... But They Happen Anyways...
An Beautiful Story Of How The Universe Shat Itself
By Eidgar Alan Poo
God, all mighty and beautiful, stood alone in his heaven. Mind you, this was not any heaven, it was the heaven of heavens, where all heavens came together to form a single, big ass heaven, because he was God. His pure white beard and white toga complemented by his perfect physique, made even better by the scented oils he usually rubbed upon himself, gave his heavenly heaven an even more heavenly look. All in all, it was the image of perfection.
But he knew, that it was time to fuck shit up. Why? He was bored.
He snapped his fingers, and a hole opened up in the cloud floor like a beautiful vagina (Yes). His gangsta shades shone with light as he looked down through it, gazing longingly upon his favourite playground.
No, it isn’t our world, even if he does like to fuck us up all the time.
This was the beautiful land of Equestria, ruled by two Princesses who were dumb enough to believe they themselves were goddesses. In this land lived a myriad of creatures, each one of them possessing the ability to think, and each of them possessing a soul. Unicorns, Pegasi, and the amputees called “Earth Ponies”, were the most prominent species on this world. Fuck all the others, for they have no place on this story.
He flicked his godly finger on the air as if he was pleasuring a woman, switching through different locations of Equestria, until he found the one: Ponyville. It was the apex of his creativity, even though he could have chosen a much less cliche name, or a better story for me to narrate.
Tossing all the bullshit aside, he focused on the one place he was looking for. “Sugarcube Corner”, it was called, home to one of his failed abortions: the earth pony “Pinkie Pie”.
Not that he didn’t like her, and as such he recognized that it was the best fuck-up he could have ever made.
With a twisted grin upon his face, he snapped his fingers once more, and a single object appeared in front of him and above the hole in the clouds.
“Red Bull”
He brought forth his mighty finger and graced the can with his touch, making it glow angelically for a second before the thing dropped through the hole, and onto Equestria.
Pinkie Pie trotted like a retard through Ponyville, greeting everypony unlucky enough to cross her path. They each looked at her with a face that screamed disgust, and kept moving as to avoid her presence.
It had been a fun day for her. Giving sugar-induced comas to other ponies with her half-assed cooking skills, and the secret ingredient called “Cyanide”, was always a fun thing to see, let alone experience. She wished she could do the same to herself, but how would she continue doing that to others if she were to suffer more brain damage, especially if she was already a hyperactive, puffy-haired imp? The answer resides somewhere in this story.
Anyways.
As she happily danced like a drunken nerd all the way to her home, AKA “Sugartits Cockcorner”, she found herself being hit in the head by an unknown object, which crushed her cranium like a balloon and instantly caused her death.
“Shit,” God muttered. “Forgot about the height.” He snapped his fingers to bring life to the pony, and spitted down through the hole to complete the process.
Slowly did the pink pony open her eyes, coming back from pony hell. She could still feel the fire burning her soul, and she wanted more.
But that’s another story.
She shakily stood up, noticing that nopony had noticed her tragic death, and that none of them gave two fucks about the necromancy that had taken place in her body. Even then, she was still happy, for she had been given a second chance to fuck around some more.
As Pinkie rubbed her sore head, she looked down upon the ground to see a single, bloodstained can, presumably the object that caused her death. She gingerly leaned down, as if in slow motion, and wrapped her hooves around the can.
Somewhere in Canterlot, Celestia and Luna shat themselves for no apparent reason.
“What’s this?” Pinkie mused to herself, looking over the can of beverage. “Red Bull?”
She shrugged, and tried to open the object that killed her. For a moment, she forgot that her hooved body was incapable of doing so, hence why she plopped the thing into her mouth and swallowed it whole. She scrunched up and crushed the can with her guts, allowing the fizzy liquid to seep into her bowels. A bubble of gas built up within her, forcing her to burp and fart at the same time, while also sneezing and squirting confetti out of her vagina.
As it seemed that nothing was happening, she kept on trotting through the town.
End of story.
Gotcha!
It was then that she noticed that everything seemed a tad bit different. Birds were frozen in place, as well as everypony around her. Every single sound was gone, except for her hoofsteps. Her jaw was slacked, and her eyes were staring at nothing. Her pupils were reduced to pinpricks, and her entire body felt numb. Everything fell together and drew her to one conclusion...
She had to fuck things up, didn’t she? Well, shit.
She squealed in joy and got up, running through the frozen Ponyville. She spotted Lyra and Bon-Bon sitting together in a park bench, and she rearranged their positions so they looked as if they were sucking each other off.
Pinkie went on like this for hours, literally writing the kama sutra as the did so.
“Is she... dead?” Fluttershy asked with a shaky voice, a small tree protruding from her vagoo.
“Ah’m inclined to that...” Applejack replied, uncomfortable with the apples that resided inside of her uterus.
“Serves her right!” Rarity exclaimed. “I am still finding gems inside of my... well, and Sweetie Belle is still stuck in the oven with my dildos inside of her!”
A really over sized rendition of Rainbow Dash spoke up with a squeaky voice, burping a small cloud. “How many clouds did she stick inside of me!?” She farted loudly for a few seconds, filling the room with clouds.
Twilight sighed, paying no attention to the screaming coming from inside of her belly. “And it’ll take me weeks to get Spike out of there!” She pushed, only managing to fart. "At least I'll experience birth... Might write a book about it."
They each looked at the floor of Twilight’s library, where the body of Pinkie Pie lay motionless, her tail frazzled and her corpse as hard as a brick, all while her crotch leaked of sex juices.
Fluttershy huffed. “Fucking bitch.”
