The Incredibly Stressful Life of a Ponyvillian Changeling

by That One Guy

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Spa Ponies, Sex, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Changelings
Length: 4458

Sometimes, the stress of helping bickering couples is a bit too much - and what better way for a changeling to relax than a day at the spa?

Sometimes, Spotlight - or, Psych Ologist, as known by the masses - needs some time to unwind.
And, between bickering couples, Cloud Kicker's horrible aura of train-wreckery and the Cutie Mark Crusader Lemonade Fabricators, 'unwinding' may need a little more than the typical 'Two' he gets from his friends at the Spa.
No, this time, he's getting a Four.
Oh yeah, things just got serious.

Non-canon oneshot set in the Winningverse ~ Title for Chono

Published 2013-01-08 21:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-08 21:00:02 UTC

The Changeling Who Totally Got a Four

“No, take five hundred, we insist,” said the first mare – a boring-colored earth pony named Octavia – as she dropped a sack of bits (slightly) heavier than my pet raccoon on my old little desk, “After all you’ve done for us, it’s the absolute least we could do!”

The other mare, a unicorn, (the one wearing the strange, purple sunglasses with the punched-out left lens) nodded in unwavering agreement. Both of the mares’ faces were stained with tears, but determination, caring, and most of all love shone fiercely from their eyes.

I nodded, almost sagely.

“It was no trouble, Miss Philharmonica,” I replied smoothly to the first mare, “Miss Scratch,” to the second. The duo grinned eagerly, wrapped a hoof around each other’s barrels, and trotted out of my humble place of work – the most popular counseling center on this side of Equestria – as happy as lovers could be.

I let my back fall into my fuzzy chair with a soft ‘plomp’, and let the bits drop into a drawer with a hard ‘clunk’.

That couldn’t have been easier! Those two just argued – granted, they argued for six hours and almost attacked each other more times than I care to remember – but let out their anger without any help at all from me, and then they made up!

I grinned, despite myself.

And out. For nearly five minutes, too.

With a little shake and nod, I threw my wing-clad self over the desk, slipped over to the huge double door, and peeked out. Who would be the next fortunate pair to need my help in the field of relationship repa-

“I’m telling you Cloud Kicker, we need this!”

On looking straight up, I’m pretty sure my heart stopped beating for a few precious seconds.

“I dunno guys, doesn’t this seem…” said an uncomfortably close (thirty feet and closing!) gray pegasus, decorated with a cloud-and-sun cutie mark, sandwiched inbetween a similarly-colored one and a white one, “… kinda silly? Paying two hundred bits each for something that might work?”

“Come on, Cloud Kicker!” replied the other gray one, a mare with bubbles adorning her flank, “Everyone says Psych is really good at fixing these kinds of… Issues.”

The white one nodded. “Besides, if not for all three of us, Derpy and I have some things to sort out. Come on, this’ll be perfect!”

The one in the middle – Cloud Kicker – sighed. “All right, all right, let’s get this over… With?”

The three mares plopped to the ground in front of the huge doormat that read out ‘Psych’s Relationship Repairs’. The white one – Blossomforth, I think – knocked once on the mercifully opaque door and tried to squint through it. They looked at the ‘closed’ sign for a good twenty seconds.

“Huh.” Said Cloud Kicker, blinking.

“Oh.” Replied Blossomforth, giving a frown, “I could’ve sworn he’d be open at this time of day, on a Tuesday, no less.”

“Maybe some other time?” Suggested Derpy Hooves, flexing her wings once before leaping back into the air, “I don’t have two hundred bits on me, anyway…”

“Yeah, let’s get going.”

“I guess...”

...

Silence.

I waited two whole minutes before I let myself out of the closet, shuddering visibly.

No. Never. Never ever. Just being near that emotional trainwreck of a mare was enough to make me quit being a relationship repairspony, quit being a citizen of Ponyville, heck, even quit making 'Pysch' a uni… corn…

I reached up and felt the smoothness of my forehead, and rustled my wings once.

… Mother bucker.

Stress. Ah, that signature emotion of the pony race. The way it smashed through the skull, coursed through the veins, and generally made one’s outlook on life a horrible, dreadful mess.

Which made visiting that one friend who co-owned the spa a very appealing option.

As it stands though, I just paraded through four couples and a trio as a winged Psych Ology, world-famous unicorn relationship councilor. Thankfully I didn’t have the horn, too, but even so… Having nopony notice was a miracle in itself.

I passed by the rightly infamous trio of foals sitting outside in the blistering heat of mid-summertime, smacking with hammers at a makeshift lemonade stand that was, oddly enough, devoid of all other life forms. With a show of pity, I tossed them a shiny little bit and took one of the plastic cups, swigging it down without hesitation. It was only afterwards I noticed that the filly with the bow in her hair a foot from my leg, hoof extended as if to stop me, with three sets of bulging eyes gazing in horror at the empty cup.

I wasn't even surprised when I felt my eyes roll back and my tan-colored hide hit the ground.

Ah, stress.

Sure, they had managed to revive me with several gallons of water, a spoon, two bottles of aspirin and a paramedic before I had dropped into a coma.

Sure, they had apologized fiercely and groveled at my hooves until I begrudgingly forgave them for accidently drugging me with several semi-volatile compounds and a four-hundred-year-old bottle of Applejackdaniels that hadn’t been properly sealed.

Sure, I was now fed for a week and a half from the town’s pity alone.

But by Celestia I was going to need a Four.

After finally managing to cross into the oil-scented air of the Ponyville Spa, I finally let out a smile. I had none of the magical headaches caused by a horn, none of the horrible wing-aches that were ever-present with the things, and none of the muscular strain that usually came with earth pony jobs. All I needed was some stress relief.

I rang the bell. Giggling could be heard behind the glimmering silver curtain that obscured the lodging area of the spa from the work area.

Give it up, girls, nothing you’ve ever tried has worked on me.

Not fifteen seconds later, a light cerulean mare with a brilliant pink mane – tied up with the signature spa hairband – trotted from behind the cloth barrier, eyelashes fluttering innocently. On seeing me, she gave a smile and pulled out a little notepad.

“Why hello, Spotlight! It’s a pleasure seeing you again, would you care for a Two, as usual?”

Not even close.

“Why, aren’t we on a first name basis yet?” I asked in mock shock, dramatically draping a hoof over my forehead, mental strain gleefully forgotten in the moment, “After all, you’ve known me for months now!”

Suspenseful pauseee…

“… Isn’t that right, *Aloe*?”

The mare froze in place. She gave me a confused glance, to which I grinned widely. She held that look for two more hopeful seconds, then dropped into a slump and half-pouted.

“How could you tell?” She asked in a completely different tone of voice, sounding mildly frustrated, “We had it perfect, this time!”

I chuckled, reaching over and probing a spot on her mane.

“Nice try – the coat nearly got me, for a second there – but the blue in your hair does not take to pink well.” I stated, waving a stray lock in front of her eyes, “Plus, you called me ‘Spotlight’; Your sister keeps using ‘Mister Light’ when she wants to be formal.”

Finally, she laughed. “Nothing gets by you, Spotty. And I was so sure that these full-body paints would do it, this time!” The Lotus impostor – Aloe – shook her head amid another snicker, “Anyways though, will you be having another Treatment Two this time?”

Out of habit, I almost nodded. And then I remembered six hours of yelling, my near-Cloud Kicker-experience and my encounter with the Crusaders.

“As much as I’d love to, I think I’ll have to go for a Four, this time.” I gave her a sympathetic gaze, “I promise I won’t bother you two with it for a while more, it’s just today…” I grappled with the words for a moment, “… Hasn’t been the smoothest of days.”

Aloe rolled her eyes, and I was almost offended, before I remembered how close we were. I may have been able to see through it, but I’d be lying if I said that she didn’t look a bit too much like her twin with the paints on.

“I swear though, I won’t be like all those other stallions who try turning Fours into… You know…” The words seemed to leave me.

Why did I feel so awkward all of a sudden? Given how often my clients talk about it, I really shouldn’t-

“… Who try turning Fours into, quote-unquote, the fabled Happy Ending Treatment?” She laughed again, “Don’t worry about it, Spot! I trust you more than that.”

I enjoyed the happy silence for a few seconds, the blush that soon flooded her face being infinitely amusing.

“That is, we trust you more than that! Because Fours need both of us! Yes!” She sputtered out just a bit too late, trying to cleanse the compassionate from her face. Aloe was adorable when she tried to hide her crush on me. “Anyway, head down to your room. Room six! That is. Yeah.”

I chuckled and hoofed over the cost of a Four – slightly more than what I earned for helping a single couple – plus some extra because I could, to Aloe, who rushed it behind the big silver drape as fast as her heavily embarrassed self could.
It was pretty obvious that Aloe and I were close. The pink-coated earth pony was one of the first ones to readily welcome in newcomers after the Canterlot fiasco, and we had formed a very close friendship in a matter of weeks. Less than a month from first learning her name, I revealed to her my real face – it was simply the right thing to do.

All things considered, she took it pretty well. After it was firmly established that I hadn’t kidnapped some nonexistent stallion named Spotlight and replaced him over the course of the month, I felt her friendship for me gradually strengthen into something much more. The feelings she soon felt for me could be summed up into a simple, four-letter word that began with the letter ‘l’.

...

You guessed it, lust.

In a completely unrelated train of thought, that was why her twin sister (a palette-swapped mare named Lotus) and I got off on the wrong foot - To be fair though, I'd also be pretty peeved if I walked in after a three-month-long vacation to the horrible, frosty town of Trotondo and found my sister banging a changeling on the front desk. I healed up fine, and apologies were tossed around, but ever since, Lotus has been a bit reluctant to get to know me. This may have been due to the whole ‘eew he’s a changeling’ thing, but was probably because her sister spilled the beans to her that she had a crush on me on the very first day. While I was lying right there, twitching but semi-coherent, in the corner across from where the cerulean-coated mare had hit me over the head with a chair from the lobby. Repeatidly.

As it stands, I wasn’t going to pressure her on it; hassle-free love energy was great, after all.

Not that I’ll shoot her down if she comes up and asks me on a date. I do kinda like her, as a good friend, after all, and whatever makes her happier…

”Ahem.”

I blinked back into reality from the land of my innermost thoughts, and found myself face to face with the twins. Both of the spa ponies were still blue-pelted and pink-maned, and they wore identical blushes on their faces, probably for vastly different reasons. Their manes were let down, and the only décor they had on were their strange, cloth-like spa necklaces – fortunately, Aloe’s still had that cerulean-colored dot on it that went a ways to identify her. Both of the mares were lathered from head to tail in glistening massage oil, and it was clear from the bucket each of them held that I was soon to get my own dosage.

Well, that’s quite the blatant reminder as to why everypony expects a ‘Happy Ending’ from a four. Thank goodness Fours are so expensive, or else I doubt that-

My train of thought was interrupted as the first bucket of cold oil released its contents upon my face. I made a noise not unlike a half-drowned cat.

“Now now, Mister Light, it’s not nice to tune out your masseuses on a Four…” Began the blushing pony on the left as she pulled off both her own and her sister’s necklaces, tossing them to the floor and temporarily confusing my addled brain.

Oh this is low. Well played, girls, well played.

“… Now how about you be a dear, Spotlight, and drop the disguise…” Continued the one on the right, gently hefting her bucket.

“… We just know that you like our treatments when you can really feel them…” They finished in unison. I’m pretty sure any normal stallion would’ve broken by this point, with the oil-coated twins talking in purposely seductive harmony (every single time, they tried to get a specific reaction from me, if only to annoy), but not I! I was strong! Emotions like 'aroused' were beneath me!

... Putting up with several hours of angry sex buddies ranting at both myself and each other four times a day tended to have that effect...

“G-girls,” I said, silently cursing myself for letting the ‘g’ slip – I was supposed to be above this! “Tone it down a little, please? I thought you didn’t do Happy Endings…”

The two slippery mares crossed around behind the room as steam began to rise in from the valves on the floor, switching the bucket as they did so.

Oh sweet Celestia why do they have to be the same color, and the color of the sister I *wasn’t* super-close to, at that?

“This is the part where you show us the real spotlight, Spotty,” Said one as she deftly gripped my shoulders and eased me down onto my stomach, hooves running down my shoulders in an experienced way, “We just know you like it better when you can feel our hooves on your…” a pause, “exoskeleton…?”

Aha, so that one isn’t Aloe! Because Aloe knows that I don't call it that. Ever. Yes.

Okay so coherency whilst resisting a likely-embarrassing seduction reaction wasn't my strongest point. Sue me.

“If you insist, Lotus…” I said, allowing the emerald fires to meld around my form. Brown fur hardened into black chitin, crimson eyes glazed over into solid blue spheres, and flowing turquoise mane burnt out into an ashen, hole-riddled hue. The girls giggled, and I eagerly awaited the feeling of hooves pressing into my back, decimating all of the tension and stress that I had built up.

Instead, the second bucket of ice-cold oil splashed all over my everything. I made the drowning cat noise again, to my great shame.

“What why?!? Its cold! So cold! I don't-“

As one, two sets of glorious, professional hooves planted themselves symmetrically across my back and began to rub the stuff into my plating. My complaint died immediately, and I made that stupid purring noise that changelings made.

Stupid purring noise.

Now, one might imagine that the rubbing of a shell-like-coating would do absolutely nothing to soothe cramps and bodily tension – as a thoroughbred changeling, I’d like to say that this is a complete lie. Our insides are mostly a shapeless blob of substance that is easiest described as ‘blood, but made of magic instead of cells’, and that stuff doesn’t really care about massages. Our outer casings, however, aren’t quite as hard as most would imagine. No, they form a barrier that is almost like malleable wood – this is the part of us that gets the cramps and such.

I do have to give Lotus and Aloe credit, though, massaging a back that probably felt like a waterlogged oak tree with all the precision and care that they would give a normal, fleshy pony was hardly an easy thing to do. Yet they did it marvelously.

These thoughts are all in hindsight, though. What I thought at the time was something along the lines of this:

Aughadddaghalabuh.

As the oil began to warm up to a comfortable temperature, the spa ponies began to rain down a series of almost-blows (careful to avoid hurting my fragile wings) on the blue part of my shell. This was the part where my tongue flopped out and the lighter patches on my eyes that focused my gaze rolled about aimlessly. Sooner than not, the entire area they were working on felt warm, numb, and relaxed.

Truly, the other name for heaven was 'Four'.

Two little whispers made their way across the room. I couldn’t have understood them if I tried. All of a sudden, the onslaught of amazing came to a sudden stop, and I let out a little whine, despite myself.

That was so good why did they st-

I felt about two hundred pounds of pony sit themselves on the bulk of my back, and each of my limbs was assaulted by a liberating cerulean hoof.

“Oh my Celestia you two I urblblurblgaarblduh…” I managed to say before I’m pretty sure I melted a little. Two more identical giggles.

“Oh, are you liking this?” Asked the one making my legs feel like a million bits, at the exact moment as she lay her entire front set of limbs down my hind ones, rubbing them from side to side and making the oil heat up to that strange temperature that's almost too hot but isn't.

“Or is this better?” Came the other – I honestly couldn’t tell them apart at this point. A series of soft, rolling motions caressed my front limbs. I was very much considering taking back what I said earlier about not bothering them about Fours that often.

Ten seconds of eternity passed.

“Does his horn feel things too?”

“It does – kind of like a unicorn’s, if it had nerves in it.”

“Oooh.”

Wha-

A soft, moist sensation that was most definitely not a hoof encased my filed-down black horn. My brain imploded. A tongue swirled around the very tip of it, and the mare it was connected to decided to let out a very loud moan. I was pretty sure I could reach out and touch the stars, at that point. I wanted to say something, wanted to let them know that…

Suddenly, all of the wonderful, burning friction stopped and the mares clambered off of my back. They slid over to face me, and gave me the most suspiciously innocent set of grins I’d ever seen.

“Now turn over, we have to do your front, now.” Stated one of the Lotuses, as though it was obvious.

I blinked.

“I… Don’t think that’s a good idea.” I said simply. Being a male could be such a bother at times like this. “You both seem… To look like Lotus. Aaand I promised I wouldn’t say anything about a Happy Ending! Yes.”

Oh thank Celestia my brain didn’t take long to recover.

“So?” Asked the other equally curiously, worming a forehoof under my chest, ready to flip me over like a tortoise. Or my morbidly obese raccoon.

“… So I think you two should close your eyes, let me take a cold shower, and come back in ten minutes to finish the massage.” I said, grinning sheepishly.

They grinned at each other, and the hoof went lower down my front. My eyes boggled and I kind of shook my head – however, I seemed to lack control over my limbs, almost as though they were too relaxed to move.

Oh why is this like some horrible, horrible porno plot, but in real life?!

“Oh, but you didn’t say anything about a Happy Ending.” Said the second one as she pulled her hoof out, just in the nick of time.

“Oh good, so let me just slowly-“

“That was all us.”

They kissed me. At the same time. I made the Celestia-damned cat noise again.

And then, in the steam of room six and to the annoyance of all of the unknowing ponies in the lobby, we commenced the banging.

And it was glorious.

"Dear Cloud Kicker, Blossomforth, and Derpy Hooves (and Fluttershy as well, if you decide to attend),

It has come to my attention that three of you dropped by my office yesterday while I was out performing errands. I would like to apologize for any inconvenience my absence has caused, and offer you a 50% reduced price on your next session, if it is still in your interests to return to my office in the future. I have heard rumors – nothing more – of several of the things that may have occurred between you. If *any* of these rumors hold merit, I would like to formally request you visit sooner than later, for such issues may cause devastating effects – not only mentally, but physically – in the future, if left unresolved.

Humbly, Dr. Pysch Ology, Relationship Counseling."

I set the pen down, and let out a deep breath. It had taken me nearly a half hour to scribble out that little note, and with a comparatively effortless magical surge, I sent a copy to each of the recipients. As much as I didn’t want to deal with those four, I knew it was better for all of them if I got involved.

Or, you know, they could completely ignore it and continue to live in a downward spiral of despair. I -personally- wouldn’t mind keeping the month of life I’d otherwise lose to stress if I helped.

A tired voice startled me from my silent pondering, and I turned around to see two groggily smiling twins – the paint finally rubbing off on the light pink one – sitting up behind me, a steady dribble of love flowing from them into me. I could tell neither of them were normally morning ponies. Aloe made her smile a little more hopeful and spoke up.

“… Spotlight, as obvious as it probably was - between me being kind of -eheh- obvious about it no matter how hard I tried to hide it... and you being able smell love or something - I’d... Like to admit that… I like you.” A pause. “A lot.” Said my oldest friend (granted, up until five months ago, I’d never really had one at all, but even so) softly and with a fair amount of difficulty. I returned her smile – it took a lot of effort to admit those words to yourself, much less the pon- er, changeling you meant them for.

“Aaand while I know we haven’t been on the best of terms since, you know, I caught you with my sister,” Cut in Lotus, surprising me entirely - my love-dar had never caught any of the kind of attraction she was showing before, at least as far as I could remember, “... I guess you’ve grown on me.” She finished begrudgingly.

I raised a brow, letting my lips part in a grin. She was adorable when she was too flustered to be grumpy.

“Well it’s not like there are any other stallions who let me finish a Three like I spent two Celestia-damned years learning to pull off correction without reminding me how proud they are of being... male!” She explained somewhat snappily, albeit with a completely red face, “It’s just nice getting some respect from a customer sometimes…”

Wait what?

“And you showed me how appreciative you were of my respect… By doing, to me, exactly what you don’t want guys to do?”

“It was a last second thing! You were just lying there, and were so nice about the whole thing, and Aloe had all the oil and... and… Urgghh!” She exclaimed, trying to show her frustration by groping the air in front of her shoulder blades. Aloe giggled her lovely little giggle.

“Anyway, what I – er, we - really want to ask, Spotlight, is if you’ll go out with us-” Said Aloe. About then, the full realization that she just started a three-way relationship with her best friend and her twin sister hit her, and her words began to grow distant, embarrassed and muddled, “- Tomorrow. For dinner. At… You know...”

The rest of her words drowned out in a little squeak. Lotus piped up helpfully.

“… At Horte’s! You can afford dinner for three there, right?”
I chuckled. Mares will be mares.

“Aloe, Lotus, I’d be honored to accept your inv-“

All of a sudden, a scroll popped into existence right in front of my face. On it, were eight simple words that held about as much impact as a rampaging freight train.

"We’ll do it. See you tomorrow. – Cloud Kicker"

I looked at that little piece of paper for an ungodly long period of time. When I looked up, both of my new – my first – real marefriends were shooting me concerned glances. I crumpled up the scroll, swallowed deeply, and gave the strongest smile I could muster. It was shaky, at best.

“You know what I said about never requesting a Four again, much less a Happy Ending?” I asked, voice betraying me even more than my expression. They nodded, care still ebbing from their beings. I hated to do this, but…

“I think that, after our date tomorrow, I’m going to have to break that promise.”

Author's Note

Why hello there, Winningverse!

I wanted to make a piece that, while holding true to all the almost-sex, weird relationships, and general fun-to-read-ness of the Winningverse, broke two major important rules: Super-heavy drama and multiple larger chapters.

So I made a oneshot about a changeling who works as a relationship councilor named Psych Ologist (totally original name, I know) and hangs out as an earth pony named Spotlight. Also the spa ponies, because why not.

Internet-starved vacations are great, yes? :D

Anyways, nice to meet you all! I hope to see/write for ya again soon™! (Also apologies to my already-followers for letting out, what, five[?] stories this week alone. I bet it must be annoying :x)

That One Guy :)

EDIT: It has been brought to my attention that I didn't actually put the 'sex' tag on, like I thought I had. I have remedied this issue! And I apologize deeply for any misconceptions/hatred of me that occured as a result of my derp >.<