“Owwww… my head… What happened last night?” Twilight asked as the sun assaulted her still closed eyes. She tried to lick her parched lips, but her tongue was somehow even drier. As she took stock of how messed up she was, she managed to groan out, “Why do my friends let me drink?”
Her self pitying train of thought was interrupted when she heard soft footsteps walking closer. She just managed to make out, “Spike, is that you?”
She heard her assistant say, “Well, you would know if you opened your eyes.” She groaned. “Honestly Twi, why do you do this to yourself?”
Twilight rolled over in what she now realized to be her bed and pulled her sheets even tighter around herself. She managed to crack her eyelids, and was greeted with the sight of a concerned baby dragon holding a large glass of water, presumably for her. “I swear Spike, I’m never going to touch the cider again.” She sat up, and levitated the water to her mouth. After draining it in one long swig, she sat the glass on her bedstand.
Spike gave her a small smile, and said, “Sorry, but you’re going to have to get up now if you want to make your hearing.”
Twilight just lay back down, before the meaning of his words dawned on her. Much faster than she should have, she sat back up, and asked, “Wait, hearing? Spike, just what happened last night?”
Spike took a step back, puzzled. “Are you sure you really don’t remember? Because it seems to me that it would be really hard to forget.”
Twilight growled out, “If I remembered then why the hay would I be asking.” After a second, she added, “Sorry, but my head is killing me and you-never mind.”
As he picked up the water glass, and began to help Twilight get ready for her day, Spike began his story.
“Alright, so yesterday, Rainbow Dash came over really excited about something. I think it was the newest Daring Doo book being announced or something. Anyways, she took you out for drinks, but for some reason she kept saying that it was just “as friends” whatever that means. Weird, huh?”
“So then-I stayed at home-I started to take a nap. But, I woke up when I started hearing sirens! So I follow the noise to see if maybe Rarity was involved when I see you in the hands of two of Ponyville’s cops! I talked to them, and they said that you assaulted Berry Punch! Apparently she refused to give you more cider because you were drunk, and you slugged her in the snout! I always knew you had it in you Twi!”
Twilight rolled her eyes and said, “Get to the point Spike.”
“Well, I told the cops I could take you home, and they said it was okay, but you have a hearing today at 11:00 p.m, and it’s 10:30 right now!”
Twilight finally got out of bed, and slowly walked to her bathroom. “Alright Spike, I’m going, I’m going.”
About an hour later, Twilight returned to see her assistant sprawled out in his basket. She gave a small smile at how cute he looked, which promptly vanished when she saw his chore checklist she had made him was completely blank! With her magic, she quickly pulled off his blanket, and Spike came spilling out onto the ground.
He leapt to his feet, his head searching back and forth as he sputtered, “Wha-wha! I wasn’t sleeping!” Finally, his gaze found Twilight, who was giving him a stern look. Sheepishly, he rubbed the back of his head and said, “Ah geez Twi, I know this looks bad, but I only closed my eyes for a second, and you know…”
He looked up at her, but when he saw that her expression hadn’t changed, he decided to try a different tactic, and said, “So, how did your hearing go?”
Twilight walked by him as she tossed her mane out of her eyes. She sat down heavily, and said, “Well that’s the thing Spike: I’m not sure. Well, let me just tell you my sentence: community service, by which I’ll be coaching Ponyville Elementary’s Soccer Team.”
Spike walked closer to his adopted older sister and said, “Well, that doesn’t sound so bad, right? So, when do you start?”
Twilight looked down at him and replied, “Today. They have a game, after which I’ll be replacing their last court-appointed coach.”
Twilight was walking down the road towards the Elementary School’s Soccer field, where the Ponyville Pugilists were playing the Badland Brawlers. Or at least they were supposed to be playing them. When the field came into view, it looked like the game was already over, and the Pugilists were being given a post-game pep talk by their coach, a large, gruff looking earth pony stallion with a mug of cider for a cutie mark.
“Alright listen up,” he began, “that was a good game. I mean, you all showed up, and I’m proud of that.”
A small, white unicorn filly whom Twilight recognized as Rarity’s younger sister piped up, “Um coach? Why did they stop the game after only ten minutes?”
“Well, because we were losing by twenty goals Sweetie Belle. It’s called the slaughter rule. You know, Sweetie Belle, if we played the full game we probably would have lost by one hundred goals. I don’t know why I’m saying ‘we’ because I wasn’t running around out there like it was the first time I ever used my legs!”
Sweetie Belle, who at this point looked quite embarrassed, mumbled, “Okay…”
However, her coach ignored her, and continued, “You know, it’s like when they stop a boxing match because the guy’s bleeding too much, you know all cut up and stuff. This was worse. I mean: fractured jaws get wired shut; broken snouts become badges of courage!”
Again, she mumbled out, in the tiniest possible voice, “Okay…”
Her coach started shaking his head, and he massaged his forehead with one of his fore hooves. “But to lose by twenty goals in ten minutes is… Oh forget it. You played a good game.”
As the Pugilist began cheering at the ‘praise’ their coach had given them, Twilight walked over to the coach and said, “Hello, I’m Twilight Sparkle, your court appointed replacement.”
The stallion gave her a quick look-over, though he lingered on her flanks, before saying, “I’m Coach McGuirk. So, you’re going to coach these losers?”
Twilight was a little surprised that a coach would call his own team losers, and asked, “Are you sure they’re losers?”
He laughed and said, “Of course they’re losers, all fillies are losers. I was a loser too at that age. Hay, when I was 18, I got a tattoo of a cow’s head on my arm. Thank Celestia my fur covers it.”
A little puzzled over Coach McGuirk’s strange mannerisms, Twilight just nodded.
“Well, looks like I’m finally free to go. Good luck Twilight, these kids barely know how to play.”
"Wait." Twilight said as Coach McGuirk began to walk away. "If these fillies barely know how to play soccer, then do you think you could, I don't know, give me some help? You are an actual coach, after all."
Coach Mcguirk stopped walking away, and turned to Twilight. After giving her flanks a quick glance, he tapped his chin and said, "Well, I could show you how I run practice. But just once. Come by the field tomorrow at about 2."
Twilight nodded, thankful that she wouldn't be suddenly thrust into the deep end, metephorically.
As if realizing who he was talking to, Coach McGuirk added, "Alright, but remember you came and asked me for help. Don't say anything during practice, just watch and learn, okay."
Again, Twilight nodded, though she was slightly nervous that he felt the need to say his disclaimer.
"How long Coach McGuirk, how long do we have to stretch?" Sweetie Belle asked of her coach, who was just sitting on the bench with a vacant expression. Twilight had shown up at 2:00 p.m. and was surprised to see that practice was already underway. Or, at least she thought it was. The fillies were stretching, while Coach McGuirk had sat on the bench without talking. Twilight had brought a scroll to take notes with, but so far all she had was the word "stretch."
Nervous by the coach's lack of a response, Sweetie Belle continued, "It's already been 45 minutes, and we're stretched."
It appeared that Coach McGuirk only just now realized that Sweetie Belle was talking to him, and he brought up a hoof to smooth back his disheveled mane as he asked, "Why? What was I saying?"
Sweetie Belle looked down at her hooves, and kicked a small pebble. "You weren't saying anything."
"Well what are you saying?"
Sweetie Belle shrugged as she said, "I was saying we were all stretched."
Coach McGuirk tilted his head to the left slightly, as if he was confused and the act of changing his viewpoint would make the situation clearer. "Great. What does that mean?"
Sweetie Belle looked over at Twilight, who was taking notes about the conversation, before looking back to Coach McGuirk. She thought about how she could effectively communicate her point, before finally saying, "That we're all... stretched out."
"Yeah?"
"Can we stop?
Suddenly Coach McGuirk was struck by a realization: that he had no idea who he was talking to. Furrowing his brow, he asked, "Who are you?"
Sweetie Belle did not expect his question. Unsure, she replied, "I'm... I'm Sweetie Belle."
"Sweetie Belle who?"
Realizing that this behavior was out of character, even for McGuirk, Sweetie Belle asked, "Coach? What's the matter? You don't look so good."
At this point, Coach McGuirk looked away, and took a brief glance at Twilight still taking notes, again lingering on her flank. Remembering that he still hadn't responded to Sweetie Belle, he gave her a non-commital grumble.
Worried about her coach, she asked, "Are you on another bender?"
Coach McGuirk gasped, giving Sweetie Belle a powerful whiff of alcohol. "Where'd you learn that word Sweetie Belle?"
Again looking down, she replied, "From you."
Slightly embarrassed, he looked down and mumbled, "Oh right..." After a moment, he added, "Look, I didn't mean to do this, it just sort of happened. I had one beer, and then I had another..."
Sweetie Belle tilted her head and asked, "How come?"
Coach McGuirk drew slightly back, as if he couldn't believe she had really asked that question. After a moment, he said, "What do you mean how come? What kind of question is that Sweetie Belle?"
"Well, why do you dri-"
"I just do." He interrupted. "It's not like I wake up and go: Hey, I want to go on a bender today! Celestia, you're so... look, you know I try not to do this, right?"
"But coach," Sweetie Belle took a moment to gather her courage, before continueing, "coach, I think you might have a problem... have you tried not drinking?"
Coach McGuirk paused for a moment, before exploding, "So, you're telling me that to break my drinking problem, I should not drink? Wow! What a novel idea! Hey! Attention all alcoholics! You've just gotta not drink! Celestia, Sweetie Belle, you should write a book or something! You'd make millions!"
Sweetie Belle seemed to be trying to pull into herself, and defended herself by saying, "But... Coach, I'm just trying to help..."
Without warning, Coach McGuirk shouted, "LIKE EVERY OTHER MARE IN MY LIFE!"
After several long moments, he visibly calmed down, and said, "Look, Sweetie Belle, I'm sorry. I just have a pounding headache and then I've got you peeping in my business. You know I don't intentionally do this, right?"
His simple apology seemed acceptable to Sweetie Belle, who got up, and went back to the rest of the team, who was still stretching. At length, Coach McGuirk told the fillies to do some shooting drills to help Applebloom learn to be a good goalie. Afterwords, he walked over to Twilight, who had been dutifully taking notes.
After tracing her hind legs with his eyes, and then memorizing that image, he said, "So basically you just run them through their stretches, then some shooting drills, and then you call it a day, alright?"
Twilight nodded, and realizing that then was the time to ask questions, asked, "Are you sure it's a good idea to show up to practice hung-over?"
After thinking for a moment, Coach McGuirk said, "Yeah, actually you probably shouldn't do that. I don't, anyways." He ignored an eye roll from Twilight before adding, "Well, I think you can handle today, so I guess this is goodbye, huh?"
Twilight nodded and said, "Thanks for the help." She then added under her breath, "Not that I'll miss you."
Coach McGuirk nodded, but he seemed to be mulling something over. Eventually, he said, "Well, I know we're both going to regret this, but whatever."
He walked by Twilight, but at the last minute turned, and slapped her flank.
Reacting instantly, Twilight spun around, her face red and her hair aflame. Concentrating for a split second, she noticed Coach McGuirk close his eyes a heartbeat before a bolt of pure magic (and rage) hit him square on, and knocked him flying.
