A Hundred Horrible Deaths for Rainbow Dash

by Meanie Pie

Rating: mature
Tags: Random, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Rainbow Dash, Comedy
Length: 4487

She just keeps coming back for more.

She just keeps coming back for more.

Published 2013-01-21 21:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-25 22:31:13 UTC

1. Love Is a Known Cause of Death

Number 1

It should come as no surprise that Pinkie Pie loved all of her friends dearly. But, as is the way of all females, there was more than a fair share of bullshit that made her squirm in secret whenever she spent time with them. The smiles and the bounciness were all very real, but so was the pressure rolling its fingers across her heart. So what is her bullshit? Jealousy? Loneliness? Something so petty as to reduce your IQ at the mere mention?

Worse: it’s love.

For Rainbow Dash.

Pinkie was a total lesbian. This ought to surprise you, but somehow, I don’t think it really does.

“You’re what?” Twilight Sparkle burst.

“I’m stuck, that’s what!” Pinkie leaped in response.

Twilight laid her book down and continued to stare at her friend. She had this huge, “what the fucking fuck,” look going on while Pinkie was jittering on her floor.

“I don’t think I understand….”

Pinkie started jittering even more, looking around crazily with flaming hot blush on her cheeks. “Well—uh…have you ever—uh…I just don’t know if—hmm….”

Twilight watched her struggle to answer. Pinkie tapped on her noggin a good couple of times, swinging it too. Twilight lifted her book back to her face, expecting this to last for a good while. Then Pinkie’s face was suddenly all up in hers.

“Shrink me, Twilight!”

Twilight gently nudged her away from her face. “Shrink you?”

Pinkie nodded eagerly. “You can do that, cant’cha? Cant’cha?”

“Sure, but—,”

“Pleeeeeeease?”

She made her case with the most convincing pair of puppy dog eyes and backed it up with a pout to make a wimp like Twilight Sparkle finally relent. “Okay!”

Twilight stood up, filled her horn with a magical glow, and fired it at Pinkie. The purple light consumed her, and very soon the glow contracted, forcing Pinkie Pie to contract with it. The light winked out, and Pinkie appeared to be gone completely.

“Pinkie!” Twilight pulled out a magnifying glass and started searching along the floor. She stopped the glass on top of the itty-bitty Pinkie waving up at her.

“Thanks, Twilight!” She shouted in a tiny yet still audible volume.

“No problem,” said Twilight. “Is this it?”

“Actually, I’d appreciate it if you took me to see Rainbow Dash.”

Twilight tilted her head quizzically. “Um, okay.”

Tiny Pinkie climbed onto Twilight’s horn and let her friend take her to her secret crush. Her heart was all aflutter just thinking about what she was going to do. There was no telling what she would find out in this experience. She was actually a little scared.

Before she knew it, Rainbow Dash came into sight. She was in her usual spot, just napping on that big tree branch on the far side of town. Pinkie’s heart burned just at the sight of her. She was so fucking beautiful.

Then Twilight shouted, “Rainbow Da—“

“No, Twilight!” Pinkie squeaked. “Don’t wake her. I just need you to toss me up next to her.”

“What? Pinkie, what exactly are you doing?”

“Come on! I can’t put this off any longer!”

“Fine, fine.”

Twilight flipped her head upwards, sending Pinkie flying from her horn and square onto the branch where her beloved Rainbow Dash slept.

“This is it, Pinkie,” she said to herself. “It’s time for some soul searching!”

She had landed beside the pegasus’ stomach, so she hopped on top of her and scrambled over to her face. She had many different passages through which to enter the pony. Pinkie chose the left nostril. I don’t know why; don’t fucking ask me.

“Okay!” cheered Pinkie as she was deep within Rainbow’s nose. “Now which way to the heart?”

The heart was her goal, of course. You see, all that Pinkie wanted to do was to confess her lesbian love to Rainbow Dash, for Rainbow Dash to confess her love likewise, they kiss, maybe fuck, and all that silly shit. But, as you can imagine, Pinkie was frightened at the idea that she would be rejected. To prevent that from happening, to make sure that she was ready to love her back, Pinkie realized that she needed to discover what was really in Dashie’s heart. And, as you can clearly see, she meant that in the most literal way imaginable.

While Pinkie Pie was scuttling about in Rainbow Dash’s insides, the blue pegasus awoke from her nap. She gave her forelegs a big easy stretch and tossed her hind ones over the branch like it was her own bed. She noticed Twilight Sparkle down on the ground looking up at her. Rainbow Dash promptly waved. “’Sup, Twilight!” she greeted.

She leaped out of the tree and approached her friend in her typical easy-going, cocksure manner. A stark contrast to the apprehension that was noticeable in the way Twilight’s lips were twitching.

“Rainbow Dash,” Twilight spoke, “you didn’t happen to see Pinkie up there, did you?”

Rainbow took a quick look back behind herself. “Uh, no. I was sleeping.”

Twilight was immediately all up in her business, urgently inspecting her sides, her flanks, and even craning her neck under her belly. “Oh, oh, you didn’t crush her, did you?”

“Uh, how is that even possible?”

“Because I shrunk her and threw her up with you while you were sleeping!”

“You shrunk her?” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “Why would you do that?”

“She begged me to! Gosh!” Twilight finally pulled away and simply started bolting erratically between the tree and Rainbow Dash. Finally, she hung her head and made herself take a deep breath. “It’s okay,” she said. “The spell is temporary anyway.”

As soon as she said that, a purple glow burst over Rainbow Dash. She looked at herself in confusion. “Twilight, what’re you doing to me now?” she quipped.

Twilight covered her mouth, whispered a horrified, “Oh, no,” as tremors overtook her.

“Twilight, what’s hap—,”

Every part of Rainbow Dash’ face—eyes, mouth, nostrils—gaped in terrible proportions while a whimpering gasp came out of her. It wasn’t apparent immediately, but soon enough her body appeared to be expanding. Her torso inflated, yet the outlines of her rib cage were somehow pressing against the outside. But underneath her, it looked like something was rigorously pushing against her stomach, trying to escape. The expansion underneath her grew deeper and deeper until finally her flesh was ripped open, and a single pink leg slammed to the ground outside. Rainbow’s head reared back, mouth opening with an awfully desire to scream. But all that came out of was a breathless squeak.

Another leg tore through her belly soon afterwards, directly in front of the one that came before. Together, the legs tore open a significant flap of flesh underneath Rainbow Dash, causing heaps of muscle and shit to drop to the dirt while the rest of the intestinal tract simply dangled above it like sloppy spaghetti. When this happened, the final two legs were able wriggle their way out by swinging into the new opening and tearing the opening even wider.

Rainbow Dash still stood upright as a result, her head purple with suffocation as it thrashed about in silent agony. The thrashing stopped, however, when the base of her neck finally began to inflate. A huge, round object had materialized in her neck, causing her cervical vertebrae to slice through her skin and the flaps of cartilage under her throat to be stretched beyond their breaking point. Blood spurted from her neck as if it were a barrel of cider punctured beyond repair. The object in her neck continued to climb towards the obvious exit. There was nothing in Rainbow Dash’s physiology that was going to keep it from coming out. As it passed beyond her ruined throat, her jaw detached with ease, and the rest of her head was arched backwards to the point that her exposed vertebrae began to pop out like rubber bands. The object was in her mouth now. You could see it’s poofy pink mane flopping out of Rainbow’s hyper-extended lips. As it continued to push, the edges of her lips tore deeper and deeper across her cheeks.

When Rainbow’s cheeks were sliced open up to her ears, out popped Pinkie Pie’s head.

Pinkie had a sad look on her face. It was one that Twilight was familiar with. It was the look she had whenever she had problems with her friends or whenever she was frustrated with one of her silly dilemmas. It certainly wasn’t the look of someone who was now wearing their dead friend’s body like a jacket!

While Twilight stared on with teary-eyed, trembling horror, Pinkie Pie was staring at the ground with a distant, dream-shattered demeanor. “Oh, Twilight,” she moaned. “I don’t think Rainbow Dash loves me.”

2. "Apple Juice"

Number 2

Applejack dug her muzzle beneath the barrel she had just finished rolling into the barn and, with enough effort, managed to tip it upright. “Alrighty, Rainbow Dash,” she said. “You get the first batch, as promised.”

Rainbow Dash was immediately on the ground, hugging Applejack’s leg like a puppy. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

Applejack flashed an irritated look, and Rainbow giggled sheepishly as she got back on all fours.

“Sorry,” she said. “I just can’t believe I’m going to finally be able to have some of that sweet, tasty apple cider without having to wait in line for hours.”

“If it really meant that much to ya, ya should’ve asked me the last three seasons! We’re friends, ain’t we? That’s what friends do.”

Applejack grabbed a mug off the ground and positioned it under the barrel’s nozzle.

“Hold it!”

Rainbow Dash rushed up to the barrel and, seemingly out of nowhere, yanked out a mug of her own. It was huge in size, looking like it could fit her entire head and then some. All along the surface, there were wood-carved images of trouser-wearing ponies dancing and kicking each other’s asses while they were raising mugs of their own. She handed this monstrosity over to AJ. “Fill this thing up. I’ve been dying to use it.”

“You’re plannin’ on drinkin’ outta this?”

“Totally.”

“Fine, but it’s gonna cost ya extra.”

Applejack proceeded to fill up the mug. After nearly a minute of salivating in anticipation as the liquid kept flowing (it was seriously a big-ass mug), Rainbow Dash finally got her cider. She held the monster in both her front hooves, grinning stupidly into the sea of froth that had gathered at the top.

Without so much as a thank you, she scuttled backwards, right up against the barn door, and started chugging. There was much to drink, but every gulp was heavenly. She had half a mind to down all of it at once.

Then the barn down crashed down inward right on top of Rainbow Dash. She was smashed into the floor as Pinkie Pie bounced up the fallen door like a ramp and leaped off with ease. Rarity followed closely behind, leaping down with a little more poise. Twilight and Fluttershy came through as well, and soon all four of them were crowded around Applejack begging for cider.

“Alright, alright, settle down, girls,” Applejack hooted. “This barrel ain’t goin’ nowhere.”

Applejack poured a mug for all of her friends in exchange for their bits. When she finally poured herself some, she raised her mug for a proper toast.

“Wait, where’s Rainbow Dash?” Twilight asked.

Applejack lowered he mug for a moment. “Ain’t she over by the—,”

Then she noticed the barn door on the floor for the first time. Well, it wasn’t completely on the floor. It was being held up slightly, and she noticed a single blue leg sticking out from underneath.

“Help Rainbow Dash, girls!”

The door was heavy, but the five of them were able to toss the door aside without much effort. There sat Rainbow Dash, her mug down between her legs and her face shoved deep in apple cider. There was no blood or bruises, surprisingly, so it didn’t look like she had literally been crushed. But still, Rainbow Dash was not moving.

Fluttershy pulled Rainbow’s head out of the mug. Her jaw dropped limply, and cider poured out from her mouth and her nostrils.

Twilight put her ear to Rainbow’s motionless chest. “I don’t hear anything.”

Applejack took several steps backwards, eyes agape as a terrible realization took hold of her. “Sweet Celestia,” she whispered. “Rainbow Dash drowned in my apple cider!”

The collective dropping of cider-filled mugs made a hollow clunk echo throughout the barn. It was followed by the loud splash that Rainbow Dash’s head made as it crashed back into the very cider that ended her life.

4. Why the Link Between Games and Violence Needs to be Addressed with Science

Number 4

Rarity used her magic to wrap the blindfold around Princess Celestia’s eyes. The ponies surrounding her were giggling with excitement.

“Okay, now what?” asked the princess.

Twilight subsequently levitated the pony-tailed pin into the princess’s teeth. “Hold on.”

Pinkie and Applejack proceeded to spin Celestia around a good three to four times. She didn’t look particularly dizzy at the end of it, but she was still waving her head around wonderingly. Many of the ponies in the ballroom had gathered around, fascinated by the thought of their regal princess playing a silly game like pin-the-tail-on-the-pony. Since Pinkie Pie had planned the royal wedding’s reception, crazy things were bound to happen

“Alright, your Majesty,” said Shining Armor. “All you have to do pin the tail on the pony, true to the game’s name.”

“Very well.”

Celestia began walking around the room, tossing her head to and fro.

Rainbow Dash, who had just finished setting up the pony poster, was fluttering in the air watching the princess searching around like a lost puppy. She was so far away from the target that Rainbow Dash couldn’t help giggling.

“Hey, Princess!” she yelled. “You’re super cold right now!”

Then Celestia spun around a little.

“Okay, you’re less cold now.”

She turned and was now facing the target directly.

“Warmer.”

Celestia took one step forward.

“Warmer.”

Another step.

“Warmer.”

The princess broke out into a trot and, eventually, into a full-on gallop as Rainbow Dash continued yelling, “Warmer, warmer, warmer. Warmer! Warmer! You’re ho—“

As Rainbow Dash was impaled and finally screw-drived by Celestia’s abnormally long horn as it pounded into the wall, Celestia felt the poster up against her face and poked the pin where she believed the tail was meant to go. She pulled her horn out of the wall and spun around triumphantly. “Well?” she said. “Did I do alright?”

Nopony said anything. They just watched helplessly as Rainbow Dash, her back to all of them, struggled to pull herself out of the princess’s bloodied horn. But no matter how hard she flailed her hooves, the best she could manage was to spin like a skewer in pure, counter-clockwisified horror.

5. Gene Simmons Might Have Good Reason to Envy Rainbow Dash

Number 5

It was a lovely winter’s day in Ponyville with clear skies and snow on the ground. Rainbow Dash, who was supposed to be gathering clouds up for some light snowfall, was instead standing on a street corner with her tongue stuck to a light pole.

“pu’r meh ou’, Fwuttahy!” she cried.

“Okay…. Uh….”

Fluttershy took Rainbow’s tongue between her hooves and began shaking it very, very lightly. The middle portion was the only thing moving, though. The tongue tip, the part that was actually stuck to the pole, wouldn’t budge an inch.

“Vat ‘re ya doin’?” Rainbow complained. “Dat’s no gun’ halp meh!”

“Rainbow Dash, I don’t want to rip out your tongue on accident,” said Fluttershy, increasing her rubbing just a tiny, tiny bit more.

“Don’t’cha go’ salt ‘re sumfin’?”

“Oh, I might back at the cottage. Or maybe Pinkie has some. I’ll be right back, Rainbow Dash.”

Fluttershy galloped off in another direction while Rainbow Dash stood there fuming. She did not want to wait. She only had a few minutes before she would be considered late for work. Her boss was getting pissed off enough with her lately. She wouldn’t dare risk an eighth consecutive late day.

She whipped her neck back, yanking hard on her tongue. It made the base of her tongue crackle with pain, but she was certain it wasn’t a big deal. She started walking backwards through the snow covered ground. Her tongue stretched out to a cartoonish length while she mounted more and more strain inside her mouth. But she wasn’t going to give in to the pain, especially when she could already feel her tongue tip budging a little.

Then, when her tongue was a good four feet long, her back leg slipped on some ice, and she was snapped forward like a slingshot. She careened headfirst, but just barely missed the lamp post. She flew six feet forward, screaming in pain, and slammed backwards into the ground.

Fluttershy came running back right at that moment. “Okay, Rainbow Dash I got the—“

She gasped when she saw her friend lying flat on her back, her tongue sprawled out like a water hose. Her eyes were shuddering, her mouth lay wide open, and she was completely motionless.

“Rainbow Dash!” Fluttershy bolted to her friend’s side and lifted her body half-way up. She shook Rainbow Dash to see if it would make her more aware, but the only thing that did was cause Rainbow’s detached brain to squish against the inside of her skull. The whiplash had severed her brain stem.

It also severed her vertebrae, which explains how her head bent sideways and fell to the ground. Fluttershy saw the resulting bloodspray and subsequently vomited into Rainbow’s neck hole.

6. Don't You Fucking Dare Get Blood All Over My Hospital

Number 6

Rainbow Dash was yelling and running around in circles because her left wing had gotten yanked off when she flew through a tree in Sweet Apple Acres.

“GAHHH! HELP, I’M BLEEDING AND MY WING IS GONE!”

“Rainbow Dash, quit running around or else ya’ll—,”

Applejack didn’t need to say any more, because Rainbow Dash had already collapsed in a pool of her own blood.

“Big Mac!” Applejack yelled behind her. “Get Rainbow somethin’ to cover that wound real quick!”
He galloped back with a picnic blanket because it was the only thing he could find. Satisfied, Applejack wrapped up her endangered friend, tossed onto her brother’s strong back, and the two of them made a mad dash for the hospital.

A little while later, Applejack returned to the scene of the accident with Fluttershy.

“I’m pretty sure that tree over there was where she crashed through,” said Applejack. “It’s gotta be up there somewhere. Her wing was still attached before I saw her fly into it.”

Fluttershy flapped slowly down to the ground, wearing a determined expression as she examined the tree in question. But then she felt wet stickiness on her hooves and shrieked when she saw them submerged in Rainbow Dash’s blood. She leaped out of the puddle and began trying to kick it all off her.

“Flutters, we ain’t got no time! The doctor said the window’s closing fast!”

Fluttershy stopped her spazzing and took a deep, calming breath. She fluttered upwards into the midst of the tree.

As soon as she properly looked up, she was positive she could recognize the outline of a pegasus wing. She flew upwards among the leaves and branches and, when it was finally within reach, she grabbed it and pulled it to her. While she did that, though, she heard slight tearing sound. She examined the wing’s scapula area and saw a pair of deep, bloody tears. Then, strangely enough, she heard a dog barking. She looked up again, but all she saw was an ordinary, angry-looking squirrel with faint signs of foam on its lips. It was…more than a little disturbing.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Squirrel, but Rainbow Dash really needs this back.”

Fluttershy and Applejack rushed back to the hospital where a surgeon was standing gravely over Rainbow Dash’s unconscious form. He along with Pinkie, Rarity and Twilight leaped when Applejack burst through the door with the wing held high above her head.

“We got it, doctor!” Applejack said in between her gasps. “Can ya still reattach it?”

The doctor swiped the wing out of her hooves. “There’s still a chance if we work fast.”

“Um, Mr. Doctor, you might want to—,”

The doctor looked at her aghast. “Sweet Celestia, what are you doing tracking blood into a patient’s room?”

Fluttershy looked down and gave a tiny gasp when she saw Rainbow’s blood thoroughly coagulated over her legs. “Oh my—but, doctor, that wing was—,”

“Everypony leave,” he said as he pushed all five of Rainbow Dash’s friends out into the hallway. “I need to operate immediately.”

“But doctor—,”

He slammed the door in her face before Fluttershy could finish her warning.

It was late by the time the surgery was completed. In a matter of hours, her wing had been properly reattached to her body and her blood levels were back to normal. She regained consciousness slowly and the first thing she noticed was a nurse looking down at her nervously.

“Miss Rainbow Dash?”

Rainbow Dash opened her mouth but no words came out. White foam had been pooling in the back of her throat and it bubbled towards her lips. She was shaking uncontrollably, and very soon the foam began overflowing, spilling onto her neck, filling up her nostrils, and rising up to her eyes. The nurse was about to rush to get a disinfected towel when Rainbow Dash tumbled out of her bed and, landing on her stiffened, left wing, snapped it off once again. Blood spurted out like a geyser, and she was subsequently reduced to thrashing in a growing pool of her own blood and foam. Then she arched backwards until her head touched her tail. Her spine snapped inward, and she finally stopped moving.

3. Fucking Mole Men Ruined Everything That Was Good About This Story

Number 3

A thunderstorm was raging that day in Ponyville. Rainbow Dash could hear the wind and thunder in all of their fury as she watched the spectacle from her bedroom window. Although she literally lived inside a cloud, for some reason it never had any trouble withstanding the forces of nature.

She turned over on her bed and dug back into her book. She had only been taking a brief mental break. She was already on the last few pages of the latest Daring Do book, Daring Do and the Land of the Diamond Femur. Her eyes were glued. The rate at which she took in each paragraph was breakneck. The wind outside was just barely keeping up.

But in an instant, she stopped.

Her eyes widened on a particular passage. She kept reading it and reading it over and over again to see if she had read it correctly. When she realized that it was the truth, she slowly raised her head and revealed a particularly dumbfounded expression.

She snapped up the edges of the open book and chucked it to the ceiling. “Flippin’ mole men?” she exclaimed, hooves held up in bewilderment.

She held that posture for a long moment, but then it hit her that her book had not fallen back to her bed yet. She looked above and saw a small indention in her cloud ceiling quickly reform itself as good as new. That only happened when something traveled directly through it.

“Ah!” She leaped in horror. “I didn’t finish it yet!”

She sped to her window and almost unlatched it in her panic, but she froze and took a calming breath at the last minute. The wind out there would make quick work of her, she realized. Then, as she looked at the curtains that draped her window, she got a brilliant idea.

She took the bottom of the curtain and wrapped it around her neck. According to her logic, she would be able to fly onto the roof and retrieve her book without getting blown around too much.

Her logic, however, proved faulty, because Rainbow Dash was immediately flung against the side of her home and completely unable to gain control of herself. Her body flapped like a writhing Pride flag until she finally suffocated. When the storm finally calmed, she hung limp just feet beneath her open window. After a few minutes, the curtains detached from the window frame and allowed her corpse to crash into a pile of her own excrement that she had created post-mortem (while covering her up respectfully).

7. Rainbow Dash Supports Independent Artists

Number 7

“Please, please, please, please, please, please, pleeeeeeease, Rainbow Dash?”

Those three little girls were way too convincing, thought Rainbow Dash. Sighing, she put up a smile and said. “Well, okay. I can give it a quick listen.”

Apple Bloom gave her a little cassette player while Sweetie Belle handed her a set of headphones. As Rainbow Dash slipped on the headphones, Scootaloo finally shoved ‘the tape’, as the girls so gushingly called it, into her other hoof. On the little piece of yellow tape were the words, “Cutie Mark Swaggers: The Mixtape” written in black marker.

Rainbow Dash had a gut feeling that she would regret listening to this.

But those fillies, looking up at her all eagerly like they were right then, made it impossible for her to refuse.

She popped in the tape and pressed play. Synthetic drumbeats burst into her eardrums first off. Okay, it’s pretty catchy so far, she thought. Then after the drums cycled about four times through, the bass dropped, and the cycle repeated.

And then they began to rap.

After about half an hour of repetitive drum-bass-rapping, she pressed the stop button. She turned towards the three girls and stared at them with a surprisingly blank face.

“Wasn’t just totally dope?” said Sweetie Belle.

Rainbow Dash was unresponsive.

“Rainbow Dash?”

Apple Bloom clapped her front hooves in front of Rainbow Dash’s face, and the pegasus’ eyes snapped to something resembling attention. She straightened herself and reached for her headphones. But she had trouble yanking them off her. Whenever she pulled at them, her sticky, melted brain matter was seen stretching from her ears to the phones. Finally, she tore the phones out, and the strains of brain flopped onto her jowls. Finally her brains could flow out freely.

The three fillies looked on in wide-eyed amazement.

An eerily wide grin crept onto Rainbow’s features. It was the kind of grin that said, “I just shit myself and I feel like a winner.”

Then she opened her mouth, yelled, “SWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG!” and finally shut up and fell on her face when her brains all drained out of her.