The Coltbert Report

by ABagOVicodin

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Crossover, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Other, Original Character
Length: 25853

It's exactly what you think. But with plot.

Princess Celestia is losing control of her political power. The system is slowly crumbling due to the inverse relationship between harmony and "freedom". With the invitation of television sets, the internet, and instant coffee machines, "freedom" becomes the preferred theme of the Celestian empire as opposed to harmony.

With no other options (or perhaps due to a stroke of genius), Princess Celestia brings a self proclaimed expert on "freedom" to Equestria along with his entire family to create a new show with familiar roots: The Coltbert Report.

How will his family handle the new Equestrian life? Will Stephen Coltbert be able to return harmony to the land with his mixture of satire and wit? Only time and hundreds of episodes will tell.

Join Stephen Coltbert as he provides the conservative viewpoint on Equestria so that you don't have to.

Cover art by Stinkehund.

Featured on Equestria Daily: 1/16/2013

Published 2013-01-09 19:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-02-26 18:39:18 UTC

Prologue

“That's it for the show everyone, good night!”

Explosive cheering followed the exit of the political pundit as he walked through the prop door near his collection of accolades and continued to his office. Another night, another amazing show of political irony and comedy. Stephen Colbert let out a sigh of relief as he loosened a few buttons on his suit. His hands then moved over the numerous envelopes that bombarded his desk while he was taping his show. The Colbert Report was carefully organized, almost to a formulaic degree. While he did his show, all of his mail and possible interview letters were shuffled through by a few employees. Not a single letter was thrown away, merely organized by possible interest to Colbert with interviews always on the top of the stack. Unfortunately for him, the stack had disassembled into a big mess.

Chocolate eyes scanned over the numerous envelopes that now took over his usually clean desk. The rest of his patience kept him from shoveling the envelopes into his suitcase with his arm so that he could go home to his family. After all, he could always read the envelopes before he went to sleep. A certain amount of sloped envelopes caught his eye as he turned his attention to the right side of the desk. He picked up the envelopes that were hiding the item underneath, and was surprised to find a scroll. Tan paper rolled up and tied with a golden seal was sitting on the desk in front of him. Colbert let out a laugh. “What is this, the 1600s?” he asked as he picked up the scroll. He gave a small glance towards the digital clock on his desk and his eyes widened upon the realization that it was getting late. Even though he tapes his shows and sends them to Comedy Central beforehand, New York traffic was going to leave him waiting hours if he didn't leave soon.

Stephen quickly opened his suitcase and placed the scroll inside. He decided that he was going to read this one piece of mail for the night. After all, it was a Thursday, which meant that he had a three day vacation full of nothing but relaxation and bonding time with his family. What could be better than that when he just spent four days debunking the mysteries of a confusing government? The mind always needed a good break.

He walked out of his office and started his descent towards his car. His fast pace was sporadically interrupted by some of his staff members as they congratulated him on another well performed show. He always thanked them, but he knew better than to blow it out of proportion. His show was a collaborative effort between everyone involved and he wouldn't have it any other way. Sure, he was the one that acquired all of the publicity and fame, but he always made sure to thank his staff when he received awards or any kind of honor (when he wasn't in character of course).

He entered his car and closed the door behind him. His suitcase inhabited the passenger seat while he started the car and continued onto the road. His prediction had came true. Within a few lights, he had already plunged into bumper to bumper traffic. Despite the slight irritation that came with having to wait an hour until he got home, he realized that this would be a good time to read the scroll in his suitcase. While his eyes remained on the road, his right hand rummaged through the suitcase. Due to a now inconvenient amount of clasps and papers, the scroll took a few minutes to find. When he finally felt the rough texture of the paper through his fingertips, he pulled the scroll into his lap. The rest of the suitcase could wait for the time being. His curiosity was getting the better of him.

When he first put his hands on the scroll, he half assumed that it was a prank. Joke shops were prevalent in the United States. However, the seal on the middle of the scroll looked too legitimate to be fake. A golden sticker with a large “C” was imprinted on the middle. Joke shops usually didn't put that much effort into the seal. With the dextrous movement of his fingers, he slit the sticker in half and positioned the scroll against his radio. His fingers kept the scroll straight while his eyes darted between the street and the scroll.

“Reality leaves a lot to the imagination. I believe one of your subjects said this. I am not completely sure how to word this letter to you, Mr. Colbert, because I am afraid that it will simply be thrown away with the trash if I am completely honest. My name is Princess Celestia. I am sure that you already know the meaning behind my name and are questioning it.”

Stephen stopped reading for a moment and continued along the street at his one mile an hour speed. This letter was making him smile. That was indeed the case, he was questioning this letter. However, because of his questions, he only grew more curious. He continued to read.

“I am a co-ruler of a land beyond the realms of most imaginations. It is not located on your plane of existence. You could say that it is merely fiction, but if that was the case, I could bring you here and prove such a definition wrong. For the time being, let's just call it that: fiction. I do not wish to waste any more of your time without stating my intentions: I need you. My nation is slowly slipping through my hooves-”

Colbert paused once more. Hooves? Being the analytical person that he was, this word immediately jumped out at him. Unless this Princess Celestia was wearing some kind of horse paraphernalia, he was talking to an anthropomorphic creature. Either that, or someone was trying to play a joke on him. It was too late to put the scroll down now, he was way too interested. Hook, line, and sinker.

“The political discourse that comes with the technological advancements of society has caught up to me and I am no longer able to merely quell the questions of harmony with my words. I wish I could say more, but I do not wish to give out any more information to someone that might not care. I offer this proposition: please allow me to elaborate further to you in a lunch meeting at the time of your choosing. I would wish to do it now, but I understand that you have obligations that you probably have to address. I will be honest with you, if you agree to this lunch, most of what you consider to be a reality will be slightly different from where I live. I will be honest and frank throughout our whole meeting. I know you are busy and do not wish to have any of your time wasted. If you read this letter completely, then I thank you for giving me your patience. There is a line near the bottom of the scroll. Simply sign your name and the date of our lunch (within the next week) and the scroll will disappear.”

Stephen rolled the scroll back up with one hand and turned his eyes back to the road. An alerting car horn from behind told him that he was probably going slower than the usual patience of a New York rush hour traffic victim. He smiled and continued the drive home while his mind tried to wrap around the information that was just given to him. Out of all the letters that he received, this one gave him the most questions. Was the scroll telling the truth? Would a prank be worded so elaborately? He remembered the numerous memes with a sophisticated gentleman explaining things in a more elaborate manner and chuckled slightly before his mind was brought back to the scroll. It did have an explanation on how to get rid of it. Perhaps if he tried it out... his questions could be answered. Stephen's eyes widened as he swerved away from a merging car, braking slightly to avoid crashing his new model into the other. “Whoa,” he said, “gotta pay attention, Colbert.”

~

The opening of his door created a Pavlovian reaction among his children. Although Stephen had a strong center of gravity and weighed an average amount for his age, the force at which his children tackled him nearly pushed him over every time. One would think that he would grasp the door frame for extra balance to avoid his fall, but Colbert considered it a tradition. If his legs and ribs weren't hurting from two sudden tackles, something was wrong.

“Daddy, I missed you!” a brunette haired boy responded as he looked into his father's eyes.

“I missed you too John.” Stephen responded as he dropped his suitcase so that he had a hand free to tussle the hair of his children.

Another older brunette with his father's eyes smiled and looked towards the kitchen. “Mom has been preparing dinner for the last hour. John and I have been helping,” he said.

Stephen nodded his head as he took a few steps into the house. He closed the door behind him and paused when he saw a particular one of his children in the hallway. The lack of a cell phone in her hand could perpetuate the vision that the child was sincere and wanted to see her father when he came home. Unfortunately, that was not the case since his wife held the phone in her pocket due to a previous incident that involved sneaking into the house at two in the morning. Stephen knew that without her phone, Madeline would endure waterboarding to get it back. That was the point.

“Hello Madeline.” Stephen said in a warm tone to avoid an awkward confrontation. His other two children looked towards the sixteen year old. Apparently the grudge was still in effect, since Madeline didn't say anything. She walked back to her room and Colbert sighed.

An awkward silence rang out among the three males in the house. It was finally broken by a television in the living room as audience laughter met Stephen's ears. He couldn't have moved quicker. His children let go of Stephen's legs and he moved to the living room. There he was, providing a story on SuperPACs with irony and sarcasm completely in mind. Stephen changed the channel to a random number on the remote which showed colorful ponies and their new adventures. A smile moved across Stephen's face as he remembered his brony shout-outs. He looked towards a doorway to the kitchen and he followed through it. John sat down on the couch and started to watch while Peter walked out of the living room to attend to his own hobbies.

Bubbling pots frequently threatened to spill their contents onto the stove and the woman in front of them. Due to the years of experience she acquired from a husband that was unable to cook, all of the liquids, sauces, and noodles were expertly tamed into their respective places. Evelyn Colbert looked up from her cookware as her husband walked into the kitchen and she smiled as the two shared a hug and a kiss. “Hey, how are you doing?” she asked while her right hand poked and prodded at some shrimp that was boiling.

Stephen walked over to one of the counters and leaned against it before he shrugged, an impassive expression on his face. “Madeline is still mad at me, or us, if you want to put it that way,” he said.

Evelyn chuckled. “Well I would be pretty angry too if I got the newest iPhone and then immediately got it taken away,” she responded. “How was work? You know that I only married you for the extra details that come with your show.”

Now it was Stephen's turn to chuckle. “Well, I brought my lawyer back to the show in order to explain what to do with 1.4 million dollars,” he said. “As it turns out, I can do anything!”

Evelyn's eyes widened at the amount of money that Stephen was allowed to raise. “How the hell did you raise all of that money?”

Colbert sighed and shook his head. “Because politics is stupid. Let's not talk about it right now Honey, I just did for eight hours,” he responded. A smile moved back on his face and he walked over to give his wife a hug. The scroll was brought back to the front of his mind and he struggled to formulate a segue into the topic of a letter from another dimension.

Perhaps the difficulty was written on his face, since Evelyn looked up into his eyes and released the hug. “Something bothering you?” she asked.

Colbert moved back to the counter and took off his glasses to clean them with his suit while he tried to think of a way to word his troubles. “Ever have one of those days where the entire universe seems to be merely fictitious to you?”

Such a big question confused his wife. Evelyn raised an eyebrow. “Did you interview another theoretical physicist again?”

“No, that's the point. Something other than science questioned my opinion on the world, and it came from a letter of all places, a letter that looks like it dated back to the 1600s,” Stephen said. “Someone wants me to attend a lunch with them. I haven't been told where, but I'd imagine they would send me a letter back when I gave them the date.”

“Maybe you should go tomorrow?” Evelyn asked. “I mean, if you can. Snail mail usually gets delivered overnight in this state, since there are so many people. I would like to spend time with you as a family, but we do have three days. If one of the days need to be sacrificed just so that you could have peace of mind, I would prefer if you went on this lunch.”

Colbert let out a sigh of relief at the flexibility of his wife. “Thank you Evelyn,” he said as he moved in for another hug and kiss, which was gratefully accepted.

After Stephen left the room, Evelyn let out a sigh as she turned her attention to the food. “He never told me who the lunch was with. He usually does.”

~

The unraveled scroll once again met Stephen Colbert's eyes. He sat down in his office with the top and bottom of the scroll held open by a few pens. As he looked over the last paragraph once more, he remembered the stipulations that came with getting rid of this letter. Date and time. He grabbed another pen and signed his name on the provided line along with “tomorrow” as the date. The scroll immediately rolled back up and evaporated before his very eyes, as if it was slowly burning in a fire until it was nothing but ashes. Stephen took off his glasses, rubbed them once more, then put them back on. He then pinched himself. The scroll was still gone. Colbert let out a small laugh as he walked out of his office and towards his bedroom. “Great, now I know I won't sleep.”

~

The process was slow and arduous for the Princess as her horn glowed with a radiance that many had not seen for years. The Princess remained completely alone in her throne room as her eyes squinted shut from the exertion. Her forehooves pushed against the floor as she focused on the one being that she needed. The light slowly moved down from her horn to her head as the spell channel continued. Within minutes, her whole body was surrounded in the golden light. Her fur started to feel matted with sweat while her blocked vision was replaced with the vision of the human Stephen Colbert. He was inside of his bed, sleeping with his wife next to him. Despite Celestia's posture, magical abilities, and concentration, she felt that it wasn't enough. "Against the power of Discord... there can be no victory," Celestia told herself. As if those words were a pass code to her powers, the throne room was illuminated with magical power.

Stephen slowly disintegrated from his bed. The memory foam mattress slowly retracted back to its original shape as the weight was lifted from his pillow and continued downward. Hours passed until Luna's turn to patrol the night had come, but Celestia remained immobile in her room. As the fifth hour finally showed on the nearby Celestian clock, a gray stallion appeared in front of the Princess with a blinding flash. Celestia opened her eyes and massaged her temples with her hooves. A large migraine was attacking her, she had to retire soon.

Her eyes scanned the stallion. His black mane was short and simple, much like the human counterpart that was seen on her television. A pair of glasses rested on his muzzle while his eyelids kept the gray irises hidden. She looked to his tail, which probably remained to be one of the most ostentatious combination of colors that she had seen. Despite her own billowing mane, his red, white, and blue colors "popped out" more than hers. The large multicolored C on his flank completed the look of the pundit. With a sigh of relief, Celestia wobbled over to the stallion and balanced herself. With one more spell, Coltbert was teleported into one of the castle's guest bedrooms. She let out a sigh of relief as the deed of the day was finally done. She opened her mouth to speak, but the spell caught up to her. Celestia's vision was replaced with black as she collapsed on the throne room floor.

~

Equestrian chirping birds were the first thing to bring the pundit out of his slumber. Colbert's eyes slowly opened and he stretched for a moment. His eyes widened as he realized that the all too familiar feeling of fingers being wiggled was not applying to his senses. He raised one of his forelegs into his field of vision. “What the...” Colbert kicked off the blankets with his hind legs and was about ready to get off of the bed when he realized his nose was bigger than usual. His forelegs moved up to touch his nose where a dirty pair of glasses were aligned at the bridge of his muzzle. The sweat from his dream probably collected and solidified on his glasses. “You have got to be kidding me.”

The entire room was covered in bright colors of purple, gold, and white. While purple was not so much a color complement as the other two, the accentuation on each color would make any fashion designer from America green with envy, which according to a recent guest, was last year's color. His room held an elegant royal bed, a gold engraved dresser, a closet that held numerous tuxedos, a vanity, and an end table with a television hooked up to it. The television screen only matched the size of Colbert's computer screen at home, which was barely more than twenty-one inches. It was the perfect hotel room, by Equestrian standards.

Despite Colbert's current predicament, he was not freaking out as much as one would expect. Sure, his body was completely changed in this new world, but being the sci-fi fan that he was, it felt more like an extension of reality through the use of imagination. Colbert chuckled as he realized the opening quote in Celestia's letter was now perfectly applicable to this situation. His head turned to the door as the outsider knocked once more. He completely forgot about the outsider until now. He looked down his body and found that he was completely naked. He grabbed the blankets from the bed and tied them around himself before he answered the door. He was struck dumb with the sight.

Princess Celestia smiled as she saw the subject that she had been waiting for. She raised a hoof and extended it in the other stallion's direction. “It is very nice to meet you, Stephen Coltbert,” the Princess said.

Colbert blinked as the bigger hoof stopped a foot from his face. He extended his right foreleg and grasped Celestia's hoof. He stumbled slightly and Princess Celestia's sleight of hoof helped the stallion stay vertical. “The feeling is mutual. You weren't joking,” Colbert replied as he broke his gaze with the princess to stare outside. The morning sky was certainly more beautiful than the plethora of carbon emissions that came from the New Jersey population and their cars. His eyes turned back to the Princess as he mentally noted that the environment on this new dimension was way more beautiful than America. Perhaps it was because the citizens were morally different from Americans and held different standards for the environment. Or perhaps this world simply didn't have the tools to dirty the environment in catastrophic ways yet. Colbert hoped for the former. “My apologies for saying so, but the name is Colbert, not Coltbert,” he added.

“I know,” Celestia responded. Her eyes seemed to droop for a few moments before she turned her back to Colbert and stepped down one stair. “It is noon. Do I need to give you a few moments to get ready for lunch?”

Colbert had way more questions than his current status on the lunch. Was he plucked out of bed by Celestia herself? Was there some sort of Star Trek style teleportation that got him to this city? Perhaps it was impatience or ambivalence, either way, he didn't care about dressing up. “No, I'm fine Princess,” he responded as he stepped down one of the stairs. He stepped down another and avoided any sort of stumble. For suddenly being a quadruped, he was getting used to walking fairly quickly. His eyes met her horn as the Princess descended the stairs. He followed while he tried to word his question. “How did you get me here?” he asked.

“The intricacies of dimension teleportation would bore you, but let's just say that it took a lot of magic to get you here,” Celestia replied. “I am probably going to sleep early today, since I still have to teleport you back to Earth when this lunch is done.”

Stephen listened to the Princess, but his mind was very intrigued with the view provided to him by this city. The Canterlot castle was a brilliant complement of colors with a framework that reminded him of Minas Tirith. Was this a world shaped by Lord of the Rings or previous works of Earth? He could name a few things already that were fiction on Earth, but fact in Equestria. The numerous guards stationed near the entrances and exits of each room to the castle interested him. If this pony next to him was capable of dimensional teleportation, then what other creatures were dangerous enough to warrant guards? He was broken from his thoughts when he realized that he needed to ask another question. “If I knew that I was going to be teleported here while I slept, I would have at least put more clothes on,” Stephen said with a chuckle, “I feel like I’m kidnapped by a crazy fan.”

Princess Celestia smiled, “I plead the fifth, and if that doesn’t work, I can always plead insanity.”

Colbert smiled at Celestia’s response. One question was still bugging him. “Why didn't you just bring me here without transforming me? Surely seems like an inconvenience to the person that you want to be on your side.”

“Because a human in Equestria is a stupid idea,” Celestia replied with an airy chuckle that warmed Colbert's insides. It felt ethereal, like an angel was laughing. “And I do not want you to be on my side. I want you to be what you are good at: sincere.”

~

Colbert was off the radar for fifteen minutes. The two of them walked in silence towards the restaurant. He took this time to look over Princess Celestia and notice the differences between her and the brief glimpse at the mirror that Colbert gave himself. He was void of the horn and wings that Princess Celestia carried. Did Celestia intend this, or was he intended to be this way? As the two of them walked through a moderately crowded street of ponies, he noticed the path that was immediately made for the princess and him. Everypony moved onto the edges of the path and bowed as Celestia and Colbert continued to their destination. Colbert moved to Celestia's side, interest displayed in his voice as he asked, “Do the citizens always do this for you?”

Celestia smiled and nodded her head. “I usually fly when I need to be somewhere. Since I couldn't hold you on my back, and I couldn't teleport us both to the restaurant, I decided to walk with you. Bowing isn't new for them, but I don’t get angry if they don’t bow.”

Colbert nodded his head once more in agreement as he realized the scope of this leader's power. He thought about the various pundits throughout America that would compare this leader to other heinous monarchs of the past. He had no intention to do such a thing, but he remained skeptical. After all, that bowing could be done by fear, and the intentions behind this lunch could be different than what he thought they were.

Princess Celestia's horn glowed and the door to the restaurant opened. She moved to the side and motioned with her hoof for Colbert to enter. Colbert followed and looked left and right before he walked inside. He saw a flash through his peripheral vision and sighed. Just when he thought he could go out to dinner without the flash of cameras, he was proven wrong. Although he wasn't famous in this world, his first appearance in Equestria with the Princess surely had something to do with his image.

The restaurant was lavishly decorated with a mixture of lavender and green. Considering it was the winter time, Hearth's Warming Eve was right around the corner and the restaurant decided to revel in that holiday cheer. The restaurant seemed to become more quiet as Colbert and Celestia entered the establishment. Every inhabitant looked towards Colbert. While the pundit was capable of enduring long crowds staring at him, this different world made him wonder if staring gave off the same vibe as his country. The Princess walked over to a booth in the corner of the restaurant and pushed the table out a small amount since her bigger body was unable to endure the small space of a regular pony couple. Colbert followed and sat down in the booth with his forelegs on the table. His position left him staring at the princess across from him. He wanted to break the ice with a joke, but his mind was completely dry on pony humor. As if on cue, a waiter had appeared and gave the two of them a pitcher of water, two glasses, and filled up the glasses for his customers. “Can I get you anything else to drink?” the waiter asked.

Colbert shook his head while the Princess smiled and denied anything else. The waiter smiled and bowed slightly. “Go ahead and let me know when you are ready to order. I’ll be close by. Enjoy,” he said. The waiter walked away from the table and Colbert turned back to the Princess.

Princess Celestia levitated the drink to her lips and drained the entire glass. She then placed it on the table and spoke while the pitcher was put to work with a refill. “I must first thank you for agreeing to come to lunch despite the short notice.”

“It’s not every day that I get to feel inferior to others, Ms. Combination of Unicorn and Pegasus. I bet you are a good steed to ride into battle,” Colbert replied with a laugh as he tried to pick up his glass with both of his forehooves. He was having difficulty raising the glass and was too nervous on his grasping capabilities to bring it to his mouth. It merely remained there while his hooves tried numerous methods to grasp and hold.

Princess Celestia smiled at his response and continued. “A man has never rode me, and I guess that’s a good thing. Some say that I’m very... hard to tame. My apologies for my impatience, but I must get to the point. I brought you here because, as I said, I need your help.”

“Your letter certainly made that clear,” Colbert replied. He realized that he probably sounded a little annoyed and should tone down on it. His hooves continued to work.

Celestia continued as if she didn't notice it. “I can not tell you how I am capable of seeing Earth and you, my mother explicitly told me not to tell anyone. The point is that you are a talented individual. I have watched every episode of your show, from its debut to now. I have seen the other events that you have attended, both on and off camera. It took me years to get through all of the footage, but back then I was watching it for entertainment. Now, I watch it to judge not only your culture, but my own.”

“I am flattered. But this doesn’t help your ‘I’m not a stalker’ argument,” Stephen responded and he smiled as he finally managed to bring the glass to his lips. The glass was drained instantly. He needed to get to a gym.

Celestia refilled his glass before continuing with the same smile on her face. “Equestria has become more political than anything I expected under my rule. Technology has been improving to the point where we now have electricity, television, and even our own radio stations and television channels. As you can imagine... when television channels are hiring others to spout their political ideas, bad things tend to happen.”

Colbert raised an eyebrow for a moment before relaxing it and nodding his head. “Interesting choice of words. 'Bad things' indeed,” Colbert replied.

“I'm sorry for the bias. By bad things... I mean thought processes that are detrimental to my empire's ideology. If others are not focused on harmony and are instead focused on elitism and money making... I fear that Discord will rise again.” Celestia understood that Colbert probably didn't know who Discord was. With her phrasing, he would probably assume the noun instead of the villain that she feared.

Colbert indeed thought this, but his curiosity over Celestia's ideology was gaining most of his focus. “Tell me what you believe in, I'm curious,” he said, a smile on his face as he drank some of his water.

Princess Celestia sighed. “It's an ideology of tradition, but that does not mean that it is not prone to change. Friendship and harmony remain to be my core beliefs. When every member of society has the correct balance of Honesty, Laughter, Kindness, Loyalty, and Generosity, a magic surrounds each citizen. The society moves forward as a result. When the opposite is preferred to harmony, citizens become miserable. I've seen this happen in front of me, and my sister and I do not wish for history to repeat itself.”

Colbert placed one hoof underneath his chin. “Please... tell me what you wish for me to do. I am not putting any ideas on the table. I merely wish to know your plans.”

Celestia placed her glass on the table. “To be as general as possible, I want to have your show in Equestria.”

Stephen’s smile turned into more of a curious grin. He had a feeling that this is what she wanted. Considering the numerous stipulations that came with his show, he thought that a smart leader such as herself would be able to realize that this was way more of a loss for Colbert than it was for Celestia. “I'm sorry, but I cannot do that,” he responded with a tone that reflected his ability to immediately turn a conversation into business.

The princess sighed and nodded her head. “I completely understand. You have dozens of writers and another few dozen staff members that are all involved in the production of your show. I can not stress how desperate I am to have your show in Equestria. I can pay you as many bits as I can afford to fund your show. I can find the best writers in Equestria to work for you. I can-”

“That's not the point,” Colbert replied as he crossed his forelegs on the table. He was very uncomfortable with the direction that this conversation was leaning. “While I will not say that my show relies on me, the numerous writers and crew members that I pay will be out of a job if I move my show. Them being laid off will not allow me to sleep at night. Not to mention the fact that I am not so happy with being a pony, my family is back on Earth worrying about me, and I'm sure you would know by now that money is not something that can change my mind. I also can not have you turn any of my writers and crew into ponies. This would affect them, their families, and so on. Sure, I kept my head when I realized that I turned into a pony, but that’s because I’m a Tolkien nerd that has wet dreams about these kinds of places. I'm sure that others would not be so calm. I'm sorry Princess Celestia, but I just don't see how this could work.”

Celestia nodded her head and looked out the window, towards the numerous ponies that were going about their day or lining up near the restaurant to try and get a glimpse of her and Colbert's conversation. It was a good thing the window glass was tinted, or else ponies would be pressed up against the glass as they tried to read her lips. Her smile was now gone, replaced with a grim expression that could not be faked. While thousands of years of life were capable of teaching her to meld her emotions, thoughts of the future undid all of that training. “Again, I understand. I would offer to help write your shows, but I am no comedy writer, you would sound like a soap box is underneath you whenever you read off the teleprompter. I have one final offer that I can give you, and trust me when I say I am losing more than you think with this offer.”

“I have no reason to trust you, but I will,” Colbert responded as he cut back on the business tone. She looked to be grasping at straws, and the last thing that he wanted to do was deny her last straw with the same impassive voice as a boring politician. He was better than that, somehow.

“I will train myself more in the arts of dimensional teleportation. I didn’t study much of it, which is probably why you needed an extra 5 hours of sleep to rest through the changes that your body had to endure. With this, I will be using extra magic and will be more tired on the day that I teleport you, but if it is to save my empire, I couldn't care less about my body. With this extra training, you will be teleported within fifteen minutes both ways, which will give you a lot more time for your family. I will give you access to the Royal Canterlot Library, which has a copy of every single book, history or otherwise. I will talk to Princess Cadance about giving you access to the Crystal Empire's library. You will probably get it overnight. You can merely send me a letter and I will give you a list of books, descriptions of the books, and access to the Equestrian Internet for research. I will scout for the best writer talent that Equestria can give and make sure that they are unbiased in politics. After all, that was how you got into your show, wasn't it?”

Colbert smiled and took a drink while Celestia continued. “I will fund your show with bits out of my own pocket. I will make sure that it finds itself onto the most viewed time slot in Equestria. All that I ask is for one episode. If you want to continue after the first episode, I would love if you did. But I can't lead a pony to water and make them drink.”

Colbert was impressed with the sacrifices that Celestia was willing to give. Was it all worth it? After all, Colbert's humor could be lost to the Equestrian crowd. He knew nothing about this world, their pop culture, or their history. This kind of dedication once again made him worried, but still curious. “I have just one question, why me? Do you honestly believe that my humor is going to change the minds of hundreds, possibly thousands of political ponies? Why not just tell them what you think?”

“I don't trust my words. Despite the fact that I believe everything that I say, my empire's lack of trust for me is causing me to doubt myself. My mother told me something that I still hold true to my heart: a lesson told is a lesson forgotten. No one will want to hear words coming out of a ruler who is supposedly lying to her subjects. If the ponies who oppose harmony are capable of seeing their errors through the eyes of one of their own, then they can learn their lesson.”

Stephen took another drink of water. “I will create one episode and will write it myself on a few conditions.”

“Please name them. I doubt I will deny them.”

“Trust me with the hiring. Send me everything, whether it is resumes or books to my desk at my Earth home. You will not censor me and will trust my judgment when it comes to anything that should be censored. I also want a budget. I have a strict budget for my show, all of my employees, and myself back on Earth. I want one if I were to continue with the show after this first episode. Last, but not least, if I focus on you, I can not be silenced or interrupted in any way. If you mess up in your political duties, I will point it out.”

Princess Celestia paused as she went over the stipulations in her head. “That is a lot of conditions, but nothing I can object to,” she said and then smiled. “One condition, the show has to be named 'The Coltbert Report'.”

“Why does it need to have a horse name in it?”

“Copyright laws. I don't want to be sued by Earth,” Celestia replied with a smile.

Colbert chuckled and looked at the restaurant menu for the first time since they entered the booth. “So... when does the first episode air?”

“Whenever you want it to, Stephen Coltbert.”

Author's Note

Actual episode is next chapter. May the games begin.

Episode 1: Clean Spring

An eagle screech alerted the audience that the show they came to see was finally starting. The camera focused in on Stephen Coltbert. “Tonight!” Stephen said as he pointed his hoof at the camera, “is Princess Celestia abusing her powers? I would tell you, but her guards are right off screen. Then, is Ponyville getting ready for war? I would say yes, if they had enough ponies for one. Plus, I sit down with environmentalist Clean Spring, who says that Cloudsdale's rainbows are dirtier than ever. In related news, cloud porn sales are at an all time high. Today is the anniversary of Nightmare Moon's banishment. I guess you could say her appearances are once in a blue moon. This is The Coltbert Report.”

The camera transitioned to a beautifully rendered cinematic of Stephen Coltbert running through numerous flags of previous invaders on a background of red, white, and blue. The theme song for the Colbert Report started to play as the cinematic continued. The invader flags disintegrated as Coltbert passed through them. Within a few feet of the last flag, Stephen grabbed an erect Equestrian flag out of the ground and jumped off camera.

The view changed to Coltbert falling through the same environment before he turned to stare at the camera with a serious face. The flag collided with the ground and sent out a shock wave in the form of the Equestrian flag sigil as Coltbert straightened his posture and smirked. The title emblem for The Coltbert Report flashed over the screen before another eagle screech transitioned the cut between the cinematic and the camera that focuses on Stephen, otherwise known as “Camera A”.

Stephen raised his hoof and smiled as he waved at numerous crowd members who were dispersed through the back wall. At least a hundred ponies were sitting in the stands and they cheered for a good minute. They chanted Stephen's name for another fifteen seconds as he smiled and stood up from his chair. He pantomimed a vacuum's movements as if he was sucking in the excitement of the crowd. “Oh yes,” Stephen said as he sat back in his chair. “Oh yes. Thank you. Sit down, sit down, we got a show to do here. I tell you folks, your excitement is so delicious, I feel like asking Gustave Le Grand to make a dessert out of it.”

“Now folks, you know that I have never been a fan of Princess Celestia. She has governed for more than a thousand years, which means she is probably going to be up for reelection sometime soon. Now, she arose controversy within a certain minority of ponies in Canterlot for the strings that she pulled for Rarity, a fashion designer in Ponyville. Apparently, Rarity was allowed to stay in the Canterlot Castle, free of charge, because she was friends with Twilight Sparkle, who is Celestia's student. She caught fire from the right from the National Canterlot Freedom Club and it's president. NCFC founder and switched stork baby Questionable Actions had these words to say.”

The view switched to a video clip of a tan earth pony who was being interviewed by a local news crew. A brown building took up the background with the NCFC letters stamped above the entrance to the building. Questionable Actions had a very impassive expression and tone on his face, despite the fact that they were apparently supposed to be angered by Princess Celestia's actions. He stared at the news reporter as he spoke in a stereotypical Canterlot accent. Unfortunately, the accent couldn't eliminate the boring drawl of his voice. “We believe... uh... that Princess Celestia should not be giving out her castle to merely anypony. There are thousands of years of tradition inside of that castle. Uh... Celebrities have worked their flank to the bone in order to get into the castle, while others, such as Rarity, were able to go in simply because she had connections. We believe that... uh... You have to work in order to be given such an honor.”

The video ended and the camera transitioned to Stephen, who had fallen asleep at his desk. The crowd laughed as the pundit's eyes opened and he straightened in his chair and shook out the fake tiredness. “Oh, what? It's over? You know what? Q.A is completely right,” Stephen said as he pointed his pen at the camera. “For too long, Celestia has been abusing her power by allowing someone to stay in the sixty-five room castle with twin spires, 24 hour security, a royal pool, garden, and around the clock chefs. How dare you, Princess Hand Out!”

During Stephen's entire monologue, the camera view shifted to an article on Fillyfact.com where the words, “sixty-five room castle with twin spires, 24 hour security, a royal pool, garden, and around the clock chefs” were underlined and magnified. Stephen placed his pen back on the desk as he shifted left in his chair. The third camera, Camera C, followed him and the view switched. “Princess Celestia has surely crossed the line this time, and it brings us to the subject of tonight's Word.”

The crowd cheered as the transition for The Word appeared on the right side of the screen while Coltbert remained on the left side. He adjusted his glasses and shifted his papers as “The Word” appeared on the blue background at the same time that Coltbert said it, “Elite Sharing. Folks, I'm not really a fan of sharing. When my foals ask if they would like some more hay bacon with their meal, I tell them to buck off and get a job. Q.A is angry because when you have a large amount of leisure items at your disposal, the person who uses them obviously has to prove themselves in order to do so. Case in point, which is Canterlot for 'I'm right', Q.A's son. His son was enrolled in the Canterlot Royal Guard after a month even though,”

The camera view changed and magnified another article, this time from Cantercolt.com. Stephen continued as if he was reading off of the paper, “he was incapable of passing the Royal Guard physical tests, failed the written test twice, and punched Captain Shining Armor in the face when the two of them argued over the physical requirements.”

The view switched back to Stephen as he smiled slightly. “You know, the mature way to end an argument.”

The Word responded with, “Best way to end an argument with Grandma.”

Stephen continued, “Now, Reasonable Response, Q.A's son, has been on the Canterlot Guard for over a year now, and it should be so. After all, he proved himself by showing how elite he was, by doing absolutely nothing.”

The Word responded with, “AKA, the Filthy Rich way.”

“A month before Reasonable Response applied to the Canterlot Guard, the treasurer for the Guard received an anonymous donation of fifty thousand bits. So it makes perfect sense that Q.A would be angry that a seamstress from Ponyville who acquired her popularity from hard work was allowed into the castle. She didn't get in because of the hard work that Q.A was used to, she got in because of her own version of hard work, which is obviously wrong. Hundreds of hours being wasted just to make one dress is a waste of time. I mean, I can buy a simple dress from anywhere. I don't need all the bells and whistles.”

“Coltbert's proposal: At Big McinDonalds, with an onion ring.”

“Now I hope that this is just a one time thing. Princess Celestia has been known to give out many things such as forgiveness, love, and advice. Which I'm assuming from Q.A's actions, should be paid for. When are the lower class going to understand that they are living off of us rich ponies? If they want to use our things, they need to show that they are able to do it."

“By not being poor.”

“If Princess Celestia allows lower and middle class ponies to experience what us rich ponies have,”

“A stress-free life.”

“Then they might find out that there is something wrong. After all, if the only thing you need in Canterlot is money, who needs ethics? And that's The Word. We will be right back.”

~

“Welcome back everypony, thank you so much!” Coltbert said among the massive cheering that followed the continuation of his program. “Folks, Applejack may be the Element of Honesty, but I'm the Element of Judgment. This is Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Hoof.”

The crowd cheered as the visual transition followed Coltbert's words. “Nation, you know I am as big a fan as anyone else when it comes to equipping our children. Frankly, if they can't tie each other into balloon animals, then what is the point? Recently, the Ponyville Defense Force, or Peh Duh Fff-”

Coltbert was cut off by a random audience member who burst out laughing from the simple enunciation. He raised an eyebrow and chuckled slightly. “Easy to please crowd. Anyway... the Peh Duh Fff have recently been circulating a petition to propose that the local school children invest in more self defense. An attached bill signed by the leader of the PDF proposed that funding for schools be cut by 10%, so that it could be pumped back into a new program that the PDF will run.” Colbert continued while the camera shifted to a news article that approbated his statement. “The program would consist of teaching unicorn children more aggressive spells, teaching pegasi how to fight with their wings, and teaching earth ponies hoof-fu. The PDF states that because of numerous attacks on Ponyville, everypony should be equipped and ready when another attack happens. The PDF specifically said that this includes children.”

Coltbert smiled and pantomimed with his speech. “Because of this, I give a tip of my hat to the PDF. Taking money out of children's education and using it to teach them aggression is as Republicolt as it comes. After all, who needs the Elements of Harmony, when I got Elements right here.” He said. Colbert stood up from his chair and flexed his forelegs, showing off the small amount of muscle that he accumulated from exercise back on Earth. The crowd cheered as he flexed for a few more seconds before he sat back down. “Next folks, we come back to the megalomaniac princess that we all know and hate. Can I get a 'boo' for the Princess?”

The crowd responded by booing for a few moments until someone in the back motioned for the crowd to stop. Stephen pointed his pen towards the camera as he looked slightly more invigorated now. He lowered the pen as he started to talk. “Thank you. Now, everypony knows that her actions are about as predictable as a Haylor Swift relationship without the annoying single on the radio the next day. Consistent Opinion caught the Princess yet again in another brilliant display of her lack of power. Jim?”

Coltbert pointed at the camera with his pen and the view shifted to another video. It was a video of popular pundit Consistent Opinion as he spoke with a pompous demeanor, as if his story was going to blow the lid off of Equestrian politics. The time stamp on the video showed that it was old, but still relevant. “Princess Celestia has once again refused to offer aid to Ponyville when it was attacked by Discord. The Princess was unable to be found while the leader of chaos was turning Ponyville into his own playground. Houses were upside down, the roads were turned into soap, and the time schedule was rendered completely useless.”

The video then switched to Consistent talking to one of his guests, who had decided to take the lead. “Princess Celestia is the worst leader that we have ever had!” He yelled as he slammed one of his hooves on Opinion's desk. “She hasn't done anything in 1000 years! What happened to the good old days?”

The video then cut out and Coltbert outstretched his forelegs in agreement. “Of course, the good old days, when none of us were alive. I remember looking back on those days when I was still a wiggling thought in my grandfather's grandfather's grandfather's grandfather's grandfather's ball sack. So I'm going to give a wag of my hoof to Princess Celestia. Forget the fact that she has strengthened relationships with the countries overseas, exponentially added jobs to the Canterlot private sector, and armed six ponies with the capability to eliminate any danger that goes before them. Remember this tip Princess, in the eyes of us Republicolts, if you do anything, you did it wrong, and if you do nothing, you did it wrong. We will be right back.”

~

Cheering continued as another commercial ended for The Report. Coltbert outstretched his hooves as he surveyed his audience. “Thank you everypony! My guest tonight is a renowned cloud researcher with a Ph.D in meteorology. I'll make sure to ask about her pet rock collection. Please welcome, Clean Spring!”

Coltbert trotted off of his desk and over to the interview desk while his theme music played. The crowd cheered for him and Coltbert moved onto his hind legs to give a bow before he moved back to all fours. He was about to sit down, but decided against it. He ran through the crowd and high hoofed anyone who kept their hoof up. He finally moved back to the interview table and tried to catch his breath. Clean Spring, a light yellow Pegasus pony with blue eyes, found his antics humorous. She chuckled a few times while Coltbert pleased his crowd.

Coltbert smiled as he sat down. “Gotta give the crowd what they want. You know what I mean?” he asked.

Clean Spring nodded her head and smiled. “I know what you mean, exactly,” she said after a chuckle.

Coltbert pulled a book from his right and placed it on the table so that the camera could zoom in on it. “Alright the book is called 'CatastropheNimbus, The Future of Cloudsdale's Clouds'. Now I'm not really much of a science stallion. I'm more of a fan of my feelings. But I gotta hand it to you, CatastropheNimbus, is a good name for a book. I can feel my ass h*beep* clenching in fear when I read the cover. That's a good way to rouse some feelings. Tell me how you came across the idea for this book.”

“Well as you know, I'm a cloud researcher, and I do have a pet rock collection. Thank you for asking.”

Coltbert chuckled and shuffled the cards on his table as he tried to ad-lib a line. “Hit a little too close to home?”

Clean Spring nodded her head with a smile as she continued. “Well I was up in Manehatten for the vacation, and I realized that there were a few clouds that were darker than the rest of the ones in the sky. This was about two years ago when I finished college and got my Ph.D. Anyway, I went outside, flew up to the clouds, and bounced the rain out of them.”

Coltbert was fascinated, but he made sure to put on an expression as if he was losing grip on what Clean Spring was trying to say. “So, explain how you got the rain out of the clouds,” he said.

Clean Spring nodded. “Alright. Well, Pegasus ponies are more adept at handing the weather than other ponies. There have been special cases where Unicorn ponies were able to do it with magic, but other than that, it's mostly Pegasi. We jump on the clouds and it releases the water, kind of like when you squeeze a sponge. There's still moisture inside of it when you are done, but you squeezed out most of it.”

Coltbert chuckled at the innuendo within her words that apparently Clean Spring missed. “Sounds like a Canterlot porno,” he said.

Clean Spring covered her mouth with her hoof as the crowd and her laughed for a few seconds. After she managed to get her composure back, she continued. “Anyway, I tasted the water that came out of the clouds and I realized that it tasted different. I wasn't able to figure out what, but I knew that it wasn't the same pure taste of rain water that I came to know and love.”

Coltbert smiled as he made his response, “You know a good way to change the flavor of water? Crystal Kingdom Light. I believe they just came out with the 'Totally Not Polluted Water' flavor. You should try it.”

Clean Spring let out a small laugh as she leaned back in her chair. The crowd gave the two a small laugh break before Clean Spring continued. “So I decided to look into why some clouds were dirtier than others. I visited Cloudsdale's Rainbow Factory, the Cloud Factory, and the many reservoirs that store water for the cloud machines in order to figure this out. My book explains some possibilities in detail, one of which involves a very rich Earth Pony that happened to buy up most of the Cloud Factory.”

Colbert raised an eyebrow and decided it would be time to play with his guest. “Sounds like you are jealous of that pony's money and success,” he said.

Clean Spring scoffed but still kept a smile on her face, “I'd rather have a Ph.D and be poor, than be a high school drop out and be rich,” she replied.

The crowd let out an “oooh” while Coltbert widened his eyes and placed a hoof over his heart. He then pretended to be insulted. “Well then, I guess this Ph.D is too fancy and smancy for the Coltbert Bump. What with your statistics, and facts. I mean, for Pete's sake, the only pictures in this book are graphs. Unless this graph has Fleur de Lis in it, I'm not interested.”

The crowd cheered while Coltbert pulled out the cuff of his collar, as if he was letting some steam out of his coat. “Alright, now I'm going to smoke you, are you ready?” he asked while he leaned in.

Clean Spring also leaned in with a semi-serious face. “I'm ready,” she said.

“If clouds are getting dirtier, why don't we just buy a water purifier? That way, we don't have to worry about the water that we drink. Check... and mate,” Coltbert said as he pantomimed a Knight moving onto a particular spot. The crowd cheered as Colbert grinned.

Clean Spring was willing to play Coltbert's game. “Because we don't need to change our lifestyle if we can create preventative measures for the environment. Don't you care about the environment? Our future? The children?” She said.

Coltbert leaned back in his chair and placed his hoof below his chin, as if he was contemplating the answer. After a moment, he shook his head and smiled. “Nah, f*beep* 'em.”

Clean Spring burst out laughing along with the crowd as Stephen shook her hoof. Stephen flipped the book back up. “The book is called, 'CatastropheNimbus'. Go buy it! We will be right back!” he said. The crowd cheered on the two of them as Coltbert's theme music played them out.

~

Stephen waved at the camera as the final commercial break for The Report ended. The crowd kept cheering as he stood from his desk. “That's it for The Report everyone! Good night!” he said as his theme music played him off. He walked off the set as the camera focused on his show's logo.

Author's Note

I hope you enjoyed it. Feedback is appreciated in the comments! I read everything that you tell me.

Good Night

The cheering slowly faded away as the stallion walked through the backstage of his studio. He didn't give any of his new employees a word, despite the twelve hour days that Coltbert previously gave each of his staff in order to make sure that the one and only episode of The Coltbert Report would be the best that he could bring.

The white walls of the hallway slid past his vision as the pundit continued until he was out of the studio. Coltbert let out a sigh before he let his exhaustion take hold. He collapsed on the sidewalk and shut his bloodshot eyes in order to quell the stinging pain that remained with keeping them open for more than sixteen hours. His glasses slowly slipped off of his muzzle and he adjusted them, only to let out another inhale of exhaustion as he took a moment to catch his breath.

His vision was replaced with black as he covered his face with his forehooves. A headache was assaulting his mind. The crickets replaced the hearing in his left ear as he took a minute to simply relax. Sure, it was on the dirt sidewalk outside the main establishment that caused his exhaustion, but he could not complain since he couldn't continue. He almost tripped when he moved to high hoof his crowd. It was a good thing that makeup was as advanced as it was back on Earth, because the tiredness and bloodshot eyes would have been shown otherwise.

His left ear straightened as he heard the collective shuffle of hooves on the tile floor behind him. Coltbert crawled away from the entrance to the building and pushed his back up against the side of the studio, his hooves shaking to keep him up. The doors to the studio were pushed open and he could hear numerous members of his crowd as they praised the show.

“The best show I've seen in Equestria. Bar none.”

“Coltbert was so hot, did you see him in that suit?”

“Oh Celestia, I can't wait to see next week's show.”

The clinking of the bit bags that were attached to the crowd's waists made his migraine even worse, but the pain was not even close to the clenching feeling that pooled in his stomach. Coltbert's eyes widened and his ears lowered as he realized the lack of finality that was placed into his show. He wasn't planning on another episode. Within the mixture of energy drinks, dozen hour meetings with his new staff, and a collective writing process, he forgot to put in an ending speech.

His legs finally gave out and he slid down the wall until his rump met his back hooves. His forehooves moved over his eyes once more as they pushed aside the glasses to address the burning problem. When would the public find out? Would they tune in next week and be completely disappointed with the lack of a future episode? The ache in his haunches slowly started to exude out of his muscles and he reclaimed the ability to stand. Once everypony's talking faded into the darkness, Coltbert moved back to his hooves and dashed back into the building.

Not a single member of his staff met up with him until Coltbert opened the prop door that lead to his set and rushed inside. Cameramen were turning off their cameras while others turned off the lights to the set and removed any excess things that he used during the show. The room was met with silence as Coltbert struggled to form an opening statement.

All of his staff were immediately concerned for him when they saw the condition that he was in, but one of them was the first to speak. “Hey Coltbert, you doing alright?” the colt asked.

Coltbert put a hoof up as he finally caught his breath. “Everypony,” he said as he took a few more huffs to gather his breath, “we need a re-shoot. Turn the cameras back on, we don't need the teleprompter. I just need Camera A.”

Some of the crew members were confused, probably because this sudden change of plans was worrying. After all, it was being initiated by a stallion that didn't sleep well. Even though the crew was professional, gossip quickly spread throughout them. One of the particular pieces of gossip was the fact that Coltbert didn't sleep much over the last three days.

The cameraman for Camera A did as he was told. As if they were sent by Celestia herself, Coltbert's extra writers moved onto the set, the clopping of their hooves filling up the room until the entire Coltbert crew was in a circle around the tired stallion. Coltbert pointed at the logo lights, which were currently off. “I need the lights on, I need everything on,” he said as he sat down at his desk chair. He motioned for one of the writers to give him a piece of paper, which was quickly handed to him.

Coltbert started to scrawl out a few paragraphs of a closing statement. All eyes were on him as the silence once again purged the room of the comfortable atmosphere that it previously held when the show was being made. However, it wasn't out of fear, it was out of worry. One of Coltbert's other writers, a light green Pegasus with a golden mane and a pencil for a cutie mark moved over to Coltbert and placed his hoof on the piece of paper, which blocked Coltbert's view. “Hey, you have to tell us what is going on. Why do we need to re-tape? We did everything by the script, the show ran perfectly. What's wrong?” he asked.

Coltbert placed his hooves on the desk as his train of thought for the speech was lost. The plagues of a sleep deprived brain were numerous, one of them being short term memory loss. He was frustrated that he instantly lost the words to his speech. He could have written it all on his own if the interloping hoof didn't meet his vision. “We need to add something to the end. I need to have a closing speech, or something,” Coltbert said in barely more than a whisper.

The green stallion was confused, and he lightly pulled the paper from Coltbert's hooves as the pundit placed his head onto the desk, as if that would bring his memory back. He read the paper and his eyes widened. “Wait a minute, aren't we going to have a show next week? I thought that these long hour days were because of the show,” he said.

Coltbert shook his head as he tried to form a response. “It was... but only for one show. I only planned on doing one show.”

The silence of the crew made Coltbert even more uncomfortable. Did he really forget to tell them that this was going to be a one time thing? He straightened his head and looked at the numerous stallions and mares that were staring at him, but broke their stare as Coltbert looked at them. “I didn't tell any of you this?” he asked.

Every member of the crew shook their heads. One crew member raised his hoof, “I believe the call for us writers asked for comedy writers who were able to write a formulaic show that could span several seasons. You wrote that, right?” he asked.

Despite the sleep deprivation, Coltbert was immediately able to make the connection: Celestia. The combination of his ambivalence towards continuing the show and Celestia's obvious intentions caused this. He looked to the piece of paper that he was writing as it was placed back into his vision by the green colt. He laughed a few times as he realized what Celestia was trying to do. “No, no I didn't,” he replied.

Another writer, a light red mare with an unkempt blue mane stepped forward. “Well, what is it Boss? Are we re-taping or not?” she asked while her gaze shifted between the cameras and Coltbert.

The words slowly moved through Coltbert's mind and he placed his head back onto the desk to block out the inhibiting lights that helped to continue his migraine. He couldn't make a response, since he quickly lost consciousness as the stimulating effects of his last energy drink left him.

~~

“Once again, Barack Obama has let this country down by...”

It was noise, and yet it was research. Stephen sighed and pressed the “Mute” button on his remote to quell the noise. Hearing that phrase was certainly tiring after five years of it. He turned to the pile of parchment in front of him and felt a large amount of deja vu. This was the same amount of mail that previously assaulted him at his studio office. Colbert was confused. The lunch that he previously ate was still settling in his stomach, and Princess Celestia managed to send him forty resume scrolls over the time between his teleport back to Earth and the time that it took him to make a cup of coffee. It was as if she was ready for his agreement...

Stephen slit the protective sticker around the first scroll and opened it before he took a glance at the door. He held the scroll with one hand while the other pushed the rest of the scrolls into one of his open desk drawers. If his wife caught him with one scroll, he could explain that. Forty scrolls however would eliminate his lie pretty quickly. His wife was smart, probably smarter than him. He couldn't take any risks.

Colbert heard a knock at his door and he smiled while he shoved the scroll into another desk drawer of his. He allowed the nearby television to spout its drivel once more while he turned to the door. “Come in,” he said.

Evelyn walked into the room with a smile on her face and a plate of food resting atop her hands. “Hey Honey,” she said as she moved over to Stephen. She placed the plate onto the office desk and pulled up a chair to sit across from him. She intentionally paused before she began. “I missed you.”

Stephen knew that he was in a trap. “The Pause” as he liked to call it, was only used for discussions that would span longer than the actual conversation. Where was Princess Celestia when he needed her? Stephen kept the smile and pretended to be oblivious to his wife's intentions. He reached for the food and took a small bite. He was still full from the lunch, but he forgot to tell his wife. “I missed you as well,” Stephen said in response. He made sure not to miss a beat. “The lunch I had was delicious.”

Evelyn nodded her head and let out a small laugh. It sounded harmless, but he could tell that she was annoyed. While she was perfectly fine with him having lunch in his office, she would have appreciated any kind of announcement that he was coming home. She was left in the dark while he slipped into his office and closed the door. “So how was the lunch?” she asked.

“Oh, it was fine,” Stephen replied as he took another bite in order to give him a few seconds to create his response. “Someone wanted me to participate in... another project.”

Evelyn raised an eyebrow before she leaned over and placed her chin on top of her interlocked fingers. “And what is this project?” she asked. Generalities were never something that her husband liked to use. He was usually short and to the point at home.

Colbert let the fork rest on the plate as he pushed the plate away from himself. The glass tapped against Evelyn's fingers as she kept her stare on her husband. He sighed. “It's in another country,” he responded. It wasn't a complete lie. Although he hated lying to his wife, he knew that he couldn't tell her the truth. He was barely able to wrap his head around the lunch that he had with the princess. How was he going to explain it to his wife? He couldn't, that was the point.

Evelyn sat up in her chair and crossed her arms. Her impatience showed in her voice as she responded. “I know that you are hiding something from me Stephen.”

Stephen felt a pang of guilt assault his chest, but he made sure to use every fiber of his acting degree for this conversation. “I have nothing to hide Eve,” he said. “It's just more business stuff.”

Evelyn let out a sigh, stood up from her chair, and walked over to the door. Her fingertips gently grasped the door handle she kept her stare on him. “I trust you Stephen. I don't have any reason not to. But I'm confused... why can't you tell me?”

Stephen stood up from the chair as he noticed his wife's grip on the doorknob. It was increasing to the point where her knuckles were turning red. “Do I tell you everything that goes on with each show that I do? No, I don't,” he responded as he walked over to Evelyn. He held her with another sigh. “Just trust me on this. When the project is ready, I'll show it to you. Is that fair?”

Evelyn didn't speak for a few moments. She looked back to Stephen's desk and then back to her husband. “Want me to leave you alone?” she asked.

Stephen hated this question since the both of them knew the answer. Stephen nodded his head and gave her a kiss on the lips before he walked back to his desk. Evelyn closed the door behind her and walked off, which left Colbert to his thoughts. As much as he wanted to walk back to his bedroom and reconcile with his wife, the forty scrolls in his desk were preventing him from doing so. He had a show to put on. With a sigh, he opened the desk and pulled the previous resume scroll out. “I'm going to regret this,” he said as he scanned it and after a few minutes, scrawled “No” across the scroll. The parchment evaporated in his hands and Stephen let out a sigh before he pulled out another scroll.

~

“Boss. Hey. Hey Boss.”

Coltbert's eyes slowly opened and the flashing pain of his migraine assaulted him once more. He placed his face in his hooves to try and dull the pain from the lights while he responded. “What?”

“Are you okay? Are we going to re-tape? We are all still here,” the light red mare responded.

Stephen endured the pain of his migraine in order to give a glance to his staff. The clock in the back of the room told him that he passed out for fifteen minutes. “What the... don't you all have places to be?”

The green colt shook his head. “We figured you needed at least a small amount of sleep. I would take you home, but none of us know where you live.”

Coltbert stood up from his chair and looked to the audio mixing pony, a tan colt with a soundboard as his cutie mark. “Get the tape ready with Mix Master and send it off. We don't need to re-tape,” he said as he walked back to the exit of the set.

“Does that mean that the show will air next week?”

Coltbert sighed and stopped. “I don't know,” he replied to the door as he opened it and exited his studio.

The cold draft of the Canterlot evening chilled Coltbert's face. His eyes stung from the wind. Across the city, he could see Princess Celestia's castle in all of its glory. He needed to talk to the Princess, but he doubted that he would be able to walk to the castle. His legs were begging him to lay down, he doubted that he could make the journey.

As if his mind was read, a humming feeling started to move through his muscles. His legs stopped shaking and the migraine exuded out of his head. His bloodshot eyes were ameliorated, and the tense muscles in his back started to relax and heal. Coltbert started to glow with white energy and his eyes widened at the sudden spell. He knew what it was, but he couldn't be sure that it was Celestia that was casting it. His questions were answered as the Canterlot road was replaced with Celestia's throne room. Coltbert let out an “Oof” as he fell onto the floor.

Princess Celestia smiled and lowered the magical barrier on Coltbert. “It's very nice to see you again, Stephen Coltbert,” she said as she trotted across the room and grasped his hoof. “I take it that you have finished the taping of your first show?”

Coltbert shook Celestia's hoof a few times before he let go. The renewed vigor in his body allowed him to nod his head, but the fear over the fact that he was still inside of her world made him second guess his possible outburst. A few good questions would help him ease into it. “How did you know that I was going to be done at this exact time?” he asked.

Princess Celestia smiled and took a step back from the stallion. “You sent me a letter with the time that you would be done when you finished the script, remember?”

Stephen paused and placed a hoof underneath his chin. His body might not be tired anymore, but his mind remained exhausted. He let out a nervous laugh and shook his head. “I guess not. My apologies, I haven't exactly been sleeping well,” he responded as he tried to formulate some kind of segue into his anger.

Celestia started to walk out of the throne room, “Follow me, let's take a walk,” she said as the light clops of her hooves followed her into the grand hallway of the castle.

Coltbert followed, but remained silent. As he walked alongside the Princess, he noticed a certain lack of shine in the Princess' mane. Her tail was still billowing in the night air, but it seemed unkempt and messy than when he first met her. Sure, sometimes regal figures had to “let their hair down” every once in a while, but a quivering thought in the back of Coltbert's mind made him wonder if it was his fault. Was the tiredness of teleportation already taking its effect?

Princess Celestia seemed to not care about Coltbert's stare. She turned to Coltbert and her horn started to glow once more. “I take it that you want me to teleport you back to your home world?” she asked.

Coltbert shook his head. “No. Well... I do... but I need to talk to you about something first.”

“I'm listening.”

“Why didn't you tell any of my staff when you took their resumes that this show was only going to last for one episode?” Coltbert asked. Although he wanted to sound angry, he failed for this question. He just ended up sounding like he was woken up in the middle of the night.

Celestia's smile was replaced with a surprised expression. Her tone changed to a nervous one as Coltbert stared her down. “I... don't know if you still plan on doing one or the other. Did you honestly want me to hire writers for one show that might not remain if you chose to continue this?” she asked. “If I helped you hire writers that couldn't handle a longer show... they wouldn't last as long.”

Coltbert nodded his head and sighed. The princess was softening in front of him. She didn't get defensive, or angry, and she didn't even try to lie. As much as he wished that he could help, he didn't realize that creating The Coltbert Report would be this tiring for him.

Within three days, he managed to create a show in the exact image as his own on Earth. Since it was taped and the crowd was paid to cheer, he wouldn't know if his show had any effect on Equestria until he was back home. This didn't help with the fact that he angered his wife in order to keep the secret, and relinquished valuable time that he could have spent with his family. As much as he wanted to continue, the sacrifices were too high. “I'm sorry Princess Celestia, but I can't continue. I just hope that my show will help open up some eyes and point out a few problems with the Equestrian media circle. Good luck with your empire, Princess. I would like to go home now.”

Princess Celestia remained frozen with her gaze on Coltbert. Her hooves softly pressed against the tile floor. Small cracks formed in the porcelain as she tried to hold in the maelstrom of feelings that assaulted her. She wanted to scream in the Royal Canterlot Voice her denial of his wishes. He was her last hope, and her inability to covet his wishes was the first domino in the downfall of her empire. She lowered her head. “I understand. May luck grace your future endeavors... Stephen Colbert,” Celestia said.

Despite her bottled up feelings, Stephen was able to feel the turmoil in the Princess' tone. She sounded almost as tired as him, but he knew that she wasn't physically tired. Celestia's horn glowed with a dim light as Coltbert was lifted into the air of the grand hallway. He disappeared within minutes and Celestia let out a grunt of exertion as she focused on getting the human back to his world.

Colbert fell onto the bed in his bedroom. All that came out of him was a grunt as the exhaustion of Equestria's antics made him fall asleep within seconds.

Evelyn's eyes widened as she stood nearby the bed, her jaw hung agape at what she just witnessed.

Princess Celestia exhaled as her horn dimmed. The exhaustion of the day was fully affecting her. She walked over to her room and closed the door behind her. One more spell locked her room door and placed a sound barrier on her room to block any peeping ponies. Once she made sure that no one could hear her, she let the tears slide down her cheeks. “I tried,” Celestia said as her eyes stared up at the ceiling. Her vision was blurred by her tears, before it was replaced with black as she collapsed backwards on her bed.

Author's Note

Lemme know what you think so far. Episode 2 is next chapter.

Episode 2: Nurse Tender Care

An eagle screech alerted the audience that the show they came to see was finally starting. The camera focused in on Stephen Coltbert. “Tonight!” Stephen said as he pointed his hoof at the camera, “Will Twilight Sparkle become an alicorn? I hope not, we already have two that do nothing. Then, can poison joke provide the cure to aging? The new tumor on your face says yes. Plus, I sit down with Nurse Tender Care, who has written a book on the decline of health in Manehatten. Talk about a party pooper. This, is The Coltbert Report.”

The camera transitioned to a beautifully rendered cinematic of Stephen Coltbert running through numerous flags of previous invaders on a background of red, white, and blue. The theme song for the Colbert Report started to play as the cinematic continued. The invader flags disintegrated as Coltbert passed through them. Within a few feet of the last flag, Stephen grabbed an erect Equestrian flag out of the ground and jumped off camera. Numerous words flashed through the background such as “Equestrian”, “Naturally Flavored”, “Element of Truth”, and “Alicorn-in-Training”.

The view changed to Coltbert falling through the same environment before he turned to stare at the camera with a serious face. The flag collided with the ground and sent out a shock wave in the form of the Equestrian flag sigil as Coltbert straightened his posture and smirked. The title emblem for The Coltbert Report flashed over the screen before another eagle screech transitioned the cut between the cinematic and the camera that focuses on Stephen.

Stephen raised his hoof and smiled as he waved at his crowd, who decided to come back to his show for seconds. They chanted Stephen's name for another fifteen seconds as Stephen smiled and straightened the papers on his desk. “Oh yes,” Stephen said as he sat back in his chair. “Oh yes. Thank you. Sit down, sit down, we got a show to do here. I tell you folks, I almost think I am Princess Cadence when I am surrounded by you all, because no one else could give me this much love.”

“Now folks, you know about my obsession with unicorn magic and the magical divide between our evolutionary races. Recently, there have been some rumors floating around concerning Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia's private student. Apparently, the paparazzi have been asking Twilight Sparkle about the Princess Coronation that has been coming up. Twilight Sparkle leaked this information. Jim?”

The camera switched focus to a video of the Canterlot News Network and their report on Twilight. “The student is expected to play a big part in the ceremony. The media is questioning what her intentions are after Twilight said that she would be 'fulfilling her destiny'. Twilight refused to give any future comments.”

The camera switched back to Coltbert as he stared at the camera, as if he was waiting for some additional information that never came. When a few seconds passed without another video, Coltbert snapped back into action. “Of course, Twilight is going to fulfill her destiny! I mean, it makes perfect sense, and by that, I mean it makes no sense at all! As we all expected, the completely true opinions of Faux News were the first to point out the flaws, Jim?”

The camera switched to Good Morning Equestria, a well known Faux News show. Two white stallions were holding blue flash cards while the third mare had a laptop on her lap with a lot of cables hooked up to it, just in case she needed to show something on the screen behind her. The first stallion was right in the middle of speaking as the video began. “Of course Princess Celestia would want to create another one of her kind in order to rule over us. She did it with Princess Cadence, she did it with her sister, and now she is doing it with a unicorn.”

The second stallion nodded his head and pointed his hoof at the camera. “Everypony knows that Twilight is going to become an alicorn at this coronation. Why else would she say that she was going to fulfill her destiny?”

The mare nodded her head and after a few ticks on the laptop, she brought up the Fillypedia article on coronations. “Apparently a coronation is 'a ceremony marking the formal investiture of a monarch and/or their consort with regal power, usually involving the placement of a crown upon their head and the presentation of other items of regalia'. This doesn't feel right. Why would they make a unicorn that has caused mass amounts of destruction to Ponyville into a princess? Does Celestia not care about the well being of her citizens?”

The first stallion moved back into the conversation. “We know the least about this unicorn. For all we know, that unicorn could try to speak for everypony, when she doesn't know anything. We know the least about this unicorn!”

The camera switched back to Coltbert, who pointed his pen at the camera. “Yeah,” he said, “we know the least about Twilight Sparkle! It's not like you can go on the Fillypedia article on Twilight Sparkle and find out that she 'likes daffodil and daisy sandwiches, was born twenty years ago, and has been Princess Celestia's student ever since her magical outburst at Celestia's Academy for Gifted Unicorns.”

Stephen was interrupted as a screen capture of the Fillypedia article on Twilight Sparkle was shown on the border to the right of him with most of his previous sentence highlighted. His expression was replaced with a surprised one as he looked off-camera. “Oh you can? Well, awkward,” he said. Stephen then reached underneath his desk, pulled out a laptop, and powered it out of its sleep mode. He looked back at the camera and smiled. “Nation, I believe that it is time to upgrade ourselves to the journalism of tomorrow. Having said that, I shall bring us to tonight's Word.”

The crowd cheered as the transition for The Word appeared on the right side of the screen while Coltbert remained on the left side. He adjusted his glasses and shifted his papers as “The Word” appeared on the blue background at the same time that Coltbert said it, “Journalassm. Folks, with this new medium that Faux News has started, we can save time and money from having to research for the news. For example, if I want to know something about Astute Observations, the mare that we just saw, I can do something easier and less annoying than scheduling an interview,”

The Word responded with, “By not having an interview.”

Stephen continued. “By looking her up on Fillypedia. For example, I can take her opinion from five years ago on her political stance and leave it at that. Let's see.”

Stephen then moved to his laptop and within a few ticks, found the page on A.O. “Ah hah! It says right here that Astute Observations was a Democolt pets rights activist. Since I have no idea what a Democolt is, I will just assume that the dead animal on her head means that she is no longer a pets rights activist,” he said as he pointed at the short and gray mane that plagued A.O's head.

The Word responded with, “Anyone seen Angel lately?”

Stephen let out a yawn and closed the laptop. “Oh Celestia, can you imagine the energy that it must take to slightly press your hoof down? No wonder there's only one pony there with a laptop. F*beep* this.”

“No, not Angel.”

“I have a better idea. We should do what the two stallions are doing. After all,”

The camera view switched as it focused on an article from cantercolt.com which stated, “Twilight Sparkle's words were the only information that was given when it came to the Coronation. There is no evidence that Twilight will become an alicorn, the only evidence that we have is that Twilight's destiny will be fulfilled, and there is a coronation.”

Coltbert nodded his head and outstretched his forelegs in agreement. “Keeping this in mind, we can assume that the two stallions have become inventors of a new journalism method.”

“Anal retentive memory.”

“Completely making things up. For example, and I'm just spit balling here. A.O is an ursa minor who recently had surgery to change her appearance. Now, we all know that this isn't true, since at least an ursa is capable of shutting up when they need to.”

“And there isn't enough surgery in the world to fix her...”

“Anyway, I'm getting off topic. Faux News has once again upgraded their credibility with their creation of a new kind of journalism. If all of us can pull things out of our ass to be angry about, we can forget about the present. After all, the last thing that any of us wants to do is focus on the present when we can be eternally angry about a fictional future. And that's The Word, we will be right back.”

~

“Welcome back everypony, thank you so much!” Coltbert said among the massive cheering that followed the continuation of his program. He adjusted his glasses as he placed the pen in his hoof nearby his papers. “Folks, they say an apple a day keeps the doctor away. That's why I'm marrying Applejack next week. This is Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Coltbert, D.E.A.”

The crowd cheered as a cinematic played of Stephen sitting down at one of the many chess tables at Manehatten with a pony that reminded everyone of the Grim Reaper. All of the chess pieces were in disarray, with many of Stephen's white pieces missing. Stephen pointed off-screen and yelled out, “Look!”

The Grim Reaper looked towards Stephen's distraction and the pundit shifted around a few pieces that caused an instant checkmate for the Reaper. As the Reaper looked back to the board, Stephen smiled, looked to the camera, and shrugged.

The camera switched back to Stephen as he sat up in his chair. “Just a disclaimer, I'm not a medical doctor. I have a honorary doctorate in Equestrian Arts. So I can tell you that there is a sun in this. As usual, Cheating Death is sponsored by PressPlot Pharmaceuticals. PressPlot: Give the gift that keeps on giving: a lawsuit. First up, aging,” he said. As he finished his sentence, a skeleton of a pony quickly grew a beard and proclaimed, “Old”. Coltbert continued, “Nation, you all know that we don't want to look a year past twenty. That's why I tell my wife to keep trying until I can love her again. Recently, some scientists in Marelaysia have uncovered a possible secret to aging. Jim?”

The camera switched to a video clip of an interview between a zebra and a reporter. The zebra looked like she had just finished her discovery since she was still wearing a lab coat and goggles. The zebra was speaking in a different language from Equestrian, which meant that subtitles were placed at the bottom. “We have made a discovery through the use of potion making about aging. We found a cure that involves poison joke, belladonna, and heart's desire. Through the use of these three ingredients, you can create an elixir that will reduce aging by one year.”

The camera switched back to Stephen, who pointed his pen at the camera for a moment as he spoke. “Exactly! One whole year! Marelaysia has certainly found a breakthrough by mixing together three completely dangerous ingredients in order to make something that can only be achieved by the unobtainable goal of exercise. That's why PressPlot Pharmaceuticals is proud to present,” Stephen paused as he reached under his desk to pull out a bottle of pills. He placed it on the desk and faced the label towards the camera. “Pacsa-Phy. A once a month pill that can be taken for those who want to take off a few years. The ingredients inside of the pill will take off a certain old part of your body so that it can be replaced with something young and new. You just simply take the pill,” Stephen placed the pill into his mouth and pulled a glass of water from underneath his desk. He sipped it and swallowed before he let out a sigh of relief. “Then you wait for the pill to kick i-oh sh*beep*.”

Stephen's right foreleg fell out of his business suit and bounced off of his desk and onto the floor. He leaned over the desk in order to look at his missing leg before he looked back to the camera. The crowd was laughing up a storm as Coltbert switched his glances between the fallen leg and the camera for a few takes. “Good thing I have a spare,” he said as one of his crew ponies ran out onto the set and gave him a fake foreleg, which he placed inside of his suit. He used the fake hoof to push the pill bottle to the side as he smiled. “Side effects of Pacsa-Phy include Griffin balls, Parasprite face, malignant tumors, and Changeling legs. Well, that's it for Cheating Death. Brought to you by PressPlot Pharmaceuticals. PressPlot: Princess Celestia doesn't know of us yet. I'll see you in health!”

~

Cheering continued as another commercial ended for The Report. Coltbert outstretched his hooves as he surveyed his audience. “Thank you everypony! My guest tonight thinks that health is becoming less of a focus in Equestria.” Coltbert paused as he pulled out a large hay burger with seven pieces of hay bacon, hot sauce, vanilla frosting, and sprinkles. “What is she talking about? Please welcome, Nurse Tender Care!”

Coltbert balanced the plate on his back and he trotted off of his desk and over to the interview desk while his theme music played. He placed the burger on the interview table and he smiled as he sat down in his chair. Nurse Tender Care, a light green Earth pony with mint green eyes and a golden mane gave a glance to the burger before she giggled slightly, despite her complete distaste for the food.

Coltbert took a big bite out of the burger and chewed a few times while the crowd behind him let out groans of disgust. Coltbert swallowed and then pushed the plate slightly towards the Nurse. “Want a bite?” he asked.

Tender Care shook her head and smiled. “No thank you, I'm fine,” she responded with a slight chuckle.

Coltbert pulled the burger back to himself and smiled as he lined up the blue cards full of questions that he had. “Alright, you are a graduate of Canterlot's School for Gifted Unicorns. You acquired your medical degree a few years later. You are the medical consult for every hospital in Manehatten, and you have written a book called, 'Fat Foals, the Examination of Manehatten Eating Habits'. Now, when it comes to this book, uh... I haven't read it, what... exactly are you talking about?”

As Tender Care prepared her response, Coltbert took another bite of the burger and let out a few “Mmm”s in response while half of the crowd laughed and half of the crowd groaned in disgust once more. Tender Care smiled as she pointed at that burger. “I'm talking about that,” she said as Coltbert looked up from the plate with a quizzical expression.

“My burger?” Coltbert asked. “What's wrong with my burger?”

Tender Care continued. “Within the last few years, Equestria has been evolving as far as technology is concerned. Because of this, there have been a lot of new inventions that I call 'Snack Foods'. They aren't meant to give you any nutrition, they are just there to fill you up and addict you to their product. We don't have any laws with food in this country... so we have products like Flim Flam Flakes that claim to be based on apples when they are merely apple flavored. Or we have snacks that claim to be potato or carrot flavored when they are merely potato chips with coloring and magical flavors that don't have anything to do with carrots or other vegetables.”

Coltbert raised an eyebrow as he wiped his mouth with a napkin that he kept in his suit pocket. “But shouldn't children have the right to decide whether or not they want to eat an apple or blow through a bag of Flim Flam Flakes?” he asked. “We are Equestrians, and I'm sure the Flim Flam Brothers are just trying to sell legitimate products to us free individuals.”

Tender Care chuckled a little bit as her voice started to grow a little irritated. Apparently she didn't get the memo about Coltbert's behavior. “Well, first of all, we never had any obesity issues back when Princess Celestia was ruling with her sister,” she said.

The crowd gave her an applause break and Coltbert looked behind him. He raised an eyebrow and then turned back to Tender Care with a smile. “I see they finally warmed up to my frosting burger idea.”

Tender Care continued without responding to Coltbert. “Second of all, just because there is a new legislative body in Canterlot doesn't mean that we are free. But we are getting off topic. There are a lot of mediums for snack creators to reach to our children. Commercials, newspapers, magazines, the Ponynet, and more. Manehatten is the largest buyer of snack foods on this side of the world, and as a result, we have a larger obesity rate among our children than Canterlot and Ponyville combined. Granted, there aren't that many children in Canterlot or Ponyville compared to Manehatten, but this is still a trend that worries me. I started this book when snack foods came out and published it a few weeks ago when I finished my findings. If we can't get our Manehatten mayor or elected official to even bring up the problem of marketed snacks, then obesity will continue to rise.”

Stephen placed a hoof underneath his chin and then placed one of his cards on top of the other. He turned towards the camera and then pulled out a can of Colta-Cola. He raised the can to camera level and then opened it. “I would agree with you, if I wasn't contractually enamored by the taste of Colta-Cola,” he responded as he took a large drink of the can. “Available at your nearest sugar factory, I mean... supermarket.”

Tender Care rolled her eyes with a small smirk as the crowd cheered on Coltbert. The pundit placed the can back onto the table and he shook the mare's hoof. “Thank you so much. 'Fat Foals'! It's on the bookshelves now! We'll be right back!”

~

Stephen waved at the camera as the final commercial break for The Report ended. The crowd kept cheering as he remained seated at his desk. “That's it for The Report everyone! Good night!” he said as his theme music played him off. He brought out the pill bottle of Pacsa-Phy and popped another fake pill as the camera focused on his show's logo.

Author's Note

All of that silly "plot" building stuff will be in next chapter. I didn't want it to dampen the mood of this episode.

And it's official. Twiley will be an alicorn. Good thing I wrote this before the leak, so the point still stands.

(OOC) The Daily Show: Shining Armor

A spinning Equestrian globe followed the words of a charismatic stallion as he began the show in its usual fashion. “February 14th, 2013. From Canterlot Central's News Center, this, is The Daily Show with Jon Stallion.”

The globe was replaced with a camera's view as the show's theme music played over the audience's cheering and stomping. The camera panned backwards from a blue globe and caught the frame of the pony comedian before the focus switched to the main camera that was used for the show. Jon was currently doodling on the notes that he used for his show, his hoof moving back and forth to create an amorphous blob of pen ink. He looked up and smiled as he placed the pen on his desk. “Welcome to The Daily Show! My name is Jon Stallion!” he said to the overwhelming crowd response, which gave the perfect cue for it to die down. “Oh, we got a great show for you tonight. My guest, Prince Shining Armor. He will be here to make sure that the information regarding his empire is... crystal clear.”

The audience laughed as Jon looked at his notes and shuffled a few of them around in embarrassment due to his lame joke. “Over ten writers folks, and that's what we came up with.” he added. Jon sat up in his chair as the words on the teleprompter for his first segment started. The smile disappeared from his face and turned into more of a neutral face as he adopted a more serious tone. “I want to begin with a social problem that has been occurring rather frequently in the news as of late... yesterday. You see, Princess Cadence has recently allowed anypony within the Crystal Empire to marry regardless of gender. This includes gay and lesbian marriages.”

Jon paused to allow the audience to commend the Princess' actions with cheering and stomping. He continued when it seceded. “Now, considering this is a large choice for the princess and prince of the Crystal Kingdom to make, there is of course going to be backlash.”

The view changed to a video clip of Good Morning Equestria with one of the male co-hosts apparently in a rage. He was sitting on the right side of a white couch with his body turned towards the other two co-hosts as he began to speak. “This is a cowardly move on Cadence's part,” the stallion said to the two other hosts, who nodded their heads in agreement.

The video clip was then interrupted with four more clips from various news programs on Faux News. The clips were spliced in such a way so that “A cowardly move” was repeated four times. The camera view changed back to the Good Morning Equestria as the stallion tried to explain his reasoning. “I mean, Cadence is basically rolling over and allowing her subjects to dictate what does and doesn't happen in her empire. Am I right here?”

The clip ended and switched to Jon, who pretended to sympathize with the clips that were just presented. “Oh yes of course, a cowardly move,” he said as he tapped the pen on his desk a few times. “Much in the same way as sitting in a studio and being paid thirty thousand bits a year to talk crap about others, right?”

The audience started to cheer for him as a photo-shopped picture of two crystal hooves holding each other appeared to Jon's left with the words, “Games Ponies Play” provided as the segment title. The cheering stopped and Jon placed the pen in between his hooves as he looked back at the camera. “Alright, alright, I know. Glass houses. Well then, let's hear from somepony who is actually having a part in the political process of Equestria. Possibly from someone who also happens to be a political contributor on Faux News?”

The camera view shifted to a clip of a pony with a light brown coat, blue eyes, and black hair. It was none other than one of the ponies that was picked for the Canterlot Pawngress, Filthy Rich. The stallion was currently wearing a black suit and had a mini microphone attached to his neck, as if his meeting in Canterlot had adjourned. He looked surprisingly ready for this interview. Numerous ponies walked in and out of the background as newsponies and politicians prepared for their daily dump of opinionated news. “Well, I'm not really surprised that the Crystal Empire decided to do this,” Filthy Rich said as he chuckled slightly. “There is a reason that the Crystal Empire is the lowest in Equestria as far as exports and profits are concerned. Princess Cadence is just passing and allowing whatever laws she can in order to try and surpass Canterlot or Ponyville. There is also a reason why Canterlot makes the most profits in Equestria: we aren't focused on irrelevant matters.”

The crowd let out a groan of disgust as the camera switched back to Jon. He was staring at the camera with a surprised face before his expression completely changed. The rage that boiled up inside of him was being subdued by the words on the teleprompter in front of him and his desire to articulate his point without turning into the many figureheads in the media that he worked so hard to disassociate himself from.

The video clip remained on Filthy Rich's smug grin as Jon tapped his pen onto his desk a few more times. He let it go, licked his lips, and responded. “Alright. First of all... It's really hard to take you seriously on matters of morality when you have a golf leaf imprint of a money sign on your tie that you paid with Celestian Government money and wrote off as a tax deduction under the grounds of, 'Company Motivation Booster'.”

The camera view changed to a certain article from EquestrianGovernments.gov with the words, “Gold accentuation: 1000 bits. Company Morale Booster,” highlighted. Jon continued as the camera focused back on him. “And you know what? I'm not even going to touch your whole 'Gay marriage is an irrelevant matter' shtick, because I only have four minutes, and I doubt even Twilight Sparkle could telekinetically pull your head out of your ass!”

The crowd started to cheer again and Jon raised his right hoof to point at the camera while he kept his glare. “Here is the problem,” he said as the clapping died down, “your attitude is completely f(beep)ing wrong. Morality... is not something that can be measured in gemstones and bits. This was a simple decision, which, by the way, doesn't affect your countries in any way, shape, or form. This just gave those who were unable to get married in the Crystal Kingdom due to their preferences the ability to be as miserable as the rest of us married folks!”

The crowd was going to cheer and stomp, but Jon continued before they were able to. His voice was lower than his previous paragraph. “You know what, I get it. You are a businesspony first. That's your special talent, so the numbers are what came to your mind. But this isn't a tax write off paper. This isn't a paycheck. This is actual people being given actual rights. So here, let's make a deal. I will pretend to trust anything economic that you bring up in Canterlot Pawngress meetings and in return, you shut the f(beep) up about anything moral. Because if your response to ponies being given the right to pursue their lovers, marry, and live together in harmony is, 'Cadence is probably just doing it so she can make her country some money,' then you aren't allowed to be in the debate. You don't have to act like your name. You know filthy can be a good word right? We will be right back.”

Jon slapped his blue show papers onto the desk as the camera panned out, which indicated the first commercial break of the show.

~

The applause started back up again as Jon smiled at the crowd. “Hey welcome back!” he said as the applause dialed down. He tapped his papers against his desk in order to organize them into a correct position before he set them down. “As you know, our country has been through a rough transition over the past few years. Choices have opened up to the public, such as television channels, clop choices, and whether or not we should be squeezing the toothpaste tube from the middle or the bottom. Jason Pones has more.”

The camera view switched to a busy street in Canterlot. Ponies were rushing left and right out of view. Some tried to hurry to get to work, others were simply strolling from one side of the camera view to the other. Their worries about work obviously did not apply. Jason Pones began his voice over introduction. “For generations, Canterlot has always been the foundation of our country's principles, such as wearing dresses that are studded with expensive gemstones.” The camera focused on a white and blue dress with sapphires emblazoned across it. The gemstones gave off a bright light that provided a large lens flare for the camera. “Other principles involve being attacked every thousand years, hosting nearly every public event, but the most important one has to be-”

“Traditional marriage,” a stallion replied, cutting off Jason Pone's voice over.

The camera switched to a light blue unicorn who was standing in front of the National Canterlot Freedom Club building.

Jason Pones continued his voice over in more of a dubious manner. “Yeah, that.” His voice then returned to normal as the camera switched frames to the stallion's office. He was currently signing paperwork and creating picket signs. “Meet Old Ways, the stallion-in-charge when it comes to NCFC's publicity. He has been running the place for three years, ever since the Great Debate. I sat down with him in order to see what kind of new ideas and freedoms he has been fighting for.”

Jason sat down across from Old Ways and smiled as he placed a notebook onto his lap. Old Ways sat down in the opposite chair and folded his forearms over one another. Jason wrote a few notes in order to make sure that he had his facts all straight, and then he asked his first question. “Alright, so tell me what you do here at the National Canterlot Freedom Club.”

The stallion inhaled quietly in order to gather his thoughts before he responded. “Well, we fight for freedom.”

Jason paused from writing in his notebook, a pseudo-serious expression on his face. “Well, yeah,” he responded, slightly annoyed from the predictable answer. “But what do you mean by 'freedom'?”

Old Ways paused and he raised his hoof slightly to try and convey his ambiguity through his hand movements, but a simple half hoof raise was unable to prove anything. His silence was golden.

The camera focus switched to a daylight view of Canterlot's famed art exhibits. Numerous pictures flashed through the camera's field of vision, but not a single one of them conveyed any life. All of the paintings were esoteric blotches of dark color that seemed to drain the soul out of the ones who stared at them. The voice over began again. “Ah yes, freedom. Despite the fact that Canterlot is already under rule by two princesses, and was ruled by a dictator before that... and a single queen before that.”

The view switched back to Jason as he circled something in his notebook. “Okay, now, tell me your definition of freedom.”

Old Ways' blank stare disappeared, but it was replaced with a more adamant expression. “Freedom means... being in a society where we can express our freedom of speech. Our beliefs can't and shouldn't be challenged.”

Jason wrote this down. “And who would make sure that your rights and beliefs would be protected?”

Old Ways paused. “Celestia.”

Jason stared at Old Ways for a moment. The two of them shared a good ten seconds of silence before Jason reached off camera and pulled a dictionary into his lap. “Alright. Now please read the entry that says 'freedom',” he said as he placed the dictionary into the other stallion's lap.

The camera view switched to the outside of the NCFC building, where numerous posters adorned the outside of the building, all of them made by Old Ways. One of the posters read, “One mare, one colt.” Another poster said, “The princesses are not the law.”

“It seems that Old Ways is angry because freedom does not mean what he thinks it means,” Jason's voice over responded as Old Ways read the definition from the dictionary. “Perhaps it's time to get to the bottom of his beliefs and see if they are as free as he thinks he is.”

Jason turned over a page in his notebook. “Alright. We are going to do a little thought exercise. Now, I'm going to say a word, and you just tell me the first thing that comes to mind. Freedom.”

“Traditional marriage.”

“Changelings.”

“Evil.”

Jason raised an eyebrow. “Colt cuddling?”

“Wrong.”

“You know that colt cuddling would be allowed if this country was free, right?”

Old Ways crossed his forelegs and frowned. “Well if freedom allows gay ponies to get married, then I don't want to live in a free country.”

Jason's stare continued until the camera focus changed to an outside view of the NCFC building. “Apparently freedom is a little too tolerant of other pony's ideas to be the belief for Old Ways,” his voice over said. “Perhaps he will find a better slogan, one that exemplifies his beliefs.”

The camera focused in on a new poster that Old Ways was putting up on the wall. The poster had two stallions with a red X painted over the both of them. The slogan was simple, “Gay marriage is wrong because I f$%^ing said so.”

Jon was hiding his chuckles as the camera focused back on him. He slapped his show notes onto his desk. “Jason Pones everybody, we will be right back.”

~

Jon smiled as another commercial had come and gone for his show, and he looked towards the camera as the audience's cheering dissipated. “Welcome back! My guest tonight, he is the prince for the Crystal Empire and was Captain of the Canterlot Royal Guard. Please welcome, Prince Shining Armor!”

The audience cheered as Shining Armor walked out from the entrance to the set. He smiled broadly as Jon got up from his seat and walked over to the Prince. The two met halfway near the desk and shook hooves before Jon motioned towards the chair across from his own, near the desk. The Prince sat down and Jon's audience cheered for a few more moments, especially the mares. There were a significant amount of suggestive screams from the crowd. Shining Armor chuckled while Jon took a moment to look over the more muscular stallion. Even when the two were sitting, Shining Armor was still a head taller than him. “It feels like high school all over again,” Jon said with a small laugh.

Shining Armor chuckled and leaned back in his chair. “I won't give you a swirly this time.”

“I very much appreciate that,” Jon replied as he shuffled around his papers. “Now, first off, how are you doing?”

Shining Armor placed his hooves onto the desk and shrugged. The nearby mug on the desk was slowly levitated to his lips, where he took a drink and set it back down. “Doing well,” Shining Armor responded.

Jon nodded his head. “Good. We will get to your wife's decision in a minute. I wanted to ask, what do you think about the ponies who say that you passed this law just to increase your economy?”

Shining Armor shrugged. “I can't really say much else, other than the fact that we didn't do this for the money. Mr. Filthy had a good point as far as our economic scale is concerned. But... he isn't aware of the fact that our economy is still in development. Shifting from the materials that Sombra forced the Crystal Ponies to mine to our own supplies of crystal wool and berries takes time. We haven't really had any exports because of it, but at least my wife's ponies are happy and not hungry. Our priorities are in order.”

The crowd gave Shining Armor an applause break as Jon smiled at his guest. As much as he wanted to dodge the hard questions, most of his program brought up questions that would be a crime to ignore. He looked down at his desk for a moment before he looked back up at the Prince. “I would like to go back to your wife's decision.”

Shining Armor nodded his head and his body seemed to stiffen up. His back hooves pressed against the ground while his forehooves remained on the desk. “Yes of course.”

“What do you think about it?” Jon asked as he moved one of his hooves underneath his muzzle in thought, curious of his guest's answer.

Shining Armor exhaled, but Jon wasn't able to tell if it was from annoyance or relief. “I think that she made the right decision,” Shining Armor paused as he realized the lack of emotion in his response. “What I mean is... I didn't really have a say in this decision. But that wasn't because my wife didn't let me, I just felt that there wasn't any creative input that I could have thrown into the discussion. It's like you said, any gender should have the right to be as miserable as all us married folks.”

Jon found Shining Armor's response interesting. “What do you mean when you say that you didn't have any creative input?”

Shining Armor felt uncomfortable at this question, but it was only able to be shown to those who had interviewed many ponies in the past and was able to tell the breaks in one's character. Even though it was small, the slight shift that Shining Armor subtly performed in his chair was enough of a hint. Jon was about to change the subject when Armor admitted his uncomfortable feelings. “I'm not... completely for same gender marriage.”

Some of the members of the crowd started to grow tense and Jon could tell from the silence. He wasn't worried. A certain feeling was telling him that Shining Armor was going to explain himself. Which he did.

“It's not that I'm against it. I'm just... ambivalent. I mean... I married a mare, obviously.”

“You almost married a monster,” Jon said, which garnered some laughs from the audience.

Shining Armor chuckled. “Well, tell her that she's fat and then tell me that she isn't a monster. But... the point that I want to get at is that,” Armor paused again as he tried to collect the words. “I don't... have anything against it. I just find it different. I've seen some members of the Royal Guard fall for each other. And this isn't just regular, you know... 'I want to f*beep* you' love.”

Jon nodded his head, “The good old 'Cider Love',” he added.

Shining Armor laughed and nodded his head. “Yeah. I understand where some of the ponies are coming from when they say that same gender marriage is weird. I just... wouldn't use the word 'weird'. It lowers the public opinion of their completely valid love when you put it in such a negative way. It's... a bullsh*beep* opinion when they say that gay marriage is immoral. I mean... if my sister fell for another mare, I wouldn't hold anything against her, because there is no reason to. Love is... intangible. It's subjective. One pony's love is not inferior just because it's for the same gender.”

The crowd started to cheer and clap at Shining Armor, who smiled nervously as Jon nodded his head. Armor continued. “I just wish that we could have passed this law without any controversy. It was in place before Sombra, but we had to reenact it since Sombra banned all marriages while he ruled.”

Jon smiled and pointed his pen at Shining Armor in a teasing way. “That's probably the only good thing that he did.”

Armor nodded his head and laughed a few times. “I'm happy with my wife. I wouldn't have it any other way,” he replied as the mug was once again levitated to his lips for a drink.

Jon nodded his head and crossed his forelegs. “Mmhm, spoken like a true whipped stallion.”

The crowd laughed and Jon shuffled around some of his papers as he got to his next point. “So, I wanted to ask about your duties. Compared to back when you were part of the Royal Canterlot Guard, how is being a Prince different from your previous job?”

Shining Armor shrugged. “Not that different. I still get ordered around by a demigod-like alicorn. Only difference is that I now have to sleep with her,” he said with a smirk.

Jon giggled and placed his hoof over his mouth for a moment. “Is that a good thing?”

Shining Armor looked at the camera and then back to Jon, faking nervousness now that he was completely comfortable. “I don't know... I would never do anything to insult my wife. She's always right, after all.”

Jon raised an eyebrow. Being a married stallion gave him a few hints. “So, you had your marriage, you had your honeymoon. It's been around three years. Any ideas about kids?”

Immediately, Shining Armor grabbed Jon and pulled him close. The two of them were staring into each other's eyes as Shining Armor faked a look of pure terror. “Hide me.”

Jon laughed as the Prince let him go and he pointed his hoof at Shining Armor while the crowd once again exploded with cheering and hoof stomping. “Prince Shining Armor everypony! We will be right back!”

~

Jon smiled as the final commercial break ended for his show. “That's our show! Join us here tomorrow at eleven! Here it is, your Moment of Zen!”

The camera switched to a clip of the crew from Good Morning Equestria. The mare was looking at her laptop, apparently searching for something. “Well, I just looked up Colt-cuddling. It looks like some sort of pornographic website.”

One of the other stallions in the group stared at the screen. “I remember this,” he said, completely forgetting that the cameras were still rolling.

Author's Note

This chapter does not have anything to do with The Coltbert Report continuity other than the politics involved. I just wanted to ponify The Daily Show. Happy Hearts and Hooves (Valentines) Day. This is my gift to you, for better or for worse.

Earth Hiatus

White noise punctured the silence of Colbert's living room. No matter where he tried to sit down and relax, the ambiance did nothing but disquiet him. It was Monday, the beginning of another week of Colbert and Stewart's shenanigans. However, due to the scope of the events that unfolded over the past four days, Colbert sent a letter to his staff and told them that they were all allowed to take a paid vacation for the week. Such an action was going to burn a hole in his wallet, but now that Stephen wasn't completely brain dead and had a night of rest, his mind was on something else.

He was not dreaming. Despite the fact that he was unable to pinch himself with his hooves back in Equestria, the planning, writing, and hiring that took place at his show was all too real for it to be a dream. Stephen placed a hand underneath his chin for a moment as he laid back against the tan upholstery of his couch. He glanced behind him at the hallway that lead to his office before he quickly faced forward. Apparently his offices were the only places that Celestia could send her letters to, and the last thing that he wanted was pandering in order to bring him back to their world.

Stephen looked back at the monolithic television that stood on the oak stand a few yards away from him. The television was on, but no sound came from the device as another car commercial padded out the time between the commercial break and the dry sitcom that was currently on air.

How easy it must be, to simply drain one's thoughts and get lost in the experience of continuous moving pictures. To avoid rational thought while twenty two minutes of screen time and another eight minutes of soulless consumerism filled up the mind like sugar inside of a growing child's stomach. It was a curse, a self-fulfilling prophecy that was unfortunately brought up in the past, but persists into the present, and will no doubt remain in the future.

Stephen blinked as the silent sitcom appeared on the television once more. Unable to handle the stress of the light on his eyes any longer, Colbert turned off the television and set the remote on the nearby glass end table. It made no noise as Colbert leaned back against his couch.

Was it possible, that this world that he just visited, was capable of turning into something that America was already mirroring? Was technology the one thing that turned a country from worshiping friendship and magic into questioning every possible intention? Is it possible to sustain a monarchy while technology continues to advance, allows more information travel, and democratizes ideas that are otherwise incapable of being expressed? Was his one pilot episode the complete opposite of his Earth show? Was he propagandizing Republicolt ideas simply because they were different from the Princess' ideas, or because they were silly? Was he over-thinking this? Of course he was. When science fiction was made possible before his eyes, he couldn't simply forget it.

This world that he got to join was more than just science fiction. It was reality, and he was the only person, out of everyone in the world, that was able to access it. Celestia didn't pick a major political theorist of either hers or his world. She didn't pick someone that was capable of articulating their point without the use of at least a dozen writers. She didn't even pick Jon Stewart, who was adept at articulating his point and defending (what he considered to be) the common good. Jon Stewart was a better debater and writer than Colbert could ever be... and yet... why was he chosen?

A lesson told is a lesson forgotten.

Stephen pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration as he felt his head starting to throb. His other hand slowly moved up to his glasses and he removed them in order to clean them once more. Dirt, sweat, and tears collected on his glasses from the endless amounts of hours that Colbert spent in Equestria. The amount of times that he wiped his eyes in order to remove the tiredness and stress couldn't be counted. He wished that he could wipe away a collection of tears from his eyes right now, but previous events in his marriage gave him the capability to ignore the sadness that flooded over him.

Evelyn scheduled an appointment with the doctor in the middle of the night and attended before Stephen was able to wake up. Because of his tiredness, he slept from eight at night to eleven in the morning. While he felt rested, he didn't feel refreshed. He looked towards the doorway that provided the entrance to the kitchen before he stood up. Maybe some food would be able to bring him out of whatever slump this happened to be. It wasn't a creative slump, since he knew he would be able to write his show when the week was up. It wasn't a tired slump, since he just slept a ridiculous amount of hours and was probably going to be awake for a while. It wasn't a depression, since he knew that he was just simply alone in his house.

Stephen walked into the kitchen and stopped as he marveled at the view. From the Stucco ceiling to the marble tiled floors, the kitchen shined brighter than Celestia's magic, or a diamond if he wanted to reference that overplayed radio song. He walked over to the sink and peeked inside to try and see if there were any dishes that he could clean and put away, possibly some cereal bowls that Evelyn simply couldn't get to because of her appointment and the kids. Alas, there were none, and the aluminum color of the sink reflected the sunlight from the kitchen window into Colbert's face.

He took a step back to avoid the bright rays and turned to the refrigerator. He opened the door and was surprised even more by the contents. Regular cooking ingredients took up the top of the refrigerator. Since it was split up into 4 separate shelves, all of them were occupied with ingredients to cook since Evelyn was not a fan of fast food or ordering out unless it was a special occasion. However, seated on the third shelf was an aluminum tray sealed with foil about three feet long and two feet wide. Inside of the tray sat Stephen's favorite dish: Evelyn's famous stew.

Stephen slowly pulled out the tray and set it down on the counter before he moved through the motions of finding a plate and utensils. As he opened the microwave door, the thump from the microwave door as it disconnected from the main unit made Colbert freeze, his plate barely balanced in his hands. He could hear the door... in his right ear.

Stephen set the place onto the nearby counter and looked to the object that finally made him realize the change. With a shaking hand, he pressed one of the buttons on the microwave and stared intently at it. This couldn't be a dream...

Beep.

Stephen rested his head on the counter and placed his right ear up against the microwave door while his left hand covered his left ear. Another button was pressed.

Beep.

He wasn't dreaming. Stephen's right ear was healed. A huge grin spread across his face as he pressed another button, and then another. Both beeps reverberated through his mind, the sound providing him with unbridled joy. He knew that this could have only come from one figure, and he also knew that he had to thank her now. Colbert swiftly walked from the kitchen into his office and was brought back into reality from the sight.

Around a dozen scrolls were piled on top of each other, each of them sealed with Princess Celestia's golden sticker. Stephen closed the office door behind him, sat down at his desk, and picked up one of the scrolls. He slit the sticker, opened the scroll, and his eyes widened. As if he just opened a web page, the scroll glowed with a golden light as a video began to play.

“Reasonable Response, a member of the Canterlot Royal Guard, was suspended from his duties today when the yearly fitness tests for the Royal Guards were released,” the voice over from a posh mare began. The sophistication and Trottingham accent reminded Colbert of PBS or BBC. He didn't know how to stop or pause the video so that he could write down this information, so he merely continued to watch while a spare thought in the back of his head reminded him that he wasn't interested in this anymore. He wasn't going back.

The scroll's view changed to a light brown mare who was standing outside the Canterlot Castle. She had brown eyes and a white mane that was brushed back into a professional style. One of her hooves held up a microphone and she continued to speak as the wind brushed her mane. “I am standing here outside the Canterlot Castle, where the Royal Guard tests took place.” The mare motioned towards the left side of the castle, where a significant amount of grass from the field was removed and replaced with dirt and sand. Guards were currently doing synchronized tests of agility and stamina, along with a few hoof wrestling contests when some of the guards were bored and done with their tests. The camera turned back to the mare, who was holding two pieces of paper in her other forehoof.

“As you can see here, the Royal Guard tests are different depending on what race is taking the test. Unicorns are tested on college level offensive and defensive spells, along with a ground race and agility course. Pegasi are given a flying test and a running test, both of which include obstacle courses. Earth ponies are given a strength and agility test, which is what Reasonable Response performed. He failed the agility test after he broke one of the course hoops that he was supposed to jump through and failed the strength test.

“Reasonable Response released a statement today which stated that the Royal Guard did not give him time in order to prepare for the tests, since they were last minute announcements. He said that the last test was six months ago, so he should have had six more months to train. He also said that the ponies that are sent to test the Royal Guards are not always consistent, and usually do not know what they are doing.

“The Royal Guard released their own statement on the same day which stated that the Royal Guard's tests are representative of their lowest standards for a guard, so Reasonable Response should have been able to pass it. If he didn't, then that just means that Reasonable Response has been cheating the system by working out until the test and letting himself go right after he passes. The Canterlot Royal Guard also said that their judges are always different every few years to avoid any sort of corruption in the test process.

“A lot of ponies asked the Royal Guard about their decision to make the tests biannual, and they stated that a clerical error pointed out the possibility that the last Canterlot Royal Guard test could have been rigged or corrupted. The Guard decided to spring a last minute test in order to make sure that all their guards were physically and mentally fit. While Reasonable Response was kicked from the Guard, he is not banned, and is able to apply when the next test comes around. Some members of the press have been spreading rumors that the Guard created a last minute test because of the latest television show on the Canterlot Comedy Network: The Coltbert Report. Despite the rumors, the Royal Guard hasn't released anything considering the Coltbert rumor. This has been New Story, Canterlot Equestria.”

The scroll's glow died down and Colbert blinked before he set the scroll down on the desk's pile. He leaned back against his chair and let out a small laugh as he stared at the ceiling. “I'll be damned... it actually worked.”

While Colbert's show on Earth was one of substance that pointed out the problems of the American political system, it usually never affected anything in his home world. Everyone was either too cemented in their beliefs to accept the differing opinions of his show, or the public avoided bringing up his name since he knew that it was a hot button topic. Whether it was his speech at the White House Correspondent's Dinner, or his testify for the United Farm Workers, none of his actions really gained any ground in the news cycle. He didn't know if it was because his actions were boring, or because they were scared of his audacious decisions. Either way, this was new.

A different world from his own was slowly morphing into something familiar in his eyes. Ponies were accepting the freedom that came with decision and questioning the tradition that ran their country. His opinion over this shift filled him up with ambivalence, the same kind that permeated up his gut when he recorded an episode of The Colbert Report. He was the Dungeon Master. He had the capability to point ponies towards any opinion that was in power. Whether it was Celestia, Faux News, or his own opinion, if one segment of his was able to bring up something in the Celestian government that was missed and cause it to be rectified, he wondered the extent of this power. Colbert paused and looked back towards the opened scroll. He was getting ahead of himself. There was no way that his show caused such a reception. It could have been a fluke. Maybe the Royal Guards announced the test because there is the possibility of war that the government has to train for? Or... maybe he was over-thinking this... again. He looked back to another one of his scrolls, picked it up, slit open the sticker, and unraveled it.

An epic combination of orchestra music introduced the clip as numerous visual cues transitioned each other. After a few seconds, the title of the show was introduced: Consistent Opinions. Colbert blinked a few times and turned towards the television in his office. While the stallion on the scroll thanked the viewers for tuning in to watch, Colbert rummaged around in his office desk drawers until he found the remote to his office television. A press of the power button and a few other presses brought The O'Reilly Factor onto the screen. Colbert muted the television, turned back to the scroll, and picked it up. He stood up from his chair and placed the scroll parallel to the television. He couldn't believe his eyes. That made two senses that he couldn't believe were working properly.

Consistent Opinion's show matched The O'Reilly Factor to a tee. The visual representation of the city behind the host, the Talking Points Commentary (but in this case, the name changed to “Opinion Reel”), and the pasty white host with a judgmental posture all occupied the two videos. Colbert quickly turned the television off and laughed a few times at the absurdity as he sat back down in his chair, the scroll back in his face.

“This morning, I would like to bring up the new television show that has popped up on the radar in Canterlot. Apparently the show has been created in no less than three days, which is a good assumption as to the quality of it. On the Canterlot Comedy Network, a new show called The Coltbert Report has spawned, a fake news television show that seems to gather a significant amount of resemblances to my own show. It also seems to want to get a lot of attention on its first episode by insulting somepony who you all know: me. Now, I'm sure a lot of you are guessing that I would be enraged at a show that decided to take a shot at me. Let's take a look. Roll the clip.”

The camera view shifted to Coltbert's Tip of the Hat and Wag of the Hoof segment. Colbert almost dropped the scroll. Was this what he looked like? This was presented on the television screen in Equestria? Compared to the 3D rendering of video games and movies in this day and age, this video looked archaic even though it was made a few days ago. Stephen could feel a headache starting to pool in his head as he tried to piece together the realistic anomalies that formed on this scroll in front of him. With another sigh, he closed his eyes as his show clip ended. His headache was going to turn into a migraine if he kept focusing on the anomalies.

Consistent Opinions looked up from the screen that he used to monitor the broadcast of his show and he chuckled a little bit. “Well, as you can see, Stephen Coltbert took a few shots at me because of my opinions, which I'm sure a lot of you can say are consistently right.” C.O smiled due to his trademark phrase. “Now, you know me, I'm a funny guy, I can take a joke. But, you also know that I am a very curious person. When it comes to seeing what Princess Celestia is up to, I will stop at nothing to get my information.

“As you no doubt guessed, I was able to get my information last night while I listened to the rerun of The Coltbert Report on mute (as if there is any other way to watch it). I find this very interesting. There is no web site created for the show, even though nearly every show, whether it takes off or not, usually makes one. I also found next week's lineup of shows interesting. Go ahead and put that up on the camera.”

The view switched to a screen capture of Canterlot Comedy Network's web site and their online schedule for next week. Comedy Shows such as “Big Macintosh: Live in Canterlot” and “Two and a Half Mares” occupied the time slot for The Coltbert Report next week. C.O continued. “As you can see here, The Coltbert Report does not plan on continuing next week, which means one of two things. Either they did not get enough views to have the show confirmed for additional episodes, or the show was only planned to have one episode. Considering the esoteric comedy that the writers tried to accomplish, I'm not surprised if it's the first one. Nevertheless, I'm going to be the bigger stallion here and allow the show to drift off into irrelevance, much like the Princess that probably funded this charade. Now, we are going to take a quick commercial break, but we will be right back with more Consistent Opinons.”

The glow from the scroll died down once more as the orchestral arrangement played out the host and Colbert placed the scroll back on his desk. He stared ahead at his office door as he tried to gather his thoughts. What were his first reactions? Amusement, sure. It was interesting to see a pony like O'Reilly inside of a world that was different from America, but still capable to spawn such creations. Anger, sure he felt that too. After all, while Coltbert made sure to stick to his sarcastic humor, Consistent Opinions was doing the complete opposite. While he did stick true to the eponymous nature of his show, C.O's desire to make sure that Stephen's show was completely squashed reeked of desperation. While it wasn't in his pompous demeanor, the ear of an interviewer can sense the desperation from a mile, or in this case, a world away.

Colbert wanted to prove this stallion wrong, show that he had the capability to create another show and combat the simple dismissal of his own. Just because it only ran for one episode, doesn't make it any less valid. Colbert turned the scroll on its back and grabbed a pen. The text on the back of the scroll told him all that he needed to know. The text read, “Write on the back of this if you want to contact me. Draw a line through the back if you want it destroyed.”

She wanted this. These video clips were her last ditch attempts to get him back on board with the continuation of his program. He set the pen down on his desk and leaned back in his chair. The back of his head pounded with the intensity of Celestia's magic. Colbert realized his comparison and let out a small laugh even though it reverberated through his throbbing head. Perhaps she already had him, and he was just being defiant.

Colbert picked up his office phone and dialed a familiar number before he used the hand to rummage through his office drawers once more. He had to have some headache relief medicine somewhere.

“Hello?”

“Hey Jon. I need your help on something.”

“If the marker shows a cross, you're screwed.”

“You idiot, I'm Catholic. I don't use birth control,” Stephen replied with a smile as he finally found the elusive pills. He popped a few into his mouth and swallowed them dry as he rested his legs on the desk. “I'm serious though. This isn't a regular shitty day. I... think I need to take a hiatus from everything for a while.”

There was a pause.

“What do you mean Stephen? Your ratings couldn't be any higher! I mean... I don't control your show, even though I'm able to.”

“I've just,” Stephen paused as he looked at the pile of scrolls on his desk. “Okay, it's harder to explain since you aren't here, but I'll try my best. I've... been contacted by a demigod-like power from another dimension that wishes to use my show in their world.”

Another pause.

“You know your insurance covers CAT scans, right?”

Stephen let out a sigh. He wasn't really in the mood to have to prove his words to his best friend, since his wife apparently didn't even believe him. “Can we drop the jokes for a few seconds? I'm being serious here.”

“Um... okay? I don't mean to piss you off... I trust you and all, but this just... seems a little too Tokienesque for my taste.”

Stephen rubbed one side of his temples. “Yeah, I know. Only problem is... I already did it.”

“Wait, what?”

“I already went over there. I was actually picked up from my house, and transported to their world.”

“How the...”

Colbert had a feeling that Jon wanted to make a pot joke, but decided against it. Usually Stephen stopped joking at the third or fourth response, which is what confused Jon. To Jon, this couldn't be true, but he knew that his friend wouldn't lie to him. He continued. “How did you... did you make a show? Another Colbert?”

“Yes.”

“And you did it by yourself?”

“Not completely. The demigod-like power already sent out resumes for interviews before she asked me.”

“You know that doesn't sound right... right? I mean, I don't know anything about what you did in that world... and I'm only
guessing that you are telling the truth because you don't take jokes this far... but you know that when someone sets you up with the materials to make a show, you have to be careful of their intentions. You had complete creative control?”

“Yes.”

“Unlimited budget?”

“Almost. I told her that I wanted a set budget so that I didn't overspend.”

“She offered to give you an unlimited budget? You know what that means? Nowhere in America will you be given an unlimited budget. Where the hell were you?”

Stephen sighed. “Have you ever heard of a place called Equestria?”

Another pause. “No... no way.”

“Yes.”

“No freaking way!”

“Yes Jon. Yes way.”

“What, did the power write you into her terrible fan fiction or something?”

“It's something, not sure if it's fan fiction though since I'm actually there.”

If a dollar was provided for every pause in this conversation, Colbert had a feeling that they could end world hunger at this point. Jon continued. “Alright Stephen, I guess you did the show. That's probably why you were gone the whole weekend. Thank you for telling me, I was getting kind of worried.”

“You're smothering me Jon,” Colbert responded with a smile. He got a laugh in return from his friend.

“You know what I mean. Anyway, you still haven't told me why you even cared to go. Why would you do your show in a different place when you could have just waited until next week and do it back on Earth?”

Colbert looked at the pile of scrolls. A lesson told is a lesson forgotten. “Jon, if you had the ability to prevent multi-billion dollar corporations from seizing control of a country, would you do it?”

“Back when I made The Daily Show? No. I think you are over-thinking this a little bit Stephen. I'm a comedian first, I'm not a journalist-”

“But what if you could be one? What if, your show had more of a presence somewhere else than it does here? What if you could create government actions from your segments, and prevent a different world from your own from becoming the consumerist culture that you are now living in?”

“I think that... if you put it that way... you have power that no one in America will ever be able to handle. I doubt even I could handle it. You can make or break that country, assuming you do this. If I had the choice, I wouldn't do it.”

Colbert flipped over the scroll that contained the Consistent Opinions footage and drew a line through it with his pen. The scroll flashed a bright yellow light before it disintegrated on the desk. He nodded his head, unraveled the Royal Guard scroll, and prepared to draw a line through that one as well before Jon began again. “But, it depends on how much you are willing to devote to this country. If you do this, the line between being a comedian and being a journalist can be blurred. When I write my show, I pick and choose certain things to make fun of. If you are preventing a country from collapsing, you have to focus on important things and make them funny, no matter how hard it is.”

Colbert nodded his head. “I feel like if I don't do this, I'm missing out on an opportunity to be more than a pundit. I can change something, rather than sit behind a desk and laugh at it.”

“Just to let you know, I am perfectly fine with just sitting behind a desk and laughing at what goes on around me. But then again, I haven't done the things that you have done, Mr. White House Correspondent's Dinner.”

Stephen smiled as he placed the pen point on top of the scroll. “Thanks Jon. I think I've made my decision. If I need any more help from you, I'll definitely call.”

“So, does this mean you are going?”

“I guess so. Maybe just for one more episode. But then again, that's what I told Comedy Central back when I first made the Report. As of this month, I'm taking a hiatus.”

“Alrighty man, if you say so. I'll be available if you need anything. But you know that the media is going to follow you around if you go on hiatus without saying anything?”

Stephen let out a small laugh. “I don't really care at this point. Don't let America burn down while I'm gone.”

“No promises.”

“Alright Jon. See you later.”

“Later.”

Stephen hung up the phone and looked back towards the scroll that he was going to write on. He heard the front door close and he quickly scrawled “We need to talk” on the scroll. As the footsteps became louder and closer towards his office, Colbert quickly shoveled all of the scrolls underneath his desk while the written scroll disappeared into thin air. He turned towards the door and could feel his heart skipping in his chest as the doorknob slowly turned. He knew who was home, he had to prepare for another argument. Evelyn opened the door to his office and the both of them exchanged a glance. Colbert smiled. “Hey Honey. How was the doctor visit?”

His wife frowned before she stepped into the office and closed the door behind her. “It was fine. Apparently, watching your husband appear in front of you is a sign of psychosis. That's what the doctor said. I would have believed him, if it wasn't for this.” Evelyn pulled out one of the Celestian scrolls and allowed it to unravel in front of her as she held it at arm's length in front of her. The Clean Spring interview started to play on the scroll. “Is this what you are doing? A cartoon?”

Stephen walked over to his wife and held out his hand for the scroll, although he still kept a smile on his face. “Not exactly... I mean. Just let me explain.”

“I'm listening.”

Stephen started to speak, but his voice suddenly failed him. The room started to brighten as his body glowed with golden magic. Stephen's eyes widened and he took a few steps back while he continued to glow brighter and brighter.

Oh god dammit!

He ran over to his desk to try and send another scroll. He needed time! He couldn't let this happen in front of his wife!

Evelyn growled and tackled Stephen over the desk and onto the floor. “Oh no you don't!” she said as she held him on the ground. The magic spread over her body as the two of them glowed brighter and brighter. Evelyn tried to speak, but her mouth wouldn't move. She grabbed Colbert's collar and shook him a few times as the two of them started to disappear. With a large bang, the two of them disappeared from the office, not a single mark on the floor.

~

Madeline surveyed the hallways as she closed the door behind her. “Hello?” she asked as she walked through the hallway. “Anyone home?” Madeline stopped and turned towards Stephen's ajar office door. She peeked inside and saw the tan scroll on the floor in front of the door. She popped an ear bud out of her ear and picked up the scroll. As it unraveled in front of her and began to play, she grabbed the other side of the scroll with her other hand and raised an eyebrow. “Since when did Dad do cartoons?” she asked. Madeline peeked out into the living room before she smirked and closed the office door behind her. She walked behind the desk and bent down to pick up another scroll. "What the hell is Dad up to?"

Author's Note

This took me forever to do.