We've Done This Dance Before.
"RUN! RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIFE!"
A fat, balding man in a smart suit ran through the forest as fast as his pudgy little legs could carry him. He was sweating like a pig already, and his poor fitness and the unfamiliarity of his environment was throwing him off. Nonetheless, he followed his companion's advice, bolting it as fast as he could.
"COME ON! MOVE IT! WE'RE ALMOST TO THE CAMP!"
There was a sound of gunfire, and a loud roaring behind him. Like an enraged lion, straight from the African wilderness. This forest was far from Africa though. Far from New York too, which is where he could have sworn he was not a few minutes ago. Then somehow this happened.
"HEY! HEEEEY!"
The other man caught up with him. A much younger, fitter looking fellow. Early thirties, perhaps late twenties, and in the filthiest excuse for a U.S. army uniform he had ever seen. He was leaping into the air and waving to some unseen figure in the distance.
"IT'S ME! OPEN UP!"
The man saw only more trees ahead. He had no idea who the soldier was yelling at.
"I said move it, you fat bastard! Do you want it to eat us?!"
Well that was just plain rude.
He was about to object to the youngster's outburst with some choice words of his own, but then suddenly they were in sunlight again. They had passed through a thick cluster of bushes and other plant life, which had seemed to just part to make way for them like a gate, revealing a large, grassy clearing.
One could comment on many things about the clearing, like the small stream that ran through it, or the light slopes and grassy mounds that made it slightly uneven, but the more interesting feature of the location was that a camp had been set up here.
And not just a camp like a single tent and someone's fishing rod. This could almost be described as a village. There were actual tents, crude wooden huts, shelters built out of stacked boulders, and even just some sleeping bags laying in the open.
All around the camp, humans looked their way. Most of them grabbed weapons and pointed them in the direction of the forest they had just emerged from. One or two of them had guns, like the soldier, but most just had catapults, spears, sharp rocks, and a few of them had bows and arrows.
"One coming this way!" the soldier announced as he burst through the treeline as well, "Weapons ready!"
The pudgy man ran across the camp and cowered behind one of the stone shelters, panting in exhaustion. He looked at the bushes he had just came from, which remained parted. Through the forest, he saw the beast running towards them all.
It was a manticore, a creature of legend; a lion with bat wings and a scorpion tail, and every bit as terrifying to him as such an impossible amalgamation should be. It was something he never thought he would see outside of his nightmares.
"NOW!"
The soldier opened fire with his assault rifle, and peppered the creature with shots. It pierced the flesh and drew blood, but they didn't appear to be lethal to it. Just painful. He soon realised that they weren't attempting to kill it. They were only hoping to drive it back into the forest.
Men and women threw spears and rocks, launched projectiles with their catapults or shot at it with both arrows and bullets. The manticore roared at them and thrashed about. Blood poured from many small wounds all over its front, and it covered its face with a paw to shield it while it backed away into the trees again.
It disappeared soon after. Even once it was gone, the people kept watch on the forest's edge. Not just near the bushes where the three of them had come from, but on all the edges of the camp. They were cautious. It was like they were expecting further attacks.
After ten minutes, the tension eased.
"Alright..." said the soldier, "I think we're clear. Good work, team!"
The rest of the crowd mumbled unenthusiastically and returned to their original positions around the camp. The fat man in the suit watched them curiously, as they all assumed a number of roles, from patrolling the perimeter of the camp, to carving wood, to cooking, to fishing, to firemaking, and making more shelters from stacking up the boulders right.
He barely noticed as the soldier walked over to his side and held out a hand to him.
"Pleased to meet you," he said with a slight southern drawl, "Corporal Henry Anderson, United States Army."
He took Anderson's hand and shook it perhaps more vigorously than he should have.
"Walter Paterson," he gasped, "That's Paterson, not Patterson."
"Nice to meet you, Walter."
"Likewise."
He took a deep breath.
"Where are we?" he asked, "I don't remember a thing before...Gah...my poor chest..."
He put a hand beneath his shirt and felt his heart.
"Before..."
He struggled to remember.
"Before I left work..."
Anderson gave him a very slight smile.
"Yeah, you wouldn't," he replied, "That's probably because nothing happened. You fell through a portal and ended up here, same as the rest of us."
Walter took a moment to look around at the other inhabitants of the camp. Very few were quite as filthy as Corporal Anderson, but they didn't exactly look fresh. Most of their clothes looked at least a little dirty. What struck him though was the age range of them. As far as he could tell, Anderson was the oldest man in the camp other than himself. A disturbingly large number of the inhabitants appeared to be college-aged.
"A portal, you say?" he asked, "Is it like...like a Star Trek kind of thing?"
"No use asking me. I don't know anything about how it works. All I know is that everyone who's here, got here because they were in our world one minute, and the next they fell through a gap in the dimensions and landed here."
"And where is here?"
Walter took his hand off his heart, finally having gained his breath and his nerves again.
"I'm told it's called the Everfree Forest."
"Told by who?"
Henry Anderson gestured to the rest of the camp.
"What? The other people here?"
"Yeah. Kind of."
The corporal looked over the camp again, and bit his lip slightly.
"Okay, I can show you something that would help explain this and not make me look crazy, but promise me you're not going to freak out."
***
"That's a dead horse."
"Holmes, you've cracked the case!"
Walter stared at Anderson with a look that bordered between confusion and irritation. Between them, the rotting corpse of a brown stallion with a blond mane attracted an annoyingly loud swarm of flies, which the older man would routinely swat away from him as they flew up near his face.
"So what?" he asked, "You show me a dead horse. What's the point?"
"Look at the flank, moron. Notice anything?"
"You mean the tattoo?"
"Yes."
"What about it?"
"Have you ever heard of My Little Pony?"
"Of course. My daughter used to love them. Real popular in the eighties."
"Yeah. This is one of them."
Walter tilted his head.
"Umm...Care to explain, son?"
Anderson sighed.
"There was a My Little Pony cartoon, right? Well, a few years ago now, the company behind the toys made another. And we...have fallen through a portal...and landed in their world."
Walter folded his arms and raised an eyebrow.
"Oh, really?"
"Yes. Really."
"How?"
"The fuck do you expect me to know?! I'm not the one who brought us here!"
"Okay. I'm going to disregard the fact that that makes no sense whatsoever, and I'll humour you, just for a moment. How do you know we're in the My Little Pony cartoon?"
Anderson shrugged.
"I don't. That's just what the bronies tell me."
"And what's a brony?"
"Oh God, how to even begin explaining this..."
***
"...So homosexuals in denial, essentially?" asked Walter.
"Pretty much," Anderson agreed, "Though don't say that to their faces. They get really defensive about their fandom, and the camp is most bronies. You get a whole bunch of them mad at you and it's incredibly awkward."
"And they ALL just happened to fall through a portal...and land in the world of their favourite cartoon...specifically in this forest?"
"Look, you don't have to point out to me how fucking stupid this is. I know. Believe me, I know. I asked all the same questions you did when I arrived here, and so did everyone else who didn't know what a brony was.”
"How many people are here again?"
"Twenty six not including you or me."
"And how many of them are bronies?"
"Twenty."
"Jesus."
"I know."
***
The two men returned to the main camp again, leaving behind the dead pony that laid just on the other side of the trees.
"See him over there?" asked Corporal Anderson, pointing to a sixteen year old kid with a plain blue t-shirt, stacking logs on the other side of the clearing.
"What about him?"
"That guy is called Kyle Merridge. He's from New Jersey, and he was the first one here. He says he arrived when a portal sucked him into his computer while watching an episode of the show."
"Huh..."
"First day here, attacked by a manticore. That's the big ugly fuck that was chasing us earlier."
"Yeah, thanks. I know what a manticore is."
"He was chased here by the thing, and somehow fought it away. No clue how. I don't know the boy that well, but he's just some middle class white kid with bullying issues. And somehow, he beat back that fucking monstrosity by himself. You saw how my fucking gun did nothing to it, didn't you?"
Walter nodded.
"That's just the start of it though."
He pointed to another guy patrolling the edge of the clearing with a bow and arrow. This one looked to be a few years older and had a neckbeard.
"Him over there? He's also called Kyle. Only he's Kyle Hambridge. Was the sixth person to show up here. Guy's got his own gun, and took shooting classes. Other than that, typical teenager. Claims to have died in a car crash to get here. Showed up in the middle of the forest. Attacked by a manticore. Fought it off. Made his way here on his own."
"...What a coincidence," Paterson mumbled.
"Think we're done?" asked Henry with a smirk, "Not even close. See that guy doing the fishing? His name is James. Unlike most others, not a brony. But you notice what he's got at his side?"
"...Is that a...katana...?"
"You better fucking believe it. And it came in real useful too. You know why?"
"Is it because he used it to fight off a-"
"A motherFUCKING manticore, that's right, Walter."
***
"So then...this village?"
Corporal Anderson was on patrol duty now, taking Hambridge's place. As they were still busy conversing, Walter Paterson decided to walk with him and help watch the trees as they circled the edge of the large clearing.
"Best I can tell, it just sprung up by accident," said Anderson, throwing up his hands, "Merridge decided to dig his heels in and defend this clearing. When others showed up here by coincidence, they banded together and fortified it. As more and more of us kept showing up, it expanded and a community formed.
"We live on fish from the stream and the meat of mythical creatures. Despite being in a forest, there's not much edible plant life though. We found some mushrooms that were safe to eat once, but not enough for everyone to have some. I don't really like mushrooms myself, but I'm a hell of a lot more comfortable with them than meat from animals that shouldn't exist. And we may not even have that tonight since that monster interrupted me in the middle of today's hunt and I had to save you."
"The manticore's not the only mythical beast?"
"Forest is teaming with them. The cockatrice, the timberwolves, a goddamn dragon of all things..."
"Lord have mercy..." said Walter, wiping more sweat from his forehead.
"The bronies knew where they were right from the get-go, however. Most of them say they knew where they were from the moment the manticores moved on them. But those that weren't convinced when Big Ugly showed up started believing when they found our rotting friend. None of them recognise him from the show. He's just a generic pony as far as we can tell. No idea how he got here though."
"If they know about this world and this forest, then surely they know where we can find the ponies? Find a way out of this forest even? Maybe get help finding a way home?"
"No dice."
"Come on, Anderson!" Walter protested, "I'm sure this village is lovely, but I have a life to get back to! I have a job! I have a family! My wife is probably worried sick right now. And my daughter! She's eight months pregnant! She needs all the help she can get with the baby due soon!"
The soldier gave him a sad smile.
"I'm sorry. I know you want to get back. Believe me, I'd like nothing more than to get out of this place too. I also have duties to attend to. But it's not that easy."
"Why not?"
"Because of the manticores. They won't let us leave."
***
Rarely in his life had Walter felt so out of place. Almost everyone was a third of his age, and they all had weapons and the training to use them. Also, they were mostly bronies and actually knew a lot about the TV show and this world that they were in.
He on the other hand was a fat, balding, suit-wearing lawyer from New York, whose only skills were his legal knowledge and his power of persuasion. Both had little application in a forest where your life was in constant peril.
Walter sighed loudly as he slumped in front of a campfire, that crackled away in the middle of a circle of tents and stone shelters. Above him, the sky was burned orange, as the day slowly died.
What to do...
He had spoken with a few of the bronies around camp. They all indicated to him that there was a town on the edge of the forest called Ponyville, where the main characters lived.
While he had his doubts about what they could do, and he still wasn't entirely sure that he really believed in any of these assertions that he was in a fictional world, the bronies all claimed that the unicorns, (because those were a thing apparently), had actual magic powers. And how else could he have gotten here if not magic?
"If I can find them, they can get me home..." the man muttered to himself, "Michelle needs me right now. I can't leave her..."
He had been staring into the campfire for several minutes, but looked up as another man crouched down next to the fire opposite him. Kyle Merridge specifically.
Walter considered saying something, but couldn't really think of anything relevant to say for once. Merridge broke the ice instead.
"This must be so strange for you," he commented, "It was weird for me too, but I at least knew where I was and what was chasing me. You..."
"I knew what was chasing me," Walter answered, "I'm just not used to being chased. I've never been one for running..."
"You don't say?"
The older man didn't miss the slight snark, but didn't want to comment on it.
"I don't even know why I'm here," he confessed, "Everyone else who ended up here are bronies and young men, or both. Why am I the odd one out?"
"I don't know," said Kyle, "Maybe you were just unlucky? Fell into the portal by accident?"
Paterson shook his head.
"No. That can't be it. Everyone else have these things in common. At least two people called Kyle, most of you bronies, most of you with some kind of special weapon or fighting ability, most of you young men around college age. Hell, even some surnames are similar. You're Merridge. The other Kyle is Hambridge. Both names ending in 'idge', if you didn't notice."
"Well you and the corporal both have surnames ending in 'erson', and you're both non-bronies, and the oldest two here. If you ask me, that's a way bigger coincidence."
"...Not...really..."
"Think about it."
Kyle stood up from the campfire and walked away, leaving Walter by himself again.
"Strange boy..."
***
After the most unpleasant night's sleep Walter Paterson had had in a very long time, (out in the open, since they had no time to build him his own shelter yet), he was awoken by his new soldier friend kicking his sleeping bag.
"Hey! Wake up, sunshine!"
"Leave me alone..." he groaned.
"No can do. We expect everyone to pull their weight here, whether they like it or not. If you want your own tent, hut or stone shelter, you've gotta earn it by putting in some work as well."
"Ughh..."
Anderson gave him a sympathetic smile.
"Not a morning person, huh? That's fine. We're not gonna give you anything heavy on your first day. Just another patrol job. I'll even walk with you again. All you do is walk the edges of the clearing and shout if you see a manticore. What do you say?"
"Ugggggghhhhhhh..."
***
"I really feel inadequate carrying a rock when you've got a gun."
"Well, don't. If anything, I'm the one with the disadvantage here. All the ammunition I've got for this is what I was carrying when I arrived. I can't use this unless it's a real dire situation, and when I eventually run out, all my firearms training ain't gonna be worth shit around here. Then I guess I'm gonna have to take up archery and get Greg to make me a bow like he did the others."
"Which one is Greg again?"
"The one with the stupid fucking backwards baseball cap."
"You really don't like these kids, do you, corporal?"
"Fuck no. At best, they're idiots making their stupid in-jokes they expect me to get, and at worst they're whiny bastards who expect me to care about their daddy issues. You know what happened to my dad? He lost both his legs while serving and he's in a wheelchair now, and I run the risk of ending up like him every single day, so that I can send money back to make sure he doesn't have to sell his house and move into a retirement home. And they're fucking surprised when I tell them that I think they've got it easy."
"You sound like you've led an interesting life at least."
"I've got one or two stories to tell. Nothing that really makes me sound impressive though. I'm no great war hero or anything. I've just come really close to dying a whole bunch of times but didn't. Twice through dumb luck, and once because a smarter man than myself saved me."
"You must have seen some action though?"
"A bit, like I said. Nothing to write home about, in my opinion. What about you, though? Tell me about your life."
"Well...I'm sixty one this year. I'm a lawyer. I live in New York. I have two daughters, one from both my marriages. Michelle is the oldest. She's the one who's having the baby, with her husband Peter, and the other is Sarah, who's a forensics expert."
"You were married twice?"
"My first wife tragically passed away when Michelle was little. Botched surgery, would you believe? My second wife, Dianne, I met a several years after, and I've lived happily with her ever since."
"Sorry to hear."
"It's okay. Ancient history now."
***
Anderson looked over his shoulder at the rest of the camp.
"Walter, I need to take a quick bathroom break," he explained, "Keep up the patrol without me just a little longer. Remember, holler if you see anything, and the rest of the camp will come running."
The pudgy man dabbed his forehead with a handkerchief, which he had been doing routinely for most of the day. Even a slow walk around the forest clearing built up a sweat.
"Sure..."
"Great. Won't be a moment."
"Wash your hands afterwards."
"I know. I'm not ten years old."
Corporal Anderson disappeared into the trees, and Walter was left walking the same route as before, now alone. He looked into the forest beyond the perimeter, watching for any sign of movement in there. He held his throwing rock close at hand. He doubted it would do much good against a manticore, even if he was actually a decent thrower, but it'd at least distract it for a second.
Patrol continued for six more monotonous minutes, and it wasn't long before Walter began asking the obvious question.
Where the hell is Anderson?
Despite his slow walking speed, he had done a complete lap around the clearing, and had returned to the site where Anderson had vanished to go relieve himself, and he still hadn't returned. Feeling worried, he decided to do the stupid thing, and wandered into the dense forest to see what had become of his companion.
Please don't let me find you being eaten by a manticore...
***
"OH, WHY?!"
Anderson had been eaten by a manticore. That was the exact opposite of what he had just asked for!
The only evidence that there ever was a Corporal Henry Anderson at all was the blood around the creature's mouth. Not even the uniform remained. It looked up at him as he made his outburst, and snarled at him. Walter raised the rock to defend himself.
"Back off!" he warned, "I have a...a...rock!"
"...Human..."
Walter blinked.
"You can talk?!"
It smiled at him. Actually smiled. And then it crouched, ready to pounce on him too.
"WAIT!" he shouted at it, "STOP! Stop, stop, stop! If you can talk, you must be intelligent! If you're intelligent, then we can work this out!"
The tension in its back eased, slightly. Instead of pouncing, it merely crept over towards him, forcing Walter back until he hit a tree and was cornered. The lion-like face moved uncomfortably close to his own, and it sniffed him.
"I'm listening," it growled.
***
"Oof!"
Walter grunted as he was tossed off the manticore's back and onto the forest floor. He sat up suddenly, and his eyes widened in abject terror as he found himself surrounded on all sides by dozens of manticores. They were in various states of health. Some were fine, but most were sporting a number of healed injuries, while for others the scars were still fresh.
He recognised the one that attacked him and Anderson on his first day here immediately by its bullet wounds.
Lacking the ability to articulate any other response to this, all the helpless man could do was ball up and cry.
"I don't want to die!" he whimpered, "Please...Please, it can't end like this!"
The largest manticore, who appeared to be the leader, cocked an eyebrow at the one that had just brought the human to them.
"...And you thought this one was worthy of sparing...why?" it asked in a deep voice.
"He believes he can negotiate an end to the hostilities," the subordinate replied with an evil grin.
Big Boss manticore gave Anderson-Eater a skeptical look.
"Really?" he asked.
"Really."
“Really?!”
“Really!”
"REALLY?!"
"REALLY!"
"Okay. Human, you've got five minutes to convince me why I shouldn't eat you and the rest of your village. Go ahead."
Walter scrambled onto his feet and desperately tried to remember the argument he planned in his head beforehand.
"Uh...Umm...!" he stammered, "B-Because! Because...Because, we mean no harm to you! But, we need to defend ourselves, and each other...because you keep attacking us! So you attack our village, but you keep getting hurt when we fight you off...and it must not be worth it, because how often do you really get to eat one of us? I mean...We can't taste good enough for that to be worth it, right?"
The manticores' eyes all darted to each other, and they remained expressionless.
"...He DOES know that we don't kill humans for the taste, right?" asked one.
"...Huh?"
"No, wait a minute!" interrupted Bullet Wounds, the one who attacked him on the first day, "He's a new one, isn't he? I don't think he knows."
Big Boss rolled his eyes.
"Honestly. Do humans just habitually lie to each other?"
"Well, not habitually..." Walter mumbled.
"Okay. Time for a history lesson. Professor?"
The manticore apparently named Professor cleared his throat and gestured over to a very large tree. Walter Paterson walked over to it, as did the rest of the manticores. What was the name for a group of manticores? Was it a pride? They were mostly lions...
"Ahem," the Professor began, as he carved rough diagrams into the bark, "This little stick figure here is a human. This is the first human who came to Equestria. One specific type of human in fact, called a 'brony'. You know what those are right? You're following this?"
Walter nodded awkwardly.
"Now. One, as we name him, arrives in Everfree Forest. Manticore finds him. My second cousin twice removed, in fact. Antisocial kind of fellow. Didn't like him much. He attacks One, thinking him to be easy lunch. One unexpectedly turns out to have ninja training. Manticore dies horribly. One would later go on to Ponyville, where he would attempt to insert himself into pony society and fail horribly, thinking he would be instantly accepted by everyone. He eventually gets sent home again unwillingly by a unicorn who got sick of him."
The tree bark diagram had now expanded to include stick drawings representing several ponies, manticores, and Ponyville itself.
"Watch closely. This part is important. Two then shows up. Also brony. He basically does same thing as One. Only this time, manticores know better than to try and eat humans who may or may not be ninjas."
"Makes...sense..." Walter replied.
Actually it really didn't. He was so confused.
"Floodgates then opened," Professor continued, "Dozens upon dozens of humans all start coming to Equestria, looking to live out fantasy lives. We have no idea how they get here. Only that they ALWAYS appear in Everfree Forest, and ALWAYS fight a manticore while here. Sometimes kill them! What did manticores do?!"
"Try to...eat the first one?"
"That was just one guy!" Big Boss protested, "How is his idiocy our fault?!"
"And it's JUST humans too," Bullet Wounds complained, "We never have this kind of problem with any other species! Anything that's too big or too dangerous to be regular prey, we just leave alone! Even ponies!"
"I met a pony once," Big Boss mused, "Pegasus, I think. She removed a thorn from my paw when I was in a rage. So nice of her...Sometimes makes me wish we could speak pony."
"So what's the deal with humans keep persecuting us?!" Professor demanded, "We don't even know! So we think of a great solution!"
"...Attacking us first?" Walter suggested.
"Exactly! We gathered all the manticores in this immediate area of the forest, decided enough was enough, and now we patrol our lands as an organised group. We see a human, we attack on sight and call for backup. Gang up on them before they can kill more manticores. Kill the human if we can, but if not, herd them towards the clearing where you've set up your village, and don't ever let them leave. They want to come to Equestria and meet the pretty ponies? Well tough. If they didn't want to spend time in the Everfree, they shouldn't have come here in the first place."
"...Okay..." the human said slowly, and deliberately, "So...if this whole thing is about manticores getting killed by rogue humans...why not get that unicorn to send all the humans home...and...I don't know? Find a way to stop them coming here in the first place?"
"That implies that we can communicate our need to ponies. We don't speak the same language. All they hear when we speak is roaring."
"Well how am I talking to you now then?"
"Humans and manticores coincidentally share the same language."
"WHY?!"
"That question, like many others, is one that has no answer other than 'Because'. We're still trying to figure out why so many of you people are named Kyle. It can't be THAT common of a name, can it?"
"There's only two..."
"In your village, maybe. I ate three Kyles this month alone."
"Wait! You said that One tried to get on the ponies' good side. He must have been able to communicate to some degree with them, right?"
"Language barrier still exists between ponies and humans, but your kind are unintimidating enough that a unicorn is more likely to cast translation spells around you rather than setting you on fire, as has been known to happen when ponies encounter manticores."
Walter looked around at the rest of the...pride.
"Alright then. How about this? You let me go, or better yet, help me to the forest's edge, and I'll find the ponies, get a translation spell cast, tell them what's going on, and me and all the other humans can go home, while you can stop worrying about being hunted."
The manticores all looked at each other again, the same way they did before. Big Boss manticore shrugged.
"Why not?"
***
KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.
Twilight Sparkle looked up from her book as she heard the noise.
That's funny. Who could be calling at this time in the evening?
She hopped off her chair and cantered over to the library's front door. Before her visitor could knock again, she opened the door with her magic, revealing a human male on the other side.
Twilight groaned as she activated her translation spell, almost instinctively.
"Not another..." she muttered.
"Hello. I was told to come here. My name is Walter Paterson. This is going to sound very strange, but I just came from the Everfree Forest, and there's this human village and this tribe of intelligent manticores who are at war right now, and..."
***
"NO! I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO EARTH! YOU CAN'T FORCE ME! NOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Into the portal you go," Twilight said encouragingly.
Another brony was gently ushered by the unicorn's magic towards the rip in time and space, and back to their home dimension.
"Thank you for visiting Equestria!" Rarity added, "Don't forget your complimentary apple!"
Applejack threw an apple into his cupped hands as he was finally pushed through. Behind him, the line of humans moved forward again.
"None of you start any funny business, now!" Rainbow Dash called out from above them, "First guy who starts hitting on any of us gets stared down by Fluttershy."
Walter stood by Twilight's side as he watched the line before the portal move forward again. Some of the humans were more willing to leave than others. The very few non-bronies of the village were in fact very eager that they would soon get to go home again. The rest...had mixed reactions.
"You ruined my one chance!" Kyle Merridge yelled at Walter, "I finally reached Equestria! I finally could have been a pony, and had a relationship with Fluttershy! And you're sending me back to my old life! JUDAS!"
Walter said nothing, and just smiled at him.
***
Half an hour later, the final other human was sent through the portal, leaving just Walter himself.
"Well, looks like I've earned my return ticket. Wonderful!"
His smile dropped.
"I only wish Anderson could have made it..."
"I could have made what now?"
"GAH!" Walter screamed, leaping back in surprise, "What the-?! Where did you come from?!"
"From the longest, smelliest, most painful bathroom break I've had in years, my friend. This is what happens when a man is trapped in an alternate universe without easy access to certain drugs he needs."
"Oh, dear Lord...I thought you were dead! I found a manticore near where you disappeared earlier with blood all around his mouth!"
"Well that was your fault for jumping to conclusions then. Probably just an animal."
Walter's face turned red with anger.
"Damn it, man! I was worried about you!"
"Yeah. Well, now you don't have to be."
Anderson looked behind Walter at the assembled ponies.
"...Have I missed something important?"
***
The reunion after that went on for a little while. Walter was concerned that they would be keeping the ponies waiting for too long, but as Twilight had informed him, the portal would deposit them all where they disappeared, so it would likely be the last chance for both of them to talk.
There wasn't much to talk about though. Not really. All that needed to be said was that Walter was thankful to Anderson for saving his life, and that he was glad to see he was alive too. And Anderson was thankful to Walter, for finally being the one who was able to get them home.
"I know home for me means gunfire and scorching desert," he said wistfully, "But what can I say? Given the choice between two hellholes, I'd rather die on good ol' Earth any day."
Walter held out a hand, and the corporal shook it.
"It's been an honour serving with you, Mr. Paterson."
"Likewise, corporal."
Anderson gave him a casual salute, and then sauntered off into the portal.
"...Time for me to go too, I think."
An apple was magically levitated up in front of him. He had only seen it once or twice, so he was still somewhat entranced by seeing the unicorn's telekinesis in action, Tentatively, he reached out and grabbed it out of the air. He looked over to Twilight.
"You know, out of all the humans I've met...And there have been a lot of them, I think you're my favourite."
Walter frowned.
"And why is that?"
"Because you act normal," Rainbow Dash interrupted, "And you helped us get rid of all the others."
"Umm...Thank you?"
"Go then!" Twilight urged, "You'd best leave before Pinkie escapes the cage and tries to throw you a party."
"Say no more..."
***
"Ow..."
Walter Paterson fell flat on his face the moment he was through the portal, landing on a New York sidewalk late at night. He recognised the street.
"Finally..."
***
"Awwww!" Pinkie complained, "You mean they're ALL gone?!"
"Yep," said Rainbow Dash, "Now quit complaining and put on your necklace."
Pinkie reluctantly threw the element of laughter around her neck, grumbling lightly about missing out on party opportunities.
"Okay, everypony!" Twilight announced, "On the count of three, we blast the space-time continuum and fix this dimensional gap. One...Two...THREE!"
***
"Walter!"
A brunette woman in her nightgown, tears streaking down her face, ran to the front door and embraced the man.
"Where have you been?" she sobbed, "You've been gone for two days, I was...so scared for you..."
"Dad?"
A younger woman appeared in the doorway to the sitting room. She looked much like the other, but had a significantly larger belly. She cupped her hands to her mouth when she saw him, and began to tear up too. She ran over and hugged him as well.
"Where were you?! What happened?!" she demanded.
"I'm sorry," said Walter, "I'm so sorry. It was nothing I could help. I was taken away to a...strange place...But, I'm back now. That's what matters. And I'm so exhausted..."
"Are you okay though, Walter?"
"I'm fine, Diane. Just tired. It's been a long couple of days..."
***
The six ponies floated down to the ground again, and the white glow left their eyes.
"So...is that it? Is it over?" asked Applejack.
"Yes," Twilight replied, "That's the end of it. No more humans in Equestria. EVER."
***
Walter Paterson smiled to himself as he sat at his office desk. On the table in front of him, a copy of the day's newspaper, turned to page six.
M.I.A. SOLDIER FOUND ALIVE IN AFGHANISTAN.
He shook his head in amused disbelief.
"Amazing. Simply amazing."
It had all been real after all. Not some horrible two day long hallucination, or vivid dream. It was so surreal. Strange to think it really happened.
Hmm...I wonder...
He turned to the computer on his desk and brought up the internet. If Anderson was real after all, he wondered what had become of the others from the same camp.
He brought up Google and typed a named into the search bar.
"Kyle...Merridge..."
He hit enter, and the results came up. One in particular caught his eye, and he clicked the link. At the top of the site was a banner, with a picture of one of the ponies he had met just before he went home again. Next to the pony was a very colourful logo, bearing the name "FIM Fiction.net"
There was a box taking up most of the page. At the top of the box was a title, reading "An Equestrian Adventure." Below it were several colourful smaller boxes containing words like "Sad", "Tragedy", "Dark", "Comedy," "Romance", "Alternate Universe" and "Human". To the left side of the page was a 2D picture of a pony with odd colouring facing left and smiling, set over a background of some grey walls.
And then there was the description just to the right of the picture:
"My first story on the site so please be nice. Kyle Merridge is a teenage brony with a sucky life, until one day he gets to live out his dream and go to Equestria! but how can he cope with the changes? And will he ever be truly accepted there either??
CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICIMS ONLY wanted, troll comments WILL be deleted!"
Walter sighed and buried his face in his hands.
Scrolling down a bit more, as he peeked out from between his fingers, he saw that there were indeed comments below. About thirty of them. And at the very bottom of the page was a box where he could leave his own comment. He decided to do so.
"You're an idiot."
***
"HUZZAH!" Big Boss shouted to the pride.
"HUZZAH!" they answered.
"WE HAVE BEEN LIBERATED!" the manticore thundered, "ON THIS DAY, WE ARE FREE! FREE FROM THE MENACE OF THE HUMAN RACE, AND THEIR OBSESSION WITH KILLING OUR KIND IN DROVES!"
"HUZZAH!"
"NOW, ONCE AGAIN, THE MANTICORES CAN THRIVE, NO LONGER TO HAVE OUR NUMBERS KEPT IN CHECK BY THOSE OTHERWORLDLY DEMONS!"
"HUZZAH!"
"AND WE OWE IT ALL TO ONE OF THEM! LET IT BE KNOWN THAT THE HUMAN THEY CALL WALTER PATERSON, IS THE SAVIOUR OF THE MANTICORE RACE!"
"HUZZAH!"
"AND NOW, IN HONOUR OF OUR SAVIOUR, WE SHALL BEGIN THE GRAND HUNT! FOLLOW ME, MY BROTHERS! LET US INVADE PONYVILLE, AND KILL EVERYTHING THERE IN JOYOUS CELEBRATION!"
"HUZZAH!"
***
An elderly stallion in a rocking chair blew some bubbles out of his pipe as he gently swung back and forth.
"...And that's how Equestria was destroyed," he finished.
On the rug in front of the fireplace just before him, a filly and two colts glared up at the old pony.
"Grandpa," said the smaller of the colts with a slightly squeaky voice, "That was fucking retarded."
END.
Author's Note
Big thanks to Garion for helping to pre-read this for me and helping with a lot of phrasing issues. Couldn't have done it without you, man.
For those wondering, the "Other" tag is being used properly here. "Other" is for minor characters who are in the actual show but don't have their own tag, and Big Boss manticore is the same one from the second part of the pilot episode, thus qualifying for the tag.
