Jay Ross and the Peculiar Pony People

by Watermelons

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Main 6, Other, Comedy, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Discord
Length: 2357

Detective Jay Ross and his partner Carlotta Hume have been given an odd assignment by their boss Tia Celes: to find the team studying the odd case of the people in Pineville. Will the secret of the town unravel, or will the duo face terrible fate?

Jay Ross is a junior Detective of the Centerlot Investigation Agency, the head honcho named Tia Celes. Jay is known for being young, inexperienced, and quite stupid. In fact, the opposite of his partner, Carlotta Hume. Bearing the proud name of Special Agent, Carlotta Hume, who Jay affectionately nicknames "Carla", has fourteen years of work under her belt along with the ability to keep a cool head in tough situations. The pair is actually very popular in the agency, their fame (or infamy to some) stemming from Carlotta's sixty-yard dash to catch a criminal to how Jay stopped a gang of thieves by spilling hot chocolate on himself. One day, Tia gives the two an odd assignment: to track down a research team studying the population of nearby Pineville. Recently, the town was inflicted with an odd plague, where each and every individual began to hallucinate that they were... Ponies. Sweet, little ponies. Acting upon the phenomenon, Tia sent in four sociologists and three researchers to record data. That was two months ago, and not a single word from the team. Jay's and Carlotta's job is simple enough, to get in, find the team, and get out. The couple automatically accept this quest.

Upon actually doing the quest, Jay and Carlotta slowly unwrap the true history of the disease and the dark truth about the town. As they dig deeper, they find out that the disease was actually humanly created by a man named Dennis Cord, a former scientist who was fired on suspicions of being a madman. Presumed to be dead until this point, Jay finds out Dennis was only thought to be dead because Tia has an actual hand in the sickness in the town. Jay and Carlotta travel back to the agency and confront Tia about this, who in turns attempts to use bribery, mind games, and finally brute force to persuade them to never talk about the incident. After knocking out half the personnel, Carlotta manages to get the information from Tia at gunpoint. Now fugitives, the duo race back to Pineville, tracking down Dennis and forcing him to revert the chemical process causing the hallucinations, returning the place to normal with only minutes to spare. The police then kick in the door and arrest all three. With an entire town of people as witnesses, Tia, Dennis, and anyone knowing the experiment were put behind bars. Jay and Carlotta receive worldwide attention, and are given medals for their acts of valor against all odds. Ironically, the greenhorn becomes the new head of the agency, his partner - and co-boss - at his side.

Published 2012-12-26 18:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-26 18:30:01 UTC

Pineville

The unwelcome sunlight crept through the right front window of the musty car. Like swords, it pierced through the eyelids of Jay Ross, Detective to the county of Conquestria, named after the man who discovered this land so many years ago. Sadly, Mr. Conquestria isn't relevant to this story. He's dead.

Jay's eyelids fluttered for a few seconds, before closing again. They shot wide open a minute later when Carlotta Hume, Jay's partner, decided to yell into his ear as loud as she could - because why not? "HEY, JAYYYY!"
"Oh, God! What the hell was that, Carla?!" Jay shouted. She yelled back, "Manual alarm clock!" Seeing she startled him, in a quieter voice she said, "Get up, Jay. We're here." Finally gaining his bearings, and remembering the assignment he was given, he groggily got up, his right ear still ringing like a thousand bells. The car door slamming behind him and his eyes half-closed from the light, Jay looked towards the quiet town on the horizon. "Well, here we are."

Pineville. 417 men, 510 women and 382 children. Each and every one of the bastards thinks he or she is some kind of horse. They call it the Equine epidemic. Recently, the government brought in a team of three scientists and four psychologists. That was two months ago, and not a single word relayed from the team. Now we got an assignment - find the team, wether they're dead or alive.

The walk to the town was short, but long enough for a conversation. "Hey, Carla."
"Yeah, Jay?"
"About this equine disease thing... You think it's true?"
"Well, if it weren't, we would've heard from the research team."
"...I think they're dead."
"No, they aren't dead. No way. They assigned fully-trained military soldiers and-"
"Jesus, Carla, if they weren't in trouble we wouldn't be here."
"Whatever. I still think they're not dead."
"Yeah, but... Oh. We're here."
"We need to get to the town hall. Did you bring the map?"
"Nah, but there's a resident. Let's ask her."

The young woman Jay referenced was strikingly beautiful, her hair puffed up like cotton candy. She had a small gator on her right shoulder. Approaching her, Jay asked, "Hey, do you know how to get to town hall?" The girl simply stared at him blankly, as if she was dumbfounded someone didn't know where town hall was. Jay tried again. "Uh... Hello? Can you direct me to the t-" The pink-haired girl suddenly gasped as loud as a revved up F1 Model vacuum cleaner and ran to a nearby house. The detective simply stood there, dumbfounded. "Good job," Carlotta cracked, grinning like a Halloween pumpkin. Red as a tomato, Jay stomped to the house, fuming. "Let's just follow her. The door's unlocked."

The door creaked open, its sound like something from a horror movie. It revealed a pitch-black room, the gator from the girl's shoulder right in the middle of it, not blinking. Just staring. Jay looked inside a few brief seconds, then said, "Ladies first."

"Pfft. Pussy."
The two of them walked in, guns drawn and hearts beating loud as drums. They surveyed the area, darkness slowly surrounding the duo. Suddenly, a click is heard, and the two are blinded by light. "Jay! What was that?"
"I-I don't know, Carla! I don't-"
And then out of nowhere, a dark, unforgiving voice echoed through the room.
"Surprise."

Like all other brave men do, Jay screamed like a little girl that just saw seventeen monsters under her bed, ran into a wall, and passed out. Carlotta, however, kept her composure. What she saw amazed her. The walls were covered in party decorations, ranging from balloons to banners and fliers. From one end of the room to the other, people filled the gaps and spaces so much it was hard to breathe. Out of the blue, the pink-haired girl popped in front of Carlotta, happy as can be. "Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie! But you can just call me Pinkie Pie! I saw you and your friend and I was like, 'Hey, I don't know these two! They must be new! We should have a party for them!' And so I did! Do you like it? Huh? Do you do you?" Her mouth was more of a movie stuck on fast forward than an actual mouth, with her lips making a loud, buzzing noise the way she was talking.
Carlotta could barely keep up. "Now, now let's slow down a-"

"Anyway, did you know how hard it was to gather everyone at a short notice? I had, like, twelve seconds! But it's okay, the whole town's here! I hope you like the party! Then again, who dislikes parties? No one, that's who!"

"Look, Ms. Pie, I need to ask a few que-"

"I mean, seriously, the hardest part was pumping up those balloons! I accidentally sucked one up and now my voice is, like, twice as high! Oh, but it's okay! You don't mind, right?"

"Ms. Pi-"

"Oh no, I forgot the cake! It's okay though, I'll make another cake superduperfrupertuperguperluper times more delicious! How many 'upers' is that?" Carlotta had heard enough from her.

"Ms. Pie, if you want this to be a good party, you'll shut your mouth right now and answer my questions."

Rudely interrupted, Pinkie groaned, fell on her rump, and said, "Fiiiiiiine. Lay it on me."

"I'd like you to answer some questions," said Carlotta. Somehow forgetting she was in the middle of a party, she added, "And in private." Pinkie didn't seem to mind, and after exclaiming, "Okie dokie loki!" led the bewildered investigator to a quiet bedroom. Once there, Carlotta gathered her thoughts, then began asking questions. "Where do you live, Ms. Pie?
Quite puzzled, the bubble-gum hair colored individual asked, "Is this a test or something?"
"Huh? N... No. Just answer the questions, please."
"What happens if I fail!? I'm too young to go to prison!"
"Please cooperate or I'll arrest you myself."
"I live in Ponyville, which is on Equestria, which is on the world!"
"Uh, alright... Occupation?"
"Baking assistant at Sugarcube Corner."
"Age?"
"I have no idea."
"...Okay."

Jay finally woke up, his vision blurry. To his right, a bunny rabbit. To the left, a bunch of other animals. And right in front of him, a cute, well endowed girl. She had an ice pack in one hand. Still under the effects of drowsiness hindering him, Jay slurred, "Is... Is it dinner time yet, Mom?" The voice that answered back was sweet, timid, and arousing. Definitely not his mother. "Uh... N-no. Dinner time is in... Um... In two hours. So please, hold still. If... If that's fine with you, I mean." Jay couldn't believe it. Was an angel taking care of him? Or was it a goddess? He had to know for himself. He positioned himself upright on the bed, and was met with the prettiest face he had ever laid eyes on. "Woah. ...Wow."

This let a giggle escape from the girl's mouth, only to be closed again by her right hand. "What's your name, sweetie?" Jay asked. "It's Fluttershy. Call me Fluttershy."
"Wow, what a cute name. Just like the girl," was all Jay could think. "She's like
SLAM! The opening of the door was so violent Jay's thought couldn't put the quotation mark at the end. "Yo, Fluttershy, I ran out of cloud cleaner. You got any?" The girl that basically erupted through the door was nothing like the rose-color haired woman sitting in front of Jay. Her hair was raggedy, her body was covered in dirt, and her hair was in seven different colors. The aggressive young woman looked at Jay for a bit, then pointed accusingly and said, "Jeez, Fluttershy, your boyfriend sure is ugly!"

It's pretty debatable on who's face went redder, Jay's from anger or Fluttershy's from embarrassment. "Oh, Dashie! This... This isn't what it looks like!"
"Well, you better explain why the heck there's a weird dude sleeping in your bed!"
"I found him passed out! Th-that's it, I promise!"
"A likely story, Little Miss Fluttershy!"
Jay had next to no idea what was happening. He needed a way to escape, and used his powers of speech. "Uh, ladies? If you don't mind, I'm gonna get some fresh air, for, uh, you know, forever. 'Kay, bye." The two ladies too heated up in their argument, Jay slipped away and sprinted into the forest, the voices of the two bickerers fading into the distance.

For several hours, the young detective walked through the maze of trees, getting more and more lost by the second. He was getting thirsty, and sleepy. Most of all, he was hungry. At this point, Jay wished he was back in Fluttershy's bed, fast asleep. That's when he saw her. Across from him was a girl- no, a lady, her lavender lock of hair eccentrically reflecting light from the golden rays of sun. She had a basket of fabrics in one hand, and a cat in the other. Ugh. Jay hated cats, he was allergic to the little furballs. He'd take the risk of getting puffy-cheeked to talk to this beauty, though.

Jay ran to the purple-haired wonder, gasping out, "Hey! You! I need some help!" Startled, she looked back, to see this... This BARBARIAN yelling at her, running her way. She shrieked, but didn't try to escape, as she had once read a book that stated running away would only make them more antsy. Finally reaching her and catching his breath, Jay said between sighs, "How do... I get out... Of this forest?"

Realizing it wasn't some kind of werewolf, and now genuinely concerned, the purple-haired girl gave directions, and before she could say anything else, Jay said "Thanks!" and sprinted off again. "What a strange stallion," was all she could think.

Rarity got to Fluttershy's house, still perplexed. When she opened the door, she found two mares arguing their heads off. "So you admit it!"
"I-I'm telling you I found him like tha-"
"In the middle of one of PINKIE'S parties? I don't think so, Pinkie doesn't give any alcohol during her parties!"
"He was still p-passed out! Don't ask me why he... Oh. Hello, Rarity. Please, come in."
Wide-eyed and confused, Rarity exclaimed, "My word! What must be such a problem dear little Fluttershy would start yelling? And with Rainbow Dash, of all people!"
Dash answered calmly, "I was cleaning my house, and I ran out of cloud cleaner, right? So I go to Fluttershy's house, and instead I found a dude sleeping in her bed." Rarity tried to comprehend it, but instead said, "Ephflhauwo WHAT!? Fluttershy, YOU of all ponies to-"
"I keep telling you, I found him all banged up in one of Pinkie's parties! Why won't anypony listen to me?" Fluttershy cried out, her eyes beginning to tear up. At this point, Rainbow Dash wasn't so in the arguable mood anymore.
"Okay, okay... I'm sorry, Fluttershy. Hey, where is he, anyway?"
"I... I dunno."
"He... didn't happen to have brown hair, did he not?"
"Huh? How'd you know, Rarity?"
"That ruffian asked me for directions out of Everfree Forest."
"That little...! I'm gonna go track down the dweeb. I have questions, and he has the answers."
"Like?"
"How we have NO idea who he is, what he's doing here, that kinda stuff."
"Then... Th-Then I'm coming, too."
"As am I."
"Alright, then. Execute Plan Let's-Go-Find-The-Creepy-Stallion!"
"Can we change that to a more... Appropriate name?"

Exhausted, Jay finally found Carlotta, who was sitting on a bench by a pond. She wasn't faring much better than he was. "Hey, Carla. How was whatever you were doing?"
"Pretty bad. You know the one we saw when we got here? I got her to answer questions. The girl wouldn't shut up... I got her to give the pass code to the town's archives, though."
"How did she have the code to the... You know what, never mind. You look her up in the identity database?"
"Yeah, real name is Pinkamena Diane Pie. Lives with one Steven Thake and Melissa Thake."
"Cool."
"She's also a baking assistant."
"Okay."
"Taken residence in Sugarcube Corner."
"Awesome."
"Lives in the northern state of the Fifth Dimension of World 75..."
"Mhm."
"Also, they have a pet dragon from Narnia."
"That's nice."
"Are you even listening?"
"That's pretty cool. Hey, can I borrow the computer?"
Carlotta was reluctant, but gave the laptop to her colleague.

He smoothly pulled out the agency's archives and compared it to the town's. The two ladies on the town archives, who were probably still arguing, were named Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, occupations veterinarian and unemployed, respectively. The agency, however, states these two individuals were named Fia Sy and Reina Das, two psychologists paired to serve as the "good cop, bad cop" routine. The duo was related to Pinkamena and three others: Terra Sokkle, a librarian/Tia Celes' first hand assistant, Alyssa Jacks, a farmhand/sociologist, and Aurora Tee, a well-known entrepreneur/co-head researcher. How they were tied together surprised the detective, as they were all undercover agents working for the agency Jay belonged to. Could this be the team they were searching for...? No. That only makes six. They needed seven.

Further digging, however, brought up a seventh, locked profile. It belonged to the head of the research team. A bit of (legal) hacking and entering later, Jay stared, mouth wide open, at the name that was displayed on the screen.

"HEAD RESEARCH SCIENTIST ON PROJECT EQUINE: DENNIS CORD"

Carlotta was surprised when she saw her friend's mouth drop wide open. "Hey, Jay? You okay?"
"I... I think we found our research team."

Author's Note

Instead of "this fu**ing sucked" or "awesome" comments, please tell me what about the story that made you create the opinion. Example: "There were too many commas, and two parts of the story, x and y, didn't match up. tl;dr lern 2 story." I'm new to this, and wish to become the best I can be, so grow a backbone and yell at me as much as possible. Oh, and enjoy the story!