Mail-Do-Well

by P3RROHAMBRE

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Adventure
Length: 4339

Derpy takes justice into her own hooves...

A collab story written by CanterlotGuardian and P3RROHAMBRE.

Derpy Hooves is the local mail-mare of Ponyville, a sister, and a pony that loves her town. When crime begins to rear its ugly head in Ponyville, Derpy of course notices and wants it to be stopped, but what do you do when no one will listen? When no one is willing to take action?

You take matters into your own hooves.

Taking on the persona of Mare-Do-Well, Derpy will fight crime and stop those who threaten her beloved town.
But what starts as petty crime, Derpy will soon realize that there is something much bigger and more dangerous than she could imagine.
Can she stop this threat? Or will she fail and doom not just Ponyville, but all of Equestria?

Only one way to find out…

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-27 05:20:02 UTC

Chapter 1

Mail-Do-Well

Chapter 1

Written by CanterlotGuardian

“Hey, Derpy. Can I get off early today?”

Derpy looked up from her desk at the Ponyville mail office. She surveyed the back room to see who was

talking to her. Not that she needed to, really. She only had one employee in the whole branch.

“Sorry, Sparkler…” she said with a sheepish grin. “I got caught up in reading this new Daring Do book

that Twilight lent me- after Rainbow Dash got it back to her a week late…” She chuckled to herself; that

silly Rainbow Dash was always obsessing over that book series. Not that Derpy could blame her; it was a

well-written and engaging series. “Anyways, what did you say?”

“I just asked if it were possible for me to get off early today,” Sparkler replied, poking her head into

Derpy’s office. “It’s seriously dead in here.”

Derpy got up and walked out of her office. “Well, let’s see what all you’ve done today and how much

is left. Then, I’ll decide.” She and Sparkler went back to the back room where all of the packages and

letters were normally piled up. When they got back there, though, Derpy noticed that the room was

looking rather… bare.

“Oh my,” she said aloud. “There isn’t anything back here.”

“My point exactly…” replied Sparkler. “We only got three packages and one letter in, the whole day, and

I’ve already gotten all of those sent off to their respective locations.”

“But what about last week’s overflow? We had a lot more stuff in here last week that didn’t get sent

out.”

“Yeah, well, about that… I kinda came in over the weekend and got all of those delivered myself.”

Derpy looked at her quite oddly. “So you did my job? You didn’t have to do that-“

“I know I didn’t. You weren’t feeling well, though, and I figured that you wouldn’t mind if I turned

around and helped you out a little bit. I won’t even expect you to pay me for those days. Volunteer

work, let’s call it. Besides, I was really bored and had nothing important to do.”

Derpy looked at her assistant and smiled warmly. “You know, I wish I had a daughter like you.”

Sparkler blushed a deep crimson. “Oh come on, Derpy… You know that when you say stuff like that, it

makes me go all red. Besides, you’ve got an amazing little sister, and you’re always saying she’s like a

daughter to you, aren’t you?”

“Well, yeah… I would actually like to have a kid someday, though-“

Just then, Sparkler noticed something. “Um, Derpy…” she said, cutting the mailmare off. “What on earth

is that?”

Derpy followed her gaze over to the back door of the post office. When she saw what Sparkler had been

looking at, her jaw dropped. Someone had spray-painted some very… interesting things on the inside of

the door.

“Why is it on the inside?” Derpy asked, walking over to it. “Isn’t graffiti usually on the outside of

something?”

“Yeah,” Sparkler replied. “That is rather odd.”

“Odd?” Derpy asked rhetorically. “It’s more than odd. And quite frankly, it’s really getting to me, seeing

all of this happening.”

“All of this? What do you mean by that?”

“You haven’t heard about the other taggings that have been going on lately?”

Sparkler looked at her with a bemused look on her face. “Um, no… It’s not really that big of a deal,

anyways.”

Derpy looked a bit cross as she faced her employee. “I’ll address what you just said in a moment. But

yes, there have been quite a few graffiti taggings around Ponyville as of late. As a matter of fact, before

you got here today, Mrs. Cake was in here to pick a package up, and she was telling me about how

somepony had broken into her shop and spray-painted “PIE IS BETTER THAN CAKE” on all the tables in

the shop.”

Sparkler couldn’t help but laugh. “Pie is better than cake? Really? That sounds like something a grade-

school filly would do. Rather immature, don’t you think?”

“Yes, that is true, but at the same time, it’s not something that should be happening to begin with.

That’s not the only thing I’ve heard of, either. One of my other customers was telling me about one

of her relatives out in Manehattan who had the same thing happen to her house. Some very obscene

things were put on there.”

“But Derpy,” Sparkler pointed out, “Manehattan is a pretty long ways away from Ponyville. Are you sure

that the two instances are even related?”

“Maybe not, but I do know that I for one, am not going to stand for this.” Derpy turned to her employee.

“Go ahead and take the day off, Sparkler. I’m going to stay here for awhile and get all of this graffiti

taken off the door.”

“By yourself? Do you not want me to stay and help?”

Derpy shook her head. “That’s fine. I want to do this myself. This is my building, after all. Besides, it

shouldn’t be too hard to get it off.” She smiled at Sparkler. “You can go. I’ll be fine.”

Sparkler gave Derpy a hug like she always did when she was getting off her shift, then walked out

towards the front of the building to get her bag and take off. Derpy had gotten that bag for her as a

birthday gift the previous year. She’d even taken the time to hand-fasten a muffin onto the snap that

held the bag shut. This had the effect of making Sparkler’s bag look exactly like Derpy’s bag, which is

what she’d wanted.

Sparkler had loved it so much that she could scarcely be seen around without it.

Once Derpy had made sure that Sparkler was gone, she set to the task of getting the graffiti cleaned off

the door. First, she checked to make sure that the door’s lock wasn’t broken in any way. She did this

by locking the door from the inside, then stepping outside before shutting the door and testing to see

whether or not she could get in from outside.

Her experiment was successful- the lock on the back door was indeed still working properly.

Unfortunately for her, this also meant (as she realized a minute too late) she had locked herself out.

Laughing to herself silently, she went around front and came back in through the main entrance,

heading back into the back area.

With that particular fear allayed, she started concentrating on getting the actual spray-painted material

off of her door. She put on some music- heavy metal, as it was her secret musical love- and got started

scrubbing down the door.

Her initial estimate was way off, as to how long it was going to take to get it off. Rather, she had to

spend almost five hours getting it off the door. By the time she was done, she was bone-tired and

wanted nothing better than to head back to her place and collapse into the most comfortable bed ever.

Derpy dragged herself into her office, packing everything up into her own bag. She made sure to mark

her place in the Daring Do book that she was reading, before putting it in the bag.

Just as she was about to lock her office up, she heard the front door open.

“Um, Miss Derpy…?” came a tiny voice from that room. “Are… are you closed? If not, then… well, I’d like

to get a letter mailed off…”

Derpy sighed. Just when she thought she was in the clear, somepony had to come in and want

something done. She knew full well, though, that she just didn’t have the heart to turn them away, so

she set her bag down by the door and walked out into the main lobby.

“Oh hi, Fluttershy! Yeah, sure, let’s get that mailed off for you!”

It was almost nine at night by the time Derpy dragged herself into her home. She let the door shut

behind her as she looked into the dark house. There were times like this where she really hated living

alone. She wanted someone to comfort her, someone to be a listening ear while she unloaded on them

about the problems of the day.

Sadly, because many ponies still saw her as the silly wall-eyed mailmare, they really didn’t include her in

their list of potential partners.

She turned on the kitchen light and went slowly over to the refrigerator. She was sore all over from

the scrubbing, and her dragging movements showed it. Opening the refrigerator, she pulled out some

leftovers and tossed them into the microwave. When they were done, she added two blueberry muffins

to the plate, before heading into the living room to eat.

The muffins were fresh; she’d finished making them that morning, but she hadn’t had time to eat one

before she had to go to work. That was okay in her book, though; it had just given her something to look

forward to for when she got off work and back to her place.

As she sat in the relative darkness- the light from the kitchen was the only light she had at the time- and

slowly ate her dinner, her thoughts were consumed by the predicament she had voiced to Sparkler back

at the office.

She really was concerned about these taggings, even though Sparkler seemed to not think of them as

severely as she did. What could she do about it, though? She was just one pony-

“The town meeting!” she exclaimed out loud. She’d almost forgotten about it. Mayor Mare had come

into the post office the previous day to mail off a package to her cousin, and while she was there

she’d mentioned to Derpy about the town meeting that was going to be taking the place the following

weekend.

Derpy leaned back in her easy-chair and smiled, taking a bite out of the fresh muffins. She’d finally

figured out a way to bring this to everypony’s attention. Now, they had to do something about it.

Now, they would have to take action.

Chapter 2

Mail-Do-Well

Chapter 2

Written by P3RROHAMBRE

The following weekend...

“Excuse me.”

“ Sorry”.

 “Oops.”

“Pardon me.”

Apology after apology left Derpy’s mouth as she tried to squeeze through the narrow lanes of chairs and ponies that had already taken their seat. The pegasus didn’t really expect so many of Ponyville’s residents to show this early for the meeting but then again, being fifteen minutes early might’ve not been considered actually ‘early.’

After passing a few more ponies and more of her sincerest apologies, Derpy found the empty seat her crossed eyes had targeted and plopped her rump on it’s surface. She looked around, taking in her environment. The town hall was big enough to house the entirety of Ponyville but just barely. Windows and pictures of past mayors and political figures that ran Ponyville many moons ago lined the manilla walls.

She swiveled her head to see the heads of stallions and mares that were either discussing things among themselves or simply waiting for this meeting to start, wanting to voice their own concerns and problems.

As did she.

Now graffiti taggings weren't honestly a big deal...if it had been just one out of the clear blue. This was different though. The taggings had been increasing and becoming more frequent and quite bold with their messages. It hurt the mare to see the town she loved and adored being vandalized and slandered in such a way.

Now some would argue that graffiti tagging was a form of art, a way to express one’s very soul if you will. She understood this but not on ponies houses or places of business.

It’s really not that big of a deal anyways.

Sparkler’s words echoed in her mind from yesterday. She still couldn’t wrap her mind around how Sparkler couldn't see it as a big deal. If nothing is done about this, the entire town could possibly end up as one colorful canvas displaying explicit scenes or words.

Derpy couldn’t have that.

Not just for her, but in consideration for her sister, Dinky. Derpy cared much for her unicorn sibling and only wanted to give her the best, which meant that she needed to have her sister learn and grow in a respectable and safe environment.

Derpy looked over to one of the clocks that hung on the wall and checked the time.

11:55 A.M. Five more minutes.

The blonde mare couldn’t wait. Finally something would be done about all this. She would voice her concern and make everypony see what was going on and they would surely agree. Everypony that lived here grown to love this little town and wouldn’t want to see it vandalized and possibly worse.

Right?

“Oh! Hello Derpy,” a cheery voice said from the side and gained the attention of the mail-mare.

“Oh hey!” Derpy replied with a warm smile, seeing Ponyville’s own local librarian and multiple savior, “How are you doing today Twilight?”

The lavender mare took a seat beside Derpy. The pegasus noticed a notebook and quill sticking out of it and figured that Celestia’s protege had come to do what she does best.

Take notes.

“I’m fine. I just got done cleaning some spray paint off my home early this morning. It had rather...questionable words on it. I had to get it off before Spike woke up and saw it.”

Now Twilight? This is getting bad...

“You too? I had the same thing happen to me about a week ago. That’s actually why I came to the town meeting today,” Derpy said, now hoping that Twilight was here for the same reason.

“Is it a real big issue happening in Ponyville?” Twilight inquired, seeming completely oblivious to how big of an issue it really was.

Derpy grimaced inside, a little concerned that even the smartest pony in town didn’t even see it.

“Well, yeah. At least I think so. I’m sure you do too after what happened to your home.”

Twilight simply shrugged as she pulled out her notepad and quill out of her bag with her quill.

“Well it could happen to anypony. I’m sure it was just some colts or fillies trying to get a good laugh or something. Besides, I already put a spell on my home that will keep the little artists from coloring the library again.”

Was that it? Just some random group of young children that were simply trying to get a good laugh? Derpy had a feeling it wasn’t something that simple. She heard about the same cases in Manehatten and though this was not evidence enough to assume that it just wasn’t  random pranks of some sort, she knew one thing.

Ponyville never had these kinds of problems until now. They may seemed small and trivial but Derpy didn’t care for that. The fact that it was happening was reason enough and she really couldn’t imagine any of the children in Ponyville being able to commit such acts.

So what was it?

“Attention! May I please have your attention!” the voice of Mayor Mare called out, making Derpy rip herself from her own questioning.

It seemed her question would have to wait for now.

“Please, can I have your attention!” the mayor said once again but a bit louder this time. The crowd of seated ponies began to silence their voices and end their small conversations.

Derpy Hooves looked over to the mare with her light,grayish amber coat and wearing her signature glasses along with her official looking attire. She stood up on a small stage with a little podium in front with a plethora of papers stacked on it.

“Thank you,” Mayor Mare said as the room went from whispers to complete silence and every pony now gave the political official their undivided attention.

Especially Derpy.

Okay, she’ll probably address a few things. Probably taxes first...

“Alright then. Thank you all for coming. It really shows how much you all care for our beloved town...” she said in a sincere tone.

C’mon, enough of the greetings. We’ve all heard this a million times in the past...

The meeting hadn’t even really begun and the blonde mare was already becoming impatient. Everypony in here had to feel the same. She didn’t care to hear about taxes, as she knew they would stay the same...at least for the mayor’s sake. If she wanted any hope of re-election, it would be wise of her to keep taxes where they’re at.

“Before I open the board to questions and concerns to the fine citizens of Ponyville, I will review the town’s economic standing and what not...”

Derpy sighed under her breath and looked over to Twilight Sparkle. As expected, her quill was scribbling furiously on her notepad, probably writing every single word that came out of Mayor Mare’s mouth.

“....and as always, taxes will stay the same, as I always strive to make sure that they will,” Mayor Mare said in almost a pompous tone.

Ponies began clapping their hooves together in applause for their mayor, happy to hear that their taxes weren’t going any higher. Derpy did the same though she could care less at this point. The impatience and anticipation that was building in her was overwhelming and it took every ounce of control she had just to keep herself from blurting what they should really be talking about.

“Now with that settled, the floor is open to anypony. Remember, this is the time to speak up if you have a concern about our town or if you feel that something should be added or changed to help make Ponyville a better place to live,” Mayor Mare announced with a smile.

Finally!

Derpy was about to jump to all four hooves and voice her concern for her beloved town, but her reflexes weren’t quick enough, as she heard another voice.

“I have a problem, one that I’m sure everypony has!” a pony with a short dark brown mane and a chestnut coat with an hourglass on it’s flank.

“And what would that be Doctor...errr...” the mayor now looked at one of her paper, probably one wiht all the names of Ponyville’s residents. She adjusted her glasses and now looked back at the stallion, “You’ll have to forgive me. It seems I can’t recall your name doctor...?”

“Just call me the Doctor.”

“Alright then...Doctor,” Mayor Mare said with a weird look, “And what would you like to say to help our humble town.”

Derpy looked over intently to the stallion that wore a necktie and perked her ears up. Whatever he was about to say, he sounded a bit upset about it and Derpy knew it had to be about the increase of vandalism and taggings.

Why else would anypony be upset?

“Well, I been noticing something happening that past couple days and I’m sure everypony here at this meeting today has also.”

Ponies began to whisper to themselves and wonder what this stallion was referring to.

Derpy knew and she let a small smile escape her, a bit happy that she wasn’t just the only one.

“And what would that be Doctor?” Mayor Mare asked, her own curiosity now taking hold.

C’mon, tell ‘em Doctor. Tell them what’s happening so we can stop it.

“Pears.”

Derpy’s mouth immediately dropped and her mind went completely blank.

“Uhh..excuse me Doctor? Pears?” Mayor Mare questioned.

“Yes. For the past few days I been taking notice of the increase in pears in the produce and I can’t tell you how much I hate pears. I feel that their an abomination to our product lines and should be abolished.”

The entire hall was silent all with the exception of a few snickers here and there. Derpy closed her jaw before it threatened to hit the floor and simply face-hoofed herself. She now questioned the sanity of some ponies that lived in this town.

“Uhhh...I’ll be sure to take note of that Doctor...thank you for your concern,” the mayor said as she scribbled something down. Probably something along the lines of psychiatric help for the stallion. “Anypony else? This is the time to give your thoughts.”

Your turn! C’mon before some other pony gets up and wastes time!

Derpy obeyed her conscious and stood straight up on all four hooves and immediately called out.

“I do mayor!”

Everypony, including Twilight, now looked over to Derpy with mixed expressions. Some were curious while others just waved her away, seeing her as still that ‘half-wit’ pony, and some just stared with blank faces.

Oh crap...

She could see all eyes were on her and nervousness began to set in. Derpy was usually one to keep attention away from herself but this had to be done.

“Ah, yes Ms. Hooves?” Mayor Mare said with a welcomed tone.

Derpy took a deep breath and swallowed, trying to ignore the many eyes that simply stared at her.

“Well...I been noticing some things going around in Ponyville that I think needs to be brought to everypony’s attention...”

“It better not be pears!” a random pony called out, making the grey mare blush heavily.

The mayor shot a nasty look at the pony, though Derpy didn’t dare look to see who it was or risk losing her nerve to do this.

“Please, let Ms. Hooves speak, thank you.”

“Thank you mayor,” Derpy said coyly, “Anyways, I been noticing some taggings going around in town with graffiti and displaying explicit scenes and images on homes and property in general. Now I don’t know who’s been doing it but I feel that it needs to be stopped.”

“And what solution do you propose Ms. Hooves?”

“I was thinking increasing our police force and maybe hiring a clean-up crew...” she trailed off as loud whispers now were heard again.

Mayor Mare scrunched her muzzle a bit as she stood, seemingly thinking of these propositions.Twilight Sparkle went back to writing notes and Derpy simply stood, waiting for soe type of response.

“Well Ms. Hooves, I appreciate the concern you have but I can’t simply decide to increase our police force or hire a clean-up crew simply for a few...random occurrences.”

Random occurrences?!

“Random occurrences? I don’t think they can be considered random when it keeps happening more and more everyday,” Derpy said, trying to keep her bafflement under the radar.

“Things do happen Ms. Hooves, but even if I was to do what you propose, we have to think of the costs.”

Derpy rolled her cross-eyes.

Of course...it’s alway about bits with you.

The mayor continued. “To hire more police officers and hire a cleaning crew takes bits and the only way we could do that is if the taxes were raised, which in turn, would come out of these well paying citizens.”

The whispers now became louder at the word of higher taxes. Derpy didn’t care for that. So what taxes would have to be raised? It was for the good of Ponyville. Isn’t that what everypony wanted?

“But it would stop the vandalising of homes and businesses!” Derpy rebuked, “I’m sure everypony here agrees with me. If it’s for the good of the town, then raise the taxes!”

Mayor Mare grimaced.

“Alright then...is there anypony here that agrees with Ms. Hooves here?”

Derpy scanned the crowd of seated equines, expecting loads of hooves flying up into the air. Instead, she found none. Ponies just shifted in their seats and looked at each other as if they had no clue what was happening or being discussed.

I can’t believe this!

Derpy looked over to Twilight who was still writing in her notepad.

“Twilight? You think you could help me out here??” Derpy whispered, hoping for some support.

Twilight looked over to Derpy with a sheepish smile.

“Um well...she does have a point Derpy. I really don’t think it’s that big of a deal to go to such lengths. I’m sure it’s just some children trying to be funny is all. It’s nothing malicious.”

Derpy simply couldn’t believe what was going on. Sparkler felt it wasn't a big deal, Twilight felt it was just kids trying to be humorous, and ponies at this town meeting were more worried about saving their bits than thinking about what was best for the town.

“I’m sorry Ms. Hooves, but I don’t think we have enough here to feel it’s something that requires action. I’m sure it will pass-” but she was interrupted by a persistent Derpy.

“What?! It does require action or it’s just going to get worse! We need-”

“Ms. Hooves!”

Derpy immediately silenced herself.

“I understand your concern-”

You obviously don’t...

“But we have more important things to worry about for now. I just don’t see this as something as a priority Ms. Hooves. I’m sorry. Now please take your seat.”

Derpy looked down at the floor and tried to comprehend what was going on. How could no pony see this is not being a big issue? They were okay with this crime going rampant?

I can’t do this...

She felt sick to her stomach; she was disgusted. Ponies seem to only see this as some type of playful joke and it was something that simply could be wiped away. This was not a problem that simply could be left to time to figure out...action needed to be taken.

But what could she do? She had put her hope in the hooves of the citizens and its leader but they only saw it as a joke.

They saw her as a joke.

“Derpy,” she heard Twilight say,” You need to take your-”

Derpy simply lifted her hoof and silenced the librarian.

“I’m...I’m just gonna go.”

With that, Derpy Hooves began to make her way out of the lane of chairs and headed for the exit of town hal. Her head hung down in shame and even embarrassment. No pony understood...no pony cared.

None seemed to understand.