Merry F*cking Christmas

by thevoice

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Rarity, Other, Adventure
Length: 1296

Twilight has the best Christmas ever.

Twilight Sparkle and Rarity tries Ecstasy on Christmas. Shit happens.

*Based on a true story.

Published 2012-12-26 10:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-26 10:20:01 UTC

Merry F*cking Christmas

Merry F*cking Christmas

Twilight and Rarity sat in Twilight's bedroom listening to Dope , playing Nazi Zombies, and drinking Mexican beer.

"Fuck tha Police!" Twilight yelled as she blew a zombie up with the ray gun "Take that you cock - sucking mother fuckers!"

"Twilight, we have a problem, we are out of beer." Rarity said

"I don't give a fu- wait, Oh shit, beer? Now I do ive fuck. What do we do? We CANNOT spend Christmas sober!" Twilight said, panic slightly visible in her voice.

"It's ok, I got this." Rarity said as she pulled a pill bottle out of her mane. "This shit is twice as good."

"Rarity, is that ecstasy? I've never tried that before, I would rather not spend Christmas in jail getting raped by some big sweaty Mexican." Twilight said, nervous at the thought of something bad happening.

"Oh come on Twilight, I've seen your search history, plus nothing will happen you have my word." Rarity said in a reassuring tone. "Now join in or not, I don't give a fuck, but i'm doing it." Rarity said as she took a tablet.

"O.k. fine, just once couldn't hurt right?" Twilight said, tacking a pill and swallowing it. They two pony pals spent the next hour playing Call of Duty waiting for the E to work.

About an hour later Twilight started looking at her hoof.

"Hey Rarity, my hooves feel so, ice creamish." Twilight said, her hooves sounded like Ice Cream.

"I wanna shoot something, like, badly." Rarity said, rubbing her cheeks.

"I do to, how about these beer bottles? her is a ledge by my other TV. As long as we hit they wont hurt the tv, right?" Twilight said.

"I don't think so." Rarity said as she walked to Twilight's gun safe and opened it easily.

"How do you know the password?" Twilight asked, trying to get the chocolate cookies off her hoof.

"I look over your shoulder, besides, 12345 isn't that good of a combo." Rarity said with a giggle as she spun open the safe and pulled out an AR-15 and a .45, set them down on the dresser and loaded them both up. "You set the bottles up, I got to go pee." Rarity said as she walked to the bathroom, .45 in hand, er, hoof.

Twilight just nodded as she took the bottles downstairs and set them up in front of the T.V. when she heard gunshots coming from the bathroom she nearly pissed herself as Rarity walked downstairs.

"What in the name of Doctor Who's ball sack was that?" Twilight gasped.

Rarity huffed "That bitch in the mirror called me a dirty towel head!"

Twilight was shocked, "But, your a Mormon."

"That's why it hurt!" Rarity slurred. "Anyway, you ready to do this bitch!" Rarity said exited as she raised the AR-15 and shot a bottle, nearly hitting Twilight's ear.

"God dammit! wait until i'm out of the way!" Twilight yelled ducking out of the way.

"Let's fuck shit up!" Rarity yelled blasting away at the beer bottles, hitting them all and also spraying the t.v. with bullets until she heard a click.

"Oh shit!" Twilight said, "we have to hide the guns, my mom is coming over for Christmas tomorrow and she is going to be pissed.."

" O.k., I'm on it!" Rarity said as she ran upstairs. Upon reaching Twilight's room she bucked down the door and threw the guns onto the bed, covering them with a blanket when she notice My little human was on. "Oh shit, my favorite human is on!" Rarity yelled as she tried to hug the tv, only to pull ti off the wall accidentily. "Fuck." She muttered as she backed away from the shattered tv.

"I'm hungry as shit." Twilight said as she saw Rarity coming down the stairs.

"Me to, lets go to Martin's" Rarity said.

And go to Martin's they did! They didn't take a carriage because driving under the influence is bad and dangerous! And as you can see they are the pictures of safety.

Stumbling across the sidewalk and yelling sexual insults at various passersby they eventually made it to Martin's and imediatly went to the fruit section and got five pounds of kumquats, paid, sexually harassed the checkout lady and left, eating kumquats by the hoofful.

When the duo got home Twilight went to the computer and sent messages to her best internet friend (You know who you are ;) and turned on Dope's cover of Rebel Yell while Rarity went to get a class of water from the water cooler.

"FUCKING PIECE OF COCK SUCKING GANG RAPING ASS REAMING COMMUNIST SHIT!" Rarity said as she bucked the water cooler over onto it's side and started stomping on it.

"Rarity! What the high holy fuck are you doing?" Twilight said as she rushed into the kitchen, knocking the bags of Kumquats onto the floor. "What the fuck pony? I needed that!" Twilight said.

"Don't sweat it, Let's just get a new one." Rarity said as she lapped up the water that leaked from if.

"Fine." Twilight said as she and Rarity grabbed their coats and started walking to the store.

On the way to the store some moral-fag must have been offended by two grown ponies smelling of alcohol and on Ecstasy while singing "Kill the fucking enemy" over and over as it was the only part of the song they could remember at the time because soon two police ponies (One was a very attractive mare) pulled up and started asking questions.

"So." The first Police Pony said. "Have you two been drinking."

"Of course not." Twilight said.

"Could you please say the alphabet backwards please?" The hot mare police pony said.

"God dammit, I can't even do that sober! How about we have sex instead?" Twilight said, her eyes never leaving the police ponies chest.

"Just like I thought, could you two please get in the back please?" The police mare asked.

"Fine." Twilight said. "Run Rarity! We need those fucking water coolers!" Twilight yelled as Rarity made a break for it, only to be tazed and tossed into the back seat, her face landing in Twilight's crouch.

"Rarity, As much as I have fantasized about this moment I don't think this is the right place." Twilight said.

"What was that Twilight?" Rarity said, not hearing Twilight the first time.

"Oh nothing! Nothing at all!" Twilight said blushing.

"Oh ok then." Rarity said, and then passed out in Twilight's lap imediatly.

Twilight stayed awake for the ride to the police station and then walked into the drunk tank, asked the hot officer for sex and complimented her chest, and then passed out on the floor.

EPILOGUE

Rarity woke up first, went to Walmart, bought two water coolers because she's a smart-ass bitch went to Twilight's house, and passed out on the couch.

Twilight woke up went home, came home found the living room covered in Kumquats, bullet casings, and broken glass, saw his broken TV. went upstairs, fell onto her bed, hit the guns (Unloaded) got upm threw them onto the floor, and passed out.

When she woke up she searched her back pocket, found a phone number, sent a message to it, found out it was the hot police pony, talked a bit, invited her over and the had great sex.

Stop here for happy ending.Keep reading for bad ending.

Then Twilight's mom came over for the holiday, walked in, nearly had a panic attack, walked upstairs, saw Twilight asleep with the hot police pony (who's clothes including uniform were on the floor) Started screaming and grounded the poor pony. Which really didn't do anything seeing how almost everything electronic was destroyed in the night.

Fin.