Doughnuts?

by TheFlyingWelshman

Rating: teen
Tags: Dark, Comedy
Length: 1385

An avant-garde deconstructionalist dive into the possibilities and the physiological impact of various pastries, including doughnuts.

An avant-garde deconstructionalist dive into the possibilities and the physiological impact of various pastries, including doughnuts. Nah, it's just a fic that is based on bad puns–which apparently make it really, really grimdark. Kind of funny when you think about it.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-27 05:00:02 UTC

Humble Beginnings

        Twilight raced through the grim, dark streets of Ponyville; hoping that she would find the pony responsible for these horrors. Houses were burning to each side of her. The orange glow from the fires only helped to illuminate the horrors that surrounded her; the blood that filled the streets seemed to glow in the firelight. Ponies lay dying all around‒blood flowing from their bodies like pie filling. She forced their screams from her ears; she had a mission.

        As she reached town hall, her legs froze as she gazed upon the devastated  building. How could she have done all of this in such a short time,I was here no more than two minutes ago, she thought as she stared at what remained of their once great city hall. It looked as though someone had torn it apart with bear claws. All that was left standing now were the supports and a bit of the roof that had collapsed in a lattice. No pony should have this kind of ability, not ever her, after she fried the cakes I thought I had seen the extent of what she could do.

        Twilight made sure to briefly check how badly damaged the building was, afraid of what she might find. She used her telekinesis to move a large piece of wall that had fallen over; she nearly gasped when she saw the bloodied and beaten body underneath;it belonged to mayor mare, and it was still moving.

“Twilight…” her voice was weak and filled with pain. This was the first pony she had seen that would be able to tell her anything, she had to act quickly.

“Mayor! What happened?”

“She came Twilight; she destroyed it all within seconds. Then she left with a smile on her face. She was unlike any pony I had ever seen before; it was like it was just some kind of game to her.”

“Mayor, do you know where she went?” The mayor seemed to be slowly slipping out of consciousness.

“Twilight, stop her…” Just as her final words left her mouth, her head dropped and she was silent. Twilight lowered her head.

“I will, I promise.”

 Twilight wanted to stay with the mayor, all she wanted to do was cry; unfortunately, she couldn’t waste any more time. She had to end this now! She had to think harder, where would she be, Twilight searched her mind for an answer but none came. That is until she heard the laughing. It was something she would never forget. That horrible laughter that seemed to echo throughout the town, once she heard it she knew exactly where she needed to go. Unfortunately, that didn’t make the situation much better. The laughing was coming from the direction of carousel boutique.

                *                        *                        *

Rarity’s heart was pounding in her chest, as she hid in her bureau. She could hear the laughter coming from the bottom floor; it was the same laughter that she heard as countless ponies were murdered, just outside her shop. She could only take solace in the fact that Sweetie Belle was not in Ponyville to see all of this happen. That, however, did not help her current situation. It was cramped and dark in the closet, and she was scared. Trying to calm her rapid breathing, Rarity tried to shift her focus from the maniacal laughter that seemed to echo below her.

Why can’t this all just stop.

Her thoughts were consumed with those words. It all just needed to end and go back to the way things were; to a time in which she wasn’t fearing for her life in a restrictive space. Suddenly, she heard someone coming up the stairs. She held her breath, hoping that she would just pass by,ignorant of the mare shaking in the incredibly tasteful bureau. Rarity heard her walk around and then stop in front of her place of solace. She could only think of what she had yet to accomplish‒and what kind of pain au chocolat she was in for, as she saw the end of her life draw near.

But it never came. There was no knife thrust through the door, no pounding—she was only met with silence. The mare on the other side of the door began to walk away and Rarity let herself relax a bit, letting out a puff pastry of breath. Unfortunately, it was too early to be at ease.

“You didn’t honestly think you would be able to hide from me in there, did you?”

Rarity felt her heart sink, her thoughts became frantic as she began to sweat. No! She is only bluffing there is no way that she knows I’m in here.

“I mean come on who hides in a dresser.That’s soooo cliché”

The game was over and she had lost. The only thing she could do now was face her attacker. If she were going to die today she would face her while she did. She would face her former friend. She walked out of her hiding spot, trying her best to seem calm and confident, but the fear was clear in her voice.

“Fine then Pinkie, I’ll face you, but only to keep my dignity.”

“Oh come on Rarity, don’t try to play the strong mare. I know how afraid you are.It’s time to say Good Pie.”

Rarity knew it was true, but she didn’t want to let her see it. If she were to die today, she would die as a lady

                        *                        *                        *

        A scream echoed from the inside of Sugar Cube Corner, Twilight assumed it must have been Rarity and rushed inside. After she entered she heard some pony walking down the stairs. She thought briefly of hiding, but she knew that it would only delay the inevitable; it was now eclair, she would have to face Pinkie here and now.

Pinkie sauntered down the steps; her pink fur was covered in blood. Twilight shuddered at the very implications. the pink mare spoke; her voice, a horrifying mixture of playfulness and sadism.

“Well, well, if it isn’t Twilight Sparkle. I’m so glad that you were able to join us. That saves me the trouble of finding you. I was about to go on a search for you after I had finished up with Miss Rarity, but it seems you’ve saved me the trouble.”

Twilight wouldn’t back down now, she couldn’t, but after everything that had happened her emotions got the better of her.

“Why are you doing all this? It just started this morning, after we asked you to get some doughnuts from Sugar Cube Corner. It was only for a picnic. Then you went on a rampage and started killing every pony.”

Pinkie twisted her head for a moment and then her entire demeanor changed as quickly as the flip of a switch.

“ooooOOOOOoooohhhh, Doughnuts. I thought you said you wanted me togo nuts.”

Twilight could only stare at her dumbfounded.

“Why are you looking at me like that, it was a simple mistake?”

“Pinkie! You killed nearly half of Ponyville and burned nearly all of it to the ground. I didn’t even think it was possible for some pony to do alone!”

“What? I said it was a mistake, if anything this was your fault for not being clear enough.”

“You literally just killed Rarity. She was one of your closest friends. Doesn’t that make you feel any kind of, I don’t know... REMORSE!?”

“Well yeah, I guess that is kind of bad; but I still don’t think I’m at fault here. It’s about time you take responsibility for your actions Twilight.”

Twilight was in shock, how could any normal po-, oh yeah right. On second thought, she probably should have seen this coming sooner.

“Alright then Pinkie, I just want you to wait her and do literally nothing until I contact the princess and we get this sorted out, in fact you can even stop breathing if you want.”

“Okie Dokey Lokey, also Twilight you might not want to talk like that. Ponies might think you’re crazy or something.”

“Yeah, I’ll be sure to do that.” Twilight slowly backed out the door and then galloped away.

                        *                        *                        *

And so that’s how the element of laughter was sentenced to death; and Equestria was a better place without her wacky batshit shenanigans.