Princess Celestia: Functional Retard of Canterlot

by Darkly Hooves

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random
Length: 804

What if Celestia's special talent was raising celestial bodies at the expense of.. all other skills

Princess Celestia likes crayons.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-13 12:48:52 UTC

Good morning Celestia

Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria.

~§~

Celestia stirred, yawning and blinking as she spread her alicorn wings to their fullest extension, waving her alabaster hooves as she gently slid off the side of her royal sleeping futon with a gentle thud.

"I'm up." she chirrped sleepily.

When nopony appeared she craned her royal neck, surely somepony would attend to this critical process. She awkwardly got to her hooves after only two attempts and glanced around, getting a little worried. Maybe even slightly anxious.

When nopony came To her aid at her second chirrp she rose to her full regal stature.

"Hello? Goodness me, I hope I won't have to dress myself..."

Celestia gulped, a reddish flush rising to her pristinely white cheeks as she stared at her regalia, Gingerly grasping one piece of it with her magic and closing her eyes. Biting her lip as, yeah, sure enough, the tiara was violently propelled upwards and is now deeply embedded into the masonry of her ceiling...She tried grasping one of her hoof slipper things but decided against further attempts after it shot out the window with enough force to blow out every pane, and chip off a fair chunk of the balcony railing... She opted to just don her morning robe instead,

By the time Fru Fru, her primary hoofmaiden found her glorious immortal ruler to be awake ahead of schedule, Celestia had begun to turn blue from the sleeve of her silk robes choking the life out of her alabaster neck, groaning inwardly the hoofmaiden quickly tore the murderous fabric apart with her magic and respectfully comforted the distressed royalty, "Not again, Princess..."

As Fru Fru and a few straggler hoofmaiden handlers began consoling the brightly blushing regent with vigorous coat brushing, she recalled what her predecessor had said on her first day of work, and how she'd been appalled, then confused, then despaired, then sucked it up and got on with it, as Celestia's more private quirks were revealed... Sure, the princess was the closest thing to a living goddess ponykind had, sure her stateponyship, wisdom, magical ability, leadership and compassion was legendary... Unfortunately, that's where her areas of expertise ended. For having lived for thousands of years, Celestia still had problems with the most mundane of tasks, such as dressing herself... Goodness knows she tries, but the sight of a grown mare, a royal mare at that, whinnying pitifully as all four of her legs somehow ends up in the same sock of a casual informal attire made Fru Fru's heart break.

How on earth she can handle documents yet propels her (surprisingly resiliant!) metal regalia at relavistic velocities was still a bit of a mystery... As was the location of six of her shoes. One had been found by the court astronomer. In lower orbit. Luna had brought another one back with her from the moon. Fru Fru suspected she had a second team levitating things for her just out of sight...

"Okay, shoes replaced, royal... neck.. whatchamacallit in place- where's the tiara... Princess, forgive a humble servant but we're behind schedule and-... oh, oh I see.. oh dear.. Yes, the royal mason will get that on his way to your balcony your highness... I'll get the spare tiara."

There were a dozen. Celestia kept Canterlot's jewelry industry booming by herself much to the chagrin of the royal treasurer.

After the princess had been attired as befitting her station, she thanked her handlers and teleported several stories down, where another handler squeaked.

"Okay Celly~ you've done this millions of times, no whammies... Left.. right.. left right.. hindlegs.. left right... repeat.." she mumbled, lips straightening into a gentle smile as she moved past the heavy tapestries and into the public view, internally counting her steps and focusing inordinately on every careful movement, oh if she could simply teleport where she needed to be, but alas, decorum had to be maintained... Like most Unicorns whom are born with immense power, Celestia's preferred method of movement was rapid action teleportation... Unlike most Unicorns however, she's also lived long enough to all but forget how basic motor skills worked. To the point where simply walking from point A to point B without stray thoughts tripping her up has become a strange, even alien sensation. Left, right, left, right-I wonder if the Saddle Arabia delegation was today or tomorrow-ack! Left! Left hoof! Okay, don't worry, nobody noticed the stumble...Hooves on the chalk-marks, spread wings, focus on the sun and- Go!

celestia wakes up

celestia demonstrates her fashion sense

celestia adresses the state, raise sun

celestia has a modest breakfast

celestia holds court

celestia practises magic

"Okay, my Majesty. Today we will

celestia's nullifying field. ???

Celestia eats dinner

lowers the sun

Celestia is undressed

bathed

tucked in.