Classic Tales as Told by Discord
“All right class,” chirped Cheerilee as she entered the class room. She erased the chalkboard and turned towards the foals at their desks. “Today I have a very special surprise guest coming in to read to us classic stories.”
There were murmurings of approval throughout the classroom. “Ah, hope that it’s Princess Luna,” whispered Applebloom to Sweetie Belle.
“Now,” said Cheerilee. “Before we-“
BANG!
“HELLO KIDDIES!”
A giant serpent-like being had crashed through the ceiling of the room and was now staring at the class with his crazy red eyes and a toothy grin.
“OH MY SWEET MERCIFUL CELESTIA! DISCORD’S LOOSE! POLICE!” Cheerilee screamed and ran for the door but not before Discord slammed a bucket on top of her head. She fell on the floor and tried pushing the bucket off her head to no avail.
“Gotcha!”
The class, after taking a moment to absorb what was happening then started screaming. Some of them tried to make a run for the door, but when they opened it, all they could see was the black void of space staring back at them.
“Where are you going kids? I’m here to read stories for ya,” said Discord as he plopped himself on a throne made of books that had appeared out of nowhere. “Get back to your desks.”
The little foals just stared wide-eyed at the crazy god.
“NOW!”
The foals complied and all hurried back to their assigned seats as quickly as they could. Cheerilee had risen from the floor but was still struggling with the bucket. “Whem I get dis off mmf, I’m goingmf to aaaaagh!” She slammed her head against the wall as hard as she could with a ‘BONK’ and then she fell on the floor unconscious.
“Now that that’s all settled, let’s get this show on the road,” said Discord. He pulled a book out from under himself and looked at the cover. “How many of you like the story of Cinderella?”
“Oooh I do!” Sweetie Belle said cheerfully.
“Well good, because I’m not reading it,” said Discord and he threw the book behind him and it exploded. “Instead, I’m going to tell you the REAL story!” He pulled out another book from his throne.
A long time ago in a distant land far far away, there lived a poor Changeling house maid by the name of Chrysa- Chrysarella. Her step-mother, Princess Cele-Celery was an evil, fat, smelly, white alicorn with a giant butt. She was also dumb and her breath smelled like dead kittens. Chrysarella’s step-sisters, Candace and Lulu, were the same way except Lulu was blue and her breath smelled like dead puppies and Candace was pink and her breath smelled like dead fish.
They would constantly order Chrysarella around and treat her like dirt. When the step-sisters and step-mother would have a grand feast at the fancy dining table, Chrysarella would be forced to eat wood-chips from a dog bowl. When Celery invited guests over, they’d shove Chrysarella into a cupboard under the stairs into which she could just barely squeeze.
Anyway, the good King Sombrero declared that he would host a Grand Galloping Gala where one lucky girl would marry his son, the foul Prince Shining Armor… Shining Armory.
Chrysarella wanted so badly to go to the ball, but she knew Celery wouldn’t let her. So Chrysarella approached her step-mother to beg her for her permission to go to the Gala.
“Celery,” she said in the most angelic voice anyone had ever heard. “Please let me go to the Gala, I promise I’ll be good.”
“Well,” said Celery with a voice that sounded like ten thousand whales farting all at once. “I’ll let you go, but first you must get your own dress for it, you useless slave. Now get back to building that three-thousand foot high stone pyramid in our back yard.”
“Oh thank you thank you thank you,” said the grateful Chrysarella. “I promise it will be the nicest dress ever.”
“Hmph,” snorted Celery. “It could never be as nice as mine or my daughters’ dresses.” And she shoved a gob of lard in her mouth. “Just make sure it’s acceptable.”
Despite breathing in the hazardous fumes of her step-mother’s deadly stench, Chrysarella went back to building that giant stone pyramid in the back yard.
After she finished her ghastly chores, Chrysarella embarked on a journey to obtain the most beautiful dress of all time.
She travelled far to the distant land of Trottingham where there was a sword in the stone. Only the true ruler of Trottingham could pull it out of the stone. So, with her mighty hooves, she grasped the hilt and unsheathed the blade from the stone! She was then declared the Queen of Trottingham right then and there as the crowd all cheered her on.
“Why thank you all,” she said as she blushed most humbly. “But I need someone to point me to the nearest dress store.” And they all laughed.
“The most beautiful dress ever made can be found in the mines of Midora,” said a wise old man. “But beware. There is an evil demon in the mines.” Chrysarella thanked the people of Trottingham and went on her way.
She travelled to the dreaded mines of Midora where the ancient demon, Twilight the Scourge, awaited her. As she was about to enter the final chamber, zombies with swords and spears began rising from the ground.
“Oh no, you don’t,” said Chrysarella bravely. “I will get this dress whether you zombies like it or not.”
And so she fought the several thousand legions of undead with the sword she pulled from the stone. After defeating the last zombie, Chrysarella went through the door where there was a massive chasm with a bridge over it. At the other end of the bridge stood the evil demon, Twilight the Scourge, who was staring at her murderously.
“I shall devour your young!” screeched the lilac demon unicorn as she jumped on the bridge, her large bat-wings flapping gusts of wind as she landed.
“YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” yelled Chrysarella and she slammed the sword into the ground causing the bridge to collapse and Twilight to begin falling along with it.
“No, this cannot be!” screamed Twilight and she pulled out a magic whip and used it to pull Chrysarella down with her.
Then they fought in an epic battle while falling the likes of which could never be reproduced in any cinematic production. Chrysarella parried Twilight’s magic blows bravely while Twilight cackled unicornishly. “AHAHAHAAHA, this was my evil plan all along! You will die and never have that dress for the Gala.”
“No,” thought Chrysarella. “I must win for the people of Trottingham.”
Then they hit the lake at the bottom of the mines. Then… um uh… uh… switch scene! THEY ENDED UP FIGHTING AT THE TOP OF THE SNOWY MOUNTAINS.
They fought and fought and fought for weeks and finally Chrysarella landed the finishing blow on Twilight causing her to fall from the mountain.
“NOOOOOOOO!” Twilight the Scourge screamed as she plummeted to the bottom.
Chrysarella was so exhausted from the fight, she nearly collapsed where she stood, but then she remembered the dress for the ball. She quickly ran back to the mines to grab it and promptly headed back to her step-mother’s house.
“Where have you been?” demanded Celery as Chrysarella came back to the house clearly unconcerned about the well-being of her step-daughter. “You’ve been away for weeks and in that time, no chores have been done. Also you’re filthy, but I expected that much given how hideous you are.”
“I’m so sorry, Celery,” said Chrysarella very apologetically. “But I managed to get a dress for the Gala tonight.” She showed it to Celery.
“Well that’s too bad because you’re not going,” said Celery and she took the dress from Chrysarella, lit it on fire, and then stepped into the carriage going to the Gala. Tears streamed down Chrysarella’s face and she looked pleadingly at her step-sisters, but they just stuck their tongues out at her as they joined their mother in the carriage.
Chysarella began shuffling back towards the house when suddenly she heard the rumbling of an engine coming from behind her. She jumped out of the way right as a red Lamborghini Murcielago screeched to a halt before her house.
The window rolled down and who should be in the driver’s seat but the most handsome, most powerful, coolest Draconequis in all the land, the Fonz. He opened the door and strolled coolly out. He lowered his aviator shades as he pulled a cigarette out from his black leather biker jacket.
“Got a light?” he asked the Changeling who was aghast at the incredible spectacle before her.
Chrysarella pulled out a lighter from her apron and lit the cig the Fonz held out to her. “Much appreciated,” he said as he began smoking it like the badass he was. “So I heard you need a dress and a ride to the Gala.”
Chrysarella nodded. The Fonz tossed her his keys.
“Dress and glass horseshoes are in the trunk. Have fun.”
“Oh thank you so much, mister,” said Chrysarella. “How can I ever repay you?”
“Don’t scratch my car,” he replied and then started for the bar across the street.
Chrysarella drove to the palace, did a few donuts in the parking lot, and parked in an end spot like every good driver who doesn’t put dents in cars should. She trotted over to the palace and all the people outside looked stunned as they gazed upon the Changeling in her beautiful green dress coming up the palace steps.
She entered the ball room; it was magnificent in its marble beauty. Only one thing marred it: The foul prince Shining Armory who was the rudest unicorn in all the land in a stained wife-beater. He was drunkenly flirting with one of the fat step-sisters, Candace. She laughed like a pig whenever he talked to her.
“You look sho shexy, I could jusht murder the poor,” said the drunk unicorn.
“Oh, you say the silliest things,” replied Candace in a sickeningly high pitch. Suddenly, she noticed Chrysarella in her green dress. “Hey, what’re you doing h-“
“May I have your attention please,” shouted an announcer from the balcony overlooking the ballroom. “The good king has made his decision on who will marry his son.”
King Sombrero stepped out to address the crowd. He looked about the room, analyzing his guests. Many excited mares gathered before the balcony eagerly hoping the king would choose one of them.
Finally Sombrero opened his mouth to speak. “CUHRYSSSSTAAAAL SUHLAAAAAVES!”
Suddenly magic chains appeared and started binding everyone in the room. The air was filled with pandemonium and panic. Chrysarella watched as her fat step-mother and step-sisters were constricted by them and fell to the ground.
“Oh fuck this shit, I’m out of here,” said Chrysarella and she managed to escape the palace, jumped in the Lamborghini and drove off into the sunset.
Chrysarella’s step-mother, step-sisters, and everyone else at the ball including Shining Armory were forced into slave labor for the rest of their lives. The end!
Discord closed the book and looked up to scan the room. The foals looked unanimously confused.
“Well… that was definitely the version Rarity didn't tell me,” said Sweetie Belle whose mouth had gawped more and more open as the story had gone on.
“Wait, how did they go from a lake at the bottom of a mine to the top of snowy mountains?” asked Scootaloo scratching her head.
“What happened to Fonzie’s Lamborghini? Did he ever get it back?” said Applebloom.
“Well then,” said Discord. “I can see you young kiddies don’t appreciate the classics.” He stroked his beard in contemplation. “No, we need something more modern to appeal to you. Also something that has more class participation. A play, perhaps.” Just then an idea popped into his head. “I’ve got it! How many of you have ever heard of Lezz Mizzerabuls?”
“You mean Les Misérables?” corrected Sweetie Belle.
“That’s what I said,” replied Discord in an annoyed tone. There was a loud awooga sound that shook the ground. “Ah, that’s the recess bell; you all go have fun outside while I assign you your parts.”
“But, we can’t even go outside,” said Applebloom. “It’s just empty space out there.”
“Oh, really? Check again.”
The foals went over to the door. One of them opened it slowly. Outside was a strange mish-mash of blue and green hues in the sky. The schoolhouse was situated on a floating rock in the middle of it. There was an upside-down playground outside.
“Well,” said Discord shuffling through the papers. “Go on now. Just remember not to fall off the rock and into the void. Oh, do watch out for any giant floating jellyfish out there. They’re particularly nasty this time of year.”
