What Stallions Want

by Someguy987

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Comedy, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 3827

Twilight Sparkle receives a book in a new shipment from Canterlot, and discovers one with an ominous warning followed by a very interesting spell

Twilight Sparkle receives a book in a new shipment from Canterlot, and discovers one with an ominous warning followed by a very interesting spell

Pssst the picture's watching you

Published 2012-12-28 01:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-28 01:10:02 UTC

if you don't click your mother will die

What stallions want

It had been a particularly slow day at the library. Nopony had any desire to reread the same few books again. So Twilight had requisitioned a few from the Canterlot archives. The dull monotonous ticking of the clock hanging in the living room was currently the focus of her attention. She sat still hoping that by staring at the clock hard enough the hands would move faster, they did not.

From outside Twilight could hear the screeching of wheels, and pained grunts. Curious, she took a look out of the window, and saw Iron Will pulling a massive cart of books and tomes marked from the archive's. To the door she rushed, and ripped it open before the minotaur could even lift his hand to rasp on it.

"Hi Iron what are you doing here?"

"Delivering books."Iron Will stated flatly.

"How did you get into delivering books?"

"Well miss Sparkle I took this job because after the Fluttershy incident nopony wanted my advice anymore leaving me out of a job." Iron will stated as flatly as he could, and failed spectacularly, the crescendo in his voice had become noticeable by the end.

"As to why I took this job in particular. Well it seems that many previous delivery ponies to this particular residence have complained of chronic back pain." He said rubbing his lower-back.

"Well I'm sure they'll be fine," Twilight said with an awkward chuckle,"so do I have to sign something or what?"

"No that's about it *COUGH*."

"Well then good day to you, I've got some sorting to do."

"Bitch." Came a barely audible response.

The rest of the day passed quickly as Twilight and Spike sifted through the cartful of books.

Spike had just waddled in carrying the final armload of books. His biceps had grown considerably due to the continuous strain they had dealt with that day. When Twilight reached the final book in the pile she noted something off about it. There was a small sticky note that read 'please do not touch.' Naturally she had to disregard this 'suggestion' in order to sate her curiosity. Upon opening the book she found a similar sticky note that read 'you have been warned.'

Removing the notes Twilight regarded the title of the book *101 Mind Reading Spells*.

The first spell she came across read as such. UNLOCKING THE DOOR TO THE MALE MIND. This first spell is one of the easiest. For reading the minds of stallions could practically be done without the aid of magic. So long as care is taken, and the spell not used to its fullest, one should be perfectly safe. The full use of this spell may result in hallucinations, madness, loss of male friends, or the inability to look another male in the eye ever again. For even though a stallion's mind is relatively simple that does not mean it cannot go into strange, and dark places that even the insane fear to tread. One must always remember that there is no stranger place than the minds of perfectly ordinary ponies.

"Pftt. I'm the element of magic, in addition to being one of the most powerful unicorns on the planet. I'm sure I can do max right off the back." Twilight told no one in particular.

NOTE: Once cast this spell will last for twelve hours despite any attempt to disable or otherwise inhibit its usage.

P. S. Once cast no mention of this spell may be made while it is active.

Glancing towards the clock. Which now read close to midnight. Twilight yawned, cracked her joints, and trotted up the steps.

"It looks like a fun spell to try out, *YAWN* but I guess I'll do it tomorrow."

So Twilight crawled into bed, and fell into a deep dreamless sleep.

Twilight awoke with the smell of pancakes sizzling downstairs. She jumped out of bed, and regarded the clock on the wall. It read 7:00. With a certain hopeful optimism Twilight levitated the spell book over to herself, and began to cast the spell.

There was a flash, and a loud bang. Then all was dark. When she regained consciousness the clock now read 7:10, and the scent of buttery syrup wafting up from downstairs confirmed that it was still morning.

She trotted down the stairs wary of any stray sounds or odd words that sounded out of place in her own mind. After hearing none she continued to the kitchen, hoping to snag a pancake from Spike.

"Good morning Spike how'd you sleep last night," Twilight asked casually, while maneuvering herself into the perfect position to grab a morsel with her telekinesis.

"I slept great, why do you ask?" I've gotta ask Twilight to gimme some money for a new mattress.

"What was that about money Spike. Because if its for a new mattress I'll gladly give you the money."

"Uh Twilight I didn't say anything about money or a mattress." Lucky guess I've had that same mattress for like two years, and I'm always complaining about getting paid. Yeah that's probably it.

The thoughts in Spike's head were laid bare for Twilight to hear, clear as if she were speaking with him. She was going to enjoy this.

"So Spike I've been thinking you've had that same mattress for about two years now so I think it's about time you got a new one. Also I really should pay you more often, and how's a 10% raise sound."

Celestia's crap she really can read minds. Okay don't think about Rarity naked. Don't think about Rarity naked. Don't think about Rarity naked. Wait a minute she's always naked, oh crap no, now I'm thinking about her in those black silk socks she likes to wear when she thinks no one's looking. Oh sweet Celestia just shut up, and don't think.

Twilight sat in silence as the mental images Spike had been imagining forced their way into her mind, and planted themselves firmly into her brain.

"Spike, Spike, SPIKE!!" Twilight yelled, finally snapping the small purple lizard out of his thought process.

"Yes Twilight?" Spike asked now panting heavily.

"Uhh I'll see you later."

"YES LATER IS GOOD I SHALL SEE YOU LATER BE SURE TO GO, AND BUY SOME APPLES BEFORE YOU COME BACK LATER. OK LATER." Spike yelled pushing Twilight out of the door.

Twilight now walked down to the marketplace, picking up stray thoughts from stallions she passed. Mostly they were benign greetings or comments, with an occasional lewd though strewn in between. All with the exception of Dr. Whoves who was more concerned with Daleks than anything at the moment.

Twilight continued forward, until she had reached the apple stand. To her surprise it was not AppleJack tending the cart, but Big Macintosh.

"Good morning Big Mac. Is AppleJack around today."

"Nope."he replied in his standard stoic expression. What I'm not good enough for ya bitch.

Twilight was taken aback, she stared at him while his mouth remained shut, and stuck in a half smile.

"You wouldn't happen to know what happened to her would you."

"She's been feelin' under the weather lately, that's why I've taken over the stand for the day." Celestia damn her. Why's she gotta be on the rag this week, this was my vacation time. Now that I think about it she always hits her time of the month around my vacation... time. FUCK. Oh shit that's right Twilight.

"Anyways how may I help you today miss Twilight." And please say to nail you like a 2X4 until the sun goes down.

"WHAT NOTHING LIKE THAT."

He only stared at her with an eyebrow raised.

"I mean I wish to purchase some apples."

And here I thought you wanted to stop for idle chit-chat.

"Pick any you'd like."

So Twilight began to browse the various types of apples, high and *low.* damn gurl back that ass up. Just like that. Yeah baby shake that ass show me watcha workin' with.

Twilight could only stand there frozen in shock, as Big Macintosh's mental images went from that of her rear-end to those of the two intertwined in what appeared to be her living room. One of these days I am gonna tear that pussy up. Yeah! She'll be moanin' n' groanin', then she'll be all like. His internal monologue switched to a nasally mock of her usual tone of voice. Oh sweet Celestia, oh Celestia. That reminds me, I should probably write a letter to the Princess right now hold on a sec. Yeah she probably would do something like that, seriously she needs to get laid. Preferably by me.

"You know what I think I'll send Spike down for some later, after all I forgot my saddlebags."

"Eeyup."

With that she trotted down the street, and away from the perverted stallion. I'll be damned he was right, she really does look better going away rather than coming toward.

Picking up her pace she trotted down to Sugarcube Corner. After all a married stallion with two kids was sure to have cleaner thoughts than a social recluse with few friends right? Right. she silently prayed she was right.

A short while later, and she was at the front door of the establishment. Walking inside she noted that all of the patrons were mares, and the only stallion was Mr. Cake working the counter.

"Good morning Mr.Cake where are Pinkie, Mrs.Cake and the foals."

"Pinkie's looking after the foals upstairs, and I'm not sure where Cupcake wandered off to." Probably off nailing some alicorn or something. I always knew that great-second-uncle twice removed thing was a load of bs.

Hmmm maybe he's not as stupid as everypony thinks he is.

"What can I get for you dearie?" Carrot asked with an ever present grin on his face.

"I'll have a cupcake if you would be so kind."

"Anything else?" Fatass.

"On second thought how about a low-cal bran muffin."

What a shame I like 'em chunky too. "It'll just be a moment dearie."

A few moments later Carrot returned with a bran muffin, Twilight paid, and took a seat at the nearest table.

I wonder what the hell Pinkie's doing with the foals right now. Probably teaching them how to make fingers on their hooves or something equally as stupid. Actually that would kind of explain the moans I was hearing from her room the other day. I wonder if she and Twilight ever get into some special study time together. That'd be hot, and I wouldn't put it past her, that mare's crazy. As for Twilight, everypony knows the quiet ones are always into the kinky shit.

Although if she ever did go mouth to south she'd probably go write the Princess about it. Dear Princess Celestia I just wrote to tell you that I discovered the magic same sex relationships, and that getting married is for suckers being single's the way to go whoo-hoo. Love Twilight Sparkle, ready and waiting.

Oh crap she's coming. Heh cumming. Oh no she can read thoughts and figured out all that nasty shit I said about her quickly. Rubber ducky your the one who makes bath-time loads of fun.

"Mr.Cake I'd like another bran muffin please."

"O-of c-course dearie. This one's on the house."

Twilight now resumed her snack at her previous seat, appalled by the fact that a married stallion could have such perverse thoughts

Calm down old boy, you really need to get laid man calm down. Sucks that Cup's still trying this stupid one week thing. Although I suppose I could always just rub one out. Yeah that's what I'll do rub one out, and into the cupcake batter no less. That'll teach those ponies not to mess with me.

At this point Twilight calmly got up, and walked out the door. She then proceeded to empty the contents of her stomach into the nearest bush, and vowed to never eat at Sugarcube Corner again.

Twilight was now on a crusade to see if every male mind in Ponyville was in fact perverted to its core. Her next stop would be easy to disprove her theory, Ponyville Elementary. Outside of the schoolhouse Twilight saw Snips and Snails chatting under a tree.

"Good morning boys lovely day isn't it."

"I guess." Replied Snips. I wonder what Miss Twilight wants.

{Snails}

"So what have you boys been talking about all day?" Twilight inquired.

"Stuff."

"Stuff?"

"And things."

"Well would you look at the time it looks like I've got to be going now. Bye."

Huh Big Mac was right she really does look better going than coming.

It is morning isn't it?

Giving a disheartened sigh Twilight continued on her quest. She walked aimlessly around town eventually ending up at Rainbow Dash's house. Looking around she saw that Soarin was circling Rainbow's house before landing in front of her.

"Good... whatever time of day it is Soarin. May I ask what you're doing here in Ponyville. Shouldn't you be off practicing with the other Wonderbolts."

Oh crap who is this again? Soarin thought as a grin grew across his face. Now what's her ass tat, that should tell me what her name is.

"I'm Twilight Sparkle by the way." She said not giving Soarin a chance to check out her flank.

"Good... afternoon I guess. I'm here assess Rainbow Dash's potential for Wonderbolt training." And to ask her out in the process.

"I haven't seen her all day she's probably still on her weather duty."

Ha doodie.

"Do you know what time she might be in Ms. Sparkle."

"Unfortunately I don't... oh wait there she is." Twilight said while pointing at a rainbow colored speck in the distance.

"That's her isn't it well I guess I'll be off then." What a shame too. I don't usually like mares with a little more cushion for the pushin' but I think I'd make an exception for Nightlight Sprinkles here.

With a flap of his wings and a gust of wind he was off, and speeding towards the speck that was Rainbow Dash. A small huff later and Twilight was now trotting to the park hoping that this entire ordeal would be over soon.

Before she arrived at the park however she bumped face first into a massive wall of snow white, well toned flesh. Looking up she saw none other than Snowflake Ponyville's resident bodybuilder, and local mathematics instructor.

"I'm so sorry."

Why does everypony always apologize. I even bumped into her on purpose what the hell.

"Dear Celestia no, why another one."

Bitch.

"I'm sorry. That was rude of me I've just been having the weirdest day tod-." He gently raised one of his hooves to her mouth, and quieted her.

Please shut the fuck up. I don't want to hear about your baby squirrel penis problems, I've got elephant cock troubles.

"Is there anything you'd like to talk about, it's the least I can do after bumping into you like that." Twilight asked the massive stallion.

"YEAH." What the hell's this rash on my ass I keep scratching it but that only seems to make it worse. And now I think its started to spread to my hooves. I knew that two bit hooker in Manehattan was too good to be true. How was I supposed to know it had a penis, but c'est la vie. better not tell her she'd probably go off, and send a letter to Princess Celestia. Dear Princess Celestia an acquaintance whom i wish to have hot sweaty sex with for hours at a time got a rash from a Manehattan tranny any advice.

"Heh, if you don't want to talk about anything then I'll just be on my way if you don't mind." Twilight said as she awkwardly shuffled around the slab of meat, careful to avoid touching him anymore than she already had.

Now what Twilight needed was a place devoid of male life. Carousel Boutique. No stallion would be caught dead entering or leaving such a girly place. Perfect.

Twilight now raced through the streets of Ponyville disregarding the looks she was getting, as well as any stray remarks she received on her figure. She could now see the boutique. One final burst of speed, and she was there. Throwing the door open Twilight plopped herself down onto the nearest chair.

What the devil was that?

Oh no.

Trotting into the room was none other than Fancypants himself.

"Good afternoon miss Sparkle may I ask what brings you into miss Rarity's fine establishment today. And in such a disheveled sate no less." I do hope miss Sparkle's alright.

"I'm alright Fancypants. Is Rarity in, I wanted to see if she would let me stay here for a few hours."

"Unfortunately I must inform you that Rarity stepped out to procure us some refreshments. And I am here to discuss some business arrangements we had today. Perhaps we could wait for her together."

"That sounds lovely thank you."

The two sat in silence for a few minutes with only the occasional word passed between the two. Twilight had her eyes focused on Fancypants' the entire time. Both had smiles on her face.
Quit staring at my monocle pissant. Twilight dropped her gaze a bit. Or my mustache. Her gaze dropped more. Yes my glorious mustache. You only wish you had such a glorious mustache adorning your face pissant. To think Fleur-De-Lis actually wanted me to shave this thing. I told her that I'll shave my face when she shaves my balls. I think we know who won that argument.

"May I ask how your wife's doing Fancypants?"

"She is doing excellent, and might I inquire if you hold anypony dear to your heart." She's most likely one of those 'homosexuals' I've heard so much about. I wonder if she and Rarity are a thing.

"Not yet, but I do have my eyes on a stallion."

"Is he from around here?" Of course he is, she obviously loves these inbred types.

"From Manehattan actually."

"Manehattan, really? Perhaps I know of him." Most likely a gangster or some such thing.

"He's one of the Orange's."

"Orange is he." Pack of miscreants they are. "I'll be sure to keep an eye out for further developments then."

"So miss Sparkle I hear your the Princess' personal protégé is that correct?"

"And an Element of Harmony."

A modest one I see.

"May I ask some of what your accomplishments are?"

"Now let's see. I'm captain, and owner of several airships, I'm happily married to Fleur-De-Lis, and I have a majority share in Future Industries."

"That's amazing it must quite a hoofful with everything going on?"

"Damned right it is." Pissant.

"E-excuse me?"

"My apologies a slip of the tongue."

DING

"Oh my that appears to be Rarity I should really be on my way."

"I thought you wished to stay here and recover from some ordeal you have been suffering?"

"I've begun to feel much better since speaking with you."

"Glad I could have been of some assistance."

Twilight turned, and began to trot away hoping to hide under a rock until the twelve hours were up.

I must say she has quite a nice rear for a mare with something extra.

"Good afternoon darling how have you been?"

"Just fine Rarity, I was just leaving."

"Is that so how disappointing. Would you at least like a cupcake for the road, I just got them from Sugarcube Corner."

"NEVER AGAIN!!!"

With Twilight ran out of the front door, her gaze fixed on the ground. She ran until her lungs burned, and muscles ached crying for her to stop. Now even her labored breaths were painful, and the only thought in her head was that of reaching the safety of home hoping that this was all some sort of insane, perverse fever dream. She turned her head to the side, and saw a pitch black minotaur for a fraction of a second. That was more than enough however for his thoughts to invade the sanctity of her mind. I'd hit that but I'd probably tear her in half.

She didn't stop nor even slow her pace, Twilight only turned her head to the side. This too proved to be a mistake, as a large green bipedal ape met her gaze for an instant. I wonder what horse pussy's like. Twilight strained against painful, cramping muscles, as she pushed farther towards her goal of the library. Cautiously she peeked up to see if she was nearing her destination. BAM. She had. Before she lost consciousness she spun around, and saw Carousel Boutique in the distance.

Twilight awoke groggily, in her bed for some reason. There she could see Spike sleeping soundly at the foot of her bed. Gently she prodded the small reptile with one of her hooves.

"Spike," she said gently, " you awake sleepy head?"

"Hmmm wazzat Rarity you need me ta help me take off your socks sure."

"Spike." She said more forcefully, rousing the young drake from sleep.

"Huh? Wut?"

"Spike what happened."

"Oh that I found you passed out, and I put you back into bed, and then *YAWN* and then the bed was just so comfy and soft, and the blankets so warm I guess I fell zzzzz."

Glancing to the clock, its dull, monotonous, eternal race showed that it was in fact 7:05. The curtains were drawn, and gently she levitated Spike off of her bed, and back into his basket.

Bitch.

"What did you just say Spike?"

"I didn't say anything. Why?"

"No reason."

Quickly Twilight bounded down the stairs, and dug through a mountain of books. A short while later, and she had located her prize. The book she had detested since opening it early in the morning. The thought of this whole ordeal was almost more than she could handle, but she fought through quivering legs and made her way to the fireplace which had a toasty flame devouring the logs within.

Twilight tossed the heathen book into the blaze of her fireplace. She gleefully watched as the pages blackened, and crumbled to ash before her eyes. However before the back cover crumpled into nothing she saw a sticky note on the inside.

"FROM THE PRIVATE COLLECTION OF HRH PRINCESS CELESTIA. TROLOLO."

*Dear Princess Celestia

GO FUCK YOURSELF IN THE ASS WITH A CACTUS COVERED IN HOT SAUCE!

Sincerely Twilight Sparkle.

Author's Note

First off I'm sorry to the one guy who's mother actually did die after clicking the link I'm sorry there's no way I could've known your mother would die.

On an unrelated note this is the single longest chapter I've written thus far. *claps sarcastically*
Also wanted to make it longer, and include shiny but I felt that may have made things a bit awkward. That bit mostly revolved around cadence being pregnant.