The Everlasting Drawback Of Immortality

He never liked waking up. He never liked sleeping to begin with. Why was it necessary for mere mortals to recharge their energy for seven hours a day? Can’t they just recharge themselves while they are awake? And then always this grogginess in the morning, when he wakes up. That was why he hated sleeping and why he never did it.

Yet, there was one positive aspect in sleeping. The ability to dream. The ability to do anything he wants without being worried about consequences. Pleasant dreams are the best, and he had a remarkably pleasant dream this night. Aren woke up and looked at the ceiling and crooked an eyebrow. ‘I don’t know this ceiling.’

Looking away from the ceiling he looked around the room. It was a spacious bedroom with much furniture that just screamed out the word ‘money’. Sniffing in the air, Aren lifted his other eyebrow too. ‘Smells like fresh air and stone. I am obviously not home.’ Even if the answer to his whereabouts was pretty obvious, Aren hasn’t slept really often and was, of course, confused by this.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.

Someone knocked at the door. Whom could that be? “Come in.” he simply stated. The door slowly opened and in walked a yellow unicorn mare, who was wearing a maid-uniform. Then Aren remembered. He left Ravien to his vacation in his home dimension, and when he got back he wanted to do something, but got terribly tired for some unknown reason.

‘Wait, I don’t get tired. Never. Why was I tired, and what did I want to do? It feels like I wanted to do something I honestly looked forward to, so why can’t I remember?’ The mare still stood in front of him, waiting to be addressed. Aren noticed this and somehow he eyed the mare strangely. Watching every part of the muscles that could be seen beneath her yellow coat and uniform.

The slightly visible veins on some parts of her body and the feint hearing of breathing. This hypnotizing rhythm of her heart beating. It made him nervous to no end. Aren quickly shook his head in an attempt to clear it. With forced calmness, he addressed her.

“Yes?” Her professional look didn’t change, yet she answered.

“Would you like me to clean your room, sir?” Aren was drawn back at her muscles and the movement of her eyes. Aren put a hand to his head in order to hide his nervous expression.

“Yes, please go on.” He stated with a little shaky voice. The mare didn’t show any reaction, except starting to clean the room. When she moved her muscles. When the hooves made a clack sound at the marble-floor. When her coat rubbed at itself and made feint warmth. ‘What is beneath that hair? How do her muscles look when I tear them apart? How will they look when they are painted with all the flowing blood?’

He slowly started to sprout a creepy grin. ‘Oh what I could do. I could just grab her and tear her apart. I could create something beautiful. Oh, even thinking about it makes me happy.’ Aren stood up and walked over to the mare, who was cleaning a wardrobe, not seeing him. Aren stood behind her and extended his right arm slowly, his grin going wider and wider.

Suddenly he stopped, and his expression changed to horror. ‘No, I can’t do that. I can’t just run around and look at peoples’ organs. No one can do that. Yes, she shouldn’t be bothered by anyone. Not by thieves, not by assassins. Yes, I can’t leave her alone like this. She needs to be protected.’ His malicious grin turned to one that showed complete sincerity and kindness. The mare turned around and saw the happy look on his face, and also looked happy.

‘It seems like there are also some happy ponies in the castle.’ She grinned to herself, not knowing that she avoided death by one second. She was already finished with the cleaning and walked out of the room, bowing politely one last time at the door. Aren didn’t actually notice anything since there was another fight in his head.

‘I can’t just let her be alone. She could get attacked by bandits. She needs protection. She could get into bed, with a false person. She could meet a false person. She could trust a false person. She shouldn’t go to her work since she could stumble and hurt herself. She needs to be protected. I can’t protect her from anything. Yes, I need to protect her from herself. I need to protect her from her own mistakes. I need to protect her from her life. Yes, I need to end her life so she will be protected, yes.’

His grin was already back to malicious. He looked around the room and spotted his sword leaning against the bed. Happily picking it up, he walked to the door. ‘Yes, maybe I can still catch up to her. I need to end her life in order to protect her.’ He rotated the doorknob and opened the door.

“Good morning, Aren.” Celestia exclaimed while standing in front of his door. She looked worried. “Is there something wrong?” She chuckled. “Your face looks different.” Aren still with his malicious grin on his face suddenly felt calmer. His facial muscles relaxed, and he had a normal expression back.

‘I was so tense before, and yet I am calm. Why am I calm all of a sudden? Protecting this maid doesn’t seem relevant anymore.’ Letting out a long sigh Aren entirely calmed down. He looked at Celestia who just sprouted a motherly smile that said “well done”.

Her facial expression betrayed Celestias real feelings. She was in total panic, when Aren opened the door with that grin on his face. It was the same grin he had when she was in his dream. She even thought she was too late, and that he planned to destroy the whole palace. Little did she know that exactly this was his plan. Up until now.

When he calmed down, she calmed down too. ‘Seems like the crisis has been avoided.’ She thought to herself. Aren then said something.

“Good morning, Celestia. Is there something you need?” He asked in his typical normal demeanor.

“Yes. I decided that we should take the leave of Disc- eh Ravien as an opportunity, and take some vacation ourselves.” In truth, she just didn’t want to let Aren near her guards or the Elements Of Harmony. He was just too dangerous right now. Aren didn’t look convinced.

“Are you sure? We need every day of training in order to stand up to Oran. We can’t just simply make a vacation.” He seemed a little annoyed by this.

‘He’s not giving up. Hurry Celestia, think think think think.’ Suddenly she got an idea.
“I really appreciate it that you train my guards, but I don’t want them to waste all their life to be soldiers. They are just guards. So I wish for them to get the opportunity to live their lives to the fullest.” Aren still didn’t look happy, but apparently accepted that. It was her kingdom after all.

“Alright, if you think this is right, I can’t stop you.” He simply stated. Suddenly Celestia could hear chatter. She turned her head and saw two maids, talking happily with each other while walking down the hallway. They made a short bow before Celestia and passed them. Not giving it a second thought, she turned back to Aren. With all of her willpower combined, she was able to hold back her gasp.

He was grinning madly again. ‘Look at these muscles. The fibers. Oh, I love this sounds when muscle tissue tears. This lovely sound, similar to tearing fabric. What beautiful thing could I create with tearing it apart? Oh why can’t I just go there and hear their muscles destroying?’ He watched the passing mares with intensity.

“Aren, hello? Why do you space out again?” Aren shook his head and looked normal again. Looking back at Celestia he felt kind of sorry.

“Oh sorry, won’t happen again. Did you say something?” Celestia sighed inwardly. This was too close. She needed to do something about him. There had to be some way to make it possible for him to control himself. She perked up when she heard more chatter.

‘But first I need time to think.’ She quickly looked in Arens’ eyes again. “Aren, how would you like to eat breakfast with me?” She hoped that he wouldn’t take this the wrong way since she wasn’t in love with him. She just needed him to be away from anypony. Maybe if, they are alone, she can manage to get him to open up to her. Opening up to other ponies is always the first step to getting better.

Aren crooked an eyebrow. Normally he doesn’t need to eat anything. Why should he eat now? Yet, he felt inclined to accept. He needed to accept. Something in his mind screamed at him to go eating with her. “Alright.” He just simply stated. Celestia was relieved beyond belief. What would she have done, if he wouldn’t have accepted?

“Good, then I will port us to a nice place.” Just when she wanted to use her spell, she got aborted.

“Tia!” This was the last pony, she wanted close to Aren right now. Luna walked up to Celestia and Aren. “Where were you this morning? I missed you when I was lowering my moon.” Celestia was in a mixture of panic, annoyance, fear and a little anger.

‘Why did she have to show up now?’ Celestia grinned nervously. “Oh eh, was this, this morning?” Luna looked skeptical.

“Yes, it was this morning. Like every other morning.” She just simply stated. Celestia laughed a little bit nervously.

“Oh it seems like I forgot since I had to tell Aren about my decision of vacation.” Luna lifted an eyebrow.

“Vacation? What vacation?” Celestia made a short glance to Aren to see if he had everything under control. His left eye and his mouth were twitching slightly. She needed to hurry. The last thing Equestria needed was an all destroying immortal.

“Luna, I decided that since we wait for Discords return, we might as well give the guards a last vacation before Aren trains them again.” Luna switched her gaze to Aren, obviously being exceedingly disapproving of him. She looked closer and hummed a little.

“It seems you are back. Say, why did you even do this to the Element of Generosity? You know, sharing your soul.” Luna waited for an answer while Celestia panicked in her mind. Aren just didn’t react. He just continued staring at Lunas’ body. Luna got uncomfortable pretty quickly.

“Do you decline to answer our question?” She asked with a hint of anger in her voice. Aren still didn’t answer. Little did Celestia and Luna know that he was reasoning in his head and that he didn’t hear anything.

‘I hate her. I don’t want to protect her so why should I end her life? I don’t need to protect her. So why do I want to end it so badly? If I end it, I’ll end up protecting her, but what if I just end her out of hate? Just out of creating my own piece of art? Yes, she always hated me, so why shouldn’t I start working on her? Yes, I will just grab her and create something new.’ Slowly Aren formed his grin again.

Celestia seeing where this face-motion was going, quickly reacted. “Aren, you are zoning out again. Aren, hello?” She hoped that this was enough. Upon hearing her voice, the human stopped and looked at Celestia. Just registering what she said, he shook his head violently to clear it.

“Oh, I am sorry. I didn’t quite hear you. Could you repeat that?” He asked while scratching his hair with one hand. Luna groaned once.

“I wanted to know, why you would share a soul with the Element Of Generosity?” These motions. These motions of her mouth that made sound. Why does she make them? Why doesn’t she stop making them? ‘Why can’t she just show me her blood? I need to know what’s in there, so I can start on working on her, NOW.’

“Aren, are you alright? You don’t seem to be yourself today. Is something wrong?” Celestia asked innocently, even though she knew the answer to this question. Aren shook his head again.

‘Not myself? But I am always myself. Wasn’t I always like this? Maybe she isn’t herself.’ While Aren was thinking again, Celestia quickly thought about a plan. Finally, she got it.

“Luna, I know that you are worried about me, but I need to get Aren to a doctor. He clearly isn’t acting like his usual self right now. Maybe an aftereffect from his coma?” She looked back at him and saw him growing back his evil smile. “Need to go.” And then she used her teleport spell on Aren and herself. Luna couldn’t even ask a question before they teleported away.

“What was that all about?” Luna just simply asked the air. Shaking her head, she continued on her way to wherever she wanted to go.

Celestia and Aren appeared at a green hill. Aren looked around, and when he looked up, he saw Canterlot above him. “We are at the Creators Hill. One of the most beautiful places around Canterlot.” She exclaimed with a relieved and proud voice. Thinking about what Celestia said, Aren could see kinds of trees, he never saw on Equestria before. Unique flowers were also adorning the makeshift garden.

There was a low table carved out of stone. Celestia nudged Aren to sit down. Aren walked over and sat down at one of the small ends of the table while Celestia sat opposite to him. Realizing something, Aren looked around again.

“Where are the others?” He simply asked. Celestia had to think up an excuse why she wanted him to be with no other pony right now, without showing that she already knows about his condition.

“Oh there are no others. I wanted to have a private breakfast just with the two of us.” Realizing what she just said, she began to worry. ‘I hope he doesn’t think this is a date. I don’t have romantic feelings for him, and it would be awkward if he thinks that I try to create something between us.’

‘Why are we on a date?’ Aren just simply asked himself. ‘Does she have feelings for me and why so suddenly? Why couldn’t she just ask me to date her? Well I obviously don’t have any feelings for her. I don’t think she’s different from everyone else. Yet, I am not nervous around her. Why?’ He furiously scratched his head. Celestia saw this and thought that he will loose his sanity soon, and she needed to do something, NOW!

“Aren, you are different. Is something bothering you?” She asked innocently. Aren shook his head again.

“Oh eh no. NO, nothings wrong.” He simply answered. This was it. This was the opportunity Celestia hoped for. ‘Let’s hope this goes well.’

“Aren, there is something wrong with you. You aren’t acting like your usual self. Please, you can tell me. I am worried about you.” ‘A statement that shows, that I am concerned about him and that I like to share his burden. Works every time.’ She thought proudly to herself. Aren just sighed.

“No, really, everything’s alright.” Damnit, he didn’t take the bait. ‘Well I just need to throw out another one. A stronger one.’ With that said, she changed her facial expression to one of sadness.

“Don’t you trust me?” Aren was a little taken aback by this question. Such a direct question coming out of nowhere. He seriously considered saying no, just to be done with this, but for some reason he couldn’t tell it to her this directly. ‘Well there is always lying.’ He sighed.

“Yes, I trust you.” Celestia was happy deep inside. He took her bait, but she didn’t show her happiness to the outside. Changing her expression from sad to worried again, she looked at him.

“Then why aren’t you telling me what’s wrong?” Aren got nervous again, but not the same kind of nervousness he felt before. It felt more like, he was surrounded by spotlights. She shifted uncomfortably while sitting on the grass. In the end, he sighed and decided to tell her the truth.

“Because you wouldn’t understand. No one could understand.” He sighed again, suppressing the sadness that wanted to come out to the daylight. Celestia was partying in her head. It worked. She got him to this point so she will be able to get him to tell her the rest. When he will tell her everything, she will just tell him that she still liked him, and he would feel relieved. This should stop his will to tear everything apart.

Placing a comforting hoof on his shoulders she looked him in the eyes. “I may not understand, but I can still share your burden. Please tell me.” This should break him. Aren just shook his head.

“No, you will cast me away, like everyone before.” He nearly shouted while still suppressing the tears inside of him. He was done for. He didn’t want to keep this in any longer. His whole personality. He wished nothing more than to just tell her everything. Tell her of the constant fight in her head. Tell her that he is a psychopath, but then she would hate him.

‘Why am I this concerned about her hating me? She isn’t different to all the other people I met. Why is it this important to me that she likes me? It’s not important. I will just tell her and prove that she is not relevant to me. I won’t be held back by some useless thoughts such as friendship.’ He made up his mind.

“Alright I’m going to tell you.” Celestia led out a loud YES in her mind, but on the outside just smiled approvingly. “I am not whom you think I am.” Celestia showed purposely a confused expression. “I altered my personality the whole time we knew each other. This,” He gestured to his body. “Is whom I really am.” Celestia playing the innocent filly just asked him.

“What do you mean exactly?” She voiced with a warm tone. Aren just sighed.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, but I sort of have a problem. Normally I can escape this problem by altering my personality, but right now I can’t do that since I need to be careful with using magic.” He sighed again. Maybe he could back out again. Celestia realized that he could start backing out now and took the initiative.

“What problem?” Suddenly there was a lump in his throat. He couldn’t say it. It was just too hard. If he would tell this, she would start hating him, and would cast him away like every other being he told. She is no different.

‘She is not different to anyone other! I just need to tell her, and it will prove that she is just like everyone else.’ Grabbing all of his resolve, he was able to get enough braveness to finally tell her of his problem.

“I enjoy killing people.” Even if, Celestia anticipated something like this, she still felt a little uneasy. This showed in her perfectly managed expression. Suddenly her warm smile, looked more like a nervous grin. Aren quickly spoke up.

“It’s not as you think. I also want to do good things. I want to protect everyone as good as possible, but I just can’t come over the desire to end lives. I just want to help someone, but I just can’t.” He began to break into tears. “I can’t help them, because whenever I start looking at them, I get this desire to kill them.” He looked over to the other side of the hill, where a mother with her two foals had a picnic.

“Those movements of those muscles. The beating of the heart. The flow of the blood. The voice of breathing. Everything seems so interesting; so fragile; so intoxicating. These moving muscles. How do they sound when I just grip them and tear them apart? What would they think for the last seconds they are alive, when I just take them and rip them apart? Why does the heart keep beating, even if their body is destroyed?” He lifted an arm and held it out to the foals who were at least 50 meters away.

He held his arm like he was walking to the light at the end of the tunnel. “This longing feeling of just seeing them spread across the room. The sight of their blood, flowing out of their open bodies, being unable to reach the other side. Just flowing out and stopping at the floor. This beautiful sight is just intoxicating.” With his wide eyes, he looked at the foals and started smiling again.

A wickedly smiling man with tears running down his eyes. Suddenly he turned his head to Celestia again, who looked more than troubled, and jumped to her, grabbing her shoulders. “I can’t stop it! I can’t fight against this feeling. I need to do it! I need to see them ripped apart, just like my parents!” Celestia was deeply shocked by what he said the whole time. She knew what was wrong with him, but it was just impossible to feel nothing for someone who poured out their heart to her. Especially the last part.

“I saw them. I was on the chandelier hanging from the ceiling of the room. I saw everything. My mother said that everything would be alright before the men came and started ripping her apart. I saw it, how her blood started to spring out of her form. It looked so beautiful. After they ripped apart my dad, they left the castle. I climbed down and examined the remains.” He suddenly jerked his hands back and grabbed his head.

“I couldn’t protect them. I wasn’t able to save them from those men. I was too weak. Yet they became something beautiful. Why would I need them to be protected from being this beautiful? Their unmoving remains looked so peaceful. They just didn’t move, but I still felt pain. They needed to be protected, but from what? I trained years, to protect someone and to be able to create art like those men.”

“Some years later, I found those men. I made them to art, just like my parents. They also looked so beautiful. Then I started working as a mercenary. I could protect people, and I could tear them apart. It was so intensely fulfilling. For nearly 10,000 years, I worked as one, but then I was too strong. Everyone surrendered without fighting us. I couldn’t create art anymore. So I started to help the whole world, but when I killed everyone that was considered evil, there was nothing else to do. Nothing else to tear apart.”

“I lived every day, not knowing what to do. Arguing with myself. Should I just make art out of those I protect? But then I don’t protect them anymore. I can’t do both, but I need both. Then Oran came and showed me how I could help myself. I was changed. I was free from the urge to protect or kill, but now I am back to whom I was.”

“Why can’t I control myself? Why do all of these ponies have to look so tempting? Why can’t I just tear them apart like the nothing they all are? But I can’t do it. I need to keep them safe. I just can’t tear them apart. Yet, I need to tear them apart. I need it in order to survive. I-“ He got aborted by a sudden hug from Celestia. Everything was frozen for him. He was just shocked. What is she doing?

Celestia felt deeply sad. Here, she thought that it would be easy to just change a pony, but it wasn’t. She planned to hug him just because it was needed to protect Equestria. Yet, she felt the need to hug him for what he went through. All this sorrow Aren had to go through in his childhood. Nopony should see their parents killed. She felt genuinely scared from him for a while, but this soon was replaced with eternally deep pity.

‘He needed to protect himself from the heavy guilt of not being able to protect his parents. He probably killed himself with this guilt every day. It was so much that he just couldn’t take it anymore, and he decided to make killing look appealing to him. Being this deeply devoured by guilt, he told himself that he didn’t fail to protect his parents. He is only killing because he has seen too much sorrow.’ Celestia realized and also started to cry. Aren was still in shock by the sudden hug from Celestia.

He couldn’t believe that someone would still touch him voluntarily. ‘Why does this feel so warm? Why do I feel so comfortable?’ Suddenly the warmth destroyed all his boundaries. He started to let everything out and just cried furiously in her embrace. It felt like all the sorrow was washing away. After some time, he hugged her back and both stood like this for several minutes.

‘Here he wants to protect everpony, and yet he is the one that needs the protection most.’ After some time, they parted, and Aren looked into Celestias’ eyes. “Thank you.” He said in an unusually soft voice. Celestia was deeply moved by this mere thank you. It felt like she honestly saved someponys’ life.

Aren turned his head back to the mother with the two foals. He watched like in trance. Celestia hoped that this helped him. She looked at him as he began to twitch again. This didn’t look good. She decided to take action and put her hoof at his arm. He then turned to her and his twitching ceased. He was back with a relaxed expression. She asked worriedly.

“Did it help?” He looked back at the mother and her kids and sighed.

“It may have helped a little, but I still can’t control myself.” He then looked back at Celestia. “But I think with you by my side, I can manage.” He said warmly. Celestia couldn’t hold back a blush.

‘I wonder if he knows how wrong this just sounded.’ Yet, she was still deeply moved by this simple statement, and for the first time in a long while, she smiled with a genuine, hearty smile.

“Then we should work on it.” She simply told him, and he just nodded.

Up on a certain mountain, a certain human watched this and also couldn’t suppress a smile to cross his lips.