the return of Princess Luna)

A large red pony slept, peacefully. He let out a small snort occasionally, body twitching whenever he did so. His cutie mark, an apple half, was almost completely concealed by the surface he lay on. This was the missing Big Macintosh, sleeping like a baby.

It would have seemed like any normal night, if it were not for the fact that he was spread eagled and strapped to a steel plate. Tiny wired suction cups were placed precisely on his body. All around him was a room of metal and rubber, an unnatural place that had no place in Ponyville.

Big Macintosh awoke, alerted by the natural clock that years of farm work had induced in him. He strained against his bonds, more out of principle then out of any real hope they would break. Big Macintosh was strong, but the rubbery straps were stronger. He tried each one in turn, first his front hooves, then his back, then the large one around his waist. All were secure. He relaxed and waited.

Big Macintosh was incredibly simple. Many ponies mistook that for stupid, but it was far from; he just saw the world as it was. Most ponies spent most of their lives worrying about the future, and the past, what could be and what would. For Big Macintosh, the world was a clear-cut place.

He had been kidnapped by creatures he didn’t recognize. That didn’t particularly bother him. There were a lot of creatures he didn’t know. Now he was strapped to a metal plate. He wasn’t very happy about it, but he didn’t see any point in worrying. That was the situation. He just waited for the situation to change to one he could do something about.

He stared at the blinking lights opposite his position, and thought about nothing in particular. What monks spend decades trying to achieve, Big Macintosh did naturally.

His non-thoughts were interrupted when one of his abductors entered the room. Big Macintosh only glanced at it for a second, and then looked back towards the blinking lights. The creature stalked in front of his field of view, a predator’s walk.

“I sssuposse you’d like me to let you go…” it hissed.

“Ehyup” Big Macintosh replied.

“Hah!” it laughed, a disgusting wet sound “Did you really think I would just release you?”

“Eh-nope” Big Macintosh replied, his low voice level.

The thing snorted, annoyed. It had been trying to make him angry. It enjoyed the anger of lower life forms. It found it entertaining. “We know about your family. Your sssistersss, and your grandmother.”

Big Macintosh stayed silent.

“Wouldn’t it be a ssshame if ssssomething were to… happen to them?” It asked with a hiss.

Big Macintosh turned his head to look at his attempted tormenter. “If you touch them, I will do my best to kill you.” He stated, voice quiet. It wasn’t a threat. It wasn’t a promise. It was just a fact. A necessity, a consequence of the way the world was.

A chill ran down what passed for the creature’s spine. Fear wasn’t something it was particularly well acquainted with. It had fought in a thousand battles, charged into war with no feeling in its heart but joy. However, there was something about the way this pony talked, in his calm, low voice. It was left with no illusions about what would happen to those who harmed the Apple family.

It padded quietly from the room, and left Big Macintosh to his Zen contemplation of the flashing lights.

When Twilight arrived home, all the lights were off. She opened the door and walked upstairs to find Spike asleep in his bed, and a note lying on her pillow.

“Not so worried after all. Why do I ever think you care where I am?” Twilight asked herself, smiling down at the sleeping dragon. She magically lifted the note from her bed, opening it with a thought. It was written in Spike’s angular, scratchy script.

Twilight-

I don’t know where you are, but I’m going to bed.

Don’t wake me up when you get home.

Dinner’s in the oven.

-Spike

Twilight gave a happy little jump. With all the excitement, she’d forgotten how hungry she was.

“Spike, you are the best.” She whispered, kissing him on the scaly forehead as she passed his basket. One foot twitched and he murmured “Mommy?” but didn’t wake up.

Twilight got her now cold dinner from the stove and floated it over to her work table. As she bent over to sweep the seismic charts from the table, a ruler fell out from behind her ear. She stared at it for a second, and let out a sudden bark of laughter.

Scooping it out of the way as well, she floated her All-Encompassing Atlas over to the table next to her dinner. As she took a bite of the potatoes, she flipped to G in the book.

“Gallifrey, Gallifrey… Hm.” It wasn’t there.

The Species Spotters guide was next. “Time… Time… Timean Monkey… No Time Lord or Mare.”

Magical Vehicles throughout the Ages had no mention of a TARDIS, and although there was a “Regenerate” spell detailed in The Tomb of Transformative Magics, it did not sound at all like what had been described to her.

She made an annoyed sound. Books had failed her, and she didn’t like that. Books were supposed to have all the answers. Out of ideas and exhausted, she tromped up to bed and flopped down on the mattress, falling asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow.

John walked back to his store, and noticed a white piece of paper taped to his door. Like Twilight, somepony had left him a note. Unlike Twilight, his note was written in the gentle, looping curves of a unicorn’s telekinetic grip.

John-

Came to pick up my watch today. You weren’t around.

Next time you tell me to get my order, please remember to stay in the shop.

-Lyra

John groaned and leaned forwards, his head hitting the door. He’d completely forgotten Lyra was picking up her order today. He couldn’t afford to lose Lyra, he was barely staying afloat as it was. Nopony wanted clocks made by an earth pony, and most of the bits he did make ended up in either his present for Mayor Mare, or his other project.

Lyra was his best customer. That pony had some strange obsession with watches, not that John was complaining. If he annoyed her enough to go to Canterlot for her watches, he’d lose half his business in one fell swoop.

John slammed his head against the door a few more times, picked up his mail, and then headed inside. The only unusual aspect of the mail was a large package, heavy enough to pull a grunt of effort from his lips when he picked it up.

Saving the package for later, he picked the last of the silver watch pieces off the floor. He regretted not letting Applejack help him pick them all up. Not that he particularly needed the help, but he didn’t get to see Applejack nearly enough.

“She’s your friend’s little sister” He muttered to himself as trotted into the kitchen “Off limits.”

He opened the icebox, and looked at the sparse selection. He managed to find some pre-packaged casserole that hadn’t quite passed the expiration date and threw it on the stove. He sorted through his mail as he waited for it to get warm enough to eat.

“Bill… bill… bill… oof, big bill…” He sorted through the array of envelopes, and then threw them aside in favor of the large package he’d brought in.

He gripped the plain twine bow in his teeth, and then pulled it free from the brown paper parcel. It unfolded easily, all in one piece, like a Hearth’s Warming Eve gift. John’s jaw dropped.

Inside the parcel was a cardboard box stuffed with bits, and a small white note, perfectly rectangular. On the note was blocky writing that John didn’t recognize.

There are precisely 2342 bits in this box.

Use them wisely. They are yours.

Do not worry about where they came from.

No return address. No stamps. Nothing to indicate it’d been through the mail system.

John stared. This was more money in one place then he’d ever seen. With these… with these he could pay off all his debt. He could buy any clockwork pieces he wanted. He could turn his business around, even expand it. He… He…

He couldn’t use them.

He didn’t know where they came from; he couldn’t put himself in debt to someone when he didn’t even know who they were. He didn’t know a lot about finance, but he knew owing a mysterious stranger was a bad idea. With a heavy sigh he rewrapped the package and shoved it in a cupboard. He added ‘investigation of mysterious bits’ to his mental to-do list, which was becoming overwhelmingly long.

He sighed again, but this time his nostrils detected the smell of smoke. He spun on his hooves and saw his casserole burning.

“OH, BUCK ME.” He yelled, exasperated. He hadn’t thought this day could get worse, but now people were sending him money, (which usually he’d file under ‘good news’, but these were strange circumstances) and his dinner was burnt.

But not, he decided after taking it off the stove, too burnt to eat. He picked up the pan with the special padded handle designed for those without horns to use, and headed towards his bedroom.

But instead of entering his ransacked domicile, he turned left and opened a slightly smaller than usual door. The door swung open with a creak, revealing steps leading down to the basement. Benches lined the walls, each one strewn with tools. He trotted down the stairs and sat on the floor, leaning against a large wooden cabinet that sat in the middle of the room.

Placing the casserole on the floor, he blew on it, and took a careful bite. It scorched his tongue, but he managed to swallow the bite.

“So.” He announced, seemingly to no-one “Your owner woke up. I suppose you sensed it”

The cabinet against which his back rested made a quiet noise, like a congested giant breathing out.

“Thought so. And no, she hasn’t asked about you.” John said.

The same noise.

“I’m sure she didn’t forget about you. She’s been busy. And I think she’s been having some trouble with her memories. That regeneration-disguise combo really did a number on her.” He took a few more bites of his casserole.

After a few moments of silence, during which John ate hungrily, the noise sounded again.

John lifted a hoof and patted the side of the cabinet. “Don’t worry, I’m sure she’s fine.” He polished off the last of the casserole, and then yawned “Well, I’m off to bed. See you tomorrow.”

The cabinet made the noise a few more times as John trotted up the stairs, and then quieted down for the night. Those who were watching would have gotten the strangest feeling that the box was sleeping.

The Hostess galloped through the door of cupcake corner, and then skidded to a halt. It looked fine. It was empty, except for a harmless looking pegasus with mismatched eyes. The cash register was where she had left it, and all the displays were full and unbroken. Her relief was cut short, however, when she noticed that the door behind the counter had smoke drifting out through the cracks.

She bolted for it, and the grey pegasus addressed her in a strange voice. “Pinkie, I think something’s wrong with your kitchen”

“I’m not Pinkie Pie. I’m a Time Mare called the Hostess” she yelled, in too much of a hurry to say anything but the truth.

“What’s a Time Mare? Is it like a Time Lord?” The googly eyed pony mused.

“Yes, yes, it’s… hold on.” The Hostess skidded to a halt yet again, inches from the kitchen door. “What did you just say?”

“Uhh… nothing.” The pegasus replied, backing towards the door.

The Hostess eyes narrowed as she followed her. “Did you just say Time Lord? How do you know about Time Lords?”

Both ponies stared at each other and then burst into a run at the same time. The pegasus managed to get to the door first, and she took off out of the Hostesses reach.

The Hostess stared after her, trying to figure out what that could possibly mean. How did that pegasus know about Time Lords? Had John told her? Was there another of her kind in Ponyville?

Kitchenkitchenkitchenkitchen Pinkie chanted, trying desperately to get the Hostesses attention.

“Damnit!” the Hostess shouted in frustration as she ran back towards the kitchen, mystery of the derpy pegasus pushed aside for the moment. She leaped over the counter, bouncing off all four feet at once. She pushed through the door to behold a bizarre tableau.

A small orange pegasus crouched near the door, wings beating furiously in an attempt to stop the smoke from escaping.

A sink that was somehow producing fire instead of water had its handle wrapped in a telekinetic field. The source of the field crouched on the other side of the room, a tiny white unicorn. She was trying desperately to turn it off.

A miniature earth pony was the most active of the three, bouncing around with a glass. She would fill it from the slushy mess on the floor, and then attempt to throw it on the fire. The pitiful attempt only seemed to encourage the flames.

All three stopped in their attempts as soon as the pink pony burst into the room. The Hostess’s face contorted into a mixture of horror, confusion, and anger.

All three fillies recognized that face. Sweetie Bell recognized it as the face Rarity made when she accidentally used her prized creations as towels. Applebloom recognized it as the face Applejack made when she forgot to lock the cellar and a day’s crop was eaten by animals.

Scootaloo recognized it as the face Rarity or Applejack made when she did pretty much anything.

All three fillies knew it meant it was time to run, and they all did so. The blown open back door provided a wonderful exit, and they used it with great haste. The Hostess stood, shocked, and heard the sound of a scooter driving away at top speed.

The Hostess tried to get angry. She could do something with anger. She could use it. Instead, she just felt tired and annoyed. They were just kids; she couldn’t really get mad at them.

She observed the carnage around her. How long do we have? She thought.

The Cakes get back in the morning, replied Pinkie Pie, worried.

“Right. Let’s get to work then” she said out loud. She attempted to crack her knuckles, and then felt foolish.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

John rolled over in his bed.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

He cracked open one eye to look at his alarm clock.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“What the…” he moaned, and then heaved himself out of bed.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“IT’S 5 AM!” John yelled as he stumbled down the hall way, eyes heavy with sleep.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“WHAT DO YOU WAN-“ he yelled as he flung the door open, managing to stifle a surprised scream for the first time in his life.

The Hostess looked terrible. Her clothes were covered in stains, her bowtie was undone, and her hair was frizzy and unkempt. Well, it was always frizzy and unkempt, but more so than usual. Bits of it fell over her face, but not far enough to obscure the giant bags under her eyes.

“I need your alarm clock” she said as she pushed past him, voice gravelly.

“Are you alright? You look…” He paused, looking for a word that wouldn’t hurt her feelings, and decided there wasn’t one. “…tired” he finished lamely. “Did you sleep?”

“No. Didn’t have time. Can you tell?” She asked, turning to him.

He nodded.

“Is it bad?”

He nodded again.

She sighed. “Alright, I’m going to try something. Just a sec.” Her eyes closed, and she took a deep breath in, and then let it out. And then exploded.

With a noise like a balloon inflating and a flash of pink light, the Hostess changed. Her hair was back into its customary puffs, the bags under her eyes were gone, and her bowtie was somehow tied. John tasted cupcakes for a second.

“Now, where is your bedroom?” She asked, voice back to normal.

John pointed. “How… how did you do that?”

“I didn’t. Pinkie Pie did. Don’t ask me how, I don’t know. She’s won’t tell me.” She trotted down the hall he’d indicated.

“So… wait, Pinkie Pie is still…” he asked, following.

“She’s still around, yes. Refuses to leave. Don’t tell Twi though, I-“

“Twi?” John interrupted.

The Hostess stopped in her tracks, and then pressed her head against the wall. “Don’t tell Miss Sparkle, I don’t want to get her hopes up.” She continued into John’s room.

John stood in the hallway, thinking about what he’d just learned. Pinkie Pie was still around. She was trapped in the Hostess and THE HOSTESS WAS IN HIS ROOM. He bolted through the door.

The Hostess had his alarm clock in her mouth, and was looking at the magazines she’d pulled out from under his bed. She looked at him, raised an eyebrow, smiled at the blushing stallion, and then left without a word.

John cursed his own carelessness as he grabbed his saddlebags. He had a feeling he’d end up carrying a lot of stuff today. He started to head out the door, but as an afterthought, he went to the basement and grabbed a tool from his workshop. Taking one last look around, he locked the store up. He made sure to leave Lyra’s watch on the stoop with an apology note, and headed to Cupcake Corner.

The Hostess pushed through the door of Cupcake Corner, and headed for the stairs. She was stopped by the voice of a female pony.

“Pinkie, what is this?” Asked Mrs Cake, a metal box balanced on her back. The box appeared to be the scorched remains of an oven, stuffed full of varied mechanical parts.

The Hostess tucked the clock into one of her pockets. Rarity had been quite generous with the pocket dimensions, at the Hostess’s request. She liked pockets, and now that she lacked hands, she liked them even more.

“That’s a microwave Mrs Cake” she replied, continuing up the stairs.

“What’s a ‘microwave’?” asked the befuddled baker pony. Pinkie Pie did strange stuff, but she had never rebuilt the kitchen from scratch before.

“Err… it’s like a faster oven. You know what, just don’t use it until I can explain it.” She bolted to her room before her boss could ask any more questions. The room was full of devices in the same style as the microwave, cobbled together out of bits and pieces. A large one dominated the centre of the room, the green goop spread on a baking tray in the middle of it.

John came through the door as she was fixing the alarm clock into place. He looked around the room in wonder. “What did you do last night?” He asked, stunned by the room around him.

“Well, for one, I think I advanced your culinary science by sixty years at least. But if you’re referring to these machines, only this one’s mine. The rest are Pinkie’s, and she refuses to tell me what they do.” she said, directing the last line at the giggle between her ears.

John started to be surprised at Pinkie’s mechanical prowess, and then realized he wasn’t. “Didn’t Pinkie have an alarm clock you could use?” he asked instead.

“She did, but it sort of exploded” the Hostess replied, gesturing to a piece of scorched clockwork embedded in the wall. “Oh, don’t worry, I’m ninety-eight percent sure it will work this time” she added, seeing the look on John’s face.

The pink pony finished hooking the new alarm clock up to the machine, and then flicked a switch. The whole thing began to rotate and make a horrendous grinding noise.

“Hostess” John began, speaking over the sound of the machine “I was thinking. Why do we need to identify this goop stuff? Why don’t you just tell us who’s following you?”

The Hostess’s body tensed up. This was a conversation she had wanted to avoid. “I don’t remember.” She shouted, slightly louder then she needed to do be heard.

“Hostess…”

“Oh, look, it’s done!” she interrupted, false excitement in her voice. “Read the numbers off the clock, if you would.”

John sighed, but obediently trotted over to his former alarm clock. It was still technically his, but he was pretty sure he wasn’t going to be getting it back. The hands spun wildly, both stopping on the same number every few seconds.

“7… 3… 3… 3… 9… 11… 2… 5… 10… 6… 6… 4” As he read off the final number, the alarm clock made a popping sound, smoked, and both hands fell off of the clock face. His feeling had been correct.

“Four? The last number was a four?” The Hostess asked, walking uncomfortably close to him. “You’re sure?”

“Yes I’m sure. Four.” John replied “I know how to read a clock”

“You’re sure it wasn’t perhaps another six?”

“Yes! It was a four.”

“Damnit” The Hostess muttered.

“What? What does that mean?” John asked, worried.

“Nothing. It doesn’t mean anything. It’s gibberish. So either the machine is broken “ she held a hoof to John’s mouth, stopping him from talking “-and it’s not, I’m sure of that- or we’re dealing with a creature without a defined genetic code.”

“Uhhh…” John made an exaggerated confused face.

“A shapeshifter. We’re dealing with a shapeshifter.” The Hostess explained.

“Oh. Alright, so what do we do?” John asked.

“Same thing we were going to do before. Go get Miss Sparkle, head down to Sweet Apple Acres, and look for clues.”

It was 5:30 AM when Spike was roused from his dreams of a particular white unicorn. Somepony was knocking at the door. He rolled over and tried to go back to sleep.

The knock rang out for a second time, but Spike had his pillow over his ears. He would have been able to get a few more hours of sleep, had not his pillow decided to float away from him.

“Spike, somepony’s at the door” Twilight murmured, levitating the pillow effortlessly.

“Why don’t you get it?” the dragon grumbled, already knowing the answer.

“Because you’re my assistant, and this is assisting me.” Twilight replied, not even fully awake. She brought Spike’s pillow up to her bed and put her head on it.

Spike stomped downstairs, ready to yell at whoever had interrupted his much needed rest. As soon as he opened the door though, his plans changed. “Oh, hey Pinkie Pie. What are you doing here? Who’s this guy?” There was no point yelling at Pinkie Pie. She either smiled all the way through, or, infinitely worse, started to cry.

“My word. You’re the dragon, yes?” the Hostess asked.

John rolled his eyes. “I’m John Smith. I’m a friend of Twilights. Can I go get her?”

Spike waved him in. “Uh, yeah Pinkie. I’m a dragon.”

John left the interrogating Time Mare and her victim behind as he trotted up the stairs.

His eyes spotted the purple unicorn lying comfortably in bed, sleeping peacefully, and a sense of schadenfreude spread his lips in an evil grin. After all, he rationalized as he tip-toed up to her bed, why didn’t she deserve the same rude awakening he got?

He leaned as close as he could over her ear, opened his mouth, screamed “MORNING TWILIGHT!”, and immediately regretted it.

Her eyes snapped open, pure white from top to bottom, and her horn exploded in a nova of light. A blast of pure force hit John in the chest, driving him into the air and across the room. He slammed into the wall, driving out what little air was left in his lungs. He slid to the floor, head spinning, and blacked out.

When he came to, a few seconds later, three Twilights were crouching over him, looks of worry on their faces. “Are you all right?” they asked, immediately before morphing together into two.

“…yes…” he grunted with lungs that refused to respond.

Two Twilights became one, and then hit him across the face. “Then you deserve it, you unbelievable mule.”

A pained chuckle escaped John’s lips as Twilight prepared herself for the day. He tenderly touched his underside, checking for broken ribs. He winced a few times at tender ones, but none seemed particularly painful. Not that he had any idea what a broken rib was supposed to feel like.

Twilight, mane brushed and face rinsed, walked up to him. She grudgingly held out a leg to help him. He gave her a smile, and accepted. She pulled him to his feet, and smiled back. An unspoken understanding was reached, and they walked down the stairs side by side.

Spike had been slowly backed across the room by the Hostess’s incessant questioning, and was now standing with his tail pressed into a corner. “Twilight?” He asked, nervously “Am I warm-blooded or cold-blooded?”

“Warm. Hostess, shouldn’t we get going?”

“Er… yes, of course. I’d just like to find out how he breathes fire, if I may-“

“Hostess.” John deadpanned.

“Oh, alright, fine. Let’s go” she said as she reluctantly turned away from the terrified baby dragon.

“I’ve got a question for you two actually” the Hostess mentioned as they walked through the door, her voice forcibly casual “Do either of you know a grey pegasus with mismatched golden eyes?”

John made a distasteful face “Oh, you mean Derpy Hooves?”

“John!” Twilight admonished him “Her name is Ditzy Doo. Derpy Hooves is not a nice thing to call her.”

"But that rainbow maned weather pony calls her Derpy all the time" John pointed out.

"Well, Rainbow Dash... is not very subtle." Twilight said carefully.

“I take it you don’t like her John?” observed the Hostess.

“No. I mean, I only met her once, so I guess I shouldn’t judge. But she was so annoying. She told me I was a doctor, and then got mad at me when I told her I wasn’t. Honestly, I don’t think she’s got a full load of-“

The Hostess spun to face him “A doctor, or the Doctor?”

John blinked “Is it important?”

“Extremely” she said, dead serious.

“Wait, what’s going on?” Twilight asked, only to be hushed by a pink hoof.

“Uh… I don’t know. It was years ago, I barely remember it at all.”

“John, it is vitally important that you remember. Did she call you the Doctor?”

“Umm… yeah, I think so. I thought it was weird at the time. Wait, why does this matter?”

“It doesn’t” she responded, turning back down the road.

“But you just said-” Twilight began.

“I know what I said. It’s a Time Mare thing. Don’t worry about it” she interrupted, the suggestion more of an order. As if to prove the conversation was over, she went around the corner as soon as she was finished talking.

And ran directly into Big Macintosh.

Chapter 5

1002 CE (2 years after the return of Princess Luna)

A grey pegasus with golden eyes fluttered desperately through the night. Ditzy Doo had never been a very strong flier, and the stress she was feeling wasn't helping. Her wings beat rapidly, inefficiently, and often at cross-purposes. It was only through sheer adrenaline from her encounter with the Hostess that she managed to stay afloat.

A cyan pegasus drifted effortlessly up next to her. "Hey Derpy. Where you going?"

"Oh, hi Rainbow Dash!" Ditzy panted. Rainbow was the only pony who called her 'Derpy' to her face. Honestly, Ditzy appreciated it. It was better then saying it behind her back like everypony else. Ditzy's eyesight may not have been very good, but her hearing was better then average. "I'm just on my way home!"

"You uh... you want some help?" Rainbow said, shooting her a half-smile.

"Oh! Thanks Rainbow!" Ditzy replied, giving an enthusiastic grin.

Rainbow Dash hooked her front legs underneath the struggling pony's and lifted her effortlessly. She'd been doing this since she was very young, when they were both growing up in Cloudsdale. Ditzy relaxed, letting the stronger pony carry her weight. She watched the ground zoom by below, Rainbow flying faster with her then she could have on her own.

They arrived at Ditzy's house in almost no time at all, and Rainbow dropped her onto the roof. It was a cloud house like Rainbow Dash's, but that's where the similarities ended. Ditzy's was little more then a few clouds pushed together into the rough shape of a box, but it kept the rain off.

"See ya Derpy." Rainbow said as she flew back the way they'd come.

"Bye Rainbow Dash!" Ditzy shouted after her. She'd never tell her, but that pony was her second best friend. She called her Derpy, and her words weren't very kind, but she was always willing to help her. She watched until Dash was out of sight, and then climbed down into her house.

She used her hooves to form a simple chair out of cloud stuff, and then sat down. She closed her eyes, crunched up her face, and thought as hard as she could about her best friend.

Halfway across the universe and six hundred years ago, words appeared on a piece of paper.

Doctor. Come back to Ponyville. I need you.

Bon Bon knocked on Lyra's door for the third time. She leaned back to look at the mailbox. 'Lyra Heartstrings' it said. She was in the right place, not that she could forget where Lyra lived.

She knocked again, exasperated. Lyra had been complaining all of yesterday that that earth pony watchmaker had forgotten her order. Bon Bon had finally suggested they go get it the next morning, and Lyra had agreed. Now here she was, the next morning, and Lyra wasn't answering her door.

With a sigh, Bon Bon reached down into her saddlebags and grabbed the key Lyra had given her. She could have just walked right in, but she didn't like to use it unless she had to. It was silly, but ponies talked. That's what happens when everypony knew everypony.

She unlocked the door and dropped the key back in her bag. The door creaked open, and she stepped through. She closed the door behind her, and shouted for the mint-green unicorn. There was no reply.

She headed up the stairs. "Lyra!" she shouted again. "Where is that pony?" she asked herself as only her echo answered. She pushed open the door to Lyra's bedroom, hoping she was still asleep. The bed was empty, curtains fluttering in the wind. She walked over to the open window and closed it. As she brought her hooves down, one brushed against something soft and wet on the windowsill.

She recoiled from the disgusting feeling, and then leaned forward to examine it. Spread on the windowsill was some greeny gunk that Bon Bon didn't recognize.

"Yech" she said, and then left to search the rest of the house. She forgot about the strange substance, and Lyra was nowhere to be found.

"Oh, so sorry" apologized the Hostess to the much larger pony she'd just bounced off.

"Excuse me, Ms Pie" apologized the huge red stallion at the same time.

The Hostess was about to ask Pinkie who she was talking to when John came around the corner and answered her question.

"Big Macintosh?" he blurted, surprised "Are you alright?"

"Eh-yup."

Twilight's head popped around the corner. "Wait, we found him?"

John ignored her. "Have you seen Applejack yet? She's been worried sick about you."

"Eh-yup."

"Wait, I'm sorry. Where have you been for the last three days?" the Hostess asked, disbelief in her eyes.

"It's private. I have to go." Big Mac rumbled, and then walked past them all into town.

All three ponies stared after him for a sec.

"Is he always that... curt?" asked the Hostess after a second.

"Yeah, that was pretty much classic Big Mac" John replied.

"So... are we done?" Twilight asked.

"Of course not. Even if Big Macintosh wasn't kidnapped, we still found the green gunk. Something's been at Sweet Apple Acres" the Hostess answered, already turning back towards the road ahead.

They had gone little more then half a mile when they bumped into Applejack. "Well lookie, it's the frensics three. I was looking for y'all, Big Macintosh came back. Turns out he was just at a Marefriend's."

"Yeah, we just bumped into him in town" John replied.

"What? Nah, ya couldn't have. He's back at the farm, cleaning the barn."

John and the Hostess shared a look. Instantly, they both burst into a run towards Sweet Apple Acres.

"Now where are they off to in such a hurry?" Applejack asked Twilight, scratching her head.

"I don't know, but I'm going to find out. Bye Applejack, we'll catch up later." Twilight replied, shouting the last few words over her shoulder as she ran after the two other ponies.

Applejack shook her head and continued down the road. Pinkie Pie was no surprise, and Twilight could get caught up in things, but she'd never pegged John for anything like this. "Well, you never really know a pony..." she mused out loud as she headed into town.

By the time Twilight managed to catch up, the group was among the apple trees. "What... is going on?" she panted.

"The Hostess said... said the green stuff came from a..." John huffed, winded himself.

"It was from a shape-shifter. I'm thinking whatever it is still has Big Macintosh and is impersonating him. That's how he can be in two places at once." the Hostess finished, not even breathing heavy.This body might lack fingers, but it was good for running. Better, she observed, then most pony's.

"Oh, so... you knew there was a... a shape-shifter, and you didn't... even question Big Mac?" Twilight wheezed.

Before either John or the Hostess could respond to Twilight's accusation, they arrived at the barn. The same large red pony they had seen in town was busy pushing the wooden panel they'd knocked over yesterday back against the wall.

"Ms Pie. Ms Sparkle. John" Big Macintosh greeted them in turn, then turned back to his work. The three ponies he'd nodded to drew each other into a huddle.

"What do we do? How do we figure out if that's Big Mac?" John asked in a whisper.

"Alright, here's what we do. John, you know him best. Go talk to him, and see if he acts the same. In addition, ask him a question only he-"

The Hostess was interrupted by a humongous slam as the heavy wooden board fell for the second time in as many days. Today, however, it was pushed by Twilight Sparkle's magic, and it landed on Big Macintosh.

"Or that. That works" the Hostess finished lamely as Twilight bounded towards the trapped pony.

"What was that for Ms. Sparkle?" asked the pony, trying his best to push out from under the board. However, although he had been able to lift it before, he had no leverage now. His muscles strained, but the board didn't move.

"We know you're not Big Macintosh. You're some kind of shape-shifter" Twilight said, triumphantly.

Big Macintosh looked angry for a split second, and then resigned. He let out a sigh, and then changed his form. His features melted like wax, changing into something altogether alien.

Twilight jumped back and screamed at the sight, and John looked like he was going to throw up. Only the Hostess kept a straight face, but inside, she was just as horrified.

The creature was roughly pony shaped. Four legs, a body, and a head. Those basic similarities only served to accentuate the vast differences.

It was completely clear of hair, and was covered in crusty, green skin. A layer of mucus coated every inch of its body giving it a slimy appearance. Its skin clung tight to its bones, making it look like it was starving. Most disturbing was its face. Where a pony would have eyes, nostrils, and a mouth, this thing only had flat green skin.

A crack opened in the things face, revealing a mouth that literally stretched from ear to ear. Far too many sharp teeth winked out from the crack. It grinned widely at each of them in turn. John stumbled back, Twilight looked away, and the Hostess just closed her eyes. "What gave me away?" it hissed.

"We saw another of you back in town. Sloppy to have more then one of the same form out and about, Falaxaporian" the Hostess replied, wielding the species name like a knife.

If possible, the creature grinned wider. "So you know what I am. Congratulations."

"I know that for you to make such a close copy of another creature, you must have him hooked up somewhere. Where is he?" the Hostess asked, trying to sound menacing. She still wasn't looking at the creature.

A disgusting wet hiccuping escaped from the creatures lips. It took the Hostess a few seconds to realize it was laughing. "Yeah, there's no way I'm telling you that. Now either let me up, or kill me."

She stepped onto the plank that lay on the creatures chest, still not looking at it. "Tell me" she said, but instead of sounding angry, she just sounded tired. She regretted not sleeping the night before.

The creature laughed louder.

The Hostess paused. She didn't know what to do. She looked at Twilight, and then at John. They both looked terrified. The Hostess realized this would be their first encounter with an obviously alien race.

She closed her eyes. They couldn't help. She had to take charge now. She couldn't keep being the entitled spoiled child like she had for the last two days. She'd complained, and mocked, and avoided the truth. Hell, she had kicked John in the shin. On top of that, she had started missing things. She should have been suspicious of Big Macintosh, but she had been distracted by her own problems.

She couldn't do that anymore. She had to show them that she could defeat these creatures. She had to be the Time Lord.

She took a deep breath and retreated into her own mind. She'd never been the master of mental control Time Lords liked to pretend they were. Honestly, she'd never been good at a lot of the things Time Lords said they were. She was terrible at math, time travel made her head hurt, and her psychic sensitivity was well below universal par. She'd never be the most self controlled, but she could enter her own mind.

She found herself standing in a huge empty room. In her head, she was still humanoid. Still that pants wearing monkey that had crash landed in a field.

A pink pony bounced out of the darkness in the back towards her. "Oh, hi Hostess! It's so nice to finally meet you-"

She was cut off when a wall rose from the floor. The Hostess had raised it with a minor effort of will. This was a calming exercise she was about to go through, and Pinkie Pie was not conducive to calm.

She brought three more walls up, creating a room around herself. Out of the floor rose a trash bin. The Hostess gathered all her worries and bothers around her, and began the cleanse.

First, the physical troubles. The exhaustion was first. She wadded it up and threw it in the bin. The stabbing pain in her side that she really hoped wasn't massive organ failure. Into the bin it went, along with the worry that it was killing her. The general problems that came with being in a different body went in after it, and then on to the mental distractions.

Her worry that she wasn't good enough to stop this. Into the bin. Her worry that she had killed Big Macintosh. Into the bin. She gathered up all her guilt; for essentially killing Pinkie Pie, for bringing these creatures here, for lying about the Doctor, for scaring those fillies, for waking up John, for involving either John or Miss Sparkle in this whole thing. All that guilt was rolled into a giant ball, and then pushed in the bin.

Finally, she made a copy of her old monkey body. It hovered in front of her, slowly rotating. She watched it for a few seconds, and then morphed it into a pink pony body. This is who you are now. Deal with it, she thought. She looked down at her mental representation, and it matched her physical body. She was an equine now, in both mind and body.

She was about to leave her mind, but thought better of it. She brought down all the walls, and faced the pink pony that was bouncing on the other side. "I'm sorry Pinkie. I'm sorry for taking you away from your friends."

"Oh, it's okay! I mean, I'm sad I'm not with my friends anymore, but it weren't for you, I'd never have existed in the first place!" Pinkie grinned.

The Hostess smiled back, nodded, and then left her head. The cleansing had taken several minutes in her head, but only a second or two had passed in the real world.

John saw her eyes open. They looked different. She had been tired and annoyed before. Now she looked... focused. He'd only seen that look in a ponies eyes once before, when a Manticore had grabbed Applebloom from Sweet Apple Acres. Big Macintosh's eyes had looked exactly the same as the Hostess's did now.

She turned to look at the still laughing creature, looking exactly where its eyes would have been. "Tell me. Have you ever heard of the Doctor?"

The creature's laughter cut off. A look flitted across its face.

"Ah, I see you have. Most monsters have. The Daleks call him the oncoming storm. He is the only creature they have ever feared. Well, I'm obviously not him. But I am one of his kind. And let me tell you this."

She leaned forwards, her nose almost touching its. "He is not unique" she snarled, leaning back and aiming a kick at its head. The thing flinched from the blow, but it softened halfway down and turned into a caress.

"So let me tell you what is going to happen" she said, her voice soft, hoof slowly grazing against the creatures chin "I know you won't tell me where they are. So you won't. Instead, we're going to let you up, and you're going to run. You're going to run back to your kin, and you're going to tell them about me."

She leaned forwards again, the soft caress turning into a stranglehold as she pressed her front hoof into its neck. "You're going to tell them that a Time Lord is coming, and that she. IS. ANGRY!" she said, voice rising into a bellow. "Understood?"

The creature nodded, unable to speak.

The Hostess stepped off the board, and nodded at Twilight. Luckily, the unicorn was present enough to lift the board with her magic, letting the creature scramble away. It skittered to its misshapen hooves, and then galloped away as fast as it could.

As the Hostess watched it go, John watched the Hostess. He couldn't help remembering what had happened when the Manticore had taken Applebloom. Big Macintosh had disappeared into the forest, and returned with Applebloom three hours later.

His hooves had been coated in blood.

Chapter 6

Bon Bon sat outside the Three Leaf Clover cafe and munched on a sandwich. She had been mad at Lyra at first, but now she was just worried. Nopony had seen Lyra since the day before, and it wasn't like her to go off somewhere without telling Bon Bon.

She was just swallowing the last bite of her sandwich, her head down, when she heard the seat across from her creak under the weight of another pony. She looked up, her mouth full, to see the unicorn she'd been looking for all day sitting on the other side of the table.

"La-rah, whaa haf-" she started to say. Hearing herself, she paused, swallowed, and tried again. "Lyra, where have you been? I've been looking for you all day."

"Oh, around" Lyra responded, gesturing vaguely with one hoof. "Come with me, I've got something really cool to show you" she continued, hopping down from the seat.

"Oh, alright. I just need to pay the bill and-" Bon Bon began, but was cut off when Lyra dropped twenty bits or so on the table. "Oh... thanks Lyra" Bon Bon said, confused. It wasn't like Lyra to just throw out money like that.

"Now let's go. You really need to see this." Lyra walked away from the table, and Bon Bon followed.

"Did you go to pick up your watch?" the earth pony asked as they walked.

"Huh? Oh, yeah. I got the watch. Come on, it's down here" Luna responded absently, before heading down a set of stairs into a basement. She opened the door, winked back at Bon Bon, and walked inside.

Bon Bon sighed and followed. It was things like that wink that made ponies talk, but she'd never managed to convince Lyra of that. Or rather, she'd never managed to make Lyra care. She got to the bottom of the stairs and stepped through the door.

It was dark on the other side, and Bon Bon couldn't see anything. The door closed, and she jumped, but her night vision was just active enough to show her that the unicorn had done it.

As her eyes adjusted, a strange sight greeted them. Rather then a room of stone, as she imagined, it was a room of metal and rubber. She turned to face Lyra, who was slowly walking towards her, and grinning.

"Lyra, what is this place?"

Lyra ignored her question, and kept walking towards her. Her grin grew wider and wider, extending past normal lengths. Eventually it reached literally from ear to ear, revealing an array of teeth much too sharp for a pony.

Bon Bon screamed and stumbled backwards, her hindquarters bumping up against the wall. "Lyra, your mouth... how are you doing that?"

The thing that was wearing Lyra's face stepped towards her, slowly and deliberately. "I apologize for the deception, but I am not your friend" it said, drinking in her fear.

"What are you? Where's Lyra?" she yelled, striking out at the creature with a hoof.

The thing caught it and twisted her leg painfully. Bon Bon cried out, tears welling in her eyes. Its skin rippled as it assumed its true form.

"So feisssty..." it hissed. "I'm going to enjoy being you."

The Hostess watched the monster go, and then turned back to her companions. That terrifying focus was no longer in the forefront of her eyes, but John could see it in the background. "Right" she said "now we follow it. Miss Sparkle, if I could ask you to carry something..."

The pink pony reached into one of her inner pockets and pulled out a strange looking device that appeared to be made of an eggbeater, a packet of matches, and the contents of a fair sized cutlery drawer. She held in her teeth for a second, and then threw it into the air to Twilight to catch.

It clattered to the ground.

"Wha-What was that?" Twilight stammered, eyes wide and pupils tiny. "Pinkie, what's going on?"

"Oh dear, we're back to Pinkie are we? That my dear was a Falaxaporian, leeches of the universe. A type of alien, just as I am."

"No. No, you're my friend Pinkie Pie, and you're just playing a game. This is just some weird game of yours. We're going to go home now, and everything will be fine."

"Ah. I see. John, are you doing all right?" the Hostess asked, turning to the stallion. He was white as a sheet, but he nodded. The Hostess turned back to the panicking unicorn.

"Twilight, I understand. You just got over your friend suddenly claiming to be somepony else, and now you've seen something that is very distinctly not a pony. You're probably going into shock, and I don't blame you."

Twilight opened her mouth, but the Hostess stopped her from talking with a hoof. "But here's the thing you have to understand. Everything I've told you is true. I am a Time Mare called the Hostess. That thing was an alien that is kidnapping your friends and using their forms. So you need to make a choice. I could use your help on this, but if you doubt me when it really counts, you could get all three of us killed. You need to decide whether I'm just playing a game, in which case you go home, or whether I'm telling the truth, and you help me stop these things."

She removed her hoof from Twilight's mouth. "You need to decide, Miss Sparkle. Right now. Come with me, or go home."

Silence filled the barn, thick and heavy. Twilight looked from the Hostess to John, and then back. Her horn lit up, and the device she had let fall lifted into the air.

"Thank you Miss Sparkle" the Hostess said, softly.

Twilight gave a weak smile. "So how are we going to follow that thing? What is this... eggbeater?"

"Ah! That is the clever bit" the Hostess announced proudly. "See, the thing about your Falaxaporian is that it's covered with a layer of mucus, and it leaves a little of that wherever it goes. Not enough to see, but enough to detect. That's where this comes in. Miss Sparkle, twist the handle if you would."

Twilight did so. The top half of the device whirled in place, and somewhere from within the depths came a slight beeping noise.

"That, my dears, is a goopy-woopy detector. Goes ding when there's gunk. Built it to search the barn with, but now that I know what I know what we're dealing with, it'll be much more handy. So all we have to do is follow the trail that our disgusting friend left behind, and he'll bring us right to his front door."

"You see, Falaxaporians are essentially the ultimate parasite species" the Hostess explained as they followed the winding path through the orchard. "They don't make anything for themselves. When they find a new race, they kidnap them and use their forms to capture the others. They don't even make their own buildings, they just attach on to preexisting ones. They steal food, they steal technology, they steal spaceships, it's actually quite amazing."

"What's a 'spaceship'?" asked Twilight, following the strongest beeping from the detector.

"Oh, it's just a craft used to travel from planet to planet. A ship that goes through space, get it?"

Twilight cocked an eyebrow at her. "What do you mean 'space'? Just like... through the air? And what are planets?"

The Hostess stopped in her tracks and looked at her two pony followers. "Err, hold on. What are the stars?"

John just shrugged, but Twilight had learned quite a bit on the subject. "They're pieces of the moon that slowly fractured off, and now hover in the heavens with it."

"I... see. Yes, spaceships just move through the air" the Hostess said carefully, and then continued walking.

Twilight shot John a questioning look. John replied with a look that said that all that had gone over his head. They followed after the retreating pink flank.

It was a few minutes later when they ran into a small hill. A small door, slightly discolored, was embedded in the side of it. They wouldn't have noticed it if the detector hadn't lead them straight to it.

"This would be it. The Falaxaporian spaceship. Don't be fooled by appearances, this isn't a hill. They're masters of disguise in technology as well as biology" the Hostess said, running her hooves across the door. She put her side to it and pushed, but it refused to budge. "Hm. Locked. I suppose we knock."

"Wait" John said, speaking for the first time since the barn. "I think I have something that can help with this." He reached his head into his bag, retrieving a silver cylinder. He leaned his head down next to the door, and a strange whining buzz rung out. A few seconds later, the door slid open with a click and a whoosh.

The Hostess stared at him in disbelief. "What did you just do?" she asked.

"Oh, well this is a sonic-" he began to reply, tucking the cylinder half in one of his bags so he could speak clearly.

"I know what it is" she interrupted. "It's a sonic screwdriver. It's MY sonic screwdriver."

"Oh. I'm sorry. Do you want it back?" John asked, startled by the sudden heat in her voice.

The Hostess reached towards his bag to take it back, but then stopped herself. "Actually, no. You keep it. I was always garbage with it anyway" she turned to the darkness behind the door. "Right. I'm going in for a quick look around. You two keep lookout."

Both John and Twilight started to protest, but the Hostess had that look in her eyes again. They both shut up.

"Alright. I'll be back soon" she said, and then stepped as quietly as possible into the dark ship.

Big Macintosh wasn't thinking about anything when he heard the clop of hooves coming towards him. He watched the blinking lights as they noise approached. He only looked towards the source when a familiar voice said "Big Macintosh?"

He looked over and saw a pink pony, nothing like the green things that had surrounded him the rest of the time. "Ms. Pie. Could ah ask you to let me down?"

She blinked but began to loosen the straps with her teeth "That's it?" she said, between straps "No begging, no pleading, no thanking the gods I came along?"

"Would you like me to?"

She giggled. "No, that's all right. Call me the Hostess, by the way. I'm actually an alien that fell from the sky six years ago, and has been living as a pony ever since" she said as she undid the last strap, turning to look at the blinking lights.

Big Mac removed all the suction cups from his coat with a shake. "Alright, Hostess" said the huge red pony, stretching out his muscles.

"You don't believe me, do you?" asked the Hostess absently as she tried to pry meaning from the patterns and shapes the lights formed. "You think I'm just Pinkie playing another game."

"The thought crossed mah mind" said Big Mac in his low, even voice.

"Hm" replied the Time Mare. The blinking lights were saying something very bad. This was just a base camp, they had spread to town. They had begun their gradual take over of Ponyville. Now if she could just figure out which buildings they were using...

She was interrupted from further information gathering when they heard the sound of hooves drifting down the hall. The Hostess looked around wildly, but that was the only way out. They were trapped by whatever was coming down that hall.

The Hostess knew that is these small chambers, without the element of surprise, a Falaxaporian could tear them both apart.

"Alright. I have a plan" she said.

Something that looked like Big Macintosh walked through town. He was just talking to the owner of a small vegetable cart, seeing if he could convince her to come into a basement with him, when he felt something strange happening.

He grunted, suddenly nauseous, and stumbled away from the cart. He heard the vegetable mare ask if he was alright, but he couldn't respond. He fell to the ground, and snarled at the pain of the impact.

She ran up and stood over him, but then jerked back. "Your mouth? What's wrong with your mouth?" she yelled, terrified.

Only now did the Falaxaporian realize what was happening. It'd heard about it, but never felt it itself. Its disguise was failing. He felt the last layer come down, and he was lying in his true form.

In a crowded marketplace full of ponies.

The Falaxaporian, whose name would be written as Gr-Drraz, ambled towards the prisoner room. It had just gotten word that the red pony disguise had been compromised, and they had other ponies now. Soon, it'd be allowed to kill the large terrifyingly calm pony. It had decided to inform him of that fact. Hopefully that would get a reaction.

It turned the final corner, but instead of seeing the prisoner strapped to his slab, a pink pony leaned against it casually. She seemed to be examining her front hoof, standing on her back two. As he watched, she looked up, seemingly surprised to see him.

"Oh, hello" she said with a slight smile. "Come here often?"

"Whhhhere issss the prisssoner?" Gr-Drraz hissed.

"Oh, Big Macintosh? I let him down. He didn't seem to be enjoying himself. Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against straps, but only if all involved parties are into that sort of thing" she said, a hint of laughter entering her voice.

Gr-Drraz paused in recognition. "I know you. You're that Time Lord Slak was crying about" it said.

"Passed on my message did he? Well let me give you the longer version" the intruder said, becoming serious. "You leave, now, or I get rid of you. I am the Hostess, and I am claiming this world as my party. And a good hostess always removes the guests who make trouble."

"You do not have the power to ssstop usss" Gr-Drazz growled, smiling ear to ear. "I think I'll just kill you now" it continued, beginning to stalk towards her.

"You're right, I don't have the power to stop you. Which is why a good hostess also has..." the Hostess said, pausing until the creature had stepped into the room "... a bouncer" she finished.

Exactly on cue, Big Macintosh bounded out of the shadows, spun, and planted both hooves as hard as he could in the side of his tormenter.

Now, Gr-Drazz was an experienced warrior. He had reflexes almost as sharp as his teeth. He was strong, and tough. He was trained in all manners of firearms and melee weapons. One on one, he could destroy any pony in Ponyville.

However, when you are blindsided by a few hundred pounds of pony muscle driving a dozen pounds of steel, the only thing that really matters is your weight. Gr-Drazz did not have enough of it.

He flew into the air like a rag doll, hit the metal wall with a sickening crunch, and fell to the ground.

"RUN!" yelled the Hostess, already fleeing for the exit. Big Mac followed close behind.

Twilight and John stood in silence outside. The Hostess had gone inside a while ago, and boredom was beginning to offset tension.

"So... Applejack" said Twilight.

John rolled his eyes. "Oh sweet Celestia no."

"Hey!"

"What?" said John confused by the sudden shout.

"Don't take Celestia's name in vain" reprimanded Twilight.

John rolled his eyes even harder.

"I can see you doing that you know" said Twilight, beginning to giggle.

"I know you can, that's the point" said John, exaggerating the movement even more.

"Seriously though, Applejack" said Twilight, forcing a serious face.

"I'm not talking about it" said John, facing away from her.

"I'm not against it, I'm just sayi-"

"LALALALALALA I'M NOT LISTENING" shouted John, hooves over his ears.

"LOOK, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TALK, JUST LISTEN!" shouted Twilight, attempting to be heard over his voice.

"LALALALALA!" shouted John.

"JUST LISTEN!" shouted Twilight.

"RUN!" shouted the Hostess, bursting out from the door.

She was followed closely by Big Macintosh, who didn't shout anything.

"What'd did you do?" asked Twilight, running with them.

"Poked the hornet's nest!" replied the Hostess.

A small shout escaped Johns lips, moments before he galloped past Twilight. She turned to see what had frightened him.

Three Falaxaporians, all in their natural forms, were charging across the ground towards them. All were snarling and snapping.

Twilight screamed, her legs going into a whole new rhythm without her intervention.

The Hostess looked around, evaluating her companions to see who was likely to fall behind. Big Macintosh was running in long even strides that ate up ground deceptively fast. Twilight and John were both running with the haphazard rhythm of panic, but Twilight seemed a lot better at it. Clearly she'd had some experience with running for her life.

The Hostess was surprised to notice she was outpacing them all. She was even more surprised to notice she was doing it by bouncing. Not running, or jumping, but bouncing off all four hooves over and over.

A giggle sounded behind her left eyeball. Sorry Hostess, but you weren't paying attention to the legs, so I figured I'd do it said Pinkie, not sounding apologetic at all.

Although it was worrying to think that Pinkie could usurp motor control like that, the Hostess had to admit that this was a surprisingly quick way to travel. She decided to leave control of the legs to her eternally happy passenger for now.

"We've just got to get to town" she yelled. "They won't follow us there, it's not how they operate."

As they galloped through the forest, Twilight's imagination began to torment her. She was at the back of the pack, John's slightly longer legs giving him an advantage. She pictured the sharp-teethed monsters pulling up behind her, mouths gaping. She could almost feel the hot breath on her back.

She was just imagining the pain of those long sharp teeth closing on her leg, piercing the flesh and breaking the bone, when a voice suddenly spoke in her ear. The unexpected sound brought all her fears to the forefront of her mind. She screamed and leaped into the air, flailing her limbs in an attempt to hit the source.

"What's the hurry?" asked the voice.

The three other skidded to a halt at the sound of Twilight's scream, ready to save her from the horrific monsters. However, the scene behind them was not the one of carnage they expected. Instead, Twilight lay stunned on the ground, staring up at the cyan pegasus who hovered above her.

"Jeez. You're edgy today, egghead" said Rainbow Dash, poking Twilight in the horn.

"Did you see the green things that were chasing us?" asked the Hostess, scanning the woods for any sign of the murderous aliens.

"Uhh, those are trees Pinkie. They don't move" explained Rainbow in a patient voice. "Hey Big Mac."

"Ms. Dash."

"Who's the colt?" asked the pegasus, darting over to John. She had apparently already forgotten about the terrified running.

"I'm not a colt. I'm a stallion" snapped John, testy from the adrenaline.

"Psh. Whatever" the brash mare responded, rolling her eyes.

"This is John Smi-" began Twilight, only to be interrupted.

"Hey! I know who you are!" Dash said, poking John hard in the cutie mark. "You're that earth pony watchmaker."

"Rainbow, be nice" warned Twilight.

"What? I'm always nice. When am I not nice?" the hovering pony responded, acting hurt. "I'm sure you know who I am" she told John proudly.

John in fact did, but he wanted to take this annoying pegasus down a peg. "No, I don't, sorry. Who are you?"

If anything, she seemed even happier to have a reason to introduce herself. "Only Rainbow Dash, the most awesome pony in Ponyville."

The word 'awesome' wormed into the Hostesses ears and sparked some latent brain cells. "Rainbow Dash! I know you! We're friends" she blurted as a series of images flooded her mind.

"You are so random Pinkie" chuckled Rainbow Dash. She turned back to John. "Man, that must suck, working with gears and stuff."

John bristled. She had hit a nerve. "Oh, and why exactly would that suck? Because I'm not a unicorn?"

She blinked, surprised. "No, I just couldn't deal with tiny screws and stuff all day. I'd go crazy. I took apart my clock once. It didn't go great." She turned back to Twilight and the Hostess. "See you guys later. I've got some weather stuff to do" she said, and accelerated into the sky.

The four earthbound ponies continued on their way back to town, keeping an eye out for any flashes of green. "Sorry about her" apologized Twilight. "Rainbow can be a bit..."

"Unbearable?" finished John.

Twilight giggled. "No. Well, okay, sometimes. But she's loyal to a fault, and she liked you."

"What made you think that? Was it the way she called me a colt? Or was it when she belittled my career?"

"She talked to you" responded the purple unicorn. "Most ponies she just sort of ignores. And she didn't belittle it, she said she couldn't do it. Which is not something she does a lot."

John grunted grumpily. She was right, now that he thought about it, but he wasn't going to admit it.

As soon as they set hoof on the road, the Hostess turned to Big Macintosh. "You should go home. Your family needs to see you."

"Eeyup. John. Ms Sparkle. Hostess." He walked away without another word.

"You two alright? Not hurt or anything?" the pink pony asked her two companions. Both responded in the negative.

"Wonderful" she said, and then slowly fell to the side. She grunted with pain as she hit the road."I think I'm dying."

"What!?" screamed Twilight. "How? Did you get bit?" she asked, checking the mare for wounds.

"No. I think it's massive organ failure. I've been getting piercing pains since this morning" she said, eyes beginning to glaze over. "I shouldn't have interrupted the regeneration process. You two need to find someone else to help you."

"No, no, no, you're going to be fine. We're going to get you to a doctor" said Twilight, taking charge. John heaved the fallen pony onto his back, and began to run down the street as fast as he could under the weight.

"Maybe it's just food poisoning" he suggested. "What was the last thing you ate?"

A conspicuous silence rose from his back.

He stopped in the street, looking over his shoulder, fearing the worst. However, her eyes were still open and focusing. "What was the last thing you ate?" he repeated.

"Er... depends. What was the last thing Pinkie ate?" she said sheepishly.

"You haven't eaten?" asked Twilight, disbelievingly. "Do Time Lords not eat?"

"No, no, we do. I just sort of... forgot. Sorry. Do either of you have a snack or something?" she said, embarrassment in her voice.

Twilight made a growling noise deep in her throat, but pulled a wrapped sandwich out of one of her bags. John dumped her on the ground so she could eat.

"I really am sorry. This whole adventure thing isn't exactly my forte. The Doctor was always the one who did things like this" she said between bites.

"Okay, that's three times you've mentioned him. You have to tell us now. Who's the Doctor? Why did you use him to threaten that monster?" asked Twilight, curiosity erasing all remnants of concern.

"Oh, he was just another Time Lord. We knew each other when we were young. He used to do this sort of thing all the time, drop into planets and save everyone. That's why he called himself the Doctor. He made people better. He was the Time Lord, the one all the other races thought of. The one all the monsters feared" she said, and then paused to take a bite. She chewed and swallowed. "Of course, that was before he killed our entire race" she said casually, and then took another bite.

John and Twilight's jaws dropped.

"He- he did what?" stuttered Twilight.

"Oh, no, I don't blame him. We were being incredible asses, we deserved it. He had to" the Hostess said, her mouth full.

Before either John or Twilight could investigate further, a familiar purple and green dragon scampered up to them. "Twilight! There you are. Where have you been? Never mind, tell me later. Mayor Mare needs to see you. Some green monster appeared in the market and attacked a bunch of ponies."

All three ponies looked at each other, and ran off on tired legs.

Spike ate the abandoned sandwich.

Chapter 7

The Falaxaporian that had so recently been Big Macintosh looked around. It was surrounded by gaping, terrified ponies. The vegetable seller that had been talking so politely to it a moment ago was backed up into her own crop, squashing her livelihood without a second thought.

Not a word had been spoken since it had finished its transformation. A few ponies had run, screaming, from the marketplace, but nothing intelligible. Those ponies that had stayed hadn’t made a peep, staring at it with huge fearful eyes. They seemed to be rooted to the spot, paralyzed with fear.

In its (extensive) experience, that state didn’t last long. If it was going to get a few before they all ran, it’d have to move fast. A horrible, evil grin spread over its face. It had been a long time since it had been able to cut loose and just kill.

This was going to be fun.

Justice Bars, Ponyville’s token law enforcement, was scared. Partly of the green thing that had recently attacked the marketplace, but more so of the strange pink pony who was now yelling at her.

Justice didn’t deserve this. This was her first week on the Ponyville police force. Rather, it was her first week as the Ponyville police force. Being the sole officer of the law in the small town was considered a dead end for a police pony. She’d been transferred from a promising career in Canterlot after she’d been scapegoated for a superior’s mistake.

In short, she was a good cop who had done nothing to earn the energetic, intimidating attention of the Hostess.

“No, wait, hold on. I don’t understand” the Hostess was saying. “That’s a Falaxaporian.”

“That’s what it keeps saying” agreed Justice. The creature had kept saying the word like Justice should know what it meant.

“A Falaxaporian. The ultimate parasite species. Teeth sharp enough to rip steel, and they’re all trained from birth in battle. They have ripped entire civilizations apart and devoured them, and you captured one-in a civilian area-without any casualties?” the Hostess shouted in disbelief, gesturing to the green creature chained to the wall of Ponyville’s only cell.

“Well hold on” protested Justice. “We had casualties. Berry Punch got a nasty bite on the leg, and Caramel’s got a few cracked ribs.”

“Yes all right, but nopony DIED. What the he-“ The Hostess reconsidered her planned obscenity, thinking of the mother from earlier. “...Hay did you do?”

“…We kicked it?” suggested Justice in a questioning tone.

“I’ve seen those things keep on fighting with missing limbs!” the Hostess yelled, exasperated.

Justice looked to Twilight and John for support. She didn’t know either of them, but they were her only hope. When it became obvious they weren’t going to intervene, Justice cleared her throat, licked dry lips, and said ”we kicked it a lot?” A definite tone of pleading had entered her voice.

The Hostess’s mouth opened. And closed. She visibly deflated, sitting on the floor. “Yes. All right. Fine. You kicked it a lot. Okay. Makes sense” she said, her voice defeated.

Justice was relieved. Her relief was short lived.

Now, just one more question” the Hostess said, moving her face uncomfortably close to Justice’s and staring directly into her eyes. “This is the most important one though. Do. You. Have” she said, and then paused.

Justice stood uncomfortably, waiting for the pink pony to finish. “Have what?” Justice awkwardly asked when she didn’t.

“Anything to eat” came the reply.

Justice just stared at her.

“Because I am literally starving to death” said the Hostess with a grin.

Bon Bon and Lyra met in the intersection between two metal hallways, deep below Ponyville. Rather, two things wearing the faces of Bon Bon and Lyra met.

“They captured Kh-Tir” growled Bon Bon, speaking in a low, rough language never heard of in Ponyville.

“Kh-Tir was an idiot” snarled Lyra. “It being captured is hardly a surprise. They never should have let the moron take a disguise.”

“True, it was an idiot” agreed Bon Bon. “But it was also a skilled warrior. It was taken by a marketplace of regular ponies. It didn’t even manage to kill any of them.”

It is worth noting at this point that Falaxaporians have no gender. All Falaxaporians are capable of creating young with any other Falaxaporians, although this is thankfully a rare – albeit disgusting - event. Lack of gender is actually quite common among the shape shifting races. When you can rearrange your own biology, you don’t need two starting states mucking things up.

Lyra snorted. “Surely this race is not that robust. Bad luck is all it was. Any warrior, no matter how skilled, can be brought down by luck.”

Bon Bon shook the head that wasn’t hers. “I don’t think so. There is more to this race then meets the eye. I’m sure you have noticed that the species is tri-morphic.”

“Of course. There are those like your host, those with wings, and those like my host, with a horn” Lyra responded in a bored voice. She rubbed the horn with one borrowed hoof. “Although I must admit, the horn seems useless. It is too dull and sensitive to function as a weapon.”

Bon Bon grinned, relaxing the disguise for a second to let her mouth spread grotesquely. “That’s because it’s not. Your form is called a ‘unicorn’, and the horn is used to channel energy.”

Lyra searched the mental databanks that came with the form. The mental link that Falaxaporians made with their hosts gave them access to memories, albeit awkwardly. “Magic” she murmured.

“Exactly” replied Bon Bon. “I don’t think a brute force attack on the Hostess will yield results. These ponies are too versatile. Luckily for us, she has provided us with another avenue. She has acquired two companions that I believe she has fondness for, a purple unicorn and a brown pony. We get to her through them.”

“So we kidnap her companions” confirmed Lyra.

“Unfortunately not. They are with her, and well protected. We are forced to go one level deeper. We get to them through their friends” Bon Bon said, walking up to a wall with a glass panel in it. She pressed some buttons with a hoof and then flicked a switch.

The panel snapped into life. On it was a distorted picture of Applejack. Not distorted like a funhouse mirror, but like a drawing. She was smaller and younger looking then she actually was, barely more than a filly. An amorphous darkness reared up behind her, unnoticed by the young pony. This was Applejack as Big Mac saw her, something to be protected and shielded from the bad in the world.

“We ripped this image from the red one’s mind. It is his brood mate. We also discerned from his mind that the brown pony has mating fondness for this one” Bon Bon explained, and then made a face. “Or something similar to mating fondness. To be honest, I didn’t exactly recognize the emotion.”

“Okay, so we kidnap the orange one” Lyra said, exasperated.

“You kidnap the orange one. Go find another with my form and bring her with you. According to my host’s memory, our hosts are often seen together.”

“Why don’t you come with me?” asked Lyra, already heading down the hall to find a companion.
Bon Bon grinned. “I’m going to kidnap a baby lizard.”

Spike finished the sandwich, but it wasn’t nearly filling enough. He was still hungry, so he decided to head back to the library and raid the icebox. He headed through the marketplace. Most of it was unharmed, but the vegetable cart had been totalled in the struggle. Spike considered taking a carrot, but reconsidered when he felt the owner’s eyes on his back.

He arrived home and swung the door open. The icebox was nearly empty. Spike sighed and managed to dig some potatoes out of the bottom. He set a pot of water to boil and went for a short nap while it warmed. At the top of the stairs, he was surprised to see that somepony was asleep in Twilight’s bed.

“Oh, hey Twilight. What happened with that green thing? Do you need me to send a letter to the princess?” he asked from the stairs. There was no response.

Curious, he approached the bed. It wasn’t like Twilight to be asleep this late, certainly not after she had already gotten up. He walked past the foot of the bed, feeling a cold breeze from the open window next to her bed. Odd, he was sure he’d closed that.

He walked up to the lump in the blankets, and twitched back the top. To his shock, where Twilights eyes should have been was only shiny green skin. The thing he’d uncovered –a doppelganger of the creature from the market place-smiled at him, showing more sharp teeth then Spike had ever seen in a non-dragon.

Spike backed away from the thing with a yell, only to bump into Bon-Bon, who’d just jumped in through the window. He turned to her, to warn her about the monster, but she rippled and transformed into yet another monster with the same sickly green skin.

“Hello Ssspike” hissed the thing that had so recently been Bon Bon. “You’re help usss out.”

“Alright, here’s the thing I don’t get” mumbled the Hostess, her mouth full of Justice’s chocolate bar. The police pony had thrown it at her, and rapidly excused herself. “If you could see through my disguise, why did it take you six years to arrive? Were you taking the scenic route?”

The Falaxaporian, forced onto its hind legs by the chains that attached it to the wall, said nothing.

The Hostess swallowed loudly. She had eaten the chocolate bar in one bite, and was now deeply regretting abandoning Twilight’s sandwich. “Oh don’t be so coy. It’s not like you’re giving me valuable information, I’m just curious. How did you see through my disguise? And why didn’t you just come straight for me? Why Big Macintosh?”

The bound alien seemed dedicated in its silence. Just as the Hostess turned away, it mumbled something.

“Sorry, what? Didn’t quite catch that” she said, turning back.

“Let me down” came the hoarse response. “Let me down and I’ll tell you.”

The Hostess considered the offer. She checked out the door, and saw that Justice was nowhere to be seen. Finally, she turned to John and gave him a nod.

John pulled the glass tipped metal cylinder out of his bag and pointed it at the shackles. A low whine sounded. A few clever tongue twitches later, the low whine elevated a few octaves, and the shackles snapped open with a small explosion of sparks.

The green equine prisoner dropped back down onto all fours. First with one deformed hoof then the other, it rubbed the chafed portions of its front legs. “We couldn’t see through your disguise. All our scans for Time Lord life forms came back negative. So we waited, orbited the planet. We knew you had to reveal yourself eventually. Six years later, we picked up a burst of Time Lord life energy in this location. That’s why we came down” it said, its grating voice low and quiet.

“That… doesn’t make any sense” said the Hostess. “I only undisguised once you had landed and taken Big Mac. That’s why I revealed myself.”

The Falaxaporian grimaced. At least, that’s what it looked like. It was hard to read the too wide mouth and
blank green skin. “We raided a Sazan ship before we started chasing you.”

The Hostess stared blankly for a second, and then slammed her head into Justice’s desk. “You had retro-scanners. I hate those things.”

The Falaxaporian nodded.

“What are ‘retro-scanners’ Hostess?” asked Twilight quietly.

“They’re a special kind of information gathering instrument. Claim to fame of the Sazan. They see a short time into the future, usually about a day or so” the Hostess replied, head still resting against the desk. “So if I hadn’t revealed myself, they never would have come down.”

John furrowed his brow. Twilight looked confused, moved her lips rapidly and silently, and finally asked
“But if they hadn’t come down, you never would have revealed yourself.”

“Right” replied the Hostess.

John went cross-eyed.

“No, wait, but then-“ Twilight began.

“No” interrupted the Hostess. “No questions. I hate time mechanics. They give me a headache. Just accept it.” She turned back to the Falaxaporian. “Alright, that doesn’t explain Big Mac though.”

“After the initial burst, our scans still returned negative for Time Lord life. We thought you had re-disguised.”

A melancholy look slid onto the Hostess’s face. “I don’t register as a Time Lord anymore. That’s… interesting” she said, carefully keeping all emotion out of her voice.

The emotional silence that followed was completely spoiled when John leaped into the air and screamed. He threw his bags off his back, and pulled out the sonic screwdriver. It was vibrating violently and blinking.

The three ponies and the Falaxaporian all stared at the cylinder as it shook its way across the desk. “Well, are you going to answer it?” the Hostess finally asked.

John spun to face her. “Answer it? What? It’s never done this before!”

“Oh, right. I guess it wouldn’t have. Okay, pick it up, and set it to…” she said, sticking out her tongue and thinking hard. “Setting… 32… a?”

John paused, head an inch away from the desk. “Setting 32a lights things on fire.”

“B then. Setting 32b is what I meant, obviously” said the Hostess. “Now all we need is a mirror… Police pony!” she shouted.

“Justice” Twilight whispered.

“Justice! We need a mirror!”

Justice poked her head out from behind a hallway door. “Well, we’ve got one in the break room. Just go down the hall and turn left at the third doo… How’d it get down?” she asked, stepping into the room and pointing at her prisoner.

The Hostess squeezed through the doorway past her, making an overly innocent face and shrugging. Twilight and John both shot her apologetic looks as they passed.

The break room was a sorry sight. One ancient, threadbare couch and a disgusting, filth encrusted coffee pot were the main attractions. However, a cracked mirror did hang from one of the walls.

“32b the mirror” ordered the Hostess.

John did as he was told. Ripples spread across the mirror like it was a mirror with a pebble thrown into it. When the ripples cleared, the mirror reflected not the break room they stood in, but Twilight’s home. Standing in it were two Falaxaporians in their natural states.

Twilight and John both gasped, the screwdriver falling from John’s mouth. “What just happened?” asked Twilight, bewildered.

“Hello Hostesssss” hissed the fallen screwdriver, the sound matching the mouth movements of one of the creatures in the mirror.

Ignoring it, the Hostess spoke to Twilight. “The screwdriver effects the light frequencies that are reflected, interpreting a received signal. It essentially transforms it into a standard communications screen… I mean, it makes it a window. To another place. To the library, it would appear.”

“I said, hello Hostess” said the creature, annoyed at being ignored.

“The sound is just transferred through the screwdriver” said the Hostess, continuing to talk to Twilight. “It’s actually very simple.”

“We have your dragon!” shouted the ignored monster, hauling Spike into view and holding him by the neck.

The three ponies all turned to face him.

“Ah, that got your attention, didn’t it. Now, first I’d like the brown one to leave. This is between us, the purple one, and the Hostess.”

A tense silence followed, after which the Hostess said, quietly. “John.”

John licked his lips, frowned, and turned and left. He left the screwdriver where it lay. He gave Twilight a comforting look as he left. She just looked shocked.

“Now, here’s what’s going to happen. You’re going to give us the Hostess, and you get your precious baby dragon back. Otherwise, we kill him. Do we have a deal?” the creature grinned, all malice and supressed laughter. "Oh, and I suppose we want Kh-Tir back as well."

Twilight stepped in front of the Hostess. “You… you kidnapped Spike?” she asked, her voice full of confusion.

The Hostess began to worry. This dragon clearly meant a lot to Twilight, and the Hostess had already taken one friend from her. When she thought about it, Twilight had every reason to hand her over, and no reason to protect her.

On top of that, the Hostess wasn’t sure she could stop Twilight. She didn’t know what limits her magic had, but considering it was her cutie mark, it was probably pretty powerful. If Twilight decided to surrender her, she could be done for. She stared at the back of the unicorns head, silently praying that she would remain loyal to her.

Twilight giggled madly.

Everypony faltered for a second. That had not been among the possible reactions expected by either the Falaxaporians or the Hostess.

“You kidnapped Spike. And now you’re trying to use him to blackmail me? Like he’s some kind of weakness?” she asked between giggles.

“What exactly is wrong with that?” asked the miffed Falaxaporian.

“He’s a dragon you idiots! A baby dragon, sure, but still a dragon. And you kidnapped him. You kidnapped a dragon, and you’re just expecting it to work out fine” Twilight explained, voice still full of humour.

“We haven’t had any trouble controlling him so far. I warn you, if you laugh at me-“ the kidnapper started.

“Spike. You have permission” interrupted Twilight.

“Really?” asked the baby dragon, eyes lighting up.

“Yes, these are bad ponies” replied Twilight.

“Wait, hold on, I think I missed a step-“ said the Hostess, but was interrupted by a yell of pain.

Spike had sunk his teeth into the restraining arm of the Falaxaporian holding him. The thing waved him around, trying to loosen the grip on its leg. Spike had a lot of sharp teeth, and that would have been bad enough, but then he did something that made the Hostess’s leg burn in sympathy pain. He breathed fire.

Smoke drifted out from the edges of Spike’s mouth. The thrashing of his victim took on a new level of urgency, and it managed to fling him off. Its leg had been charred almost halfway through.

Spike grinned, his pupils having changed to vertical slits.
Every creature that has ever been prey has a fear of sharp teeth, built in right at the base level. It’s one of the most fundamental fears there is. The Falaxaporians grin pushed that button straight on. Spike’s didn’t even touch it.

It just fried the circuit.

He charged his kidnappers, snarling and snapping. Barely within view of the mirror, one of the Falaxaporians raised a small device strapped to its leg. The device flashed with a tinny cracking sound. The Hostess, recognizing the device too late, cried out futilely.

The energy blast that should have blown a hole the size of a loop-de-hoop in Spike’s chest washed over his scales like water. The force of the blast set him back half a step, but he renewed his charge as soon as his clawed feet stopped skidding across the floor.

Unfortunately, the brief delay the blast bought allowed the non-injured Falaxaporian to set up a straight on, two hoofed buck. Spike weighed even less then Big Mac’s victim, and the Falaxaporian was almost as strong as the huge red pony.

Spike sailed through the air in a perfect parabola, flying out of the mirror’s view. The screwdriver relayed a splintering crash a split second later.

The creature that had delivered the kick approached the mirror, panting, as the other nursed its charred leg. “There. Now your dragon has been injured. Is that what you wanted?” it said, voice filled with quiet rage.

“I doubt it” said Twilight with a soft smile. “He’s tough. I think you just made him mad.”

A second after the last syllable left the unicorn’s lips, a heart stopping roar split the air. Its tone changed a second in, and it took a second for the Hostess to realize that the screwdrivers speakers had cut out. The roar they were hearing wasn’t being transmitted, it was just loud enough to be audible from halfway across town.

“Alright, we need to get there!” shouted Twilight, running from the room. The Hostess shook off her shock and chased after her.

“How long do you think he can hold out?” asked the Hostess as they dashed past Justice, who appeared stunned by the roar.

“Him? It’s not Spike I’m worried about. We have stop him before he destroys all my books!” Twilight replied over her shoulder. “Oh, and before he starts killing ponies” she added, almost as an afterthought.

The Hostess took that in stride. “Come on John!” she shouted as they burst out the door and galloped down the street. Neither pony noticed that John was nowhere to be seen.

John stood outside of the police station. He had just been shooed outside, and nervous energy was causing him to dance back and forth from hoof to hoof. He hadn’t been told why they took Spike, but he could guess. He wasn’t guessing it was good.

“John?” asked a voice behind him.

He turned to see his best customer. Lyra was looking at him with curious eyes, Bon Bon standing next to her. “Oh, hello Lyra” he said. “Did you get your watch?” he asked, voice running on autopilot.

“My watch? Oh, yes, of course” replied Lyra.

“You’re not with…” Bon Bon began, and then got a faraway look on her face, as if she was reading an imaginary book. “Pinkie Pie?” she finished after a second.

“Oh, no. Well, she’s just inside, so sort of. I’m just waiting for her” said John, absently.

“Reeeaaallly?” grinned Lyra, altogether too happy about that.

John cocked an eyebrow. “Yes, really” he answered.

Lyra started talking about something she wanted to show him. John tuned out, his eyes staring into the middle distance. Lyra was a nice enough pony, but she did tend to say nothing in a lot of words. Bon Bon usually stopped her when they were together. Which was a lot.

He idly wondered about that. Honestly, he thought they were together, not that he’d ever say that. Some ponies were edgy about that, although he didn’t know why. In a town with a ninety percent female population, it’s not like it carried a lot of stigma.

His unfocused eyes fell onto Applejack. She was pulling a cart of apples through the town square and talking to two other ponies. She was talking…

She was talking to Lyra and Bon Bon.

John’s eyes abruptly refocused on the ponies in front of him. His heart started pounding in his chest.

“So, you want to see it?” asked Lyra, her long speech apparently over.

“Uhh… actually, I’m busy. Really busy” his eyes flickered back to Applejack and her two conversation partners. “I have to go.”

The thing wearing Bon Bon’s face glanced back where he had looked. “I think he’s on to us ‘Lyra’” she said, the sarcasm clunking into place as her face spread in a distended smile.

“Perhaps you’re right, ‘Bon Bon’” said Lyra, her smile streaching in the same grotesque way. “I suppose we resort to force.”

John ran. He darted between the two imposters, letting a brief smile cross his lips as he heard their heads clonk together behind his back.

“Applejack!” he shouted as he ran, galloping towards her.

“Well, hey John. What’s the big hurry?” she asked as he galloped up to her.

“Run. Run home. Leave the cart” he panted as he placed himself between the two disguised Falaxaporians and Applejack.

“Hold on. You don’t give me orders” objected Applejack from behind him, offended.

John turned to face her, to convince her of the danger, but saw her eyes widen. She unhooked herself from the cart with a kick and bolted, running on powerful legs.

On instinct, John leaped after her. He felt powerful jaws close on a few strands of his tail. The slight pain as they ripped out only spurred him to run faster.

He ran up level with Applejack, the orange pony slowing momentarily to allow him to catch up. He had the height advantage, but her legs were far more muscular then his.

“I’m running, but not cause you told me to!” she shouted to him.

John just laughed madly. The constant bouncing back and forth between adrenaline and exhaustion was beginning to take its toll on his emotional state.

Applejack opened her mouth to ask what was wrong with him, but was stopped by an earth shaking roar. Both ponies skidded to a halt, former fear forgotten in the face of such an incredibly loud noise.

“What the hay is goin' on?!” shouted Applejack when the roar had subsided. “What was that noise?! What was wrong with Lyra’s mouth!?”

“Umm… in order, tell you later, don’t know and… tell you later!” John yelled back over the ringing in his ears. “Now get home, Big Macintosh will protect you!”

“I don’t need protectin’. I can take care a’ mahself.” Applejack protested, but headed down the road home anyway. “Don’t forget, you owe me some answers.”

“I won’t” replied John, and then ran towards the source of the noise. He didn’t know how, but he knew he’d find the Hostess there.

The creature that the Hostess and Twilight found in the library resembled Spike only in color. Green belly and purple scales beside, it could have been a completely different creature. He was twice as large as a pony, and ten times as heavy. Long, sharp claws and a spiked tail adorned him, and two large leathery wings had sprouted from his back.

When they came in through the door, he was shaking a Falaxaporian by the leg with his jaws, as if it was a rag doll. When he saw the two ponies come in, he opened his jaw in a roar, sending his victim flying across the room. He charged them, growing another foot taller as he did so.

The Hostess leaped backwards through the door, but Twilight didn’t flinch. Her horn burst into life, and the dragon that had been Spike was flung into a wall and stuck there. He thrashed around, attempting to break free, but couldn’t seem to escape the telekinetic collar that had welded him to the wall.

“Spike, I know you’re still in there. I need you to listen to me” Twilight yelled over the sound of his thrashing, approaching him. “Hairity, Appletini, Spitty Pie, Rainbow Crash, Twilight Flopple, and Flutterguy” she said, in a voice far too serious for the content.

The dragon’s thrashing stopped, his eyes focusing on Twilight as she spoke. A low rumbling chuckle escaped his lips. Another followed. The dragon began to laugh uncontrollably. As he did so, he shrank and his voice became higher. Chuckles turned to giggles which turned to titters. His wings disappeared completely, until eventually the familiar baby dragon lay on the floor, laughing to himself.

The Hostess stepped cautiously back in through the door. As she did so, the laughter of the dragon turned smoothly into snores. She stared at the battered room and the two heavily injured Falaxaporians. Scorch marks riddled the walls. In the middle of it all stood Twilight Sparkle, looking down at the baby dragon with a mixture of love, concern, and caution.

“Hey” said John, sliding to a halt behind the pink pony. “What’d I miss?”

Chapter 8

Celestia was bored. She was in the last hour of the official Day Court, and not a single pony had come to see her. Every day, she set aside six hours, starting at noon, where she would hear the complaints and requests from any pony in Equestria. The most powerful pony that existed had promised to help anypony, and nopony could be bothered to take her up on the offer.

The problem, she silently mused, was that she’d done her job too well. Over a thousand years ago, when she had first started this court, it had been crowded every day. Everypony had a problem, and they all wanted help. But as time had gone on, and she’d solved more and more problems, the amount of ponies that came to see her had dwindled. As it was, it had been two weeks since the Day Court had been attended by anypony but her guards and herself.

“You” she said at a whim, addressing the guard nearest the throne. She concentrated for a second. “Dayshine.” She made it a point to remember the names of all her guards.

“Yes ma’am” grunted Dayshine. His natural voice was actually quite high and lyrical, but he spoke in low grunts in order to keep the image up. Guards were supposed to be tough.

“Anything I could help you with?” asked the princess, smiling sweetly. “Any little thing?”

“No ma’am” replied Dayshine, internally trying to think desperately. What was the correct answer? What did she want him to say?

“Nothing? So you’re completely happy?” asked Celestia, her soft smile fading an imperceptible amount.

“Yes ma’am. Completely happy in her majesty’s service” growled Dayshine. He was at least confident that he knew the proper answer to that question. He hoped she didn’t ask any more questions though; his throat was starting to hurt from changing his voice so drastically.

Celestia allowed herself the luxury of an annoyed grunt. Not audible to her guards of course, showing dissatisfaction wasn’t going to be good for anypony. She glared with smiling eyes at the two who stood by the door. Having two expressions, one internal and one external, was a skill all good royalty developed.

The Royal Guard was yet another idea that had seemed so clever over a thousand years ago. Surround herself with large stallions? How could that be a bad idea? Sure, even at that age she was more powerful than any mortal pony, but backup couldn’t hurt.

However, a thousand years of magical practice had given her more power then she could have dreamed of. Anything that could threaten her would be completely impervious to her guards. At that point, backup could hurt. They were just more ponies she had to protect.

In a more mundane way, it meant that she couldn’t go anywhere without being followed by at least two of the armored ponies. They were just a relic, a tradition of a different age, but they were an annoying tradition that refused to die.

A sudden cool breeze flowed over her brow, providing a brief moment of pleasure. The throne room wasn’t particularly hot, but a change was always welcome. Another breeze blew, stronger this time, and accompanied by soft grating sound. The princess turned to the apparent source behind her throne, but there was nothing there.

The breeze again, almost a wind now, and the sound was louder. Right at the apex of the sound, Celestia thought for a second that a hint of blue hung in the air. Whatever was happening happened again, and this time a transparent blue box was definitely visible for a fraction of a second.

The guards finally noticed what was happening behind the princess, and charged towards her. The box was now consistently visible, and they placed themselves on either side of it, body language aggressive. For her part, Celestia lowered her horn, pointing the tip at the box.

The noise and wind cycled several more times, louder and stronger each time. The box faded in and out in rhythm. Finally, the noise faded from view, the air stilled, and the box became fully solid.
Silence ruled the courtroom for a few seconds. Celestia noted the word ‘Police’ inscribed on the blue box a moment before a door creaked open on the side facing her. A brown stallion stepped out, stopping abruptly when her horn pressed against his throat.

“Oh, hello Celestia. Sorry, I think I got a little off course. I was meant to be in Ponyville. I don’t suppose you’ve moved your throne room there at some point?” the strange pony said, completely unperturbed by the deadly piece of bone poking into his jugular. A few more moments of silence followed. “Suppose not.”

“I’m sorry, do I know you?” asked Celestia cautiously. It had been decades since an attempt had been made on her life, but you couldn’t be too careful. Besides, this pony had an accent she couldn’t quite place, and that was worrying.

“Of course you do. I’m the Doctor? We met in Ponyville? Where your student lives?” the strange pony said, still completely at ease.

“I have no student.”

“Err… hate to contradict royalty, but yes you do. Twilight Sparkle? Ringing any…” his voice trailed off as he stared into Celestia’s curious eyes. “Wait, hold on, what year is it?”

“It is the year 994 of my rule of course. Are you not from Equestria?” Celestia replied. Her follow-up question went unanswered as the pony retreated back into the depths of his box.

“994? Of course you don’t know me, I’m a decade early… how…” the pony mumbled as walked back inside, slamming the door in her face. She was about to force the door open when it slammed back open. “Has somepony been using retroscanners? Or rather, will somepony be using retroscanners in around eight years? …oh, sorry. Stupid question, for… several reasons. HATE retroscanners. TARDIS can’t stand them. Well, I suppose I’ll take another run at it. Oh, and forget all that stuff I said about students. Not important.”

Celestia had been too slow to react under the onslaught of words, and the door slammed shut again. She pushed at it with her magic, but it refused to budge. She pushed harder, but still nothing. She reset her stance, and pushed enough magic through her horn to raise a sun. Not only did the door stay closed, Celestia nearly passed out from the exertion.

By the time spots had stopped swimming in front of her eyes, the box was gone. The guards, who had not done anything while it was there, looked fairly sheepish. They all knew on some level that they were mere formalities, but they didn’t like to admit it.

Celestia smiled. Her life may be boring right now, but she had a feeling it was going to liven up in around a decade. In the meantime…

“Guards” she said. They snapped to attention. “Go see the dean of my school for gifted unicorns. Tell him I am to be alerted immediately if there appears any applicant by the name of Twilight Sparkle…”

1002 CE (2 years after the return of Princess Luna)

The Hostess walked to the body of the Falaxaporian Spike had used as a chew toy. She placed a hoof on its chest to check for a pulse, or the rise and fall of breath, or really any sign of life. However, when she relaxed her hoof, it sank several inches into the still form of the alien. It was dead and rapidly dissolving into mush, as the shape shifting races tended to do.

The Hostess sighed. She’d rather it not have been dead, but she wasn’t going to mourn it. It had brought this on itself. She scraped her hoof clean on the leg of an overturned table, and turned to Twilight. The unicorn was levitating a quill, and appeared to be writing. The Hostess opened her mouth to ask what precisely had happened, but John beat her to it.

“What the buck happened here?” he asked loudly, staring around at the destroyed room.

Twilight shot him an angry look. “Don’t swear in front of Spike” she said, pointing at the sleeping dragon. A brief look of confusion crossed her face as she realized that, under the circumstances, Spike learning swear words was probably the least of her concerns. “Spike happened” she replied, and turned back to her letter.

Buck is a swear word? the Hostess briefly thought, until that thought was trampelled by the much more pressing questions that jockeyed to be first out of her mouth. “What just happened?” came in first, and was quickly followed by “and why did it stop happening?”

Twilight let out a sigh. “I don’t suppose you remember the Elements of Harmony?” she asked, still not looking up from her scribbling quill.

The Hostess replied in the negative. John only remembered about half of them, and wisely decided not to share that fact with the bearer of Magic.

“Okay, so there’s these six Elements of Harmony. They’re these sort of… desirable characteristics. Everypony knows about them. What most ponies don’t know is they each have an opposite. They’re referred to as the six Deadly Sins, or the Elements of Disharmony, or a bunch of other names. Ponies tried not to talk about them, so a particular name was never settled on. That’s why most ponies don’t know about them, they’re only talked about in really old scrolls.” Twilight said, finishing her letter. She stepped back from the table and began to wrap it into a cylinder.

“Anyway, the point is that ponies are creatures of the Elements of Harmony. They can wield the physical incarnations, and they become more powerful as they become closer to the Elements. Dragons, on the other hoof, are creatures of the Deadly Sins. When they embrace a Sin, they grow quickly and become adult in mere hours. It happened once before, Spike embraced Greed, the opposite of Generosity. That’s what lead me to research all this” the purple unicorn continued, slipping into her habitual lecture voice again. The letter wrapped, she approached the sleeping dragon.

“The only way to bring a dragon back to his or her original state is to induce feelings of the corresponding Element in them. Spike had embraced Rage, the opposite of Laughter. So I made him laugh.” Twilight briefly considered telling the Hostess what exactly had happened to the bearer of Laughter, but decided against it. Now was not the time.

“So… when he gets angry, he turns into an unstoppable killing machine?” asked the Hostess, worry in her voice.

“Wait, what? Spike did this?” asked John, completely lost.

“Not exactly Hostess. He has to be really, really angry. I’ve been teaching him anger management ever since he surrendered to Greed for just that reason. As for you John, yes.”

John and the Hostess both made the exact same mental note. Do not annoy the dragon.

“Spike. Wake up. I need to send a letter” Twilight said, gently poking her dozing assistant.

“Wait, what are you doing? Who are you sending a letter to?” asked the Hostess, suddenly made aware of her companion’s intentions.

“I’m contacting Celestia. This is something she needs to know about” Twilight replied. Then, noting the blank look on the Hostesses face, she continued “oh, she’s the most powerful pony in the world, and she’s the ruler of Equestria. I can contact her through Spike’s magical fire.” Twilight continued trying to wake her snoozing assistant.

“She… why didn’t we do this earlier?” asked the Hostess, a little louder than she meant to.

Twilight flinched slightly at the Hostess’s volume. “I don’t like to bother her. Besides, I didn’t really believe
there was any danger until this morning” Twilight replied, finally having managed to wake Spike. He gripped the letter sleepily in one claw, and exhaled green fire onto it. The letter puffed into smoke, which flew out an open window.

“Now all we have to do is wait for the princess to-“ The word ‘respond’ stuck in Twilight’s throat when Spike belched loudly in his sleep. The smoke that poured out of his mouth formed into the shape of a letter, which Twilight snapped out of the air with her magic.

Twilight unfurled the letter, confused by the speed with which it had appeared. She spread it on a table, John and the Hostess standing beside her to read it over her shoulder.

Dear Princess Celestia

I’m afraid something has come up in Ponyville that requires your assistance. Please come quickly, as it is a matter of life and death.

Your faithful student

Twilight Sparkle

“…This is my letter” Twilight announced quietly after a moment of silence. “This is the exact letter I just sent to the princess.”

Another moment of silence followed, which was broken by the Hostess speaking loudly and happily. “Alright” she said, clopping her front hooves together in what would have been an excited clap by any species with hands. “Now we’re getting somewhere.”

“What do you mean we’re getting somewhere? Somepony is blocking my communication with the princess, how is that good?” Twilight indignantly asked.

“Because it means we’re learning. Come along, I need to build something at Pinkie’s” the Hostess ordered, turning away without waiting for an answer.

“I’ll catch up” shouted Twilight after the retreating pink pony. John shot her a nod as he walked out the door after the Hostess. “Owlicious!” she shouted as she scribbled out a quick note. The owl flew down from his nest on the rafters and landed on the table beside her. She signed the note and tied it the owl’s leg. “Go find Fluttershy” she told it. The owl winged out the window as Twilight left through the door. She didn’t want to leave Spike alone, but Fluttershy made a great caretaker.

It didn’t take long for her to catch up with the other two ponies, and she trotted up beside them, falling into line. “So what exactly did we learn, Hostess?”

“Well, I don’t know exactly how dragon-mail works, but I assume the letter gets turned into some sort of energy pattern?” the Hostess asked, looking at Twilight.

Not even surprised at the Hostess’s leap of knowledge, Twilight just nodded.

“Well that means that they’ve set up a general screen over Ponyville. Basically, you just set up a shield of all the energies and frequencies you can get, and pump a whole bunch of energy through it. If you hit enough frequencies, it’ll bounce anything back at you. Plus give any ponies trying to get out a nasty shock” the Hostess explained in the long, unbroken stream she tended to explain things in. She noted the confused look on her companion’s faces, and simplified it. “It’s a magic shield that stops any message or pony from escaping.”

“So you have something at Pinkie’s that can stop it?” asked John, very appreciative of the simplification.

“Better. I can make something that will let us find it.”

Mr. and Mrs. Cake stared at the strange device in their kitchen. Pinkie had called it a ‘microwave’, and said not to use it until she had explained it. However, then she had disappeared, and one oven was not enough to cater the lunch rush.

It was the strangest oven either of the Cakes had ever seen. It took a fair amount of experimentation to figure it out, but they thought they had a handle on it now. They lifted a bowl of batter into the microwave, shut the door, and pressed the button that said ‘on’.

Inside the box, a small stone burst into life. It was a very small and impure example of the huge crystals that powered a TARDIS, but it was powerful enough for this machine’s purpose. The power it generated coursed through wires of copper, the melted down remains of some old baking trays the Hostess had found in the cellar. The power poured into a 6 inch length of pipe wrapped in three complete rolls of tape. A small bare portion of the pipe emitted near lethal amounts of microwave radiation, directed precisely into the interior of the radiation proof box.

From the Cake’s perspective, the strange makeshift box whirred into life, a frightening occurrence for those unacquainted with electricity. The batter bowl also began to slowly rotate, because the Hostess believed appearances were important.

Both Cakes shied away from the whirring mystery at first, unsure of its safety. Eventually Mrs. Cake, who had more experience with Pinkie’s experiments than her husband, gathered the nerve to approach it. She peered in through the tinted glass separating her from the bowl. Inside, she saw the slowly rotating batter begin to bubble and rise.

Mr. Cake tentatively walked up next to her, squinting as he cautiously stared through the glass. The batter was bubbling madly now, bits splashing out of the bowl. The Cakes leaned as far from the glass as they could while still being able to see inside.

From their remote view point, they could see the bubbles slowly die down as the batter hardened into a cake. They had set it for an hour and a half (using the cannibalized wall clock embedded in the side), but it seemed to have cooked it in around five minutes.

Mr. Cake, slightly embarrassed that his wife had shown more bravery than he had earlier, sidled up the door. Standing to one side of the hinged glass panel, he carefully reached out a hoof and flipped it open. Both the bakers flinched pre-emptively for the explosion that never came.

After waiting around twenty nerve-wracking seconds, Mr. Cake slipped his front hooves around the bowl and pulled it out of the microwave. He placed it tenderly on the floor and sniffed it with great caution while his wife trotted up next to him.

“It smells fine” he announced, shrugging at his wife.

She reached out with a shaking hoof and gently poked the bulging bowl of cake. As soon as her hoof touched the straining crust, the hidden gas bubbles inside put their daring escape plan into action.

A wet explosion deafened the Cakes momentarily as they were covered in sticky, half-baked batter. Both stood completely still as the sickeningly warm liquid dripped down their faces. Unfortunately for their pink employee, they were not quite deafened enough to miss the creaking of the kitchen door’s hinges.

“PINKIE!” the couple screamed as the Hostess scampered up the stairs, ears laid back. She knew she wasn’t getting out of this, and reluctantly turned back down the stairs.

She sighed heavily as she tromped back down the stairs. “I told them not to use it” she muttered to herself.

Twilight and John stood meekly in the corner as the Hostess scampered around her room, frantically throwing together a new creation. Ignoring the protests of her mental passenger, she ripped a complicated gear assembly out of a device made for an unknown purpose.

It had been an hour since she had arrived home. Her employers had ordered her to clean the kitchen, teach them how to use the microwave, and help with the lunch rush. The Hostess just thanked…
She cast a mental tendril into Pinkie’s memories to find an appropriate being to thank. Luna, came the response. She thanked Luna that the Cakes hadn’t asked her to explain how it actually functioned. Even giving them the device was technically highly illegal by intergalactic law.

Technically, she could have just blown them off. She had never actually worked for them after all, and it wasn’t like she needed the job. However, she felt obligated. Pinkie had worked for them for six years, she couldn’t just tell them to stuff it.

Plus, she was a little afraid that Pinkie’s mind was reasserting itself. That had never happened to a Time Lord before, but this was a fairly unique situation. Not only had she interrupted the regeneration cycle, but no disguised Time Lord had been quite as… energetic. Time Lords were naturally very bouncy after a regeneration, due to high levels of life force, and she was pretty sure Pinkie had been permanently stuck at that level of hyper activity. It certainly explained how she ate seven cakes a day and didn’t die of obesity. Her metabolism must have been through the roof.

Regardless, the point was the Pinkie returning was not impossible, and the Hostess didn’t want to mess her life up that badly. She owed her that consideration.

She snapped out of her introspection to find that her project had been completed. She had apparently managed to build an extremely complicated piece of technology without thinking about it. That was a little bit of an ego boost. Apparently having two ponies in your head had its advantages when it came to multitasking.

“Alright” she began, turning to her two companions. “Now I just need the sonic screwdriver” - John tossed it to her and she snatched it out of the air – “an’ a smaw peesh of tarshoniam” she mumbled around the metal cylinder.

“A small piece of what?” asked Twilight.

The Hostess inserted the tool into a small hole in the machine and turned back to them. “Tarsonium” she repeated.

No response came from either of the blank faced ponies.

“Oh, maybe you use a different name. Hullsteel? The essential metal? It’s a necessary material for space… travel… oh. Right. Planetbound race” the Hostess said, face falling. She lifted a front hoof and slammed in heavily into her forehead.

“Wait, what are you talking about? What’s tarsonium?” asked the purple unicorn, completely lost.

“It’s a metallic alloy, made from… made from a bunch of elements. It’s not important; you would have no idea what it is.” She sighed, dejected. “I just assumed you’d have it, since… well, since every race has it. Dammit.”

A determined look grew on Twilights face. There was very little she hated more than being told she didn’t know something. “Describe it. Maybe we can figure it out.”

“No, I’m telling you, there’s no way you could…” the Hostess began, before faltering in the face of Twilight’s glower. “Okay, fine. It’s this silvery purple metal, extremely shiny. Usually at least. The exact appearance varies from maker to maker. The point is, it’s highly malleable in its natural state, but becomes extremely rigid when-“

“-when you apply magic to it” finished John, cutting her off. “Are you talking about starmetal?”

Both mares stared at the brown stallion. He stepped from hoof to hoof, uncomfortable in the sudden silence. The Hostess looked confused. Twilight looked shocked, and maybe a little upset. He had the feeling she wasn’t used to being out-knowledged.

“Yes, that sounds right. How do you know about it?” asked the Hostess, voice quiet and even.

“It’s this strange metal that falls from the sky sometimes. I’ve… I’ve always had this dream of making a clock from it. That’s how I know about it.” He paused. “There’s a chunk of it at the museum, if you need some.”

“…okay” said the Hostess, grinning a Pinkie sized grin. “Let’s go to the museum.”

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE CAN’T BORROW IT!?” screamed the formerly happy pony at the museum manager whose office they now stood in.

Twilight’s ears flipped back at the sound. Today had involved a lot of the Hostess yelling at public servants. She wasn’t sure whether a pattern was emerging, but as a public servant herself, she wasn’t particularly happy about it.

To be fair, the curator was holding his own better than Justice had. An extremely old stallion, he had seen enough summers to turn his mane and coat a matching white. A common museum patron herself, Twilight knew him only as ‘Bones’, a name derived from his talent for archeology. She didn’t know his real name, and she certainly didn’t know he had such an impressive lung capacity.

“IT IS A MUSEUM EXHIBIT! IT IS NOT A LIBRARY BOOK YOU CAN TAKE OUT AT YOUR WHIM!” he yelled back, vocal cords far too powerful for their age. “No offense, Twilight” he apologized after a deep breath.

“None taken, Bones. We really do need that starmetal though” Twilight replied, hoping a more friendly voice would get through to him. Or at least a quieter one.

The old pony’s face softened. He liked Twilight, she was one of his only patrons these days. “Look Twilight, it’s not up to me. Those are the rules. Now, if you could bring in a letter from the princess, I’d be happy to…”

The Hostess appeared to stifle an obscenity with great difficulty.

“I can’t contact her, that’s why I need it!” pleaded Twilight, beginning to become frustrated with the older pony.

“Well… I suppose I could sell it to you. It’s not a display item after all, it’s just gathering dust in the vaults. Hold on, let me look up its value” Bones said, creaking his way on ancient hips to a thick book on his desk.
Twilight bounced from hoof to hoof, nervous about the price of such an item. John had worry plastered all over his face; he knew the approximate value of starmetal, and it wasn’t cheap. The Hostess, who had very little grip on the idea of money, stood calmly.

“Well… looks like the minimum I can sell it for is 2,342 bits.” Technically he was supposed to barter when asked to sell an item, but that didn’t exactly seem appropriate for some reason.

Twilight gasped at the huge number. John looked like he had swallowed his tongue. He had known it would be a lot, but he couldn’t have guessed it would be that much. Although the number did seem vaguely familiar.

“Is that a lot?” whispered the Hostess. Both her companions nodded emphatically.

“Are you sure you can’t let it go for any less?” croaked Twilight.

“No, I’m afraid not. Precisely 2342 bits is the lowest amount I can sell it and keep my job.”

The bell that had rung in John’s head at the mention of the price began ringing louder at the word ‘precisely’. Why was 2342 bits significant? Why…

John gasped. He turned to the two mares and told them to wait here, before bolting out the door. He ignored the confused questions shouted after him. He knew that the answers would take time they didn’t have.

He galloped through the halls of the museum before bursting out of the street entrance and sprinting down the street. Luckily he wasn’t far from home, and he leaped, panting, through his front door less than five minutes later.

Trotting on exhausted legs, he entered his kitchen. He gripped the handle of a particular cabinet and pulled it open. Inside sat the mysterious box of bits, with its even more mysterious note still sitting on the top.

There are precisely 2342 bits in this box.

Use them wisely. They are yours.

Do not worry about where they came from.

“Jackpot” whispered the clockmaker.

Chapter 9

One of the six Lyras that were currently active in Ponyville walked up the worn path that led to the front door of the Apple house. She toyed back and forth with the idea of returning to her natural form for shock value, as her current partners had, but decided against it. The general Falaxaporian strategy was to remain as disguised for as long as possible. Besides, she had been experimenting with the use of this form’s horn, levitating small items, and had found the flow of power both useful and strangely intoxicating.

She trotted up onto the porch and knocked on the door three times. She kept her disguise up, but relaxed it enough to reveal her true teeth. The ponies seemed to find that part of her biology particularly off-putting for some reason.

The orange pony that had narrowly escaped her jaws earlier answered the door.

“Hello” growled the alien. “Remember me?”

The pony flinched away slightly, but rallied under her fear. “Big Mac! It’s for you” she called, forcing her voice to remain steady. She stepped backwards into her house.

The intruder attempted to follow her in, but walked into a red wall that had somehow placed itself in the doorway. She snarled, more in surprise than pain, and stepped backwards.

“Leave” said the wall, which turned out not to be a wall, but a pony.

“Ahh, our former captive. We are not here for you, we are here for the orange one. Step aside and you will not be hurt.” The Falaxaporian had heard of this pony’s care for his broodmates – or ‘sisters’ – but hoped he would be smart enough to back down.

“No.”

Ah well. The peaceful way was boring anyway. “Fine. I understand the need to protect family. By the way, do you know where the smalled member of your clan is?”

“Who, Applebloom?” asked the orange pony. “Course I do. She’s up in her room. I wouldn’t let her wander around at a time like-“

Applejack was cut off by a filly’s scream, a heartbreaking sound that apparently came from the barn.

“Oh, is she?” asked the Falaxaporian, grinning horribly.

Big Mac glanced back at the older of his sisters, torn between obligations.

“Go on” the younger pony replied. “Ah can take care of myself. Applebloom needs you.”

Big Macintosh nodded and pushed past the alien in the doorway roughly, galloping towards the barn.

Applejack followed close behind him and placed herself in the doorway, settling into a fighting stance. “And now you are gonna get the hell off my property” she growled, staring down the alien in front of her.

“Not without you.”

“Ah’m not going anywhere with you. You leave me an mah kin alone, or I will buck your head in. Besides, I don’t even have mah element. The princess keeps ‘em at the castle” Applejack glowered.

“Your… what? What element?” asked Lyra, forehead crinkling in confusion.

“The Element of… wait, is this not about the Elements?” Applejack responded, similarly confused.

“No, it’s not. We don’t care about any elements, we just want you” the Falaxaporian growled, sensing it was losing control of the situation. It snarled in an attempt to return them to a predator/prey relationship.

Applejack flinched from the snarl, but not from fear as much from a desire to avoid the alien’s spittle. “Well if this ain’t about the elements, what the hay do you want me for? Besides that, I’m just a farmer.”

“We need you to blackmail the brown one” explained the exasperated creature.

“Brown one?”

“John! His name is John. According to your brother, he has mating fondness for you. Now come with me before I slit your damn throat!” yelled the increasingly frustrated Falaxaporian.

“Mating…” Applejack said, pausing momentarily at the unusual and crude phrasing. Most other ponies would have been either offended or completely lost, but living on a farm had taught her about that sort of thing at a very young age. She made a mental note to talk to her brother about this, and turned back to the more pressing ‘slit your throat’ problem.

“Why should I? If you thought you could beat me in a fair fight, pretty sure you woulda attacked me by now” pointed out Applejack.

“Because your brother is distracted, and your house has a back door.”

“Okay” said Twilight Sparkle, a small chunk of purple metal levitating beside her head. “We’ve got the…”

“Tarsonium” supplied the Hostess.

“Tarsonium, right, anything else we need?”

“No, that should be it. See, if the Falaxaporians are like every other race, they’ll build pretty much everything out of Tarsonium. So all we need to do is use the sonic screwdriver to vibrate it at its resonant frequency, and the screwdriver will detect if there’s anything in the area with the same resonance” the pink pony explained, and then waited for the inevitable confusion.

“Oh, okay” said John.

“That makes sense” added Twilight.

The Hostess craned her neck back towards her companions, noting the unsettling ease with which her head rotated almost 180 degrees. “Wait, you both understood that? How do you know about resonant frequencies?”

“I once read a book on cello making. Well, I started reading a book on cello making, but then it used the term ‘resonance’, and I went to look that up. I sort of understood it, but it referenced some physics texts, so I ended up reading three books on wave theory.” Twilight furrowed her brow. “I don’t think I ever actually finished the book on cellos.”

John shrugged. “I make clocks. If all the parts are at the same resonant frequency, they tend to explode.”

“Don’t know what a spaceship is, but understand wave mechanics” the Hostess murmured. “Interesting knowledge asymmetry.” She pushed open the door to the now mostly empty Cupcake Corner and headed up the stairs. “Anyway, the point is that this device should find us the entrance to their base in Ponyville. We head down there, break their generator, and contact the princess. Easy-peasy.”

“Won’t it be guarded by Falaxaporians? Falaxaporians with very sharp teeth who don’t exactly like us?” asked John from the bottom of the stairs.

“Well, yes. That will admittedly be the least easy-peasy part.” The Hostess grinned in what she hoped was a reassuring manner over her shoulder, and pushed through the door to Pinkie’s bedroom. She trotted up to the machine and pointed to a small container. “If you could just place the metal in there, Ms. Sparkle, that would be ideal. Ah, thank you. Now…”

She flicked a small switch on the side of the contraption, and watched as the sonic screwdriver buzzed into life. A metal bowl attached to the end of a spoon started spinning, and the whole thing began to tick in the regular cadence of clockwork. “Now, this entrance will be somewhere near the centre of town, almost definitely in a public building. They’ll need a lot of ponies going in and out at all times to avoid suspicion. It wouldn’t be the Mayor’s office though, or any official building. Too much chance of being discovered. Some innocent business probably, something…” she trailed off as the machine let out a ding and she examined the small readout on the screwdriver.

“Something like what, Hostess?” Twilight prompted.

The Hostess looked at her, swallowed, and then looked down towards the floorboards. “Somewhere exactly like Cupcake Corner” she whispered.

Twilight’s pupils shrank to pinpoints, and John looked like he was about to faint.

“Here? They’re here?” John breathed, voice almost inaudible.

The Hostess mouthed the word ‘yes’, and placed a hoof over her mouth to indicate silence. She grabbed the screwdriver with her teeth, and passed it to John. She then pointed downwards, and made exaggerated tip-toeing movements. Both of the other ponies nodded, getting the message.

The Hostess nodded back, and walked carefully to her door. She reached out and slowly opened it, peeking out into the hall. It was empty.

She brought her head back in to give the all clear signal. Before she could, however, a pair of green jaws leaped through the open door and snapped shut on her skull. Everything went black.

Slak snuck around the back of the Apple house. It had seen Big Mac run off to the barn, where another Falaxaporian (whose name it didn’t remember) had captured the smallest sister.

Slak was having a bad day. It had been yelled at by that Time Lord, and then all the others had mocked it for running like a coward. It hadn’t been able to explain the look in her eyes. It had been so… focused. So present. So terrifying. To be honest, those eyes still followed it, and it wasn’t sure whether staying on this planet was such a good idea.

It shook its head. It didn’t need to be thinking about all that. That’s why it had volunteered for this, to stay as far away from that Time Lord as possible. On top of that, it had lucked out, being given the easiest job. All it had to do was grab the granny and use her as leverage. Being in its natural form should scare her enough to make that easy.

The back door was hanging open, and Slak peered around the screen door. A green pony sat in a rocking chair, slowly tilting back and forth. Her eyes were closed, and she seemed to be snoring. Slak didn’t know a lot about ponies, but it had been told this one was old and infirm. A rope hanging next to her chair, presumably to help her get up, confirmed that idea.

Slak stomped one slimy hoof on a rock. When that didn’t wake the old pony, it growled loudly.

Granny Smith jerked in her chair, eyes snapping open. She mumbled incoherently as she peered around the kitchen, trying to figure out where she was. Her eyes landed on Slak, and her body went rigid. “Well now, what the hay are you?” she asked, more than a little fear and confusion in her voice.

“Never mind what I am elder. Come with me” Slak snarled in response, hoping to scare her into getting up.

“Are you from Everfree? Ain’t never seen nothin’ like you before in there, but it’s a big forest” the pony muttered.

“No, I’m not from your forest. I’m from space. Now come with me.”

“Never heard a’ no Space Forest. It up north? I’ve heard they got weird names for things up there.”

“No, it’s straight up, and it’s not…” Slak paused, realizing that it was explaining itself to a victim. “None of your business! Come with me!”

“Well, alright. But you’ll need to help me up. After all, I’m just a weak old lady” Granny replied, squinting at it sadly.

Slak growled, but started through the door. “Isn’t that what the rope’s for?” it snarled, annoyed.

The old mare cackled. “Nope. The rope’s for this!” she exclaimed, before gripping it with her jaw and pulling.

What passed for Slak’s eyes followed the now tense rope up from her chair, across a ceiling beam, back towards him, and finally landed on a small avalanche of iron cooking utensils. A small cry squeaked through its lips before the crockery flattened it, knocking it momentarily unconscious.

When it came to, it was to the sound of Granny Smith cackling madly. “Like it? Mah grandson helped me set it up. I don’t know nothin’ bout Space Forest, but I’ve lived next to the Everfree for seventy odd years now, and you don't pull that off by bein’ stupid. One thing I’ve learned is that no matter how weird or magical a creature seems, ain’t nothin’ in Celestia’s Equestria that likes having 80 pounds of cast iron fall on its head.”

The clatter of metal from behind her caught Applejack off guard. “Granny!” she shouted, spinning to run back towards the kitchen.

Lyra, seeing her opening, leaped forwards and dug her teeth into Applejack’s shoulder. Applejack shouted in pain, but was quickly silenced by a blow to the back of the head. She saw stars for a moment, and then nothing at all.

The world was black. But rather than the piercing pain and loss of life that usually came with your head being enveloped by a pair of jaws, a subtle wet gnawing and frantic giggling filled her other senses.

The Hostess reached up with a hoof and felt her face. A squat, scaly creature was gripping the front of it, covering her eyes. She scraped it off, and it fell to the floor with a bump. A small green crocodile-

Alligator, came a voice from the back of her head.

Yes, thank you Pinkie, a small green alligator lay on the floor in front of her. It had apparently been de-toothed, a fact the alligator itself had not seemed to quite pick up on, as it was now trying to eat her leg.

“What” the Hostess whispered, lifting her leg with alligator trailing behind. “Is this?”

“That’s Gummy” Twilight whispered in response, stifling her giggles. “He’s… well, he was Pinkie’s pet alligator.”

The pink pony stared into the vacant eyes of the lizard for a few moments. “I like it. It’s coming with us” she whispered, dropping it into a saddle bag.

The trio, technically now a quartet, tip-toed down the stairs. They crept out the door, and then began to circle the cupcake-shaped building.

There said Pinkie, indicating a small door below street level. That’s never been there before.

It was disguised to look like wood, but the trained eye could see the small glimmer of tarsonium under the fake paneling if it was examined closely enough. John sidled up to it, and pressed the sonic screwdriver against the lock. A pop rang out, and the door settled slightly.

“Alright. You two wait out here. I’m going in” the Hostess whispered, but was stopped by a brown hoof.

“Not this time. We’re coming with you” John said, Twilight nodding in agreement.

“No. I won’t have it. It’s too dangerous” the Time Mare answered, shaking her own head.

“Hostess, what happened the last time we waited outside?” Twilight asked.

“I went in, and then they found me, and…” she trailed off.

“And we ended up running for our lives. So don’t tell me it’s too dangerous in there, when it’s more than likely you’re just going to bring the danger out” Twilight finished.

The pink pony bit her lip, thinking. “Alright, fine. But you stay behind me, and if I tell you to run, you run. Got it?”

Both ponies nodded.

The Hostess sighed, and turned to face the door. “Then once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more” she said, pushing through into the room of metal and rubber beyond.

Applebloom struggled against her captor, but her efforts were useless against the much larger and stronger green pony that held her. The slime that covered the thing smeared through her hair and mixed with the tears on her face.

The barn began to shake subtly, and the small yellow pony stopped fighting momentarily. A rhythmic pounding sound became louder and louder, finally stopping when Big Mac skidded to a halt in front of the barn’s door. He stepped into the opening, but didn’t enter the barn. He nearly filled the door, blocking the afternoon sun and throwing a massive shadow across the Falaxaporian and Applebloom.

“Big Mac! I'm so sorry, I just didn't want to wait outside, so I sneaked out mah window and-” Applebloom cried.

“Are you hurt?” he interrupted, looking not at her but at her captor.

“No” she said, then paused. “I’m scared big brother.”

“It’s going to be alright Applebloom” the large red pony reassured her. “Put her down. Now” he ordered, addressing the alien.

“I will put her down when we have the orange one, and no sooner.”

“Put her down now, or you don’t leave this farm alive.”

The creature snarled and bared its teeth. “Threaten me again, and neither does she.”

The two enemies stared at each other, one snarling quietly, the other showing no signs of emotion. Big Mac took raised a hoof to step forwards, and the alien opened its jaws and placed them next to Applebloom’s neck. The young pony whimpered in fear, trying to push herself away.

Big Mac stepped backwards, and the entire process reversed itself. The barn was silent except for the stifled sobs of the captured filly.

The standoff held for a minute and a half, and would have held for a lot longer if Applebloom hadn’t snapped under the tension and kicked the Falaxaporian in the head. She lacked both the practiced muscles of her sister and the sheer size of her brother, but she was still an Apple, and Apples kick hard.

Her victim snorted in surprise, and nearly lost hold of her. With an angry snarl, it snapped at her. Its jaws caught the tip of her ear, and she squealed in pain as the sharp teeth severed the top inch of the tender flesh. The pain inspired her to kick harder, and she managed to drive herself out of the creature’s grasp and dart away, her ear trailing blood.

As soon as Big Mac saw that blood, his mind went blank with rage. For the second time in his life, he was angry. And unlike the day his parents had died, he had somepony to aim that anger at.

An animalistic roar left his lips as he charged at the now cowering alien. One wrinkled paw came up to block his charge, but he knocked it away easily. Both of his steel shoed front hooves raised into the air, ready to come down on the creature’s skull.

Falaxaporians are not a religious species. They have only one godly being, and it’s a sort of a cross between a god, a demon, and the boogieman. Its name is Garg, and it travels around the cosmos crushing lazy or stupid Falaxaporians with its massive hammer named Tel-Kchin. It is a story told to young Falaxaporians to teach them that the universe is a cruel place, and the only one you can rely on is yourself.

Moments before its death, the cowering Falaxaporian’s fear addled mind noted that Big Mac’s hooves glinted in the exact same way it had always pictured Tel-Kchin glinting.

Chapter 10

A bolt of lighting split the air, illuminating the pouring rain. Trees bent under the pressure of the gale-force storm, branches snapping from the stress. In the exact center of the storms wrath, a strange serpentine creature stood on a hill top, flanked by a pair of ponies.

“Your reign is over Discord!” shouted the white alicorn that stood, horn at the ready, to his left.

“No more will ponies have to bend to your chaotic whims!” yelled her slightly smaller sister, standing in a similar position to his right.

The draconequis between them laughed out loud, glancing from one sister to the other with mocking eyes. “Now now, Luna, Celestia, we’ve been over this. You can’t defeat me. You just don’t have the raw power. How many times do I have to beat you before that lesson penetrates your thick pony skulls?”

“We’ll never give up! Not as long as ponies suffer under your rule!” shouted the younger Luna, voice full of defiance.

Discord studied her eyes, brow furrowing in short-lived interest. “You really won’t, will you? You’re going to keep fighting me until either you win, or you die.” He chuckled, and shrugged his shoulders so hard they momentarily detached from his body. “Fine by me. I look forward to our little tussles. Now, what shall I turn you into this time? Have we done squirrels yet? Or how about ducks?”

“It will be different this time” said Celestia in a calm, low voice that was barely audible over the storm. “We’ve found the Elements of Harmony, and we will use their power to trap you in stone forever.” As she spoke, three elements rose from her and three from her sister, the six magical stones circling around the sister’s horns. “This is the day of your undoing, Discord!” she finished, voice rising to a shout.

Discord sighed heavily. “Oh, so you found those dreary old gems, did you? I suppose I won’t be able to hold back this time then.” He set his legs comically far apart and summoned a small ball of chaotic energy into his eagle claw. A thought seemed to occur to him, and he grinned widely.

“Turn me to stone, you say?” he asked, flipping the ball of energy between his talons as if it was a coin. “Well, I really only have one thing to say to that…” He reached behind his slender back and pulled out a pair of large black sunglasses. Placing them on his nose, he grinned at them both. “Let’s rock!” he declared, far too entertained by his own joke.

If the three hadn’t been so preoccupied by their conflict, one of them probably would have noticed the blue box slowly phasing in on a nearby hill top.

When the box had fully materialized, a brown earth pony stuck his head out just in time to nearly be hit by a withering bolt of solar energy. The errant ray hit the earth two feet from the box, blowing a perfectly semi-circular crater in the turf.

The brown pony scraped the mud from the side of his face while staring up at the three titans battling in the stormy sky. They flew and collided in a deadly dance that tore up the landscape around them.

“Well” announced the earth pony to nopony in particular. “That’s definitely not right.”

Without another word, he retreated into his blue box, which promptly phased out of existence with a loud grating noise.

Moments later, the hill was hit by an orb of chaos and turned into an equal volume of squirrels.

Three ponies – one purple, one pink, and one brown – crept through metal hallways. They had managed to evade detection so far by listening carefully and quietly scampering out of the way of any approaching hoofsteps.

The Hostess examined a series of signs, written in a language neither Twilight nor John had ever seen before. She turned to the other two and whispered “we’re almost at the control room. This way.” She headed down an adjoining hall as quietly as she could, the other two trailing behind her.

They stopped a few minutes later at a door that looked identical to the many they had already passed. “Alright. This is it. Now, if we are very, very lucky, it’ll be between shifts and nopony will be in there” the Hostess said as quietly as she could.

All three of them took a deep breath, and the Hostess reached up to the control panel next to the door. She bit her lip and shot a quick prayer to whatever god is in charge of Time Mares.

She opened the door.

Thirteen Falaxaporians turned to look directly at her.

She closed the door.

“Damnit” she announced flatly, before turning away and running towards John and Twilight, who were already halfway towards the nearest corner. She had barely cleared the door when it slid open and four snarling aliens leaped through, slamming into the wall behind her.

“Alright!” she shouted when she had caught up with her friends. “Plan B! We run around in a circle, and go in through another door into the now empty control room!”

“You three! Go guard the control room!” yelled a voice behind her.

“Maybe you shouldn’t have yelled that” Twilight pointed out.

“Yes, thank you Ms. Sparkle, I realize that now.”

“So what’s plan C?” asked John, already beginning to pant.

“Does running count as a plan?” The Hostess grinned at him.

Granny Smith slowly rocked back and forth and considered her next move. The thing she had trapped under her cooking supplies had stopped trying to talk to her, and neither Macintosh nor Applejack had return to the kitchen yet. That was worrying.

She sighed with relief when she heard the scampering of small hooves. Applebloom ran in to the kitchen from the front hall. “Granny, Gra-“ she was shouting, but stopped dead with a gasp when she saw the thing trapped under the pots and pans.

“It’s alright lil’ un’. He’s trapped, can’t hurt anypony now” Granny reassured as she turned in her chair. “Oh, yer bleedin’! Come here and let Granny take a look at it.”

Applebloom skirted around the glowering Falaxaporian and hopped up on her grandmother’s lap. “One of ‘em bit me, but Big Mac got ‘im.”

“Oh, you’ll be fine. Ain’t nothin’ but a flesh wound. You’ll be missin’ a tip o’ yer ear, but that’s alright. It’ll add character to yer face” Granny said after examining the bleeding ear. “Now where’s yer brother?”

Applebloom opened her mouth to answer, but was cut off by a low voice. “Here” said Big Macintosh as he walked into the kitchen, his hooves still covered in green gunk. He noted the trapped Falaxaporian and snorted.

“Red one, there you are. Let me go and we’ll see what-“ the monster started before being interrupted.

“Applebloom, look away” ordered Big Mac in a voice filled with uncharacteristic anger as he walked towards the prisoner.

“What? No, what are you… No!” cried the terrified alien, his last words ones of confusion and denial.

The Hostess looked left: Falaxaporians. She looked right: Falaxaporians. Directly ahead: Falaxaporians. “We’re trapped” she announced.

“No, really?” asked Twilight sarcastically, managing to blast the closest assailant back a few feet with an effort of will. They had learned a healthy respect for her horn, but producing that kind of brute force was tiring. She had already nearly killed John and subdued a raging dragon today, and hadn't eaten nearly enough. She couldn’t hold them off for much longer.

The screwdriver whined, and an electrical panel near the right group of aliens violently, making them backpedal from the shower of sparks it issued. “Hey Hostess” he mumbled around the screwdriver. “Why haven they killed ush yet?”

“That’s what they’re trying to do!” shouted Twilight, forcing the last few iotas of power she had left through her horn.

“Well, no, they’re not” replied John, maneuvering the screwdriver into the side of his mouth so he could speak more clearly. “You told me about that weird energy thing they fired at Spike. They haven’t done anything like that at us, they’ve just… ran at us.”

“OH!” shouted the Hostess, startling both the other ponies. “I’m so stupid! They want me! They need me! Alive!”

“Why?” asked Twilight.

“Don’t know, but they do. That’s the whole reason they’re here! They followed me! That’s why they haven’t killed us! They need me, and they can’t risk firing at you and hitting me.” She paused. "Alright, here's what you need to do. You need to keep trying to contact your princess. They need me, I'll be fine."

"Hostess, what..." Twilight's voice died in her throat.

"Alright, here's the deal" the Hostess yelled, turning to the closest group. "You escort us to the exit, and they leave. Then I'll come with you quietly."

The group of aliens turned too look at a particular Falaxaporian, who was staring at the group with what could have been a thoughtful expression.

Twilight opened and closed her mouth soundlessly.

"Hostess, you don't have to do this" whispered John, walking up next to her.

"Yes, John, I do. Your princess is now our only hope, and she won't know anything's wrong unless you two tell her. This is the only way to stop them."

"Your offer is accepted. You will come this way" replied the thoughtful Falaxaporian, presumably the leader. The monsters turned as a group and walked down one of the metal hallways. The three ponies followed, every route of escape blocked by a grinning alien.

Before long, they arrived at the familiar exterior door. "Say goodbye to your pets, Hostess" hissed one of their escorts.

The Hostess grinned and said a quick goodbye. Between her teeth, she muttered "remember. I'll be fine. Find a way past the field."

Her friends nodded and forced themselves to leave her. They pushed out through the fake-wooden door and squinted in the sunlight.

“…Now what?” asked John after a few seconds of silence.

“We do what the Hostess said. I’m going back to the library to recharge my magic and see if I can bypass this field, whatever it is.”

“Yeah” John murmured. “Do you think she’ll be okay?”

Twilight opened her mouth to reassure him, and then closed it. She looked at the ground “I don’t know” she finally answered.

Big Mac finished dragging the body out to the barn to be kept with the other and trotted back to the kitchen. He ignored the withering look Granny was shooting at him. “Is she alright?” he asked.

“She will be fine” replied the elderly pony, emphasizing the ‘she’ pointedly.

“Where’s Applejack?” asked the large red pony, glancing around the kitchen.

Granny blinked in surprise. “She ain’t with you? I ain’t seen her since she went to answer to door.”

Big Macintosh would have turned white, if he was the kind of pony that turned white. As it was, his jaw tensed, and his pupils contracted slightly.

“She’s in trouble, isn’t she?” asked Granny softly.

Big Mac nodded, his teeth grating together quietly.

“Go help her. Me an’ the lil’ un’ will be fine. We’ll lock the doors, and not let anypony but you in. Sound good?”

Big Macintosh thought for a few seconds, and then nodded. His grandmother beckoned for him to lean down, and he did so. She kissed him on the top of his head. “You’re a good stallion Macintosh. Your father would be proud.”

The huge red pony nodded with a slight smile, and galloped from the house.

“C’mon sprout! We’re gonna go play upstairs” said Granny, heaving herself from her chair and creaking towards the stairs.

“Mmm, little tighter” said the Hostess in a thoughtful tone, addressing the Falaxaporian binding her legs to the steel table. “I think there’s still a little give.”

Her captor growled and heaved on the centre strap, driving the air from her lungs.

“Alright, I asked for that” she muttered, out of breath. “Hey!” she called, after recovering her wind. “Leader guy.”

“My name is Dahy’v” replied the one who had accepted the deal earlier, not looking up from its control panel.

“Alright, Dahy’v. Why so much effort spent to get me? You’ve got a whole planet here, ripe for the plucking, and yet you focus on me. Why?”

“You are a Time Lord.”

“Time Mare, actually, but same difference. Why does that matter? I mean, we’re great and all, I’m not denying that, but we’re not lucky charms or anything. And if you think I’m going to work for you, you are sorely mistaken. Very sorely.”

“The Time Lords hold the power of regeneration” explained Dahy’v in a patient voice.

“So? It’s not like a piece of knowledge you can torture out of me, it’s a part… a part of our biology…” she trailed off.

“Ah, and the penny drops” said Dahy’v, grinning as he turned to face her.

“You’re true shape shifters. You get the abilities of your host. Including regeneration” the Hostess responded, mind racing.

“Exactly. Think of the possibilities!”

“A horde of unkillable, endless parasites. A universe-wide swarm of locusts.”

“Oh, locust? Is that how you think of us? You wound me Hostess, you really do.” It chuckled. “But yes, you’re right. We shall be immortal, and my race shall rule the universe, as it should be. All will bow before the Falaxaporians, and the Falaxaporians will bow before me, the discoverer of our greatest weapon.”

“Alright, try it now Spike” ordered Twilight. The dragon ignited the letter with a sigh, and belched the same scroll a few seconds later. Twilight muttered and made a note on her parchment, taking a bite of a sandwich as she did so.

John sighed and looked back down to the book that had been left out on the table, most likely by Fluttershy. John had heard people talk about the animal loving pegasus, but had never actually seen her. He had actually begun to think she was an urban legend.

As such, he was a little disappointed when all he ended up seeing of her was the tip of a fleeing pink tail. Twilight had assured him that she avoided everypony she didn’t know, but he couldn’t help but be a little annoyed. It would have been nice to meet another pony who had ended up with a talent that usually fell to another race.

He sighed through his nostrils and tried to read. The combination of Twilight’s incessant testing and his worry for the Hostess made that a nearly impossible task, but he eventually managed to block out the distractions.

He was jolted out of his literary trance less than five minutes later, when a knocking on the library door made the whole place rattle.

“John, could you tell whoever that is that the library is closed?” Twilight asked, checking her math.

John grumbled, but got up and trotted to the door. Before he could make it, the pony knocked again, even louder. “Just wait a second, I’m coming” he called, pulling open the door. “The library is- Big Mac?”

“John. Ms. Sparkle” said Big Mac, even in such an emergency speaking slowly and calmly. “They have Applejack.”

“So you’re going to steal the secret of regeneration and rule over the entire universe as an immortal master race” confirmed the Hostess, still strapped securely to a table.

“That about covers it, yes” rasped Dahy’v, turning away from her to fiddle at a terminal.

“Well there’s just one fatal flaw with that plan” said the Hostess, confidence obvious in her voice.

Dahy’v glanced over its shoulder at her. “And what would that be?”

“Ohh, I don’t think I’ll spoil the surprise. You’ll find out soon enough” she answered, and then chuckled.

“I think you’re bluffing.”

“Think whatever you want.”

The conversation (which was rapidly devolving into bickering) was interrupted when a Falaxaporian with a very proud look burst in with an unconscious Applejack draped across its back. “I got her! I got the orange…” it trailed off as it noticed the pink captive. “Oh. Guess we don’t really need this one anymore, do we.”

The leader sighed into a misshapen hoof and pointed to an empty table. “Strap her there. We’ll execute her later.”

“Wow, good control of your minions, master of the universe. What, did you forget to radio them?” said the Hostess sarcastically as the unconscious Applejack was strapped down next to her.

“You be quiet. There will be more no interruptions.” No sooner had the words left Dahy’v’s toothy mouth when a loud bang resonated through the control room. “What is it now!?” it shouted, exasperated, as the sound rang out again.

“Err… you’re not going to like it” answered a Falaxaporian who was studying a monitor. “There’s some ponies outside.”

“What are they doing?”

The alien squinted at the screen. “They’re… knocking?”

“That door” said Twilight, pointing Big Mac towards the door under cupcake corner they had that had so recently appeared. The Hostess might have been confident in her own safety, but Applejack had no similar protection. There was no reason to assume she was safe, and so after giving Spike instructions to continue trying to send the letter, they had headed back down to Cupcake Corner.

John trotted up to the door and pressed the screwdriver against the lock. The characteristic buzzing rang out, but suddenly replaced by a ringing alarm. He flicked it a panel on it open with a jerk of his head and looked at the small readout on the side, his eyes crossing uncomfortably.

“Dang it. It’s deadlock sealed” he announced.

“What does that mean?” asked Twilight.

“No idea. I just read it off here. But the screwdriver can’t open it, they’ve shut us out.”

Big Mac walked slowly up next to John and shouldered him out of the way, pointing his massive hindquarters at the door. He set his front legs and bucked as hard as he could at the door. A huge metallic clang filled the air, but the door didn’t budge.

“Big Mac, you can’t just…” Twilight began, but was interrupted when he kicked again. This time, he slid half a foot forwards on his front hooves, but the door still didn’t budge.

“You won’t be able to kick it down Big Mac. It’s too strong.” John placed a hoof on his shoulder, but Big Mac shook it off with an angry snort.

“What about you Ms. Sparkle? Mah sister says you have powerful magic” the red pony asked, a hint of desperation in his voice.

“No, I can’t. This is Tarsonium, the more magic I apply, the stronger it’ll get” Twilight said, exasperated. “If only I had something to channel it through, something that could turn it into physical… force…” she trailed off, staring at Big Mac. A slow smile overtook her features.

“Twilight, what are you thinking?” asked John, worried by the mad glint in her eye.

“Big Mac, you would be willing to do anything to save your sister, yes? Including subjecting yourself to a dangerous, untested magical experiment?” she asked.

“Ee-yup.”

“Applejack” whispered the Hostess, doing her best not to alert the token guard that had been left at the door. All the rest had gone to see about the front door, making this her perfect chance to escape.

“Applejack!” she whispered slightly louder, inwardly rejoicing when the orange pony’s eyelids fluttered.

“Pinkie, is that you? Oof, mah head is killing me…” she muttered.

“Shh shh shh” hushed the pink pony. “Don’t talk, we need to be quiet. Can you reach the bag next to you?”

“Uhh… what? Oh, yeah, I suppose so” murmered Applejack, still drowsy. She reached out with her neck, teeth grazing the strap of the Hostess’s saddle bag.

“Just a little farther. Please” pleaded the Hostess quietly.

“Yeah, alright, just let me… darn it!” Applejack grabbed the bag and pulled, but it slipped from her lips and spilled its contents on the floor, causing her to shout out in annoyance.

The guard glanced over at them, but saw nothing wrong. “Quiet down over there!” it shouted for good measure.

The Hostess didn’t even notice the reprimand, her attention focused on the small green reptile that had fallen from her bag and was now waddling across the floor. She didn’t know what she expected Gummy to do, but he was really her last hope now.

Applejack’s head lolled back into unconsciousness as Gummy slowly waddled across the floor. After a few agonizing feet, his snout bumped into something metal. He had hit the case of a computer, a few inches from some exposed wiring that had evidently been under recent repair.

Gummy examined the wiring with a cock-eyed gaze. He had never seen electrical wires before, but luckily he had a protocol in place for things he had never seen before. He attempted to eat them.

The first few bites yielded nothing but dust, but a jerk of the head created an exciting crackle and revealed some appetizing new orangey metallic bits. Vigor renewed, Gummy’s toothless jaws shut down on the exposed copper.

“Gummy!” the Hostess yelled as he bit down on the wires and went completely rigid.

“What the-” cried the guard, but was interrupted by a very localized explosion inside a computer case, from which erupted a surprised looking alligator. The reptile bounced off a wall before landing on the pink captive’s stomach, causing her to grunt.

“I knew there was a reason I liked you” murmered the Hostess, smiling at the apparently unharmed alligator that was now trying to eat her stomach strap with little success.

“You little-“ muttered the Falaxaporian angrily, advancing on the two, before a voice behind it made it turn on its heel.

“Files damaged. Restarting to avoid corruption” the computer intoned flatly.

“No no no no…” muttered the guard, alligator forgotten, running over and frantically slapping at the keys.

“Good boy” whispered the Hostess, before twisting her body and managing to deposit Gummy under a table and out of the way. Her friends had come knocking, and she had damaged their computer. Things were looking up.

“Alright, ready Big Mac?” asked Twilight, getting a nod in response.

“Is this at all safe?” asked John nervously, standing off to the side.

“Well, in theory, it should be perfectly safe. Healthy even.” Twilight grinned nervously. “In reality, I have no idea. This has never been tried before” she admitted, before turning her mind to the spell before her.

It wasn’t even technically a spell, not really. Modern magic theory said that all ponies had some magic. Unicorns used it for telekinesis and spells, but earth ponies used in a more subtle way. It made them stronger, tougher, and enhanced their connection with the earth.

So, in theory, she should be able to pour magic into Big Mac in the same way she’d bolster another unicorn’s spell, and it should make him stronger. It wasn’t a spell, she was just pushing more power through the pathways he already had.

That was the theory. In actuality, she might just make his heart explode.

She shook her head and pushed those thoughts away. This was not a time for doubt. She carefully lowered her horn, and sent out the first cautious tendril of magic. To her relief, she felt Big Mac accept it, and a sudden intake of breath showed that he could feel it. She pushed a little more, and then said “alright, try it now.”

Big Mac raised his hooves and slammed them backwards into the door. The sound was louder, but other than that, nothing seemed to change. “Nothing” he told Twilight.

Twilight steeled her mind and shoved even more magic through her horn. “Alright, again.”

Big Mac took a deep breath, trying to ignore the strange feeling creeping through his nerves, and kicked back as hard as he could. He slid forwards nearly a foot, but when he looked back, the door had buckled slightly. “More, if you can” he said, resetting himself.

Had Twilight know the door had buckled, she would have given him just slightly more. As it was, with her eyes closed, she thought the second kick had been in vain as well. She grit her teeth, gathered her strength, and forced every ounce of power she had into the red pony.

Big Mac felt the sudden rush of power, and his eyes snapped wide open. He could feel it; he could feel the entire planet underneath his hooves. He could tell it was round, contrary to what his teachers had taught him, but that didn’t particularly concern him. What did concern him was how he could use the connection for his own means.

He dug his front hooves into the ground, reaching into it and pulling instinctively, and it split as plants erupted through the packed earth. First grass, then flowers, then a few small trees burst through, wrapping themselves around his legs and anchoring him to the ground. His back legs raised into the air and kicked back into the door, splitting the air with a whistling sound.

The Tarsonium crumpled under his force, and the entire door flew off its hinges and into the darkness beyond the door. As quickly as it had come, Big Mac felt the magic and the connection with the earth flow away, and the trees relaxed around his forelegs. He realized he was sweating heavily and panting.

Twilight was doing much the same, and looked up at him, her tongue lolling out. “…Good job” she said, after a few seconds of trying and failing to think of something appropriate to the situation. She smiled at him.

“Err… we going inside?” asked John, reminding the two exhausted ponies of their purpose here. All three trotted in through the ruined door, and directly into a waiting circle of Falaxaporians.

“Well done. I’d just like to thank you for announcing yourself very loudly, giving us time to get in position, and then exhausting yourself before coming in our front door. Very thoughtful of you” said Dahy'v in an overly grateful tone.

“How’s the computer?” asked the Hostess.

“Shut up” hissed the Falaxaporian pecking desperately at the keyboard in front of it.

The door slid open, and Dahy’v walked back through, followed by the rest of the aliens carrying three bound ponies. “What is going on in here?” it asked.

“Dingus over there broke your computer” answered the Hostess, groaning internally at her captured friends.

“No it- a small green reptile ripped out some of the wires” protested the unfortunate minion. “I’ve rebooted, and the only thing damaged was the AI. We can still scan the Time Lord, we’ll just need to control it manually.”

The leader growled under its breath at the lackey. “Fine” it muttered. “That is fine. Let’s just do it before anything else can happen.”

The three ponies were dumped unceremoniously at the Hostess’s feet as her captors began hooking an array of wires up to the pink pony’s head. As the last wire was attached, she looked down at the ponies below her. “I’m sorry you three. Looks like I wasn’t quite smart enough” she whispered.

“It’s alright Hostess. They’ve just got Ponyville now. As soon as they try to leave, Celestia will stop them” Twilight whispered back.

“Er… no, actually. As soon as they scan me, they’ll become an unkillable scourge on the universe.”

“Oh” said Twilight.

“Oh” said John.

“Indeed” said the Hostess.

“Quiet over there!” snapped Dahy’v. It walked over to the Hostess, giving Big Mac a kick in the ribs along the way. “If I were you, I’d ready myself for the scan. I’ve been told it’s quite painful.” It smiled. “Press the button.”

The Hostess’s teeth ground together as her entire body went rigid. Power and memories coursed through her mind as
the electrodes burst into life. Her mind and body began to download into the massive databanks below the complex, mixing with the others already in there.

Her name was Bon-Bon, and she didn’t understand why Lyra couldn’t see what was going on. Ponies would talk, how could she be so oblivious? Her name was Lyra, and why did Bon-Bon care so much? It shouldn’t matter what other ponies said. Her name was Macintosh, and all she had left was her sisters. Nopony was going to take them from her. Her name was BANG.

Her mind cleared of the foreign memories just in time to see a shower of sparks explode from a shattered screen. “WHAT NOW!?” screamed Dahy’v at the technician at that particular screen.

“Nothing. Just a hiccup in the data stream” said the Falaxaporian, flinching away. “We’ll be back online in just a few seconds.”

“We better be…” growled the leader, moments before the power went out and the room was plunged into darkness. Silence and blackness ruled supreme for a few moments, before every screen in the room began glowing a soft pink. The monitors glowed brighter and brighter, turning from a gentle illumination to a nearly retina scaring fluorescent shade.

Anypony who could still stand to look at the computers saw the pink split and open vertically, revealing an enormous baby blue eye. The eye looked from side to side before focusing on Dayh'v. The speakers placed around the room crackled into life.

“Hi! I’m Pinkie Pie! What’s your name?”

Chapter 11

You could have heard a pin drop in the control room at that moment. All eyes were locked on a monitor, all jaws were slack, and all minds were overwhelmed by sudden and aggressive confusion.

The blue eye on the monitor retreated into the background, revealing a pink pony head with a cotton-candy mane puffed out behind it. “Hello?” the pony said, reaching up with a hoof to knock on the glass with a loud tapping. “Can anypony hear me?”

The Hostess was the first to recover from the complete mental derailment, pushing all questions from her mind in favor of doing something actually useful. “Pinkie!” she shouted, causing the ponies at her feet to jerk in surprise. “Do you have access to the energy suppression field?”

“Mmm… dunno! Let me check!” responded Pinkie, grinning wildly before bouncing out of sight. A series of clanks and thuds emanated from the speakers, as a series of increasingly strange objects arced through the field of view.

Dahy’v suddenly jerked back into motion. “What is that, and why does it look like the Time Lord?” it hissed at the nearest keyboard using Falaxaporian.

“Time Mare” objected the Hostess.

“…That blip in the data stream seems to have been some sort of AI, and it’s infected the system” replied the minion after a few seconds of typing.

“She had an AI in her head?” Dahy’v asked, but raised a hoof when the other alien tried to respond. “It doesn’t matter, delete it.”

The Falaxaporian hit a few more keys, but only managed to cause a sort of spastic giggling from the speakers.

“Hey, cut that out, it tickles!” Pinkie chuckled from off-screen.

“We… we don’t have access” the underling said hesitantly.

“What do you mean we don’t have access, it’s our computer system!” Dahy’v snarled. The other Falaxaporian remained helplessly silent.

“Oooh!” the speakers suddenly squealed. “Is this it?” Pinkie said, bouncing back into view carrying a small metal box. She squinted at the faceplate, reading slowly. “Regional… Isolation Field… Generator.”

“Yes!” the Hostess shouted. “That’s it! Shut it off!”

“Okie Dokie Loki!”

“Stop her” ordered Dahy’v.

“I’ll try, but-“

“You will stop her, or you will be joining the ponies when they are executed” Dahy’v growled.

Pinkie examined the device very carefully from every angle, raised a hoof above the controls on the front, and drove her foot straight through it with a electric crackle and a shower of sparks. “Whoopsie” she giggled.

Half a mile away, a dragon let out a burst of flame and a letter went through.

“…Energy field is offline” whimpered the Falaxaporian tasked with stopping exactly that. “I’m sorry! It’s the way the computer’s built, I can’t override the AI!”

The furious leader backhanded the simpering minion with a hiss. It paused for a few seconds, staring at the pink pony on the monitor. Suddenly, it turned to the Hostess and the three ponies at her feet. “Fine, we’ll try another tactic.” It reached down, grabbed Twilight around the neck, and addressed the Hostess. “Tell your doppelganger to stand down.”

"Apologies sister" Celestia said, wrapping a tendril of force around the scroll that appeared in front of her. "I hate to interrupt our dinner, but I should really read this."

"It is of no concern to us" Luna replied from the other end of the table before taking a bite of her meal.

Celestia's customary smile dropped from her face as she scanned the letter. "Is something wrong?" asked her sister, noticing the change.

By way of reply, the older sister threw the letter down the table before vanishing in a blaze of light. Luna caught the message easily. Her eyes grew wide as they skimmed the letter, and she puffed into smoke that filtered out an open window.

“No!” Twilight yelled. She swung her head backwards, trying to connect with the alien’s snout, but was only given a dizzying smack for her efforts.

“Quit struggling. And if I see that horn even start to glimmer, I'll rip it off your stupid skull.”

“Hey! Don’t hurt Twilight” shouted Pinkie, the speakers reaching an uncomfortable volume.

Dahy’v turned back to the monitors, momentarily confused. “What’s this? The AI cares for the ponies too?”

Spike waited for the letter to return, as it had every time so far, but the rise in his gullet never came. He was just wondering whether the letter had finally gone through when a burst of light confirmed his suspicions.

"Celestia! Twilight! Monsters! We need-" Celestia cut him off by throwing him onto her back.

"I can find her" the alicorn said, before the two of them disappeared from the library with another blinding flash.

“Pinkie, don’t-“ the Hostess began to caution her, but was cut off by the crackling speakers.

“She’s one of my best friends, of course I care about her!”

Dahy’v grinned. “Well then, that will make this simpler. Restore the energy field.”

“Why should I?” Pinkie asked, indignantly.

“Because if you don’t, I will slit your friend’s throat.”

Pinkie began to reply, but the words died in her throat when the room was suddenly filled with blazing white light. Dahy'v turned to face the source, dragging Twilight with it, and ended up face to face with a huge, gently smiling white alicorn with a baby dragon on her back.

“Under the circumstances, that would be a fantastically bad idea” Celestia said.

Dahy’v let out a noise of exasperation. "More ponies who think they can stop me. Kill her" it ordered, motioning with a front hoof. A nearby Falaxaporian leaped towards her, teeth shining.

Celestia glanced at the attacking monster and her horn gleamed. The creature stopped dead in the air and fell to the ground screaming, covered in burns. The air filled with the smell and sizzle of cooking meat. “I assure you, just because I’m smiling does not mean I’m joking” said Celestia over the cries of pain, the soft smile never leaving her face. “If you harm a single hair on my student, your death will be quick, but far from painless.”

“Get her” the opposing leader growled, but not a single Falaxaporian moved. "What are you doing?” it asked, head swinging from one minion to the other.

The technician it had backhanded earlier kneeled down on its front legs, bowing to the princess. “Surrendering in the face of overwhelming power” it said. All around the room, the other aliens followed its lead, one by one.

"Cowards!" Dahy’v snarled, backing slowly away from the princess while making sure to keep a tight grip around Twilight's throat. Suddenly, it pushed the hostage away and galloped towards a rack of devices in a back corner of the room.

“Those are weapons, you might want to stop it” the Hostess advised to the princess next to her.

“Sister, if you would” Celestia said, catching the collapsing Twilight with her magic.

The shadows that surrounded the weapons rack abruptly swirled and coalesced into another alicorn, this one a dark blue. “Of course sister” Luna replied, placing herself between the weapons and the Falaxaporian. “What are these disgusting looking things?”

"Luna, you of all ponies should know how unfair it is to be judged on your appearance” Celestia reprimanded in a motherly voice.

Meanwhile, the one remaining resisting alien darted towards the still open door, only to have it close when it was a foot away. “Computer, open this door!” it shouted desperately.

“I’m sorry Dahy'v, I'm afraid I can’t do that” Pinkie replied.

“You are outnumbered, out powered, and trapped. I would suggest you join the others in surrender” Celestia said, in a calm pleasant voice.

“Never” it hissed.

Celestia sighed, the smile leaving her face for the first time. “Fine” she said, her horn glowing. There was a flash of light, and when it cleared, standing in the alien's place was an extremely accurate statue. “There we are. Much more effective than rope” she said.

It was, as they say, all over but the screaming.

The Falaxaporians had been carted (literally, in the case of Dahy'v) off to the now severely overcrowded jail to answer for their crimes at a later date. Celestia had decreed that they would be given a trial like anypony, with herself as judge, jury, and if she deemed it necessary, executioner.

Celestia had been promised a detailed overview of what exactly had happened, start to finish. The Hostess had been surprised by how laid-back she had been about that; in her experience, most supreme rulers were absolutely paranoid about knowing everything immediately. On the other hand, or rather, other hoof, most dictators did not have the inherent power to turn her subjects to stone.

As soon as the Hostess had been let down from the table, Pinkie had vanished from the screen with a burst of static. Twilight had let out a stifled cry when Pinkie vanished, and had not said a single word to the Hostess since.

In true Pinkie Pie fashion, the Hostess had thrown a party to celebrate the defeat of the aliens. She had expected ponies to be curious as to the reason for the party, but apparently throwing random parties had been a common habit of Pinkie, and one more attracted no attention.

She trotted through the crowd of ponies, checked the refreshment table, and surveyed the room. No problems presented themselves immediately. John was talking to Applejack. She still seemed a little shook up from the bump on the head, but she was conscious and her shoulder was bandaged. On the other end of the room, Twilight and Big Mac were deep in conversation. The Hostess had wandered by them earlier, and Twilight had been coaxing one word answers from the farmer pony about the experience of being pumped full of magic.

She turned away and trotted outside, finding the white alicorn standing outside. “Ah. I suppose you want your explanation now” she said.

“If it’s not too much trouble” the princess responded, smiling the same soft smile she had in the control room.

“Alright, well, first off, I’m not a pony, I’m a Time Mare, which is a derivative of-“ the Hostess began, but was cut off.

“Which is a derivative of a Time Lord, which is an alien species from Gallifrey that has mastered time travel. You are not Pinkie Pie, you are the Hostess, and you disguised yourself as our favorite pink mare six years ago. I know about that, what I want to know about is these green ponies.”

The Hostess stared. “How did you know about that? Who told you?” she spluttered.

Celestia smiled slightly wider. “You did. Or rather, you will. As a mutual friend of ours would say, ‘wibbly wobbly, timey-wimey’.”

“…You know the Doctor.”

“The green ponies, please.”

The Hostess sighed, and quickly ran down everything she knew about Falaxaporians and the last few days. “There’s a few details I wasn’t present for, so I’d talk to John and Ms. Sparkle if you get a chance. Now, if you’ll excuse me, there is one more thing I must do.”

“Of course” the princess said, standing aside to let her pass.

A few minutes later, Big Mac stepped out the front door, bowed to the princess, and headed in the same direction the Hostess had.

A pair of heavy red hooves clopped down the stairs to the basement of the police station. It was there where the Falaxaporians had been stored, a fact that Big Mac had managed to get from Twilight. He stepped into the stone room and stared at the cages full of aliens. He glanced around the room and found the set of keys that sat on a nearby table. He lowered his head to grab them, but when he looked back up, another pony stood in the shadowy dungeon.

“Hello Mr. Macintosh.”

“Hostess.”

“We both know why you’re here.”

“Eh-yup.”

“I won’t let you hurt them.”

“Ah won’t let you stop me.” Big Mac walked towards the cages, keys in mouth, but the Hostess stepped in front of him.

“They don’t need to die.”

“They hurt mah family.”

“They won’t do it again.”

“Doesn’t matter.”

“They’re going to be punished.”

“Doesn’t matter.”

“Not all of them hurt your family.”

“Doesn’t matter” said the red pony for the third time, pushing past the smaller pink pony easily.

“Killing them won’t bring your parents back” the Hostess said.

Big Mac stopped. “What did you just say?” he asked.

“I said, killing them won’t bring back your parents.”

Big Mac spat out the keys. “Don’t you talk about mah parents” he growled, turning back to the pink pony.

“They didn’t kill them. Nopony killed them” said the Hostess calmly.

"You shut your mouth. That has nothing to do with this" the red pony said, voice rising in volume.

"It was an accident. You couldn't have-"

“DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE TALK ABOUT MY PARENTS!” Big Mac burst out. “YOU WEREN’T THERE! YOU DON’T FUCKING KNOW!” he screamed.

The Hostess stared the raging pony straight in the eye. “I saw in your head, Mr. Macintosh. I know why you're doing this. And I can sympathize, I really can.”

“No you can’t” the stallion snarled.

“Yes I can. I already told you I'm from a different race. Well, my entire race is dead. Every one, except me and the one who killed them. And the worst part is that he was right to do it." A quaver entered her voice as she spoke, and she took a deep breath. "So believe me when I say that I know what it's like to lose people.”

Big Mac was silent.

The pink pony swallowed the lump that was suddenly in her throat. “I understand why you’re doing what you’re doing. But as a favor to me, I’m asking you not to do it. Please.”

Big Mac looked back towards the creatures he had come to kill. “Why should I listen to you?”

“I saved your life. I helped save your sister. You owe me.”

A long moment passed. “…Fine.” Big Mac said finally and turned back towards the stair. He began walking back up them, footsteps heavy.

“Macintosh?” the Hostess said, before he was out of earshot.

“Eh-yup?”

“We’re not friends, are we.”

Big Mac paused. “No, I don’t reckon we are” he said, before heading up the rest of the stairs.

John knocked his head against his front door. “Stupid, stupid, stupid” he muttered.

Applejack, still apparently a little woozy, had said that the aliens said Big Mac thought John had feelings for her. Not sure how to respond, his first instinct had been to laugh.

Not a little titter either, or a chuckle, he had laughed right in her face as loud as he could. As if such an idea was ridiculous. And then he had run away with some stupid excuse about clocks. “You are an idiot” he said.

“Who is?” asked a voice beside him, causing him to jump in shock and crack his head on the door. “Me?” asked the Hostess.

“Oh. No, I was just talking to myself” John said, rubbing his forehead.

“Ah. Alright. Well, I’m glad you’re here. You have my TARDIS, yes?” the Hostess said, seemingly distracted.

“Umm… yes. It’s in my basement.”

“Wonderful. Could we go take a look at it? I’d like to start repairing the damage as soon as possible.”

“In that much of hurry to leave us?” John asked, pushing his door open and trotting through his kitchen.

“This isn’t my home John, its Pinkie’s. There’s too much guilt for me to be comfortable living here.” She paused, following John to the basement stairs. “Also I think Big Macintosh might try and kill me if I stay too long.”

“He what?” sputtered John, spinning to face the pink pony.

“He and I... disagree on certain things. He's a good pony, but not a merciful one” she said, walking down the stairs ahead of him. “Besides, it’s all academic. Fixing that kind of damage will probably take me years, if I can do it at all.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that” grinned John, hopping ahead of her. “I have a surprise for you.”

The Hostess eyed him suspiciously. “What are you talking about?”

Rather than speaking, John nudged the door of the wardrobe in his basement open and gestured for her to go inside.

The Hostess raised an eyebrow, but stepped through the door. On the other side lay a TARDIS she barely recognized.

Although the control panel and sleek engine of the original still lay at the core, the golden glint of brass overlaid it. Thousands upon thousands of gears, ranging from pony-sized to the size of a small coin, meshed with each other and with the original machinery.

“You... you... my TARDIS” the Hostess breathed.

“…Is it alright?” John asked nervously, standing next to her.

“Alright?” she asked, looking at him like he was crazy. “John, it’s BRILLIANT!” She laughed out loud and began to prance around the room, examining the machinery. “A clockwork TARDIS! You are a verifiable genius! Assuming it works of
course.”

“It should” John said, walking after her. “All I did was fix the damage, I still don’t understand how the core of it works.”

“Well then!” the pony shouted, flipping a switch with her nose. “I think you’ve earned a trip! Where would you like to go? Anywhere in the universe. Pick a star! Pick… pick a…” she froze in place, her mouth hanging open. Thoughts of the stars had triggered one of Pinkie's memories, she could feel the familiar rush.

Pinkie dropped the world on her.

Twilight stepped out into the cold night air and took a deep breath. She didn’t quite know who to talk to. John and Applejack had both run off blushing, Big Mac had left in the middle of the conversation without an explanation, and Celestia was nowhere to be found. She couldn’t talk to the rest of her friends either without explaining about the Hostess, and she wasn’t ready to do that yet.

She was jerked out of her melancholy thoughts by a pounding of hooves on the dirt behind her. Her head whipped around, body still amped on adrenaline, and she was tackled by a pink blur.

“TWILIGHT!” the blur yelled giddily. “I remember you! I remember it all! The Elements of Harmony and Celestia and Luna and Nightmare Moon and Discord and oh god Pinkie was the bearer of Laughter I wonder if I’m the bearer of Laughter now but that’s not the point the point is I remember you! And you! Are! Fantastic!”

“Hostess?” asked Twilight, sitting up painfully.

“Twilight Sparkle! Got stars on your flank and you think they’re pieces of the moon!” The Hostess laughed and planted a kiss directly on the tip of Twilight’s horn. “Well I’m going to show you the stars Twilight! You me and John, we’re going to… Pinkie’s telling me I shouldn’t have kissed your horn.”

“Guh” Twilight mumbled.

“It is a somewhat more intimate gesture than I think you intended” John said, strolling out of the party and leaning against the doorway.

For an imperceptible moment, the giddy smile on the pink pony's face was replaced by confusion. She forced her mouth back into the smile and looked at Twilight. “Sorry about that. You know where John lives, right? Go meet me outside his place” the Hostess ordered, pushing her in the right direction. Twilight stumbled away.

The Hostess watched her leave, and said to the pony behind her without looking at him “you’re not John.”

John trotted up beside her. “Of course I am” he replied.

“No, you’re not. John wasn’t at the party, he was at his house.”

The brown pony sighed, and when he spoke again, he had slipped into an accent. “Damn. Rookie mistake.”

“Hello Doctor.”

“Hello Hostess. How’d you know it was me?” the Doctor asked.

“You friend, the pegasus. She mistook John for you. I see you still insist on speaking in that stupid accent.”

The brown pony snorted. “Oy! Watch it! Sun never sets on the British empire.”

“Pretty sure that only matters on that backwater planet you used to spend all your time on. How’d you know it was me?” the Hostess said, cutting off the other pony’s protestations with her question.

“Recognized your TARDIS’s energy signature. You still driving that old thing?”

“You’re one to talk. I bet you’re still cavorting around in that T-40. That junk heap was obsolete when you stole it.”

“Hey, it’s a military model. Built to last.”

“Built for six, you mean. How do you fly it by yourself?”

“I manage.” The Doctor paused in his banter, and when he spoke again, his voice was somber. “You escaped the time lock.”

“Yes, I did” the Hostess said simply.

“The Master escaped too.”

“I know. He did it before me. I had nothing to do with him, if we got out the same way it was a coincidence.”

“How did you get out?” growled the stallion.

“A lady never tells” the pink pony responded.

“And a gentleman never asks. Yet here I am, asking. So what does that say about me?”

“And here I am, not telling. What does that say about me?” the Hostess chuckled, brushing her tail across his face.

The Doctor’s face didn’t move as the pink hair skimmed his nose. “Do you… do you think I did the right thing?”

She glanced back at him. “What, with the time lock? You did what you had to do.”

“But did I do the right thing?”

"I'd be lying if I said I was happy you did it. I hated you for it for... a very long time. Maybe I still do, at least a little bit. But..." The pink pony paused. “What was that you used to say? That you were the highest authority? That it stopped with you?”

“I see what you’re saying. If I’m going to make these sorts of decisions, I need to be confident in my ability to make them.”

“...Actually, my point was that you’re too much of a pompous ass to be feeling sorry for yourself.” She smiled. “But yours works too.”

The brown pony smiled back and turned back towards the party. “I’m sure this isn’t the last time we’ll meet.”

“No, I’m sure it’s not” said the mare, walking towards John’s place.

Celestia smiled gently at her subjects from the corner near the snack table. While the rest of the room was packed, nopony stood within seven feet of her. They weren’t afraid of her, she knew that. They were just extremely, extremely respectful. Annoyingly respectful. She understood why Luna had declined her invitation.

“I’m just going to grab some chips!” came a voice from next to her. Her head shot to the side. She had only heard that accent come out of the mouth of one pony before. She looked down at the smaller pony next to her, currently ransacking the chip bowl.

He looked up at her, crumbs covering his chin. He didn’t look like the pony she was thinking of, but she knew he could change his shape.

“Doctor? Is that you?” asked the princess, craning her neck to look him in the eyes.

The other pony stared back with wide eyes. “Er… no ma’am. I’m Pipsqueak.”

Twilight stood outside John’s door, shivering in the cold. She was just considering going inside when the Hostess’s excited voice reached her ears.

“Pick a star Ms. Sparkle, any star at all! Just point to one.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow at the request, but pointed a hoof at the brightest star she could see.

“The bright one? Good choice. Follow me” the Hostess said, pushing into John’s place and leading her down to the basement. John was standing next to a large bureau, which the Hostess went into.

“Weren’t you just at the party?” asked Twilight, confused.

“What? No. I left twenty minutes ago.”

“In here, both of you!” came a voice from the cabinet.

John shrugged at the purple unicorn and stepped through the door.

“There won’t be enough room for all of us in… there…” Twilight trailed off as she stepped into a room much too large to fit in the cabinet.

“Alright, ladies and gentlecolts!” the Hostess shouted, smiling at the shocked look on Twilight’s face. “Hold onto something. I haven’t flown this thing in six years, and it’s changed a little since then.” She pulled a lever with her mouth, and the machine burst into life.

The regular ticking of clockwork filled the cavernous room. High above, a long brass bar began to spin around the center column. Gears spun and ratchets clicked. In John’s basement, the cabinet slowly faded from view with a soft grating.

The Hostess will return in:
Wrong Axis
Or
Running of the Winter Wrap Up

Chapter 3

996 CE (Four years before the return of Nightmare Moon)

A strange box sits at the edge of the Everfree Forest. Sitting at the end of a large divot in an unfarmed field, one might imagine it fell from the sky. That is a clearly ridiculous thought. However, as chance would have it, it is also true.

The fires that used to conceal the details of its form have been extinguished by the forest itself, and now it can be examined more closely. Any pony that did so would not gain much from the process however, as the box seems to be constantly
changing shape. Now a house, now a stable, now a sort of freestanding closet. It seems to waver on the form of an outhouse for a few seconds, before transforming into a giant wooden horse, and then briefly into a blue box with the word “Police” on the top. As that was clearly unsuitable, it transformed into a tree, then into a bush, and then back into a tree. That appeared to be it, as the short but thick tree remained a short but thick tree.

Of course, anypony watching would probably have been too distracted by the screams to notice the shape changing. In all of its forms, a panel hung open off the side of the thing, and it was from that panel the screams emerged. Anypony brave enough to step inside would have found themselves in an unreasonably large room with two ponies in it.

One, a brown stallion, crouched on the iron grate that served as a floor. His hooves were over his ears, protecting the delicate membranes from the horrific sounds that filled the room.

The other, an altogether pink pony, writhed on a padded chair. Her face was wracked with pain, and it was from her the screams originated. Two metal discs were attached to sides of her head, somehow remaining attached despite her seizing.

The final scream died on her lips as she collapsed, unconscious. An incredibly inappropriate “Ding!” sprung from the machine. It would have been funny in any other circumstance, but as it was, the happy sound merely highlighted the sounds of pain that preceded it.

The stallion, John Smith, heaved himself off the floor. His legs were shaking, and his stomach was telling him that now would be a wonderful time to be sick. He held back the impulse and staggered over to the chair.

Doing his best not to look at the pink pony he knew as the Hostess, he lowered his muzzle to a slot in the side of the chair. Gripping the golden watch that had been inserted there with his teeth, he attempted to pull it out. It refused to budge. Resetting his teeth, and bracing his front hooves against the chair, he pulled harder. He felt it wiggle, but it didn’t release. He let out a lung-full of air, took a deep breath, and then pulled as hard as he could.

This time, the watch only held for a second and then slipped out of the slot with almost no resistance. John flew backwards, landing hard on his backside. The watch clattered on the ground. His eyes closed as he fought the sudden pain in his tail. They were only closed for a second at most, but when he opened them, the pink pony was out of the chair, and her face was mere inches from his.

“Hi! I’m Pinky Pie! What’s your name!?” She asked.

“AAAHHHHH!!” John replied.

“Your name is aaahhhh? That’s a funny name! I like it though! It’s easy to remember!”

“AAAAHHHH!” John agreed.

“AAAAAHHHHHH!!” The pink pony yelled back, and then giggled.

“How… how’d you get out of the chair?” John asked, taking deep breaths. Today had been a stressful day.

“Like this silly!” Pinkie Pie bounced onto the chair, leaping off all four legs at once. Once she had landed on top of it, she stepped down slowly, with exaggerated caution. “And that’s how you get out of a chair!” She declared, proudly.

John stared at her. The Hostess hadn’t mentioned the possibility of brain damage.

“Do you live around here? I’m leaving my home on the rock farm, so I need a place to live! Hopefully somewhere with a lot of other ponies who I can be friends with! But I won’t know anypony anywhere else.” She looked crestfallen for less than half a second, and then perked up again. “Oh, I know! I’ll just throw a party, and I’ll invite absolutely EVERYPONY, and then we’ll all be friends! Isn’t that a great idea!?”

John stared at the hyperactive mare who hadn’t stood still for a single second of her speech. After a few moments, his brain caught up with his ears, and he realized an answer was expected.

“Err… yes?”

“Great! Well, let’s go! I can’t wait to meet everypony in…”

“Ponyville”

“PONYVILLE!? That’s the bestest name for a town ever! The bestest superest FANTASTICIST name! The…” The rest of her description was lost as she bounced out the door.

John grabbed the watch in his mouth, took one last look around the room, and then stepped outside. He noted that the box had become a tree with no particular surprise, and closed the panel. The outline of the entrance blended in with the pattern of the bark, leaving no indication it was there.

Looking around, he noticed that Pinky Pie was already almost out of sight. Evidently that strange hopping gait was faster than it looked. He galloped after her, catching up only with considerable effort.

The two ponies headed towards Ponyville.

1002 CE (2 years after the return of Princess Luna)

The Hostess waited patiently for the laughter to end. There wouldn’t be much point getting John and Twilight to shut up, as they weren’t the only source of laughter. It echoed in the confines of her own head as well, sprouting from the section of her brain where Pinky had declared squatters rights.

Eventually, the two ponies became tired of their own joke, and managed to put on faces that approached serious. Pinky Pie followed suit.

“So what are we doing now Hostess?” Asked Twilight, still not sure if she believed that this wasn’t Pinkie Pie just playing a game.

The Hostess, deigning to act as if she hadn’t just been laughed at for several minutes, turned away from the boutique. “Well, it seems to me that the best course of action would be to go to the site of the disappearance and see if anything can be discovered. Now, where would this LOOK!” She interrupted herself as one hoof shot up into the sky.

Both John and Twilight bounded forwards to see what was wrong, but the sky was empty except for a weather pony adjusting some clouds.

“…What are you looking at, Hostess?” asked John, after a few awkward seconds of silence.

“That pony! It’s flying!” She insisted, eyes wide.

John and Twilight looked at her, and then at each other, and then back at her.

“…That’s not unusual, is it?” She asked, embarrassed.

They both shook their heads. “They’re called Pegasus ponies, or just pegasi. There’s not a lot in Ponyville, but they’re not rare either” Twilight said.

Both John and Twilight started walking again, but the Hostess sat down in the dirt. “No. Change of plans.” She ordered. “We are not taking one more step until I learn the basic facts of pony biology.”

Both John and Twilight paused, blank looks on her faces. After a few seconds, a grin crept on to John’s face. “Well, when a stallion and a mare love each other very much…”

The Hostess kicked him in the shin. “That is not what I meant, and you know it. Miss Sparkle, perhaps you could provide me with a brief lesson, as apparently John cannot.” A thought crossed her mind “By the way, I’m assuming you are a female and John is a male. Please correct me if that’s not so, or if there more than two genders.”

Twilight had been about to launch into a lecture on pony biology she had prepared for her children (Twilight believed in preparedness, at least when it came to lectures), but paused. “Yes, we are, but… Wait, is that… are there some ponies with… Or…” her words failed, and she stared at the Hostess, question unasked.

“You’d be surprised” the pink pony said with a grin “But that’s not entirely relevant at the moment. Ponies, please.”

“Uh… yes. Alright.” Twilight cleared her throat, and began to speak in a clear, loud voice. She’d been taught how to project at a young age by the princess. At this point in her life, she could give a speech clearly, precisely, confidently, and from half a mile away. In fact, it was a little painful sitting as close as the Hostess was.

“There are three types of ‘regular’ ponies, pegasus ponies (or pegasi), unicorn ponies (or unicorns), and earth ponies. Pegasus ponies can fly and walk on clouds, and are recognizable by the wings on their backs. Unicorns can perform telekinesis, as well as some minor spells related to their talents. A unicorn can be recognized by the horn on its head. The horn is used to channel magic. Earth ponies lack both horns and wings, but have a deep connection to the earth. They are stronger and more durable, and can grow plants with much more ease.”

“Okay, so these horns-“ The Hostess attempted to interrupt, but was steamrolled by the incredible inertia of Twilights speech.

“Now, if you’ll look at my flank, you’ll see my cutie mark. A cutie mark is an image or icon that a pony gains on their flank when he or she learns his or her special talent. The mark will represent the talent in some way. As you can see, mine is a star, representing my talent at magic. But it is important for you to know that no matter what your cutie mark is, I will love you forev-“ She managed to stop herself. Blushing, she added “Uh… nevermind that last part.”

The Hostess seemed too deep in thought to even notice the misstep, and John had stopped paying attention somewhere near the beginning. Twilight mentally sighed with relief.

The Hostess got up, and took off at a brisk pace. “I have two questions, but I’ll ask as we walk. So, my special talent is… balloons?”

“Party planning. At least, that was Pinkie Pie’s, I don’t know about yours.” Twilight replied, trotting to keep up. John followed close behind the two mares, letting them talk.

“No that would probably be mine as well. There’s a reason I’m called the Hostess, dear. Second question, what is your horn made of?”

“Bone, actually. It’s attached directly to the skull.” Twilight answered instantly. This was the sort of thing she always wished her friends took interest in.

“I see. Anything in particular about this bone? Something different than most of your bones, or perhaps different than the bones of other ponies?”

Twilight was flabbergasted. How could she know? “Yes, actually. The skull and horn of a unicorn have a much higher iron composition then the rest of the skeleton. How did you know?”

“Your magic is the simple manipulation of ambient energy to produce desired effects. The iron lets your bones conduct it. Skull gathers it, brain directs it, and horn focuses it. Actually very simple.” She smiled at Twilight “Not many species learn how to do it biologically though, so good for you there.”

Twilight stopped walking, and John walked into her flank. She didn’t even notice, and she immediately galloped back up to the Hostess.

John started spitting bits of her tail out.

“Did you just explain magic!?” the unicorn demanded.

“Probably. But it’s just an educated guess, so don’t put too much weight on it.” The Hostess suddenly stopped, and John walked into her flank.

“For the love of-“ John muttered, and began to scrape the new crop of hair from his tongue.

“It occurs to me that I really shouldn’t be leading the way, as I don’t actually know where we’re going. I was just walking in the direction John seemed to indicate.” The Hostess pointed out.

Twilight began to speak, and then paused “I don’t know either. You two just kept talking about the site of a disappearance. Who’s missing?”

Both mares slowly turned to look at John.

The stallion sat in the middle of the road, tongue lolling out. Decorating his tongue was a variety of purple and pink hairs, as well as good deal of mud from his hooves. At the moment he was attempting to use the side of his cleaner hoof to scrape the dirty, stringy mess out of his mouth. He felt their gaze on him and froze, meeting their eyes.

All three ponies stared at each other for a few seconds.

“Miss Sparkle?” The Hostess asked quietly “Could you perhaps give John a hand?”

Twilight’s horn lit up, and a telekinetic force scraped John’s tongue clean. It felt strange, like an extremely unpleasant kiss.

He spat the remnants out, and then stood back up. Scowling, he said “Big Macintosh is missing, so we’re going to Sweet Apple Acres. And I’ll lead the way, if that’s all right with everyone.”

He stalked ahead, and the two mares followed.

As they walked among the apple trees that surrounded the farmhouse, the Hostess felt the familiar rush of Pinkie Pie’s memories leaking through.

“Applejack” she said out loud involuntarily “Orange cowpony with a blond mane. Farms apples. Honest. Close friend. Wears a Stetson. Stetsons are cool. Little sister: Applebloom. Filly without a cutie mark. Grandmother: Granny Smith. Big brother: Big Macintosh. Largest stallion in Ponyville.”

The Hostess managed to cut off the stream of information before the final sentence. Pinkie Pie evidently had some less-than-innocent thoughts about Applejack’s brother.

Twilight glanced at her. “Pinkie Pie’s memories?”

The Hostess nodded.

“Have you remembered anything about me?” Twilight asked, her voice hopeful.

“No.” The Hostess bluntly replied.

“Oh.”

A few more moments of quiet passed. John was doing his best not to get involved in the mares conversation. He knew this had to be tough for Twilight, and he didn’t want to get in the middle of it and make things worse.

“So… John said you’re a Time Lord. What’s a Time Lord?” Twilight asked, choosing from the multitude of questions that still hadn’t been answered.

“I’m not a Time Lord. Not anymore. I’m a… “ the Hostess considered her options “Time Mare.” She didn’t entirely know why she said that. She just knew that she’d walked away from this whole experience a little too changed to call herself a Time Lord.

The interruption of the regeneration process must have changed her permanently. She had checked herself discreetly while sitting in Rarities, and she didn’t seem to have the distinctive four-fold heartbeat of a Time Lord anymore. The beat had sounded… well, it was silly, but it had sounded like a polka.

She was thankfully stopped from contemplating what that implied by Twilight's restatement.

“Alright then, what’s a Time Mare?”

“It’s like a Time Lord, but female, and equine.” The Hostess replied.

“What’s a Time Lord then?” Twilight asked, getting annoyed.

“It’s like a Time Mare, but male and humano- I mean, monkey-shaped. Do try and keep up.” She quipped back, giving a cheeky grin.

Twilights eyes narrowed. “Hostess-“

“Shut up, both of you” John interrupted “We’re almost at the farmhouse, and Applejack’s got enough to worry about without knowing about the Hostess.” He pointed to the Hostess “You’re going by Pinkie Pie as long as we’re here. No protests.”

As if on cue, Applejack trotted out of a grove of apple trees, pulling a cart laden with apples. “Well hey there Twi. Hey Pinkie. And is that John with ya? Shoot, I didn’t know y’all knew each other.”

John took a step towards her before speaking “Oh, well, Pinkie and I have been friends for years, but I actually just met Twilight today.”

Applejack looked confused. “And y’all just decided to hang out at my farm? Oh, Twi, Pinkie, I don’t suppose either o’ ya has seen Big Mac around?”

Twilight shook her head. ‘Pinkie’ just pouted. She didn’t like being given orders.

“Actually, that’s why we’re here. We just thought we’d take a look around for him.” John replied.

“Well he ain’t on the farm, I can tell ya that.” Applejack replied, her eyes narrowing.

“Right, right, I just meant… you know, look for clues.” He gave what he hoped was a convincing grin and hoped for some support from Twilight or the Hostess.

Just as he was sure Applejack had seen through his lie which wasn’t really a lie, he got some.

Twilight spoke up “Well, turns out both John and I are interested in forensics. You know, crime scenes and such. So we just thought we’d come down here and see if we could help.”

“And Pinkie’s interested in these ‘Frensiks’ too?” Applejack asked, sensing something was fishy.

“Oh, well, Pinkie Pie.” Twilight responded. That seemed to be the end of that sentence. What’s more, it seemed to mollify Applejack.

“Well, alright I suppose. He was just headin’ out to the barn when he vanished, so I’d start there. Not that I know anything about frensiks.” Applejack began dragging the apples back to the house. “I’ll see y’all later.”

“Bye Applejack!” John shouted after her.

Twilight trotted up next to John. “So… how exactly do you and Applejack know each other?”

He scowled at her. “We’re just friends.”

“What? I just asked how you met. I didn’t ask if you were anything other than friends.” She said in mock surprise. “Why would you assume that? Something on your mind?” A small grin flitted across her face.

John realized he’d been tricked and trotted off to the barn with an annoyed snort.

The Hostess, who’d been mulling the conversation over, spoke up “I’m beginning to get the feeling that Pinkie Pie was a little odd.”

“A little?” Twilight laughed “No. She wasn’t a little odd. She was completely odd. Honestly, her being a different species explains a lot.” She trotted after John.

The Hostess followed. She seemed to be following an awful lot lately, and she didn’t like it.

When Twilight came into the barn, John had his head stuck into a haystack. She walked up behind and nudged his side with one of her hooves. His head emerged from the pile, a bird’s nest of straw sitting on top.

John shook his head clean, spat out a few stray stalks, and announced “I have no idea what I’m looking for.”

“Well that’s why I’m here” the Hostess replied as she walked through the door.

“What are we looking for Hostess?” Twilight asked.

“No idea. But unlike you, I will know it when I see it.” The Hostess replied as she wormed her way between a heavy wooden platform and the wall it leaned against.

Twilight and John both slumped. They had come all the way out here, and now they didn’t even know what they were looking for.

“I know what we’re looking for now!” shouted the bright pink rump that was all that remained of the Hostess. “We are looking… for something… like…”

Twilight and John approached the voice, and then jumped back as the heavy platform fell to the ground with a large wham.

“THIS!” finished the Hostess, brandishing a white piece of cloth (presumably produced from one of her pockets) with green gunk spread on it.

“…What is it?” Twilight asked.

“This, my dear Miss Sparkle, is gunk.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Yes, I can see that. What is it precisely?”

“Ah, precisely. You should have said.” The Hostess tapped her muzzle with her other hoof. “It is precisely green.”

John let out a snort of laughter as Twilight growled. “Hostess…” she began, thread evident in her tone.

“Honestly, I don’t know. But it didn’t come from a pony, did it? Nothing you make that looks like this?”

Both ponies shook their heads.

“Then it must be from my pursuers. I shall examine it tonight. Now, I’m not entirely clear on the level of your technology. I don’t suppose you have a genome sequencer kicking around?”

Twilight's face wrinkled in confusion “What’s a genome sequencer?”

“Oh dear. Well, how about a gas spectrometer?”

“A gas what?” John asked.

“Electricity?”

“Oh! Yes we have that!” Twilight said, excited.

“Wonderful! That will be a great help!”

“I saw a demonstration of it in Canterlot… four years ago? It made a cats hair stand up on end.”

The Hostess hit herself on the forehead with a hoof. “So not available in Ponyville, then.”

“No.” John replied. Twilight looked disappointed that that wasn’t any help.

“Well it’s been a while since I had to improvise. I suppose it could be fun.” The Hostess said, without much conviction.

The sun was going down as they stepped out of the barn. It had been a long day, and Twilight yawned at the sight of the sunset. Halfway through, her jaw froze. “Oh no. Spike.”

“Spiked what?” The Hostess asked, already thinking about how she was going to make a genome sequencer out of common household ingredients.

“No! My dragon Spike! He doesn’t know where I am! Oh, he must be so worried!” She bolted off galloping at full speed. “Come get me when you’ve sequenced that or whatever!”

“Yes, yes” the Hostess mumbled absently. Her head snapped upwards. “Hold on, did she just say-“

“Dragon, yes. I’m sure you’ll see him tomorrow. C’mon, I’ll take you back to Sugarcube Corner.”

“What in the hell is Sugarcube-“ a sequence of images flashed in front of her eyes. Two middle aged ponies, hiring her. Baking for them, living in the attic. The building looked like a giant cupcake. “Oh it’s where I live. And work.”

John gave her a look.

“Pinkie’s memories. They’re still flashing.”

“Ah. You don’t need me to walk you home then?” asked John.

“No, I should be fine. I’ll come get you in the morning.”

“Alright. Bye… Sleep well.”

It was an awkward goodbye. Both of them kept thinking of the last time they said goodbye, all those years ago.

The Hostess walked through the town as it settled down for sleep. People closed their shutters, shops were closing, and there was an annoying voice between her ears.

Yes Pinkie, she thought inwards, what is it?

For the first time Pinkie spoke, not in a giggle or a flash of memory, but in words. It was a surprisingly bubbly happy voice. It reminded the Hostess uncomfortably of her childhood.

The store! Cupcake Corner! We were in charge, and we just left it open! The voice shouted, a note of fear tingeing it.

“…Oh dear.” The Hostess said, and then burst into a run.

Cutie Mark Crusader shop keepers was going…less than ideally. The division of labor had been easy. Applebloom had helped her sister sell apples, so she covered the cash register. Sweetie Bell had a pointy bit, so she was security. Scootaloo cooked, because… they had run out of jobs.

The door jingled as it opened, revealing a grey pegasus with golden, mismatched eyes. One eye looked at Applebloom, while the other watched the bell that had announced her entrance. “Hi Applebloom.” She said in her distinctive voice.

“Hey there…” Applebloom said, desperately trying to remember whether her name was Ditzy or Derpy. “…you” she finished lamely.

The pegasus didn’t seem to notice, and walked over to look at the muffin case. Or at least, half of her looked at the muffin case. The other half stared at a point halfway up a wall.

“Muffins…” she absently murmured. She leaned down and grabbed the largest one in her mouth, and then dropped it with a yelp. A sudden pain in her side had caused her to cry out.

Her head swung down, both eyes focusing on the unicorn filly next to her for a second. The effect was ruined when the left eye decided that the muffins were a much more interesting sight.

“You touch it, you buy it lady.” Sweetie Bell said, in a much deeper voice then her natural one. Her head was lowered, horn at the ready for another poke.

Applebloom was watching the confrontation when she heard Scootaloo’s voice from behind her. “Hey, Applebloom? Do we have any like… buckets? The kind you’d use to hold water?”

The yellow filly swung around on her chair to face the other filly. “Well I don’t think so. There might be some in the kitchen, I suppose.”

“But I was going to buy it!” the grey pegasus argued in the background.

“Oh. Yeah, but… visibility in the kitchen is kind of low…” Scootaloo looked behind her. Her rapidly flapping wings were all that was stopping the billowing smoke from escaping out the door. As she watched, the fire spread to the second stove. “You know what, it’s fine. I’ll take care of it.” She closed the door.

Applebloom’s eyes moved back to the front of the store, to find the pegasus standing in front of her with a slightly squished muffin. “Oh, uhh… you wanna buy that?”

The pegasus nodded.

“That’ll be… three hundred bits” she guessed. Evidently she guessed wrong, going off the pegasus’s face. “Ah mean, two. Two bits.”

The pegasus smiled at that, and produced two golden coins from under her wing.

A humongous crash arose from the kitchen. Scootaloo had decided that the best course of action was to use the icebox to put out the fire, but that hadn’t turned out so well. She had just succeeded in covering the floor in a slippery slush.

Applebloom turned back from the crash to take the pegasus’s money. As she took it (and counted it) she looked at Sweetie Bell and jerked her head towards the kitchen.

Sweetie Bell stared back blankly.

Applebloom jerked her head harder, nearly falling off the stool.

Sweetie Bell jerked her head in the same way, and then made a confused face.

“No! Go in!” Applebloom said, annoyed.

“In where?”

“The kitchen! Go check on Scootaloo!”

“Ohhh. Why didn’t you just say so?” Sweetie Bell asked as she headed to the kitchen.

Applebloom let her head fall to the desk in front of her with a large clunk. “Anything else for-” She started to ask the pegasus mare, but was cut off by a scream from Sweetie Bell.

“Oh, what is it now?” She asked the air as she walked through the kitchen door and into a warzone.

Both stoves were on fire, as was the tipped icebox and most of the counters. A slushy mess of ice and water coated the floor. The sink was somehow spouting fire itself.

On the bright side, the flames and ice covered up some of the mess, which was truly preposterous. Every surface was coated in, at minimum, a mixture of flour, eggs, and eggshells. Chocolate powder filled the half of the sink that wasn’t on fire. One of the counters was covered with what appeared to be rocks at first glance, but on closer inspection, were cookies.

The walls were painted a bizarre collage of purple, green, and yellow. The back door was open, revealing a cone shaped blast zone of black scorched stone that spread out from the opening. The source of the explosion was quite evidently the pantry, the walls of which had been completely blown out.

As Applebloom surveyed the carnage, the only thing she managed to say was “Now how did you get ice cream on the ceiling?”