Chapter One: Commuting Nightmares
"If crime doesn't pay, where do the 'officers of the law' expect to get their money from? My smuggling is the only reason they can even pay their bills!" - Discord
"December twenty-eighth; Old mare winter brought not a sheet, not a coat, but a blanket of snow. It's a vast, swirling wonderland of sparkling white pleasure. Let it fill your senses with cascading, fluffy pillows of excitement--"
"Umm, sister? Pray tell, what are you doing?" Celestia asked, cutting Luna off mid-sentence. "And, better yet, why exactly are you recording yourself?"
Luna's expression lit up with excitement. "Because mom got me this awesome recorder for Hearths Warming day! And besides, I'm working on my poetry skills. Maybe one day, if I work hard enough, I might get the chance to perform at the Canterlot Auditorium!" The filly said, gleaming. The morning light twinkled off her eyes as she fiddled with the Sib-Sy recorder, playing with the flash drive and lenses.
"Those are some mighty big dreams for such a small pegasus. Are you sure you have what it takes to be in front of so many other ponies? All of them criticizing you, scanning for even the smallest of slip-ups?" Celestia said sarcastically, trying to stifle a fit of giggles. "Aren't you a little, oh I don't know, scared?"
Luna bit her lip. "S-scared? Me? N-never! But, if I were scared--Even though I'm not, of course, how many ponies would I perform for exactly?" The young blank-flank asked innocently, her longing eyes meeting her sister's.
Celestia raised a forehoof to her chin as she looked to the clouds above for guidance. "I'm not quite sure...A million? Two million? Something around there..." The older sister said with a wink and a smile. "Three million tops."
"T-three m-million? That's like a hundred times my kindergarten class! I-I..." Luna stuttered, wincing. Tears were beginning to form in her frail cyan eyes. "I don't know if I can recite for that many ponies..."
Celestia's attitude quickly shifted from playful and sarcastic to worrisome. Even though she would tease her sister from time to time, she hated herself when she made her cry. Big crowds have always been the filly's phobia. "Luna, please, calm down. I was only kidding...You honestly think I'd let you face that many ponies on your own? Not in a thousand years!" She said genially, wrapping her sister in a hug. "Besides, I'm sure a big tough pony such as yourself can handle twice as many ponies as there would be in the Canterlot Auditorium."
Luna looked from the snow to her sister's smiling face. "Oh Celestia, promise me you'll always be there to comfort me," The small pegasus whispered. "And that you'll never, ever change?"
"I promise." Celestia said in a charmingly simple voice.
And with those words, the two sisters vowed that from that day forth, never shall they split paths. Like night and day, one would not exist without the other. A bond forged in the fires of sisterly-love would cement Luna and Celestia's fates as a whole. No matter how much time would pass, they would never abandon each other.
With fates tied, sun and moon would live the closest of lives, eventually going on to share an occupation: Canterlot Private Police Agents.
Never before had they experienced migraines as they do now...
Task Force Astral
Twenty Years Later...
Luna and Celestia sat at a red light with the song "Low Flier" playing at a reasonable volume. Luna bobbed her head with the music as Celestia tapped her hooves, each of them singing along with the lyrics.
"All, my, friends, know the low flier," Celestia sung. "The low flier is a little higher,"
Meanwhile, Luna echoed the brass. "Da na na na na na NA, na na na na na NA, na na na na na."
Celestia looked from the light to her sister with a grumble. "Ughh, this light is taking forever! If we don't get to work on time, chief's going to have flank-steak...sunny side up!"
Luna cracked at the joke. "Psssh, nice one Sunny Buns, more like Moon Pie if you ask me!" The pegasus said with a laugh. "But seriously, I think this light is seriously out to get us."
"Seriously?" Celestia said cocking an eyebrow.
"Super seriously." Luna chimed back with a chuckle.
The older of the two sisters smirked devilishly. "Well then, I guess we'd better change that." And with a flare of her horn, she concentrated on turning the stoplight green. Celestia broke a sweat as the light slowly dimmed from red...to yellow? "Yellow!? What blasphemy is this!"
"It doesn't matter! Just go through it already! Yellow's close enough!" Luna shouted, shaking Celestia by the shoulders.
In response to the sudden shaking, Celestia stomped on the gas peddle of their beat-up custom 1958 Plymouth Fury and screeched through the yellow light, throwing all thoughts of 'law' and 'reason' out the window. With a "YEEEE HAAAAAW!" The two barreled down Cheever Avenue towards the lower Canterlot police station. Over the course of their sixteen-second joyride the two managed to hit practically everything on the left sidewalk.
Luna's face was a mix between horror and ecstasy as she looked up from her hooves to her sister's face. "Oh. My. Gosh. Sister, dost thou have any idea how many laws thine hast just broketh!?"
"Oh, I don't know, thirty?" Celestia said smugly, fixing her hair while she was still stopped. "Thirty six, tops, am I right?" The unicorn continued with a flick of her mane.
"Actually, more like forty-one. Forty-two if you want to include the cabbage cart we tipped over," The younger sister said hotly, now looking over her shoulder at a furious earth pony halfway down the street. "Boy, I don't think I've ever seen a pony that mad over a few dozen cabbages."
Celestia donned a set of black-out shades before turning her gaze back to the road. "Sister, you know not of the heartache that cabbages --And their mystical properties-- can bring..."
Luna sighed. "Honestly, I can't make heads or tails of what you just said. Hey look, the light's green. Now we can finally get to--" Luna stopped as Celestia slammed on the brakes, throwing her shades clean off her face.
"Oh c'mon!" The older sister said with a shake of a hoof. "Are you bucking serious!" The older sister swore, looking to the heavens. In complete contrast to the city, a farmer was corralling a group of about six dozen chickens across the intersection before the two soon-to-be-late officers. In the heart of the crossing, the farmer sat upon a pig shouting 'Wilfred' as he and his fowl meandered to the other end of the street. "Okay, that's it. Sister," Celestia said in a heated tone, now looking Luna in the eyes. "Grab my hoof."
"Ooooh noooo. No. Nuh-uh. Nope. I don't think so. You're not going to do what I think you're going to--"
Celestia shook Luna by the shoulders. "I said grab my hoof!"
Luna warily grasped her sisters hoof as her horn flared with magical energy. "I'm going to die going to work today, aren't I? I'm totally going to die in this car. And worst of all, you're the last thing I'll ever see!"
"Shut up! We're making it to work on time if it's the last thing we do!" Celestia shouted, going into deep magical concentration, turning her face turning from its usual alabaster sheen to a shade of reddish pink.
Luna scrunched her face in worry. "Easy, sis. Don't have a hernia or anything..." And for what felt like the hundredth time today, Luna was interrupted before she could finish a sentence as Celestia's magic blinked herself, the car, and Luna into slip-space. "Aahhhhhh"
The Plymouth was on all four wheels, no fires were burning, and both sisters were still alive. The only thing that seemed to bother Luna was the weird mob music that was playing on the radio --however fitting it may be-- at a low volume. Stretching her fore-legs, the younger of the two sisters creaked open the door and flopped out. "Uggh, my head's pounding something fierce," She whispered to herself, stopping to catch her breath before looking over her shoulder at her sister. "You still alive over there, Sunspot?"
Celestia grumbled as she withdrew a bottle of Aspirin from the glove-box. "Other than feeling like Chrysalis looks, I'm fine. At least I think I am, anyway..." The unicorn said with a wink. Swallowing two Aspirins before getting out of the car, she turned off the strange music and walked up to her sister's side. "Heh, looks like we made it just in time."
Luna checked her watch; "Eight o' clock on the dot. That's an academy record right there." She said with a giggle. "Maybe Cadence and Chrysalis'll finally shut up about us being late for once."
"Now now, let's not expect too much from those two. After all, the chief calls us rivals for a valid reason."
Luna laughed out loud. "And a valid reason it is. Hey, sis. Did you catch up on the latest intel with Discord's little gang?"
"No, I hadn't. Why?" Celestia asked as she telekinetically opened the garage door to the station. "Did somepony else get him before we did? Because if they did, ooooh, they'll be blood to pay..." The unicorn said maniacally to herself, rubbing her fore-hooves together.
Luna's face turned from tired to startled in a flash. "Uhh, no, sister. Nopony's caught him yet..." She said shortly. Looking from her sister's face to the ground, then back again to Celestia she continued. "Well, anywho, Discord's apparently been smuggling more than Candy Cloud into Equestria lately. Apparently, the fiend's been involved in the trade of Harmony, a hallucinogenic designed to make the world seem, well, more harmonic. Why a draconequus with the middle name 'Chaos' is selling Harmony is anypony's guess. Hey, Celestia, are you even listening to me?" The pegasus said, tapping a fore-hoof against the stone steps they've been climbing.
Celestia yawned as they climbed the last set of fives steps into the building. "I'm sorry, have you been talking? I think I'm coming down with a cold."
Luna's face twitched. "I'm going to kill you one of these days. Just you wait," Luna said, preparing a rant for the remainder of the thirty second walk to the chief's office. "You know what? Never mind. I'm sorry for throwing that wall of text at you, it's my fault for not taking your goldfish brain into account." And with a whirl of her wings, she was aside her sister again.
Celestia inhaled sharply before letting out a dainty cough. "I'm sorry, did you say something Luna?" She said without looking away from the door.
"Oh, it's not what I said that you should be worrying about..." Luna growled.
"Psssh, your death-threats just seem to keep piling up lately. I'm beginning to wonder if you'll ever follow through!" Celestia said, now grinning like a mad-pony.
Luna raised a hoof to protest, but quickly lowered it. She put on a poker face before donning her own pair of shades. "I guess you could say that the death-threats have been..."
"Don't even say it, or I swear on Faust's grave it'll be the last word you--"
"Doubled?" Luna quipped, sticking out her tongue like a little filly.
Celestia lunged with her left fetlock fast, but not before the smaller of the two took to the air. "Oh ho ho, looks like somepony's feeling gutsy today. Maybe you'll ask Sombra out for that date you've been wanting all your life!" The unicorn said with a hearty laugh.
"Oh hardy har harr. The day he gets a mare as fine as myself is the day Faust starts designing children's toys." Luna remarked with a laugh of her own.
"Heh, that'll be the day. Speaking of which," Celestia said, now remembering she was right outside the chief's office. "Let's go see what Ms. F has in store for us today."
"Probably a promotion because, honestly, why not?" Luna said before opening the door.
One Brief Conversation Later...
"We're still on the case, aren't we?" Luna asked, although already knowing the answer.
Celestia winked. "You know it."
The two sisters trotted briskly from the chief's doorway to the main hall. In the far left end sat the office they'd come to call 'Home-away-from-home' and where they would plan their next attack. Or, at least that's what Celestia liked to call it. Unfortunately for the mares, they needed to pass three other offices. Respectively, the offices contained Sombra and Calypso, Fancypants and his duck Jerry, and last (And least, as well) Chrysalis and Cadence.
Celestia and Luna passed Sombra and Calypso's office with a smile/wave combination without a hitch.
"Just keep smiling, just keep smiling." Luna hummed to herself.
Fancypants merely looked up from his computer with a grin. "Top of the morning, ladies. How're we doing this fair-weathered Monday?"
Celestia sighed. "Oh, nothing too out of the usual. And yourself?" She asked sincerely. Fancypants was one of the few ponies she didn't mind being withing ten feet of.
"So fine it should be a sin! Best of luck catching Discord, I know you'll get him soon!" And with that, he turned back to his keyboard. Jerry quacked at Luna, making her jump slightly.
The younger of the sisters raised a hoof to the left of her muzzle, canceling the sound to Chrysalis's door. "We're almost home free! Just ten more steps and--"
But, as if on cue, Cadence was at the doorway. "Girls! It's so weird to see you at work on time...are you feeling alright today, Celestia?" Cadence said to a stoic alabaster unicorn. Eying her up and down, Celestia refused to move a muscle. "It's not like you to say nothing to my face! Did you scratch Christine or something?"
Now it was Luna's turn to sigh. "Y'know, Cadence. It's not nice to talk with your mouth full,"
Cadence stared quizzically at Luna. "I beg your pardon? My mouth's completely empty, thank you very much!"
"Then how come I keep smelling garbage whenever you talk?" Celestia quipped, causing Luna to break out laughing.
A very angry Cadence stormed back into her office before cracking it for one last word. "We'll see whose laughing when me and Chryssy catch Discord first!"
"In your dreams, sugar-cube. Actually, probably not even there." Luna insulted back. "I think I already know what you dream about!" And with a flourish, Luna was making kissy faces as she whispered, "Oh, Chrysalis. Oooh Chrysalis!"
Cadence made a raspberry before slamming the door. Celestia, who had been rolling on the floor, looked up at her partner. "My sides! They burn!" And reached out a fore-hoof. "Oh, please. No more. Not right now, anyway," She continued, now being hoisted up by Luna. "Let's go see what we can dig up on Discord today. I have a few solid leads that connect him to this gryphon chick in down-town Fillydelphia."
Luna creaked open their office door and took a seat. "Fillydelphia, ehh? I don't believe I've ever been."
"Yeah, neither have I. I hear that they have great bananas there though!" Celestia said with a wink.
"You've got to be the weirdest pony I know. I'm dead serious, too. Who else do I know who thinks of bananas when they mention a city?" Luna ranted, grasping a cup of coffee with her right wing before lifting it to her muzzle. "Aaaaah, sweet nectar of the gods. Where would I be without you?"
"Probably not on the kidney-transplant list." Celestia stated with a hearty laugh. "Or, at the very least, ten pounds lighter."
"Y-you can't be serious! I'm thinner than you are by a long-shot!" The younger sibling blurted, pointing an accusing hoof at Celestia's stomach. "And the last time I checked, coffee doesn't cause kidney failure."
"Boy, I'd hope not. But seriously, pack your bags. We're heading to Fillydelphia! The city of brotherly love!" Celestia said with a flare of her horn, whisking several Hawaiian-themed shirts into a briefcase.
Luna nearly spit out her coffee with the sudden statement. "Right now? B-but we've barely gotten settled into work this week!" The pegasus whined. "Who'll do all our paperwork while we're gone?"
Celestia leaned her face into her sister's and whispered, "Don't you worry your pretty little face. I got your boyfriend's daughter Calypso to handle the paperwork. That lucky mare and her shadowy powers..."
"I'm not even gonna ask. But, okay then. What's the plan? Search all of Fillydelphia for this one gryphon? I'm pretty sure half the city's gryphons. At least, that's what I've been told." Luna asked, scratching the back of her neck. "Gosh, I can never get that itch! It's like my back is purposely out to get me!"
"Bah, quit your complaining," Celestia droned as she levitated a fork up and down her sister's back. "There. Happy?"
Luna groaned. "So. Much. Better..." She mumbled, her eyes derping as the fork vanquished the itch from her back and neck. "But enough with these trivial antics. Fillydelphia awaits, does it not?"
"Mhmm. I suppose you're right. If we're going to find this...hmm, what was her name again..." Celestia droned, turning towards her computer. After a couple clicks of the mouse, the unicorn came upon the photo of a brown-coated, white-feathered, angry-looking gryphon. "Ah, here...Ms. Gilda, is it? I'm sure we're going to be the best of friends."
Luna smirked. "Fillydelphia, here we come."
Meanwhile, across the hallway...
Chrysalis unplugged her headphones before turning to her partner with a wicked smile. "Hey Caddy, guess who's going to Fillydelphia?"
Cadence's face lit up like a Nightmare Night pumpkin at the news. "Really! I've always wanted to go to Fillydelphia! I hear that they have the best bananas in Equestria!"
Chrysalis cocked an eyebrow. "And you're sure you're not related to Celestia? Like, one-hundred percent?"
"Ahh, shut up! We're going to Fillydelphia!" Cadence yelled, throwing her hooves into the air. But, a moment later, her smile turned into a frown. "Wait, Chrysalis. Whose going to do our paperwork while we're out?"
"Hehe, don't worry sweetie. I shot our good friend Calypso a message while I was listening in on those two idiots, and she said she'd take care of everything in exchange for a...favor. So, pack your bags, we're leaving in twenty minutes!"
"Yay!"
Meanwhile, further down the hallway...
"Jerry, do you hear what I hear? It would seem our compatriots are all headed to Fillydelphia for the week. Do you know what this means, my fine feathered friend?" The secret-service pony prompted to his aquatic friend.
Jerry's head turned ninety degrees and, with a ruffle of his feathers, quacked. "Wenk?"
"Precisely. Now, how're we to find somepony willing to take on our work for the week?" Fancypants asked, now pondering the question. He raised a hoof to the air with an "Ah ha!" and proceeded to knock on the wall behind him. "Excuse me, Calypso dear, are you in your office?"
From the other side, a feminine voice answered the question. "Sure thing, Fancy. I'm all ears." Calypso said half-heartedly. "Let me take a guess, you need somepony to handle your paperwork while you're in Fillydelphia?"
Fancypants winced. "B-but, how could you possibly know this? I've not breathed a word of these plans to any--"
"I'll do it...for a favor."
Fancypants brought a hoof to his chin. "What type of favor are we talking about, exactly?"
Calypso sighed a deep sigh before stepping into Fancypants's office. The beautiful gold and gray earth pony was the living embodiment of contrast. Her face bore the impression of concern, peppered with curiosity, energy, and something...more. "Oh, nothing really, just a small favor in which I can exchange at any point. Good for the next three months. So, Fancypants," The mare said fluently to the stallion before her. "Do we have a deal? Your paperwork for a week in exchange for a favor?"
Fancypants nodded his head fervently. "Yes! That sounds like an excellent deal, my dear Calypso! Thank you a thousand times over!" The cream-coated detective explained. "I owe you one!"
"Most excellent indeed, Mr. Fancypants." Calypso whispered, turning her back on her fellow officer. "Better get packing."
Fancypants carried Jerry to the closet. "Get ready, Jerry! We're to be in Fillydelphia by this evening!"
Jerry looked from Calypso to Fancypants, then back to Calypso. "Wenk?"
Outside the hall, Calypso let out a low chuckle. "Ahh, so many favors, so little time. Now..." The mare hummed to herself, cracking the bones in her fetlocks. "Let's see what we can dig up on this 'Gilda' with the whole office to ourselves!"
Armed with questionable knowledge, the officers of the Upper Canterlot P.D. prepared to journey to the city of brotherly love, Fillydelphia. Some ponies say that it's the one city that's always sunny, others say a dark cloud looms over its horizon like a hunter to their prey. How will Fillydelphia treat its newest group of eager, young officers? Only time will tell.
Chief Faust signed her signature on the last order form of the day before levitating a walkie-talkie to her muzzle. "They know."
