Actual For-Serious Narnia
Fluttershy Goes to Fucking Narnia
by Present Perfect
Fluttershy awoke to a weather report and the general inanities of her condition. It was half past fucking seven in the AM, and the sun was shining and shit, but that wasn't too early for her because she had a day full of feeding birds and shit ahead of her so she liked to get up fucking early, okay?
So she got up and got her ass ready for a day of throwing acorns at squirrels or whatever, and then she did all that shit and had nothing left to do but eat some breakfast. And when she ate breakfast, which was oats and honey by the way, it was fucking adorable because she didn't have any silverware, so she got oats and shit all over her nose and had to lick it off. If you'd been there, you would have just fucking died, I swear.
So then she started putzing around her house, probably doing something completely fucking adorable like crocheting when all of a sudden there was a crash from upstairs. So she walked her ass up the damn staircase to see what the hell was going on and noticed that the doors to her wardrobe were standing open. I know a wardrobe doesn't sound all that interesting, but it's full of pretty sundresses and that awesome shit Rarity made her for the gala, so it's worth mentioning, just go with it.
Anyway, she went to close the doors, but noticed there was some fucked up shit going down. She looked past all the frilly dresses and fucking adorable bunny costumes and shit and saw that there was a door in the back of the wardrobe that opened on some kind of enchanted fucking fairy kingdom or some shit. That's not right, she thought, because she ain't exactly the brightest apple in the barrel, if you know what I mean.
Then she lost her balance and fell through the door, the clumsy bitch.
She tumbled end over end until she hit something hard and went, "Ouch!" It was just the tiniest little "Ouch!" ever and if you'd heard it, you'd have just wanted to scoop her up and cuddle the snot out of her until it didn't hurt anymore. Anyway, she looked around and saw she was in a fucking fairy kingdom and shit, all right.
"Oh my goodness," she said quietly, because that's the only goddamn way she can talk and that's half the reason she's so goddamn adorable. "I'm in fucking Narnia!"
Just then some bigass lion walked up to her. He was all blinged out with a crown and a gold grill and shizz.
"Yo, shawty," he said, dusting off his swagga, "name's Aslan. I'm like Jesus or some shit up in this bitch. Welcome to fuckin' Narnia."
"Oh," said Fluttershy. She wasn't afraid of lions because she's the goddamn Fluttershy, but that doesn't mean she's good at talking to 'em on account she's shy and shit. "Um."
"Yo, I kinda had my money set on some kids showin' up, but you'll do. Can you help a nigga out?" Aslan turned his head and roared, because that's what lions do, I don't know.
"I guess so..." Fluttershy said, and she put her hoof cutely to her mouth, and now I gotta take a breather here for a second because holy crap in a handbasket I can't handle too much of that cute shit without needing a break to recover. Okay, you good? I'm good.
So then Aslan explained about the hoochie Ice Queen who'd been steppin' like a ho and owed him money. And Fluttershy was all, But Aslan I don't know anything about pimping, and Aslan said, Shit nigga, you ain't gotta slap her, just distract her or summin so I can gets my tree-fiddy, and Fluttershy was all unsure because she's a pony who eats rainbows and poops butterflies.
But she also poops friendship, and that always works in the show, so she said she'd help because she's the Element of Fucking Kindness, Bitch, and that's just how she rolls. So she went with Aslan and followed his ass up the Lonely Mountains and across the Gloomy Gulch or something, and they fought some trolls or something, or at least Aslan did because nopony fucks with the Jesus. Fuck it, I ain't never read those books, who gives a shit?
At last, they came to the home of the Ice Queen, who was as frosty as they came, but that's totally not why they called her the Ice Queen. It's because she lived in the middle of the frozen wastelands, okay? She fucking loved it there, with all her little evil elves and shit and her nipples were always hard.
So she sees Aslan and Fluttershy coming up the walk to the Ice Palace, all casual and covered in troll blood, and she thinks to herself, Fucking fuck, I gotta hide, but there ain't nothin' around 'cept goddamn snow and ice and shit. Then she got all uppity and was like fuck it, this prick can't do shit to me.
Aslan walks up and says, "Hey bitch, where's my money?" and the bitch goes, "I ain't gotta give you shit!" and then Fluttershy is all like, "Umm." You best believe they all stopped and looked at her. That butter-yellow coat don't groom itself, motherfucker.
And the Ice Queen kinda made this face like oh shit, I cannot handle all this cute, and she said, "Yo, we ain't gotta throw down, Aslan. Just walk yo fuzzy ass back to the not-ice lands and we'll forget this happened."
Aslan was set to just bust a cap in the Ice Queen, but Fluttershy had better plans.
"Miss Ice Queen?" she said, and made her eyes real big and round and watery, which wasn't hard because did I forget to mention the frigid fucking winds that were constantly blowing up in that bitch? It was like Cleveland in January, I swear.
"What is it, you little horse thing?" the Ice Queen said, trying to hold back the urge to just fucking love Fluttershy forever.
"I couldn't help noticing that it's very lonely out here," Fluttershy said.
The Ice Queen was all, bitch, as if. "It's hardly lonely! I have my little evil elf minions. Even if they're stupid and their dicks are tiny, I can at least kick 'em around and shit if I get bored, like that stupid Christmas flash game from 1998."
"Not no more, sucka!" Aslan said. He was walking out of the Ice Palace, picking his teeth with elf bones. "I just ate all your limpdick minions because I'm a lion."
That dude was such a fucking lion.
"Isn't that a pisser," said the Ice Queen.
Fluttershy made her eyes biggerer and waterierer and said, "I just though that maybe you need a friend and so I wanted to know if you would be my friend." And then she went and headbutted the Ice Queen's knees like a cat because holy shit are ponies most adorablest when they're acting like cats.
The Ice Queen didn't know what the fuck to do. She looked at Aslan but he was too busy wearing awesome shades to help her. She reached down and her hand was shaking like she was off her meds, and Fluttershy reached up with her hoof and when they met, Fluttershy said, "Friendship!"
And then the Ice Queen exploded into like a million zillion tiny diamonds.
Aslan took off his shades and whistled, and then put them back on. "Well, I can probably sell those for a G or five. Thanks, Flutterbro."
Fluttershy cleared her throat and said to Aslan, "Um, I don't want to seem ungrateful for everything that you've done to help me, I mean with the trolls and all, but I just wanted to say... You can go fuck yourself." She gulped, because he's a lion after all, but Aslan didn't do shit because he knew he couldn't touch her. "If that's okay with you, that is."
And then she grabbed her own tail and floated straight up into the air while Aslan watched, and up into the fucking doorway in the middle of the fucking sky (holy shit!) and back through her cute dresses and footy pajamas and out of her wardrobe. Then she grabbed a bunch of wood and nails and hammered that fucking fantasy door like it was a virgin, except that now it could never be opened again. (She could have nailed the whole damn thing shut, but then how would she wear her hoodie with the bunny ears? I mean Rarity made that shit for her, bro, that would be cold!)
Then Fluttershy went downstairs and smoked an entire doobie, because that's how she rolls.
The End
Author's Note
Credit must be given to Filler for the title, as it was the working title of something he was writing. The instant he revealed it to me, I started writing this, and here we are, one hour later. What the fuck just happened.
I don't think I can claim credit for the first line either, but I don't remember who came up with it. The rest is aaaaaaall me!
