Migraines

Chapters

Chapter One Part Two
Chapter One Part Three
Chapter One Part Five
Chapter One Part Six
Chapter One Part Seven
Chapter One Part Eight
Chapter One Part Nine
Chapter One Part Ten
Chapter Two Part One
Chapter Two Part Two
Chapter Two Part Three
Chapter Two Part Four
Chapter Two Part Five
Chapter Two Part Six
Chapter Two Part Seven
Chapter Two Part Eight
Chapter Two Part Nine
Chapter One Part One
Chapter One Part Four
Later Scene (Incomplete)

Chapter One Part Two

“Thanks,” Raspberry said, “By the way, you are?”

The cowpony said something in response and then smiled. Raspberry saw the cowpony’s lips move, and he seemed to hear some sound. Yet something didn’t happen or didn’t register. It seemed to Raspberry almost as if some kind of unseen censor had garbled the world— perhaps like a swear word said on network television.

“Raspberry Star,” the colt said, “I’m sorry to say that I ain’t got much more time. So I’ll need to be brief, partner. But don’t worry. Four things, now…”

Raspberry opened his mouth and the cowpony immediately placed his right hoof on it.

“I know, I know,” said the cowboy, cracking a big smile and curling his head around, “But all you need to do is trust your instincts, partner! First, don’t worry. I know how you can get back home. You need to use the same thing, the same material, same power… and it’s that legendary gem. In this world, it takes the form of that fabled gem. It’s in that special amulet. You know the gem I’m talkin’ ‘bout.”

Dammit, don’t be so vague! If it’s the only way I can get home, than be specific! Give me the name of it! A time! A place! “But what—” Raspberry began.

“It won’t be hard,” the cowpony declared, suddenly appearing deadly serious. He grabbed Raspberry by the collar until their faces were inches away. “It ain’t gonna be hard to get it. Just a little journey. Trust me. But ONLY you can get it. It’ll ONLY work for you. It’ll ONLY open things up if YOU’RE the one and you LOOK for it first— then it will accept you.”

“Okay,” Raspberry squeaked, feeling seriously intimidated for the first time. ‘Open’ WHAT up! And how the hell am I supposed to find something so secret? How does it ‘work’?

“Trust your instinct and it’ll lead you straight there,” the cowpony went on, “But second, don’t tell the truth to anyone. Be evasive. Be careful. Tease out what you’re looking for and don’t be too direct.” The cowpony tapped Raspberry’s chest. “Most importantly, don’t let anyone figure out where you REALLY came from and what you REALLY ARE.”

That doesn’t make any sense at all. Why wouldn’t they help me? I would help them if the shoe was on the other… hoof. Raspberry started to say something but stopped.

“Third, you know that you’re lucky enough to be the first of us over here, partner,” said the cowpony, “The very first. And that fact— along with exactly HOW you got copied into this world’s form— means that you’ll be easily bringing even more of our friends over, over the crossin’ that is. I’ve been dealing with some… difficulties with that personally.”

“I… was copied… into the form?” Raspberry stammered, “Friends? What friends?”

“Forth, and biggest of all,” the cowpony said, “Stay away from the nobility. Celestia, Luna, Blueblood, all of them. Just steer clear, partner. They’ll see through you like wet underpants.”

Who the hell are those bastards? I don’t care! If they can get me home, then OBVIOUSLY I’ll talk to them, geez… Raspberry stared silently back at the cowpony.

“Worry most about the special six. Six close friends. I don’t know their names yet, but they’re the ponies with the harmony elements. If they trip you up, you can and should take them out. Because if they find you, they’ll power up their elements and if they hit you— they WILL kill you,” the cowpony said.

“No!” Raspberry said, looking away. He stepped away from the cowpony. Raspberry noticed his backpack floating besides the cowpony, and he grabbed it out of the air. Suddenly, Raspberry heard a brisk laugh.

“H-he-he-hey, partner!” the cowpony said, and then he playfully dug at the bit of rubble beneath him, “Ooooh howdy, I ain’t figurin’ this out. You really don’t believe me?” The cowpony, grinning from ear to ear, looked straight at Raspberry. Raspberry defiantly stared back.

“Tell you what. Imagine in your mind’s eye, the reverse situation,” the cowpony said. He walked over to Raspberry and put a friendly hoof over Raspberry’s shoulder. “Picture a talking pony with human intelligence and skill that has the hair and outfit of a 70s pop/rock superstar. Now picture him walking right out of the Sears Tower lobby right onto Wacker Drive. What happens?”

Raspberry gulped.

“That’s right. First, comes the police. Screams of horror. Batons on backsides. Handcuffs on hooves. Second, Homeland Security. Bags without eyeholes. Black vans. Then, there’s a six by six clear plastic cell—” the cowpony’s voice grew more and more intense as he went on, teeth clenching, “With reinforced tubes and multicolored wires leading into it. As well as a little, scared pony pissing itself as a white gloved hand inserts a long, freezing-cold needle into his warm flesh. HE is now an ‘IT’. The MIT specimen number one zero zero one.”

Raspberry suppressed a soft whine. His face looked as white as a sheet. “I… understand,” he muttered, “I won’t let the ponies hurt me for being human.”

The cowpony grabbed Raspberry. The two of them almost seemed to almost float down the hallway towards a big hole in the side. In just a few seconds, they were outside. They took several steps away from the hospital remains towards a massive field.

“Thanks,” Raspberry said, looking out at the blue sky and green grass. It all seemed so idyllic. He couldn’t even spot a single cloud.

“I believe that this is yours,” the cowpony said, placing the lapel Raspberry had been thinking about right back onto Raspberry’s suit. Raspberry made a big smile. “Just consider this a token of our future together, partner! Maybe like a… business card for you and me…” Raspberry nodded.

The cowpony suddenly kicked back on his hind legs. He flung his front hooves into the air, and the backsides of his vest opened up with noise of two loud zippers. Two gigantic wings each the size of Raspberry’s entire body sprang out. The cowpony flew right up above Raspberry, making a loud swoosh.

“Remember!” yelled the cowpony as it flung straight up, “Instinct! Instinct tells you where to go! Instinct tells you friend! Instinct tells you foe! Don’t wait, defend yourself! Use your instinct!”

The voice trailed off. After just a few seconds, Raspberry could only see a baseball sized speck in the sky. The cowpony suddenly stopped. *BOOM* Raspberry was knocked back. He saw a trail of thick black smoke heading straight through the air, from his left to his right.

That’s… impressive. Thank goodness he didn’t offer me a ride with him. Just the first heights would kill. I think I would literally vomit my brains out. Raspberry picked himself back up, and he put his right hoof to his eyes to look in the distance.

He detected what seemed like a road just straight up head of him. He sauntered ahead, and time seemed to simply breeze on by. Well, okay, whatever I need to do I’ll just do it. Maybe he was lying half the time. Maybe almost all of the time. But I can tell. Something… something tells me he wasn’t lying about some gem being able to send me back. I can feel it. I can almost see it in my mind. No, I CAN see it in my mind. I have this… outline I guess, deep in my subconscious. I basically had it before. Somehow, I just can’t remember… The road grew and grew on the horizon. In just a few minutes, he had made it.

He took a small step onto the road, paused, and then turned himself around facing left. Row after row of ancient looking oak trees jutted themselves out over the cobblestones as far as he could see. The light breeze fluttered the messes of branches upon branches and leaves upon leaves. Stray clumps of grass pitter-pattered over the road, and the occasional dark green leaf whirled around in the sky above.

“I guess there are a lot worse places to be stranded in,” he muttered. He glanced behind himself and then turned back over again. No people or ponies or carts or cars or anything else was on the road. “Better than a Martian desert or some freaking thing… but just as FREAKING DESERTED.”

He plopped himself down on the side of the road. Okay, am I walking? That answers itself. No, I sure as hell am not walking. He bounced back upwards, and he took a deep breath.

“HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY ANYBODY!” he screamed, “Or anypony! Anything!”

Nothing was there but the trees. They looked to him as if they had spent a thousand years watching far more interesting things then him. Look, something has to happen. Something has to happen… Something… Has got to happen… Something…

*Crack* His ears perked up, and he squinted off into the distance. *Crack Crack* He had bad enough distance vision with his own human eyes— let alone as some transmogrified human-x-pony thing with slightly bent frames from Sam’s Club. Raspberry saw something purple that also included something blue on top and some brown frame in front of it beside some gray dot. Good enough!

“Hey guys! Uh, hey colts! Fillies! Mares! Horses! Whatever!” he yelled, to no answer, “Well then…”

“Well… then…” he said. He jumped over on one leg, and then hopped over to the other leg— going again and again. “I’m singing. Yes indeed, I’m singing. I’m singing you ponies will be coming back to ME. Because they’re places I’d rather BE. And I really need some ANSWER. Cuz’ I’m not much of a PRANCER.”

He dropped down to his knees. “So I’m not going to walk to the next TOWN. That would give me too much of a FROWN. And I hope that… singing…” He raised his voice, clutched his hooves, and then shot his hooves straight into the air. “Will appeal to you kiddy ponies besides… BEGGING!”

Because you stupid ponies love to sing, and of course either Neil Diamond or Michael Bolton is going to show up any moment now— for their ‘guest single’… He took his glasses off, tried to bend them more into shape, and then put them back on again. A large, nicely decorated brown cart— looking by its size and shape like the pony-version of the Chevy Blazer— moved down the road with three ponies inside. A dark gray colt with thick salt and pepper hair and a tuxedo almost exactly like Raspberry’s sat on a bench inside. Two light blue fillies with long, silvery blue manes wearing plain looking white dresses sat on the opposing bench.

They all seemed to be in pretty high spirits. The gigantic gray mule pulling the cart with oversized eyes and ruddy hair had a flat, emotionless expression. It looked to be around two and a half times Raspberry’s size. In what seemed like just a few seconds, the cart was parked alongside Raspberry.

“Well, hello there!” said the colt, poking his head as far out of the cart as possible without him actually falling over, “Where do you happen to be heading off to?”

“Home,” Raspberry flatly replied, “Hopefully.” Dear sweet goodness hopefully…

“Where is that, I’m so curious now,” asked the blue filly. She looked a bit younger than her similarly colored companion at a second glance.

“Through hyperspace and o’er the universal fabric, I believe,” Raspberry narrated in an overdramatic fashion, waving his hooves around. Boy, now I know how the Doctor feels.

“Well I—” started the colt.

“Look, seriously,” said Raspberry, “I just need to get the nearest town. You know, a big city. Where I can ask for help with some things and have a place to stay.”

“Hop aboard!” said the younger filly, poking her head out of the side of the cart for the first time. She cracked an enormous smile.

“Thank goodness,” Raspberry said, and he allowed himself to smile back for the first time since the transformation. He ambled up the small stair set on the back of the cart, which protruded about half way between the wheel wells and the ground. He took a seat on the bench beside the younger filly. He let out a nice sigh to finally be off of his hooves and onto the comfy pinkish white cloth.

“Would you please?” barked the colt. The huge gray mule made a soft grunt, and then the cart started moving again. Raspberry looked back down the road, and it seemed even a more beautiful sight than before. It feels like Disneyland, almost. I haven’t had a nice ride in the countryside since… whenever…

After they had picked up a little speed, he scooted himself down over to the front of the cart. He leaned out and glanced at the mule. He looked back at the colt. The colt seemed to have this ever present stupid expression on his face— as if he was getting drunk on his own self-importance.

“So,” Raspberry said, “This may be a very stupid question but here goes. Why is he there, and we’re up here. Obviously, he’s stronger because he’s, you know, but any of us could just as easy pull us…”

The colt made a half-laugh, like a subdued squeak, and fluttered his hooves in the air for a moment. He then continued to look out the side of the cart blankly. The two fillies seemed entirely preoccupied with viewing the misadventures of a wayward goose discovering a small pond to notice anything else.

Raspberry heard the colt mutter, “Ha, because that’s what they do.” Raspberry moved back over to the front of the cart. What the hell is this? Apartheid South Africa? He stuck his head out the front, noticing that the horizon was ending.

“Hey there—” he began.

“Oh don’t worry,” boomed the mule, with a voice that seemed to Raspberry like a cross between James Earl Jones and Nathan Fillion, “When this baby hits that drop you’re going to see some serious stuff.”

Raspberry went on, “Some wh— AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!”

The cart hurled straight down the drop. All four horses flew back and pancaked on top of each other at the back of the cart. Raspberry felt his heart pounding almost through his suit.

“Isn’t it fun, sir?” the younger filly squeaked. The cart careened left— swinging them all left and scrunching them together— and it then snapped right— scrunching them over on the other side. Raspberry’s eyes focused like a laser beam on the mule ahead of them, who was galloping hard.

The cart swung up and then down. It went left and right again. Raspberry felt himself going into some kind of shock. The older filly suddenly grabbed his right hoof.

“Wonderful, isn’t it sir?” she asked. Raspberry let out a breath.

Suddenly, everything halted. The horses slid down across the benches, and Raspberry found himself prostrated on the middle of the floor. He quickly brought himself back up.

“Welcome to Coltsville,” said the mule, “Please watch your step getting off.”

The two fillies and the colt bounced out, by now totally oblivious to Raspberry’s mere presence. He peeked out of the cart and glanced around at all of the nondescript gray brick buildings. Around a dozen or so horses were walking this way and that. Raspberry stepped down out of the cart, measuring each step carefully.

“So,” he said, turning over to the mule, “How did you get this job anyway and how is it? Nice pay?”

The mule shook his head around in a circle. “It’s not the pay my friend, it’s the deluxe— and oh boy do I mean deluxe— vacation benefits. Plus, I have it all worked out exactly,” the mule said, cracking a smile, “It’s a full seventy-seven point seven percent downhill in this route. And guess whose shift covers one hundred percent of that seventy-seven point seven percent?”

“Good one,” Raspberry said. Maybe being in pony-world is going to be a lot less weird and a lot more normal than I thought. He looked up, and then around. He was in a pretty vacant and gray looking place with the road and the sprawling countryside behind and almost nothing but brick walls in front of him. He walked up into the gigantic empty alleyway.

He started walking over to this booth about fifty feet away with a big blue sign saying ‘Information’. A very tall and very scrawny red colt with a red and white striped hat and a cream colored shirt rested his head on his hooves and stared at the brick wall to his right, looking bored to tears.

Raspberry placed his hooves on the table. He said, "Hello..."

The colt made a sudden 180 turn and gazed right at Raspberry, inches away from his face.

“WELCOME. TO. COLTSVILLE!” announced the colt, bucking back onto his hind legs. The colt suddenly popped a batch of rainbow colored glitter and streamers into Raspberry’s face. The colt produced a party favor and blew in it, again smacking Raspberry on the face.

“Yay,” Raspberry said flatly.

“Here’s your official map,” said the colt as he smacked a pamphlet on Raspberry’s right hoof, “To COLTSVILLE.” The colt leaned down a bit and suddenly seemed to be rubbing Raspberry’s neck with his hat. Both of them froze in place.

“Coltsville…” Raspberry repeated.

The colt went on, “Home of musician sensation Velvet Crush. The pony with a thousand jams. And to the third largest shopping district in Equestria. And the very biggest factory complex in Equestria. And the ONLY ‘World of the dragons’ museum.”

Raspberry blinked, and then blinked again. He couldn't even begin to know what to say.

The colt moved his head up and positioned himself right beside Raspberry’s right ear. The colt said in a calm, reserved voice, “And, since we’re both grown-ups here and we know you’re...” The colt patted Raspberry’s fine white suit and golden lapel. “An elite patron of city travel— I’m proud to say we have the very largest red light district in all of Equestria. If you want the complete experience, head straight over to ‘Sapphires’.”

Yeah, I don’t care how pretty or how experienced they are. I don’t think some Escort Sluthooves will play with my mutant human-x-pony member. “Thanks,” Raspberry said, stepping away from the booth. He sauntered himself over to the left side, further down the alleyway. What a dreary place… I don’t see anything… and where the hell is everybody?

“Sir!” yelled the colt. Raspberry looked back.

“You—” the colt bounced up in the air. “Need—” He spread all of his hooves out in a power-stance. “To—” He locked his front hooves together. “Go—” He spun around in place like a mini tornado. “THATAWAY!” He hurled himself towards the right side, falling out of the booth.

Raspberry noticed that the endless brick walls ended in a truly humongous dark brown door. It stood around twenty feet high by twenty feet wide. Intricate looking metal poles, nubs, and dull spikes littered all across it. Hmm… To keep out dragons, maybe? Raspberry walked right up.

Do I say the secret word or something? He gave the door a soft tap with his right hoof, and he heard a gentle creak. He pushed again and the doors swung right open.

Chapter One Part Three

“Oh… WOW!” he said. He saw an immense market street, the kind he hadn’t seen for years since he moved out of Chicago. Pony after pony after pony packed the premises. He saw all varieties of colors, of sizes, of ages, of dresses, of shirts, of skirts, of hats, and everything else he could ever dream of putting on a pony. Most of them looked at least vaguely like a normal domesticated pony, but around one out of four sported either a set of wings or a horn.

Raspberry glanced over rightward. A group of five mares circled around a beautiful greenish-white filly wearing a jewel filled dress of intricate folds and layers. She reminded Raspberry of a peacock. She swooshed her a very long, flowing white mane that almost seemed to sparkle. Raspberry glanced to his upper-right. A pink pony wearing nothing but a tall black top hat assembled cupcake after cupcake after cupcake on a huge rotating display. Raspberry glanced to his left. A crimson colt popped out of what looked like a barrel filled with long socks and then waved the socks at semi-shocked passerby.

Raspberry stepped forward into the crowd, and he immediately got smacked into by two small fillies running about. He took a few more steps, and then a large colt shoved him over right. Raspberry moved over to the side of the road, and then he took a wrong step on the cobblestones that tumbled him flat on the ground.

“This is why. I do not like. Large cities,” Raspberry said to himself. He checked all over to make sure that his outfit was okay. A little dirt there, a little dirt there... It was nothing he couldn’t brush off. He walked up to a very young looking and very small bluish-white filly with bushy, fluffy blue hair, who sat beside five huge crates of apples.

“Hello there!” Raspberry said.

“Hi!” she said in a very squeaky voice, “Want some apples?”

“Do I! I haven’t eaten anything since the, um, unpleasantness,” he said. Inter-universe travel I mean… I wonder if I even still have a human stomach anyways. Well, damn, I feel hungry. That’s good enough.

“So here you g—” he began, then he suddenly froze. He looked down at the wallet in his hooves. He held so many cards and bills. “Okay… so Visa is out of the question. Mastercard. Dollars. All of that. Obviously!”

He rested his head on his right hoof. Ooooooooooooooooh… crap. I guess I could barter with what I have in my backpack or maybe…

“It’s only two bits for four apples!” she said, making a big smile and pointing her left hoof in the air.

“Bits? That’s interesting,” he replied, “I get that currency could be used in the context of stored, computerized information. More memory space or something means more wealth of yours is being stored. I assume that you say ‘bit’ as a colloquial term for like gigabyte unit of space or something?”

“Um,” she said, tapping her head with her left hoof, “Bit. It’s like money. You know, like it’s… like… money. Those little shiny metal things.”

“I don’t have those,” he said. She shrugged, and then she moved her head down as if to make Bambi eyes.

Raspberry opened his mouth to say something else, but then he suddenly stopped. When his lips closed, this grimy, metallic taste filled his mouth. Then these other sensations began. They felt subtle at first, but it seemed almost as his blood slowly filled with mercury. A dull pain began to throb behind both of his eyes. He felt like steel braces popped up inside his spine. This is… what… wait, what I am thinking… Strange little whispers filled his ears.

“Well!” said Raspberry, suddenly snapping at the filly, “Look at you, and all you silly little hooved twerps.” He stood up and pointed all around the market, raising his voice slightly. “And I’m going to starve— STARVE— since you idiots are retarded enough to use a gold standard. Well, really. REALLY?”

Raspberry leaned down and looked right at the filly. “You know just how STUPID that sounds? What, when you ponies are all walking around NAKED most of the time— you use metal, clanging, bunch of pieces of things as money. They would fall right out of your pockets when you put them on your big, awkward pony bodies. What happens when you have to buy a car or something?” Raspberry asked, and he clenched his teeth.

“Uhh,” the filly muttered, looking back blankly.

“Do you carry a barrel’s worth of bits on a pack mule then? And what happens when you pay your rent? And how would you even STORE these things? You’d always be afraid of them being swiped,” he sputtered.

The filly’s face scrunched, and her eyes narrowed.

“And what, a gold standard? Really?” he asked, “You hooved gasbags are going to tie your entire macroeconomic stability to a freaking rock where— in any moment— some pony miner can come up with a big score and devalue your savings? You’re going to keep your money supply hostage? And what happens when there’s some kind of shock?”

The filly sniffed.

“You hooved idiots probably don’t know that WE, in our superior wisdom, have allowed fiat money ever since Bretton Woods ended,” he said.

“Mister,” she said in an exasperated voice, “If you want an apple so badly then you can just have one.”

He picked up a green apple from the crate beside them. Then, he tossed it to the ground. “Oh, great, the hooved twerps will be NICE to you when you’re MEAN to them,” he said, and he leaned in right to her face.

“That’s why you’ve never amounted to anything. That’s why WE’RE the ones with the particle accelerators and Martian rovers. And you ponies know it. That’s why you will never amount to anything. You’re nothing compared to us," he said. He pressed his hoof against her chest. “NOTHING!”

Her eyes teared up, and she burst out crying. Raspberry stepped back, surprised.

“No wait. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean it. I really didn’t mean it,” he rattled off, waving his arms around her head, “Sweetie. Honey. Please. I really don’t know what came over me. REALLY! I’ll buy your apple. I’ll trade you for it. I’ll work for you for it. I’ll pay you in… something. I promise! I really care that you said I could have it for free! It really means a lot to me!”

She un-scrunched her face and the tears stopped. Raspberry sat down. What the hell was that? It’s like it was me talking, but it wasn’t me talking. I was somehow just sitting there watching me, talking. As if it was not me. But it was me. Wasn’t it? But I didn’t heard that in the same voice— my voice. That literally sounded in my head like another person’s voice. Raspberry panted. The cowpony had said “our friends”…

Raspberry felt himself thrown down on the ground as if by some invisible force. He tried to scream, but he couldn’t. He recognized this particular feeling, though. It was very much like a full blown migraine. He saw glowing, shimmering spots all over. Every ray of sunlight felt like an arrow piercing him. The pain behind his eyes escalated to the point that it seemed like screwdrivers into his retinas. He screamed something, but he couldn’t hear his own voice anymore.

“Mister! MISTER!” the filly yelled, and she spread herself over him as he writhed on the ground. As he opened his eyes, she stared straight into them. “Praise Celestia! Mister, are you going to be okay? Do you need a doctor? Your eyes are like— sparkly!”

Raspberry suddenly came to. For a moment, everything went fuzzy and white. It was as if he was coming out of a huge Styrofoam wrapper. He opened his eyes. Everything seemed normal.

A small crowd of about eight or so horses had enveloped him. The filly held his head with a motherly cradle. Raspberry felt deeply embarrassed as he stood back up.

“Uh… I’m okay,” he announced, “It’s just another… another of those… um… I’m okay. Nothing to see here.” The ponies stayed all around him. Raspberry rubbed his eyes. Oh boy, Chip Diller had it easy…

*Boom Boom BOOM* Everypony immediately turned around towards the other side of the street. Dozens and dozens of long red socks flew through the air. They landed all over the place. Socks coated the cupcake stand. The peacock-dressed mare looked like a living clothesline. Socks were everywhere.

Raspberry glanced at his left. He glanced at his right. Yep, sock ears.

“Okaaaaaaaaaaaay,” he said, and then he pulled them off. He heard muffled screams, looked down, and then he pulled a particularly wide sock off of the young fillies’ head. She breathed in and out frantically.

Almost all of the ponies on Market Street started to congregate around a very confused and very unhappy looking crimson colt. He stood in the middle of a large, black still-smoking crater with little pieces of wood and torn up pieces of socks strung around him. Ash and charred pieces of wool smeared all over his body. The colt took a few small steps forward. Then, he leaned down and coughed up about half of a sock like a cat with a hairball.

“Are you alright?” Raspberry asked the young filly beside him.

“Two things,” she said, tapping her hoof twice, “First: That was like THE COOLEST THING EVER! THAT COULD— EVER— BE— EVER!” She hopped from hoof to hoof for a moment.

Raspberry smiled at her.

“Second: Are YOU alright?” She asked, and she tugged at the end of his suit. She made a pouty face. “You sick or something? I knew somepony as nice looking as you couldn’t be that mean. You had to have something alien coming over you and hurting something real fierce.”

“Oh, I’ll be okay as long as I’m able to get home,” he replied. Aliens. Aliens like myself to you and everypony here. You are so right sweetie. Just… so right…

“Back to Bretton Woods?” she asked, “Geez, you were screaming the name of that place when you were all like on the ground with sparkly eyes and stuff.”

“Oh, no, that’s not—” he began.

“Oh, NOW I get it,” she said, “Bretton Woods is a PONY. He’s your doctor. I’m sure that you need him and miss him. I bet he uses this exotic magic or something real, real special.”

“Yeah, sure,” he muttered. Exotic. Magic. But it’s not magic that’s the issue. Or not quite. I guess it’s like the magic is the words and letters, but the notebook they’re written into is a different thing entirely. I have magic. The cowpony has magic. Whatever thing that just came into existence has to be magical or it couldn’t use socks like nitroglycerin. Things get brought in here from another universe, and then they can use the magical powers of this world. It’s like using a Windows program on a Mac.

Raspberry observed that the commotion had about entirely died down. The ponies had gone back to their shopping, sightseeing, and so on. The crimson colt stood silently in his corner. Three colts in what looked like farmer’s outfits ran up out of nowhere and lined up beside him.

“And… NOW!” the tallest one of them quickly shouted. The three produced water buckets and doused the crimson colt.

“Thanks,” he said flatly. He paused, and then he rubbed the last bits of ash and string off of him.

Raspberry turned back over to the filly beside him. “I hope you have a good day,” he told her, and he started walking back to the middle of the street.

“Ah-HEM!” she said.

Raspberry looked back, and he saw the filly holding up the bright green apple. She rolled her eyes over to her hoof. She grunted at him.

Raspberry sauntered back over, smiling softly, and then picked up the apple. He took a huge bite. He stopped, cheeks loaded. Oh… my… God... She gazed at him, and she shook her head up and down. Raspberry swallowed.

“Have a good day mister! Hope you can get back home soon and get better soon!” she said. About three seconds later, a yellow mare in a flowing white dress stepped up by her crates. The foal spun back around to speak with the new customer.

Raspberry walked down the street a bit, and then he leaned over. He opened his mouth wide and stuck his tongue out. What the hell was that! What was that made of? Rocks? Hay? Styrofoam? I feel like I just licked the bottom of the City Metro. He dropped the rest of the apple into the drain beside him. Do they have ‘Red Delicious Apple’ style apples in pony-land? He spied what looked like a fancy French cuisine style restaurant up ahead to his left.

Wait… A dark, sinking feeling went through him. If I’m still human on the inside, then will everything pony taste like total crap to me? EVERYTHING!?! What do they eat that I eat… sugar cubes? Oates? “Dammmmmmmit,” he moaned quietly. He heard a strong rumbling from beneath his suit.

“Yeah, I know!” he said, staring at himself. He stopped still in his tracks. Oh, hell, it’s worth a shot. Raspberry waltzed over and took a seat on a chair at the farthermost table. He took a look around.

The café seemed simply beautiful. The sleek white chairs had intricate designs with the face of the sun over their backs and felt somehow soft, even silk-like, yet sturdy. Raspberry could see his hooves through the body of his table— a bright crystal lattice that probably gave diners the feeling of eating on top of diamonds. The long umbrellas atop the tables appeared a radiant light red with fluttery-looking notches all along the sides.

“May I help you, sir?” asked a dark purple colt with a black tuxedo.

“Yes, indeed,” said Raspberry, “Do you accept Vis—” He stopped midsentence, and then he buried his head into his hooves.

“Uh, sir?” the colt asked.

Raspberry sat back at attention. He asked, “Could I have some olive oil, some crackers, some ketchup, some mints, and some salt-n-pepper packets please? Anything that’s $0.00 please?”

“Sir, I’m afraid I’m not understanding wh—” the colt began.

“Look!” exclaimed Raspberry. He took out his wallet, swatted it on the table, and then pulled out his debit card. “Can you just… pretend to run it? Pretend that it’s acceptable? Pretend that you have some electronic station right over there? You can pretend that it’s rejected due to insufficient balance if you want, just pretend with me that things are normal!”

The colt took a half step back away from the table.

“Normal… that’s the thing. Pretending things are normal. That’s all I’ve been doing since I’ve gotten here is pretending,” Raspberry muttered. He looked back at his wallet. There it was— that picture at that Chicago mall of him with his two younger brothers where they sat in the stroller back to back while he held up his new Blackhawks shirt. Nine years ago… Damn, we looked so cute… And that’s… That’s, well, it. It’s all over. I’m done. I’m gone.

“I’m like this. This. This world. This place. This…. me,” he said, holding his hooves in front of his head as his tears began to well up, “I’m basically dead. Dead you understand me. Dead. Just… dead.” By then, the tears had started to really flow.

The colt looked as if he wanted to be on the other side of the world. He said, “I think you need some more time to think…”

“Thank you,” Raspberry whispered, and he rested his head flat against the table with his hooves dangling in the air. No, no, no, no… I can’t take it. I can’t stand it. I CAN’T STAND IT. He put his hooves to his head. A soft ache had started up behind his eyes again. He shut his eyes, opened them up, and then had a sudden tunnel vision.

“No, not this again!” he tried to yell. “NO!”

Yet nothing happened. He looked up. He looked down. He looked left and right. He blinked repeatedly. A white, blue-haired filly had her order taken two tables over and a family of purple ponies celebrated five tables over. The filly had on a beautiful yellow dress with a short sash and a necklace with a large red gem. She somehow looked very familiar. Otherwise, Raspberry was alone. The hustle and bustle of the street beside the café had moved far way over down by the big gate. Raspberry made a happy sigh— his feelings seemed over before they began.

Raspberry couldn’t help gazing at that white filly, even though he knew he was being rude. It almost seemed as if she set off some kind of sense inside him. He didn’t feel like he was in danger from her, and it didn’t seem either like he was falling for her— although he thought she did look incredibly pretty. It was something else. Something seemed off to him, seemed not right. Yet he didn’t feel bad or painful at all either. Huh… He looked back down at his hooves through the table. The important thing is that the… teleportation? Whatever it is, it didn’t happen this time.

“Well, then,” he said, “That’s a relie—”

*Thwack* An umbrella landed onto Raspberry’s head. An abrupt gust of wind blew everything out onto the street. It just seemed to get faster and faster. It threw Raspberry to the ground and cast about chairs, umbrellas, and tables alike. The family of purple ponies seemed to be able to hide under their table.

The pretty looking white filly watched with pure horror on her face as a bunch of her papers that she had been examining blew about. “My designs!” she shrieked. She hopped around the ground seizing clumps of papers, which immediately blew right out of her hooves again.

Raspberry wrestled the umbrella off of his head, and then he sped over to collect the wayward papers. He grabbed two bundles with his hooves. As he looked in the middle of the street, those papers were enveloped with a purple aura and started flying towards him. The wind ceased just as suddenly as it had begun. Raspberry stepped over in front of the white fillies’ table, with a bundle of papers neatly in tow floating in the air besides him.

She flung her hooves around her long, flowing blue mane to straighten it out from the wind. She put her wide-brimmed straw hat back on, and then she gazed at Raspberry. “Why thank you very much, good sir,” she said, with a somewhat regal sounding voice and a subdued smile.

Raspberry smiled, and then he made a motion with his hoof. The aura-coated papers bounced up in the air for a moment. Then, they smashed right on top of the fillies’ head, knocking her hat back off.

“Ow,” she said flatly. Raspberry went up to her, but she gently pushed him off. She put her hat back on once again. Raspberry closed his eyes and tried to concentrate hard. He opened them back and saw the papers again floating in the air in front of him.

“This time with feeling, then?” she remarked, and she extended her left hoof. She looked more amused than anything else.

Raspberry leaned himself forward, and then he nudged his head trying to concentrate. The papers bobbed up and down in the air. Then, they smashed right into Raspberry’s face.

“Ow,” he said flatly. He quickly grabbed the stack off of his face, and then— still in a neat pile, thank goodness— he placed it on top of the white fillies’ hand. She swung her head side to side for a moment, and then she nestled the papers into her purse.

“That makes us even, then,” she said softly. She put her chair back into place and then nonchalantly sat back down, “Still haven’t quite gotten the hand of magic, I see?”

“Well, I’ve only been able to do it for one day,” he replied. Her eyes grew wide, although she kept her sly expression. “It’s odd, I know. Long story. Long, and barely believable story as well.”

“It often is the longest and least believable stories that are the truest. Speaking of which,” she said, leaning back in her chair, “You know, I’ve never seen you before. This is only my third time in Coltsville, but I’d think I’d spot you walking about the main Market Street at least once sometime. Someone of your… stature?” She leaned a bit forward.

“Sure,” he replied. Why does everyone think I’m hot stuff just because I’ve got a bouffant, some bling, and a snappy expensive tuxedo? I was told there would be pimping in Coltsville AT THE FRONT GATE.

“You wouldn’t happen to know… Fancy Pants?” she asked, and she delicately swung her head to the side while dropping the name.

“I can’t say that I have met that pony,” he answered, “But I’m always on the lookout for new friends.” Hopefully, some EXTREMELY open-minded pony friends with a knack for understanding rare jewels. Well, come on then, obviously I could get right to the point with her… anyways…

“Would you like one right now?” she asked while tilting her head forward with a playful smirk. Raspberry stepped up closer. She extended her hoof. “My name’s Rarity.”

*Snap* Raspberry experienced this jolt deep inside them as they touched flesh to flesh. It didn’t hurt, but this vacuum-like, gaping sensation appeared. It seemed almost as if he was a paper target that just had a buckshot-sized hole blasted into him.

“I’m Raspberry, Raspberry Star,” he said, trying to mask everything inside. Rarity looked happy and oblivious. Fortunately, that little shot flushed out of Raspberry pretty quick, and he was back to normal.

“You know, I mentioned Fancy Pants because he really wants a tuxedo almost exactly like this,” Rarity said, caressing part of his chest. She eyed every inch of him. “It's a very old fashion that would now, of course, new again. He adores being a trendsetter. Plus, he enjoys being admirably tasteful while at the same time being—” She tapped her hooves together. “Inconspicuous, if necessary… He didn’t think of something like that huge, beautiful lapel of yours though…”

“Uh, sure,” Raspberry said meekly, wondering what on earth he should do as Rarity nudged inch by inch closer to his neck.

“Why that gem,” she went on, “It’s like nothing I’ve ever seen before. It’s like a picture perfect size and color replicate of a raspberry, and yet it’s also something more… It’s not a ruby, no. Something about the color is too bright— too light— too reflective, huh… It’s like ruby plus diamond plus glass, mixed altogether somehow…”

Raspberry gazed deep into her gigantic, inviting blue eyes. He had never seen such a beautiful creature in his entire life. He seemed slightly hypnotized, but still he felt so uncomfortable as she hovered less than an inch above her neck. Is she actually… flirting with me? Coming on this strong when we just met? She just HAS to be an escort. Or, wait, maybe she's a genuine fashion expert.

“But the little circular patterns on the strawberry are so lifelike, as well as intricate,” Rarity said, and Raspberry saw the jewel reflected in her eyes, “You can just look inside each little ‘berry’ piece and it’s the same, this deeply complex pattern of circle upon circle from down to the very center of that part of the gem… This can’t be natural. And yet it can’t be carved. Someone had to have just— naturally, I guess— been lucky enough to FIND this.”

No… no way, she doesn’t give a damn about ME. She just wants that, and she’s laying the groundwork to soften me out of it. Clever girl. But at least, thank goodness, I found someone that actually knows something and could actually help me. Raspberry shifted back a few inches.

“Uh, right, yes,” Rarity said, snapping out of her reverie. She plopped back into her chair.

“But you’re exactly the gir— the pony I need to see,” Raspberry said, “Because I need information. I need help. I need to learn some really important things really fast.”

Rarity blinked, slowly and dramatically. She rested her head on both hooves.

“I really, really shouldn’t be here. I need to get back home. But I need to get back this special jewel, this something,” he said, seeing Rarity absorb every last word intently, “Something… it’s hard to describe. But it’s not for decoration, or not just for decoration. It has these special powers… with this special, inner nature that I…” He trailed off. Aw come on, I have to sound completely insane.

“Well…” Rarity began, making what seemed to Raspberry like a duckface, “I should be honest. I’m a connoisseur of gems only. It does with the territory of keeping up with these latest fashions. And they’re beautiful on their own, besides. I… I just don’t know. I can’t help you very much if you’re asking about the history or the source of them. I'm not much of a scientist. My apologies, Raspberry.”

Raspberry’s heart sank, and he sat down on the ground. Is there a pony version of Google? A pony phone book? A freaking pony Alex Trebeck? There has to be someone with a good idea of what I’m going on about… I hope.

“Well, dear, hang on,” she said, “You’re in Coltsville after all. I would just ask around with all of the salesponies you meet. And goodness knows how many dragons are about. Or have you thought about Canterlot?”

“What?” Raspberry asked.

“Have you been to Canterlot?” she inquired. Raspberry shook his head no. “Manehatten?” He gave another no. She paused, tapping her head in deep thought. “Well now, I wouldn’t suppose you’ve ever gone through Ponyville. I would be pained to find out that you have and that I had missed you.”

“Look, I kind of… I basically…” Raspberry said, playing with his hair evasively, “I haven’t been anywhere.” I’m not from around here.” Understatement of the century… “I’m not from Equestria, really.”

Rarity chuckled. “My dear,” she said, glancing down and shaking her head, “You sound as if you just fell out of the sky.”

“Plummet,” he said. It wasn’t a fall so much as a plummet.

“Well,” she said, “I’m sure a pony of your stature from, uh, wherever it was you said you were from... I’m sure that ponies will help you immediately if you just ask around.”

“I guess,” Raspberry responded.

“Don’t you worry one bit about all of this ‘lockdown’ nonsense or all of these wild rumors— especially anything relating to Princess Celestia!” she remarked, and she made a little chuckle, “I happen to have done business with the Princess personally, and I’ve particularly seen how she overcomes her own challenges. I’m most dismayed to see so many otherwise intelligent ponies impugn her character!”

“Right,” Raspberry replied. Rarity gazed at him wordlessly, which made him feel both honored and painfully self-conscious. He had never had this kind of attention from someone so cute. Rarity also seemed to be trying to convey something with just her eyes. Raspberry felt like she either didn’t know how to put it into words or didn’t know whether or not he should hear it.

Rarity glanced over at the café door, tapping her hooves on the chair. Raspberry sank deep into thought. Celestia’s ‘character’, eh? Well, I have no great reason to put my faith into it. But what the hell, it doesn’t matter at all to me if she makes taxes too high or ‘locks down’ the economy or doesn’t leave the royal toilet seat down or whatever. If Celestia would help me, I’ll take it. If she’s a Princess burning heretics and non-pony non-believers at the stake, forget it.

Still, though, just like the cowpony pointed out— odds are the Princess wouldn’t give a damn about me and would treat me like a threat… or a lab experiment. I know EXACTLY what I’d expect Obama to do if a rainbow pegasus was flying at the White House. He’d lob a damned missile at it. DoD would inspect the remains. Rarity picked up Raspberry’s pained expression, growing worse by the second.

“Oh my dear, I hate to sound ungracious to such an otherwise warm and welcoming city, but sometimes I just have to say I’ve had enough of these things,” Rarity said, opening up her eyes and fluttering her eyelashes in a way that warmed Raspberry’s heart, “I just HAVE to tell you, since this is your first time visiting, that you’re going to encounter close-minded attitudes about everywhere in Coltsville. The educated ponies seemed to hold onto such prejudices about not just Princess Celestia but everypony else from Canterlot. Goodness knows what reason...”

“Okay,” Raspberry said flatly.

“And, between you and me, I’ve never seen a worse sense of fashion from wealthy ponies in my life,” Rarity said, gripping her bottom hooves, “For pete’s sake, plaid? With this latest trend, PLAID? Bold orange on bold blue? Elaborate hats on a functional dress? My goodness, it’s almost as if there was an explosion at a rainbow factory and everypony in Coltsville is blind to the aftermath.”

The dark purple colt with a black tuxedo walked up to their table, carrying in the air above his back a large silver plate displaying variety of colorful items. “Here you are, Miss Rarity,” he said before setting it down right in front of her.

She let out a happy squeal, and then she paused to regain her prim composure. She clasped the fork with her left hoof, and then she turned to Raspberry. She said, “I would start with, mister… Knack was it?” She lost herself in through for a moment. “Knack something. Or something Knack. I can’t recall, but anyways I would think that a musician such as yourself be in Coltsville in first place just to produce with him. He’s also particularly good ‘retrieval’, ‘finders-keepers’ sort of pony or so I hear.”

“Thanks!” said Raspberry, and he glanced back to where he sat before. I guess that’s as good a lead as anything else. And something about her just seems… pure. Like I can’t help but what to trust her. Is that something to do with that ‘harmony element’ thing? The chairs had blown away. His backpack sat atop the handle of the overturned umbrella. He began to head back over.

“Raspberry,” called Rarity, “Would you care to join me?”

“I...” Raspberry began. He stepped over to get a good look at the plate; his spirits rose for just a moment. Dark brownish-green moist mush with what seemed like little yellow wads of hay sticking through decorated one side of the plate. Then, something looking like a pile of grass clippings covered in a pungent bright orange sauce littered all over the other side.

“I’m afraid I must decline,” he said, “I have several pressing things I must take care of. I need to figure out where I will stay, where I’ll be working, and so on for the near future.”

Rarity made a polite smile and nodded her head with in understanding. She reached out her left hoof and said, “Again, it’s a real pleasure to meet you! Good luck, Raspberry!”

“Likewise of course,” he replied, and he shook her hoof again. He shuddered slightly, feeling the same kind of sensation as before with her touch. A static shock coursed through his body. Rarity didn’t seem to notice one bit. Raspberry started heading back over to where he had been sitting. He heard what seemed like this mysterious clicking sound, but he paid no attention.

He paused, and then he glanced back. He said, “Random question, but here goes. You wouldn’t happen to be one of six very close friends, from like the same town or something, would you? Part of special club of six or something? With special… abilities?”

“Uh, uh...” Rarity dropped her fork, and then she shifted nervously in her seat. She said, “Yes, I suppose. Back in… Ponyville.” She swung her head back and rolled her eyes. “But it’s not like we’re a ‘club’, heavens no…”

“Sure,” Raspberry replied, “Goodbye.”

Chapter One Part Five

Raspberry went out the front door, and he found himself back on the now familiar Market Street. It seemed to be getting a bit dark, although the crowds appeared just as cheerful and busy as before. He turned to head down the street, but then his right front hoof bumped up against something. He glanced downward.

Somehow, his backpack sat right there in the middle of the sideway. But I… I… I thought I lost it at the… No, I KNOW I left in that alley when I fell into the underground dragon-related thing. How the hell did it get… Raspberry surveyed the Market Street in all directions. He detected nothing out of the ordinary.

He picked the backpack up with his right hoof. He eyed it from all directions. It looked fine, and it actually didn’t look at all different from when he walked out of his last final last August— knowing the Master’s Degree was his. Raspberry glanced back down, and he shuddered in surprise.

That hat— the dark black Stetson hat covered in silver studs the cowpony had— rested in the middle of the sidewalk. Raspberry picked it up, twirled it in his hooves, and then put it on his head. He looked back over at the backpack, and the he threw it onto his right side. He took a few steps down the street.

A gust of wind started up, which Raspberry paid no attention to. It began to build and build. Sellers started reaching around to hold their wares. The shoppers grabbed what they had and held it close. Ponies gathered away from the center of the street. Raspberry shut his eyes, and he heard the hat blow off. He opened his eyes, and he saw flying through the air. Yet it seemed to flutter back and forth rather than blow with the wind. Suddenly, it seemed to fly straight upwards.

Raspberry sat down. He stayed sitting as the wind stopped and the crowds went back to their mingling. Well, that was some crazy… stuff going on… He started back to walking down the street. He noticed a very, very long line drawn on the ground leading straight forward. He followed it for a while, and then it ended with a giant arrowhead. Raspberry spotted ‘Knack’s Music Supplies’ about thirty feet ahead.

He trotted over. Before opening the door, he noticed what seemed like another arrow. It curved around away from the storefront towards the side of the music supply building. Curious, Raspberry stepped over and glanced at the right wall of the building.

‘DON’T WORRY ABOUT CELESTIA (°u°) – RF’ read huge graffiti. Raspberry took a deep gulp and stumbled onto his back. The words were dripping this thick, crimson something or other. Raspberry hoped that it wasn’t blood. The smiley face was inside a circle that seemed to be carved into the wall by thousands and thousands of scrapings. It reminded him of a mental patient attacking the sides of his cell.

“Well, thanks RF!” Raspberry screamed back sarcastically, trying to look tough but still panting profusely. He grabbed his backpack, and then he sped back to the front of the store. He rushed in.

The room looked massive. Over to his right side sat a large stage with a full setup of drums, guitar, bass, and piano. He ogled the band’s guitar. Psychedelic-looking bright blue stripes stretched all across the simply gorgeous looking Gibson Flying V. Raspberry thought that it looked as if Dave Davies himself had flung the guitar into a wormhole during a Kinks’ gig and it had somehow shown up here.

Directly in front of him, he saw row after row and column after column of instruments. He thought that he could find anything he could dream of from a harpsichord to a cowbell to a keytar. To his left, Raspberry saw layers and layers of cables upon the wall as well as lying on the floor, dwarfing a small booth in the middle. Raspberry stepped up to the booth and glanced around.

He didn’t see anypony at the register, and the rest of the room looked deserted. He moved back, and he stepped on something that made a soft crunch. He glanced down and saw a note. It read: ‘Thanks for visiting! Will be back in ~10min! Feel free to try out the band’s instruments! (+w+)’

“Don’t mind if I do!” Raspberry said, and he walked over to the piano. He strained for a moment to get himself up onto the bench. How the hell do ponies sit like freaking humans all of the time? It’s not like we have the same bottoms, dammit. He reached out his right hoof, and he clanged three keys at once. He paused, and then he reached out with his left hoof. He smashed four keys. He banged back and forth for a few seconds.

This sounds like a two-year-old… He glared at the end of his right hoof. He scrunched the corners of his hoof together. He then managed to plink one key at a time. Raspberry took a deep breath. It probably would help if I knew absolutely anything about playing or reading music. Oh, well. And how do ponies really hold and operate this stuff this anyway, geez! He pinked one of the high keys over and over again like a metronome. After a minute or so, he stopped. Well, I’m bored… boooored…

Then, he reached down and opened up his backpack. He saw some folders, some bottles of aspirin, and some loose papers. He muttered ‘a-ha’ and then pulled out his iPod. It appeared totally unmolested by the universe to universe travel. He flipped the case open and nudged the top. The screen lit up perfectly. He tapped the click-wheel with his right hoof to no avail. He scrunched the ends of his hooves, and then he managed to rotate around to click play. He concentrated for a moment, and then the earbuds slid right into his ears.

“Oh yeah, ‘play Sheer Heart Attack’— excellent,” he said, and he bobbed his head back and forth in tune with the song. “Oooh… Here I stand. Here I stand. Look around, around, around, around, arounnnnnnnd…”

He seemed immediately to slip into this other state of consciousness. He closed his eyes, and spun around. He plinked one of the highest piano keys again and again in tune to the song. The playing sounded, somehow, better. It seemed almost as if Brian May was right there playing the riff on the keys beside him. Raspberry opened his eyes back up, and he saw all of the keys covered with a purple aura. A bunch of keys plinked on their own.

“Oh,yes! Yes! YES” He yelled. “I like where this is going!” He hurled himself off of the stool. He threw his left hoof out into the air, and the Flying V zoomed into his hooves. He grabbed it— both the guitar and his hooves bathed in a glowing purple aura. Raspberry closed his eyes once again.

“Your matches still light up the sky! And many a tear lives on in my eye!” He sang. He slammed his right hoof down and the Gibson rewarded him with a loud purr. “Oh, down in the city— just Hoople and meeeeeeeeee…”

He flung himself into the air, kicking both of his bottom hooves furiously. He landed in a split and he whipped the Gibson forward like a striking ax. He pounded out the chords. He sprang back on his feet and thrust the guitar above him.

He smashed his hooves on it again and again, beating the strings like a jackhammer. He bounced backward and spun himself like a small tornado— flinging through chords every second. He hopped up and down, let out a scream, and shoved the guitar down in the front of him. He tapped the strings furiously, yelling louder and louder with each riff.

“Go! Go! GO! LITTLE QUEENIE!” he screamed at the top of his lungs, “STROKE IT, BRIAN!” He pogoed as fast as he could, and he felt the chords flowing through him. The track started to tune out. Raspberry hurled the guitar straight up. He made a huge backflip, eyes still shut.

Raspberry plopped onto the drummer’s stool, and he flipped his front hoofs to his sides. The drum sticks flew two his hooves. He yelled, “Go for it, ROGER!”

Raspberry hammered the sticks onto the tom-tom drums right in front him. He smashed the cymbals, and he then pounded the tom-toms as well as the kick drum in a blind fury. He jumped on top of the stool and fluttered the cymbals repeatedly. He twisted to the left, and then he slammed again and again into the snare drum while battering the left cymbal. His hooves seemed to bend and curl about as if they were made of rubber.

With his eyes still shut, Raspberry threw himself forward and kicked the cymbals off the stairs. He bounced about on the pedal to the kick drum and beat the snare drum with both hooves. He reached over and banged the tom-toms as well. He suddenly twisted to the right.

Raspberry let out a guttural scream as he rammed the tom-toms over and over again. He went harder and harder, feeling as if he just had to break the sticks any second now. He bucked the kick drum, flinging it down off of the stage. With his eyes still shut, he smattered the sticks across the symbols. He flipped his hooves over, discarding the sticks like used napkins. Raspberry then raised all of his hooves into the air in a victory stance, and he let out a satisfying yell.

Raspberry heard a cough. He then opened his eyes. He saw about two dozen or so horses crowding the storefront in front of the stage. They all started directly at Raspberry with blank faces. Raspberry stepped down off of the stage, and halted at the end of the piano. A very small blue filly with budding bluish-white wings stepped right in front of him. She reached out her front hooves and began to clap.

A chorus of clapping, hoots, and cheers began. The ponies rushed towards them. Raspberry could barely make out what any one of them said, but he regurgitated polite ‘yes’, ‘thank you’, ‘great’, and ‘nice to meet you too’ comments. He noticed his backpack being poked and probed, and he immediately grabbed it and held it close. Raspberry suddenly felt a pair of huge gray hooves seizing him, and Raspberry let out an ‘eep’.

“Yes, yes, yes, of course,” said a voice, and Raspberry found himself cradled on the floor beside a tall slate-gray colt wearing a shiny black vest. The colt’s long, flowing mane rubbed up against Raspberry’s side. The colt had a unicorn horn that seemed oddly short as well as oddly dark for the rest of his body. Raspberry spotted the colts’ cutie mark, a solid black musical note.

“I…” Raspberry began.

“Yes, I’m glad that you all have become MORE THAN acquainted with the newest member of the Knack family,” the colt said, “A Mister…” The colt glanced at Raspberry.

“Raspberry Star,” Raspberry meekly replied.

“Raspberry Star!” the colt declared, and then he pulled them together close, “And I’m VERY glad to report that you will be seeing Raspberry much more in the very near future… Along with, of course, the rest of The Attractions!”

The crowd cheered. The ponies began splitting up. Around a third of them flowed out the door back to Market Street, but the others spread out across the store. Several horses marveled at the band instruments that Raspberry had tossed around the ground. The gray colt tapped Raspberry’s side affectionately, and then he pointed at a side door beside the register. The colt made a loud whistle, and two mares stepped out of the door. The mares immediately began assisting customers.

“I assume you are… Mr. Knack,” Raspberry muttered.

“Right you are!” replied the colt. They both headed through the side door. They were now in a blank looking corridor. To Raspberry’s right, a huge staircase stretched upwards. He spotted a sign saying ‘Rooms’. To his left, he saw two doors marked ‘Exit’.

“So, wha—” Raspberry began.

“Oh, for Pete’s sake, they can still hear every word we say here,” Knack said, and he began heading upstairs. Raspberry followed. Knack hurled open the first door of the second floor, and they went in. It looked like a simple enough room, with the same utilitarian amenities Raspberry would expect from a Super 8. Knack plopped himself onto the bed and opened the top drawer of the nearby dresser.

“Okay, now that we’re alone,” said Raspberry, standing in the middle of the room.

“That we are my new friend,” Knack said, and he flipped through various papers in the drawer, “That we are…” Knack flew a pen into his mouth using his magic, and then he spread four papers onto the bed.

“I would appreciate it if you let me ask you a few questions,” Raspberry said, and he stepped closer.

“I’m in a very, VERY good mood right now,” Knack replied. He clutched two more papers in his hooves, and he held an eraser in one corner of his mouth as well as the pen in another corner. “You’ve given me more customers in the past hour than I’ve had in the past week combined. So, I’d REALLY appreciate if you let me do the talking and let me keep things going smoothly. Okay?”

“Okay,” Raspberry said, and he sat at the opposite corner of the bed.

“Now then,” Knack said. He dropped the pen and eraser out of his mouth. “I just KNOW that you don’t have a single bit on you. Not one.”

Raspberry nodded, and he saw Knack develop a smug look of satisfaction.

“Because obviously you’re here from out of town,” Knack said, putting the final touches on the papers in front of him, “And obviously you’re here for important non-musical reasons. And you certainly look hungry. Among other things. Many things. No, don’t worry, I just have that power to read ponies.”

“Right,” Raspberry responded, rubbing his mane with his right hoof.

“So, I’m going to be extremely reasonable and extremely quick and extremely precise about this,” said Knack, and he pushed a paper in front of Raspberry, “So first, let me welcome you to Coltsville.” Knack made an imaginary rainbow with his front hooves. “Visit the red-light district ASAP. And second, you can stay in this specific room with the full continental breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the next month.”

Raspberry’s eyes lit up, and he replied, “Right, right.”

“Third,” Knack continued, “You’re going to be on the standard salary position for Knack’s Music Supplies. And seriously, don’t worry about the assigned duties. It’s all just a paper standard. It’s all formalities. I’m not going to waste your time and, more importantly, MY time by sticking you in front of a register. No, my friend, you’re going to be performing— with— The Attractions!” Knack jiggled his front hooves in excitement.

“I don’t know about… that…” Raspberry responded.

“Forth, you’ll be getting the standard ‘creative working’ stipend once a week. I know it’s a little weird,” Knack went on, “For you, coming from another city. But that’s just how we do in Coltsville. You get X-number of bits per month rather than per song, per book, per poem… whatever…”

“Oh,” muttered Raspberry.

Knack scratched his head. He said, “I’m pretty sure it’s a holdover from how the dragons did things, from way back at our founding. So, whatever… It works pretty well. With me, I just like to pay per week and not per month. Things go more efficiently. Now, I know it’s the Equestrian minimum wage for an ordinary musician, and you are FAR from an ordinary pony my friend— it’s plainly obvious!”

“Oh, you got that right!” Raspberry replied, breaking into a smile. DAMN STRAIGHT!

“Yes, sure,” Knack said, “But two things. First, this is for the next month. I guarantee after The Attractions slams through some gigs, this is hiking up. Big time. We’ll renegotiate. And second, I am giving you room and board ENTIRELY FOR FREE.”

“Well…” Raspberry began.

“All signs point to yes,” Knack said, and he used his magic to push the pen and the paper towards Raspberry, “So sign it. Yes. Sign it. Do it. Don’t make me get on my hooves.”

Raspberry took a deep breath. He tried to pick up the pen with his right hoof, but it slid right off of him.

“Fine!” Knack hollered, and he stepped down onto the floor with all of his hooves, “I’m on my hooves. I’m begging you. I’m too old to kiss you, but I’m doing it inside. So please. Please. P-p-p-p-p-please?”

“But I…” Raspberry began.

“PRETTY PLEASE!” squealed Knack.

“Look! Wait just one second!” Raspberry yelled, and he saw Knack look up at him with Bambi eyes, “Look, sir, I’m very glad to have you welcome me here and let you use your equipment and offer all of this… I’m very glad. Very glad.” Oh, God, what should I say? “Very… glad. Glad. Yes, glad.”

“Right,” Knack replied.

“But sir, Knack,” Raspberry said, “I don’t how long I’ll be staying in Coltsville. I mean, I don’t know how long I’ll be in Equestria. It could be just a matter of days. Hopefully, it’s just hours.”

“Raspberry…” Knack whimpered.

“Just… just give me two weeks, okay?” asked Raspberry.

“That’s not nearly long enough,” Knack protested.

“Two weeks is… is… an utterly ludicrous amount of time and I shouldn’t even be saying it,” Raspberry said, “But I’m trying to be reasonable here too. Okay? I’ll sign on for two weeks, and then I’ll try to roll with you and make future changes as time goes by.”

“Well, I guess…” Knack began.

“And another thing, no severance penalties. Nothing. I can walk away and leave you just as I came here,” Raspberry said, moving in face to face with Knack.

“But, come on now,” Knack said, shrugging his hooves. “That’s just not—”

“I step out into a wormhole, you never see me again, then it’s like we’ve never met,” Raspberry said.

“What are the odds of that happening?” asked Knack.

“APPARENTLY,” Raspberry remarked, “A lot higher than you’d think.”

“Okay, okay, okay, okay,” repeated Knack, writing and erasing all over the document. “Everything I just said is true, and it still applies. But it’s two weeks. And it’s possible for either of us to break the contract and just totally walk away at any moment with one day’s full notice. That would restore the status quo.”

“Okay,” Raspberry said. He concentrated, and he managed to pick up the pen. He glanced all over the paper. The pony language seemed readable, but it left a weird feeling inside him. The writing style looked like a letter written to the cops by an escaped mental patient. Raspberry made a big ‘R.S.’ at the end of the paper, and immediately Knack grabbed the pen and made a ‘K.T.’

“There’s nothing in there that we haven’t said? No souls being stolen or anything?” asked Raspberry, still holding onto the paper. Knack shook his head. Raspberry tapped his head with his left hoof, and then asked, “What about a witness?”

Knack walked over to the door and stuck his head out, shouting “Dawn? Dawn? Dawn! DAWN! DAWNNNNNNNNNN!”

They heard a “WHAAAAAAAAAAAT!” flowing back upwards.

“Get up here!” screamed Knack, and he stepped back into the middle of the room. In just a few seconds, a pretty looking young filly stepped through the door. She had a long, flowing dark purple mane with frizzy black streaks going through it. Raspberry thought that complemented her long purple body— coated in whitish-purple spots from head to hoof— very well. She wore a simple white shirt and black glasses of the Buddy Holly style. Raspberry’s eyes traced up her nice, slender hooves towards her cutie mark— a image of the moon atop a set of dark reddish-purple roses.

“So, what?” she asked. She had a quiet and cold voice, but somehow it also smooth and soothing to Raspberry. He felt his heart fluttering a bit as she walked beside Knack.

“Dawn, listen to me,” Knack said, “Whatever blasted thing Raspberry claims I told him is what I actually told him. Period. You got that?”

“Of course,” Dawn replied.

“Now, write a M.D. on the paper,” said Knack, and she complied. Knack smiled, and then he looked back at the two of them. He yelled, “Allons-y!”

“That means ‘let’s go’ not ‘goodbye’, you moron,” she whispered as Knack sped down the stairs. Dawn then turned around to be face to face with Raspberry.

“H-h-h-hi,” he said, “I’m Raspberry Star.” She is… wow, just wow…

“Midnight Dawn,” she replied, and they shook hooves.

Chapter One Part Six

“Nice to meet you.” Raspberry panted a bit as they touched. What the hell, seriously, she’s a pony! Pony. End stop. First Rarity, now this. Stop thinking about non-human females, dumbass! “So…”

“I hope he didn’t go on about the room and board thing,” she said, sitting down on the bed, “Because this room has been totally empty for four straight days. Not to mention the extra food at the dinner buffet serving no one.” She fluffed her mane. “Well… it goes to charity eventually… or else Flash speeds through it.”

“Okay,” Raspberry said, his mouth watering. I haven’t eaten in half the day…

“You know that he needs you more than you need him, don’t you?” asked Dawn.

Raspberry nodded, and he sat on the bed beside her. He asked, “Why did he have to leave so quickly? I have so many important things I need to talk about.”

“Ah, he’s probably with secret agent-ish ponies in some back alleyway somewhere,” Dawn replied, flicking her left hoof, “I know he’s terrified down to his very bones about being disappeared. Just like everypony else that think they know something that the Princesses wouldn’t want them to know.”

“Princesses?” asked Raspberry. Wait, there’s more than one? Or is Celestia just the queen with a consort? Or something…

“Princess Celestia…” Dawn started, and then she shook her head, “I hear weird things. Terrible things. I know that she wouldn’t go kidnapping ponies in their sleep. Or banishing mass numbers of them into nothingness. I just know it. I don’t believe any rumor I hear. I’m not that stupid. But something HAS to be happening.”

“Kidnapping?” Raspberry asked. Well… I guess I don’t have to worry about Celestia, or so I was told. Or… Well then, the cowpony couldn’t be telling the truth. Could he? I’m not worrying about Rarity one bit.

“Oh, Raspberry,” she responded, “It’s almost all garbage. Almost all of it. ‘Mad Princess Celestia stepping off of her Canterlot throne to secretly purge Equestria of her enemies.’ That makes for a juicy story. But that’s it. And all you need to know is that Knack is scared right now. And…” She put her head in her hooves and chuckled. “I never in a million years thought I’d say this, but here goes— I genuinely feel sorry for that stupid old colt.”

“Well… okay…” muttered Raspberry. Maybe it isn’t garbage. You don’t know what I know…

“I… I know I’m dumping on you, but I haven’t had anypony to talk to,” she said, “And goodness knows big sis is less responsive than talking to the blasted wall.” She looked at Raspberry, and he noticed that she was trying to keep from crying. “It’s just been… so bad. All of this mess couldn’t have already come at a worse time. Nopony wants to hear just ‘The Attractions’, obviously.”

“Obviously,” repeated Raspberry.

“It’s ‘Twilight Crash & the Attractions’. It always was that. It was the full five-piece. That’s the only thing anyone outside of Coltsville cared about,” she said, rubbing her eyes with her right hoof, “And it was just… Just…” She smacked Raspberry’s left side. “Magic. Pure, undiluted magic.” He could almost see stars forming in her eyes. “It was ‘pop with power’ almost like ‘ice with fire’.”

“They must have really been something,” Raspberry murmured, and he motioned his left hoof. He seemed to be getting a pretty good feel of her warm, soft flank. A few seconds later, he pulled away, feeling ashamed. Geez, even universe to universe travel won’t stop you, you horny bastard! Cool it!

“You could only really feel it live,” Dawn went on, talking as if in a trance, “It was like raw, white heat. You were hit by this solid musical wall. You felt in your hands. You could almost smell it… almost taste it... And they were so blasted FAST. It was over before it even really began.”

“What happened?” asked Raspberry.

Dawn burst out laughing. She leaned down and almost whacked her head upon the floor. She said, “You’ll ask five ponies and get five answers. And six, of course, if you count Knack. But you shouldn’t.”

“I shouldn’t trust him, then,” Raspberry muttered. Well… shoot…

“Oh, my friend,” she said, sitting back up, “If he was going to cheat you, he would have already cheated you. He’s never, ever one for changing his mind. You meet him in a good mood, and then he’s your ally and advocate for eternity. He never goes back on his word.”

Raspberry stood up. This is… nice… But seriously, I feel like if I don’t eat something this very second and get my blood sugar up there’s another migraine coming on. And God knows what I’ll invite into this world if that happens.

“The problem is,” said Dawn as she also got up, “If you meet him in a bad mood, and you get his mind made up in the other direction… then… well…” She rolled her eyes. “Let’s just say that even if you offer him one night with a black-lace covered Princess Luna on the royal bed, you STILL wouldn’t be able to dissuade him about you. Mules are more open-minded than Knack.”

“So that’s why it went from ‘Twilight Crash & the Attractions’ to ‘The Attractions’?” he asked, and he moved a bit towards the door.

“Sure, pretty simple story, really,” she replied, “AND… It’s also in part why Coltsville’s claim to fame went from being the city of…” She took a gulp and put on a dramatic announcer’s voice while waving her hooves. “Five-piece supergroup Twilight Crash & the Attractions, hoorah!”

Raspberry chuckled a little.

She went back to her regular voice and said, “And THEN Coltsville became the city of Velvet Crush, the master DJ of destructive beats, AND Twilight Crash & the Attractions, the four-piece fluffy lounge-pop act for birthday parties and mayoral events.”

“Ah, so that had already happened,” Raspberry said, “You already lost a member a while ago.”

“Pop without power sells pretty well, though, I’m not complaining,” she remarked, “Or at least it SOLD… and we we’re able to survive relatively well without Velvet Crush for months and months and months. Then, Twilight Crash left. And for the last four weeks, life has been unbearable.”

“Geez, I’m really sorry for you,” said Raspberry.

“No, really, it’s okay,” she said. She paused, and then she lied back on the bed. “It’s just… You know… I had been really hoping. I had been thinking that any day now Velvet Crush would just come back. The only pony Crush really, truly hated was Twilight Crash. Crush could at least tolerate Knack.”

“Oh…” Raspberry said, and he made some more steps over to the door.

“But Twilight Crash, may Luna bless his soul,” Dawn went on, “Always just wanted to be like, say, Fancy Pants. He only played music for the accolades. He wanted to be RESPECTED. To be doted on. And his heart was for slow, soft, little filly stuff. And, well, that’s just… done. Crash is pure history now.”

Raspberry edged himself towards the door. I have to get out of this ‘VH1 - Behind the Music’ crap…

“So,” she said, and he turned around and buried her face down on the bed. “I KNOW Knack has been talking to Crush constantly. I KNOW there was no reason why Crush would have anything against seeing the three colts here— that Crush used to consider like brothers— altogether on stage with him again.”

Raspberry opened the door, and leaned himself out. He said, “Well, it was nice talking to you…”

“The buffet is in room 222, not down the stairs,” Dawn murmured, pointing over in that direction with her right hoof while her body remained face down on the bed.

“Thanks!” Raspberry said.

“By the way, would you like to know what the ‘T.S.’ stands for?” she asked, waving both hooves in the air mindlessly and still muffled by the bed.

“What?” asked Raspberry.

“Thaddeus!” she responded, “Thaddeus Quentin Knack is the colt’s full name.”

“That sounds… interesting…” Raspberry began.

“YES IT DOES!” Knack hollered. Raspberry hopped forward with an ‘eep’ as Knack muscled in through the door past him. Knack went on, “It sounds rather interesting. Hence, ‘Mr. Knack’ or simply ‘Knack’.” Knack sized the papers and writing materials off of the bed— ignoring Dawn as she laid face down silently. Knack stuffed the papers into the top dresser drawer. Then, he grabbed the entire drawer and whipped it out off of its hinges.

“Hey,” Raspberry muttered flatly.

“I need this— the whole thing!” Knack declared affirmatively, and he draped it onto his back with his magic. Knack sped out of the room, paused, and then he leaned his head back through the door. “And both Crash and Crush left for their own reasons. Got that?” Knack then hurried downstairs.

Raspberry opened his mouth as if to say something, but he closed it again. He placed his backpack in a laundry basket sitting beside him, and then he shoved it underneath his bed. Dawn was still lying there on the middle of his bed, facing down without a single sound. Raspberry motioned his hooves a few inches above her head, stopped, and then shrugged.

He headed down the corridor towards Room 202. You know… if I wasn’t me, and I was something else… that would have been a totally awesome moment to take advantage of. Probably. If I wasn’t me, of course. He paused when he came up to the door.

“But then again,” he muttered, feeling a freezing cold chill going up his spine, “Who’s to say that I know who I really am?” He flashed a huge grin. He glanced at his reflection in the doorknob. He spotted two ponies layered on top of each other. He stopped, blinked quickly, and then shuddered. He smashed his head against the door, and then he rubbed the side of his head with his left hoof.

“Get. Out. Of. My. Head. Now. Dammit.” He moaned, bonking the door with each word, “I’m getting pretty tired of this!” He leaned back and surveyed the corridor. He was alone, at least at that moment. He leaned down and stared at the floor. “Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.”

Raspberry stood back up. He saw a black mare with dark green eyes wearing with a dark green fedora eyeing him from about two doors over. She meekly smiled, and then slammed the door. Raspberry shrugged, and then he went into the buffet room. The door smacked open and stayed open behind him.

Raspberry took a deep breath. He then muttered, “Paradise.” It was a large open room with eight ponies milling about. Ten tables with four chairs each stretched across the middle of the room. Right under the far wall sat a huge, long table with bin after bin of items, every one of them steaming. Raspberry sped over to the corner. A plate with a knife and fork quickly flew through the air and then floated right in front of him. Raspberry sidestepped to the left.

The bin contained a variety of greenish lumps with a flowing brown sauce on top. He took a whiff. Pony food. NOPE. He sidestepped again. The other bin featured a smattering of small flaky bluish-gray sticks littered on top of each other. He took in the industrial wasteland style odor. Again, pony food. NOPE. 100% human on the inside here. Raspberry sidestepped a third time. This new bin contained a bunch of small finely wrapped bags. Promising… maybe…

Raspberry lifted one to his nose with his magic, and he found a familiar scent. Oh… can it be? OATES! He lifted another bag. Okay… so… pretty good… hm… He shot a glance left and right, and then he licked the bag. Oooh, soybeans! He gazed upon the bin, and then he picked up a dozen or so bags. He sidestepped once again. The bin in front of him held a huge mountain of something scrambled fluffy and yellow. What the heck could this be? He took a scoop and then a sniff. Oh, my, goodness… EGGS? Raspberry let out a little squeal, and then he piled it onto his plate.

The next bins contained piles of golden-brown slices shaped a bit like giant graham crackers. Whatever it was, it smelled too much like waffles for Raspberry to resist. He detected a jar of syrup to his right, and then he poured it all over everything on his plate. Raspberry moved over to the closest table and sat down. It all looked so delicious that he could barely keep himself from smashing his face onto the plate. Raspberry took his fork and then stabbed a mound of eggs, leaning himself forward.

“HELLO AGAIN!” Knack yelled. Raspberry buckled forward, smashing his plate onto the floor and almost tipping the table over.

“Uhhhhh… hi,” Raspberry replied as Knack leaned forward until they were almost cheek to cheek.

“I’ll take care of that immediately,” Knack whispered into Raspberry’s ear. Knack bucked backward and spun his head out the door. “DAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!”

“Sir, what is it!” Dawn responded, speeding through the door.

Knack pointed one hoof at the shattered plate and another at Raspberry’s empty table. Knack rotated his head, and then he swung his hooves as if he was conducting a mini-symphony. “DUPLICATE!” he yelled. Dawn nodded and headed over to the buffet line. Knack turned back around and leaned over again almost cheek to cheek with Raspberry.

“Right,” Raspberry muttered.

“So, where were we?” Knack said, and Raspberry gave a mini-shrug. Knack cocked his head, paused, and then stepped over to the other side of the table. He took a set, and then went on, “Yes, right, so I needed to inform you that the other three members of the Attractions are indisposed at the moment. It might be a few hours, but I guarantee you that you can start rehearsing sometime tonight.”

“Oh, that’s good,” Raspberry replied, and Dawn placed an identical plate in front of him. She made a mock-salute, and then she calmly trotted towards the door. Raspberry leaned his head over and eyed her flank as it jiggled with every step. He couldn’t see any intimate parts in detail, but still the supple curves seemed to shine. It felt a bit like looking at a mannequin or airbrushed swimsuit catalog yet far more enjoyable.

“You like what you see, don’t you?” she asked, smiling as she shoot a glance back at Raspberry. She then popped out the door.

“Okay, then,” Knack said, and Raspberry saw him trying and failing to hide a giant smirk, “I knew that you also had other non-musical questions you needed to ask me. Since, after all,” Knack slid his head to the right and looked up at the ceiling. “I know anypony and everypony that MATTERS in this town. And a musician such as yourself would surely appreciate having connections in this town, anyways.”

Raspberry held up his right hoof in a ‘just one second’ pose. He leaned forward and then smashed his face onto the plate. He seemed to inhale the entire contents, leaving just a splattering of crumbs. Raspberry sat back up and saw Knack staring at him blankly. “Right,” Raspberry said, reaching for several napkins, “Thank you very much. I’ve needed to talk to you for a while.”

“Sure,” Knack replied.

“So I need information about gems,” Raspberry said, “Information about legends and history surrounding jewels and gems. I’m looking for this special amulet-type thing. It’s really important that I find it, and I mean SOON. It’s not just important to me so that I can use it. It’s also very important that I keep it out of the wrong hands… hooves.”

Knack leaned back in his chair. His face seemed to go through several different shades. He stammered, “Yes, gems… the history and legends of gems… it’s a very, very INTERESTING topic, isn’t it?”

“I don’t know exactly what this particular jewel looks like, not really,” Raspberry continued, “I do know that it has special magical powers. Well… wait…” Raspberry’s eyes glazed over as he tried to remember. “That’s not quite right. It has special SCIENTIFIC powers. Nothing whatsoever to do with magic at all.”

“Science,” Knack quietly repeated. The very word seemed to cause a small transformation in him. He placed his hooves upon the table, and his head bobbed up and down slightly. Raspberry could almost hear the gears turning in Knack’s mind.

“Scientific powers. The ability to, when exposed to certain energies at a certain level, expose the fabric between worlds,” Raspberry wet on, and Knack gazed at him intently. “It was pretty simple, actually. I don’t know exactly how I— how WE— first found it. It was some glorious accident when the substance entered our complex.” Raspberry took a deep breath. Scenes flashed through his mind. The pictures and images just flowed through his subconscious, and he could barely make anything out. He felt as if he was an editor looking through negatives and trying to guess what the actual film was.

“Please, please go on,” Knack said. “Of course, beings with highly specific scientific knowledge have been under a lot of— shall we say— outside pressure lately. Letters unanswered. Books disappeared. Offices closed. Things locked down.”

“It was just… crazy,” Raspberry said, sliding his head to rest on the table. “But when I held it in my hand for the first time that… that… shiny, fluffy, crystal-like substance… It felt right. It was like a mother holding her child for the first time.”

Knack took a gulp.

“So I need to find it now. To send me back,” Raspberry declared. “And to keep it safe.”

“But… but… If you had the gem you’re looking for wherever you CAME from,” Knack said, “Why would it be over HERE, NOW in Coltsville. Or in Equestria. In anyplace around here? I don’t get this at all. If you had it back where you came from, then it’s still over there— right?”

“It… it… it…” Raspberry stammered. Memories sprang into existence but then vanished again a second later. “It wasn’t the gem that sent me here earlier today. But the gem could bring me back. It’s a different gem in Equestria verses where I came from, yet it’s also the same. It’s hard to explain. It’s like…” Raspberry eyed a small tuft of paper and a pen from Knack’s vest pocket.

“This?” asked Knack, and he placed both items on the table in front of them with his magic. Raspberry pulled the paper towards him. He drew a set of various human stick figures walking up and down alongside a little house. He flipped the paper over, and then he drew a set of pony stick figures alongside a little barn. Raspberry then scribbled a solid blue sphere in the middle, pressing down harder and harder until he tore the paper. Knack surveyed Raspberry’s every movement.

Raspberry held the paper up in front of himself. “Here they are, outside of Equestria,” he said, tapping the human side that faced Knack. “And here is their version of the… the… the ‘substance’, let’s call it.” He tapped the blue circle. He then flipped over the paper so that the pony sized faced Knack. “Tell me what you see.”

“It’s our world, and it’s where we’re sitting here— right now,” Knack muttered, his voice growing faint.

“Yes, and what else do you see?” Raspberry asked as he tapped the center of his own side of the paper.

Knack reached over his right hoof, and he felt the indentation and half-inch-sized hole on his side of the paper. It seemed almost like reading braille. “I see our world’s equivalent of the exact same ‘substance’ as you called it.” Knack said. Then, he leaned over and peeped through the tiny hole with his right eye. “And to imagine one falling through this with such a tiny, nasty little misstep… it’s a painful thought…”

“It’s somewhere in Equestria, and it’s in the form of a jewel. That’s about all I know,” Raspberry said. “And I KNOW it’s a completely unbelievable story.” He rested his head flat against the table.

“It often is the longest and least believable stories that are the truest,” Knack responded.Raspberry flipped his head back up, and the two ponies gave each other an understanding look. Knack leaned over and whispered, “Even in this part of Coltsville and even in my own hotel, it’s not quite safe enough to talk about this around the rest of the guests that openly. Just answer me this— what does the substance look like? What is it, precisely?”

“The— the technical term we used was ‘hyperspace’,” Raspberry murmured, “But I can’t remember more than that name. I really can’t. Sorry.” Knack tapped Raspberry’s side. It felt like a coach comforting an injured player. Knack started to walk out the door.

“Wait!” Raspberry shouted, and then he stared at the floor. He felt as if his head was going to cave in from the inside. He held up his right hoof, and then he looked back up. “I can… a bit…” He lowered his voice. “It was something that fluttered through the air almost like a gas, and if it escaped it was gone forever. Yet you could hold it in your hand and then catch a bit of it.” Raspberry waved about his front hooves in the air. “A dull kind of pinkish-red, with bubbles upon bubbles going through it. It was… flying cotton candy.”

Knack rubbed his chin, deep in thought.

“I have no idea what the Equestrian equivalent is. I really don’t. Just that it would be small. I could only catch a baseball sized wad of it, and that was enough for our experiments,” Raspberry said. “That’s… that’s the absolute limit of what I can remember.”

Knack stepped over to Raspberry. In a low voice, Knack replied, “Four things. First, I’d like to thank you. Second, eat something. For Celestia’s sake, you look like you’re about to keel over.”

“Praise Celestia,” Raspberry muttered sarcastically.

“Third, you have more powerful friends than you realize.” Knack said. Then, he pressed his right hoof hard against the table, and he repeated, “Powerful friends. Forth, I’m sorry to say that I can’t help you specifically. You’ve been told, I’m sure, that you need to see a dragon. But, I know the right dragon for the job. He’s always around here tomorrow. Until now, if I were you I’d relax, take a good nap in your room, and then spend the night practicing with your new band.”

Raspberry got up as Knack stepped out the door, and then Raspberry made himself four more buffet plates. Satisfied, he trotted back down the corridor to his room. He hurled himself onto his bed. ‘Your new band’? Really? Well then, that sure as hell sounds like a colossal waste of time for someone who has powerful friends… Yeah, it’s really a good idea to be banging on drums like a freaking monkey while a Stalin-style purge is going on through the whole damn city.

Raspberry glanced out the window. It had gotten just a bit dark, but the hustle and bustle went on as loud and busy as ever. No… This can’t be going on like that. It just doesn’t make sense. The world here is too sickeningly pure, so child-like, and so innocent for something that dramatic to be going on. I get ponies clamming up, sure, but there isn’t bumping off in the streets. There isn’t a Princess Celestia SS division rounding up intellectuals and strangling them in their beds. It’s got to be something more subtle. Something outside of what meets the eye is going on. I just know it. Raspberry pulled his backpack out from under his bed.

Chapter One Part Seven

He unzipped it, and he tried to look through some of the loose papers. “Nah, too dim,” he muttered. He hopped off of the bed and leaned over to the lamp. He paused. He didn’t see a cord. There wasn’t even a hole or something where a cord would have come from. He couldn’t spot any switches, toggles, dials, or anything else. He picked it up, and there was nothing underneath. The whole lamp looked perfectly smooth from all sides.

“Weeeeeird…” Raspberry said. He tapped the side of the lamp— nothing. He tapped the lampshade— nothing. Dammit. Stupid freaking pony world with your stupid freaking inefficient crap… He knocked the bottom of the lamp. Then, he turned it around and looked down the top. There was some kind of bulb in there, and that part at least seemed normal enough. Okay… so…

“On!” Raspberry shouted. “Okay then, how about… Light! Start! Run! Begin! Illuminate! Turn on! Program on! Program high! Operate!” He smacked his hooves against his face. Well, dammit, maybe I have to do more of that stupid, stupid magic. He shot both hooves into the air and tried to concentrate. The lamp became immersed in a purple aura, and then it tipped back over. Nothing else happened.

“Come on!” Raspberry yelled. He stared at the wall, and he could see fuzzy blotches begging to form at the corners of his eyes. “Oh, not THIS again!” He closed his eyes and collapsed onto the floor. He curled over to his side. He popped open his eyes again. He saw nothing except a smattering of glowing, sparkly marks. He closed his eyes again, and he began tasting that same ugly, metallic flavor.

He let out a low growl in pain. The metallic feeling flowed his mouth all through his insides. He beat the floor for a few seconds with all four hooves. He then heard a loud thud.

Raspberry threw himself back up. He felt right as rain again. He surveyed the room. The window, the bed, the backpack, the mirror, the laundry basket, and everything else seemed completely normal. He looked over at the lamp, which had been set back upright but otherwise looked just the same.

“H-h-h-hello!” Raspberry called. “Anybody there? Anypony there?”

A loud screech sounded. Raspberry jumped back and then glanced all around. The noise started again— a lot fainter this time but now coming from all directions. It sounded almost like a modem fed into a giant shredder.

“WHO THE HELL IS THERE?” Raspberry screamed. He saw a sudden flash of light, and then he turned towards the lamp. Drops of something dark and foul-smelling dripped from the lampshade. The body of the lamp seemed to burn from the inside. The light grew brighter and brighter until the room was totally bathed.

Raspberry shuddered. An orangish-yellow glow filled the lampshade. Hissing and popping noises joined the metallic screeching. The lampshade somehow began to bend itself, by itself. The noises sounded almost like— laughter.

Raspberry took one quick look at the open window and another at the lamp. He hurled himself forward and slammed onto the side of the dresser. The lamp tumbled from the dresser onto the bed and then burst into flames. Raspberry sprang onto the bed and then kicked his bottom right hoof at the lamp with all of his strength. The lamp careened out the window with a loud clang.

Raspberry sped over to the window and leaned out as far as he possibly could. The lamp smashed against the alley floor. It was absolutely pulverized, leaving nothing but a five feet wide circle of dust and paperclip-sized pieces.

“YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!” screamed Raspberry, and he shot his right hoof out into the air. “I’ll see you in HELL, LAMP!” He gazed down at the remains quickly blowing away. He then glanced over to the right. The young looking light blue colt in the next door room— wearing a fluffy white robe and carrying a frizzy-looking orange drink— stared blankly at Raspberry.

“Oh hi,” Raspberry called out, and he waved. The colt waved back politely and then slowly backed up into his room. Then, Raspberry turned around and hopped back to the bed. He surveyed the room again. Nothing else? Nothing else, then… I hope. I wish. He sat up on the bed. Oh, my God. Oh… is this… is this my life now? This is it? This is what I’m going to deal with.

He sank his head into his hooves. "Ugh, why I am even trying... it’s just hopeless, “he muttered, “I'm not meant to have any kind of freaking power or something. I can't REALLY do magic. I can't do anything." He peeked over the tips of his hooves at the mirror. I'm just going to have to face the fact that I shouldn't be here. That's why you can't do anything, dumbass! But I'm stuck here. And I'll die here. Alone.

*Knock* He sprang up, ears peaked. At a second knock, he bounced up and then moved down the stairs towards the building's side door. He flung it open.

He saw the empty side street, a few loose candy wrappers and papers plodding across the cobblestones from the wind. He stuck his head out and looked left and right, pausing for a moment. Nothing. He shut the door, and then went back upstairs. He plotted himself back down on the chair, his mind blank.

*knock* This time, it was a little louder. He leaned back in the chair, got up, and then wandered down the stairs. He nestled open the door. He looked at the empty street, deader than before. He scrunched his face, and then leaned out again.

Nothing was over there. Nothing was up there. Nothing was over here. He shut the door again and sauntered up the stairs back into his room.

*knock, knock, knock* This time, it was pounding. He sprang out of the chair and slid down the stairs, almost knocking himself over. He flung open the door. "Seriously," he whispered, and he leaned outside. Nothing around, nothing over at the end of the street... and he swung his head upward...

The fluffy red umbrella hung itself on the end of the ‘Knack’s Music Supplies’ nameplate sign. Its legs were frantically dangling through the air and kicking back and forth.

"YOU!" he screamed. The umbrella let go and fell on top of his head, giving him an eyeful of crimson plastic. He bucked back, rubbed his hooves over his face, and stumbled over. The umbrella jumped up and then landed right in front of him.
"Hey," he muttered. The umbrella hopped up on one leg, waved its hands together, and then twirled in one spot for a moment like a ballerina. Raspberry lunged forward.

The umbrella sidestepped. It made a 'meep' noise, and then started bouncing down the street.
"Wait!" He shouted, and then gathered the strength to run, "You're not-- supposed to even-- exist, I think! Let along prank people or ponies!"

The umbrella jumped up and pointed at him, making a softer, rapid 'meep meep meep' sound. It stopped at the end of the side street, where a big brown barn-like door stood. He heard the commotion of ponies going about their daily lives, shopping, gossiping, bragging, sightseeing, etc. behind. Raspberry halted several feet in front of the umbrella, trying to gather his breath.

"GEEZ! I'm not going to hurt you or anything, I just want to talk, okay!" he squeaked. The umbrella tapped its fingers on itself, and then it stood on its right lake. He heard something like a 'meep, mep meep MEEP' noise. It suddenly pointed at Raspberry with both hands.

Why the hell do I want to talk with it if I can't understand a freaking word it says? Or HOW the hell is it actually talking in the first place if it doesn't even have... a... mouth... Raspberry stepped forward a little bit. "Uh, okay, look little guy. I'm not going to do anything. I just need you to help me." But how do I even know that it can help me? Is it just instinct or something? What the hell?

The umbrella swung out its arms and legs, leaning against the huge door, as if to show surprise.

"Look, I just..." He started. Oh gosh, I can't even talk to the next guy on the bus without saying something stupid. And now I'm conversing with lawn equipment. "I just would like to know where you come from. I think I kind of know that I brought you here, right?"

The umbrella clapped its hands and then made a loud 'MEEEEEEP MEEEEEEP' noise.

"Well okay then. So, I just need you to give me some inkling or something as to how exactly I get back... right?" he said.

The umbrella stood up, arms and legs lined up straight against the wall. If it had a face, it would look like it had the flattest possible expression.

"Okay, so that's a 'no'," Raspberry growled, "As in a 'I have no freaking clue how any of this works' version of 'no'." Well, fabulous. Was this guy... was this even a guy before he became an umbrella? I guess it, whatever IT was, had to come from some other universe or dimension or something? Raspberry said, "Can you tell me if the only one who knows this stuff is the cowpony in black-"

The umbrella suddenly threw itself back against the door, arms gripping the door tightly. It suddenly scrambled itself up the door and jumped over the side.

"HEEEEY!" he screamed, and he hurled opened the door. He paused for a second, senses overcome with the hustle and bustle of the market street. Over there to the right, he saw some bright yellow filly tried on this new shiny white fedora. Over there to the left, he saw some youngish orange colt standing beside an older mare in a flowing white dress. He was shoving some too-small roller skates onto his hooves. Up ahead slightly to the right, he saw a blue filly with a shimmering long white and blue striped mane resting beside a cart filled with dozens and dozens of fresh red roses— glimmering red. He did a sudden double take and then pointed right at the umbrella hiding in the middle of the cart.

"You!" Raspberry declared. He heard a frantic 'meep meep MEEP', and then the umbrella jumped out. It popped itself up on top of the cart. "Yes?" said the blue filly, oblivious. Raspberry leaped over and then ambled up on top of the cart.

The blue filly looked exasperated. The umbrella hopped onto the flat roof behind them, and Raspberry quickly followed. It ran to the end of the roof on the other side, and then shimmied up a metal pole to the adjacent building's roof.

"Oh Damn!" Raspberry remarked. He sped over to beside the pole and looked up to see the umbrella reaching over to the other roof. Raspberry grabbed the pole and started shaking it violently. "Come on, you little twerp!"

The umbrella dangled upon the ledge for a moment. Yet it quickly swung itself over to the right, and it hooked its right leg on the ledge. Raspberry stared to see the umbrella start to motion itself up, trying to grab the ledge with its other hand but having a hard time of it. Raspberry glanced all around, and then hurled open a door a few feet over that he hadn't noticed before.

"EEEEEEK" he heard over and over again. A set of red draperies fell all over his head so that he could barely see. But he made out some kind of dressing room with a large oval mirror with light-bulbs on the sides and various fillies sitting around with makeup kits and clothes on racks. They covered parts of themselves with their hooves and glared at him. He felt a soft smack on the side of his head, and then noticed a huge filly half-clothed in a frilly black dress and sash beside him.

"Oh for Pete's sake, you know you DON'T EVEN NORMALLY WEAR CLOTHES!" He screamed. That stopped the murmuring and commotion for at least a few seconds. He heard a muffled, "Good point." He pulled the drapery off of his head and stepped forward.

"Now," he said forcefully, "Where is my UMBRELLA?" The fillies stared blankly at him. Raspberry swung his head in a circle and sighed for a moment. "Look… just… how do I get to the roof?" he asked.

He saw a chorus of hooves pointing directly at him. He looked up, and he noticed a giant white sign reading 'ROOF ACCESS' and a small spiral staircase beside it. He rubbed the side of his head, paused for a moment, and then sped up the stairs.

He came upon a dead end, a blank wall, but he looked straight up and noticed a dangling ragged, brown rope. He grabbed it and then suddenly felt himself flung upwards. Raspberry felt himself thrown down against a rug. He immediately bounced up and found himself on the roof. He glanced behind himself to see a huge gray box with a round hole inside it and a bunch of ropes winding through.

Raspberry spotted a black machine box on the other side with pipes sticking through. He ran over and then stopped at the ledge. He glanced down, feeling sick from the feelings of vertigo but spotting nothing. He suddenly heard a soft creaking sound, and he looked straight up. He saw the umbrella sitting on the top of the box, twisting left and right as if it was panting.

"Where do YOU think you're going, punk?" he snapped. The umbrella jumped down in front of Raspberry, and they faced off a few feet from each other. The umbrella sidestepped to the left, then to the right. Raspberry did the same thing, and all the while he poised himself right in front ready to strike.

"Now, I NEED answers!" He moved forward, and the umbrella backed up as well. Raspberry could see that the umbrella was backed up at the other ledge, with nothing there on the other side besides five stories of air and then the market street. "The game is over," Raspberry declared.

He stepped forward. The umbrella stepped back, over the ledge. Raspberry moved up and looked down to see the umbrella peacefully float down, dancing through the air like a butterfly, and then rest peacefully in the middle of the street besides the roller-skate colt.

Raspberry keeled over and laid on the roof. He belted out a loud whine. "Yeah, it can do that", he muttered while clamping his head in his hooves, "It's an umbrella, dumbass. Those things don't plummet, they glide." Think! Think, think, think! Come on now, put that master's degree into use. So you have magic. It doesn't. You were turned into some freaky pony-x-human mutant thing, while it became a damn umbrella with legs. Use your magic, superior one.

He popped back up. "Okay, so magic," he said to himself. He peeked over the ledge. He felt like vomiting, once again, with that tunnel vision and inky sensation going through his veins at the heights. He still was able to see that umbrella, which was now suddenly playing it cool by lying on the street and retracting its arms and legs a bit. It looked pretty normal.

"Ropes!" he yelled. He turned over to face the gray box on the other side of the roof. He threw his arm over and motioned towards the box. Nothing happened. He pulled his arm back, and then motioned again. Nothing happened. He pulled it back, wound his hooves up like a major league pitcher, and then shot his arm in that direction. Still, nothing happened.

"Okay, magic," he said. He bounced down on the ground, and then he bounced up again. "YOU-NO-GWEIGH-GWEIGH-BYE-BEE-ZHAO! YOU-NO-GWEIGH-GWEIGH-BYE-BEE-ZHAO! YOU-NO-GWEIGH-GWEIGH-BYE-BEE-ZHAO!"

He saw a purple aura over the box. HELL YEAH! A bunch of purple-aura-coated ropes sprang out of the box and flung through the air towards him. "Uh oh," he squealed. The ropes slammed into him, wrapping him around like a mummy, and then he suddenly felt nothing between his toes. He looked down, and he observed that he pushed himself over the ledge.

"MOOOOOOMMMMMY!" he shrieked. He felt as if we were shooting through the air like a bullet. The ropes flew off of him as he fell, but he kept a huge bundle locked tightly in his hooves. He felt a bounce and then another, softer bounce. He could tell he was suddenly held in place. His eyes were shut tight. Oh... how the hell am I going to get out of this…

He felt a touch on his left hoof, and he recoiled while making a little squeak. He heard a little giggle, and the another touch.

"Hey, mister!" he heard a very young filly say, "Hey! Hey!" Raspberry eked out a "Yes?"

"Why don't you come down?" she said. Raspberry slowly opened his eyes. He looked right at the face of a very cute whitish-orange filly— with budding wings on her sides, a light pink jacket, and huge eyes— that was looking back right at him. He glanced around, and then he realized that he was only about two feet away from the ground.

He let the ropes go, and then plopped on the ground with a soft 'thud'. The other dozen or so ponies had been staring right at him-- or staring while trying to look like they weren't. They went right back to their business without a hitch. Raspberry stood right back up. He looked down at the cobblestones and took a deep breath.

"Jetter, can you see if these skates fit you instead before I return them?" he heard some older mare say to the whitish-orange filly beside him. Wait... SKATES! He glanced over and saw that young orange colt... and the umbrella! It still just sat there a few feet beside the orange-colored pony family with its arms and legs compressed tightly against its body so that almost no one would notice.

Raspberry leapt through the air, and he snatched the umbrella in his mouth. He heard frantic 'meep' noises. He twisted himself over towards the brick wall beside him, and then grabbed the umbrella with his hooves by its arms and legs.

"NOW THEN!" He commanded, "Where we're we? You're going to tell me where you're from." He slammed the umbrella against the wall and heard more ‘meep’-ing. "And where the cowpony in black is from. And what either of you have to do with this thing that I'm supposed to find." He squeezed its arms. "Tell me now. Right now."

He heard more giggling. He glanced over his shoulder, and then he looked completely over. About two dozen ponies or so ponies were in middle of the market street, all of them standing still and staring right at him.

"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm interrogating my umbrella. It knows what it did!" he said.

A few snickers appeared in the crowd. Jetter giggled a bit more, and then she keeled over in laugher. The crowd burst out laughing, and the started back to their shopping. He detected somepony remarking, "Isn't that that drummer pony?" And somepony else, "Now this is why I don't live in Canterlot. Nopony HERE takes himself too seriously."

Raspberry looked forward, and realized that he was now holding on to thin air. He jumped up, and then he quickly glanced around. Up. Down. Left. Right. Nowhere in sight... He plopped himself down and stared down at the cobblestones. He felt like melting into the ground— just being another stone in the background and then never having to deal with this garbage ever again.

"What did I do to deserve this," he muttered, "It is bad enough to just be HERE. NOW I'm expected to deal with these freaky magical ghosties and weird things and..."

"Everfree forest?" said somepony.

Raspberry looked up and saw Jetter sitting beside him. "I'm sorry, what is that?" Raspberry said blankly.

"So you have, like, 'ghosties' and, like, bad, weird magical things that you need help with," she said. "And then I—"

"Jetter, I told you that we have to go pick up the cakes now!" the older orange mare said, looking out from an open door on the store besides where Raspberry and Jetter sat.

"M-oooooom!" she yelled, "I'll like be there in, like, just one second. Geez!"

The door slammed. "Wow, what's with her today?" Jetter said, "First, like, she keeps acting like if we return Lyra's skates than that means, like, that we don't think that she cares about his birthday or, like, that she doesn't like us. Which is NONSENSE, right?"

"Yeah, sure..." he muttered.

"And, like, second," Jetter said, "She keep acting as if my stooooooopid brother can just, like, magically shrink his hooves to fit and keep them shrunk. And my stooooopid brother is, like, just going along with it because he's, like a shy little shrimp who does what he's told and just says "Yes" to everything, right?"

"Yes," he said.

"I KNOW!" Jetter exclaimed, tapping him with her hooves, "Seriously! And third, she doesn't even believe me, like, in the slightest when I tell her about that magic umbrella with, like, ARMS AND STUFF!"

"Wait, you saw that?!" Raspberry asked, suddenly picking himself up and sitting face to face with her.

"Of course I did, you silly pickle," she said, tappinging him on the nose with her left wing, "Because it, like, walked up next to me and waved its arms and made, like, this noise." She got up on two hooves and waved about. "It went, like, ‘meep meep’ and stuff. Freaky."

"It's way worse than you think," Raspberry said in a semi-groan.

"I KNEW IT!" Jetter remarked, grinning ear to year, "And Mom doesn't ever believe me about that stuff! Not since I, like, told her that I had a parasprite in our dogs' house last week. And yesterday when I, like, told her that there was a manticore in our basement. And this morning when I said, like, that there was a whole house's worth of parasprites at Candy's school in their basement, since, like that's why noone has heard from that one weirdo teacher. But the umbrella thing, like, totally different. Legs n stuff!"

"Listen to me very carefully," Raspberry said, squishing the sides of Jetter's face with his hooves, "I have a very, very serious problem." Well, many problems, but they're interrelated and this is one of them. "I need to know about dark, evil magical things. That umbrella is merely the tip of the iceberg."

"What's an iceberg?" she asked.

"Whatever," Raspberry said, letting her go, "The thing is..." Oh my goodness, how do I even begin with her. He pointed his hooves at himself, and then waved them up and down like an airport scanner. "There's this odd sort of magical thing around me, or about me. It's sort of like this sieve or something about me. All around me I have weird strange creatures and happenings suddenly showing up. Many of them I don't know about, but many of them are evil and bad.”

Jetter gazed at him, hanging on his every word. “I have to know more about these dark magical things”, he said, “I need to know more because if I can send them back home, out of this world, then I can go home." I also don't want for me to turn Equestria into a place where you turn on the lamp and it bursts into flame with scary laughter. Freaking seriously...

"Everfree Forest, duh!" she exclaimed, "It's like my friend Apple Bloom said. She's, like, from Ponyville. And there's, like, this big black and dark place beside it. There's, like, parasprites, manticores, dragons, and who knows what else? And I just KNEW that something as freaky as your friend would be from there."

"Okay, great," he said. Well, I suppose it's a start. But goodness, this isn't just mere magic. This is some universe to universe freaky stuff. And what good is it to just show up at a haunted forest and... ask the locals? Oh, boy.

"Applebloom said that there's, like, this one interesting pony, or I think it was a pony," Jetter said, tapping her right hoof to her head as she thinks, "Yeah, this one pony has, like, mastered the ability to deal with the dark magical things. She can help you."

"What's her name?" he asked.

"Z-something," she said, and a glazed over look appeared on her eyes, "Well, wow. I know it was Z-e-something. Zebula? Zecorga? Zebow? Zelicious? Zebro? Zecorb?"

"Oh, don't worry, you've already helped me a lot!" he said, and he stood up. He felt so elated for the first time since he could remember. You’ve helped me a lot compared to the freaking idiots out here who are like nine-year-old girls on sedatives.

"No problem, Raspberry!" she said, grinning again.

"Wait, how do you know my—" he began.

"Oh, silly," she said, waving her arms in the air, "Everypony from Coltsville knows who you are. That's why, like, everypony who's anypony will be at your concert next week. I can't wait to see you destroy that drums set." She began beating her hooves on the ground rhythmically, "Did Bretton Woods teach you those moves?"

"Um... yes," he said, walking away. Please, please, please in the name of everything holy let I NOT have to go through the haunted forest to get to Ms. Z-e-something. Is there a pony Delta Airlines? A pony Portal gun? A set of hooves suddenly covered Raspberry’s eyes.

Chapter One Part Eight

“EEP!” he squealed. He heard a familiar sounding voice whispering, “Guess who?” Raspberry shifted over and twisted around. Knack stood in front of him, leaning upwards and making his typically devious expression.

“Great to see you again,” Knack said, “I’ve been looking around for a while now. But we’re just in time.”

“You!” Raspberry remarked, and he tapped Knack’s right shoulder, “You set me up for a freaking concert… in just ONE WEEK? Already? When I haven’t even met the band?”

Knack shrugged, and then he leaned a bit closer. He said, “I’m in the business of giving people what they want. And you’ve already got set up with room and board as well as a cushy job, haven’t you?”

Raspberry stared at the ground. Well, damn, he’s got me there…

“And you would have met the band a while ago if you weren’t spending all of this time sightseeing,” Knack said, and he leaned against Raspberry’s right, “So why don’t we get started, already?”

They walked down Market Street back towards the music supply store. Raspberry could keep down all of the butterflies in his stomach. So what, if I don’t perform well— then I’m going to be booted right out homeless and penniless on the street? I guess that’s obvious. He’s a freaking manager, not a charity worker. It isn’t kindness that lets you bend the bitches backward.

“You’re really going to like them,” Knack said, “I just can sense it immediately. You’re all cut out of the same cloth. I know you’re like them, call it instinct.”

Instinct... if I’m supposed to trust my instinct above all else, then I’d say that this whole damn thing is a total waste of time. And I should be getting my ass to Everfree Forest. Raspberry replied, “Okay, sure…”

Before too long, they faced the storefront. Knack paused, and then he motioned his front hooves as if doing a magic trick. The door seemed to open up by itself. Impressed, Raspberry walked through. He then spotted that Dawn was just there behind the door holding it open.

“Now then,” said Knack, “Feast your eyes on… The Attractions!” Raspberry looked blankly at the two ponies standing in the middle of the store.

“First,” Knack said, “Say ‘hello’ to Scouse. He’s on drums, but he also dabbles in both bass and guitar.”

“Though, I more than ‘dabble’,” Scouse muttered, and the shook his left hoof with Raspberry. Scouse looked much shorter and a bit younger than most colts Raspberry had seen. Light gray spots littered all across his darker, charcoal gray body. He had a flat looking dark brown mane. He wore nothing except for a black belt with two large dark grey pockets, both crammed full. Scouse’s cutie mark seemed to be nothing more than a white circle with a white arrow pointing to it, which Raspberry found perplexing. Something about his accent also stuck in Raspberry’s mind— a light, chipper sound combined with Scouse’s emphasis on his ‘t’s.

“Second, give a friendly ‘hi’ to Spirit Flash,” Knack said, “He can do things with a bass that other ponies wouldn’t even dream of. Fine guitar player as well, of course.”

Flash gave a pseudo-salute with his left hoof, and then he shook his right hoof with Raspberry. Flash’s seemed exactly the same height, age, and size as Raspberry. He even wore a fancy sort of vest with that same peculiar shiny white, creamy color as Raspberry’s suit— although without any chest hair poking out. Flash had a short dark yellow mane. Bright orange-yellow stripes looking like a flurry of lightning bolts coated his otherwise pale yellow body. In Raspberry’s mind, Flash appeared like Willy Wonka’s take on a zebra. His cutie mark, which was a white tower shooting out three lightning bolts designed in a way that the whole thing looked like a peace symbol, fit pretty well in Raspberry’s mind.

“And last, but certainly not…” Knack said, motioning to an empty spot on the floor beside the ponies. “Not… least…”

“Hey, hey, Leo’s on break,” Flash said, and he seemed to Raspberry to have this bouncy, poppy quality to his voice, “Remember?”

“Break…” Knack muttered, and then he turned around and shoved his face right up against Flash’s. “Since when have I paid you to just sit on your rears and stare at the wall? Since when has he— oh, for crying out loud—”

“Didn’t we agree we’d have…” began Scouse, and then Knack spun around. Knack glared at Scouse, who had went on, “The mid-evening before dinner as… break… time…”

Scouse’s voice had grown more and more faint. “BREAK!” yelled Knack, “Oh yes, since he’s too shy to bother to show up here whenever something is ACTUALLY HAPPENING. He’s fine with hanging out when it’s totally dead, oh yes, when clock-milking is the song of the hour. But not moments like now. Oh, yeah…”

Raspberry tuned out very quickly as Scouse popped a few words in between Knack’s rants. Raspberry waved his right hoof in the air softly to Knack, who glanced back and seemed to wave him away. It looked clear enough like an invitation to leave, and then Raspberry backed away through the back exit. He stood in the corridor in-between the stairs to the apartments and the entrance to the back alleyway. Raspberry detected some kind of fluffy, feminine giggle.

He moved over to the back door, and then he opened it a tad. He didn’t see or hear anything. He went back inside, and then he stepped up the stairs back into his room. He leaned himself against his bed and took a deep breath.

“You know…” said a voice from outside. Raspberry walked out to the window, and then he spotted a filly and a colt in the alleyway right below him. They seemed to gaze ever deeper into each other’s eyes.

“The key is that, after all, you just have to think and feel it— then it happens,” said the colt, and Raspberry strained to have a better look of him, “It’s not really the pressure. It’s technique. You have that thing you want so close, you’re rubbing it so deeply in between the edges of your hoof—”

“Surrrrrrre,” the filly squealed back. She wore a bright blue dress with a short, frilly blue skirt that seemed to hike ever up her legs as she shifted in place. Raspberry thought it complemented her soft, pale blue body perfectly. Even from a distance, he thought that mellow looking color appeared so silky and so delicate. Her dark blue mane was cut short, and with her solid white hat on as well she seemed to have this tomboy aura.

“Rubbing it, poking it, prodding it,” the colt said, “Making sure that it’s as close and intimate to you as possible. The lines blur. And then that thing you want is totally yours.”

“Of course,” replied the filly.

“Then,” the colt said, and he motioned his front hooves, “You just flutter from fret to fret, totally in control. It looks fast, but in your heart it feels perfectly smooth and slow. Your flesh is pressed in so deep—”

“So deep,” the filly said, rubbing her legs together and putting on a huge grin.

“So deep, and yet thrusting so powerfully. And that’s what it’s all about,” he finished, smiling back at her. “So, I take it you’re convinced that you want private lessons.”

“Of course I do,” she replied, and she tilted her head back. “I just can’t really come over in the daytime, and at night I know that my brother doesn’t want me to hang out with another band.”

“That’s…” the colt muttered, rubbing his head with his hooves.

“Tell you what,” she said, and she turned around to face the rest of the alleyway, “Come on by at twilight or so at the bakery. Crush is nothing if not bored out of his mind at closing, so he’ll wander away. Then, I’d love to see absolutely everything you can teach me after he’s gone. Everything.”

“It’s a—” the colt started to say, and then he paused.

Raspberry muttered to himself, “So she’s so damn skittish that you’re not even going to say ‘date’? Hahahaha… silly girls with the appetites of boys…”

The filly walked away down the alleyway, and her skirt continued to hike up with each step. He leaned out for a better view. He could see that the colt also wanted a good picture of that plot. As she stepped off into Market Street, pausing a moment to right her clothes back, Raspberry turned straight down.

The colt’s body was a combination of light grey and light brown. He didn’t wear a thing except for a small black satchel-like thing on his right side. He had a curly, thick brown mane with a huge tail of the same color. Most of all, Raspberry noticed his cutie mark. It seemed huge, covering so much of the colt’s flank. It was a big black musical note, some kind of fancy clef, with a red rose going through it. Hmmm… Fitting, I guess…

“THERE!” yelled a voice right beside Raspberry’s head. Raspberry screamed a little in surprise.

“There’s the little weasel,” said Knack. Then, he leaned far out to holler, “HEY! LEO!”

“WHAT!” Leo screamed back.

“This is the colt I was talking about!” Knack yelled. He clamped Raspberry with both of his front hooves, and then Knack held part of him like the window— as if Raspberry was some kind of trophy. “It’s Raspberry Star!”

Leo stared up without saying anything for a moment. Then, he cupped his mouth with his hooves and yelled, “You look pretty cool!”

“Thanks!” Raspberry screamed back.

“I can’t wait to burn through some riffs with you and also hear you sing myself!” Leo hollered.

“Why are we yelling instead of you coming here and us talking?” shouted Raspberry.

“Because I’m stupid!” Leo replied. He made a duckface and then shrugged. Leo sped back into the building. Knack and Raspberry trotted down the stairs. Leo gazed at Raspberry, who was about the same size but rather taller than Leo.

Leo seemed to like what he saw, and they happily shook hooves. Knack wordlessly prodded them back over to the door into the main room. Raspberry and Leo moved over to the center of the space, and they sat next to Flash and Scouse.

“Get ready!” yelled Knack. He leaned down and braced himself in suspense. “For!” He bucked himself into the air. “MAGIC!” He swung his front hooves to make an imaginary rainbow in the air.

The four colts looked blankly back. Knack stepped backwards towards the exit. He popped himself halfway through the door, and then he stuck his head and front hooves back out again.

“MAGIC!” he repeated, and he made another imaginary rainbow. Then, he shut the door and the colts heard footsteps going upstairs.

“I wonder what he’s doing up there…” Raspberry asked to nobody in particular.

“I’m sure he’s going to have sex with Blackberry June again,” Scouse replied quietly. The three members of the Attractions then all turned and looked at Raspberry. He felt himself cornered, and he seemed to almost shrink a few inches. Their eyes felt like laser beams cutting up his insides.

“My…” Leo began, searching for words. “My friend, what do you play?” Leo flashed what looked to Raspberry like a ‘winning smile’ in the vein of Charlie Sheen.

“Uhhh…” Raspberry began, “Nothing.”

“Nothing?” Flash repeated.

“Nothing,” Raspberry said again. The colts kept staring at him. Leo’s smile had been wiped off. Scouse made a quite cough.

“Ummm…” Leo began, glancing downward.

“Look, do you guys have a triangle I ca—” Raspberry began, and then he spotted it atop a stool to his right. He picked it up with his right hoof and clanged it around. “I can do this. Plus, I could…” He glanced around, and then he spotted some maracas on the floor in front of the drum set that was behind him. Raspberry tossed them over to himself using his magic. “I can shake these.”

No response came from the colts. Raspberry let the triangle and the maracas go— continuing to clang and bang in the air with his magic. “And… I can… do… squiggly arms,” Raspberry said, and he stood up. He threw both of his front hooves to his sides, and then he twisted them rhythmically in the air as if he was being wrestled by a giant anaconda.

“Oh, yeah. Squiggly arms. Oh, yeah,” he said as the maracas and the triangle starting flying about his head, “Let’s do it. Squiggly arms. Oh, yeah. Go Squiggly. GO SQUIGGLY!”

Flash made a snorkeling sound, and then the three colts burst out laughing. Scouse almost seemed to keel over from his giggles. Leo reached over and tapped Raspberry on his right side.

“I just, I just knew I’d like you,” he said, smiling again from ear to ear.

“Sure…” Raspberry replied. AUUUUUGH! What the hell am I supposed to do?! I’ve never played drums, bass, or guitar in my entire life. Except for in the past hour. But that TOTALLY doesn’t count! The members of the Attractions had all walked over to their instruments on the stage in the back of the room. Raspberry then stepped over, taking big strides. Okay… okay… think, dumbass, think! Put that master’s degree in use! Oh sure, it was in economics… but still, THINK!

Raspberry had walked right beside Leo. Leo had sat on a small, faded red chair with several tears in it, and Leo had the Flying V clutched tightly in his hooves. Leo tipped his head at Raspberry. Okay… nope. He seriously looks like he knows what he’s doing. I’m not going to step on his toes. Flash stood up on his hind hooves a few feet to their right, and he shot a glance at Raspberry.

Raspberry walked back past him as well. He looks… hungry. Geez, that face. It’s like the face of a goddamn rapist or something… No thanks! Raspberry looked right in front of him. The process of elimination left drums. It seemed somehow to feel right. Well that’s… got to the easiest, right? I mean, all you do is sit and bang things with sticks. It’s so easy caveman did it. No, dumbass, it’s not that easy! Well, I don’t have much choice now do I!?

Scouse stood beside the drum set with an excruciatingly bored expression on his face. Scouse waved over his left hoof like a consort welcoming a king to his throne, and then Scouse sidestepped a few feet away. Raspberry hopped on top of the large black stool.

“Piano,” Scouse said flatly. Leo and Flash repeated the word in monotones. They then looked back at Raspberry. Raspberry had been staring at the two sticks resting on top of the kick drum in front of him. How... the HELL… did I pick these up with the first time? When I have a pair of… goddamn hooves… He reached out with his right hoof and then rubbed the sticks.

He squinted a bit. Nothing seemed to happen. He took a deep breath, and then he tried to curl the tips of the end of his hoof. He picked them up a half an inch, and then he dropped them again. He tried a second time, and then they managed to stick to the end of his hoof. He motioned over with his right hoof, and in just a moment he had managed to hold both sticks up. He took a sigh of relief.

“So… how do you want to get started?” asked Leo, who had been swinging left and right in his chair.

“How about you guys start!” Raspberry sputtered. He calmed himself, and then he went on. “I’ll try to go along. Just... Just… start with whatever tune you want to run through. We’ll just be doing this right now for fun.” Fun, oh joy… what fun this will be…

“How about Mare-Do-Well?” Scouse asked— randomly plinking some of the C keys.

“I. HATE. THAT. SONG,” Flash yelled, and he held his bass away from himself. He recoiled as if the bass was some kind of alien monster.

“Take a deep breath, okay,” Leo said, “I’m sure that we already knew that the three-thousand, two-hundred and eighty-sixth time you said it.”

“You play that again, I’m just doing arpeggios for the entire four minutes,” Flash said, and he strapped the bass guitar back on.

“Look, it doesn’t have to be anything,” Leo said, “We’re just seeing how we sound together.”

“Of course it has to be something,” Scouse replied, still plinking those keys, “It doesn’t matter how well we like each other. We still have to perform together, and that’ll be playing super known pop songs.”

“It’s NOT EVEN that well known of a blasted song!” Flash screamed.

“Okay, okay!” Leo said. He jumped out of the chair and faced Flash and Scouse. “We don’t— we don’t have— we have literally all of the songs in the blasted world to choose from here!”

“Life in Manehatten then,” Flash muttered, and he plucked a few strings.

“Oh, wow,” Scouse said, and he stopped plinking to put his head in his hooves. He raised his voice, and went on. “You know, you and your girlfriend are the only ponies in the entire city who like that song.”

“There’s no accounting for taste,” Flash replied, folding his hooves.

“It’s not even fair to call it a ‘song’,” Scouse said, looking over at the two colts, “It’s a funeral dirge with a smattering of mindless solos.”

“Whatever!” Flash hollered.

“You are not seriously considering making at attempt at that monstrosity,” Scouse replied, “In front a shopper’s crowd, are you?”

“That’s not important at the moment,” Leo said, “At the moment it just… it…”

“What does it matter about the blasted shoppers and their PATHETIC little dresses and their PATHETIC little hats and their—” Flash interrupted his own ranting, and then said, “Look, we play good music, don’t we? That’s why we’re here.”

“But we—” Scouse began.

“We play good music, right!” Flash yelled.

“We—” Scouse began again.

“GOOD blasted music with a GOOD blasted sound of a GOOD skill and GOOD ability, don’t we!” Flash yelled, and he started hopping up and down in anger.

Scouse slammed both hooves on the piano, and then he turned to face Flash directly. “Now wait…”

“We…” Flash began.

“Wait just one moment!” Scouse interrupted, “We play pop music for the shopping masses. Okay?” Scouse stepped over by Flash. “For the masses. Got it?” He clenched his teeth with the words.

“Look, just,” Leo said, walking over with his guitar still in his hooves, “Just wait…”

“We play,” Flash said, clenching his teeth and restraining a huge scream in every word, “Good music.”

The band-mates were locked in a staring match. “Flash, for crying out loud, you already know he’s right,” Leo said, ruffling his thick hair with his right hoof.

“You don’t tell me what to do!” Flash said, twirling around.

“I’m not telling—” Leo began.

“Yes. You. ARE!” Flash said. He picked his bass up and held it atop his head. “This is a crying example of what I’ve been saying over and over again. Here you are, pretending as if you’re the band leader.”

“I’m just not… at ALL… trying to do that,” Leo muttered, scrunching his hooves in front of him.

“We’ve just left the train out of bossy-town, and now we’re all the way to passive-aggressive-ville,” Flash said, and then he pumped his left hoof up and down with a ‘Whoo-Whoo’ sound.

“Flash, you know he’s more than got a point,” Scouse said.

“There you go again, sucking up to bring it all back over again. Oh wow,” Flash sputtered, and then he turned back around to stare face to face with Scouse. “You just don’t understand… that all I can…”

“How about Mirror, Mirror?” Leo interrupted.

“NO!” the colts screamed simultaneously.

“Uh,” Leo hesitated, scuffing his head pretty hard with both hooves, “What about Yellow Stuffin’?”

“No!” Flash yelled.

“Romp in the Hay?” asked Leo. Scouse dropped his head down to the floor, and Flash smacked his head.

“Mare in the Moon?” Leo asked. Scouse puckered his face up while Flash let out an angry sigh.

“Blue Sugar Sky?” Leo asked. Scouse stared blankly while Flash hopped upwards. Flash stepped over and headed right to where Leo stood.

Leo pressed the sides of his face together with his hooves, squeezing down. He said through his fish-face, “Okay, seriously, look… maybe we should just suck it up and do Mare-Do-Well.”

“How about,” Flash said while smacking his right hoof against Leo’s left side, “You. Just. Shut. Up.”

“Well. How. About—” Leo began.

“Oooooh,” Flash cooed in a fake girly voice. He jumped up in the air, twirled his arms, and began prancing. “Ooooh… Mare-do-well!”

“Mare-do-well, mare-do-well, prissy little mare-do-well” he sang, and he stood running in place, “Mare-do-well flies and Mare-do-well cries, OH MY!”

“I know the song sucks!” Leo hollered, “Of course it’s for little fillies so it has to suck. BUT, why don’t you just go ahe—”

Flash snapped out of his reverie and flung back into Leo’s face. He yelled, “And, twerp, why don’t you—”

Leo yelled back, “WELL, MORON, YOU SHOULD—”

A rolling crescendo of drums sounded. With a loud ‘tap-thump- tap-thump- tap-thump- tap-thump- tap-thump- tap-thump- tap-thump’, the colts all sat back down. They turned around to look at Raspberry.

“Guys, seriously!” Raspberry shouted, “What is this— the freaking Troggs Tapes? Aren’t we here for just a little practicing?”

Chapter One Part Nine

“Uh, yeah,” Leo muttered.

“Okay, so you, loverboy, get back to that side of the stage,” Raspberry said, and Leo complied wordlessly. Flash went back to his spot without prompting. Scouse was already at the piano before Raspberry had looked over.

“Now what,” Leo said, “So… what? What song?”

“To hell… with the songs,” Raspberry calmly replied, “Just play.” Leo popped his hooves back in place on the guitar, and then Leo hesitated. Come on Raspberry, think. Just think. A song you like. What was the last one you really heard that you really remembered? It was… oh wait I know it…

Raspberry looked over at Leo and said, “Hang on a sec.” I know… it was ‘In the Street’ wasn’t it? From the ‘#1 Record / Radio City’ CD, damn nice CD… oh good that’s a damn simple song. I think. I hope.

“I—” Leo began.

Raspberry pointed over at Leo, saying, “Start playing… start playing a simple chord, mid-range notes-wise… just go at it a tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap real simple like.” I don’t even really understand what the hell those words really mean… at least not well…

Leo complied. Raspberry looked over at Flash, who had started to tap his hooves against the ground impatiently. Scouse hunched over the piano, motionless as a gargoyle.

“Flash, please just pluck again and again with an even note of silence in between. Like a ‘bum, pause, bum, pause, bum, pause’,” Raspberry said, and Flash did so. “Just a bit higher sounding, not that low.” Flash complied. “A hair higher.” Flash complied again.

“Scouse…” Raspberry began, and the pony looked over, “I… I don’t remember any piano part to this at the moment. Please just sit tight.”

“Can do,” Scouse calmly replied.

Leo seemed to have a look of despair over his face. Raspberry paused. Oh dammit, try to remember… He said to Leo, “It’s just a 1-2-3-4-5-6-7 count note by note getting higher.” Raspberry sang the numbers in that scale. “Then there’s a big slam on six. We hold it for a little bit. Then bounce back over to seven for a hair, and then slam on six again and hold it again. Repeat over and over again.”

Leo fumbled through. “I don’t get this riff at all. What are you trying to do here?” he asked.

“Just play with it, you’re a professional and you’ll see how it’s supposed to go,” Raspberry said. He took his drum sticks, and then he pounded them down with a slow tap. Oh God, this all sounds just awful… like Wesley Willis level awful… But most of it is me. Oh come on now, dammit, all of it is me!

Flash seemed to stare definitely at the wall, with his face carved in a big scowl. He methodically went through his slow plucking. Leo went through several different variations with the scale plus three bump riff. Raspberry paused the drumming for a second. Dammit, this is just not drumming. You know that it’s all energy. So give it some energy, dumbass!

Raspberry let out a loud growl, and then he pounded the drums and cymbals. In just about five seconds, he stopped. He started at his hooves, now empty.

“Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! HOLD IT!” Raspberry screamed. The rest of the group stopped. “Now where are my sticks?” The colts glanced all around. Flash pointed to a stick on the floor behind him. Raspberry reached out. A purple aura enveloped the stick, and then it flung through the air. It smacked in the back wall behind Raspberry, making a clang as if it had knocked down something.

“And the other one?” Raspberry said, mostly to himself. Leo tapped him on his right side, and then Leo pointed up. Raspberry looked up, and he saw the stick embedded into the ceiling. Raspberry extended his hooves. The stick nudged from side to side, and then he fell down towards Raspberry.

“MY EYE!” He screamed, rubbing his face with his hooves, “SON OF A BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII—” He fell backward off the drummer stool, and then his head smashed against something flat and hard. With a loud slam, he was out. The band-mates rushed towards him.

“Give me a second, hold on,” sputtered Leo, and he hold his hooves against Raspberry’s neck. He grabbed Raspberry’s side. “Oh gosh, he doesn’t seem to be breathing.”

Raspberry’s tongue fell a bit out of his mouth. “That can’t be good,” Scouse muttered.

“Flash!” yelled Leo, “Use your— your— your— emergency response training thing! Whatever the blasted thing is called! Do it!”

“I, I, I, I, know I r-really should,” Flash stammered, leaning right in front of Raspberry inches away from him, “But it, it— it means— going to lip to lip with him.”

“Come on!” Leo yelled, tapping Raspberry’s chest and cradling his head. “Look, I’d totally do it but I don’t know how! Quickly!”

“But— But— I only practiced on fillies!” Flash replied.

“Flash!” Scouse and Leo shouted.

“Pretend-he’s-a-mare, pretend-he’s-a-mare, pretend-he’s-a-mare, pretend-he’s-a-mare,” Flash muttered, moving in close. Flash pressed his face onto Raspberry’s face and locked their lips. Flash put both hooves on Raspberry’s chest and pumped down hard, while he buried his face even deeper.

It worked. Raspberry coughed a bit, and then his eyes sprang open. He saw Flash give a caring, feminine-sort of expression like a happy mother. Flash suddenly frowned.

“If you got tingly down there, then I’m going to rip your face off,” Flash muttered, and he stepped back. Scouse and Leo reached down to pick Raspberry up, both of them asking again and again if he felt okay and if he needed a glass of water or anything else.

“I’m, I’m just fine actually,” Raspberry calmly replied, and he sat back on the drummer’s stool. He paused, and then he got back off. He held out his right hoof and then nudged the stool four feet or so to the left. He followed suit with the drum set. When he sat back down, he made a satisfying glance behind him and saw soft-looking burly black bags of wires and cable rather than hard concrete.

“Wow, you’re a real trooper,” Leo said, smiling back at Raspberry as he put back on his guitar. In just a moment, the members we’re back to their positions.

“So, what are we playing now?” asked Flash.

“Playing… yes…” Raspberry muttered. Oh God, oh please… Oh… Just…

“Do you want me to just run through one of our own songs I wrote?” asked Leo, and he seemed to put on the gentle expression of an older brother, “You can just go in and start jamming how you want it, when you want it. Don’t worry.”

“Jam,” repeated Raspberry. He picked up a drum stick with his right hoof and held it about his head. It immediately slipped right out of his grasp with a ‘plink’. “Hey… I’d like to get some air…”

“That sounds more than reasonable,” replied Leo, and he began taking his guitar strap off.

Raspberry motioned over to the back door, and then he paused. He stepped through the room back to the entrance of the back alleyway. He walked outside and then gently shut the door behind him. Raspberry then got down on his hooves and buried his head on the ground.

“OH… GOD…” he cried, and he felt some tears beginning to come up, “Who am I kidding? I don’t know a goddamn thing.” He teared up a little. “Not a thing. Nope. No way.”

Raspberry heard some muttering. He turned around and then opened the door. He didn’t see anything.

“You know that we can hear still you from in here, right?” Leo asked from within the store’s main room. Raspberry walked back inside. He sat on the ground beside the door— clasping his hooves together and otherwise looking like a naughty kid in the principal’s office.

Leo walked up next to him and sat down. Leo put an understanding hoof beside Raspberry’s head. “Hey, do you even know what we do around here?”

Raspberry shook his head.

“HALF of what we’ve done, for the past several weeks now,” Flash said, “Is just sit around.” Flash swung both of his front hooves in the air. “On our rears. And wait. And wait. AND waaaaaaaaait.” Flash tapped his hooves against the ground. “For customers who have barely shown up since Twilight Crash left.”

“The other half of our time here,” said Leo, “We’ve spent sitting on a bench with some little pony or clueless adult who half-heartedly fumbles through nursery rhymes.” Scouse waved his right hoof in the air and made an approving grunt.

“So then…” Raspberry began.

“So,” Leo replied, “I teach for a LIVING. And I can’t tell you how happy it would make me to teach someone who’s actually is into music and has some kind of actual talent.” The other two band members nodded their heads.

“Look, I… I appreciate the gesture. I really do,” said Raspberry. “But just let me seriously think about things and get some air. I’ll be back in just a minute.”

Leo made an understanding smile, and then Raspberry walked down the alleyway towards Market Street. It had gotten very dark, and the once busy streets were totally deserted. Raspberry couldn’t shake off an unpalatable eerie feeling. He stopped and then scanned the entire street. Not a soul, but still he couldn’t help from feeling tailed.

He was now a few blocks from Knack’s place. He spotted a concrete stoop besides some clothing store and took a seat. Well… what the hell am I supposed to do? Does it even matter? This whole damn thing was a total waste of time from the get-go. He glanced at his reflection in a huge water puddle to his right.

Well… I don’t know. It’s important to Knack. So, then, it should be important to me. I help him, he helps me. But it just doesn’t make any sense! He kicked against the stoop. I know I was flying before. It was effortless. It felt just like breathing out when I threw myself at those drums.

Raspberry leaned back and started straight up at the moon. What was the difference? I guess it’s obvious. I didn’t hold on to anything. I didn’t actually touch anything. I used magic. But then HOW did I use THAT? Maybe I should just duplicate everything from the very beginning, starting with walking into the place. I suppose that makes total sense.

Raspberry reached out towards the moon. Wow, it looks so damn similar! It’s almost as if I’m still home… just as long as I don’t look down. Yet he looked back down. He then got back on his hooves. I guess I have some time. I’ll play ball with them. I’ve got a week. I’ll talk to the dragon guy tomorrow. I’ll talk to the Everfree Forest chick tomorrow. Between them I should have some clue about where to go. I’ll do a little playing with the Attractions, a few concerts… So what if we suck?

Most bands suck. I’ve got the time. I’ll work it all out. I just need to trust myself. Instinct. Instinct is what it’s all about. Raspberry accidentally stepped in the puddle. He stepped back, and then he leaned down to get a closer look at his reflection. Please, oh please… let I only see ONE pony… He saw just himself, but glowing, fuzzy blotches had begun creeping up in his eyesight.

He threw his head against the ground. “NOT AGAIN!” he screamed. He placed his hooves against his temples and rubbed. He felt as if he had jackhammers on his eyelids. He breathed in an obnoxious metallic odor, and it seemed to seep into every last inch of his head. He let out a loud whine. His pain built up higher and higher.

Then, in a matter of seconds, the feelings were totally gone. He stood back up and blinked repeatedly. His attack seemed over before it had even begun. Raspberry scanned the Market Street, seeing nothing.

“I’m— SO— not staying—” He panted as he ran back to Knack’s place. “To— see—whoever’s coming—”

A loud squeak sounded. Raspberry stumbled, and then he found himself thrown against the ground on his back. Raspberry opened his eyes and saw some commotion on the roof of the building beside him. He heard another squeak. Then came a series of quieter whining noises. He recognized the next noise as a distinct ‘meep meep’.

Raspberry got back on his hooves and continued running forward. A bright flash shot out of the side street beside him. Raspberry stopped. Well… dammit… too late… I might as well see what I’m going to be dealing with NOW. He very delicately poked his head over the corner.

A very short and very skinny clot wearing a dark blue cape and a matching dark blue sorcerer’s hat stood in the middle of the alleyway facing away from Raspberry. His inky black body shimmered in the moonlight. Raspberry took a deep breath, and then he stepped a little bit past the corner.

The alley ran to a quick dead end. The colt paid no attention to Raspberry, who slowly stepped even closer. The colt raised his right hoof, lowered it, and then raised his left hoof. He panted uncontrollably as he surveyed the wall at the end of the alleyway. Some mysterious pinkish film dripped down from the ends of the colt’s hooves, a color contrast that probably would make Rarity scream. The colt had a jagged, bent nose— as if he had taken a knife to the face— beneath his beady blue eyes.

“Where, where,” the colt murmured— with a voice that sounded to Raspberry like a younger, quieter Orson Wells. The colt also had this strong, pungent odor to him that almost seemed like stale cheese soaked in bubble gum.

Raspberry continued moving closer, but he tried not to make a sound. The colt’s small eyes darted back and forth. Suddenly, there was a motion on the wall at the end of the alley. The colt’s eyes turned from blue to black as he shoved his right hoof in the air. A flurry of blue sparks went off on top of a small crate, and a loud ‘meep meep’ sounded. The umbrella popped out into the middle of the street and began running about frantically. A trail of blue sparks erupted on the ground in front of it.

“Hey,” Raspberry said without thinking. The colt put his hooves down and turned over in Raspberry’s direction. Their eyes met.

“Oh, it’s you,” the colt calmly replied. He turned back towards the end of the alley. “Good, good. I trust you’re moving all according to plan.”

Raspberry stepped closer. The colt raised his right hoof again. His ears perked. A soft patter sounded over on the left wall. The colt shifted over, and then a smattering of blue sparks descended down the wall. The umbrella left into the air out of nowhere and then appeared in the middle of the street about twenty feet in front of them.

“Oh, you are mine now,” the colt declared, and his eyes seemed to flutter with blackness. The umbrella ran back straight to the end of the alley.

“NO!” Raspberry called out.

The colt paused and then nudged over a step towards Raspberry. Without taking his eyes off of the umbrella, he asked, “What, what is it?”

“Don’t. Don’t hurt him,” Raspberry said. The colt’s mouth opened, but he didn’t say anything. His eyes went back to blue. Raspberry went on, “Just leave him alone. Stop.”

The colt chuckled softly, and then he put his hoof back on the ground. He calmly asked, “What is it?”
“Just leave him alone!” Raspberry responded.

The colt jolted his head back and forth. He then turned himself around and faced Raspberry directly. The colt made a little grin, leaned his down, and then asked, “Why aren’t you with R.F.?”

“I… I…” Raspberry stammered. What the hell am I supposed to do with R.F.! What the hell are you thinking I’m supposed to be doing!

“Well, how about I,” the colt slowly said, raising his head back up. “Zap your dumb ass!”

A bright explosion of blue sparks riddled all over Raspberry’s chest. He buckled back and then crumbled onto the floor. He groaned worldlessly.

“Bow down to a true pimp, bitch!” yelled the colt, who stepped over Raspberry’s body.

“It…” Raspberry murmured, “It hurts you… you—”

“I don’t give a damn,” the colt replied, holding his head high and standing over Raspberry’s body. “I’m made out of pure magic, you dumb little ass.”

Raspberry whined. The colt stepped onto Raspberry neck with his front right hoof, and their eyes met.

“And you’d better get yourself in line, because I’m getting pretty damn tired of waiting for when it all starts to happen,” the colt went on, “Very, very tired. I know R.F. in particular has been extremely busy, and dammit we can’t all keep running around while you’re just walking. You know Celestia should have been your hooker by now. And then I’d have Luna all for myself.”

“What, what,” Raspberry moaned, still feeling as if his insides were on fire.

“And I’m pure magic, bitch. I’m magic. I’m magic,” the colt continued, closing his eyes and singing to himself. “I’m magic. I’m magic. I’m magic. I’m mag—” Raspberry heard a huge whack. The colt smashed the ground beside Raspberry. “Ic,” the colt spouted, and he seemed to freeze.

Chapter One Part Ten

Raspberry looked back up. Leo stood over them, panting heavily and holding a guitar cracked in half. He reached out a hoof and Raspberry took it. Flash waved from few steps behind Leo, and then he sped over. Scouse also waved from down at the entrance of the alley.

“So,” Leo began, “Who is this blasted pony?” Leo shoved the black colt with his back hooves, which remained still.

“I… I don’t really know,” answered Raspberry, and Leo and Flash looked back at him blankly. “Well, I suppose I sort of know… at least I know some part of our… ‘Relationship’, shall we say.”

A sudden flash of sparkly blue light shot up from underneath their hooves. The three of them immediately looked down to see the blue cape fluttering, and then nothing. The colt seemed to disappear into thin air.

“Well, that was… interesting,” Leo said, and he dropped the guitar to the ground.

“But I do basically know,” Raspberry said, rubbing the side of his face with his hooves, “I don’t know his name, but think I know pretty well why he’s here and what he’s after. I mean, he’s after the same thing I’m after I’m pretty sure.” He sounded like… we’re on the same ‘team’ or something? What the hell?

“Well?!” called out Flash. “What was that— thing?!”

“It’s, it’s,” replied Raspberry, “It’s a weird story, one that you’d find barely believable.”

“It often is the longest and least believable stories that are the truest,” Leo said, locking eyes with Raspberry. Leo patted Raspberry and Flash on their backs, and then all four colts started back home. It took a while for Raspberry to decide how much to tell them. He felt like he had no choice but to trust them. He desperately needed some kind of friends to help him out, anyway.

“I’m looking for something,” Raspberry said as the four of them creaked open the door to Knack’s place. He had been quiet for a while, with the three colts clearly seeing how deeply he was thinking. “It’s this gem-like thing. It’s a substance that looks like a rare jewel, but it’s originally not even from this world. And the gem has been put into his special amulet.”

“Then what on earth are you doing here?!” Sparks said, giving Raspberry a soft smack on the side. “Get yourself to Spark’s jewelry place.”

“No, no, no,” Raspberry said, glancing at the floor as he shook his head. Ugh… I hate if I have to keep giving this little lecture to peop— to ponies.

“Whatever it is, you can tell us,” Scouse said, and then he twirled his hair around with his right hoof. “I GUARANTEE you that we’ve seen weirder things on the road.”

“Like— like— like” Flash began, tapping Scouse’s head, “Like that one time. When we we’re touring with Crush and going alongside Ponyville. The gig was totally canceled but we only found out when he got there later. But anyways, Crush kept saying that we needed to shortcut through the woods. And Twilight was all like, ‘No, way, that just has to be a dead end’. And I was all like, “Listen to Twilight, let’s just out of this blasted place’.”

“And Flash made Crash made his silly little scrunched face— he hates being called ‘Twilight’ since he thinks it’s only a mare’s name,” Scouse said, chuckling.

“Yeah, yeah,” Leo muttered, smiling big. “Keep going.”

“And then we went through the forest, and it just got darker and darker. And of course Twilight was totally tired,” Flash went on, “So, we all parked on this flat sort of mini-field thing. Twilight set himself up with this deluxe sleeping bag thing— all separate from the rest of us, of course— right on what looked like the comfiest spot. There was all of this soft marshy stuff on the ground.”

“Then, we all get to sleeping,” Scouse interrupted.

“Right, we all get to sleeping,” Flash continued, and then he muttered, “Hey, I’m telling it… okay…”
Scouse shrugged and took a step back.

“Sleeping,” said Flash, “And around half an hour into it, we start hearing this low moaning. Real pleasurable and real… like… ‘wanting’. So, Scouse, Leo, and I got up really slow and walked over to the side. And then just guess what we saw…”

“Yeah, totally!” Leo remarked.

“S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-snakes,” Flash said, playing with the ‘s’, “He had set himself up on a bed of blasted SNAKES. And they were like these super-long, super-wide mutant snakes. But that’s not the best part. It was that they were all creeping and slithering over him, and he was just loving it. I mean LOVING it. Twilight was totally sound asleep, but he felt this one really, really long black one going down his shirt. And he had… the stupidest grin…”

Leo pressed against the sides of his face and curled up his cheeks while sticking his tongue out.

“Yeah!” Flash said, “And oh, he was moaning and groaning softly as he was all rubbed and everything.” Flash tried to keep himself from laughing. “And then, when we realized that we just had to wake him up… Scouse over there shouted.”

“I screamed, ‘Hey, Twilight!” said Scouse.

Flash said, “And then, he bounced upwards like THAT,” Flash smacked one hoof upon another. “He twisted all about, grabbing himself. And then he screamed like he was trying to raise— the— dead!”

“Then he turned to me,” Leo said, pointing his hoof straight up, “He screamed, ‘Bottle! Bottle! BOTTLE!’ And it took a second for me to register, but then I tossed the green vial that he had given me two days before. And, what do you know—”

“In maybe four seconds, tops, Twilight had poured all of the stuff all over himself and all where he sat,” Flash said, “And then he jumped a step away, shot his hooves out, and then made this incantation. His horn was glowing as bright as a lighthouse.”

“These green sparkles flashed all over that spot,” Leo said, fluttering his hooves about, “And just like that!” He snapped the end of his hooves together. “There was nothing. No snakes. No sleeping bag. No mossy spot. Just one terrified colt, but now— fully naked.”

The three band members looked right at Raspberry, all of them making huge smiles.

“Uh… okay,” Raspberry said.

“The point is,” Scouse began, tapping Raspberry’s side, “Just tell us the truth. We’ll believe every word.”

Raspberry took a deep breath. He then filled the three colts in with what he had told Sparks and Knack. He also added a bit about his mental difficulties— in particular about his dealings with the since deceased lamp and the umbrella still on the loose— and what the cowpony had said. Raspberry skated around the whole human thing, though, and he kept mum about where he originally had come from.

“Well, then,” Leo said, rubbing his hooves together, “The answer is easy.”

“Easy,” Raspberry repeated, “How… can it be easy.”

“Or… at least…” said Leo, now glancing about evasively, “The next step is easy. You have to talk to a dragon. For sure.”
“Yeah,” Flash said, “There’s probably some legend. And that legend is probably true. And some real life house or museum or office or something holds what you’re looking for.”

“Of course, in the past few days finding a dragon is easier said than done,” Scouse said.

“But,” Leo commented, “This is quite literally THE best place to see dragons and ponies mingling together. Ever since their own clubs and bars on the other side of Coltsville closed, this is the only place I’ve seen a dragon walk into.”

“Yeah, that’s what Knack said,” Raspberry muttered, “I guess I’ll just wait…” Still, something really tells me I should be getting my ass to Everfree Forest. Just the name seems to trigger something in my mind.

The colts walked back into the main room. They seemed to gravitate towards their instruments without thinking. Scouse randomly played the beginning to some bouncy sonata, stopped, and then turned around to face the rest of the band.

“I, for one,” he said, brushing his hair out of his eyes, “Don’t see why you don’t grab your things, march outside, take the next pegasus ride to Canterlot, walk up to the castle, and then tell Celestia every single word you just told us.”

The very words ‘pegasus ride’ seemed to trigger a small panic attack in Raspberry. He visualized several solid minutes of vomiting, wetting himself, and non-stop screaming. Before Raspberry said a word, Flash called out, “Oh. My. Goodness. Are you really going to send him to his death sentence like that?”

“Death sentence?” Scouse replied, rolling his eyes. “Well, really? Seriously?”

“If she was so cold-blooded,” Flash began, grabbing his bass. “Black-hearted,” He threw the strap over his head. “And block-headed,” He thrust down his fist and heard a loud purr. “To her own sister, her own flesh and blood— her OWN SISTER.” He tapped out a chord. “Giving her a few THOUSAND YEARS banishment. What could possibly make you think she wouldn’t turn Raspberry into a smoking pile of ash? Or at least blow his rear to the moon.”

“A sister,” Scouse replied, plinking some of the low keys, “That, I’d like to remind you… tried to bathe Equestria in ETERNAL DARKNESS.”

“So…” Flash muttered, going on with his impromptu jam. “What’s so blasted bad about that? It’s too blasted hot and sunny outside with long enough days…”

“The point is!” Scouse called out, getting more annoyed and plinking the keys harder, “Given that Raspberry has done absolutely NOTHING to hurt ANYONE and he’s going to an alicorn that is supposed to represent love and tolerance for help—”

“Noone in this world is going to help you for anything. Period. Everything in this world has to be either earned, or taken, that’s the reality of life,” Flash replied, moving his hooves as if he was giving a lecture.

“You know you don’t really mean that,” Leo said. The three colts began grousing at each other again, and Raspberry quickly tuned them out. He kept trying with the drums, replaying in his mind that classic two-bits Bo Diddley beat that he’d hear hundreds of times before. He tapped the drums aimlessly for a little bit, but soon a light-bulb went over his head.

“Something simple, right?” Raspberry asked. The three colts looked at him. “So, maybe something in like the Chuck Berry or Little Richard vein?” They kept looking at him. “Okay, then maybe something in the ‘Berry Punch’ and ‘Little Orchard’ pony-world vein?” Raspberry started straight at the drums, and he visualized one of the songs that had been rattling around in brain over and over again for the past week.

The sticks floated in the air and slammed down that bombastic *thumpa thumpa thumpa*beat that he desperately wanted. “Yeah!” he screamed. He clapped his hooves to the rhythm.

“Awwwww— see! See-See Rider! I said— see! What— you have done now!” Raspberry sang. He flung out his right hoof and the piano, totally bathed in purple, began playing the melody. He let out a happy screech while bouncing up and down. The rest of the band continued to blankly stare at him, but he paid no attention.

“What else, what else?” Raspberry yelled, and then he sped out the door. He flung himself up the stairs into his room, grabbed his iPod, and then flung back down. The piano and drums kept hammering away as he ran. Raspberry threw the iPod down onto the drummer stool, clicked the wheel over to Mitch Ryder, and then cranked the volume to the max. He tipped his glowing horn at the earbuds, and the sound began to fill the room.

“OOOOH!” shrieked Flash as he twirled himself about like a tornado. He clutched his bass against his chest and began flipping through the funky beat. Leo followed immediately— closing his eyes and pounding the guitar without mercy. Scouse gave up competing with Raspberry’s magical piano playing and started shaking the maracas.

“NOW!” Raspberry announced, about a minute or so into the song, “It’s time for The Attractions’ version!” He magically clicked off the iPod and then kicked it off of the stool. He reached up his front hooves like a sorcerer casting a spell. “Jenny, Jenny, Jenny! Won't you come along with me! Jenny, Jenny! WHOOOOOO— Jenny, Jenny!”

The three colts seemed to be having the time of their lives. Leo knelt back and flung his hoof back and forth like a spinning top. Flash bit his lip, closed his eyes tightly, and hopped upwards as if he was about to fly. Raspberry jumped off the stool and pointed both hooves at Flash. Raspberry screamed, “Just GO! Pony GO!”

Flash thrust the bass in front of him and his hooves seemed to melt. He sped through note after note, chord after chord. He made a huge kick, leaned back, and balanced the bass on his chest while still flowing through his solo. Raspberry pounded the tom-toms and then smacked around the cymbals, trying his best to keep up.

Leo banged through a quick burst of notes— shifting the guitar side to side almost as if he was juggling it. Flash began building a scream. The whole group just built up and up and moved faster and faster. Then, Raspberry threw himself to the floor and bellowed, “Jenny! Jenny! JENNY!” He heard the lights above him flashing and then popping just like fireworks.

Everypony paused. They then immediately congratulated each other, all smiles. Flash in particularly looked just like the cat that had just swallowed the canary.

“Holy cheese and crackers!” Flash called out, rubbing his sweat-soaked mane.

“Wow, just… wow…” Leo said, feeling a bit in shock, “I haven’t felt that way since Crush left.”

“Absolutely,” Scouse added.

“And just where,” Leo said, shaking his head, “Where did you possibly learn that magic?”

Raspberry’s smile left. “I… uh… learned…” he stammered. “Nothing.”

“Nothing?” the three colts asked in unison, which creeped Raspberry out.

“Nothing,” Raspberry replied, “I’ve never learned anything, at all, about magic… from anyone…”

“Well, I know we’ve been through this, but seriously,” Flash said, giving Raspberry a gentle whack to the side, “I’ve never seen that kind of magic playing before. Oh sure, I’ve seen ponies use magic. But I’ve never— EVER— seen a pony walk completely out the room… and the blasted instruments kept playing WITHOUT HIM!”

“Oh…” Raspberry said, making a nervous chuckle, “I didn’t… even… notice… that…”

“And you turned whatever tiny electronic gizmo you’ve got there,” Scouse said, “Magically loud enough that they could hear it outside.”

“And— again, all of this at the same time that you played two instruments without seeing them— you blew out all of the bulbs after a little lightshow,” Flash said, and Raspberry suddenly felt embarrassed.

“Sorry about that,” Raspberry replied. Without really thinking, he threw himself back and shot his hooves to the air. A loud sucking sound flew through the room and the ceiling became bathed in purple light. The lines of bulbs seemed to twist and pulse like caterpillars coming out of pupas. In just a few seconds, all of the lights had been reformed good as new.

“Aw, come on, we’re not going to have another lamp-like performance are we?” Raspberry asked himself. Not lit? Dammit. He closed his eyes and his horn began glowing brightly. He twitched his ears. The lights went back on. A-ha, fabulous!

“Uh— uh—uh— uh— uh—” Flash muttered. Raspberry suddenly realized that all three colts had their mouths open.

“Well…” Raspberry began, “Umm, sorry about that. Maybe we should rehearse outside next time.”

“Are those… permanent?” Scouse muttered. He ambled up onto the piano stool and then onto the piano. He stood up high, reached out, and touched a few bulbs. “Praise Celestia, they’re the real deal. It’s a total and complete transmogrification.”

“I fixed the bulbs, so yeah, they sure as hell are permanent,” Raspberry retorted, “Look— can’t we just drop this and get back to—”

“You’re… you’re not…” Leo began, “An… alicorn? Are you?”

“Alley— corn?” Raspberry murmured. Flash suddenly pulled down part of his pants and lifted part of his suit. “HEY!”

“He’s clean,” Flash calmly said. Raspberry went as if to smack Flash’s hoof, but he didn’t.

“An alicorn,” Leo said, “It’s like Princess Celestia or like Princess Luna. Or like… somepony else.” He tapped his head. “Okay then, I guess there’s only two. I think. But anyways, they’re the ponies that have both wings AND a horn AND special strength.”

“Well, it’s one for three here,” Raspberry replied. He felt rather annoyed, and he went back over to grab his iPod and slide it into his suit pocket. He walked back over to where the three colts sat in the middle of the floor. “Oh, geez, you guys seriously look like you’ve never seen magic before. Don’t you see that sort of thing like every second of every day?”

“Raspberry,” Leo said, seizing Raspberry’s face with his hooves and setting themselves up eye to eye, “Do you realize— that even the SMARTEST unicorns who have spent their ENTIRE LIVES studying magic are usually unable to do in days what you just did in TWENTY SECONDS?”

“I guess I didn’t,” Raspberry answered. He jerked out of Leo’s hold and trotted over to the door upstairs. “Now, seriously guys, stop joking with me. I’m super freaking-hungry and super-freaking tired. So I’m going to hit the buffet and then the hay. It’s either ‘nap’ or ‘sleep’. So, should we run through some of our specific setlist tonight?”

The three colts stared upwards at the lights, which they apparently expected to burst into flames or something. Raspberry rolled his head around, and then he said, “Okay, silence means— ‘sleep’.”

“Is it just me,” Scouse muttered, “Or does the rest of the ceiling besides the lights look… cleaned?”

“I’ve been working here for four— blasted— years,” Leo declared, “And now I learn that it’s actually painted— white.”

Raspberry hurled himself upon his bed. He took off his suit, undershirt, and belt and threw them into the laundry basket. He began to go for the pants but they seemed stuck like a lollipop to a theater floor. Raspberry waved his hands in annoyance and just leaned flat down. He gazed out the window.

The moon looked so beautiful. He felt himself drifting off already. His eyes trailed the shooting stars darting about around the moon. One of those… just might be home…

=End Chapter One

Chapter Two Part One

Raspberry stirred. He shifted a little in the bed— feeling somewhere between pure sleep and being woken up. He tried to pull the blanket closer, but for whatever reason it wouldn’t budge. He tugged harder, and then his body bumped up against something hard and scratchy. Raspberry let the blanket go. He flipped himself to the other side. His eyes edged open.

“Well, hello there,” said a low, guttural voice. Raspberry stared at a wall of greenish purple scales.

“AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” he yelled.

“AAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” yelled back the scaly thing.

Raspberry leapt out the bed. His two pillows magically floated over his head as he panted, ready to be used as a weapon. The creature delicately pulled the blanket off of itself. It was about one and a half times Raspberry’s size. Its body had this gritty dark purple color all over it except for the large greenish black splotches on its chest, stomach, and chin. It had little purple flaps on its sides that looked like budding wings. A dark green Mohawk with jagged yellow stripes shot out of its head. It had a pointy snout and an enormous set of sparkly white teeth locked in a devious grin.

“Did— did— did— did,” Raspberry stammered, still panting, “Did you have your freaking HAND down my PANTS?”

“I’m afraid my wings don’t flap that way,” the creature replied, using an earthy voice that sounded like it was filtered through a set of bourbon soaked kitchen cabinets, “Sorry to break your heart.” It smiled again, and Raspberry knew that those teeth could chop off a whole hoof effortlessly. Raspberry stared at those big, green slits it had for eyes.

“So… exactly what the…” he began.

“Fever Slash,” it declared, and it sat up on the bed, “The name’s Fever Slash.”

“And you’re... doing… what?” Raspberry asked as he set down the pillows and felt a bit more relaxed. Slash’s facial expression and posture had shifted. Slash almost looked like Raspberry like a drug dealer hanging out on a street corner. Raspberry spotted a small tail jutting out of the end of the bed. He put two and two together— some kind of dragon.

“Knack’s been really busy lately,” Slash said, scratching his hands idly, “And I get the feeling that it’s ‘Holy glomp, I actually need to keep my business from failing’ busy and not ‘What a great excuse to go around with the wife of a close friend’ busy. So, almost all that I’ve been told was that you needed to see me.”

“Uh… yes,” Raspberry responded, and he took a seat besides the dragon, “I heard that you’d be the one to help me out. Or someone like you.”

“You sound like—” Slash began, but then he finished his own thought, “Oh, hey, I suppose you’ve never seen a dragon before, right?” Raspberry shook his head no. “Well then, I suppose you’d expect them to be— say— a lot taller and bigger?”

Raspberry shook his head yes. The dragon chuckled, and he said, “Well, you’ll just have to give me some more years before then…”

“Sure, whatever,” Raspberry replied. So… adolescent dragon? He has that teenager-y attitude down pat. But it’s weird, just weird… He looks more like an anthropomorphic thing, more human than dragon. Geez, I wonder what the females look like at this age? Do they wear bras, panties, and dresses? Dare I say I would find them— hot… He gave his head a soft smack with his right hoof. Come on now, concentrate, you twerp!

“One moment,” Slash said, and he pulled up a large and very beat-up brown backpack, “I suppose that…” He rummaged through it, tossing some papers and a few bobble-head dolls out onto the bed. “I lied a bit when I said Knack didn’t tell me anything.” He seized a set of small, musty books. “He DID tell me you were looking for something important. Knack filled in some tasty particulars as to what that is.”

“The jewel,” Raspberry said.

“The AMULET,” Slash declared, and then he slammed an old, battered book onto the middle of the bed. The front cover read ‘Founding Stories of Equestrian Cities’. Slash thumbed through the pages delicately, and he stopped at the forth chapter— ‘Coltsville’. “I had to call in a favor to get this book, you know. Nominally, this is the property of one ‘Twilight Sparkle’, whoever that is. But she hasn’t picked it up for weeks and weeks since she’s ordered it.” Slash grinned once again. “Same story for the other books.”

“So…” Raspberry began, putting his hooves on the edge of the book. Slash grabbed it and pulled it back towards himself.

“I’m afraid that, first,” Slash said, “I’d like to know— I need to know. What exactly is it you’re planning with this thing, and why do you want it so bad.” His face grew more and more serious.

“It’s… interesting,” Raspberry replied. He took a deep breath, and then he told Slash his story. Raspberry skated around the whole human-related side of things, but he spared no detail about his physical attacks and the various things that he had brought into Equestria. Slash seemed like he had experiences dealing with evil creatures and strange magic before. Raspberry reiterated that he thought, for whatever reason, that he ought to be packing his bags to Everfree Forest.

“Forest…” Slash repeated, and he shut his eyes— deep in thought, “Everfree. Forest. That name is just… just… so blasted familiar. I’ve heard it before. Many times before. But I can’t remember at all.” Slash tapped his head with his hands. “Blast it, this is going to drive me crazy.”

“Sure, but then again, you had something,” Raspberry said, reaching for the book again, “Something important to tell me about legends…”

“Not legends, HISTORY,” Slash retorted, and he smacked his claws on the open chapter, “It bugs me to no blasted end how these pudding-for-brains ponies keep pretending as if what actually happened is just ‘legend’, ‘myth’, ‘old mare’s tales’, whatever….” Slash waved his arms about.

“So you have a lead?” Raspberry asked, trying again to get to the point.

“Oh, my friend, my new friend,” Slash replied, “I have leadsssssssssssss.” He hissed a bit like a snake.

“All right!” Raspberry said, now putting his full attention on what the book said.

Slash began narrating along, “Now then… where should we start? Well, it’s already common knowledge— and also excruciatingly boring, feel-good garbage— that once upon a time the land ponies, pegusi, and unicorns were all separate and didn’t get along. Then, they started fighting more than usual. There was this blizzard or whatever, and then they fled from the badlands to what we know call Equestria. They learned love and tolerance, and then they integrated with each other. Or course, the dragons are totally ignored in this narrative— since it’s typical Canterlot royal office mumbo-jumbo.”

“True mumbo-jumbo, but still mumbo-jumbo,” Slash went on, “And at first there wasn’t really much of a central government. Along came Discord, and things got fun and interesting. But it was also rather painful and rather scary. The Princesses booted out Discord and set up their monarchy. Maybe there’s another step in between then, but whatever. None of this interests us. At ALL. What DOES interest us, however, is where the cities come in.”

“All of the cities have their own founding story or— usually— founding storieS,” he said, emphasizing the ‘s’, “Canterlot’s is, obviously, royal related. Manehatten’s two stories, and all of the spinoffs, are pretty awesome. And then there’s some other stuff, not really interesting or important, and then we come to this chapter. Now, Coltsville’s early history has always been unique. Even before things really settled elsewhere between the tribes, in Coltsville pretty much anything went. Unicorns got with earth ponies. Pegasus ones picked up unicorns. And this has always been a place FOR dragons made by dragons. So you might thing that the dragons would be a bit upset as trader and manufacturing ponies built a nice big town around their little villages.”

“But then,” Slash continued, and he almost seemed to blush a little, “It was exactly the claim to fame of Coltsville that what kept the dragons in line. It’s hard to worry about being swamped by interloping ponies when, well, you’re marrying their daughters. And all of the commercial trade was like the bricks that the widespread, free-wheeling romances globed onto as mortar. I mean, seriously, you had about a fifty-fifty chance of hooking up with a member of your own group as another group in the early days! Very interesting, yeah! But I know you’re wondering, clearly, what has any of this to do with the blasted amulet we’re looking for?”

“Well, as you would guess, the founding stories all have messages of tolerance. Messages of loving the outsider, of opening up your home, of never doubting the kindness of others, of never being too afraid of the unknown and the scary,” he went on, growing bored with his own speech, “Blah blah blah! What caught my eye, and didn’t let it go, was this story here. It’s a minor one, in terms of the rest of the collection. But it still related to one of the oldest and wealthiest merchant families in town.”

Raspberry surveyed the new page. He had trouble understanding pony writing, but this in particular looked like… nothing he had never even dreamed of. It looked like some bastard form of cuneiform mixed in with Greek as well as hieroglyphics.

“Huh, oh, sorry,” Slash said, “It’s the dragon form of the poem. I’ll just say it for you out loud, then.” Slash gulped his throat and tried to steady his voice.

“Thanks,” Raspberry muttered.

“Verily!” he declared in a much more regal voice, pointing his arm to the air as if preaching to hundreds, “For it has been told / All from the life of Manechester the Bold / ‘Twas a simpler time / And a simpler age / Yet Manechester was one with wisdom most sage / Hark, then was the founding / ‘Twas so many moons ago / Back, the time shall flow / A mill, a family place / Manechester, with a life most humble / And then, suddenly, the sky did rumble / Lost, fearing, growing weary / He wandered abound into a sacred ground / He did not know what would be found…”

Raspberry gazed at Slash, totally enchanted.

“’Twas the grave of his mother / Remembering, his heart did flounder / But, suddenly soon came the crack of thunder / He sped down the path / Memory quickly filled the way home / But not too far did he thus roam / For there, he did step / And for a long time he did tumble / His possessions he did fumble / ‘Twas a foul pit, a summoning area / Lying prostrate, flat on the ground / He felt the foul magic all around / His heart grew quick / His horn grew bright / He shouted off into the night…” Slash continued.

“The dark ones crept up / His horn grew stronger / He called out with the soul of his mother / The love, imprinted, flowed through his heart / Determined, that was his eyes / Full escape, that was his prize / Stepping ahead, with true resolve / A foul unicorn stepped into sight / Manechester shouted with all his might…” Slash went on.

“Verily! I say to you now / At that moment, a stunning shock / A smashing noise like a falling rock / Lights flowing everywhere / Glowing atop the nearby spike / THUNDERSTRIKE!” Slash threw himself into the air and jumped atop the bed while flailing his arms. He paused, embarrassed a little, but then he quickly went on. “These great powers focused / But you must understand / It did not all go as planned / For the love in his heart / And the faith in his soul / It came to a head in that forsaken hole / All the power went back on them / The dark ponies went in retreat / Their goals were in total defeat…”

“Verily! And then, he saw it / Lying there, sitting atop the spike / Resting amidst a pool of pinky-white / A mysterious flowing, like enchanted smoke / He paused and did gaze / He reached unafraid through the haze / He took, a hunk now set as his prize / Something of magic never known before / Something of value never seen in a store / And as he made the journey home / Manechester saw, the sky did clear / His mill and family grew ever near…” Slash said, opening his arms out as Raspberry pictured the opened sky.

“He took his heirloom, set it right / He told them all about his story / They saw in the item, reflected glory / ‘Twas something special, imbibed power / They gazed on it, with the lightest red / Now, an amulet hanging over their head / Foolish may say, some other diamond / A whiter ruby, they may claim / But those with wisdom see the fame / For gaze with your eyes, and know / Detail and patterns going on and on / A complex beauty never gone…” Slash continued, and he got back down off of the bed.

“Manechester the bold, such a life / All that he earned, such glory / Such wide travels, all for another story / Yet the story truly began here / Manechester’s success, keeping on / As he protects his heirloom, never gone!” Slash concluded, and then he sat right down beside Raspberry.

“That was— just— beautiful,” Raspberry said, tapping Slash’s shoulder.

“Thanks,” the dragon responded, blushing, “I… I know it pretty well, actually. I performed it back when I was a kid. It was in school when they had to put on a show for the baby dragons. Mom really wanted me to do this one since the moral was that he preserved from the love of— Who else?— his mother. I remember, Spike stood up and clapped, but he was the only one. The rest of them seemed pretty bored. Or they we’re already sleeping.”

“So, uh,” Raspberry said, with what seemed like a hundred questions bouncing about in his head, “It’s a great story. But, there’s not really a… a ‘there’ there. I mean, sure, he got the amulet. And he recognized it as a sui generis sort of thing that came from something not of this world. But he didn’t DO anything with it. He just finds it and then… that’s it? Is it?”

“Oh,” Slash replied, scratching his head, “That’s the trickiest thing about these stories. It’s like reading ONE part of ONE letter sent from a pony to his friend. You don’t know the context.” He flipped through the pages. “The beginning, the end, the other side of the page… All of that’s still a mystery…” He flipped faster, not finding what he was looking for.

“And another thing,” Raspberry commented, “We don’t even know… I mean, come on now, ponies find weird gems all of the time. Some of them have special powers. Just because this ONE pony back hundreds of years ago found this ONE gem doesn’t mean anything.” He collapsed down onto the bed. “Dammit, it’s like looking for a needle in a needle-stack. And I don’t even know what it looks like…”

“It looks like this,” Slash said, and he tapped Raspberry’s lapel on the dresser besides the bed, “That’s something at least…” Slash kept on flipping through. He let out an angry growl and then turned to the front cover. He started going through the whole book again.

“Like that…” Raspberry said blankly.

“Sure,” Slash went on, “I mean, obviously, what you have on your suit right now isn’t all you need to get back home, or you would have done it already. But it’s the same… same kind of material. Before I walked through the door, I thought the Manechester story was a long shot, but it’s looking better and better. Seriously. Like you told Knack and then me, you remember that fluffy cotton candy-ish stuff is the same material the gem is made of. That’s what the magical colt had on him as well.”

Slash quit talking and went back to studying. He scratched his head. He took out another ancient book from his backpack and hurled it onto the bed. “Well… maybe I was…” he muttered.

The lapel… the thing that I’ve had on me… THIS WHOLE TIME? I could have pulled a Dorothy, this whole FREAKING TIME? Raspberry seized the lapel and then clutched it. He stared straight at it. It’s it… it’s that… it’s… it’s… The color and everything is right. I can’t remember— no, wait, I CAN remember. I at least remember. We had the fluid, the gassy material. I’d caught it. And then, before we did experiments on it, we sort of molded it… and it sort of naturally molded itself… into this rock thing. Like a… well, not a gem, more like a rock you’d pick up at a playground but still. STILL! I HAVE IT!

Raspberry closed his eyes and squeezed the small gem on the lapel. He started muttering, “No place like home. No place like home. NO PLACE. LIKE. HOME.”

“You said something?” Slash asked. Raspberry shook his head, and then he cast the lapel off onto the floor like a used napkin.

“Ahhh… crap,” he murmured. Well, that’s not what the cowpony said. That’s not what instinct tells me. (Aren’t those two things the same anyway?) The cowpony, ‘Mr. RF’, told me that I need something else. And I guess that makes sense. In the human world, we had this thing a bit bigger than a baseball— to harness all of its power inside. This little thing here is only about half the size of the golfball. If anything, it feels like this guy was carved out of whatever REAL gem is out there… somewhere.

“A-ha!” Slash called out, and he smacked his claw upon a page. He grabbed Raspberry’s collar and then pressed Raspberry’s face right onto the book. “So, for whatever reason they put this story under ‘Manehatten’. But that’s absurd, right? It happens in COLTSVILLE! But then, the unicorn that the story is told about lived in Manehatten, so they classified it that way. Pretty stupid, huh?”

“Stooopid,” Raspberry squeaked through his puckered lips. Slash let Raspberry go, and Raspberry immediately sat back up.

“So, anyways,” Slash said, “I’m not going to reenact this since it’s not in verse. I’ll just tell you. It’s a long-ish story heavy on period details that are completely irrelevant to us. Yadda-yadda-yadda, here’s Morning Sparks. He’s a fine upstanding citizen. Et cetera. Boring details.” Slash fluttered through a few pages. “Okay, then he goes on a business trip to Coltsville. He gets there… then there’s some stuff…” Slash’s voice trailed off. “Oh, come ON. Where’s the…” More flipping occurred. “Okay, HERE we go…”

“What happened?” asked Raspberry.

“So, along comes in the Manechester family,” Slash begin, “There’s a pointless setup about a contest, and there’s an obvious moral about not to be greedy and not to brag too much— all shoved right into the reader’s face. Ho hum. But what interests us is what Manechester does so that he can win. He takes his amulet. And, then…”

“Then, what?” Raspberry asked, hanging on every word.

“Ah…” Slash said, “The text is disappointingly vague. With is sooooooo ironic, since this is the ONE DETAIL in the story that anyone would actually care about. Strong’s commentary notes on the side of the page…” Slash traced his claw on the batch of writing. “Well, right. He says that a chunk of the original manuscript was apparently damaged. When it was all pierced together, all that was left was something like— ‘he used the purest magic of harmony to activate the inner power’. Very vague, yeah.”

“Okay…” Raspberry said, sounding defeated.

“But then there’s what comes next,” Slash said, “So, Manechester feels defeated. He thinks nothing happened. He goes about his day. Late, late that night, someone in town encounters a strange beast. Manechester realizes through a clever little mini-story that the beast was set loose by him. He searches for it but nothing happens. Very, very late that night, the beast breaks into this own house.”

“Please, please go on,” Raspberry said.

“Now, he discovers that the beast is intelligent. He feels a responsibility since it was his entire fault anyway. He takes a fatherly pity on the beast, as well. He decides that he shall welcome the beast in as a member of his family,” Slash went on, “Now, two things. First, there’s lots and lots of pretentious moralizing about learning to love strangers, about the need for compassion, and so on. Ignore all that. What’s important is the description.”

“It’s it… it’s the gem,” Raspberry replied, “That’s it. That has got to be it. It’s what I’m looking for. When it’s exposed to a great power source in some particular way— I don’t know that yet but I’ll find out— it opens up travel between worlds.”

“Now,” Slash said, “They say ‘beast’, but they don’t mean it in the negative sense, just in the descriptive, ancient sense. I thought you’d be interested in the details for the beast’s appearance. It walks upright at almost all times. It’s a very pale color, with some pink and a bit of orange and a bit of brown…”

Raspberry picked up before too long that Slash was describing a human boy in his early teens. Raspberry wanted to say something, but he decided to be a bit evasive. Okay, there’s no shadow of doubt in my mind now. But still… why did he come in, as a human? With a human body? I wonder if something reversed. If somehow he wasn’t quite human, but was mutated in some way just like I was… Maybe he was a pony on the inside but human on the inside, somehow?

“Now, is any of that familiar?” Slash asked.

“Kind of…” Raspberry replied, brushing around his mane, “I can’t really remember that well. Sorry.”

“But, then again, as much as there’s parasprites and manticores and goodness knows what else in Equestria— I’ve yet to find ANY other story,” Slash said, “And I mean— ONE— SINGLE— STORY— that describes such a creature besides this story. It’s got to be from an alternate world.”

“This is wonderful,” Raspberry said, cracking a huge smile, “We know where it was. It shouldn’t be too hard to track down where it ended up going.”

“Ah,” Slash said, “But then there comes ‘thing two’ of my little ‘now, two things’ spiel. The story has…” Slash tossed back and forth pages, growing irritated. “Oh, here we go again. Details. Details. Moralizing. Details. Moralizing. More moralizing. Tear-jerking moralizing. Blah-blah-oh, HERE we go!” He surveyed this new page with his claw. “So, anyways, they kind of keep the beast close by in their mostly close knit part of the city. There’s not much of an issue. But then, if you remember Morning Sparks won the bet at first. But then he turned out to have lost it, as bringing in an otherworldly creature is some really blasted impressive magic.”

“Yep!” Raspberry commented.

“So, Morning Sparks, he got angry and resentful. There’s more obvious lessons here about not being a sore loser, not bragging, etc. Anyways, Morning Sparks steals the amulet. He does his own thing. Days go by, and it seems that nothing happened. Manechester gets the gem back. There’s fighting. There’s some uninteresting details. But what happens in the end, that’s very interesting. Now, the story shifts perspective to Marks, a close dragon friend of Manechester. We don’t get to see what exactly the two unicorns do to the amulet, albeit accidentally. But we do know that in their fight, they use together this foul magic that brings out a horrible Discord— that’s the exact wording, by the way, ‘a horrible Discord’,” Slash went on.

“A reference to… that guy, with the evil and stuff,” Raspberry said.

“Right, right,” Slash said, “So then, there’s a huge explosion. They release this terrifying thing. And it’s…” Slash flipped up a few pages and then back again. “The part there is pretty fragmented. What we know about the thing was that it was house-sized and dark grey and was sort of like a foggy cloud that ate ponies, while shrieking in a way that made ears literally bleed.”

“Oooooooh…” Raspberry muttered. Dear please God, let the next migraine not bring back that guy!

“There’s a nice long part about the monster eating stuff and otherwise causing a ruckus,” Slash said, giggling despite himself, “Nice if you like that sort of thing. Anyways, Morning Sparks and Manechester learn a terribly clichéd lesson about the power of teamwork and friendship. They unite, and using their disparate magic they defeat the monster. Their love for each other somehow reactivates the gem and the monster is set back. Everyone’s happy. It’s pretty much a ‘The End’.”

“Wait, so how does their ‘love for each other’ activate the gem, exactly?” Raspberry inquired. Sheesh, I can remember it a little bit— we had the freaking huge particle accelerator firing like mad before we got any hyperspace cooking… And all we had to do was hug each other, maybe? Probably not, dammit. You lucky pony bastards!

“It’s all through Marks point-of-view,” Slash replied, “So, the details are rather hazy. Couple that with the fact that the text we have here is like Swiss cheese, and here’s basically nothing to go on as to how to operate the blasted thing.”

“WHY is it told from Marks' view anyway?” Raspberry asked, “No offense to dragons, but it’s not really a ‘dragon story’ really.”

“None taken,” Slash said, “And here’s where it gets interesting. Well… MORE interesting let’s say. A coda to that story, which supposedly first appeared several decades afterward… says that activating the gem to banish the monster…” Slash lost his place again, and he hunted for the right page. “A-ha! It let another beast into Coltsville. Only. This. Time.” Slash looked right at Raspberry as he built up each word. “It. Was. A.” He seemed about to explode. “Female.”

“Female,” Raspberry repeated blankly.

“Feeeeeemale,” Slash remarked, sounding like a preteen discovering his first porno mag, “And it wandered into the same small and semi-isolated part of Coltsville that the previous beast was staying in. Now, guess what happens next!”

“The ‘beasts’…” Raspberry said, trying to make air quotes with his hooves, “Got together?”

“No…” Slash replied with a sly look, “Marks got her. And the coda says that he pretty clearly wouldn’t have taken ‘no’ for an answer, even though it’s a moot point she didn’t say that.”

“That’s not really a ‘moot point’,” Raspberry muttered.

“The coda,” Slash went on, “Like everything else, is blasted chuck full of holes. It strongly hints at what happens. But I can tell you myself, from personal knowledge, that Marks got the female beast while Morning Sparks’ daughter got the male monster.”

“Personal knowledge...” Raspberry said, shaking his head in confusion, “And when you say that that dragon and that pony ‘got’ them, you don’t mean…”

“What I mean,” Slash said, smiling like a cat with its paw on a mouse, “Is that said female’s blood is running through my veins right now.”

“And the Sparks, and the Manechester families—” Raspberry began.

“The beasts, they didn’t go anywhere, they weren’t killed, they weren’t banished,” Slash said, “They got bred right out of the equation. Right through those families’ bloodlines especially, although the wide tastes of some of their neighbors also chipped in.”

“Sparks… you couldn’t possibly mean…” Raspberry’s voice started falling to a near whisper.

“Yes, exactly,” Slash said, trying to put finality into the words. “Jewerly store co-owner.”

“But— but— but— he didn’t say a THING about that when I asked him,” Raspberry said, “Face to face!”

“Because he doesn’t know,” Slash said, and he began putting the books back, “None of them know. That’s the whole blasted problem with all of them. Whether unicorn, pony, pegasus… whatever. They all have no history. No sense of perspective. They can’t see past the end of their own noses. All they know about where they came from is what school teaches them, and that’s Celestia’s own narrative to suit her own purposes. Dragons on the other hand, they have long lives and longer memories.”

Raspberry stared back at Slash, who had put all of this stuff away and appeared about ready to leave. Well, maybe… but… still... it’s like everybody I talk to talks down about Celestia. But I keep hearing Rarity’s words ringing in my ear. It’s like the voice of destiny, almost. Still though, a thousand years banished the moon? The cold, frigid moon… Holy crap, my nipples are hardening just thinking of it!

“I was very pleased to meet you, Raspberry Star,” Slash said, and he went as if to tip his non-existent hat.

Chapter Two Part Two

“Hey, wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!” Raspberry said, leaning over and falling out of the bed. He grabbed Slash’s left leg tightly.

“Yes?” he asked.

“I still have just… just… so many questions!” Raspberry said, “So that’s the gem I was looking for, but where is it now? Where was it last heard from? What was the exact location? Those two stories you just told me— is there more? Can I look up more? Do I need to talk to someone else?”

“Yes,” the dragon answered, “To that last question. A pretty solid ‘no’ to the one before that. I can’t say for sure, but with the ‘lockdown’ the way it is— stupid Celestia— any stories with confidential information to the royal family is safe in some Canterlot vault. That’s the only other way you’d go about looking. I’ve combed through everything still publicly available, and then some.”

“But… but…” Raspberry stammered, “What do I do know? I just have two vague stories to go on.”

“Actually,” Slash replied, putting on a bit of an irate tone, “I told you about FIVE stories. All of which we’re pretty difficult to track down, AND pretty difficult to piece together. By the way, you’re welcome.”

“Wait, just HOLD ON,” Raspberry said, clinging to Slash’s leg like a toddler as Slash tried to step out of the room, “Please tell me just this one thing. Okay, so the dragon family and the two unicorn families were all together in Coltsville. And they all knew about the amulet, those three groups, and what it could do. What happened NEXT?”

“Next?” Slash replied, “Well, that part is actually easy. I thought you would have already picked up on it by now. I mean, it’s so obvious.”

“On what, by now?” Raspberry asked, with a bit a whimper in his voice.

“Oh, for Pete’s sake,” Slash remarked, and then he sat back down on the bed. He took out a modern, glossy book and put threw it down on the bed. Its cover read ‘The Complete Visitor’s Guide to Coltsville’. “Everything else I told you before, I had to go back to primary sources. All of the secondary and tertiary garbage only bled in things, quasi-pornographic gossip and whatnot. But this part here… what to do next… this is only one of the biggest events in Coltsville history.”

Raspberry thumbed through the book, which had copious amounts of notes written in it with bright red ink. He looked up to see Slash heading out the door. Raspberry began to say something.

“Just, just relax, okay!” Slash called out, “Everything I know, and everything I really could know— I jotted down there. I dotted each ‘i’ and I crossed each ‘t’. You know, I’m only doing this for Knack. I’m really, really, REALLY sticking my neck out telling you diddly squat. Let alone lifting books from one of Celestia’s star pupils. AND I’ve stuck around way too long. Time for me to skip down.”

“Slash!” Raspberry shouted one more time. The dragon popped his head out. “Thank you!” As the dragon trotted down the stairs, Raspberry studied the guide in more depth. In the last several pages, titled ‘What Was Your Coltsville Story?’, Slash had painstakingly reproduced in plain English the stories he referred to before. Slash had skipped through some details, but he stated in brackets what he had left out and why. Each page had detailed citations, looking to Raspberry like an academic journal.

Still, there seemed to be nothing new there. What the hell did the three families do? He flipped through to some of the front pages. And then, he saw it. Oh, of course!

“Treasure?” Raspberry read aloud, “It has long been rumored that the early foundations of Coltsville contained untold riches and valuables buried inside. City residents have spent generations examining our extensive network of underground caverns and passageways as well as our historic castles, factories, and other century’s old buildings. So far, they have come up mostly empty-handed, finding only trinkets. These items have been painstakingly tracked down and restored so that you too can put on your adventurer’s hat and become a treasure hunter. Be sure to get your picture beside some 100% authentic gems and jewels.”

“Check out our authentic, dragon-led tours underground. Tour guides for our celebrated ‘Old Town’ district are available at a moment’s notice. Just ask! Who knows? You might as well strike it rich yourself,” Raspberry read. It all seemed like cheesy tourist material, but the section below had some interesting notes. “Legend has it hundreds of years ago, the prestigious Manechester family— one of a network of traders whose roots extended through Equestria— came across a magical method of producing great wealth. Yet the family feared the consequences of becoming unaccountable oligarchs. They yearned for a simple, respected life and did not want to paint targets on their backs from resentment by the unfortunate as well as from thieves who would use their method to nefarious ends.”

“The family rivalry with the Sparks, which some historians have called a de facto war, brought this issue to a head. Thus, as the tale goes, the family destroyed all knowledge of this magic, but not before amassing astonishing wealth in the form of gems, jewels, and other valuables. They split this into thirds among the family’s two brothers and one sister, who then went their separate ways alongside their friends,” Raspberry read, “The modern day families say that this is all a big load of garbage, but countless lives and small fortunes have been spent looking for this legendary treasure in Coltsville.”

Slash had littered his comments all across the page. He had wrote insisting that the rivalry was nonsense, that the families got along fine, and that the book skated over the Manechester family’s life-long connection to dragons. Slash had also stated what Raspberry had already figured out. There was never any treasure, the families feared the power of the special, non-magical amulet that they had, and they depowered the amulet by splitting it into three pieces.

“One down,” Raspberry said to himself, holding his lapel. “But where the hell are the other two?” He glanced down the page. One brother seemed to come to nothing, and his descendants lived as drunken wretches going about Coltsville begging. Some of that offspring believed their own hype and crisscrossed buildings looking for the treasure. “Okay… I guess that’s the brother I’ve already finked a gem piece from… somehow…” But then… I made this lapel to give to Mom when I was… human… out of that piece of the thing in human-world… Dammit, this is so confusing! Oh well, I won’t look at a gift horse in the mouth.

Raspberry surveyed the rest of the page. At the bottom, circled repeatedly, he spotted the paragraph he looking for. He read, “One brother, Spirit, patched his differences individually with the Sparks family and joined in their construction business. The happy couple moved into the Dangerbird Castle in which their descendants still live, conveniently located at the end of Market Street where the factory district begins. The sister, Tiara, escaped the hustle of bustle of big cities altogether. Enchanted by a life taming mystical beasts as well as providing fashion to those without it, she took herself and her dragon friends to a place in which her descendants have remained out of the spotlight. They still live today on the edge of a city called Ponyville in Everfree Forest.”

Raspberry kicked over his backpack, and then he slid the book in. He felt around, and then he picked up a quarter. He closed his eyes and counted to three. Heads… I break into the castle. Tails… I brave the haunted forest. He flipped it up. He heard a soft banging sound. He then opened his eyes.

He looked around, but he didn’t see anything. He got off the bed, and then he crawled all around the floor. He sat flat down beside the door. What the… hell… He looked into the mirror, and then he noticed that his horn seemed to have a residual glow. He flung his head straight up. The quarter was jammed into a ceiling tile. Raspberry stuck his hooves out, and then the quarter flew back down right at him.

Raspberry sidestepped. He glanced down, and now— stuck about halfway into the wood— the American Eagle looked back at him. “All right!” he declared, “Ponyville it is!”

He set the things down and headed over to the bathroom. He couldn’t help staring at himself in the mirror as he undressed. He said to himself, “Of course… ponies are naked. All of the time, they’re naked. Usually…” It felt so wrong though. He didn’t just feel embarrassed and like he should have clothes on. He also felt, somehow, as if he was looking at some kind of abomination. He extended his right hoof and twisted it around in the air. He still sensed his fingers in there somewhere.

Damn, it’s like it’s all right there, but it’s going into a puppet hand or something. He strained, and he curled the tips of his hoof. No. It feels a lot more like the freaking Terminator— like I’m a human that’s wearing a pony skin all over me. He shuddered a bit.

He propped up his left hind leg on the counter awkwardly. “At least,” he said, glancing down at the bottom of the mirror, “Pony-fication kept my… my… important parts intact, more or less.” He leaned a bit further backward. “Emphasis on the… the… more.” He sat back down on the floor.

Raspberry spun around, and he found himself looking right at a large grey contraption fitted into the side of the wall. It reminded him of a human sized chess piece— a giant Rook. Thin white stripes shot up across the machine’s body. Raspberry took a little breath, and then he pulled the lever sticking out of the contraption’s right side.

Out popped open the top half of the machine, and Raspberry shoved all of his clothes into it. He slammed the contraption shut and tied to pretend to himself that it didn’t look exactly like throwing his stuff into a furnace. He breathed a bit easy when another, smaller slot suddenly opened up beside the lever. Raspberry surveyed the bathroom. On the floor about two feet beside him, he discovered a tiny box with a shooting star printed on it. He loaded up that other slot, shut it, and pulled the level again. Well, it’s not too different from a Motel 6 I guess…

“Please let there be a real toilet. No three seashells. No three seashells,” he muttered over and over again to himself. Raspberry turned over and stared. It’s… sort of like one… I guess… maybe similar to those Japanese dealies… A thick, slate grey cylinder filled with water stood beside the sink. Three chains— one black, one white, and one blue— clinked in the air above it. Raspberry also looked over at this long metal pole leaning on the wall with a suspicious kind of knob at the end.

“That’s for… for… rubbing back there,” he said with a terse voice, “Since they can’t… reach…” He felt afraid, although he didn’t really know why. He gave the pole a little nudge. It fell to the floor with a crash. “Oh, okay, it’s a mop.” He somehow felt relieved. As long as it’s not… TOO damn weird here

Pulling the blue chain did the trick. Raspberry let out a loud, girly squeal that ponies heard across the block when he pulled the white one— shot at like a fountain. He didn’t even want to think about what the black chain did. Too damn weird… just… too damn weird… He stepped up to the shower. It seemed exactly like the kind of thing from any hotel except that he couldn’t find any knobs.

Two large buttons without any kind of label— no ‘H’, no ‘Hot’, no heat symbols, nothing— stuck out of the wall. Raspberry took a deep breath and slammed the right button. He jumped right out of the shower, shivering uncontrollably. He slammed the left one. He jumped out again, rubbing all over himself to see if he found any burns. He tried pressing the two at once with measured force. Seconds went by with nothing happening. He gazed upwards at the showerhead. He tried giving both buttons a nice push. A thick glob of what looked like coagulated snot dripped out onto his head.

“Okay then! No more Mister Nice Pony!” Raspberry yelled. He pressed his hooves onto his head and concentrated. He saw his purple aura cover the showerhead and the buttons. In just a moment, perfectly warm water sprinkled out all over him. He moaned— surprised at how good it felt. It seemed as if his skin had started to dissolve. He slipped into this trance-like state as he soaped up, and he thought almost as if he was totally human again.

*Clang* Something hard smacked into Raspberry’s chest and tumbled onto the ground. The water suddenly poured onto him, knocking him out on his back. He kicked the showerhead and threw his hooves up over his face in protection. He called out with a noisy growl as he tried to concentrate. Within just a few seconds, the torrent ceased. He reached out his right hoof for the towels, which then magically flopped onto his head.

“You’re just too— too— too repressed! That’s what you are!” said an unfamiliar feminine voice. Raspberry glanced all about the bathroom and then the rest of the room as he dried himself. Nope… nothing at all… Geez, that was odd. It’s almost sounded like… like… a somewhat younger Julia Roberts was watching me shower.

“Well! It’s called, my dear, ’Not Being A Whore’. You should try it sometime,” Midnight Dawn’s voice— with the trademark sarcasm— said out of the ether. Raspberry looked up, and he realized that it all had come out of the open water pipe.

“Oh, please!” the older mare remarked, “You spend thirty blasted seconds with the new stallion, and you’ve already buttered him up like a roll. Nice job, little Miss non-whore."

“Is someone jealous? Of their little sis? You?” Dawn stated. Raspberry walked over to the laundry machine and grabbed his dry clothes that had been spit up onto the floor.

“Jealous? Me?” the older mare retorted. Raspberry got himself all dressed and began hunting for a toothbrush and toothpaste.

“And weren’t you calling me ‘repressed’ just a few seconds ago? That’s kind of, well, the opposite of a whore,” Dawn replied, laying on the sarcasm thick as mortar. Raspberry chuckled as he ripped open a plastic box and started brushing his teeth.

“You can sweet talk our little dazed and confused friend all you want. They’re not going to let you back into the band,” the older mare said as Raspberry got a brush out of his backpack, “It’s Leo and Flash’s decision, and they said ‘no’. You know it, I know it. So get over it.”

“You! You just… want him for yourself… don’t… don’t say…” Dawn seemed to revert into filly-mode as she replied to her sister. Raspberry finished combing his mane and tail into something at least halfway decent. He leaned over and started listening to what came out of the pipe a lot more intently.

“Oh, for Celestia’s sake! Are you kidding? I can see it now— Raspberry Star and Blackberry June. Our apartment could say ‘The Berries’. It’s like a bad fanfiction or something,” Blackberry retorted, “I’m sure he’s easy, but that doesn’t change a blasted thing. You’re. Not. Getting. Back. In. Period.”

“Well… we’ll see won’t… we,” Dawn squeaked out, again sounding like her voice had reverted back years and years. Raspberry put his stuff back into his backpack, placed that back into the laundry basket, and then shoved that under his bed. He clipped on his lapel. Obviously, you moron… Obviously, she only expressed any interest in your because she wanted to use you. Just like how Rarity wanted to sweet talk you out of your little jewel… Raspberry picked up the tourist guide and shoved it into his suit pocket.

“That we will. That we will,” Blackberry said, “And I see that it’s ten now, and my first shift ends at nine-thirty. So, if you excuse me…” Raspberry heard a little bit of shuffling. Then, he heard Blackberry heading up a few steps, stopping around halfway on the stairs, and opening some other door. Raspberry strained with his ear on the pipe, trying to pick up anything else from Dawn.

“Come on now,” Raspberry murmured, “Say that you really like me. Say that there’s something about me. Say that you’re not just a groupie wanting a promotion. Say that you really like me—” He knocked on the wall a little in frustration. “That sure would be really, really nice. Given that I may very well end up being stuck here—”

“You hear something?” Blackberry asked. Raspberry froze. The voice seemed a floor closer.

“Oh, but I’m GONNA hear something, sweetie,” Knack’s voice erupted out of the pipe. Raspberry immediately stuck his ear right back on it.

“Ooooooooh, yeah, yeah, baby,” Blackberry moaned, and soon came the noises of clothes scattered upon the ground. Knack made a warm grunt. Blackberry began cooing, and then rubbing and stroking sounds filtered up. Raspberry’s heart seemed to be beating a mile a minute. He heard Blackberry squeaking softly, and then she cried out. “You… you ready for your solo? Sir?”

“Mmmmm, yeah, I’ll be poking those frets,” Knack groaned. Raspberry felt like stabbing himself at the next several seconds of bad music puns between the two lovebirds.

“I hope she gets a big raise for this,” Raspberry said. Damn, he is just begging for a sexual harassment lawsuit… Although since pony world is supposed to be all ‘magical’ and ‘pure’, I suppose there’s no pony lawyers…

“Yeah, a BIG raise all right— Oh, hey, wait, hi Raspberry!” Knack called out through the pipe. Raspberry felt like he would have an aneurysm. “How’s it going?” Knack sounded as blasé as if he was having a face to face conversation in the parking lot before Sunday Mass.

“I’m doing fine,” Raspberry said into the pipe, “Pretty good actually, pretty alert.”

“Yeah, so— oh hey, just a minute there baby,” Knack said, “Did you talk to Slash yet? I thought he was going to spend the whole mor— I SAID, just a minute there sweetie— ing with you. But he just popped in and out. He said he— please, just hold right there Blackberry, my angel— remembered something all of a sudden. Slash read this note left on the front desk, and he seemed to like— Blackberry, my savior, my angel, please— lose it. He then hasn’t been heard from since.”

“Oh, well, I— uh— I got everything he needed,” Raspberry replied, also trying to sound nonchalant, “I mean, what I needed. He gave me his Coltsville tourist guide with all of his gem-related notes written in.”

“So, you cool?” Knack shouted.

“Yeah, we cool,” Raspberry shouted back.

Chapter Two Part Three

“And where were we?” Knack grunted. Raspberry heard some wet, slippery noises. He took a deep breath, and then he started going down the stairs to the door. Okay then… just… just… tone it down for a second. Mind on the mission. I’m going to Everfree Forest. How the hell do I do that? Raspberry pulled out the tourist guide and flipped through it. I sure as HELL am not going to fly.

“Attractions… Food… Famous Residents…” Raspberry read aloud as he came to the bottom floor, “Oh, dammit, come on… History… Government… Nightlife… A-ha! ‘Transportation’! Blah-blah-blah-blah, ‘connections by train extend to almost all major cities such as’, blah-blah-blah, ‘Ponyville’.”

Raspberry started to open the door to the main showroom. Easy, just right down Market Street and then straight down Suede Avenue. There’s the station. He felt a gust of wind at his back. He glanced around and noticed that the side door was a bit ajar. Oh, well… It’s supposed to be unlocked, I guess, but I think it shouldn’t be just left right open. He walked over.

Something stubby, purple, and scaly stuck out of the door. “Oh, God!” Raspberry yelled. He ran over and grabbed the dragon. Slash lay bleeding on the concrete He had black marks all across his body. Both of his eyes were tightly shut. His right eye had been pounded good and oozed something nasty. . The beat-up book-bag that he had been carrying was also nowhere in sight. Raspberry clutched his hooves around Slash’s neck.

“D-d-d-dammit,” Raspberry muttered, “Come on now. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.” He cradled the dragon’s head and tried to press down on the dragon’s chest. Raspberry tried to open Slash’s mouth and he pressed down harder. The dragon’s chest moved a little bit by itself. Raspberry heard a cough.

“Hey!” he screamed, and nopony seemed to pay any attention. He ran back over to the main showroom, waving his front hooves frantically on the desk counter. Dawn jumped up from her chair and ran back over with him.

“Oh… not again,” She moaned, and Raspberry stared at her blankly. “I’ll get the po— well, no, that’s not right, obviously.”

“What, what, what…” Raspberry stammered, “What’s wrong with the police?”

“Oh, for Celestia’s sake Raspberry,” she said, shaking her head as Raspberry continued staring, “Wait, I’ll just let Doctor Tailheart know. Now then, let’s the two of us get him inside.”

The two of them pulled him out of the doorway, leaving a trail of blood. Raspberry feared for a moment that they’d have to drag him up the stairs, but Dawn made some kind of special knock on a side of the wall. That section of the wall suddenly flung open, revealing an odd sort of bathroom.

“Let’s get him to the tub,” she commanded. They did so and promptly turned on a trickle of cold water. Dawn opened up a medicine cabinet and began assembled various bottles and vials. Raspberry wiped Slash’s face with a washcloth and tapped the side of the dragon’s head softly.

“What’s going on?” Blackberry called out, suddenly peeking her head through the door.

“Go get Doctor Tailheart,” Dawn yelled, “Do it now!” Blackberry scurried away.

“Come on buddy, come on,” Raspberry muttered. The dragon seemed to stir. Oh, dammit, what the hell is going on now? What did you do? What did you say? And if they could do this to… a dragon… than… what about me…

*Smash* Raspberry jumped up and perked his ears. Dawn also jerked over.

“I’ll stay here and watch him. She’s got the Doctor. You go and take care of whatever that is,” Dawn hollered at Raspberry. He trotted out of the door and into the main showroom.

“Oh, no! I’m sorry! Sorry! Sorry-sorry- sorry- sorry- sorry- so, sorry- sorry,” said a younger looking unicorn standing beside the counter. She perched over the side of a tall display that had been shoved onto the ground, with shattered glass and broken knickknacks scattered on the floor. She had a whitish-purple body— just a shade darker than Raspberry’s— and a long violet mane with two stripes going through it. He noticed the huge six pointed star on her flanks.

“It’s… it’s… okay,” Raspberry said, barely able to produce a word given all of the things speeding around in his mind. The unicorn looked up at Raspberry with her adorably huge purple eyes.

“I’m really, really sorry! I know that my friends and I will be able to more than pay for that,” she said, and she paused to think about something, “So— uh— why I was really here, in the first place, was that I was asking about the books again.”

“Books again…” Raspberry repeated. I should just bark ‘We’re closed’ and get back to Slash. He felt something odd. He looked at the unicorn, and he sensed some kind of strong, negative aura coming from her. It felt as if he every breath let out a low-grade poison. Oh, than what is THIS now?

“Yes, and I know that I asked before. Yes. But the police told me that my stolen books were here,” she said, and Raspberry ears perked at the word ‘police’, “I asked Miss June beforehand, and she assured me that the dragon matching my description had already checked out early this morning.”

“Okay,” Raspberry said. So… what the hell do you have to do with all of this?

“She said it was very early, and of course I’m not accusing any of you of anything here. Of course not! That would be silly. But I really,” she went on, “Really, really— for really, seriously— need those books. It’s a delivery to Princess Celestia herself, since she didn’t want those particular books to fall into the wrong hooves. I was wondering if you ponies checked the rooms again and then found anything.”

“And you are?” Raspberry interrupted.

She smiled, and she said, “Twilight, Twilight Sparkle, it’s nice to meet you— mister?”

Raspberry didn’t answer. He took a few steps towards her and sized her up. She looked smaller and younger than him. Yet he knew she had some strong, deeply powerful magic hidden in that unassuming exterior. He just knew it. She seemed to grow nervous as he remained silent and turned his blank face into a scowl. You… you’re a ‘special six’ girl. Aren’t you? Oh yeah, I can tell. And maybe you and Rarity are the ‘good cops’ versus the ‘bad cops’? It figures.

“If you—” Twilight began.

“Yooooouuuu,” Raspberry growled, pointing his right hoof at her.

“Meeeeeeee,” she said back. She looked him over as well, and she noticed something in his suit pocket that she hadn’t before. “Hey, now, is that MY tour guide? Right there on the cover— ‘Pinkie Pie says have fun! <3’ It’s mine? It IS mine.”

“No, no it’s not,” Raspberry replied flatly. He stepped up a bit closer and touched Twilight’s side. He had that peculiar soft shocking sensation again. He felt a bit as if he was a paper target with a BB gun popping a big hole through him. Unlike Rarity, Twilight flinched as well. Maybe she has better magic powers compared to her, well— well— well…

“So, then,” Twilight said, looking one part irritated and four parts totally confused, “May I have it back, please? And can you tell me who you are, anyway?”

Raspberry glanced at the door, with Market Street stretching beyond it. He found himself magically lifting a long glass chunk in front of him without really thinking. Twilight stood her ground, and her own horn started to glow. Raspberry calmly asked, “What does Celestia want with those books, anyway? Why is she doing what she’s doing? Is she afraid? Is she hiding something? Protecting something?”

Twilight grew more annoyed with each question. She yapped, “Doing what? Hiding what? Nothing’s hiding. Nothing’s happening. She’s just— just— going about royal life! And will you please give me back my books, already?”

“Goodbye,” Raspberry said. I don’t know if RF was right. I’m not making my mind up about Celestia. I could be paranoid. I could be losing it. But I sure as hell am not taking any risks.

“Goodbye?” she asked, not believing what she was hearing.

Raspberry suddenly let go of the glass chunk. It smashed against the floor and flew pieces of glass everywhere. Twilight bent down and covered her face. Raspberry jumped onto the countertop beside them and then down towards the door. He flung it open and then sped out down the street. The unicorn followed shortly behind, letting out loud feminine whines that Raspberry totally ignored.

He galloped down Market Street. He hopped to the left and to the right—dodging ponies as he moved. He jumped up onto the wall for a few seconds and got past a small crowd. He slinked behind horses with carts and then hurled himself over a curb. He glanced back and saw Twilight hot on his trial.

Raspberry suddenly ran right into a huge cart, but he managed to duck down and fling himself through underneath. He tried to build up some speed without bumping into too many ponies. Twilight kept yelling out at him. He suddenly noticed a sign to his right saying ‘Suede’. Raspberry jumped up onto a pushcart filled with pears and then hopped over to the roof of a florists shop.

He looked over in front of him, and he spotted the umbrella. It balanced itself upon a clothesline like a circus performer. Raspberry ignored it and went on. He moved from rooftop to rooftop. He heard girly noises behind him but tried not to pay attention. He came across a large gap from building to building, paused, and then ducked up a set of stairs to a higher building besides him.

He heard a ‘meep meep’, and he looked up to notice the umbrella dancing around in the roof. “How… how the hell did you get up there already…” he panted. He ran out into the rooftop. He peered over the side and had another sudden shock of vertigo. “Oh, dammit… dammit…” He steeled himself to survey the ground below him again. There! Finally! He spotted a small gray building around seventy feet ahead of him besides a gigantic platform. A train had just started to pull in.

“Alright, then, alright…” he said to himself, and he patted his pants with his hooves, “Now then… how the HELL do I get down there… from up here…” Good thinking, dumbass! He detected a light ‘meep’ and he turned around to see the umbrella a few feet behind him. It jiggled its feet, and then it wagged its arms in place. Raspberry muttered as the umbrella did ‘the monkey’ dance.

“Well, it’s you, again,” he said, and then he trotted over to the side of the roof where he had come from, “No problem. The important thing is that I lost that purple dipstick.” He glanced over, and then he observed Twilight standing in the middle of the street yard after yard below him. The unicorn stepped back and forth— clearly flustered— and then she suddenly looked straight up. Raspberry ducked back.

The umbrella moved up to Raspberry’s side and nudged him gently. He paused. He had no idea how to even begin to talk to it. The umbrella held out one hand and then tapped its other fingers upon it.

“Running… yes, I have been running a lot just now…” Raspberry said. The umbrella stuck out two fingers and then had them engage in some kind of swordfight-like thing. Raspberry just stared blankly. “Look, I don’t think I have a lot of time…” The umbrella then squished its hands together. It moved over to Raspberry and then gave him a hug on his side. “Um, okay. Thanks.”

“A-ha!” Twilight said, and Raspberry glanced up to see her suddenly appear in the center of the roof.

“What did— How did—What was— How can—” he stammered.

“Teleportation magic, Mister poofy hair,” Twilight said, cracking a huge smile, “That’s why you don’t mess with Princess Celestia’s star student.”

“That’s… kind of… that’s… just…” he murmured, and he stepped over towards the ledge beside the train. He reached over and he took the umbrella tightly in between his front hooves. “That’s cheating.”

“It’s not,” she said, making a pouty face that Raspberry found completely adorable.

“Well, now then, I really do need to be going,” he said.

“But you’re going to stop right there,” she said, moving closer, “You’re going to go ahead and tell me everything. Everything that’s going on. And you’re going to give me back the Princess’ books.”

Raspberry replied, “For the last time! I don’t have your blasted booooooooooooooooooooooooooks—” The stallion accidentally tumbled over. Twilight sped to the ledge and watched him fall. Raspberry closed his eyes and seized the umbrella with every last ounce of his strength.

It held onto him just as closely with its little arms and little legs. Raspberry tried to concentrate as hard as he possibly could, and he imagined himself magically floating down through the air just like Mary Poppins.

Raspberry peeked out, and he saw himself covered in a purple aura. In just a few seconds, he found himself standing upright upon his hind hooves in the middle of a huge crate of oranges. “Victory is mine! YES! Who’s the colt? Who’s the colt?” he cheered.

“Uh, sir,” said a light yellow foal standing beside him, “Why are you in my…”

“Oh, sorry,” he said, and he jumped out of the crate. He glanced at the train station office behind him. He flipped over and then grabbed his umbrella from the ground.

Raspberry jumped through the door, slammed it, and then smacked himself upon the wall. It looked like any other nondescript office he had ever seen except that— for whatever reason— there was no pony in sight. Stacks of generic boxes littered the sides of the room and the walls had large pasteboards with various notices. Raspberry took a few steps forward.

“So I’ll just …” he said, and then he paused as he stared at the door, “Lock it… or not. Or... Wait a second, why the hell would ponies use doors with knobs anyway! They don’t even…” He flexed the end of his right hoof. “Have… Or wait, can you use knobs with hooves?”

“Excuse me, sir?” said a young sounding voice behind the counter. Raspberry glanced over and spotted a tall unicorn with a short gray mane. She wore a simple looking light gray dress.

“Yeah, sure,” he replied. As he turned around, the umbrella plopped out of his coat pocket. Raspberry tapped at its side.

“Could, you, ah…” He heard a soft ‘meep’. The umbrella ambled up and jammed itself into the door handle. “Great.”

“I’m sorry, what?” she asked.

“Oh, nothing,” he said, putting a hoof on the counter, “Now then, hey, it’s kind of funny, I didn’t even see you there.”

“Oh! I was, was, doing, yes, I,” she sputtered, trying and failing not to blush, “I was… below counter. Doing… administrative affairs. Yes, administrative affairs. That’s very vital. Yes. We always need more administration, more affairs, don’t we?” She chuckled nervously.

“Okay…” Raspberry said, “So, anyways, I need one ticket to Ponyville, please.”

“Oh, I’m afraid at that this late hour it would be just about impossible. The train will be leaving just amount any minute now,” she said, and she shuffled over to crack open a large notebook, “Not unless… unless…” She twirled around, and then a blue aura enveloped around the pile of folders behind her. “Unless… Oh, my goodness, there it is...”

“There what is?” Raspberry asked. He suddenly jumped, hearing rustling at the barricaded door. The unicorn at the counter didn’t pay any attention— sucked into her paperwork— but Raspberry could already hear Twilight’s grousing.

“You, sir,” she said, smiling, “Are the recipient of a Coltsville one week ‘Platinum Pass’. It says here that’s its compliments of Mr. Knack. So you have priority access if there is an available seat… Oh!” She pulled out a box from under the counter. “He also sent a small package at the same time.”

“Oh, so you’ve got the post office and the train station all in one, convenient,” Raspberry remarked. He jumped at a big slam at the door. No small talk! Hurry up, moron!

“And I can give you the pass right now,” she said.

“Great!” he exclaimed.

“As long as you sign the necessary paperwork,” she said, pulling out a stack of papers and pushing them towards him.

“Oh,” he muttered. Dammit, dammit, DAMMIT! He heard three large slams at the door and then a bit of yelling. The unicorn at the counter finally took notice, and she titled her head to the side.

“Oh, dear, is it stuck?” she asked, “Or is there something wrong with the handle? What’s that small red and white thing on top of it?”

“Look, just,” Raspberry said, grabbing his package and nudging the paperwork, “Can I get going right now and then fill this all out on the way? I’m sure that the conductor wouldn’t mind. I’ll just submit it all when I get back.” Twilight called out louder, although the horses couldn’t understand a word she said through the thick tiled glass.

“I would suppose so…” the pony at the counter said. Raspberry quickly shoved his stuff down his shirt and thanked her.

“Oh NO you don’t!” Twilight screamed. Raspberry and the unicorn stared at her after she suddenly popped into existence in the middle of the room behind them.

“Hey, how did—” Raspberry began to, and then he almost wanted to kick himself, “Oh, right. Teleportation. Because of the magic and crap.” He shot out his right hoof and pointed at her, flustered. “That’s… that’s… CHEATING.”

“It’s not cheating, it’s skill,” Twilight said, puckering her face and looking offended.

“Hey, uh… ‘friend’?” Raspberry asked, looking past Twilight. The umbrella made a low murmur and then edged out of the door handle. It hopped up and ran onto Raspberry’s shoulder. It rapped the back of his head for a moment. “What the heck was that about?” The umbrella let out an angry squeak. “Okay, seriously, you think I’d leave you? Seriously?”

“Hello,” Twilight interrupted. The horses and the umbrella looked back over at her. “So, I’d like some answers, finally, and I mean— ‘now’. Who are you? Why are you here? Why did you steal my books? And who or what is stealing all of Princess Celestia’s records?”

“Well…” Raspberry said, and then he tried to turn the same mock-outrage back onto her, “What are YOU doing here? WHO is cracking down on ponies and dragons that know important information? And WHY did you beat up my friend?”

“I did not!” she replied. She stepped back, and she looked flustered at the very idea that he would suspect her of such a thing. Twilight stepped closer but froze for a moment at a loud train whistle.

“And now, if you’ll excuse me,” Raspberry said, and he jumped behind the counter beside the blue unicorn.

“Hey, you’re not authorized administrative personnel!” she cried out, but she otherwise she looked lost.

“Give. Me. Back. My. Books,” Twilight declared, coming over closer. She threw her front hooves onto the counter and made a very cute looking angry face.

“But I don’t have them!” Raspberry retorted, and he backed up towards the wall behind the counter, “All I have is the guide—” He took a misstep on a loose paper on the ground. He hurled himself over on his back and slammed his head upon the wall. A shelf gave way. What felt like a never ending pile of small books rained down onto Raspberry and the blue unicorn beside him. “Ooooouuuhhhhh…”

“Oh, are you okay? Okay?” Twilight ambled over the counter and tried to pull them out of the pile. They both looked a bit dazed and woozy. “Oh, just a moment…” Another train whistle jolted the horses back up.

“Oh look,” Raspberry muttered, and he swatted around at all of the books besides him, “The Complete Visitor’s Guide to Coltsville. The Complete Visitor’s Guide to Coltsville. The Complete Friggin’ Visitor’s Friggin’ Guide to Friggin’ Coltsville!” Twilight looked over at him nervously— not sure what to say. “You want another guidebook so bad, pick ONE of the HUNDREDS of the damn things!” Raspberry beat his front hooves into the air.

“Well, mine was the one with Pinkie’s message for me to have fun here, so it was kind of special— to me at least,” Twilight replied, “Even if you are telling the truth, and all of my other books have been recovered. I really want that one back.”

“Oh, you’re the mare with the missing books?” the blue unicorn suddenly said. She reached over to a small box a few feet over and then plopped it in front of Twilight. “The name is Ms. Sparkle, correct? We got these back earlier this morning in our lost in found— from a very nice dragon who said he found them in a tattered bookbag in the middle of the street.” Twilight’s face lit up like a Christmas tree.

As the ponies talked, Raspberry slyly reached behind him and slipped the cover sleeve out of his guidebook, which was full of Slash’s notes and comments. He carefully slipped the sleeve onto other book that had tumbled on the floor.

“Mister, uh,” Twilight said, rubbing her head with her right hoof, “Well, whatever your name is, I guess I owe you an apology.”

A third whistle sounded. That has to be the last one. Raspberry felt around himself. Umbrella, package, my guidebook, my papers… Thank goodness I have everything. He said, “Well, don’t worry about it. Now, if you excuse me, I need to be going.” He smacked the Pinkie autographed book onto the counter. “And be sure that you don’t forget this again.”

“Thanks for stopping by,” said the blue unicorn. Raspberry slid out a door marked ‘Main Exit’ to the horses’ far left. Twilight lifted her things over to her with her magic and then took a look at the Pinkie autographed book. She smiled, opened the book up, and then frowned.

“And as Jack Bolt gently lifted the pantyhose upwards on the stallion’s soft, supple things, he leaned over and buried his face along the warm flesh of his back. He breathed in deep to take every last drop of that enchanting musk from a hard day’s work bucking at the apple orchard. Bolt quivered in anticipation—every touch of the stallion’s throbbing red flesh shooting electricity into him. Oh, there would be bucking tonight. Guaranteed,” Twilight read aloud. She flipped the book around, back and forth. “WHAT ON EARTH IS THIS?” She fluttered over to the title page. “’Young Colts, Tight Bondage’?”

“Oh, it’s… uh… mine…” said the blue unicorn. She picked up the book with her magic and then floated it over to her right hoof. Twilight stared blankly at her. “Well… it… it… gets lonely here, when it’s not… busy…” Twilight growled, shook her head, and then lifted up all of her books with her magic. She plopped them onto her back, and then she sped out— following Raspberry.

Raspberry had come across a massive platform with a plethora of ponies waving goodbye, blowing kisses, and waiting patiently on benches. The train seemed just about to move. He trotted over, and the train began its slow buildup out of the station. He stepped off onto the train and smacked his face and body upon a closed door. Raspberry knocked frantically while the train picked up speed. He quickly ran out of platform and held onto the little stoop for dear life. He heard a now familiar loud groan, and he saw Twilight running over to the moving train.

A tall looking orange foal suddenly flew the door open. Raspberry looked off at Twilight— who had stopped at the end of the platform and made a very feeble, very cute expression. He leaned a bit over and blew a kiss. The purple unicorn flinched and bent her head down. Raspberry ambled into the door and then chuckled a bit to himself.

Chapter Two Part Four

After thanking the foal, Raspberry took a few minutes to explore the train. Everything looked so sleek and so new. He wandered through the dining cars, the lounge cars, and then the regular passenger cars. It all felt like a relic of the Calvin Coolidge and Doris Day era. Raspberry bumped into an aptly dressed light brown colt. Fortunately, the conductor pony seemed more than reasonable. He supplied a pen and told Raspberry to take his time filling everything out. He’d get a special golden card ready for Raspberry when they arrived back in Coltsville again.

Raspberry found an especially comfortable green bench in a sparsely populated car. He took a seat, closed his eyes, and felt like he almost evaporated. He opened his eyes again after what felt like an eternity. Strange… everyone’s gone… He shrugged, and then he got to thumbing through his papers. Thank goodness, all of the address and employment and other info has already been filled out. He quickly dispensed with the signatures. Raspberry paused, hearing some light rustling noises.

“Oh, sure, the coast is clear now,” he said, and he placed the umbrella onto the seat beside him. It bounced up and down like a toddler, and then it played around with the blankets underneath the seat. The umbrella slipped and tumbled onto the floor. It then wrestled the blanket off of itself as if it was fighting off a mugger. Raspberry giggled. “You know… I don’t think you have a name?”

The umbrella pointed at him with both hands, and then it made a swooping motion as if it was dancing ‘the twist’.

“Okay, so you have a name, a real name back in your home,” Raspberry replied as he put away the papers, “Well, so do I, too. My friggin’ driver’s license doesn’t say ‘Raspberry’. I guess if it’s a new world, you get a new alias. That makes sense?"

The umbrella made a soft ‘meep meep meep’ sound. “Well, okay then,” Raspberry said. The little guy jumped back up onto the seat beside him. “What works… what should I call you… I like the color scheme. An umbrella that’s striped red and white… So you can be ‘Leon’? ‘Kennedy’? ‘Chris’? ‘Redfield’?” The umbrella made a disapproving ‘meep’ at each name.

“Ada? Wong? Ashley? Graham? Jill? Valentine?” Raspberry kept asking, and the umbrella kept resisting. It seemed to certainly refuse any female name. “Well, okay, then. How about… Wesker?”

The umbrella popped up and then rolled around its arms in a flywheel motion. “That’s got a reaction out of you. So I take it that’s a ‘yes’?” Raspberry went on. The umbrella stopped. “Okay, so I should take that as a ‘maybe’?” It nudged Raspberry’s side and made a chirping kind of sound. “Alright then, nice to meet you again, Wesker.”

Raspberry opened up the package. He found a note alongside two small canisters— one of them a professional looking metallic gray and the other a beat up, leather-ish brown. “Dear Raspberry, I suppose it’s a bit convoluted to mail you rather than walk to your room upstairs, but you never can be too careful nowadays. I had always thought that the hotel was a kind of refuge for whatever shenanigans would go on in Coltsville, but now I’m not so sure. Especially now, I’ve seen a large number of ponies and dragons return to small town life, go into the caves, or plain disappear. But don’t worry your own little head over it,” Raspberry read aloud.

“I took the liberty of setting up your travel account for when the Attractions resume touring (which we WILL, and SOON). If you need to do any kinds of errands or such, please just let me know beforehand, and I’ll make sure you can travel out safely. Enclosed is also your first salary (gray tube) along with a little extra something (brown tube). I can’t even pretend to explain how that extra something works. The good Doctor Missingname from Canterlot told me it had something to do with disrupting sound, blah blah blah. But, for whatever reason, the Doctor assured me that such a disruptor would constantly come in handy… or whatever. You’d make far better use of it then I could. Ciao, Knack,” continued Raspberry.

He opened the gray container and smiled at the huge amount of bits inside it. Hell, yeah! He opened the other container, and a thin black tube with a variety of buttons on its sides slid out. He held it up and stared blankly at it. Well. that’s… that’s… small… He tried and failed to press the buttons. Dammit! I miss fingers! He tried to concentrate and use his magic. The item glowed with a purple aura but nothing happened. Well, come on now. Raspberry took a deep breath, and then he shoved the tube into his mouth. He chewed it for a little while. Nothing else happened.

“Dat wasth a busth,” he muttered, still holding the thing in his teeth, “Maythe, uhhh— AAAAAAH!” He bit down at a certain angle, and then he felt as if he had concentrated urine pouring down his throat. He jumped up and spat the thing down onto the floor. He took deep breaths and drooled out a bit. He felt like slamming his head onto the floor. Well, dumbass, eating a weapon wasn’t one of your best ideas!

The horrible taste didn’t just seem to melt down his throat. It ran right into his stomach and seemed to eat his insides. He keeled over in pain— closing his eyes. He then closed his mouth again. The pain in his insides ran out pretty quickly. Yet that all too familiar pain behind his eyes had started up again. He opened his eyes again, and everything was totally blurring.

“Oh, dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit,” he twisted around on the ground. He felt his umbrella trying to calm him down. The pain built up all across his head. Sharp, thrusting sensations seemed to pop his eyes right out of their sockets. He let out a low, unintelligible moan. He grew louder as the pain hyped up. This one, he knew, would be a real doozy.

“Sir, sir what’s the matter? Sir?” asked some attendant colt that had sped through the door. Raspberry felt the colt lean over and cradle his head. Raspberry opened his eyes for a second, and he gazed at the attendant’s young face. The colt had these huge, deep looking emerald eyes. The attendant looked back at Raspberry’s face, and he was clearly horrified. “My, my, my, Praise Celestia, your eyes! I’ll get a doctor!” The colt popped up and then tripped back down— stumbling upon the umbrella that had since gone limp.

“Don’t, ugh,” Raspberry said, sitting back on his chair, “Don’t worry… don’t bother.” He rubbed his head a bit. In just a few seconds, he felt totally back to normal. “I’ll be fine. I just need to worry about our new friend that will just be joining us.”

“Well, okay,” the colt replied, looking very worried, “Is it— I hope you don’t mind if I pry…”

“Oh, it’s my medical condition, it sucks, I’ll take care of it, et cetera, et cetera,” Raspberry said, waving his hoof dismissively. The colt looked at him blankly. “Sir, I would be just awesome if you could let me know when they’re serving the lunch.”

“Oh, sorry sir,” the attendant said, “Lunch was on the last train. But I would be MORE than willing to get you some refreshments and some treats. I hope you feel better soon.”

“Thanks!” Raspberry replied. The attendant trotted away and soon returned with a large steel cart filled with various cupcakes and fizzy drinks.

“Much better,” Raspberry remarked. He seized a group of shiny white cupcakes, and then he picked up a club soda. The colt smiled wordlessly, and then he motioned over to the exit. Raspberry took a bite and entered pure white chocolate bliss. He sipped a bit of the club soda, and then he immediately stuffed the whole thing into his mouth. He felt like cooing. Sugar upon sugar… taste upon taste… oh goodness…

*Clink* Raspberry paused at the sound of glass breaking. He glanced to his right and his left, but he didn’t see anything wrong with the windows. The blur of trees went on outside of the train as usual. He looked down between his bottom hooves, but he didn’t see a thing there either. Raspberry then turned himself straight up. He screamed.

A monstrous face had appeared in the ceiling window. It looked like some unholy combination of fly, ant, pony, and human. The monster’s snout twisted in the air with what seemed like four nostrils. They shot out an ugly black smoke. The creature had at least two dozen eyes—large soulless black blubs glowing a bright red. An inky black cloud pooled the air behind the monster. It pressed against the glass again, and the spider-web-like cracks grew.

Raspberry jumped out of his seat, and he yelled out for the attendant. The umbrella clutched beside him tightly. With a few more crackling sounds, the ghostly black cloud suddenly pooled out from the ceiling out onto the seat where Raspberry had been sitting. He staggered, and he scraped at the ground to get away from the monster.

The creature grew larger and larger, with muck pouring out from the ceiling. In just a matter of seconds, Raspberry found himself staring at a gigantic face the size of a half the train car. The eyes seemed to carve into his skin with tiny daggers. The monster shifted upwards, and an opening appeared underneath its snout. It looked less like a mouth and more like the door of an oven. The air appeared to wave around in front.

The attendant flew back open the door besides Raspberry. The colt began, “Sir, please, just wait a mome—” He stopped, and then his eyes grew to dinner plate size as he surveyed the monster. “Oh, dear.” He shuffled in place for a second. “Oh… oh, Praise Luna…”

“Well, that’s,” Raspberry said, “That’s just great. What are we going to do?” He looked over at the attendant’s cart and then sized the trays. Raspberry threw cupcake after cupcake at the horrible thing with forty eyes. He threw an empty tray down in frustration and then moved onto another one.

“Uh, sir,” the colt said to Raspberry, “Sir? Sir!”

“What!” Raspberry called out.

“Stop giving him cupcakes, that’s not helping,” the colt said.

“I’m not GIVING him cupcakes! I’m ASSAULTING him with cupcakes!” Raspberry retorted. He shoved the cart to the floor and let out an angry snarl.

The monster made a deep, alien-sounding roar. Raspberry and the attendant tumbled back and fell onto the floor. Raspberry popped back up, and he stared right back at the creature as it moved a few feet closer.

“Alright, alright,” he said, “I am a unicorn after all.” He straightened his suit and took a deep breath. “And that doesn’t just mean I have magic.” He grabbed the sonic device and held it up in front of him like a pistol. “I have…” He narrowed his eyes and concentrated. He saw the tip of the device almost burning with a bright purple— a light so strong that it was almost white. “SCIENCE!” Raspberry fired.

He felt himself thrown back against the wall. He blinked for a second, but then he saw huge purple waves flowing through the air and impacting all over the creature’s face. It staggered back— looking as if it had been hit by a flurry of Stinger missiles. The monster let out a pained moan coupled with sharp screeches. Raspberry tried to cover his ears at the horrible sound.

“He’s… he’s leaving…” stammered the attendant. The horses heard more glass breaking. The grey mass in front of them became indistinct. It seemed to flow back upwards out of the train car. Raspberry stepped forward, and he saw the monster moving up and then lying down on top of the entire train. It seemed to grow in size again.

“Holy…” Raspberry said, “It’s… it’s becoming… train-sized…” The horses jumped over to the train’s right side windows. The monster somehow shifted itself over. They watched the gigantic black thing rolling down the ground besides them just like another train. The creature then seemed to fade in and out of view just like an old television picture tube. Raspberry blinked, and then a moment came when he just couldn’t see a thing.

“That’s… not possible…” the attendant murmured. He looked like he was about to either faint or burst out in tears. Raspberry surveyed the entire forest outside. He suddenly spotted the monster repearring— now quite a distance away— and he tried to point it out to the colt. The creature ran up to some kind of pack of wolves and then immediately devoured them with the ease of jellybeans. Both horses blanched. The wolves’ remains glowed a disturbing bright red just like the creature’s eyes.

“We, we have to get help! We have to warn ponies! Send a notice out to Ponyville!” the colt sputtered, suddenly getting a belated sense of urgency. He jumped up in the air, and then he ran towards the door. Raspberry kept looking out at the window— pressing his nose and front hooves against the glass.

*Twack* Raspberry spun around. He saw the attendant’s face smashing against the low doorway. Raspberry sped over, and he tried to vain to wake up the colt. He tried to pick him up, and then he moved over into the other train cars.

The next twenty minutes were some of the most frustrating of Raspberry’s entire life. He blabbed and blabbed about a train-monster until he could hardly breathe, but it didn’t matter at all. The other ponies had already gathered somehow that Raspberry was a famous musician working under Mr. Knack. Thus, nothing except producing a living, breathing monster would convince them that this all wasn’t some kind of traditional publicity stunt.

The colt didn’t help matters either when he came to. He couldn’t remember much of anything past having breakfast that morning. Raspberry admitted defeat, and he dropped the whole thing. He thought that it was probably good enough that they’d leave him alone for the rest of the trip and that they wouldn’t charge him for breaking the ceiling windows. The fact that the other horses avoided him wasn’t too good when he tried asking questions. Still, every last pony willing to talk to him expressed no interest in Everfree Forest. As well, none of them knew any pony by the name ‘Tiara’.

Raspberry took a set over in another car and pouted. He devoured a second set of cupcakes. Well, stupid friggin’ ponies… This is why WE have particle accelerators and YOU have salt licks that you rub into your own filth. He checked that he still had everything, and he did. He browsed idly through his guidebook to Coltsville. He then gazed out the window. Well, it’s good and gone. It was certainly heading AWAY from Ponyville, and not towards it. I guess I’ll just let it go.

“Hey!” said a young voice. Raspberry glanced down and saw a very small foal with a bright white body. He had a large, frizzy pinkish mane for his size.

“Hello, there,” Raspberry replied.

“Eh’ th’aw ‘et!” the foal declared, “Eh’ th’aw ‘et. Eh was’th a dw’eeam. Eh’ th’aw ‘et. Eh’ th’aw the’h mons’thewr.” He sat back and waved his front hooves into the air in front of his face. “Th’aw googly ey’wes. An’th et was’th all moan an’th yellin’ and’th st’thff.”

“You saw the googly eyed monster I was talking about?” Raspberry asked.

The lisp-heavy foal nodded, and he smiled. He went on, “Eh’ tald mom, bu’th mom sa’th I was’th…”

“Oh, that’s cool,” Raspberry said. Ugh, why is it that only the foals believe me? This had better build up to something, or mean something… Come on, now! “Fortunately, it was heading away from Ponyville.”

“Mom sa’th it’th jus’th mi ima’jun’a’thun,” the foal continued, “Bu’th eh’ kneew da’th wah’hen we ge’th ta Pony’vale. Eh’ th’ll Th’wist, my cou’thin, and awll her frien’th. Do’thn worrie Ra’thberri!”

“God, I hope puberty hits you as hard as an anvil on Elmer Fudd,” Raspberry whispered. He raised his voice and gave thanks. Well, at least someone believes me… Raspberry leaned back into this seat and fell into a bit of a daze.

Chapter Two Part Five

“Alright!” shouted the conductor pony as he flopped out of the train onto the platform, “Here we go! Here we are! Could you all step right out of the doors— single file— please!” He waved a hoof around at the crowd filtering out. “Thank you very much and I hope you all have a great time in Ponyville!”

Raspberry stepped off and migrated out of the mass of ponies towards a bench. He felt a chill of nervousness flowing up his back as he looked upon the city for the first time. Everything looked beautiful to him. A massive fountain surrounded by ornate white marble blasted streams of water into the air. Around it laid dozens of buildings in a variety of bright colors. The shops seemed to almost glow from happiness, which nary a spot of dirt or dust or anything else on them.

“It’s so, so, fake,” he grumbled to himself, “What’s with this rainbow pastel mask, Ponyville?” What secrets are you hiding? He started thinking of the main street inside Walt Disney World. He pictured in his mind’s eye walking around the theme park as a kid. That was way back when I could pick them up and hold them in my arms and everything… Raspberry plopped himself on the bench.

“I know you Coltsville ponies are going to love the small town atmosphere, and have lots of fun,” the conductor said, and he grinned, “And now, we’re off.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Raspberry whispered, “A small town… where you can’t so much as double-park without someone telling your Aunt to nag you about it later…” He looked up at the blue sky. Okay, no more distractions... I have two leads. Not much to go on, but they’re still leads.

Another pony got on the bench besides him, and he paid no attention. Well, I can either head straight for the forest or… No, wait. That would be incredibly stupid. I’ll just ask around. Someone has got to know this ‘Tiara’ character. Someone would… But then what the hell would I do then? Just walk up and say, ‘Hey, do you have a super-powered gem and may I borrow it?’ Do I friggin’ steal it? In the first place, he’ll probably think I’m loony just for asking…

“Excuse me?” asked the pony besides him. Raspberry turned around and eyed her. The unicorn had a flowing mane and large tail— each with a greyish stripe over a dark blue stripe. Her body had a shimmering sky blue color that complimented her big blue eyes. She had an expression of pure wonder in her happy, pretty face.

“Yes,” Raspberry said as he looked over at her cutie mark. Ooooh… a time symbol... She looks pretty familiar… But where and why would I have seen that time symbol before?

“It’s just that,” she began, and she delicately touched his suit with her left hoof, “I’ve only ever seen in my entire life one other pony — and I do mean my entire life— sit like this. It’s like, so, you stick out your bottom hooves down towards the ground? But your body is still resting on the bench, while you stand up straight kind of?” She shifted around. “And your right hoof is curled over the side of the bench behind you… while your left hoof is on your chest? So… unusual.”

Raspberry fantasized pulling out a knife and skinning part of his arm Terminator-style as she watched in terror and then waving his hidden human muscles complete with fingers at her. He dreamed of her screaming so uncontrollably that she passed out. “Well,” he said, “I’m not really… like other colts.”

“Lyra,” the unicorn said, having a light-bulb moment, “That’s her name. She always sits like that. I know she gets teased about it, and that’s not right but… Still, I don’t know. It is unusual, isn’t it? Really different, right? You just get here from Coltsville?”

“Eeeeeeeyup,” Raspberry replied. Damn, I probably need to tone down the humanity or else I’ll be spotted pretty quick! And I’m in the ‘group of six’ central anyways, like Rarity said. I’ll need to keep a really low profile. Maybe some new clothes or something?

“My name’s Colgate, by the way,” the unicorn said. Raspberry burned into his mind how Colgate sat on the bench— lying with her whole body on the middle of it just as a miniature horse on a farm would. “So, I suppose you’ll be staying here for a few days?”

“Raspberry,” he replied, and they tapped hooves for a moment. She smiled again. “And, yes, I think I might be here for a few days, although I don’t want to leave Coltsville for too long.”

“And you’ve got these, these,” she went on as she leaned over at him, looking as if she wanted to touch him all over but strained to be polite, “These… clothes that fit on your lower body besides your bottom hooves… It all looks so, so, snug.”

“Pants?” Raspberry asked.

“Pants!” she declared, and she seemed to almost want to squeal, “They’re so adorable. If either Lyra or Bon Bon saw you they’d totally flip their lids, I know it.”

“Uh… good to know…” he said, and he shifted himself onto the ground. He felt pretty uncomfortable being gawked at like a museum piece, and he also didn’t want to bring in any more suspicion.

“I hope you love it here,” Colgate said, waving, “It’s a beautiful city. And if you ever see Lyra, tell her I said ‘hi’ and tell her where you bought those pants. Seriously.”

“Why, sure,” he began, and he suddenly dropped back onto the ground as his umbrella jumped on him. It pointed over at Colgate and tugged at his suit. “Yes, yes, yes, of course.” The umbrella made a soft ‘meep’. “Oh, for goodness sake, you didn’t think I’d leave you at the damn train station like an ex-girlfriend, did you?”

“That…” Colgate muttered, her eyes inflating to the size of dinner plates, “That is… is…”

“That’s just my, uh,” Raspberry said, “My, uh, umbrella.” Dumbass! Can’t you think of some kind of explanation or something! At least carry it in your mouth like a normal frigging pony or something, instead of having it bounce along next to you like frigging Jar-Jar! Remember— STAY LOW!

“It… it… WALKS? And it… TALKS?” she asked, giggling and bouncing up and down, “Oh… my… GOSH! That’s so cute! C-u-t-e!”

“No it doesn’t,” Raspberry said, “It doesn’t walk or talk or anything. That’s just, uh… the sun playing tricks with our eyes.” He seized the umbrella in his mouth.

“You, you are such a kidder,” Colgate replied with a laugh, “Oh, I am sooooooo telling Pinkie you’re here. She’ll get a real kick out of you. Probably throw a welcoming party, too.” She trotted out of the platform, occasionally waving back at him. “Bye, Raspberry!”

“Well,” Raspberry said to himself, “That’s just… GREAT! Just frigging… GREAT! I’m here to frigging steal something under Celestia’s nose and now they’re giving me a frigging welcoming party!” The umbrella had slinked down his side into a side pocket, where it fit pretty well and clutched against his body. Raspberry looked over as it made a little humming sound. “Oh, I’m not mad at YOU. Chill, seriously.”

Raspberry stepped off into the Ponyville shopping center. He glanced around, feeling totally overwhelmed at the bevy of multicolored ponies. I just need to ask someone. I just need to find the right horse for the job. He surveyed the storefronts and spotted a gray pegasus shoving a package into a mailbox. A-ha! She’ll lead me right to the post office, and I’ll be sure to be able to look up stuff there.

He walked over, but as soon as he made it the pegasus had disappeared. He spun in a circle without noticing a thing. Well, that was… weird… He began to take a seat on the bench beside him.

“Okay then, let’s give it the ol’ college try,” he said to himself. He backed his rear up into the bench. He twisted his back hooves around and tried to nestle them upwards. He bent his side to the right. He then hurled his body upwards with a loud ‘oof’. For a split second, he seemed to have positioned his whole body flat on top of the bench. It promptly tipped over.

Raspberry shot a hoof out of a mass of bushes and moaned— feeling leaves slinking through every part of his body. He suddenly burst his whole body straight up with his front hooves out in the air. “SON OF A BIIIIITCH!” he yelled. He opened his eyes again. He saw that few ponies had stopped walking and now started right at him. He blushed and stepped back over to the mailbox.

“Bitch?” said a soft squeaky voice next to him. He looked down at a young foal with a bright yellow coat and a tuft of dark yellow hair like a Mohawk. She had an unhappy expression. She seemed to peer into his soul with those huge eyes and those fluttering, tiny wings.

“Uhhhh, no,” he said, leaning over, “That’s a…” He lowered his voice. “That’s one of those evil human words. You horses have no need for it. Uhhh…”

She moved to more of a flat expression, and she asked, “But, why?”

“Just, just use one of those Captain Haddock ‘big word’ swear substitutes. Like…” He said, and then he twisted from side to side in a bit of a dance. “Like: Gyroscope! Prestidigitation! Barnacles! Submersions! Bio-luminescence!” The foal chuckled and smiled. “Wonderment! Substantiation! Concatenation!” The foal seemed to give him a mini-salute, and then she trotted away. Raspberry made a satisfied sigh.

“Oh, he’s PERFECT!” another filly remarked from behind his back.

“For… what?” Raspberry asked.

“No wait, don’t move!” said another filly’s voice. “All those leaves on him… great! Now, ready, aim…”

“AIM?” Raspberry called out, although he remained still.

“FIRE!” yelled the original filly.

*Splat* Something whacked the mailbox besides him. Something else took out a clump of leaves in his hair beside his right ear. Raspberry let out a little squeal and then he twirled around. Three little foals sat on the ground in front of him.

One of them had a white body with a fluffy purple and pink striped mane, and her horn glowed faintly. Another had a yellow body with a large red bow to match her red mane. The third one had an orange body with budding wings and a reddish purple mane. All of them had deeply determined expressions on their faces and some kind of pointy wooden contraption in their front hooves. They reminded Raspberry of crossbows.

“Hold still, will ya!” shouted the orange pegasus. The three of them fired at him again. Little white things flew through the air. Leaves bounced off Raspberry’s right side.

“Hold it! Hold it! Stop, stop, STOP!” Raspberry called out. He threw himself down and popped open the umbrella in front of him as a shield. “What on earth is going on here?”

“Crusaders, cease fire,” commanded the yellow pony. Raspberry peeked over the edge of the umbrella.

“Hey mister, there’s nothing to be afraid of,” the pegasus said, and her voice seemed to lay on the sweetness, “We’re just doing this little experiment, and thanks for your help.”

“You’re welcome,” Raspberry replied as he shut the umbrella slowly.

The yellow pony began, “Besides, they’re just—”

*Thwack* She accidentally nudged her device and it hurled a small white thing straight into Raspberry’s mouth. The colt blinked, and then he stretched his lips over it. He chewed.

“Marshmellows!” the three fillies cheered in unison.

“Well, that was, interesting,” Raspberry said flatly.

The pegasus waved a hoof in the air and then began, “It’s just that we knew that we’ve tried outside stuff all of the time and like there’s not much we haven’t already done but then we seriously thought that maybe some kind of lawn or shrubbery or other stuff might be the ticket but then we didn’t want to sit around and do like this boring clipping and trimming and other stuff—”

“Booooooring!” the yellow pony remarked.

The pegasus went on, “So then I thought that maybe we could be like Cutie Mark Crusader Lawn Care Providers if only we had some special help and so we had these wooden things from Twilight and it was just a few easy modifications using the books that we had Twist go and get—”

“And you all are?” Raspberry asked, not wanting to hear much more of that.

The fillies let out a little collective squeal. They turned around and huddled for a second. They whispered ‘new intro, new intro’ to each other, and then they smacked hooves. They turned back around. They all jumped into the air and kicked forwards before landing in some kind of pyramid, reminding Raspberry of Charlie’s Angels.

“We are— the Cutie Mark Crusaders!” they shouted.

“Apple Bloom!” said the yellow one.

“Sweetie Belle!” said the white one.

“Scootaloo!” said the orange one.

“Alright, the ‘new intro’ worked,” said Sweetie Belle with a big smile, “For ooooooonn—” She slipped over to the side and then the whole pyramid crashed back onto the ground.

“Would you mind telling me where you got military style weapons?” Raspberry asked. His tone of voice began as a parental scolding and then switched to genuine curiosity.

“Uhhhhhh,” Sweetie Bell began, looking as if she had made an alibi but couldn’t remember, “We didn’t really ‘get’ it from anypony.”

“Like these longish wooden parts came from Twilight,” Scootaloo said, preparing to run her mouth again, “And she said that they were these things that were spring-loaded and shut up and then bounced out so that they could hold big, heavy cameras but then Apple Bloom thought that they might work to shoot out something from the springy-bits. And then we started playing with them and thought that we might be Cutie Mark Crusader Hobbyist ponies but then Twilight caught us but we only told her we wanted to maybe help film—”

“Twilight let us borrow them completely,” Apple Bloom interrupted, hopping in the air with joy.

“Ah, yes, that smarmy purple dipstick,” Raspberry remarked.

“Oooh, ‘smarmy purple dipstick’, I’ll be sure to use that,” Apple Bloom said, making a devious smile as she tapped the sides of her friends.

“So, wait, what exactly makes you think you can just shoot ponies at random right in the middle of the street?” asked Raspberry, glaring at them.

“That’s a very good question,” Scootaloo said, “And the answer to that is—” She flung her hoof over. “OH MY GOSH WHAT IS HAPPENING OVER THERE!”

“Oh, ‘sure’,” Raspberry sarcastically remarked, “You just expect me to fall for that?” He glanced over behind him and pointed over with his right hoof. “When ‘obviously’ there’s nothing there. Like you think I’m that—”

He blinked, seeing nothing when he turned back over except an empty street. “Stupid,” he finished.

“Oh, really, seriously,” muttered a voice somewhere over to his right. Raspberry spotted the gray pegasus again standing aside a florist’s shop. She grew more and more frustrated as the mailbox refused to open. “Open sesame!” she shouted. She batted the side of it like a cat with a ball of yarn.

Raspberry walked over. He murmured something pointless as he tried to think. He had a good view of her for the first time, and he realized that something seemed seriously off with her face. Her eyes jerked about in separate directions. Yet he felt surprised at himself for how cute she looked to him. Keep it together… seriously… He tapped his head with his hooves and then headed closer. He flinched as the pegasus grew so angry that she clutched the side of the mailbox door with her teeth. She slobbered across the side with her long tongue.

“Excuse me?” he asked. She fluttered her wings in a ‘just one second’ message. She twisted her head and gnawed on the other side of the mailbox door— flopping her tongue all the while. She took a step back. She then thrust a hoof right at the door in something like a karate chop.

“Success!” she yelled, and she clutched a packet of letters from her bag. She hesitated and then leaned over while making a pained expression.

“So, I was wondering,” Raspberry began.

“What was,” the pegasus interrupted, and she couldn’t help sticking her tongue out again, “The last thing you ate?”

“Umm, they had some really nice cupcakes on the train,” he said.

“Magnifique!” she replied, and she stepped closer.

He went on, “With white chocola—” The pegasus reached over and kissed him. Their face smacked together lips to lips, and his mind went blank. In just a split second, it was over.

“Uh, thanks,” he said, feeling an odd combination of pleasure and regret at the gritty, dark taste that been licked into mouth, “And I didn’t even have to take you out to dinner first.”

“Thank you,” she said, “You’d think I’d be used to that taste by now, but… Blaaaaaaaarrrgggghhh…”

“So, I need to ask you something,” he said. She bobbed with excitement. He gazed at her. Dammit, dammit… I shouldn’t find cross-eyes cute and charming… or maybe it’s just her winning personality…

“Oh, yay! Oh, yay! Oh, yay! Yay!” she cried, cracking a gigantic smile, “I’d never thought I’d get an opportunity to use this!” She dug into her pack and somehow pulled out a bright white bowler hat. “And now…” She placed it triumphantly onto her head like a crown. “What would you ask like to ‘Official Canterlot Information Officer Derpy Hooves’?” She made a satisfied expression with a suggestive wink.

What have I gotten myself into? He began, “I’m looking for—”

“Seriously,” she said in suddenly solemn expression, and she leaned over while touching his suit, “I always knew that mail carriers get to serve as ‘Information Officers’. Here, there, and everywhere.” She pointed around in all directions with her hooves and made a knot of them. “And I begged and begged them all, but the Mayor just didn’t think anypony would ask me to inform them on anything. Me. Like there’s something wrong with me!”

“That’s horrible,” Raspberry replied. He wasn’t sure if he felt genuine empathy or was just humoring her.

“So thanks for asking,” she said, smiling again, “Mister… mister…”

“Raspberry Star,” he said while sticking out a hoof.

“Derpy Hooves,” she replied, and she bumped his hoof with her nose, “From la concierge dans la cour…” She bounced a bit from side to side. “From l'agent de police au Carrefour… Hallo Bonjour Salut!”

“Right, sure,” he said, “Now I need to speak to two different ponies about this special thing I’m trying to find. The first one is named Tiara, and she comes from a family that used to live over in Coltsville.”

“Tiara, Tiara, Tiara…” she repeated. He could almost literally see the wheels turning in her head as her slinky eyes rolled left and right. “Nope, I’m sorry. I can’t recall anypony with that name.”

“Drat,” he muttered, letting his head down.

“But then, silly, I don’t remember anypony’s name,” she said, closing her eyes and fluttering her wings. Raspberry shot back up and gave her a blank stare. She went on, “Ne jamais avoir, my purple associate. I haven’t been very good in that kind of stuff, ever since I took the midnight ship to Canterlot here from… wait…” She jiggled her head. “I mean, the afternoon train from Hoofington to here in Coltsville— oh Ponyville, Ponyville. That’s right.”

“Maybe I should go somewhere else,” Raspberry muttered.

“That’s why, Miss Blackberry,” she said, closing her eyes, “I always rely on the tried and true ‘snowflake’ method for memory retention as specified by…” She paused, reached down into another bag, and then pulled out some kind of post-it note. “Ronald Neighgan and the Canterlot State Department back in ol’ 1633, following his victory over those scum-sucking parasprites.” She finished reading.

“So, I’ll be seeing you then I guess,” Raspberry said, although he didn’t back away. He couldn’t get his eyes off of the way she fluttered her wings. So… so damn cute…

“And the ‘snowflake’ method of information retention is thus,” Derpy continued, “Whenever I need to think it, I RAIN THE SNOWFLAKES.” She bounced up and within a few seconds she had covered her face with a layer of post-it notes like a beard.

“That’s… that’s very interesting…” Raspberry replied. For whatever reason, his heart told him that she had won him over by her sheer tenacity, “So, what can you tell me about the Tiara family?”

“Tiara,” she repeated, and then she licked the left side of her face. She seized a specific note and then held it up in front of her face with her tongue like a flashcard. “Oh, there we go.” She spun her body around in a quick blur. She then sat down on the ground, holding just that one note in both hooves. “Diamond Tiara is a small pony, a foal… she’s been here for a long time, as has her family… she goes to school with the rest of the ponies and… no description about her parents except that they make jewelry… huh… there’s something here about how Tiara likes to sugar-lump bumps put in her rumps, whatever that means…” She giggled.

“And?” Raspberry asked.

“Oh dear, Mister Cranberry,” she said, browsing the note, “I don’t see an address here. That’s very odd. I apologize.” She looked over at Raspberry’s sad expression. “But, please, don’t worry. I’m almost finished with my route, and I know absolutely positively for certain cross my heart that I haven’t seen her family yet… could you follow me… I promise it won’t be long, process of elimination after all…”

“Sure!” Raspberry replied. Derpy turned around and motioned for Raspberry to follow. He trotted behind her as they traveled from building to building. She made small talk about how much he should love it in Ponyville if he’s new and how loving and accepting the residents think.

Raspberry chatted back, but he couldn’t help himself gazing down at her fluttering wings. Something about the way in which the features layered into each other— little tufts of fluff dancing atop her gray body— stuck out at him. He fought back himself, feeling ashamed. Geez, you shouldn’t keep thinking about rubbing your hooves through her wings like that you pervy jerk, especially when you just met her... Damn, do you need to rub one out behind a tree or something before you keep going?

Derpy told him more about more about herself as well as about the history of Coltsville. He thought about asking more questions, but he concluded that he should just wait until they reached Tiara’s house. He knew that he had to look pretty creepy the way he just couldn’t take his eyes off her. Yet she was either totally oblivious or totally flattered by the attention.

“Oh!” she remarked, and they came upon this small alleyway between two long closed buildings. Raspberry surveyed the rest of the street around them, and he that realized that they were completely alone. He felt a little chill up his neck. Derpy paused, and then she shuffled down the alley. Raspberry duly followed her. He had a hard enough time with tight spaces as a human, but as a pony he grew totally nauseated. They only had enough space to go through single-file.

“Fight or flight response. Fight the response. Fight or flight response. Fight the response. Fight or flight response,” he chanted to himself, “There’s no danger. Don’t worry. No danger. No danger.”

“A-ha!” she called out. She began patting at the brick wall in front of them as she gazed upwards.

“So… where’s Diamond Tiara?” he asked, trying to hold himself together. He noticed some unusual grey splotches on the wall where Derpy stood.

“Qu'est-ce que c'est?” she asked, looking back at him. Raspberry remained still. “Oh, wait, I’m sorry. I guess she didn’t have any mail today. That’s pretty odd, usually every last pony gets mail. I can count the number of ponies that don’t get mail on just one tentacle.” She held over her right hoof, and then she looked at it— shocked.

“Well, I guess there’s nothing else you can do, or is there something?” he asked, “And why are we here in the first place, anyways?”

“That!” she yelled. Raspberry looked up and then crumpled a bit. A gigantic red smiley face had been carved into the wall somehow. The cold eyes seemed to rip into Raspberry’s heart. He saw a layer of some kind of writing, but it seemed wrong, all wrong. The letters and squiggles didn’t add up to any words— like the mutterings of a psychopath.

“It’s not paint,” Derpy said, and she scratched further, “It’s not magic. I could tell if it was.” She tapped her head. “At least… I think I could. I hope I could.” She blinked, and then she smacked her head against the wall. He licked across damaged brick. “Nope, it would never have that strawberry-mango tone to it if it was magic, wouldn’t it?” She made a cracked sort of smile.

“Okay,” he replied. He kept looking upward, trying to think if he could somehow decipher the message.

“Because EVERYPONY knows that evil magic will leave that specific tangy residue, like a lemon-y muffin,” she went on, contorting her face at the very thought of it, “No. It’s the material of the bricks themselves has been transmogrified into some kind of crystal thing. Almost like jewels beings hammered into the walls.”

“Yeah,” Raspberry said, dreaming of being anywhere else but there.

“It’s like one of those molecular reactions that turns rocks into diamonds,” she went on, “Not magic.”

“Science,” the two ponies said at the same time.

Chapter Two Part Six

“Well, that’s very nice, but that doesn’t get me any closer to Diamond Tiara, now does it?” he remarked. He noticed that she seemed to have lost that sort of nervy, edgy tone to her voice. Is she getting… normal? Somehow changing just by standing here?

“Apprendre à être patiente,” she said, and she gave a reassuring tap to Raspberry’s side, “Now then, I’ll have to retrieve a piece of this.” She clawed at the wall fruitlessly. “Well, oof. Maybe one of those higher pieces up there.”

“Wait, what?” Raspberry asked. He followed where Derpy pointed and noticed some kind of shiny reflective red thing pointing out of the wall several feet above them. He strained and noticed that the jewel teetered on the brink of falling down at them. “Oh, that’s… interesting…”

“We must retrieve the evidence!” she shouted, and then she held up both front hooves into the air, “FOR THE EMPORER!” She scurried against the wall as if running in place for several seconds. She paused and noticed that she remained on the ground. “Oh, dear, I seem to have crashed.” She stared angrily at her hooves. “Why? Why aren’t my superpowers activating?” She bounced upwards a second time. “Go-go, Derpy!”

“Wait a moment,” Raspberry muttered. Or maybe not… same old, same old Derpy… “You have wings, and I don’t. Why don’t you just fly up there?”

“What an excellent suggestion, Miss Cranberry,” she responded. She turned around and yelled at the sparkling piece. “Ne vous était pas encore parvenue!” She closed her eyes and bent down like a basketball player readying for a slam dunk. She moaned softly. Raspberry stood by silently watching for a moment. Nothing happened.

“Uh, just flap them,” he said, “You know, those things on your sides.”

“WHAT!” Derpy yelled, and she almost knocked Raspberry down with her sudden anger, “Somepony has… has… s-s-s-s-s-stolen my engines!” She ruffled around her wings. “I’ll never get a proper airspeed velocity without them, blast it!”

“Well, wait, maybe I can,” Raspberry began, and he tried to brace his head and bottom hooves on the sides of the alleyway walls. He nudged himself a few feet upwards. Dammit, I weigh like a ton… I can’t hold it. I just can’t… He collapsed on himself. His umbrella tumbled out of his suit pocket.

“L'amour des amis,” Derpy called out. The ponies saw the umbrella climb up and then bounced onto Raspberry’s shoulder.

“Yeah, you could help,” Raspberry said. The umbrella gestured something with its hands. Raspberry looked back blankly. The umbrella let out a frustrated noise, and then it gently brushed against Raspberry’s head. “Hey, watch it.” The umbrella brushed him again, touching his horn.

“Oh my goodness, what an idiot I am,” Raspberry suddenly remarked, “I have MAGIC!” He braced himself against the other wall and then extended his right hoof against the wall. He took a deep breath, and then he concentrated. The horses heard some kind of horrible ripping-type noise. Then, a gigantic cloud of tiny red gems mixed in with various bricks floated in the air above them.

“Oh dear,” Derpy said. They ponies clutched together and sprang the umbrella on top of them. Derpy looked over at Raspberry, who tried to look up at his own horn. They heard nothing.

I guess I’m still… floating it… somehow… but then… “I’ve… I’ve just about had enough of this,” Raspberry said, and he led the two of them out of the alleyway back onto the street. Several ponies had wandered over to see the source of all the noise. Yet Derpy and Raspberry couldn’t see anything besides a torrent of hooves from under the umbrella. He took some more steps, and then he seemed to trip a little.

“Uh, oh,” Derpy said. They held close to each other as they heard a pitter-patter of gems along with the occasional heavy thud of a brick. All manner of debris rained down upon them. When it was all over, the umbrella shut itself back up tight and clung back to Raspberry. He threw himself down upon the street and took in the sunshine as well as the open space.

“Finally,” he said, panting and closing his eyes as he laid down, “No more closed spaces…”

“Back away! Back! I said back! BACK! NOW!” shouted Derpy. Raspberry stood back up straight and saw Derpy standing atop a small mountain of little red jewels along with the occasional brick. She kicked from side to side and waved her hooves to keep the crowd from coming any closer to her new stash. A few younger ponies seemed to think they could swipe at least one, but Derpy smacked them down.

Raspberry leaned right over beside Derpy, and he said, “Hey, I know it’s great having a huge hoard of gems and all, but it wasn’t even ours to begin with. I mean, we just found it. So we could share—”

“It’s not OURS, you silly pickle!” she declared, and she thrust her hooves into the air triumphantly, “All glory in wealth and power shall do to the EMPORER! Long may she reign!” The crowd of ponies had mostly backed away several feet from their little hill, but a few others tried to edge themselves over behind Derpy.

Raspberry opened his mouth to say something, but he closed it again. Somehow, all of the gems had remained in a neat pile beside them rather than scattering all across the street as they fell. He felt something he had never felt before. The pile of gems seemed to have this charge to them— this energy. They seemed to want to stick to him or at least stick by him like iron fillings to a magnet.

“Verily, for the spoils of war are magnificent,” Derpy went on in her faux-regal voice. Raspberry closed his eyes and tried to concentrate again. In just a moment, the gems clomped onto each other even closer. He kept going until a homogenous semi-solid red pillar had formed next to them.

Well… this has been interesting… But then again, well… Clearly these aren’t the same thing as the jewel made of hyperspace thing I’m looking for. It’s more like they’re ordinary rubies or something that became charged with teensy bits of hyperspace— like if they were made radioactive. I guess all this was made by that goddamn train-sized ghost monster that I saw. Raspberry looked over at Derpy, who had gone off into this interesting tangent about an invisible Equestrian emperor. So… so what now? So, I’m back to square one. But if the ghost monster thing is going through Ponyville right now as we speak, why the hell isn’t there pandemonium and panic on the streets? Screaming? Running for your lives?

“Yowza, mister,” a youngish voice said, which snapped Raspberry out of his inner monologue. He looked up and saw a precious looking tiny dragon. It had a scaly purple body with green flourishes that made Raspberry think of a lost cousin of Fever Slash. The dragon went to touch the side of the gem mountain, but he stopped halfway. He seemed to reflexively contort his face and jerk around his legs. He reached over again, and he jittered uncontrollably.

“And you are…” Raspberry began.

“I… I’d better not maybe… or should…” the dragon said to himself. He stuck a paw on the pile and then he appeared to suddenly grow a foot taller.

“Well, kid, uh, sir,” Raspberry said, “You can’t have any of these gems, actually. At least I don’t think so.” He turned to Derpy, and she saw that she had seemed to have zoned out of the world completely. Bits of drool plopped onto the ground underneath her. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure you can’t have them.”

“Okay then,” the dragon replied. He actually looked a bit relieved. “No temptation then, and so no worries about going through all that again…” The dragon stepped back into the crowd, which had all eyes on Raspberry.

Raspberry gestured to the crowd and raised his voice, “Yes, because these don’t belong to us. They belong to the gigantic train-monster. It’s flying through Ponyville as we speak.” The dozens of horses remained totally still. “And you can’t see it sometimes because it makes itself invisible and transparent and stuff. But when it becomes real it burns things like with its hyperspace filled insides and it eats ponies. So, like, hide you kids and hide you wife and hide your husband… and… stuff…”

*Cough* The horses kept eying Raspberry. Dammit, dammit, dammit… DAMMIT. I’m not like Derpy’s soul mate or something, you stupid ponies, this IS REAL! All real! “Uh,” he said, “Just… kidding?”

A little filly in the audience let out a big laugh, while the rest of them kept on their blank faces.

“Uh, what this… actually is… is…” Raspberry said. Fine then, enjoy your trip to the glue factory, morons. I’ll just… think of something… “This is for… the orphans!” He thrust himself forward and pounded at the sky. “Oh, yes, yes indeed, for all of the orphans.”

“Oh, the orphans,” said a tall, lanky mare in a sundress. Other murmurs followed. The ponies exchanged glances with each other.

“Yes, of course,” Raspberry went on, “And all of us should care for those… lost… uh, puppies. Yes, the puppies. All of those lost, orphaned puppies. And the bunnies. Yeah, that’s right.” He walked around the jewel pile and tried to match eyes with every pony in the crowd. “The orphaned bunnies.”

“Oh my goodness, I’d never forget the bunnies,” said a bright yellow pegasus. She fluttered herself up in the air and moved towards the front row.

“And that’s just the beginning. And what with all of the kittens. And the little baby, uh, turtles. And all of their friends, and like… stuff… All of the litters of foxes. The baby seals. The soft little chicks,” Raspberry continued, and he knew that he had the crowd fully with him, “All of those poor… poor, unfortunate souls. Don’t you think that we should be doing something about this?”

“Yes!” cheered the crowd. Raspberry paced back in front of the gem pile.

A few seconds later, the yellow pegasus let out a faint “Woo-hoo.”

“And on, uh, behalf of the, uh,” Raspberry said, straining to come up with something coherent, “The… official… uh…” He had a light-bulb moment. “The official Coltsville-Ponyville Administrative Friendship Committee or C-P-A-F-C… or…” He squirted the words out. “Pronounced Seepahfic, I… I mean, ‘we’… We all plan to use this, uh, gift, in the, uh, charity auction. It’s been planned by our Mr. Knack on behalf of the orphaned animals.”

“Oh… I’ve never auctioned something off before…” the yellow pegasus said, moving over beside where Raspberry and Derpy sat.

“So…” Raspberry said. Come on then, end on a high note! “So, three cheers for the animals! Hip! Hip!”

“Hooray!” the crowd shouted.

“Hip! Hip!” he yelled again.

“Hooray!” the crowd shouted again.

“So, a ‘hip’! And a ‘hip’!” he yelled once more, building things up.

“Hooray!” the crowd cheered, and then it began to break up. Raspberry sighed and then leaned over, panting. Thank God that worked… He felt a scaly touch upon his shoulder.

“So, there, I never did get your name,” the dragon said.

“Raspberry,” he replied.

“Spike,” the dragon said, “So, uh, that was really generous. Between you and, uh, all of those ponies over there in Coltsville. I don’t think I’ve even heard of Coltsville until yesterday.” Spike chuckled.

“Neither had I,” Raspberry whispered to himself.

“That was when Twilight mentioned going by herself on this trip there, and it’s so funny that she’d miss out on something like this. She’s over there, and you’re here. Oh well,” Spike said.

“Hey, listen,” Raspberry began. He picked up the dragon into the air and set him onto the curb beside them. “I need some help. To be honest, I’m an A-to-B man. Er, pony. But you know what I mean, right? I can’t move these things any further. I don’t even have, like, a set of carts or something. My job was just to get it all to right here, and I don’t know what to do now.”

“Yes, sir,” Spike said, and he walked over to the bakery a few yards down the street. The dragon spoke with a set of ponies chatting in front of the store.

Okay, then… What now? What the hell! This long in Ponyville and I haven’t accomplished diddly-squat. I haven’t even found a place to stay yet, dammit. He turned over to Derpy. She had frozen into some kind of immobilizing trance.

“Hey, there, hey,” he said, nudging her, “Hey, please…”

“Mom, no! Stop, Mom! Mom! MOM! Stop it! Don’t, I— I— I love you!” she suddenly called out, tears forming. Raspberry grabbed her and tried to snap her out of it. He talked to her and moved his face closer and closer until they were only inches away. She blinked repeatedly.

“You’re… you’re okay…” Raspberry said, “Don’t worry. Don’t worry one bit.” She gazed straight at him. Raspberry couldn’t realize how cute and how vulnerable her crossed-eyes could look.

“It’s okay,” she said, and she sat back down on the ground. She seemed to just naturally lean up against him like an older brother or a parent. Raspberry felt like having a heart attack when he felt her wings brushing up against his side and then rubbing him.

“Hey,” Spike said, popping up next to them, “They all said that they’ll go ahead and start loading the gems up right now. Then, they’ll take them right over to the Mayor’s side office. ‘Anything for the animals’, they said. The Mayor is at this family thing right now, but she’ll be back soon.”

“Oh, that’s great,” Raspberry replied.

“And I guess the whole auction thing…” Spike went on, tapping himself as he thought, “I guess you’ll be planning that out with the Mayor later. But the pony you’d most want to talk to would be Applejack. After all she’s been planning her own auction for all of this new stuff. She’d be the expert, I guess.”

“Thanks,” Raspberry said. The dragon gave another salute and then walked off. Oh wait… DAMMIT! I forgot to ask about seeing Diamond Tiara. I keep getting distracted by this sitcom-y garbage.

“Oh… uh, excuse me,” said a soft voice behind him, “I just… I wouldn’t want to bother you too much or anything… but I…”

“What now?” Raspberry asked sarcastically. The pegasus seemed to shrink a few inches from his tone.

“Oh, it’s not… it’s not anything…” she muttered.

“No, wait, I’m sorry,” he said. Geez, get some manners. Or at least be nice, especially since it’s someone that might help, seriously. “Go ahead, what is it?”

“Oh,” the yellow pegasus said, “I just wanted to thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart. I was wondering for a while now since we just met all of these new cute, furry friends. But I didn’t know if we could afford any more supplies… Let alone the things we need to build them all new homes. This means a lot to me.”

“Oh it’s… it’s… um, my pleasure,” he replied. Dammit, ‘my pleasure’? That sounded creepy.

“I don’t think I’ve seen you before,” she said.

“Raspberry,” he said, and he stuck out a hoof.

“Fluttershy,” she said, and she took his hoof. Raspberry flinched for a moment. He felt that same kind of popping sensation once again. It seemed a lot fainter this time compared to when he might Twilight. His skin tensed up, but it didn’t feel painful— more like being tickled all over by a long feather.

“Oh, hey, listen,” Raspberry said, “It would be just great if you could help me find somepony.”

“Oh, sure,” she replied.

“So, there was this important family that lived in Coltsville,” he said, “It was, uh, the Manechester family. They had a daughter named Tiara, and she moved over around here. That was a really long time ago, but Derpy here told me that there’s somepony here named Tiara. A descendent or something, maybe. Do you know who I’m talking about?”

“Oh… yes… I think,” she said, “Yes, Tiara’s almost always with her friend Silver Spoon. But I don’t know where they would be if they weren’t at school.” She tapped the side of her head. “Oh, wait… school is already long done by now… I’m sorry.”

“Oh, it’s okay, don’t be sorry,” Raspberry said, “Thanks for helping.”

She cheered up a bit. She went on, “Oh… I would look over to the park where the ponies bring their pets. It’s just straight down the main road there, so you can’t miss it. Those two might be where the other foals usually play.”

“Thank you, miss. It was a real pleasure to meet you,” Raspberry said. He tried to put on some kind of charm, and it worked at least in part. She blushed.

“Why didn’t you tell me it was all for the orphans!” Derpy blurted out all of a sudden. She tugged at Raspberry’s suit.

“You, uh… you didn’t ask,” he said.

She stopped. She jiggled her head for a bit, and then she made an astonished face as if she had just discovered nuclear fusion. “You… you’re right! I didn’t! How silly of me!” Derpy said.

“Well, then,” Raspberry said, and he stopped to see how the group of ponies had already loaded most of the red gems away, “If you’d excuse me, I’m off to the park.”

“Wait, wait, wait!” Derpy called out. She smacked a note onto the front of Raspberry’s suit. “I need you to deliver a message for me.”

Raspberry magically lifted the note in front of his face. “Dear Cheerilee. Am at Bakery on right of Town Square. Where should I be? Sincerely, Derpy,” he read silently to himself.

“Thanks,” Derpy said.

Raspberry turned around for a moment, magically picked up a pen from his pocket, and he wrote below— “Home.” He turned around, and then he stuck the message onto Derpy’s side. He made a salute, and she returned it. She read the note, and then she bounced up a little— looking pretty excited. She shook hooves with him, and then she trotted away.

Raspberry sauntered down the street towards the park. He found himself transfixed by the huge amount of young, attractive mares. It’s like I’m about to suffocate from the estrogen poisoning. And what the hell happened? Was there a war or something that got rid of all of the men and the boys? Seriously! The road narrowed into a gravel path into a picturesque set of woods.

Raspberry looked over at a light green pegasus that stood beside a set of barrels. She made a friendly wave, and then she swooshed her long mane. Raspberry waved back, and then he eyed the trees nearby. Dammit... I almost feel like rubbing one out behind one of these big guys. No chance in hell I’d risk it, of course, since there so many foals nearby!

He walked over to a pile of foals sitting on the grass. Yet they scattered as soon as he came within a few feet. He paused. Ugh, there’s got to be some way for me to look like less of a pedophile… Just walking up to strange kids and talking to them. What am I thinking?

“Hey, Ra’thberri,” called out a somewhat familiar sounding voice behind him. Raspberry turned around and saw a young filly with frizzy red hair and thick glasses. She tapped the ground impatiently.

“I take it you’re… you’re,” Raspberry said, “What’s his name’s cousin? You’re Twist.”

“Scruff, fram the’h th’wain,” she said, hopping up and down in excitement, “Scruff tald me evr’th’ang. Scruff th’aw ‘et. An’th th’wen eh’ th’aw the’h mons’thewr. Th’oo!”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Raspberry said, “Are you telling me you saw it too? Really?”

“Yes’th!” she said.

“The thing with forty eyes?” Raspberry asked, and he made a pretend face by waving his hooves around.

“Yes’th!” she said again.

“And two noses on top of each other? And it breathed fire?” Raspberry asked, growing a bit frantic.

“Eh’ th’aw ‘et. Eh was’th a dw’eeam. Eh’ th’aw ‘et, Ra’thberri!” she said.

He asked, “Where the heck is it?”

“U’th th’ere,” she said, and she pointed into a thicket of woods over to their left. Raspberry took several steps over. He squinted into the distance— seeing nothing. Suddenly, several of the tops of trees rustled. He gently nudged Twist to get behind him. He stepped closer off of the path into the woods.

*Crunch* Raspberry surveyed the area, but he still couldn’t spot anything. There was no mistaking the loud noise, though. He moved deeper into the forest. He asked back, “Are you sure? Really sure?”

*Slam* Raspberry got a face full of branch— knocking him over. He closed his eyes for a moment afterwards. He glanced at the ground and then at Twist. She clutched his legs tightly. He then turned his eyes back upwards at the treetops.

“Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhh,” moaned a gigantic black cloud over them. A face began to appear from within the much. Pulses of heat beat down from above.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!” Twist and Raspberry screamed. He picked her up and then ran out of the forest back onto the path. He placed her down onto the grass in front of him and panted. He surveyed back behind him, but the monster seemed to have vanished again. The two of them tried to come back to their senses.

“What are you doing?” asked another familiar sounding voice. Raspberry glanced over and saw Apple Bloom standing several feet above them on top of the grass. Raspberry blushed as he realized how badly he looked. Twist lied flat on her back, facing up, while he perched above her with all hooves, facing down. They both poured out sweat and panted loudly.

Chapter Two Part Seven

“It’s, uh,” he muttered, “Not what it looks like… really…” Twist ambled back on her hooves quickly.

“Eh’ th’aw ‘et!” Twist yelled.

“Oh, for Pete’s sake, Twist,” retorted the other foal, “You’re even worse than a broken record.”

“Baat, if’ths TH’RUE!” Twist protested. Apple Bloom stepped down the grassy knoll and stood beside the two horses.

“And so what if you found a grown-up that believes you. Big deal. It’s not like my sister, my brother, or any of us Crusaders have seen a THING. Any of us,” Apple Bloom went on.

Twist seemed about to cry. Raspberry didn’t know what to think. He had enough brotherly instincts that he didn’t want her to feel too bad. “Hey, now wait a moment,” he said, and he stepped out between the two foals, “It’s no secret. All you need to do is head back through there.”

“Alright, fine. Whatever you said, Mr. Blueberry,” Apple Bloom said, dialing up the sarcasm, “Because EVERPONY knows that an eccentric musician is the best pony to go to about monsters.”

The red haired foal headed into the forest where Raspberry had just been. He rustled through his clothes, and then he pulled out the sonic device. “Well… I guess it’s going to be go time,” he whispered to himself. Raspberry stepped cautiously behind Apple Bloom. Twist followed in toto— clinging close to Raspberry’s side like a teddy bear.

In just a moment, they found themselves deep inside the forest. “Well, this looks like a big fat LOAD of NOTHING,” Apple Bloom announced. Raspberry surveyed the area. He detected some kind of soft motions in the treetops several yards ahead. The foals appeared oblivious.

Raspberry pulled out his umbrella and laid it on the ground. “Wesker… Twist,” he whispered. He held out the sonic device and aimed in the air ahead of him. The umbrella moved over and nudged Twist. She muttered something and then found herself lead away from Raspberry back towards the path.

*Creak* Branches bent in the air somewhere on top of the three horses. They all froze. Raspberry pointed the device straight upwards. He squinted, but he couldn’t see a thing.

“Gotcha!” two young voices screamed. Raspberry found himself knocked down again. He felt something gray and soft squishing his face. He saw out of the corner of his right eye Twist yelling, crying, and running as fast as she could back to the path. The umbrella bounced along close behind.

“Get, get OFF!” Raspberry called out. He pushed forwards, and then he got back on his hooves. He tapped the sides of his head and jiggled himself. He saw two foals sitting right in front of him clapping.

“Ha, ha, just look at that ugly little twerp run,” a gray foal said. She had a small spoon as her cutie mark and a very satisfied expression on her face. Her friend— a little pink filly with a smart looking crown— grinned from ear to ear as well.

“Oh, applesauce,” said a weak voice next to Raspberry. Apple Bloom’s head then poked out of a gigantic pile of leaves that she had apparently sought refuge in.

“You should have seen the look on your face, too,” the pink foal said, and she keeled over in laughter.

“That stupid blank flank,” the grey foal said, “I can’t believe it. She’s a nice jumper when she’s terrified.”

Apple Bloom took a deep breath and then blew the leaves off of her face. She said, “That… wasn’t funny. Not. At. All.”

“Awwwww, did the blank flank have it’s widdle feelwings hurt?” the pink foal asked, pursing her lips, “At that country fried twerp had an opportunity to finally get a bath, if a lake of leaves count.”

Apple Bloom grimaced. Raspberry thought that she had fantasized choking them with her bare hooves. He had already just about had enough. “Well, look,” he said, trying to put on a parental tone, “That wasn’t a very nice thing to do.”

“You should have seen your face, too,” the grey foal said, and she started to chuckle. The friends tapped each other playfully.

“Now, listen you,” Raspberry said, and he growled a little bit.

“Listen YOU,” the pink foal said, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you before, mister, and I don’t think you know who you’re talking to.”

“What I think I know…” he said, and he gestured at them with his device, “Is that you two almost got yourself sonically disrupted.”

“Come again?” the grey foal asked.

“And this whole thing is more than a waste of time,” Raspberry went on, “Since I’m still not any closer to finding Tiara.” He glanced over at Apple Bloom. She shook her head while smacking a hoof to her face.

“Boop!” the grey foal said, and she pointed onto her friend’s head. The pink foal pointed to herself.

“Wait… boop?” Raspberry asked. I guess that’s her and Silver Spoon. I didn’t picture them so… bitchy.

“Yep, that’s her,” the grey foal said, “Age before beauty!” Silver Spoon made a huge smirk. Diamond Tiara sniggered her face and then gave her friend a shove. “Hey!”

“We all know that I’M the most beautiful one,” Tiara said, and she adjusted her hair. Her friend protested and gave a return shove. They then quickly became embroiled in an ‘Are not! Are too!’ battle.

“Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!” Raspberry shouted. He turned back over to Apple Bloom. “Could you go find Twist and tell her everything is all right please? Thanks.” The red haired filly nodded and then trotted away. Raspberry turned back over at Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara. “Tiara!”

“Yes?” she asked.

“I…” he began, and he paused. Oh my goodness, how the hell do I even begin with her? Especially now… Now that I know she’s not exactly one of those loving and tolerance ponies… “I… I need something.”

“What something?” Tiara asked. She seemed genuinely curious.

“So your family, or at least some members of your family,” he said, “Anyways, a pony came over here from Coltsville. She was named Tiara. She had been part of the prestigious Manechester family, a trading family, and she had this special jewel thing. She had wanted to keep it safe from being ‘used’ for bad purposes. This was a long time ago. Any of this ringing a bell?”

“Ummmmmmmm…” Tiara said, and she puckered her face, “Nope.”

“Dammit,” Raspberry muttered. Back to square one? Or… I guess at least I could see if I could talk to Zecorb or whatever her name was in Everfree Forest…

“But I know that my dad would know all of that stuff,” she continued, “We come from a very respectable, very well off, and very prestigious family.”

“Sure,” he said.

She sensed an opportunity to brag, and she simply couldn’t resist. Tiara went on, “Oh yes! Our family has long and deep connections to major trading families in every single major city. From Canterlot to Hoofington to Coltsville and beyond! My family has had all varieties of gems and jewels passed on from hoof to hoof through the generations!”

“Anything small, but with special scientific abilities? Something that passed in through another mare named ‘Tiara’? And anything related to where your own name came from?” Raspberry asked, and he saw the young filly struggling to remember.

“What is this, a police interrogation?” Silver Spoon remarked. She nudged her friend. “Let’s stop wasting our time with this friend of blank flanks.”

“No, no,” Tiara said, and she stepped over towards Raspberry. She looked up at him, and he saw that he had struck some kind of nerve. Her cynicism and bad attitude had somehow melted right out of her. “My name? I remember. It came, in part, from a friend of my grandfather. A good friend. A close friend. Someone as close as a sister. I remember… my grandfather would go on and on about her. They had all of these wonderful adventures. I don’t think I ever did see her.”

“Oh,” Spoon said, and she seemed to withdraw.

“When I was really little, I thought that she was almost like an invisible guardian— watching me and protecting me all of the time,” the pink foal went on, “How do you know all this? Why are you asking?”

“I’m looking for something,” Raspberry said, “So, I really need to talk to your dad.”

“Sure, I’ll show you where to go to get to our house,” she said. Tiara also winked back at Spoon— unbeknownst to Raspberry. The stallion did see Spoon nod back, but he paid it no mind.

The horses went out of the woods and headed back into the town. They cut through some streets and then walked towards some farmland. Diamond Tiara realized that Raspberry had never been to Ponyville. She and her friend then went on and on about the history of the town, about how supremely awesome their families were, and about how ignorant and silly the other foals were. Raspberry began to zone out.

“Alright, here we are,” Tiara said. Spoon smiled and tried to suppress a chuckle. The horses stood on a sort of plateau before a long path of nothing. Several small houses and barns stood yards and yards ahead. “Just walk right this way.”

“Well, okay then,” Raspberry said. He stepped forward cautiously. The two foals didn’t follow him. “Are you sure this is the fastest way there?”

“Oh, just keep walking, keep going straight. Our house is right there behind those houses,” Tiara said. She tried and failed not to smile.

Raspberry kept walking. He measured each step carefully. He leaned back and said, “Seriously, whatever it is, just forget it. I seriously need to talk to your dad at your house.”

“Oh, just keep going,” Spoon replied, “Just go straight.”

Raspberry began, “Well, I don’t see why you both won’t come wi—”

*Splat* Raspberry suddenly found himself two feet deep in something sticky and mushy. He tried to step forward, but the ground stuck to him like clay. “What the hell was that! I didn’t see a goddamn ledge or step or cliff or anything!” he called out.

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” the little brats laughed. Raspberry surveyed the ledge several feet above him. He bared his teeth.

“The ‘Granny Smith Drop’ NEVER gets old,” Spoon yelled out from somewhere up above, “The suckers just keep going, and they can never see that the ledge ends and the ground begins!”

“That wasn’t funny!” Raspberry called back.

“Sure, sure it wasn’t,” Tiara yelled in between laughs, “Well, Mr. Raspberry— bye!” Raspberry tried to move, but each nudge seemed to sink him deeper into the muck.

“Well, then, what kind of pony has a SPOON for a cutie mark anyway!” he hollered, “Seriously! A damn SPOON? What’s your special talent? Being a big fat PIG that sucks up whatever food you can get your hooves ON?"

The grey foul groused back at him, and he smiled. Tiara also shouted something indistinct. “And you," Raspberry called out, "You think you’re the ‘most beautiful one’, huh? Really? I’ll give you ten years, tops, before you’re dancing around a pole. Ten years, tops, until you’re standing in a red-lit Coltsville window. TEN YEARS, TOPS!”

“I think they’re out of earshot,” Sweetie Belle said. She had just walked up out of a set of bushes on the edge of the mucky pool.

“Sure…” Raspberry muttered.

“Do you want me to get a rope or something?” she asked, “And don’t worry. It’s sticky as anything, but it’s not deep. I doubt it would even reach your pants if you kept struggling.”

“Struggling,” Raspberry repeated, and he did just that. He reached a boiling point. He paused, and he gazed at the white foals huge eyes. He looked over at her horn. “Oh, for pete’s sake. I’m a unicorn.” He shook his head. “I shouldn’t worry about this crap.” Raspberry closed his eyes, concentrated, and then grunted. He heard a huge splashing sound.

“Ooooh, wow,” Sweetie Belle said. Raspberry opened his eyes, and he saw himself standing in the middle of an empty dirt crater. He smiled, but that immediately turned into a frown when he noticed that he sprayed the foal head to toe.

“Oh, sorry,” he said, and he sped over to her.

“I’m glad my sister didn’t see this,” she remarked, and she hopped a few feet into a nearby pool to clean herself. Within a matter of seconds, she seemed good as new.

“So… where are we?” Raspberry asked.

“Right beside the Apple family house,” Belle said, “And quite a ways away from Filthy Rich’s house.”

“Who?” he asked.

“He’s Diamond Tiara’s dad,” she said, putting her face to her hoof. Raspberry exchanged some pleasantries with her, and then they both headed over in the right direction. They chatted for a while as they walked. He decided to be more open with her compared to Derpy— and a whole lot more open compared to Tiara.

He discussed his life in Coltsville as well as what he did in Ponyville so far. She blushed as he praised Rarity, and he blushed back when she informed him that Rarity was her older sister. She detailed some of the recent events from Princess Luna’s return as Nightmare Moon to Fluttershy’s career for Photo Finish to Twilight’s accidental curse of the whole town.

She ranted a bit about her search for a cutie mark and the success that Twist, Silver Spoon, Diamond Tiara, and the other foals had had getting their own ones. She said that she believed the story about a train-sized monster, and Raspberry talked about it in depth. Before too long, they had appeared several houses away from an opulent mansion.

“THERE you are!” Scootaloo called out, and she seemed to jump out of nowhere onto Sweetie Belle between house, “We’ve been looking everywhere for you!”

“I’ve been busy,” she replied, and she pushed Scootaloo off of her.

“There’s a horrible monster going about the town. It has forty eyes. And two noses, one on top of the other. And it breathes fire,” Scootaloo said, acting out each description. Belle pointed over and over again at Raspberry— standing there behind Scootaloo— but the orange pegasus paid no attention. “Twist AND Scruff are both worried sick. Snails spotted it around the school, and now he won’t even speak.” Belle rolled her eyes, physically grabbed, and then rotated her 180 degrees until she faced Raspberry.

“Hello,” the stallion said.

“Oh. My. Gosh,” Scootaloo said, “Why didn’t you tell us before that this monster was coming to town?”

“I… you…” he muttered, “You didn’t… ask.”

“I… I guess we didn’t,” the pegasus said. She leaned over to her friend and told her that all suspicious looking future visitors should be asked about potential monsters. She then turned back to Raspberry. “We’ve got at least four foals that have seen it with their own two eyes. But not a single adult believes us. Except you.”

“Well, of course I’d believe it,” Raspberry said, and he rubbed his mane nervously, “I mean, after all, I did… give… ‘birth’ to it.”

The foals’ eyes seemed to inflate to the size of beach balls. Scootaloo picked up a hoof and gently pointed it at Raspberry.

“You… you’re… you’re…” she muttered, “You’re a… a… MARE?”

Raspberry laughed. “Of course not,” he replied.

The foals continued to stare at him. Finally, Sweetie Belle shook her head, and she said, “You must look awfully strange naked!”

“Oh, it wasn’t like… the birthing… it wasn’t… I wasn’t what a mommy and a daddy horse normally do,” Raspberry fumbled as to how to explain, but then he dropped it and said, “Look, that doesn’t matter. There’s gotta be somepony that knows how to deal with those things. With odd ghosties and monsters and things of that sort. I was told by this one pony… Jetter! That was the name!” Scootaloo smiled. “She told me that there’s this one pony that lives in Everfree Forest named Z-something.”

“Oh, my goodness, I can’t believe I didn’t think of that already!” Scootaloo called out, “And Zecora is here. She’s here— ALREADY! It should be easily to track her down and get to the bottom of this mystery! Let’s go!” The two foals sped off down the street.

“Good, good,” Raspberry said to himself. They’ve got that lead, and I’m on this other lead. He moved towards the front door of the mansion. He glanced down. The welcome mat read ‘GET LOST’ followed by ‘Just kidding’ in much smaller text. That’s not a good sign… He took a deep breath, and then he knocked. Nothing happened. He tried opening the door, which had neither a knob nor a recognizable handle. No dice!

Raspberry cased the outside of the house. He loved the landscaping and the exterior decorating. The bright white tiles running alongside the walls seemed to sparkle. Still, neither the front nor the front door would budge. He sat down at the backyard swing and kicked off. There’s got to be… some way inside… He swung back and forth a few times, and then he jumped off. He landed right in front of the kitchen window. He pressed his face against the window and didn’t see anything.

“If only this was unlocked,” he muttered, “But, obviously, it—” He reached down, and then the window lifted right up. “Couldn’t be.” He plopped down onto the sink, and then he found himself lying on the kitchen floor. He got back up and cleaned himself off. Hmm… nice place… very nice... It reminds me a lot of Steve’s place over in DuPage County. He looked over at the back door, and for whatever reason he decided to open it up. It swung out for a few inches and then remained ajar.

Raspberry then snuck around room to room. He saw gigantic pieces of furniture, two expensive looking table and chair sets, a group of miniature ships under glass, a huge toy train set, a long salt lick, and several homogenous bookcases holding a bevy of business, economics, and finance related material. He didn’t see any gems. But… would it really be that obvious? Seriously? It’s not like it’s going to be a ‘Spy Kids’ or Saturday Morning Cartoon thing where the big glowing object in the center of the room is the thing I’m supposed to pick up.

Raspberry suddenly smacked into a large glass cabinet. He rubbed his head, and then he surveyed the variety of trinkets inside. Nothing looked familiar. He closed his eyes tightly and tried to remember. Think! Think! He stood up on his hind legs. “Dammit,” he called out, “Think! What was I thinking?”

“Good question,” said a gruff voice behind him. Raspberry turned around, and then something hard smacked him upside the head. He tumbled onto the soft floor with a low groan. Everything went black.

Chapter Two Part Eight

In a few minutes, Raspberry came to. He had been picked up and placed on a couch with a thick, heavy blanket on him. He muttered something. A large stallion with a slick black mane and a brownish grey body stepped out in front of him. The stallion also wore a very smart looking tie along with the top section of a suit.

“I suppose I should be glad that, if you’re going to be a burglar, you’re going to do it well dressed,” the stallion said. Raspberry moved himself over and sat up straight on the couch. He eyed the stallion’s cutie mark— a batch of three bags with big dollar signs.

“Thanks,” Raspberry said. He felt relieved that the stallion looked one part annoyed and four parts bemused. “The only problem with that is— I’m not a burglar.”

“Interesting,” the stallion said, “But that’s a little hard to believe when you barge right into my home without so much as an appointment.”

“But— but— but— but—” Raspberry stammered, “The door and window was open.”

“Really, I hardly believe that,” the stallion replied. He leaned back and said something to a gigantic dark gray colt beside him. The colt made a salute, stepped away, and then stepped right back. He shook his head ‘yes’.

“See what I mean,” Raspberry said, “Mister… mister…”

“Filthy Rich,” the stallion replied, “Please call me Mr. Rich.” Raspberry shook hooves and smiled. Rich smiled back at him. Rich then leaned back over and screamed angrily at the colt. The colt seemed to shrivel a few inches.

“Rich, reminds me of Charlie Rich,” Raspberry said, “Oh, I’m Raspberry, Raspberry Star.” Rich’s associate walked away and didn’t return. Rich leaned over— wheels apparently turning in his mind.

“Charlie Rich?” he asked.

“The country singer. He was really big post World War II, around as big as Elvis. Similar kind of voice too, except that Elvis ended up having a much bigger legacy. Nowadays, you wouldn’t know Rich unless you were really into that era’s songs,” Raspberry answered, and then he stopped himself from rambling on.

“Elvis was… who exactly?” Rich asked.

“Elvis was…” Raspberry said, and then he paused, “Well, look, if we get started down this road, I’ll be here for weeks.”

Rich cracked a big smile. “You’re a musician as well as a businessman? And you’re ethically challenged enough to engage in minor breaking and entering to get an audience— instead of waiting days and days for an appointment, well,” Rich said, “You’re a rat after my own heart then, I must confess.”

“Look, let’s start over,” Raspberry said.

“No problem,” Rich said, “Now then, what can I do for you?” He took a seat besides Raspberry.

Raspberry shared his story with Filthy Rich. He skipped over everything before he woke up at the hospital, but— otherwise— he spared little detail. Rich slapped his knee when Raspberry brought up Diamond Tiara.

“Haha, Granny Smith ledge, again,” Rich remarked, smiling widely, “That little rascal. I’d think that she’d be well tired of that by now, seriously.”

“It’s not very funny,” Raspberry replied. He talked for a little while longer. The dark gray colt walked in and served them both teas.

“Miss Tiara,” Rich said, “Well, she left us many heirlooms. None of which we’d be willing to part with.”

“Never,” Raspberry said, “Really, never ever? Even if it was just being borrowed? Just so I could examine it and use it? It would hardly be for that long.”

“And… ‘use’ it,” Rich repeated, “Look, you should have seen my father’s face when she passed away. And how he delicately and carefully cleaned everything, arranged everything. Goodness, he’d probably be spinning in his grave to even think of having us part with Tiara’s things.”

“I seriously need help,” Raspberry protested.

“I understand, but you must understand that you have one…” Rich said, and he searched for the right word, “One… ‘remarkable’ story.”

“It often is the longest and least believable stories that are the truest,” Raspberry remarked.

Rich waved his right hoof in the air— acknowledging Raspberry’s point without saying a word. “Look, put yourself in my position,” he said, “Train monsters? A stallion giving… ‘birth’? And for Pete’s sake, you said that you didn’t even know what the jewels even look like!”

“I… didn’t know…” Raspberry muttered. He thought back, and then he realized something had drastically changed. “But… but I know. I know now. I KNOW.” He jumped up and stood on his hind hooves. “I KNOW! I REMEMBER! I CAN REMEMBER!” He grabbed Rich and shook him. Raspberry made the biggest smile that could possibly be made. He hopped backwards and danced a little jig.

“That’s, uh,” Rich replied, “Nice. I suppose.” He took some more sips of tea. “Raspberry, in all honesty, I think Doctor Missingname put you up to this.”

“What,” Raspberry said.

“Because I showed the good Doctor the door immediately— after he assaulted me with his technobabble,” Rich went on, “I wouldn’t put it past him for him to send an… ‘acolyte’, shall we say, to needle more funding out of me. Not to mention getting his grubby hooves all over Tiara’s old things. But the answer is ‘no’. It’s always been ‘no’.”

“I don’t… I don’t know what you’re talking about…” Raspberry said, “And you know, what, I don’t care. I remember!”

“Remember what?” Rich asked, getting a bit irritated.

Raspberry looked out and spotted a desk with stationary. He threw himself over and immediately began drawing. He picked up the paper and thrust it in front of Rich. “I know,” he declared, “What the jewels look like. All of them. All four. Not three. Nuh, huh. Four. After I compressed the hyperspace, the pieces formed into this huge chunk. But it was unstable. And it ruptured into these four pieces. I kept one piece for myself. But the company was fine with the other three. They only really needed one— or so they THOUGHT!”

Rich picked up the paper and eyed it all over. “I get the feeling that I won’t like where this is going,” he muttered. Raspberry paced the floor in the middle of the room.

“I guess it was just… It was the bonk on the head just now,” Raspberry said, “Damn. It’s just like something out of ‘All My Children’ or something… so stupid. But it worked. It worked! I guess I have you to thank for that grievous bodily injury, Mr. Rich.”

“It was Deep over there,” Rich replied, guesting over at the dark grey colt in the kitchen, “Deep Six.”

“Thanks!” Raspberry yelled. Deep Six nodded back at him.

“I really won’t like where this is going,” Rich repeated, “And it will start just as soon as she—” A sunny sing-song voice appeared, and then a tall light grey mare trotted into the living room. “Oh, BINGO!” The mare looked over— confused. “Like clockwork, my dear. Good or bad, you’re always just in time at the exact moment, like clockwork.”

Raspberry had no idea what Rich was going on about. He got up and walked over besides the mare. She wore a frilly white sash that went well with her large necklace and long, flowing light blue hair. He glanced down at her cutie mark— scissors and a set of combs.

“Raspberry Star,” he said, “Nice to meet you.”

“Silky Smooth,” she replied, “Charmed.” Raspberry reached down and kissed her hoof. She smiled and giggled a bit.
“Goodness, Rich, why didn’t you let you let your dear sister-in-law know that we had company?” Sliky asked.

Raspberry heard Rich said something back, but he had already zoned out. He gazed at her necklace. It didn’t just look supremely pretty on her. It also featured a very unique looking jewel. It shone with a very light sky blue across its numerous, jagged edges. It seemed less like a jewel and more like some combination of diamond, glass, and chalk. The reflective layers stacked on top of each other like patties in a cheeseburger. It looked so familiar. Yet somehow something seemed off about the whole gem.

“My, aren’t we in a friendly mood?” she asked. Raspberry realized that he had moved in just inches above her skin. He blushed and then slowly edged away. He breathed in her sharp blueberry perfume.

Raspberry looked at Rich. The stallion tapped his hooves on his head impatiently. Raspberry shrugged back, and then he glanced back over at Silky Smooth. Smooth is right… yowza… She’s a total angel.

Rich couldn’t take it anymore. “Well?” he asked.

“Well, what?” Raspberry asked back.

“You know,” Rich said, “I was almost expecting you to just grab the necklace off of her and run. You’d use your magic or something. Then, out the door.”

Raspberry threw his head back and laughed. He said, “Seriously… you think I’d be that stupid? When, a, you’re influential enough to make my life worse than death when I leave that door, and— more importantly— b, it’s an obvious fake of the real thing? Do I look that dim? I’m offended.”

Rich smiled back and handed Raspberry a cup of tea. “Alright, alright,” Rich said, “I’m about nine-tenths of the way there. But I need proof. Serious proof. Prove to me that these inter-dimensional boogeymares are after you.”

“I suppose that you could,” Raspberry said, “Feast your eyes on my walking, talking…” He reached into his pocket and found nothing. “Oh… damn.” You left it— left him— left Wesker— whatever the hell you want to call it— It’s not here! Twist has him, remember! “Umm…” He fumbled through his other things. Bits, the guidebook, the letter from Knack, the sonic thing… HEY! The sonic thing! “I’ve got this!”

Rich eyed the little black device. “What does it do, again?” he inquired.

“What doesn’t it do,” Raspberry muttered back. He then pressed buttons at randomly. Nothing seemed to happen. He kept on. Occasionally, the device lit up. Yet nothing else happened. Raspberry took a deep breath. “Okay, then, maybe if I press… all of the buttons at once?”

“Visual to sonic energy transfer initializing,” the device whispered in a tinny voice.

“Well, that’s… interesting…” Rich muttered. Silky moved over besides the stallions.

“Preparing to fire in... 5… 4…” the device counted down. The horses panicked. They shouted pointlessly at each other. “3… 2…” Silky had the idea to throw it into the sink, which she did. “1… Run…” All of the light inside the house seemed to disappear. A loud bang and a cloud of white mist erupted over the sink.

“That had,” Silky said, “Oh dear, I hope it didn’t ruin the new cabinets.” She trotted over. “Oh, no worries then. As harmless as a firework, I think. I guess. Lots of dust around, though…”

Rich stared straight at Raspberry. The purple stallion felt as if he had shrunk into foal size. “Get. Out,” Rich said flatly.

“No, no hard feelings, right?” Raspberry asked. Rich wordlessly picked up the sonic device from Silky, and then Rich threw it at Raspberry’s side.

“I don’t have hard feelings,” Rich replied, “I just say ‘goodbye’.”

Raspberry put the device back in his other pocket, and he nodded. He trotted himself out the front door. Silky smiled and waved. Raspberry did the same back, and then the door slammed.

“Well, come on,” Silky said from behind the door, “That was the most excitement I’ve had all week!”

Rich groused something back. Silky protested that Rich’s idea of an exciting time was discovering a tie sale. Raspberry couldn’t hear the rest, but he breathed easy that Rich didn’t seem too angry. Rich seemed more like he just felt upset at having wasted his valuable time.

Raspberry walked out and took a seat at a bench opposite Rich’s house. Well… now what? I’m sure that a living, breathing train-monster would convince him. But he’s not going to just take Snails’ word for it. Or maybe the umbrella. Probably the umbrella. Dammit! Where the hell did Twist go? Raspberry got up, took a breath, and then he headed back into the town square.

I probably need a place to stay, too… Raspberry wandered from store to store. He asked around, but no one seemed to have seen the frizzy haired foal with the coke-bottle glasses. He changed tactics and asked about a large pony named Zecora. In that case, the ponies didn’t seem to even want anything to do with Raspberry. He stopped to get himself something to eat. He glanced around at all of the construction as he relaxed.

Every single building seemed to have something being added. Construction ponies scurried around every which way. Raspberry surveyed the whole shopping center. The buildings all stretched into a gigantic arc. In the center, a monument looking somewhat like a pony version of the Lady Liberty shot straight upwards into the air.

Yet, instead of a torch, she carried a large sphere about the same size as Raspberry. He thought that it resembled a disco ball, although it had far more class. He gazed at how the light reflected from all around the complex into the ball. He glanced up above at the taller buildings, and he saw how the light seemed to flow back onto little mirrors added to various walls.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Raspberry heard someone say from behind him. He looked over and he saw Spike taking a seat.
“You know, this might make no sense, but I’m glad to see something that’s not female,” Raspberry said. Ugh, it all feels so wrong. Aren’t there any ugly broads in Equestria? It seems so, somehow, irrational to have every single pony be like a perfect ten fashion model. And it sure as hell plays havoc with your hormones.

“Uh, thanks,” Spike said, and he scratched his head in confusion, “Anyways, I was glad to run into you. I thought that you’d probably be admiring all of the new stuff Mr. Rich is putting in.”

“Ah, I should have known he’d have his fingers in all this,” Raspberry remarked.

“Fingers?” Spike asked.

“His, uh, end bits… his hoof… ends...” Raspberry muttered, “Whatever. Did you need to talk to me about something? I’ve been looking everywhere if anyone has seen Twist. She has something very important of mine.”

“Twist? Twist, huh, no, I can’t say that I have,” Spike replied, “But I guess she’ll probably be there at the auction. I think she loves animals just like everypony else at the school.”

“Auction?” Raspberry asked.

“Yes, the auction, you know, from the Coltsville society thing,” Spike said, and he tapped Raspberry’s side, “You are such a kidder, I like that.”

“Oh, of course,” Raspberry replied. Shoot, I had forgotten all about that story I fed them. Well, I guess, how hard could it be? I just stand in one place and rattle off numbers. Oh, come on… it’s harder than that. Remember that one episode of ‘Celebrity Apprentice’? It took Joan frigging Rivers to get that auction to work. And you, dear Raspberry, are no Joan Rivers.

“The Mayor wanted to meet with you ASAP,” Spike said, “But before then, I think that you need to talk to Applejack. She said she would co-ordinate the whole thing. The pile of gems is already safely stored right now, and I made sure that not a single one has been misplaced.”

“Uh, co-ordinate nothing,” Raspberry replied. Spike gave him a confused look. “Just let her run the whole thing. From stem to stern. Tell her that I’m very impressed with her, uh, record in running Apple family affairs?”

“Oh, really? You’ve been over to her farm and stuff?” inquired Spike.

“I’ve been nearby,” Raspberry said, “And, yadda yadda yadda, it’s all hers.” He waved a hoof dismissively. “Now then, if no one has seen Twist, what about the rest of them? Sweetie Belle? Scootaloo?”

“No idea,” Spike replied, “Between you and me, I think they’re all planning something.”

“Oh, joy,” Raspberry said sarcastically. He finished off his biscotti. “Well, what about Zecora then, has anyone seen her anywhere?”

“Oh, she was right at Sugarcube Corner,” Spike answered.

“Right there!” Raspberry called out, and he grabbed the baby dragon. Spike let out an ‘eep’ as Raspberry hugged him. “Thank goodness!” The stallion put Spike back on the opposing chair.

“Okay,” Spike said, “Yeah that zebra was just walking out of the place just a few seconds ago while I was walking over here. It was straight over thatway.” He pointed behind himself.

“Awesome,” Raspberry replied, and he got up, “Bye!”

“Wait,” Spike grabbed the end of Raspberry’s suit, “What about the auction?”

“What about it—” Raspberry began, and then his mind started running through dozens of possible issues. He shook his head. “Look, just, I just think— Carpe diem!” He thrust his right hoof triumphantly.

“Carpet?” Spike asked.

“Carpe diem! Seize the day!” yelled Raspberry. He focused his eyes right on the baby dragon’s eyes. “Everything that we need to do, do it now. Right now. Everything at once. Hold the auction ASAP. Why not? The night, I mean, the day is young! Let’s do it right now, when everypony is already out and exited. Hold it now! Get the stuff out and have a platform right here in front of the sculpture. Let Applejack know that she’ll be announcing. Let the Mayor know that I’ll meet him right there.”

“Wait, right now?” Spike asked, “But there’s not enough time…”

“Give it like twenty or thirty minutes. You can do that. I know you can. I have the utmost faith in you Spike. I’ll bet that you’ve never really had much of a chance to run anything,” Raspberry said.

“I guess,” Spike said, suddenly feeling glum.

“Carpe diem!” Raspberry yelled again, and he prepared to speed away.

“Carpet dying!” Spike called out, and he trotted down over to a group of ponies at the nearby florists.

“Close enough,” Raspberry muttered, and he headed off towards Sugarcube Corner. He ran and then halted himself right in front of the massive building. It couldn’t be anything other than the most wonderful kind of bakery. He paused to marvel at all of the decorations on the building. He then yanked open the door and looked inside. Noone there!

He slammed the door, and then he glanced all about. He saw a wide variety of horses of all shapes, colors, and sizes. He didn’t see a zebra. DAMMIT! Raspberry headed over and asked group after group nearby. Several of them had seen a zebra, but none of them recalled where she had gone. Many of them seemed rather uncomfortable for some reason and dodged his questions. As well, not a single pony recalled seeing Twist anywhere.

Raspberry found himself at another bench besides some kind of furniture store. He took a deep breath and sat back down. He looked down and saw that he had sat the unnatural way— the human way. He shifted himself upwards, but then he paused halfway. “To hell with it,” he muttered.

What the hell am I supposed to do? I know Rich has it. Ugh… I’m not going to just steal it. Or would I even try? I know he HAS it. I have no frigging clue where he KEEPS it. It could be a safe-deposit box in a Hoofington bank for all I know! UGH! Raspberry leaned back and stared up at the clouds. He hardly noticed the large pink blob ascending from deep within the bushes behind him. The pink thing melted out of the bushes completely, looking a lot like a T-1000, and then she perched herself directly over Raspberry.

The stallion closed his eyes and muttered to himself,“Hmmmm, maybe Twist is—” He opened his eyes again, and he saw nothing but a pink blur smothering him. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” the bright pink mare yelled back at Raspberry— looking as if she was about to explode in cheer. She smiled, and then did a kind of cartwheel that then landed her right on the bench besides him. He went to scream again, but then she thrust something small and soft into his mouth.

“Oooh, lemony,” he muttered. The mare twirled a bit in place. She had a vibrant pink mane to go with her pink body. Her cutie mark stood out immediately— a set of balloons.

“Hello, hello, hello, mister / I hope today finds you well!” the mare sang. She hopped out onto the street in front of Raspberry and did a lively dance. “I hear you’re helping out our animals / And that makes you really swell! We all love making friends / And we know that you’re brand new! So come by after the auction / It’s our party here for you!”

“Thanks,” Raspberry said.

“They’ll be cakes and cookies and sodas / And some special surprises too! We know that you’re all busy / We hate to see you feeling blue! Head right after the auction / Come on in and be a smarty! Everypony will be there / We know you’ll love your party!” she sang. As soon as she stopped, she leaned over and panted profusely.

“And, you are…” Raspberry began.

“Pinkie Pie, at your service,” she replied, and the she grabbed both of his front hooves and shook them.

“Oooh, ooh, oh,” Raspberry muttered. He felt little fireworks going off underneath his pony skin. Well, she’s one of the magic, special six. No doubt. She let go of him, and then the popping sensations ended. “Hmmm, that was interesting.”

“What was what?” Pinkie asked.

“Can you do something for me?” Raspberry asked back.

She nodded, and then Raspberry awkwardly reached over with his right hoof. He touched around her own right hoof. He felt a sort of static charge that built up before their bodies touched. When they rubbed each other, he almost felt like he would be erupting electricity from the end of his hoof like a pony Sith Lord.

“Oh, wait, I know what this is,” Pinkie said, “What a minute. I can get it. I can get it.” She scrunched her face as she tried to think. “A-ha! I know what it is! I know for sure! You’re a fortune teller! That’s why you want to keep touching my hooves.”

“Sure, I’ll go with that,” Raspberry replied. He decided to be a lot more brazen and rubbed along her right hoof, and then her left hoof. Something didn’t seem to work, though. He felt that every single time he touched her that unpleasant popping sensation became weaker, not stronger. He gazed into her humongous eyes for a moment. It’s feels nothing at all like you’re dangerous to me. It feels more like, somehow, you’re good magic, and I’m neutral magic. But you’re not hurting me. It feels… good. It’s like you’re… you’re… ‘winning me over’. I’m an iron filling and you’re my magnet.

“What do you say! What do you say!” Pinkie squealed.

“Say what?” Raspberry asked.

“What’s my fortune?” Pinkie asked back, and she curled her mane on her face. The move looked as adorable as kittens playing with puppies in a bed of rose petals.

“You’re fortune is, uh,” Raspberry said, “Excellent. Totally excellent!” He stood up off of the bench. “Because, guess what?”

“What!” Pinkie yelled.

“I’m coming to your party!” Raspberry exclaimed. Pinkie squealed and did a victory dance. She babbled about how she would be telling every single pony in the entire city to head to the auction and then the upcoming party. She seemed to disappear in a blur. Raspberry waved over to where she had stood.

Chapter Two Part Nine

He then began to walk back over to the train station. He felt pretty lost— having no idea where to go or what to do. Well, this is some fine, friggin’, ‘Thomas the Tank Engine’ / ‘Mister Rodgers’ / ‘Raffi’ stuff we have here. But I’m still no closer to any of the three other friggin’ jewels. Not to mention that God only knows what abomination my next headache is going to bring. He walked over by the platform. He suddenly detected a familiar sounding voice.

“Oh, come on, no. It’s got to be somewhere,” said a young pegasus. She turned around and bumped right into Raspberry.

“Jetter!” Raspberry exclaimed. She yelled his name back and they bumped hooves. “Well, why on earth are you here?”

“Why else would I be anywhere,” she muttered back, looking perturbed all of a sudden, “My Mom dragged me over here to see another podunk cousin.”

“Okay, sure,” Raspberry said, and he scratched his head. Well… I guess I’m happy to see you. But I don’t think that helps anything.

She went on, “I’ve been here for WAY too long. Looking for the blasted— HEY! There it is!” She pointed up at the wall behind Raspberry. The stallion squinted. He spotted a single skate resting on top of a pipe on the roof.

“You threw that?” Raspberry asked. Jetter nodded in the affirmative. “Nice distance.” The pegasus shrugged. “So, I guess we’ll need to reach that?” Jetter nodded once again.

“Well, you’re one of the, you know— Why don’t you just fly up there?” Raspberry asked. Jetter shrunk her eyes into little beads and shot out snot from her nose. As she fluttered her little wings, Raspberry nervously gulped. “Okay, I get it. Sorry. Really.”

Jetter calmed down, and then she said, “Since you’re apparently somepony with a good handle on magic…” Raspberry shrugged. He turned over, closed his eyes, and he tried to concentrate. The skate became enveloped by a purple aura. It bobbed in the air. For some reason, it didn’t seem to want to come down.

Raspberry scrunched his face and concentrated twice as hard. The skate seemed to burn with bright purple light. Yet it continued to wiggle up in the air.

Raspberry began, “Well what gives, serious—” A huge wispy cloud formed around behind the skate. The air seemed to pulse with intense heat. The two ponies had their jaws drop. Jetter moved in underneath Raspberry’s legs. The cloud grew darker and darker. In just a few seconds, the stallion found himself face to face with the monster again.

“Well, hello,” he said meekly. The monster let out a horrible growl. Those dozens of cold, soulless eyes focused right on Raspberry. Then, they moved back to the skate. The creature shifted a few feet forward. The skate melted before Raspberry’s eyes into a dark grey husk, and then it disappeared into the monster’s thick smoky body.

Jetter cried softly. Raspberry nudged himself forward until she was sitting totally behind him. Although shaking from pure fear, he managed to slowly nudge his suit over and pull the sonic device out of his pocket. The monster eyed the street beside the two ponies. It then turned over and looked straight at the tiny pegasus.

“Oh, you ugly bastard, you are not going after any little fillies today,” Raspberry said. He clenched his teeth and held up the device. The monster continued to stare at Jetter, and Raspberry lit himself up with purple light. He forced himself to breathe. The creature’s body seemed to inflate from elephant size to building size. Raspberry tasted the sweat pouring down his cheeks, and he saw his glasses start to fog up. “I don’t… I don’t care how friggin’ big and friggin’ powerful you think you are.”

The monster let out a roar that built up louder and louder every second. Jetter seemed to clutch his leg so tightly that Raspberry thought she would leave a mark. The creature suddenly stopped, and it poured itself down the roof like rainwater down a drain. The eyes seemed to burst with a glowing red.

“SMILE YOU SON OF A BITCH!” Raspberry shouted. He fired straight in the middle of its bundle of eyes. Waves of purple energy enveloped the monster’s head, and it screamed in pain. It shifted back over on top of the roof. The dozens of eyes darted about in multiple directions.

“Mere magical force is not enough! Only the potion can be that tough!” yelled somepony that had just jumped besides them. Raspberry didn’t have time to look over. He focused himself at the monster, and he fired again. This shot knocked off most of the creature’s mouth, although it quickly reformed from its cloudy body.

“No, this is not the way to fight! Only the special magic will be right!” the unfamiliar voice went on.

“Well, then, friggin’ HELP!” Raspberry called out. He turned over. He saw a tall zebra with jagged grey stripes and all kinds of golden accoutrements. She looked pretty angry. “Uh, help, please. Zecora?”

“Use it!” Zecora yelled. She tossed a large vial at him. “Don’t lose it!” Raspberry snatched it and then held it up in the air besides his sonic device. The monster burst out from above the roof and shot towards them again.

“NO!” Raspberry shouted. Without really thinking, he jammed the vial on top of the disruptor and aimed it straight above. He let out an angry growl and fired right onto the monster’s nose. The vial flew through the air several feet and then exploded in front of the monster.

Waves of purple sparkles mixed in with bright blue droplets and broken glass bathed the creature’s face. Lightening flew out of its body, and it’s face contorted in obvious pain. It let out a low moan and seemed to shrink five sizes smaller.

“No, it must not flee! This simply cannot be!” Zecora shouted in vain. The monster immediately enveloped itself with a patch of wind and vanished once again. The zebra cursed something below her breath, and then she turned to the two ponies.

“It’s not going anywhere,” Raspberry said, “It’s like a program going from read-only to normal and back again. Or a dolphin jumping in and out of the water world.” He paused and realized that neither metaphor worked for ponies. “Or it’s just, look, the point is it flows in and out of this universe. I know that. I think I can’t send it home. I have to just trap it and kill it.”

“Easier said than done. Most ponies would simply run,” Zecora said.

“Raspberry, what in the world was that thing?” Jetter asked. She hadn’t been able to keep the tears from pouring out. She stepped out a bit from under Raspberry’s side.

Raspberry turned over to her and said, “Just, just go to your Mom and your family. Stay inside. Go right, now. Right. Now.”

“Raspberry?” she asked— this time much more quietly. He leaned over to hear her better. She popped upwards and placed a kiss on his cheek. “Thanks.” She cried a little bit more, but she steeled herself. She then sped off of the platform.

“It’s hardly believable, but it is true. Few ponies believe of this, besides me and you,” Zecora said, looking over right at Raspberry.

“Oh, tell me about it,” he remarked, “And to think that it’s been going from building to building and everything…”

“I believe!” a familiar voice peeped up from the wall opposite from where the ponies stood. Raspberry looked up and saw Derpy flying just above the roof. She swooped down and then sat on the ground next to him.

“Great,” he said sarcastically. We have an eccentric musician from out of town, a bunch of foals, a zebra feared as an evil enchantress, and the town’s own special ed student. That’s just great. A real respected neighborhood watch, an upright citizens brigade…

“We have no time to waste,” Zecora said, and she pressed a foul smelling flask into Raspberry’s face, “Quickly, drink without haste.”

“I’m not—” began Raspberry. The zebra somehow got him into a headlock and pressed the flask deep into his mouth. He moaned as the syrup poured down his throat. It burned his insides and left his taste buds almost screaming for mercy. He jerked himself free and gasped. He saw bluish black smoke coming out of his mouth.

“What the hell was that!” Raspberry called out. He tried to keep himself from vomiting. “Gym socks cooked in a jock strap sprinkled with pencil shavings?”

“I wish I could say I had saved your life. Alas, you face much further strife,” Zecora said. She packed the flask back into a satchel.

“I know, I remember,” Raspberry said, trying to get it together, “That first explosion— I had enough hyperspace blasted into every last capillary that I should have inflated like a balloon or otherwise died some gruesome death. But I guess my own crappy genes saved me.”

“You’re aware of your condition? That death is the likely fruition?” Zecora asked.

“That nice family of auto-immune crap— from Addison’s Disease to Grave’s Disease and Celestia knows what— meant that for whatever reason my cells get along with hyperspace like peanut butter and jelly. I’m POSTIVIVE that that’s why the second round of being blasted with hyperspace that sent me here didn’t leave me a shriveled horse mutant corpse,” Raspberry went on. Derpy had no clue what he was saying, but she could tell how upset he felt. She nudged over and gave him a hug.

“It’s your head— it’s deep inside. All of these wounds that you cannot hide,” Zecora said, and she pulled out a salve.

“Yeah,” he said, and he paused. Zecora had cracked open something and began rubbing it all over his forehead. “Is that…” He sniffed the air. “Blueberry?” Zecora nodded ‘yes’ and went on.

“So, anyways, I remember. I remember being out. I was in the hospital. I couldn’t move. But I heard everything," Raspberry said, "I forget it all at first. But I remember everything. They said that my brain had been popped like Swiss Cheese.”

Zecora finished wiping his head, and then she produced a long parchment. She laid it down upon the nearby bench. Raspberry looked over at the various items spread across the parchment.

“Oh, for crying out loud, seriously? I have to take ALL of this— right freaking now?” Raspberry asked.”

“Only every piece of magic together will allay your fears. Otherwise, you shall have blood pouring from your ears,” Zecora replied. Raspberry shrugged and groused something about how Blue Cross and Blue Shield wouldn’t have him dealing with this sort of crap. Derpy gazed silently at a path of tiny, candy-colored pieces on the far right of the parchment.

“Lick this all over and then eat it,” Zecora barked commands as she moved from item to item, “Chew on that leaf and then spit. Breathe in that vapor. Rub your ears with that paper.” Raspberry muffled indiscriminately as Zecora operated on him. He couldn’t feel more ridiculous. “Pour that potion over your hair. Suck on that half a pear. Rub that lotion into your eyes. Do not worry, I tell you no lies. Now, stuff your shirt with that treated hay. ”

Raspberry had enough, and he remarked, “I’m NOT stuffing my clothes like a goddamn scarecrow—”

“You must be exposed to the hay! Do it without delay!” Zecora called out, and she jerked him around. She rammed the hay— soaked in some kind of sweet-smelling chemicals— down his shirt, up his sleeves, and then down his pants. He let out a girly squeal as the cold hay matted down. Zecora then plopped a small piece into his mouth that tasted something like a Skittle soaked in cream soda.

“Well, that seemed to be a total… waste…” Raspberry said, and he suddenly began to shake. He keeled over, and he felt almost like a balloon having the air let out of him. He had the sensation of being tired— so tired that he could nap for a century. He then felt a bubbly kind of feeling in his stomach and up his throat.

Raspberry braced himself, and then he coughed up repeatedly. After several seconds, he got back on his hooves. He stared at the mysterious gritty black substance that he had vomited onto the floor. Zecora wordlessly stepped over and smashed the little pile with a hoof. It seemed to evaporate.

“You’re welcome, Raspberry. Now, to find the monster— we must hurry,” the zebra said. She glanced over and spotted Derpy slyly brushing the candied dots into her mailbag. Zecora smacked Derpy’s hoof and frowned. “No, that you must not do! Those growth pills are not for you!” Derpy gave the zebra a dirty look.

“Raspberry needed only one,” Zecora said, “To take so many would not be fun.” Raspberry and Zecora walked out the platform. They missed out that Derpy had already swiped a lot of the pills. As they all walked down towards the main shopping center, Derpy peeked down into her mailbag and gazed upon them. She felt the thrill and obliviousness of a kid that had found her father’s handgun.

They walked around pointlessly for a while. “Oh, this is no use,” Raspberry said, “It might has well have gone right back into the Everfree Forest by now. And this still doesn’t help me find freaking Twist anywhere.” Raspberry bumped into a thick mass of ponies. He couldn’t make out what they were saying, but everyone looked pretty excited.

“Hey, where is… hey wait… hey, excuse me…” Raspberry murmured, and he found himself carried as if he had an invisible escalator deep into the crowd. He glanced around and couldn’t see or hear from either Derpy or Zecora anymore. He tried to interrupt other ponies, but no one listened. He then softly bumped against a stage. He surveyed the area and realized that he had been moved back into the circular shopping center.

“Oh, there you are,” Spike said, and he lead Raspberry over behind a curtain to some kind of staging area. The dragon jumped up and down in total enthusiasm. “I did it. We did it. We did everything. And doesn’t it look amazing? I think almost every single pony in Ponyville is in the center right now.”

“Oh, that’s really cool, yeah,” Raspberry said. Well, I guess this would be a pretty soft target for the friggin train-monster. All of the city’s horses lined up just like a buffet. But, then again, there’s no reason to think that it’s still in the city right now. It’s sort of afraid of me. I think. I hope. It may be halfway on the way back to Coltsville for all we know. Best not to worry about it too much. Or maybe I’m just stupid.

“And even Twilight showed up, about out of nowhere,” Spike went on, “It was crazy. I guess her special project or whatever for the Princess already ended. Pretty quick, huh? I don’t know where she is right now.” Spike surveyed the area behind the curtain. “Oh, well. The Mayor should be somewhere here. Or maybe she’ll be here any minute now. I think Applejack had to step out for just one second too.”

An orange mare with a brown cowboy hat and a pretty yellowish white mane popped out of the curtain. She exchanged pleasantries with Raspberry. The stallion felt like breaking down from the pure frustration. Seriously… this could not be a worse waste of time… He informed Applejack that he just planned to speak a few words at the beginning of the auction and then she would be in charge of everything afterward. She grinned and nodded.

“You’re on,” Colgate said, suddenly popping out from another curtain behind them. Raspberry took a gulp and then he wandered through. He stepped up some steps. He then found himself upon a large stage in the middle of the shopping center. All of the buildings along with dozens upon dozens stared straight at him.

“Okay…” he muttered. He hated crowds, open spaces, and public speaking enough as a human. He tried to keep himself from going into full panic attack mode. “Not fight or flight. Not fight or flight. There’s no danger. No danger. Not fight or flight. No danger. Not fight or flight. No danger.” Somepony snuck up behind him.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” the sharply dressed mare told him. He immediately put two and two together and realized that she was the Mayor. He talked with her for a little bit. He then took a deep breath.

The Mayor walked out to the end of the stage and made a quick announcement. She then stepped back and pointed at Raspberry. He made the same walk over. He then stood alone in front of the crowd with Colgate, Spike, the Mayor, and Applejack some distance behind him.

Oh… oh boy… oh… boy… oh dear… “So…” he began, “How are ya’ll doing today?”

The crowd cheered back at him.

“That is,” he replied, and he did a little pumping motion with a hoof, “FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC!”

“The crowd cheered once more.

“And I’d like to thank you all very much for coming. From the bottom of my heart, it’s truly great. I’m so glad to be here. I’d like to give a special thanks to the team here that helped put everything together,” Raspberry announced, and then he gestured at the ponies behind him. They all waved modestly. The crowd applauded. “Yes, you’d be hard pressed to find a better, a more productive, or a more helpful set of ponies in all of Equestia.” Okay… what now? Raspberry scanned the crowd.

“Could Twist come up to the stage please?” Raspberry asked. The mass of horses stirred. Batches of them looked at each other in total confusion— wondering what on earth he would want with that foal. Some group of strong stallions produced Twist. She found herself picked up and then carried over to the stage. She carried the special umbrella in her mouth.

“Oh, awesome!” Raspberry yelled. He looked out again into the huge mass. “Could Twilight come up as well?” The crowd mingled with itself. Twilight appeared somewhere far off besides stage right. She ambled up and plopped herself onto the stage. She trotted over to where Raspberry stood.

“You?” Twilight asked. She looked pretty frustrated as well as totally confused.

“Yes, me,” Raspberry replied. He gestured with his hooves to say that he was yielding the floor to her.

“I just have one thing to say right now,” Twilight announced, and the crowd whooped it up. She braced to call out something, but then Raspberry tapped her side. She glanced over into the distance where he pointed. The air atop the florists’ shop appeared wavy. It looked as if the shop was about to burst into flames. A large grey cloud developed atop the heated air. “I just have one thing… to say… right now…”

“LOOK OUT!” Twilight screamed. The crowd all did an about face and looked off into the distance. The cloud had transmogrified into that all too familiar face with dozens of eyes and a gaping mouth. It swelled from cabinet size to the size of an RV. The monster snorted from its two noses and let out a gigantic roar.

Everypony panicked. Raspberry heard all kind of desperate screaming. Mothers and fathers grabbed their foals. Short ponies hid behind chairs, benches, pots of flowers, and anything else they could find. Dozens of horses rushed the stage. Raspberry felt himself grabbed on multiple ends. He protested to no avail. The monster let out a horrific metallic whine that stopped the horses in their tracks. Many of them clutched their eyes to keep out the awful sound.

The monster built up the whine, and it poured itself down off of the florist’s place onto the entrance of the shopping center. Ponies writhed on the ground as they clawed at their ears. The creature then swelled itself a bit bigger, and the noises stopped. The screams of terror resumed.

“There’s got to be something… something… I can… do…” Raspberry muttered. He pulled out his sonic device. “I can’t… I can’t just zap him…” He got tossed about in the confusion. “Dammit. It’s not enough. He’s gotten himself too big, too powerful. I have to do something… special…”

“What is that thing?” Twilight asked, and the two unicorns found themselves shoved on top of each other. Raspberry muttered back at he had given birth to the monster on the train over, and Twilight smacked him upside the head. She went to grab his disruptor. “And, Praise Celestia, what is this? Some kind of explosive or something?”

“Explosive,” Raspberry repeated. He looked in vain as the monster smashed into a shop and tore the building into pieces. The nearby bench melted like a marshmallow at a campfire. “Wait… OF COURSE! I’m such an IDIOT!” He glanced up at all of the mirrored decorations all across the arc of buildings.

“What is it!” Twilight yelled.

A chuck of marble and tile flew over their heads, and the unicorns ducked under a table. Raspberry yelled back at her, trying to reach over the sudden winds, “We’re standing in the middle of a freaking solar power station, basically. If I got everything to light up—” He gestured at the sphere-bearing sculpture nearby. “I could turn on this things’ light-powered bomb and then blow that bastard to kingdom come.”

“What are you waiting for then!” Twilight shouted. The wind had built up. Bits of debris flowed through the air. The screams of horses kept coming and coming. Raspberry hoped that no one had been totally eaten yet. “Raspberry! Just move over and have us zap the globe with magic. Then use your thing, if that’s really how it works.” She looked more than skeptical.

“It’s not that easy,” he replied. They found themselves lying down alone as the bench blew right off its hinges and flew upwards. They ducked into a small alleyway. “It does a fat lot of good to blow up the device on the ground right here. The son of a bitch has to be standing on top of it. Or better yet, have the damn thing shot right into his mouth. We need help.”

“Help—” began Twilight. They then found themselves rocked back and forth by something like an earthquake. They looked up, and they saw nothing but a huge grey mass like a blimp. The unicorns plopped their heads out of the alley, and they saw the wind die down. They stepped out into the street and then looked backwards.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” screamed the monster. It coiled upwards like a cobra about to strike. Yet it faced completely away from the terrified crowd of ponies below.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Derpy yelled back. Her gigantic head stuck right through the roof of the building besides Raspberry and Twilight. She let out a massive roar, and then she burst right out onto the middle of the street. She backed up on her hind hooves and braced her front hooves in the air. She looked like a T-Rex sized Joe Frazier. “LEAVE MY FRIENDS ALONE!”

Raspberry pumped a victory hoof in the air, and then he grabbed Twilight. They saw the monster edge closer to Derpy. She slammed a haymaker punch right into the creature’s face. Although it reformed in just a few seconds, the monster screamed in pain. Derpy’s hoof seemed a bit burnt, but she kept her angry stare— focused right on that batch of forty eyes.

“Come on!” Raspberry screamed at Twilight. He hopped over on top of hunks of debris and ponies that lay curled on the ground. He spotted Twist besides a huge upturned crate of apples. He grabbed her and pulled her out. Thank goodness, no worse for wear… Twilight gave Twist a tender, motherly hug. Raspberry buried his face in the crate, and he returned with his umbrella in his mouth.

“What’s that for?” Twilight asked. Raspberry thrust the umbrella in front of her and then pointed her at the pony version of Lady Liberty.

“No time to explain, just use it. Use it like a lightning rod. It’s magic. It’ll concentrate magic. Neither of us can reach that reflective sphere thing with our bare hooves,” Raspberry told her. She nodded and sped over to the middle of the complex. “I’ll be right over, just hang on.”

“Do it Derpy! Yeah, knock him with another left! YEAH!” Apple Bloom shouted somewhere. Raspberry glanced up and saw her sitting on an upturned pullcart atop a ruined bakery.

“YES! Now another right! YEAH!” Sweetie Belle yelled. The three fillies pumped their hooves in the air and cheered. Scootaloo danced at a haymaker punch that knocked half of the monster’s mouth off.

Raspberry cheered as well at Derpy’s moves. “Hey!” Raspberry called out to them— trying not to get distracted. The foals smiled and waved at him. “You wouldn’t happen to have the…” The foals held up their crossbow-like things.

“I had thought that we’d have the opportunity to be Cutie Mark Monster Hunter Crusaders,” Sweetie Belle said, “But I guess Derpy is handling it pretty well!”

“Listen!” Raspberry yelled, “I need your help.” He held up the sonic device. “I need one of you to fire this bomb at the monster. When it’s in the right place. It’ll go off like C4. I know it’s dangerous.”

“See… four?” Apple Bloom asked. They then chatted with each other.

“Okay, we’ve decided that Scootaloo will fire the bomb. The two of use will provide covering fire with our, uh, marshmallows,” Sweetie Belle said. They all gave a salute. The stallion saluted back.

“Celestia, please forgive me for giving an explosive to children,” Raspberry muttered to himself. He grabbed the pushcart and pulled the foals over towards the center of the complex. Twilight tapped the umbrella upon the sphere impatiently. She told Raspberry that something seemed wrong. It almost seemed as if the mere presence of the monster had started sucking out her magic.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders lined up right behind the pushcart and aimed right in the middle of the complex above the sculpture. Raspberry grabbed the device and prepared to activate it. He turned to Twilight. “Look, if it’s you plus me, it’s got to be enough magic, despite anything. I don’t care. It’s now or never,” he said. He turned over towards Derpy.

Derpy seemed worried about burning her hooves. Gigantic drops of sweat dripped off of her face and crashed upon the ground. Yet the monster shuffled back and forth— looking pretty tired. She growled at the creature. She called out, “L'amour des amis!”

“I’ve heard that,” Raspberry muttered. ‘For the love of friends’? Or something like that. The love of friends. He put his hooves to his mouth and screamed at Derpy. “HEY! DERPY!” She looked down at him for a moment. “KNOCK HIM OVER HERE! RIGHT HERE!” She nodded.

Raspberry held the device in front of him. He saw Derpy brace herself. The monster flew towards her. She slammed a right hook straight in the middle of its body. She followed up with a left hook over on its left chin. The monster left out a gruff moan, and it stumbled backwards towards the center of the complex. Raspberry shot out a victory hoof.

The monster got back upwards, and it made one last final lunge. Raspberry clicked the device. He heard it begin to count down, and he threw it to Scootaloo. He jumped over to the side on top on Twilight. They held hooves together on the umbrella. They screamed as they tried to concentrate their magic. A pulsing purple cloud with thousands of sparks developed around them.

*Pow* Derpy thrust both hooves straight in front of her. The monster had its face completely bashed in. Raspberry heard a “4… 3…” count off as the creature tumbled onto the middle of the complex right in front of him. The fillies fired, and little things flew up in the air right inside of the monster’s mouth.

“2!” screamed the two unicorns. They poured every last ounce of their magical strength through the umbrella into the reflective sphere. It burned white hot. Suddenly, every last corner of the shopping complex became bathed in light. The crowds of ponies shielded their eyes— everything a solid white blur. The unicorns let out a “1!”

Everything went completely black. Every last photon seemed to be sucked out of Ponyville. The crowds heard an incredibly loud hissing sound like a celestial vacuum cleaner. They braced themselves.

*Boom* A gigantic blue ball of energy enveloped the middle of the complex. Pulses of purple electricity shot through it. It cracked like a gigantic egg and then flew off in all directions. Raspberry found himself thrown back several feet as thousands upon thousands of bright sparks flew out above him. The sparks danced around in the air farther and farther out, and then they slowly dissipated. He got back to his hooves, and he looked out.

A smoking crater had replaced where the stage, sculpture, sphere, and miniature park had been. Raspberry blinked and said nothing. Then, he started to cheer. The crowds around him began to erupt. Ponies clapped, cried tears of joy, and danced in the street. The Cutie Mark Crusaders jumped up on top of Raspberry’s side. He hugged them, and he didn’t have the heart to tell him that even this didn’t give them their cutie marks.

Raspberry found himself in the middle of a mass of happy horses. He thought for a second that they were about to cheer his name. They shouted for Derpy shouted instead. Other ponies shouted for Twilight. Raspberry laughed, and then he joined the chorus.

“Three cheers for Derpy! Hip! Hip! Hooray!” Everypony cried.

““Three cheers for Twilight! Hip! Hip! Hooray!” Everypony cried afterward.

Raspberry ended up being pushed over to the end of the still smoking crater. “Oh, my, where are you… Wesker…” he muttered. He felt like he had been kicked in the side. “Somewhere in there?”

“Ra’thberri!” Twist yelled. She pounced on Raspberry— knocking him down into a pile of fresh vegetables, smashed apples, torn up papers, and various debris.

“That’s right, we did it,” he said, rubbing her hair and smiling. He cracked an even bigger smile when she produced his umbrella from on top of his back. He gave it a hug, and then he placed it back in his inside suit pocket.

“I think you forgot this,” said a stallion behind him. He turned around and saw Rich holding up the sonic device. It seemed— somehow— just in as pristine condition as before. Raspberry put the disruptor back in his other pocket and thanked Rich.

A crowd of ponies— including Colgate, Applejack, Sweetie Belle, and many others— swarmed around behind Raspberry. They started to pull him back into the jubilation. Raspberry smiled and waved at Rich.

“And you also forgot this,” Rich said, and he threw something. Raspberry tried to clutch it, but he quickly got sucked back into the huge crowd. He bobbed back and forth in the jubilation. He suddenly thrust his hoof straight up to see what he had held. The necklace sparkled in the sun. He gazed into the light bluish crystalline material.

“YES! YES! YES!” Raspberry screamed, and he put the necklace around himself. He looked pretty silly, but he couldn’t care less. Some of the horses had made a conga line of celebration, and he jumped at the back. He spotted Pinkie Pie somewhere up ahead. She yelled over something about bringing the party to the streets. Raspberry couldn’t say ‘yes’ fast enough.

=End Chapter Two

Chapter One Part One

“Something has to happen!” shouted a skinny foal with a dark blue mane. His father glanced over the top of his copy of The Canterlot Times. The foal made his characteristic sneer and mindlessly rapped his front hooves on the café table.

“What something?” the father asked. He wore a light white doctor’s jacket complete with a golden lapel marked ‘Doctor Wright’ and a gray stethoscope over his tall, lanky body. He had the same flowing, dark blue mane— albeit with more grey hairs then he’d like to admit. He looked back at the paper when he heard no response, but after a few seconds he asked again. “What’s the problem? I’d think you’d be jumping for joy by now. No school, no plans, no worries… no problems… nothing going on…” He trailed off.

“That’s it!” the foal hollered, “I’m just sick of it. Everything is too pure, too perfect. The grass is all green. The sky is all blue. Everypony is smiling. Everypony gives you a polite ‘hello’. All of your patients have nothing worse than a toothache.”

“And this is why you're complaining,” Wright said under his breath. His mood changed as he gazed over at his son's face. “Heh, there it is. That excitement. That hunger. That drive. That need for adventure. You’re just too much like me at that age. It’s almost painful to see.”

“But it’s like— like— like— life is just a picture frame. It’s so phony. It’s so forced. And we’re walking through it,” the foal went on.

“That’s nice, sure,” Wright said, losing attention fast, “Very… nice…”

“Dad… Dad…” the foal said, this time building his voice gradually, “Dad, seriously?”

“What?” the father asked, shifting forward in his chair. He looked out to see his son pointing way over down the street to the right. Wright glanced over. He immediately dropped the newspaper and popped out of the seat.

“Is that… that… cotton candy…” his son muttered to nopony in particular. Both of them stared dumfounded as thick, pink smoke poured out of the side of an office complex. The material seemed to flow in and out of the walls— almost like a gigantic ghost was devouring half the building. In just a few seconds, this deep heat appeared inside the smoke. The air waved as the heat singed the brick walls.

Wright was reminded of the fancy restaurant he went to last Friday where the waiters used some kind of blowtorch to cook his dessert right on the plate. Only that wasn’t a dessert. It was a building filled with dozens and dozens of ponies. He stood up and began moving over.

“Dad, hang on a minute… Dad I just…” the foal stammered, “I just want you to thin—”

An enormous explosion brought both father and son to the ground. Wright immediately sprang back up. Half the building crumbled off of the side of the other half. The doctor thought about all of the ponies inside. He started to feel angry— really angry. “Stay here! Just— STAY HERE! Stay with Rainbow Rose!” he shouted back behind him as he trotted towards the disaster.

A dozen or so ponies had already congregated at the scene. Wright’s training kicked in within seconds, and he began barking orders. He sped from hunk of remains to hunk of remains, listening intently for victims. The other ponies helped him get eight of them back on their hooves. By some miracle, all of the survivors seemed little worse for wear. He knew he had to be on the safe side, though, and he shuffled them all towards a cart commandeered to head for the hospital. He mentally kicked himself at how far the hospital stood from them.

Then, he came upon the other victims. He cradled a bright white mare that had been slammed black and blue. The doctor shouted at the other helpers to help him carry her. He found another mare that was only barely conscious. He took a few steps and brushed up against tiny foal just a few feet away. He felt almost as if he couldn’t breathe at the sight of the foal and all the little streaks of blood going down her fluffy pink mane. The doctor cradled her in his front hooves and kissed her softly on the cheek.

He knew that this shouldn’t be happening. He just sensed that something had changed his very world— that something had happened that couldn’t be. It wasn’t just the worst thing he had ever seen. It was the worst thing he had ever heard about, ever.

Wright screamed out further orders. Over a dozen victims had been moved out of the rubble alive. The doctor forced the thought of petrified horse corpses out of his mind. He started moving deeper and deeper, calling upon more help. A pack of big, burly stallions lifted a wall of bricks. Wright let out a ‘Praise Celestia’ as he sent off two more colts with only minor injuries. He moved even deeper. He took a step, paused, and then did a double-take as he saw something pinky-brown sticking out under a broken window. He sped over. Somehow, at a second glance the appendage looked different.

Wright thought he saw the limb become transparent enough that he could even watch the rest of the rubble through it— a pinkish blob wrapped in a thin glowing outline. The doctor blinked his eyes. He then saw a round tube with a soft, very whitish purple color in front of him.

“Must be the nerves, must be the nerves,” Wright chanted to himself, hoping that the stress wasn’t making him totally lose his mind. He shoved the window to the side and grabbed the hoof. The doctor looked down at a large, tall stallion lying motionlessly on the ground. Yet something wasn’t right. Wright blinked again and surveyed the scene right front of him.

A hole about three feet deep shaped exactly like a five figure creature had been carved into the ground. The ground inside and right around the hole was soaking wet. A layer of what looked like frost coated the rubble all around the hole for several feet. Wright leaned over to inspect the stallion, and as he nudged the body a bit of smoke erupted right underneath it.

The doctor coughed and waved at the air. It smelled like some unholy mix of champagne and chemical dust that tingled all over his face. He smacked his head with his hooves to regain composure. He then examined the stallion. Something seemed very wrong. Wright cradled the stallion’s head, and he cried out, “No… no… no… This is not good. Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me. Please, please, just talk to me!” Wright felt all around the body’s face and neck— no heartbeat, no breathing, no nothing.

“Doctor, doctor!” cried out a short green filly as she ran to Wright, “The rest of us got the other survivors, we think. If there’s anypony else buried in there, the construction ponies ‘ll get ‘em.” The doctor ignored her as he pushed the stallion’s chest. Wright shoved again and again, and then he enveloped his mouth around the stallion’s chest. The body stirred slightly, letting out controlled breaths. A red film of blood splattered out onto Wright’s white jacket. The doctor curled his face as he tapped repeatedly against the stallion’s head. The filly just stood there, watching. “Doctor?”

“He’s in shock!” Wright declared, and he motioned the filly over. The two of them carried the stallion to another cart— by now almost totally filled. The doctor ambled up beside the stallion. His patient could barely breathe, let alone move. Wright was as sure of this as anything else in his entire life— he would make sure that stallion lived. He turned to the filly. “I’m not leaving him until we make it to the hospital. Now you’re in charge here. And don’t give up. Don’t stop combing the rubble. Don’t hold back. Do it!”

Wright saw the filly make a salute, and then she disappeared over the horizon. He kept himself focused on his patient. Wright held him close and managed to get his breathing into a regular pace, although he otherwise was completely out. The doctor’s instincts were going crazy. Something special was wrong with this colt. Wright knew it. The hospital popped up over the front horizon and ballooned into vision.

“I’m taking him in personally to operate,” Wright told the attending nurses as he bounced out of the cart. The rest of Equestria seemed like a blur around him. Ponies shuffled from room to room, many of them screaming. Wright suddenly found himself in a less occupied hallway. The nurses led him one quick ninety degree turn over through a bright blue door. The ponies all began putting on their surgical masks and other equipment.

Wright took a deep breath— still feeling like everything outside his head moved a mile a minute. He put a paternal hoof over the colt’s flowing dark purple mane. “It’ll be okay,” he muttered, “It’ll all be okay. I promise.” A nurse appeared beside him with a tray filled with potions.

Within just a few minutes, the doctor found that everything would not be going okay. “It’s not… it’s just…” a nurse beside him aimlessly muttered. Wright took his mask off and slammed his hooves on the floor tiles in pure frustration.

“It’s just like,” he said, speaking to the patient even though he knew he probably couldn’t hear a word, “It’s like… you’re not even a pony or something, on the inside. Pony on the outside but… It’s just… Like I’m operating on a dragon or something….” He rubbed the patient’s chest. “What is in there?” He gazed at the stallion’s frozen face. It had become so still, so soft, and so peaceful.

“So, so what now?” another nurse asked, “It’s like, well, the only think I can think of is that he’s like Discord in there, all of these parts mashed…”

“I don’t care—” Wright began, “If he’s the spawn of Discord himself. I’m trying everything— WE ARE trying EVERYTHING— until he wakes up again. Understood?” He tried to concentrate. He had never lost a patient. He came close once, very close. That patient that pulled out right in the nick of time just so happened to be his son. Wright looked at the patient and somehow it clicked. He saw the same spirit, the same determination, the same hope, and the same everything else buried in that frozen face.

The horses sped back and forth throughout the room. The patient slid easily into a gigantic white machine, and Wright noticed something drop from the patient’s suit pocket. The doctor snatched it from the ground— only taking a second to notice that it looked like some kind of fancy lapel. “You’ll get this back,” he declared, “Back when you’re awake. Not ‘if’ you’re awake. WHEN you’re awake.”

More running occurred. “Oh… oh Celestia help me,” a nurse remarked, holding up a sheet of results, “This poor thing isn’t only not a pony! He also happens to have a head popped like Swiss cheese!”

“More internal bleeding!” the doctor screamed. They kept working on the patient, but somehow everything either seemed to have no effect or made him stir in deeper pain. The colt suddenly let out a low moan. It built up, louder and louder.

“Nurse, you’ve got to help me or this might be his last headache!” Wright shouted. They grabbed the patient and wiped off his head as sweat began to pour from it. Wright ducked onto the hospital bed and knocked his hooves on in frustration. He immediately popped back up with his eyes opened wide. “Of course, use THAT!”

The doctor hurled himself over to a cabinet on the far right side. He flung the door open and waved his hoof around, looking. He snatched an ominous looking inky black vial and then sped back to his patient. He opened it, and he couldn’t believe the noxious smell. The doctor and his nurses emptied the peculiar magical cream all across the colt’s head. A mysterious trail of bluish sparks shot across his face.

“Oh, that got it!” the doctor yelled. The patient seemed to stir, and then calmed down immensely. Wright could just sense in his bones. He’d done it. The patient would be opening his eyes any second now. “Thank YOU, Zecora!”

A nurse began, “Well, that wasn’t as bad as—”

The world seemed to cave in on them at the sound of a gigantic eruption. Glass smashed. Boxes toppled off onto the floor. Items flew through the air. The lights blinkered on and off. Part of the wall beside them seemed to bend in and out. The nurses let out bloodcurdling screams. Wright clutched tightly to his patient.

“What was… was that… was that part of what you said, Doctor?” a nurse asked in a semi-daze. The horses got back up, but they immediately fell back as part of the floor seemed to crack beneth their feet.

“We’ve got to get out of here, now!” another nurse shouted, “And I said NOW! I mean NOW! Blast it!”

“I’m not—” Wright hollered back as the room seemed to be coming down on their very heads, “I’m not leaving him! I swear! I’m not! I’M NOT!”

A heavy metal something smashed onto Wright’s head, and he keeled over. The four nurses all grabbed his hooves and dragged him to out the door into the hallway. Their situation wasn’t much improved. The hallway roof seemed to be edging closer to them every second. A nurse reached over to fling back open the door into the operating room— where the patient remained.

“What— what— what— Praise Celestia!” she yelled as the door didn’t budge.

“That won’t do any good, it’s locked!” yelled back another nurse.

“It doesn’t lock from the outside, or the outside! It just locks!” screamed yet another nurse, “You need a code to get—” They heard a series of rumbles. They let out angry moans in frustration for a moment before grabbing Wright again. They ran out towards the exit to escape the hospital before it completely collapsed.

“Whoever thought of that SHOULD BE FIRED!” hollered the original nurse. They just made it in time before a pile of bricks caved in behind them. The four of them took deep breathes as they wandered out of their wing into the outdoors. Dozens of ponies sped into carts to transport them to another hospital. The three nurses hopped right on along with other patients. In just a few minutes, the area had been completely deserted.

The nurses explained everything to the skinny and short green colt that drove their cart. He replied, “Look, when we have time, we’ll go back for him. I really promise.”

The original nurse looked back to the remains of the hospital and held up her right hoof to her heart. She said, “Celestia… protect him.”

Back inside the hospital wing, the patient stirred. He began, slowly but surely, to wake back up. His mind, body, and soul seemed trapped in some kind of stasis. Everything in the universe felt like a pure, enveloping white light to him. He felt like he was the only creature in existence.

Then, he was able to feel something specific for once. It seemed almost as if he had floated down in a huge cloud of tiny bubbles, touching and tickling him all over. He tasted something light and fluffy— almost like cotton candy without the flavor. Then, he had the sensation of something slightly cold and slightly ticklish. A tiny shudder went through his body, and he felt a blanket rubbing all over him. He took a deep breath and sucked in the noxious chemical scents.

He felt his heart racing, and his subconscious mind racing. He sensed that his arms were right on top of his head. He opened his eyes again. He saw what seemed like a round tube with a soft, very whitish purple color in front of him. He shut his eyes again, and he felt the sensation of his glasses atop his face. He took another deep breath, gathered his strength, and then he tried to sit himself up.

Suddenly, he found himself thrown lying back down— this time on what seemed like cold, hard tile. He nudged himself gently backward, feeling a chill on his back. He then stared in front of him. He knew it was some kind of emergency room. He had been through this before just a few years ago. Yet everything seemed off, somehow. It wasn’t just that all of the equipment and machines had been torn to the ground.

He looked up. He saw nothing but a blank white ceiling— not a single fan or anything else. Were you expecting a wormhole? I guess that would have made sense. He looked back blankly at the flat couch-like thing that he had been sitting on. What happened?

He tried to stand up. He tumbled over on his back facing upwards like a turtle. He tried to move his arms and legs. Nothing seemed to happen. He knew something was wrong— very wrong. He shut his eyes tightly and then made a loud snarl. He opened them again, and he saw what had been his hands. They were now these round tubes with soft ends almost like oversized marshmallows. He had the sensation of moving around his fingers, but he saw the ends of these tubes bending slightly.

“These are… mine,” he squeaked out. He paused, and he noticed something about his voice had changed. “That’s— This is— Holy— I sound… I sound… Better! This is MY voice?” It was a moderate, subtle change. Yet somehow he heard himself with less of that flat, measured Walter Cronkite voice that he knew so well. He sounded more of the voice of an Americanized Paul McCartney.

“I… I am not… I’m not… I am…” he stammered. He also sounded somehow cuter, somehow higher-pitched. He looked back down. He saw those tubes— with their disturbingly alien colors of bright white mixed with light purple— obeying his every command. What the hell are these? Hooves or something?

“These can’t be my ARMS. These can’t be my hands,” he whimpered. He flipped himself left and right, but he remained stuck on his back. He made a loud whine.

He then scrunched forward, and he flipped himself hard straight backward. He suddenly found himself on all fours, with what used to be his hands and feet all on the ground. He stared straight down at the tile, and then he moved his head up. He spotted a small pool of water about twenty feet away filling up a corner of the room. An exploded water main, maybe? What is this? A war zone?

He ran towards it. Then, suddenly, he paused at the edge. “Hooves,” he said flatly, “I walk… I’ve walked… with… with… hooves… I’m on all fours with… my… HOOVES.”

He felt a deep, sinking feeling in his heart. He leaned toward the edge at the simmering water— feeling as though he could burst out crying at any moment. “I’m not going to like what I’m going to see,” he whispered.

The pool stirred for a moment— leaving the reflection a shimmering mess. Then, he saw himself. A huge clump of thick, curly hair colored a purplish black sat atop a face with a pair of big, purple eyes and a round snout. Small black eyeglasses rested on the nose. A large set of ears drooped over the sides of the mane. The face also had a prominent chin and a wide mouth with a rather dejected expression on it. The skin had a soft, very whitish purple color as if the pony was a great big lavender rose.

“Pony… pony… pony…” he stammered as he leaned a little bit closer to the water. The reflection showed a pony with a flamboyant bouffant hairstyle as well as matching thick chest hair that stuck out of a very smart and very sharp looking creamy white tuxedo with matching side pockets. The pony also wore a jet black undershirt and creamy white pants with a matching creamy white belt. The pony carried nothing except for— no wait, he had nothing. He sensed that his lapel was gone. The lapel— made of a banner of gold with a very reflective gem inside that was shaped and colored like a raspberry— seemed to be the last thing he could remember. He had held it in his hands. Hands… I don’t have hands anymore... The pony in the water seemed to glare at him.

“I see you… and that’s you,” he said to the reflection. He saw the reflection say the same thing back to him. “And that can’t be me. It can’t be. No way. It just can’t be.”

He jumped up in the air and landed in the water, with his hooves about three inches in. He went on, “It can’t be.” He splashed around. “It can’t be. No way, no how. It can’t. It can’t be.”

“IT CANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN’T!” he screamed, bucking up on his hind legs. He looked down and saw the rest of his body. His hind hooves twisted frantically in the air. He flung his head back up at the ceiling, and then he shouted with all of might. He screamed mindlessly until he felt as if he was tearing his lungs out.

He jumped out of the pool back onto the tile. He shook his head violently, and then his whole body shuddered. He bent down and began digging into a clump of broken tiles until he reached dirt. He hopped up and down again and again while squealing and moaning.

He suddenly stopped, and then sat himself down. Tears dripped across his face. His glasses were nowhere in sight. He twisted his head about— looking at the blurry blobs of everything— and then smashed his head against the floor. He shut his eyes tightly and panted. That’s it. That’s just it. I can… and I am… I’m a… one of those. I’m done for.

He reached down between his legs and flailed his hooves around. He felt nothing. NOTHING? There’s nothing down there? This can’t be happening! Please! This is worse than my worst nightmare! At least then when the zombies or ghosts or demons or anyone else came for me I still had my damn manhood! He went to reach to pull his pants down, but then he stopped. No, no, no… just leave it ambiguous. Just pretend it’s there. It’s like Schrodinger’s Cat. If you don’t check, then it’s kind of really there. Kind of.

He pressed his hooves against his stomach, and then his chest. What do I eat? What do I drink? How do I even go to the bathroom? What am I even breathing right now? How do I breathe? He rubbed his hooves against his chest. I… I don’t have a place to live here. No house here. No job here. No family here. No, nothing… So, I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I don’t know anything. I might as well be dead. This is… worse than death. He groped on his chest where his lapel had been. I don’t even have that anymore. Back when I was wrapping it up for… Mom. Oh, no, MOM! What would… how would…

“Mom,” he moaned, patting his head over and over again, “I’ll never give that to you. I’ll never see your face again. I’ll never see my brothers’ faces’ again.” He took a deep breath, and then he tried to steel himself.

He opened his eyes again. He started at the layer of clunky boxes at the edge of the pool. He slowly got back up and began walking back over. He suddenly heard a soft clicking sound, and he lifted up his right hoof. He spotted his glasses, fortunately no worse for wear. Before he knew it, they flung themselves upwards back up to his face.

Wait, what? Did that just move without me even touching it? Of course not! I’m just losing it, I guess. He frowned at having to look through a layer of wet film over the lenses. Suddenly, the glasses moved off his face, and wandered through the air. He glanced down, and he saw his glasses— now coated in some odd purple aura— rubbing itself upon his suit.

“Oh… my… God…” he said, “Is this… magic?” The glasses abruptly plopped back onto the floor.

“I just have to think it and it happens?” he asked himself. He stared down at it, and then he closed his right eye. He grunted as he tried to concentrate. The glasses, sure enough, floated upwards and then nestled itself onto his face.

“Oh, my,” he said, “Oh… wow… I just…” He put his hooves to his head and spun his head all around. He stood in a pile of items scattered on the floor— with lots and lots of things that he could possibly try magic on. He looked back over at the edge of the pool. He noticed a particularly huge hunk of tile.

“Well, hello there,” he said. He flung out his right hoof in that direction. A purple aura enveloped the huge chunk, and it shot up about three feet into the air.

“YES!” he shouted, “Oh yeah, I’m cool. I’m bad.” He bucked back onto his hind legs, closed his eyes, and rotated his hips while circling his hoofs— as the tile flew through the air straight at him. “Oh, yeah. I’m cool. I’m magic, BAB—”

*TWACK* He let off a ‘honk’ after the tile smacked him upside the head. He keeled over. Minute after minute went by as he lay out cold.

“We-he-he-ell, partner,” said a voice, “Looks like you had some kind of nasty stumble there, didn’tcha?”

“I guess I did… I mean, I don’t know the first thing about this place. About what I am. About what I’m doing here,” he moaned. He tried to get up and open his eyes. Yet something stopped him. Something odd was happening. He left as if some invisible force or energy coursed through his body, immobilizing him. It didn’t feel restrictive to him at all, though. It actually felt almost protecting and caring— like the close cradle of a parent.

“Why, we always know where we’re meant to be, partner. And what we’re meant to do. You always feel that feelin’ deep inside as instinct at least, whether you want to admit it or not,” the voice went on.

“Okay…” he replied, remaining still with his eyes shut. What the hell is happening here?

“And instinct, why it’s almost like an IMPRINT, ain’t it? Only you imprint your OWN damn self, oftentimes. And that’s good, since after all— who wants to spend their life bound up by just what they’re told? I sure as hell don’t!” the voice said, “And I know you do too, partner. You think for yourself. You have some good taste in life— particularly in food and in music as well as in where you want to go. I see you love everything to do with raspberries.”

“Oh yeah, I love them, everything about them,” he said, “I love the band. I’ve got their cd right there in my backpack. I love the fruit. I love the taste and the shape and the color and… everything…” Why the hell am I staying face first on the ground right now?

“We-he-he-ell, partner,” said the voice, “I know you do. Where you go, you go well dressed. And you know you’re definitely the smartest one in the room. You’re destined for somethin’, somethin’ BIG… You feel that imprint inside of you, that instinct, right Mister Raspberry?”

“Yes,” he answered. He just felt that voice pouring into his ears, going down through his veins, and flooding straight into his heart. He felt so warm. He felt like he just had to agree with what that voice told him. He seemed so loved, and he had this overwhelming desire to be ready to obey. “I know… ”

“Need a hoof, Raspberry?” the voice said.

Raspberry opened his eyes, and he jumped back upwards. Yet he didn’t see anyone near him. He surveyed the room, nothing. How… the hell… was I touched without being… touched? He then noticed a shade moving about in the door window in front of him. Raspberry sped over and jiggled the knob. Nothing happened. He yelled, “It’s locked on my side!”

“It’s locked on my side too, partner,” the voice said from behind the door, “Just listen.” Raspberry heard clicking to no avail.

“Oh, please, sir, please,” Raspberry squeaked out, and he threw himself at the door in frustration, “Help me get out. Rescue me, please. Save me.”

“Savior?” the voice repeated with a bit of a surprised edge.

“I’ll do… whatever you want…” Raspberry hollered.

“Oh, it ain’t what I want, not really,” the voice replied with a chuckle, “It’s what you want. Or I should say, what you’re going to have soon enough.”

The door suddenly seemed to slide sideways, almost off of its hinges. Raspberry was knocked back onto the floor. The door didn’t even seem to have hinges anymore when Raspberry glanced over. He spotted something, and he grabbed the dark gray hoof in front of him. Raspberry stood back upright.

The colt before him seemed like the combination of a cowboy, a preacher, and a metalhead biker. The colt wore a Stetson hat with notched silver studs, huge, totally-reflective aviator glasses, and a tight fitting vest with a flowing robe-like undershirt coated in little chains. The boots in particular looked as if they had been just nabbed off of a Nazi officer. Everything was either in a strong jet black or a stark gray. The only exception was the colt’s unicorn horn, which looked as if it had been made from pure marble and shimmered in the light.

Chapter One Part Four

“Goodbye Raspberry,” Rarity said with a tender smile, and she returned to her meal. Raspberry walked back over to his table. Well, okay. She’s… she’s the one. One of the ones. One of the six. I know I didn’t get freaking shocked from touching any other pony. But, I mean, the cowpony couldn’t have been right. My heart kind of… tells me he was right. But… no. Seriously. ‘Kill or be killed’? It felt weird but it didn’t feel ‘bad’.

I mean didn’t try to murder the freaking toaster when it static-ed me yesterday. Geez. I think the cowpony was just full of it. He heard this soft but odd sound— something like the clicking of a Snapple cap over and over again. He swung his head around. He didn’t see a thing. The traffic had died down a bit on the middle of the street. He felt pretty alone. Still, that ‘click click click’ kept going and going. Then, he leaned over.

The umbrella— pinned down on the side by his backpack— bobbed gently up and down. What the hell… The umbrella seemed to nudge itself inch by inch to the side as if it was escaping from beneath the backpack. Raspberry extended his right hoof, hesitated, and then gave the backpack a hard shove.

The umbrella shuddered side to side. Suddenly, small white nubs appeared along the middle of its shaft. Two little white tubes jutted out of the bottom of the shaft.

“Oh… my…” Raspberry said. The nubs popped out, making a sound like bubble wrap being popped. The umbrella wiggled its newly grown two little arms and stretched its three fingered hands. Its two little feet kicked helplessly against the ground.

“Ummmm… hi…” Raspberry said, “Welcome to the pony universe.”

The umbrella shoved its feet and hands onto the ground, and then it abruptly flung itself up. It stood up just like a person, pointing its hands now directly at Raspberry.

“So, I guess,” Raspberry muttered. His mind felt totally blank. “You just… got here the same way I did. But… I guess… it was my power or something… bringing you here?” It makes no sense. But I swear that’s what I felt. Like twice now, I know I’ve been used like some sieve. It was almost like I was being raped through my head the first time… but it was so gently this last time…

The umbrella jiggled its hands in place, and then it waved them side to side as if he was dancing ‘the monkey’. Raspberry tapped his hooves on his head. I guess that means… a qualified yes. He heard a ‘meep’ noise.

“So can I—” Raspberry began.

The umbrella bounced in the air, and then it turned around. It sped off down the street.

“HEY!” Raspberry screamed, and he chased after it with Raspberry’s backpack bumping up and down on his side. He jumped onto the curb. “You’re— not supposed to be— you’re supposed to be like— like— shading people and stuff!”

The umbrella bounced and skipped up Market Street, weaving through the thickening crowd of ponies. Raspberry followed just about four steps behind. He bumped horse after horse, and then ducked under a tall filly’s legs— all the while repeating a “Excuse me! Pardon me! Coming through!”

He shimmied through two fat looking mares and then got spun around in a bit of a tizzy. He was bumped over rightward by a fancy dresses huge gray colt, and then knocked over the left by these two young greyish-blue fillies holding hands. He popped back on his hooves, and then he spotted out of the corner of his right eye the umbrella ducking down an alleyway.

He sped over diagonally from the left side of the street to the right—jumping over two little green colts playing hopscotch and over what looked like a spilt bag of oranges. He had built up a lot of speed. An old reddish-brown mare wandered out right in front him. He hopped over to the left and his left side hooves landed in a little filly-sized shopping cart.

With his right side hooves up in the air and his left side hooves buried in bags of knickknacks, he tried to swerve the middle of his body a bit. He dodged the front of the bakery by a few inches and veered off down the alleyway. The cart bucked up and down as it went from the cobblestones to the concrete, throwing its contents overboard.

Raspberry bumped several feet in the air, and he landed on the dead end of the alley. His bottom hooves were propped up against the wall. His head, upper hooves, and body were piled up on a bunch of black trash bags that had saved him from smacking against the concrete.

“Ow,” he said flatly. He lied still for a moment, and then suddenly a ‘meep meep’ noise appeared. He curled up, but then fell flat down. He flailed his front hooves helplessly in the air. He heard an even louder ‘meep’. Raspberry braced his bottom hooves against the wall, and pushed hard. He slid backward into the garbage, and then he swung himself to the side. He ambled up until he was standing straight atop the bags.

The alleyway was a dull cut-out beside Market Street that looked to be about twenty feet wide and sixty feet long. Like everything else in Coltsville, it seemed way cleaner than any Chicago equivalent that Raspberry had ever seen. The parade of shoppers on Market Street went on, oblivious to Raspberry. He turned around to the dead end wall beside him. No umbrella… not anywhere…

He stepped out of the trash and started to head back over to the Main Street. He took about two steps before hearing another, quitter ‘meep’. He paused, and then he glanced in all directions. He heard a frenetic sounding ‘meep meep meep meep MEEP’. Raspberry walked to the opening of the large, dark drain in the curb at the end of the alley. He heard some kind of rustling.

Raspberry leaned down with his front hooves flat against the concrete, and he stared into the slit of inky blackness. The drain’s opening looked to be about four feet wide and a foot tall, and he had no idea how deep it went. He heard yet another ‘meep’ from down inside.

“Hey, little guy,” he said, teasing his voice to sound as McCartney-esque as possible, “You know I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to do anything to you. I just want to talk about how we both got here."

He detected a long ‘meeeeeeeeeeep’ with a raised tone at the end. Raspberry thought that it sounded almost like the whimpering of an abused dog. He noticed some kind of a faint ticking noise.

“Look, buddy,” said Raspberry, “I mean… I brought you here. Didn’t I? I kind of gave 'birth' to you, and that makes you like a 'son'. Just like your friend with the… the… socks…” Oh dammit, it just sounds so stupid…

Raspberry heard nothing but silence. Then, some kind of hard metallic clang sounded from down within the drain. He heard a rapid ‘meep meep meep’. A slam occurred like a front door being shut, and then a loud ratcheting like the ticking of a gigantic grandfather clock started up.

“Aren’t we all friends here?” Asked Raspberry. The ratcheting sound went on as Raspberry leaned in as deep as possible without his head falling in, “I guess we’re all in the same boa—”

The ground rocked beneath his hooves. Half of the street that he was standing on suddenly flipped downward at a ninety degree angle. He flipped in a sort of semi-cartwheel, and then he found himself flat on his back falling into the drain— now ten times its former size. He fell about halfway into the moist darkness before twisting around, facing out. He kept sliding down until only his front hooves remained free.

Raspberry scraped his hooves helplessly against the ground. He screamed indescribably. He scrunched the ends of his hooves against the smooth concrete. He kicked and kicked his bottom hooves, feeling them hovering in pure nothingness.

“No! Damn it, no!” he yelled, slipping down into the drain further, “NO! I really— really— miss having some— goddamn— FINGERS!”

A whoosh of moist, cold air shot up from underneath him. He coughed and he lost his grip on the alleyway ground entirely. He slid right down in the drain. He flung about his hooves, gripping or feeling nothing, and descended down until he couldn’t see light anymore. He felt himself being flipped around so that he faced down headfirst. The ratcheting noise came back. It bombarded him from all sides now.

Raspberry suddenly stopped. He couldn’t see a single thing. He seemed to be facing some kind of pony-sized funnel up ahead. His back hooves were spread eagle against the walls, which felt freezing cold and wet. What hell is this?! A giant escape hatch I feel into or something? Please don’t tell me that was to escape dragons! Oh God, just… oh God… I’m stuck here. I’ll die here. Up ahead, a loud ‘meep’ sounded.

“You did it, you BITCH!” Raspberry screeched. The umbrella squeaked in reply. Raspberry’s back hooves strained to hold him still, but then he slipped. He slid down further.

Raspberry then found himself in what seemed like an L-shaped pipe, with his back hooves facing up and his front hooves shoved somewhere that lead either left or right. He breathed hard in and out, in and out, in and out, and so on again and again. He felt as if his brains were melting.

No… No… No… NO! NO! NO! I can’t die here! I can’t be stuck here! Anywhere but here! His flesh seemed to be curling up like a raisin. It felt the walls themselves— coated with something so moist yet also so sticky— poking and prodding him as if he was about to be raped.

He shuddered, kicking the walls hard. He found himself knocked down. He scrambled himself into a crawling position. A rustle seeped through several feet ahead.

“Oh, I’m COMING for you, you little BITCH!” Raspberry yelled, and then he ambled through the space. He seemed to move straight sideways, then upwards, and then sideways again. He detected more ‘meep’ noises far up ahead.

“You’d better run!” he screamed, and then he scurried through at a faster pace. He felt himself moving more and more at an upward angle. He noticed muffled voices and hooves clopping. In just a moment, Raspberry faced straight up. He still couldn’t see a thing, but the commotion up ahead seemed louder and louder. He halted. Then, he heard a distinctive repeating ‘meep’.

He wiggled upwards, and then came across what felt like a metal filter. It felt a bit like a fishing net, and it seemed comfortably warm. He detected the smell of something sweet. He pushed up. The filter shook and twisted up as well. The voices had gotten much louder. He took a deep breath, which tasted so sweet that his teeth almost hurt. Then, he smashed forward his left hoof. He heard a huge bang, saw pure light, and kicked his back hooves to jump out free.

“YES!” he hollered, and he took a deep breath while extending his front and back hooves in a victory stance. He couldn’t see anything except a sweeping, bathing white light everywhere.

“Okay, okay, okay, okay,” he said to himself. The room quickly came too. He saw four ponies— three older looking light gray colts and a younger dark blue filly— all dressed in white aprons and short white bowler hats staring at him. Cabinets adorned the light blue and light pink striped walls. A few spatulas and large pools with purple auras hovered around. Row after row of bright, sparkly clean ovens stretched beside him.

Raspberry went back on his four hooves. He glanced down at his front hooves. He nudged a chunk of floor beside him back to the now gaping hole using his magic. He turned his head up and back to look over himself. A bit wet, but oh thank goodness not worse for wear… I don’t even have a freaking spot of dirt or anything on my tux!

The younger filly put down the bowl in her hands onto the floor and stepped over to him. “Uh… hi…” she said, “Welcome… to Mr. Spoons.”

“It’s…” Raspberry replied, “It’s wonderful. Pleasure to be here.” He rubbed his head with his right hoof. Two of the colts had gone right back to their kitchen work. The other had walked up behind Raspberry. That colt reached its left hoof out slowly, and then poked Raspberry flank. It seemed like it was to check if he was real.

Raspberry noticed a sign reading ‘Serving Room A’ behind the filly, and he strolled over to it. Just act natural… just act casual… I go spelunking in city sewers all the time. I’m sure I burned like 2,000 calories. At least! He tried to keep up a smirk. Raspberry tapped the door a bit open, and then he looked back at the ponies. They had all gone totally back to business except for the one colt. He simply sat in place with his head facing upwards and a totally glazed over expression.

Raspberry stepped into the other room. That first serving room featured a plethora of cakes, cookies, bars, cupcakes, scones, and anything else he could dream of. Table after table and booth after booth haphazardly littered the room, all displaying a wide collection of multi-colored treats.

Raspberry spotted an unmarked door on the other side of the room in front of him as well as another door to his far left labeled ‘Administration’. Beside him, he noticed another sign reading ‘Gentlecolts must maintain proper hygiene’ and a rack of bright white washcloths on top of a cabinet. He picked up about five of them with his magic, and then he rubbed them all over. Face, chest, hooves, back, oh my… that feels really freaking good…

Raspberry inspected himself and smiled at how his suit and label still looked perfect. He stepped through the room, gazing all around him. He took a very deep breath, and his mouth watered profusely. He spied something magical in particular out of the corner of his right eye. He sped over and braced himself against the side of the table. The three layer cake had been cut into thirds. Inside, the caramel frosting couldn’t help but ooze out. Each layer featured alternating chocolate and white chocolate chunks mashed together and saturated with blue sprinkles.

“What’s a sexy, delectable little angel like yourself doing in a place like this?” he whispered, and his body quivered in anticipation. He almost felt tingly down his pants, and his stomach seemed to roar.

He paused, and then he looked from side to side. I have zero bits here… but come on, with everything here already— so much stock, and so much inventory… they should have absolutely no problem with letting me have just a little… He reached out and took the glass case off. He squinted and tried to concentrate. A piece became enveloped in a purple aura and then moved towards him. He rested it gently on his right hoof, and he took in a good scent.

*Splat* Raspberry paused, and then he glanced left and right. He looked back over to the other rows of tables. He saw absolutely nothing. Raspberry shrugged.

*Splat* He surveyed all of the various items around him, and then he spun himself back. He seemed to be completely alone. He peeked down under the table behind him, but again… nothing.

*Splat* He turned back around. He stared at the floor. He noticed two cupcakes resting face down on the floor about a foot to his right. Another cupcake had been smashed on the floor a few inches to his left. Raspberry leaned over and took a breath.

“Hmmm... coconut,” he said.

*Splat* A cupcake plopped out of nowhere right in front of him. Raspberry bucked his legs back. He flung his head up.

The umbrella hung from the still ceiling fan with one hand. It had a cupcake in the other. The umbrella hurled it at Raspberry, who sidestepped to the right.

“YOU!” Raspberry screamed, and he ran off to the end of the room. A trail of cupcakes splattered on the ground behind him. Raspberry braced himself at the wall, looked over to his left, and then smacked the light-switch.

The umbrella squeaked repeatedly, trying to hang on to the spinning fan. Yet after only about four seconds, it tumbled off and fell down on its back onto a pile of white scones on the table below. Raspberry sped over.

The umbrella popped up on its feet, and then it produced a tray with about a dozen cupcakes from behind it. It grabbed a huge chocolate cupcake and threw it straight at Raspberry. The baked good whisked past Raspberry’s right shoulder— splattering a bit of frosting upon his suit.

“NO! Not the suit!” he yelled, and he leaned over to lick off the frosting. He also tied rubbing it off with his hooves, “Not my precious suit! Anything but the suit! Hit me in the face, anything, please!”

A cupcake smashed Raspberry on the temple. He wobbled his head and it fell off of him. “I brought that upon myself,” he said flatly, and he jiggled his head.

The umbrella squeaked and prepared to throw some more. Raspberry ducked down. He spotted an empty silver tray on the floor to his right, and then he popped up in front of him. He shielded himself from three cupcakes. The fourth blew the tray right off of his hooves with a big clang.

Raspberry made an ‘eep’. The umbrella waved its arms. It seemed to be out of ammo for the moment. Raspberry glanced left and right, and then he sized a huge tray of buttered scones, dipped in chocolate.

“Eat it!” he screamed, tossing scone after scone at the umbrella. It sustained a few hits, but then the fifth scone knocked it flat over on the table.

“YES, special delivery bitch!” Raspberry yelled. The umbrella popped back upwards in just a few seconds, holding another big tray of cupcakes in its right hand.

“Dammit,” Raspberry muttered. He ducked under the table to his left. A row of cupcakes splattered on the floor behind him. He jumped out of the other side, and then ducked beneath another row of tables.

He heard a sputtering ‘meep meep meep’. Raspberry glanced back, and he saw a giant strawberry cake smash on the ground behind him. Raspberry began to feel incredibly angry. He flung himself upward, knocking over the table. He made a guttural scream, and then he turned to the other tables behind him with tray after tray of chocolate cupcakes.

“Eat! This! You! Bitch!” yelled Raspberry, hurling a cupcake at each word. Two of the four were right on target. The umbrella made a soft whine. Raspberry seized another tray, and then tossed a bunch more cupcakes.

The umbrella had quickly recovered, and then it began throwing back whatever it could get its hands on. Scones, cupcakes, globs of cake, brownies, and other things flew towards Raspberry. He ducked successful at every one. The food fight went on, with Raspberry losing track of time. Before too long, the umbrella took a direct hit to its right hand, and then it fell back off of the table.

“Ho-HO!” cooed Raspberry, and he waved his hooves in the air in victory, “Oh yeah! Go Raspberry! Who’s the tangy pony with the genius mind? RASPBERRY! Oooooh!”

Raspberry heard an ‘ahem’, and then he spun around. In front of Raspberry stood the younger filly from before as well as a large orange colt with a flowing white apron and matching white chef’s hat. The colt had a name tag with ‘Mr. Spoon’ on his right lapel, a rolling pin seized in his front hooves, and a face scrunched in pure, blinding hate.

“You,” Mr. Spoon calmy said, “Shouldn’t. Have.”

“YOU shouldn’t have had me kidnapped in the floor beneath your kitchen, good sir!” Raspberry hollered, and he made a Phoenix Wright pose as he pointed his right hoof at Mr. Spoon. The younger filly’s blank expression turned into a huge frown with eyes almost tearing, and she looked at Mr. Spoon.

“Tell me it’s—” she began. As Mr. Spoon looked back at her blankly, she began freaking out. She panted, she waved his front hooves about aimlessly in the air, and then he tore off her apron.

“Oh, I am like SO out of here!” she squealed as she ran for the door marked ‘Administration’. Mr. Spoon muttered in protest and followed her over, which only seemed to freak her out even more. She reached the door first, slammed it, and then locked it with a loud click.

Mr. Spoon tapped on the door, paused, and then sped around back to where Raspberry had been standing. Nothing was there. He scanned the room, and then he spotted the unmarked door shutting.

Raspberry stood outside, holding a huge piece of the alternating chocolate and white chocolate cake. He breathed in and out frantically for a moment. He glanced around, seeing that he was in some kind of deserted alleyway without a clear entrance or exit. He heard a rustling from behind him.

Raspberry saw another door a few feet down to his right open up. A tall gray colt leaned out of that doorway and threw something onto the ground. Raspberry ambled over and then popped through right after the colt. He found himself in a very dim room. He backed up to the door behind him, and then he braced it shut with his back. He held himself still.

Raspberry couldn’t see much of anything except for the gray colt eyeing him. Raspberry waved his right hoof and said, “Hi!” He noticed something he hadn’t before. The gray colt had a large mark on his flank with what looked like a dark blue necklace.

“Hi,” the colt replied, still looking at Raspberry.

“I… I like your mark there,” Raspberry said, “It’s pretty beautiful.”

“Hey, thanks!” responded the colt, its voice losing the suspicious tone, “You know, Miss Rarity just told me she thought it looks pretty nice as well. It clearly reminds her of her own one.”

“Rarity, yes, excellent,” Raspberry said. He scooted himself a few feet from the door, and then he eyed the delicious looking cake in front of him. He smashed his face into it. He slurped, licked, and bit all over. In just a moment, only a few bits of frosting were left. He licked his hooves, rubbed his face, and then licked his hooves again. Ooooh, that felt good. Raspberry then got back on all four hooves.

The colt watched him, with a bit of disgust in the colt’s face. Raspberry rubbed the side of his hair. He muttered, “Okay, a bit messy… that…”

“So…” began the colt.

“So then!” Raspberry answered assertively. He stepped forward beside the colt. “Let’s turn those lights on now, shall we?”

The colt turned around, giving Raspberry a good look of his other flank. Raspberry spotted an identical mark. Hmm… interesting… The colt flicked a switch on the wall. Raspberry surveyed the room, seeing stacks up stacks of shelves on the wall. They contained folders, boxes, envelopes, and some other things he couldn’t quite make out.

“Since I’ve accidentally came in from the wrong entrance, then can you bring me to the storefront good sir?” Raspberry asked. The colt smiled, and then waved him over to another door. Raspberry stepped out, and the two of them were standing in a cramped, blank corridor. The colt opened another door Raspberry didn’t see.

Suddenly, the two of them found themselves in the midst of cabinet after cabinet of jewelry. Aside from the old gray mare at the edge of the room gazing at necklaces and the young looking red colt at a register station, everything looked exactly like a Zales or Jared store. YES! YES! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS! Jewelry store! They’ll know what to do to help me get my gem back. Raspberry stepped out into the center of the store, and then he heard the door behind him. He glanced back and saw the gray colt giving a friendly wave before heading out.

Raspberry looked again at the necklace markings on his flanks. So familiar, so… Wait! Raspberry’s mind flashed back to his meeting with Rarity. She had had similar markings, with blue gems on her flanks. Raspberry paused, and then he thought about the rest of the ponies that he had met.

“It’s been an eventful afternoon,” he murmured. He realized that many of them had had some kind of similar markings, although he didn’t pay much attention to that before. It has to be the clothes. Of course, it’s harder to notice on them while they’re wearing something. It has to be important. It’s something to do with pony lives and pony society, I know it.

“Hello!” said the red colt. Raspberry looked over, and then he stepped in front of the counter. The colt had a flamboyant looking darker red mane and a nametag saying ‘Sparks’ on his plain white shirt. Raspberry shifted his head over right to spy at Spark’s flank. The colt’s flank had three pinkish-yellow lightning bolts shooting upwards.

“Hey, ya,” said Sparks in somewhat of a giggling voice, “I know what you’re thinking. THAT cutie mark and THIS job? It’s actually a funny story of how I found this store. Long though. And hardly believable.”

“It often is the longest and least believable stories that are the truest,” Raspberry said.

“I see you’re a friend of Miss Rarity,” Sparks replied, “Well then, I’ll be sure to do my utmost to help you. However I can.”

“Can I ask... something?” Raspberry began.

“Anything!” Sparks replied.

“Where, when, and how did you get that mark?” Raspberry asked, “The ‘cutie mark’ you said…”

“Oh, I honestly don’t remember much of that at all,” said Sparks, scuffing his thick hair with his left hoof, “I was… on a boat I think… yes, on a boat. And lightning struck. And then… there were… some things… happening. Wow, I can’t really remember a thing, to be honest.” The colt chuckled.

“It’s… okay...” Raspberry said.

“I mean,” went on Sparks, “I do clearly and distinctly recall the actual moment. You know, I was bathed in blue. The light was all around me. My mind was going ‘Bang! Pow! Wizz!’” The colt punched the air. “And then, of course, I looked over, and I had found my talent. I got my cutie mark. I had my life plotted out in front of me for what I could do, and could offer.”

“Interesting,” muttered Raspberry.

“Of course,” Sparks said, making a sly face with his eyes curling, “I was never one to take that thing too seriously. Like my old grandmare told me. You make your own destiny. The mark is just a guideline. It’s nothing more serious than a sign pointing left, when you may need to hang out with the ponies over to the right. That’s what she kept saying to me.”

“Oh,” Raspberry said.

“But I’m ranting, silly me,” said Sparks, and then he leaned over the counter towards Raspberry, “How may I help you?”

“I’m looking for a gem!” he replied.

“Splendid!” Sparks said, rubbing his front hooves together in anticipation. “So, what color?”

“I…” Raspberry began, and he stared down the ground. Can I remember? I can’t remember. What the hell can I remember? I know who I am. Where I grew up, the university, gradation, going for my Master’s Degree, job hunting, getting started at Icontech, statistical modeling of production… And then there was… the explosion. But I had survived that. I wasn’t even supposed to be there… somehow, I guess... Then, I found it. I had it. I had it in my freaking hand. But what the hell was it?

“Sir, everything okay?” Sparks inquired.

“I don’t know the color,” Raspberry said. Damn it, now, remember!

“Okay, what about the size?” asked Sparks.

“Dunno,” Raspberry said, scratching the back of his neck.

“What shape does it have?” asked Sparks.

“No idea,” said Raspberry.

“How much does it usually go for?” Sparks asked.

“Beats me!” Raspberry replied.

“Where do people get it or find it, typically?” asked Sparks.

“That’s what I was going to ask you!” Raspberry yelled. The two of them eyed each other for several seconds, neither saying a word. Sparks leaned backwards and took a breath.

“Well…” Sparks muttered.

“I, I know it’s not much to go on,” Raspberry said.

“It’s literally nothing to go on,” replied Sparks, and then he glanced down at the variety of trinkets under the counter in front of him.

“Wait… just, wait,” Raspberry began, and he held his head with both hooves. He closed his eyes. “It’s small. It’s sized in a way that you can fit it into an amulet. And it was put into one. It’s bigger than what you’d put in a locket or something else. It’s reflective. It looks very valuable from the first glance.”

“Okay, then…” Sparks said flatly.

“And,” Raspberry went on, “It’s clearly beautiful. It looks exactly what you’d think given its power. And its power is massive. It will only really work, or at least work well, for the certain people. Ponies. Whatever. But when it works, it’s spectacular. The gem opens up the entire world. No wait, it goes even farther into another universe.”

“Universe,” repeated Sparks.

Raspberry opened his eyes, and then he leaned over the counter just a few inches from Sparks’ face. Raspberry said, “It’s power is legendary. You’ll notice it without thinking, just by sensing it or instinct. Do you know about this gem?”

“I don’t,” Sparks replied, and he fumbled for words, “Look, I believe you. I really do. There’s no chance you’re not telling the truth. I can see it in your eyes.”

Raspberry sat down on the floor. He opened his mouth to say something, but then he closed it again.

“If that’s what you need, then you’ll never find it in a place like this,” Sparks said, and he motioned around the store with his front hooves, “You need to talk to a historian. A librarian. Something who studies things for a living.”

“Could they know in another store?” asked Raspberry. “Or any place to do with gems, with jewels…”

Sparks shook his head, and he motioned around again. He said, “No place is going to be able to help you in the slightest. You have to talk to some pony that knows history and legends… that sort of thing.”

“Could they know something in, let me see, Canterlot?” asked Raspberry, and he strained to remember what else he had been told, “Manehatten? Ponyville?”

“Everypony in Canterlot is a grade-A moron,” Sparks replied, clenching his jaw. He paused, and then he went on, “Well, that’s not really true. I mean, I guess it clearly is if you’re trying to learn something. You’ll find PLENTY of nice ponies and a LOT of fun things to do. But, praise Celestia, if you’re in need of help— and especially if you need intellectual assistance of any kind— GOOD LUCK! I’ve never been to a more vapid and inwardly focused place in my entire life.”

“Oh, okay,” Raspberry said.

“Manehatten, that’s a good question,” Sparks said, and he seemed to roll his eyes back in remembrance, “I know there are a lot of really intellectual ponies there. Some history buffs to be sure, and then some… But still, no. It doesn’t seem right. It’s too big of a place that will get you too lost. And I think they’d also be clearly affected by all of these recent events. They have the glaring royal spotlight on them far more than we do here in Coltsville, or so I hear…”

“Ponyville?” asked Raspberry.

“I’m drawling a total and complete blank,” Sparks responded, shrugging.

“Look, Sparks,” Raspberry began, “Is there some kind of Yellow Pages I can use? Some kind of city hall database registry. A college with a rare books library?” Sparks shook his head at each sentence. “Is there a pony version of Google?”

Sparks tapped his face with his right hoof, “A goo… goo… gulls? Goo-gull?”

Raspberry picked himself up, and he began to head out of the store. Well, that’s just freaking PERFECT! I can’t get any help from anyone at all. Oh sure, it’s my fault for sure for not remembering crap. But still, then, there’s got to be some way I can look up all this. He poked open the front door.

“Hey!” yelled Sparks, “Just a moment!” Raspberry turned around and stepped back, with Sparks going on, “I really want to help you. And I would be able to help you. Because Coltsville SHOULD be the place where you’d most likely find anything you needed to know about history and legends for gems.”

“If it should, then… why not?” Raspberry asked.

“That’s the thing!” hollered Sparks, “There’s been this ‘Knowledge Lockdown’ these past two days. Those are the two exact words Blackberry June told me, by the way. Knowledge. Lockdown. That’s the official terminology coming out of Canterlot.”

“A lockdown?” Raspberry muttered, “What the hell is this, Putin’s Russia? Mubarak’s Egypt?”

“And it’s only— ONLY— been yesterday and today!” Sparks said, “If you had seriously come up to me saying the exact same thing two days ago, I guarantee I could have pointed you to the Flutter’s Rainbow Club. You’d have talked to two or three dragons, and there’s a good fifty percent chance at least one of them would know the gem lore you’ve been talking about.”

“And Coltsville was like that?” asked Raspberry, “Dragons everywhere?”

“It totally was!” remarked Sparks, “One dragon for every four ponies— depending on where you were of course— but still, yeah! But now they’ve just… just… gone. Gone! They’ve packed their bags and left. Goodness knows where they went.”

“And you don’ t get gem lore from anyone else? Any ponies?” Raspberry asked.

“That is,” replied Sparks, and he narrowed his eyes while lowering his voice, “The oddest thing of all. The grapevine says that everypony that’s anypony with any real knowledge for gems, jewels, and so on is disappearing. It’s not like they died or anything— or at least I don’t hope— but suddenly you can’t get ahold of them anymore. Letters between friends that flew back and forth daily now sit in mailboxes. If all you understand is that these gems are shiny, these are not, and so on— you’re in the clear. But if its legends, lore, history, or anything to do specifically with special gem magic…”

“Why would Celestia do this?” Raspberry muttered.

“I don’t know,” Sparks whispered, “I don’t even know for sure if she has anything to do with it. You know that she hasn’t been seen or heard from specifically in days and days? But somepony is doing some clampdown. I’m only telling you all this because I’m scared… and because you deserve to know.”

Raspberry stared against the wall. He started to feel angry. He turned back to look right at Sparks, and he said, “Now look, why are you putting up with this. Why would anypony put up with this?”

“I’m not going to speak against Princess Celestia,” whispered Sparks, “I’m not going to find myself spending a thousand years banished in a haunted forest.”

“She’s not as powerful as you think,” Raspberry said, feeling his dark, steely sensation rising up through his veins, “She’s not as strong as you think. She’s… vulnerable. Weak. I have an instinct.”

“I’m… I’m done with this conversation,” Sparks said, waving his front hooves above his head. “If you want to take this that place, then I’m done.”

Raspberry began to step away, but he stopped. What the hell was that? It sounded as if someone else was talking to me, as I was talking to him. Like I was repeating someone else’s words… Raspberry said to Sparks, “I’m sorry, just forget it. Forget everything else. Just focus on what I said before. If I really, really, need to ask about legends and history for jewels, I’ll ask a brainiac. Someone wise. Someone that’s an insufferable know-it-all.”

“Oh, that’s easy, go to Mr. Knack’s,” Sparks said, “I probably should have told you before. After all, as a musician you’d appreciate seeing him anyway. He’s the most connected pony you’ll ever meet.”

“I’ve heard that before, but I’m not talking about music here. I don’t care about music,” Raspberry said, “I just need to see the town’s egghead. The one that can’t stop from bragging about learning this thing or that thing. Someone that’s so smart and so intelligent that you want to gag.”

“Again, Knack,” replied Sparks.

Raspberry opened his mouth to say something else. Sparks immediately smashed his right hoof on Raspberry’s mouth. Raspberry gazed back at Sparks intently.

“This— is my intelligence,” Sparks said, and he pointed to a fingernail-sized diamond right under counter. “This— is Knack’s intelligence.” Sparks pointed to an emerald a few feet to the right. It was about the size of a pear and sat atop a small white pillow. “And this— is Knack’s ego.” Sparks reached behind himself and pulled out a globe. He then let Raspberry go.

“Imagine that it’s life-size and you get the picture,” remarked Sparks, spinning around the globe. Raspberry turned around and walked out of the store. Sparks wished him good luck, and Raspberry said thanks.

Later Scene (Incomplete)

Raspberry gazed at the gigantic castle. He felt as intimidated as anypony could possibly feel as he stepped towards the entrance. So, I wonder if everything’s electrified? I know that I can’t just ring up a doorbell. Maybe there’s a 10 Downing Street office I have to head to first to get an appointment. He sized up the four beefy guard stallions standing silently between a metal gate and the street.

He said to himself, “Well here goes nothi—”

“Oh, here it goes alright!” said a mysterious feminine voice. Raspberry turned around, seeing nothing. He and the guards seemed to be totally alone. All of the hustle and bustle of the street had moved down towards the shops away from the castle.

“Hi… there,” said another voice. Raspberry spun to his right and saw Fluttershy. She had appeared out of nowhere on a batch of cobblestones. She had an unhappy look on her face and made a light squeak as Raspberry made eye contact.

“Hello again,” Raspberry replied, “What are you doing here?”

“I’m a… a…” she stammered, “A distraction. I’m really sorry about this.”

Raspberry began, “Sorry about w—”

“Gotcha!” screamed Twilight as she jumped behind him, grabbing his neck. Raspberry reached up and felt a hard metallic ring going over him. Twilight seized his arms and moved them over behind his back. He felt himself falling backwards into some kind of wheelchair. Twilight’s touch seemed to tickle him just as if he rubbed against a thick wool blanket.

“Well this was… MORE THAN UNNECESSARY,” Raspberry remarked, barely moving a muscle as he felt his hind hooves being tied up. I was going to ring the frigging doorbell, missy…

“It’s an anti-magic bracelet,” Twilight declared, and then she moved to his bottom hooves, “Only it’s full body sized. Good luck getting out of this, you fiend.”

“Fiend?” Raspberry muttered, “What the hell is this— Action Comics?”

“Oh, dear, please Raspberry,” Fluttershy said, petting his front hooves, “Please don’t struggle. It would be great if you didn’t… if you didn’t mind. Please.” Somehow, the popping sensation that he had felt before when touching her before had almost completely disappeared. It seemed more like a light tingle, and it actually— felt kind of nice, actually.

“Fluttershy,” Twilight said, and she strained to fit the ropes onto the slippery metal wheelchair, “I need you to get the bag on him so he can’t see, already!”

“Oh, Raspberry please…” Fluttershy said, caressing Raspberry’s sides, “Just let us now if the ropes get too tight or anything. We’ll be sure you’re okay. But now, I’ll need to put the bag on so that you won’t see how we enter. I’ll put it on… n-n-now, if you don’t mind.” She placed what seemed to be a used potato bag over his head. Raspberry shut his eyes. He opened them again to see that the bag had a large hole about a foot around cut into it— exposing about his entire face.

“UUUUGH, Fluttershy!” Twilight called out, “This is worse than useless. He can see completely out and everything.” She picked up the wheelchair and tugged Raspberry backward a few feet.

“Oh, my,” Fluttershy squeaked out, “But, but… Pinkie said that she was going to be sure to cut the mouth hole pretty big to make sure that he could breathe out, of course. We agreed that we’d have to err on the side of caution, naturally… We’d… never even dream of hurting him, wouldn’t we?”

“Well… what now?” Twilight asked, and she accidentally fluffed Raspberry’s head with her mane.

“Oh, Raspberry, hey,” Fluttershy asked, leaning over and letting Raspberry gaze into her huge eyes, “Could you, if you don’t mind too much, close your eyes and keep them closed? Until I tell you to open them again? I know you can’t close your ears, naturally, but it would be just great if you could avoid hearing anything as well. I know… and I don’t want to be too much of a bother…”

“No problem,” Raspberry replied, and he shut his eyes, “Please just make sure my glasses don’t fall off or anything…”

“Oh, of course,” she said, “You can count on me. And I hope that you… you… don’t mind your coltnapping too much. Thank you very much for being so cooperative. I’ll be sure to make it all up to you soon. Don’t worry.”

“No problem,” Raspberry muttered, and he felt himself being lead up into some passageway. He heard Twilight grumbling aimlessly.

“Oh, we’re going up some ramps soon, do be sure to hold tight,” Fluttershy said, “I hope you don’t mind the bumps… I hope, well here, let me hold your hooves for a moment.”

Raspberry tried not to make a sound in reaction. Wow just… Wow! Well, obviously it feels nice to be held by a pretty girl… er, pony… But why now? Something feels so different from before… That dark aura from them is gone or going.

“Just a— a— a,” Twilight panted, and Raspberry thought that Twilight probably vastly underrated how heavy he was and how far she had to pull him around, “Just a few more feet now… oh, Praise Celestia.”

“Okay, now we’re going to set you up in the ‘Student Adjunct Research Room’,” Fluttershy said, “Don’t worry, please don’t… We won’t be going anywhere. It will just take a moment for us to meet up with our friends. I hope that it’s not too much trouble for you to wait alone for a second.”

Raspberry kept his eyes shut as they left. He opened them again. He felt less than impressed. It looked like just another college study room the kind of which he had seen over and over again. He sat in an empty space with a large red rug in front of him as well as bunches of bookcases. A large mirror stood across from him.

“So, we’re here now,” Fluttershy said, and six ponies filtered out of a door to Raspberry’s right. They all had an odd kind of tiara-like thing on their heads. Raspberry immediately recognized Twilight, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, and Rarity. Another blue mare with a rainbow colored mane sat beside those five.

“Time to face justice, you fiend!” Twilight remarked. She really seemed to be enjoying herself. Fluttershy had a reserved, hopeful sort of expression. The rest of the ponies gave the impression that they’d rather be hundreds of miles away. The blue mare in particular had a bored, irritated face that looked as if she had spent the last hour in line at the DMV.

“So are we zapping him, or not?” Pinkie Pie said, “He’s doesn’t really look like—”

“Oh, he’s the one,” Twilight announced, “He’s the one that’s been the right hand horse of that agent of pure evil. We cure him and then everything else should be easy.”

“You kidding?” Raspberry remarked, jerking around in his chair, “As soon as I found out he wants to use me as a living pocket pussy to cream out monsters for him that was it for our friggin’ ‘friendship’.”

“What in tarnation is a ‘pocket pussy’?” asked Applejack.

“Dear, Twilight, sweetie… I think you’ve made a terrible mistake,” Rarity said, and she frowned. Raspberry winked at her while smiling, and then Rarity blushed a bit.

“No mistake!” Twilight hollered, obliviously, “And now, Mr. Start, prepare to meet the full force of the elements of harmony!”

“It’s ‘Star’,” Raspberry said, jiggling in his seat, “My blasted name is ‘Raspberry Star’.” I should be more animated about this… maybe… should I? He had expected to feel intense fear, but instead he just couldn’t wait to get over it all. One pony said this would kill me. Another pony said that absolutely nothing would happen. Well, either way… I just can’t shake the feeling that Dr. Missingname was totally right. Even if the very off chance he’s not, well, I might as well check out of this stupid pony world sooner rather than later.

“He’s right, Twilight. It’s ‘Star’ and not ‘Start’,” Rarity remarked.

“I don’t care what his stupid name is!” Twilight yelled. Her horn glowed brightly. “It’s time to get him!”

“Don’t I get a last…” Raspberry started to say.

“A last what? Last meal? You ain’t hungry,” Applejack said, keeping her blasé expression, “Or at least you sure look like you want somethin’ else.”

“OOOOOOOOH!” Pinkie squealed, and she began hopping in excitement, “I’d love to start up a last meal fit for a true evildoer! We can have cupcakes and cakes and scones and all kinds of raspberries all layered on everything with extra white chocolate because everypony knows that white chocolate goes GREAT with raspberries— and raspberries just happens to be his thing what with the lapel and the name and the everything and HEY what about we make a PARTY out of—”

“No!” Twilight yelled.

“Maybe a last request?” Raspberry said. The ponies all glanced at each other and whispered. They got into a huddle and traded all kinds of comments.

“Okay! It can be whatever you want as long as it’s not ‘I request for you to let me go’,” announced Rarity, “And please tell us whatever it is right now, darling.”

Dammit! They looked like they might actually have fallen for that one! Raspberry surveyed the horses before him. There’s no way this can be serious… No way they would really hurt me at all… They’re hitting me with concentrated love, after all! He cocked his head as he tried to think of his request. He made a bit of a devious smile. I might as well make this a little fun. He asked, “How about a kiss?”

“Kiss!” blurted the mare with the rainbow mane. She seemed to almost want to keel over at the very thought. The other ponies went back into a huddle. After a few seconds, they lined up again. They all hesitated. Twilight looked over to her right.

“Are you going to say it, Pinkie?” she asked in a low voice. Pinkie leaned over.

“But we didn’t tell Dash yet, shouldn’t we tell her first before we tell him?” Pinkie asked, pointing at the blue pony.

Dash replied, “I’m not part of this— AT. ALL. And that’s all I’m going to say.” She looked as if she was going to throw her headpiece off and storm away but decided not to at the last moment.

“I thought you said that you wanted to say it?” Twilight asked Rarity.

“Aw, for Pete’s sake!” Applejack cried out, and then she leaned over at Raspberry, “So! We all decided that that’s a fair enough request. Now, which one of us will it be?”

Raspberry’s spirits sank a tiny bit. Gee, I was kind of wondering if all six of you were up to it at the same time or maybe one after the other… Wow, I sound like such a man-whore… or a colt-whore already… He stuck out his right hoof a bit and pointed at the group. “I would like it if… if…” he said, moving a bit, “If I had a kiss from… Fluttershy!”

“M-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-me,” she squeaked out, and she looked like she wanted to melt into the rug, “I just… I don’t… I really haven’t had much experience with… with that sort of thing… Although, of course, saying ‘no’ wouldn’t be very nice, especially not when Applejack said all that just now…”

“Please?” Raspberry said, and he gazed at the yellow Pegasus. The other five mares kept their eyes right on Fluttershy. She babbled incoherently and tried unsuccessfully to hide her gigantic blush.

“I don’t want to make any… I just am a little bit… you know… since I, I don’t really,” she mumbled.

“I would just feel honored if you would,” Raspberry said. He felt surprised at how sincere he sounded and how sincere he had started to feel. She’s the element of kindness after all… I guess I can’t… I… Wow!

Twilight and Dash both whispered something at Fluttershy, but she didn’t seem to listen. She swallowed, and then she walked over to Raspberry’s wheelchair. She jittered at every step. She leaned over towards Raspberry— blushing as if she was about to bleed— and then she gave him a peck on his left cheek.

“That’s the kind of kiss you’d give Sweetie Bell,” he whispered into her nearby ear, “It’s fine, just fine. Can we, you know, do something that would be between husband and wife?” He shocked himself by how soft, tender, and wanting he sounded.

“H-h-h-h-h-husband and w-w-w-wife,” she replied in a low voice. She took a deep breath and twisted her head around. The other five horses looked on with eyes that seemed the size of dinner plates.

Raspberry began to say something, but he didn’t finish. Fluttershy shoved her head over and kissed him full on the lips. He tilted his face with her hooves as she pressed in. She didn’t seem to really know what to do, but she kept moving about against his lips. Raspberry felt some accidental little licks of her tongue, and then she pulled back away— her eyes tightly shut. She opened them again, and Raspberry thought that she almost seemed to survey every inch of his mind, body, and soul.

“Okay then?” Twilight asked, sounding like she couldn’t get her emotions back together. Dash looked as if she was fighting off a heart attack— her face alternating between revulsion and temptation. The other ponies kept staring without a word. Rarity in particular smiled from cheek to cheek.

“Okay… thank you, thank you very much,” Raspberry muttered, “You have one lucky coltfriend, whoever he is.” Fluttershy tapped him on the side. As the horses lined up again, the yellow pegasus took a step over to the side.

“It won’t hurt! I won’t hurt! It won’t make you feel bad! I promise!” Fluttershy yelled. For whatever reason, Raspberry had begun to zone out. The ponies’ headgear began to light up as they all chanted something.

“Oh,” Raspberry murmured, and he felt something soft smack him in the chest. Everything seemed to go white again. I’m… I’m being born again… This deep warmth poured out of his heart and flooded every last part of him. Everything kept heating up. Yet it didn’t feel dangerous or painful for the slightest. A kaleidoscope of colors flooded all across his vision. He heard something special— something like the happiest, fluffiest, and most upbeat symphony that could ever be written.

“It— it feels—” he spouted, “Sooooooooo GOOOOOOOOOD!” His face contorted from the joy. A million little eruptions went off on the top of his brain. He couldn’t begin to describe the tingly pleasure. Best… feeling… best… feeling ever… oh, it’s an orgasm… it’s a heart-gasm…

“MORE!” Raspberry screamed, and he shifted from right to left in the wheelchair. He regained full composure and sat back normally. Hmmm… Well, I’m still here at least…

“Did, did it work?” Applejack asked nopony in particular. They all looked at each other, and then at Raspberry. His face of pleasure went back to normal, but he still panted a bit.

“More Flutterkisses, please,” Raspberry said, “And more harmony shots would also be very nice, please.”

“Well that was… weird,” Dash said, and she placed her headgear onto the rug.

“Really weird,” Applejack commented. The ponies moved about and gave each other ‘Now what?’ looks.

“So! So— so— so— so— so— so— so— so— so!” Pinkie said, “Can we have his last meal and last PARTY now? Please? Please!”

“Oh, I just can’t…” Twilight said, and then she sped over to Raspberry’s side, “What is it with you?”

“What is it with you?” Raspberry repeated. Twilight groaned.

“You… you stole my guidebook,” Twilight said, “And you almost destroyed my library, too. And you’re all… mysterious and everything…”

“And YOU broke our expensive glass case into a thousand pieces!” Raspberry yelled. The other ponies suddenly stared at Twilight. The purple unicorn made a strained, nervous expression.

“Yes, well,” she stammered, “S-s-s-sorry about that. That was really mean of me.”

“I borrowed your guidebook, and then gave it back,” Raspberry went on, “And you have it now.”

“Yes, right,” Twilight replied, tilting her head straight upwards sheepishly.

“Alright, I’ve had enough of this,” Dash remarked. The blue pegasus headed to the door. Rarity and Applejack joined her silently. Fluttershy, Raspberry, Pinkie, and Twilight glanced at each other.

“So… if I’m your prisoner, then can I have a soda or something?” Raspberry asked, “And it would be just great if you could wheel me over in front of a TV.”

“Soda it is, Mister Evil Colt!” Pinkie said, giving a salute. She sped away.

“What’s your game, Raspberry?” Twilight asked in a faux-menacing voice, leaning in over Raspberry and making such a cute face that Raspberry strained not to laugh at.

“I’m, say, three-fourths of the way towards home,” Raspberry replied, “I think that only Princess Celestia herself can help me now. She has the final jewel, or she knows where it is at least.”

“A likely story!” Twilight retorted, “And I suppose you’d think we’re so blind that you’re headed over here to assist your cowpony friend as an…” She built up her voice dramatically. “ASSASSIN!”

“Uh, nope,” Raspberry said. Twilight sat down on the floor, frustrated. Raspberry rolled his eyes a bit. “I suppose I should thank you. Normally, a colt would have to pay a lot of bits to be tied up by devastatingly beautiful mares.”

“I’m not ‘devastatingly beautiful’!” Twilight said, although she did a double take a second afterward, “Wait… yes I am. I mean, I… could be called one. I’d like to be called one. Thank you… I guess… I mean…” She searched for words.

“You’re very welcome,” Raspberry said. Twilight blushed a bit and began to smile before regaining her faux-dramatics.

“Soda time!” Pinkie yelled, bursting out the door with two large trays, “I didn’t know what kind you wanted and the ponies at the royal court are oh so helpful and I guess they’d have to be to get this job but they’re just even more so helpful than like could ever be possible and oh hey I didn’t know what size or what flavor but you’re a large pony so I said large and I picked my own favorite flavors since I thought that you’d probably like whatever I like but if you don’t they said—”

“Pinkie,” muttered Twilight.

“Okay!” Pinkie said, “So I’ve got—” She somehow produced a pull-up table and set the trays up while pointing again and again. “Strawberry, orange, purple, lemon, lemon-strawberry, orange-lemon, blue coconut, strawberry-coconut, mango, orange-mango, lemon-coconut, orange-coconut, and—”

“Pinkie!” Twilight called out, “I don’t think that—”

“Oooh! Ooooh! Can I have orange-lemon?” Raspberry said. Pinkie squealed, and she thrust the glass and towards his mouth. He sipped some from the straw. Wow! That’s tasty!

“Sooooooo… I may never have seen the elements of harmony fail on somepony,” Twilight said, “But that doesn’t mean I’ll go easy on you!”

“Is this diet?” Raspberry asked. Pinkie shook her head ‘no’. “I don’t care, either way, but it tastes like something diet. But don’t worry about it.” He went back to sucking.

“Anyways!” Twilight interjected, “I need some serious information from you… you… Raspberry! You’ve been found with some pretty suspicious characters lately. And you’ve been going in some pretty suspicious places lately. So I need you to spill the beans!”

“Beans?” Pinkie said, “That’s a horrible thing to serve our guest!”

Twilight said, “He’s not a guest; he’s a prisoner.”

“Can I have some cupcakes,” Raspberry said, “Or something else to go with the soda?”

“CUPCAKES?” Pinkie seemed to lift herself up magically into the air as she yelled. She then hurled herself back out the door. Twilight muttered something and then chased after.

“Well, okay then,” Rapsberry said to Fluttershy.

“I’ll just go ahead and… um… Well, it should be okay,” she said, and she untied Raspberry. She delicately lifted off the bag.
“Thanks,” he said, and he walked out towards the bookcases, “How long until we can meet with the Princess?” Fluttershy shook her head and shrugged. “It’s just that it’s a little pointless for me to talk to Twilight about everything and also have her explain all that to the Princess.”

“That makes sense,” Fluttershy remarked, “Oh wait, let me get your backpack for you. Twilight made sure that she’d search it later… But since I don’t want to impose too much, you should have it right back.” She walked around and then slumped the pack at Raspberry’s side. The colt gazed out the window at the rest of Canterlot. He magically lifted over the iPod and idly browsed through songs.

“Here it ISSSSSSSSSS!” Pinkie announced as she walked into the room with two other trays of sugary treats, “Oh hey, you’re over there and not over there? Why is that? Oh wait, you’re free and I guess I should be upset or something?”

“You just— just stand right there!” Twilight said, bouncing out of the door and pointing over at Raspberry. She then stuck her head back out of the room. “Hey everyone!”

Rarity wandered back into the room, but Applejack and Dash remained nowhere in sight. Twilight made an angry sigh and then headed back out. She yelled behind her, “You’d better just stand right there, Raspberry! The Princess will have you answer to your trickery with the elements of harmony!”

“Oh, finally,” Raspberry remarked. He looked out at a group of young pegasus ponies— each with dark grey bodies and bright white stripes along their wings— raced each other from cloud to cloud. “I wondered if I’d have to talk to the Deputy Undersecretary of the Minster for Interspecies Affairs or somepony.”

“Are you okay?” Fluttershy said, walking up to him, “You look like… oh, you’re sweating pretty bad, here let me help you…”

Raspberry did suddenly feel very hot for some reason. He went to take off his suit. He started to lose the sensation in his front hooves. “Oh… oh, not again,” he muttered, “Not now… not here… not of all the places…” He blinked and realizes that his vision seemed to be caving in on him. He leaned down and felt the taste of something inky and metallic running down his throat.

“Are you going to be okay?” Rarity said, trotting over and touching his side, “What’s wrong?”

Raspberry couldn’t even think. It came on pretty strong— keeling him over on his back. The pain burned like white hot knives stabbing all across his head. He almost sensed his flesh coming apart on the serrated edges. He drooled a bit from his open mouth, and he struggled to breathe.

“Raspberry! Raspberry!” Fluttershy said, cradling his head like a mother. Rarity mumbled something incoherently. She touched his eyes and they opened back up.

“Oooooooh! Sparkly!” Pinkie said, “It’s like his eyes are growing diamonds!”

“No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No,” Rarity said, coming across to the other ponies like a motorboat, “Listen to me. Listen to me please, Raspberry.”

“It’ll… be over soon,” Raspberry muttered. He’d moved away from the distortion stage and from that point on it would be pain. Pure, concentrated pain moved all through his body.

“What is it, sweetie? Please tell us so we can help,” Fluttershy asked, and she motioned at Rarity to begin going through Raspberry’s backpack.

“It’s just,” Raspberry sputtered, turning about the floor with the sensation of giant boulders crashing against his skull, “It’s a migraine. Or it’s like one. I’ll be over it. It’s just that I’m afraid what’s coming after when it ends.”

“How do we stop it?” Rarity asked, joining Fluttershy in cradling Raspberry.

“Ummm, it’s not easy to do,” Raspberry said, and he flinched at a surge of pain, “I use aspirin. Music. Soda. Snacks. Hugging, especially with my dog.”

“Music?” Pinkie asked, “Is that what this with thingy with the musical note on it is for?”

“Yeah, it’s like I get out of it if I have happiness overload. Happy music, tasty food and drink, that sort of thing,” he murmured. He wanted to bury his face into the ground and then rub until his eyes fell out. At least that might end the damn pain…

“Music!” Pinkie said, and she fluttered the device from hoof to hoof, “How does this blasted thingy work?” She pressed around on the front of the iPod. “Somewhere there has to be something to start playing something, somehow!”

“Give me that!” Rarity said, snatching it and clicking around it gently, “You get the soda and cakes and everything else, please. Okay, happy. Happy music. I think if I apply magic to this… It’ll immediately amplify into the whole room.” Her horn glowed, and then she smiled as it seemed to work immediately. “Okay, just press center to play— I guess? I hope.” Rarity looked over and saw Pinkie attempting to feed Raspberry just like a little foal.

“Okay, here comes the choo-choo… into the tunnel… a-ha,” said Pinkie, and she wound up her hoof to shove a chocolate cupcake into Raspberry’s mouth. She followed up with a concentrated thrust of orange soda, but that ended up pouring all over his face. Raspberry flowed into a daze.

“Ugh,” Rarity said, “Okay, finally it plays. This tune is called— ‘I Am the Law’? No. ‘Darkness’? No. ‘The Sound of the Crowd’? No. ‘Do or Die’? NO! Happy music! Ugh!” She clicked through a variety of songs before setting down on one. “This might be promising. ‘ABC’…”

“And here comes the, uh, pipe, following into the dam,” Pinkie said, trying to get Raspberry to drink from a straw, “Come on now, silly!”

“Oooh, Rarity,” Fluttershy said as she caressed Raspberry’s head, “Not to bother you while you’re doing that, but he seems to be slipping out of consciousness. I… I don’t know what to do…”

“Play!” Rarity yelled at the device. It seemed to light up as her horn glowed, and then bouncy music immediately filled the room. Raspberry seemed to stir. Rarity sped over and got him to drink some of the mango soda.

“WOW! I love this jam!” Pinkie hollered, and she began bouncing about all across the room, “A-B-C! Easy as 1-2-3!” She flew over to beside Raspberry. “Baby, you and me, girl!” Fluttershy fed another drink to Raspberry as Rarity cuddled him.

“He’s waking but a bit, oh but goodness,” Fluttershy said, “I don’t know if this all is working…. He’s still so sweaty and so weak looking…”

“Wait! I’ve got it!” Rarity announced.

Fluttershy replied, “Oh, thank goodne—”

Rarity pressed Fluttershy’s face back onto Raspberry’s face. Their lips locked again, and Fluttershy tweaked her head side to side. Raspberry immediately grabbed the sides of her head and slurped his lips against hers. As he pressed into her, he made a soft cooing sound and constantly twitched from head to hoof. Rarity paused for a few seconds, and then she pulled Fluttershy off of him.

“Better?” Rarity asked, giving an amused look.

“Yes… much better…” he said, but he made a nervous expression, “We just need to worry about whatever new friend I just let into this room.”

“New friends, awesome,” Pinkie said, and she popped from corner of the room to corner of the room. “Maybe it’s here?” She picked up a vase. “Nope! What about here?” She peeked behind a staircase. “Nope! Well, maybe here?” She lifted up the rug. “Nope! Well… maybe…” She thrust her head into Raspberry’s backpack and dug around.

“Everything couldn’t be safer, my dear,” Rarity said, sitting down besides Raspberry, “This is probably the most guarded place in all of Equestria.”

“A fat lot of good that does if you flow in between universes,” Raspberry whispered. Rarity made a sad, confused face. Fluttershy seemed in a trance— stuck in a permanent happy face with her lips stuck out.

“Twitching Tail!” Pinkie squeaked, and then she jumped on top of the three ponies, “Stay down!” The three of them had their mouths squished by three of her hooves. “It’s coming from the roof, now.”

“It’s doing whaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAATTTT!” Rarity’s question turned to a frantic scream. The ponies watched as the chandelier became enveloped in a thick, dark gray goo. The sludge started moving, and half of it poured onto the rug.

Flutters of electricity shot out from the chandelier towards the sides of the room. The goo formed something odd— something like some kind of wispy appendages sticking out like arms. They slinked with a thick, humming noise around the floor.

The ponies squeezed together, terrified. They kicked against the ground and backed themselves up against the window. Raspberry wanted to yell for help but somehow he couldn’t even think to breathe.

The slender wisps curled around the floor— touching and touching while looking and looking. Smoky entrails headed up the edges of the book cases. Within just a moment, the ponies heard a terrible creaking sound. Then, a shrill metallic noise began almost like a crowbar hammered against concrete.

“Raspberry, dearie,” Rarity muttered. The ponies had their backs completely against the wall, shaking uncontrollably.

*Boom* Books flew out of the shelves onto the floor. The wisps flowed through and knocked the bookshelves right over. Dozens of the books floated up off of the floor and twirled in the air. Some kind of mini-tornado formed around the chandelier spinning books around and around.

“Wow, Twilight would hate to see this,” Pinkie said. Lightening started to crackle from the ceiling down. A blast shot at the rug a few feet away from the horses— leaving a dark red burn.

“Raspberry, now,” Rarity said, turning over to him, “This would be a really great time for you to talk to and reason with… whatever it is… your, ‘offspring’ as it were…”

“You think it’ll listen to me?” Raspberry replied, “It ain’t listening to me!”

“Do… at least try… please, Raspberry,” Fluttershy said, giving him a gentle nudge on the side.

Raspberry took a few steps forward and shouted, “Uh, hello there, my new friend. Welcome to Equestria. How’s it going?” Nothing happened. The books kept flying about. “Uh, well, then— I was wondering if you would drop all of that stuff and stop with the electricity and everything, please?”

A low hum began, and it built up until the metallic noises became hard to bear. Some kind of bright white opening formed deep within the sludge on the chandelier, almost like an eye, and then a dark cloud filled with sparks slinked through the air towards Raspberry.

“That’s a ‘no’, I think,” Pinkie said. Several books sped through the air and smacked the wall around the ponies. They shifted over until their backs were at the window.

Fluttershy said, “So… I wonder what now…”

“Iddddea!” Rarity said with a sing-song voice, and the rest of the horses eyed her, “Let’s… LEAVE!”

Raspberry rolled his eyes for a moment. He shocked back at attention as the cloud moved ever closer. The door, after all, was only a few dozen feet away. They all went into a small huddle. “Along the edges, okay,” he said, “Now, on the count of three—”

“Darling,” Rarity said, “Wait.”

“WHAT?” Raspberry spat.

“Is that ‘count of three’ as in ‘1-2-3’ THEN go, or is that ‘count of three’ as in ‘1-2’ then GO while saying ‘three’?” Rarity asked.

“Oh, for Pete’s sake, look,” he said, starting to count on his fingers but then realizing against that he didn’t have any fingers, “It’s 1-2-3, THEN—”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!” Pinkie screamed as the cloud fluttered down and enveloped her tail. Whips flowed down between her back hooves and up her back. She kicked and kicked helplessly. The other three horses grabbed her and tried to pull her away as the creature yanked her to the chandelier.

“Not good! Not good!” Raspberry called out. His horn lit up and he tried to concentrate. He imagined something hitting the chandelier and something giving him extra strength to pull. He closed his eyes for a moment, and as he opened them again he saw Pinkie’s bright colors somehow begin to melt from her. Little pink droplets fluttered around in the air towards the chandelier. Pinkie seemed to change into a whitish peach color at every second.

“Let her go, you… you… big meanie!” Fluttershy hollered. The pegasus clutched Pinkie’s head and flew back upwards. Rarity and Raspberry’s horns glowed brightly. Some kind of white light erupted in the air behind Pinkie. A flood of tiny bubbles appeared around the creature’s wispy arms and multiplied quickly across. The ponies heard a horrible moaning sound— almost like a satisfied sexual grunt— and then Pinkie was free.

“Oh dear, please, please! Speak to me Pinkie!” Rarity cried. Fluttershy whispered into Pinkie’s ears. The formerly pink pony let out a few groans. Raspberry felt around Pinkie’s head and tried to concentrate.

“Youuuu! YOU LEAVE MY FRIENDS ALONE!” Fluttershy yelled, and her eyes narrowed.

The monster let out a deep, low growl in response. Gray tentacles flung about across the ceiling.

Fluttershy glanced over at Raspberry, and she screamed, “You and Rarity get her to safety!”

Raspberry began, “But are—”

“Do it!” ordered the yellow pegasus. The other ponies grabbed Pinkie, counted off, and sped towards the door. The creature flung out waves of sparks at them. Fluttershy flew out and blocked each one with her body. She flinched as the electricity fluttered across, but then she made a determined smirk. “Well, well, well— is that all you got?”

Raspberry and Rarity popped out the door carrying Pinkie, who seemed awake and not too worse for wear but couldn’t move. They slammed it behind them and both took a deep breath. Then, they screamed as loudly as they could, “TWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILIGHT!”

The hallway— adorned with various paintings and rare sculptures— seemed to have hundreds of unlabeled doors. Raspberry took a few steps out. He stuck his right hoof out and let out a frustrated grunt. Nothing happened. He rotated his hoof a bit and said to himself, “This is for Fluttershy.” All of the doors suddenly flung open with a loud crack.

“Twilight?” Rarity and Raspberry asked as they popped their heads into the first door, which revealed an ornate bathroom. They sped over to the next door, which revealed a storage closet. They hollered the purple unicorn’s name a second time down the halls.

“Yes?” asked a voice behind them. They spun around and grabbed Twilight without saying a word. They carried her back to the door to the study and then flung it open.

Futtershy played a great game of whack-a-mole with the monster— flying from side to side as it missed with lightning strike after lightning strike. The creature also occasionally lit up in a pink aura and threw some things that Raspberry couldn’t believe he was seeing— from bits of cookies to streamers to confetti to glitter. Twilight stepped into the room and shut the door behind her.

Twilight immediately stepped back outside the study and screamed, “GUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARDS!”

“Pinkie, are you okay?” Rarity asked, and she and Raspberry cradled her. Her color had almost completely returned, but she kept shaking her head side to side while keeping her eyes closed.

“Whoo-hoo,” Fluttershy said, popping out of the door as well, “That… that… wasn’t as hard as I had thought…” Twilight and Raspberry huddled around her and started to care for her. She had some pale yellow splotches where her own color had been sucked out.

“Wow! What was… that…” Pinkie suddenly said. Twilight and Rarity rubbed her on the head and cracked big smiles, “All I can… I just remember it was like my hooves were going into an oven. Oh, well. How are you ponies?” Twilight and Rarity just made happy nods.

“Can you… if you don’t mind, too much, that is… get… off of me?” Fluttershy asked. Raspberry took a gulp as he realized how he had pinned her down by accident— body lying upon body.

“Sure, and thanks a lot for saving us,” he replied. Damn, that would have been a perfect moment for a kiss, so natural and so cinematic… Although a third kiss is really, really pushing my luck…

“Where, Praise Celestia, are the guards?” Rarity asked, feeling exasperated, “Where’s Rainbow Dash? Where’s Applejack? Where is— everypony!”

“I suppose they’re probably dealing with the cowpony in black and his various, ‘associates’,” Twilight replied.

== There’s more soon