The Gunner, The Pyromaniac, and The Japanese Cherry Tree

by Sexy Blonde

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Original Character
Length: 1928

Life is like a rare piece of foliage. As soon as I can think of an explanation of that metaphor, you'll be the first to hear it. How can someone make such a story? Click and find out.

Based on a random 3 minute RP from out of the great blue yonder. I had no idea it could even become a story, but my 2 AM mind convinced me otherwise.
One pony, one fire hazard, one tree. These three things are very unrelated, yet triple-pair to tell quite the tale. How far will one pony go when losing something close to his heart due to carelessness and lack of intelligence? No one REALLY knew.. until now.

Published 2012-12-26 06:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-26 06:00:02 UTC

The Incident

Disclaimer: I would strongly suggest scrolling down and reading the author's notes before taking this story too seriously.

The Gunner, The Pyromaniac, and The Japanese Cherry Tree

For lack of any better term, it was a lovely day in the small town of Ponyville. On the edge of town, at the division between it and the Everfree, a blonde maned, light blue coated unicorn made his way out of his temporary household.

A native of Canterlot, he was having to stay with his marefriend Fluttershy for a few weeks while on a job in the back-woods township. Never one to miss out on the opportunity to earn a few extra bits for himself and the love of his life, he was going to stay here as long as it would require- regardless of his love of city life. Getting to stay with such a beautiful mare was always the cherry to the sundae when it came to Ponyville calls.

Due to the high volume of work that came from the area, he had taken it upon himself to purchase a very rare item of dendrology to place in the expanse of his marefriend's yard. Originally a birthday gift for her, due to her love of flora, the care and love he came upon for the tree quickly earned it the title of 'his tree'. Whenever Fluttershy would mention the wood-stemmed organism to her friends, it was 'his tree'. Whenever she would gaze at its lavish leaves and lush branches in the early morning illumination, she would think of it as 'his tree'. When Angel Bunny would attempt to burrow beneath the defenseless tree, Fluttershy would always tell him to stop harming 'his tree'.

Standing outside and stretching his back, enjoying the sensation of the early morning humidity, the stallion made his way over to his tree. Very cautiously, he took a hoof and rubbed down it's smooth bark- focusing on the tingling sensation it left in his body- just getting to feel something otherworldly. He inhaled deeply and exhaled audibly, loving the fact that before him was a rare spectacle from beyond the portal. And it was all his.

Suddenly, from the corner of his eye walked a plain looking earth stallion. Your average sized guy, brown mane and light brown coat, nothing out of the ordinary. For all he knew, this stallion could be somepony just waltzing up to see the rare sight of nature. A true appreciator of fine forestry.

The stallion made it up to the tree and stopped, just inches away from the lowest branch. The green and orange leaves glistened before him in the early morning sunlight- a sight that should create a sense of serenity and true peace. However, this certainly was not the case.

In the blink of an eye, the mystery stallion lit the branch and its leaves aflame through some otherwordly method. He was no unicorn, and had no system of combustion present, so how he lit the organic matter was but a mystery as much as he himself was. He stood and looked neutrally at the quickly engulfed tree, seeming neither sad nor angered, but rather ever so slightly amused through his neutrality.

The owner of the once gorgeous piece of scenery, however, was far from amused. In a moment of unchained rage, he lashed out at the stranger with a single word in a mid-pitched, well-projected voice.

"DUDE!" shouted the blue stallion.

"What?" the strange pony replied, emotionless and seemingly unaware of the simmering anger the other pony possessed.

After a moment of stunned silence in watching his ever-so-loved Earth tree burn down, he finally was able to speak.

"My- my Japanese Cherry Tree," he began, "Do you realize what you just burned?!" he screamed, fuming over the sight before him.

On cue to his words, the once beautiful gift to the horizon fell back in a heap of burned wood and ash, still ablaze and eminating a searing heat. Through use of another single word phrase, the other stallion placed an ever so perfect emphasis on the tree's descent after it was completed. "Nope."

Heart beat still ringing in his ears, the owner continued. "That is a Japanese cherry tree," he began, placing emphasis on the name of the tree, "you can't even find them around here. Those are from a different planet!"

The brown stallion seemed unfazed by his words, as he stood staring emotionless at the inferno he had created. "Cool story," he said, being all that he felt was needed to reply with.

The owner of the pile of ash facehoofed after the other had finished speaking. It really was ridiculous what the ponies of the world were coming to. Hoping to make him feel even slightly guilty for his actions, the blonde stallion decided to take another approach to the situation at hoof.

"Do you realize how many bits those are worth?" he asked, incredibly inquisitively.

"No," the mysterious earth pony replied after a moment of pause, the flames now beginning to spread to the grass surrounding the blaze.

"Thousands," he informed, "Hundreds. Of thousands." Upon completing his statement, he began to use his unicorn levitation to pull dew from the grass to toss at the spreading flames, but to little avail. As soon as they were out, they were ignited again from the radiating heat. "Gaahh," he complained, "What were you thinking?"

As if not hearing him- or perhaps not caring- the brown stallion began walking circles around him and the still burning tree. After a third pass, the unicorn could no longer take the lack of response.

"Hey. Hey! I'm asking you a question!" he informed harshly.

"What is it?" the other asked, seemingly curious as to what was so important that tree's owner needed to be heard.

"Ugh. Forget it. Are you ignorant, or just plain stupid?" the unicorn asked, attempting the insult route in hopes of making some ground with the stranger. To his discontent, however, a bit of ground was definitely made.

"It's that I don't care for others' property."

The unicorn couldn't help but let his jaw drop a bit as he shook his head in digust and lack of hope for pony-kind. Quickly regaining his closed-faced composure, he soon retorted. "Obviously. Would you consider your face your property?"

Seemingly unaware of his query yet again, the stranger trotted along into Ponyville, the blue unicorn in pursuit. Upon reaching the main road of Ponyville, Saddle Street, he repeated his question. "Hey, pyromaniac. Would you consider your face your property?" he asked again, praying for a reply.

"No," was all the strange pony replied with before igniting the sleeve of his own vest on fire. After doing so, he began trotting down the sidewalk of the peaceful Ponyville parkway and began burning the boisterous buildings blatantly. As this sight hit the blue unicorn's eyes, he decided it was time to put a stop to his shenanigans.

"Good, then it belongs to me," he started, "and I think I'm gonna collect the insurance money on it."

When his statement came to a close, he used a forehoof to extinguish the offending vest sleeve. Once the fire hazard was gone, he took the opposite forehoof and slapped the stranger across the face with brute force; the impact resembling the sound of thunder cracking.

The stranger this time decided to strike back, not wanting to take such violence from the stallion in front of him. In a simple movement, he took the shoulders of the unicorn and used them to shove him into one of the lit buildings. The flames did not have time to hurt the stallion, however, as he jumped away out of reflex and batted all of the sparks down with ease before sitting to check himself for any burns.

The anger that resided in him at the time of his lovely tree burning to the ground was elation compared to his current disposition. Not only was the stranger destroying the things he loved, he was now going to destroy all of Ponyville were he not stopped. The unicorn was no longer going to stand for this outrage, for these very crimes against all of pony-kind. Drastic measures were now to be taken.

"Alright. This has gone far enough."

In a very slow, quite dramatic motion, the unicorn made his way to all fours. The other stallion looked back to him, and turned to face him as he saw the tree's owner still easily alive and unharmed. There were tens of ponies on the streets watching the sequence of events, and desperately trying to bat flames away from their own shops and homes. It no longer mattered to the blonde stallion who was watching, he had had enough.

From behind his back, the unicorn pulled quite a foreign weapon. A sawed-off 12-gauge shotgun was produced from the thin air behind him, and aiming carefully at the pyro-pony, he pulled both triggers simultaneously- mainly out of the fact that hooves cannot fit inside of a trigger guard. Nearly every pellet made contact with the pony's chest, blood dispersing from the massive wound in both directions. As the dangerous pony landed face-first in a massive, daunting puddle of his own blood, the tree's grieved owner spoke out for all of the shocked onlookers to hear.

"Catch phrase."

With little movement, his horn sparked and pulled hundreds of gallons of any non-flamable liquid from the nearby spa. The buildings were quickly put out by the mass of moist mending, and the unicorn turned with a hung head and heavy heart to head back to his marefriends cottage.

Much grieving was to be done.

Author's Note

This story was done in an hour, simply because of an out-of-nowhere Omegle RP that my morning brain found entertaining. I would not suggest this story be taken seriously in any way, especially since I wrote it so early this morning. I'm merely posting it for a spot of fun. Here's what went down:
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say merry Christmas!
You and the stranger both like My little pony.
You: Hey there
Stranger: Hi *burns a tree*
You: DUDE!
Stranger: What
You: My Japanese Cherry Tree..
You: Do you realize what you just burned???
Stranger: *its falls over*
Stranger: Nope
You: THATS A JAPANESE CHERRY TREE
You: Those are from a different PLANET
Stranger: Cool story
You: Do you realize how many bits those are worth??
Stranger: No *fire spreads*
You: Thousands. HUNDREDS. Of thousands.
You: *Attempts to put fire out with magic, to little avail*
Stranger: *it goes back to town*
You: Gaahh. What were you thinking!?
Stranger: *starts walking around*
You: Hey. Hey! I'm asking you a question!
Stranger: What is it
You: Ugh. Forget it. Are you ignorant? Or just plain stupid?
Stranger: It's thAt I don't care for others property
You: Obviously. Would you consider your face your property?
Stranger: *goes to town*
You: Hey. Pyromaniac. Would you consider your FACE your property?
Stranger: No
Stranger: *ignites sleave*
Stranger: *touches buildings*
You: Good, then it belongs to me. And I think I'm gonna collect the insurance money on it. *pulls you over, puts out your sleeve, and slaps you in the face with brute force.
You: *
Stranger: *grabs you and pushes you Into a building*
You: Alright, this has gone far enough. *Pulls self up, and reveals a sawed-off 12 gauge shotgun, and shoots you in the chest with both barrels*
You: Catch phrase.
You: *puts out buildings*
You have disconnected.